## Background
This episode was published on October 12, 2023, on YouTube by Steven Bartlett on his channel The Diary Of A CEO, featuring guest Dr. Gabor Maté. The video description highlights a deep conversation covering the connection between suppressed emotions, childhood trauma, and physical illness, alongside practical strategies for setting boundaries, developing emotional intimacy, and pursuing inner peace.
## TL;DR
Dr. Gabor Maté explores how unresolved childhood trauma, emotional suppression, and the sacrifice of authenticity for attachment lead to chronic physical illnesses and mental health struggles. He distinguishes healthy, self-protective anger from destructive rage and explains how early life stress shapes adult relationship dynamics and health risks. To break these patterns, Dr. Maté advocates for cultivating self-awareness, honoring genuine emotional boundaries, and embracing vulnerability to foster generational healing.
## Atmosphere & style
The conversation carries an intimate, deeply reflective, and compassionate tone, blending clinical wisdom with personal vulnerability. Steven Bartlett acts as an engaged and curious host, bringing relatable anecdotes that allow Dr. Maté to unpack complex psychoneuroimmunology concepts with clarity and warmth. Watching it feels like a grounded, transformative exploration of human suffering and recovery, balancing sober insights into illness with a hopeful, gentle invitation toward self-discovery.
## Key takeaways
- [53:02](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=3182s) People-pleasing and suppressed boundaries are learned adaptations to maintain attachment, but sacrificing authenticity often manifests physically as chronic autoimmune conditions and illness.
- [53:02](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=3182s) Dr. Maté outlines a four-part self-inquiry framework from 'The Myth of Normal' to help individuals unlearn second-nature compliance and set healthy boundaries.
- [01:00:46](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=3646s) Modern medical education largely ignores psychoneuroimmunology and the mind-body connection, failing to account for how parental and social stress drive chronic physical illness.
- [01:00:46](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=3646s) Self-guided healing and recovery from trauma are accessible without costly therapy through literature on trauma, parts work, and body-based healing.
- [01:07:17](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=4037s) Healthy anger functions as a temporary boundary defense mechanism that dissipates once safety is established, whereas chronic rage doubles the risk of heart attacks and strokes within two hours of an outburst.
- [01:11:41](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=4301s) Childhood labels and trauma often lead to adult concentration issues or emotional triggers; Dr. Maté explains ADD as a normal brain response to abnormal early life stress rather than a biological disease.
- [01:13:58](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=4438s) Cultivating self-awareness, mindfulness, and breath observation helps counter chronic background stress and emotional triggers rooted in early childhood experiences.
- [01:23:06](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=4986s) Authentic romantic relationships require the capacity to be comfortable alone; expecting a partner to fill internal emptiness leads to resentment and emotional breakdown.
- [01:27:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=5220s) Fathers with unresolved emotional needs can act out when a baby shifts maternal focus, while rushing physical intimacy without emotional safety triggers a freeze response and sexual shutdown.
- [01:31:35](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=5495s) True intentions are revealed by daily behavior and time allocation rather than spoken goals, as external achievements often mask a subconscious drive for validation.
- [01:38:11](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=5891s) Achieving inner peace requires accepting vulnerability and confronting internal wounds to break historical trauma patterns and pass generational healing down to future generations.
## Detailed walkthrough
### [00:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=0s) The Epidemic of Distress and the Hidden Toll of Self-Doubt
A silent health crisis is currently sweeping the globe. Across the adult population, 70% of people take at least one prescription medication, a quarter of all women are on antidepressants, and childhood distress continues to rise sharply. This widespread internal suffering frequently manifests in the physical body. When individuals consistently suppress their core emotional needs, fail to express healthy anger, or act as habitual people-pleasers, the body steps in to say "no" on their behalf through chronic illness, autoimmune conditions, and increased cancer risks.
Even world-renowned trauma experts like Dr. Gabor Maté are not immune to these internal struggles. Opening up in an authentic moment of vulnerability, Maté reflects on how his internal state fluctuates. Though feeling peaceful during the conversation, he admits that just two days prior he felt deeply anxious after giving a keynote speech to 2,100 people in London. He succumbed to intense self-criticism, convincing himself that he hadn't done his best, had failed to be fully present, and had let his audience down. This mental spiral triggered visceral physical symptoms, including a roiling sensation in his belly, proving how easily intellectual knowledge can go offline when self-doubt takes over.
* **70%** of the adult population is on at least one medication.
* **25%** of women are currently taking antidepressants.
* **2,100 people** attended Dr. Maté's recent London talk, which triggered his sudden onset of acute self-criticism and physical anxiety.
---
[04:17](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=257s) Circuit-Breaking Stress: Digital Sabbaticals and Neurological Regulation
To break out of these self-critical loops, Maté relies on specific strategies to reset his nervous system. Earlier in the year, feeling utterly discombobulated, he took a radical two-week total sabbatical from the internet—completely cutting off email, cell phones, and checking online book sales. He describes the persistent, almost unconscious compulsion to pick up his phone even while in airplane mode, exposing a deeply ingrained impulse to seek external validation to fill an internal void. By observing these urges without identifying with them, he returned from the break feeling like a completely transformed person.
From a neurological perspective, processing stress requires shifting activity out of the emotional center of the brain. When anxiety or resentment takes hold, the midfrontal cortex—the region responsible for insight, executive function, self-awareness, and social connection—frequently goes offline, a reaction that is especially pronounced in individuals with childhood trauma. Vocalizing feelings, practicing mindfulness, and engaging in meditation restore these critical midfrontal capacities, enabling people to "step outside the video game and hold the controller."
* **14 days** of complete digital detox successfully re-wired Maté's stress responses and eliminated the constant urge for digital validation.
---
[06:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=405s) The Disconnect Between Public Wisdom and Private Reality
The catalyst for Maté's digital detox was an urgent wake-up call in his personal life. Despite having written *When the Body Says No*—a book that thousands of readers credit with saving their lives—Maté found himself dispensing wisdom that he was failing to practice at home. The mounting stress of his public life severely strained his relationship with his wife, Rae. Right before their 54th wedding anniversary, Rae confronted him directly, stating: "Enough of this gap between who you are there in public and how you are in private."
Recognizing the hypocrisy of speaking profound truths on stage while failing to live them at home, Maté committed to doing the hard, practical internal work. Shortly thereafter, however, he embarked on an exhausting international media tour for his bestseller, *The Myth of Normal* (published in 35 languages). The massive commercial success of the book ironically drove him deeper into misery; as he became more externally engaged and swept up in public validation, he lost touch with himself.
> "When people don't know how to say no, the body will say it in the form of illness."
---
[10:43](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=643s) The Backlash, the Prince Harry Interview, and Unhealing Childhood Wounds
This pattern of ignoring his internal wisdom culminated in Maté's controversial interview with Prince Harry following the release of Harry's memoir, *Spare*. Maté admits that his intuition warned him against the event's commercial setup, which forced viewers to purchase a copy of the book to watch the live stream. Though Maté believed the conversation should have been a free public service, he gave in out of "sheer opportunism," ignoring his gut feelings.
```
[Gut Feeling Against Paywall] ──► [Agreed Out of Opportunism] ──► [Loss of Self]
│
▼
[Vicious Media Reaction] ◄── [Childhood Wound Activated: "Not Being Seen"]
```
The aftermath of the broadcast was swift and brutal. British media and social platforms unleashed a wave of hostile, highly critical coverage, with commentators branding Maté a "stern, overbearing merchant of pain." The backlash plunged him into a dark, negative headspace. Overwhelmed by the public distortion of his motives, Maté turned to a psychiatrist friend for help—recalling the poignant lesson from Charlie Mackesy’s *The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse*, where the horse reveals that the most courageous thing he ever said was "Help."
During their therapy conversation, the psychiatrist asked Maté why the negative press bothered him so deeply, to which Maté replied, "Not being seen." His friend gently reminded him that as an infant, not being seen for who he was almost cost him his life. This crucial insight allowed Maté to realize he was re-experiencing an unresolved childhood wound from 79 years prior, rather than reacting to present-day journalists.
* **4,000,000 copies** of Prince Harry's book *Spare* had already been sold before the paywalled live-streamed interview took place.
* **79 years old**: The age at which Maté recognized he was still battling the primitive fear of "not being seen."
---
[14:48](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=888s) Emotional Deprivation in High Society and the Primordial Need for Touch
Reflecting on Prince Harry’s life, Maté emphasizes that trauma is wildly misunderstood by the public, who often assume that growing up in gilded palaces protects a person from deep emotional injury. Harry was born into a loveless marriage to a deeply troubled mother and a distant father. Maté points to a poignant moment in *Spare* where a 12-year-old Harry is informed of Princess Diana's tragic death. His father, then Prince Charles, entered the room early in the morning, announced the fatal accident, briefly placed an awkward hand on Harry's knee to say "it'll be okay," and left the room without ever holding or hugging his grieving child.
This emotional distance was a generational echo. Queen Elizabeth II famously greeted a five-year-old Prince Charles with a formal handshake upon returning from a five-month royal tour. Maté points out that this severe lack of physical touch goes against fundamental mammalian biology.
To illustrate the critical importance of touch, Maté references extensive scientific literature and animal behavior research:
* **Laboratory Rat Studies:** Mother rats lick and groom their newborns immediately after birth; this physical stimulation directly dictates healthy brain development in the offspring.
* **Premature Infant Research:** Preterm babies placed in incubators show significantly improved brain development and growth when stroked on their backs for just 10 minutes a day.
* **Anthropological Insights:** Ashley Montagu’s seminal work, *Skin: The Human Significance of Touch*, details how tactile contact is essential for healthy mammalian development.
* **The Evolved Nest:** Psychologist Darcia Narvaez documents that when a mother elephant gives birth, the surrounding female elephants immediately gather to stroke the newborn with their trunks, providing critical grounding and physical touch.
[18:09](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=1089s) Asking for Help, Lennon's Traumatic Past, and Unmet Childhood Needs
Dr. Gabor Maté returns to a recent public media controversy, recalling how a journalist vastly distorted his words by claiming he said the Royal Family "treats their kids like animals." Maté clarifies that his actual response was, "No, I wish they had," pointing out that animals naturally attend to their young's basic biological and emotional needs. The personal sting of this media distortion drove him to a dark place where he ultimately decided to consult a psychiatrist. He reflects that seeking help, far from being a sign of weakness, is the most courageous act a person can undertake—a sentiment echoed in Charlie Mackesy's book *The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse*.
To illustrate this, Maté points to John Lennon's iconic Beatles song *Help!*. Lennon sang about believing in his youth that he never needed anyone's help, a defense mechanism rooted in profound early trauma: his father abandoned him at birth, his mother left, and he was raised by his aunt. Lennon grew up feeling he had to survive entirely on his own. In reality, all humans are born with fundamental needs to be understood, attuned to, seen, and validated. When these basic emotional needs go unmet, a child experiences trauma—even in the absence of obvious catastrophic events. Stressful or emotionally unavailable parenting is enough to wound a sensitive child.
* "The most courageous thing you can do is ask for help."
* Children can be deeply traumatized not only by terrible events, but simply by not having their core emotional needs met, seen, or validated.
* The literal meaning of "trauma" is a wound; it does not require horrific external events to occur.
---
[20:42](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=1242s) The CEO's Dilemma, Anxiety, and Disconnection from Gut Feelings
Steven Bartlett reflects on his own struggles as a male CEO, admitting how difficult it has been for him to ask for help. Because he views himself as the solver and leader, he historically absorbed problems, feeling that men in positions of power must figure everything out alone. He describes the heavy physical toll of repressing his emotions: while he never experienced anxiety in his early twenties, the pressure accumulated by his late twenties into full-blown anxiety marked by short breath and constant internal angst. Maté then poses a reflective question to Bartlett, drawing a parallel to beautiful women who struggle to know if suitors love them for who they are or just their looks: how does a young, wealthy, successful individual know if people approach them out of genuine care or self-interest? Bartlett acknowledges that this is a major struggle, leading him to rely almost exclusively on a tight circle of five trusted friends he has known for over a decade.
Maté explains that navigating such interpersonal ambiguity requires tapping back into our "gut feelings." We are all born naturally attuned to our internal radar, but childhood trauma causes us to disconnect from it. Maté notes that when he asked an audience of 2,100 people at the Troxy in London if they had ever ignored a strong gut feeling only to regret it later, almost every hand went up.
* Physiologically, the gut contains more of the neurotransmitter serotonin than the brain itself.
* The gut sends significantly more nerve connections to the brain than the brain sends down to the gut.
* Human evolution relied on heart, gut, and head intelligence working in unison to navigate safety and danger in nature.
* Repressing stress through coping mechanisms—such as overworking, achieving high status, or relying on intellect—eventually breaks down.
---
[26:24](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=1584s) Autoimmune Diseases, Gender Expectations, and Repressed Anger
Maté transitions to the stark physiological consequences of emotional repression, noting a striking health disparity: women account for approximately 80% of all autoimmune disease cases in modern society. Conditions such as rheumatoid arthritis, systemic lupus, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, and inflammatory bowel diseases disproportionately affect women. Drawing from his extensive background in family practice and palliative care, Maté explains that illness is rarely accidental. He consistently observed specific behavioral patterns in patients who developed these illnesses, a topic detailed in his books *When the Body Says No* and *The Myth of Normal*.
These traits include a compulsive concern for others' emotional needs over one's own, an over-identification with duty and social roles, the suppression of healthy anger, and the toxic belief that one is responsible for how others feel while never allowing oneself to disappoint anyone. Patriarchy and cultural conditioning program women to act as the primary caregivers and peacemakers, forcing them to absorb their partners' stresses at the expense of their own well-being. Maté candidly admits that earlier in his marriage, he implicitly expected his wife to absorb his stress and mother him, resulting in hostility and blame when his unexamined needs were unmet.
* **Characteristics commonly found in autoimmune patients:**
* Compulsive concern for the emotional needs of others while ignoring self-care.
* Identification with external duty, role, and responsibility over the authentic self.
* Suppression of healthy, boundary-protecting anger to maintain peace.
* Deep-seated belief that they must never disappoint anyone.
* Women are far more likely to be prescribed antidepressants because they are often absorbing the unaddressed emotional tension of the entire household.
---
[30:57](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=1857s) Unconscious Relational Dynamics: Mothering and Emotional Repression
The conversation deepens into the hidden psychological dynamics that ruin romantic relationships. Maté outlines how men often unconsciously demand that their female partners fulfill the role of the mothering figure they lacked in childhood. Women, conditioned by societal expectations, step into this caretaker role. However, this dynamic destroys romantic and sexual vitality: no healthy man wants to sleep with his mother, and no healthy woman wants to sleep with her son. As passion drains away, the man grows frustrated and blames his partner rather than reflecting on his own emotional regression.
Bartlett shares a vulnerable moment, recalling a period when his severe anxiety brought his relationship to the brink of a breakup. Instead of communicating his internal distress, he acted out, implicitly demanding that his partner instinctively adapt to his unstated needs without him having to own his feelings. Bartlett's partner eventually issued an ultimatum ("Should I just go?"), which forced him to acknowledge his vulnerability and talk through his anxiety rather than projecting resentment.
* People invariably marry partners who share their exact level of emotional development or trauma resolution.
* Healthy anger is an essential, present-moment boundary defense (e.g., "You are in my space; get out"), distinct from destructive chronic rage.
* If a woman lacks the boundary strength to stop absorbing her partner's emotional weight, her body will eventually "say no" through physical illness or depression.
* When a mature woman finally asserts boundaries and refuses to act as a mother, emotionally stunted men often seek out younger, less mature partners who have not yet learned to set limits.
---
[34:15](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=2055s) The Physiological Mirror: Emotion, Boundary Defense, and Immunity
Maté presents a striking biological parallel between the human emotional system and the immune system. The primary function of the emotional system is boundary defense—allowing in what is loving, nurturing, and healthy while keeping out what is toxic or harmful. In exact functional parallel, the body's immune system operates as a "floating brain" equipped with memory and reactivity, designed to ingest nutrients while repelling foreign pathogens and toxins. When a person habitually represses their healthy emotional boundaries (such as suppressing anger or failing to say "no"), the immune system loses its capacity to distinguish self from non-self, ultimately turning inward and attacking the body's own tissues.
* Both the emotional system and the immune system share the precise same functional goal: admitting what is healthy and repelling what is harmful.
* Suppressing healthy anger weakens physiological boundary defenses, directly disrupting immune regulation.
[35:58](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=2158s) Psychoneuroimmunology: The Physiology of Repressed Anger
Dr. Gabor Maté explains that the immune system and the emotional system perform the exact same core function: they accept what is healthy (like self-integrity or beneficial bacteria) and destroy or keep out what is toxic or invasive. Physiologically, these are not separate mechanisms. The emotional, nervous, hormonal, and immune apparatuses form a single unified system studied by the field of psychoneuroimmunology. Because of this intrinsic unity, suppressing your emotional life directly suppresses your immune system, leading to diminished immune activity and leaving the body vulnerable to malignancy or autoimmune failure. Under normal conditions, the immune system constantly identifies and eliminates cancerous cells that lack standard cellular markers, but emotional repression compromises this surveillance mechanism.
```
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| THE UNIFIED BODY SYSTEM |
| (Psychoneuroimmunology) |
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| [ Emotional System ] <---> [ Nervous System ] <---> [ Immune System ] |
| |
| * Core Function: Accepts what is healthy, rejects toxic invaders. |
| * Repressing Anger = Suppressing Immune Function. |
| |
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
```
When Steven Bartlett reassures Dr. Maté that he isn't speaking too much because his passion for the topic is evident, Dr. Maté emphasizes how critical these scientific facts are to medical practice. He recalls the work of Dr. David Kissen, a British thoracic surgeon from the 1960s who observed that emotionally repressed patients were far more susceptible to developing lung cancer. While smoking is undeniably the leading risk factor for lung cancer, only about 10 to 15 percent of heavy smokers actually contract the disease; Kissen found that emotional repression was the key variable determining which smokers developed tumors, with higher degrees of repression lowering the amount of smoking required to trigger malignancy.
- Dr. David Kissen's 1960s thoracic surgery findings demonstrated a direct statistical link between emotional repression and lung cancer onset.
- Out of 100 heavy smokers, only roughly 10 to 15 develop lung cancer, highlighting individual systemic vulnerability factors like emotional suppression.
- Suppressed anger undermines natural killer cell responses, reducing the body's ability to destroy newly formed cancer cells.
---
[38:55](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=2335s) Attachment vs. Authenticity: The Core Conflict of Childhood
All children are born with two fundamental, non-negotiable needs: **attachment** and **authenticity**. Attachment—the biological drive to seek proximity, closeness, and unconditional acceptance from caring adults—is hardwired into the mammalian brain because an isolated infant cannot survive. Authenticity is the ability to remain connected to one's own body, gut feelings, and emotional signals. In nature, being authentic allows an organism to know when it is safe or endangered, to set boundaries, and to express genuine "yes" or "no" responses.
```
CHILDHOOD SURVIVAL CONFLICT
[ Attachment ] [ Authenticity ]
(Closeness & Safety) (True Feelings & Boundaries)
\ /
\ /
v v
If forced to choose under parental pressure:
--> Child chooses ATTACHMENT over AUTHENTICITY
--> Result: Emotional Disconnection (Trauma)
```
Problems arise when a child's environment forces a choice between these two needs. When parents punish genuine self-expression—such as a toddler throwing a frustration-induced tantrum over being denied a cookie before dinner—they communicate that the child is only acceptable under specific conditions. Faced with the choice between staying authentically connected to their own feelings or maintaining the essential attachment bond with a caregiver, the child will invariably sacrifice authenticity. Dr. Maté notes that this dynamic played out publicly in the life of Prince Harry, who struggled with his identity because he was required to suppress his authentic self to fit royal expectations. This disconnection from oneself for the sake of preserving external relationships is the very essence of childhood trauma.
- Attachment is a universal mammalian survival mechanism governed by dedicated neural circuits.
- Authenticity provides the instinctual gut feelings required for self-protection, boundary setting, and decision-making.
- When parental love feels conditional, children suppress their authentic emotions to maintain the attachment relationship.
- Disconnection from one's authentic self in early life leads to a perpetual fear of self-expression in adulthood.
---
[43:43](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=2623s) The Hidden Health Hazards of People-Pleasing and ALS
People-pleasing is not a harmless personality trait; it is a subconscious survival mechanism where an individual sacrifices authenticity to maintain acceptance. Dr. Maté references singer Sheryl Crow, who remarked that her breast cancer diagnosis transformed her life by silencing the persistent inner voices telling her she was wrong, finally freeing her from a lifelong habit of trying to please everyone else. Dr. Maté admits that as a physician, he always worries most for the "very nice" individuals because their niceness often stems from a deep fear of rejection rather than grounded compassion.
To illustrate this, Dr. Maté recounts a story from 1870, when French neurologist Jean-Martin Charcot first described multiple sclerosis (MS) and posited that it was a stress-driven disease. Years later, while writing *When the Body Says No*, Dr. Maté met with a group of 25 MS patients in Vancouver. When he tentatively suggested that people with MS often struggle with people-pleasing and setting boundaries, the group instantly agreed. To demonstrate this, Dr. Maté lightheartedly demanded $100 from a female attendee; despite the absurdity of the request from a stranger, she found herself completely unable to say the word "no," demonstrating how deeply ingrained childhood boundary suppression remains in adulthood.
```
"NICENESS" vs. ILLNESS: THE CLINICAL CORRELATION
+-----------------------+----------------------------------+
| Condition | Observed Behavioral Pattern |
+-----------------------+----------------------------------+
| Multiple Sclerosis | Chronic inability to say "no" or |
| | enforce personal boundaries. |
+-----------------------+----------------------------------+
| ALS (Motor Neuron) | Extreme "niceness," profound |
| | suppression of healthy anger. |
+-----------------------+----------------------------------+
```
This pattern of extreme niceness is even more pronounced in patients diagnosed with Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS / Motor Neuron Disease). Dr. Maté cites a paper from the Cleveland Clinic where electrodiagnostic technicians could reliably predict an ALS diagnosis prior to formal testing simply based on how hyper-nice and self-effacing the patient was. Neurologists consistently recognize this trait across ALS populations, yet standard medicine fails to connect this habitual suppression of healthy anger to the onset and progression of the disease itself. Responding to Dr. Maté's observations, Steven reflects on the nicest person he knows in his own life, realizing for the first time that she is chronically ill due to constantly prioritizing everyone else's needs above her own.
- Toddlers naturally begin saying "no" around 18 months as a vital developmental boundary defense to establish individuality.
- Suppressing the word "no" in childhood forces the adult body to manifest boundaries physically through autoimmune conditions or severe illness.
- Stephen Hawking was diagnosed with ALS at age 21 and given 2 years to live, yet survived for another 55 years, proving medical prognosis is not absolute.
- Neurologists at the Cleveland Clinic noted that electrodiagnostic technicians were remarkably accurate in identifying ALS patients based solely on their extreme niceness.
- Chronic stress from taking on other people's emotional burdens while ignoring one's own creates a severe, continuous physiological toll.
<FollowUp label="Want to explore Dr. Maté's practical steps for unlearning people-pleasing habits?" query="What specific techniques or practices does Dr. Gabor Maté recommend for breaking people-pleasing patterns and reconnecting with one's authentic anger?"/>
[53:02](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=3182s) Authenticity vs. Attachment: Unlearning "Second Nature"
Dr. Gabor Maté emphasizes that while people may change their habits after facing a severe illness, people-pleasing is never a child's natural state. No newborn lies in a crib calculating whether crying for food or comfort might overburden their tired parents; babies express their needs loudly and articulately because authenticity is human first nature. Over-adapting and suppressing internal needs to please others is a learned "second nature." Maté outlines a specific self-inquiry exercise from his book *The Myth of Normal* to help unlearn this pattern:
1. **Where in my life am I not saying no when a "no" wants to be said?**
2. **What is the underlying belief behind not saying no?** (e.g., "I won't be liked if I say no.")
3. **Where did I learn this belief?** (e.g., as a child needing to suppress needs to stay safe/liked by parents.)
4. **Who would I be without that belief?**
When Steven Bartlett considers how a chronic people-pleaser might fear losing all their friends by setting boundaries, Maté replies that boundary-setting simply reveals who true friends are: real friends celebrate your self-expression, whereas those using you will walk away.
> "This contest between attachment and authenticity can be a painful one, but you can decide which kind of pain you want.... Which pain would you rather have? The pain of being authentic and losing some friendships that were no friendships at all, or the pain of losing yourself and all its implications and all its impacts on the body?"
- **The Top Five Regrets of the Dying:** Maté references Australian hospice nurse Bronnie Ware's book *The Top Five Regrets of the Dying*. The number one regret reported by terminally ill patients was "I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me," and the third regret was not expressing their true feelings out of fear of upsetting others.
- **Societal and Historical Trauma:** Maté recalls walking through Westminster Abbey the day before, observing grand monuments to colonial figures who oppressed and robbed native populations worldwide. He argues that strong societal pushback against trauma concepts exists because acknowledging collective trauma forces ruling elites to recognize that their wealth was built on historical exploitation—a truth Prince Harry pointed out regarding the British Royal Family.
---
[01:00:46](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=3646s) Systemic Solutions & Accessible Paths to Healing
Addressing Steven’s question about how everyday people can heal when expensive therapy is financially out of reach, Maté critiques modern healthcare systems for failing to recognize the mind-body connection. Psychiatrists and medical doctors receive minimal training on how emotional stress manifests as physical illness. Systemic prevention requires supporting young families economically and emotionally, as parental stress elevates children's stress hormones and acts as a direct harbinger of future chronic disease. Furthermore, schools and the justice system must shift from punishing trauma-based responses to providing emotional safety—pointing out that in Canada, Indigenous women represent 50% of the prison population despite making up only 6% of the general population.
For individuals seeking accessible self-healing without a therapist, Maté recommends self-help groups, free online lectures, and essential literature:
* ***No Bad Parts* by Dick Schwartz** (Internal Family Systems)
* ***The Body Keeps the Score* by Bessel van der Kolk**
* ***Waking the Tiger* by Peter Levine**
* ***What Happened to You?* by Oprah Winfrey and Bruce Perry**
* ***The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog* by Bruce Perry**
Addressing concerns that popularizing trauma leads people to "over-label" normal behaviors or feel inherently broken, Maté clarifies that the word *recovery* literally means "finding what was lost." Understanding trauma is not about adopting a victim mindset or using childhood wounds as an excuse to treat others poorly; rather, it empowers adults to realize they are no longer helpless children and can drop outdated defensive programming.
---
[01:07:17](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=4037s) Healthy Anger vs. Childhood "Red Mist" Rage
Maté distinguishes between healthy anger and reactive rage. Healthy anger operates entirely in the present moment as a boundary defense mechanism—much like a mother bear fiercely protecting her cubs—and dissipates immediately once the boundary is secured. It is not outrage or abusive behavior directed at service workers.
Steven shares a personal story illustrating the opposite extreme: a close friend who frequently experienced what they called a "red mist" rage whenever he felt proven wrong. Steven recalls staying with him during the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic in their apartment. When Steven cited an official NHS website to prove that older adults were at higher risk from the virus, his friend was instantly triggered into an explosive, uncontrollable rage. Maté notes that Harry (Prince Harry) also used the term "red mist" to describe his anger, explaining that when an emotional response is wildly disproportionate to the present trigger, it is a sign of an unhealed childhood wound being re-enacted.
Here is a detailed, faithful walkthrough of this section of the transcript:
[01:09:37](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=4177s) Unhealthy Anger, "Fits," and the Science of Being Triggered
Dr. Gabor Maté explains the physiological mechanism behind unhealthy anger, pointing out how rage escalates and builds upon itself. He notes that the term "fit of anger" or "fit of rage" shares its language with an "epileptic fit." In an epileptic fit, electrical miswiring in one part of the brain recruits adjacent brain circuits until the entire body shakes, potentially causing the person to lose consciousness or lose bowel control. A fit of rage works identically: rather than performing a healthy, protective function and then dissipating, intense rage recruits more and more brain circuits, escalating out of control.
Connecting this to the concept of being "triggered," Dr. Maté uses the metaphor of a firearm. The physical trigger on a gun is small; for it to cause an explosion, there must already be gunpowder and ammunition stored inside. When a person explodes in rage over a simple disagreement, it is because they are carrying massive amounts of internal "explosive material"—often rooted in childhood experiences of feeling invalidated, ignored, or misunderstood.
Addressing Steven Bartlett's friend who experiences intense rage when challenged, Dr. Maté explains that disagreement acts as a trigger that releases childhood pain and invalidation. Furthermore, this intense rage takes a heavy toll on physical health. Research shows that in the two hours following a rage episode, a person's risk of suffering a heart attack or stroke doubles due to spiked blood pressure, narrowed blood vessels, and increased blood clotting factors. Thus, while suppressing anger leads to chronic autoimmune conditions, explosive rage damages the cardiovascular system.
* In the two hours following an episode of intense rage, the risk of a heart attack or stroke doubles.
* Physical changes during rage include elevated blood pressure, vasoconstriction (narrowing of blood vessels), and an increase in blood clotting factors.
[01:11:41](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=4301s) Childhood Labels, Prince Harry, and Misunderstandings around ADD
Steven shares the backstory of his friend, who eventually saw a child psychologist and discovered the root of his anger. As a child, the friend was a foot shorter than his peers, dyslexic, and struggled academically. Teachers wrote on his report cards that he was "stupid," and he later discovered old text messages between his mother and grandmother diminishing his future prospects. This instilled a deep-seated belief that he lacked intelligence, which exploded as rage whenever his intellect was challenged in adulthood.
Dr. Maté connects this to Prince Harry, noting that Harry faced similar character assassination growing up—being labeled "stupid," "thicko," and "naughty"—when he was simply struggling to concentrate under extreme emotional stress. Dr. Maté recalls diagnosing Harry with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) based on descriptions in Harry's own book, emphasizing that ADD is not a biological disease, but a normal brain response to abnormal childhood stress. Dr. Maté lightheartedly remarks that a group of British psychiatrists "got their knickers tied in a knot" over his public diagnosis, missing his core point: Harry was never stupid, but had been subjected to childhood character assassination that left behind residual rage.
[01:13:58](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=4438s) Dr. Maté’s Personal Trigger: The Trauma of Not Being Seen
Dr. Maté highlights how different childhood wounds create distinct adult triggers. While being called "stupid" does not trigger Dr. Maté—because he grew up with an innate confidence in his own intelligence—being "not seen" or having his identity distorted triggers deep anxiety. He traces this directly to his infancy as a Jewish child born in Budapest two months before the Nazi occupation.
Because the Nazis viewed Hungarian Jews not as human beings but as "vermin," Dr. Maté's very existence was under threat. His mother lived in constant terror for a year before handing him over to a stranger for five weeks to save his life, while his father was away in a forced labor camp. Consequently, "not being seen" was directly linked to a life-threatening existential danger in his infant brain.
Dr. Maté reflects that the ultimate remedy for this trigger is self-awareness and self-validation. If he fully sees and values himself, it no longer matters whether others misinterpret or fail to see him. Learning to see oneself is difficult for those whose childhood needs went unmet, as children naturally view themselves through their parents' eyes. To cultivate this, Dr. Maté practices a form of mindfulness meditation focused on observing internal states without judgment. He shares a personal example from two days prior, when he felt intense anxiety that he hadn't given his best public lecture; upon reflection, he recognized that he had prepared well, spoken his truth, and needed to see his own effort rather than judge himself harshly.
* Dr. Maté was born in Budapest, Hungary, two months before the Nazi occupation in 1944.
* He was separated from his mother for 5 weeks as an infant to save his life, while his father was in a forced labor camp.
[01:17:07](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=4627s) Social Media Attachment and Overcoming Constant Background Stress
Addressing Steven's question about eliminating obstacles to self-awareness, Dr. Maté clarifies that while we cannot remove social media entirely, we must sever our emotional attachment to it. He notes that while he has a professional Facebook page run by others, he avoids reading YouTube comments or chasing online approval. The goal is to use digital tools without letting them control or consume us.
Steven expresses concern that modern society forces people into a state of chronic, background stress. He references a conversation with author James Nestor regarding breathing, noting how often he catches himself taking shallow breaths—whether looking at his phone, lying in bed at 1:00 a.m., or during podcast recordings. Dr. Maté agrees that learning to breathe consciously is one of the most vital practices for restoring calm. He cites spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle, who emphasizes taking conscious breaths daily, as well as ancient Buddhist teachings where the Buddha described "observing the breath" as the core portal into reality.
When Steven asks whether society's hyper-stimulated environment is sustainable, Dr. Maté responds that while constant stress has become normalized, its consequences are severe. On an individual level, it drives the rise of autoimmune diseases and mental illness; on a societal level, it produces heightened hostility, polarization, and cultural division.
* Author James Nestor's work highlights how stress manifests as shallow, dysfunctional breathing.
* Historical Buddhist texts note that the Buddha’s assistant, Ananda, asked him if he still meditated, to which the Buddha replied that he practiced observing the breath.
[01:23:06](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=4986s) Romantic Relationships, Trauma, and the Capacity to Be Alone
The discussion pivots to romantic relationships and the impact of personal trauma on intimacy. Steven notes how modern dating has shifted online—with roughly 50% of couples now meeting via dating apps—and observes that many people are giving up on dating altogether. Steven shares that he only found true love after doing inner work to resolve the internal barriers blocking his capacity for connection.
Dr. Maté affirms Steven's insight, stating that individuals cannot form healthy, mature relationships until they develop the capacity to be comfortable being alone. He distinguishes between "being alone" (which fosters self-truth and personal growth) and "loneliness." Many people enter relationships expecting a partner to fix their internal pain or fill their inner emptiness.
Dr. Maté candidly reflects on his own marriage, admitting that during moments of disappointment, he experienced intense feelings of hatred toward his wife because he was looking to her to complete him from the outside—something no partner can ever achieve. A healthy partnership is only possible when an individual stops being dependent on external validation to fill an internal void.
Here is a detailed, faithful walkthrough covering Part 6 of the interview transcript between Steven Bartlett and Dr. Gabor Maté.
---
[01:25:14](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=5114s) Relationships as the Ultimate Ground for Mutual Growth
Dr. Gabor Maté presents a romantic relationship as a primary arena for personal transformation. While no one enters a relationship perfectly unburdened by past trauma or emotional triggers, a couple can thrive if both partners remain unconditionally committed to the truth rather than defending who is "right" or "wrong." For Dr. Maté personally, his marriage has served as the most crucial educational ground of his life—surpassing formal therapy or extensive reading—in teaching him how to become truly authentic.
Problems inevitably arise when one partner begins to do emotional work and grow while the other remains stuck. Emotional connections follow a principle similar to "water finding its own level," where people originally pair up at equivalent levels of trauma resolution. If one person grows, the relationship reaches a breaking point: either the growing partner regresses to their former self (which is nearly impossible once awareness takes hold), the stagnant partner steps up to evolve, or the couple splits.
* Relationships fail when partners prioritize victory, ego, or being right over commitment to truth.
* Couples originally bond at matching levels of trauma resolution and emotional maturity.
* Disparate rates of personal growth force one of three outcomes: regression, mutual evolution, or separation.
---
[01:27:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=5220s) The Parent-Child Dynamic and the Strain of Motherhood
Addressing common strains between men and women, Dr. Maté outlines a frequent dynamic that unfolds after childbirth. When children arrive, a mother's caring energy naturally shifts toward the infants. However, fathers who have unresolved emotional needs often feel displaced, reacting like children whose attention has been stolen. This forces mothers into an impossible dilemma: whether to care for a dependent newborn or tend to a "35-year-old baby."
When a woman shifts her nurturing energy away from a needy husband to focus on her child, relationships often fracture because men struggle to tolerate the loss of maternal care. Dr. Maté emphasizes that when one partner carries the emotional burden of acting as a parent to the other, it creates an unhealthy dynamic that smothers adult intimacy.
> "Do I look after the 3-day-old baby or the 3-month-old baby, or do I look after the 35-year-old baby? And to the extent that the mother chooses to look after the 35-year-old baby, she's depriving the 3-month-old."
---
[01:28:10](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=5290s) Emotional Intimacy, Safety, and the Roots of Sexual Dysfunction
When asked about the underlying causes of sexless relationships, Dr. Maté critiques how society rushes physical intimacy before establishing genuine emotional connection. True intimacy refers to the "innermost" self. When people rush into bed without authentic emotional alignment, sex becomes detached from core emotional needs and turns into a mechanical act. Furthermore, the parent-child dynamic in a marriage acts as a primary cause of lost sexual desire. Steven Bartlett notes that relationship psychologist Esther Perel (mistranscribed in STT as "Mercia Pye") specifically warns partners to never call each other "mommy" or "daddy" for this exact reason.
Dr. Maté highlights how modern culture glorifies distorted sexuality, pointing to historical sex symbols like Marilyn Monroe—a deeply traumatized, abused child who continued to be exploited as an adult. For genuine sexual expression to flourish, especially for women, emotional safety is paramount. The term "frigid" simply describes a protective freeze response triggered by fear or past trauma; when emotional intimacy establishes safety, that emotional frost unfreezes naturally.
* **Intimacy Definition:** Derived from the word for "innermost"—requiring emotional exposure before physical closeness.
* **The Freeze Response:** Sexual shutdown in relationships is an involuntary fear reaction, not a fixed personality trait.
* **Rae Maté's Quote:** Dr. Maté shares his wife Rae's perspective on connection: *"Truth is sexy."*
---
[01:31:35](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=5495s) The Global Epidemic of Distress and the Toxic Culture
Reflecting on recent societal trends, Dr. Maté observes a steep increase in psychological distress and confusion across all demographics, particularly among young people. Modern culture treats these systemic issues as random bad luck, whereas Dr. Maté argues they stem directly from how society structures child-rearing and interpersonal relationships. The worldwide success of his book, *The Myth of Normal*, across regions as varied as North Macedonia, Thailand, Vietnam, and Europe, highlights that this crisis of distress is global.
Addressing his overall outlook, Dr. Maté cites intellectual Noam Chomsky's perspective: "Strategically, I'm an optimist and tactically, I'm a pessimist." In the short term, societal conditions and mental health metrics are growing darker and harder. However, long-term optimism rests on an unwavering belief in human nature and our collective capacity to heal, transform, and achieve grounded sanity.
* **Childhood Suicide:** Suicides among children in the United States continue to climb.
* **Adult Medication Use:** 70% of the U.S. adult population takes at least one prescription medication.
* **Antidepressant Use:** At least 25% of women in the United States are prescribed antidepressants or anti-anxiety medications, with similar upward trends in Great Britain.
---
[01:34:23](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=5663s) Aligning Stated Intentions with Actual Living
Shifting toward personal solutions, Dr. Maté prompts Steven Bartlett to explicitly define his life goals. Steven lists four main pillars: doing meaningful and challenging work that serves others, maintaining physical health to sustain that work, cultivating raw and honest relationships, and raising a loving family free from generational trauma. Dr. Maté notes that living with purpose and meaning directly enhances physiological health.
However, Dr. Maté challenges Steven to examine the difference between stated goals and actual behavior. Real intentions are revealed by how a person allocates their time and lives day-to-day, not by what they say. Reflecting on his own past as a workaholic physician, Dr. Maté recalls telling himself that his primary goal was his children's happiness. In reality, his schedule proved that his true, subconscious driver was a need for self-importance and validation through serving patients at the expense of being present at home.
* True intentions are demonstrated through daily time allocation and behavior rather than spoken desires.
* Noble external goals can often hide subconscious drives for self-importance and validation.
---
[01:38:11](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=5891s) The Search for Inner Peace vs. External Validation
Dr. Maté identifies the ultimate goal missing from Steven's list: **inner peace**. Without inner peace, pursuing external achievements—even noble ones aimed at helping others—risks exhausting a person's health and well-being. Drawing on Eckhart Tolle's distinction between external purpose (achievements, family, service) and internal purpose (inner presence and peace), Dr. Maté explains that workaholics often mistakenly attempt to earn inner peace through external trophies, best-selling books, or public accolades.
To illustrate this trap, Dr. Maté quotes renowned childhood trauma researcher Dr. Vincent Felitti. External validation provides a fleeting sense of relief, but because it doesn't solve internal wounds, it leads to an addictive cycle of overworking. True peace cannot be manufactured from external success; it must be cultivated internally. Assessing his own progress, Dr. Maté acknowledges he is far from perfect, but feels significantly more comfortable in his life and future than ever before.
> "It's hard to get enough of something that almost works." — Dr. Vincent Felitti
* Workaholics frequently attempt to achieve internal peace through external validation, leading to addictive cycles.
* Inner peace provides the stable foundation necessary to speak compassionately and serve others safely.
[01:41:33](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=6093s) Suffering, Crisis, and Growing Older
Life naturally presents challenges without anyone needing to impose hardship on children or others for the sake of teaching lessons. When suffering inevitably arrives, individuals face a choice between two paths: attempting to numb the pain and escape it, or engaging with it as a teacher. This dual nature of hardship is mirrored in the composition of the Chinese word for crisis, which famously brings together two character letters representing danger and opportunity.
True maturity involves "growing older" rather than simply accumulating years. This process of intentional growth requires individuals to stay expansive and continuously move closer to their authentic selves instead of shrinking as time passes. Dr. Gabor Maté notes that this pursuit of authenticity is a lifelong journey marked by both successes and setbacks, but it remains a path worth recommending to everyone.
[01:42:50](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=6170s) The Necessity of Vulnerability for True Growth
The concept of vulnerability is deeply intertwined with personal growth. Traced back to its Latin origin, the word stems from *vulnerare*, which translates directly to "to wound." As living creatures, human beings remain inherently vulnerable to physical and emotional injury from conception until death. When children grow up feeling fundamentally safe, seen, and understood, they develop the internal confidence necessary to accept this natural state of vulnerability. However, when trauma or emotional isolation occurs, the weight of vulnerability becomes too painful to tolerate, prompting individuals to shut down their feelings as a defense mechanism.
True emotional development cannot occur without vulnerability. This dynamic is visible across nature: a tree does not grow from its hard, thick sections, but rather through its soft, tender, and fragile shoots that risk being consumed by animals or insects. Similarly, a crustacean like a crab cannot expand within a rigid environment; it must entirely molt its hard shell and expose its soft, defenseless body to grow.
Modern culture frequently pressures people to deny vulnerability, hide it, or seek distractions from it. The consequence of avoiding this discomfort is lingering psychological immaturity and a loss of self. Conversely, stepping into openness serves as a powerful tool for human connection. In the context of hosting a podcast, a host's willingness to display personal openness establishes a safe environment that invites guests to open up in return. While everyday conversations can easily center on superficial topics like a football match—such as Newcastle defeating Manchester City one to nothing—sharing genuine personal struggles consistently fosters far more meaningful bonds.
[01:45:54](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=6354s) The Final Messages and Gratitude
Following the podcast's closing tradition, the host presents a hypothetical scenario left by a previous guest: on their final day on Earth, the individual is permitted to make two phone calls—one to the person they love most and another to the entire world. Dr. Maté initially reflects on the classic John Lennon lyric, "All you need is love," as a message for the world. Regarding the individual he loves most, he notes that words would be unnecessary because "she knows."
Upon further reflection, Dr. Maté states that his ultimate message for both his loved one and the world at large would simply be "thank you." This gratitude extends completely to the full spectrum of existence, encompassing every struggle, travail, trouble, and tribulation experienced across childhood, adulthood, parenting, and career. Ultimately, he chooses to bypass giving explicit advice in favor of expressing profound appreciation for everything life provides.
[01:47:37](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=6457s) A Legacy of Wholeness and Generational Healing
When asked how he wishes to be remembered, Dr. Maté shares that he hopes to be known as someone who did his best to make a difference—a goal he feels he has successfully achieved, regardless of universal agreement. He regularly receives messages from individuals worldwide explaining how his books have transformed their relationship with themselves. His favorite feedback came from a young man who read *The Myth of Normal* and remarked, "Thank you. I read that book and I remembered myself."
His work aims to help open-minded individuals see themselves clearly. Rather than viewing themselves as permanently broken or irretrievably damaged, people can connect with their inherent capacity for health, a word that etymologically shares its roots with "wholeness." This perspective frames individuals as fundamentally whole beings who simply have personal challenges to work through. This process frequently mirrors the natural state of children, who often serve as a parent's greatest teacher if the adult is willing to learn.
The host highlights that Dr. Maté's influence extends far beyond individual readers to shape the next generation of therapists and teachers. For instance, the host's own partner builds her women's retreats in the south of France directly upon his written work and online teachings. This spread of ideas acts as a domino effect, countering historical trauma with proactive generational healing. Dr. Maté expresses immense enthusiasm regarding the number of young people, some a quarter of his age, who approach him in cities like London to express appreciation, affirming that his persistent stance for truth continues to create a tangible difference across generations.
[01:51:33](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=6693s) Sponsor: Advanced Health Insights with Whoop
The host introduces the podcast sponsor, Whoop, highlighting it as an example of utilizing artificial intelligence to create positive lifestyle changes. The wearable device remains constantly on the host's wrist to track health metrics. Its specific feature, the Whoop Coach, applies advanced AI to synthesize a user's fitness and biometric data, generating highly customized recommendations.
* Users can pose open-ended questions directly to the AI platform, such as asking "Why am I so tired?" or requesting assistance to build a tailored strength training program.
* The system analyzes individual data trends to deliver personalized responses rather than generic fitness advice.
* Listeners can access a free one-month membership by visiting the dedicated promotional link at [join.whoop.com/ceo](https://join.whoop.com/ceo).
## Notable quotes
> [53:02](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=3182s) This contest between attachment and authenticity can be a painful one, but you can decide which kind of pain you want.... Which pain would you rather have? The pain of being authentic and losing some friendships that were no friendships at all, or the pain of losing yourself and all its implications and all its impacts on the body? — Dr. Gabor Maté
> [01:27:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=5220s) Do I look after the 3-day-old baby or the 3-month-old baby, or do I look after the 35-year-old baby? And to the extent that the mother chooses to look after the 35-year-old baby, she's depriving the 3-month-old. — Dr. Gabor Maté
> [01:28:48](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=5328s) Truth is sexy. — Rae Maté
> [01:38:11](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=5891s) It's hard to get enough of something that almost works. — Dr. Vincent Felitti
> [01:47:37](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0&t=6457s) Thank you. I read that book and I remembered myself. — Anonymous Reader
## Mentioned
Ananda, Bessel van der Kolk, Bronnie Ware, Bruce Perry, Buddha, Canada, Dick Schwartz, Dr. Gabor Maté, Dr. Vincent Felitti, Eckhart Tolle, Esther Perel, James Nestor, John Lennon, Marilyn Monroe, No Bad Parts, Noam Chomsky, Oprah Winfrey, Peter Levine, Prince Harry, Rae Maté, Steven Bartlett, The Body Keeps the Score, The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, The Myth of Normal, The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, Waking the Tiger, Westminster Abbey, What Happened to You?, Whoop, Whoop Coach
Dr. Gabor Maté contends that chronic people-pleasing, emotional suppression, and the sacrifice of personal authenticity to maintain interpersonal bonds directly disrupt immune regulation, translating unexpressed psychological distress into physical illness and autoimmune disease.
Psychoneuroimmunology and the Cost of Repression (35:58)
According to Maté, the emotional and immune systems operate as an integrated physiological network designed to admit healthy elements and reject toxins. When an individual chronically represses anger or self-assertion, the immune system loses its capacity to distinguish self from non-self, leaving the body vulnerable to autoimmune conditions and impaired cellular surveillance against malignancy. Maté notes that women account for roughly 80% of all autoimmune cases—including rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, and fibromyalgia—which he attributes to cultural conditioning that pressures women to absorb familial stress and prioritize caretaking over self-care.
To demonstrate this mind-body link, Maté cites 1960s thoracic surgeon Dr. David Kissen, who observed that emotional repression was a key variable determining which heavy smokers developed lung cancer. Similarly, Maté highlights clinical observations from the Cleveland Clinic, where technicians could frequently anticipate Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS) diagnoses based on a patient's extreme, self-effacing niceness and lifelong boundary suppression.
Attachment versus Authenticity in Childhood Trauma (38:55)
Maté identifies two non-negotiable childhood mammalian needs: attachment (closeness and parental acceptance) and authenticity (connection to visceral gut signals and boundaries). When parents or social structures penalize spontaneous emotional expression, children instinctively sacrifice authenticity to protect the vital attachment bond. This adaptive survival mechanism becomes a learned "second nature," leading adults to compulsively people-please and fear disappointing others.
Trauma, which Maté defines by its literal root as a "wound," does not require horrific events; it frequently results from the subtle absence of physical attunement and emotional validation. Citing animal behavior and infant research—such as rat grooming dictating brain development and premature human infants thriving when stroked for 10 minutes daily—Maté underscores that mammalian biology depends on physical touch and emotional safety to develop properly.
Protective Boundaries versus Cardiovascular Rage (69:37)
Maté distinguishes healthy anger from destructive, reactive rage. Healthy anger acts strictly in the present moment as a boundary defense mechanism—analogous to a mother bear protecting her cubs—and resolves as soon as safety is established. Suppressing this boundary-protecting response leads to internal physical breakdown, including the suppression of natural killer cells.
Conversely, explosive rage operates like an epileptic seizure, recruiting adjacent brain circuits out of proportion to current circumstances. Maté explains that disproportionate adult rage occurs when minor triggers detonate internal "gunpowder" left by unresolved childhood invalidation. While emotional suppression fosters autoimmune illness, intense rage exacts an immediate cardiovascular toll: research shows that heart attack and stroke risks double in the two hours following an episode of intense anger due to vasoconstriction, elevated blood pressure, and increased blood clotting factors.
Relational Strains, Validation Addiction, and Vulnerability (85:14)
In adult romantic relationships, unexamined childhood wounds often surface as partners project unmet needs onto one another. Maté observes that men frequently demand maternal caretaking from female partners, creating a mother-son dynamic that suffocates adult intimacy and sexual desire. Furthermore, relying on external achievements—such as bestselling books or status—to heal inner wounds generates an addictive cycle, as external validation provides only temporary relief for internal deficits.
True development requires embracing vulnerability, derived from the Latin *vulnerare* ("to wound"). Maté compares psychological maturation to a tree growing through its softest shoots or a crab molting its rigid shell: individuals cannot expand without tolerating defenselessness. Practicing mindful self-awareness, vocalizing distress to reactivate the midfrontal cortex, and cultivating internal peace allow adults to sever emotional dependencies on external approval.
Maté highlights a critical limitation in modern healthcare, where medical training rarely integrates psychoneuroimmunology, leaving individuals to self-navigate chronic illnesses driven by hidden emotional stress. While acknowledging that societal factors—such as economic pressure, generational trauma, and 70% of adults using prescription drugs—worsen distress in the short term, Maté argues that long-term recovery depends on unlearning people-pleasing and prioritizing internal authenticity over the physiological toll of unvoiced self-denial.
[53:02] Dr. Gabor Maté: This contest between attachment and authenticity can be a painful one, but you can decide which kind of pain you want.... Which pain would you rather have? The pain of being authentic and losing some friendships that were no friendships at all, or the pain of losing yourself and all its implications and all its impacts on the body?
[87:00] Dr. Gabor Maté: Do I look after the 3-day-old baby or the 3-month-old baby, or do I look after the 35-year-old baby? And to the extent that the mother chooses to look after the 35-year-old baby, she's depriving the 3-month-old.
[88:48] Rae Maté: Truth is sexy.
[98:11] Dr. Vincent Felitti: It's hard to get enough of something that almost works.
[107:37] Anonymous Reader: Thank you. I read that book and I remembered myself.
Original transcript
[0:00] 70% of the adult population is at least
[0:02] on one medication. Quarter of women are
[0:04] on antidepressants. The rate of
[0:06] childhood is going up. Worldwide,
[0:09] there's this epidemic of distress. What
[0:11] can we do about that? So, the first step
[0:13] would be to Dr. Gabor Maté
[0:16] Legendary thinker Celebrated speaker and
[0:18] best-selling author
[0:19] Highly sought after for his expertise on
[0:21] addiction, trauma, childhood
[0:23] development, and stress. People
[0:25] pleasers, these are the people that tend
[0:26] to develop diseases. When people don't
[0:28] know how to say no, the body will say no
[0:30] for them. That niceness is a repression
[0:32] of healthy anger, and that repression of
[0:34] healthy anger has huge implications to
[0:37] your health. And when you repress your
[0:38] immune system, you're more likely to
[0:40] have that immune system turn against
[0:41] you. People who emotionally repress are
[0:43] more likely to get cancer. And emotional
[0:45] repression is one of the impacts of
[0:47] childhood trauma. We interrupt this film
[0:49] to tell you we are getting reports that
[0:51] The people's princess is dead. Harry was
[0:53] a traumatized child. How he's told about
[0:56] his mother's death is that it was an
[0:58] accident, "Your mother didn't make it."
[1:00] His father touches Harry on the knee and
[1:02] says, "But it'll be okay." and leaves
[1:04] the room. This 12-year-old, nobody held
[1:06] him. And children can be traumatized not
[1:09] just by terrible things happening to
[1:10] them, but just by not having their needs
[1:13] met, by not being seen, not being heard,
[1:15] not being held. Those are wounding for a
[1:17] child. But my interview with Prince
[1:19] Harry, I had a gut feeling all along
[1:21] that I shouldn't agree to do the
[1:22] interview. It really got to me. I lost
[1:25] myself. What happened?
[1:36] Gabor
[1:38] There's a question we often ask each
[1:39] other
[1:40] in flippant conversations, which we
[1:42] usually kind of brush away because it's
[1:44] the convenient thing to do. Yeah. That
[1:46] question is the question I wanted to
[1:48] start by asking you, which is
[1:50] how are you?
[1:51] Yeah.
[1:52] Um
[1:57] So, that question is for me brings up,
[1:59] you know, two dimensions. One is how am
[2:01] I at this present moment, which is, you
[2:02] know, how am I at this moment, you know,
[2:04] which is all there is.
[2:05] I'm well. I'm I I feel rather peaceful
[2:09] inside.
[2:10] Um
[2:11] I'm very happy to be here with you.
[2:14] If you'd asked me 2 days ago, I wouldn't
[2:16] have said that. I would have said I was
[2:18] feeling somewhat anxious and uh
[2:20] and kind of troubled, you know? So, um
[2:24] as a in the moment answer, I'm well, and
[2:27] I also know how to
[2:29] keep well as long as I
[2:32] stick with what I know. And when I
[2:34] forget what I know, then I can be very
[2:36] not well. And
[2:38] so, the last year since we've met has
[2:40] been in many ways a tough year for me.
[2:42] Um also one of deep learning. So,
[2:44] if the question is how have I been, I'd
[2:47] say I've been up and down, and I've had
[2:49] real challenges that I've had to learn
[2:51] from. How am I right now? I'm really
[2:54] well, thank you.
[2:56] 2 days ago, if I'd asked you that
[2:57] question, your answer would have been
[2:58] anxious and troubled. Yeah. Why?
[3:00] I gave a talk on Monday night to 2,100
[3:03] people. And uh I just didn't think I did
[3:06] my best here in London. And I thought,
[3:08] "Oh boy, I could have done better. I let
[3:10] people down." Um I I allowed myself
[3:13] judgments and self-doubts to really um
[3:15] dominate my my thinking. And um
[3:19] you know, as much as I think I'm
[3:22] uh immune to that kind of self-doubt,
[3:24] evidently I'm not. Um so, that's what
[3:27] happened.
[3:29] When you say um you let it cloud your
[3:31] thinking, what are the What were the
[3:32] symptoms of that? So, you you gave a
[3:34] talk 2 days ago to 2,100 people.
[3:36] Yeah.
[3:36] And you didn't feel you did your best.
[3:38] You went home that night. What was going
[3:40] on in your head? What are the symptoms
[3:41] of that
[3:42] feeling? Um constant um
[3:47] Mm.
[3:49] Cyclical
[3:51] self-criticism of I could have been more
[3:53] present, I could have been more
[3:55] grounded,
[3:57] more attuned with the audience, perhaps.
[4:00] But, you know, just all these
[4:01] self-criticisms,
[4:03] which then are accompanied by certain
[4:05] feelings in the body, like kind of a a
[4:08] roiling in my belly and so on. And uh
[4:11] that's what I went through.
[4:13] And what was the remedy for that?
[4:17] Cuz we can all relate. Yeah. Earlier
[4:19] this year,
[4:21] um
[4:22] also feeling in a state of
[4:23] discombobulation,
[4:25] uh just a few months ago, I did
[4:26] something radical. I did a 2-week total
[4:29] sabbatical from the internet. No cell
[4:31] phone, no emails, no no checking on
[4:35] Amazon how my book books are doing, you
[4:38] know, all this self-referential
[4:40] uh
[4:41] uh ego enhancement stuff. And it just
[4:44] really made a difference. Uh by the end
[4:45] of 2 weeks, I was a different person.
[4:47] And so, I'm keeping it up. And one of
[4:50] the things you learn is you start
[4:52] noticing
[4:54] these body states that you're in and the
[4:56] mental mm
[4:58] hoops that you jump through, but you
[5:00] don't identify with them. So,
[5:03] what's the worst case scenario? I didn't
[5:05] do the best possible job. Okay, what's
[5:08] the headline in the newspaper? Human
[5:10] being fails to do his best on a
[5:12] particular occasion. What's the big
[5:14] deal?
[5:16] You know? So,
[5:17] it's a matter of observing this all all
[5:20] this stuff and not identifying with it.
[5:22] Not letting it take you over
[5:25] as it tends to.
[5:27] I was reading something that said
[5:29] when we
[5:31] vocalize or share our stress, it moves
[5:33] it from the emotional center of our
[5:35] brain to the much more rational center
[5:37] of our brain, Yeah. where we can kind of
[5:39] step outside of the video game and hold
[5:41] the controller, per se. Exactly.
[5:43] Yeah, it's the um
[5:45] um midfrontal cortex of our brain um
[5:49] that has insight and um
[5:51] um social connection and uh uh
[5:55] awareness, you know,
[5:57] which so often goes offline as soon as
[6:00] some emotion takes over, some anxiety or
[6:03] anger or
[6:05] resentment takes over. Uh the midfrontal
[6:09] cortex tends to go offline. And uh the
[6:11] more trauma you experience as a child,
[6:14] the more likely that is to happen, so
[6:15] that your
[6:17] insightful
[6:19] capacities, the executive functions get
[6:21] taken over by some deeper emotional
[6:24] dynamics.
[6:25] And so, um
[6:27] one of the
[6:28] benefits to me of meditation is
[6:31] is it restores that
[6:33] uh executive function, so that I'm not
[6:36] taken over or
[6:38] too long taken over by emotional
[6:41] dynamics that
[6:43] just sweep me away.
[6:45] For 2 weeks this year, you said you went
[6:46] offline. Yeah. Why?
[6:49] Sometimes people say to me uh I I wrote
[6:52] this book that I know that you have on
[6:53] your desk, When the Body Says No. And
[6:55] and my contention is when people don't
[6:57] know how to say no, the body will say it
[6:59] in the form of illness. And uh
[7:02] I I can tell you hundreds of times
[7:04] people have said to me, "Your book has
[7:05] saved my life." And my response has
[7:07] always been, "Maybe I should read it
[7:09] myself." Because the fact is I'm quite
[7:11] capable of giving advice and dispensing
[7:13] wisdom that I don't follow myself.
[7:16] And that was the case. So, I became
[7:18] quite stressed, and my relationship with
[7:20] my wife, Rae, became very fraught.
[7:23] And she said,
[7:24] "Enough.
[7:26] Enough of this gap between who you are
[7:28] there in public and how you are in
[7:30] private."
[7:31] So, that was the big incentive for me,
[7:33] cuz uh
[7:35] uh
[7:35] we're coming up to our 54th anniversary,
[7:38] and on the whole, I'd rather stay
[7:39] married than not.
[7:41] Everything else being considered.
[7:43] But also for myself, I don't really like
[7:44] I don't want to be that guy anymore who
[7:47] who can speak
[7:49] the truth
[7:50] that a lot of people consider to be a
[7:52] truth
[7:53] so articulately,
[7:55] but not follow it myself. So, I just
[7:57] don't want to be that person. And that
[7:59] takes practice. And that's why I get
[8:01] That's why I take the to take a break
[8:03] from the internet.
[8:04] And what was interesting is
[8:08] I had my cell phone on airplane mode, so
[8:10] nobody could get through me.
[8:11] Couple days Couple times a day, I'd
[8:13] still pick up the cell phone.
[8:15] And I say, "What are you doing?"
[8:17] There's nothing on it, cuz you it's on
[8:18] the internet. But
[8:20] the compulsion
[8:22] to try and get some from the outside
[8:25] to fill some
[8:27] some gap within. I just kept noticing
[8:29] it. By the end of 2 weeks, it wasn't so
[8:32] strong anymore.
[8:34] Um
[8:35] so,
[8:36] I did it because I needed to for the
[8:38] sake of my own mental health.
[8:41] An up and down year for you, you said.
[8:43] Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
[8:46] Is that Is that the the down you were
[8:48] talking about?
[8:49] Well, I remember a conversation my
[8:52] conversation with you. And I and I think
[8:55] I remember you telling me that
[8:57] you had this goal of becoming a
[8:59] millionaire. When I was younger, yeah.
[9:00] When I was younger. And then it's when
[9:02] you achieve that goal
[9:04] that you realize that
[9:07] that ain't all there is. That you're
[9:09] still left very much with your internal
[9:12] demons.
[9:14] And that's a very common lesson. I mean,
[9:16] there's two ways to
[9:19] to wake up. One is failure, where you
[9:21] keep asking yourself, you know, but but
[9:23] but but success is even more because you
[9:26] think that once you get something,
[9:28] then you'll be happy, and you know? So,
[9:30] I thought, "Okay, well, jeez, I could,
[9:32] you know?" So, this book, The Myth of
[9:34] Normal, you know, best-seller
[9:35] internationally and published in 35
[9:37] languages, I should be happy. No. The
[9:40] more I got involved with it, the more I
[9:41] toured with it, the more engaged with
[9:44] the outside I became, the more miserable
[9:45] miserable I became inside.
[9:47] So, the very success of the book and it
[9:49] allowed to sweep sweep It swept me away,
[9:52] and I lost myself, you know? So, that
[9:54] was one thing. And I did this very long,
[9:56] exhausting tour. I wasn't taking care of
[9:58] myself. And then there was the
[10:01] uh my interview with Prince Harry and
[10:03] all the um
[10:05] uh fru-fra around it before it and after
[10:07] it. And I allowed that allowed that to
[10:10] take me over as well. Really? Yeah,
[10:12] yeah.
[10:13] Yeah. I mean,
[10:15] retrospect, I can see what happened, but
[10:18] at the time I was too caught up in it to
[10:19] notice.
[10:21] You know? So,
[10:22] what I'm saying is that it doesn't
[10:24] matter what I know, if I don't pay
[10:27] attention, rigorous attention, to what's
[10:29] going on inside, and if I keep looking
[10:32] to the outside to give me meaning and
[10:34] give me um validation,
[10:37] then
[10:39] I can lose myself.
[10:41] And that's what happened.
[10:43] Your interview with Prince Harry,
[10:48] how did that cause you to lose yourself?
[10:51] Well, in two ways. One is um
[10:54] I had a gut feeling all along that I
[10:56] shouldn't agree to doing it the way they
[10:57] set it up. Because of the way it was set
[11:00] up is in order to watch it, people have
[11:02] to buy a copy of Harry's book.
[11:04] And I thought this is not fair. 4
[11:06] million people have already bought the
[11:07] book. Why can't they watch this
[11:09] interview? Do they have to buy another
[11:10] copy? In other words, I believed that
[11:13] this should be a free public service
[11:15] on the part of two people who can have a
[11:17] very interesting conversation. But out
[11:20] of sheer opportunism, I agreed to it.
[11:22] So, I didn't follow my gut feeling. So,
[11:23] I lost myself even in agreeing to the
[11:26] format. And afterwards, Harry and I both
[11:29] wanted it released to the public for
[11:30] free, but the lawyers said you can't do
[11:32] that because this was advertised as a
[11:35] one-time-only event, and you could they
[11:37] could be a class action suit.
[11:39] So, um
[11:41] the result was that I agreed to
[11:42] something that I didn't really like.
[11:45] Not that I didn't like the idea of
[11:46] talking with him. I didn't like the idea
[11:48] of putting this behind a paywall. So, I
[11:50] lost myself just in agreeing to it.
[11:52] Number one.
[11:54] Number two, then there was the
[11:55] incredible social media and British
[11:57] media reaction to it that was for the
[12:00] most part
[12:02] so negative and so demeaning and so
[12:04] dismissive and so distorted that I
[12:07] barely even know how to talk about it. I
[12:09] thought by this age I would know better,
[12:12] but you know what? It really got to me.
[12:14] It really got to me. I mean, uh I can
[12:17] give you examples, but um
[12:19] eventually what happened was
[12:21] that I was really in a
[12:23] negative state of mind, and
[12:25] have you read the book The um The Fox,
[12:28] the Mole, the Horse, and the Boy, and
[12:30] the and the Horse? I bought it last
[12:31] week. It's upstairs in my bag.
[12:33] Wonderful. So, great It's a great little
[12:35] book great big book, although very few
[12:38] words in it, mostly just these wonderful
[12:40] drawings. Charlie Mackesy, um he's
[12:43] really channeling wisdom in that book,
[12:44] and the horse is the most grounded of
[12:48] the four characters of the four friends,
[12:50] and he's asked,
[12:51] "What's the most courageous thing you've
[12:52] ever said?" And the horse says,
[12:55] "Help."
[12:56] So, it's so difficult to ask for help,
[12:59] but I did. You know, in the middle of
[13:01] all this fru-fra and my upset, and I
[13:04] called a
[13:05] friend of mine, a psychiatrist,
[13:07] um
[13:09] and I said, "I'm just in a bad state."
[13:12] And he said, "What's going on for you?"
[13:13] And I said, "Well, there's all this bad
[13:14] press and all the
[13:16] social media distortion of who I am and
[13:18] my motives." He said, "What is it about
[13:20] that you bothers you so much?"
[13:22] And I said, "Not being seen."
[13:27] Not being seen is one of the needs of
[13:28] the child.
[13:29] But he said to me,
[13:31] "Okay, look, Gabor, when you were an
[13:33] infant, you not being seen for who you
[13:35] are as a human being almost cost you
[13:37] your life."
[13:38] Which it did.
[13:40] As soon as he said that, I said, "Yeah."
[13:43] This isn't about the present.
[13:45] This is an old, unresolved, not yet
[13:47] fully resolved wound. Age 79, I'm still
[13:51] upset at not being seen. I don't care if
[13:53] people agree with me um or they viewed
[13:56] my ideas, but I want them to see me and
[13:58] what I'm actually saying, not some
[14:00] distorted version created by their own
[14:02] minds. And And when he said that, "That
[14:06] not being seen really threatened your
[14:08] life." I said, "Yeah. That's what's
[14:10] going on." And then I could relax. I
[14:12] said, "This is So what what somebody
[14:14] else says? I don't live in the British
[14:15] press. I don't live in somebody else's
[14:17] mind. Here I am,
[14:20] you know? Let them think and say what
[14:22] they say. But
[14:24] it took somebody to wake me up to that.
[14:27] So, that's what happened.
[14:30] You said you could share examples of how
[14:31] it got to you.
[14:33] Of Yeah.
[14:35] Well, oh boy, um they called me a stern,
[14:39] overbearing
[14:41] merchant of pain.
[14:44] You know? Uh
[14:49] At some point in the interview, you
[14:52] know, when Harry was um And here's the
[14:53] thing was See, Harry really was a
[14:55] traumatized child. Um And you can when
[14:58] you read his book, you you can see why,
[15:01] you know, he
[15:03] And people couldn't understand how this
[15:05] is possible. How could somebody so
[15:06] privileged,
[15:07] at the very apex of society, in gilded
[15:10] palaces, be traumatized? Total
[15:12] misunderstanding of trauma.
[15:14] Um it's true.
[15:16] Uh people have it much tougher in many
[15:19] ways, but as an infant, as a sensitive
[15:22] infant, to be born into a
[15:25] a loveless marriage where the father's
[15:27] having an affair even before he's born,
[15:29] where the mother's a troubled, very
[15:31] sensitive, very creative, warm-hearted,
[15:33] but
[15:34] mm very unbalanced young woman. So,
[15:37] Harry describes in his book
[15:40] Spare, that he's 12 years old when his
[15:43] mother's killed.
[15:45] How he's told about his mother's death
[15:48] is that his father, then Prince Charles,
[15:50] comes into his room early in the morning
[15:53] and says,
[15:54] "Something terrible happened. There was
[15:56] an accident. Your mother didn't make
[15:57] it."
[15:59] Then there's a few moments of awkward
[16:00] silence, and finally
[16:02] Charles touches Harry on the knee and
[16:05] says, "But it'll be okay." And leaves
[16:07] the room.
[16:08] And this is how this 12-year-old was
[16:10] told.
[16:11] Nobody held him.
[16:13] Um Charles himself was only doing what
[16:16] happened to him
[16:18] when when Queen Elizabeth went on a
[16:21] international four- or five-month royal
[16:23] tour, leaving the five-year-old kid
[16:26] behind. When she returned to England,
[16:29] she greeted him by shaking his hand.
[16:32] And
[16:34] now
[16:35] what I said to Harry was that even
[16:38] animals
[16:40] hold and touch their kids.
[16:43] Their infants, mammals, that's what they
[16:44] do.
[16:45] Because mother rats, when the baby's
[16:48] born, they lick their babies.
[16:51] And the way the mother rat uh
[16:53] rat licks the baby, this has been shown
[16:55] in laboratory, influences the brain
[16:57] development of the child. And those
[16:59] babies that get the right kind of
[17:01] licking, it's called grooming, they have
[17:04] better brains as adults.
[17:07] Premature infants used to be put in
[17:09] incubators, and nobody used to touch
[17:10] them.
[17:11] Then it was found out that if I just by
[17:14] stroking their backs 10 minutes a day,
[17:16] that promotes healthy brain development.
[17:18] And the great British-American uh
[17:21] anthropologist Ashley Montagu wrote a
[17:23] book called Skin: The Human Significance
[17:25] of Touch.
[17:27] So, I was saying that touch is
[17:28] important. You not being held and not
[17:30] being touched was a deprivation.
[17:33] And I said, "Mammals,
[17:35] monkeys, you know what happens when a
[17:36] baby elephant is born? This is
[17:38] fascinating.
[17:40] The mother ele- I read this in the book
[17:42] called The Evolved Nest, for which I
[17:44] wrote the preface,
[17:45] by a wonderful psychologist called
[17:47] Darcia Narvaez. When a when an infant
[17:49] element elephant is born,
[17:52] and the mother goes into labor, all the
[17:54] other mother elephants stand around in a
[17:56] circle. When the infant plops on the
[17:57] ground, they all stroke them with their
[17:59] trunks.
[18:01] So, touch and being held is so important
[18:06] for mammals. And I was saying, "Animals
[18:09] do journalist, who I don't know what she
[18:12] was listening to, said, "I said the
[18:15] royal family treats their kids like
[18:16] animals."
[18:17] I said, "No. I wish they had."
[18:20] So, I mean, the distortion is just
[18:23] laughable if it wasn't if I hadn't taken
[18:26] it so personally,
[18:27] for the reasons I already explained. For
[18:29] you to take it
[18:32] so
[18:33] personally, which led you to call a
[18:35] psychiatrist, Yeah. a man like you with
[18:38] the knowledge you have that writes books
[18:39] about the mind and stress and the body
[18:41] and all these things,
[18:44] you must have been in a pretty dark
[18:46] place. I was in a dark place, and I
[18:48] wasn't But look,
[18:50] I'm a human being like the rest, and
[18:52] what Charlie Mackesy says in
[18:54] in that book is that the most courageous
[18:57] thing you can do is ask for help.
[18:59] Mm. It's true. You know, there's that I
[19:01] don't know if you remember the Beatles
[19:02] song Help, I need somebody, and and John
[19:04] Lennon sings, "When I was younger, so
[19:06] much younger than today, I didn't need
[19:08] anybody's help in any way."
[19:10] But now, those days are gone. I'm much
[19:13] less self-assured. He's actually saying
[19:16] that when he was younger, he believed he
[19:19] didn't need help.
[19:20] But the reason he believed he didn't
[19:22] need help, that he has to make it on his
[19:23] own, cuz he was so traumatized as a
[19:25] child.
[19:26] His uh father left him when he was born.
[19:30] Um his mother left.
[19:32] He was brought up by an aunt, and Lennon
[19:34] grows up feeling abandoned, that I can
[19:36] do this on my own. I don't need anybody.
[19:39] You know? And uh later on, he realizes,
[19:43] "I need help."
[19:44] But as actually, we're all born needing
[19:47] help. We're all born uh
[19:49] needing to be understood, to be attuned
[19:53] to be seen, to have our emotions
[19:56] received and validated. That's one of
[19:57] the essential needs of children.
[20:00] As I make the point in The Myth of
[20:01] Normal, and children can be traumatized
[20:04] not just by terrible things happening to
[20:06] them, but just by not having their needs
[20:08] met.
[20:09] By not being seen, not being heard, not
[20:11] being held, those are wounding for a
[20:13] child. Which is what the meaning of the
[20:15] word trauma means. So, you don't need
[20:17] terrible things to happen.
[20:19] It's so difficult for people to
[20:20] understand that.
[20:22] You know, they they they think for
[20:23] trauma, you need
[20:25] horrific events. Well, horrific events
[20:28] can be very traumatic. But you can wound
[20:30] people,
[20:32] sensitive people. The sensitive child or
[20:34] any child can be hurt
[20:36] just because the parents are too
[20:37] stressed and unavailable emotionally to
[20:39] really see them for who they are.
[20:42] I've struggled with that in my life,
[20:43] especially being um
[20:46] a CEO, I think. I've struggled to ask
[20:49] for help when I need it.
[20:50] Because you kind of see yourself as the
[20:53] helper.
[20:54] And also, I've struggled with the idea,
[20:58] maybe I don't know where I got this
[20:59] story from, that people like me, maybe
[21:02] because I'm a man,
[21:03] maybe because I'm um
[21:06] the head of businesses,
[21:09] we have to figure it out on our own.
[21:11] And the cost of repress repressing
[21:15] how I feel
[21:17] has become more and more evident over
[21:19] time. Yeah, how so? Just like I think I
[21:23] When I was younger, I never experienced
[21:25] anxiety before. And then as I had more
[21:28] difficult moments in business where I
[21:29] tried to solve the problem in my mind
[21:31] for the first time that like 25, 26, 27,
[21:34] 28, 29, 30 that I experienced like fully
[21:37] fledged what I'd call anxiety where I
[21:39] just couldn't get a
[21:42] thought out of my head and I felt it in
[21:44] my body. My breath was short, this
[21:46] constant state of like angst. Yeah. Um
[21:49] and
[21:51] and yeah, I just thought I could deal
[21:53] with it myself. I thought I could think
[21:54] my way through it. Yeah. Um was that the
[21:57] hardest the the hardest moment in terms
[21:59] of your own psychology in your adult
[22:01] life in recent times?
[22:03] Let me answer that question in a moment,
[22:04] but let me ask you a question that
[22:06] occurs to me, if I may. Yeah, please. Um
[22:08] it's like with beautiful women,
[22:11] they sometimes have a really hard time
[22:13] cuz they can never know
[22:17] that somebody
[22:18] want me for who I really am,
[22:20] or they're just attracted to my physical
[22:23] features.
[22:25] So, for somebody who at a young age
[22:27] becomes quite wealthy and successful,
[22:30] um
[22:31] how do you know when somebody's
[22:32] approaching you?
[22:34] Are they
[22:35] approaching you cuz they want something
[22:37] from you, or because they really care
[22:38] about you? I mean, that must be a
[22:39] problem for you, I imagine. 100%.
[22:42] 100%. You never really know or
[22:43] understand what your relationships are.
[22:45] Yeah.
[22:46] You know? Yeah. Huh. So, it it must be
[22:48] confusing sometimes. It is. And you I
[22:51] typically fall back onto the
[22:53] relationships I had before. Yeah. Yeah.
[22:55] Cuz I can trust those ones. Yeah. So, I
[22:56] have the same my
[22:58] best friends, people I spend my time
[22:59] with on my birthday, there's five, you
[23:01] know, five people there, are the five
[23:03] people that were there 10 years ago.
[23:05] Yeah. Unless, I think,
[23:07] we get reconnected to our gut feelings,
[23:10] then our gut feelings will tell us what
[23:12] is real and what isn't. But the problem
[23:14] for many of us is that we get
[23:16] disconnected from our gut feelings very
[23:17] early in life, like in a
[23:19] in this room of 2,100 at the Troxy on
[23:22] Monday night, um I think I asked this
[23:24] question, I always do it. Uh have you
[23:26] had the experience of having a strong
[23:28] gut feeling about something and not
[23:30] paying attention to it, ignoring it, and
[23:32] being sorry afterwards?
[23:34] Mhm. Almost everybody puts their hand
[23:35] up.
[23:36] That's a child sign of childhood
[23:38] wounding.
[23:40] Because we're born connected to our gut
[23:41] feelings. No baby is disconnected from
[23:44] their gut feelings. Something happens to
[23:46] make us disconnect. What is a gut
[23:48] feeling?
[23:50] In it from a physiological perspective,
[23:52] because gut feeling is used as a word to
[23:53] describe, you know, an intuition or, you
[23:56] know,
[23:57] Well, the real gut feeling is really
[23:58] happening in the gut.
[24:01] In the Western way of looking at it, we
[24:04] tend to look upon the intellect and and
[24:05] and the intellectual brain as the only
[24:07] brain that we have, but actually our
[24:10] brain is a far more complicated um
[24:13] structure.
[24:14] And our heart has a nervous system,
[24:17] which is connected to the brain up here.
[24:19] And there's a kind of knowing in the
[24:20] heart. Sometimes people say, "I knew it
[24:21] in my heart." And they did.
[24:24] If they're connected.
[24:26] Gut feelings are what all animals
[24:28] possess. It warns them of danger or when
[24:30] it's safe and when it isn't safe. Not in
[24:32] the brain. Um the gut is connected to
[24:35] the brain. The the gut sends more
[24:37] connections to the brain than the brain
[24:39] sends to the gut.
[24:41] And the gut has more of the
[24:44] neurotransmitter serotonin in it than
[24:46] the brain does.
[24:48] So that the gut feelings are here to
[24:50] tell us about what is safe and what
[24:52] isn't. And when the brain in the gut
[24:56] and the brain in the heart and the brain
[24:58] in up here in this in the head are
[25:01] connected, then we're grounded and
[25:03] present and very alert and very aware of
[25:05] what's going on. But when childhood
[25:07] trauma interferes with those
[25:09] connections, which it does, then we
[25:11] start to just work from up here, and we
[25:13] can think we can figure things just from
[25:15] up here.
[25:17] But actually, when you think about human
[25:19] beings, where did we evolve? We evolved
[25:21] for millions of years out in nature. How
[25:24] long does any creature in nature survive
[25:26] if they don't pay attention to their gut
[25:28] feelings?
[25:30] So, to go back to your question about
[25:32] me,
[25:33] I used to believe I really used to
[25:35] believe
[25:36] into my 40s that I everybody else could
[25:39] be stressed, but I couldn't be.
[25:42] And it's like you and your anxiety. Um
[25:46] I think the reason you
[25:48] I didn't feel the stress cuz I had
[25:50] coping mechanisms.
[25:52] Like working hard
[25:54] and um
[25:55] getting people's attention or using my
[25:58] smarts.
[26:00] And and
[26:02] uh having status and all this kind of
[26:04] stuff, you know?
[26:05] And then that broke down. I realized I I
[26:08] could be stressed like everybody else,
[26:09] but literally, I had to I I had this
[26:12] belief, and it's almost unbelievable to
[26:13] me now, that I used to believe that I
[26:16] couldn't everybody else could be
[26:17] stressed, but I couldn't be.
[26:19] That's what I thought.
[26:22] Yeah.
[26:24] Your wife, when you went through that
[26:26] Yeah. dark moment, if I was her, what
[26:28] would I have observed?
[26:32] Well, first of all, and I talk about
[26:35] this in The Myth of Normal, and really
[26:37] my wife came on stage at the Troxy on
[26:38] Monday night and talked about this. I
[26:40] asked her to.
[26:42] Women have 80% of autoimmune disease in
[26:44] this society.
[26:46] So that um
[26:48] diseases where the immune system attacks
[26:50] the body happens to women much more than
[26:53] to men.
[26:54] Things like rheumatoid arthritis,
[26:55] systemic lupus, chronic fatigue,
[26:58] fibromyalgia,
[26:59] um
[27:00] inflammatory diseases of the gut,
[27:03] um
[27:04] and and so on.
[27:06] Why?
[27:07] So,
[27:08] um
[27:10] those diseases tend to happen to people
[27:13] not just according to my own
[27:14] observation, although it's very much my
[27:17] own observation when I was working in
[27:19] family practice and palliative care
[27:22] before I did addiction medicine, I
[27:24] noticed that who got sick and who didn't
[27:26] wasn't accidental.
[27:27] Um as the subject of my book When the
[27:29] Body Says No, and then again in The Myth
[27:32] of Normal, people tended to be
[27:36] compulsively concerned with the
[27:37] emotional needs of others rather than
[27:38] their own,
[27:40] identified with duty, role, and
[27:42] responsibility, so they're
[27:44] they're working the world rather than
[27:47] their own um
[27:49] true selves.
[27:50] They tended to suppress healthy anger.
[27:53] So, they tended to be very very nice and
[27:54] peacemakers.
[27:56] And they tended to believe that they're
[27:58] responsible for other people feel, and
[28:00] that they must never they must
[28:01] disappoint anybody, two fatal beliefs.
[28:03] So, these are the people that according
[28:05] to my observation, but according to a
[28:07] whole lot of research as well that I
[28:09] didn't even know about, but I've since
[28:11] found them, elegant research, these are
[28:13] the people that tend to develop
[28:15] autoimmune disease. Now, in this
[28:17] society,
[28:18] which gender is more acculturated,
[28:21] programmed to suppress their healthy
[28:23] anger, to be the peacemakers, to be the
[28:25] caregivers? Women. This is a function of
[28:29] a reality that a lot of people deny, but
[28:31] it's a patriarchal society, but which we
[28:33] can talk about, but it's not a
[28:34] conspiracy, it's just how it works. So,
[28:37] me in my marriage, I expect my wife to
[28:39] absorb my stresses. And if I'm unhappy,
[28:43] guess who I blame? And who do I take it
[28:45] out on? So, she would experience
[28:47] somebody who's
[28:48] um can be hostile for no reason and
[28:51] blaming and
[28:53] she used to walk on eggshells.
[28:56] Now, um
[28:58] thank God, she's not the type to do that
[29:00] for too long, and at some point she'll
[29:02] call my bluff.
[29:03] And then I either wake up or she says,
[29:07] "Thank you very much, but enough of
[29:08] this." You know?
[29:10] And so, she would experience somebody
[29:11] who's irritable
[29:13] and
[29:14] unreasonably blaming
[29:16] and not taking care of their own needs,
[29:18] and then expecting her to take care of
[29:20] them for me.
[29:22] And um
[29:24] we both had to grow up. Now, she was
[29:26] programmed that way as a child.
[29:28] Her parents had a lot of problems, and
[29:30] she became the peacemaker and a
[29:32] caregiver emotionally.
[29:34] And then she carries that role into her
[29:36] marriage with me.
[29:37] And here's where the bad news is of her
[29:39] people, we always marry somebody at the
[29:42] same level of emotional development or
[29:44] trauma resolution as we are.
[29:46] So, when we met, we were two traumatized
[29:48] people not even realizing it. And then
[29:50] we played out our traumas, and I played
[29:53] it out in the typical male way,
[29:55] which is to be aggressive and demanding
[29:57] and resentful
[29:59] if she wasn't around to mother me.
[30:03] And um that's what she would have seen.
[30:05] And this dynamic can still arise
[30:08] except when it does,
[30:10] she puts a stop to it right away. And I
[30:13] have the
[30:14] grace and the wisdom I now to
[30:16] understand, yeah, I'm doing it again. In
[30:18] fact, I haven't done it since then.
[30:20] Because I just don't want to be that
[30:21] guy.
[30:23] You know, but that's what she would have
[30:24] seen.
[30:25] And what was going on inside your head?
[30:27] Were you anxious? Were you depressed?
[30:30] I was anxious and um
[30:33] then I want her her soothing. I want her
[30:37] I how should I say this? Um
[30:41] There's an interesting sexual dynamic
[30:43] between men and women.
[30:44] The men very often
[30:46] expect the unconsciously expect their
[30:48] women to mother them.
[30:51] To give them the mothering that
[30:53] they didn't fully receive as kids.
[30:55] And the women take on that role because
[30:57] they're acculturated in this society to
[30:59] do that.
[31:00] But then what happens sexually?
[31:02] No healthy guy wants to sleep with his
[31:04] mother. And no healthy woman wants to
[31:06] sleep with her son.
[31:07] So, that
[31:08] the the order and the you know, the the
[31:11] the passion kind of drains out because
[31:13] of this unconscious dynamic of women
[31:16] mothering men and and men men demanding
[31:18] that they do.
[31:20] So, then I become frustrated.
[31:22] And
[31:24] then who do I blame for that? I blame
[31:26] her rather than looking at how did I
[31:28] contribute to how did I have create this
[31:30] situation?
[31:32] So, um
[31:33] all that stuff played out in our
[31:35] marriage.
[31:36] And we've had to learn a lot from
[31:38] what didn't work.
[31:40] In my relationship when I was most
[31:43] anxious,
[31:44] it's also when my relationship nearly
[31:48] ended. Mhm.
[31:50] Um with my partner because like you
[31:52] said, I inadvertently took it out on her
[31:55] Yeah. because I felt that she should
[31:56] understand how I'm feeling and basically
[31:58] adapt to me.
[32:00] Exactly. And she didn't, and so
[32:04] there was conflict because I felt like
[32:06] she was misunderstanding me. Yeah. And
[32:08] wasn't like acting in the right way to
[32:11] meet the needs that I had. Like she
[32:12] couldn't under You know, and and so that
[32:15] I think I wore her down, and then there
[32:17] was kind of like as you say that
[32:19] ultimatum
[32:21] Yeah. moment where she's basically
[32:22] saying, "Listen, should I just go?"
[32:24] Yeah. And what you probably didn't do,
[32:26] and what I didn't do for a long time, is
[32:28] just to go to her and say, "You know
[32:30] what? I'm feeling anxious." Yeah, that
[32:31] was the That's what happened after. You
[32:33] know, you know, and I'm feeling
[32:35] unsettled. And I realize that I have
[32:37] resentful feelings towards you, you
[32:39] know?
[32:40] Instead of owning it, we acted out.
[32:43] Yeah. And then we Why don't they
[32:44] understand us? Yeah. And
[32:46] actually So, what we're actually
[32:48] demanding is that we can be children
[32:50] emotionally, and they be the mothers who
[32:53] without any
[32:55] effort on our part will understand and
[32:57] see us.
[32:58] You know, and this is a strong dynamic
[33:02] um in men-female relationships. And what
[33:05] tends to happen is is that men then
[33:08] Women at some point get to the
[33:10] if they're healthy enough. Now, if
[33:12] they're not If they're not strong enough
[33:14] to assert themselves, you know what
[33:15] happens? They get sick. Mhm. And uh
[33:19] I know this is a mouthful, but a lot of
[33:23] women's cancers and autoimmune diseases
[33:25] are precisely because of this
[33:26] self-repression. And I could talk about
[33:28] that at great length, the physiology of
[33:30] it. But either that the body will
[33:33] somehow say no for them. That's why
[33:35] women are on much more likely to be on
[33:36] antidepressants cuz they're taking the
[33:38] medication for both of them.
[33:40] You know, and so either the woman gets
[33:43] ill somehow or she asserts herself and
[33:46] says, "I'm not doing this anymore." At
[33:48] which point the guy will go seeking a
[33:50] younger mother who's not yet mature
[33:52] enough to assert herself.
[33:54] And this happens all the time in
[33:56] relationships.
[33:58] The cost of self-repression, the cost of
[34:00] sort of emotional repression. I think
[34:01] everybody is guilty at some point in
[34:04] their life of repressing their emotions.
[34:05] I think men Yeah. do it a lot as well. I
[34:07] mean, if you look at the suicidality
[34:09] Yeah. in the UK among men, men tend to
[34:11] act it out on themselves like that,
[34:12] yeah.
[34:13] What is the cost of self-repression that
[34:15] you talked about? The physiological
[34:17] mechanism of what's going on when we
[34:19] repress our emotions and how we feel?
[34:21] It's It's been well studied not just by
[34:23] me, but others
[34:25] and documented that repression of
[34:28] healthy anger
[34:29] um
[34:30] disturbs the immune system.
[34:32] Now, why should that be the case? Now,
[34:35] healthy anger
[34:36] is simply
[34:38] when somebody is intruding on your space
[34:42] and they won't desist. You say, "You're
[34:45] in my space. Get out." That's healthy
[34:48] anger. It's in the moment. When it's
[34:50] done its job, it's finished with.
[34:53] It's different from chronic rage, which
[34:55] is a whole other thing.
[34:57] Now,
[34:58] in other words, anger is a boundary
[35:00] defense.
[35:01] That's all it is. Animals do it. Ah, get
[35:04] out of my space.
[35:05] You know, now
[35:07] the emotional system in general has the
[35:09] job
[35:11] uh the human emotional system
[35:15] in general has the
[35:17] role of allowing in what is nurturing
[35:20] and loving and healthy and welcome and
[35:23] to keep out what isn't. That's the job
[35:25] of the emotional system.
[35:27] Let me ask you a trick question. What's
[35:29] the job of the immune system?
[35:35] Okay, I'll answer.
[35:36] It's to keep out what is unhealthy and
[35:38] unwelcome and toxic and to let in what
[35:41] is nurturing and healthy.
[35:43] So, the immune system is like is can be
[35:45] called a floating brain.
[35:47] It has a memory. It has a reactive
[35:48] capacity.
[35:51] And um
[35:53] it
[35:55] res- allows in nutrients and vitamins
[35:58] and healthy bacteria and keeps out and
[36:00] destroys what isn't, toxins and
[36:03] unhealthy invading organisms and so on.
[36:06] In other words, the immune system and
[36:08] the emotional system have exactly the
[36:09] same role.
[36:13] That's the first point. The second point
[36:14] is they're not separate systems.
[36:17] Physiologically speaking,
[36:19] the emotional system, the nervous
[36:20] system, hormonal apparatus, and the
[36:22] immune system are all one system.
[36:25] And there's a whole new science when I
[36:27] say new, 60, 70, 80 years old called
[36:30] psychoneuroimmunology
[36:32] that studies the unity. So, it's not
[36:34] even that all these things are
[36:35] connected, they're one.
[36:37] So, therefore, when you're suppressing
[36:39] one aspect of it, you're also
[36:40] suppressing the other. So, people that
[36:42] repress healthy anger, they have
[36:44] diminished immune activity.
[36:46] And this has been demonstrated.
[36:49] So,
[36:50] so the repression of emotions has a
[36:53] physiological function. And when you
[36:55] repress your immune system, you're more
[36:57] likely to have that immune system turn
[36:58] against you
[37:00] or to fail you when it comes to
[37:02] malignancy.
[37:03] The immune system like you and I have
[37:05] cancer cells in our bodies probably
[37:06] every day cuz na- nature makes mistakes.
[37:09] That's not a problem. The immune system
[37:11] recognizes them as
[37:13] cancer cells don't have on their
[37:15] surfaces markers
[37:17] that our normal cells do. So, the immune
[37:19] system says, "This is a foreigner. It's
[37:21] an enemy. I'm going to destroy it."
[37:23] But when you repress your emotions, you
[37:25] can also undermine your immune system,
[37:28] and then your immune system will not
[37:30] recognize the malignancy and not destroy
[37:32] it. It allows it to
[37:35] to proliferate.
[37:37] There was a British surgeon in the 1960s
[37:40] who operated on Am I talking too much?
[37:42] No, you know, there's no such thing on
[37:43] this podcast.
[37:44] Okay.
[37:46] Because I just get so passionate about
[37:48] this stuff.
[37:49] Uh and the reason I get so passionate
[37:51] about it is cuz it's so important in
[37:52] healing. And we as physicians could do
[37:55] so much more for people if we understood
[37:57] these scientific facts, but we don't as
[37:59] a profession. Anyway, there was a day
[38:02] There was a British um
[38:04] thoracic surgeon called David Kissen in
[38:06] the 1960s who noticed what I noticed in
[38:10] my practice, that um
[38:14] people emotionally repressed are more
[38:15] likely to get lung cancer.
[38:18] Now,
[38:19] it's true that
[38:21] most people who get lung cancers are
[38:24] smokers.
[38:25] But out of 100 smokers, only about 10 or
[38:28] 15 get lung cancer.
[38:30] Which doesn't mean that lung smoking
[38:32] isn't the major contributor to lung
[38:33] cancer. It is.
[38:36] But he found that it was those of his
[38:38] patients that were emotionally repressed
[38:40] that were likely to get the lung cancer
[38:42] as a result of the smoking.
[38:44] And the more repressed they were, the
[38:45] less smoking they had to do in order to
[38:47] get lung cancer.
[38:48] This is This guy noticed this in the
[38:50] 1960s. So, emotional repression has huge
[38:53] implications physiologically. And
[38:55] emotional repression
[38:57] is one of the uh
[38:59] impacts of childhood trauma.
[39:01] Why?
[39:02] The child is born with
[39:05] some fundamental needs.
[39:07] One of them, as I've articulated
[39:10] earlier, is for attachment, for
[39:12] closeness, proximity,
[39:14] unconditional loving acceptance by um
[39:18] caring adults.
[39:19] Not just the human child,
[39:21] all mammalian children have that need.
[39:24] Without that, they don't survive.
[39:26] So, that's called attachment.
[39:28] The seeking of closeness and proximity
[39:30] for the purpose of being taken care of
[39:33] or to take care of the other. And our
[39:34] brains are wired for attachment.
[39:37] We have circuits in our brain
[39:39] dedicated to the attachment
[39:40] relationships. And that's so important
[39:42] all through our lives, but especially
[39:44] when we're infants and young children.
[39:46] Now, but we have another need. We've
[39:49] already talked about it. I just haven't
[39:50] named it. The other need is for
[39:52] authenticity. We used to be ourselves,
[39:54] connected to our bodies and our gut
[39:56] feelings.
[39:57] Because again, without access to our gut
[39:59] feelings, we don't survive.
[40:01] Uh out there in nature, where we evolved
[40:03] and where we lived until
[40:06] 15,000 years ago. You know, and so that
[40:10] authenticity is very important, to be
[40:12] connected to yourself, so that you know
[40:14] when you're safe and when you're not. Uh
[40:17] you know what you want and what you
[40:18] don't want. You know how to say no when
[40:20] you don't want something. You know how
[40:21] to say yes when you do. That's
[40:23] authenticity. Auto the self, being
[40:26] ourselves. And
[40:29] to go back to Harry, his
[40:31] challenge all his life
[40:33] was that he wasn't allowed to be
[40:35] authentic. He had to play a certain role
[40:37] and fit into a certain set of
[40:38] expectations of how to be and who to be.
[40:41] And he could never figure out who am I
[40:42] really?
[40:43] You know, in that context. But that's so
[40:45] general. So many of us face that
[40:47] challenge of who are we really? Who are
[40:49] we authentically?
[40:51] As opposed to what's expected of us.
[40:53] Now, so we have these two needs.
[40:55] Attachment on the one hand
[40:58] authenticity in the other.
[41:00] Ideally, the two are not in conflict.
[41:04] Ideally, you can be in a relationship or
[41:07] I can be in a relationship where we can
[41:09] be ourselves and be accepted and
[41:12] connected with.
[41:14] And that's ideal all our lives.
[41:17] But what happens to a young child where
[41:19] if they're authentic, they're not
[41:21] accepted?
[41:22] So for example,
[41:24] um certain psychologists
[41:26] recommend that angry children should be
[41:30] uh punished for their anger.
[41:32] Rather than
[41:34] their anger being understood as to what
[41:35] it's all about and the child being
[41:38] taught different ways to express it.
[41:40] They just to be punished for it. And by
[41:43] different ways.
[41:45] By the way, if you're parent of a
[41:47] 2-year-old and if you don't frustrate
[41:49] your child, you're probably not doing a
[41:51] good job cuz your 2-year-old may want a
[41:53] cookie before dinner. And you say, "No,
[41:55] cookie before dinner." Uh
[41:57] I want a cookie, you know. And in a
[41:59] minute they're throwing a tantrum. Cuz
[42:01] what do even adults do when they're
[42:02] frustrated? They throw tantrums.
[42:05] Children, that's just what they do. They
[42:07] have no self-regulation yet.
[42:09] So the 2-year-old gets upset.
[42:12] Now you punish them.
[42:14] You give them a message, "You're not
[42:16] acceptable to me when you're angry. When
[42:18] you're angry.
[42:19] You have to be a certain way for me to
[42:21] accept you.
[42:22] Or you mustn't be sad. Cheer up.
[42:25] What's you know, what's wrong with you?
[42:26] You know?
[42:28] So when children are given this message
[42:30] of conditionality,
[42:32] that you're acceptable to me
[42:35] only if you behave in ways that I
[42:38] approve of,
[42:40] otherwise
[42:41] the attachment relationship is
[42:43] threatened,
[42:44] then a child is faced with this choice,
[42:46] which is not a choice at all.
[42:48] Do I stay attached to my parents?
[42:51] If my parent if my father's an
[42:52] alcoholic,
[42:54] and uh
[42:56] the only way I can find acceptance is by
[43:00] repressing my emotions and not show my
[43:02] sadness and my fear,
[43:04] then do I show my sadness and my fear or
[43:06] my anger?
[43:08] Or
[43:10] do I threaten the relationship? Well,
[43:11] there's no choice at all. The child will
[43:14] choose the attachment.
[43:17] And therefore they give up connection to
[43:19] themselves.
[43:20] Which is the essence of trauma. That
[43:22] disconnection from ourselves, not in my
[43:24] own words, in the words of other trauma
[43:26] theorists, um
[43:28] who I agree with,
[43:29] the worst aspect of trauma is the
[43:31] disconnection from ourselves. And we do
[43:33] that for the sake of making maintaining
[43:35] attachments. Which means for the rest of
[43:37] our lives, we'll be afraid to be
[43:39] ourselves.
[43:41] Is this what they call people pleasers?
[43:42] People uh exactly.
[43:44] So um
[43:45] Sheryl Crow, the American singer and
[43:47] musician, um
[43:49] developed breast cancer.
[43:51] And she said that since my breast cancer
[43:53] I've been a different person. Until
[43:55] then, I was always trying to please
[43:56] others.
[43:58] And now, and there was used to be voices
[44:00] in my head that were always telling me
[44:01] that I was wrong. I don't listen to them
[44:03] anymore.
[44:05] You know, so that uh
[44:07] people pleasers are the ones who gave
[44:10] up, not by conscious choice, but as a
[44:12] matter of survival, their authenticity
[44:15] in order to stay liked and accepted and
[44:17] attached with. But then they carried
[44:19] that on in the rest of their lives.
[44:21] And they're at risk. I always worry for
[44:23] the very nice people.
[44:25] I think this is fascinating. I looked at
[44:28] the back end of our YouTube channel and
[44:30] it says that since this channel started,
[44:32] 69.9%
[44:33] of you that watch it frequently haven't
[44:36] yet hit the subscribe button. So, I have
[44:38] a favor to ask you. If you've ever
[44:40] watched this channel and enjoyed the
[44:41] content, if you're enjoying this episode
[44:42] right now, please can I ask a small
[44:44] favor? Please hit the subscribe button.
[44:45] Helps this channel more than I can
[44:46] explain. And I promise, if you do that,
[44:49] to return the favor, we will make this
[44:51] show better and better and better and
[44:54] better and better. That's a promise I'm
[44:55] willing to make you if you hit the
[44:56] subscribe button. Do we have a deal? You
[44:58] always worry for the very nice people.
[45:01] Yeah. You talk a
[45:03] a lot about that in When the Body Says
[45:05] No. Yeah. Why is being nice a potential
[45:09] risk to one's health?
[45:12] Well, there's two there's two places to
[45:14] be very nice from. One is just genuine
[45:16] human compassion and concern for others,
[45:19] but you're still grounded in yourself.
[45:21] That's great.
[45:23] But a lot of people are very nice
[45:25] because they afraid not to be.
[45:28] Because they weren't liked who they
[45:29] were, they weren't loved for who they
[45:30] were. Being nice was their way of
[45:32] gaining the the love and the attention
[45:33] they needed. Let me tell you a story. In
[45:36] uh
[45:37] uh in 1870, there was a Frenchman
[45:40] neurologist called Jean-Martin Charcot,
[45:42] who was the first one to describe
[45:45] multiple sclerosis, which is an
[45:47] inflammation of the nervous system. Very
[45:49] debilitating.
[45:51] And Charcot said
[45:53] in 1870, without any scientific
[45:55] research, but just from his own
[45:57] observation, that this was a
[45:59] stress-driven disease.
[46:01] Okay? Now, since then, there's been a
[46:03] lot of research to show how stress and
[46:06] trauma potentiate multiple sclerosis.
[46:09] And that's not even controversial. Not
[46:11] that any neurologists knows that, they
[46:12] don't get taught this stuff in medical
[46:14] school, but the research is there. And I
[46:16] presented it in in my books. And
[46:19] in any case,
[46:20] when I was writing When the Body Says
[46:21] No,
[46:22] a group of a self-help group of multiple
[46:25] sclerosis patients phoned me and said,
[46:27] "Would you come and talk to us?
[46:29] Cuz we understand you're working on
[46:30] stress and and illness."
[46:32] And I said, "Yeah, sure, I'll come and
[46:33] talk to you." And there's about 25
[46:35] people in the group.
[46:37] This is in Vancouver, Canada. And I gave
[46:39] them very tentatively apologetically
[46:42] apologetically, I said, "Look, I don't
[46:43] know this for sure, but the sense I get
[46:46] from my work in family practice and
[46:48] palliative care is that the people that
[46:49] develop your condition and other
[46:52] conditions tend to be people to be
[46:53] pleasers. That they have a they tend to
[46:55] have difficulty saying no. They tend to
[46:57] be very nice people."
[46:59] And I I said, "You know, I'm sorry if
[47:01] I've offended you. I don't mean to. I'm
[47:02] just giving you something very
[47:04] tentative. I haven't done the research
[47:05] yet. I'm just giving you my
[47:07] observations." They said, "You just
[47:09] described us."
[47:11] And they all said that. And there's a
[47:13] woman who says in the group who says, "I
[47:16] don't even know how to say no."
[47:18] I said, "Terrific. Give me $100 right
[47:21] now."
[47:22] She says,
[47:23] "Well, I don't I don't I don't have $100
[47:25] with me right now." I said, "It's not a
[47:26] problem." I said,
[47:29] "Outside the outside this building
[47:30] there's an ATM machine. We can go and
[47:32] after the meeting we can go out, you can
[47:34] get $100 and give it to me."
[47:36] She says, "Uh
[47:38] I'm not comfortable doing that."
[47:41] I said, "Listen, I'm just trying to get
[47:44] you to say no to a ridiculous demand by
[47:48] a perfect stranger to whom you you owe
[47:51] nothing whatsoever." She said, "I can't
[47:53] say the word."
[47:56] Because in childhood,
[47:58] and by the way, when you have kids,
[48:00] you're going to find out what the word
[48:03] no means because at age 1 and 1/2, all
[48:05] kids start saying no.
[48:07] They say that long before they say yes.
[48:10] Why?
[48:11] Because that no is their boundary
[48:13] defense of I have to figure out who I
[48:15] am. I'm not going to accede to your
[48:17] demands. I need to figure out what I
[48:18] want. Put your shoes on. No.
[48:21] And the parents think this is something
[48:22] wrong. There's nothing wrong. It's
[48:23] nature individuating the child.
[48:27] When families punish that, the child
[48:30] will repress the no and the body will
[48:32] say in the form of multiple sclerosis,
[48:35] for example.
[48:36] Niceness, ALS, amyotrophic lateral
[48:39] sclerosis or known in Britain as motor
[48:41] neuron disease.
[48:43] Um
[48:44] Stephen Hawking was diagnosed with it at
[48:46] age 21. He was told he'd be dead within
[48:49] 10 2 years. He lived another 55 years.
[48:52] Doctors don't know everything. You know,
[48:54] um
[48:55] but there's been studies on ALS
[48:57] patients. They're extraordinarily nice.
[49:00] So, um
[49:02] there was a from a Cleveland Clinic in
[49:05] Ohio, a major referral clinic, two
[49:08] neurologists published a paper at an
[49:10] international
[49:11] ALS or motor neuron congress, why are
[49:14] ALS patients so nice? And what they
[49:16] described was that when people came to
[49:19] their
[49:20] office for diagnosis before they met the
[49:23] physician,
[49:24] they had underwent EDX electrodiagnostic
[49:27] testing of the nerves. And the
[49:28] technicians who performed the test would
[49:31] write on the side of the test, "This
[49:32] person can't have ALS. She's not nice
[49:35] enough." Or "I'm afraid this person has
[49:37] ALS. They're too nice. And the
[49:39] physicians, the neurologist specialist
[49:41] said, despite the shortness of their
[49:43] contact with their patients and the
[49:45] obviously unscientific nature of their
[49:47] observations, invariably, they turned
[49:49] out to be right.
[49:52] And then I called Dr. Wilburn who did
[49:54] this study and I said, what did the
[49:56] other staff what did the other
[49:57] neurologists say
[49:58] when you presented this? They said, oh,
[50:00] I said, yeah, we all noticed this. We
[50:01] just can't explain it. Since then,
[50:03] there's been a study where they've asked
[50:05] neurologists about their patients
[50:08] and the answer is, all their ALS
[50:10] patients are extraordinarily nice.
[50:12] Now, what do neurologists don't do
[50:15] is they don't make the connection that
[50:17] that we that that that that that
[50:19] niceness is a repression of healthy
[50:20] anger and that repression of healthy
[50:22] anger plays a role in the onset of that
[50:26] disease.
[50:27] So, it's not a accidental connection.
[50:30] So, why do I write very nice people? Cuz
[50:32] they're putting themselves at risk.
[50:35] Again, niceness can come from genuine
[50:37] concern for others,
[50:40] but that's not
[50:42] accompanied by an ignoring of yourself.
[50:44] You also care for yourself. Then you can
[50:46] be as nice as you want.
[50:48] But you also know how to say no.
[50:50] And you also know how to set boundaries.
[50:52] You don't know how to and you know how
[50:53] to be angry if you need to be.
[50:55] But the niceness that comes from
[50:57] self-repression,
[50:58] that's the one that hurts.
[51:01] There's clearly going to be a lot of
[51:03] very nice people hearing that.
[51:05] That know they're nice, that know
[51:06] they're people pleasers, that know
[51:07] they've experienced in their lives the
[51:09] consequences of
[51:12] putting everyone else before themselves.
[51:14] Yeah. I can It's funny, as you were
[51:16] talking, I was thinking about the person
[51:17] that I know who I think is nicest. Yeah.
[51:21] And that individual is sick all the
[51:23] time. Yeah. And I just connected that
[51:26] dot in my head. That I remember making a
[51:28] joke to her about, oh, you're sick
[51:29] you're sick a lot, like whatever, you're
[51:31] sick a lot. And then also thinking, oh
[51:33] my god, she is probably the nicest.
[51:36] Nice is an interesting word because that
[51:38] can be
[51:39] misconstrued as like, hiya, or like, you
[51:41] know, Yeah. saying nice things to
[51:43] someone else, but it's really at a
[51:44] deeper level.
[51:46] From what I've observed in that person,
[51:47] putting everyone else before them. Okay.
[51:50] Or chronically serving other people's
[51:52] needs before their own.
[51:54] Well, so, my contention is, as I said
[51:57] earlier, when people don't know how to
[51:58] say no, the body will say no for them in
[52:00] the form of illness. And for and for a
[52:02] lot of people with serious illness, the
[52:04] illness is the wake-up call.
[52:06] Yeah. And they actually learn. And when
[52:08] they do, that can make a difference to
[52:10] the course of their illness. Sometimes,
[52:12] not always, but I've seen examples of
[52:14] remarkable healing when people learn to
[52:17] say no and stop being people pleasers.
[52:20] And I just only wish
[52:22] that physicians understood this. So,
[52:24] when somebody comes to them with chronic
[52:26] eczema and all these other chronic
[52:28] conditions, they would not just provide
[52:30] the physical treatment, but they would
[52:32] also talk to the person about how much
[52:34] stress do they taking on. It's very
[52:35] stressful to take on everybody else's
[52:38] issues and ignoring your own. It's very
[52:40] stressful. That stress has a
[52:42] physiological impact on the body.
[52:44] How does someone who is a people pleaser
[52:47] how do they turn that ship around?
[52:49] Because it's
[52:50] they'll hear that, but because their
[52:52] niceness or their people pleasing is so
[52:54] deep within them and it started so
[52:55] early,
[52:56] they're not going to they're not going
[52:58] to change. Most of them won't change.
[53:00] Well,
[53:02] they may change if they get sick. You
[53:05] know, and if they learn something from
[53:06] it. I've had a lot of people tell me
[53:07] that. Um
[53:09] But it is happens very early. Uh but
[53:12] it's everybody's second nature, not
[53:14] their first nature. It's a very
[53:16] interesting phrase, second nature. It
[53:18] means that there is a first nature. Now,
[53:19] no baby is born as a people pleaser.
[53:22] No baby is lies there no one-day-old
[53:24] baby lies there thinking,
[53:26] gosh, um I'm hungry and wet and and and
[53:30] and lonely, but gosh, mom and dad have
[53:32] been worked so hard, I better not bother
[53:34] them.
[53:35] You know, babies will express their
[53:37] needs very volubly and very articulately
[53:39] and very loudly.
[53:41] That's how we're born. We're meant to be
[53:43] born that way.
[53:44] So, that this suppression of that is our
[53:47] second nature.
[53:49] And that first nature never goes away.
[53:52] We can always retrieve it. But you have
[53:54] to become conscious of it. So, and when
[53:57] the body says no, I lay out certain
[53:58] principles of healing. Um in the myth of
[54:01] normal, I will actually teach this
[54:02] exercise. Ask yourself this question,
[54:05] where in your life are you not saying
[54:06] no?
[54:07] Where where no wants to be said, but
[54:09] you're not saying it. Like let me
[54:11] actually let me give an example.
[54:13] Let's say I come to London and and and
[54:16] we're friends and I call you up, hey
[54:17] Stephen, here I am. Do you want to have
[54:19] coffee?
[54:20] Um
[54:21] but you've been up all night helping a
[54:23] sick friend.
[54:24] Or
[54:25] otherwise, you're just too stressed to
[54:28] want to meet me right now.
[54:31] Your desire is to say no.
[54:34] But what if you suppress that no?
[54:36] And you say yes for the fear of
[54:38] displeasing me or disappointing me or
[54:40] losing my friendship. If I say no, Gabor
[54:43] won't like me anymore.
[54:45] What's going to be the impact on you if
[54:47] you keep behaving that way?
[54:50] Physically, what's going to be the
[54:51] impact?
[54:52] I'm going to be going to be more tired,
[54:55] more exhausted, probably going to be
[54:57] more stressed. All that. Yeah. You're
[54:59] going to be resentful.
[55:00] Disconnected from Yeah, exactly. You
[55:02] know, so so it's not a this so
[55:04] this person, they need to the
[55:07] I I teach this exercise in the book
[55:09] about
[55:10] where am I not saying no?
[55:12] And
[55:13] what is my belief behind saying not
[55:15] saying no? I don't want to upset Gabor
[55:17] if he's coming to me.
[55:17] Exactly. And and and I and I depend on
[55:19] Gabor's liking. Yes. You know. Uh which
[55:22] means
[55:23] as a child, you depended on your
[55:25] parents' liking and you had to suppress
[55:27] your no's to be liked. Thirdly, where
[55:29] did I learn this belief that if I say
[55:31] no, I'm not likable or I'm guilty or I'm
[55:33] not worthwhile, you know? And the fourth
[55:36] question is, um
[55:38] who would I be without that belief?
[55:41] You know, uh and so if if your friend
[55:43] does this exercise regularly, believe
[55:45] me, she can turn it around. But it takes
[55:47] some practice. Who would I be without
[55:50] that belief? Yeah. When I
[55:53] put myself in her shoes or I put myself
[55:55] in a people pleaser's shoes, I wouldn't
[55:57] I'm a people pleaser in in certain
[55:59] environments, but I wouldn't say I'm
[56:00] generally. Yeah. Um I can imagine
[56:03] someone would respond to that and say,
[56:04] well, I'd lose all my friends.
[56:06] She'd find out who her friends really
[56:08] were.
[56:09] Because the real friends would celebrate
[56:11] it.
[56:12] They'd say, oh, finally, we're so glad
[56:14] to see you being yourself.
[56:16] The friends that were just using her or
[56:18] relying on her to be their supporter
[56:21] um unconditionally,
[56:23] uh will turn away. And I say this to
[56:26] people,
[56:27] this contest between attachment and
[56:29] authenticity can be a painful one,
[56:32] but you can decide which kind of pain
[56:34] you want.
[56:35] As a child, you had no choice.
[56:38] As an adult, it's true, if you're
[56:40] authentic, you might lose some
[56:41] attachment relationships. That's going
[56:43] to be painful. But which pain would you
[56:45] rather have? The pain of being authentic
[56:47] and losing some friendships that were no
[56:49] friendships at all?
[56:51] Or the pain of
[56:53] of of of losing yourself and all its
[56:55] implications and all its impacts on the
[56:57] body. So,
[56:59] um
[57:00] it it would be difficult for her and
[57:02] it's true, some relationships that she
[57:04] has now that would fade away,
[57:06] but my god, she'd also attract much more
[57:09] genuine and authentic relationships. And
[57:11] her true friends would really celebrate
[57:13] her.
[57:14] You know, now let me tell you something
[57:16] that just occurred to me, but forget it.
[57:17] The there was a
[57:19] um book written by an Australian nurse
[57:21] about 12 years ago.
[57:23] And she this nurse, like I used to work
[57:25] in palliative care with dying people,
[57:26] she works with in hospice with dying
[57:28] people. And these are people who tend to
[57:30] die of of of malignancy and chronic
[57:32] illness well before that time.
[57:35] And she wrote a book called the the the
[57:37] top five regrets of dying people.
[57:39] Bronnie Ware.
[57:40] And uh
[57:42] you know what the top regret was? That I
[57:43] wasn't being myself.
[57:46] That I wasn't true to myself.
[57:48] I wasn't being authentic. That's the top
[57:50] regret of dying people. And and the um
[57:53] the third one was that I didn't express
[57:56] my feelings for fear of disturbing or or
[57:59] displeasing others. So, authenticity is
[58:02] not just a new age concept. It's
[58:04] actually a central dynamic in staying
[58:07] healthy human beings.
[58:10] Oh, one more thing. So, yesterday I was
[58:12] in Westminster Abbey.
[58:16] And I was looking at all these
[58:18] beautifully and articulately worded
[58:20] monuments
[58:22] to all these colonialists.
[58:26] To all the people that oppressed and
[58:29] murdered
[58:30] and robbed
[58:32] and despoiled
[58:34] native people all over the world.
[58:36] They're the heroes of the British
[58:37] Empire.
[58:39] And I think one of the reasons there's
[58:42] such a strong pushback against the idea
[58:44] of trauma in this society
[58:46] is if you recognize trauma, which exists
[58:49] not only on the personal individual
[58:51] level, but very much on the collective
[58:53] level,
[58:55] the ruling elites in this country would
[58:57] have to come to terms with the fact that
[58:59] their wealth is based on the
[59:01] traumatization of foreign peoples, which
[59:04] incidentally
[59:05] was one of the crimes of Harry. Is that
[59:07] he pointed that out.
[59:09] The the that let's face it, the royalty,
[59:12] the wealth that I was born into
[59:15] was achieved at the despoilation and
[59:17] oppression of people around the world.
[59:20] So, trauma
[59:21] is not just a personal issue. It's very
[59:23] much a social and collective and
[59:25] historical issue. What's the cure?
[59:28] You know, cuz if we're if we're many of
[59:29] us are byproducts of generational trauma
[59:32] and we're seeking different ways to ease
[59:34] our pain through through the means of
[59:36] addiction, whether it's pornography or
[59:38] heroin or alcohol.
[59:40] Um we can't all afford expensive
[59:43] therapists.
[59:46] But we exhibit those self-destructive
[59:48] behavior patterns maybe every single
[59:49] day, maybe with social media addictions
[59:51] or whatever.
[59:53] What do we do?
[59:55] Unfortunately, uh the health care
[59:57] systems around the world have very poor
[60:00] appreciation of the emotional
[60:03] contribution to people's
[60:05] physical or mental ill health.
[60:08] And most physicians and most
[60:10] psychiatrists are not trained in it.
[60:12] Unfortunately, there's a huge um
[60:15] gap between science and research on the
[60:17] one hand and medical practice on the
[60:19] other. It's maddening sometimes to
[60:21] contemplate it. Um
[60:24] So, the first step would be to educate
[60:26] the the caregivers.
[60:28] Just educate doctors about the actual
[60:30] science of the mind-body connection and
[60:33] the impacts of trauma.
[60:35] Educate them.
[60:36] So, when you go to a physician with um
[60:39] say chronic fatigue
[60:41] or um
[60:42] inflammation of your joints,
[60:45] they don't just give you the necessary
[60:46] medication, which I'm not against, but
[60:49] they'll also ask you, "What's going on?"
[60:52] You know? So,
[60:53] that's the first thing.
[60:55] Second thing is let's prevent the
[60:57] problem.
[60:58] So,
[60:59] let's support young families to be
[61:01] really there for their kids.
[61:03] So that
[61:04] families don't have to struggle
[61:05] economically.
[61:06] And the parents are so stressed.
[61:09] Um
[61:10] As I may have mentioned, I've forgotten
[61:12] now,
[61:13] when parents are emotionally stressed,
[61:15] economically stressed, according to a
[61:18] number of studies, the kids' stress
[61:20] hormone levels are abnormal.
[61:23] And that is a harbinger of future
[61:26] disease.
[61:28] And so, let's look after young families.
[61:31] Let's make people feel secure.
[61:33] Uncertainty, lack of control,
[61:36] uh lack of information, these are some
[61:38] of the drivers of physiological stress.
[61:41] So, let's create a society where there's
[61:43] a more sense of mutual acceptance and
[61:46] commonality and and and social support.
[61:50] You know?
[61:51] Let teachers be educated that the kids
[61:54] who are so-called misbehaving are kids
[61:56] who are actually troubled.
[61:58] Troubled because of stuff at home and
[62:01] that the solution is not to exclude them
[62:03] or to punish them,
[62:05] but to actually give them emotional
[62:06] support in the classroom and in the
[62:08] schools. Let the schools be
[62:11] the human brain,
[62:13] according to a Harvard study, develops
[62:16] um
[62:18] from before birth. It's an ongoing
[62:20] process that begins before birth and
[62:22] continues into adulthood.
[62:25] The necessary conditions for human brain
[62:27] development is safe,
[62:29] uh supportive emotional relationship
[62:31] with adults.
[62:33] Let everybody who deals with children,
[62:35] from social workers to teachers to
[62:37] daycare workers to kindergarten um
[62:39] supervisors to to parents, understand
[62:42] the emotional needs of kids.
[62:44] And and provide that safety. Uh let the
[62:47] justice system, so-called, about which
[62:50] there's very little just,
[62:51] um
[62:52] uh
[62:53] in Canada,
[62:55] 50% of the women in jail are indigenous.
[62:58] They make up 6% of the population. 50%
[63:01] of the jail population. You call that
[63:03] justice? You take the most traumatized
[63:05] people
[63:06] who then act out their traumas and then
[63:08] you punish them for it. So, let the
[63:10] medical system, let the educational
[63:12] system, let the legal system understand
[63:15] child development and trauma.
[63:18] Now, in terms of the adult, to answer
[63:19] your question more specifically, so
[63:21] there's a social answer, Mhm. but then
[63:24] there's the individual answer.
[63:26] Yeah, a lot of people can't afford good
[63:28] therapy. It's true. It's expensive and
[63:30] and and even if there's a lot of people
[63:32] who are get therapy but not getting
[63:33] appropriate therapy.
[63:35] Well, if you can't afford therapy,
[63:38] go to the library, read some books.
[63:41] My own, but not just my own. I could
[63:44] rattle off five other books you should
[63:45] read. Read Dick Schwartz's
[63:48] book on internal family systems called
[63:50] No Bad Parts. Read Bessel van der Kolk's
[63:52] book on trauma called The Body Keeps the
[63:54] Score. Read Peter Levine's book Waking
[63:56] the Tiger on trauma. Read Oprah
[63:59] Winfrey's and Bruce Perry's book What
[64:01] Happened to You? Read Bruce Perry's book
[64:04] called uh
[64:05] The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog.
[64:08] Um
[64:09] I mean, have you even read Peter Levine?
[64:11] Oh, yeah.
[64:12] Oh, good. Oh, good. Wonderful. I'm glad
[64:13] to hear that. He's one of my mentors and
[64:15] friends.
[64:16] And we often work together. Uh so, this
[64:19] is and and and all of these books will
[64:22] have some
[64:23] advice about how to help yourself,
[64:26] including my books. Then, there's a lot
[64:29] of stuff on the internet. So, this
[64:31] uh the interview that you and I had a
[64:33] year ago,
[64:34] I checked this morning, has been seen by
[64:36] 2 and 1/2 million people. I'm sure it's
[64:38] helped a lot of people. It's a lot that
[64:41] you can get, just, you know, freely.
[64:42] Nobody's going to get charged to
[64:45] you know, on the YouTube. Um
[64:47] lots of my talks are available. Lots of
[64:49] talks by other really good people
[64:50] available. Do that. There's self-help
[64:53] groups
[64:54] of all kinds.
[64:55] Um Is there a risk here? This is what
[64:57] the the one side of the narrative
[65:00] sometimes argue that you can kind of
[65:02] over-traumatize
[65:04] your life in terms of over-labeling
[65:07] everything that you do as a trauma. So,
[65:09] you know, and
[65:11] I mean, the
[65:12] that always happens, right? When when
[65:14] people become
[65:15] aware of something, they become
[65:17] over-aware and they start over-labeling
[65:19] and saying, "That's a trauma response.
[65:20] That's a trauma response. That's a
[65:22] trauma response." And they kind of live
[65:23] with a feeling that they are inherently
[65:25] broken.
[65:26] Yeah, but my point is that nobody's
[65:28] broken.
[65:29] Um Actually, I talked about our first
[65:32] nature.
[65:33] That's always there.
[65:35] When people recover, it's an interesting
[65:37] word, recovery. What does it mean to
[65:38] recover?
[65:40] When you recover something, what are you
[65:41] doing?
[65:43] Going back to You're finding it.
[65:46] Oh, yeah. Actually, yeah. That's the
[65:47] definition of the word, isn't it? What
[65:48] do people find when they recover? They
[65:50] find their true selves.
[65:52] That's what they'll tell you. That true
[65:54] self never went away. Nobody's damaged
[65:56] goods. Nobody's broken.
[65:58] To talk about trauma is not to
[65:59] disempower people, but to empower them.
[66:02] If I learn that my response to the
[66:04] British media
[66:06] and the Harry
[66:09] issue
[66:10] was
[66:11] actually it's nothing to do with the
[66:12] present moment. It's actually some old
[66:15] programming.
[66:17] Oh, okay. Now I can drop it. Are you
[66:19] glad it happened?
[66:20] I'm glad that everything happened cuz
[66:21] everything is learning.
[66:23] Nothing in this this life is wasted if
[66:25] you know how to use it properly. And um
[66:28] so, what I'm saying is that
[66:30] to under- to to be aware of trauma is
[66:32] not to lose power, but to gain it
[66:33] because it's not an excuse. I can't keep
[66:36] going to my wife and saying, "I'm being
[66:38] resentful of you and and punishing you
[66:40] because my mother didn't take good care
[66:41] of me when I was a baby cuz she was too
[66:43] stressed."
[66:44] You know?
[66:45] I mean, that that that's lack of
[66:48] responsibility.
[66:49] But to for me to understand that my
[66:52] demands on my wife to take care of me
[66:54] like a mother would of a baby
[66:56] actually is my trauma response, then I
[66:58] can drop it. Cuz I'm not a baby anymore.
[67:01] I don't need
[67:02] I'm not that helpless. I'm not that
[67:04] resourceless.
[67:06] Um I'm not that um
[67:07] ungrounded. So, that
[67:10] when you recognize trauma, it's not in
[67:11] order to use it as an excuse, but to
[67:14] actually to overcome it.
[67:15] That's the whole point.
[67:17] When we talked about the suppression of
[67:19] our emotions and anger, you used the
[67:21] word healthy anger. Yeah. When you you
[67:23] know, cuz there's a there's a risk,
[67:24] isn't there, when you're
[67:25] saying that anger can be a positive
[67:27] thing, that people will then assume that
[67:29] berating someone behind a counter or a
[67:32] waitress in a restaurant because they
[67:34] got one item on your order wrong is
[67:36] standing up for your boundaries. I've
[67:38] done it.
[67:39] Yeah.
[67:41] No, it's not.
[67:42] So, healthy anger is in the moment.
[67:44] And it's just a boundary defense.
[67:47] It's not outrage. It's you're in my
[67:50] space, get out.
[67:52] That's its purpose. That's its only
[67:53] purpose.
[67:54] Or to protect something like a You want
[67:57] to see anger?
[67:58] Um
[68:01] Try and tell a mother bear
[68:03] not to
[68:04] be close to their
[68:06] to their cubs, you know? You'll find out
[68:07] what healthy mother anger is all about,
[68:09] you know? That's just healthy.
[68:12] The kind of rage you're talking about,
[68:15] have you ever had that kind of rage?
[68:18] Definitely on a spectrum. I've got I've
[68:20] got So, the reason I struggle with the
[68:21] answer is because I've got a friend
[68:22] that's fully shown me what the
[68:25] that's the extreme side of that is,
[68:27] where we used to call it the red mist
[68:29] with him, where he would literally lose
[68:30] control.
[68:31] is incidentally what Harry used to call
[68:32] his anger.
[68:33] Oh, really?
[68:34] Yeah. Yeah. My friend So, my friend um
[68:37] my friend, one of my best friends in the
[68:38] world, he he talks about this all the
[68:39] time is he had you could trigger him by
[68:42] saying something, usually by
[68:44] saying he was wrong about something.
[68:46] Yeah. Or something like that. Yeah. And
[68:48] then he would just lose it. So, I
[68:52] remember the first
[68:53] the last time it happened was
[68:55] and the pandemic rolled in, I was
[68:58] staying with him
[68:59] at in his apartment cuz the lockdown and
[69:02] I was living in America at the time. And
[69:04] we were discussing the virus. And I said
[69:06] to him, um I think people that are older
[69:10] and that have certain health um
[69:13] situations are more at risk. And he said
[69:15] to me, "No, people that are younger are
[69:17] more at risk." And I said and I showed
[69:19] it an NHS um website which said, "No,
[69:21] it's people that are older are more at
[69:22] risk."
[69:22] Yeah. And he just went into this red
[69:24] mist. Okay. He was totally triggered and
[69:26] lost control of his emotions. Okay, so
[69:28] if you observed him then, what you would
[69:30] have noticed is
[69:31] remember what I said about healthy
[69:32] anger? It's in the present moment. Once
[69:34] it's done its job, it's gone.
[69:35] Yeah. Your friend, the angrier he gets,
[69:37] the angrier he gets.
[69:38] Yeah. So the the rage just keeps
[69:40] building on itself. Now we talk about a
[69:42] fit of anger.
[69:44] It's a good word.
[69:45] You know where else we talk about fits?
[69:47] It's epileptic fits.
[69:49] In epileptic fits,
[69:50] certain electrical miswiring in the
[69:53] brain then recruits other brain circuits
[69:56] and it gets more and more and more until
[69:57] whole the whole body shaking and the
[69:59] person may even lose consciousness and
[70:01] soil themselves and so on. That's an
[70:03] epileptic fit. A fit of anger is the
[70:05] same. The the a fit of rage is the same.
[70:09] So that the more severe it gets, the
[70:12] more of his brain circuits it recruits.
[70:13] So rather than expending itself,
[70:15] doing its job and then being gone, it
[70:19] actually gets worse and worse and worse.
[70:21] That's unhealthy anger and triggering is
[70:23] a good word.
[70:24] Because look at what the word triggering
[70:26] means.
[70:27] Now if you look at a weapon,
[70:28] how big a part of the weapon is the
[70:30] trigger?
[70:32] This big.
[70:33] For the trigger to set off anything,
[70:35] there has to be ammunition there. There
[70:37] has to be
[70:38] um explosive material there.
[70:42] So your friend is carrying a lot of
[70:44] explosive material. I can tell you, your
[70:47] friend never felt understood or
[70:49] validated as a child. And he's still
[70:51] carrying the rage of that. So you
[70:53] trigger him
[70:54] and then
[70:56] by disagreeing with him and all the pain
[70:59] of invalidation, all the rage of not
[71:01] being understood now gets triggered and
[71:03] recruits more and more of his brain
[71:05] circuits. Now I can tell you something.
[71:07] Healthy anger is essential for our
[71:09] physical integrity.
[71:10] That rage, in the absolute in the in the
[71:13] aftermath of a rage episode, your risk
[71:16] of a heart attack or stroke doubles for
[71:18] for the next 2 hours, according to
[71:20] studies. Because what happens? Your
[71:22] blood pressure goes up,
[71:23] your blood vessels narrow, and the
[71:25] clotting factors in your blood increase.
[71:27] So of course you are at more risk. So
[71:29] the repression of anger can lead to
[71:31] chronic illness, but so can rage lead to
[71:35] uh heart attacks and uh and strokes and
[71:38] so on. So anger is a delicate thing.
[71:41] Shall I say something about my friend
[71:42] that we found out because he then went
[71:45] to a childhood psychologist Oh, good.
[71:47] himself. And that's why I said that was
[71:49] the last time. So you can imagine that
[71:50] was 3 years ago. Yeah. The pandemic, 2 3
[71:52] years ago. He went to a childhood
[71:53] psychologist and what they uncovered
[71:55] through their work was that as a kid he
[71:57] he was not only um a foot shorter than
[72:00] all the other kids,
[72:01] Yeah. but he was both dyslexic and
[72:03] struggled a lot intellectually. So um
[72:06] the people around him and on his report
[72:07] card
[72:09] basically called him stupid as a child.
[72:11] And then he actually found a text I
[72:12] think he found a text message at some
[72:14] point between his mom and his nan Yeah.
[72:15] where they were diminishing his chances
[72:17] of success. And he grew up with this
[72:20] deep sense of like I am not intelligent.
[72:25] A deep deep sense of it. And it's come
[72:27] out in all of these ways as an adult.
[72:28] And that you're right.
[72:31] Yeah. That's what was going on in that
[72:32] moment. I was challenging I was taking
[72:33] him back probably. Well, and you know
[72:35] what? That again to come back to Harry,
[72:36] that's what happened to him.
[72:38] They called him stupid and thicko and
[72:41] naughty.
[72:43] And he was none of none of those things.
[72:45] He just had trouble of concentrating and
[72:47] being attention because of all the
[72:48] stress.
[72:50] My friend has ADHD as well. Yeah, yeah.
[72:52] And and so in his book he describes that
[72:55] he'd been told he had post-traumatic
[72:56] stress. I didn't diagnose him with all
[72:58] this stuff. It's in his book. I said,
[73:00] "You know what? But I think given how
[73:02] you you were distracted as a kid, you
[73:04] had trouble paying attention,
[73:06] um they called you stupid,
[73:09] this is ADD. And um
[73:12] I wasn't saying he's got a disease. I
[73:14] was saying you actually that was a
[73:16] normal response that you had to an
[73:18] abnormal situation
[73:20] where that you were under a lot of
[73:21] stress and they made you wrong for it.
[73:23] They called you naughty. They called you
[73:24] stupid. They called you thicko. You're
[73:26] not any of that.
[73:28] Now the whole bunch of British
[73:29] psychiatrists got their knickers tied in
[73:31] a knot because I made that diagnosis,
[73:34] you know.
[73:35] Um
[73:36] My God, people. I was saying to the guy,
[73:39] "You don't have a disease. You have a
[73:40] normal response
[73:42] to abnormal circumstances. You were not
[73:44] stupid ever."
[73:46] But but children undergo this character
[73:48] assassination like you offended. And
[73:50] imagine the rage inside him.
[73:53] So when you disagree with him, you're
[73:54] triggering all that.
[73:57] It's just that's just how it works. Now
[73:58] interestingly enough, people call me
[74:00] stupid.
[74:03] That's not a trigger for me. Yeah, it's
[74:04] not for me. Because I know I'm not. You
[74:07] know, I I always grew up with a sense of
[74:09] my own intelligence, not to overstate
[74:11] it, but I know never had any doubt about
[74:13] it. But certain things you can do Yeah.
[74:16] like not see me
[74:18] and that'll trigger me.
[74:20] And for context for anybody that doesn't
[74:22] know why you not being seen triggers
[74:25] you,
[74:26] Well, look.
[74:28] I was born you know, I
[74:30] may have mentioned this last year. So I
[74:31] was born
[74:32] 2 months before the Nazis occupied
[74:34] Budapest. Then they started
[74:36] exterminating all the Hungarian Jews. So
[74:38] literally, my life was under threat cuz
[74:41] they didn't see me as a human being.
[74:43] They saw me as vermin.
[74:45] You know, now not that I knew that
[74:46] directly, but my mother, can you imagine
[74:49] what it was like for her to have a
[74:51] 2-month-old and living under the risk of
[74:53] death all the time for a whole year.
[74:56] And then
[74:58] as I mentioned before, she gave me to a
[74:59] stranger to save my life.
[75:02] And I didn't see her for 5 weeks. Well,
[75:04] that's not being seen. And my father's
[75:07] not there to see me cuz he's in forced
[75:08] labor.
[75:09] So literally, not being seen threatened
[75:11] my life.
[75:13] So no wonder
[75:14] when people uh
[75:16] when that happens now, you know,
[75:19] that for me is the trigger.
[75:21] Now the of course the answer is
[75:25] is to see myself.
[75:27] If I fully see myself, it doesn't matter
[75:29] whether you see me or not. You know, so
[75:31] if you see me,
[75:34] if you're not seeing me, if you're
[75:35] distorting
[75:38] who I am in your mind and in your words
[75:41] bothers me, it's only because I'm still
[75:43] counting on you
[75:45] uh or other people
[75:47] to see me cuz I don't know how to see
[75:49] myself. If I'm fully confident in
[75:50] myself, I'll say, "Gee, it's too bad,
[75:53] you know, uh Steven doesn't see me.
[75:55] Well, maybe we'll talk talk about it or
[75:58] maybe
[75:59] he'll never understand it, but
[76:01] I don't live in his mind." How do I
[76:03] fully see myself?
[76:04] It's hard to do, right?
[76:06] It's it's it's hard to do because
[76:09] when you were seen, it's not hard to do.
[76:13] Because you children see themselves
[76:15] through their parents' eyes. Yeah.
[76:17] But when you were not seen, then you
[76:20] have to learn it. This is one of the
[76:22] things to go back to meditation. That's
[76:25] not the only way. First of all, notice
[76:27] all the ways that you're not seeing
[76:28] yourself. Like 2 days ago, when I had
[76:31] this anxiety about how maybe I didn't
[76:33] give my best talk on Monday evening,
[76:35] you know what? I did my best. May not
[76:37] have been perfect, but I prepared for
[76:39] it. I put myself out there for 2 hours.
[76:42] And um
[76:43] I spoke a lot of truth.
[76:45] Might not have been the best, but so
[76:47] what? But
[76:48] but but but at that moment I wasn't
[76:50] seeing myself.
[76:51] You know, I could still lose it. So
[76:53] meditation,
[76:55] which is the form of meditation that at
[76:57] least I am learning,
[76:59] is about just noticing and seeing what's
[77:01] going on inside without judgment.
[77:04] So being aware.
[77:06] So let's practice. And you also
[77:07] suggested
[77:09] removing the things from your life that
[77:11] will stop you from seeing yourself, like
[77:14] social media.
[77:16] Well, because that can be a lot of
[77:19] friction.
[77:19] remove social media from my life, but
[77:21] what I can remove is my attachment to
[77:23] it.
[77:25] For example,
[77:26] I don't have to look at the comments
[77:28] on all my talks on YouTube. Who says
[77:32] what, who likes it, who doesn't like it.
[77:34] You know, I'm not on Facebook. I don't
[77:36] have a
[77:37] I have a professional Facebook page, but
[77:39] I don't
[77:40] administer it.
[77:41] Um
[77:42] but people go on Facebook
[77:44] and who says what, who likes me, who
[77:46] doesn't like me.
[77:47] You know,
[77:48] they can wean themselves off that. So we
[77:50] may not be able to stay off social media
[77:53] um
[77:54] to write my books. Thank God for the
[77:57] internet. But I don't have to
[78:00] be attached to it. So it's it's it's
[78:02] it's using it, but not letting it use
[78:04] you.
[78:06] Which is very hard.
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[79:52] Yeah, the the social media and all these
[79:53] things, these stimuli, they I I feel
[79:55] like they've
[79:56] I'm concerned that many of us are living
[79:58] in a state of chronic stress, mild
[80:03] background Yeah. stress. Yeah. And I say
[80:05] that a lot because the amount of times
[80:07] that I catch myself, I spoke to James
[80:09] Nestor who talks a lot about breathing
[80:10] and breath. Yeah.
[80:11] And the amount of times that I now catch
[80:13] myself very shallow in breath Mhm. after
[80:16] just looking at my my phone or thinking
[80:19] about something.
[80:21] Yeah. Let's get my get some oxygen back
[80:22] into me. In bed at 1:00 a.m. as I'm
[80:24] trying to sleep, catch my breath being
[80:26] shallow. During this podcast when I
[80:27] start thinking about something, my
[80:28] breath gets really shallow. Looking at
[80:30] my phone, my breath gets really shallow.
[80:31] I live in this
[80:33] I feel like I'm living in a state of
[80:34] like constant subtle
[80:37] background stress. Yeah.
[80:39] Well, I'm I'm glad you mentioned breath
[80:41] because um
[80:43] it's one of the
[80:44] to go back to the question of what
[80:45] people can do for themselves, they can
[80:47] learn to breathe.
[80:48] And Eckhart Tolle is a spiritual
[80:50] teacher. Um
[80:52] he says that
[80:54] um
[80:55] rather than go to retreats and
[80:57] therapists, just take a few conscious
[80:59] breaths several times a day.
[81:01] I mean, not that not to dismiss the
[81:03] other, but that's more important than
[81:05] anything else.
[81:06] And interestingly enough, the Buddha,
[81:09] when he was teaching his monks,
[81:12] in fact, one of the Buddha's assistants,
[81:14] Ananda,
[81:15] asked him um
[81:17] "Oh holy one, do you still meditate?"
[81:19] And he said, "Yes." "And what kind of
[81:21] meditation do you practice?" says
[81:22] Ananda.
[81:24] And uh Buddha says, "Observing the
[81:26] breath." So, in Buddhist meditation, and
[81:29] I'm not here to advocate for any
[81:30] particular pathway, and I'm not a
[81:33] practitioner of any religion, but
[81:36] he this this this is very wise man.
[81:40] Um he taught
[81:42] awareness of breath as the most
[81:43] important portal into into reality. What
[81:46] do you think that the antidote is for
[81:50] the way we've designed our lives to be
[81:52] constant in this sort of stressful
[81:53] stimulation and
[81:55] cuz we're clearly I was just wondering
[81:57] if human beings are supposed to endure
[81:59] this much constant stimulus and stress
[82:01] in their lives, and with, you know,
[82:02] chronic inflammation and all these kinds
[82:04] of things are now killing people at
[82:06] alarming rates. The the you know, the
[82:08] the diseases that are caused by
[82:09] inflammation.
[82:11] What can we do about our stress? And is
[82:13] it is it okay? Maybe it's okay.
[82:16] Well, um it's the norm, so you can say
[82:19] it's normal. Is it okay? Well,
[82:22] the question is to be answered by
[82:24] looking at what the impacts are.
[82:26] And what are the impacts?
[82:28] You know, the impacts are very serious.
[82:31] For um you can see it on the individual
[82:34] level and in terms of mental health
[82:35] conditions, as I said earlier, are
[82:37] burgeoning internationally. Um
[82:41] autoimmune conditions are uh but if you
[82:43] look at it on also on the social level,
[82:46] there's more conflict, there's more um
[82:48] division, there's more intolerance
[82:52] in our culture than it has been for
[82:54] quite a while. These are the impacts of
[82:56] the stressful culture that we live in.
[82:58] So, is it okay?
[83:00] Yeah, if you want to if you want this,
[83:01] it's okay. But if you don't, it's not
[83:04] okay. It depends what you want.
[83:06] Relationships. Yeah.
[83:08] Romantic relationships. Yeah. Um
[83:11] thought a lot about the role that our
[83:12] trauma plays in our ability to form
[83:15] relationships. Obviously, society's
[83:17] changed quite profoundly in the last
[83:19] couple of decades. Different sort of
[83:21] gender transformations have caused
[83:23] certain mismatches and difficulties with
[83:25] people connecting. The world has gone
[83:27] very digital now, so dating apps run the
[83:29] run a lot of dating. I think 50% of
[83:31] people originally meet online. That's
[83:33] their first point of contact. Dating is
[83:35] very very hard for people, and there's a
[83:36] lot of people that are kind of giving up
[83:37] on it. Mhm. Um attachment, dating,
[83:41] trauma,
[83:42] um I've come to learn that we are
[83:44] mirrors. I think I found love in my life
[83:46] when
[83:47] not when I
[83:49] discovered anything externally, but when
[83:51] I did a lot of work to figure out the
[83:54] the barriers that were standing in my
[83:56] way of connection.
[83:57] Well, you just answered your own
[83:58] question.
[83:59] Oh, really? Yeah.
[84:00] We can't form proper relationships until
[84:03] we have the capacity to be alone
[84:06] and be comfortable with ourselves.
[84:08] You know, and the more comfortable you
[84:10] can be alone,
[84:12] which is different from being lonely, by
[84:13] the way.
[84:14] Um the more capacity to be actually to
[84:16] be to be alone to be with yourself and
[84:19] to grow on yourself
[84:20] in your own truth, the more likely
[84:22] you're able to form meaningful and
[84:24] positive relationships.
[84:26] And rather than asking me,
[84:28] a lot of people want into relationships
[84:29] to solve their problems.
[84:31] Then there's the initial in love phase
[84:33] where everything is just ideal, you
[84:35] know, and then reality hits.
[84:38] And then all of a sudden, that person
[84:40] who you're so infatuated with becomes
[84:43] your enemy, and you hate them so much.
[84:45] You know, I mean,
[84:47] I've experienced such hatred for my wife
[84:50] over the years.
[84:52] And uh
[84:53] when I've been disappointed or
[84:55] dissatisfied, you know, because I was
[84:58] looking to her to fill me with, and
[85:01] nobody can fill you from the outside.
[85:04] So, so once you no longer need it,
[85:07] um
[85:08] once you no longer are dependent on it,
[85:12] then you can enter into a healthy
[85:14] relationship. Or, to put it more
[85:16] positively,
[85:18] a relationship can be a real ground for
[85:21] mutual growth.
[85:23] So, you can enter into a relationship.
[85:26] You're not going to be perfect. You're
[85:27] never going to be perfect.
[85:29] Um
[85:30] carry a certain degree of trauma,
[85:32] certain degree of dysfunction, certain
[85:33] things that trigger you, as we said
[85:34] earlier.
[85:36] But you But if both people are committed
[85:38] to the truth, which my wife and I have
[85:40] been. I mean, that's one thing you can
[85:41] say about ourselves, you know.
[85:43] For all the stuff that we've been
[85:45] through, ultimately the truth mattered
[85:46] more than who's right and who's wrong.
[85:49] So, if you're committed to the truth and
[85:51] working it out, and if the fundamental
[85:54] love is there, then you can grow
[85:56] together. And so, for me,
[85:58] the relationship has been the most
[86:00] important growth
[86:02] growing ground of my life, not the
[86:03] therapy that I've had or the reading
[86:05] that I've done. Uh not that I'm
[86:07] dismissing any of that,
[86:09] but the actual relationship has been my
[86:11] um
[86:12] most important schooling
[86:15] in in in in how to become authentic.
[86:17] There's no real chance of a good
[86:18] relationship if one or more parties in
[86:21] that relationship aren't committed to
[86:22] truth and they're committed to
[86:24] being right or to victory or It happens
[86:27] all the time.
[86:28] As I said earlier, people always meet at
[86:30] the same level of of of of emotional
[86:34] development or trauma resolution,
[86:37] so that water finding its own level.
[86:40] But when one person starts growing and
[86:42] the other doesn't,
[86:44] it becomes impossible.
[86:46] Either the person that does the growing
[86:48] gives it up and goes back to their
[86:49] previous self, which is almost
[86:51] impossible,
[86:52] or the other person is challenged to
[86:54] start growing themselves, or they're
[86:56] going to split.
[86:58] That That's just what's going to happen.
[87:00] And
[87:01] again, to go back to the situation
[87:03] between men and women, this is what
[87:05] tends to happen, and I've seen it
[87:08] in my own marriage, I've seen it in as a
[87:10] physician, as an observer of human
[87:12] beings.
[87:14] The couple are kind of getting along,
[87:16] but then the children come along.
[87:18] Now, the mother's caring energy has to
[87:20] go towards the children,
[87:23] where it needs to go.
[87:25] The father
[87:27] may feel now a bit of a
[87:29] their nose is a bit out of joint, cuz
[87:31] now they're not getting the attention.
[87:33] And now the woman has a decision to
[87:35] make. Do I look after the 3-day-old baby
[87:38] or the 3-month-old baby, or do I look
[87:40] after the 35-year-old baby? And
[87:44] to the extent that the mother chooses to
[87:46] look after the 35-year-old baby, she's
[87:49] depriving the 3-month-old.
[87:51] A lot of women then make a choice that I
[87:54] need to look after my kids, and I can't
[87:55] put all this caring energy
[87:57] mothering caring energy into my husband
[87:59] anymore.
[88:00] And then relationships get into trouble
[88:02] cuz the guys can't stand it.
[88:04] I've seen this over and over and over.
[88:06] I'm not saying it's universal, but it's
[88:08] very common.
[88:10] Sex.
[88:12] In your practice, I imagine you've come
[88:15] across this quite quite often where
[88:16] there's a sexless relationship, and
[88:19] that's causing issues. What is typically
[88:22] the true cause of that? Mhm. Um that
[88:26] disconnect in the in the with intimacy,
[88:27] with sex, in the bedroom, cuz a lot of
[88:29] people are struggling with that. Yeah.
[88:32] Well, first of all,
[88:33] I think um today we jump into sexuality
[88:36] way too early.
[88:38] In other words,
[88:39] um
[88:41] we talk about intimacy,
[88:43] but intimacy really means the innermost.
[88:46] And we tend to have physical intimacy
[88:48] before we have emotional intimacy.
[88:50] So that um people jump into bed rather
[88:53] quickly. I'm not being prude or I'm not
[88:54] being prudish here.
[88:56] I'm not
[88:57] prescribing that you should only get
[88:59] have sex when you get married or
[89:00] anything like that.
[89:01] But when we enter into sexuality early,
[89:05] without the emotional intimacy and the
[89:06] emotional authenticity,
[89:09] then the sex become divorced becomes
[89:11] divorced from our
[89:13] uh our real needs.
[89:15] And especially for women
[89:17] who who tend to
[89:20] And I I can't speak of everybody, but in
[89:22] general, women tend want to have more
[89:25] intimacy emotionally.
[89:27] Um
[89:28] that becomes very hard. And if the
[89:29] emotional intimacy doesn't follow, sex
[89:32] becomes kind of mechanical.
[89:34] Becomes mechanical. Yeah.
[89:35] Um
[89:36] So, that's one big reason. The other
[89:38] reason we already talked about this sort
[89:40] of parenting dynamic between the
[89:41] genders. Yeah. Uh now, I know we're only
[89:44] talking about the two major genders now.
[89:46] There's all kinds of gender variations
[89:48] these days and uh but these dynamics
[89:50] exist in all kinds of context. So, that
[89:52] when one partner is doing all the
[89:54] emotional carrying or most of the
[89:55] emotional carrying, this is parent-child
[89:57] relationship that really deadens the
[89:59] sexual drive.
[90:01] You know what I'm saying here? Sorry?
[90:02] Mercia Pye.
[90:04] She's a a psychologist. She actually
[90:06] said to me the other day, "Never call
[90:08] your partner mommy or daddy." Yeah. For
[90:10] this very reason. Yeah, well, oh oh
[90:12] good. That's that's a good way to put
[90:14] it.
[90:15] I I think it's because we um we put
[90:18] sexuality um
[90:20] And this society, of course, just
[90:22] glorifies sexuality.
[90:24] You know, and if you look at some of the
[90:27] most famous sex symbols, who were they?
[90:30] Um abused women.
[90:32] You know, like a Marilyn Monroe, deeply
[90:34] traumatized child.
[90:36] And abused
[90:39] as an adult by President Kennedy and
[90:42] just about everybody.
[90:44] And she was the
[90:46] the woman everyone wanted to sleep with.
[90:49] You know, so that is really distorted
[90:51] sexuality here. And for women
[90:53] especially,
[90:55] uh safety is so important for sexuality.
[90:57] Yeah. Um as we talk about frigid women,
[91:01] um but when do people freeze?
[91:04] It's a fear response.
[91:06] It's It's nobody's true nature.
[91:08] It's just a response. And usually
[91:09] something happened to them or something
[91:11] is happening now. So, that then
[91:13] un-melting can happen
[91:15] in a condition of safety. And then the
[91:17] intimacy, the emotional intimacy is
[91:19] there,
[91:20] which creates the safety for the sexual
[91:22] opening. And that's the dynamic in my
[91:24] marriage as well. You know, uh
[91:26] you know what my wife says what my wife
[91:28] says, she says, "Truth is sexy."
[91:33] Such a good point. Yeah.
[91:35] Is there anything in your practice that
[91:37] you're increasingly
[91:39] being confronted with in the last couple
[91:41] of years that you weren't seeing as much
[91:43] as
[91:44] when you first started?
[91:45] Um what I see out there is increasing
[91:47] distress in this society and and people
[91:49] are more confused. And young people are
[91:51] just so challenged. And uh
[91:54] the the in the United States, the the
[91:56] rate of childhood suicide is going up.
[91:58] You know, suicide.
[92:01] You know, um more and more kids are
[92:03] being medicated for all kinds of
[92:05] conditions. Um
[92:07] in the US, 70% of the adult population
[92:10] is at least on one medication.
[92:13] Um
[92:14] um a quarter of women at least in the US
[92:17] are on antidepressants or anti-anxiety
[92:18] medications.
[92:20] Th- those numbers are going up in
[92:21] Britain as well from all the statistics
[92:23] that I see. So, I see is a a growing um
[92:27] manifestations of of of distress, what I
[92:30] call a toxic culture. I see that all the
[92:32] time. And
[92:34] look, I I mean the fact that this book,
[92:35] The Myth of Normal, is being published
[92:37] in North Macedonia and Thailand and
[92:39] Vietnam and in in in in Northern Europe
[92:42] and in Eastern Europe and
[92:44] it's just worldwide there's this
[92:45] epidemic of distress.
[92:48] That's what I'm seeing.
[92:49] And
[92:51] I'm saying people,
[92:53] either we can look upon this as some
[92:55] unexplainable misfortune
[92:57] and bad luck,
[92:59] or we can actually look for the actual
[93:00] causes of it in the way we that relate
[93:02] to each other,
[93:04] in the way that we raise our children,
[93:06] in the way that we approach ourselves.
[93:08] And I'm saying that solutions are
[93:10] possible,
[93:11] but yeah, the world is getting more and
[93:13] more difficult for a lot of people. I do
[93:15] see that. And I don't think it's going
[93:17] to get better anytime soon.
[93:19] You're not optimistic.
[93:21] So,
[93:22] Noam Chomsky once said that
[93:25] when he was asked if he's optimistic or
[93:27] pessimistic, he says uh
[93:29] he says,
[93:30] "Strategically, I'm an optimist and
[93:31] tactically, I'm a pessimist."
[93:33] Uh which means that in the long term, I
[93:35] do believe in people. I mean, and I'm
[93:37] the same way. I do believe in human
[93:39] beings. I do believe in the human
[93:40] capacity to
[93:42] to grow, to transform, to
[93:44] to come to a deeper grounded sanity in
[93:47] themselves both on an individual and a
[93:49] social level.
[93:50] I do believe in that. If I didn't
[93:52] believe that, I would just stay at home
[93:54] and
[93:55] read books and listen to music. Um
[93:58] I do believe in that. I'm optimistic in
[94:00] that sense.
[94:01] But at the same time, I think in the
[94:03] short term, it's getting darker and
[94:05] darker. And you can see that so many
[94:07] manifestations of that. So,
[94:09] yeah, I am optimistic. I believe in
[94:11] humanity and human beings.
[94:13] And I think we have a hard road to
[94:16] to travel before we
[94:19] get to our
[94:21] better sense of self.
[94:23] Um I have to close this conversation by
[94:27] seeking some solutions. You used the
[94:29] word solutions there and you talked
[94:31] about this better sense of self. On an
[94:33] We've talked about it from a social
[94:35] level, what governments can do to change
[94:37] Yeah. education systems and
[94:38] Yeah. on an individual level, on a
[94:41] family level,
[94:44] what can
[94:45] what can I do?
[94:47] Well, um
[94:49] first of all, you need to define what
[94:52] your actual goals are.
[94:53] Okay, so let me try.
[94:56] I want to be I want to do work that
[94:57] helps serves others. I want to do work
[94:59] that I
[95:01] um
[95:03] I find fulfilling and that keeps me
[95:05] challenged. Yeah. And I want to
[95:07] which incidentally serves your health
[95:09] cuz it's been shown that people that
[95:10] live a life of purpose and meaning,
[95:13] they're physiologically healthier. I
[95:14] want to be healthy because I want to do
[95:16] all of these things for longer. Yeah.
[95:18] Yeah.
[95:18] Um I want to have relationships that are
[95:20] full and true and raw and honest.
[95:25] Okay. Um and I want to
[95:29] I think that's it. That's the work and
[95:30] personal. And then I want to raise a
[95:32] family that is
[95:35] beautiful and
[95:37] pure and free of as much trauma as I can
[95:39] possibly make them be.
[95:41] And I want to be close to my children in
[95:43] a way that I wasn't close to my parents.
[95:45] Yeah.
[95:46] Well, then the question you're going to
[95:47] have to you have to ask yourself is
[95:50] um what factors in your life support
[95:53] those goals
[95:54] and what don't.
[95:56] What activities are you engaged in that
[95:57] will support those aims? What will
[96:00] undermine them?
[96:01] And uh
[96:02] seek to diminish or eliminate the ones
[96:05] that are undermining your goals and uh
[96:08] and and strengthen the ones that are
[96:09] supporting it. You know, that's what it
[96:11] is. And um
[96:13] you know,
[96:16] and your intentions, by the way,
[96:18] are not
[96:19] only superficially the ones you
[96:21] articulate. If I want to know your real
[96:23] intentions, I have to look at how you
[96:24] live your life, not what you say about
[96:26] it. So,
[96:28] wh- when I was a young parent,
[96:30] if you had asked me, "What is your goal?
[96:32] What's your intention?" I would have
[96:33] said it's the happiness of my children.
[96:36] And I would have said that totally
[96:37] sincerely.
[96:39] If you had looked at how I lived my life
[96:41] as a workaholic doctor,
[96:43] not available to my kids, always right
[96:45] there looking for
[96:46] mm being important and serving others
[96:49] and and and and and you know, being at
[96:50] the center
[96:52] of people's lives because I was so
[96:54] essential to them,
[96:55] my actual intention was self-importance.
[96:59] My stated intention,
[97:01] the be- the the happiness of my
[97:03] children, as much as I would have meant
[97:04] it sincerely,
[97:07] did not jive with how I was living my
[97:09] life.
[97:10] So, what you need to ask yourself is
[97:12] what anybody needs to ask themselves is
[97:16] look at your intentions, both the
[97:18] conscious ones
[97:19] and also the ones that show up when you
[97:21] look at how you actually live your life,
[97:24] and bring the two into alignment.
[97:26] So, look at again what serves your
[97:28] intentions
[97:29] and what undermines it. Mhm. And look at
[97:32] that seriously. That would be my answer.
[97:35] It's so difficult to distinguish between
[97:36] the two sometimes because
[97:40] I mean, on the surface, the the
[97:42] the system you gave there of actually
[97:44] looking at how I'm allocating my time
[97:46] and is my time being allocated towards
[97:48] things that would further what I'm
[97:50] saying my intentions are is a very
[97:51] useful exercise to run.
[97:54] But, you know, as I said those things
[97:56] that I said as my stated goals,
[97:59] I do find a disconnect, I think. I think
[98:02] those things have been handed to us.
[98:03] When we when you ask someone their
[98:05] goals, they will say things
[98:07] that will make the person asking the
[98:09] question think well of them.
[98:11] Because there's one goal that you didn't
[98:12] state.
[98:14] Which is I stayed away from the selfish
[98:16] goals? No.
[98:18] What's what what's the one I didn't
[98:19] state?
[98:19] Inner peace.
[98:23] Mhm. Because without inner peace, you're
[98:25] not going to be able to serve any of
[98:26] those goals properly.
[98:28] Mhm. Or if you were, you'd do it at some
[98:30] risk to yourself. And so, um
[98:33] h- how would that be for you as a goal,
[98:34] inner peace?
[98:38] And then, if
[98:40] running around serving others in the
[98:42] name of this so-called higher goal
[98:44] undermines your inner peace,
[98:48] then you're not on the right track. Mhm.
[98:50] And you know who I'm talking to? I'm
[98:51] talking to myself. Mhm. Talking to me as
[98:53] well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Inner peace is
[98:55] not a selfish goal.
[98:57] Uh it's from a position of safety uh
[99:00] sorry, a position of inner peace
[99:02] that we can speak compassionately and
[99:04] truthfully to others, that we can um
[99:07] serve our other goals. But, you know,
[99:10] Eckhart Tolle talks about our inner
[99:12] purpose and our external purpose.
[99:14] And
[99:15] you stated a bunch of external purposes.
[99:17] And that's why there's the dis- I
[99:19] believe Mhm. if I may pardon the the
[99:21] diagnosis, but
[99:23] or the analysis, but but that's why that
[99:25] disconnect that you mentioned.
[99:28] Cuz the goals that you stated were
[99:29] largely external. Mhm.
[99:31] And what are the internal goals?
[99:34] Inner peace. Very good. Yeah. Now, you
[99:36] have to put that into the mix.
[99:38] And once you be once you do, I don't
[99:40] believe that Now, nobody handed that to
[99:42] you.
[99:44] I just
[99:45] I think this is the issue with the
[99:46] workaholics is we think that the path to
[99:48] inner peace is just by
[99:50] aiming at the external goals. Like I
[99:52] think I think maybe at some level that's
[99:53] what I believe.
[99:55] Workaholics think they can work their
[99:57] way or validate external validate or
[99:59] trophy their way or number one book
[100:02] their way to inner peace. Because
[100:04] temporarily, when your book shows up as
[100:06] number one on the best-sellers list or
[100:07] it shows up at all, you feel some inner
[100:09] peace.
[100:10] But it's addictive. And
[100:13] there's a wonderful physician and
[100:15] researcher
[100:16] Vince Felitti,
[100:18] who studied childhood trauma quite a bit
[100:20] and um
[100:21] showing its relationship to adult
[100:23] negative outcomes. And he said, "It's
[100:25] hard to get enough of something that
[100:26] almost works."
[100:29] And uh
[100:30] so yeah, you can get that temporary
[100:32] inner peace, but look at the long-term
[100:34] consequences of the workaholism. It's
[100:36] not inner peace. I can tell you that.
[100:39] You know, I can tell you after long
[100:40] experience.
[100:41] Doesn't matter even how successful you
[100:43] are out there. We started the
[100:44] conversation with this. It's never going
[100:46] to give you inner peace. Inner peace
[100:47] doesn't come from the outside.
[100:49] That's not a goal anybody ever handed to
[100:51] you.
[100:52] That's something that
[100:54] you have to come to yourself. You know
[100:56] this. How are you acting in line with
[100:58] what you know?
[101:00] Are you Are you doing it well?
[101:02] You know what?
[101:04] Um
[101:05] I'm not going to give myself 100% by any
[101:07] means. I mean, just look at this week.
[101:10] But I'm doing so much better than I ever
[101:12] did.
[101:13] And I'm so much more comfortable about
[101:15] it and so much more comfortable about
[101:16] the future as well.
[101:17] You know, I am.
[101:19] What is the one thing that we didn't
[101:21] discuss
[101:22] that maybe is the most important thing
[101:24] for my audience that are listening right
[101:27] now?
[101:31] That
[101:33] not that we should impose suffering on
[101:35] any children or anybody in order to
[101:36] teach them anything. Life will bring its
[101:38] own suffering.
[101:40] But when suffering comes along, there's
[101:43] two things we can do with it.
[101:45] Um
[101:46] we can try and just get rid of it, not
[101:49] to feel it, to numb ourselves,
[101:51] or we can actually learn from it.
[101:53] So, suffering and pain can be big
[101:55] teachers if you know how to relate to
[101:57] them.
[101:58] So, when illness comes along, when a
[102:00] crisis comes along in your life,
[102:02] you might notice that the Chinese word
[102:04] for cri- for crisis is made up of two
[102:07] character letters meaning
[102:09] uh danger and opportunity. Really? So,
[102:11] when there's a crisis, there's danger,
[102:14] but there's also opportunity to learn
[102:16] and to grow.
[102:18] And um
[102:19] there's such a thing as growing older.
[102:21] In other words, not just getting older,
[102:24] but actually growing older.
[102:26] And you actually still keep growing as
[102:28] you get older.
[102:29] And that growing older actually has to
[102:32] do with
[102:33] becoming more and more authentic to
[102:34] yourself.
[102:35] So, sometimes I do that successfully,
[102:37] sometimes I don't. But that's really the
[102:40] journey. And I'd recommend that journey
[102:42] to everybody. You can actually grow
[102:44] older. In other In other words, you
[102:45] don't have to shrink.
[102:47] You can actually grow.
[102:50] When you said the word growth there, it
[102:51] reminded me of something you said in a
[102:52] topic we haven't actually talked about,
[102:54] which I did want to speak to you about,
[102:55] which is vulnerability.
[102:57] Yeah. I remember you making this
[102:58] interesting connection. I saw it
[102:59] somewhere online between vulnerability
[103:01] and and growth. Yeah. And vulnerability
[103:04] is a risk for a lot of people. It's
[103:06] always felt like a risk for me. So,
[103:08] vulnerability comes from the Latin word
[103:10] vulnerare, to wound.
[103:12] To wound? Yeah, that's vulnerare, to
[103:14] wound. And so,
[103:17] as human beings or as any living
[103:20] creature, we're all profoundly
[103:21] vulnerable.
[103:23] From the moment that we're conceived to
[103:25] the moment we die,
[103:27] we can be wounded. We can be wounded
[103:29] physically, we can be wounded
[103:30] emotionally. That's just a given.
[103:33] Um
[103:34] when children are
[103:37] safe and seen and understood,
[103:41] they can accept their vulnerability cuz
[103:43] they have the confidence that they can
[103:46] um deal with it.
[103:48] But when children are traumatized or um
[103:50] not understood, not seen,
[103:54] the vulner- and they're alone
[103:56] emotionally, the vulnerability becomes
[103:57] too painful to bear.
[103:59] So, we shut down our sense of
[104:01] vulnerability in order not to feel the
[104:04] pain.
[104:05] But when you look at life, nothing grows
[104:07] without vulnerability. So, a tree
[104:09] doesn't grow where it's hard and thick,
[104:11] does it? It goes where it's tender and
[104:13] soft and there's these shoots that are
[104:15] very vulnerable. They can be eaten by
[104:16] animals or insects.
[104:18] A a crustacean animal like a crab
[104:22] cannot grow inside a hard shell.
[104:25] What does it have to do when it needs to
[104:26] grow? It molts
[104:29] and becomes this soft creature that's
[104:31] very vulnerable. But without that
[104:33] vulnerability, there's no growth.
[104:35] Without emotional vulnerability,
[104:37] there's also no growth. And so much of
[104:39] our culture
[104:40] is designed to deny vulnerability and to
[104:43] shut it down or to somehow distract
[104:46] ourselves from it. And what's the cost?
[104:49] And the cost is that we we stay immature
[104:52] and that we lose ourselves.
[104:54] That's what the cost is. So, I also
[104:56] think vulnerability is the is And I've
[104:58] just learned this from doing this
[104:59] podcast that vulnerability is a great
[105:01] connector. Yeah. When I much of the
[105:03] reason why I have good conversations on
[105:05] this podcast, I think it's because I'm
[105:07] willing to be open myself. Yeah.
[105:09] Which which then allows your client your
[105:11] your your your guest the safety to
[105:14] open up themselves.
[105:15] And in your personal life with your
[105:17] friends, I mean, what's more I mean, you
[105:19] can talk about
[105:21] the scandal of Newcastle beating
[105:23] Manchester City in the
[105:26] in some game recently by one to nothing.
[105:29] Which is not I don't say to talk about
[105:31] it if that's interesting to you, but
[105:33] which is more meaningful to you?
[105:35] That or when you actually share
[105:37] Share your struggle. that you struggle
[105:39] in your what's going on for you. I mean,
[105:41] there's
[105:42] no contest.
[105:43] But so much of this culture
[105:45] is designed to distract ourselves from
[105:48] our vulnerability.
[105:54] Okay, but we have a closing tradition on
[105:55] this podcast where the last guest leaves
[105:57] a question for the next guest not
[105:58] knowing who they're going to leave it
[105:59] for. Yeah. Question that's been left for
[106:01] you, it's quite a long one.
[106:02] Um
[106:04] Today is your last day on Earth. Yeah.
[106:09] You're allowed to make two phone calls.
[106:13] One phone call
[106:15] to the person you love the most and the
[106:17] second phone call
[106:19] to the entire world.
[106:22] What do you say on both of those phone
[106:24] calls?
[106:33] What John Lennon sang all those years
[106:34] ago. All you need is love.
[106:39] And the phone call to the person you
[106:40] love the most?
[106:43] To the person I love the most, I don't
[106:45] have to say anything at all.
[106:49] Why?
[106:50] Cuz she knows.
[106:55] But if you were calling her on that last
[106:57] day,
[106:58] I'd say thank you.
[107:00] What for?
[107:02] For everything.
[107:04] And uh
[107:05] you know what? I may even say that to
[107:07] the world.
[107:08] I may even say thank you, you know, I
[107:10] mean, for um
[107:13] for all the struggles and the travails
[107:14] and troubles and tribulations of
[107:17] childhood and adulthood and parenting
[107:20] and career and all this.
[107:23] Thank you.
[107:24] You You've given me so much.
[107:27] That's what I would say.
[107:29] You know, I mean, if if I wasn't giving
[107:30] advice,
[107:32] which is all you need is love, which is
[107:33] advice. No, forget that. I'd say I'd
[107:35] just say thank you.
[107:37] How do you want to be remembered?
[107:41] As somebody who did his best to make a
[107:42] difference.
[107:49] And who made a difference.
[107:51] Which I know I have, by the way. So,
[107:54] um not that everybody agrees with me,
[107:56] but I also know I've made a difference.
[107:58] What difference do you think you've
[107:59] made?
[108:01] How How to say this without sounding
[108:04] egotistical? Um
[108:08] But I get so many messages from around
[108:09] the world. I mean, literally from around
[108:11] the world.
[108:12] That reading my books has transformed
[108:14] people's relationship to themselves, to
[108:16] make them understand themselves.
[108:18] Um
[108:19] I think um
[108:20] I mentioned maybe in a different
[108:22] interview that
[108:23] the best
[108:25] review I ever had of The Myth of Normal
[108:27] was that um
[108:29] some young guy said to me, "Thank you. I
[108:31] read that book and I remembered myself."
[108:34] So, um
[108:35] my work
[108:37] for those who are open to it, really
[108:39] helps to connect them to themselves and
[108:41] to see themselves clearly.
[108:43] And that's that's a gift.
[108:45] In a world where it's increasingly hard
[108:46] to see who you really are. Yeah, and
[108:48] it's hard for people to see themselves.
[108:50] And so, people don't see themselves as
[108:52] broken or as ir- irretrievably damaged,
[108:55] but actually they can begin to see their
[108:57] capacity for wholeness, which
[108:59] incidentally is the root of the word
[109:01] health, is wholeness. And uh so, um
[109:06] that's the difference I'm I'm making is
[109:09] that people can see themselves not as
[109:11] broken and damaged, but there's actually
[109:14] fundamentally whole with some stuff to
[109:16] work through. That's it.
[109:18] We can learn so much from children,
[109:20] can't we? So much of your work brings us
[109:21] back to the first nature as you describe
[109:23] it of children. Yeah. Well,
[109:27] a lot of parents will tell you and
[109:29] you'll find out is that the greatest
[109:31] teachers are your are your children, if
[109:33] you're willing to learn.
[109:37] Gabor, thank you. Thank you so much. I
[109:40] it's a difficult question to ask someone
[109:42] else about the impact they've made on
[109:43] the world, but I but even what you said
[109:44] I think is a huge understatement because
[109:47] the people that I know close to me, like
[109:49] my partner, who
[109:51] like my partner, who
[109:53] just I mean, her life I think has been
[109:58] changed personally, but also
[109:59] professionally. Much of the reason she
[110:01] does the work she does, she's the reason
[110:03] why she's not here to meet you cuz she
[110:04] would have fly she would have got on the
[110:05] next flight to fly here is because she's
[110:07] doing a retreat in the south of France
[110:08] with a big group of women. Much of the
[110:10] work she does there is built on the work
[110:12] that you've
[110:14] written about in your books and taught
[110:15] online.
[110:16] So, not only have you impacted people
[110:18] personally, but you've impacted the next
[110:20] generation of teachers
[110:23] and therapists.
[110:25] Um which is going to be a generational
[110:27] It's like a domino's effect. It's It was
[110:29] counteracting the generational trauma is
[110:31] the generational healing
[110:33] that has come about because of people
[110:34] like you um who are wizards in our
[110:36] culture and that are willing in the face
[110:38] of often great um you know,
[110:41] adversaries who take a different stance
[110:44] to persist with truth.
[110:46] Well, thank you. And And one of the
[110:47] things that most en- enlighten me is
[110:50] that when I go about London or any city
[110:52] in the world just about these days, it's
[110:54] all kinds of young people coming up to
[110:55] me thanking me. It's not people my I
[110:56] mean,
[110:57] people of all ages, but I'm just so
[110:59] enthused by how young generations, like
[111:02] people one quarter my age, are coming up
[111:05] to me to thank me. Well, that shows me
[111:06] that it's making a difference. 100%. If
[111:08] she could have been here now, she was so
[111:10] annoyed. She realized she'd booked a
[111:12] retreat on the same day that you were
[111:13] coming to to London cuz you didn't get
[111:15] to meet you last time cuz she was in
[111:16] Bali, so Oh, well, some other time.
[111:18] She'll be watching this, trust me. She's
[111:20] probably watching live right now. But
[111:22] But thank you so much, Gabor, again for
[111:23] your generosity and your wisdom. It's
[111:24] changed my life and it continues to
[111:25] change many other people that are
[111:27] listening to this but all around the
[111:28] world. So, thank you. Thanks so much.
[111:33] As you guys may know, this podcast is
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