Bratton Prescribes 20-Minute Stimulation to Bridge Intimacy Gap

布拉顿建议20分钟刺激以弥合亲密差距 维持长期关系中的性欲需要在情感安全与刻意营造的新鲜感之间取得平衡，同时在性交前让阴蒂充分充血。 在本期节目中，亲密关系专家Susan Bratton详细剖析了改善伴侣间性健康、亲密感与沟通的实用策略。她详述了应对早泄的“ME呼吸法”（ME Breath）、女性充分勃起所需的20分钟刺激，以及提升唤起程度的“愉悦方案”（Pleasure Protocol）等切实可行的技巧。此外，Bratton还探讨了克服性创伤、应对非一夫一妻制、性冲动与性欲望的区别，以及通过平衡安全感与新鲜感来长期维持欲望的重要性。 对性方面新想法的排斥或嘲讽通常源于恐惧和认知匮乏而非恶意，性玩具应被重新定义为实用的愉悦工具。 (54:16) 在长期关系中维持性欲，需要在安全感（情感信任）与新鲜感（多样性）之间保持持续的平衡。 (57:04) ME呼吸法（挤压、呼吸、抽动）有助于男性应对表现焦虑和早泄，从而实现对射精的自主控制。 (60:00) 由于内部勃起组织的体积原因，女性通常需要约20分钟的持续刺激才能实现阴蒂的完全勃起。 (70:47) 扩展型高潮是指在完全充血的组织上进行轻柔触碰，从而带来持续10至30分钟以上、层层递进的高潮波浪。 (73:45)

Intimacy educator Susan Bratton argues that overcoming sexual dissatisfaction and bridging the "orgasm gap" requires couples to replace performative, rushed intercourse with anatomical knowledge, slow arousal practices, and an intentional balance between emotional safety and novelty. Anatomical Realities and the 20-Minute Engorgement Window (70:47) Bratton points out that while men typically achieve an erection within minutes from visual stimuli, female anatomy contains the exact same volume of erectile tissue distributed differently around the vulva, clitoris, and vaginal canal. Because of this complex internal configuration, Bratton asserts that it takes roughly 15 to 20 minutes of steady stimulation and deep relaxation for female tissue to fully engorge into an erection. Rushing into intercourse before this occurs leaves tissue unaroused, reducing sensory signals to the brain and often leading women to mistakenly believe they cannot climax from penetrative sex. Dismantling Performance Pressure and Cultivating Safety (43:08) Long-term relationships often degrade into platonic dynamics or duty-driven "mercy sex" when exhaustion, stress, and guilt displace intimacy. Bratton explains that stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline directly inhibit arousal, making non-demanding touch essential. Instead of pushing for penetrative sex, she advocates for pressure-free holding to stimulate oxytocin release, coupled with structured agreements like the "Sexual Soulmate Pact." In this framework, partners transparently express their emotional state—whether they require gentle comforting ("kitty cat" state) or passionate pursuit ("lioness" state)—and employ low-stakes offers like backrubs or foot care where intercourse is explicitly taken off the table. Expanding Pleasuring Techniques and Overcoming Performance Anxiety (61:53) Bratton rejects the traditional 1960s Masters and Johnson model of a single climactic peak, claiming human bodies are capable of experiencing over 20 distinct types of orgasms, including extended and expanded "quantum gasms." To broaden physical pleasure, she emphasizes reverential external touch, termed "yoni massage," and the use of broad surface lay-on tools to stimulate erectile roots before penetration. For men dealing with premature ejaculation—which she notes affects one in four men across all age demographics—she outlines the "ME Breath" (pubococcygeal muscle squeeze, cool draw breath, and fluid pelvic rocking) to shift out of high-tension thrusting and achieve conscious ejaculatory control. Balancing Emotional Security with Erotic Novelty (46:47) Citing author Dossie Easton's formula that safety plus variety equals desire, Bratton and host Steven Bartlett explain that lasting sexual interest requires managing both comfort and unpredictability. While deep trust provides the necessary foundation, excessive routine smothers desire. To systematically reintroduce novelty without provoking anxiety, Bratton suggests scheduling "erotic playdates" using a three-tier "Sex Life Bucket List" (A-list for mutual enthusiasm, B-list for partner exploration, and C-list for current boundaries). She also advocates for "orgasmic cross-training," where couples preserve familiar sexual routines while layering in new sensory elements such as botanical arousal oils, breast massage, or sensory tools. Bratton and Bartlett emphasize that sexual compatibility is cultivated through practice, proactive couples therapy, and open communication rather than innate compatibility. While physiological adjustments and novelty tools can restore physical connection, addressing persistent trauma, desire discrepancies, and emotional disconnects requires mutual vulnerability and consistent incremental effort over time.

亲密关系专家 Susan Bratton 认为，长期伴侣间的性生活困境多源于解剖学认知的匮乏与错误的性期望；通过掌握女性唤起所需的生理节奏、消除表现焦虑并在安全感与新鲜感之间取得平衡，伴侣能够突破机械式性爱并释放深层潜能。 生理结构与女性唤起的20分钟充血法则 (70:47) Bratton 指出男女勃起机制在时间轴上存在显著不对称：男性阴茎充血通常只需一至两分钟，而女性体内实际上分布着等量的海绵体勃起组织。该组织包裹在阴道、尿道周围，且 G 点在解剖学上是一条长管状结构而非单一斑点，整体呈泪滴状网络向体内延伸出分支。由于这种内部几何构造，女性通常需要大约 20 分钟持续的刺激与放松，才能达到完全的阴蒂和外阴充血。 若在未充分充血的情况下直接进入实质性交，未唤起的组织无法向大脑——人体最大的性器官——传递强烈的神经信号，这是导致许多女性无法在交媾中获得高潮的主因。Bratton 强调主流色情片和影视文化中忽视前戏的快节奏误导了大众，倡导伴侣采用以尊重为核心的 Yoni 按摩，并利用大面积覆盖外阴的脉冲贴合式玩具（如 Pulse Queen、The Vibe）充分促进局部血液循环，以技术弥合高潮差距。 卸除交媾压力：灵魂伴侣公约与减压仪式 (43:08) 针对长期关系因育儿压力和琐事导致的亲密疏离，Bratton 主张通过去交媾化的接触打破僵局。她提出“性灵魂伴侣公约”（Sexual Soulmate Pact），鼓励伴侣无评判地表达自身需求状态：究竟是需要温柔安抚、释放日常疲劳的“小猫状态”（Kitty Cat），还是渴望热烈激情的“母狮状态”（Lioness）。在高压力状态下，人体皮质醇激增，而无插入预期的纯粹拥抱能够激发催产素释放，成为拮抗压力激素的生理途径。 为了给唤起节奏较慢的一方提供安全空间，Bratton 建议伴侣提供低压力的“微型关怀方案”，例如分担家务、点燃香氛并承诺不进行实质性交的背部按摩，使神经系统自然接地。此外，针对伴侣因害怕尴尬而陷入的沉默，她推行包含 48 项探索构想的“性生活愿望清单”，分为立刻尝试（A）、愿意为对方尝试（B）和暂不考虑（C），践行“安全感加多样性等于欲望”的平衡法则。 克服男性表现焦虑与ME呼吸控制法 (61:53) 针对各年龄段约 25% 男性面临的早泄与表现焦虑问题，Bratton 与专家 Jim Benson 合作开发了“ME 呼吸”（ME Breath）训练协议，旨在帮助男性打破早年因匆忙自慰建立的反射弧，掌握自主选择射精时机的“射精自主权”。焦虑往往由于过度关注自身表现或对方反应引起，而急躁的抽动反而会加速临界反应。 该协议包含三项协同技术：一是收缩骨盆底耻尾肌（PC 肌）以控制兴奋能量的上升；二是借鉴道家理念的“清凉吸气”（Cool Draw），通过深长吸气将下焦的冲动向上引流以缓解高潮张力；三是用平稳流动的骨盆摆动（Pelvic Rocking）取代高强度的机械式活塞抽送。通过在独处或前戏中反复练习，男性可以学会像踩油门和刹车一样调节自身兴奋度，同时让女性感受更细腻的接触。 打破机械化局限：扩展高潮与感官交叉训练 (73:45) Bratton 批判了 Masters 和 Johnson 在 1960 年代建立的单次登顶即结束的性反应模型，指出强求爆发性快感容易导致神经系统过度刺激而产生触觉麻木。她提出女性高潮谱系涵盖超过 20 种形式，包含乳头高潮、延长高潮（Extended Orgasm）以及如同逐级冲浪般、可在轻柔触碰下持续 10 至 30 分钟以上的“扩展高潮”（Expanded Orgasm / Quantum Gasm），甚至能带来超验的精神体验。 对于性生活陷入固定日期和姿势的伴侣，Bratton 解释这通常是因为当事人仅掌握单一的高潮途径而借由掌控来抵御焦虑。打破该局限的策略并非直接推翻旧模式，而是实施“高潮交叉训练”（Orgasmic Cross-Training）：在熟悉的流程中引入新的触觉体验，例如使用双振动阴茎环兼顾男性会阴与女性阴蒂刺激、佩戴防滑的指戴式震动器 The Digit，或采用植物精油三步法（可可脂 CBD 润滑融珠、Awaken 局部唤起油及背靠式胸部按摩仪式），以扩展大脑的神经愉悦通路。 从防御解离到激进诚实：创伤修复与关系进化 (6:41) Bratton 回顾了自身在硅谷担任科技高管时期的经历，坦言曾因童年创伤而在性生活中习惯性产生“解离”（Dissociation）防御机制，导致前 12 年婚姻陷入无高潮和出于内疚履行的“恩赐性爱”（Mercy Sex）。她通过系统梳理创伤清单、躯体疗法和专业沟通，重新找回了身体主权。在面对丈夫出轨险些分居的转折点上，二人选择共同接受坦特罗（Tantra）等亲密工坊培训，成功挽救并深化了婚姻。 在重建信任的过程中，他们践行了 Brad Blanton 提出的“激进诚实”（Radical Honesty）原则，以毫无掩饰且充满关爱的方式沟通真实需求与边界。随后，二人维系了长达二十余年的知情同意非一夫一妻制与关系无政府主义探索。Bratton 强调，任何深入的情欲探索都必须以严格的健康安全为前提，包括坚持进行性传播感染（STI）检测；面对严重的欲望失调，伴侣应当主动寻求专业性心理咨询而非轻言放弃。 Susan Bratton 强调性能力是一项可通过解剖学认知、身体觉察与坦诚沟通持续习得的技能，而非不可改变的天赋。然而，该讨论主要建立在其个人咨询经验、特定商业产品使用体验及开放式关系实践之上；对于伴有器质性病变或复杂心理创伤的个体，其实际应用效果仍须结合临床医学与心理治疗的专业评估。

## Background 本视频由 YouTube 频道《The Diary Of A CEO》于 2024 年 12 月 5 日发布，主持人为斯蒂芬·巴特利特（Steven Bartlett）。视频主页简介介绍，嘉宾苏珊·布拉顿（Susan Bratton）是一位知名关系与亲密关系专家、‘The 20’和‘Personal Life Media’的 CEO，同时也是 34 本畅销书的作者；本期节目旨在探讨如何在性爱前进行 20 分钟准备以彻底重塑性生活体验。 ## TL;DR 节目中，苏珊·布拉顿深入拆解了超过 20 种不同类型的高潮机制、阴蒂与海绵体充血的生理原理，以及唤醒女性快感的“20 分钟前戏”与愉悦方案。她分享了自己从硅谷科技高管转型为性学专家的传奇历程，坦诚讲述了如何克服童年性创伤、走出无性婚姻困境，并尝试开放式关系的经验。此外，针对观众提出的早泄、房事机械化、亲密感流失和情趣用品使用等现实痛点，苏珊与主持人共同探讨了消除性压迫与羞耻感的方法，提出了“安全感 + 新鲜感 = 欲望”的亲密关系维系法则。 ## Atmosphere & style 整场访谈氛围极其坦诚、包容且充满启发性，既有严肃科学的解剖学拆解，又有温馨感人的私人故事分享。主持人斯蒂芬与嘉宾苏珊之间的互动自然流畅，打破了传统社会对性话题的污名化与禁忌感，将原本尴尬隐秘的谈话转化为一场正念、治愈且富有操作性的深层心灵对话。 ## Key takeaways - [00:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=0s) 大多数人对性高潮的认知受限于色情片与传统观念，实际上女性可以体验超过 20 种不同类型的高潮，但需要掌握科学的身体机制与卧室沟通技巧。 - [04:57](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=297s) 在寻求性生活帮助时，质量远比数量重要；女性最常表达性欲丧失与自责，男性则常困扰于勃起功能障碍、阴茎尺寸及欲望羞耻感。 - [08:35](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=515s) 童年或早期的性创伤容易导致卧室中的“抽离（Dissociation）”现象，彻底疗愈创伤需要言语治疗与躯体释放（Somatic release）相结合。 - [12:38](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=758s) 传统将性划分为“前戏”与“正戏”的二分法源于禁欲观念；应消除“必须发生插入式性交”的压力，并摒弃无功的“施舍性行为（Mercy sex）”。 - [20:34](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=1234s) 性爱中的“白金法则”强调按照伴侣希望被对待的方式去对待对方，而不是将自己的喜好强加给对方。 - [24:15](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=1455s) 坦白外遇并不一定意味着婚姻破裂，建立在“绝对坦诚（Radical Honesty）”基础上的沟通可以成为挽救伴侣关系、重新建立信任与边界的契机。 - [39:41](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=2381s) 女性慢热的神经系统通常需要 20 到 30 分钟的前戏与充血过程才能实现完全的“阴蒂勃起”，性爱应被视为一种正念练习以减少身体形象焦虑。 - [50:30](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=3030s) 维持长久性渴望的核心公式是“安全感 + 新鲜感（Safety + Novelty/Variety = Desire）”；可通过“情色约会”和“性生活愿望清单”突破机械化的例行公事。 - [01:01:53](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=3713s) 男性射精过快或表现焦虑非常普遍，可通过结合 PC 肌收缩、冷吸气与骨盆摇摆律动的“自我呼吸法（Me Breath）”获得射精选择权。 - [01:07:26](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=4046s) 引入“贴合式情趣工具”并结合“Yoni 按摩”，能够有效激活阴部结构中的神经末梢与海绵体充血，提升整体愉悦感。 - [01:13:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=4425s) “扩展高潮/量子高潮”能将高潮状态延伸数十分钟，需要伴侣放慢速度、减轻触感，引导身体体验平稳的多重高潮巨浪。 - [01:22:17](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=4937s) “愉悦方案”三部曲结合了植物栓剂、唤醒高潮油和乳房护理油，能通过多感官唤醒神经末梢，将麻木与疼痛转变为愉悦。 - [01:29:59](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=5399s) 性健康包含性欲（Libido，代表整体健康）、渴望（Desire，关乎自我认同）与唤起（Arousal，生理充血机制）三个不同维度。 - [01:36:24](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=5784s) 绝大多数主流色情片存在贬低女性和夸大机械摩擦的问题；非色情片辅助的自慰以及智能情趣用品更适合探索生理快感。 - [01:40:52](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=6052s) 在探索多元性关系或引入新伴侣前，必须将定期进行 STI 检测作为不可逾越的安全红线。 - [01:43:22](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=6202s) 在决定离开一段感情前应积极寻求专业性治疗师或伴侣咨询；而在人生中应当“全力以赴（Play full out）”，绝不为了迎合他人而收敛光芒。 ## Detailed walkthrough ### [00:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=0s) 序言与二十多种高潮的秘密 对绝大多数人而言，性的可能范围远远超出了常人的认知。世界上实际上存在超过 20 种不同类型的性高潮，但大众受限于传统的观念与色情片（Porn）中失真的表演，对真实的欢愉技巧知之甚少。苏珊·布拉顿（Susan Bratton）作为世界知名的性专家及 30 多本书籍与课程的畅销书作家，二十多年来一直致力于帮助数百万人掌握卧室沟通、身体愉悦技巧并释放真实的性潜能。 苏珊分享道，她在结婚 12 年时，虽然与丈夫拥有极其成功的科技事业、漂亮的住宅和可爱的女儿，却从未在性交（Intercourse）中获得过高潮。当时他们都以为是苏珊的身体出了问题。直到他们掌握了科学且具体的技巧，夫妻之间的性生活才被重新点燃。在本期节目中，苏珊不仅展示了全新的性爱辅具，还与主持人斯蒂芬·巴特利特（Steven Bartlett）一同拆解了由观众提出的各种真实性爱困惑。 - **高潮的多样性**：大多数男性认为高潮只有一种或两种，而女性虽然隐约意识到不止一两种，但也极少有人知道女性可以体验超过 20 种不同的高潮。 - **频道的订阅承诺**：节目开始前，主持人斯蒂芬指出听众中有 53% 尚未订阅频道，并诚恳呼吁大家点击订阅，以支持团队持续带来更优质的访谈内容。 --- ### [02:04](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=124s) 激情连接与拯救陷入困境的性生活 苏珊将自己的职业核心定义为“讲授充满激情的做爱技巧”。她通过出版图书、音视频课程，传播一种“心灵相通、有意识且充满激情”的做爱方式。这种方式与冰冷的“交易型性行为（Transactional sex）”或模仿色情片的机械动作截然不同。 当有人因性生活不尽如人意而向她求助时，苏珊并不会像传统心理 Therapist 那样花无数时间去挖掘童年创伤，而是从**愿景与需求**入手。她会询问对方目前的性生活现状是什么、心中理想的图景是怎样的。很多女性会因为性生活匆忙、敷衍而怀疑自己是否是“无性恋（Asexual）”或身体有缺陷。苏珊的作用是提供实用的卧室沟通技巧，帮助人们自信地表达欲望，并让伴侣乐于满足这些需求，同时传授身体运作的生理机制与多元的抚慰技巧。 - **女性的常见困惑**：常误以为自己身体“坏掉了”或天生缺乏性冲动，实际上往往是因为缺乏正确的技巧与沟通。 - **沟通与愉悦的双轮驱动**：打破性信息的审查与封禁，让人们理解沟通与身体欢愉技巧是开启全新性生活体验的两大钥匙。 --- ### [04:57](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=297s) 男女在性生活咨询中最常见的痛点 通过长期的咨询与信件反馈，苏珊总结了男性和女性在面临性困扰时截然不同的核心关切。 ``` ┌─────────────────────────┐ │ 性生活困扰与咨询焦点 │ └────────────┬────────────┘ │ ┌─────────────────────┴─────────────────────┐ ▼ ▼ 【女性最常见信件】 【男性最常见信件】 · 性欲丧失 (Libido gone) · 性生物黑客 / 勃起功能障 (ED) · 内疚感与自责 (Guilt/Bad) · 阴茎尺寸 / 阴茎增粗 (Enhancement) · 感到不开心与未获满足 · 渴望的羞耻感与伴侣协调困境 ``` 无论是男性还是女性，来信的最终目的都是为了“修复问题（Fixing things）”。苏珊强调，在探讨性生活时，**质量（Quality）远比数量（Quantity）更重要**。只有先修复并提升了性生活的质量，性爱的频率和数量自然会随之增加。 - **女性信件焦点**：“我的性欲消失了”、“我觉得很对不起伴侣”、“我是不是不正常”。 - **男性信件焦点**：涵盖性生物黑客（Sexual biohacking）、勃起功能障碍（ED）、阴茎增大增强等生理疑虑；其次是对自身某种欲望感到羞耻，或因伴侣无法配合而感到沮丧。 --- ### [06:41](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=401s) 从矽谷精英到性学专家的转型之路 苏珊迈入性学领域的经历十分传奇。她并非出身于传统的心理学或医学专业，而是在 **42 岁** 那年才开启了自己的性拓展（Sexual expansion）之旅，并随后创立了自己的公司。 在进入性学领域之前，苏珊和她的丈夫提姆（Sir Tim）是硅谷极其成功的科技高管。提姆是音乐流媒体先驱 Rhapsody（被称为 Spotify 的鼻祖）的发明者，两人在硅谷经历了公司上市，生活优渥，住在俯瞰整个硅谷的豪宅里。然而，结婚 12 年后，他们的夫妻生活却陷入了无性状态。尽管提姆一直在尝试，但苏珊在长达 12 年的夫妻性交中从未获得过高潮（尽管她可以使用震动棒获得高潮）。这种长期的挫败感导致苏珊开始在身体和心理上刻意规避与丈夫发生性关系。 - **结婚时间与背景**：苏珊与丈夫提姆相伴至今已 33 年，在结婚第 12 年时性生活陷入低谷。 - **早年的性创伤**：苏珊在童年时期曾遭受过性创伤（Sexual trauma）。她指出，无论是显性的身体虐待还是隐性的性压抑，绝大多数人在成长过程中都经历过不同程度的性创伤。 --- ### [08:35](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=515s) 走出性创伤与性爱中的“抽离”现象 谈及童年的创伤，苏珊表示，这段经历让她深刻意识到自己的灵魂核心与个人主权（Sovereignty）是任何外部力量都无法夺走的。要从创伤中彻底痊愈，既需要**言语治疗（Talk therapy）与共情**，也需要**躯体释放（Somatic release，即身体层面的紧张释放）**。有时，一个人最大的创伤往往会转化为他生命中最宝贵的礼物。 然而，创伤在卧室中留下的最大后遗症就是“抽离（Dissociation）”。 > "如果你在情感上离开了现场，只是身体停留在那里，你根本无法获得那种心灵上的连接……你无法在爱人身上找到属于你的人性，也无法通过这种连接触及灵魂的源泉。" --- ### [09:52](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=592s) 什么是“抽离”以及如何重燃激情？ 所谓“抽离（Dissociation）”，是指一个人在进行性行为时，身体在配合动作，但内心却完全“下线（Check out）”。这是大脑为了防止再次受到伤害而采取的一种自我保护机制。当苏珊意识到自己一直在卧室中采取抽离态度后，丈夫提姆开始耐心地引导她回到当下、回到两人之间。 为了拯救婚姻与性生活，他们不再止步于常规的心理咨询，而是开始参加各种前沿的性爱工作坊（Sex workshops）。他们学习了密宗（Tantra）、人类意识研究所（HAI）的性与亲密关系课程、恍惚之爱（Ecstatic loving）以及高潮冥想（Orgasmic meditation）等。掌握了具体的身体技巧后，他们的性生活瞬间被点燃了。 苏珊意识到，几乎所有人都是“盲人摸象”，因为社会、电影和色情片中充斥着父权制、宗教压抑式的性模式，从未展示过以女性为中心、充满心灵连接、缓慢且富有极乐感（Blissful）的做爱方式。基于他们在互联网技术领域的背景（当时提姆在网络上传播 MP3，苏珊在传播视频），他们决定将这些实用的做爱技巧和高潮课程搬到互联网上，让全世界的人都能在私密、安全的环境下学习。 - **性工作坊的门槛**：线下工作坊不仅费用昂贵、行程受限，而且要在一个房间里当着其他陌生人的面脱光衣服进行实操，对绝大多数人来说极具挑战且令人恐惧。 - **线上面向大众**：通过互联网提供高潮技巧、沟通方法与身体解剖知识，让普通人在家中就能打破认知局限。 --- ### [12:38](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=758s) 杠杆原理：打破“高潮鸿沟”与无功的“施舍性行为” 在性生活最低谷的时期，苏珊与提姆的性爱体验极其匮乏。刚在一起时虽有“新关系能量（New relationship energy）”，但随后就沦为了苏珊所形容的“摸个胸就直接插进去（Grab a boob and stick it in）”的机械式性交。 苏珊提出了一个著名的比喻——**“小枢轴撬动大铁门（A little hinge that swings a big door）”**。性爱就像杠杆，只要掌握了关键的身体机制与技巧，就能轻松开启全新的愉悦大门。许多女性认为自己“坏掉了”、无法通过性交获得高潮，而丈夫也无可奈何；但苏珊强调，只要跨越“高潮鸿沟（Gasm chasm）”，女性完全可以通过性交享受高潮。 此外，苏珊猛烈抨击了传统观念中将性划分为“前戏（Foreplay）”和“正戏（Sex）”的做法。她认为这种二分法源于宗教中“性仅为了繁衍”的压抑思想。实际上，**性涵盖了一切**：热烈的拥抱亲吻、身体的摩擦、赞美与倾慕的言语、漫长的吻、温柔的抚摸、口部抚慰、玩具互动、更换地点，甚至是事后一起观看记录并分享最喜欢的时刻。 在最糟糕的时期，苏珊为了不让丈夫感到沮丧，每隔一周或 10 天就会强迫自己进行一次她称之为**“施舍性行为（Mercy sex）”**的应付式性爱。这让她内心充满内疚，而提姆甚至一度怀疑苏珊是不是变成了同性恋。 - **《重燃她的性欲》（Revive Her Drive）课程**：苏珊早期编写的这一课程表面上是卖给男性用来“修复妻子”的，但男人们买回去后才发现，真正被改变的是他们自己——他们学会了不再把妻子当成男人对待，而是去理解女性身体真正的需求。 - **创伤疗愈之路**：苏珊通过结合性创伤专科 Therapist、环形沟通法（Circling method）以及躯体疗法（Somatic therapy），快速治愈了自己的心理创伤，从而真正重新拥抱了性爱的美好。 ### [18:15](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=1095s) 穿越困境的心理韧性与疗愈方法 Susan Bratton 谈到了自己在面对生活困境时的心理适应力。她表示自己具备极高的“行为灵活性”，对未知、跨越鸿沟以及各种不确定性感到非常自如。这种性格很大程度上源于她在硅谷成长的经历——在硅谷，变化是唯一的常态，这种环境赋予了她极强的应变能力。此外，她提到许多人在面对创伤时会受到基因（如血清素通路相关基因片段）的影响，导致每次回忆创伤都像撕开新鲜的伤口一样剧烈痛苦，而她自己并没有这种基因倾向，因此更容易从创伤中走出。 在克服过去性创伤的过程中，她分享了一个对她至关重要的治疗环节：治疗师让她把从小到大经历过的所有性创伤、不公、挫折、伤害和痛苦无一遗漏地全部记录下来。尽管她最初担心回忆这些细节会让自己“病倒”，但治疗师鼓励她将其表达出来，并在下一次咨询中亲眼见证她的经历。 > “治疗师对我说：‘不要担心，把它们全写出来。我想听你亲口告诉我每一个细节，我想作为见证者，了解你所经历的一切，然后我们将把这一切彻底抛在脑后。’” 这种被完全倾听和见证的过程，让她终于走出了创伤。不过她也强调，这种方法并不适用于所有人，不同的人需要不同的心理治疗方案。她明确表示自己并非心理医生，她的核心领域是“如何拥有激情四射的性生活”，而克服自身的创伤只是她深入探索这一领域的起点。 * **基因与创伤反应**：特定基因片段（如影响血清素通路的基因）会导致部分人在回忆创伤时不断重新体验强烈的心理伤害。 * **书写疗愈法（Expressive Writing）**：通过毫无保留地列出所有痛苦经历，并在信任的治疗师面前表达，可以达到宣泄与接纳的效果。 * **专业定位**：Susan Bratton 明确区分了“心理治疗”与“性生活指导”，她的专注点在于帮助人们提升性爱质量与情感联结。 --- ### [20:34](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=1234s) 认清婚姻问题与“性不公”的本质 当被问及当初是如何意识到自己的婚姻和性生活需要修复时，Susan Bratton 回忆道，当时她和丈夫 Tim 都觉得是她身上出了某种“问题”，于是决定寻求心理咨询。在治疗过程中，当治疗师询问他们的性生活状况时，她讲述了自己的遭遇。治疗师迅速指出，问题的根源在于她过往经历的性创伤与不公。她坦言，自己的经历在女性中非常普遍，她并没有什么特殊之处，唯一的不同在于她敢于公开讨论这些许多人感到羞耻的话题。 在解释什么是“性不公”（sexual injustice）与性创伤时，她列举了多种常见的形式，包括生理知识的匮乏、对性器官的无知、性耻感以及来自家庭的压抑。许多人在成长过程中，父母从未与他们探讨过性，也从未展示过夫妻间的亲密感，导致他们在冷漠、压抑的家庭氛围中长大，进而影响了成年后的性生活。 > “你的父母已经尽了他们最大的努力。他们当时可能也什么都不懂，甚至自己都还像个孩子。你的性生活和性观念是你自己的责任，而不是你父母的责任。” 她指出，知识的匮乏会导致恐惧，而“恐惧是愉悦的最大敌人”。一旦放弃受害者心态，像对待职业生涯或家庭责任那样去主动学习性知识，人们就能摆脱创伤，开启探索愉悦的大门。此外，她提出了性爱中的“白金法则”（The Platinum Rule）：许多人在性爱中习惯遵循“黄金法则”（希望别人怎样对自己，就怎样对待别人），但真正的优质性爱需要遵循“白金法则”——**用伴侣希望被对待的方式去对待伴侣**，这就需要深刻理解男女在性唤起机制上的本质差异。 * **性耻感与压抑的来源**：缺乏家庭性教育、性认知偏差以及社会给性赋予的耻辱感是造成成年后性功能障碍的重要原因。 * **白金法则（Platinum Rule）**：性爱中不能将自己的喜好强加给伴侣，而应根据对方的身体机制和心理需求提供亲密体验。 --- ### [24:15](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=1455s) 挽救婚姻的转折点：从出轨到重新接纳 谈及婚姻中的低谷，Susan Bratton 讲述了丈夫 Tim 曾经出轨的往事。当时他们处于一段几乎无性的婚姻中，Tim 与另一位同样处于无性婚姻中的女性发生了关系。当 Tim 向她坦白时，她感到极度的羞耻，甚至自责没有做一个好妻子。但随着时间的推移，她重新审视了这件事，并对“出轨”有了不一样的理解。 她意识到，Tim 当时只是在试图应对痛苦，他依然爱她和整个家庭，他只是在寻求自己无法从妻子那里获得的愉悦与联结。她提到，通常情况下女性比男性更容易放弃自己的性需求。 > “当他发生外遇时，他所做的一切只是试图留在我们的婚姻里，不让自己陷入绝望。一旦我想通了这一点，意识到他并不是在伤害我，我甚至不再认为那是‘出轨’，我看到的是一个男人依然在努力保全婚姻。” 然而，坦白之初两人曾面临分居。她清晰地回忆起那个改变一切的瞬间：Tim 打包好了行李，开着车准备离开他们在硅谷的豪宅。当时正值互联网泡沫的黄金时期，事业蒸蒸日上，但婚姻却面临破裂。他们 6 岁的小女儿手里抓着带有软缎边框的安抚毯（blanket），一边用毯子蹭着嘴唇自我安慰，一边牵着她的手。当 Tim 停下车向她们挥手告别时，女儿看着车里的爸爸问：“你还会是我的爸爸吗？” 这句话瞬间击中了 Susan。她意识到自己深爱着这个男人，绝不能毁了女儿的童年。她立刻叫回了 Tim，两人决定共同面对和修复婚姻。他们开始接受心理治疗、参加性爱工作坊，仅仅几个月后，他们的性生活就迎来了翻天覆地的转变。 * **对外遇的重新认知**：在双方缺乏性知识和沟通的情况下，外遇有时是伴侣在无性婚姻中寻求情感与生理代偿的极端手段。 * **挽救婚姻的契机**：女儿的一句话让两人意识到彼此深厚的感情基础，促使他们通过寻求专业辅导和参加性爱工作坊重获新生。 --- ### [28:46](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=1726s) 探索开放式关系与“关系无政府主义” 在性生活质量获得巨大提升后，Susan Bratton 与 Tim 的关系迈入了新的阶段。由于两人在床上的体验变得极其美妙，他们决定探索非一夫一妻制（Non-Monogamy），并尝试与其他伴侣互动。至今，在他们 33 年的婚姻历程中，有超过 20 年的时间处于开放式关系（Open Relationship）状态。 她解释道，非一夫一妻制就像一棵大树，衍生出许多不同的分支，包括知情同意的非一夫一妻制（CNM/ENM）、多边恋（Polyamory）、换偶/换妻（Swinging/Lifestyles），以及她目前最喜欢的概念——**关系无政府主义（Relationship Anarchy）**。她指出，作为一名性学专家，如果自己只有过一个伴侣，那么知识和经验将会非常受限；而通过安全的实践，她从不同的伴侣身上获得了极其丰富的体验。 在探讨如何向伴侣提起开放式关系时，她分享了让他们受益匪浅的“绝对坦诚”（Radical Honesty）原则。在婚姻修复初期，一位从事 Brad Blanton（《绝对坦诚》一书作者）辅导工作的朋友建议他们放弃长达十几年的隐瞒与妥协，开始向对方说出最真实的想法。 > “当你真正开始尝试说实话时，你才会意识到不讲真话在我们的社会文化中根深蒂固到了什么程度。只要出于爱意去表达，真相不仅不会伤害人，反而极其美妙、令人兴奋且充满吸引力。” * **非一夫一妻制的树状形态**：包含伦理开放关系、多边恋、换偶以及关系无政府主义等多种形式。 * **绝对坦诚（Radical Honesty）**：建立在爱与尊重基础上的彻底坦诚，能够打破伴侣间的隔阂，建立深层的信任与边界感。 --- ### [34:02](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=2042s) 多边恋体验与提升亲密感的“赞美游戏” 在谈到如何具体开展多边恋与探索性体验时，Susan Bratton 分享了她在工作坊中的一段经历。在一个四人小组的触觉体验（Sensation Play）环节中，一个人躺下接受抚摸，另外三个人同时给予触觉刺激（如按摩脚部、抚摸头发、亲吻等），并同时进行“天使阵雨”（Angel Shower）——三人不断向接收者说出他们眼中对方最吸引人、最美好的特质。这种极致的爱意与赞美能够瞬间穿透人们的心理防御，让人真切地接纳自我。 受此启发，她和 Tim 创立并坚持了一个玩了几十年的亲密小游戏——“**关于你的三件爱事**”（Three Things I Love About You）。 > “每当我们准备开启一次亲密约会时，我都非常需要这种被爱和被欣赏的安全感。我会让 Tim 告诉我三件他爱我的事情，而我们的游戏规则是：几十年间，永远不能重复说过的理由。” 这种长期的正面强化不仅极大地巩固了他们的情感纽带，也为他们在开放关系中保持自信与互信奠定了坚实的基础。 * **天使阵雨（Angel Shower）**：通过群体多维度的身体触碰与言语赞美，帮助个体克服自卑与防御心理。 * **三件爱事游戏（Three Things I Love About You Game）**：伴侣间定期表达对对方的具体爱意，且每次理由不得重复，用以持续滋养情感并建立安全感。 <ElicitationsGroup message="如果您想进一步了解节目中探讨的亲密关系技巧，可以探索以下方向："> <Elicitation label="深入了解帮助伴侣建立信任的“绝对坦诚”沟通法则" query="请详细解释 Brad Blanton 的“绝对坦诚”（Radical Honesty）原则在伴侣沟通中的具体应用步骤和注意事项。"/> <Elicitation label="探索提升伴侣亲密感的实践练习与游戏" query="除了“三件爱事”游戏外，还有哪些行之有效的伴侣亲密感提升练习和沟通技巧？"/> </ElicitationsGroup> ### [36:13](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=2173s) 重拾亲密感：来自观众“伊莱扎”的婚姻困境 Steven Bartlett 在节目中展示了一段全新的观众互动环节，通过演员重演的方式隐去真实身份，呈现了观众“伊莱扎”（Eliza）面临的真实生活困境。伊莱扎是一名 40 多岁、育有两名幼女的母亲，她深感自己与伴侣之间产生了严重的疏离与断联。由于生活被工作、看医生等琐事填满，夫妻俩就像“夜间错过的两艘船”，日常对话仅限于“晚饭吃什么”或“孩子明天的日程安排”，完全失去了深层次的交流。伊莱扎无助地提问：当两人已经如此疏远时，该如何重新找回昔日的亲密感？ Susan Bratton 指出，这种现象在抚养子女的阶段极为常见。她将人的性生命力（sexuality）划分为几个不同的年龄阶段： * **20多岁：** 处于懵懂无知的探索期，一切充满新鲜与刺激； * **30多岁：** 处于生儿育女的高峰期，睡眠不足和育儿消耗让夫妻关系与性生活直线下滑； * **40多岁：** 突然意识到性生活的流失，开始想要“为性而战”，弥补过往的缺失； * **50多岁：** 产生“再不享受就老了”的紧迫感； * **60多岁及以上：** 发现自己依然充满活力，只要保养得当，晚年仍能享受高质量的性生活。 --- ### [39:41](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=2381s) 容貌焦虑与“身体失联”：性爱是一场正念练习 伊莱扎在视频中还表达了对身体变化的巨大焦虑：产后身体走样，甚至让她觉得“这不再是我自己的身体”，从而彻底失去了对自我的喜爱和自信。对此，Susan Bratton 从生理学角度进行了解释。她指出，雌激素（Estrogen）是一种“保护性分子”，由于在演化史中女性属于被捕食方、男性属于捕食者，雌激素会让女性保持高度警惕与挑剔，而这种挑剔往往会转化为内部的“挑剔自我”，导致严重的身体形象焦虑（body image issues）。 Susan 强调，绝大多数情况下，伴侣根本不会像女性自己那样嫌弃她的身体。相比之下，男性体内雄性激素（Testosterone）就像带了“玫瑰色眼镜”，赋予他们单轨专注的思维方式，甚至会让男性自我感觉过于良好（“他觉得自己比实际看起来更帅，而她觉得自己比实际看起来更差”）。 > "性爱其实是一种正念练习（mindfulness practice）。你只需要不断地把自己的注意力带回到连接上，带回到你的内心，带回到你的丈夫身边。没人关心你的身体到底长什么样，它不过是你 72 万亿个细胞的载体罢了。" * **对抗皮质醇：** 当女性处于压力、疲惫和高皮质醇（Cortisol）状态时，最需要的其实是通过高质量的高潮和伴侣的拥抱来纾解压力。 * **双方的困境：** 丈夫往往也因为工作重担而处于超负荷（overwhelm）状态，感到迷茫且缺乏重新连接的技能，并非不再爱妻子。 --- ### [43:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=2588s) 重塑连接的两大核心技术：《Sexual Soulmates》契约与无压拥抱 面对这种“夜间错过的两艘船”式的困境，Susan Bratton 提出了解决问题的“第一步”——无需复杂的谈话，先从**拥抱（holding each other）**开始。她介绍了自己畅销书《Sexual Soulmates》中的两个核心概念： 1. **“性魂伴侣契约”（Sexual Soulmate Pact）：** 双方达成默契，任何一方都可以坦诚表达需求与渴望，而另一方不会将其视为批评或指责，而是充满渴望地去聆听。无论自己今天想做需要被温柔呵护的“小猫咪”（kitty cat），还是希望被激情扑倒的“母狮子”（lioness），都可以安全地表达出来。 2. **产生催产素的肢体接触：** 拥抱能刺激身体释放催产素（Oxytocin），这是对抗育儿、工作和政治压力所产生的皮质醇的最佳解毒剂。 针对男性的操作指南，Susan 建议丈夫应该学会向妻子提供**“微小邀约菜单”（menu of small offers）**。例如，丈夫可以在周四晚上买好外卖，搞定孩子的洗漱上床，然后布置好卧室——点上蜡烛、铺上干净毛巾、准备好润滑剂和性感播放列表。 > "所有的这一切都建立在‘零压力’（no pressure）的基础上。丈夫需要明确告诉妻子：‘我只想抱着你、按摩你的酸痛部位、告诉你我有多爱你。即便今晚不发生插入式性行为，我也绝不会生气。’" Steven Bartlett 补充道，社会比较产生的“应该”（Should）具有极大的破坏性（如“我们应该每周做几次”）。他在自己的亲密关系中已经**明令禁止任何形式的比较**，不通过他人或前任的视角来表达未满足的需求，这极大改善了关系品质。Susan 完全赞同，并指出只有彻底消除“必须进行性交”的压力，女性慢热的神经系统（往往需要 15 到 30 分钟）才能放松下来，安全感才能转化为真正的性兴奋。 --- ### [50:30](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=3030s) 开启“情色约会”与性生活愿望清单 为了突破尴尬与沉默的恶性循环，Susan Bratton 极力推荐**“情色约会”（Erotic Playdates）**。很多夫妻厌倦了枯燥的套路，他们真正需要的不是死板的技术，而是一场“情色冒险”。性爱是一道由两部分组成的方程式：**50% 的安全与信任 + 50% 的新鲜感与探索**。纯粹的安全会导致厌倦，这是性生活的“丧钟”；而新鲜感（novelty）和尝试新事物则能注入“新关系能量”（New Relationship Energy）。 为了帮助夫妻开启对话，Susan 在现场向 Steven 展示了她精心设计的**“性生活愿望清单”（Sex Life Bucket List）**，其中包含了 48 个性感创意（如内衣摄影、寻找 G 点/P 点、尝试加热或充气式情趣玩具等）。 ``` [ 48个情色约会创意 ] │ ├───► A 级选项：迫不及待想尝试（例：内衣写真拍摄） ├───► B 级选项：乐意配合与探索（例：寻找 prostate/P点） └───► C 级选项：目前不感兴趣（保持开放，绝不终生否定） ``` * **使用方法：** 夫妻双方各自打印一份表格，对照视频讲解进行打分分类（A/B/C）。 * **沟通契机：** 这不仅去除了提出怪异要求的耻感，还能为夫妻关系创造可期待的焦点，将性爱从“例行公事”变回“共同游戏”。 <ElicitationsGroup message="想要进一步了解 Susan Bratton 关于亲密关系与性健康的建议，可以探索以下方向："> {/* Reason: 提供与当前讨论主题紧密相关的延伸方向（性信号沟通、生理唤醒机制、情趣玩具选型）。 */} <Elicitation label="了解如何建立安全的“性需求沟通”机制" query="如何与伴侣建立安全且不尴尬的性需求沟通机制？请提供具体的对话范例。"/> <Elicitation label="探索提高女性生理唤醒与安全感的具体方法" query="Susan Bratton 提到的女性 slow arousal 机制是什么？如何帮助伴侣放松并进入状态？"/> </ElicitationsGroup> ### [54:16](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=3256s) 应对伴侣对性幻想与情趣用品的拒绝与嘲讽 主持人 Steven 结合自身的经历提问：如果一个人向伴侣提出符合自己“性语言”的新尝试（例如使用情趣用品、尝试 BDSM 或寻找卧室新鲜感），但伴侣却予以否定、嘲笑甚至称“那是 50 岁的人才用的”，在这种情况下该怎么办？Susanbratton 指出，伴侣的拒绝通常源于恐惧与无知（"lack of knowledge makes fear"）。她建议不要硬碰硬，而是采取引导与沟通的策略： 首先，向伴侣解释使用情趣用品的乐趣（例如在体位结合的同时配合外部刺激），并邀请对方一起逛街挑选，消除其被替代的顾虑。其次，可以将情趣用品比作生活的提升工具，就像电动牙刷、洗牙器、汽车和智能手机一样，它们只是“愉悦的工具”（tools of pleasure）。最后，如果伴侣此时仍对情趣用品不感兴趣，可以退而求求其次，引入“性爱愿望清单”（sex life bucket list），从伴侣感兴趣、感到舒适的选项（A 类项目）开始尝试，逐步建立信任与新鲜感。 Steven 也对此进行了反思，认为把某种性探索归结为“50 岁人才做的事”是一种由社会刻板印象导致的比较心理，而这种期望和限制正是阻碍性探索与开放心态的罪魁祸首。 - **性语言差异与心理障碍：** 当双方的欲望或幻想出现冲突（例如一方追求绝对安全感，而另一方希望尝试绑缚与主导）时，这种看似对立的偏好往往会让沟通陷入僵局。 - **走出舒适圈：** 借用 Jaiya 提出的“五种情色蓝图”（Erotic Blueprints）理论，每个人都有自己的初始属性，但性关系不应局限于单一角色。无论是习惯被动还是主导，双方都可以尝试打破舒适圈，学习如何在不同角色之间切换（switch）。 ### [59:23](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=3563s) 安全感与新鲜感：交织出持续的性渴望 Susan 强调，持续的性渴望来自于“安全感 + 新鲜感”（safety + novelty = desire）。在长期的伴侣关系中，探索新鲜感并不意味着点子会被耗尽。她打趣道，她的丈夫 Tim 甚至可以把“来者不拒”（up for anything）作为未来的墓志铭，因为无论她提出什么新奇的构想，Tim 都乐于配合与尝试。 为了说明新鲜感与沟通的灵活性，Susan 分享了她与丈夫以及她的男朋友（三人关系）之间的亲密生活模式。在每次进行亲密约会前，他们三个人会坐下来共同讨论、构思当晚的“行动方案”（game plan），并在过程中根据当下的感受随时调整。 此外，Susan 提到了人类作为“智人”（Homo sapien）的生物本能。人类在演化树上与矮黑猩猩（bonobos）和类人猿同宗，本质上都是动物，生理与心理状态极易受到饮食（如糖分摄入）、饮酒、情绪、压力和健身情况的影响。因此，每次亲密约会都不应拘泥于固定的套路或预设的流程，而应当倾听自己内心的“动物本能”，根据当下的情绪和身体需求（如换个地方、使用新工具等）来享受当下。 > " safety plus novelty equals desire. " — Susan Bratton ### [01:01:53](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=3713s) 克服早泄问题：掌握“自我呼吸法”与掌控力 针对一位年轻听众（Kit）关于“自己在床上只能维持两三分秒，担心无法让伴侣尽兴”的困惑，Susan 表示这在男性中极其普遍——每四名不同年龄段的男性中就有一人面临射精过快或表现焦虑（performance anxiety）的困扰。 为了解决这一问题，Susan 与 Jim Benson 合作出版了针对男性的《多重高潮伴侣》（Multiorgasmic Lover）课程，旨在帮助男性获得“射精选择权”（ejaculatory choice），即根据自己的意愿控制射精时机，而不是被动受制于身体反应。 针对控制技巧与心理调适，Susan 详细拆解了其核心机制： - **自我呼吸法（Me Breath）：** 一种结合身体调控的综合技术，类似于打高尔夫球或开车的协调过程（同时控制油门、刹车与转向）。它包含三个要素： 1. **PC 肌收缩：** 类似于凯格尔运动（Kegel）对骨盆底肌肉的控制。 2. **冷吸气（Cool Draw）：** 源自道家关于精气保养的呼吸吐纳技术，用于平息过度的性冲动。 3. **骨盆摇摆（Pelvic Rock / Thrust）：** 改变传统“像活塞一样快速抽动”的机械式摩擦，转而采用有节奏的骨盆摇摆。这种放松的律动不仅能延缓射精，还能为女性带来更舒适的刺激。 - **打破不良习惯与心理循环：** 很多男性因长期在缺乏隐私或追求快速解决的自慰习惯中“训练”出了过快射精的条件反射。此外，过于焦虑“会不会又太快”的负面心理会导致躯体紧张，进而加速射精。 - **摆脱“表现焦虑”：** 许多男性一味专注于“让对方高潮”，反而给自己和伴侣带来了巨大的心理压力。关键在于摆脱大脑中的杂念，回到身体的实时感受中（somatic techniques），学会在自慰和实战中交替使用“油门与刹车”。 Steven 也分享了自己的成长体会：在早期，受色情片的影响，他曾误以为“越快、越用力”效果越好；随着阅历增长，他才意识到亲密关系根本无需着急，通过看到伴侣获得愉悦，自己也能获得极大的满足感。 ### [01:07:26](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=4046s) 重塑 Yoni 护理：从外在按摩到贴合式情趣工具 谈到如何更好地愉悦伴侣，Susan 引入了古梵文词汇 **Yoni**（意指包括阴道、外阴及整个女性生殖系统的完整部位）。她解释道，相较于纯解剖学词汇（如仅代表内部通道的 Vagina 或外部组织的 Vulva），Yoni 表达了一种全面且带有“崇敬”（reverential）意味的视角——将女性视为女神，将其身体视为激情与创造力的源泉，而非单纯的性器官。 在进入正式的亲密关系前，最有效的体验提升方式就是进行 **Yoni 按摩**（Yoni massage）。为此，Susan 展示了她带来的几款“贴合式工具”（lay-on tools/tools）： <Carousel> {/* Reason: Demonstrating real-world pleasure tools discussed in the walkthrough. */} <Image alt="Pulse Queen 贴合式情趣按摩仪" caption="Pulse Queen 脉冲按摩仪" src="[https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/61KqDms1oJL._AC_SL1500_.jpg](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/61KqDms1oJL._AC_SL1500_.jpg)"/> <Image alt="The Vibe 贴合式振动体验工具" caption="The Vibe 贴合式情趣工具" src="[https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/51wB7-K1ZNL._AC_SL1200_.jpg](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/51wB7-K1ZNL._AC_SL1200_.jpg)"/> </Carousel> - **Pulse Queen（脉冲女王）：** 采用了独特的脉冲板技术（pulse plate technology），能够通过深层震动穿透外阴、阴蒂结构、阴阜（mons）、大阴唇、小阴唇及阴道前庭，带来极强的穿透性愉悦感。 - **The Vibe：** 另一款贴合式按摩工具，能够向 Yoni 区域传递深层、脉动的刺激。 Susan 借用一根香蕉形象地解释了男性与女性生理结构的异同：男性的阴茎约有一半延伸在体内；而女性的阴蒂结构同样绝大部分隐藏在皮肤之下。通过这类贴合式工具进行前戏按摩，能够唤醒整个区域的神经末梢，为接下来的亲密互动打下完美基础。 - **情趣用品的定位：** Susan 更倾向于将这些产品称为“愉悦工具”（tools of pleasure），而非单纯的“玩具”（toys），因为它们在提升性健康与亲密质量方面发挥着实质性作用。 <ElicitationsGroup message="想要进一步探索本期节目中的主题？"> {/* Reason: Prompts provide actionable and logical deep-dives based on the discussion topics. */} <Elicitation label="深入了解延长持久力与控制射精的练习步骤" query="请详细阐述 Susan Bratton 提到的 ME 呼吸法（Me Breath）与 PC 肌练习的具体步骤和训练计划。"/> <Elicitation label="探索伴侣间引入“性爱愿望清单”沟通话术" query="如何与伴侣开启关于性幻想与尝试新情趣用品的对话？请提供具体的沟通策略和话术模版。"/> </ElicitationsGroup> 以下是根据访谈录音整理的详细中文逐字记录与内容深度剖析： ### [01:10:47](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=4247s) 阴蒂的生理结构与“女性勃起”机制 苏珊·布拉顿（Susan Bratton）详细拆解了女性阴部与阴茎在解剖学上的同源性。阴茎内部充满海绵体组织（Erectile Tissue），当男性看到视觉刺激时，血液会在一两分钟内直接注入这三条直线管道，迅速完成勃起。然而，许多人不知道的是，女性体内的勃起组织总量与男性阴茎中的完全相同，只是形态不同——它呈泪滴状缠绕在阴道、尿道（即常被误称为“G点”的管状区域）以及阴唇周围，延伸出小臂、小腿和海绵体结构。 由于这种独特的解剖分布，女性充血并达到真正的“阴蒂勃起（Clitoral Erection）”通常需要约 **20分钟** 的持续刺激。如果女性在未充分充血（处于软弛状态）时被强行推进，体感就如同男性在未勃起时进行性爱一样平淡甚至不适。只有当海绵体充分充血膨胀、表面积扩大后，才能向大脑这个“人体最大的性器官”发送强烈的快感信号。 布拉顿痛批了影视作品中常见的误导性情节：男女主角接吻后迅速撕开衣服、甚至连胸部都没触碰就直接发生插入。这种急躁的方式剥夺了女性充血的时间。只要在插入前给予足够的爱抚与前戏，绝大多数声称“无法通过插入式性爱获得高潮”的女性，实际上都能在整个性交过程中持续体验高潮。 - **女性海绵体充血时长**：约 20 分钟才能达到完全的阴蒂勃起。 - **G点的实质**：并非一个单纯的点，而是一条包覆着勃起组织的尿道长管（Urethral Canal）。 - **阴道按摩（Yoni Massage）**：通过手法促进外阴血液循环，是帮助女性达到完全勃起与充血的关键前戏。 --- ### [01:13:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=4425s) 20多种高潮类型与“量子高潮”解析 主持人提到了“量子高潮（Quantum Orgasm）”的概念，布拉顿指出高潮的类型超过 **20种**（她总是保留一种作为“未知牌”，以便探索新的可能）。她将高潮的分类归纳为三大维度： 1. **接触部位**：包括阴蒂高潮、阴道高潮、肛门高潮、乳房高潮、乳头高潮、喉咙高潮等。 2. **特定手法/技术**：如女性射液（Female Ejaculation，需依靠特定技巧而非动作片中的夸张表演）及扩展高潮技巧。 3. **欲望工具/媒介**：如使用马鞭（Crop）拍打臀部等能够引发高潮的性道具。 布拉顿将高潮的发展划分为三个层次： * **传统单次高潮（One-and-Done）**：类似 1960 年代金赛及大师与约翰逊（Masters and Johnson）研究的传统模式——能量急剧上升后迅速跌落。许多男性抱怨伴侣高潮后就不让人触碰，这正是因为过度的刺激打爆了神经系统。解决办法是：放慢速度、减轻触感、加强充血与全身爱抚，让伴侣平稳过渡到多重高潮。 * **延伸高潮（Extended Orgasm）**：将性爱作为一种正念（Mindfulness）练习，女性身处高潮节点中，像拉软糖一样将那一瞬间的快感时间拉长，沉浸并体验快感的波动。 * **扩展高潮 / 量子高潮（Expanded / Quantum Orgasm）**：高潮的最高境界。布拉顿用“巨浪冲浪者”作比喻：伴侣用最轻柔的触碰引导女性骑上一座又一座更高、更强烈的高潮巨浪，高潮可以持续 **10分钟、20分钟甚至30分钟**，直到体力耗尽。 布拉顿分享了自己跟随导师帕蒂·泰勒博士（Dr. Patti Taylor）学习时的切身经历：有一次她与丈夫蒂姆（Tim）体验长达一小时的高潮时，感到自己处于悬崖边缘并心生恐惧。泰勒博士在电话里鼓励她“跨出那一步（Step off）”。当她放手跃下时，她感受到了与万物神圣源头（Source/God/Gaia）的连接。布拉顿指出，这正是历史上性常被压抑与污名化的原因——如果在爱抚中就能直接体验到神圣的连接，人们就不再需要依赖宗教机构。 --- ### [01:19:23](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=4763s) 观众提问：拯救“机械化”与干涸的卧室 观众伊森（Ethan）表达了他的困境：他与女友同居一年、恋爱两年，但卧室生活正面临“干涸期”，近几个月来的性生活变得极其机械化，他非常担心关系的未来。 布拉顿表示这种情况非常普遍，因为社会的审查机制导致正规的激情爱抚教学无法正常传播（她自己的教学课程也常因平台规则而无法打广告）。针对伊森的困境，布拉顿给出了突破思路： 1. 共同制定“性爱愿望清单（Sex Bucket List）”。 2. 引入性玩具以打破机械感。 3. 学习阴道按摩（Yoni Massage），用精油配合舒缓的全身放松。 --- ### [01:20:33](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=4833s) 提升伴侣亲密感的性玩具推荐 针对主持人询问“哪种玩具最受女性欢迎”，布拉顿根据不同场景推荐了两类神器： * **双震动阴茎环（Double Vibrating Penis Ring）**：适合伴侣共同使用。男性的阴茎和睾丸穿过套环，在提供会阴部刺激的同时，顶部的震动点会在女上式等姿势中紧贴女性的阴蒂结构，实现双向共振。 * **指套式震动器（The Digit / Ring Pop Vibe）**：类似戒指设计，即使手上有大量润滑油也不会打滑失手。在插入过程中，它可以像一只轻盈的蜂鸟一样在女性阴蒂上微震打转。主持人试用后直言这个设计解决了以往润滑油导致道具滑脱的痛点。 --- ### [01:22:17](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=4937s) 唤醒感官的“愉悦方案”三部曲（The Pleasure Protocol） 布拉顿在现场展示了她推荐的感官唤醒产品组合，旨在通过嗅觉、触觉与植物成分全面提升身体敏感度： 1. **阴道融化栓剂（Botanical Melt）**：由可可脂（Cocoa Butter）与 CBD 等植物精华制成，形状如同一小节指尖大小的胶囊。放入阴道后会迅速融化，提供如同巧克力般的天然浓香，使阴道内部变得如丝绒般滋润柔软。 2. **唤醒高潮油（Awaken Arousal Oil & Sex Oil）**：在前戏中取数滴涂抹于女性外阴、大阴唇、小阴唇、阴蒂及阴道前庭。植物成分能瞬间带来微麻与充血感（“让外阴瞬间苏醒”），随后可叠加大量的润滑油以增加顺滑度。 3. **乳房护理油（Breast & Nipple Oil）**：针对许多女性对自身胸部缺乏自信的问题，布拉顿分享了自己通过“乳头高潮（Nipplegasm）”重拾身体自信的经历。她曾做过严谨的 A/B 对照测试，证实使用胸部护理油能大幅提升乳头的敏感度。 布拉顿还分享了一个温馨的关系互动场景：她喜欢让丈夫蒂姆靠在床头，自己背靠在他怀里的枕头上。蒂姆一边用护理油为她进行乳房按摩，两人一边聊天倾诉一天的生活，在极具安全感和亲密感的气氛中完成感官连接。 - **可可脂（Cocoa Butter）**：源自可可豆的天然油脂，不仅是天然催情剂，还能作为阴道内部的高效滋养润滑剂。 --- ### [01:25:55](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=5155s) 观众提问：如何克服口交与乳头刺激的尴尬感 观众基特（Kit）提出了许多男性的普遍困惑：在当前观念中，口交几乎是性爱的“标配”，但他感到技巧匮乏；同时对于乳头刺激也感到无比尴尬——“到底该怎么做？是该吸吮、捏弄还是做别的？总觉得动作很怪异。” 布拉顿安抚道，这种尴尬感完全正常，关键在于学习与练习： * **关于口交**：任何声称“不喜欢口交”的人，大多是因为没有体验过高水平的口交技巧。口交本身具有极高的高潮潜力。对于许多人排斥的“69式”，布拉顿解释道不必强求双方同时高度集中注意力，可以轮流给予和接收，关键在于感受两人之间循环的能量与快感。 * **关于练习**：性爱技巧如同其他技能，完全是“熟能生巧（Practice makes perfect）”。 --- ### [01:27:35](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=5255s) 中场赞助商广告 主持人插播了赞助商 PerfectTed（抹茶能量饮料）的广告，谈到由于播客录制和日常生活节奏极快，自己需要时刻保持高效的专注力与精力管理，而这也正是他选择该产品的原因。 <ElicitationsGroup message="如果您想进一步探索本集涉及的亲密关系与性健康主题："> <Elicitation label="了解女性高潮的生理机制与前戏技巧" query="请详细解释女性阴蒂海绵体的生理结构，以及如何通过20分钟前戏帮助伴侣达到完全充血。"/> <Elicitation label="探索提升伴侣亲密感的沟通与互动方法" query="如何与伴侣开启关于性幻想和引入性玩具（如阴茎环、高潮油）的坦诚对话？"/> </ElicitationsGroup> ### [01:27:52](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=5272s) 赞助商广告：PerfectTed 与 Fiverr Steven Bartlett 插入了两段赞助商广告。首先是 **PerfectTed** 能量饮料，Steven 表示过去在使用能量产品时总要在能量提升与高糖分、心悸（jitters）、崩溃感（crashes）以及人工添加剂之间做出妥协。由于 PerfectTed 采用天然成分，不仅提升了他的认知与身体表现，也改变了他和团队的工作状态。 随后他提到了 **Fiverr**。在第四季度（Q4）最忙碌的时期，为了在年底前完成项目，团队常常需要引入自由职业者（freelances）。Fiverr 作为在线市场，提供了涵盖代码开发、AI 专家、平面设计及动画制作等多领域的专业人才，其透明的作品集审核与退款保障机制降低了用人风险。 - **PerfectTed 优惠信息**：可通过 Tesco、Waitrose 或官网 perfectted.com 购买，结账使用折扣码 `diary40` 可享 60 折（40% off）。 - **Fiverr 优惠信息**：访问 [fiverr.com/diary](https://fiverr.com/diary) 并使用折扣码 `diary` 即可在首次订单中享受 90 折（10% off）。 --- ### [01:29:27](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=5367s) 绝经期、性欲（Libido）与性反应的三要素 话题回到性健康领域，Steven 询问女性进入绝经期（menopause）后性欲是否会下降。Susan Bratton 解释这取决于基因、饮食、观念系统以及原有的性生活质量等多种因素。有些人表示在绝经期经历了“一生中最棒的性爱”，而有些人的性欲则彻底断崖式下跌。 ``` ┌─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ 性健康与体验的三要素 │ └─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ │ ┌─────────────────────────────┼─────────────────────────────┐ ▼ ▼ ▼ 【性欲 Libido】 【渴望 Desire】 【唤起 Arousal】 • 代表整体生理与心理健康 • 取决于自我认同与身体形象 • 男性：快速充血勃起 • 患病时可通过“生物黑客” • 接纳衰老与生育后的身体 • 女性：需20-30分钟放松 和再生疗法进行修复 接纳愉悦与情感连接 充血，爬上“唤起阶梯” ``` Susan 强调必须明确区分**性欲（Libido）**、**渴望（Desire）**与**唤起（Arousal）**： 1. **性欲（Libido）**：代表身体与心理的整体健康状况（"Libido is your health"）。许多伴侣在一方患病后便彻底放弃身体接触，但 Susan 认为自己就像 Timex 手表一样“经得起折腾并保持运转”（"I can take a licking and keep on ticking"），主张通过性生物黑客（sexual biohacking）和再生疗法（regenerative therapies）来对抗衰老与器官萎缩。 2. **渴望（Desire）**：关乎自我认同与身体形象。女性在生育或衰老后容易产生自卑心理，必须学会接纳自己，重拾愉悦与连接。给孩子创造一个充满爱与亲密的家庭环境，远比展示“完美身材”更重要。 3. **唤起（Arousal）**：男女生理机制存在差异。男性通常能够快速勃起并随时进入状态，而女性则需要“放松”来启动血液循环，通常需要 20 到 30 分钟的充血过程才能逐步爬上“唤起阶梯”。 --- ### [01:31:56](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=5516s) 打破模式化的性生活：多重高潮交叉训练 Steven 播放了一位名叫 Ethan 的听众留言。Ethan 抱怨与伴侣的性生活变成了“同一套流程的死板重复”：固定的星期六夜晚、固定的房间、闭灯、且永远只有一两种固定的姿势。 Susan 深刻理解这种挫败感，并指出这往往是因为女方只找到了一条确保能达到高潮的“安全路径”，出于恐惧和缺乏知识，她才用高度控制的方式来维持这种确定性。为了打破这种僵局，Susan 建议尝试**“高潮交叉训练”（orgasmic cross training）**——在保留原有有效方法的基础上，逐步融入新的刺激（例如乳房抚摸、使用润肤油等）。 > "All that's standing between the pain, the shame, the numbness, and the pleasure is orgasmic in a loving way that feels safe." > （在疼痛、羞耻、麻木与愉悦之间，所隔的仅仅是以一种充满爱意且令人感到安全的方式去体验高潮。） Susan 进一步阐述，当触碰女性的乳房、阴唇或阴道口（introitus sphincter，即阴道括约肌）等部位时，女性通常会有四种反应：**疼痛（pain）**、**麻木（numbness）**、**羞耻（shame）**或**愉悦（pleasure）**。只要在充满爱的安全氛围下反复进行柔和触碰，大脑与神经末梢的连接就会被重新激活，麻木感会逐渐转变为愉悦感。她建议男方可以在非性交的日里为伴侣提供“Yoni（阴道/外阴）按摩”，帮助女性放松身体并融入感知。 --- ### [01:36:24](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=5784s) 色情片、自慰与新型性玩具的演变 讨论转向自慰与色情片（Pornography）的影响。Steven 提到此前节目中许多女性私信表示自己也面临色情片成瘾的问题。Susan 表示自己并不反对色情片，但比起色情片中纯粹的机械摩擦（friction），她更致力于帮助人们建立深度的心灵连接（connection）与极致的快感体验。 Susan 提到《时代》（Time）杂志曾引用一项针对 340 个色情片片段的随机抽样研究，结果显示 **96% 的内容都存在不同程度贬低女性的现象**。相比之下，无色情片辅助的自慰是极佳的生理激活方式。 ``` Satisfyer 新型智能性玩具功能特点 ┌─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ • 加热功能：模拟体温，提供更舒适的入体体验 │ │ • 气囊膨胀技术：通过内置气囊充气，填满阴道内部空间 │ │ • App 智能连接：匹配音乐节拍或情色语音故事实现同步震动 │ └─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ ``` 为了丰富自慰和伴侣互动，Susan 现场展示了 Satisfyer 品牌的两款新型智能性玩具：一款带有**加热功能**，另一款则具备**气囊膨胀技术**（可以在阴道内充气变大，填满内部空间）。这些设备还能通过 App 连接，根据情色故事或音乐节拍自动调节震动频率。此外，对于没有固定伴侣的女性，Susan 鼓励她们大胆寻找“性伴侣/侧室”（hot side piece），不必为了等待完美对象而压抑正当的性需求。 --- ### [01:40:52](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=6052s) 性传播感染（STI）检测的重要性 作为 Basis DX 的首席倡导官（Chief Advocacy Officer），Susan 郑重提醒：在鼓励大家探索多边关系（poly groups）或派对等多元性生活的同时，必须将 **STI 检测** 作为不可逾越的安全红线。 - **检测时机**：在发生接吻或肢体触碰之外的进阶性行为之前，双方必须完成检测。 - **安全建议**：建议在家里常备几份 STI 自测盒，确保在迎接新伴侣时能够快速确认健康状况。 - **健康警示**：许多性传播感染的影响是长期且不可逆的，绝非“吃几天抗生素就能根治”那么简单。 --- ### [01:43:22](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=6202s) 人体的高潮潜能与何时选择离开伴侣 在总结性爱哲学的本质时，Susan 强调无知会引发恐惧，而学习与尝试新事物则是解开枷锁的钥匙。男女生理结构本质上同源（"inny and outy"），每个人（无论是男是女）的身体都具备解锁 **20 多种不同高潮** 的潜能，男性不应将自己局限于单一的射精式高潮。 当被问及“如何判断何时该离开一段感情”时，Susan 建议在放弃之前，如果条件允许，一定要先寻求专业的**性治疗师（Sex therapist）**或伴侣咨询服务。即便伴侣对向陌生人坦白房中事感到排斥，专业的治疗师也能循循善诱，引导双方开启对话并重建亲密关系。 <ElicitationsGroup message="想要进一步探索本集对话涉及的技术与方法？"> <Elicitation label="了解改善女性性唤起的具体放松技巧与20分钟前戏指南" query="请详细解释 Susan Bratton 在视频中提到的女性20-30分钟唤起机制以及具体的操作步骤。"/> <Elicitation label="查看如何通过 Yoni 按摩重新激活敏感度的详细建议" query="请提供 Susan Bratton 建议的 Yoni 按摩与非性交亲密接触的具体指导方法。"/> </ElicitationsGroup> ### [01:44:24](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=6264s) 伴侣沟通与情侣治疗的意义 Steven Bartlett 回忆起自己最初几次去进行情侣咨询（或与伴侣展开深度沟通）时的尴尬体验，坦言一开始非常讨厌这种感觉，甚至希望对方什么都别说，因为会觉得有陌生人在审视自己。然而，他随后意识到这种安排的巨大价值：在关系中建立一个可以坦诚相对、表达真实想法的特定空间，能让一周其余的 6.9 天变得更加轻松愉快，因为双方清楚知道问题会在何时何地被集中讨论，而不必时刻处于戒备状态。 Steven 还指出，男性往往存在一种心理偏见，很少会主动发起此类关于“未被满足的需求”或性生活的深度对话。有时男性表现得冷漠或心怀怨气，但回头来看，他非常庆幸伴侣能够主动“拉响警报”。Susan Bratton 补充道，女性通常表达能力更强（“善于言辞”），而男性常常自认“寡言少语”，这既有先天生理因素也有后天养育影响。正因如此，很多男性在与女性伴侣探讨敏感话题时会感到极不平等，担心被对方“绕进去”，此时有一位专业治疗师来引导就显得尤为重要。 虽然“妻子开心，生活舒心”（Happy wife, happy life）是一句俗套的陈词滥调，但 Steven 认为其中不乏真理。这源于一种常见的现象：男性的需求通常相对简单明确，而女性往往更敏锐、更能察觉到未被满足的需求并加以表达。男性很容易把关系简化为“只要让她开心，大家都开心”。然而实际上，女性拉响警报所解决的问题，最终往往也解决了男性自身尚未察觉的困境，从而让整段关系变得更好。 - 很多男性将伴侣提出的问题视为“又一个麻烦”，但若换个视角，会发现这是极佳的“早期预警系统”。 - 伴侣间建立固定的沟通机制或寻求治疗师协助，能有效避免因表达能力不对等而产生的防御心理。 --- ### [01:47:27](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=6447s) 亲密关系的核心总结 Susan 对两人讨论过的核心观点进行了精炼总结，强调了维持长期激情与亲密感的多维方法。她重申，男性应当向伴侣提供微小的关爱（small offers）、用高潮滋养对方、进行 Yoni（阴道/女阴）按摩并放慢节奏。拥抱伴侣不仅能让女性感到安全，也会让男性获得同样良好的心理与生理体验，这是一种完全互利的共生关系。 双方再次强调，绝不能把“性”狭隘地等同于“阴道交”（intercourse）。想要让性生活随着年龄增长越来越好，关键在于不断学习新技能、共同创造新体验、完成各自的“性爱愿望清单”（sex life bucket list），同时保持良好的身体状态。 - 维持身体健康（充足的运动与睡眠）是保障长远性生活质量的基础。 - 共同探索未知的亲密方式比单纯追求生理交配更能长久维持激情。 --- ### [01:48:12](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=6492s) 给 20 岁自己的一句话 按照节目惯例， Steven 提出了上位嘉宾留下的神秘问题：“如果你能穿越回 20 岁，在自己耳边轻声说一句话，让你的生活更快乐、更健康、更成功，你会说什么？” Susan 给出了解答：“全力以赴（Play full out）。绝不要妥协你的天赋与才华，绝不要收敛光芒（Never play small）。让别人感到舒服并不是你的责任；当然，你可以用爱对待每个人，但你真正的职责是去体验并创造你所能拥有的最精彩、最棒的人生。” - 核心建议：拒绝为了迎合他人而收敛自身的才华与锋芒，全力以赴活出极致人生。 --- ### [01:48:57](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=6537s) Steven 的收获与欲望管理方程 Susan 随后向 Steven 抛出反问，询问他在结束这次对话后会做出哪些改变、产生了哪些新领悟。Steven 表示自己不仅准备带一整套全新的情侣玩具回家，还在阅读 Susan 的著作过程中深受启发，深刻理解了边缘系统（limbic system）对伴侣连接的影响以及密宗（Tantra）的相关概念。 对于听众而言，Steven 认为最关键的一点是“消除压力”。他回忆起自己人生中的某个阶段，当时“缺乏性生活”成了房间里不可忽视的庞然大物（elephant in the room），而急于修复它的压力反而让情况雪上加霜。Susan 提出的“约会玩耍”（erotic playdates）极具启发性——在这种约会中，插入式性交完全不在菜单上，双方从建立纯粹的连接重新开始。此外，结识 5、6 年的伴侣如何保持新鲜感也是他一直在思考的课题，他将其称为“欲望管理”（desire management）。欲望就像一朵火焰，需要恰到浪漫的氧气——氧气太少（缺乏新鲜感、过于依恋、陷入固定例行公事）火焰会熄灭；距离过远或缺乏安全感也会吹灭火焰。 Susan 借用 Dossie Easton（《The Ethical Slut》作者）的理论，给出了一个极简的欲望公式：**安全感 + 多样性 = 欲望**（Safety + Variety = Desire）。Steven 对此表示高度认同，并分享了他观察到的朋友们的案例：有朋友因内心缺乏安全感，在认识女性的头一两天就闪婚般同居，导致关系急速窒息；也有朋友陷入远距离恋情，因缺乏安全感而让激情消逝。找到安全感与新鲜感之间的平衡点才是维系欲望的关键。 - Dossie Easton 的欲望公式：安全感（Safety）与多样性/新鲜感（Variety）相结合，才能源源不断地产生欲望（Desire）。 - 保持适度距离与新鲜体验（如定期独自出差、去新地方、穿新衣服、使用新玩具）是避免性生活陷入死板例行公事的重要手段。 --- ### [01:52:34](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=6754s) 结尾致谢与《1% 日记》推荐 Steven 对 Susan 的付出表示了由衷的感谢，赞扬她致力于破解这些长期被污名化、神秘化的亲密话题。他透露，自己之所以在《CEO 日记》（The Diary Of A CEO）中探讨这些，正是为了把“不能说的秘密”公开化——一个 CEO 的日记里不应只有损益表（P&L）和电子表格，还应该有对勃起功能障碍（ED）的焦虑、性生活匮乏的苦恼以及如何提升亲密关系的真实思考。Susan 在此领域的专业解惑帮助了无数无法亲口向她致谢的人。Susan 也真诚表达了对节目平台的感激。 在节目最后，Steven 分享了团队对 1% 微小改进（compounding 1%s）的极致追求——他们甚至会监测录音室的二氧化碳浓度，一旦超过 1,000 ppm 就及时通风以防认知能力下降。基于这种理念，他们历时两年开发了限量版《1% 日记》（The 1% Diary），旨在帮助人们通过持续的小习惯改变人生轨迹。 - 节目宗旨：打破社会禁忌，真实呈现包括性健康、亲密关系障碍在内的现实困境。 - 极致细节：录音室二氧化碳浓度若超过 1,000 ppm 会损害认知能力，团队通过此类微小调整落实“1% 复合效应”。 ## Notable quotes > [08:35](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=515s) 如果你在情感上离开了现场，只是身体停留在那里，你根本无法获得那种心灵上的连接……你无法在爱人身上找到属于你的人性，也无法通过这种连接触及灵魂的源泉。 — Susan Bratton > [18:15](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=1095s) 治疗师对我说：‘不要担心，把它们全写出来。我想听你亲口告诉我每一个细节，我想作为见证者，了解你所经历的一切，然后我们将把这一切彻底抛在脑后。’ — Susan Bratton > [20:34](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=1234s) 你的父母已经尽了他们最大的努力。他们当时可能也什么都不懂，甚至自己都还像个孩子。你的性生活和性观念是你自己的责任，而不是你父母的责任。 — Susan Bratton > [24:15](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=1455s) 当他发生外遇时，他所做的一切只是试图留在我们的婚姻里，不让自己陷入绝望。一旦我想通了这一点，意识到他并不是在伤害我，我甚至不再认为那是‘出轨’，我看到的是一个男人依然在努力保全婚姻。 — Susan Bratton > [28:46](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=1726s) 当你真正开始尝试说实话时，你才会意识到不讲真话在我们的社会文化中根深蒂固到了什么程度。只要出于爱意去表达，真相不仅不会伤害人，反而极其美妙、令人兴奋且充满吸引力。 — Susan Bratton > [34:02](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=2042s) 每当我们准备开启一次亲密约会时，我都非常需要这种被爱和被欣赏的安全感。我会让 Tim 告诉我三件他爱我的事情，而我们的游戏规则是：几十年间，永远不能重复说过的理由。 — Susan Bratton > [39:41](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=2381s) 性爱其实是一种正念练习（mindfulness practice）。你只需要不断地把自己的注意力带回到连接上，带回到你的内心，带回到你的丈夫身边。没人关心你的身体到底长什么样，它不过是你 72 万亿个细胞的载体罢了。 — Susan Bratton > [43:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=2588s) 所有的这一切都建立在‘零压力’（no pressure）的基础上。丈夫需要明确告诉妻子：‘我只想抱着你、按摩你的酸痛部位、告诉你我有多爱你。即便今晚不发生插入式性行为，我也绝不会生气。’ — Susan Bratton > [59:23](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=3563s) safety plus novelty equals desire. — Susan Bratton > [01:31:56](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=5516s) All that's standing between the pain, the shame, the numbness, and the pleasure is orgasmic in a loving way that feels safe. — Susan Bratton > [01:48:12](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk&t=6492s) Play full out. 绝不要妥协你的天赋与才华，绝不要收敛光芒（Never play small）。让别人感到舒服并不是你的责任；当然，你可以用爱对待每个人，但你真正的职责是去体验并创造你所能拥有的最精彩、最棒的人生。 — Susan Bratton ## Mentioned Susan Bratton, Steven Bartlett, Tim, The 20, Personal Life Media, The Diary Of A CEO, Rhapsody, Spotify, Human Awareness Institute (HAI), Brad Blanton, Jaiya, Jim Benson, Patti Taylor, Masters and Johnson, Kinsey, PerfectTed, Fiverr, Satisfyer, Basis DX, Dossie Easton, Pulse Queen, The Vibe, The Digit / Ring Pop Vibe, Hot To Trot, Relationship Magic, Revive Her Drive, Sexual Soulmates: The Six Essentials for Connected Sex, Multiorgasmic Lover, The Ethical Slut, 1% Diary [Source](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLMCd3WbgGk)

[8:35] Susan Bratton: 如果你在情感上离开了现场，只是身体停留在那里，你根本无法获得那种心灵上的连接……你无法在爱人身上找到属于你的人性，也无法通过这种连接触及灵魂的源泉。 [18:15] Susan Bratton: 治疗师对我说：‘不要担心，把它们全写出来。我想听你亲口告诉我每一个细节，我想作为见证者，了解你所经历的一切，然后我们将把这一切彻底抛在脑后。’ [20:34] Susan Bratton: 你的父母已经尽了他们最大的努力。他们当时可能也什么都不懂，甚至自己都还像个孩子。你的性生活和性观念是你自己的责任，而不是你父母的责任。 [24:15] Susan Bratton: 当他发生外遇时，他所做的一切只是试图留在我们的婚姻里，不让自己陷入绝望。一旦我想通了这一点，意识到他并不是在伤害我，我甚至不再认为那是‘出轨’，我看到的是一个男人依然在努力保全婚姻。 [28:46] Susan Bratton: 当你真正开始尝试说实话时，你才会意识到不讲真话在我们的社会文化中根深蒂固到了什么程度。只要出于爱意去表达，真相不仅不会伤害人，反而极其美妙、令人兴奋且充满吸引力。 [34:02] Susan Bratton: 每当我们准备开启一次亲密约会时，我都非常需要这种被爱和被欣赏的安全感。我会让 Tim 告诉我三件他爱我的事情，而我们的游戏规则是：几十年间，永远不能重复说过的理由。 [39:41] Susan Bratton: 性爱其实是一种正念练习（mindfulness practice）。你只需要不断地把自己的注意力带回到连接上，带回到你的内心，带回到你的丈夫身边。没人关心你的身体到底长什么样，它不过是你 72 万亿个细胞的载体罢了。 [43:08] Susan Bratton: 所有的这一切都建立在‘零压力’（no pressure）的基础上。丈夫需要明确告诉妻子：‘我只想抱着你、按摩你的酸痛部位、告诉你我有多爱你。即便今晚不发生插入式性行为，我也绝不会生气。’ [59:23] Susan Bratton: safety plus novelty equals desire. [91:56] Susan Bratton: All that's standing between the pain, the shame, the numbness, and the pleasure is orgasmic in a loving way that feels safe. [108:12] Susan Bratton: Play full out. 绝不要妥协你的天赋与才华，绝不要收敛光芒（Never play small）。让别人感到舒服并不是你的责任；当然，你可以用爱对待每个人，但你真正的职责是去体验并创造你所能拥有的最精彩、最棒的人生。

[54:16] Susan Bratton: I use an electric toothbrush and an oral irrigator, and I drive a car and I have a mobile device... So, these are tools of pleasure. [57:04] Susan Bratton: We are Homo sapiens... We're on the branch with the bonobos and the great apes. We are part of the great apes. And so we're an animal. [60:00] Susan Bratton: One in four men of all ages suffer from what some people call premature ejaculation or performance anxiety... It helps men attain something called ejaculatory choice. [67:26] Susan Bratton: Yoni means vagina... But I like the word Yoni because it's comprehensive, and it's also reverential. [70:47] Susan Bratton: The number one sex technique you need to know is slow down. Turn around and come back and get us, because you're ready to go and we're not. [73:45] Susan Bratton: If you felt God in your lovemaking, why would you need to go to God in a church? [85:55] Susan Bratton: Practice makes perfect with sex. [91:56] Susan Bratton: All that's standing between the pain, the shame, the numbness, and the pleasure is orgasmic [touch] in a loving way that feels safe. [96:24] Susan Bratton: Why live someone else's agenda? Why not live your own agenda? Have your own life. Have your own fantasies. Have your own sexuality.

[0:00] Nobody even knows there's over 20 kinds [0:02] of orgasms that you can have. There's [0:08] That's a one-and-done. But then, there's [0:21] That's the queen of orgasms. And to [0:24] achieve that, there are very specific [0:26] techniques that work, and it's not what [0:28] you see on porn. [0:30] Dr. Susan Bratton is a world-renowned [0:32] sex specialist and best-selling author [0:33] of over 30 books and programs. [0:35] And for over two decades, her expertise [0:37] has empowered millions to master [0:38] pleasure and techniques, bedroom [0:40] communication, and unlock their true [0:42] sexual potential. [0:43] Why did you focus on sex as a career? [0:45] Well, I was 12 years into our marriage. [0:47] We had a beautiful daughter, gorgeous [0:49] home, but I never had an orgasm from [0:51] intercourse. [0:52] And we thought there was something wrong [0:54] with me. [0:54] But this is not unique. So many of us [0:58] have had problems with sex. [1:00] And once we got some skills, it just [1:03] lit our sex life on fire. So here are 48 [1:07] of my best sex techniques. Number one, [1:10] number two, you have to [1:12] Number three, it's something that I love [1:13] to teach men. And then there's these [1:15] toys that I want to show you. [1:17] What is that? [1:17] This is a device that no one's ever seen [1:19] before. [1:21] Wow. [1:22] Doesn't that feel so good? [1:23] Susan, this is the first time we've ever [1:25] done this. We reached out to some of our [1:26] audience to send us their questions. [1:28] Okay, let's unpack this. And let's start [1:30] with [1:32] This has always blown my mind a little [1:33] bit. 53% of you that listen to this show [1:36] regularly haven't yet subscribed to this [1:38] show. So could I ask you for a favor [1:40] before we start? If you like this show [1:42] and you like what we do here, and you [1:43] want to support us, the free, simple way [1:44] that you can do just that is by hitting [1:46] the subscribe button. And my commitment [1:48] to you is if you do that, then I'll do [1:49] everything in my power, me and my team, [1:51] to make sure that this show is better [1:53] for you every single week. We'll listen [1:55] to your feedback. We'll find the guests [1:56] that you want me to speak to, and we'll [1:58] continue to do what we do. Thank you so [2:00] much. [2:04] Susan, [2:06] what do you do, and why do you do it? [2:09] Well, [2:10] I teach passionate love-making [2:11] techniques by publishing books and [2:14] programs and audios. [2:16] And uh I do it because my passion is [2:18] passion. [2:19] Uh I like to say that uh my brand of [2:23] sexual education is heart-connected, [2:26] conscious, passionate love-making. [2:31] Which is very different than [2:32] transactional sex or sex that looks like [2:35] pornography. [2:36] If If someone comes to you, and they [2:37] say, [2:38] "I'm struggling with my sex life in some [2:40] way, or I'm not at my sexual potential, [2:42] what can you do for me?" How would you [2:44] answer that question? [2:45] Well, I'd say, "Sex is such a vast [2:48] landscape, and people enter into it from [2:50] so many different directions, that [2:53] often, when someone is saying that their [2:57] sex life isn't as good as they want it [2:59] to be, I have to ask them, what's it [3:01] like? [3:03] What do they want? What's the vision [3:05] that they're holding for themselves? [3:07] And often, [3:10] I recently had a young woman come to me [3:12] and say, "Um [3:15] all my friends talk about sex being so [3:16] great, but I haven't experienced that, [3:18] and I wonder if I'm asexual, [3:21] because it's just not that good for me. [3:23] It just seems like it's so fast and [3:25] hurried, and and I I don't know. I just [3:28] I just don't I'm worried. Maybe [3:30] something's wrong with me." That's what [3:32] That's what women think a lot is they [3:33] think there's something wrong with them. [3:36] But remember, I I'm not a therapist, so [3:39] I don't sit in a room [3:41] with a client and unearth all of the [3:45] issues that they have. [3:47] What I do is I author passionate [3:49] love-making techniques. I teach you how [3:52] to have really good bedroom [3:53] communication, how to know what you want [3:57] and ask for it confidently, [4:00] have your partner love for you to ask [4:03] them for what you want, feel good about [4:06] it, not like they did anything wrong. [4:09] And then know a whole bunch of [4:12] pleasuring techniques, how their bodies [4:14] work, what what the possibilities are. [4:18] Because [4:19] if you're thinking about sexuality, [4:21] because sex has been so censored, [4:25] nobody even knows what's possible. [4:28] If I say to someone, you know, there's [4:29] over 20 kinds of orgasms that you can [4:31] have, [4:32] they'll be like, "What?" And especially [4:34] men, they don't even they think there's [4:36] one, maybe two. [4:38] Uh where women are like, "There's 20?" [4:40] They are at least aware that there's [4:42] more than one or two, that they could [4:44] have these different, you know, kinds of [4:45] orgasms. And so once you understand [4:49] the communication piece and you [4:51] understand the pleasure piece, then you [4:53] can understand what's possible. And then [4:55] you can begin to try things. [4:57] Okay, so you get an [4:59] email into your inbox and it's from a [5:01] woman. [5:02] Yeah. [5:03] If you had to bet what that question in [5:06] that email was, and all you know that is [5:08] that it's from [5:10] a lady called Suzanne, what would your [5:12] guess be? [5:13] My libido is gone [5:15] and [5:17] um [5:18] I feel really guilty. I feel really bad. [5:21] I'm not interested in sex. Or [5:24] I there's something wrong with me. [5:27] I'm unhappy. I'm unfulfilled. I don't [5:30] feel like what I'm doing is right. [5:32] That's most common with women. [5:34] And if the email came in from a guy [5:36] called David, [5:37] Mhm. [5:38] what would you think he's before you [5:39] click the email, what do you think he's [5:40] asking you? [5:41] Sexual biohacking, erectile dysfunction, [5:44] penis enlargement, male enhancement, all [5:48] of those kinds of things. Guys have a [5:50] lot of men ask me about, [5:53] "I think there's something wrong with my [5:54] penis." [5:55] So, that would be the number one thing [5:56] that would be most likely to be in my [5:58] inbox. [6:00] But, the second thing would be [6:03] something around either I have I have [6:06] some shame around part of my desire, [6:10] or I'm frustrated with my partner that [6:13] I'm not having the kind of sex that I [6:14] want, what do to fix it? So, fixing [6:18] fixing things. People are writing for [6:20] fixing things, whether whether it's men [6:22] or women. That's That's what they reach [6:25] out with are our problems. [6:27] Quality and quantity, or one more than [6:29] the other? [6:30] I would say quality generally, more so [6:32] than quantity. You can fix when you fix [6:34] quality. [6:36] Right? Quantity Quality comes before [6:38] quantity. [6:39] That's true. [6:40] Yeah. [6:41] You have a really atypical journey to [6:43] becoming a sex expert. It's not [6:44] something that you you'd studied when [6:46] you're younger in college or something. [6:47] It's not something that you were It's [6:49] not sort of a an off branch to some [6:50] psychology degree you were doing. You [6:53] became a sex expert at what age? [6:55] 42 is when I went on my sexual expansion [6:59] journey, and started my company shortly [7:02] after that. [7:03] Why sex? Why have in your early 40s did [7:06] you decide to focus on sex when [7:08] previously your career had been about [7:10] many other things? [7:11] Mhm. [7:12] Did something happen? [7:13] Yeah, it did. Right? I was married to [7:15] Tim, my husband, Sir Tim. He's the [7:17] prince among men. I've been with him for [7:19] 33 years now. [7:22] And we were 12 years into our marriage. [7:24] We were a very successful Silicon Valley [7:27] company. My husband invented Rhapsody, [7:29] the first like the the OG Spotify. So, [7:33] we were both in high tech, having IPOs, [7:36] doing incredibly well. We had a [7:38] beautiful daughter. We had a gorgeous [7:39] home overlooking the entire Silicon [7:43] Valley. It was just incredible. But, we [7:47] had become platonic. Not for my [7:50] husband's lack of trying to have sex [7:52] with me, but I just I don't know. I just [7:56] I had sex with with him for a dozen [7:58] years and I never had an orgasm from [8:00] intercourse. [8:01] I could have an orgasm from a vibrator, [8:03] but I couldn't have one from [8:05] intercourse. [8:06] And I'd had some sexual trauma as a [8:08] child as well, which [8:11] Honestly, the majority of people have [8:13] had sexual trauma, whether it's simple [8:16] repression or actual physical abuse of [8:20] some kind. So many of us have had [8:23] trouble and not just women, men too. [8:25] People across the spectrum have had [8:28] you know, things happen to them. [8:30] And [8:33] I avoided him for sex. [8:35] What did your sexual trauma teach you [8:36] about sex? [8:39] Well, it taught me [8:40] that I am [8:43] who I've always been inside myself and [8:46] that no one can take away who I am and [8:48] my power and my sovereignty. [8:51] I've learned that one can move through [8:55] and heal from trauma and that it takes [8:57] both [8:58] talk therapy and empathy from someone as [9:03] well as somatic release, physical body [9:07] release. [9:09] And that often our greatest wound can [9:11] become our greatest gift, which is what [9:14] that trauma did for me. [9:17] The trauma itself. [9:18] Mhm. [9:19] What did that [9:20] traumatic experience convince you that [9:22] sex was or wasn't? [9:24] I always liked sex and I refused to let [9:26] that trauma hurt my sex life, but the [9:29] problem was that I ended up doing [9:31] something called dissociating [9:33] during intimacy. [9:35] And so, if you [9:37] kind of leave the scene emotionally and [9:39] you're just there physically, [9:41] you really don't get that thing, that [9:44] heart connection. You don't find your [9:45] humanity in your lover. You can't really [9:49] touch source through your connection. [9:52] Can you explain that to me, [9:53] dissociation? Cuz I think [9:54] Yeah. [9:55] I've heard people tell me [9:57] privately that that's the issue that [9:59] they had in their sex life for many, [10:00] many years where that they were [10:01] basically disassociated from it. What is [10:03] that? [10:04] It's where you kind of uh you just check [10:06] out. You just you're go you go through [10:08] the motions physically, but you're not [10:10] emotionally there. [10:13] It's protection [10:15] against being hurt again. [10:18] So, once I learned that that's what I [10:20] was doing, my husband would help me, Tim [10:22] would help me come back to him, come [10:25] back to him, come back to him. [10:27] And then, we started going to sex [10:30] workshops. We went beyond therapy and we [10:32] started going to sex workshops. [10:34] And we learned how to have sex. And by [10:37] sex, I don't necessarily just mean [10:38] intercourse. [10:40] We We learned all kinds of things. We [10:42] went to tantra workshops. We went to [10:43] sex, love, and intimacy from the Human [10:45] Awareness Institute. We did ecstatic [10:48] loving. We did orgasmic meditation. We [10:50] did all kinds of things. [10:52] And it just [10:55] lit our sex life on fire once we got [10:58] some skills. We were the blind leading [11:00] the blind. Everybody's the blind leading [11:02] the blind. Everybody. We don't see any [11:06] good examples of heart-connected [11:08] passionate lovemaking. We don't see them [11:10] in film, in the movies. [11:12] We don't see them in pornography. All of [11:14] that is [11:17] male [11:18] patriarchal, religiously repressed [11:22] styles of sex, rather than [11:26] female-focused, [11:28] heart-connected, [11:30] blissful, [11:31] slow, [11:33] pleasurable sex, highly orgasmic sex. [11:38] So, [11:40] I think what what happened for us was we [11:43] had such good sex so easily once someone [11:45] told us what to do that we said, "Oh, [11:48] well, he's already you know, [11:50] sending MP3s all over the internet and [11:53] I'm already sending video all over the [11:55] internet with cable modems. Why don't we [11:56] bring all these courses online?" Because [11:59] very few people are going to go to a sex [12:01] workshop. [12:02] Number one, it costs money. Number two, [12:04] you have to be able to do it. Number [12:05] three, it's scary. [12:07] It's really scary to take off all your [12:08] clothes and go to a sex workshop and do [12:11] hands-on techniques in a room full of [12:12] sweaty people, you know? There's a lot [12:14] to it, right? [12:16] And so we said, "Why don't we put this [12:18] on the internet?" Cuz that's what we're [12:19] good at. Let's put programs on the [12:21] internet that people can [12:23] access from anywhere in the world and [12:26] learn how to make love together, learn [12:28] orgasm techniques and communication [12:30] skills and pleasuring, how the body [12:33] works in ways that will take them to [12:35] places they never even imagined were [12:37] possible. [12:38] Zooming in on that moment where you and [12:40] Tim are struggling in the bedroom. How [12:41] long had it been since you you'd had sex [12:44] or how often were you having sex at that [12:45] point? [12:46] Well, it petered out over time. So, when [12:47] we first met, we had great new [12:49] relationship energy. We we were having [12:51] sex, but it was it was the kind of sex [12:54] that I would call these days [12:56] grab a boob and stick it in. [12:59] Very intercourse focused. [13:03] A bit [13:03] I know, exactly. Like [13:09] And you know, [13:11] I love intercourse. [13:15] And I teach intercourse skills because [13:18] what you see modeled is really [13:23] Oh, man, it's like kindergarten what you [13:26] see out in the market, out in the world. [13:29] And so, how do you have this massively, [13:31] exquisitely, orgasmically, mutually [13:34] pleasurable [13:36] intercourse? [13:38] You just need to learn a couple things. [13:39] That's the great thing about sex. It's [13:40] like, have you ever heard that phrase, a [13:42] little hinge that swings a big door? [13:46] It's like It's like an example of [13:48] leverage, right? One little hinge and a [13:50] giant door and you're like, [13:51] "How does that little hinge swing that [13:53] giant door?" [13:54] That's what sex actually is. If somebody [13:56] tells you what to do, because I mean, my [13:58] operating system and your operating [13:59] system are like everybody's operating [14:01] systems, right? We Our human body works [14:04] the way the human body does. And so, [14:06] women who are walking around going, [14:08] "I'm broken and I can't have an orgasm [14:10] from intercourse." And And her husband's [14:11] like, "Well, I guess you can't, but [14:12] we're still going to have intercourse [14:14] anyway." [14:15] I say to them, "Yes, you can. You just [14:18] need to learn how. You just need to [14:19] cross the gasm chasm, close that orgasm [14:22] gap." [14:23] And so, if I can get more people to [14:26] understand that if something isn't good, [14:29] that they just haven't had it good yet. [14:33] That's [14:35] I think one of the biggest messages I [14:36] can give to your audience is, [14:39] just keep learning. Keep learning new [14:41] skills. But, [14:43] don't miss all the other things. I'll [14:45] give you an example of something in sex [14:46] that really chaps my lips. And that is [14:51] this idea that there's foreplay and sex. [14:55] That comes right out of religious [14:57] repression. [14:58] Because sex is for procreation only, so [15:00] the only thing matters is sex, and sex [15:02] is intercourse. [15:03] Heck, no. Sex is everything. Sex is a [15:06] hot make-out. Sex is rubbing our bodies [15:09] together. Sex is words of appreciation, [15:12] adoration, encouragement. It's [15:15] languorous kissing. It's stroking each [15:18] other. It's [15:20] oral pleasuring. It's intercourse. It's [15:23] playing with toys. It's sex in new [15:26] locations. It's [15:28] you know, filming yourselves and [15:29] watching it while you're holding each [15:31] other later and going, "Oh, you know [15:33] what the best moment for me was?" No, [15:35] tell me. The best moment for me was XYZ [15:38] and you're like, "Are you [15:40] That was your best moment?" Yeah, what [15:42] was your best moment? My best moment I [15:43] mean, those are the things that make sex [15:46] great, that make you want to have it [15:47] again. [15:49] In that moment when you and Tim hadn't [15:51] have been having sex, so you sex had [15:52] completely dried up. [15:53] I really avoided him as much as I [15:55] possibly could. I was giving him what I [15:56] now call mercy sex. [16:00] What is that mercy sex? [16:01] Well, it's like, well, he's going to be [16:03] a miserable man if I don't throw him a [16:06] bone once in a while. [16:08] And how often was once in a while? [16:10] Oh god, like [16:12] couple times a month at the worst. [16:15] Yeah. [16:15] Couple times a month at the worst, once [16:17] every other week or [16:18] Yeah, like every week or 10 days I'd be [16:20] like, all right, I got to do it again. [16:22] And how did you feel at the time about [16:24] sex? [16:24] guilty. [16:26] And he was like, I wonder if I married a [16:27] lesbian. Like he [16:29] couldn't believe I didn't want to have [16:30] sex. [16:31] But at the start of the relationship you [16:33] did or [16:34] you were just kind of [16:34] The problem is the new relationship [16:36] energy wears off and when you have [16:37] absolutely no skill, [16:39] neither of you know what you're doing [16:40] and it's not good for her, how long is [16:42] she going to want to keep doing it? [16:44] You know what's funny? I have one of the [16:46] programs that I wrote really early on is [16:48] a program called revive her drive. And [16:50] it's a sneaky little name because guys [16:53] will buy it and I say to them, [16:56] "This program won't help you if sex has [16:58] never been good. You need a therapist. [17:01] But if sex used to be good and now it's [17:03] not, [17:04] you can fix it." And so they buy it [17:07] thinking they're going to revive her [17:08] drive. They're going to fix her. [17:10] And when And then they're like, "Ooh, [17:11] you sneaky little devil. [17:14] You fixed me. It was me. I just was [17:17] treating I was like trying to have sex [17:19] with my wife [17:21] like she's a dude. And now I understand [17:24] what what what her body wants. And now I [17:26] know what she needs for me. And and she [17:29] loves sex now. So, that is very very [17:33] common. [17:34] But you had to fix your trauma as well [17:36] in your situation. [17:38] And how did you go about fixing that? [17:40] I I did a number of things. Um the first [17:42] thing that I did was I worked with a a [17:44] sexual trauma therapist. [17:46] Mhm. [17:46] And [17:48] I also worked with someone who does [17:51] more of a a little bit of a different [17:53] method called the circling method. [17:55] And I uh also worked with some somatic [17:59] therapists over the years. [18:01] It was pretty quick for me. I'm very [18:04] lucky. [18:05] And and I don't want to I don't want to [18:08] say that it's as easy for other people [18:10] as it is for me. I'm a I'm a fast [18:13] changer. [18:15] I have a lot of behavioral flexibility [18:17] and I'm very comfortable in discomfort. [18:21] I'm very comfortable crossing a chasm, [18:23] very comfortable in uncertainty. [18:26] I think because I grew up in Silicon [18:28] Valley, my career in my in the in my 20s [18:31] and 30s was Silicon Valley and it's [18:32] always changing. It's always like, you [18:34] know, up, we're doing this now, you [18:36] know, it's always a [18:37] So, [18:39] and also, a lot of people have trouble [18:42] because of their [18:44] genetic snips because they have [18:48] serotonin pathways where when they've [18:50] experienced trauma, [18:52] every time they think about it, it feels [18:55] like a raw wound. [18:58] They can't get over it because every [19:00] time they think about it, it's like it's [19:02] a fresh cut. [19:04] Not that's not me. So, I was able to [19:06] move through things. And mostly what [19:09] helped me [19:10] was being able to say, I remember one of [19:12] the one of the things I had to do was I [19:14] had to write down every single sexual [19:19] trauma, injustice, [19:21] frustration, wound, hurt, pain that I'd [19:24] ever experienced. [19:27] And I thought, oh, this is really going [19:28] to make me sick. [19:31] And my therapist said, it won't. [19:34] It won't. Don't worry. Just get it out. [19:37] I want you to come back on our next [19:39] appointment and I want you to [19:42] tell me every single thing. I want to [19:44] witness it. I want to know what you've [19:46] been through. I want you to remember it [19:48] all and we're going to put it behind [19:50] you. [19:51] And that was very, very helpful for me. [19:53] Finally someone heard everything that I [19:56] had gone through and all the things that [19:58] had been done to me. [20:00] And all the injustices that had happened [20:02] to me. [20:03] And it really helped me move through it. [20:05] But not that's not the right therapy for [20:07] any everyone. [20:09] People need different types of therapy. [20:11] And remember, I'm not a therapist. So [20:13] what I do is I deal in the how do you [20:16] have hot sex, not in the let me fix your [20:20] problem. I had to fix my problems to [20:22] learn about it. But once I did, I was [20:25] like, tell I want to know all about how [20:27] to have the best sex that keeps getting [20:29] better. What does that take? And that's [20:32] been my decades of study. [20:34] How did you know you had a problem? [20:36] And how did you know you had something [20:37] that needed to be healed? [20:39] And you and it wasn't just that, you [20:40] know, Tim's a little bit I'm not just [20:42] not attracted to Tim anymore or maybe I [20:44] just don't like sex. How did you know [20:48] how did you have the awareness to even [20:50] go to a therapist? [20:54] Because [20:57] we thought there was something wrong [20:58] with me. [21:00] And so we went to a therapist. [21:03] And she said, okay, well, tell me what [21:04] what your sex is like. And I started [21:06] telling her and she said, "Okay. [21:08] Let's unwind this. Let's unpack this. [21:09] Let's heal all of this." [21:11] And how did you get to the point that [21:13] you knew that the trauma was at the [21:14] heart of many of these challenges? [21:17] All she had to do was ask me what my sex [21:18] life had been like and what I'd gone [21:20] through, and I told her all the [21:21] injustices and the horrible things that [21:23] had happened to me, which are not [21:25] unique. I The thing about me is that I'm [21:28] pretty much just like everybody else. [21:30] I'm not special in any way. The only [21:33] thing that's special about me is that I [21:35] have the courage to talk about things [21:36] that a lot of people don't. They feel [21:38] embarrassed. That's just my I don't [21:40] know. [21:40] When you say sexual injustice [21:42] Mhm. [21:43] and trauma [21:43] Mhm. [21:44] give me a give give me a menu of things [21:46] that someone at home who's trying to [21:48] understand if those things might have [21:49] had an impact on their sex drive. [21:51] Sure. [21:52] It can be anything from [21:55] um [21:56] never knowing how your parts work or [21:59] what the names of them are or [22:00] understanding how your body works. [22:03] It could be [22:05] uh that you that sex is bad or uh [22:09] shaming. [22:10] It could be uh and this is something [22:13] that many people struggle with. [22:15] And that is [22:17] my parents never told me about sex, and [22:20] they never showed that they were sexual. [22:23] I feel like I came from a very stoic [22:27] uh repressed family, and it's impacted [22:30] my sex life. [22:32] And one of the things that I often have [22:34] to say to people is, "Your mom and your [22:36] dad did the best they could do. [22:39] They didn't know anything. They were [22:41] probably kids themselves. [22:43] And they loved you. They just weren't [22:45] equipped to help you with this. Not only [22:48] that, but it's not really their job. [22:51] Your sexuality and your sex life is your [22:54] job. [22:55] And when you take it on as something [22:57] that's a part of what you have to learn, [22:59] like the things you do for your career [23:01] or the things that you do to support [23:03] your family. And when you put it in that [23:05] bucket, and you let go of the victim [23:08] mindset, and the victim mentality, and [23:11] you say, "Okay, what do I need to do? [23:13] What is right? What is possible?" Then [23:16] you get into the fun parts. You can move [23:18] move through the trauma. So, it could be [23:20] abuse, it could be repression, it could [23:22] be shame, it could be lack of knowledge, [23:25] which could lack of knowledge [23:27] creates fear. [23:29] Fear is the enemy of pleasure. [23:32] So, once you start teaching people about [23:36] their bodies, about pleasure, but we [23:38] know that there's nature and there's [23:40] nurture around sexuality, too. The [23:42] nature is how my parts work versus your [23:45] parts work. And I'd really like to talk [23:47] to you about that, because I think [23:49] that's one of those little hinges that [23:50] swings big doors. Once you start to [23:51] understand the difference between male [23:54] and female arousal, you can begin to [23:56] have much better sex together, because [23:59] when you don't understand, [24:01] you're doing [24:02] You know, you know the golden rule, do [24:04] unto others as you'd have them do unto [24:05] you. That's what most people do in sex. [24:07] They treat their partner the way they [24:09] want to be treated, instead of treating [24:10] their partner the way their partner [24:12] needs to be treated. That's the platinum [24:14] rule. [24:15] So, I've just got two more questions on [24:16] this point before we move on to some of [24:17] these real specific things we've been [24:19] hearing about. I read that Tim cheated [24:21] on you at the time. He was having an [24:23] affair. [24:23] don't even like that word. [24:26] Really? [24:26] No, because I actually I remember when I [24:30] found out that Tim was [24:31] having a relationship with a woman who [24:34] was also in a sexless marriage. And we [24:37] were in what was basically a sexless [24:39] marriage at the time. [24:40] How did you find out? [24:42] He told me. [24:43] He came clean, and he told me. And I [24:46] remember the shame. [24:49] And I felt like it was my fault [24:53] that I'd not been a good wife. [24:56] When I look back at it, [24:59] what I realized was that he was just [25:01] trying to cope. He loved me. [25:05] And he loved our family. [25:07] And he he just wanted to feel pleasure [25:10] and connection. And he wasn't getting [25:13] that from me. [25:14] And for some reason, it is just easier [25:17] for women to give up their sexuality [25:19] than for men generally. [25:21] I want to say one thing about everything [25:23] I'm going to say on your show, and that [25:25] is that sex [25:27] is a bell curve. There are people at one [25:30] end of the spectrum and the other, but [25:32] I'm almost always just talking to the [25:34] big bell curve in the middle, the [25:36] average dude and his lady. That's That's [25:40] where my sweet spot is. So, [25:43] when he when he was having that affair, [25:46] all he was trying to do was stay in the [25:48] marriage and not be miserable. [25:50] And once I got right with that, and I [25:51] realized he didn't do anything to me, [25:53] and I didn't even look at it I don't [25:54] even look at it as cheating. I literally [25:56] look at it as that man was still trying [25:57] to stay married to me. He loved me. [26:00] And so, it was it was our mutual [26:02] problem, which was a lack of knowledge. [26:04] He didn't understand how my body worked. [26:06] I didn't understand how my body worked. [26:08] Once we learned that, [26:09] we learned technique, and I was able to [26:11] stay present and connected with him and [26:15] not leave my body in worry that [26:18] something bad was going to happen. When [26:20] it started to be pleasurable instead of [26:22] me just servicing my husband. [26:25] Did you separate when he told you that, [26:27] or did you stay together? [26:28] Well, [26:29] there was a moment where in the [26:31] beginning, [26:33] when he told me that he was seeing [26:34] someone else, [26:36] I thought maybe it's best that we stop [26:38] being together. [26:40] And I remember that he had packed up his [26:42] things, and he was driving out of our [26:45] house, and I was standing at the doorway [26:48] of my big, beautiful Silicon Valley [26:50] mansion [26:51] in the height of career [26:53] my little daughter our little daughter [26:55] was standing there 6 years old and she [26:57] had this little blanky that she loved. [26:59] You know how kids love their blankies [27:01] and she had it had this little soft [27:03] satin border on it and she would rub it [27:05] on her lip to kind of soothe herself and [27:07] she was holding my hand and she was [27:09] rubbing that blanket on her lip and [27:11] daddy drove around to the side to the [27:13] front of the house and he stopped and he [27:16] was looking out the window and he was [27:17] waving goodbye and she said [27:20] but it gets me every time I do every [27:23] time I even think about this moment in [27:25] my life. She's like [27:28] but [27:29] will you still be my daddy? [27:32] And I was like [27:34] oh what am I doing? [27:37] I love this guy. How did we get here? I [27:40] can't ruin her. I can't I could never do [27:43] better than Sir Tim. I could never do [27:46] better than him. He's [27:48] an amazing human being. My God. Steven, [27:51] he's been the wind beneath my wings for [27:54] more than half my life. I've known him [27:57] for longer than I haven't now. [27:59] He's the solid, you know, [28:03] person I sit on top of that get allows [28:07] me to be out here in the world giving [28:09] people hope and instructions [28:11] on how to have what I have which is [28:14] amazing. [28:15] And so when I when she said that I said [28:20] turn around, come back. We got to fix [28:22] it. And I had seen all of our friends [28:24] were getting divorced and it wasn't [28:25] money cuz we were all making money. It [28:27] was Silicon Valley in the dot com era. [28:30] And uh [28:33] so he came back. We said what are we [28:35] going to do about it? And we started [28:37] therapy and then we started going to sex [28:39] workshops and within I mean months it [28:42] sorted itself out and we started having [28:44] great sex. [28:46] Did your sex life change [28:49] in terms of the dynamics of it? Are you [28:51] in a monogamous relationship? [28:53] We were in a monogamous relationship for [28:55] many years, [28:57] but we opened our relationship when we [29:01] got really good in bed together. We were [29:02] like, "Hey, this is so much fun. Let's [29:04] have some sex with some other people." [29:07] And so we did. [29:10] And it was not without its challenges. [29:12] It's never without its challenges when [29:14] you you know, when you go beyond the [29:17] scope of monogamy, but um [29:20] I don't regret any of it, even the bad [29:21] parts. [29:22] And what is that called? Cuz there's all [29:24] these names for different relationship [29:25] dynamics. Do you have a name for it? [29:27] Well, the if you think about it as a [29:29] tree, [29:30] Yeah. [29:30] there's it's non-monogamy is the tree [29:33] and it could be called ethical [29:34] non-monogamy or consensual non-monogamy. [29:36] There's there's polyamory, there's open [29:39] relationships, there's lifestyles and [29:41] swingers and the pineapple people. [29:43] There's you know, all kinds of things. [29:45] And then there's my latest favorite [29:47] flavor, which is a kind of a new flavor. [29:49] And that is because I've I've been in an [29:51] open relationship with my husband for [29:52] over two decades now. So, for 20 years, [29:55] 20 out of 33 years. We've been open [29:57] longer than we've been closed. And we [30:00] were shepherded by people who are now in [30:04] their 70s and 80s who are still in their [30:06] open relationships and they taught us a [30:08] lot about what to do to keep ourselves [30:10] safe, both physically and emotionally, [30:13] which is something interesting. [30:16] And [30:18] the one that I'm enjoying right now is [30:19] relationship anarchy. [30:22] That's what you call it? [30:23] Well, that's what people call. Some some [30:24] people call it that. And I and that's [30:27] one of the That's one of the branches on [30:28] the tree of non-monogamy. [30:31] And the thing that I want to say about [30:32] non-monogamy, whatever flavor you like, [30:35] is that [30:37] two things. Number one, I'm not [30:40] here to tell anyone that what I do is [30:42] better than what they do. I am not a [30:45] polyamorous proponent or any of those [30:47] things. It's just what I do. But Steve, [30:50] I mean, I'm a sexpert. [30:52] I'm I stand up here telling you that I [30:56] can teach you how to be better in bed [30:58] than you are. [30:59] If I only had one partner, [31:02] how much could I know? Every single [31:05] partner I've ever had, [31:07] I've had them safely using safe sex [31:10] techniques, which I'd love to explain to [31:12] you, and I've had so many incredible [31:17] experiences. [31:19] Who initiates that conversation in your [31:22] relationship? Cuz I think this is the [31:24] first challenge in most relationships is [31:26] figuring out like how do you go about [31:27] having that conversation with someone [31:29] without them biting your head off [31:30] potentially? [31:31] Well, here's an interesting thing. One [31:32] of the things that really helped us save [31:35] our marriage at the time that we went to [31:37] the therapists and we went to the sex [31:40] workshops. We did another thing. [31:43] We did uh [31:46] one of our friends um uh [31:49] was a coach for Brad Blanton and he [31:51] wrote a book called Radical Honesty. [31:54] And we said, Tim and I said, "Look, we [31:56] just have to be totally honest with each [31:58] other. We've been pussyfooting, [32:00] sugarcoating, withholding, you know, for [32:03] 12 years now, 14 years. We've got to be [32:07] honest if we're going to save our [32:08] marriage." And so we started the [32:10] practice of telling the truth. Because [32:13] my god, when you start actually trying [32:16] to tell the truth, you realize how [32:18] societally im- embedded [32:22] not telling the truth is. [32:24] What was the most painful truth he told [32:25] you? [32:30] Mm-mm. Maybe just [32:33] the one that he that he was [32:35] with someone else. Might have been the [32:37] worst one and I felt so much shame about [32:39] that, like I'd done something wrong. But [32:41] nothing, it turns out. The truth is [32:43] juicy, exciting, [32:46] interesting. [32:47] Offensive? [32:48] No. [32:48] No? [32:49] No, because if it's said with love, if [32:52] thing if honest honesty doesn't have to [32:54] be mean. Honesty is just [32:57] your truth, your boundaries, your [32:59] desires, your your foibles, your you [33:03] know. [33:03] the most offensive tr- like someone [33:06] someone turns to [33:07] my partner turns to me and goes, [33:09] "Listen, you you are out of shape and [33:11] I'm just not feeling it." [33:12] Yeah. [33:13] Well, why wouldn't your partner turn to [33:14] you and say First of all, you're not, [33:15] you're absolutely gorgeous, [33:17] you. [33:17] but if in fact you feel like your [33:20] partner is is not taking care of [33:22] themselves, [33:23] um it would be more [33:25] kind to say, "I'm worried about your [33:28] health. [33:29] I don't think you're taking care of [33:31] yourself well enough and I love you and [33:33] I want you to do a better job. How can I [33:35] support you?" [33:36] You know what? You can love me more [33:39] fully if you know exactly who I am and [33:42] where my boundaries and edges are [33:44] and and you get to honor and respect [33:46] those, then you know you're loving me [33:49] exactly the way I want you to love me. [33:52] Or I can decide I don't love you, I [33:53] guess. [33:53] Yeah, you could decide you don't love [33:55] me. [33:56] Yeah, that's okay. Hey, I'm not for [33:58] everyone. [33:59] And I'm okay with that, too. [34:02] So, how did you come to be polyamorous? [34:05] Polyamorous, right. Um well, we started [34:08] to have experiences with people. [34:12] Was it your idea or his idea? [34:14] It was our mutual idea because we had [34:16] gone to workshops where we had [34:19] experienced light [34:21] with groups of people, like I remember [34:23] one time I was at a workshop and there [34:25] were four of us paired together and Tim [34:27] was in a different group and we were [34:29] doing like sensation play where one [34:32] person would [34:34] lie down and receive sensation, and the [34:36] other three people would give it to [34:38] them. [34:38] And at the same time that they were [34:40] giving them sensation, like oh, rubbing [34:42] your feet, playing with your boobs, you [34:44] know, whatever, kissing or stroking your [34:46] hair, whatever, and then they would also [34:49] give you an angel shower. They would [34:51] tell all at the same time, they would [34:54] tell you things they loved about you. [34:57] Things that they thought were really [34:58] attractive about you, or things that [34:59] they noticed about you. And when you get [35:02] an angel shower from a group of people, [35:06] you [35:07] you can't negate it. It goes in because [35:09] there's so much kindness coming at you [35:13] that you're defenseless against it, and [35:16] so you kind of take it in instead of [35:18] going, oh no, no, that's not true, [35:19] that's not true. That's what people are [35:20] taught to do. It's like one of my [35:22] favorite games that I like to teach [35:24] people is a game called three things I [35:26] love about you. [35:28] And Tim and I have been playing it for [35:30] decades now. [35:32] And whenever I want, I say to him, can [35:34] you tell me three things that you love [35:35] about me? [35:36] And I particularly like it when we start [35:38] our love making dates, because I notice [35:40] that I I really need that reassurance [35:44] that I'm loved and appreciated. And so [35:47] I'll want him to tell me three things [35:49] that he loves about me, and we have this [35:50] little the little part of our game is [35:52] never say the same thing twice. So for [35:55] decades, we've been telling each other [35:57] what we love about each other and not [35:59] repeating things. [36:02] And when you really start to get good at [36:04] offering up love [36:07] and noticing what you love about [36:10] someone, [36:11] um [36:13] you just you're in love more. You're [36:15] just in love with people more. You're in [36:17] love instead of in judgment. [36:20] We reached out to some of our audience [36:21] ahead of this conversation, and we asked [36:23] them [36:24] to send us their questions. [36:26] Okay. [36:27] And then my team [36:28] Mhm. [36:28] sat down with some of these individuals. [36:30] We masked them through using some [36:32] actors. Um and got them to say [36:36] we got them to talk about some of the [36:37] problems they have in their lives. This [36:39] is the first time we've ever done this. [36:40] So, I wanted to play to you some of the [36:43] challenges that they have. Especially, [36:45] I'm going to play one that kind of [36:46] overlaps with the experience you went [36:48] through with Tim. [36:49] Yeah. [36:50] My name is Eliza. I [36:53] um I'm in my 40s. I'm a mother of two [36:56] lovely little girls. [36:58] And that big question I have is how [37:03] can I find [37:06] that intimacy again [37:09] with someone that has [37:11] just been [37:14] so disconnected. [37:17] So, is she saying that her partner is [37:19] disconnected? And she wants to find her [37:21] way back to intimacy with her partner? [37:23] I'm going to play you a few more from [37:24] Eliza. [37:25] Because I think this will help sort of [37:27] uh [37:28] fill the jigsaw puzzle a little bit. Um [37:31] there's another one here. [37:35] Work. [37:36] Um [37:37] doctors' appointments. [37:40] And yeah, we get very little time [37:42] together, the two of us. And I think [37:43] it's really easy to [37:47] just [37:51] pass like ships in the night. [37:53] And it'd be nice to have a conversation [37:55] that wasn't about [37:56] what's for dinner or [38:01] you know, what [38:03] the kids have going on the next day. [38:07] I really miss having [38:10] real conversations. I don't remember the [38:13] last time [38:14] we had one. [38:16] Is that a familiar situation? [38:18] Yeah. Especially during the time of [38:21] children raising. [38:23] Um [38:25] you think about your sexuality in eras. [38:28] Generally, your your 20s, you don't know [38:31] nothing from nothing and it's all new [38:33] and exciting and you know, you're just [38:35] finding out what it's like and [38:38] experimenting. In your 30s, you're if [38:41] you're going to have your children, [38:42] that's typically when most people are [38:44] having them now. [38:46] And [38:47] um you know, all of a sudden you have no [38:49] sleep, you're exhausted, those kids are [38:51] just like [38:53] draining you and you can barely keep up [38:55] and your relationship [38:57] head south, your sexual relationship [39:00] head south. Um by the time you're in [39:02] your 40s, you're like, wait a minute. [39:05] I've got to fight for my sex life now. I [39:07] mean like I can't let it go. You begin [39:10] to realize that you've missed a lot and [39:13] you want more. [39:15] In your [39:16] 50s, you think to yourself, oh, I better [39:19] get it now cuz I'm going to get old die. [39:21] And your 60s, you go, oh, [39:23] I'm still I'm still alive and I did get [39:25] some good sex and I it is really good [39:27] and I'm looking forward to my 70s and my [39:29] 80s, too, you know? And so [39:32] if you keep your body in good shape. [39:35] I mean, that's quite a pertinent point [39:37] because one of the things Eliza said [39:39] Yeah. [39:40] is this. [39:41] I think one thing that I wasn't prepared [39:43] for [39:44] at all was [39:46] how much my body was going to change. [39:51] I mean, everything [39:54] changed. Like my [39:58] I it got to the point where I [40:02] didn't recognize I don't recognize my [40:05] own [40:06] body anymore. I don't feel comfortable. [40:10] My body doesn't feel like it's mine. [40:15] And I've [40:17] really fallen out of love with [40:22] me [40:23] and with my body. [40:24] Estrogen is a molecule, a hormone of [40:28] protection. [40:29] Because women are prey and men are [40:31] predators in the general scheme of [40:32] things, we have to be very, very [40:34] careful. And so estrogen [40:36] protects us in many, many ways. And one [40:39] of the ways that it does is it makes us [40:40] judgmental, makes us judgy. And one of [40:43] the ways that spills over is that we [40:44] become judgy about ourselves and we [40:46] become very judgy about our bodies. We [40:48] have body image issues that we fight [40:51] against. [40:52] And [40:54] she's [40:55] she's Eliza is probably [40:57] beautiful, but she doesn't think she is. [41:00] She thinks that she doesn't look good [41:01] anymore and then she thinks that makes [41:03] her less desirable. [41:05] Her husband likely is working very hard [41:08] and kind of has thrown himself into work [41:10] and he's probably in overwhelm as well [41:13] trying to do all of this and he feels [41:14] disconnected from her. And so he's [41:16] probably feeling pretty lost and he [41:18] doesn't know how to get back to her [41:19] either. He doesn't have the skills to do [41:21] that. [41:22] And [41:24] one of the things that I often say to [41:27] women especially is that sex is a [41:28] mindfulness practice. [41:30] You just have to keep bringing yourself [41:33] back to connection [41:35] to your heart. [41:37] You have to [41:39] bring yourself back to your husband. [41:41] Nobody cares what your body looks like. [41:44] It's a It's your It's your cell bag. You [41:46] got 72 trillion cells. There they are. [41:49] Take good care of them. You got only so [41:51] much time. Enjoy your life. When you're [41:54] stressed and you're producing cortisol [41:56] and adrenaline and you're exhausted, [41:59] this is when you need to say, "Oh, I [42:01] really need to have some good orgasms. I [42:03] really need to be held by my husband." [42:06] On these body image issues, is it [42:08] usually [42:09] the person saying [42:11] they're unhappy with their own body or [42:12] is it the partner saying they're unhappy [42:15] with their partner's body? [42:16] It's almost always the woman saying she [42:18] doesn't think she looks good. And I [42:20] would say the large majority of the [42:22] partners say [42:24] she looks great to me. I picked her cuz [42:26] I like the way she looks. She still [42:27] looks good to me. [42:28] Is it ever the guy saying he doesn't [42:29] like how he looks? [42:31] Not that often. [42:33] Because testosterone has rose-colored [42:36] lenses. [42:37] Testosterone makes you the warrior, the [42:41] single-minded focus. You know how if a [42:43] guy is doing something, you can't [42:45] interrupt him with another thing cuz [42:47] he's on the task, and women are [42:49] multitaskers, their eyes and their eyes [42:51] and ears are on everything? That's the [42:53] difference between testosterone and [42:54] estrogen. And so he thinks he looks [42:57] better than he does, and she thinks she [42:59] looks worse than she does. [43:01] If they now feel like two ships passing [43:03] in the night as Eliza said in that [43:05] video, [43:05] Yeah. [43:06] what is step one? [43:08] Yeah. Step one is often just holding [43:12] each other. One of the techniques there [43:14] I have these two techniques that come [43:16] from one of my books. One of my most [43:18] popular books is a book called um [43:20] Sexual Soulmates. [43:22] Because Sexual Soulmates are not out [43:25] there [43:27] waiting for you. You co-create [43:30] your connection with your partner. And [43:32] even if you've lost that connection, you [43:34] can have many renaissance in your [43:36] relationship throughout the years. You [43:38] can come back together and it can be [43:40] better than ever again. [43:42] And [43:43] there are two techniques out of that [43:45] book that I think are kind of like a [43:46] foundation. One of them is called the [43:48] Sexual Soulmate Pact, and that pact is [43:50] an agreement between partners [43:52] where I can say anything I want to you, [43:55] and you're going to be happy I told you, [43:57] and you're not going to take it as [43:58] criticism or you did anything wrong. [44:01] You're going to be hungry for me to tell [44:04] you what I have an appetite for, what I [44:06] want, how I'm feeling. Am I a kitty cat? [44:10] Do you need to hold me in your arms? Do [44:12] you need to pet me? Do you need to let [44:14] me release and calm down and get some [44:17] things off my chest? Do you just need to [44:19] provide that holding? [44:23] Or am I a lioness? Do I want you to [44:27] ravish me? Do I want to be pounced on? [44:29] Do you I want you to carry me to the [44:31] bedroom and throw me down on the bed and [44:34] rip my clothes off and tell me how [44:36] gorgeous I am and eat me up. [44:38] We want those things in that range all [44:41] the time. But what couples forget is to [44:44] start with holding and being held. [44:47] Because when we do that, we generate [44:49] oxytocin. And the oxytocin is kind of [44:52] like the antidote [44:54] to all the cortisol we're pumping out [44:56] constantly with the kids and the school [44:58] and the stress and the job and the [45:01] politics and the you know, every all [45:03] this crazy stuff. We need to be held and [45:07] to hold. [45:08] So step one then is have the [45:10] conversation and step two is to [45:14] just hold essentially. Hold each other. [45:16] You don't even need to have a [45:17] conversation. You can just go crawl into [45:19] your partner's arms and say And this is [45:20] something that I love to teach men. I [45:22] love to teach men how to run a woman a [45:25] menu of small offers. [45:28] So the problem is that they're both [45:30] feeling Eliza and her husband are likely [45:32] both they're dissatisfied they feel [45:34] disconnected. [45:35] They're not speaking about it. [45:36] They're not speaking about it and [45:39] she feels like we should be having sex [45:42] but we're not. Right? It's the should I [45:44] should be having sex and what is sex? [45:46] Intercourse. [45:48] Well, she's not turned on. She hasn't [45:50] had sex in God knows how long. She's not [45:52] ready to be penetrated. [45:55] She needs to get warmed up. You know, [45:57] it's very very slow the female arousal [46:00] system. [46:02] And it takes 15, 20, 30 minutes when [46:05] it's been a long time between lovemaking [46:08] sessions to get out of your head, into [46:11] your body, calmed down. Because arousal, [46:15] it's not I'm going to push your buttons [46:17] and I'm going to spin your dials, which [46:19] is what guys try to do. They're like, [46:21] "I've got a goal. I got to give her an [46:22] orgasm. Let's go. I'm full speed ahead." [46:25] Where in reality it's, "Oh, I need to [46:27] hold her. I need to grab her up in my [46:29] big muscular arms and I need to just let [46:32] her calm down and [46:35] relax. [46:37] Remember what she loved about you [46:40] and how much she loves you and how how [46:42] good you smell and how good you feel and [46:45] how safe she feels right in this moment. [46:47] You used the word should. [46:49] Should is such a [46:50] What did I say? [46:51] corrosive. When you were saying, "We [46:53] should be having" [46:54] Right. [46:55] How often how much harm do you think [46:57] should does? As in when I say should, I [46:59] really mean it's a social comparison. [47:01] It's like an external comparison. I've [47:03] watched this movie, I spoke to my [47:04] friend, they're doing it this often, [47:06] they're doing it like this, so we should [47:08] be doing it like them. [47:10] Mhm. [47:10] How much harm do you think that does? [47:12] I've seen it in all my relationships. [47:13] I've seen [47:14] Guilt, guilt, guilt. [47:15] Yeah, like the comparison to other [47:17] people who are just not you [47:19] it can do so much harm and [47:21] I I think in my current relationship, [47:22] we've basically banned comparison. So [47:24] we've banned each other speaking about [47:26] our unmet needs through the lens of [47:28] other people or our past relationships. [47:31] And I think it really helps. [47:33] You know? [47:33] I do, too. [47:34] I think that if Eliza stopped [47:37] feeling guilty and said, "Okay, I just [47:41] I'm just going to start small." And if [47:43] her husband if she said to her husband, [47:46] "I just want to start small again. I [47:48] just want to Let's crawl and then walk [47:50] and then run back to lovemaking when we [47:53] can. Let's acknowledge that we're in the [47:55] time of our relationship when the kids [47:58] make it really hard. Let's acknowledge [48:01] that we want to have more intimacy [48:02] together. [48:04] And let's start with small offers. And [48:07] then if he starts saying to her, [48:10] "How about Thursday night, [48:12] I bring home some Chinese. We get the [48:14] kids in the bath. We get them in bed. We [48:16] divide and conquer. We put them down. [48:18] I'll go in, take a quick shower. I'll [48:21] set up the bedroom. I'll set up the [48:22] nest. I'll light a candle. I'll lay out [48:24] some fresh towels. I'll get your [48:25] favorite lube. I'll put on the sexy [48:28] playlist that you like. And all I want [48:31] you to do is relax. There's no pressure [48:35] to do anything. I won't be mad if we [48:39] don't have intercourse. What I'm going [48:41] to do is I'm going to hold you. I'm [48:42] going to get my hands on you. I'm going [48:44] to rub whatever hurts. I'm going to tell [48:46] you how much I love you. I'm going to [48:47] snuggle you. I might kiss you if you [48:50] want to kiss me. We'll see how it goes. [48:52] No pressure." [48:53] Why? [48:54] Why no pressure? [48:55] Because if she has pressure, then she's [48:58] going to feel stressed. And if she feels [49:02] stressed, she can't get into arousal. As [49:05] soon as you take the pressure off, [49:08] and let her just see what happens, [49:12] then her body will go into arousal and [49:16] connection and feel safe and relaxed, [49:19] and she'll start to let down and get [49:22] that turn on going. [49:24] I guess the starting point then, as you [49:25] said, is the communication part, right? [49:28] Because that you can't even get to that [49:30] point if you're in a situation. I've [49:31] been in that situation once in my sexual [49:34] history where [49:35] it was so awkward that [49:38] like it just gets the awkwardness just [49:40] compounds, where you're not even [49:41] speaking about something. [49:42] Yeah. [49:43] And so you're getting in bed. You're [49:44] both just kind of out. [49:45] Laying in silence and oh my god, he's [49:47] thinking about it, and I'm thinking [49:48] about it. [49:49] Right. I hope he doesn't remember. [49:50] about it, and I hope he doesn't ask me, [49:51] and I'll pretend to sleep and all of [49:53] that stuff. I've been there. [49:54] Yeah. [49:54] Um and really what broke it was the two [49:57] things you said. The first thing was you [49:59] got to talk about it. And the second [50:00] thing was removing the pressure and the [50:02] blame and and the judgment. [50:05] And if you can get there, and I think [50:07] much of the reason why people don't want [50:08] to talk about it sometimes [50:10] is because they they might have a little [50:12] bit of a risk that if they're honest [50:14] about how they're feeling then the other [50:15] the the person might leave or they might [50:17] be mad or they they might not hang [50:19] around long enough for you to fix it [50:21] together. [50:23] You know? And also you don't know how to [50:24] fix it. So it's difficult sometimes in [50:26] life to say I've got a problem, but I [50:28] have no idea what the solution is. [50:30] You know? [50:30] Yeah. [50:31] This is one of the reasons that I like [50:33] erotic play dates so much. [50:35] What's that? [50:36] Erotic play dates are so [50:38] All right, I've written hundreds of sex [50:40] techniques. [50:42] I've written dozens of communication [50:45] skills. [50:47] And what people really want, they don't [50:50] necessarily just want a technique or a [50:51] skill, they just want to have fun. They [50:54] want erotic adventure. [50:57] I just want to have fun having sex with [50:59] you. I don't want it to be like I'm [51:01] going to be finding your, you know, G [51:04] spot or whatever. Like that's fun. [51:06] That's fun. That could be one of the [51:07] things you want to do. That could be one [51:09] of your erotic play dates. It's like, [51:11] let's find our G spot. Let's try this [51:13] sex toy. Let's do a lingerie photo [51:15] shoot. Let's have sex on the dining room [51:17] table when the kids are away. Let's do [51:20] whatever. When you start to think about [51:22] your sexuality not as oh, we have to [51:25] grab a boob and stick it in. [51:28] We have to have intercourse. [51:30] Um and when you move away from that and [51:31] you take the pressure off, you have a [51:32] lot more intercourse. [51:35] Because you have a you start having fun. [51:37] You start trying things. And when you [51:39] try things, you have new relationship [51:42] energy. [51:43] Sex is an equation. [51:47] It is two things. [51:49] Good sex is [51:51] half of it is safety and security. [51:54] I trust this person. They're not going [51:56] to give me STIs. You know, they're [51:58] they're going to they're going to be [51:59] fun. Um I like them. They smell good. [52:02] They taste good. You know, that [52:04] I they're going to be good have sex [52:06] with. But if you you just have that [52:12] boring, you know? It's like that's the [52:14] death knell for your sex life is when [52:17] it's just safe. [52:19] Boring. Sounds so boring. So, variety, [52:23] novelty, [52:24] erotic adventures, erotic play dates, [52:28] learning new things together. [52:30] When you have this seat, this foundation [52:34] of trust and safety, [52:37] and good communication, I can say [52:39] anything I want to you and you're going [52:40] to love me and you're going to [52:41] appreciate that I'm telling you what I [52:43] need all the time. [52:45] When you have that, and then you add all [52:47] the novelty, ooh, did you hear about [52:50] that heated sex toy or that one that [52:52] blows up in your vagina? It inflates. [52:54] What's that like? Or oh, let's find your [52:56] P-spot. Or let's try this penis ring. Or [52:59] whatever it might be. Um once you start [53:02] doing those things, then not only that, [53:03] but you have something to look forward [53:05] to. [53:06] You're like, okay. So, one of the things [53:08] that I like to offer people is a is [53:10] understanding what's on your sex life [53:12] bucket list. [53:14] So, what I did was I took 48 of my best [53:18] sexy ideas and I made a sex life bucket [53:21] list with all 48 of them. And then it's [53:24] basically this little printout here. I [53:25] I'll just give you one. [53:27] For me? [53:28] Yeah. [53:30] Or for them? [53:32] This one this is for you. So, what's [53:33] interesting about the sex life bucket [53:34] list is that I give you a video and I [53:37] give you a printout. And if you both do [53:38] the printout, and you watch the video, [53:41] and you go through and I tell you what [53:43] all 48 ideas are. And then when you do [53:46] that you go, "Okay, well these are my [53:49] A's. I definitely want to do a laundry [53:51] photo shoot with you. My B's are I mean [53:55] I'd find your P spot with you and I'm [53:56] happy to do it but it wouldn't be like [53:58] on my A list." [53:59] P spot? [54:00] Your prostate. Your P spot. [54:02] Is that your bum? [54:03] Yeah, up your bum. [54:04] Okay. [54:04] And um C's are it's not for me right [54:08] now. Never say never because as you [54:10] mature, [54:11] if you think about your sexual [54:13] development like your personal [54:14] development, it's just one more thing [54:16] you're learning. You get better and [54:18] better and you increment your skills. [54:20] And so what you used to look at and go, [54:21] "Why would anybody want to be spanked?" [54:23] Now you're like, "Oh my god, I want to [54:24] be spanked." [54:25] I've been there in my I've been there in [54:27] my sexual history where I was with a [54:29] partner and I remember first introduced [54:32] introducing the idea of using sex toys. [54:34] Yeah. [54:34] And my partner responded at the time [54:36] many many years ago saying that no, [54:38] that's for 50-year-old people. And I I I [54:40] I I was like, "What?" And that was I [54:42] found it really disappointing cuz I [54:43] thought I was I was in search of novelty [54:46] in the the bedroom. So I was looking to [54:47] try new things and I'd heard of like my [54:49] best friend was doing all sorts of like [54:51] bondage and whips and stuff. So I was [54:53] like, "I'll get in I'll get involved in [54:54] that." [54:54] Yeah. [54:55] And they just kind of shut it down. [54:57] Uh-huh. [54:57] And what is someone supposed to do in [54:59] such a situation where they've proposed [55:01] something which is in line with their [55:02] sort of their sex language but their [55:04] partner has shut it down, dismissed it, [55:06] mocked it, ridiculed it, whatever. What [55:08] are they supposed to do? [55:09] Yeah. First of all, I cannot wait to do [55:11] my Susan's sexy show and tell with you [55:15] today because I have brought you some [55:17] things that I've never shown anyone [55:20] before. I have brand new things that no [55:23] one's ever seen in the whole world for [55:25] you today. So I'm excited about that. [55:28] The second thing is that understanding [55:30] that your girlfriend was afraid. [55:33] She's just afraid. It was lack of [55:35] knowledge makes fear. [55:37] So, how can you educate her? Say, "You [55:40] know, I think you'd really enjoy us [55:42] playing with a toy together. You know, [55:44] I'd love to be inside you while you're [55:47] you have a toy on your the outside. And [55:50] I think you'd really enjoy it and it [55:52] might give you some different kinds of [55:53] orgasms. So, why don't we have a date [55:56] and I'll take you to a store and we can [55:59] look at them." [55:59] And she goes, "No, I'm not interested in [56:02] that. I don't like it." [56:03] Say, "Well, tell me what it is you don't [56:05] like about it. Is it something where you [56:06] think that it might do what? Replace I [56:11] you'd think I'd be worried about being [56:12] replaced." [56:13] I don't think it's good for us. I think [56:14] that we're better doing it naturally and [56:16] I think that that that's for people that [56:18] are 50. Which is what she said to me is [56:19] the quote. She said "I think that's for [56:21] people that are 50." [56:22] Well, [56:23] And we were at the time must have been [56:24] early 20s or something. So, [56:26] I mean, I use an electric toothbrush and [56:28] an oral irrigator and I drive a car and [56:31] I have a mobile device and I use a [56:33] laptop and I use all kinds of tools. [56:36] So, these are tools of pleasure and all [56:39] I think is that we might experiment with [56:42] some fun things. But, if the toys aren't [56:44] of interest to you right now, let's talk [56:46] about what else might be of interest. [56:48] Let's do this sex life bucket list and [56:50] see what does sound good to you and [56:53] let's just start with your A's. I'm [56:55] perfectly willing to meet you where you [56:57] are with the things that might be on [56:58] your bucket list. Let's Let's knock a [57:00] few of those things off and try some fun [57:03] new things together. [57:04] It's interesting cuz I I also you were [57:05] speaking, I was reflecting on that [57:06] sentence that that this former partner [57:09] said many years ago about I think it's [57:11] for people that are 50 cuz A, when I'm [57:12] 50, I still want to be having the best [57:13] sex of my life. [57:16] I've I've spoken to 50-year-olds and [57:17] they're having a great time. Um but C, [57:20] it also comes back to this idea of like [57:22] should, which is again a [57:24] comparative measure. I don't You know, [57:26] like this expectation and [57:29] this this how stereotypes can can be so [57:32] corrosive for like sexual exploration [57:35] and and openness. [57:38] The other thing I was thinking about is [57:40] what if you want to try something with [57:42] your partner, you have a fantasy [57:44] and [57:46] it is opposed to their fantasy. So like [57:50] I I think you we talk about love [57:51] languages a lot, but what about like sex [57:53] languages? Could you Could you Is it [57:55] possible to have the opposite sex [57:57] language to your partner? For example, [57:59] you might want to be um [58:02] you might want to feel really safe, but [58:04] your partner wants to tie you up and [58:09] dominate. [58:10] Yeah. [58:11] And that's like and that's maybe that's [58:12] their thing. [58:13] Yeah. [58:14] And you but you want to be really you [58:15] want to feel really safe, so that that's [58:17] like diametrically opposed. [58:18] Mhm. [58:19] So there's a couple of things. The first [58:20] is that [58:23] uh Jaiya's erotic blueprints are a good [58:25] place to start. [58:27] Um she's come up with five different [58:29] archetypes, uh sexual archetypes. And I [58:32] think that's wonderful, but it's very [58:34] similar also to the um love languages, [58:38] where it's like, "Well, Steve, [58:41] I want you to love me in all five ways." [58:42] Like making me think I have a love [58:45] language, it's also uh starting with the [58:47] erotic blueprint that you have is great, [58:50] but maybe you are really enjoying being [58:53] passive, but then why not try and be a [58:56] little switchy? Why not learn and become [58:59] more confident in your sexuality and [59:02] learn how to take control? [59:04] Or maybe you are the one that's always [59:06] dominant and it's time for you to learn [59:08] how to surrender. I think that you can [59:10] start in one place with your comfort [59:14] zone, [59:15] but begin to learn more things so that [59:18] you get out of your comfort zone and you [59:20] start trying new things. [59:23] How often? You said um safety plus [59:25] novelty equals desire. [59:27] Mhm. [59:27] So the novelty part, I mean if you live [59:30] 100 years, that's a lot of new ideas [59:32] you're going to need. [59:33] I have not run out of ideas. As a matter [59:37] of fact, Sir Tim, I joke that his like [59:40] epitaph on his gravestone, which he's [59:43] like, "I don't even need a gravestone. I [59:44] don't I don't care about that." But I [59:45] always joke that his epitaph is up for [59:48] anything. Like I can't come up with [59:51] something that guy wouldn't be willing [59:52] to try with me. And I keep coming up [59:54] with stuff and he keeps being a yes. [59:56] And it's really, really fun when you're [59:58] with a partner like that or when the two [60:00] of you have ideas. And a lot of times [60:03] when we have a date, we'll sit down and [60:06] and or if we have a date with a third [60:08] person. So I have a boyfriend as well. [60:12] And the three of us make love. [60:14] And we'll get together for our date and [60:18] we'll [60:18] watches that? [60:19] No, we were all together. They're [60:20] straight, but we all make love together. [60:23] And [60:24] um [60:25] we'll sit down and we'll be like, "Okay, [60:26] well what do you guys feel like?" And [60:27] they'll throw out some ideas and I'll [60:29] throw out some ideas and then we'll [60:30] decide what we want to start with first [60:31] and then we'll come up with a game plan [60:33] and then we'll start that game plan, but [60:35] then I'll be like, "Oh no, you know what [60:36] I want to do? I want to do this [60:37] instead." [60:38] AND THEY'RE LIKE, "OKAY, WE'LL DO THAT [60:40] INSTEAD." [60:41] And so [60:42] you can just get to the point where [60:43] you're so comfortable that you can [60:46] listen to your animal. One of the [60:48] reasons I used the word Homo sapien [60:51] when I talked to you earlier [60:53] is that we can't forget that we are part [60:57] of, if you think about the tree of life. [61:00] We're on the branch with the bonobos and [61:04] the great apes. We are Homo sapien. We [61:07] are [61:08] part of the great apes. And so we're an [61:11] animal. [61:12] We are subject to the vagaries of how [61:14] much sugar we've eaten, have we been [61:16] drinking, have we been, you know, have [61:18] we been sad, have we been stressed out, [61:20] etc. Have we been working out or not? [61:23] And so, every time you enter into an [61:26] experience together, every time you [61:28] begin a lovemaking date, [61:31] to not have some prescribed thing that [61:33] you're going to do, but to see what your [61:34] appetite, what your animal desires, what [61:37] he or she is in the mood for. [61:41] I'm the kitty cat, I'm the lioness, [61:42] where am I? I want to try a new toy, I [61:44] want to have sex in a different [61:46] location, whatever it might be. What am [61:48] I in the mood for? What does she want? [61:51] I've got another question. So, this is [61:53] from a young man okay who is a Diary of [61:55] a CEO listener, [61:57] and this is his situation. [61:59] I feel like [62:02] when [62:04] whenever [62:06] I am [62:08] having sex with someone, [62:10] that she's not really having as good of [62:14] a time as she's acting like. Um and the [62:18] reason that I think so is because I only [62:21] last like two or three minutes in bed, [62:23] and I just don't think that that's [62:24] enough time for her to you know, for her [62:28] to get off also. [62:31] Um and this has been an issue dating [62:34] back to my first relationship. [62:37] Yeah, this is very, very common. Uh so, [62:40] Kit, you are not alone. One in four men [62:43] of all ages suffer from what some people [62:46] call premature ejaculation [62:49] or performance anxiety, [62:51] but um [62:53] one of the things that I have been doing [62:56] is working with Jim Benson. I publish [62:58] his [63:00] program called multiorgasmic lover for [63:02] men. [63:03] And basically, what it does is it helps [63:05] men attain something called ejaculatory [63:08] choice. [63:10] And that is essentially, you get to [63:11] ejaculate when you want to, not because [63:13] you can't help it. [63:15] So, for the guys that are coming too [63:17] fast, it slows them down. It's [63:19] essentially a technique called the me [63:22] breath, m e. [63:24] And it is [63:26] um [63:27] a way to use three things in your body. [63:30] It's a body-based technique. It's very [63:32] similar to like learning how to swing a [63:34] golf club or learning how to drive a [63:35] car. Where you, you know, when you're [63:38] driving a car, you're gassing, you're [63:39] braking, you're looking in the rearview [63:41] mirror, you're looking out the front, [63:42] you're steering, you might even be [63:43] shifting. [63:46] And uh golf swing, you know, you're [63:48] setting it up, you got the head tilted [63:49] right, you're doing your swing, your [63:50] pull back, and all these kinds of [63:52] things. [63:53] The me breath uses three things. It uses [63:54] a a squeeze of the PC muscle, the [63:57] pubococcygeus [63:59] muscle. It's like the Kegel area. [64:02] It uses a breath that is called a cool [64:05] draw. This comes from Taoist techniques [64:07] for semen retention, but it's not a [64:09] semen retention technique, but it's [64:11] leverages that. And it uses a what we [64:15] call a thrust or a pelvic rock to relax [64:18] guys. Guys end up often with intercourse [64:22] kind of doing like [64:24] like a piston. They think about the [64:26] vagina as like an inside-out penis, and [64:29] it's just this friction that's supposed [64:31] to feel good to her. The vagina is a [64:33] vast cavern of pleasure. It is not an [64:35] inside-out penis, and it likes all kinds [64:38] of other things. But when they end up [64:40] with that friction [64:42] and they're stiff [64:44] and they're not relaxed, it accelerates [64:47] ejaculation. [64:49] So, when they learn the squeeze, the [64:51] breathe, and the thrust, and they do [64:53] them during masturbation, often men who [64:56] come before they want to are suffering [64:59] from um [65:02] kind of almost training themselves to [65:03] come too fast, like they've they've [65:04] masturbated in ways that, you know, gets [65:08] them off quickly. Often they don't have [65:09] privacy or, you know, they're just they [65:12] just don't have leisurely time for [65:14] masturbation. So, you practice the me [65:16] breath during masturbation, and it [65:18] teaches your body to gas and brake your [65:21] arousal, so you can slow down. [65:24] And the other component is the mental [65:27] component, which is [65:29] that you get really nervous you're going [65:31] to do it again, and then that makes you [65:33] do it again. And so, there are some [65:36] somatic [65:38] techniques that allow you to be present [65:42] right here, right now. Because a lot of [65:45] guys guys say to me all the time, [65:48] "I don't really care about my own [65:49] pleasure. I'm just in it for her." And [65:50] it's like, well, that's a lot of [65:52] pressure for her, dude. It would be nice [65:53] if you showed your pleasure, too. Like, [65:55] always just trying to make her have an [65:57] orgasm [65:59] is not really what you want to do, [66:00] either. You need to get out of your head [66:03] and into your body. [66:05] You got to slow down. You got to get [66:07] present. Because if you're thinking [66:09] about something that happened in the [66:10] past, "Oh, I'm going to come too fast [66:11] again." Or, "Oh my god, what if I come [66:14] too fast?" You're you're not with me. [66:16] And so, if he stops trying to make her [66:20] have fun, if he stops worrying, he [66:22] practices the me breath at home, and [66:25] then when he's making love to her, he [66:27] knows how to [66:29] breathe and rock his hips. And by the [66:31] way, that pelvic rock feels really good [66:35] in intercourse for her. So, that's nice, [66:38] too. [66:39] If I was to try and relate to [66:41] our friend here, Kit. [66:43] Yeah. [66:44] I think for the first sort of season of [66:46] my sexual journey, I thought of sex as [66:49] this thing where you kind of I'm on [66:52] and it needs to be like quick as you [66:54] can. And in fact, I think because of cuz [66:56] you watch pornography when you're young, [66:58] you think that the faster and harder you [67:00] go, the better the job you're doing. [67:01] Oh my gosh, I know. [67:02] I think in my wisdom I've learned that [67:04] there's no rush. [67:06] Oh. [67:06] And also, you know, I get off by [67:08] watching my partner get off. So, this is [67:11] where a lot of the things you have on [67:12] this table come in cuz [67:14] it wasn't until later in my sort of [67:16] sexual journey that I started using [67:18] these kind of things, these toys that [67:20] you've brought. I mean, you've brought [67:21] 720 of them, but [67:23] I recognize a couple of them. [67:25] Um [67:26] which ones are like a a fan favorite? If [67:28] you're a guy and you're looking to [67:29] pleasure your partner, which one of [67:31] these is like, you know, easy money? Is [67:33] like [67:35] is going to hit the spot? [67:36] Yeah. Well, there's a couple of [67:37] different ones. One of the things that I [67:39] think is really important is yoni [67:41] massage. [67:43] Do you know what a yoni is? [67:44] I do. [67:45] Good for you. [67:46] Because my yeah, my partner is [67:49] has told me what yoni massages are and [67:51] she was in Bali for many years doing [67:53] she's done tantra training and I've I've [67:54] been with her and stuff, so [67:56] yeah. [67:57] Great. [67:57] Yoni means vagina. [67:59] It really means, you know, the vagina is [68:01] just the internal [68:03] Oh, yeah. [68:03] cavern. [68:05] And the vulva is just the external [68:07] facing [68:09] tissue. [68:09] Okay. [68:10] Like the outside and the inside. And so, [68:11] vagina's not technically accurate and [68:13] vulva's not technically accurate. The [68:15] whole thing, the whole shebang. [68:18] Right, but it's not cuz the vagina's [68:20] just the internal. So, I like the word [68:23] yoni because it's comprehensive. And [68:28] it's also reverential. [68:30] Which means? [68:31] It means that you are not looking at it [68:34] as like this is just a thing that I'm [68:37] sticking my penis in. This is actually [68:39] connected to this woman. [68:41] This is her the seat of her passion. [68:44] This is the seat of her creativity. This [68:47] is she is a goddess and I will pleasure [68:50] every part of her. [68:51] And so, [68:53] I think that's the number one thing [68:55] that's important to when I when I use [68:56] the word yoni, I'm really thinking about [68:58] it in a very loving, gentle, kind, and [69:02] pleasurable perspective. And so, if you [69:05] want to do a good job for a yoni, the [69:09] best thing that you can do is give it a [69:11] massage before you make love to it. [69:15] And so, toys that I would recommend for [69:18] that are lay-on [69:21] toys. This is a pretty burgeoning [69:23] category of of toys. And I I think about [69:27] them as tools. I don't even think [69:28] they're toys. I feel like toys is like [69:30] Okay, yeah, that's fine, but they're [69:32] they're tools. [69:32] What's a lay-on toy? [69:34] So, here are two lay-on tools. This is [69:36] called the Pulse Queen, and this one [69:38] actually has a vibrating plate. Let Let [69:40] me turn it on for you. Actually, you'd [69:42] probably figure it out right away. Hold [69:43] the middle button down for a minute and [69:45] it'll it'll go on. There you go. [69:47] This pulse plate technology actually [69:50] penetrates [69:52] the vulva, the outside of her yoni, [69:57] and it feels great on the clitoral [69:58] structures. It feels great on the mons. [70:01] It's a headache, so yeah. [70:03] It feels great on the outer labia and [70:05] the inner labia and the vestibule. So, [70:08] what it does [70:09] Wow. [70:10] Yeah, it it'll There's plenty of power. [70:13] Here's another one. That's called the [70:15] Vibe, and that's also a lay-on tool. And [70:18] they send [70:20] penetrating, pulsating pleasure into the [70:25] yoni. And what's nice about that is that [70:27] Here's my banana. So, [70:30] if you imagine this banana is a penis, [70:33] that's pretty easy. You can do that. And [70:35] half of your penis sticks out of your [70:37] body, and half of it actually goes down [70:39] and in towards your testicles. [70:41] So, it's a double, almost double what [70:43] you see sticking out fully erect, is [70:46] twice that size. [70:47] And inside it is erectile tissue, [70:51] spongy tissue, [70:52] and that spongy tissue holds blood. [70:56] So, remember when I was talking about um [70:59] being held and holding and how women [71:01] need to get out of their head and they [71:03] need to slow down? [71:04] Yeah. [71:05] If a a lot of guys say to me, "What's [71:07] the number one sex technique I need to [71:08] know?" [71:09] And I'm like, "Okay, well, there's a lot [71:10] of them, but the number one sex [71:12] technique you need to know is slow down. [71:14] Turn around and come back and get us cuz [71:15] you're ready to go and we're not because [71:18] your erection happens in a minute or [71:20] two. You can usually get a hard-on [71:23] because this spongy tissue in your penis [71:25] has these three straight shoots and the [71:27] blood runs right in there. You see the [71:30] boob and you get an erection. Boom." [71:33] But not a female body. A female body has [71:36] the same amount of erectile tissue as is [71:39] inside your penis only [71:42] and I'm doing a little demo here if [71:43] you're listening to us. I'm stretching [71:46] this erectile tissue from the penis into [71:50] this little teardrop shape. The vagina [71:53] is in here and the urethral canal, which [71:55] is what's called the G-spot, but it's [71:57] not a spot, it's a long tube. So, here [71:59] is the vagina. It is wrapped in the same [72:02] amount of erectile tissue that's in your [72:04] penis. [72:05] But, it's in these little arms, little [72:07] legs, little shaft, little sponge, [72:09] little sponge. And so, it takes about 20 [72:13] minutes for her to achieve her clitoral [72:17] erection. [72:18] So, we'll start with her first then. [72:20] Right. So, yoni massages are fantastic [72:23] because you're going to get that blood [72:25] flowing into her vulva [72:28] so that all this tissue gets nice and [72:31] plump, so she gets an erection. Because [72:34] how does sex feel if you're flaccid? [72:36] Hm. [72:37] Not great. [72:38] It feels great when you're erect. [72:40] And that's because it has more surface [72:42] area [72:43] that sends more signals to your biggest [72:46] sex organ, your [72:48] Brain. [72:48] Your brain. And so, when women are [72:51] rushed for sex, which is has been almost [72:53] all the time because everything you see [72:55] in the movies What is it? What What's [72:56] the typical movie scene? We get [72:58] together, we kiss, you rip off my shirt, [73:01] my bra is still on, you haven't even [73:02] touched my boobs, which are one of the [73:04] three not you, you're you're perfect, [73:07] but [73:08] you know, he hasn't even touched her [73:09] boobs and he's ripped her pants off and [73:11] he's plunged inside her. She's not [73:14] ready. She doesn't have a lady boner. [73:16] She's not ready to go. That tissue needs [73:18] to be filled up with blood so that it [73:22] feels as good to her so it sends the [73:24] signals to her brain. So, all those [73:25] women who are like [73:27] I'm I'm just the kind of woman who can't [73:29] have an orgasm from intercourse. [73:31] I'm like, uh girl, yeah, you can. You [73:35] can basically have orgasms the entire [73:37] time you're having intercourse if you [73:40] get enough pleasuring before you're [73:43] penetrated. [73:45] You said there's multiple types of [73:46] orgasms. [73:47] 20 [73:48] 20 different types [73:49] 20 plus. One is wild card because I'm [73:51] always leaving opportunity open for more [73:53] orgasms. [73:54] I read this quantum orgasm. [73:56] Yeah, quantum orgasm, yeah. [73:58] What's that? [73:59] So [73:59] That sounds nice. [74:00] Of the 20 kinds of orgasms, there are [74:03] locations to touch, clitoral, vaginal, [74:07] anal, breastgasms, nipplegasms, [74:10] throatgasms, etc. And then there are [74:14] techniques to use. So, for female [74:17] ejaculation, which all women can do, [74:20] uh there are very specific techniques [74:22] that work and it's not what you see on [74:24] porn. [74:25] And then there's expanded orgasm [74:27] techniques as well. [74:29] And an expanded orgasm or like a quantum [74:32] gasm is this. So, [74:35] and then there and there are tools of [74:36] desire. So, there's three different [74:37] types of orgasm. I'll finish that [74:39] sentence. So, there's locations to [74:41] touch, techniques to use, and tools or [74:44] objects of desire because who's to say [74:47] that that crop that spanks your bottom [74:52] isn't an object of desire to give you [74:53] orgasms. It is, too. [74:55] But, the quantum gasm, so a regular [74:58] orgasm is okay. It's very similar to [75:01] what men think about an orgasm being [75:04] like [75:05] I'm going to And this is like the 1960s, [75:07] you know, Masters and Johnson style. [75:09] Almost 80 years ago. We have moved on [75:12] from this style of orgasm. This is just [75:14] one type. But, it's the [75:22] and you have the orgasm. That's a [75:23] one-and-done. And often women who say, [75:26] or and a lot of men complain about this [75:28] to me, "After she has an orgasm, she [75:30] doesn't want me to touch her. It's over. [75:32] She's done." And I'm like, "You're [75:33] driving her too hard. You haven't given [75:35] her enough engorgement. If you go [75:38] slower, [75:39] she'll be able to have multiple orgasms [75:42] because you haven't driven her nervous [75:43] system so hard to get the first one [75:46] done. So, slow down, lighter touch, more [75:49] engorgement, more foreplay, make out, [75:52] play with her boobs, stroke her body, [75:54] tell her she's beautiful, all of these [75:56] things. And [75:58] then she can move into multiple orgasms. [76:06] She can do that, right? But, then [76:08] there's extended orgasms. So, this is [76:12] where she starts being able to [76:14] sit in sensation. [76:16] And this is back to sex as a mindfulness [76:18] practice. Now, she's right there. She's [76:22] in the orgasm. And now she's like [76:37] That's the sound. That's the grab, Lisa. [76:40] Yeah, that. [76:40] Right? That's an extended orgasm. Now [76:43] she's taking that moment of time [76:46] and she's stretched it out, like taffy. [76:48] Right? So now she's in the orgasm. [76:51] Right? So she's starting to ride a big [76:52] wave. [76:53] But then there's an expanded orgasm, and [76:57] that's that's the king, the queen of [77:00] orgasms, and that is [77:03] now I'm a big wave rider. You're towing [77:05] me out. You're stroking me. You're [77:07] pleasuring me. [77:10] It's feeling good. You get me up in that [77:13] wave, and I'm riding that wave. [77:16] And I just ride and ride and ride and [77:18] ride that wave, and you tow me back out. [77:21] And a big set just came in. And now you [77:24] tow me into a bigger wave. It's more [77:26] intense. It lasts even longer. And I am [77:30] just coming and coming and coming, and [77:33] you just keep delivering. And you're [77:35] delivering it to me with the lightest of [77:38] touch. Because now I'm so good at [77:41] orgasming that all you barely have to do [77:45] is stroke a little finger on all that [77:48] delicious, plump, juicy tissue that's [77:52] now sending massive amounts of signals [77:55] to my brain. And I am coming for [77:58] 10 minutes, 20 minutes, [78:01] 30 minutes. Now I'm going to come with [78:04] you [78:05] for until I can't anymore. Let's see how [78:08] long we can go. And you start having [78:10] orgasms that keep getting bigger and [78:13] better until [78:15] you're just tired. You need to stop. You [78:17] have to get some water. You need to [78:20] recover. [78:22] And I remember when I was learning the [78:24] expanded orgasm technique. This was from [78:26] my mentor, Dr. Patti Taylor, and I [78:27] called her one day when I had one of [78:29] those hour-long orgasms with Tim, and I [78:31] was like, let's see how long I can come, [78:33] how hard I can come, and how much I can [78:34] come. And so, [78:37] I came and came and came and and I [78:38] thought, "Oh man, I'm at this precipice. [78:43] And I'm afraid to let go. Like I'm I'm [78:45] riding the waves, but I there's more and [78:48] it's out there, but I'm afraid." And I [78:50] called Patty and I was like, "What do I [78:52] do?" And she goes, [78:54] "Step off. [78:55] Go. Go out there." When I stepped off, [78:59] I touched source. I touched God. I felt [79:02] Gaia. I felt my connection. I felt what [79:05] connects us all. [79:07] That's why sex is repressed. That's why [79:12] people [79:14] hold you away from sexuality and shame [79:17] you. Because if you felt God in your [79:19] lovemaking, why would you need to go to [79:21] God in a church? [79:23] Here's Ethan. He's far away from God. [79:25] My [79:26] girlfriend and I um just moved in [79:28] together about a year ago. We've been [79:30] together for 2 years and we're looking [79:33] down the barrel of a dry bedroom and uh [79:36] things have [79:37] gotten real [79:39] mechanical especially in the last [79:41] several months and I'm just afraid of [79:42] where it's going to go and I want to [79:43] help us. [79:45] Good. [79:47] It's not good for her. [79:49] She's not enjoying it. [79:51] He's bummed out. [79:53] So, he's probably doing He probably I [79:55] mean, how can you blame anyone for not [79:59] knowing when there's [80:01] My work's always censored. I teach [80:04] passionate lovemaking techniques. I [80:07] But I can't [80:09] advertise. I can't advertise expanded [80:11] orgasm practice. [80:12] If you're trying to teach Ethan how to [80:14] have an expanded orgasm with his [80:15] partner. [80:16] Yeah. [80:17] What would you How do you go about that? [80:18] What's like [80:19] him the program. It's 21 erotic play [80:21] dates. You learn the It's a five-stroke [80:24] technique. [80:25] But I would say start with [80:28] sex like bucket list. Start with trying [80:30] some toys. Start with yoni massages. [80:33] Start with [80:34] one toy for Ethan, then? One that's just [80:36] going to she's it's going to blow her [80:37] mind. [80:38] Which one would you Which one is the [80:40] favorite? Like of all these toys there's [80:42] I mean there's some more over there as [80:43] well. What is There's got to be one [80:45] that's most popular amongst women? [80:48] It depends. I would say that if he wants [80:50] to have partnered sex with her, then one [80:53] could be a double vibrating penis ring [80:56] that he could put on her and she could [80:59] ride him. And then [81:01] uh she could put her clitoral structure [81:05] up against the Here, let me help you [81:07] with that. [81:07] No, I've got it. Don't worry. [81:08] You do? Oh, good for you. [81:10] fiddle with it on the [81:11] I know. It's on the bottom. You have to [81:13] turn it on the bottom. Hold the button [81:14] on the bottom and hold it for just a [81:15] second and it'll go on. [81:17] Oh my gosh. [81:17] And there you go. And then you can press [81:19] it again. Press the button at the top [81:20] again. [81:20] At the top? [81:21] Oh, I'm sorry. At the bottom. The same [81:23] one. Press it again. There it goes on. [81:25] Okay, so that vibrates on the clitoris [81:27] while it's attached to your penis. [81:28] Yes, your actually your penis and your [81:30] testicles go through there. [81:32] And your testicles? Oh my god. [81:32] Yeah. All your junk goes through there [81:34] and then you get perineal pleasure while [81:37] she gets clitoral pleasure. [81:39] So, you could try that. Or you could [81:42] give her something like this. This is a [81:43] little This is called the digit. And [81:44] this is like a little ring pop. So that [81:47] if you have lube all over your hands, [81:48] you don't lose it. It's It's not hard to [81:50] hold on to. And this will dance like a [81:52] little hummingbird on her clitoral [81:54] structure while you're penetrating her. [81:56] That's a good idea. I I love this one. [81:58] This one's great because sometimes I'm [82:00] trying to hold on to [82:01] I'm messing around trying to hold on to [82:02] this thing and it's sliding around. [82:04] So that's fantastic. You just got to [82:05] rest it there. That's fantastic. [82:06] Yes. So I'd say [82:08] introduce her to toys, but also start [82:11] giving her yoni massages. [82:13] Just really lay her down, get out the [82:16] oil. I'd like to tell you about this. I [82:18] brought these for you. So, this is um [82:22] Foria. This is my pleasure protocol. [82:25] And there are three components to it. [82:27] The first is this. [82:31] Put a melt Have your partner put a melt [82:35] inside her vagina. This is cocoa butter [82:38] botanicals. [82:40] But people can't see. What have you just [82:42] handed me? [82:42] I've handed you just a little [82:45] a little cocoa butter It almost looks [82:47] like a little fingertip of cocoa butter [82:49] that goes up inside the vagina. [82:51] To me it looks like a double-sized [82:55] tablet. Is inside here? [82:56] Yeah. That's reasonable. And you can [82:59] take one Open it up and take one out. [83:01] Yeah. Um [83:02] and [83:03] the cocoa butter melts up in there with [83:05] CBD and botanicals. There you go. [83:09] Doesn't it smell good? [83:10] gosh, it's [83:12] It smells like I'm dark chocolate. [83:13] It's cocoa. [83:15] Ah. [83:15] Cocoa butter is from cacao. It is [83:18] chocolate. [83:19] It's the fat of chocolate. [83:22] Mhm. [83:22] Which is an aphrodisiac, right? Doesn't [83:25] it smell good? [83:26] It smells It smells like cacao, yeah. [83:28] Yeah, so nice. [83:29] So she puts that inside her. [83:30] She pops it right in. [83:32] It melts almost immediately and it makes [83:34] her vagina feel like velvety and [83:37] luscious. And then this is the intimacy [83:40] This is the awaken arousal oil. So when [83:43] you take this home for your girlfriend, [83:46] I want you to just put a few drops [83:48] in your hand and then I want you to coat [83:50] it on the outside, on the vulva, on her [83:52] mons, her outer labia, her inner labia, [83:55] her clitoral shaft and tip, and the [83:57] vestibule, the inside between the two [84:00] labia. [84:01] She's going to wonder what I'm doing. [84:02] Doesn't that smell so good? And then [84:04] when you want more slide and glide, you [84:08] just put as much of the sex oil on as [84:10] you want. So you've got some ins You've [84:12] got the melt on the inside, you've got [84:13] the arousal, the awakening, which is [84:15] going to be like bing. It essentially [84:17] makes your yoni When you put the arousal [84:18] oil on, the awaken, it makes sure yoni [84:20] go [84:24] like that. It's so good. And then this [84:28] is Oh, I need more slide. I need more [84:30] glide. And then this I absolutely love. [84:34] I I used to think I used to not really [84:37] like my breasts. [84:38] And I've got great boobs and I didn't [84:41] think I did cuz I'm a woman and we think [84:43] there's something wrong with us. [84:44] Everybody in the world wants to get [84:45] their hands on my boobs, but I didn't [84:47] think they would look good. It's [84:48] ridiculous what we women do to [84:50] ourselves. So, [84:53] when I discovered nipplegasms, I was [84:56] like, "Oh, [84:58] have I been missing out?" And I love [85:02] having orgasms from my breasts being [85:04] pleasured. It is so nice. And I've done [85:08] an AB split test, one nipple with and [85:11] one nipple without this breast oil. [85:14] And nipple A loves this breast oil. So, [85:18] when you play with your girlfriend, take [85:21] little droppers full of this and have [85:22] her have her hold her boobs up and [85:24] dribble it on her boobs and then spread [85:26] it around and play with her breasts and [85:29] nipples maybe while you're making out or [85:32] you know, a lot of times what I like to [85:33] do is I like to have Tim lean up against [85:36] the back of the bed, the headboard. [85:39] And then I put a pillow on his belly and [85:42] I lean back against him and he gives me [85:46] breast pleasuring with the breast oil [85:49] while I tell him about my day and we [85:51] talk about things and we just connect [85:54] with each other. [85:55] I think Kit had something to say about [85:56] this. [85:56] Tell me. [85:57] I mean, I probably need to get better at [85:59] oral sex. I think oral sex is probably [86:01] expected at this point. Um so, I guess I [86:05] I would want to learn more about that [86:07] and I would want to learn more about [86:08] like [86:10] This is going to sound so crazy, but [86:11] like what like what are you supposed to [86:13] do with nipples? [86:16] I I know. I don't know any any other way [86:18] to say that, but it's like, you know, [86:19] does it feel good to like how long [86:21] should I should I like suck on them for [86:23] a while or should I [86:26] like tweak them or like what's [86:30] you know [86:31] It It It just seems like awkward. So, I [86:33] guess I'm more awkward than I should be [86:35] and I think if someone could tell me [86:37] some some things that I could do that [86:40] are not awkward, then I would feel [86:43] so much better about everything. [86:45] Yeah, everybody feels like that. [86:48] This is just a process of learning what [86:50] to do and I'm so glad that he wants to [86:53] and he's aware that he wants to learn [86:54] some things. Um I think having great [86:56] oral techniques is so good. Anybody that [86:59] says to me, I just don't like oral sex. [87:01] I'm like, uh because you haven't had [87:04] good oral sex. Oral sex is incredible, [87:07] highly orgasmic, amazing all on its own [87:11] and a lot of people say, oh, I don't [87:12] like 69, which is mutual oral [87:15] pleasuring. And I'm like They're like, I [87:17] can't concentrate. I'm like, you don't [87:19] have to concentrate. You can just [87:20] sometimes be giving and sometimes be [87:22] receiving, but being connected like that [87:26] being [87:27] Think about the energy you're [87:29] circulating and the pleasure that you're [87:31] creating. Practice makes perfect with [87:34] sex. [87:36] Chuck me that perfect Ted. [87:38] One of the things that I think about all [87:40] the time because my life is quite hectic [87:41] and busy is how to manage my energy load [87:44] and as a podcast, you kind of have to [87:46] manage your energy in such a way that [87:47] you can have these articulate [87:48] conversations with experts on subjects [87:50] you don't understand and this is why [87:52] perfect Ted has become so important in [87:53] my life because previously when it came [87:56] to energy products, I had to make a [87:57] trade-off that I wasn't happy with. [87:59] Typically, if I wanted the energy, I had [88:01] to deal with high sugar. I had to deal [88:03] with jitters and crashes that come along [88:05] with a lot of the mainstream energy [88:06] products and I also just had to tolerate [88:08] the fact that if I want energy, I have [88:10] to put up with a lot of artificial [88:11] ingredients, which my body didn't like. [88:14] And that's why I invested in Perfect Ted [88:16] and why they're one of the sponsors of [88:17] this podcast. It has changed not just my [88:19] life, but my entire team's life. And for [88:20] me, it's drastically improved my [88:22] cognitive performance, but also my [88:23] physical performance. So, if you haven't [88:25] tried Perfect Ted yet, you must have [88:27] been living under a rock. Now is the [88:29] time. You can find Perfect Ted at Tesco [88:31] and Waitrose or online where you can [88:33] enjoy 40% off with code diary40 at [88:35] checkout. Head to perfectted.com. [88:39] Q4 is always the busiest period of the [88:41] year for me and my team. The window to [88:42] finish projects before year-end starts [88:43] to close, and naturally pressure starts [88:45] to build. It's often around this time [88:46] that we consider bringing in freelancers [88:48] to help us reach our ambitious goals and [88:50] timelines. And no business has played a [88:52] larger part in providing that support [88:54] than today's show sponsor, Fiverr. If [88:56] you're not familiar, Fiverr is the [88:57] online marketplace where you'll find [88:59] highly skilled freelancers who [89:01] specialize in almost every area of [89:03] business. They have coders, AI [89:05] specialists, they have graphic [89:06] designers, animators, and loads more. [89:08] Working with new talent used to be a [89:09] gamble, but Fiverr lets you browse [89:11] portfolios and reviews before you hire [89:14] anyone. And if their work doesn't meet [89:15] your standards, Fiverr's refund policy [89:17] has you covered. If you'd like to give [89:19] Fiverr a go, head to fiverr.com/diary [89:22] and use code diary for 10% off your [89:25] first order. [89:26] And does the people's libidos drop when [89:29] they go into menopause? [89:31] It depends on so many factors. Some [89:35] people say that they're having the best [89:37] sex of their life through menopause, [89:40] and some people say that their libido [89:43] flatlines. Everybody's so different. [89:45] There's genetics, there's diets, there's [89:47] belief systems, there's, you know, [89:49] whether your sex life's already good or [89:51] not. So many things. [89:53] Does low testosterone equal low libido [89:54] typically? [89:55] It can, yes. [89:56] Okay. [89:57] And I want to explain libido, desire, [89:59] and arousal, cuz they're really three [90:00] different things, but people use them [90:01] interchangeably. Libido is your health. [90:04] How healthy are you? One of the most [90:06] common things that happens to couples is [90:08] someone becomes ill, emotionally, [90:10] physically, or both. And then they can't [90:13] have intercourse, so they think their [90:14] sex life is over and they stop even [90:16] touching each other. [90:18] And so what you have to do is you have [90:20] to have that I I like to say I'm like a [90:22] Timex watch. I can take a licking and [90:25] keep on ticking, right? Anything that [90:27] happens to me, I just find a way to fix [90:30] it, work around it, take care of it. [90:32] Like I just don't want to uh succumb to [90:37] old age and atrophy and all of those [90:39] things. So I do all kinds of this sexual [90:43] biohacking and these sexual regenerative [90:45] therapies. [90:46] And then desire is how do you feel about [90:49] yourself? Just like Eliza, where she [90:52] feels [90:54] like she's not desirable anymore. [90:56] You have to really work with those body [90:59] issues and [91:00] and and love yourself and and and get [91:03] over those things and bring yourself [91:05] back to the pleasure and the connection [91:07] and the joy that you create and not hold [91:09] yourself up to some perfect thing. [91:11] You've had kids, you're you're aging, [91:13] okay? But that doesn't mean you can't [91:14] have really great sex with your husband [91:17] that makes you both so so happy and [91:18] makes your kids happy because they're [91:20] growing up in a household where their [91:21] parents aren't all stressed out and [91:23] disconnected. They're growing up in a [91:24] household where mommy and daddy are [91:26] going to go in the other room and you [91:28] need to watch Barney for a while or [91:30] whatever. [91:33] And then arousal is this notion that men [91:35] get erect very quickly and they're ready [91:37] to go. They'll drop trow at a moment's [91:39] notice and have sex anywhere, anytime. [91:42] And women need relaxation to begin to [91:45] climb the arousal ladder. They need that [91:47] blood flow to come in. That takes 20 or [91:49] 30 minutes depending on frequency of [91:53] engorgement and so we need that, too. [91:56] I wanted to ask another question for one [91:59] of my listeners. Um [92:01] it was a guy and we had this question [92:04] come in quite a lot from our audience [92:06] and it was about routine. Where is it? [92:09] This one here. [92:10] This is Ethan. [92:11] Okay. [92:12] Yeah, it's just it's just it's just the [92:14] same thing over and over again. It's [92:17] how we can we can pretty much do one, [92:20] maybe two, [92:22] you know, positions [92:24] and and yeah, it's got to be night time, [92:28] bed. [92:31] Same same day, you know, every every [92:33] Saturday. [92:35] I finally get it. [92:37] Yippee. [92:39] Yeah, I can I just feel the frustration [92:41] in his voice. [92:43] And it it it breaks my heart. [92:46] And this is [92:48] probably a woman who has one pathway [92:51] that she's found to orgasm [92:53] and that's her comfortable pathway. [92:56] And so she wants a sure thing. [93:00] And she needs it to be the same every [93:02] time so she can have that. So what I [93:06] would say to him is [93:08] that again [93:09] his partner's working without a lot of [93:12] knowledge so she has much more fear and [93:15] so the control that she's putting [93:18] onto her sex life, like it's only this [93:20] way, it's only in the dark, it's only [93:22] this day, it's you know, that's her [93:24] that's her groove. She's found her [93:26] groove. [93:27] And that's fine, but it would be what I [93:31] would want her to know is that there's [93:33] 20 kinds of orgasms. There's so many [93:35] pathways. Try orgasmic cross training. [93:40] So start with the thing that you know [93:42] works and then add something else in. [93:45] And when you are working on that one [93:48] thing that works and then you add the [93:50] new thing in. Let's try let's try breast [93:52] play. Okay? So I'm going to [93:55] do what you want to do, but I'm also [93:56] going to stimulate your breasts and [93:58] nipples. I'm going to slowly trace my [94:00] fingers. I'm going to put on some breast [94:02] oil. I'm going to [94:03] pleasure you. [94:04] Pretty soon [94:06] that [94:08] at first might not feel good to her. [94:11] It might make her feel This is This is [94:14] If you touch a woman in on her breasts, [94:16] on her nipples, on her vulva, on her [94:19] clitoris, in her opening to her vagina, [94:22] which is called her introitus sphincter, [94:23] which is a little round muscle, inside [94:26] her vagina, on her labia, all these [94:28] different places, and you ask her, "What [94:29] do you feel?" [94:31] All different women will say basically [94:32] four things. [94:35] The first thing they'll say is [94:37] it feels it it hurts. It feels painful. [94:40] It feels numb. [94:42] I feel shame. [94:45] Or I feel pleasure. [94:47] All that's standing between [94:51] the pain, the shame, the numbness, and [94:54] the pleasure [94:55] is orgasmic [94:58] in a loving way that feels safe. [95:02] So that you can begin to start those [95:06] neural pathways to the brain. I'm back [95:09] to the biggest sex organ again. Which is [95:12] the third time you touched me in a [95:13] loving way on my labia, it actually [95:17] started to not feel numb. It started to [95:20] feel good. Great! Let's do it some more. [95:24] And so, when you bring all the sensation [95:27] online, when you get all those [95:30] corpuscles and nerve endings and all of [95:33] that tissue thrumming with pleasure, [95:37] your orgasms become so easy. [95:40] So I would recommend for him [95:43] offer yoni massages without intercourse [95:45] on a separate day of the week to begin [95:47] to activate that tissue. [95:49] So she's not so reliant on the pathway [95:52] that works for her, and she begins to [95:54] understand how beautiful her vulva is to [95:57] him, how much he loves to give her [95:59] pleasure, how to relax and stay in [96:03] sensation. [96:04] Because women have a lot of time staying [96:07] in their body and staying in sensation. [96:08] One of the number one things [96:10] that a sex therapist will do [96:14] is teach you [96:15] how to stay in sensation and feel it. [96:20] People are disconnected from their [96:23] sensation. [96:24] Where does masturbation and pornography [96:26] fit into all of this? Is that a good [96:28] thing for a relationship? Is it a good [96:29] thing to be doing it alone? Is it [96:31] something that's full of shame? We had a [96:33] conversation on this podcast recently [96:35] about pornography and one of the really [96:37] surprising things that came off the back [96:38] of it was [96:40] women messaging me privately [96:42] saying that we didn't talk about [96:46] women who have an addiction to [96:47] pornography. [96:48] Mhm. [96:49] Which was quite surprising to me. [96:50] Yeah, I know. [96:51] Because it's not it's not in keeping [96:52] with the stereotype. [96:53] Right. [96:54] I hadn't crossed my mind. [96:55] Yeah. [96:55] But I wanted to give that a little bit [96:57] of air time because it's something I [96:58] didn't talk about last time. Is that [96:59] something, you know, how how do you [97:01] think about pornography and [97:02] masturbation? Is it good, bad, [97:03] indifferent, shameful? [97:06] Oh, you're talking to the lady that [97:08] likes hard connected passionate love [97:09] making, and most pornography is just [97:12] friction. I like to transform friction [97:15] into connection. [97:16] And so I'm not against pornography. It's [97:21] just not in my realm of what I like to [97:25] help people with. [97:26] Why? [97:26] Because I want to teach you how to have [97:30] much better sex than the stuff you're [97:32] seeing on porn. [97:33] What's the harm of the stuff we see on [97:34] porn? [97:35] I'm not saying that it's harmful. I'm [97:36] just saying why live someone else's [97:39] agenda? [97:40] Why not live your own agenda? Have your [97:42] own life. Have your own fantasies. Have [97:44] your own sexuality. Have your own [97:46] experiences. [97:47] Have you met a woman addicted to [97:48] pornography? [97:49] No, I have not. [97:50] Have you met a man addicted to [97:51] pornography? [97:52] Many. [97:54] Yeah. [97:55] And they have to go off it cold turkey [97:58] and they go through withdrawal and it's [98:00] freaking hard. [98:01] So, I I feel badly for people who do get [98:04] addicted to it. [98:05] it ruins the real thing? [98:07] I do. [98:08] Because I don't even want to watch it. [98:10] First of all, Time magazine had an [98:12] article that said that [98:15] uh they did a There was a study that um [98:17] randomly sampled something like 340 [98:20] clips of porn. [98:22] And then they looked at them and they [98:24] said 96% of them were degrading to women [98:27] in some way. [98:29] And that's what we're raising [98:31] generations to think is sex. [98:33] What I like to teach is passionate [98:37] erotic, sensual, [98:40] heart-connected, [98:42] ecstatic, orgasmic bliss. [98:46] What about masturbation without the [98:47] pornography? [98:48] Masturbation is fantastic. It helps [98:51] activate all of the tissue. It helps you [98:55] uh have pleasure and fantasy. So, my [98:59] recommendation is [99:00] fantasy. Although there are some new [99:03] interesting things that are coming up [99:04] too. Like, for example, um two of these [99:07] toys that I want to show you. [99:10] These are really interesting new [99:12] technology. One of them heats up. [99:16] So, it gets warm. There's nothing better [99:18] than sticking a nice warm thing in your [99:21] vagina. [99:22] And I love that. Try this one. I don't [99:24] know if you tried that one yet. These [99:26] are from Satisfyer. And this one, check [99:29] this out, man. This is so interesting. [99:33] This particular vibrator gets [99:37] It gets a balloon and it blows up. Look, [99:39] I'm blowing it up. [99:44] For anyone that can't see, the end of [99:45] It's like a normal vibrator, but the end [99:47] is swelling. [99:48] Look at that. [99:49] And then, if you want to let it out, you [99:51] just press it. Oops. [99:54] Uh-oh. [99:55] There it goes. Shoo. And all the air [99:57] goes out. If you put this inside your [99:59] vagina, it feels incredible to have that [100:02] blowing up inside there and filling up [100:04] all that cavern of space. [100:06] These now are app-connected, and you can [100:09] listen to fantasy or music, and the [100:13] music will take you on an orgasmic [100:16] journey. The fantasies will read you [100:19] stories in time with the vibrations and [100:22] sensations that come from the devices. [100:26] So, if you want to watch pornography, do [100:28] it. [100:29] Uh for me personally, I would rather you [100:31] have a couple of hot lovers and great [100:34] fun. And, you know, have A lot of women [100:37] are like, "Well, I I I don't have a [100:39] boyfriend." And I'm like, "Well, take a [100:40] lover." [100:42] Why do you need someone who checks off [100:43] all the boxes? Why not just get a hot [100:45] side piece and have great sex with them? [100:48] And they're like, "Oh my god, I never [100:49] thought of that." I'm like, "Girl, stick [100:51] with me." [100:53] And I recommend that for anyone. You [100:54] don't have to wait for the be-all and [100:56] end-all. You can just have great sex as [100:59] long as you do STI testing, which is one [101:02] of the last things I wanted to talk to [101:03] you about. Oh, it's like I spilled a [101:06] little oil on this. I'm sorry. This is [101:08] so interesting because this is Basis DX. [101:12] Now, I have to say, [101:13] uh full disclosure in this particular [101:15] thing I'm on, they're I'm their chief [101:17] advocacy officer. So, [101:20] because I work with people who are in [101:24] poly groups and who go to sex parties [101:27] and, you know, they're they're I'm [101:29] encouraging people to have sex, I cannot [101:32] do it without the caveat that one must [101:34] do STI testing before they go any [101:37] further than kissing or hands on a body. [101:40] So, you can keep a couple of STI kits at [101:42] home, and then if you meet your hot [101:44] lover, you can do your STI tests, and [101:46] then when you get them back, then you [101:49] know you're safe. Everything's okay. Cuz [101:51] there's a lot of long-term downstream [101:54] negative effects from getting STIs. It's [101:57] not as simple as, "Oh, just take take an [101:59] antibiotic and you're done." [102:01] Some of these things last forever, and [102:03] you can never get rid of them. [102:05] What is the most important thing that we [102:06] haven't talked about? [102:07] And really there I'm asking for the [102:09] audience. What is the question that [102:11] they're probably sat home saying, [102:12] "Steve, you didn't ask that bloody [102:13] question which I've got a huge issue [102:15] with here at home in my [102:17] in my bedroom with my love life, with my [102:19] partner." [102:20] Well, we've talked a lot about um how [102:23] body works [102:25] and slowing down. We've talked a lot [102:26] about [102:28] creating your own experiences, that sex [102:30] is um [102:32] a lifetime journey of pleasure and [102:35] learning. That [102:37] ignorance creates fear, so learning [102:41] solves that problem. And the best way to [102:43] learn is to try new things. We've talked [102:46] about so many different things that you [102:49] can try. We've talked about the fact [102:51] that if you have no path to orgasm, you [102:53] can get one. Then you can get two. Then [102:55] you can get three. By the way, all [102:57] bodies can have over 20 kinds of [102:58] orgasms. You can have as many orgasms as [103:01] I can. [103:02] We have the same parts. They're just in [103:04] any and outy. [103:06] So, men think they have one ejaculatory [103:09] orgasm and they're done, or maybe a [103:10] short refractory period. But no, you [103:13] have so many kinds of orgasms waiting to [103:15] come out. They're all in there [103:17] waiting for you to let them [103:19] exist in your life. [103:21] So, we've talked about [103:22] know when to to leave? [103:24] How do you know when to walk away? [103:27] There are so many good sex therapists [103:30] out there now [103:32] that [103:33] you have to try that first before you [103:35] leave. If you can afford to seek therapy [103:38] and you have a mismatch in your style, [103:42] desire, libido, whatever it might be. [103:45] There's There's been trauma. There's, [103:48] you know, whatever it might be. [103:50] Um [103:51] What if they don't want to see one? What [103:52] if you propose the idea and they say, [103:53] "No, I'm not going to therapy." Cuz [103:55] talking about the bedroom to a total [103:58] stranger [103:59] Yeah. [103:59] is not the easiest of things to do. I [104:01] think I would say, especially for a man. [104:04] I'm not saying just just for men. [104:05] Therapists are good at that though. They [104:06] know what they're doing. They can help [104:08] you with that. They can open you to [104:10] the discussions. [104:11] Well, I went to a see a therapist with [104:13] my partner and we talked about a lot big [104:15] range of things and we still go to [104:16] couples therapy all the time. Um it's [104:18] more of a like a preventative measure, [104:20] but it's just nice to have a dedicated [104:22] space and even in there, especially the [104:24] first couple of times that I went, I was [104:25] like, I hate this. I was like [104:28] it was embarrass- it was like [104:29] embarrassing. I didn't want to say [104:31] anything. I was hoping she wasn't going [104:32] to say anything. [104:36] Cuz you feel like the stranger's judging [104:37] you, but also [104:39] you know [104:42] Yeah, it's it's not But the reason why [104:46] it's a good thing is because [104:49] you [104:50] in your relationship knowing that [104:51] there's a space [104:52] where you're going to get to be honest [104:54] with each other [104:54] Yeah. [104:55] and you're going to get to vocalize it [104:56] makes the other [104:57] 6.9 [104:59] days, the other like the rest of the [105:01] week much more enjoyable because you [105:04] know where the space is for these [105:05] things. You know when we're going to sit [105:06] down and have this sort of dedicated [105:07] conversation. So it makes it makes the [105:10] rest of the relationship better. And [105:11] also, like I think men have a bias where [105:13] we don't we're not typically the ones to [105:15] initiate these kinds of things. [105:17] Um sometimes we might seem like [105:18] resentful or reserved, but over time, [105:21] even though my partner initiates these [105:22] kind of conversations about unmet needs [105:24] and sex life and all these kinds of [105:26] things. [105:26] Yeah. [105:27] Over time and in hindsight thank god she [105:30] did. [105:30] Yeah. [105:31] Because she [105:34] I think women are sometimes better at [105:35] like ringing the alarm. [105:37] Well, we're generally more articulate. [105:39] So, men, you know, they how they say, [105:40] "I'm a man of few words." Yeah, men are [105:43] men are like that. Partially, it's [105:45] nature and partially, it's nurture. And [105:47] so, guys don't feel like they can they [105:50] feel like it's not a level playing field [105:52] when they have to have a conversation [105:53] about things with their female partner. [105:56] They feel like she's going to be able to [105:57] talk circles around him. So, it is [105:59] dangerous to navigate, which is why it's [106:01] nice to have a therapist to help you [106:03] navigate navigate really difficult [106:05] issues. [106:06] And you know that old phrase, "Happy [106:07] wife, happy life." [106:08] Yeah. [106:09] It's a cliche. It's a stereotype, [106:10] whatever, but there is a hint of truth [106:13] in where that stereotype comes from. And [106:15] I think it originates from this idea [106:17] that [106:18] men are quite simple in what they [106:21] express that their needs are. [106:22] Yeah. [106:23] And women are more articulate, are more [106:26] complex, they're more like [106:28] aware of unmet needs. [106:30] Yes. [106:31] So, they vocalize them more often, [106:33] typically, not always. Um which means [106:36] that there's this dynamic formed which [106:37] the man sometimes thinks his job is just [106:39] to keep her happy. And if I keep her [106:40] happy, then we're happy. [106:41] Yeah. [106:42] But in hindsight [106:44] I've come to learn that it's a really [106:46] good thing that she does sound the [106:47] alarm. It's a really good thing that she [106:48] is sensitive to unmet needs because [106:51] unmet needs for her are probably unmet [106:52] needs for me. I just can't see them yet. [106:55] Yeah. [106:55] I'm just unaware of it. So, I'm just [106:57] saying that to men who [106:59] who might feel the same way that I've [107:00] often felt where you're like, "Oh my [107:02] god, another problem." or whatever. And [107:04] um [107:05] yeah, I've just come to be so grateful [107:06] for the fact that my partner is like [107:08] very aware of these things. [107:09] Good early warning system. [107:09] very good cuz I would never. I'm so like [107:11] busy and like [107:13] if she's smiling, I'm fine. [107:14] Yeah. [107:14] But and you know this, you come to learn [107:16] this because the things that when she [107:18] sounds the alarm, the things that it [107:20] ends up solving make the relationship [107:22] better, makes me happier, and that's [107:24] that's the goal at the end of the day. [107:25] So, [107:26] yeah. [107:27] So, reviewing everything we've talked [107:29] about, the other thing we talked about [107:30] was making her small offers, filling her [107:32] up with orgasms, giving her Yoni [107:34] massages, slowing down. [107:36] Mhm. [107:37] Those are very important, holding her. [107:39] It makes you feel as good to hold your [107:41] woman as it does for her to be held. [107:43] Mhm. [107:44] That That's a very symbiotic thing. Not [107:47] thinking that sex is just intercourse. [107:49] Right? Learning more skills, [107:52] having more experiences together, doing [107:54] your sex life bucket list, and keeping [107:57] your body in good shape. [108:00] Right? So, making sure you're getting [108:02] your exercise and your sleep and all [108:04] those things so you can go the distance [108:05] and that sex keeps getting better your [108:07] whole life long. So, I think we've [108:09] covered a lot of terrain. [108:12] Well, we have a closing tradition on [108:13] this podcast where the last guest leaves [108:14] a question for the next guest not [108:15] knowing who they're leaving it for, and [108:16] the question that I left for you [108:18] Mhm. [108:19] if you could go back and tell your [108:20] 20-year-old self something, [108:22] Mhm. [108:22] something that would have made you [108:23] happier, [108:25] healthier, more successful, [108:27] if you'd heard it, if it was whispered [108:28] into your ear at 20 years old, what [108:30] would you tell your 20-year-old self? [108:32] Mhm. [108:34] Play full out. [108:37] Never compromise all of your gifts and [108:40] your talents. Never play small. [108:44] It is not your job to make other people [108:46] feel comfortable. Of course, you can [108:48] bring your heart to everyone, [108:51] but it is your job to live the best, [108:53] most amazing life that you possibly can. [108:57] I have a question for you. [108:59] What's that? [109:00] What are you going to do differently now [109:02] that I've had this conversation with [109:03] you? [109:04] It's quite [109:04] What shifted for you? [109:06] It's quite a few things. I mean, so [109:08] the first is I have this new this new [109:11] set of toys that I'm going to be [109:13] bringing home, [109:14] Mhm. [109:14] which is interesting. I learned actually [109:16] a lot about the limbic system, which we [109:18] didn't actually talk about today, from [109:19] reading through your work and the the [109:20] implications that I have for our [109:21] relationship and our feeling of [109:22] connection. I learned a lot about tantra [109:24] from um reading through your work as [109:26] well, which again we didn't talk about [109:27] today. [109:28] Um I think [109:31] for my audience, one of the things that [109:33] I think is really critical [109:35] um is to remove pressure. [109:36] Mhm. [109:37] Um which is I remember a phase of my [109:39] life where [109:40] it [109:42] sex had become like the elephant in the [109:44] room. [109:45] The or sorry, the lack of sex had become [109:46] the elephant in the room and the [109:48] pressure to fix it made it worse. [109:51] So, your approach to that is to [109:54] schedule these like play dates. [109:56] Yeah. Not try to get sex. [109:58] Where there's no like penetrative in in [110:00] intercourse guaranteed on the menu. [110:02] Yeah. [110:03] And just just to start from the [110:05] foundations of being connected. And then [110:07] um [110:08] the other thing of course is just the [110:09] importance of novelty in sex, which is [110:10] something that you know, I'm 5 6 years [110:12] into my relationship now, so [110:14] It's done. [110:14] something I think about a lot. I think [110:15] about keeping it fresh and [110:17] Yeah. [110:17] and stuff like that. And I talk to my [110:19] friends a lot about this a lot. I call [110:20] it desire management, which is how you [110:22] manage desire so it doesn't fade out. [110:24] Kind of like a [110:25] Mhm. [110:26] a flame that needs the right amount of [110:28] oxygen. Too much oxygen and it's going [110:29] to blow out, but just like the right [110:30] amount of oxygen. When I say too much [110:33] oxygen, I mean what's what's that in the [110:35] analogy? That'd be like [110:37] I guess it would be too much distance. [110:40] Like [110:41] and a lack of safety. [110:42] Mhm. [110:43] Whereas [110:45] just the right amount of oxygen is like [110:46] the right amount of safety and right [110:48] amount of novelty. The way I look at it [110:50] is like if you took a candle and you put [110:52] one of these like [110:54] things over it, it would go out. And [110:55] that's okay. That in that analogy, what [110:58] you've done there is there's no novelty, [111:00] there's routine. You're there all the [111:01] time. They see you when they wake up. [111:03] You're just you never leave the house. [111:05] You're attached to each other. [111:06] And then there's like a little little [111:08] bit of oxygen in, but not too much that [111:10] it's going to blow out, which is, you [111:12] know, keep yourself [111:14] high desire, maybe go, you know, go on [111:17] work trips every once in a while, be [111:18] away from each other, miss each other. [111:20] Mhm. [111:21] Go to new places, [111:23] wear new things, bring out new toys. [111:25] Yeah. [111:26] You know, so it's I think about that a [111:27] lot. [111:28] a simple um equation. I learned that [111:31] from Dossie Easton. She wrote The [111:34] Ethical and she was the one that [111:35] taught me um [111:38] safety and variety [111:41] equals desire. [111:42] Interesting. [111:43] Yeah. [111:43] I've come to I've come to come to learn [111:45] that mainly from watching my friends. [111:46] All my friends have taken all these [111:47] different approaches. My one friend, he [111:49] knows who he is, he listens to this [111:50] noise, he sends me the clips. He like [111:51] stifles a lot of the women that he ends [111:54] up with. [111:54] Yeah. Insecurity. [111:55] He will move in [111:57] Honestly, in two situations, he moved in [111:59] with them on either the first or the [112:01] second day. [112:01] Mhm. [112:02] Was it [112:02] Oh, wow. [112:03] the second day twice, and they became [112:05] his girlfriends that lasted about a [112:06] month. One of them lasted about 2 years. [112:08] But just the fact that he's moving in on [112:09] the second day was like problematic. In [112:12] both situations, one of them was COVID, [112:14] the other one was [112:15] she just lived in a far away land, so [112:17] she had to fly over, and then where she [112:19] going to live? She she lived with him. [112:20] And then I've seen my other friends play [112:21] it in other ways. I've seen the long [112:23] distance and how that can fade out if if [112:25] it's too far away. [112:26] hard. [112:27] And I've always thought there's a sweet [112:28] spot somewhere in the middle there. [112:29] Definitely. [112:29] But again, this is subjective. It's [112:31] probably different for me as it is for [112:32] you and Tim. [112:34] Thank you. [112:35] All right. Thank you. [112:36] the work you're doing is helping a huge [112:38] huge amount of people to demystify these [112:40] subjects, which are so stigmatized and [112:43] seem to be so elusive and mysterious in [112:44] so many people's lives. The reason why I [112:46] have these conversations on the podcast [112:48] and invite people like you on is because [112:49] I'm trying to say the like quiet part [112:51] out loud. [112:51] Yeah. [112:52] This is going to be the Diary of a CEO, [112:53] and what would be in your diary? It [112:54] wouldn't just It wouldn't be P&Ls and [112:56] spreadsheets. It would be worries about [112:58] erectile dysfunction. It would be I'm [113:00] not having sex with my partner. It would [113:02] be how do I improve my sex life? What [113:03] the do I do with nipples? Like Kim [113:05] said. It would be these kinds of things. [113:06] And that's what you're do in your work [113:07] and you do it better than anybody. And [113:09] it's um honestly you're doing something [113:11] really amazing for other people. A lot [113:12] of people you'll never even get to see. [113:13] So on behalf of all of them and me, [113:15] thank you for what you do. [113:16] Thank you so much for giving me the [113:18] light so that I could help people. I [113:21] appreciate that. [113:26] I'm going to let you in to a little bit [113:27] of a secret. And you're probably going [113:29] to think that I'm a little bit weird for [113:30] saying this, but our team are our team [113:33] because we absolutely obsess about the [113:35] smallest things. Even with this podcast, [113:37] when we're recording this podcast, we [113:38] measure the CO2 levels in the studio [113:40] because if it gets above 1,000 parts per [113:42] million, cognitive performance dips. [113:44] This is the type of 1% improvement we [113:46] make on our show and that is why the [113:48] show is the way it is. By understanding [113:50] the power of compounding 1%s, you can [113:53] absolutely change your outcomes in your [113:55] life. It isn't about drastic [113:57] transformations or quick wins. It's [113:59] about the small, consistent actions that [114:02] have a lasting change in your outcomes. [114:04] So 2 years ago, we started the process [114:06] of creating this beautiful diary and [114:08] it's truly beautiful. Inside there's [114:10] lots of pictures, lots of inspiration [114:12] and motivation as well, some interactive [114:14] elements. And the purpose of this diary [114:16] is to help you identify, stay focused [114:19] on, develop consistency with the 1%s [114:22] that will ultimately change your life. [114:24] We're only going to do a limited run of [114:25] these diaries. So if you want one for [114:26] yourself or for a friend or for a [114:28] colleague or for your team, then head to [114:29] the diary.com right now. I'll link it [114:32] below.