## Detailed walkthrough
### [00:01](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2XzUyJO3Wg&t=1s) The Shift Toward Solitary Living and the Rise of Co-Living
The discussion begins with findings from surveys showing that even among married couples, there is a widespread longing for separate personal bedrooms whenever physical housing conditions allow. As Dou Wentao and the panel muse on human societal development, they trace the dramatic shrinking of the household unit across history: humanity shifted from primitive communal living and vast kinship clans down to four generations under one roof, then three, then two, and finally to modern two-person nuclear or DINK (double income, no kids) households. In Western countries like the United States, single-person living has already reached a significant proportion, while in Northern European nations such as Norway and Sweden, solo households now account for more than half the population. Dou Wentao asks Liang Wendao what this trend toward married couples seeking separate spaces and individuals living alone reveals about human evolution.
Liang Wendao suggests that the modern phenomenon of living alone is not strictly solitary in the traditional sense, pointing to the surging popularity of "co-living." Unlike traditional apartment blocks where an individual simply unlocks a front door to an isolated flat, contemporary youth apartments provide private bedrooms alongside sprawling communal infrastructure. Residents share massive living rooms, communal kitchens, dining areas, newspaper reading lounges, gyms, and even ping-pong tables. Liang Wendao explains that while residents maintain total autonomy over their private sleeping quarters, they regularly gather downstairs to cook, chat, and socialize. In youth apartments seen in cities like Guangzhou, this architecture functions like an elevated university dormitory: tenants form tight-knit communities, and many who eventually move out still return regularly to hang out.
```mermaid
flowchart TD
accTitle: Evolution of Living Structures
accDescr: Diagram tracing human domestic arrangements from early communal clans to modern co-living and single-person households.
subgraph Historical["Historical Living Arrangements"]
A["Communal & Clan Living"] --> B["Multi-Generational Households<br/>(3 to 4 Generations)"]
B --> C["Nuclear & DINK Families<br/>(2-Person Households)"]
end
subgraph Modern["Modern Living Models"]
C --> D["Single-Person Households<br/>(>50% in Norway & Sweden)"]
C --> E["Co-Living Youth Apartments"]
E --> F["Private Bedrooms + Shared Social Hubs<br/>(Kitchen, Gym, Lounge)"]
end
```
- When evaluating the modern shift in domestic setups, Liang Wendao highlights how youth spaces blur traditional boundaries: “So, would you call these people 'living alone'? They seem to be living alone, but it's not the strict, traditional sense of living alone.”
- In Northern European countries like Sweden and Norway, single-person households now represent more than 50% of all households.
- Co-living developments, such as modern youth apartments in Guangzhou, combine fully privatized bedrooms with shared social facilities on the ground floor to eliminate social isolation.
[03:10](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2XzUyJO3Wg&t=190s) Urban Atomization: From Single-Diner Meals to the "Boyfriend Next Door"
The conversation turns to the emotional and physical boundaries young people now establish in intimate relationships. Liang Wendao shares an anecdote about a female friend born in the 1990s whose ideal relationship status is simply having a "boyfriend who lives next door"—close enough to visit without lengthy travel, yet maintaining completely independent living spaces so neither person encroaches on the other's territory. Dou Wentao observes that this reflects a broader generational pattern: people increasingly prefer to function either as an isolated island or as a plug-and-play node, holding extremely high demands for personal space. Even when modern couples sit together at cafes for afternoon tea, both are often buried entirely in their own smartphones rather than interacting with each other.
Dou Wentao recalls his own culture shock when moving to Hong Kong roughly a decade earlier, where he first encountered extreme urban accommodations designed specifically for the solitary individual. The very first phrase in Cantonese he learned was *"ceng2 dou3 gwai3 toi4 ceoi2"* (“please go to the counter to collect”), heard repeatedly over the loudspeakers at fast-food chains like Maxim’s MX and Café de Coral. For the first time, he saw modular, single-person set meals consisting of soup, rice, and vegetables packaged specifically for solo diners. He realized that advanced urbanization systematically tailors commercial services to single units, a trend that reaches its peak in cities like Tokyo, where 24-hour convenience stores and single-serving amenities make it completely effortless for someone to survive indefinitely without depending on anyone else.
- Dou Wentao laments how technology has altered physical companionship: “When I look at young people today, seeing their state, I feel like I'm getting old.”
- Dou Wentao points out the core tension in modern interpersonal behavior: “It seems like nowadays, I feel everyone is more and more like—you can be an island, or you can be connected.”
- Advanced urban environments cater to solo survival through small apartments, 24/7 convenience networks, and automated single-person dining arrangements.
[05:04](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2XzUyJO3Wg&t=304s) Mutual Reliance vs. Solitude: Why Give Up Living Alone?
The panel examines the socioeconomic forces behind the surge in single living. Sociologists frequently attribute the phenomenon to the rise in women's economic independence, expanding career opportunities, and cities providing outsourced services—such as dining, housekeeping, and fitness—that previously required domestic division of labor. Dou Wentao raises the question of whether humans inherently wanted to live alone all along, or whether collective living in historical agricultural societies was merely a forced consequence of shared labor and production requirements. Once modern civilization removed the economic necessity of communal survival, individuals naturally gravitated toward solitary autonomy.
Despite acknowledging the dozens of conveniences and freedoms that living alone provides, the speakers debate what valid reason remains for someone to willingly surrender that comfort to live with a partner. Shared domestic life inevitably introduces domestic friction, arguments, and annoyance from constant proximity. However, the panel emphasizes that long-term cohabitation builds an irreplaceable psychological community based on mutual vulnerability. Sharing a physical space over years fosters a deep sense of mutual reliance for survival that consumer conveniences cannot replicate. Dou Wentao admits that while he shares this traditional perspective, he wonders whether clinging to the belief that a life without a partner is unimaginable merely marks them as outdated.
- A panelist defines the core emotional gravity that keeps people together despite interpersonal friction: “To me, it means you feel willing and hopeful to share a living space with this person, that feeling of relying on each other for survival.”
- Emphasizing the fundamental value of shared life, the speaker insists: “I don’t think that feeling can be replaced by 100 benefits of living alone.”
- The panel notes that agricultural societies necessitated collective domesticity due to shared productive labor, whereas modern consumer services enable total functional independence.
[07:23](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2XzUyJO3Wg&t=443s) Testing the Limits: The International Loneliness Scale
To test how much solitude each person can truly endure, Dou Wentao introduces the popular "International Scale of Loneliness," which ranks solitary activities across ten escalating tiers. The lower tiers—visiting a supermarket alone, dining at a restaurant alone, drinking coffee, or watching a film at a cinema alone—are unanimously accepted by the table as comfortable and ordinary. Even solo hot pot is dismissed as easily manageable today thanks to restaurants accommodating single patrons with individual mini-pots.
```mermaid
flowchart LR
accTitle: Tiers of the Solitude Scale
accDescr: Progression of solitary activities from common urban habits to extreme individual challenges.
subgraph Low["Manageable Solitude"]
L1["Supermarket / Cafe"] --> L2["Solo Dining / Cinema"]
L2 --> L3["Solo Hot Pot"]
end
subgraph High["High-Resistance Solitude"]
L4["Solo KTV / Karaoke"] --> L5["Solo Amusement Park"]
L5 --> L6["Moving House Alone"]
L6 --> L7["Undergoing Surgery Alone"]
end
Low --> High
```
The friction begins at higher levels of the scale. Level six, going to a karaoke booth alone, prompts laughter and resistance. Liang Wendao objects that he cannot accurately be scored on that metric simply because he dislikes karaoke altogether, questioning why anyone who dislikes singing would book an entire private KTV room by themselves. While gazing at the ocean alone is viewed as serene and enjoyable, going to an amusement park alone or moving house completely unassisted presents far greater challenges. Liang Wendao notes he has moved house alone countless times, while undergoing surgery without an escort is recognized as the most extreme scenario.
Recalling an experience with solo amusement parks, a speaker shares a memory from age 17 that left a lasting psychological shadow. Following a family tradition where high school graduates were permitted to take an independent journey, the speaker was given the green light to travel. However, because the family lacked extra money and nobody could accompany him, he was handed a discounted ticket to the United States secured through his father’s friend, leaving him to navigate the trip completely on his own.
- Liang Wendao rejects the metric of singing karaoke alone as a fair evaluation: “This one can't be measured because I don't even like karaoke in the first place.”
- Dou Wentao challenges the panel to evaluate their genuine emotional capacity for solitude: “With what we call living alone, how much loneliness can you really handle?”
- The discussed tiers of the Loneliness Scale range from everyday activities (supermarkets, dining, movies) to challenging social settings (solo KTV, amusement parks) and intense logistical/physical burdens (moving house alone, undergoing hospital surgery alone).
竇文濤與其他嘉賓則指出，這種情況屬於典型的「人群中的孤獨」（loneliness within a crowd）。人在成雙成對或闔家出遊的人群包裹下，孑然一身的反差感會被無限放大。然而，這種孤獨在遊樂園中並不罕見。竇文濤提到，自己現在經常被迫陪孩子去迪士尼或海洋公園，排隊排到心煩意亂時，常常會觀察到排隊隊伍裡總有一些單獨前來的年輕女孩。有些人生來就喜歡如孤雁般獨來獨往，在熱鬧的遊樂場中享受專屬於自己的清靜與自在。
```mermaid
flowchart LR
accTitle: 帕慕克的心理空間轉換法
accDescr: 展示帕慕克如何在同一空間內透過外出散步建立創作心態
subgraph S1["心理障礙"]
A["家庭生活過於幸福安逸"] --> B["生活與寫作空間重疊"]
B --> C["寫作靈感完全停滯"]
end
subgraph S2["虛擬儀式"]
C --> D["清晨著裝整齊出門"]
D --> E["在外步行散步15分鐘"]
E --> F["原路折返回到同一個家"]
end
subgraph S3["心理催眠效果"]
F --> G["心理暗示：已抵達外部工作室"]
G --> H["重新開啟專注寫作狀態"]
end
```
[38:25](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2XzUyJO3Wg&t=2305s) Spatial Limits and Hong Kong Living Arrangements
The discussion begins with an examination of how physical living space dictates quality of life. In a small apartment of thirty square meters, a person can still live with flavor and elegance, managing to cook a few simple dishes in a compact kitchen. At thirty square meters, there is sufficient room to cultivate an "exquisite" lifestyle regardless of wealth, because that amount of space provides enough psychological breathing room and motivation to decorate and build a comfortable routine. By contrast, living in an eight-square-meter room strips away any pretense of lifestyle aesthetics. One speaker notes living in a seven-square-meter space in Guangzhou, while another recounts that in an eight-square-meter space, life is reduced to mere survival, where eating, sleeping, and existing happen in the same tight box, reminiscent of a Hong Kong coffin home or a refrigerator box: “In my eight-square-meter room, I did everything there—eating, sleeping, everything.”
Recalling his early days arriving in Hong Kong, a speaker shares the experience of apartment hunting with an agent and being housed in a two-bedroom unit of roughly forty square meters with the renowned Chinese music producer Huang Xiaomao. The shared flat had a peculiar aesthetic: both the carpet and the walls were entirely purple. Two adult men living in an all-purple room drew bemused reactions from visiting friends. The close quarters quickly generated friction; simple habits like making lengthy phone calls tied up the landline, sparking constant annoyance. After enduring a year of shared living, both decided to move out on their own: “We swore we couldn't do it anymore; it was hard to adapt to living together, and we had to live alone.”
This spatial compression is typical in Hong Kong, leading local families to develop tacit rules of flexibility and politeness. For instance, when a young daughter living with her parents and siblings announces at dinner that her boyfriend will be visiting at 8:30 PM, the family immediately grasps the cue. By 8:25 PM, everyone invents a polite reason to clear out: the younger sister leaves for karaoke, the brother heads out to play soccer, and the father claims he is heading downstairs to watch the neighborhood ladies square-dancing—a knowing joke, since the "lady" dancing is his own wife.
- Living space threshold: Thirty square meters is viewed as the baseline where an individual has the mental incentive and physical room to live "exquisitely," whereas seven to eight square meters reduces living to the level of a coffin home.
- The shared purple apartment: Two grown men sharing a 40-square-meter, two-bedroom flat with purple walls and purple carpet, leading to friction over shared telephone lines.
- Hong Kong family evacuation etiquette: A household clearing out within five minutes so a dating family member can have privacy with a visitor.
---
[41:22](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2XzUyJO3Wg&t=2482s) The Panic of Solitary Illness and the Art of Solitude
Living completely alone introduces severe vulnerabilities, especially regarding physical emergencies and health scares. A speaker describes experiencing episodes of cardiac neurosis and sheer panic in the middle of the night in Beijing. After drinking baijiu, a heart rate spiking over one hundred beats per minute creates terrifying ambiguity: is it simply the physiological effect of alcohol, or an acute medical crisis? With alcohol dominating the first half of the night and terror seizing the second half, the person is left clutching a smartphone in bed, finger hovering over the emergency dial. The vulnerability of solitary existence becomes stark: “At those moments, I’d think, "Is this it? Am I going to go just like that?" Who would even know? Who would call for help for you?” The speakers cite the tragic precedent of author Eileen Chang, whose death went unnoticed in her apartment for approximately two weeks. This highlights the practical necessity of personal safety systems, such as the emergency "life alarm" buttons commonly installed for Hong Kong seniors or fall-detection smartwatches.
```mermaid
flowchart TD
accTitle: Vulnerability vs. Contentment in Solitude
accDescr: Contrasting the acute risks of medical emergencies when living alone with the self-sufficient peace of solitary intellectual life.
subgraph PanicState["The Vulnerability of Solitary Living"]
A["Late-Night Health Episode"] --> B["Uncertainty: Alcohol vs. Cardiac Event"]
B --> C["Clutching Phone for Ambulance"]
C --> D["Risk of Undetected Death (e.g., Eileen Chang)"]
end
subgraph SelfSufficiency["The Independent Solitary State"]
E["Retirement & Daily Opera"] --> F["No Interpersonal / Career Demands"]
F --> G["'Having no desires makes one strong'"]
G --> H["Complete Inner Equilibrium"]
end
```
In sharp contrast to the anxiety of illness, another speaker presents the portrait of an English university teacher who perfected the art of solitary living. Now retired, the man lives entirely alone without visible longing for external validation or companionship. His daily routine consists of listening to opera, traveling, and writing unusually detailed, expansive replies to short emails. He embodies the classical sentiment that having no desires makes one strong: “Other than that, I’ve noticed his vibe is exactly what we call "having no desires makes one strong"; it’s as if he has no demands of the outside world at all.” He neither pursues wealth and status nor expends energy managing complex social ties, proving that certain temperaments can achieve genuine contentment in total independence.
---
[43:54](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2XzUyJO3Wg&t=2634s) "Being Alone Together" and Marital Freedom
The panel reflects on whether the drive for companionship and family is an immutable biological necessity or an individual variable. While some individuals live their entire lives in healthy independence, others left alone in a room for prolonged periods develop psychological friction, often exhibiting extreme sensitivity and over-analyzing casual remarks from others.
To bridge the gap between individual autonomy and companionship, the speakers examine the dynamic captured in the film *Iris*, based on the marriage between Oxford feminist philosopher and novelist Iris Murdoch and literature professor John Bayley. When reflecting on the crowning beauty of their decades-long union, Bayley identified the state of "being alone together." This structure provides emotional security without forfeiting autonomy: “Simply put, it means that while you can rely on each other, you still have your own freedom and personal space.”
To illustrate this balance, a speaker describes his own marriage to a writer. Recognizing that her creative output requires a totally uninhibited spirit, the couple maintains an agreement: roughly every six months, she leaves home for one or two weeks to stay in an artistic retreat surrounded by musicians and painters. He purposefully refrains from interrogating her about her time away, knowing that privacy is essential to her process. After this period of creative solitude, she returns refreshed to family life, demonstrating that modern partnerships thrive when both partners preserve an independent sphere within the commitment.
---
[46:40](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2XzUyJO3Wg&t=2800s) The Outsourcing of Family Functions in Modern Society
The discussion broadens into an analysis of how modernity has transformed household structures. In traditional extended families, the constant demand to integrate into a collective social body often inflicted psychological harm and suppressed individuality. Today, economic progress grants individuals the freedom to inhabit their own separate worlds. However, this shift is only possible because the historical functions of the family have been systematically detached from the home and absorbed by public institutions.
```mermaid
flowchart LR
accTitle: Modern Socialization of Household Functions
accDescr: Tracing the historical transition of family duties from domestic execution to societal outsourcing.
subgraph TraditionalFamily["Traditional Domestic Scope"]
A["Childbirth"]
B["Medical Convalescence"]
C["End-of-Life Care & Death"]
end
Historically, birth, aging, illness, and death all transpired within the domestic sphere. In modern society, childbirth takes place in hospitals, illness is treated in specialized clinics, and end-of-life care is managed by external services. In countries with exceptionally high rates of single-person households, such as Japan, elder care, smart emergency buttons, and specialized household appliances are tailored specifically for solo dwellers. When technology and market services can fulfill every physical and emergency need formerly provided by kin, cohabitation ceases to be an absolute practical necessity: “When your needs can be met by strangers or technology, do you truly still need someone else to live with you?” The panel concludes that rising wealth and institutional infrastructure inevitably facilitate solitary living: “That is to say, the wealthier and more developed a place is, the more conditions it creates for living alone.”
大家顺着这一思路展开感叹，认为这种状态十分浪漫，真正称得上是一种“生命共同体”。正如嘉宾所生动阐释的伴侣独白：“I am with you not so you can take care of me when I'm sick, not so you can clean up after me when I die, and not so you can cook for me. I just want to be with you in this space.”（我和你在一起，不是为了生病时让你照顾我，不是为了死后让你帮我料理后事，也不是为了让你给我做饭，我只是想在这个空间里和你待在一起）。
> [48:49](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2XzUyJO3Wg&t=2929s) I am with you not so you can take care of me when I'm sick, not so you can clean up after me when I die, and not so you can cook for me. I just want to be with you in this space.
> [46:40](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2XzUyJO3Wg&t=2800s) When your needs can be met by strangers or technology, do you truly still need someone else to live with you?
> [46:40](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2XzUyJO3Wg&t=2800s) the wealthier and more developed a place is, the more conditions it creates for living alone.
## Mentioned
窦文涛, 梁文道, 周轶君, 黄小茂, 张爱玲, Iris Murdoch, John Bayley, Orhan Pamuk, Virginia Woolf, Woody Allen, Arthur Schopenhauer, Albert Einstein, Rabindranath Tagore, 李嘉诚, 美心MX, 大家乐, 加州迪士尼乐园, 海洋公园, Iris
## Video description
💡订阅我们，换个视角看懂万象：
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwiWVn-hZq3_zuOk570kyGA
[15:46] 自由是不分年齡的，年紀越大，自由越寶貴。
[31:35] 现在的二十几岁的人基本上不愿牺牲，在他们看来，牺牲感觉就像是一种委屈。
[48:49] I am with you not so you can take care of me when I'm sick, not so you can clean up after me when I die, and not so you can cook for me. I just want to be with you in this space.
[46:40] When your needs can be met by strangers or technology, do you truly still need someone else to live with you?
[46:40] the wealthier and more developed a place is, the more conditions it creates for living alone.
Original transcript
[0:01] Surveys show that most married families
[0:03] also have this desire and need for their
[0:06] own individual rooms.
[0:10] For instance, couples might say, "If
[0:12] conditions allow, I would like to have
[0:14] my own room, and my partner would have
[0:16] theirs."
[0:19] >> Look at us, worrying about humanity
[0:22] again.
[0:23] >> Human living patterns have, of course,
[0:25] evolved from early animal-like communal
[0:27] living,
[0:28] >> then transitioned into clans, and now,
[0:30] for example, to the two-person couple
[0:33] family.
[0:34] We went from four generations under one
[0:36] roof, to three, to two, and now to
[0:38] two-person households or DINK families.
[0:42] In fact, in the U.S. there is already a
[0:44] significant proportion, and we know in
[0:46] places like Northern Europe—Norway and
[0:49] Sweden—more than half are living alone.
[0:52] >> So, living alone means living by oneself
[0:55] . And like Jiahui's situation, where
[0:57] even married couples want their own
[0:59] personal space, Wendao, what do you
[1:01] think this reflects about human
[1:03] evolutionary trends?
[1:04] >> I don't know.
[1:06] I really don't know, but the issue is, I
[1:08] think conversely, many people living
[1:10] alone today aren't in the traditional
[1:12] sense, because "co-living" is quite
[1:15] popular now. Living together. Yes.
[1:17] >> Have you never heard of co-living?
[1:19] >> Co-living is a type where, theoretically
[1:20] , they are living alone, but it doesn't
[1:22] really count as living alone. Because
[1:24] there are many types of apartments now
[1:26] that are different from traditional ones
[1:27] . For example, in the traditional
[1:29] apartments we live in, you come home,
[1:31] unlock your door, and you're in your own
[1:33] home, with several families living in
[1:35] one building, right? But what kind of
[1:37] places do young people love to live in
[1:39] now? It's a place where you walk in to a
[1:42] large living room, with a shared kitchen
[1:44] , a shared dining room, and maybe even a
[1:46] ping-pong table; these are all shared,
[1:48] while everyone still has their own
[1:50] private bedroom to do as they please.
[1:53] But in their daily life, they enjoy
[1:55] hanging out in the living room or
[1:57] cooking together in the kitchen. So,
[1:59] would you call these people "living
[2:01] alone"? They seem to be living alone,
[2:03] but it's not the strict, traditional
[2:04] sense of living alone. This lifestyle is
[2:07] becoming popular now. Regarding what
[2:09] Wendao said, I even have photos as proof
[2:11] ; it's quite popular now. Among young
[2:13] people, there's a youth apartment, it
[2:15] seems to be in Guangzhou or somewhere,
[2:17] do you see it?
[2:18] >> This photo shows the communal area of
[2:19] the youth apartment.
[2:21] >> Originally, people just rented these
[2:23] houses individually, but now some people
[2:25] are specifically building these youth
[2:27] apartments. The first floor has a lobby
[2:29] , a shared kitchen, a place to read
[2:31] newspapers, or even a gym, but everyone
[2:34] lives in their own individual rooms.
[2:36] It's actually a setup where, if you want
[2:38] to socialize, you just go downstairs,
[2:40] and you're bound to meet friends.
[2:42] >> Is there any difference between that and
[2:43] a college dorm?
[2:45] University dorms have such good
[2:47] conditions.
[2:50] >> Over there, our setup is such that an
[2:52] environment like this ground floor
[2:53] already gives them a sense of community
[2:55] .
[2:58] >> Some tenants have even moved out.
[3:01] >> They moved out, but because they’ve
[3:02] become friends, they still come back
[3:04] often to hang out. But for young people
[3:06] , you could call this living alone, and
[3:08] yet it's also a form of solitary living
[3:09] . A female friend of mine born in the
[3:11] 90s told me her ideal relationship
[3:13] status is "having a boyfriend who lives
[3:14] next door." Meaning, don't live together
[3:16] , don't be too close. I can go back to
[3:18] my own place, but it's not too far when
[3:20] I want to visit you. It's not like I can
[3:22] just walk out in my pajamas and slippers
[3:24] , but...
[3:25] >> Don't be together. It seems like
[3:27] nowadays, I feel everyone is more and
[3:29] more like—you can be an island, or you
[3:31] can be connected. Everyone has such high
[3:33] demands for their own personal space.
[3:35] Even when they are together, it somehow
[3:37] still feels like living alone. When I
[3:39] look at young people today, seeing their
[3:41] state, I feel like I'm getting old.
[3:43] I often see young people, including
[3:45] couples sitting together having
[3:46] afternoon tea or coffee, all just
[3:48] browsing the internet on their own.
[3:50] >> Right? They’re all on their own devices
[3:52] ; I’m living somewhere else entirely.
[3:53] Yeah, are you guys actually together?
[3:56] Or are you still doing your own thing?
[3:59] >> Yes, it seems that a single person today
[4:01] can already connect with everyone in the
[4:03] world, not really needing others.
[4:06] I remember when I first came to Hong
[4:08] Kong, do you know the first Cantonese
[4:10] phrase I learned? It was "ceng2 dou3
[4:12] gwai3 toi4 ceoi2," meaning "please go to
[4:14] the counter to collect." I thought, "
[4:15] Why would I have to do that?"
[4:17] >> No, no, why was it that? It was because
[4:21] when I came to Hong Kong, I was on my
[4:23] own, and you could go to places like
[4:24] Maxim’s or Café de Coral and order a
[4:26] single-person meal. It had soup, rice,
[4:29] and vegetables, and then they would call
[4:30] out a number, and you’d hear, "Please go
[4:32] to the counter to collect number
[4:34] so-and-so." Because I came here about
[4:36] ten years ago, I hadn't seen this kind
[4:38] of single-person dining setup before.
[4:40] It was only when I reached Hong Kong
[4:42] that I realized, because of the level of
[4:44] urbanization, it increasingly caters to
[4:46] your needs as an individual.
[4:48] The apartments are small, and everything
[4:50] can be calculated in single portions.
[4:52] >> Later on, I discovered that if you go to
[4:54] Tokyo...
[4:55] >> Tokyo is even more extreme.
[4:56] >> Is it because at any hour, you can go
[4:59] out and buy everything a single person
[5:01] needs 24/7?
[5:04] >> This raises a question for me; based on
[5:06] what you’re saying, sociologists now
[5:08] cite many conditions, like the rise in
[5:11] women’s status, more women having their
[5:13] own jobs, and cities providing services
[5:16] for individuals, whether it's gyms or
[5:18] restaurants.
[5:21] These socialized services have created
[5:23] the conditions for the rising population
[5:25] of people living alone.
[5:28] So, lurking beneath this is the question
[5:30] : did these people originally even want
[5:33] to live alone?
[5:34] >> Probably not. Probably not. It’s like,
[5:37] even if you wanted to in the past, the
[5:38] conditions weren't there. Now that the
[5:40] conditions exist, people get a dopamine
[5:42] hit when they socialize, which makes
[5:44] them happy, right?
[5:45] >> For instance, in past agricultural
[5:47] societies, it wasn't necessarily that
[5:49] people were born wanting to live alone.
[5:52] Agricultural societies required
[5:53] collective production, so they naturally
[5:55] tended away from living alone.
[6:00] If we look back at modern society, we
[6:02] can certainly name several benefits of
[6:04] living alone, assuming you have the
[6:06] ability to do so.
[6:10] But the question is, what reason would
[6:12] make us willing to give up living alone
[6:14] and choose to live with someone else?
[6:19] We also know that living together has
[6:21] its downsides; you’ll argue, have
[6:23] friction from seeing each other too much
[6:25] , and so on.
[6:28] But there is a situation that is
[6:29] irreplaceable.
[6:32] When we say "living together," we don't
[6:34] mean just for two or three months or two
[6:36] years.
[6:39] It’s about building a relationship, a
[6:41] sense of being a community.
[6:46] To me, it means you feel willing and
[6:47] hopeful to share a living space with
[6:49] this person, that feeling of relying on
[6:51] each other for survival.
[6:56] I don’t think that feeling can be
[6:58] replaced by 100 benefits of living alone
[7:00] .
[7:02] Of course, you don’t have to rely on
[7:04] someone, but it’s a very unique feeling
[7:06] .
[7:09] I feel the same as you, but I’m starting
[7:11] to reflect—are we a bit "out," a bit
[7:13] old-fashioned?
[7:15] I still think that if you truly go
[7:17] through life alone, like, genuinely
[7:19] alone without even a partner, I still
[7:21] find it hard to imagine.
[7:23] With what we call living alone, how much
[7:25] loneliness can you really handle?
[7:28] I’ll give you a test now, and you can
[7:30] evaluate yourselves. There is an
[7:32] international scale for this, and you’ll
[7:33] realize that you might think you’re
[7:35] qualified to love solitude, right?
[7:36] Actually, there are some things you
[7:38] might not necessarily be able to accept
[7:39] . For example, look at this chart.
[7:41] >> The International Scale of Loneliness.
[7:42] Look at this.
[7:43] >> Who came up with this?
[7:44] >> Wen-dao, why don't you tell us? You have
[7:47] no problem going to the supermarket
[7:48] alone.
[7:49] >> No problem.
[7:50] >> Everyone is fine with going to a
[7:51] restaurant alone, drinking coffee alone
[7:53] , and I love watching movies alone.
[7:54] >> Hmm.
[7:55] >> What about eating hot pot alone?
[7:56] >> Sure, they have those small ones now,
[7:58] don't they?
[7:59] >> I can do it. You don't need to count;
[8:01] I'll tell you which ones I can't do up
[8:03] to level ten.
[8:04] Don't brag, because you don't even go to
[8:06] karaoke.
[8:08] >> I can handle up to level ten, but this
[8:11] level six—going to karaoke alone—is a
[8:13] problem.
[8:16] >> Then I just won't sing?
[8:19] >> Don't you know?
[8:21] Geez.
[8:22] >> This one can't be measured because I
[8:23] don't even like karaoke in the first
[8:25] place. Me going to book a room for
[8:26] karaoke alone? That's the issue. Another
[8:29] one: watching the ocean alone. Oh, I
[8:31] love that, right? And then, going to an
[8:34] amusement park alone. Oh boy.
[8:35] >> I don't really go to amusement parks,
[8:37] but the question is, what if you had to
[8:39] ?
[8:39] >> Forget amusement parks; let's swap it
[8:41] for moving. That's great, practically
[8:43] moving house all by yourself.
[8:45] >> I can move.
[8:45] >> I've done that way too many times.
[8:47] >> Going for surgery alone.
[8:48] >> That's pretty extreme, but I think it
[8:50] might be doable.
[8:51] >> Depends on the surgery, going alone. See
[8:53] , he's got some reservations.
[8:55] >> The first time going to an amusement
[8:57] park alone, I had a...a psychological
[8:59] shadow, I was 17. Anyway, back then, I
[9:01] had just finished high school. We had a
[9:03] family tradition: anyone who graduated
[9:05] high school could go on a trip. The
[9:07] family would give you money for the trip
[9:08] , but my family didn't have money, and
[9:10] no one would go with me.
[9:12] Wait, I didn't quite catch that. What
[9:14] kind of family tradition is that? Anyone
[9:16] who graduates gets to travel, but
[9:18] there's no money, so you still can't go
[9:20] . What kind of situation is that?
[9:22] >> I could go, but no one would accompany
[9:24] me, so I just went alone.
[9:28] Right, so my father had a friend who had
[9:30] a ticket for a trip to the U.S., a cheap
[9:32] one with a tour group, so my father
[9:34] bought it for me to go.
[9:39] Since no one would go with me, I went
[9:41] alone, and one of the places we visited
[9:43] was Disneyland in California.
[9:47] >> Yes, playing there. What I remember most
[9:49] is that everyone else in the tour group
[9:51] was in groups of two, three, or four,
[9:53] and I was the only one alone.
[9:55] Then I'd ride the roller coasters and
[9:57] everything else.
[10:00] You scream in fear all by yourself, with
[10:02] no one there, and then you play those
[10:04] fun games, wanting to share how fun they
[10:06] are with others, but there's no one
[10:08] around—that feeling of being alone.
[10:12] Ever since that time, I’ve vowed never
[10:14] to go to an amusement park alone, and I
[10:16] even avoid traveling solo as much as
[10:18] possible.
[10:19] >> But I don’t think your situation is
[10:21] unique; that’s what you call loneliness
[10:23] within a crowd.
[10:24] >> Hmm.
[10:24] >> You were in a tour group.
[10:26] In that tour group, people were with
[10:28] their families and friends, huddled
[10:30] together, and there you were all alone.
[10:33] But the amusement park loneliness,
[10:34] especially…let me tell you, because I'm
[10:37] often forced to go to amusement parks
[10:39] now—I don't even want to go—taking the
[10:41] kids to Disney or Ocean Park, I’m
[10:43] already sick of it.
[10:44] I often see a phenomenon while waiting
[10:46] in line: there are often women, just
[10:48] girls, who are there alone.
[10:50] >> You can clearly tell she came by herself
[10:52] . Oh my, how did you know what I was
[10:53] about to say?
[10:54] >> So you’ve seen it?
[10:57] >> It’s not just that I’ve seen it; I think
[10:59] whether you're with family or a group,
[11:02] there’s a certain human nature—some
[11:04] people simply enjoy being like a lone
[11:06] swan, wandering in solitary grace.
[11:11] I remember years ago, I knew a girl from
[11:13] Taiwan who was very artsy.
[11:16] She was quiet, hardly ever spoke, and
[11:18] was always carrying a sketchbook.
[11:21] Hmm.
[11:22] >> She’d draw whatever she saw. I sat next
[11:24] to her, and she didn’t really say much,
[11:27] you know? She’d just draw.
[11:28] >> People always found a reason not to talk
[11:30] to her.
[11:30] >> Exactly. I was right across from her,
[11:33] and she’d just draw. No matter what I
[11:34] said, she’d just smile and keep drawing
[11:36] . "That girl is very interesting." Later
[11:39] , I don't know where she went; I rarely
[11:41] saw her, and I rarely heard her speak.
[11:44] And she had this habit of going to
[11:45] amusement parks alone.
[11:48] But hearing you describe it like this, I
[11:50] feel like I’m about to tear up, you know
[11:52] ?
[11:53] She said she loved going during the
[11:55] off-season, to those empty amusement
[11:57] parks.
[11:59] Can you imagine that? Based on my
[12:00] description of this girl, she’s walking
[12:02] through an amusement park all by herself
[12:04] , looking at the carousel.
[12:06] >> They especially love riding the carousel
[12:08] .
[12:08] >> Ah, she rides the carousel.
[12:10] >> Then she just goes, quietly playing
[12:12] through every single one of them.
[12:13] >> Playing.
[12:14] >> I don't know, for someone like me, I
[12:17] might wonder if you actually enjoy being
[12:19] sad or melancholic.
[12:21] That's what I’d think, but it might not
[12:23] be the case—you just don't know what's
[12:25] in that girl's heart.
[12:27] Still don't know.
[12:28] >> I don't know, I don't know, I just...
[12:30] >> Some people truly like it that way, and
[12:32] why is that? Listening to you, maybe she
[12:35] feels she wants to do something in her
[12:37] creative work in the future. Some people
[12:39] specifically like visiting dilapidated
[12:40] amusement parks, treating it like
[12:42] they're documenting things. The issue is
[12:44] , I think the situation you’re
[12:45] describing isn't quite like those "
[12:47] Taiwanese literary girls"; many girls
[12:49] traveling solo nowadays aren't lonely at
[12:51] all. Why? Because they’re constantly
[12:53] checking in, always online, always
[12:55] telling everyone, "Hey everyone, today I
[12:57] ..."—she might even be an influencer! "
[12:59] I’m at Disney today for this new ride, I
[13:01] just tried it, let me report back to you
[13:04] guys how it is, right?""Look, this is
[13:06] the photo I just took."
[13:07] >> Busy as can be.
[13:08] >> Their social media circle is their stage
[13:10] .
[13:10] >> Exactly. Right, you know what? Actually
[13:13] , about that girl you mentioned who
[13:14] keeps drawing along the way, people who
[13:16] travel alone always have a non-human
[13:18] companion. What does that mean?
[13:20] It means her painting is her companion.
[13:23] I’ve experienced this myself; when I
[13:25] used to be free to travel alone, my
[13:27] companion was a camera.
[13:29] I didn't feel lonely at all, you just
[13:31] play with yourself.
[13:34] And rumors say you hooked your husband
[13:36] while traveling solo, didn't you?
[13:39] Wasn't it on a...
[13:41] >> Airplane? Rumors say on a plane, I have
[13:43] a different version.
[13:45] >> Was it in first class next to each other
[13:47] ? No, no, absolutely not.
[13:50] >> It seems, was it or wasn't it on a plane
[13:52] ?
[13:54] >> We did meet on a plane, but that was
[13:56] definitely not me traveling alone.
[13:57] >> He was just sitting there, he was
[13:58] sitting right next to you.
[13:59] >> Yes, yes, that was for work. So how did
[14:02] you two start talking?
[14:03] >> We suddenly realized we were watching
[14:05] the same show—wait, no, it wasn't a
[14:07] movie, we were watching the same show.
[14:09] Later, after waking up, I asked him—
[14:11] wait, he had fallen asleep.
[14:13] >> Well, it was already late at night when
[14:15] we boarded, so I asked him what the
[14:17] ending of that show was.
[14:18] >> It seems...I don't even remember, oh, we
[14:20] have different versions.
[14:21] >> I thought you only started talking after
[14:23] waking up.
[14:23] >> But this feeling is really interesting,
[14:25] it's that you could have never imagined
[14:27] at the time that he would end up being
[14:29] your husband.
[14:30] Yeah, exactly.
[14:31] >> Destiny.
[14:32] >> It’s destiny. But this is awful, next
[14:34] time I fly and see what movie the person
[14:36] next to me is watching, I’ll quickly
[14:38] pick the same one to see how it ends.
[14:41] >> I remember there might also be a chance
[14:43] he has a newspaper and is reading
[14:44] horoscopes, and I ask him what his sign
[14:46] is.
[14:47] >> You're too heartless, not remembering
[14:49] the process at all.
[14:52] Do you know what’s even more magical?
[14:56] It’s on the plane, it’s, how should I
[14:57] put it?
[14:59] Meeting your future father-in-law on the
[15:01] plane.
[15:02] >> Hmm.
[15:04] >> Oh, for the woman, it’s not her
[15:06] father-in-law, it’s the woman’s what?
[15:08] Father-in-law.
[15:09] >> It’s not called father-in-law.
[15:10] >> How do you call it then?
[15:11] >> So this beauty, she’s on a flight, and
[15:13] sitting next to her is this older
[15:15] gentleman.
[15:18] >> She chats with this older gentleman, and
[15:20] later, the gentleman basically tries to
[15:22] sell his own son to her.
[15:26] >> And in the end, it was a success, so she
[15:28] encountered her father-in-law on the
[15:30] plane first.
[15:31] >> This kind of family issue wouldn't be a
[15:33] problem anymore.
[15:34] >> Getting along with the father-in-law,
[15:35] yes, you see she gets along great with
[15:37] him.
[15:38] >> But I don't think it's as romantic as
[15:40] that, bonding after watching the same
[15:42] movie and waking up.
[15:46] But don't forget, all these scenarios
[15:48] you mentioned assume the person
[15:49] traveling alone is a young woman, right
[15:51] ?
[15:54] Carrying an easel, holding a camera,
[15:56] this and that...well, life goes on.
[16:00] At 17, 23, 25, 28, you might enjoy,
[16:03] really enjoy traveling and eating alone
[16:06] with your easel.
[16:09] But as you go on, at 38, 48, can you
[16:11] imagine a middle-aged lady sitting in an
[16:13] amusement park, on a carousel horse,
[16:16] holding a cob of corn?
[16:18] Is that very romantic? Isn't she
[16:20] miserable?
[16:22] >> Are you talking about me?
[16:24] >> And then an older guy.
[16:25] >> Freedom doesn't age; the older you get,
[16:27] the more precious freedom becomes.
[16:29] >> You're still young. I remember, of
[16:31] course, because life goes on, and
[16:33] different stages have different needs,
[16:35] psychological needs and physical needs.
[16:37] I remember, when I was a bit younger, in
[16:40] my 30s, I was once in Causeway Bay alone
[16:42] . My wife wasn't there, and I went for
[16:44] dinner by myself.
[16:46] I walked past a place—one of those
[16:48] Cantonese clay pot rice shops. I sat
[16:50] down; I love snake soup, and Cantonese
[16:53] folks usually pair a snake soup with
[16:55] clay pot rice.
[16:56] Suddenly, a man came over and sat down—
[16:58] to me at the time, he looked like an old
[17:01] guy, though I'm probably older than him
[17:03] now.
[17:04] He was in his 50s, sitting there alone,
[17:06] ordering a bowl of barbecue pork rice.
[17:09] >> Just a side of greens, eating all by
[17:11] himself, looking so lonely. I felt so
[17:13] sad at that moment.
[17:15] I swore to myself that when I got old, I
[17:17] would never end up like that.
[17:19] >> My approach is the complete opposite of
[17:20] yours.
[17:21] >> I am the complete opposite of you.
[17:22] >> Don't I love to eat? Some people call me
[17:24] a gourmet or whatever, but actually, not
[17:27] really. I am, but I dare say, if I am a
[17:29] gourmet, I am a "solitary gourmet." My
[17:32] journey to becoming a gourmet was forged
[17:34] by eating alone.
[17:35] You know, when I was just starting
[17:37] graduate school and working as a
[17:39] teaching assistant at the university, I
[17:41] spent almost my entire salary on food.
[17:44] >> I really loved eating alone.
[17:46] >> And I didn't mind spending money, but
[17:47] it's really inconvenient to eat Chinese
[17:49] food by yourself.
[17:50] >> Exactly.
[17:51] >> That's why I'm more familiar with
[17:52] Western cuisine. No.
[17:54] >> So you know, they're adapting to this
[17:55] need now. It started abroad, and now
[17:57] it's in China too—it's called a "
[17:58] restaurant for one."
[17:59] >> It's just for one person.
[18:00] >> It's just for people like us. Back then
[18:02] in Hong Kong, I basically ate my way
[18:04] through every ordinary Japanese
[18:06] restaurant. All the money I earned from
[18:08] my part-time job went to food or books.
[18:11] I'd rather walk home for over an hour
[18:12] just to have a good meal.
[18:14] >> I ate everywhere, and I did it so often
[18:17] that the restaurants started to
[18:18] recognize me. At first, they treated me
[18:21] exceptionally well, thinking I might be
[18:23] some kind of secret food critic. I
[18:25] discovered back then that there’s a
[18:27] secret to getting restaurants to treat
[18:29] you well—though it might not work now—
[18:31] when eating alone back in those days.
[18:33] While eating, just take out a notebook
[18:35] and jot something down. I guarantee the
[18:37] restaurant will bring out all their best
[18:39] dishes.
[18:40] >> They thought I was one of those Michelin
[18:41] inspectors. Just like that. Later on, I
[18:43] realized that sometimes when I really
[18:45] wanted Chinese food, it wasn't
[18:47] convenient, but there was one place that
[18:49] could solve this need: Temple Street.
[18:51] There are a few stalls in Temple Street
[18:53] that use large shared round tables. Then
[18:55] ordering side dishes, I remember it so
[18:57] well, that was over 20, 30 years ago, a
[19:00] side dish was just a few Hong Kong
[19:01] dollars. A real loach, they didn't have
[19:04] much real fish, real fish was too
[19:06] expensive, right? That loach was just 10
[19:08] dollars or so, and there were a dozen
[19:10] people sharing tables. Yeah.
[19:12] >> Except for me being a young person, they
[19:14] were all those types of lonely old men
[19:16] you mentioned.
[19:17] But I feel that everyone, well, we Hong
[19:20] Kong people don't drink Erguotou, we
[19:22] order this—what is it—shochu...
[19:26] >> Double-steamed.
[19:28] >> Placed on the table, and as we kept
[19:29] drinking, everyone would open up and
[19:31] start chatting.
[19:33] Back then, I also liked going to a
[19:35] bookstore in Mong Kok; after reading,
[19:37] I'd go downstairs to eat beef noodles
[19:38] alone, order some beef tripe, and have a
[19:41] bottle of double-steamed liquor.
[19:43] I was like that, in my teens I was
[19:45] already eating and drinking like those
[19:47] lonely old men, and everyone knew each
[19:48] other. I didn't think they were
[19:50] miserable at all; I thought everyone was
[19:52] very happy.
[19:54] >> I once had a boy confess to me, saying
[19:56] he wouldn't let me eat alone anymore,
[19:58] and I thought, "Hey, I actually like
[19:59] eating alone."
[20:01] >> Total mismatch. I didn't expect to be
[20:04] facing such a "socially extinct"
[20:06] situation.
[20:07] >> My freedom, that feeling you're talking
[20:09] about, I think I can really understand
[20:11] it, but it seems Chinese food portions
[20:13] are particularly large, so it's
[20:14] definitely hard to order when you're
[20:16] alone.
[20:17] >> That's why I go to those places, because
[20:19] for those places, why are they full of
[20:21] these lonely old men? What kind of place
[20:23] do you think Temple Street is? Have you
[20:25] never thought about those commoner
[20:27] districts, they have those so-called "
[20:29] commoner nightclubs," have you never
[20:30] been to such places? Some doorways on
[20:32] Temple Street, for example, you hear
[20:34] loud music, and inside there's someone
[20:36] singing or whatever; you push the door
[20:38] open and see, it's all single men,
[20:39] uncles and seniors just singing there,
[20:41] or listening to the lady sing—that lady
[20:43] is also a middle-aged auntie now, having
[20:46] sung from a young lady to an auntie—and
[20:48] then applauding and such, that kind of
[20:50] vibe. The whole street is for single men
[20:51] ; well, not necessarily single, they
[20:53] might have wives at home, but they're
[20:55] alone.
[20:55] >> Right, they come out alone to hang out.
[20:58] >> Operating solo.
[21:00] >> Exactly, so it's that impulse to seek
[21:02] personal freedom; it's what you call
[21:04] enjoying solitude.
[21:06] >> Mm-hmm.
[21:07] >> The book's conclusion is that brilliant
[21:10] minds, right, often have a preference
[21:12] for solitude; for them, solitude is
[21:14] practically a necessity of life.
[21:17] I could actually find an example for
[21:19] that, which is Einstein.
[21:22] >> Uh-huh, you look at Einstein, his wife
[21:24] also complained about him.
[21:26] But you have to accept one of Einstein's
[21:29] quirks, or rather a habit: he would
[21:31] disappear for a few days.
[21:34] Even when he was at home, he needed
[21:36] family life, he could lead a normal
[21:38] family life, but he would—you had to
[21:41] adapt to him—he had to, first of all,
[21:43] spend a long time every day in a room by
[21:45] himself thinking, and sometimes he would
[21:48] go out for a week to Switzerland or
[21:50] somewhere, all alone, rowing a little
[21:52] boat, likely contemplating these physics
[21:55] problems one after another.
[22:00] Even his wife said, even though they had
[22:02] a good relationship as a couple, she
[22:04] felt that Einstein, while he had this
[22:06] mortal life, this part of our married
[22:09] life, she also always felt there was a
[22:11] part of him that was, I think, perhaps
[22:13] what Schopenhauer described.
[22:16] If you make a person like that engage in
[22:18] this, this, this so-called ordinary
[22:20] social life every day, then for him,
[22:22] sometimes for his, for his spir…it…
[22:24] >> It is a kind of damage.
[22:26] >> Whether it's ordinary or not is one
[22:28] consideration, but what's the other?
[22:30] Happiness.
[22:31] Do you want that kind of happiness?
[22:34] Sometimes happiness can be damaging to
[22:36] you.
[22:36] For example, you've met Pamuk, right?
[22:41] >> At that time he was with his ex-wife,
[22:43] because he's divorced, when they were
[22:45] boyfriend and girlfriend—not sure if
[22:46] they were married yet—while she was
[22:48] getting her PhD in the US, what did he
[22:50] say later?
[22:55] Living together as if they were a
[22:57] married couple, he said it was almost
[22:59] the most painful period in his life, his
[23:01] creative life.
[23:03] Why? It wasn't because he was unhappy,
[23:05] it was because he was too happy.
[23:07] >> Too much happiness.
[23:08] >> When you're too happy, you can't write
[23:10] anything. Yes, that's how he described
[23:12] it.
[23:13] He said this happy life of love and
[23:15] marriage completely hindered his
[23:16] creative inspiration.
[23:19] So how did he eventually cope with it?
[23:22] It was near his home, that...that...
[23:24] well, that was later, he didn't have
[23:26] money to find a writing studio, so what
[23:28] did he do?
[23:30] Every morning.
[23:31] >> He would still get dressed and go out,
[23:33] and what for? To walk, walk, walk, walk
[23:36] , walk for 15 minutes, and then turn
[23:38] back and walk back, he...he felt that
[23:40] way his life and his writing weren't in
[23:43] the same space.
[23:44] Actually, it was the same space, but
[23:46] after walking for half an hour like that
[23:48] , he would console and hypnotize himself
[23:50] .
[23:50] >> As if the environment had changed. The
[23:52] environment has changed, it seems the
[23:54] environment has changed. It feels like
[23:56] going to an office or a studio to write
[23:58] , so sometimes it's too blissful, but I
[24:00] have a question: he’s a writer, he has a
[24:02] platform to express his feelings, but
[24:04] does his wife have a platform to express
[24:06] hers?
[24:07] >> I didn't notice his platform. Because,
[24:08] right, just like Virginia Woolf said
[24:10] many years ago, a woman must have a room
[24:12] of her own, right? Just a room of your
[24:14] own.
[24:15] Sometimes I think there's a question
[24:17] that still puzzles me to this day: can
[24:18] you actually distinguish between
[24:20] loneliness and freedom?
[24:22] >> Sometimes you feel like you want someone
[24:24] to keep you company, and you think what
[24:26] you're losing, what you want to get rid
[24:27] of, is loneliness, but what you end up
[24:29] losing is freedom. In fact, they go hand
[24:31] in hand.
[24:33] I...I’ll boldly reveal a scandal to you
[24:35] all—it's not mine.
[24:38] >> Maybe not a scandal, but I’m providing a
[24:41] specimen that you can help me analyze.
[24:44] I know the words "solitude" and "
[24:46] loneliness." But believe it or not, I
[24:48] don't have those feelings?
[24:50] >> Hmm.
[24:51] >> Maybe I'm sick.
[24:53] Or maybe it's because I'm empty inside.
[24:55] So, I always keep myself occupied.
[24:58] My mom would ask, "What are you doing at
[25:00] home?"
[25:02] I say I'm busy, I'm incredibly busy.
[25:05] I can go two weeks without going
[25:07] downstairs, but I’m not empty; I don't
[25:09] feel lonely at all. My daily routine,
[25:11] look, it's very tedious every day. You
[25:13] wake up in the morning and have to eat
[25:15] breakfast, right? And then, while eating
[25:17] breakfast, you have to look at this,
[25:19] read that book, and there are so many
[25:20] episodes of British, American, and
[25:22] Chinese dramas saved up that I can't
[25:24] finish, plus I have to prepare for*
[25:26] Round Table Party*, and I must spend an
[25:28] hour on the treadmill every day—this,
[25:30] you know? I really...
[25:31] >> Right, and I have to shower too. That's
[25:33] right, and I have to...
[25:35] >> I have to breathe, and this leads to the
[25:37] issue of living alone.
[25:39] What kind of problem does living alone
[25:41] have?
[25:42] Let me tell you, it's interesting—I
[25:44] could go a month without seeing anyone.
[25:47] But what happens when you don't see
[25:49] people? For example, if I go to a good
[25:51] friend's place next door, they say, "
[25:54] Come, come," and there are a few friends
[25:56] there. When I go out, I get this feeling
[25:58] of blushing and a racing heart, you know
[26:01] ?
[26:01] Even though it's just going to a
[26:03] friend's place nearby, because I haven't
[26:05] been out for so long and I’m thinking,
[26:07] are there other friends there too?
[26:09] I’m going to see people, you know? I get
[26:11] a little bit excited. That is just...I
[26:13] ...
[26:14] >> It's been so long since I've been around
[26:15] the scent of people. So, Wentao, what
[26:16] kind of condition would you say I have?
[26:18] >> That wouldn't be called a condition,
[26:19] would it?
[26:20] >> But you...
[26:20] >> I mean, look around, so many people are
[26:23] talking about being lonely or solitary,
[26:25] it seems like...
[26:27] >> The loneliness we're talking about isn't
[26:29] just someone feeling bored, having
[26:31] nothing to do, or lacking companionship
[26:33] .
[26:34] Sometimes, what is this sense of
[26:36] loneliness? It's a clear realization
[26:38] that one is a singular entity. What does
[26:41] that mean? For example, the first time I
[26:43] experienced loneliness as a child was
[26:45] precisely not because I was alone, but
[26:47] because I was in a crowd.
[26:49] >> I was riding my bike back to school one
[26:51] day after a break.
[26:53] As I saw many bikes and people passing
[26:55] by, including some classmates, suddenly
[26:57] my consciousness seemed to leave my body
[26:59] , and I could see myself from the back
[27:01] of my head.
[27:03] >> I realized I actually had nothing in
[27:05] common with these people; I was just one
[27:07] person. You see, I saw myself; that was
[27:10] the moment I first realized...
[27:13] >> Many urban youth share this.
[27:16] Now that you mention it, I recall their
[27:18] definition: "Why do I always feel lonely
[27:20] ?"
[27:21] Loneliness is this: everyone around is
[27:23] human, even acquaintances, classmates,
[27:26] or friends, yet I still feel very lonely
[27:29] ; I still feel like I am all by myself.
[27:31] That’s one definition of loneliness and
[27:34] solitude.
[27:35] Like that Tagore poem, what does it say
[27:37] ? How does it go?
[27:39] Walking on the street, it talks about a
[27:41] sea of people, but no one is loving.
[27:44] >> No what? No, no one is loving.
[27:46] >> Just that the street is full of people,
[27:47] that kind of feeling, but no one is
[27:49] loving, that’s how he put it.
[27:50] >> That’s a universal feeling, isn't it? As
[27:52] the old Chinese saying goes?
[27:54] Acquaintances all over the world. But
[27:55] not one who truly knows you. Yes,
[27:58] everyone faces this situation.
[28:00] >> But the point is, I don't see it as
[28:02] feeling like no one understands you.
[28:05] It's not about lacking a confidant; it's
[28:07] simply realizing that you are an
[28:08] individual.
[28:09] Yes, actually, you two have become very
[28:12] abstract.
[28:13] In reality, many young people live alone
[28:15] today because they’ve left their
[28:17] hometowns, aren't living with their
[28:19] families, whether they are "drifters" in
[28:21] Beijing or elsewhere.
[28:23] >> They actually have no one, there's no
[28:24] one around them.
[28:25] >> You’re great; you’ve brought the topic
[28:27] back. I was going to say, those are the
[28:29] extreme few, we don’t need to worry
[28:31] about the extreme few, right?
[28:32] >> Yes, yes, never mind, let them be lonely
[28:35] . I’m asking, what about the majority of
[28:37] other people? That is to say, it is
[28:39] actually a change in modern modes of
[28:41] production.
[28:43] For instance, since the development of
[28:45] capitalist production, people have
[28:47] become atomized and individualized.
[28:51] Moreover, there is an increasing demand
[28:53] for the quality of one's own life
[28:55] between people.
[28:57] Take a lady I know, for example.
[29:00] >> Due to objective reasons, she and her
[29:01] husband have been living apart.
[29:04] >> After living apart for a long time, she
[29:06] told me that for people like us in our
[29:08] thirties and forties, while we initially
[29:10] wanted to be together, we later realized
[29:13] we didn't want that anymore.
[29:16] >> She said this was fine, and told me, you
[29:18] know, it’s actually very easy for him to
[29:21] fly over now.
[29:23] >> But she said that having him come back
[29:25] for a week every month actually feels
[29:27] like a hassle to me, because do you know
[29:29] why?
[29:30] I’m used to my toothbrush being right
[29:32] here; I’m used to wearing my pajamas or
[29:34] whatever messy clothes to the kitchen to
[29:36] fix something for myself, or if I don't
[29:38] feel like eating breakfast today, I just
[29:41] won't.
[29:42] >> Right? She said, when your husband is
[29:45] actually here, I find it very awkward
[29:46] and troublesome; I even start thinking,
[29:49] "When are you leaving?"
[29:51] >> I have a friend who has long been a "
[29:52] spaceman"—someone who lives apart from
[29:54] their family.
[29:56] >> He works hard in Beijing by himself.
[30:00] While his whole family lives abroad.
[30:02] After living like that for a long time,
[30:04] his family, including his wife, said, "
[30:07] Oh, we’ve been separated for almost 20
[30:09] years.""
[30:10] >> This isn't good; we should probably just
[30:12] live together." So they moved back to
[30:14] Beijing to live together, but not long
[30:16] after, friction started to arise.
[30:18] And there were often little arguments.
[30:21] Do you know how they resolved their
[30:23] disputes?
[30:24] >> They were separated for many years, but
[30:26] they developed a habit of calling each
[30:28] other every day.
[30:29] They would talk on the phone every day,
[30:31] making long-distance calls for 20 years
[30:33] , sometimes chatting for quite a long
[30:34] time and enjoying it. They invested in
[30:36] their relationship that way—a half-hour
[30:38] call every day kept them happy and
[30:39] satisfied.
[30:41] So, after they started living together,
[30:43] whenever they had a conflict, they would
[30:45] talk it out on the phone; each would go
[30:47] to a different room, and to this day,
[30:49] they still maintain the habit of calling
[30:51] each other while at home.
[30:54] In two separate rooms, right?
[30:56] >> Yes, that’s a real case study.
[30:59] >> You just stay there like that.
[31:00] >> No, it’s like at night when you say...
[31:02] >> Roughly like that.
[31:04] Do you mean to say you use those
[31:06] messaging apps to talk?
[31:09] Let's meet for a movie, meet in the
[31:10] living room.
[31:12] The living room layout is fine, so we'll
[31:14] meet in the parlor later, right?
[31:17] Okay, I'll call them in three minutes.
[31:21] >> Sounds like you're living the life of Li
[31:23] Ka-shing, needing to prep a carriage.
[31:26] >> I'll have Feiyong prepare some coffee,
[31:28] then we'll meet in the living room. It's
[31:30] not like what you said; it's unique, of
[31:32] course, having been apart for 20 years.
[31:35] Frankly, people change, so let's check
[31:37] in with the young people of today.
[31:40] I ask many young people and students,
[31:42] and I hear a lot of them say, "When I
[31:44] find a boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse
[31:46] , it's best not to live together
[31:48] constantly.
[31:50] Being able to live alone, just like we
[31:53] said, living nearby, is ideal."
[31:56] That's like in those Woody Allen films,
[31:58] or what he was doing decades ago in
[32:00] Manhattan.
[32:02] He had the money for it.
[32:04] So, it's a choice, and that choice is
[32:06] becoming more common.
[32:09] I think there’s a very important reason
[32:11] for this, right?
[32:12] You're unwilling to sacrifice, unwilling
[32:14] to compromise.
[32:16] Like I said, there are ten pros and ten
[32:18] cons to living alone, and ten pros and
[32:20] ten cons to living together.
[32:24] That sense of shared survival or looking
[32:26] out for one another, even just sharing a
[32:28] space, is important.
[32:32] It's like why we pay for tickets to a
[32:33] concert.
[32:35] You could actually watch the performance
[32:37] at home, right?
[32:41] But we want to exist in the same space
[32:42] and at the same time as our idols.
[32:49] When we talk about love, it's the same;
[32:51] I want to be in the same space as this
[32:53] person, doing something together—eating
[32:56] , watching a movie.
[33:00] But you have to sacrifice and compromise
[33:02] .
[33:03] Do you brush your teeth first, or do I?
[33:06] Who does the dishes?
[33:08] People in their twenties today basically
[33:10] don't want to sacrifice; to them,
[33:12] sacrifice feels like a grievance.
[33:14] >> Right.
[33:14] >> It’s not even just compromise anymore;
[33:16] it’s a grievance. Look at what you’re
[33:18] saying, Yijun. I’m from the 60s, you’re
[33:20] from the 90s, and I can really feel that
[33:22] difference myself. Of course, we want
[33:25] women to have more self-awareness.
[33:28] Who says women should always be
[33:29] submissive to men?
[33:31] I’m the first to disagree, right? Let’s
[33:34] make sure we clarify that ideal first,
[33:36] right?
[33:36] >> Next, you're going to say something
[33:38] difficult, I know.
[33:40] I, I’m not, but I have truly noticed it
[33:42] . Take our generation born in the 60s,
[33:45] for example. Back in college, the way
[33:47] classmates dated—once they started a
[33:49] relationship, a girl would run over to
[33:51] our male dormitory, chirping away,
[33:53] clearly head over heels for her
[33:55] boyfriend. She’d just start doing her
[33:57] boyfriend’s laundry, or even for the
[33:59] other guys in his dorm, it was just...
[34:01] back then, it felt like...
[34:03] >> You were acting like a maid?
[34:06] >> She wasn't a maid, but girls in our era
[34:08] just felt, "Oh, you men don't know how
[34:10] to live properly," and that girls knew
[34:12] how to manage life and keep things clean
[34:14] .
[34:15] >> This guy had...regardless of what it was
[34:18] , it was, it was just that kind of
[34:20] environment.
[34:21] I criticize that kind of environment; I
[34:23] don't advocate for it.
[34:25] I really don't.
[34:27] But honestly, I feel now, some people
[34:29] tell me a different story—they ask,
[34:31] who’s supposed to take care of whom
[34:33] nowadays?
[34:35] Everyone is someone’s son or daughter,
[34:37] everyone is their parents 'precious baby
[34:39] , you know?
[34:42] The issue now is that some—like with
[34:44] overseas students, or those born in the
[34:46] 90s or 00 s—have you ever seen some of
[34:49] these girls' bedrooms?
[34:52] >> Oh, I saw one recently, I can understand
[34:55] .
[34:55] >> You know what I mean? It’s like a
[34:57] disaster zone.
[34:58] >> So, you know, the boys now are changing
[35:00] too; nobody thinks it’s naturally
[35:02] expected that one person should take
[35:04] care of the other’s life, or even that a
[35:06] man should take care of a woman’s life.
[35:09] >> This is a thing for the single
[35:11] generation, right.
[35:13] >> I was recently at a girl's place, I
[35:15] stayed there for one night, and she was
[35:17] talking to me about her breakup, and I
[35:18] was thinking, looking at the state of
[35:20] this place...I’m afraid you’re going to
[35:22] stay heartbroken.
[35:24] >> That’s why I just wanted to leave.
[35:26] >> So, you see, it really is more equal now
[35:28] . Equality—and you find that after
[35:31] equality comes independence.
[35:33] >> Or just this sense of independence. Let
[35:35] me show you a figure: just look at the
[35:37] last ten years, and you’ll realize it’s
[35:39] a global trend—the population of people
[35:41] living alone has increased by 33%.
[35:43] Actually, China is still relatively
[35:46] traditional; our rate is at 14%. But
[35:48] what I want to say is, I think it's
[35:50] interesting why this is happening in
[35:52] places like China and India, you see—
[35:54] it's in developing countries where the
[35:56] middle-class population has suddenly
[35:58] surged.
[35:58] >> Exactly, and there’s also the
[36:00] significant urban-rural gap, isn't there
[36:02] ?
[36:03] >> So this mobility has become very intense
[36:05] .
[36:07] I think we need to understand the
[36:09] phenomenon of living alone that we see
[36:11] now—it’s not necessarily that someone
[36:13] says "I plan to live alone from now on,
[36:15] " but rather an unavoidable reality at
[36:17] this moment.
[36:20] Like Yijun just said, if you come from a
[36:22] rural area, a county seat, or a smaller
[36:25] third-tier city to Beijing, Shanghai, or
[36:27] Guangzhou to study and work, how can you
[36:29] not live alone?
[36:31] So why are youth apartments and
[36:33] co-living arrangements becoming popular
[36:35] now?
[36:35] That’s because the cost of living alone
[36:38] is still very high; renting an apartment
[36:40] in Beijing, Shanghai, or Guangzhou is
[36:42] expensive, so young people team up to
[36:44] rent—that's how it happens. His existing
[36:46] interpersonal connections are basically
[36:48] all cut off. He has to face a new set of
[36:50] relationships, and he's a bit cautious.
[36:52] He can’t just arrive and immediately get
[36:54] married and buy a house, that's
[36:56] impossible. I was talking to an
[36:57] economist recently, and he showed me
[36:59] some data. China is indeed the country
[37:01] with the largest scale of population
[37:03] movement in the world over the past 20
[37:05] years, and the highest level of
[37:06] urbanization due to this mobile
[37:08] population.
[37:09] He mentioned that there are actually
[37:10] differences between the north and the
[37:12] south in China. What did he say? He said
[37:14] that in the south, like in the Shanghai
[37:16] and Zhejiang areas, the situation is
[37:18] actually okay. For example, if you come
[37:20] from another province—what you might
[37:22] call a "drifter"—because Shanghai and
[37:24] the coastal areas have central cities
[37:26] and first-tier cities that are gradually
[37:28] developing into what we call urban
[37:30] clusters.
[37:31] They are expanding, and surrounding
[37:32] satellite cities are emerging, like the
[37:34] Yangtze River Delta. Furthermore, the
[37:36] gap between these urban clusters and
[37:38] their core areas is actually shrinking,
[37:40] especially now with modern logistics.
[37:42] Many people say they don't necessarily
[37:44] need to be in the center because they
[37:45] can order anything online; the disparity
[37:47] is small.
[37:48] >> Many people leave their hometowns and
[37:50] come to these big cities, living in the
[37:52] bustling metropolis, but let me tell you
[37:54] , there are both "small and beautiful"
[37:56] and "small and shabby" areas. No, really
[37:58] , I think you...look, I should just show
[38:01] you some photos. There’s a girl who
[38:03] rented a place that’s 30 square meters,
[38:05] over 30 square meters, look.
[38:07] >> This big.
[38:07] >> When she first arrived, it was a total
[38:09] mess, it was quite...Then look down here
[38:12] , hey, the walls are all peeling like
[38:14] this.
[38:16] But look, he sat down and spent about a
[38:18] month painting the peeling walls himself
[38:20] .
[38:23] It just goes to show that even in a tiny
[38:25] space, you can still live a flavorful
[38:27] life, and you can even whip up a little
[38:29] something for yourself in the small
[38:31] kitchen. Look, not bad.
[38:33] >> A few simple dishes.
[38:36] >> It can be done in a small room of 30
[38:37] square meters, it’s possible.
[38:41] 30 square meters is actually quite
[38:43] spacious, it's plenty for what he's
[38:44] doing now.
[38:47] When you have 30 square meters, of
[38:49] course, as a woman, the first thing is "
[38:51] exquisite" living—that’s the most
[38:53] important thing, regardless of whether
[38:55] you’re rich or not.
[39:00] The point is that 30 square meters is
[39:02] enough, and it gives me the motivation
[39:04] to fix it up and live a happier life.
[39:09] But when you’re living in eight square
[39:11] meters, how can you talk to me about "
[39:13] exquisite" living?
[39:14] How could I possibly decorate? In my
[39:16] eight-square-meter room, I did
[39:18] everything there—eating, sleeping,
[39:20] everything. I practically had to sleep
[39:22] standing up—like a coffin home or a
[39:24] fridge box.
[39:25] >> I’ve lived in seven square meters.
[39:27] >> In Hong Kong?
[39:28] >> In Guangzhou.
[39:29] >> When I first came to Hong Kong, the
[39:30] first agent took me to see apartments,
[39:32] and they were also terrible places. He
[39:34] said, "Don't worry, Liu Jialin. You know
[39:36] , when I first arrived in Hong Kong, the
[39:39] company rented a place over 40 square
[39:41] meters, a two-bedroom apartment. I lived
[39:43] with the famous Chinese music producer
[39:46] Huang Xiao...Mao."
[39:49] >> With Xiao Mao, we both...you know, the
[39:51] room we lived in was a themed room.
[39:56] >> The carpet was purple.
[39:59] The walls were also purple.
[40:02] We lived in a purple room—you know, two
[40:05] grown men.
[40:07] >> When our friends came over, they all
[40:08] thought it was very strange.
[40:10] >> It was so small, and it felt so awkward
[40:12] . You'd want to make a phone call, right
[40:15] ?
[40:15] He would always complain, "Who are you
[40:17] talking to on the phone? You talk for
[40:19] hours and hours, I can't even get in
[40:21] touch with my family because the line is
[40:23] always busy, right?" And so on. In the
[40:26] end, that's how it was. See, after
[40:27] living together for a year, we both
[40:29] moved out. We swore we couldn't do it
[40:31] anymore; it was hard to adapt to living
[40:32] together, and we had to live alone.
[40:35] Because this situation is very common in
[40:37] Hong Kong, people there have developed
[40:39] to be very flexible and considerate.
[40:43] For example, if you have a daughter
[40:45] living with her siblings, and she starts
[40:47] dating a boyfriend, everyone pretty much
[40:49] knows.
[40:51] While eating, my daughter said, "Oh, by
[40:54] the way, my boyfriend is coming over
[40:56] tonight at 8:30."
[40:57] Everyone looked at each other—we all
[40:59] knew what that meant.
[41:01] Since the boyfriend was coming at 8:30,
[41:03] Mom, Dad, and the siblings all found
[41:05] excuses to leave by 8:25. My younger
[41:07] sister said, "I'm going to karaoke." My
[41:09] younger brother said, "I'm going to play
[41:11] soccer." My dad said, "I'm going
[41:13] downstairs to watch the ladies dancing
[41:14] in the square." That "lady" was actually
[41:17] his wife; he was just going to watch her
[41:19] .
[41:22] I’ve realized one very practical thing:
[41:24] you know, as I mentioned, sometimes I’ve
[41:27] had these scares—maybe not heart attacks
[41:29] , but cardiac neurosis, right?
[41:33] Well, it’s just pure panic, and I
[41:35] realized that living alone creates this
[41:37] objective problem.
[41:39] >> You know, in Beijing, there were times
[41:41] when I was so terrified that I’d drink
[41:43] baijiu, and my heart rate would hit over
[41:46] 100 beats per minute.
[41:48] Drinking alcohol actually does that, you
[41:50] know? But sometimes you can't tell the
[41:52] difference.
[41:52] >> You can't tell if it's the alcohol or if
[41:54] you're having an episode, and by the
[41:56] second half of the night, you can't
[41:58] sleep—the first half is the alcohol, the
[42:01] second half is the fear. Oh my god, I’d
[42:03] just clutch my phone. Staring at it,
[42:05] ready to call for an ambulance.
[42:08] At those moments, I’d think, "Is this it
[42:10] ? Am I going to go just like that?" Who
[42:13] would even know? Who would call for help
[42:14] for you?
[42:15] >> Who would deal with the remains? Do you
[42:17] really...do you remember? Eileen Chang,
[42:19] she was dead for, what, two weeks?
[42:21] >> Before she was found.
[42:22] >> Found by someone. In Hong Kong, they
[42:24] have those emergency buttons for the
[42:26] elderly, right? Like a "life alarm."
[42:29] In some countries, they have watches you
[42:31] can press if you fall.
[42:33] >> That’s a service that should really be
[42:34] considered for people living alone.
[42:36] >> I’ve seen it, it’s true. I had a teacher
[42:39] , an Englishman, who was...honestly, he
[42:41] was the only person I’ve ever met who
[42:43] could truly live a lonely life.
[42:46] I always tried to understand it, but he
[42:48] was truly independent; he always lived
[42:50] by himself.
[42:53] He might have had relationships in the
[42:55] past, but I didn't ask much; regardless
[42:57] , he’s lived alone for a long time now.
[43:00] He just listens to opera at home every
[43:02] day. Yeah.
[43:03] >> He’s already retired, you see. He just
[43:05] listens to operas all day. Every time
[43:07] you visit him, the moment you walk in,
[43:09] he’s like, "Oh, in this opera, the
[43:11] heavens are about to collapse," or
[43:13] something like that, but—
[43:15] >> You—I really don’t see a shred of need
[43:17] in him to break out of this kind of life
[43:19] .
[43:20] Besides his constant traveling, I’ve
[43:22] noticed he replies to emails really
[43:23] quickly, and he writes so much. You
[43:25] write him one sentence, and he writes
[43:27] back a ton. He seems to have so much
[43:29] time. Other than that, I’ve noticed his
[43:31] vibe is exactly what we call "having no
[43:33] desires makes one strong"; it’s as if he
[43:35] has no demands of the outside world at
[43:37] all. And at his stage in life, he
[43:38] doesn't need to chase fame or fortune,
[43:40] nor does he need to build any complex
[43:42] interpersonal relationships. He's just
[43:44] on his own. I really feel he enjoys this
[43:47] state.
[43:49] To me, he’s quite an example that a
[43:50] person can actually attain that kind of
[43:52] state.
[43:54] >> So, we must respect people’s differences
[43:56] .
[43:57] Traditionally speaking, is it human
[43:59] nature, as Jiahui said, to still need a
[44:02] partner, or even to need family life?
[44:05] We don't know.
[44:06] Some people are obviously fine living
[44:08] alone their whole lives, staying healthy
[44:11] .
[44:12] That’s one type of person, but could
[44:14] there be another type where, if they
[44:16] were really left alone in a room for a
[44:18] long time, would they develop problems?
[44:22] >> Some are definitely fine, but you can’t
[44:24] say it’s perfectly fine for everyone.
[44:26] For instance, at least some people might
[44:28] display extreme sensitivity in their
[44:30] personality.
[44:32] >> Mm.
[44:32] >> Well, of course.
[44:33] >> It’s like, towards other people's words
[44:35] —if you always live alone, you tend to
[44:38] magnify the impact of others 'comments.
[44:40] >> It’s something some psychologists have
[44:42] summarized, though it clearly doesn't
[44:44] apply to everyone.
[44:46] As you said, we should respect
[44:48] everyone's differences; it's best to
[44:50] have all kinds.
[44:54] Like the professor you mentioned in the
[44:56] UK, the feminist novelist Iris Murdoch
[44:58] from Oxford—she passed away, an
[45:00] important writer—and her husband, the
[45:02] professor John Bayley, whose story was
[45:04] made into a movie...
[45:07] >> It's called "Iris."
[45:10] In the movie, he recalls falling in love
[45:12] and marrying his wife back when they
[45:14] were university students.
[45:19] There’s a very interesting part in it
[45:21] where he talks about their long marriage
[45:22] and asks what the most beautiful moment
[45:24] was.
[45:26] Being alone together.
[45:29] >> Being together is fine, but there's also
[45:31] that sense of "being alone together."
[45:36] Simply put, it means that while you can
[45:38] rely on each other, you still have your
[45:40] own freedom and personal space.
[45:44] To be more specific, my wife is a writer
[45:47] , so she creates.
[45:49] She needs a very free soul.
[45:54] Even though we are a married couple,
[45:56] about every six months, she goes off to
[45:58] a place—a community where there are
[46:00] painters, musicians, and all kinds of
[46:01] people.
[46:06] She goes there for a week or two, and I
[46:07] don't ask her about it.
[46:10] I know if I asked, she wouldn't say, so
[46:12] I just don't ask.
[46:14] Anyway, she has to disappear for two
[46:16] weeks every six months.
[46:19] When she comes back, she can start
[46:21] creating again and return to her own
[46:22] life.
[46:24] Isn't that the most ideal situation,
[46:26] right?
[46:28] You're together, you're "alone together
[46:30] ," yet every six months she can go out
[46:32] to find her own space for inspiration.
[46:35] Yes, life is actually progressing.
[46:41] You realize that in the past, many large
[46:43] families had their own sorrows,
[46:45] including the pressure to integrate into
[46:47] a collective or social life, which often
[46:49] caused spiritual harm.
[46:55] But now, we have the conditions for
[46:57] everyone to have their own little world
[46:58] .
[47:01] However, I think we can look at this
[47:03] more realistically.
[47:05] Like you said, when you get sick, you
[47:07] might feel that this is a problem with
[47:09] living alone.
[47:11] We can look at what kind of world the
[47:13] modern world is; it’s a state where
[47:14] family functions are constantly being
[47:16] stripped away, right? For instance, in
[47:18] the past, birth, aging, illness, and
[47:20] death all took place at home.
[47:21] >> Later, most of us don't give birth at
[47:23] home anymore, and we don't die at home
[47:25] either.
[47:26] >> We don't recover from illnesses at home
[47:28] anymore; it's all become socialized.
[47:30] >> So,
[47:33] >> Consequently, many functions that
[47:35] families originally provided for mutual
[47:37] support are also being stripped away.
[47:42] For example, looking at the countries
[47:44] with high rates of solitary living,
[47:46] besides developing nations, what else is
[47:49] there?
[47:51] Like Japan, for instance. How does it
[47:53] work there?
[47:54] Almost all of their family functions
[47:56] have been outsourced. When I press a
[47:58] button, someone is always there to
[47:59] provide emergency care.
[48:01] >> When the entire senior living
[48:03] arrangement is so well-organized.
[48:06] When even many household appliances are
[48:08] designed specifically from the
[48:10] perspective of elderly people living
[48:11] alone,
[48:13] >> it means all your needs can be met by
[48:15] strangers.
[48:17] When your needs can be met by strangers
[48:19] or technology, do you truly still need
[48:21] someone else to live with you?
[48:24] >> Well, so you see, this is a general
[48:27] systemic trend, right? On one hand,
[48:29] objectively speaking, households are
[48:31] becoming smaller and smaller, with
[48:33] individuals as the unit; but on the
[48:35] other hand, social services are
[48:36] increasingly catching up.
[48:38] >> So under these circumstances, I think
[48:40] ...
[48:40] >> That is to say, the wealthier and more
[48:42] developed a place is, the more
[48:44] conditions it creates for living alone.
[48:48] >> But I feel this needs further discussion
[48:49] .
[48:52] In my view, under these circumstances,
[48:54] there is even more reason not to live
[48:56] alone.
[49:01] Living together is no longer a practical
[49:03] need for mutual care, but has turned
[49:05] into a pure relationship.
[49:08] >> How romantic. This is a community of
[49:10] shared life.
[49:13] I am with you not so you can take care
[49:15] of me when I'm sick, not so you can
[49:16] clean up after me when I die, and not so
[49:18] you can cook for me.
[49:21] I just want to be with you in this space
[49:23] .
[49:24] >> The wife is nodding, my sister-in-law is
[49:26] nodding, she’s nodding—well said, well
[49:29] said.
[49:29] >> He says this all the time.
[49:30] >> It’s different when the wife is here.
