Van Edwards Outlines Non-Verbal Cues Driving Workplace Performance

The Diary Of A CEO

Strategic balance of warmth and competence body language directly controls professional influence, trustworthiness, and social connection.

AI-assisted summary of Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! — original source. Check the original for full context.

Source published: 2024-12-09

Detailed notes

## Background Published on YouTube by The Diary Of A CEO channel on December 9, 2024, this video features host Steven Bartlett interviewing Vanessa Van Edwards, founder of Science of People and bestselling author of Captivate and Cues. The page description outlines Van Edwards' work providing science-backed skills to enhance human communication, charisma, and leadership, highlighting timestamped topics that cover non-verbal body language, relationship dynamics, and vocal cues.

## TL;DR Communication expert Vanessa Van Edwards breaks down the science of non-verbal cues, charisma, and interpersonal dynamics, explaining how small behavioral adjustments can dramatically alter how others perceive warmth and competence. She demonstrates practical strategies—such as using open-hand gestures, maximizing ear-to-shoulder distance, eliminating upspeak, and asking intent-focused questions—to build rapport and eliminate social awkwardness. Drawing from psychological research, she outlines tactics for dating, networking, detecting deception, and framing personal identity. Ultimately, the conversation illustrates how mastering body language and intentional communication fosters deeper connections and professional success.

## Atmosphere & style The conversation carries an engaging, analytical, and deeply empathetic vibe, balancing academic research with vulnerable personal anecdotes. Van Edwards speaks with upbeat enthusiasm and unpretentious candor as a self-described 'recovering awkward person,' while Bartlett acts as a reflective, highly attentive host who actively tests and audits his own behaviors in real time. The energy transitions seamlessly between lighthearted tactical demonstrations—like practicing body posture or hand steepling—and sincere reflections on overcoming failure, social anxiety, and career setbacks.

## Key takeaways - [00:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=0s) The brain relies heavily on non-verbal signals, being 12.5 times more likely to trust physical gestures over spoken words because lying with gestures causes cognitive friction. - [03:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=225s) Human communication operates across four distinct channels: Body Language, Vocal Cues, Verbal Cues, and Ornaments. - [07:28](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=448s) A single word can drastically alter human behavior and cooperation, as demonstrated when renaming the 'Wall Street Game' to the 'Community Game' doubled profit-sharing in research trials. - [09:39](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=579s) Adopting a stoic 'poker face' as a defense mechanism creates an unintended 'Resting Bothered Face' that pushes people into a distrusted danger zone. - [18:29](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1109s) Charisma is built on 97 essential cues balanced across two primary dimensions: warmth (approachability) and competence (capability). - [23:23](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1403s) Popularity is driven by adopting a 'First Liker' mindset and proactively initiating micro-moments of appreciation rather than striving to be impressive. - [29:53](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1793s) Relationships operate across three intimacy layers (General Traits, Personal Concerns, and Self-Narrative), with individual identities guided by Hero, Healer, or Victim narratives. - [35:05](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=2105s) Performance and emotional states are highly contagious: sitting within 25 feet of a high performer boosts your own output by 15%, whereas sitting near a low performer drops it by 30%. - [41:55](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=2515s) Showing open palms ('Palm Flash') in the first few seconds of an interaction reduces subconscious anxiety and signals non-aggression to others. - [58:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=3525s) The steepling gesture (resting fingertips together in a triangle) is the single most effective hand position for projecting authority and competence. - [01:00:52](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=3652s) Maximizing the distance between ears and shoulders projects confidence and improves vocal resonance, whereas 'turtling' signals anxiety. - [01:07:52](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=4072s) Ending declarative statements with a rising pitch (upspeak) signals self-doubt and is strongly correlated with lower perceived trust and professional ratings. - [01:14:01](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=4441s) Signal amplification bias causes people to mistakenly assume their positive thoughts about others are obvious, which can be bridged using direct appreciation phrases. - [01:24:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5048s) Banning lazy filler questions like 'What do you do?' in favor of open-ended excitement questions leads to significantly deeper connections. - [01:49:42](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=6582s) The Pratfall Effect demonstrates that revealing minor flaws or mistakes early makes people appear more relatable, trustworthy, and competent. - [02:09:35](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=7775s) Signaling availability through open postures ('croissant feet') and subtle repeated eye contact is more effective for getting approached than physical appearance alone. - [02:30:05](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9005s) Ambivalent relationships—characterized by chronic unpredictability—are far more energetically draining and damaging to well-being than openly toxic relationships. - [02:34:20](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9260s) Introverted individuals achieve greater social and professional success by engineering environments tailored to their natural strengths rather than forcing high-energy extroverted displays.

## Detailed walkthrough Here is a detailed, faithful walkthrough of this transcript section.

[00:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=0s) The Power of Gestures and The Hidden Language of Cues

Vanessa Van Edwards opens with a striking demonstration: the brain is **12.5 times more likely to believe a gesture over spoken words** because it is remarkably difficult to lie using gestures. To prove this, she invites Steven Bartlett to perform a simple experiment—to verbally say "five" while simultaneously holding up three fingers. Steven finds it surprisingly tough, noting that he had to process the two numbers separately. This mental friction explains why liars naturally use far fewer gestures.

Vanessa van Edwards, founder of *Science of People* and author of *Captivate* and *Cues*, approaches human interaction as a behavioral researcher and a self-described "recovering awkward person." After believing for years that charisma was purely genetic, she discovered pivotal research in 2002 proving that charisma can actually be learned. This led her to investigate the hidden language of cues—a system of communication that highly successful people use naturally.

- **15% Performance Increase:** Sitting within 25 feet of a high performer boosts your own performance by 15%. - **Ear-to-Shoulder Distance:** There is a direct physical correlation between anxiety and confidence in the distance between a person's shoulder and earlobe (elevated, tense shoulders signal anxiety, while space signals confidence). - **82% First Impression Rule:** Research demonstrates that **82% of our impressions of people are based on two core traits: warmth and competence.** - **The Core Framework:** Vanessa provides five power cues for competence (if you feel overlooked or taken lightly) and five warmth cues (if you've been told you are intimidating or hard to talk to).

[03:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=225s) Recovering Awkwardness and the Ambivert Advantage

Over the past 12 to 17 years, Vanessa has developed a framework that has helped over **400,000 students** conquer social anxiety, build confidence, negotiate raises, or find romantic partners. She points out a fundamental flaw in classic communication literature like Dale Carnegie's *How to Win Friends and Influence People*: those books were written by natural extroverts. For non-extroverts, trying to imitate extreme extroversion feels inauthentic and exhausting.

``` ┌─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ THE 4 CHANNELS OF CUES │ ├─────────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ Body Language │ Facial expressions, gestures, posture │ │ Vocal │ Tone, pace, volume, cadence │ │ Verbal │ Words chosen, terminology, framing │ │ Ornaments │ Clothing colors, jewelry, hair/facial hair│ └─────────────────┴───────────────────────────────────────────┘ ```

Vanessa self-identifies as an **ambivert**—someone who gains energy from the right people and the right places, but gets quickly drained by others. Ambiverts can dial up extroversion to accomplish specific goals, but require significant recovery time afterward. To manage social energy effectively, she advises creating two distinct lists: * **Energy Chargers:** The specific people and environments (e.g., small intimate meetings, conferences) that recharge your social battery. * **Energy Drainers:** The people and loud, overstimulating environments (e.g., packed bars or nightclubs) that shut you down. Boundaries must be placed around these drainers to avoid exhaustion.

[07:28](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=448s) How a Single Word Changes Human Behavior

The choice of words (verbal cues) alters how others think, feel, and cooperate. Vanessa references a psychological experiment involving the classic Prisoner's Dilemma. Participants were divided into two groups and exposed to identical rules and settings, but with one tiny difference in word choice:

- Group A was told they were playing the **"Wall Street Game."** They shared an average of only **one-third (33%)** of their profits. - Group B was told they were playing the **"Community Game."** They shared an average of **two-thirds (66%)** of their profits.

A single word completely reshaped participant behavior from competitive to collaborative. Vanessa highlights how this applies to everyday communication, such as calendar invites and email subject lines. Generic invites like "Meeting" or "Call" are sterile and cue nothing. Switching to intent-focused framing—such as *"Collaborative Session," "2025 Wins Strategy,"* or *"Goal Alignment"*—primes the other person's brain to actually act collaboratively before the meeting even starts.

[09:39](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=579s) Overcoming the Stoic "Poker Face" Trap

People skills are the single most fundamental investment anyone can make, because no matter how brilliant someone is on paper, they cannot succeed in business, leadership, or love without understanding people.

Vanessa highlights her most extreme transformations: **brilliant but stoic students.** When smart individuals lack confidence in their cues, their defense mechanism is often to completely shut down, suppress facial expressions, and maintain a constant "poker face." However, muting cues creates a "danger zone." When you are stoic and unreadable, people cannot get a read on your intentions, leading to distrust and misunderstanding.

- **The "Ring" Pitch Example:** Jamie Siminoff pitched his startup (then named DoorBot, later Ring) on *Shark Tank*. Despite presenting a multi-million dollar business that later scaled into a billion-dollar company backed by Shaquille O'Neal and Richard Branson, he left the tank without a deal because the Sharks didn't like or trust him. He had a brilliant idea, but lacked the communication cues to gain buy-in. - **The Internal Reality:** Socially struggling professionals frequently report feeling overwhelmed, underestimated, misunderstood, and deeply afraid that showing their true self will lead to rejection.

[12:41](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=761s) The "Resting Bothered Face" Effect

Your neutral, resting facial posture heavily dictates initial human reactions. Vanessa calls this "Resting Bothered Face" (or RBF). Physical features naturally convey unintended emotions when relaxed:

- **Downward Mouth Angles:** Natural downward sloping lips make a person look inherently sad or downcast at rest. - **Eye Hooding & Brow Lines:** Heavy eyelids or vertical brow lines between the eyes make someone look angry, frustrated, or tired. - **Strategic Adjustments:** Vanessa shares that because her natural mouth and eye structure slope downward, she uses subtle cosmetic tweaks (like winged eyeliner) and actively holds her facial muscles in a slight upward posture when making first impressions or during on-camera interviews.

While close friends and colleagues learn your true demeanor over time, strangers and new contacts rely entirely on these baseline visual cues during initial interactions.

[14:50](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=890s) The Resting Default and the Hidden Signals in Facial Micro-Expressions

Vanessa explains that everyone has a default resting expression, and many people unknowingly look angry, sad, or afraid when their faces are at rest. For instance, raising the eyebrows up creates small horizontal lines on the forehead and exposes the upper whites of the eyes—resembling a "deer in the headlights" look. Walking around like this signals unintended anxiety to others, making them feel uneasy and making the speaker seem less credible. Vanessa advises reviewing profile pictures to audit these non-verbal signals and identifies three major mistakes people make in their photos:

1. **Exposing the upper whites of the eyes:** Accidentally signaling high anxiety or fear to the viewer. 2. **Making a contempt micro-expression:** Displaying a subtle, one-sided mouth raise (an asymmetrical smile). Beyond appearing disdainful or scornful, this triggers the facial feedback hypothesis—a psychological feedback loop where physically making a face causes the brain to actually feel the corresponding negative emotion. 3. **Flashing an inauthentic smile:** Displaying a fake or polite smile that fails to engage the upper cheek muscles.

The only true indicator of genuine happiness is the activation of the upper cheek muscles (the *zygomatic major* and *orbicularis oculi*), which pulls the cheeks upward and causes crinkling around the eyes. To demonstrate how to engage these muscles authentically—even for people who dislike showing their teeth—Vanessa has Steven place a pen or finger horizontally between his teeth and smile as high as possible, showing how it naturally lifts the cheeks toward the eyes.

When discussing smiling, Vanessa references research by Dr. Barbara Wild on emotional contagion. Dr. Wild photographed participants who were authentically happy and compared those photos to images of the same individuals putting on a fake smile. While the two smiles looked nearly identical on the surface, viewers who looked at the genuine smile experienced a measurable boost in their own mood, whereas those viewing the fake smile experienced no mood change whatsoever. Consequently, Vanessa strongly advises against fake smiling: it is far better to hold a neutral or non-smiling expression than to fake one.

* Dr. Barbara Wild’s study proved that authentic smiles improve the observer's mood through emotional contagion, while fake smiles trigger no mood elevation. * The facial feedback hypothesis creates a bidirectional loop: holding a contemptuous or anxious expression actually triggers those negative internal feelings.

---

[18:29](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1109s) The Warmth and Competence Recipe (Choosing Your Cues)

Steven notes that maintaining conscious control over facial expressions sounds exhausting, especially for people who naturally possess a "resting bothered face" while internally feeling happy. Vanessa agrees that it is a matter of "choosing your hard"—explaining that repeatedly answering "Are you okay?" or "Are you tired?" in meetings is far more exhausting than intentionally dialing up positive facial cues during first impressions.

To make charismatic body language accessible, Vanessa narrowed down human body language into a framework of 97 essential cues. She emphasizes that charisma does not require using every cue, nor does it require being a bubbly extrovert. Instead, charisma relies on balancing two core dimensions: **warmth** and **competence**. Individuals can build their own custom "recipe" of cues depending on their personality—whether they are a quiet, powerful leader, an empathetic listener, or an energetic presenter.

* Charisma is fundamentally built on the dual pillars of warmth (approachability, trust) and competence (capability, power). * Communicators can select a subset of the 97 cues that feel authentic to them rather than forcing unnatural behaviors like artificial smiling. * Studies on resting faces demonstrate that a significant percentage of the population defaults to looking bothered (angry, sad, or afraid) rather than neutral or happy.

---

[20:25](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1225s) Vanessa’s Journey as a "Recovering Awkward Person"

When Steven asks Vanessa about her background as a self-described "recovering awkward person," she opens up about her past struggles with social interactions. Early in her life, she felt completely overwhelmed by people, didn't know what to do with her hands, constantly second-guessed what to say, and felt like she had "missed a memo that everyone else got on conversation." She vacillated between shutting down out of anxiety and overcompensating by oversharing, talking too much, and "verbal vomiting" over others. During her college years, this struggle left her feeling isolated and lonely, believing it was entirely her fault that she could not build friendships or connect with people.

The major turning point occurred during a college course when a group paper requiring five participants was assigned. Terrified of group dynamics, Vanessa approached her professor and offered to write double the required length—ten pages instead of five—if she could work entirely alone. The professor declined, explaining:

> "Vanessa, the point of the paper is not the paper; it's working with the people."

When Vanessa broke down in tears in his office, the professor offered a perspective shift that changed her life direction: "Vanessa, you're very good at science, you're very good at breaking things down. What if you studied people like you study for chemistry?" He urged her to observe the popular students, analyze their conversational mechanics scientifically, and decode what made their interactions work. This advice inspired Vanessa to treat social interactions as learnable, "hard" skills, leading to the creation of her company, *Science of People*, as well as her initial conversational blueprints and formulas.

* Vanessa started *Science of People* after her college professor suggested studying human interaction with the same rigorous methodology as chemistry. * Transforming social "soft skills" into step-by-step "hard skills" allowed her to run practical experiments to overcome extreme social anxiety.

---

[23:23](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1403s) Decoding Popularity: The "First Liker" Mindset

Progress was an ongoing journey rather than an overnight fix. Vanessa shares that even four or five years after her initial breakthrough, she still struggled with misinterpreting social signals. She recalls coming home from a dinner party with her husband (her college sweetheart) and telling him that she felt like everyone at the party was angry at her. Her husband pointed out her tendency to assume people were upset, helping her realize that she was misreading neutral facial expressions as negative ones—a cognitive distortion that leads people to shut down and inadvertently become unlikable themselves.

Around this time, Vanessa encountered a study on popularity conducted by Dr. Van Sloan, who analyzed thousands of high school students across multiple schools to determine what made certain kids universally popular. Rather than athleticism, physical attractiveness, intelligence, or humor, Dr. Van Sloan discovered a single defining variable:

> "The most popular kids had the longest list of people they liked."

The popular students engaged in continuous "micro-moments of liking"—calling out warm hellos to peers in the hallway and actively signaling appreciation for others. This research proved that likability is not about trying to be impressive or funny; it is about adopting a "First Liker" mindset and aggressively liking other people first, which naturally prompts them to like you back.

* Dr. Van Sloan's study across thousands of high schoolers proved that the primary driver of popularity is the number of people an individual actively likes, not physical attractiveness or humor. * Misinterpreting neutral expressions as negative creates a self-fulfilling loop where a person withdraws, causing others to perceive them as cold or distant. * True likability stems from shifting focus away from "How can I impress others?" to "How can I help others impress me and feel liked?"

---

[27:22](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1642s) The Magic Phrase: "I Was Just Thinking of You"

To operationalize the "First Liker" principle, Vanessa shares her primary magic phrase for building likability: **"I was just thinking of you."** She encourages sending authentic, low-pressure text messages whenever something in daily life triggers a genuine thought of someone—whether seeing a specific documentary, a matcha latte, a ceramic candle, or a stainless steel mug. Reaching out with a quick message like *"I was just thinking of you, how are you?"* or *"This made me think of you"* builds strong relational capital without needing forced small talk.

Steven pushes back with skepticism, pointing out that this strategy sounds exhausting, time-consuming, and like "another job" on a to-do list, while also raising concerns that firing off out-of-the-blue texts might open up too many overwhelming conversations to manage. Vanessa counters that reaching out in naturally occurring moments takes significantly less effort than the mental friction of missing an old friend, engaging in awkward small talk (such as "How was your weekend?"), or struggling to reconnect after years of silence.

* **Magic Phrase #1:** *"I was just thinking of you"* / *"This made me think of you."* * Using real-world triggers (movies, objects, places) to reach out creates organic, high-warmth touchpoints that replace boring small talk. * Proactively maintaining casual relationships requires far less energy in the long run than trying to repair or restart cold connections later.

[29:53](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1793s) The Three Levels of Relationship Intimacy and Self-Narrative

Vanessa and Steven examine how typical text conversations often get bogged down in polite, superficial pleasantries like "How are you?" Vanessa offers a practical diagnostic test: if you find yourself hesitating to text someone because you fear an ensuing boring conversation that feels like unnecessary effort, that person is simply an acquaintance, not a close friend. Real, meaningful connection requires categorizing the people in your life into distinct tiers of intimacy.

``` ▲ / \ / \ Level 3: Self-Narrative / \ (The core story we tell ourselves) /-------\ / \ Level 2: Personal Concerns / \ (Goals, worries, motivations) /-------------\ | Level 1: | Level 1: General Traits | Gen. Traits | (Job, location, basic facts) ----------------- ```

She outlines three distinct levels of intimacy that define how we interact with others:

* **Level 1: General Traits.** Acquaintances who only know basic facts about you—where you live, where you work, and what you do. * **Level 2: Personal Concerns.** The investment layer. These friends know your current ambitions, fears, core motivations, and personal worries. * **Level 3: Self-Narrative.** The deepest level of intimacy. This is the overarching story we tell ourselves about ourselves, a concept central to Vanessa's research for her upcoming book.

Vanessa highlights three primary self-narratives that govern human identity:

* **The Hero Narrative:** The belief that through hard work and intelligence, one overcomes life's challenges and mistakes. Every career milestone or personal struggle fits into a story of triumph over adversity. * **The Healer Narrative:** Centered around service and helping others (common among healthcare workers, therapists, and caretakers). People with this narrative often trace it back to early childhood trauma or taking on caretaking roles prematurely. While dedicated and supportive, healers frequently struggle with people-pleasing and saying yes to too much at their own expense. * **The Victim Narrative:** The persistent belief that regardless of efforts, talent, or hard work, the world is unfairly stacked against them.

[33:22](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=2002s) The Luck Experiment and Shifting Your Self-Narrative

To uncover someone's underlying self-narrative, Vanessa asks a simple diagnostic question: "Do you feel lucky?" Those who answer with an emphatic "yes" generally operate from a hero or healer narrative, whereas those who feel chronically unlucky often carry a victim narrative. To prove how perception shapes reality, she points to a classic experiment conducted by Dr. Richard Wiseman.

Participants were asked to rate their own level of luck and were subsequently handed a newspaper with instructions to count the total number of images inside. Unbeknownst to them, the second page featured a massive headline reading: *"Stop counting. There are 42 images in this newspaper."*

- **Lucky people:** Noticed the large headline immediately, stopped counting, and turned the paper in within seconds. - **Unlucky people:** Overlooked the giant message entirely, painstakingly counted every image by hand, took far longer, and made more errors.

This study demonstrates that believing you are lucky literally expands your field of vision to notice hidden opportunities. Vanessa emphasizes that a fixed self-narrative can be rewritten through a growth mindset and small "moments of heroism." Instead of identifying as an inherently awkward person who dislikes socializing, reframing your identity to a "recovering awkward person" taking tiny, deliberate steps can fundamentally alter your self-talk and daily life.

[35:05](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=2105s) The Contagion of Performance and Fear

The conversation shifts to the workplace environment, where Steven reflects on job interviews where candidates had solid credentials on paper but radiated an energy of fatigue, unhappiness, or detachment. Vanessa validates this intuition by citing a massive study analyzing 58,000 working hours across 11 different companies, which investigated whether performance levels are socially contagious.

> "If you sit within 25 feet of a high performer, your own performance improves by 15%. Here's the kicker: if you sit within 25 feet of a low performer, your own performance decreases by 30%."

The data proves that negative emotions and low performance are twice as contagious as positive ones. Being near colleagues who display anxious, low-confidence, or cynical cues subconsciously degrades your own output, making it essential to surround yourself with the right five people whose behavioral cues you actually want to absorb.

To highlight the physical reality of emotional contagion, Vanessa shares a fascinating study on human sweat and olfactory signaling. Researchers gathered sweat samples from two groups: 1. People running on a treadmill. 2. First-time skydiving participants experiencing acute stress.

Unsuspecting participants were placed in an fMRI scanner and asked to smell both sweat samples without knowing their origins. When smelling the **treadmill sweat**, no neurological shifts occurred. However, when participants inhaled the **skydiving sweat**, their amygdalas immediately lit up with fear. Without any visual or verbal input, their brains chemically registered and adopted the hidden panic of another person.

[38:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=2325s) The Cue Cycle and "Name It to Tame It"

When Steven worries that hidden chemical signals and involuntary reactions might ruin interactions regardless of conscious effort, Vanessa introduces **the Cue Cycle**. Rather than communication being a simple linear trade of signals between two people, it is an internal loop. Receiving a negative signal triggers internal anxiety, which then alters the cues you emit back to the other person.

``` [ Sender emits Negative Cue ] │ ▼ [ Receiver internalizes signal ] │ ▼ [ Amygdala triggers Fight-or-Flight ] ──► (Pupils dilate, field of vision expands) │ ▼ [ Receiver projects anxious/defensive Cues back ] ```

In a social rejection study, when an actor secretly flashed a rejection cue—such as an eye roll, scoff, or subtle body blocking—to a participant, the participant's pupils instantly dilated as their fight-or-flight response searched for danger or escape routes, causing them to project defensive, awkward cues in return.

To break this negative cycle, Vanessa references research by Dr. Matthew Lieberman at UCLA. When subjects in an fMRI scanner were shown a facial microexpression of fear, their amygdalas activated. However, as soon as they verbally identified the emotion by thinking or saying "fear," the amygdala activity neutralized.

Vanessa advises using this "label it, name it, tame it" technique in real-time. When you spot a hostile or closed-off cue—like a lip purse, mouth shrug, or contempt microexpression—silently acknowledge it in your mind ("lip purse," "noted," or "clocked"). Simply labeling the behavior mentally protects your brain from absorbing the negative emotion and keeps you in confident control of the interaction.

[41:55](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=2515s) The Importance of Hand Gestures and the "Palm Flash"

Vanessa explains why hand gestures play a fundamental role in human trust and charismatic communication, referencing her widely viewed TEDx Talk, *You Are Contagious*. Hand movements act as a secondary language channel; when speakers hide their hands, the listener's brain experiences subconscious anxiety.

To demonstrate this live, Vanessa rests her hands out of sight under the table. She explains that from an evolutionary standpoint, early humans needed to see an approaching stranger's hands immediately to confirm they were not holding a rock or a spear. If someone approaches you with hidden hands, your amygdala remains on high alert, wondering if they pose a threat.

- **The Palm Flash:** Within the first few seconds of greeting someone—whether walking into a room or hopping on a video call—show your open palms early with a warm, subtle wave. Exhibiting open palms instantly signals safety and non-aggression to the other person's subconscious mind. - **Dual-Track Communication:** Highly effective communicators speak on two tracks at once: verbally with words, and visually with descriptive hand movements that map out their message like a picture book.

Vanessa highlights the research project that launched her TED Talk: her team analyzed and coded hundreds of TED Talks from 2010 to discover structural differences between viral presentations and less popular ones.

- **Most viral TED speakers:** Used an average of **465 hand gestures** in an 18-minute talk. - **Least viral TED speakers:** Used an average of **271 hand gestures** in the same time frame.

Top-performing speakers intuitively use purposeful hand gestures from the very first line of their presentation to visually anchor their message and hold the audience's full focus.

[45:02](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=2702s) Hand-Word Congruence and the Difficulty of Lying with Gestures

Vanessa demonstrates how speakers use hand gestures to outline their thoughts, pointing out that when words and body language conflict—such as saying an idea is "huge" while holding hands close together—the human brain is **12.5 times more likely** to believe the physical gesture over the spoken words. Highly charismatic speakers intentionally match their gestures to their concepts, visually illustrating whether something is as large as a beach ball, a goat, or a pig, or using a small dismissive hand motion to signal that a issue is minor. To demonstrate how deeply nonverbal communication is hardwired, Vanessa challenges Steven to a quick experiment: say the word "five" aloud while holding up three fingers. Steven finds it surprisingly difficult, noting that he has to process the two actions completely separately.

Because the brain struggles to coordinate contradictory verbal and physical signals, humans instinctively monitor gestures to test for authenticity. Incongruence is almost impossible to fake smoothly, which is why liars typically restrict their hand movements and use fewer gestures overall. Consequently, audiences are naturally drawn to people who gesture fluidly and congruently, perceiving them as knowledgeable, confident, and honest.

* **12.5x Multiplier:** The brain is 12.5 times more inclined to trust hand gestures over spoken words when the two conflict. * **The Congruence Test:** Liars use significantly fewer hand gestures because executing contradictory words and physical signals requires deliberate mental friction.

---

[47:02](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=2822s) Engagement, Vocal Variety, and the "Ted Talk Voice"

Steven raises a question about causation versus correlation, asking whether high-performing TED speakers gesture more simply because they are less nervous, while anxious speakers freeze up or self-soothe by folding inward. Vanessa clarifies that it comes down to audience engagement rather than pure nerves. While most TED speakers are experts, those who fail to capture attention often over-rehearse their hand movements into stiffness or hold tightly onto a clicker or podium. Steven shares a podcast realization: guests who use their hands naturally become more expressive, which introduces dynamic vocal intonation, boosts audience retention, and ultimately convinces the YouTube algorithm to push the video to more viewers.

Vanessa confirms this dynamic, revealing that testing on her own YouTube channel proved thumbnails featuring hand gestures—regardless of the specific pose—consistently generated more clicks than thumbnails showing dramatic facial expressions alone. Gestures directly influence vocal variety, creating a feedback loop where physical movement unlocks different tones:

* **The TED Talk Voice:** A dramatic, authoritative cadence used to signal that a point will fundamentally alter how listeners view the world. * **The Numbers Voice:** A distinct, precise tone designed to land key statistical facts (e.g., "Did you know that 43% of humans..."). * **The Storytelling Tone:** A conversational, intriguing shift in pitch that signals an anecdote (e.g., "You're never going to believe what happened to me last week...").

---

[50:10](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=3010s) Chair Ergonomics, Proxemics, and Zoom Distances

The conversation shifts to how physical surroundings shape human interaction. Steven recalls learning this firsthand when ordering studio chairs in New York; chairs with armrests caused podcast guests to rest their arms and lean back, flattening their gestures and making the interviews noticeably less dynamic. Vanessa explains that while armrest chairs can widen a speaker's posture in open settings, sitting close to a studio table in an armrest chair forces awkward "duck arms." Scooting close to the table naturally forces hands onto the surface and into view. She also highlights that maintaining proper physical distance—roughly an arm's length apart, or close enough to shake hands—creates the ideal balance of intimacy for rich conversation.

Vanessa outlines the **four proxemic zones** that govern human spatial psychology:

* **Public Zone:** 5 to 8 feet away; standard for public speaking or addressing groups. * **Social Zone:** 3 to 5 feet away; typical distance for general social interactions. * **Personal Zone:** 1.5 to 3 feet away (arm's length); the optimal range for engaging, one-on-one conversations. * **Intimate Zone:** Less than 1.5 feet away; reserved for close personal bonds.

A common mistake on video calls is positioning the camera too close, which accidentally places colleagues inside the intimate zone and triggers subconscious discomfort. To prevent this, webcam lenses should be set roughly **1.5 to 3 feet** from the tip of the nose (about one arm's length). Vanessa also notes that this exact spatial mechanic explains why noisy bars and nightclubs facilitate romance: loud environments force people to lean within 1.5 feet to hear each other, accidentally pushing them into the intimate zone and triggering physical touch and romantic cues.

---

[54:04](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=3244s) The Charisma Formula: Balancing Warmth and Competence

Steven reflects on reading Neil Strauss's book *The Game* as a teenager after his older brother Jason accidentally had it shipped to their family home, noting it was his first realization that nonverbal communication could be studied. Vanessa introduces the core scientific framework of charisma, citing landmark 2002 research by Dr. Susan Fiske. The study established that **82% of first impressions** are evaluated across two primary dimensions: **Warmth** (trustworthiness, friendliness, likeability) and **Competence** (power, capability, reliability). True charisma requires signaling high levels of both simultaneously.

Steven acknowledges that he defaults heavily to the competence side, which can cause him to be perceived as stoic or intimidating if he does not intentionally project warmth. Vanessa explains gender defaults in communication—men frequently default to high competence cues while women default to high warmth—and outlines the pitfalls of imbalance:

* **The Danger Zone:** High competence without warmth creates suspicion and skepticism. Listeners push back on numbers and resist sales pitches because they feel an underlying lack of trust. * **The Smart Person's Curse:** Highly intellectual individuals often assume their ideas speak for themselves, ignoring nonverbal cues. Vanessa points to entrepreneur Jamie Siminoff's initial pitch on *Shark Tank*, where relying purely on statistics without projecting warmth or competence cues cost him a deal. * **Excessive Warmth:** Overusing warmth cues (excessive nodding, giggling, or vocalizations) undermines authority, causing others to view the speaker as incompetent.

---

[58:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=3525s) Competence Power Cues: Mastering the Steeple

To help listeners fine-tune their balance, Vanessa begins sharing five specific power cues for dialing up perceived competence. The first core physical cue is **the steeple**—resting the fingertips together in an open triangle shape, as featured on the front cover of her book *Cues*.

The steeple serves as a physical power pose for the hands. By keeping the palms visible while holding the fingers in a poised, relaxed position, a speaker demonstrates openness and composed control. However, Vanessa warns against drumming or tapping the fingers together, which instantly transforms a calm sign of authority into "evil fingers"—a sinister gesture famously embodied by Mr. Burns on *The Simpsons*. When kept still, research ranks the steeple as the single most effective hand gesture for projecting high authority and competence.

[59:36](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=3576s) Balancing Power and Warmth in Visual Cues

Vanessa Van Edwards discusses how high-competence and high-warmth cues can be deliberately combined to project authority without coming across as intimidating or cold. She references the hand steepling gesture—where the fingertips touch lightly together—as one of the highest-rated power gestures used by effective leaders. Reflecting on her own book cover photo shoots, she shares an anecdote about how her photographer, Maggie Kirkland, had to urge her to take just one serious photo instead of constantly smiling. In that single serious shot, Vanessa used the steepling hand gesture while balancing it with warm body language: angling her toes and torso directly toward the viewer ("fronting"), adopting an "up face" to avoid resting bother face, and using a focused, smoldering eye contact look.

``` ┌─────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ BALANCING CHARISMA ON COVER ART │ └─────────────────────────────────────────┘ │ ┌──────────────────────────┴──────────────────────────┐ ▼ ▼ HIGH COMPETENCE CUES HIGH WARMTH CUES • Hand Steepling Gesture • Torso & Toes Angled Forward ("Fronting") • Focused "Smoldering" Eye Contact • Slight Warm "Up Face" (No Resting Bother Face) ```

The combination of high-competence cues and accessible warmth creates an inviting yet authoritative image that instantly communicates trust.

* **Hand Steepling:** A strong signal of confidence and competence, provided it does not devolve into aggressive or villainous "evil fingers." * **Fronting:** Angling the torso and feet straight toward a conversational partner signals presence, openness, and warmth. * **Balanced Power:** Pairing high-status gestures with warm micro-expressions prevents high-competence individuals from appearing unapproachable or harsh.

---

[01:00:52](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=3652s) Maximizing Ear-to-Shoulder Distance for Instant Confidence

Vanessa highlights what she calls the most critical physical distance on the human body for projecting poise: the space between the earlobe and the shoulder. When people feel anxious or insecure, they subconsciously turtle their necks, raising their shoulders toward their ears. This physical contraction directly degrades vocal resonance, triggers feelings of nervousness, and communicates anxiety to observers. Because humans are evolutionary experts at spotting anxiety—and naturally seek to avoid catching it from others—maintaining maximum distance between the earlobes and shoulders instantly signals safety, high status, and composure.

``` [ ANXIOUS / LOW STATUS ] [ CONFIDENT / HIGH STATUS ]

O (Earlobe) O (Earlobe) / \ | /-----\ (Shoulders Hunkered Up) | (Max Distance) / \ | [=== Shoulders Down ===] ```

To optimize this cue, the shoulders should be rolled back and down while keeping the chin perfectly level. Vanessa warns against trying to increase this distance by tilting the head back or lifting the chin upward, as looking down one's nose at someone comes across as scornful, arrogant, and judgmental. Keeping a level head while relaxing the shoulders creates an immediate physiological shift, helping individuals both look and feel significantly more confident.

* **Ear-to-Shoulder Gap:** A short distance signals anxiety and tension, whereas a maximized, relaxed gap signals high confidence and emotional control. * **Avoid Chin-Tilting:** Raising the chin to create space creates an accidental "snob" posture that communicates disdain or condescension rather than genuine authority. * **Ergonomic Assistance:** Setting up tables or armrests at proper heights encourages the shoulders to drop naturally, physically reinforcing a relaxed, powerful posture.

---

[01:02:27](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=3747s) The Power of Strategic Eye Contact at Sentence Ends

While general advice often insists on maintaining continuous eye contact, Vanessa debunks this as one of the worst body language myths. In Western culture, the optimal level of eye contact in conversation is between 60% and 70%. Exceeding 70% eye contact transitions the dynamic from engaging to territorial, invasive, and confrontational. Highly effective communicators look away naturally while retrieving memories or processing thoughts, but they consistently lock eye contact right at the end of key statements or when their partner makes a crucial point.

``` [ Processing / Thinking ] ────────► [ Ending Important Point ] Looking Away Naturally (60-70%) Direct Eye Contact (100% Lock-In) Shows deep mental engagement Drills home authority & conviction ```

This intermittent technique allows the speaker to appear authentic during cognitive processing while grounding their final conclusions with conviction. By looking directly into an interlocutor's eyes as a sentence wraps up, the speaker drills home their point and asserts high competence without overwhelming the listener.

* **60% to 70% Rule:** Ideal conversational eye contact range; going above 70% feels aggressive, territorial, or unnerving. * **Cognitive Breaks:** Glancing away while thinking shows active mental processing rather than rehearsed dishonesty. * **The Final Lock:** Returning eye contact precisely at the end of a sentence emphasizes key takeaways and signals absolute conviction.

---

[01:03:57](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=3837s) Decoding and Utilizing the Lower Lid Flex

The lower lid flex—a subtle hardening or tightening of the lower eyelids—is an underutilized nonverbal cue that signals deep focus, intense interest, and cognitive scrutiny. Biologically, humans flex their lower eyelids to block out peripheral light and sharpen visual detail when inspecting objects closely. In social contexts, this movement (famously exaggerated as "Blue Steel" in *Zoolander*) makes people feel seen and carefully evaluated, which explains why it is frequently perceived as deeply engaging and attractive.

``` NORMAL EYE LOWER LID FLEX ┌──────────┐ ┌──────────┐ │ ( O) │ │ ( ──) │ └──────────┘ └──────────┘ Relaxed Lids Tightened Bottom Lid (Standard Gaze) (Focus / Evaluation) ```

However, the lower lid flex is fundamentally a cue of focus, not necessarily agreement. If someone suddenly flexes their lower eyelids during a presentation or negotiation, it often marks a moment of internal skepticism, calculation, or confusion. Vanessa shares an experience from a corporate presentation where an executive flexed his lower eyelids right as she mentioned oxytocin. Pausing to ask for questions allowed him to clarify a medical confusion regarding pitocin (synthetic oxytocin used in labor), preventing a hidden misunderstanding from lingering. Identifying this gesture in real time provides an invaluable opportunity to address unspoken doubts before moving forward.

* **Mechanism of Focus:** Tightening the lower eyelids mimics the natural visual adjustment made to inspect details or clear up visual ambiguity. * **Charismatic Impact:** Used intentionally in conversation, a light lower lid flex demonstrates intense focus, making the speaker appear deeply invested in the interaction. * **Detecting Skepticism:** In meetings or pitches, a sudden lower lid flex from an audience member serves as an immediate indicator to pause and invite questions or clarification.

---

[01:07:52](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=4072s) Eliminating the Accidental Question Inflection

Turning to vocal cues, Vanessa highlights the destructive habit of ending factual declarations with a rising pitch—known as the accidental question inflection or "upspeak." When a speaker raises their pitch at the end of a sentence, the listener's brain automatically shifts from passive processing to active scrutiny, wondering why the speaker seems unsure of their own claim. In controlled laboratory experiments using games like *Two Truths and a Lie*, participants consistently voiced false statements using an upward inflection because they were subconsciously asking, *"Do you believe this?"*

``` [ Upward Inflection / Upspeak ] [ Downward Inflection / Power ] "My name is Vanessa?" ↗ "My name is Vanessa." ↘ Signals self-doubt, negotiation, or deceit Signals authority, conviction, and certainty ```

This vocal pattern is particularly harmful in high-stakes professional settings, such as quoting a price, negotiating a salary, or setting firm boundaries. When sales professionals or job candidates state their rates using upspeak (e.g., *"Our fee is $5,000?"*), they invite immediate pushback and signal lack of confidence. Conversely, adopting a downward vocal inflection—a signature technique of powerful speakers like Barack Obama—anchors statements with authority, resonance, and unquestioned credibility.

Vanessa references a landmark medical study examining 10-second audio clips of surgeons introducing themselves to patients. When researchers audio-filtered the clips to obscure the words while retaining tone and cadence, listeners rated the doctors on warmth and competence. The surgeons who introduced themselves with an upward question inflection received the lowest ratings for warmth and competence—and statistically faced the highest rates of malpractice lawsuits. Patients rarely sue based solely on technical competence; they initiate litigation based on early perceptions of confidence and care conveyed through vocal tone.

* **Upward Inflection Warning:** Ending statements with a rising pitch projects uncertainty, invites pushback, and triggers listener skepticism. * **Downward Inflection for Power:** Dropping the vocal pitch at the end of a sentence commands authority and reinforces personal conviction. * **Malpractice Study Finding:** Surgeons who introduced themselves using upspeak were rated low in competence and had significantly higher rates of malpractice claims. * **Self-Introduction Practice:** Names, job titles, rates, and boundaries should always be delivered with a firm, downward vocal tone.

[01:14:01](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=4441s) Signal Amplification Bias and the Three Magic Phrases

Steven Bartlett and Vanessa Van Edwards address a psychological phenomenon called **signal amplification bias**. This effect leads people to mistakenly believe their thoughts and positive feelings toward others are completely obvious, when in reality, the other person has no idea. As Van Edwards notes, "I have no idea if you like this interview. I have no idea if you like my work," emphasizing that people must explicitly broadcast their positive thoughts rather than assuming they are clear.

To overcome this bias and ensure others feel genuinely appreciated, Van Edwards shares her "three magic phrases" to use only when authentically true: * **"I was just thinking of you":** Reassures the person that they occupy brain space even when not present. * **"You're always so [positive label]":** (e.g., "You're always so interesting" or "You're always so great at interviews"). Giving someone a positive label acts as a gift that combats their self-doubt. * **"Last time we talked, you mentioned [specific detail]":** Demonstrates that you remembered something specific that made them light up in a previous conversation.

---

[01:15:23](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=4523s) Five Warmth Cues for Intimidating or Cold Communicators

When Bartlett asks how he can make podcast guests feel more comfortable—admitting he doesn't naturally rank high in warmth and that over-the-top enthusiastic greetings would feel "off-brand" and inauthentic—Van Edwards outlines **five specific warmth cues**. While her five power cues help highly warm people gain authority, these warmth cues are designed for anyone who has been called intimidating, cold, or hard to talk to:

* **The Triple Nod:** Performing a slow, rhythmic triple nod signals "tell me more" non-verbally (acting like a visual "dot-dot-dot"). Studies show that using a slow triple nod causes the other person to speak **67% longer**. However, Van Edwards warns against nodding too fast (which signals impatience and a desire to wrap up) or "bobbleheading" excessively. * **The Head Tilt:** Universally across cultures, tilting the head up exposes the ear to show active listening (similar to how dogs tilt their heads). Research reveals that even when delivering bad news, doing so with a slight head tilt makes the speaker appear noticeably more likable and empathetic. Bartlett agrees, reflecting that being fired by someone holding a rigid posture feels cold, whereas a head tilt makes it feel like they genuinely care. Furthermore, Van Edwards suggests that "recovering bobbleheaders" use a head tilt to break the habit of excessive nodding, as it is physically impossible to nod while tilting one's head. * **Authentic Smile:** Warmth is heavily communicated through genuine smiles that reach all the way up to the eyes (a Duchenne smile). Van Edwards cautions against fake smiling, prompting a lighthearted moment where Bartlett attempts a smile and she teases him about its authenticity. * **The Lean:** Moving subtly across proxemic boundaries by leaning in shows deep interest. Speakers can lean in to emphasize an important point, while listeners can lean forward to signal, "Tell me more!"

---

[01:18:37](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=4717s) The Manipulative "Hand Nod" Trick

In an aside referencing the book *The Game* and Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), Van Edwards reveals a psychological manipulation technique often used by pickup artists and persuasive speakers. By moving a hand up and down in a rolling, circular "nodding" motion while talking, the speaker subliminally induces the listener—or even an entire audience—to start physically nodding along.

Because physical movement influences internal beliefs, the listener unconsciously thinks, *"I'm nodding, so I must agree with this person."* Bartlett expresses surprise at the tactic, observing how it feels like having a "string on my head." Van Edwards strongly warns viewers never to use this manipulative trick on others or allow it to be used on themselves.

---

[01:21:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=4905s) Overcoming Social Discomfort and the Pygmalion Effect

Bartlett shares a personal struggle: despite usually feeling calm in social settings, there is a specific long-term acquaintance whose presence instantly makes him feel "off." Around this person, Bartlett catches himself overthinking his posture, legs, and instinctively resorting to protective blocking body language. He asks if this physical reaction is a sign that he should cut the person out of his life.

Van Edwards explains that the subconscious mind is an incredible "cue-reading machine"—picking up on micro-signals like stress or adrenaline that conscious awareness misses. However, rather than cutting ties immediately, she advises investigating whether the dynamic is driven by a feedback loop known as the **Pygmalion effect**: * Expecting an awkward or negative interaction causes a person to send off unlikable cues. * The other person senses these negative cues and mirrors them back. * The negative expectation becomes a self-fulfilling reality.

---

[01:24:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5048s) The "What Do You Do?" Diet & Connection-Building Questions

To break negative interaction loops and build meaningful rapport, Van Edwards introduces a structured framework of connection-building questions. She challenges Bartlett and the audience to go on a **30-day "What Do You Do?" diet**, completely banning the question "What do you do?" alongside standard, passive filler like "How are you?" or "How's it going?"

Van Edwards explains that asking "What do you do?" forces people onto autopilot, subtly asks "What are you worth?", and can feel belittling or rude to those who aren't defined by their jobs. Bartlett strongly relates, recalling how he felt embarrassed after asking someone at a New York event "So what do you do?" only to realize how awkward and out-of-place the question was in that setting.

Instead, Van Edwards shares two powerful alternative questions that unlock authentic connection: * **"Are you working on anything exciting recently?"** This gives the other person "permission to connect"—allowing them to talk about their career if they want to, or share a personal passion instead. It also provides great follow-up material for future conversations. * **"What's your biggest goal right now?"** (or "What's your big goal for the upcoming year?"). Van Edwards loves using this in December, January, and February. She notes it acts as a filter: growth-minded individuals will light up and discuss their ambitions, while passive or cynical individuals who say "I don't believe in goals" signal an incompatibility in mindset. Bartlett notes this is an excellent question to integrate into podcast interviews and hiring processes.

[01:27:17](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5237s) Self-Narrative Questions and the Character Test

Vanessa Van Edwards outlines what she terms "allergy questions"—conversations designed to quickly assess mutual compatibility by gauging whether two people will react negatively to one another. Beyond initial surface-level small talk such as asking about someone's current goals or projects, Van Edwards emphasizes moving into "self-narrative questions" to uncover how individuals perceive their own lives. A key question she presents sounds deceptively simple on the surface: *"What book, movie, or TV character is most like you, and why?"*

``` "How someone relates to characters, their values or personality, is how they see themselves, and people's answers will shock you." ```

To illustrate its impact, Van Edwards shares an anecdote about a close friend of six years—a mother of three whom she assumed was pragmatic, funny, and savvy. When asked this question, Van Edwards expected her friend to pick a lighthearted TV mom. Instead, her friend immediately replied with Katniss Everdeen from *The Hunger Games*. When asked why, her friend explained that she feels like she is fighting for survival every single day. That response opened up their first deeply candid conversation about feelings of fear, isolation, and daily struggle, fundamentally deepening their friendship.

- **The Character Question:** Asking which fictional character someone identifies with reveals their internal self-perception rather than how others view them. - **The Katniss Everdeen Example:** A friend's unexpected choice exposed hidden feelings of vulnerability and daily survival mode, breaking six years of surface-level assumptions.

[01:29:29](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5369s) Steven Bartlett’s Self-Reflection: The Pursuit of Happyness

Applying the exercise in real time, host Steven Bartlett reflects on his own identification with fictional figures. His first instinct was Will Smith, though he initially hesitated because people often tell him he physically resembles the actor. Van Edwards notes that physical resemblance must be filtered out; the exercise strictly targets values and internal experience. Bartlett then clarifies that he identifies specifically with Will Smith’s character, Chris Gardner, in *The Pursuit of Happyness*—a story of struggling through poverty, grinding relentlessly, and eventually reaching success.

``` "I used to work in call centers at nighttime selling hotel rooms and car insurance and artificial grass, and now I get to sit here and have conversations with people like you... To be here feels... suspicious." ```

This leads to a philosophical exchange about whether one ever reaches the "end of the movie." Bartlett admits feeling a deep sense of disproportionate fortune that almost feels surreal or "suspicious." He hesitates to declare that he has "made it," fearing that feeling complete might rob him of drive for future pursuits. Van Edwards framing suggests that reaching the "end of the movie" phase frees a person from pure survival grinding, allowing them to shift toward meaningful work, wisdom-sharing, and public service.

- **Chris Gardner Parallel:** Bartlett connects with the arc of overcoming extreme hardship and financial struggle through relentless pursuit. - **The "Suspicious" Nature of Success:** Transitioning from night-shift call centers selling car insurance and artificial grass to hosting a major show creates a lingering sense of disbelief. - **Grind vs. Legacy:** Van Edwards notes her own ambition to eventually transition from the active career "grind" to purely sharing educational wisdom.

[01:34:20](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5660s) Non-Verbal Cues: Leaning and the Danger of Submissive Signals

The conversation turns to body language subtleties, starting with the physical cue of leaning in during conversations. Bartlett brings up the concept of "peacocking" from pick-up artist literature he read as a teenager, recalling a trip to Marbella with friends where they observed guys leaning in too far toward a woman in a loud club, appearing desperate or over-eager. Van Edwards validates this intuition using non-verbal communication science. Leaning in too aggressively transforms the body posture into a "bow," which signals submissiveness and lower status.

``` "If you lean too far over, you get very quickly into bowing or submissive behavior... If I were to be reading a book and highlight the entire page, the highlight means nothing. If you lean in when someone's like 'What, really?' and then I lean back, then it's powerful." ```

Van Edwards clarifies that non-verbal cues work like formatting tools: they are intended to serve as "bolds" or "highlighters" for specific key points in a conversation. Overusing a forward lean flattens its impact and can make the other person feel uncomfortable due to unequal power dynamics.

- **The Lean as a Bow:** Excessive leaning mimics submissive posture, signaling subservience rather than equality. - **The Highlighter Rule:** Non-verbal gestures must be used selectively to emphasize specific moments rather than maintained continuously.

[01:36:35](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5795s) Non-Verbal Bridges and Social Proximity

Building on spatial cues, Van Edwards introduces the concept of "non-verbal bridges." In a speed-networking experiment conducted in her lab involving 500 participants, researchers coded conversations to identify behaviors correlated with high connection ratings (such as a 5 out of 5 rating). Successful interactions consistently featured non-verbal bridges—gestures designed to temporarily close the physical space between speakers.

``` "Really good relationships, really warm people... are bridging all the time. They walk by you, they touch your shoulder, they say 'How's it going?'... They're constantly doing these very small bridges." ```

These bridges include forward leans, nods, foot positioning, hand movements, and light, socially appropriate touches on the arm or shoulder. For individuals uncomfortable with physical touch, Van Edwards highlights "touching without touching"—reaching toward someone's space during an engaging moment and retracting without making physical contact. Furthermore, hosting behaviors like offering food or drinks serve as effective non-verbal bridges that break transactional social scripts.

- **Speed-Networking Study:** Analysis of 500 networkers revealed that high-rated conversations relied heavily on non-verbal bridging techniques. - **Types of Bridges:** Reach-outs, physical proximity changes, micro-touches, or gestures that signal access to an intimate zone without overstepping boundaries. - **Hospitality as a Bridge:** Offering items (like hot chocolate or tacos in an office context) breaks mechanical social patterns and lowers interpersonal barriers.

[01:39:03](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5943s) Greeting Protocols and Preventing Awkward Hugs

Addressing common social blunders, Van Edwards breaks down how to eliminate awkward greetings such as unexpected hugs or mismatched side-hugs. She explains that individuals must signal their intended greeting non-verbally from approximately ten feet away to set clear expectations before physical contact occurs.

``` "You can stop awkward greetings from happening with simple non-verbal cues... You want a handshake? 'So good to see you!' I want you to be doing this from 10 feet away... This immediately signals their brain: don't try to give me an awkward hug." ```

To establish a clear handshake, a person should angle their torso forward ("blading") and extend one arm straight out early. To signal a warm hug, both arms should be extended wide outward from a distance. Mixed signals—such as raising a single arm at chest level—cause confusion, leaving the other party uncertain whether to offer a handshake, high-five, fist bump, or side-hug.

Van Edwards shares a personal cautionary story about pitching a television show focused on recovering awkward people to major network executives in Los Angeles. Wanting to project warmth, she walked in and announced, "I'm a hugger!" as she went in for a hug, to which the executive bluntly replied, "I'm not." The resulting awkwardness doomed the pitch, serving as a lasting lesson on balancing warmth with professional competence.

- **10-Foot Signaling Rule:** Establish your intended greeting (handshake, double-arm hug, or fist bump) from a distance to guide the other person's response. - **Blading for Handshakes:** Angle the body slightly and extend one arm clearly to prevent unwanted hugs. - **The Failed TV Pitch:** An over-enthusiastic hug during a Hollywood network meeting backfired when the executive flatly declined, demonstrating the risks of over-indexing on warmth without reading the room.

[01:41:15](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=6075s) Navigating Hugs vs. Handshakes: Warmth, Dynamics, and Duration

Vanessa Van Edwards emphasizes that she no longer opens introductions with "I'm a hugger," choosing instead to offer a firm handshake first. If someone actively brushes her hand aside to initiate a hug, she accepts it cheerfully. When analyzed through her core framework of warmth and competence, declaring "I'm a hugger" right out of the gate signals exceptionally high warmth—often revealing that a person might be an overeager people-pleaser who craves connection or feels slightly insecure.

However, context dictates how greetings are received. Vanessa notes that when her students or YouTube viewers meet her in person, they often feel an intimate connection because her videos have been in their bedrooms, kitchens, and living rooms. In those specific scenarios, hugging feels authentic and welcomed like an embrace between old friends.

When a hug does take place, proper technique matters:

* **Avoid back-patting:** Tapping someone on the back during a hug is a submissive or diminutive cue—similar to condescendingly saying "hey bud" while tapping someone's head. * **Maintain alignment:** Approach the person straight-on without awkward body rotation, aiming for torso-to-torso contact. * **Adjust for height:** The taller individual should reach up and over while the shorter person reaches lower. * **Keep it concise:** The ideal hug duration is around two seconds.

``` +-----------------------------------------------------------------------+ | HANDSHAKE DURATION RULES | +-----------------------------------------------------------------------+ | 1 SECOND (1 Pump) | Quick, casual greeting for familiar acquaintances | | 3 SECONDS (3 Pumps) | Standard protocol when meeting someone new | | 4+ SECONDS | Creates discomfort, intrusion, and tension | +-----------------------------------------------------------------------+ ```

* **Handshake Mechanics:** Handshakes must always be offered with the **thumb pointing straight up** to maintain equal footing. * **Dominance Maneuvers:** Political figures like Donald Trump frequently use an aggressive handshake tactic—flipping the other person's wrist upwards to expose vulnerable wrist arteries while physically yanking them off-balance. Vanessa classifies this not as competence, but as an unsettling "danger cue" designed to break equilibrium. * **The Double-Handed "Cupping" Shake:** Placing a second hand over a handshake acts like a "hand hug." It doubles oxytocin release and warmth, but because it is heavily associated with political glad-handing, it should only be used when genuine warmth is intended.

---

[01:45:49](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=6349s) Decoding Male Nods and Stage Presence for Leaders

The discussion turns to subconscious male greetings, specifically the distinction between an upward and downward head nod:

``` +-----------------------------------+ | MALE NOD DYNAMICS | +-----------------------------------+ | +-----------------------+-----------------------+ | | v v [ UPWARD NOD ] [ DOWNWARD NOD ] "I know / trust you" "I acknowledge you" Exposes vulnerable neck Protects neck region Common among friends & in-groups Standard for strangers ```

When addressing larger audiences as a leader or public speaker, stage movement must be intentional rather than dynamic pacing or frozen stiffness. Vanessa outlines a framework for structuring physical movement on stage to signal confidence and guide the audience's mental processing:

1. **The Entry & Anchor:** Walk onto the stage with clear purpose—avoiding meandering—and anchor yourself directly in the middle to deliver your opening lines. 2. **Spatial Categorization (Advanced Blocking):** * **Stage Left:** Deliver scientific research, hard facts, data, and analytical information. This engages high-competence audience members. * **Stage Right:** Share personal anecdotes, vulnerable stories, humor, and casual videos. This connects with high-warmth audience members. 3. **Chronological Mapping:** For linear narrative talks (such as TED Talks), move from the audience's left to right. Begin early childhood stories on the left side of the stage and naturally transition across to the far right as the story reaches its resolution and insights.

---

[01:49:42](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=6582s) Messaging Psychology and The Pratfall Effect

When crafting screen-based communication—whether through emails, WhatsApp messages, or social media posts—leaders should first identify the primary emotion they want their audience to feel upon seeing their name. Successful messaging relies on a three-part structure:

``` [ IDENTIFY PAIN POINT ] ---> [ OFFER GOAL EMOTION ] ---> [ PROVIDE MECHANISM ] (e.g., Overlooked/Awkward) (e.g., Confident/Present) (e.g., Science Blueprints) ```

Vanessa cautions against trying to present an image of flawless perfection. She references research by Dr. Richard Wiseman (often linked to the psychological concept known as the *Pratfall Effect*), which evaluated how perceived competence changes when a mistake occurs:

* **The Blender Experiment:** A presenter demonstrated a blender in a shopping mall. In one condition, she gave a flawless sales pitch. In the second, she gave the exact same pitch but accidentally spilled the smoothie on the counter while pouring. Sales were significantly **higher** when she spilled the smoothie. * **The Coffee Spill Experiment:** Job candidates who gave strong interviews but accidentally spilled coffee—apologizing briefly before resuming—were rated as significantly more likable and hireable than candidates who made no mistakes.

> "No one's perfect... The longer the interview goes on without the other shoe to drop, the more the interviewer is like, 'Hmm, what's going on here?' You are better off dropping your shoe closer to the start."

This tendency is called the **"other shoe effect."** When someone appears flawless, observers become suspicious and actively search for hidden flaws. Revealing an authentic vulnerability early on satisfies this curiosity and puts others at ease.

Vanessa shares that when she wrote her book *Captivate*, her editor Nikki rejected her initial draft of the introduction because it sounded overly academic and stiff. Vanessa revised it to open with: *"Hi, I'm Vanessa, and I'm a recovering awkward person."* Admitting that flaw upfront anchored her authority in relatable experience and helped propel the book onto bestseller lists.

As digital platforms elevate the importance of personal branding, creators and professionals must balance authority with authentic vulnerability—avoiding both hyper-polished perfection ("ideas promotion") and oversharing trauma ("deficiency promotion").

---

Elicitations Group

[01:55:30](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=6930s) Personal Branding and Transmitting Neural Signals

Vanessa Van Edwards and Steven Bartlett explore how personal branding works on a spectrum of self-expression. Steven points out that while creators can easily fall into the trap of becoming "locked into being broken and messy" because their audience rewards vulnerability, showing true hardship is most effective when you also show how you became the hero of your own story. Vanessa shifts the perspective on personal branding by introducing the neuroscience of visual cues. Every visual element—from clothing colors and backgrounds to profile picture props—triggers pre-existing neural networks in an observer's brain through free association, similar to how the word "firetruck" immediately evokes concepts like "red," "engine," or "dog."

When applied to dating profiles, Vanessa advises that every picture should act intentionally as both an "attractor" and an "allergy." A photo of someone holding skis on a slope, for instance, will immediately trigger a feeling of cold, anxiety, or pain in a non-skier, effectively filtering them out, while triggering excitement and thoughts of adventure for the right match. Couples often share similar neural network reactions to the same visual prompts, enabling quick alignment on core values and lifestyle preferences.

- **Neural Associations**: Visual brand cues automatically trigger cascading concepts in an observer's mind. - **Attractors and Allergies**: Profile pictures should deliberately polarize viewers to attract compatible partners and quickly filter out incompatible ones.

---

[01:59:01](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=7141s) Visual Cues, Body Space, and Vocal Fry in Dating

Steven shares an example of a single friend in her late 30s who wants to settle down and start a family, yet 80% of her Instagram pictures feature her holding a cocktail. Vanessa explains that these photos activate the wrong neural networks in potential partners, signaling a "party girl" rather than a prospective life partner or mother. To fix this, her photos should mirror the actual life she wants to build—such as working hard at a conference, hiking, or running across the Brooklyn Bridge.

``` ┌─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ DATING PROFILE VISUAL STRATEGY │ ├──────────────────────────┬──────────────────────────────┤ │ ❌ WRONG SIGNAL (Cocktail)│ Creates "Party Girl" Cues │ ├──────────────────────────┼──────────────────────────────┤ │ ───────────────► ADJUSTMENT TO MATCH GOALS ◄─────────── │ ├──────────────────────────┬──────────────────────────────┤ │ ✅ ATTRACTOR (Work/Hike) │ Triggers Shared Life Values │ └──────────────────────────┴──────────────────────────────┘ ```

Beyond profile images, Steven notes that his friend displays very "contracted" body language, keeping her arms pinned to her torso like a "penguin" and taking up as little space as possible. Vanessa highlights two crucial physical distances: the space between the earlobe and shoulder, and the space between the torso and arms. Releasing this space through open hand gestures instantly communicates confidence and warmth. Additionally, people with contracted body language often exhibit "vocal fry"—a raspy sound caused by a lack of breath that makes the vocal cords rattle together.

- **Correcting Vocal Fry**: The quickest way to eliminate vocal fry is simply to speak louder, as increased airflow prevents vocal cords from rattling. - **Activity Dates**: Vanessa advises people who struggle with anxious, shriveled posture to go on physical "activity dates" (e.g., hiking, pickleball, ping pong) where open, dynamic movement occurs naturally.

---

[02:04:27](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=7467s) Gender Differences in Processing Body Language

Discussing brain imaging research, Vanessa notes distinct neurological patterns between men and women when reading body language from photographs. In MRI studies, women showed neural activation across 14 to 16 brain regions while interpreting body language, whereas men activated roughly half that amount. Women tend to synthesize a broad, narrative-driven interpretation—assessing clothes, facial structure, potential personality traits, and emotional backstories—which can sometimes lead to over-generalizing a single cue (e.g., assuming a guy with a mohawk drives a motorcycle and is a heavy drinker).

In contrast, men process body language with a more focused, cue-specific lens, looking directly at structural markers like shoulder width, foot stance, and visible hands. This targeted focus can make men particularly receptive to learning and applying specific body language cues systematically without getting bogged down by overanalyzed narratives.

- **Female Brain Activation**: 14–16 regions active; takes a holistic, narrative approach to decoding social cues. - **Male Brain Activation**: ~7–8 regions active; focuses directly on isolated, functional body language cues.

---

[02:06:33](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=7593s) Internal Transformation vs. Behavioral Tactics

Steven questions whether surface-level body language tactics can truly fix deep-seated awkwardness, referencing past acquaintances who either possessed natural, effortless charisma or misapplied pickup tricks. Vanessa firmly asserts that anyone can learn and master communication skills. Transformation does not require a complete personality overhaul; subtle, actionable tweaks can yield dramatic real-world results in friendships, dating, and career progression.

``` ┌────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ THE POSITIVE FEEDBACK LOOP │ ├────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ 1. Small Action Step (e.g., ask a strong question) │ │ │ │ │ ▼ │ │ 2. Positive Response (e.g., engaging answer) │ │ │ │ │ ▼ │ │ 3. Built Confidence (e.g., feel social mastery) │ │ │ │ │ ▼ │ │ 4. Outward Action (e.g., attend more events) │ └────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ ```

Vanessa shares that mastering these tactical behaviors was the exact path she used to overcome her own crippling social awkwardness and severe loneliness. Having a concrete, actionable tool—such as a go-to conversation opener like "What have you been doing that's exciting recently?"—provides just enough initial momentum to step through the door. Receiving positive social feedback validates the effort, building genuine internal confidence over time.

- **60%–70% Eye Contact**: Maintaining eye contact during 60% to 70% of a interaction—especially at the ends of sentences—makes others feel deeply heard and valued. - **Ditch Boring Openers**: Replacing generic questions like "What do you do?" with engaging prompts sparks meaningful conversations and unlocks real connection.

[02:09:35](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=7775s) Signalling Availability: How to Get Approached

Vanessa Van Edwards emphasizes that practical body language tools give people the confidence to break out of stuck patterns and try something new. When asked if these cues matter more for one gender, she notes that research shows no significant difference—they are equally effective for both men and women. Citing research by Dr. Monica Moore, Van Edwards explains that in social environments like clubs or networking events, the people who get approached the most are not necessarily the most physically attractive. Instead, they are the ones sending the strongest signals of **availability**. Highly attractive individuals with closed-off body language are routinely ignored, whereas those who signal openness draw people in effortlessly.

To signal availability in a crowded room, Van Edwards lays out several non-verbal cues: * **Open Body & Torso:** Never block your chest or torso with objects like drinks, iPads, or crossed arms. Angle your body outward toward the room. * **Croissant Feet:** Avoid parallel feet. Instead, angle your feet outward toward the center of the room like a croissant, signaling that you are open to someone entering your space. * **The Glancing Rule:** Dr. Monica Moore's research indicated it can take up to **eight short glances**—paired with a subtle smile, a hair flip, or a side-look—to give someone enough confidence to walk over and approach. * **Directional Gesturing:** Warmly gesture into the line of sight of the person you are interested in while speaking to someone else, subconsciously inviting them into the conversation.

For men trying to approach women, these same principles work to "warm up" a target beforehand. By utilizing quick glances, open body language, and croissant feet, a man lets a woman know she has his attention before he physically walks over. Paying attention to her reaction—whether she returns the glance or turns her body away—allows him to gauge her interest before making a direct move.

---

[02:15:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=8108s) The Adult Friendship Framework

Steven shares an emotional moment from a talk he gave in London's Canary Wharf, where an audience member in a room of a thousand people stood up and asked, "How do I make friends?" Van Edwards responds that adult friendship should be approached with the same intentionality as dating. Meeting two or three close, meaningful friends is critical for long-term health, happiness, and success. She shares her personal experience using a "Bachelorette for friends" approach when moving to Austin, which ultimately led to a close friendship and business partnership with Cody Sanchez.

To build meaningful adult friendships, Van Edwards recommends testing compatibility through intentional "friendship dates": * **Approach Friendship Like Dating:** Look for a "friend soulmate" who shares core values and activates similar neural networks through shared activities. * **Pace the Relationship:** Avoid rushing into deep closeness or "moving in" emotionally too fast. * **The Value Test:** Take prospective friends to unique or uncompromising spots to see how they react under mild constraint. Van Edwards jokes about taking high-maintenance acquaintances to *Casa de Luz*—a minimalist vegan spot in Austin with a fixed, unmodifiable menu—to filter out rigid personalities.

When starting from scratch, especially for men who often struggle to make friends, the best approach is centered around activities. Joining groups for hiking, running, pickleball, axe throwing, or soccer provides a natural, low-pressure environment. From there, simple follow-up questions like "Working on anything exciting these days?" or "What's your big goal for next year?" can bridge the gap from acquaintances to real friends.

---

[02:18:57](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=8337s) How AirPods and Hybrid Work Are Killing Friendships

Reflecting on societal shifts over the past 18 years, Van Edwards identifies AirPods and personal earbuds as major catalysts in the decline of human connection. Before ubiquitous wireless earbuds, people moved through public spaces—subways, hallways, gyms, and college campuses—with their ears open. This allowed for spontaneous "micro-moments of connection," such as brief five-second chats at a locker or casual greetings in a hallway.

These small interactions form the basis of **weak ties**, a concept in social research referring to casual acquaintances you recognize and greet periodically. Van Edwards warns that both AirPods and hybrid remote work environments are eroding these vital weak ties: * **Loss of Weak Ties:** Weak ties are essential for overall happiness, finding romantic partners, expanding networks, and discovering new business opportunities. * **The Death of Micro-Moments:** Friendships are rarely built entirely in deep, formal conversations; they are sustained through small, casual check-ins that wearing earbuds prevents. * **Impact on Career Growth:** In professional settings, the five minutes before a meeting begins are crucial for career advancement. Making light, warm conversation with colleagues and bosses demonstrates likability—a trait strongly correlated with higher earnings, frequent promotions, and workplace satisfaction.

[02:23:21](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=8601s) The Truth About Deception: How to Spot a Liar

Steven opens the final segment of the conversation by diving into one of the most universally requested topics: how to spot a liar. He jokes that listeners could misinterpret the entire body language discussion as a guide on *how* to lie effectively, but notes that in reality, everyone just wants to make sure they aren't being "played." Vanessa immediately anchors the discussion in reality, warning that people should never overestimate their lie-detection abilities. The average person can only spot a lie with roughly 54% accuracy—meaning you are barely better off tossing a coin. Because humans are naturally poor at this, Vanessa emphasizes the importance of giving others the benefit of the doubt rather than jumping to wild accusations.

While there is no single "Pinocchio’s nose" or definitive giveaway that guarantees someone is fabricating a story, certain statistical cues to deceit appear consistently in the research. These cues are not definitive proof of a lie; rather, they are red flags indicating that you need to dig deeper. One major vocal cue is the "question inflection," where a speaker unintentionally raises their pitch at the end of a declarative statement, boundary, number, or timeline. If an entrepreneur states that a budget is "500,000?" with a rising tone, Vanessa views it as a "double click" moment. It is a sign to lean in, ask where the number came from, and verify if they actually feel confident about it.

Another telling vocal indicator is a sudden drop in volume or loss of breath. When people become anxious or deceitful, they physically lose fuel and breath. Vanessa frequently notices this on sales calls when founders reach the specific parts of their pitch that make them the most nervous—suddenly dropping their volume when listing their founding partners or describing their background. For an investor, hearing someone drop their volume while introducing their co-founders is a cue to target questions directly at that relationship: how long they have known each other, how they fight, and how they communicate.

- **The 54% Rule:** The average person spots lies with only 54% accuracy, making intuition barely superior to a coin flip. - **The Question Inflection:** Using a rising pitch on a firm statement, date, or number indicates a lack of internal certainty or potential deception. - **Volume Drops:** A sudden, distinct drop in speaking volume or breathing capacity typically signals situational anxiety or hidden truths.

[02:27:06](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=8826s) Non-Verbal Mismatches and the Disgust Indicator

Moving from vocal cues to physical body language, Vanessa explains that the primary objective is to look for "incongruencies"—moments where the spoken words directly contradict the physical body. The most classic example is the incongruent nod: someone verbally saying "yes" while subtly shaking their head "no," or vice versa. Vanessa shares a relatable parenting anecdote, noting that when she asks her daughter if she cleaned her room, her daughter might respond, "Um, yeah, I did," while simultaneously shaking her head from side to side.

Vanessa notes a fascinating cultural caveat to this rule: research shows that people from India, Bulgaria, and Pakistan naturally nod and shake their heads differently. However, in Western cultures and most other countries, people naturally shake their heads in alignment with their internal truth. You will see this all the time in the workplace when someone is asked if they like a new colleague; they will say, "Yeah, you know, she's great," while completely unaware that their head is tracking side-to-side in absolute disagreement.

The biggest non-verbal giveaway for liars in scientific literature, however, is the micro-expression of disgust. Across all cultures, when human beings experience physical or moral aversion, they crinkle their nose upward and flash the upper whites of their teeth. Because liars often feel inherently "dirty" about the act of lying, they frequently experience a flash of disgust toward themselves. This can manifest as a slight crinkle of the nose or even a subtle sniff. When we feel disgust, our nasal wings dilate and our nasal cavities instinctively try to close to block out an offensive odor or experience. Vanessa uses this indicator strategically in professional settings; if she presents a strategic plan for the upcoming year and notices a team member flash a brief expression of disgust, she immediately pauses to double click and ask for their honest feedback.

[02:30:05](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9005s) The Hidden Danger of Ambivalent Relationships

Steven pivots the conversation to a striking concept he heard Vanessa speak about previously: the idea that the most toxic relationships in our lives are actually "ambivalent relationships." Vanessa clarifies that purely toxic relationships are actually less damaging because they are clear-cut; you know they are bad, you create firm boundaries, and you simply stop accepting dinner invitations or sending text messages. Ambivalent relationships, by contrast, are defined by chronic uncertainty. They are the connections where you constantly wonder, *"Does she like me? Do I like her?"* and find yourself actively hoping they cancel plans so you can stay home.

These uncertain bonds are incredibly draining because they trap you in a cycle of obligation and second-guessing. You feel a lingering guilt that forces you to text them or schedule a catch-up dinner, even though you don't truly care or feel supported by them. Vanessa highlights a compelling research study conducted with police officers to determine what factors create a thriving workplace. The study asked officers to rank the relationships within their precincts.

Surprisingly, the data revealed that officers who had the highest number of *ambivalent* ties experienced significantly more unhappiness, worse work-life balance, and higher levels of workplace stress than those who surrounded themselves with openly toxic colleagues. The officers who flatly stated that ten of their peers were toxic were actually happier because they harbored no illusions. The constant mental gymnastics of dealing with ambivalent people is what erodes well-being. Vanessa advises listeners to look at their social circles, identify the people they feel uncertain about, and use the next 30 days to ask them meaningful questions. If their answers don't resonate, it is time to either intentionally deepen the relationship or move them out of your life entirely.

> "Ambivalent relationships are the relationships in your life that are the most damaging... they are so energetically draining because a toxic person, you know they're toxic... where an ambivalent person, you're like, 'I should check in with that person, I really should go to the dinner'—it is so mentally draining."

[02:32:34](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9154s) Mastering the Art of Starting a Conversation

Turning to practical social mechanics, Steven shares that one of the absolute highest-volume searches on Google is the foundational question: *"How do I start a conversation?"* Vanessa smiles, revealing that this exact dilemma is the subject of her upcoming book. Her first piece of absolute advice is simple: do not overthink the opener. An effective opener doesn't need to be profound; it can literally just be, *"Hey, I'm Vanessa."* She recalls giving this advice to her youngest sister, who later praised it as the most impactful tip she had ever received.

When you first approach someone, the other person's brain is working overtime to decode your warmth, competence, facial expressions, and vocal tone to determine if you are a friend or a foe. If you immediately launch into a heavy, existential question like, *"What's your biggest goal in life?"* it overwhelms their cognitive processing. A basic, simple greeting accompanied by an open-palm hand gesture acts as a safety cue, giving the other person's brain a chance to register you as a safe, friendly presence.

The real magic happens not during the opener, but on the very first question that follows. Vanessa advises completely bypassing the standard, autopilot question of, *"So, what do you do?"* which instantly puts people into a scripted conversational rut. Instead, she utilizes tailored versions of the "excitement question" depending on the day of the week: - **Mondays:** "Did you do anything fun and exciting this past weekend?" - **Fridays:** "Do you have any exciting plans coming up this weekend?" - **Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays:** Vanessa jokes that she simply avoids talking to anyone altogether on mid-week days to avoid the conversational dead-zones.

[02:34:20](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9260s) The Introverted President: Finding Your Social Strengths

As the interview nears its conclusion, Steven asks Vanessa to share a vital, profound concept that they haven't touched upon yet. Vanessa brings up the inspiring historical example of Harry S. Truman, the 33rd President of the United States. While the public typically associates US Presidents with booming, highly charismatic, extroverted personalities, Truman was a severe introvert. During the 1944 Democratic National Convention, Truman was lagging in the polls, was not the preferred candidate, and knew he completely lacked the stage presence to out-speak his highly charismatic rivals.

Instead of trying to force himself to be an extrovert or work the crowded convention floor shaking hands, Truman chose to play entirely to his unique social strength: quiet, persuasive, one-on-one conversations. Because the convention center in Chicago was punishingly hot in the dead of summer, Truman strategically rented the single air-conditioned room in the basement of the building. One by one, his team invited delegates down into the cool room. Because it was air-conditioned, the delegates wanted to stay as long as possible. Truman sat with them individually, listened to their specific concerns, explained his platform, and won them over vote by vote. He ended up clinching the nomination without ever having to deliver a sweeping, theatrical speech on the main stage.

Vanessa uses Truman's story as a powerful mandate for the audience: stop competing on stages where you cannot be your authentic best, and start creating spaces that leverage your natural social strengths. Whether your strength is storytelling, humor, deep listening, empathy, decoding others, or analytical persuasion, you must engineer environments that favor it. Furthermore, Vanessa notes that social strengths do not even have to manifest in person. Many people thrive beautifully through text messages, thoughtful voice notes, or digital broadcasting. She reminds Steven that this is exactly how he met his own girlfriend—he broadcasted his authentic thoughts on his podcast, she resonated deeply with his words, and it opened the door for them to connect.

[02:37:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9420s) Breaking Autopilot: The 30-Day Challenge

Embracing Vanessa's transformation from a self-described "recovering awkward person" into a master of human behavior, Steven asks for the absolute first steps a listener can take to kickstart their own journey. Vanessa lays out two distinct, highly actionable challenges to begin breaking old habits immediately.

The first challenge is to commit to completely breaking conversational autopilot for the next 30 days. This means banishing generic, thoughtless filler phrases from your vocabulary entirely. For the next month, you are forbidden from asking lazy questions like, *"What do you do?"*, *"How are you?"*, or *"Where are you from?"* Instead, you must intentionally substitute them with higher-level queries that spark genuine engagement, such as asking about someone's weekend highlights or inquiring about their primary goals.

As Vanessa lists these rules, Steven stares intently at her, causing her to laugh and joke that he looks completely disgusted by the challenge. Steven smiles, assuring her he is just thinking deeply, while Vanessa encourages him by telling him he looks great. The second immediate challenge she issues to the audience is to explicitly diagnose where they naturally fall on the warmth and competence matrix so they can begin balancing their cues intentionally.

[02:37:43](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9463s) Taking Action with the Charisma Audit

Vanessa wraps up her practical recommendations by urging listeners to take an active step toward improving their communication. She advises evaluating whether one needs to dial up warmth to appear more friendly and trustworthy, or dial up competence to be taken more seriously. The process begins with taking her Charisma Quiz and performing an email audit, but she adds a high-value "bonus challenge" to ensure accuracy: sending the quiz to a close work colleague or partner.

Asking someone who knows you well to complete the assessment from your perspective provides an unfiltered look at how your signals land. As Vanessa points out, personal self-perception rarely matches external reality. A person might rate themselves as a balanced "five out of five," while their peers view them as heavily skewed toward warmth at the expense of authority. Obtaining this screenshot of honest feedback provides crucial, actionable insight for self-improvement.

* **Key Action Steps:** * Take the Charisma Quiz to establish a baseline for warmth versus competence. * Conduct a written email audit to check the tone and signals present in everyday communication. * Ask a trusted friend, partner, or coworker to complete the quiz on your behalf to uncover blind spots.

---

[02:38:21](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9501s) Facing Pain: The Book Failure and Overcoming Fear

Steven transitions into the podcast's signature closing tradition, reading a question left blindly by the previous guest: "When in your life did you try to outrun your pain and what was the consequence? When in your life did you turn and face your pain and what was the consequence?" The query prompts a deeply vulnerable story from Vanessa about a pivotal turning point early in her career.

In 2011, after years of struggling as a writer, Vanessa released a traditionally published book that flopped catastrophically. It received terrible reviews, barely sold, and culminated in an industry insider telling her, "You'll never write a book again." Devastated by the failure, she tried to outrun the pain by pivoting away from publishing entirely. Encouraged by her husband, she launched the official Science of People website and built a massive digital presence, accumulating millions of web visitors and viral videos. Yet, when her book agent Nikki approached her to write what would become *Captivate*, Vanessa repeatedly refused out of sheer terror, insisting, "I cannot do it... I will not survive if that fails."

It took months for Nikki to persuade her that writing a genuine, authentic book would be a completely different experience. Vanessa eventually chose to turn and face her deep-seated fear of failure, deciding that making a sincere attempt was worth the potential agony. Fortunately, *Captivate* went on to become a massive success, bringing her immense gratitude and moving her "one click further from that horrible failure."

---

[02:40:46](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9646s) Why Communication Science Matters Today

Steven expresses his heartfelt appreciation for Vanessa's contributions, emphasizing that her research on nonverbal cues and interpersonal dynamics is more vital today than ever before. He observes a troubling macro trend in modern society: despite being hyper-connected digitally, people are experiencing unprecedented levels of loneliness and struggling with face-to-face connection. During his years hosting the podcast, Steven notes a dramatic increase in audience questions centered around basic human interaction—such as how to build adult friendships or project confidence without being off-putting.

Reflecting on her work's impact on the hundreds of thousands of students and readers she has reached, Steven admits that he personally relies on her insights to audit his own behavior. He highlights that applying these cues is not about creating a phony persona or "building a facade," but about cultivating intentional self-awareness. By understanding how nonverbal signals function, individuals gain the power to choose how they want to show up as friends, partners, and leaders in everyday conversations.

---

[02:42:20](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9740s) Sponsor Message: Zoe Gut Health

In the final segment, Steven delivers a sponsor message for Zoe, an personalized nutrition company in which he is an investor. He highlights the widespread confusion surrounding dietary claims, pointing out that deceptive "healthy halos"—such as labels boasting "low sugar" or "nothing artificial"—are frequently attached to ultra-processed foods, whereas whole foods like fresh fruit rarely require health claims.

To help consumers navigate misleading food marketing, Zoe leverages one of the world's largest microbiome databases and advanced at-home gut testing. The service provides members with personalized nutritional programs tailored to their specific gut health needs.

* **Sponsor Details:** * **Product:** Zoe Personalized Nutrition Program and At-Home Gut Health Test Kit. * **Offer Code:** Listeners can use code `STEVEN10` at `zoe.com` for a 10% discount on membership.

## Notable quotes > [23:23](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1403s) The most popular kids had the longest list of people they liked. — Dr. Van Sloan

> [27:22](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1642s) I was just thinking of you — Vanessa Van Edwards

> [35:05](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=2105s) If you sit within 25 feet of a high performer, your own performance improves by 15%. Here's the kicker: if you sit within 25 feet of a low performer, your own performance decreases by 30%. — Vanessa Van Edwards

> [01:14:01](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=4441s) You're always so [positive label] — Vanessa Van Edwards

> [01:14:01](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=4441s) Last time we talked, you mentioned [specific detail] — Vanessa Van Edwards

> [01:24:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5048s) Are you working on anything exciting recently? — Vanessa Van Edwards

> [01:24:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5048s) What's your biggest goal right now? — Vanessa Van Edwards

> [01:27:17](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5237s) How someone relates to characters, their values or personality, is how they see themselves, and people's answers will shock you. — Vanessa Van Edwards

> [01:29:29](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5369s) I used to work in call centers at nighttime selling hotel rooms and car insurance and artificial grass, and now I get to sit here and have conversations with people like you... To be here feels... suspicious. — Steven Bartlett

> [01:34:20](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5660s) If you lean too far over, you get very quickly into bowing or submissive behavior... If I were to be reading a book and highlight the entire page, the highlight means nothing. If you lean in when someone's like 'What, really?' and then I lean back, then it's powerful. — Vanessa Van Edwards

> [01:36:35](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5795s) Really good relationships, really warm people... are bridging all the time. They walk by you, they touch your shoulder, they say 'How's it going?'... They're constantly doing these very small bridges. — Vanessa Van Edwards

> [01:39:03](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5943s) You can stop awkward greetings from happening with simple non-verbal cues... You want a handshake? 'So good to see you!' I want you to be doing this from 10 feet away... This immediately signals their brain: don't try to give me an awkward hug. — Vanessa Van Edwards

> [01:49:42](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=6582s) No one's perfect... The longer the interview goes on without the other shoe to drop, the more the interviewer is like, 'Hmm, what's going on here?' You are better off dropping your shoe closer to the start. — Vanessa Van Edwards

> [01:49:42](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=6582s) Hi, I'm Vanessa, and I'm a recovering awkward person. — Vanessa Van Edwards

> [02:30:05](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9005s) Ambivalent relationships are the relationships in your life that are the most damaging... they are so energetically draining because a toxic person, you know they're toxic... where an ambivalent person, you're like, 'I should check in with that person, I really should go to the dinner'—it is so mentally draining. — Vanessa Van Edwards

## Mentioned Vanessa Van Edwards, Steven Bartlett, Science of People, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People, Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication, Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Jamie Siminoff, DoorBot, Ring, Shark Tank, Shaquille O'Neal, Richard Branson, Dr. Barbara Wild, Dr. Van Sloan, Dr. Richard Wiseman, Dr. Matthew Lieberman, UCLA, TEDx, YouTube, Zoom, Neil Strauss, The Game, Jason Bartlett, Dr. Susan Fiske, Mr. Burns, The Simpsons, Maggie Kirkland, Cues, Zoolander, Barack Obama, Katniss Everdeen, The Hunger Games, Will Smith, Chris Gardner, The Pursuit of Happyness, Donald Trump, Nikki, Dr. Monica Moore, Cody Sanchez, Harry S. Truman, Captivate, Casa de Luz, AirPods, WhatsApp, Brooklyn Bridge, Austin, London, Canary Wharf, Chicago, Zoe

[Source](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw)

中文简报

范·爱德华兹解析驱动职场表现的非语言信号策略性平衡展现“热情”与“能力”的肢体语言，直接决定着职场影响力、信任度与社交联结。沟通专家 Vanessa Van Edwards 深入剖析了非语言信号、个人魅力与人际交往动力学的科学机制，阐释了微小的行为调整如何大幅改变他人对自身热情与能力的看法。她展示了一系列实用策略——例如运用摊开双手的姿势、尽量拉开耳肩距离、消除句尾升调（upspeak）以及提出聚焦意图的问题——以此建立融洽关系并消除社交尴尬。结合心理学研究，她概述了在约会、人脉拓展、识破谎言及重塑个人身份方面的技巧。对话最终表明，掌握肢体语言与有意识的沟通，有助于建立更深层的联结并斩获职场成功。人类大脑高度依赖非语言信号，其信任肢体动作的概率是信任口头言语的12.5倍，因为用手势动作说谎会引发认知摩擦。 (0:00) 人类沟通通过四个独立渠道进行：肢体语言、声音线索、言语线索和装饰外表（Ornaments）。 (3:45) 单个词汇就能彻底改变人类的行为与合作方式，正如研究实验所示，将“华尔街游戏”（Wall Street Game）更名为“社区游戏”（Community Game）后，利润分享行为增加了一倍。 (7:28) 将面无表情的“扑克脸”作为防御机制，会在无意中形成一种“看似心烦的冷脸”（Resting Bothered Face），从而将他人推向缺乏信任的危险区。 (9:39) 个人魅力建立在97个关键信号之上，并在两大核心维度之间取得平衡：热情（亲和力）与能力（胜任力）。 (18:29)

Reading summary

Behavioral researcher Vanessa Van Edwards argues that charisma is a learnable science governed by balancing warmth and competence cues, which guide human perception far more than spoken words alone. Balancing Warmth and Competence (54:04) Citing 2002 research by Dr. Susan Fiske, Van Edwards notes that 82% of first impressions are evaluated across two primary dimensions: warmth (trustworthiness and friendliness) and competence (power and capability). True charisma requires projecting both in balance. High competence without warmth creates suspicion—exemplified by Jamie Siminoff's initial rejection on Shark Tank for his DoorBot pitch—while excessive warmth without competence can read as insecure people-pleasing. Communicators can adjust this balance through non-verbal mechanics. To increase perceived competence, speakers can employ the steeple gesture (holding fingertips still in an open triangle) and maximize the space between the earlobe and shoulder to eliminate submissive slumping. To increase warmth without appearing disingenuous, individuals can use a slow triple nod, which research shows causes conversational partners to speak 67% longer, or adopt a slight head tilt to signal empathetic listening. The Primacy of Nonverbal Congruence (45:02) The human brain is 12.5 times more likely to believe a physical gesture over spoken words when the two conflict, because coordinating deceptive hand movements introduces significant mental friction. Liars naturally restrict their gestures to manage this cognitive load, making natural, congruent hand motions an instinctive baseline for perceived honesty. Nonverbal cues also govern conversational engagement and gaze. In Western cultures, optimal conversational eye contact falls between 60% and 70%; exceeding 70% shifts interactions into feeling invasive or territorial. Van Edwards advises looking away naturally while processing thoughts, then locking eye contact at the conclusion of key statements to project authority. Additionally, the lower lid flex—a subtle tightening of the bottom eyelids—acts as a subconscious signal of deep scrutiny or confusion that can highlight unspoken objections in professional settings. The Contagion of Environmental Cues (35:05) Human communication operates inside an interactive 'Cue Cycle,' where observed signals immediately shift internal physiological states. A study analyzing 58,000 working hours across 11 companies revealed that sitting within 25 feet of a high performer raises individual output by 15%, whereas sitting within 25 feet of a low performer decreases output by 30%. Negative signals and stress cues are twice as contagious as positive ones. To interrupt reactive defensiveness when spotting negative cues like eye rolls or mouth purses, Van Edwards points to Dr. Matthew Lieberman’s UCLA research on affect labeling. In fMRI studies, verbally identifying an emotion ('label it, name it, tame it') effectively neutralizes amygdala activation, preventing communicators from reflexively reflecting hostility or anxiety back to others. Intentional Conversation and Modern Connection (7:28) Surface-level pleasantries and passive default questions frequently impede rapport. Van Edwards advocates for a 30-day 'What Do You Do?' diet, replacing rote professional interrogations with open-ended prompts like 'Are you working on anything exciting recently?' or 'What's your biggest goal right now?' In parallel, simple verbal shifts reshape collective behavior: in Prisoner's Dilemma trials, participants shared 66% of profits when the activity was named the 'Community Game,' compared to just 33% when titled the 'Wall Street Game.' Van Edwards warns that ubiquitous wireless earbuds and hybrid work structures are eroding 'weak ties'—casual micro-interactions in hallways and common spaces that foster social well-being and career mobility. Furthermore, she cautions against maintaining 'ambivalent relationships.' Citing precinct research on police officers, chronic uncertainty over whether an acquaintance genuinely likes or supports you creates higher stress, poorer work-life balance, and greater unhappiness than overtly toxic relationships. Van Edwards stresses that mastering cues is not about fabricating a persona, but about aligning intention with physical expression. However, detecting deception remains challenging, as the average person identifies lies with only 54% accuracy, requiring communicators to treat nonverbal anomalies as prompts for deeper inquiry rather than definitive proof.

精炼阅读摘要

行为研究员 Vanessa Van Edwards 认为，个人魅力并非不可捉摸的天赋，而是建立在非语言线索与心理沟通框架之上的可习得技能。人际交往的核心在于精准平衡“热情”与“能力”两大维度，通过调控手势、微表情与对话提示，人们能够打破社交防御与负面循环，建立兼具高信任与权威感的人际连接。魅力的核心：平衡热情与能力的肢体线索 (54:04) Van Edwards 援引 Susan Fiske 2002 年的研究指出，人类大脑在形成第一印象时，有 82% 的评估集中在“热情”（友善、值得信任）和“能力”（权力、实力、可靠）两大维度。若只展现高度能力而缺乏热情，极易陷入令人起疑的“危险区”——例如创业者 Jamie Siminoff 在《Shark Tank》推销智能门铃时，尽管项目后来成长为数十亿美元的独角兽企业，当时却因非语言线索缺乏亲和与信任感而空手而归；反之，仅有过度热情而缺乏能力信号，则容易被视为讨好型或缺乏主见。针对不同维度的线索，Van Edwards 提供了具象化的调节方式：要提升权威感与能力，可采用“指尖塔式”（The Steeple）手势，将双手手指相对轻触成开角形，但须避免敲击手指以防显得阴险；同时应最大化“耳垂到肩膀的距离”，放松下沉肩部并保持下巴水平，因为缩脖耸肩是人类进化中潜意识传递焦虑的标志。在眼神接触上，理想比例为 60% 至 70%，在陈述关键结论时锁定眼神能强化确信度，而持续超过 70% 则会产生侵略感。若需提升亲和与热情，可采用节奏缓慢的“三连点头”，研究表明该动作可促使对方倾诉时长增加 67%；亦可配合适度的“头部倾斜”，在倾听或传递困难信息时展现同理心与开放态度。动作与表情机制：手势一致性与情绪循环 (45:02) 在大脑认知机制中，非语言手势的真实度远超口头语言。Van Edwards 指出，当肢体动作与言语表达发生冲突时，大脑相信手势的可能性是口头词汇的 12.5 倍。在一项实验中，让受试者在口说数字“5”的同时比出“3”的手势会产生显著的认知冲突，这种处理双重信息的心理摩擦解释了为何撒谎者往往会下意识减少手势。富有魅力且诚实的沟通者通常保持手势与概念的高度一致，并善于利用动态手势带动声音抑扬顿挫，从而显著提升听众的专注度。与此同时，面部微表情直接影响他人信任度与自身神经反馈。Van Edwards 警告，试图维持完全面无表情的“扑克脸”会使人难以捉摸，进而诱发对方的不信任感。在日常和静态照片中，常见的微表情误区包括：上扬眉毛露出过多眼白（发出类似惊恐或焦虑的信号）、不对称单侧扬嘴的轻蔑微表情（依据面部反馈假说，该表情反向强化自身的负面心理），以及未动用眼周肌肉的虚假微笑。此外，社交互动遵循“线索循环”（Cue Cycle）：一方释放排斥信号会瞬间激活另一方的杏仁核并导致瞳孔放大，触发防御反应；依据 Matthew Lieberman 的神经科学研究，在察觉负面微表情时实时在心中“给情绪命名”（Name It to Tame It），可有效中和杏仁核过度激活，阻断交恶循环。社交互动重塑：告别客套与践行示好思维 (23:23) 人际好感度的建立并非源于展示个人优越感，而在于主动释放认可。Van Sloan 博士对数千名中学生的研究表明，最具人缘的学生既非最幽默也非外貌最优者，而是“拥有最长喜欢他人名单的人”。Van Edwards 据此提出践行“首位示好者”（First Liker）心态，通过细微的主动示好积累社交资本。例如在日常生活中运用无压力的高温触点：“我刚才正想到你”，通过现实中的电影或物品触发真实问候，远比尴尬生硬的客套寒暄消耗更少心理能量。为打破流于表面的浅层社交，Van Edwards 主张开展为期 30 天的对话排毒，彻底摒弃“你是做什么工作的？”、“你好吗？”等让大脑陷入自动驾驶的程式化提问。前者容易将交往演化为社会价值衡量，建议替换为“你最近在忙什么令人兴奋的事吗？”或“你目前最大的目标是什么？”，为对方提供自由定义个人生活或事业热情的空间。她将人际亲密度划分为三个层次：仅掌握职业与地理位置的“表层特质”（第 1 层）、了解当前目标与担忧的“个人关切”（第 2 层），以及涉及深层自我定位的“自我叙事”（第 3 层）。对于长期消耗情绪的“矛盾摇摆关系”（Ambivalent Relationships），一项针对警局人际生态的研究证实，模棱两可、忽冷忽热的不确定关系比明确的敌对关系造成了更高的心理压力与倦怠，应予以主动辨析与边界划定。行为传染与空间线索：现代弱连接的危机 (35:05) 情绪与行为表现具有极强的物理与神经传染性。一项涵盖 11 家企业、累计 58,000 工时的研究发现，坐在高绩效员工 25 英尺范围内，个人的工作表现可提升 15%；而坐在低绩效员工 25 英尺内，个人表现则下降 30%，表明负面低效线索的传染力是积极线索的两倍。类似地，功能性磁共振成像（fMRI）实验证明，闻到初次跳伞者在高压应激状态下排出的汗液气味，能无意识激活受试者大脑中的恐惧区域。因此，人际环境中的非语言线索具有生物学维度的渗透力。 Van Edwards 提醒，无线耳机（如 AirPods）的普及与居家混合办公正在瓦解维系现代人心理健康的“弱连接”（Weak Ties）。过去公共场合中偶发的 5 秒微小问候被物理阻隔，导致职场交流与建立成年人友谊的机会社幅减少。在沟通实验中，500 名速配网络参与者的数据显示，高评分交流均大量使用了“非语言桥梁”（如前倾、适度肢体靠近或提供饮品等接待行为）。此外，针对普遍存在的测谎需求，Van Edwards 澄清普通人识别谎言的准确率平均仅为 54%，几乎等同于抛硬币；与其武断定罪，不如捕捉陈述句末尾音调上扬的“反问语调”（Question Inflection）等异常信号，将其作为深入追问与核实细节的线索。 Van Edwards 强调，研习非语言沟通的目的绝非编造虚假的人设或操纵他人，而是借助行为科学破除自我怀疑，建立清醒的自我感知。尽管肢体动作与微表情提供了丰富的人际洞察，但由于人类测谎与直觉判断存在天然局限，个体在应用这些框架时应当保持审慎与善意，通过主动平衡自身线索，在日益数字孤立的社会中重建有深度、有温度的高效协作与真诚连结。

Detailed notes — zh

## Background 本期内容由 YouTube 频道“The Diary Of A CEO”（主持人 Steven Bartlett）于 2024 年 12 月 9 日发布。节目邀请了“Science of People”创始人兼畅销书《Cues》作者 Vanessa Van Edwards，系统分享基于行为科学的人际沟通法则，揭示如何运用身体语言与潜意识线索避免社交误区并提升个人魅力与领导力。 ## TL;DR 访谈核心聚焦于决定第一印象与人际吸引力 82% 的双维平衡模型——热情（Warmth）与能力（Competence）。Vanessa 深入解析了包括手势呈现、眼神定格、沉稳降调、三重点头以及空间距离把控等一系列非语言微线索对他人潜意识的直接影响。此外，对话还提供了戒除套路化寒暄的深度提问框架、识别谎言与操纵性动作的统计指标，并为内向及中间性格者提供了清理无效消耗关系、打造优势社交场景的系统方法论。 ## Atmosphere & style 全片节奏张弛有度、生动风趣，将硬核的行为神经科学实验与即时的肢体动作示范完美融合。Vanessa 充满能量且毫无保留，以“康复中的社交笨拙者”视角建立起极强的共情力；Steven 则展现了罕见的自省与坦率，就自身防御机制与过往经历频繁剖白，使现场在专业认知大师课与深度情感疗愈之间形成了饱满且充满顿悟感的交流气场。 ## Bulletin - [00:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=0s) 大脑在接收信息时相信身体语言的可能性是相信言语的12.5倍，且第一印象有高达82%仅取决于“热情”与“能力”两大核心维度。 - [35:51](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=2151s) 物理距离带来显著的情绪与绩效传染：坐在顶尖高绩效者25英尺以内个人表现可提升15%，而靠近低绩效者则会导致表现暴跌30%，且恐慌等负面情绪能通过化学气味直接激活旁人的杏仁核。 - [41:50](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=2510s) 手势是降低沟通认知负荷的双轨工具：爆款TED演讲者18分钟内平均使用465次手势（冷门演讲者仅271次），初次见面亮出手掌能有效解除对方大脑的戒备反应。 - [02:18:57](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=8337s) 现代职场与生活习惯正在切断人际“微连接”：全天佩戴AirPods阻断了偶遇与会前寒暄，严重破坏了能带来职业晋升与加薪机会的“弱连接”网络。 ## Key takeaways - [00:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=0s) 第一印象的核心平衡：82%的社交评判取决于热情与能力，能力过高缺乏热情会引发怀疑防范，热情过高缺乏能力则显轻浮蠢笨，高魅力在于调配二者的动态平衡。 - [07:28](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=448s) 词汇诱发与启动效应：博弈实验表明，仅将游戏名称从“华尔街游戏”改为“社区游戏”，受试者的利润分享意愿便从33.3%跃升至66.7%，日常沟通中应使用更具协作感的线索词。 - [23:23](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1403s) 受欢迎的“积极喜欢法则”：青少年人际研究显示，决定人气的核心指标是主动表达对他人喜爱，成为“率先给出喜欢的人”比试图吹嘘打动别人更能建立深度连接。 - [31:26](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1886s) 自我叙事塑造注意力广度：报纸数图实验证明自认幸运、持有英雄叙事的人视野更敏锐，能轻易发现外在机遇提示，而受害者叙事会导致认知隧道狭窄化。 - [38:12](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=2292s) 情绪标签化机制：遭遇社交冷遇或恐慌时杏仁核会进入战逃状态，用语言在内心对情绪进行“命名标签化”（Name it, tame it）可迅速平复神经中枢兴奋度。 - [58:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=3525s) 权威与掌控力身体线索：拉大耳垂与双肩的垂直距离、采用指尖轻触的尖塔手势（The Steeple）以及在陈述句末尾定格眼神接触，能显著展现沉着与自信气场。 - [01:07:54](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=4074s) 语调陷阱与信任崩塌：陈述句尾反常升调（Upspeak）会传递心虚并诱发怀疑，外科医生自我介绍语调若显亲和力与专业度不足，遭遇医疗过失诉讼的概率显著上升。 - [01:15:23](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=4523s) 倾听反馈与操控手势：慢速三重点头可促使对方增加67%的倾诉时间，微侧头部能大幅拉升同理心；而在胸前轻微向前卷动的“手部点头”则是一种诱发顺从的操控技巧。 - [01:24:06](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5046s) 戒除自动驾驶寒暄套话：停止询问功利性的“你是做什么的”，换用“最近在忙什么有趣的事”或让对方自比影视文学角色，能迅速穿透防御触达深层自我叙事。 - [01:34:14](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5654s) 身体前倾的“荧光笔原则”：适度前倾能拉近人际距离，但全程过度前倾在潜意识中等同于屈从讨好，应像荧光笔一样仅在对方讲到关键处时短暂高亮。 - [01:39:03](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5943s) 告别尴尬问候的规范：在距离10英尺时就需提前释放明确信号；握手黄金时长为1至3秒且拇指朝上，拥抱应保持对称胸膛贴合，切忌拍背等居高临下的顺从信号。 - [01:51:09](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=6669s) 暴露缺陷的“另一只鞋效应”：打翻奶昔或咖啡但从容应对的演示者反而能获得更高的好评与销售额，面对完美无瑕的人大众会本能寻找漏洞，主动暴露微小瑕疵可打消戒心。 - [02:10:14](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=7814s) 释放“随时可接近”信号：社交场合中被搭讪最多的人往往不是外貌最佳者，而是保持躯干开放无遮挡、“牛角包脚位”朝向开阔处且频繁给出视线扫视的信号释放者。 - [02:30:05](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9005s) 斩断消耗精力的“模糊摇摆关系”：研究表明忽冷忽热的摇摆关系比明确的敌对关系带来更大的职业压力与内耗，应通过30天法则进行深度测试并果断清理社交圈。 - [02:32:34](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9154s) 创造适合自身发挥的主场空间：哈里·杜鲁门凭借租赁带空调的地下室以一对一逻辑谈话赢得选举，启示社交不适者不应盲目在他人主场竞争，而应主动构建适配个人优势的交流场域。 ## Detailed walkthrough ### [00:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=0s) 线索的力量与身体语言的诚实性大脑在接收信息时，相信肢体动作的可能性是相信言语的整整 12.5 倍。这是因为身体语言极难作伪。Vanessa Van Edwards 在开场便邀请主持人 Steven Bartlett 做了一个经典的认知冲突小实验：“请嘴上说‘五’，同时手上比出数字‘三’。”Steven 照做后坦言相当吃力，因为大脑必须强行将动作与言语拆分开来处理。这也正是说谎者往往会减少肢体动作的原因——同步编造虚假信息与不协调的手势对大脑负荷过大。 Vanessa 自称是一名“康复中的社交笨拙者”（recovering awkward person）。她早年曾一度认为魅力是天生的基因彩票，自己既不知道该如何与人对话，也不知道怎样结交朋友。然而行为科学研究彻底打破了这一偏见：高度成功的人士其实掌握着一套隐秘的语言——“线索”（cues）。研究表明： - 坐在顶尖绩效者（high performer）方圆 25 英尺以内，你自身的工作表现能提升 15%； - 一个人的自信心与焦虑感，直接体现在肩膀与耳垂之间的距离上； - 人们对彼此的第一印象，有高达 82% 仅取决于两大维度：**热情（warmth）** 与 **能力（competence）**。如果你总觉得自己得不到严肃对待、难以升职加薪，或者感到焦虑不知所措，说明你需要补充展现能力的“权力线索”（power cues）；反之，若经常有人反馈你“气场太强、难以接近、令人望而生畏”，则必须优先补足展现亲和力的“热情线索”（warmth cues）。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 印象评估的两大核心维度 accDescr: 展现人们在形成第一印象时主要评估的热情与能力维度及其对应特征 subgraph Evaluation ["第一印象的评估结构 (占整体评价的 82%)"] W["热情 Warmth (好相处、善良、可亲近)"] C["能力 Competence (专业、聪明、值得信赖)"] end subgraph Adjustments ["针对性调整策略"] W -->|"若被人评价为太严肃、难接近"| W_Action["补充 5 大热情线索"] C -->|"若被轻视、升职受阻、缺乏威信"| C_Action["使用 5 大权力线索"] end ``` --- ### [02:13](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=133s) 成功的隐秘语言：热情与能力的双重信号对于刚点进对话、犹豫是否该听下去的观众，Vanessa 直截了当地指出：极度成功的人每天都在运用这种线索语言。如果你既不懂得如何解读他人释放的信号，又无法掌控自己向外传递的信号，你就彻底错失了走向成功最核心的杠杆。 82% 的人际评价由热情与能力决定，这意味着只要你能主动掌控这两类线索，就掌握了决定他人如何看待你的绝大部分主动权。这不仅能让你在人群中过目难忘、倍增自信，还能让沟通变得极其精准。Vanessa 的使命是粉碎社会上的一大谎言——“以为书本上的高智商（book smarts）会自动转化为为人处世的高情商（people smarts）”。现实极其残酷：无论你多有才华、多聪明，只要你不懂如何与人沟通连接，你就无法建立高质量的人际关系与有力的友谊，甚至容易沦为“有毒人际关系”（toxic people）的牺牲品，在职场上升职加薪也屡屡受阻。掌握这套沟通信号，能确保你的才智不被忽视、不被误解，进而重塑你的事业、伴侣关系与社交信心。 --- ### [03:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=225s) 魅力是可以习得的：从社交笨拙到行为研究 Vanessa 讲述了自己走上行为研究之路的渊源。她从小饱受社交笨拙的折磨，原以为魅力全凭天生，直到 2002 年读到一项彻底改变她人生的科学研究——该研究证明“魅力完全可以通过后天习得”（charisma can be learned）。从那一刻起，她开始致力于逆向工程拆解社交机制：对话是否存在固定蓝图？社交与人际连接是否有规律可循？作为行为研究员与畅销书作家，她在约 12 年前开发出自己的首套沟通框架，至今已帮助超过 40 万名学员攻克社交焦虑、掌握自信沟通法。这些学员中，有人是为了职场晋升和加薪，有人曾焦虑笨拙到完全交不到朋友，还有人借此寻找终身伴侣。Vanessa 指出，当今社会很少有人系统化传授这些底层人际技术；即便有人教，往往也是天生的外向者在授课。例如 Dale Carnegie 的传世名作《人性的弱点》（*How to Win Friends and Influence People*），虽然极其优秀，但那是一个外向者写给世界的书。对于那些天生内向或不具备社交冲动的人来说，生搬硬套那套理论不仅极度痛苦，而且往往流于虚伪的“装到你成功为止”（fake it till you make it）。必须有一套方法，让非外向者无须假装外向，也能展现出强大的气场与魅力。 --- ### [05:36](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=336s) 认识中间性格者与社交电池的管理 Vanessa 将自己定义为“中间性格者”（ambivert）。中间性格者的核心特质在于：他们的精力取决于是否“在对的地点遇到对的人”。 - 在一对一的深度对谈中，中间性格者往往如鱼得水、充满活力； - 但如果将他们扔进喧嚣嘈杂的酒吧或夜店，他们的大脑会立刻宕机，渴望立刻独处。中间性格者能够为了达成特定目标而主动“调高外向旋钮”（例如在重要面试或商务场合展现亲和友好），但事后需要大量的独处时间来重新充电。因此，识别自己的社交损耗源至关重要。Vanessa 建议每个人都做一项基础练习：打开日历进行盘点，理清到底哪些人是“能量吸血鬼”（看到名字就心生畏惧与疲惫），哪些人是能为你“社交电池”充能的知己。对于耗尽精力的人，必须设立明确界限甚至主动拒绝；同时明确自己表现最佳的社交场景——究竟是一对一小酌、行业峰会，还是熟人派对，借此优化自己的社交能量分配。此外，Vanessa 澄清了大众的认知误区：线索绝不仅仅指身体语言，它实际上涵盖了四大通道： 1. **肢体语言（Body Language）**：面部表情、手势、站姿坐姿等； 2. **声音线索（Vocal Cues）**：语调、语速、音量和节奏抑扬顿挫； 3. **言语线索（Verbal Cues）**：具体使用的字词词汇； 4. **外在饰物（Ornaments）**：服装色彩、珠宝首饰、发型与面部胡须造型，它们都在潜意识层面悄悄向外界传递信号。 --- ### [07:28](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=448s) 一词千金：“社区游戏”与词汇诱发效应言语所蕴含的心理暗示力往往被严重低估。Vanessa 分享了一项颠覆认知的心理学实验：研究人员将受试者带入实验室玩类似“囚徒困境”的博弈游戏，受试者被随机分成两组，面对完全相同的规则、相同的研究员和相同的房间设置。 | 分组条件 | 告知的游戏名称 | 利润分享平均比例 | 行为模式反应 | |:--- |:--- |:--- |:--- | | **实验组 A** | “社区游戏”（Community Game） | **2/3 (约 66.7%)** | 倾向于合作、互惠与资源共享 | | **实验组 B** | “华尔街游戏”（Wall Street Game） | **1/3 (约 33.3%)** | 倾向于竞争、自私与防备保留 | 仅仅一个词汇的差异——“社区”对上“华尔街”——就彻底改变了受试者的心理锚定与行为模式。“社区”一词瞬间唤醒了人们对协作、共享与团队归属的感知，从而驱动了成倍的慷慨行为。Vanessa 强调，这说明我们在日常电子邮件、邮件主题行、即时短信以及 LinkedIn 个人主页标题中所使用的每个词，都在预设对方对待我们的方式。即便是在每周发送给客户的日程会议邀请（calendar invites）这种微小细节中，用词的潜意识启动效应也在时刻发生作用。 ### [08:44](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=524s) 词汇的启动效应：一个词如何改变大脑的预期日常沟通中使用的词汇往往带有强大的暗示作用。诸如“会议”（Meeting）、“一对一沟通”（One-on-one call）或“视频面试”（Video interview）等常见词，不仅过于泛滥，而且在心理感受上极其干瘪乏味。这类词汇无法提供积极的情绪线索，听者的大脑在接收到这些字眼时毫无期待。相反，如果在标题或日常措辞中加入具备积极线索的词汇，就能通过“启动效应”（Priming）引导对方预先进入特定心理状态，为成功做好铺垫。例如，将日历中的日程命名为“2025年成果盘点”、“协作研讨会”（Collaborative session）、“战略规划会”、“目标对齐”或“团队协同”（Teamwork collab session），每一次对方打开日程表，大脑就会受到积极暗示。认知研究表明，当人们仅仅看到“协作”这个词时，在随后的实际互动中展现合作行为的概率便会显著上升。哪怕只是一个用词的差异，就足以重塑他人的思维模式。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 词汇暗示对行为倾向的影响流程 accDescr: 对比传统冷淡词汇与积极暗示词汇对大脑心理认知及最终合作意愿的不同影响路径。 subgraph Cold["传统词汇模式"] A1["常规标签: '会议' / '一对一'"] --> B1["无有效心理线索 / 感觉冰冷"] B1 --> C1["被动应付、缺乏情绪投入"] end subgraph Warm["积极启动模式"] A2["线索词: '协作研讨' / '目标对齐'"] --> B2["启动积极认知线索"] B2 --> C2["显著提高合作意愿与执行表现"] end ``` ### [09:39](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=579s) 人际技能：决定成败的最底层核心能力人际交往能力是所有专业能力的放大器。无论是成为国家元首、优秀的销售精英，还是杰出的创业者，最终的核心壁垒往往并非硬性智商，而在于对人性的洞察，以及如何通过语言和非语言线索展现自身特质。如果缺乏人际技能，无论一个人多么聪慧，都很难在生活、爱情或商业中取得长久成功。在过去17年的教学研究中，凡妮莎（Vanessa Van Edwards）指导了超过40万名学员，其中经历最剧烈蜕变的往往是那些智商极高却极其“冷漠克制”（Stoic）的人。这类人专业素养过硬，却因不清楚该释放何种线索而选择彻底关闭情绪表达，刻意维持面无表情的“扑克脸”（Poker face），试图表现得深不可测。然而，隐藏或压抑非语言线索反而是极其危险的陷阱。当一个人毫无表情、无法被解读时，外界不但无法感知其专业度，反而会产生不信任感与防备心，导致其优秀的想法根本无法获得认同。智能门铃 Ring 的创始人杰米·西米诺夫（Jamie Siminoff）在参加《创智赢家》（Shark Tank）时的表现就是一个经典案例：他带着日后估值数十亿美元的革命性产品登台，却因在表达与非语言互动上引发了投资人的抵触，最终空手而归。 - **社交过度内耗（Social Overthinking）**：高智商但缺乏表达技巧的人在进入社交场合时，常感到手足无措，在“如何表现”和“该有何反应”之间反复纠结。 - **价值被严重低估（Underestimated）**：自身具备顶尖潜力，却因沉默或冷峻的表象而被外界轻视。 - **恐惧暴露真实自我（Fear of Authenticity）**：担忧展现真实一面或做出改变会引人反感，实际上只要学会传递精准的线索，就能吸引到气场契合的人，并教导他人如何正确对待自己。 ### [12:41](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=761s) 读懂你的“静止脸”效应：打破天生面相的负面假象很多时候，误解始于完全放松时的面部状态，即通常所说的“天生臭脸”（Resting Bitch Face，凡妮莎称之为 Resting Bothered Face，简称 RBF）。每个人在毫无表情、仅仅是在倾听或发呆时，面部结构都有其默认状态，这种无意识的特征会向外界持续发射信号： - **嘴角下垂型（Downward Mouth）**：嘴角天然呈现倒“U”型弧度的人，在静止时看起来像是陷入了悲伤或委屈，常被误问“你是不是心情不好”或“你是不是累了”。 - **眼睑深重与眉间纹型（Hooded Eyes & Furrow Lines）**：上眼睑脂肪较厚、眼眶深陷，或者眉心天生带有两道垂直川字纹的人，常被外界误判为愤怒、不满或充满攻击性。 - **眼角下垂型（Down-turned Eyes）**：眼尾略微向下的眼型容易强化忧郁或疲惫的气质，可以通过外眼线等妆容手段在视觉上提升眼尾角度，以抵消这种视觉颓势。想要扭转天生的静止脸缺陷，首要步骤是面对镜子精准诊断自己的默认神态是偏向悲伤、愤怒还是恐惧。在初次见面、关键面试或视频通话等需要建立良好第一印象的场景下，必须主动保持意识，通过微调面部肌肉让嘴角和面部线条维持在略微上扬的状态；而在彼此熟悉的团队和亲友面前，则可以完全放松，无需时刻维持这种肌肉张力。 ### [15:41](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=941s) 头像与初次印象中最致命的三大微表情误区在社交媒体头像、职业主页照片以及初次互动中，人们常常在不知不觉中暴露传递错误信号的面部微表情： 1. **暴露过多上眼白（惊恐神态）**：当人们感到恐惧或高度紧张时，眉毛会不自觉地上挑，露出瞳孔上方的眼白，如同“被车灯照到的小鹿”。这种神态不仅会立刻向外界投射焦虑，还会大幅降低他人对自己言论的信任度。 2. **单侧嘴角上扬（轻蔑微表情，Contempt）**：单边嘴角歪斜上扬代表着轻蔑、鄙视和不屑。根据“面部反馈假说”（Facial Feedback Hypothesis），面部肌肉动作与情绪体验之间存在双向循环回路——摆出单侧轻蔑表情不仅会让观者感到被冒犯，也会潜移默化地诱发自身内在的刻薄与优越感。在拍摄职业照或交际时，必须彻底杜绝这种不对称的歪嘴笑。 3. **皮笑肉不笑的假笑（Inauthentic Smile）**：真正的快乐与微笑必然伴随颧骨上方颊部肌肉的深度激活，牵动眼周产生细纹。单纯只动嘴唇、露牙齿而眼部毫无波动的假笑极易被旁人识破。针对无法自然露出牙齿微笑的人，凡妮莎现场演示了一个肌肉矫正训练：将手指或一支笔横衔在上下唇之间，尽力将面部肌肉向上推起，直接唤醒上脸颊及眼部周围的肌肉群。如果在拍摄头像或面对他人时无法展现真正的杜氏微笑，保持专注而平实的放松状态，也远胜于挤出一张虚伪生硬的假笑面孔。正如芭芭拉·怀尔德博士（Dr. Barbara Wild）的研究所示，虚假微笑无法激发积极的社交共鸣，唯有调动核心肌群的真实情绪线索才能建立真正的信任。 ### [17:47](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1067s) 假笑的失效与“天生臭脸”的困扰研究人员曾做过一项有趣的对比实验：他们先拍下受试者自然展颜的真实微笑，接着要求同一批人挤出虚假的假笑并拍照。从肉眼表象来看，这两种笑容几乎没有差别，两组照片非常相似。随后，研究人员让参与测试的人员先做情绪状态测验，再分别观看这两组照片。结果显示，看到真实微笑照片的受试者心情明显变好，情绪具有极强的感染力，他们隔着屏幕“传染”到了那种快乐；而看到假笑照片的受试者，情绪则完全没有任何变化。凡妮莎·范·爱德华兹（Vanessa Van Edwards）由此强调：与其挤出虚情假意的职业假笑，还不如保持纯粹的面无表情或中立状态。当然，如果能在照片或初次见面中流露出由衷的真诚微笑，对传递真实幸福感是最有力的武器。主持人史蒂芬·巴特利特（Steven Bartlett）随即指出，这听起来可能让某些人非常心累。生活中总有那样一种人，他们内心其实很善良、也很开心，但偏偏长着一张俗称“天生臭脸综合征”（Resting Bitch Face，凡妮莎称之为“天生困扰脸”Resting Bothered Face）的面容；而另一些人则似乎天生自带“微笑面容”，整天笑眯眯地走在街上。对于那些原本心情很好却长着一张臭脸的人来说，要维持所谓的亲和力似乎格外疲惫。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 微笑类型对观察者情绪的影响 accDescr: 对比真实微笑与虚假微笑实验中参与者情绪反应的差异流程图 subgraph Experiment["微笑感染力实验"] A["面部照片类型"] --> B["真实自然微笑"] A --> C["刻意伪装假笑"] end subgraph Reaction["观察者情绪反应"] B --> D["情绪显著改善 （被照片中的快乐感染）"] C --> E["情绪毫无变化 （无法引起积极共鸣）"] end D --> F["建议：宁可保持中立，也不要生硬假笑"] E --> F ``` ### [18:29](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1109s) 魅力并非强装热情：97个线索与“温暖/能力”配方针对史蒂芬提出的“疲惫感”，凡妮莎给出了“选择你的难处”（choose your hard）的视角。她坦言，当自己明明心情大好去开会，对方却担忧地问“你是不是又累又伤心？你没事吧？”，反复解释“我真的很好”同样令人精疲力竭。相比之下，在留下第一印象时稍微有意识地调整面部状态——比如眼神微抬、目光专注、嘴部微张放松——所耗费的精力其实少得多。凡妮莎特别强调，魅力不等于强颜欢笑。她从海量非语言沟通中提炼出了97个最关键的沟通线索（cues），每个人都可以自由搭配出专属自己的“魅力配方”： - **魅力的本质平衡**：真正的魅力永远由两大基石构成——“温暖度”（Warmth）与“能力感”（Competence）。 - **个性化的线索选择**：你不必做到所有97个线索。如果不擅长微笑，微笑就绝不是必选项；你完全不需要为了显得有魅力而伪装成外向活泼、兴高采烈的人。 - **多元的魅力人格**：既可以做深沉而有力量的内向领导者，也可以做极富同理心与治愈力的倾听者。 - **关于中立面孔的研究**：科学研究表明，确实有一部分人在面部肌肉放松的静止状态下，不仅看起来不中立，反而会被他人误判为愤怒、悲伤或焦虑恐惧；而极少数人能在完全放松时显得天生愉悦。 ### [20:25](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1225s) “康复中的社交尴尬者”：迷茫与孤独的大学岁月当史蒂芬问及凡妮莎为何自称是“正在康复中的社交尴尬者”（recovering awkward person）时，她袒露了自己青年时期的辛酸过往。早年的凡妮莎完全是一个社交恐惧者：她渴望独处，每次置身于人群或互动中都感到窒息和不知所措。她不知道自己的双手该往哪里放，不知道该说什么话，总觉得别人出生时都领到了一本“社交指南手册”，而唯独自己落下了。在漫长的时间里，凡妮莎在极度社交无能中陷入了恶性循环： - **两极化的尴尬表现**：每当对话陷入尴尬的死寂，她便试图用力过猛地去补偿——要么为了填补空白而口不择言、讲述荒谬离谱的笑话、开启滔滔不绝的“言语呕吐”（verbal vomiting）；要么被社交压力彻底压垮，整个人完全封闭自闭。 - **深重的孤独感**：尤其在大学时代，凡妮莎感受到了钻心的被排斥感与孤独。她以为这一切都是自己的缺陷：“我不会聊天，我连怎么交朋友都不会。”她渴望与人建立深度链接，却根本不知道如何将一个初相识的陌生人一步步发展成真正的朋友。 ### [21:44](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1304s) 人生转折点：像学化学一样去研究人转折发生在大学的一堂课上。教授布置了一篇小组协作论文，要求五个人组队，每人撰写五页。凡妮莎为了逃避人际交往，直接跑到教授办公室恳求：“只要能让我一个人单练，我愿意独自写十页，写双倍篇幅！” 教授平静地看着她说道：“凡妮莎，这项作业的目的根本不是写论文本身，而是学会与人合作。”这句话让她当场在办公室崩溃大哭。教授看出了她的痛苦，给出了改变她一生的建议：“你擅长理工科，你擅长做科学拆解。既然如此，你为什么不能像复习化学考试一样，去系统地‘复习’和研究人际交往呢？” 这一番话如醍醐灌顶： - **把软技能转化为硬技能**：教授鼓励她去观察社交圈里的那些高人气学生，拆解他们在交谈时究竟使用了哪些技巧与结构。凡妮莎由此顿悟——既然社交不是自己的天赋，那就完全可以借助科学实验、行为心理学、肢体动作以及提问公式，把它变成一项可以后天学习的硬本领。 - **创立“人类行为学实验室”**：这正是凡妮莎日后创办“Science of People”的萌芽。她开始创建自己的“对话蓝图”和结构化公式，并在日常中进行微型人际实验。当工具开始生效，她发现自己终于能自在地做回自己，并交到了知心朋友。 ### [23:23](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1403s) 面部表情的误读与范斯隆博士的“受欢迎研究” 这种社交蜕变并非一蹴而就。凡妮莎分享道，即便在摸索对话技巧四五年后，她依然有着严重的认知偏差。她的丈夫是她大学时就相恋的伴侣，某次参加完晚宴回家，凡妮莎垂头丧气地跟丈夫说：“我觉得今晚宴会上所有人都在生我的气。”丈夫无奈地反问：“你怎么总觉得全世界都在对你发火？”凡妮莎才意识到，自己有将他人“中立/平静的面部表情”下意识误判为负面敌意（如厌恶、轻视或愤怒）的心理缺陷。这种心理机制极度危险：一旦你以为别人不喜欢你，你就会竖起心防自我封闭，从而在行为上变得真正不可爱。为了弄清人际吸引力的根源，凡妮莎查阅了范斯隆博士（Dr. Van Sloan）关于“受欢迎青少年”的经典研究： - **研究设计**：范斯隆博士跨多所高中调查了数千名各年级中学生，试图寻找究竟是什么特质让某些孩子具有极高的人气。 - **变量排查**：研究对比了颜值、运动天赋、幽默感、智商等常见标签。令人惊讶的是，这些外在因素都并非决定人气的唯一核心变量。 - **核心发现——“谁拥有最长名单”**：贯穿所有学校和年龄段的最强大变量，是问卷中的一个问题——“你喜欢谁？”**最受欢迎的孩子，恰恰是那个列出的‘我喜欢的人’名单最长的人。** - **微小的喜欢信号**：高人气学生在日常生活中充满了“喜欢他人的微时刻”（micro moments of liking）。走在走廊上，他们会主动向身边的同学打招呼：“嘿，查德！”“嘿，切尔西！”“嘿，莎拉！” - **“率先喜欢者”法则**：这彻底颠覆了凡妮莎过去以自我为中心的思维。想要变得受人喜爱（likable），核心并不在于拼命证明自己多么有趣或优秀，而在于主动成为“率先给出喜欢的人”（first liker）。 ### [26:14](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1574s) 如果你“讨厌所有人”：如何打破社交防备史蒂芬听后忍俊不禁，打趣称此刻屏幕前肯定坐着不少瘫在沙发上的观众，心里暗暗自嘲：“完了，我连一个人都不喜欢，我讨厌所有人。” 凡妮莎对此深表共鸣，她坦白自己早年也曾陷入极端的厌世状态，觉得“我根本不需要人，我讨厌全人类”。但这往往是因为过往充斥着糟糕、尴尬的无效社交，进而让人对所有人产生防御。对于这类人群，凡妮莎给出了醍醐灌顶的建议： > “你讨厌所有人，很可能是因为你问了完全错误的问题，并且讲了完全错误的故事。” 在传统的社交中，许多人习惯于通过吹嘘自己或表现幽默来“给他人留下深刻印象”（impress people），这不仅让人心力交瘁，而且往往效果很差。想要真正获得人际好感，最有效且轻松的捷径，其实是**协助并引导对方来打动你（help people impress you）**，通过巧妙的倾听与优质的提问，让对方在与你的互动中感到闪闪发光。 ### [27:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1620s) “积极喜欢”策略与三大社交魔力短语之一凡妮莎·范·爱德华兹（Vanessa Van Edwards）指出，要让别人喜欢你，最强大的方式之一就是“积极喜欢”（aggressively liking）对方——当你在对方面前时，不断通过言语和非语言信号，毫无保留地表达你有多想喜欢他们、认可他们。只要给予对方足够的安全感与喜爱，你会亲眼目睹对方的态度发生转变，整段关系也会随之改观。凡妮莎在指导学员时有一套专属的“高讨喜度三大魔力短语”，而其中排名第一的便是：“我刚才正想到你”（"I was just thinking of you"）。这一短语的核心在于“真实”。日常生活中，我们总会在某个瞬间不经意地想起某个人。凡妮莎建议，只要你在当下能联系到对方，就顺手发一条消息：“我刚才正想到你，你最近怎么样？”、“我刚才正想到你，之前那个项目进展如何了？”或是“我刚才正想到你，我们真的好久没聊了”。更自然的做法是借助环境中的具体触发物——看到一部电影、一部纪录片、一杯抹茶拿铁、一个马克杯或是一支香薰蜡烛时，顺手拍照或发消息：“这个东西让我瞬间想到了你。”凡妮莎坦言自己的手机短信和日常对话里全都是这种真实的触动瞬间，而如果一个人从未在你的脑海中自然浮现，那他或许本就不属于你需要留在核心生活圈里的人。听到这里，斯蒂芬·巴特利特（Steven Bartlett）立刻提出了质疑。他直言这听起来极其累人，就像无形中给自己又加了一份全职工作：“天哪，又来一项新差事。”斯蒂芬解释道，自己的核心圈子不过就六个朋友，加上伴侣、家人和团队已经够忙了，如果每天还要特意留出一个小时去给认识的人挨个发“我刚才想到你”，心理负担极大。凡妮莎笑着纠正了他的误区：这绝对不是让你专门坐在办公桌前定闹钟打卡，而是“在野外”（in the wild）自然发生的状态——比如你在坐公交、在餐厅吃饭、看纪录片时偶遇某个联想，花几秒钟随手发一条即可。这种随性其实远比日后思念老朋友却不知如何破冰要省力得多，也远胜于在偶遇半熟不熟的同事时，绞尽脑汁硬聊那些枯燥透顶的客套话：“周末过得怎么样？”与其被迫尬聊，不如真诚地说一句：“我知道你超喜欢海豚，我刚在 Netflix 上看到一部海豚纪录片，正想着你看不看呢。” ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 三个亲密层级模型 accDescr: 展现从浅层到深层的人际关系亲密层级划分，包含一般特征、个人关切以及自我叙事。 subgraph L1["第一层：一般特征（General Traits）"] A["泛泛之交 / 浅层熟人"] --> A1["了解工作、住址、基础外在信息"] end subgraph L2["第二层：个人关切（Personal Concerns）"] B["高价值投入关系"] --> B1["掌握其核心目标、内在动机、性格与担忧"] end subgraph L3["第三层：自我叙事（Self-Narrative）"] C["极少数核心亲密关系"] --> C1["深层心智脚本：自己对自己讲述的人生故事"] end L1 --> L2 --> L3 ``` ### [29:43](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1783s) 社交疲倦测试与人际关系的三个亲密层级斯蒂芬紧接着抛出了第二个现实顾虑：一旦开始在 WhatsApp 上四处发送这些消息，极容易引发一连串无休止的低质对话。对方可能会回复“哦我挺好的，你呢？”，自己只能回“我也挺好的，谢谢”，随后便陷入极其机械且令人疲倦的无效社交循环中。凡妮莎对此给出了一个犀利的回答：“我本身就不赞成问‘你最近怎么样’（How are you?），那是另一码事。”她认为，这种担忧恰恰提供了一个极为精准的“人际过滤器”——如果你给某人发消息时，打心底里害怕对方回话、害怕展开对话会让自己觉得无聊又疲惫，那就说明这个人根本不是你的亲密朋友，你压根不需要给他发这条消息。凡妮莎由此拆解了人际交往中的“三个亲密层级”（Three Levels of Intimacy）。为了帮助理清社交网络，她经常让学生在纸上写下平时花时间最多的前 20 个人，并将他们归类到这三个层级中： - **第一层：一般特征（General Traits）**：这类人属于普通熟人（Acquaintances）。你仅知道对方在哪儿工作、住在哪里、日常做什么，谈话停留在浅层，你也没有意愿与他们建立更深的联结。有些表面上看似频繁走动的人，其实也仅止步于此。 - **第二层：个人关切（Personal Concerns）**：处于这一层级的人彼此熟知核心动向与内在心理。他们清楚你的性格特征、深层担忧、价值诉求以及目前最重要的人生目标；同样地，你也完全掌握对方当下正在为攻克什么难关而努力。这是值得倾注时间和精力去深度维系的关系。 - **第三层：自我叙事（Self-Narrative）**：这是人际交往中最深刻的层面，也是凡妮莎当时正在做深入研究的新书主题。自我叙事指的是“我们自己在内心深处讲述给自己的关于自己的人生故事”（the story we tell ourselves about ourselves）。能进入这一层级的通常只有伴侣或两三个极度亲密的人，他们不仅了解你的现实处境，更能彻底看透你如何定义自己的存在与命运。 ### [31:26](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1886s) 破解内在心智脚本：英雄、疗愈者与受害者叙事在进一步剖析“自我叙事”时，凡妮莎指出，一个人讲述自己故事的内在脚本基本可以划分为三种核心原型。了解身边最亲密的人属于哪一种原型，同时洞察自己的内在脚本，对于理解彼此的言行逻辑至关重要： 1. **英雄叙事（Hero Narrative）**：这是最健全、最具赋能意味的心智模式。抱持英雄叙事的人，内心脚本通常是：“我经历过极其艰辛的付出，走过弯路，也犯过错、遇过挫折，但我凭借勤奋与智慧克服了这一切，最终走到了今天。”无论让他们回顾职业生涯、感情历程还是日常生活，他们叙述故事的底层架构永远是这种直面挑战、最终克服困难的英雄之旅。 2. **疗愈者叙事（Healer Narrative）**：这部分人的整个人生故事都围绕着“帮助他人”展开，常见于物理治疗师、护士、医疗工作者等服务型行业。他们的内在追问永远是“我怎样才能提供更多帮助”。然而，处于疗愈者叙事中的人往往伴随着深层的心理阴影：他们极易沦为迎合他人者（people pleasers），习惯性地把别人的需求置于自身之上。在深入探究其成因时，斯蒂芬询问这是否源于某种历史创伤。凡妮莎证实了这一点：疗愈者通常过早地承担了照顾家庭或他人的重责，自幼被灌输“唯有照顾好别人、唯有牺牲自我需求，你才有价值”的观念。在职场中与疗愈者共事固然令人安心，因为他们乐善好施，但管理或相处时必须格外注意，因为他们极其不擅长拒绝，容易答应过多任务而陷入透支。 3. **受害者叙事（Victim Narrative）**：陷入这种模式的人，无论面对事业、情感、人际甚至缴纳税款等琐事，口吻永远千篇一律：“我遭遇了重重困境与错误，但我根本无法克服；无论我多么努力、多么聪明，整个世界都在故意针对我。” ### [33:16](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1996s) “你觉得自己幸运吗？”理查德·怀斯曼的报纸数图实验为了快速判断一个人的自我叙事偏向哪种类型，凡妮莎常会抛出一个极其简单却深刻的问题：“你觉得自己是一个幸运的人吗？”斯蒂芬与凡妮莎均毫不犹豫地回答自己“非常幸运”。凡妮莎解释道，凡是对“我很幸运”给出响亮肯定回答的人，大多持有英雄叙事或疗愈者叙事；而那些坚信自己非常倒霉、毫无运气可言的人，往往深陷受害者叙事之中。为了佐证这一现象，凡妮莎引用了理查德·怀斯曼博士（Dr. Richard Wiseman）一项著名的运气心理学实验： - 怀斯曼博士首先对受试者进行自我运气感知评估，将他们区分为自认为“幸运”与自认为“倒霉”的两组人。 - 随后，研究人员给每人发了一份报纸，要求他们以最快速度数出整份报纸中总共有多少张图片。 - 这场实验暗藏机关：在报纸的第二页正中，印有一行硕大的印刷字体：“**别数了，这份报纸里一共有 42 张图片。**” - 实验结果极其惊人：绝大多数自认为幸运的人，翻开第二页时一眼就看到了这个巨大的提示，随即合上报纸向研究人员报告正确答案；而那些自认为倒霉的人，几乎全都对该广告视而不见，低着头耗费大量时间一张张去数，最终耗时漫长且频频出错。这个实验证明：当你打心底里认为自己是个幸运者时，你的大脑在生理和注意力层面上会敏锐地捕捉到更多潜藏的机遇；而若你自认倒霉，你的视野就会变得狭隘，对摆在眼前的机会视若无睹。斯蒂芬随即追问，这种根深蒂固的自我认知是否有可能被扭转？凡妮莎给出了肯定的答复，她坚信“成长型思维”（growth mindset）。要摆脱受害者叙事，关键在于从日常生活中的“微型英雄时刻”（small moments of heroism）切入：如果你过去常说“我讨厌社交、我不喜欢人”，试着换成“我要找到一种喜欢与人交往的方式”；与其自怨自艾“我社交笨拙”，不如告诉自己“我正在从社交笨拙中康复”。通过一次次微小的行为实验积累正向反馈，内在的自我叙事便会逐步被重写。 ### [35:05](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=2105s) 职场中的隐藏沟通与低绩效感染效应研究话题随后延伸到了商业管理领域。斯蒂芬结合自身作为企业家的招募经历谈到，他常常对求职者的言语与非语言线索保持敏锐警惕。他回忆起过去的一次面试：从客观履历和专业技能来看，应聘者完全符合岗位资质，但对方在面试过程中散发出的能量气场和非语言信号，却隐隐透露出一种疲惫、不满，抑或是根本不想留在这里的负面讯息。斯蒂芬借此向凡妮莎发问：是否有严谨的科学研究能够证实，职场中这些隐藏的潜沟通线索直接主导着职业成就与团队表现？凡妮莎对此给出了极为热烈的肯定回应。她介绍了一项让她大为震撼的重量级管理学研究：该研究横跨 11 家不同领域的公司，追踪记录了多达 58,000 个实际工作小时的海量数据。研究人员的核心目的，正是为了查明团队中的低绩效者与负能量传播者，究竟会如何通过情绪与微小线索“传染”并拖垮身边的同僚。 ### [035:51] 负面情绪的强大传染力与“恐惧的气味” 人们的情绪与工作表现具备极强的生物传染性。研究发现，如果你坐在一名高绩效者（High performer）方圆 25 英尺以内，你自身的工作表现会提升 15%；然而更令人吃惊的转折在于，如果你坐在一名低绩效者（Low performer）方圆 25 英尺以内，你的自身表现竟会骤降 30%。这证明负面情绪的传染性远比正面情绪更强、更具杀伤力。如果你长期被焦虑、疲惫或缺乏自信的人包围，他们的负面线索（Negative cues）就会无形中侵蚀你。正因如此，审视并挑选“与你相处时间最长的五个人”至关重要——你必须确保自己想要吸收他们身上散发出的线索与驱动力。除视听线索外，人与人之间还存在更为惊人的生理与化学传染通道。凡妮莎（Vanessa Van Edwards）分享了一项略显恶心却极为震撼的实验：研究人员让两组受试者分别穿上收集汗液的特殊汗衫，第一组在跑步机上剧烈奔跑排汗，第二组则是去体验人生第一次高空跳伞。随后，研究团队将收集到的“跑步机汗液”与“跳伞汗液”交给另一批躺在核磁共振（fMRI）机器中的受试者闻。结果令人咋舌：所有闻到“跳伞汗液”的人，其大脑中的杏仁核（Amygdala，负责恐惧与威胁预警的中枢）瞬间被激活，在完全不知情的情况下产生了生理恐惧反应；而闻到跑步机汗液的人大脑则毫无波动。这证明人类不仅能通过肢体语言感知情绪，甚至能在化学层面“闻到”恐惧，这也是人类直觉（Gut feeling）之所以不可忽视的根本原因。 - **座位距离效应**：坐在高绩效者 25 英尺内表现提升 15%；坐在低绩效者 25 英尺内表现下降 30%。 - **恐惧汗液实验**：闻到跳伞者冷汗的受试者杏仁核直接激活，证明情绪可通过化学气味直接传染。 --- ### [038:12] 线索循环：用“命名标签”打破负能量死锁面对不可避免的化学与情绪传染，史蒂文提出疑问：如果我们散发的化学信号会无意识影响他人，那努力保持微笑和积极是不是徒劳？凡妮莎对此坚决否定。她认为“意图（Intention）”是通往自信的后门。她并不认同盲目的“假装直到成功（Fake it till you make it）”，而是主张带着明确的沟通意图入场。当你掌握了有效的对话工具并带着良好意图发问时，对方会给出精彩的回应，让你觉得自己富有魅力，对方也感到被喜爱，从而形成良性正向循环。相反，社交中也存在破坏性的“线索循环（Cue cycle）”。许多人误以为沟通只是单向的发号与接收，却忽视了内心发生的反射回路。实验表明，当测试者面对一名做出“社交排斥线索”（如翻白眼、冷哼、身体后撤阻隔）的演员时，测试者的瞳孔会立刻放大，视野瞬间变宽——身体直接进入战逃反应（Fight-or-flight），警惕寻找逃生通道并自忖“是否还有其他人讨厌我”。这种内在恐慌会立刻劣化测试者反馈给对方的线索，使其表现得更加焦虑不安。要想打破这种消极循环，关键在于**认知重塑与标签化（Labeling）**。加州大学洛杉矶分校（UCLA）的马修·利伯曼博士（Dr. Matthew Lieberman）在 fMRI 研究中发现：当人们看到一张恐惧的微表情面孔时，自身的杏仁核也会被点燃；但只要在心里默默教他们说出“恐惧”这个词进行识别命名，其杏仁核的活跃度就会瞬间熄灭。凡妮莎指出，只要你掌握了识别 97 种线索的能力，当在社交中捕捉到对方撇嘴（Lip purse）、轻蔑或耸肩时，不要陷入自我怀疑，而是在心里默默打上标签：“收到（Clocked）”、“记下了（Noted）”或“红旗警示（Red flag）”。“命名它，就能驯服它（Name it, tame it）”，将潜在的社交焦虑转化为赋权的情报感知，便能彻底掌控局面。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 社交线索循环与应对机制 accDescr: 展示负面社交线索如何引发身体应激并导致恶性循环，以及通过心里打标签阻断负面激活的解决路径。 subgraph Negative_Cycle["负面反射循环（无意识状态）"] A["接收负面线索 （如翻白眼/撇嘴/冷哼）"] --> B["战逃生理反应 （瞳孔放大/杏仁核激活）"] B --> C["内在焦虑升温 （怀疑自我/寻找逃跑路线）"] C --> D["回馈负面防御线索 （神态紧绷/表现僵硬）"] D -.->|"恶性循环加深"| A end subgraph Intervention["科学阻断机制（命名驯服）"] E["理性识别线索"] --> F["心智标记 （心中默念 Clocked / Noted）"] F --> G["杏仁核警报熄灭 （获得掌控感与客观认知）"] end A -->|"主动认知介入"| E ``` --- ### [041:50] 手势的力量：双手是通往心灵的窗户史蒂文提起凡妮莎在 TED 极具轰动性的演讲《You Are Contagious》，并谈到唐纳德·特朗普（Donald Trump）在竞选中极其频繁且鲜明的手势运用。凡妮莎强调，“双手是通往心灵的窗户”，人们严重低估了肢体手势对注意力和信任感的决定性影响。她当场与史蒂文做了一个互动实验：凡妮莎故意将双手完全收到桌子底下。随着双手隐藏的时间越长，对方的大脑杏仁核就会越加不安地运转，下意识被“她的手在哪儿？为什么藏起来？”分散注意力；而一旦双手重新放回桌面上，大脑便会本能地松一口气。从进化心理学角度看，远古洞穴人时代，陌生人走近时如果张开双手示意，就证明他没有握着石块或标枪，代表着安全与友好；而把手藏在背后或插在口袋里则预示着危险。现代人在视频会议或线下办公室中，看不到对方的双手同样会触发这种原始的戒备机制。凡妮莎基于此提出了两个关键的沟通技巧： 1. **进门首选“亮出手掌”**：在初次见面的最初几秒，无论线下还是视频会议，甚至在握手之前，主动举起手轻微挥动亮出手掌（Flash your palm）。人类潜意识对开放的手掌具有极强的偏好与安全感，能瞬间确立“友善、非敌对”的氛围。 2. **手势作为“第二沟通轨道”**：高能力者对谈话内容的掌握极为透彻，能够开启声画双轨模式——一边用语言表达，一边用手势勾勒内容轮廓，就像孩子偏爱绘本一样生动。凡妮莎团队曾对 2010 年以来的 TED 演讲进行全面编码分析，研究爆款演讲与冷门演讲的差异： - **爆款 TED 演讲者**：在 18 分钟的演讲中平均使用 **465 次手势**。 - **冷门 TED 演讲者**：在同样 18 分钟内平均仅使用 **271 次手势**。手势并非无意义的多余动作，而是展示掌控力、降低听众理解门槛并建立深度信任的核心利器。 ### [44:59](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=2699s) 手势的潜意识力量与言行一致性在沟通中，手势往往直接决定了听众对信息的理解和信任度。Vanessa Van Edwards 现场展示了如何用手势辅助语言：当她说“今天我想和大家分享一个改变生活的大想法，它包含三个关键点”时，双手自然地配合词句在空中勾勒轮廓与数量。然而，如果一名演讲者走上台，嘴里宣称“今天我有一个非常庞大、极其重大的想法”，双手却比划出一个极小的微缩手势，听众的大脑便会陷入混乱。神经心理学研究显示，当言语和肢体动作发生冲突时，人的大脑相信手势的概率比相信言语高出整整 12.5 倍。极具魅力的演讲者不会像跳现代舞那样做出夸张复杂的动作，而是用基础且精准的手势为听众“勾勒（outline）”重点并强化重要信息。Vanessa 幽默地比划着不同大小：“如果一件事很大，你得展示出来——它像沙滩球那么大？还是像一头驴那么大？还是山羊那么大？”反之，如果某件事微不足道、无需挂齿，配合一个轻描淡写的挥手动作，就能在心理上真正让对方感到这不值一提。为了证明手势是由大脑深层神经自然驱动、极难造假的，Vanessa 与主持人 Steven Bartlett 做了一个有趣的互动实验：她让 Steven 嘴里说出数字“五（5）”，同时用手比划出数字“三（3）”。Steven 尝试后感叹这极其别扭，大脑必须停顿下来分别处理两者。这一现象解释了为什么人类本能地极度关注手势——我们的大脑在实时侦测言行是否一致（congruent）。说谎者在行骗时通常会明显减少手势的使用，因为大脑难以支撑这种认知负荷；而那些动作与言语完全一致、自然流露手势的人，则会本能地让人觉得专业且真诚。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 肢体手势与大脑信任机制 accDescr: 展示当手势与言语冲突时，大脑倾向于信任肢体动作，以及一致性如何建立信任 subgraph Conflict ["言行冲突场景"] A["口头表达：'极其重大的想法'"] B["肢体动作：比划微小手势"] C{"大脑潜意识裁决"} A --> C B --> C C -- "12.5倍优先信任度" --> D["听众判定：虚假 / 夸大 / 不可信"] end subgraph Congruence ["言行一致场景"] E["口头表达：明确重点与规模"] F["肢体动作：同步勾勒轮廓与数量"] G["神经协调一致"] E --> G F --> G G --> H["听众判定：高度真诚、充满魅力与掌控力"] end ``` ### [46:38](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=2798s) 肢体语言与声音抑扬顿挫的联动效应面对 TED 演讲中高频手势现象，Steven 提出了因果关系的疑问：究竟是自信、不紧张的演讲者自然使用了更多手势，而焦虑者因为进行自我抚慰（self-soothing）和封闭身体才减少动作？Vanessa 认为核心并非在于“自信与紧张”，而在于“参与感与专注度（engagement）”。几乎所有 TED 演讲者都是领域的顶尖专家，演讲内容也都很好，但观众的大脑很难忍耐长达 18 分钟、毫无手势辅助的枯燥输出。那些缺乏肢体语言的人往往是因为过度排练而动作僵硬，或是紧紧抓着讲台和翻页笔，导致思维与身体脱节。 Steven 分享了播客频道的切身体会：嘉宾使用手势越多，整个人就会更富表现力；而身体表现力越强，声音的抑扬顿挫（intonations）就越丰富，进而带动节目的留存率和算法推荐量。Vanessa 证实了这种身心反馈回路（feedback loop）：如果要求一个人坐在自己的双手上进行访谈，其面部表情和声音音调都会迅速丧失魅力。这种手势效应甚至直接延伸到了视觉设计与视频数据上。Vanessa 的团队在 YouTube 缩略图（Thumbnail）测试中发现，只要封面图里包含她的任何手势动作，哪怕只是比划一个简单的“2”，点击率都会大幅飙升，其吸引力甚至远超夸张的面部表情。这种视觉线索会瞬间激发好奇心，暗示说话者有清晰的知识框架与专业度。此外，Vanessa 指出魅力表达不可或缺的基石是声音多样性（vocal variety）。顶级沟通者在表达不同内容时，会自如切换音调模型： - **TED 演讲音调（TED Talk voice）**：语调沉稳、拉长节奏，传达出“这个观点将颠覆世界认知，若不加以深思我们将陷入巨大困境”的崇高与重要性。 - **数据音调（Numbers voice）**：短促、明晰且加重，例如“你知道吗？43% 的人类……整整 43%！”让听众的大脑瞬间标记出关键统计指标。 - **叙事音调（Story tone）**：语调轻快且充满好奇感，宛如街头闲聊：“你绝对不敢相信我碰到了什么——上周我走在路上……”这种多重音调是给予听众的大礼，能清晰地在听众脑中建立起思维大纲。 ### [50:10](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=3010s) 环境空间学：座椅设计与安全距离的科学物理环境对人际互动有着决定性的潜移默化影响。Steven 提到，播客演播室此前曾采购过带有扶手的椅子，结果发现嘉宾会不自觉地靠在扶手上，导致手臂被困住、肢体表达大幅受限，连带让对话变得索然无味，于是制作组果断拆除了椅子扶手。Vanessa 认同物理环境对行为的塑造，但她补充指出，带扶手的椅子本身可以让人身姿更舒展，只是在当前这种围桌对坐的访谈场景中，必须让人主动将椅子拉近桌面；若椅子有扶手，靠近桌子时手肘就容易被迫架起，显得像一只滑稽的“鸭子”。同时，面对面（head on）对坐能建立最深层次的情感连接与亲密度，如果改为侧坐，交流氛围会完全变味。就桌子宽度与社交距离而言，Vanessa 指出理想的交谈距离是“双方伸手恰好能够握到对方的手”。在空间关系学（Proxemics）中，人与人之间的空间被科学划分为四个关键区域： | 空间区域 | 实际距离 | 典型特征与应用场景 | |:--- |:--- |:--- | | **公共区域（Public Zone）** | 约 5 至 8 英尺（约 1.5 - 2.4 米）及以上 | 演讲、公开露面或陌生人聚集的远距离场合 | | **社交区域（Social Zone）** | 约 3 至 5 英尺（约 0.9 - 1.5 米） | 职场社交、日常寒暄与一般商务往来 | | **个人区域（Personal Zone）** | 一臂之隔（约 0.5 - 0.9 米） | **最佳交流距离**；恰好能握手，交谈舒适深入且不具压迫感 | | **亲密区域（Intimate Zone）** | 极近距离（约 0.5 米以内） | 仅限伴侣、家庭成员或极亲密关系 | 这一空间原理完美解释了远程办公与日常通话中的心理不适感。许多人在打 Zoom 视频会议或 FaceTime 视频电话时，会将摄像头摆放得离面部过近，导致整张大脸填满屏幕。这种画面会直接诱骗大脑进入“亲密区域”，向同事在潜意识中发送亲密信号，令人本能地产生退缩与防备感。Vanessa 给出的黄金调整法则是：摄像头与鼻尖之间的距离必须保持在一臂长（从鼻尖到指尖，约 1.5 至 3 英尺），唯有退到这个安全距离，线上交流才能恢复自然与舒适。这也正是为什么许多性格内向的人极其抗拒接听 FaceTime，因为过近的取景框在生理上强行逼近了私密边界。 ### [53:35](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=3215s) 亲密距离的“意外陷阱”与《把妹达人》的启蒙在嘈杂的酒吧或夜店中，浪漫关系的建立往往始于一种环境造成的肢体语言闭环。由于背景音乐震耳欲聋，人们听不清对方在说什么，本能地侧头追问“你说什么？”，身体便不由自主地靠得更近。转瞬之间，两个人便意外跨入了彼此一英尺半（约45厘米）以内的“亲密距离圈”（Intimate Zone）。这一物理距离会立刻触发大脑的线索循环机制——大脑会暗示自己：“既然我和这个人站得这么近，我是不是应该对他/她产生亲密感？”这种潜意识的想法会促使身体进一步前倾、产生触碰的冲动。这正是酒吧和夜店极易催生情愫的底层秘密：环境迫使人“意外”闯入了亲密地带。 Steven 由此回忆起自己年轻时的一段趣事。他的哥哥 Jason 当年订购了尼尔·斯特劳斯（Neil Strauss）风靡一时的畅销书《把妹达人》（*The Game*）。本来是要寄去大学宿舍的，却阴差阳错填错了地址寄到了家里。Steven 翻开了这本书，笑称“这听起来很像我自己偷偷买搭讪秘籍的拙劣借口”，但这确实是他人生中第一次意识到肢体语言不仅极其关键，而且是可以后天习得的系统技能。如今重审过往，Steven 意识到当时真正该探寻的目标并非搭讪技巧，而是如何成为一个更有魅力（Charismatic）的人。 ```mermaid flowchart LR accTitle: 酒吧环境触发亲密关系的肢体线索循环 accDescr: 展示从嘈杂环境到跨入亲密空间，最终诱发亲近行为与心理暗示的完整循环链条。 subgraph S1["环境触发"] A["嘈杂环境听不清"] --> B["靠近询问倾听"] end subgraph S2["距离突破"] B --> C["踏入 1.5 英尺亲密圈"] end subgraph S3["心理与行为反馈"] C --> D["大脑诱发亲密暗示"] D --> E["进一步前倾与身体触碰"] end ``` --- ### [54:46](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=3286s) 魅力的底层公式：热情与能力的恒温器究竟什么是魅力？Vanessa 援引了著名心理学家苏珊·菲斯克博士（Dr. Susan Fiske）在 2002 年奠基性的经典研究。该研究已被重复验证多次，结论表明：**魅力由“高度的热情”（Warmth）与“高度的能力”（Competence）共同构成**，或者说关键在于向外界同时发出这两种高阶信号。在人际交往的第一印象中，这两个维度足足决定了 82% 的评判： - **热情（Warmth）**：传递信任、讨喜度与友善，向对方宣告“你可以信任我，你喜欢我”； - **能力（Competence）**：传递力量、可靠性与胜任力，向对方宣告“我是值得依赖且极其有能力的”。 Vanessa 直言不讳地现场分析 Steven 的特质：他无疑是极具魅力的，但在天平上明显“过度偏向能力”。当一个人能力信号极高而热情信号不足时，往往会给人留下冷漠、隐忍甚至难以接近的印象。Steven 坦承自己确实偶尔会给人“居高临下或令人生畏”的感觉，朋友们私下都有些不敢直言。Vanessa 指出，男女在出厂设定上存在统计差异——男性往往默认偏向高能力，女性则偏向高热情。但这种配比并非固定不可变，每个人都可以根据情境像调节恒温器一样灵活调节：如果你想推动团队协作、广交朋友，就需要调高热情旋钮；如果你经常被人打断、不被当回事或容易被遗忘，就需要调高能力旋钮。 --- ### [56:47](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=3407s) 危险区间与失衡的代价：过冷易疑，过热显蠢人际交往中最可怕的区域是“双低危险区”（Low Warmth & Low Competence）——既缺乏热情又缺乏能力表现。落入这个区间的人往往显得麻木而面瘫（Stoic），既赢不来信任，也无法与人顺畅共事。Vanessa 指出，这是许多极度聪明的专业人士最容易陷入的诅咒：他们固执地认为“我的绝妙点子自会说话”、“我的专业知识足够硬，根本不需要迎合这些社交肢体语言”。正如当年发明 Ring 智能门铃的创始人杰米·西米诺夫（Jamie Siminoff）初登《创智赢家》（Shark Tank）时的遭遇一样，由于未能在现场释放足够的热情与能力线索，仅仅依赖数字与概念，最终惨遭全员拒绝。更危险的偏差在于“有能力无热情”或“有热情无能力”： - **能力过高而热情不足**：会直接引发他人的**戒备与怀疑（Suspicious）**。心理学研究证实，无论你的点子有多棒、专业能力有多硬，如果缺乏足够的热情信号作为铺垫，听众和客户就会本能地起疑心。许多销售人员无法签单、方案遭遇百般刁难，本质上都是因为对方潜意识在报警：“我承认你很厉害，但我感受不到你的诚意与温度。” - **热情过高而能力不足**：过犹不及同样是灾难。如果一个人在对话中拼命点头、笑声不断、发出过多的附和声，就会瞬间沦为轻浮、笨拙或毫无专业度的形象，彻底毁掉来之不易的专业威信。 --- ### [58:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=3525s) 能力线索一：尖塔式手势（The Steeple）在探讨建立权威感的“五大能力能量线索”（Power Cues）时，Vanessa 首先揭示了最具统治力的手势——**尖塔手势（The Steeple）**。这种手势表现为双手指尖相对轻触、双手呈三角形或教堂尖塔状自然张开，它正是 Vanessa 畅销书《Cues》封面上所采用的标志性动作。这一手势之所以拥有巨大的能量，是因为它完美兼顾了两点：它既坦然露出了掌心，表明自己毫无隐瞒；同时手指相对静止，传递出一种极度从容、沉着且胸有成竹的掌控力。在相关行为学实验中，尖塔手势在所有被测试的领导者手部姿态中稳居评分榜首。不过，Vanessa 严正提醒切勿犯下低级错误：**绝对不要指尖来回轻敲（Drumming fingers）**，那种动作是动画片《辛普森一家》里反派伯恩斯老板（Mr. Burns）的经典动作，会立刻变成令人不适的“邪恶反派手势”。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 《Cues》封面照片的冷暖线索平衡解析 accDescr: 解析书籍封面照片中如何将尖塔手势、躯干朝向、眼神与微表情完美融合达到高魅力。 subgraph HighCompetence["能力维度 (Competence)"] A["尖塔式手势 (Steeple)"] B["沉稳专注的眼神 (Smoldering gaze)"] end subgraph HighWarmth["热情维度 (Warmth)"] C["身体正对受众 (Fronting)"] D["脚尖直指对方"] E["嘴角微扬向上 (Up-face)"] end HighCompetence --> Final["终极魅力：有力量却不逼人，具威严且显包容"] HighWarmth --> Final ``` 剖析自己的图书封面照时，Vanessa 解释了摄影师麦吉·柯克兰（Maggie Kirkland）当时的绝妙捕捉。Vanessa 天生习惯面带微笑，拍了一整天全是热情满溢的照片，摄影师最后特意要求：“Vanessa，咱们能不能拍一张严肃的？就一张，拿出你最强大的能力线索！”最终促成了那张经典的封面。该造型不仅展示了尖塔手势与深邃沉稳的眼神（高能力），身体躯干和脚尖更是完全正对镜头（Fronting，高热情），嘴角维持微扬上扬状态，彻底避免了傲慢逼人，达成了“高力量与高包容”的黄金平衡。 - **尖塔手势的核心意义**：指尖相触呈放松的三角形，露出掌心表达坦荡，双手静止展示自制力。 - **致命禁忌**：切忌快速来回敲击指尖，否则会沦为阴险狡黠的反派动作。 --- ### [01:00:52](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=3652s) 能力线索二：耳垂与肩膀的黄金距离 Vanessa 提出的第二项能力线索堪称全身“最关键的物理测量指标”：**耳垂与肩膀之间的垂直距离**。这个间距直接向外界投射出一个人的焦虑程度与自信水平。如果一个人在谈话中耸肩、缩头，耳垂与肩膀的距离极短，整个人就会不可避免地显得神经质、焦虑且脆弱。此时发声不仅会丧失共鸣腔与权威感，更致命的是，人类在初次见面的短短数秒内具有极强的“情绪传染捕获机制”——没有人愿意接触散发焦虑气场的人，大家会本能地避之不及。相反，将肩膀完全下沉、向后打开，拉大耳垂与双肩的间距，整个人的轮廓会瞬间舒展，释放出无可挑剔的自信与沉着。物理姿态的调整还会形成逆向的生理反馈：当一个人做出尖塔手势，同时将肩膀自然下沉向后延展时，不仅在旁人眼里显得专业干练，其体内也会切实涌现出平稳自信的力量感。Vanessa 赞许录音室当前的桌椅高度设置极其科学，能自然引导受访者双肩下落，将耳肩距离延展至最佳状态，从而赋予人一种从容不迫的强大气场。 ### [01:02:10](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=3730s) 姿态控制与句尾眼神接触：高能力者的权威信号凡妮莎·范·爱德华兹（Vanessa Van Edwards）继续拆解展现力量感与能力的非语言信号。首先，她纠正了常见的下巴姿势：下巴应保持水平，绝对不要用鼻孔“俯视”别人，因为从上往下看会传递出极其轻蔑和评判（judgmental）的傲慢情绪。接着，她分享了第三个关键信号：句尾眼神接触（End-of-Sentence Eye Contact）。大众通常认为眼神交流越多越好，甚至许多肢体语言顾问建议“保持 100% 的眼神接触”。凡妮莎直言这是“最糟糕的建议”。在西方文化研究中，理想的眼神接触比例其实是 **60% 到 70%**。一旦超过 70%，在演化心理学上就会被视作具有领地侵略性（territorial gesture），让人感到被严重冒犯和尴尬。人类在思考、组织语言或调取大脑深层记忆时，目光自然游移是非常真实且讨人喜欢的。真正的“权威动作”（Power Move）在于：当你深思熟虑后说出观点的**最后一个词**时，将目光精准锁死在对方的眼睛上。这种在句尾直视对方的定格动作，能瞬间强化论点的分量与确定性，高度胜任（highly competent）的人正是通过这种节奏来牢牢锁定关键信息。 - **西方文化中的理想眼神接触比例**：全场对话的 60% 至 70%。 - **超负荷凝视的负面效果**：超过 70% 容易被潜意识判定为侵犯与挑衅；持续 100% 直视会引发强烈不适。 - **高阶眼神控制法则**：思考组织语言时允许目光发散，但在句末定论与对方表达关键信息时，施加坚定的眼神聚焦。 --- ### [01:03:57](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=3837s) 下眼睑紧绷（Lower Lid Flex）：专注、吸引力与警惕信号凡妮莎介绍的第四个力量信号是极少被人提及的“下眼睑紧绷”（Lower Lid Flex）。从生理学角度看，当人类努力想看清远处的物体（如看清书架上的书名）时，下眼睑会自动收缩并微微眯起，以阻挡多余光线并增加景深清晰度。在社交互动中，下眼睑微微收紧表示“我正在聚精会神地关注你、努力理解你”。这一信号具有多重社交心理效应： 1. **性吸引力与魅力**：《人物》（People）杂志历年评选的“全球最性感男士”封面照，几乎所有男性都在做下眼睑紧绷；电影《超级名模》（Zoolander）中经典的“蓝钢”（Blue Steel）眼神，本质上就是极致的下眼睑收紧。女性之所以觉得这种神态极具吸引力，是因为它传递出“他此时此刻眼里只有我、正全神贯注地看着我”的强烈专注感。 2. **侦测困惑与怀疑的预警雷达**：下眼睑紧绷本身是“聚焦”的中性生理反应。如果在演讲、汇报或销售提案中，听众突然对你收紧下眼睑，这往往意味着对方产生了困惑或怀疑（“真的假的？”）。凡妮莎分享了自己的亲身经历：有一次她向一群企业高管汇报，讲到催产素（Oxytocin）是促进信任与亲密连接的“拥抱荷尔蒙”时，台下一位高管突然收紧下眼睑。凡妮莎捕捉到了这个微妙的微表情，立刻停下并主动询问：“您有什么疑问吗？”该高管随即提出：“我记得我太太分娩催产时医生也注射了催产素，它们是同一种东西吗？”凡妮莎当场向全场澄清：医学上的确会大剂量注射人工合成催产素（Pitocin）诱发宫缩，这恰恰证明了催产素的强大力量；在日常社交中，微量催产素则用于构筑人际纽带。通过敏锐捕捉这一信号，她成功化解了潜在的误解与信誉危机，避免了演讲冷场与信任崩塌。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 识别下眼睑紧绷的应对路径 accDescr: 当检测到对方下眼睑收紧时的分析与行动逻辑流程图 A["捕获面部信号：下眼睑紧绷 (Lower Lid Flex)"] --> B{"所处互动情境"} subgraph 情感与倾听情境 B -->|"约会 / 倾听关键谈话"| C["展现极高专注度与吸引力"] C --> D["适度使用，向对方传递倾听决心"] end subgraph 商务与演讲情境 B -->|"汇报 / 销售 / 团队会议"| E["检测到潜在困惑或怀疑"] E --> F["立即暂停单向输出"] F --> G["主动探寻反馈：'对此有任何疑问吗？'"] G --> H["当场消除疑虑，建立专业掌控力"] end ``` --- ### [01:07:54](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=4074s) 语音语调控制：下沉语调 vs 意外的疑问音调第五个关键信号转入听觉维度的声音信号（Vocal Cues）。凡妮莎指出，声音语调会直接暴露你对自我价值的认同与对听众的态度。其中最具毁灭性的沟通失误，是陈述句中的“意外升调”（Accidental Question Inflection / Upspeak）——即在说陈述句时，句尾语调无意识地上扬，听起来像是在提问。脑科学研究表明，人类大脑一旦听到陈述内容被升调收尾，注意力会立刻从“被动倾听”切换为“严密审视”（scrutinizing），潜意识会本能反问：“你为什么要反问我？你是在求证吗？” - **谎言与不安全感的泄露**：实验室的大规模测试（如“两真一假”猜谎游戏）表明，说谎者最显著的特征之一就是会下意识地把谎言用疑问语调说出来（潜台词是：“你相信这个谎话吗？”）。凡妮莎现场举例：当她顺畅地说出“我爱狗、我住在奥斯汀”，却用升调说出“我爱香菜？”时，听众立刻就能识破香菜是假话，因为她内心极度厌恶香菜。 - **销售与谈判中的致命陷阱**：许多销售人员和职场人在完成精彩提案后，在报出底价或期望薪资时，句尾语调突然上扬：“这项服务的费用是 5,000 美元？”这种疑问语调等同于在乞求对方砍价，向对方宣告“连我都不相信自己值这个价”。 - **下沉语调（Downward Inflection）的力量**：真正具备强大气场的高能力者，绝不滥用升调，而是在句末将语调坚定地向下压。凡妮莎以奥巴马（Barack Obama）的演讲为例：他讲话时口腔后部空间开阔、共鸣充分，且关键句尾均稳健下沉，赋予语句无可置疑的分量。凡妮莎强调，无论是在设定人际界限、商务报价还是表达核心原则时，务必“坚定陈述，绝不发问”（Say it, don't ask it）。 ### [01:11:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=4260s) 问句语调的陷阱与外科医生的诉讼研究 Vanessa 详细指出了一个极其常见却会彻底摧毁个人声音魅力的习惯：用疑问句的升调来报出自己的名字。她现场演示了两种截然不同的发音方式：第一种尾音上扬，听起来像是在试探或提问（"My name is Vanessa Van Edwards?"）；第二种尾音下沉、坚定有力（"My name is Vanessa Van Edwards."）。听众在听到这两种自我介绍时，对发言者自信程度的感知会产生天壤之别。为了证明这一点，Vanessa 引用了一项针对外科医生的经典语音实验： - 研究人员让一批外科医生进入实验室，录制一段仅 10 秒钟的声音片段。这段内容正是医生在初次见病人时最核心的三句话：姓名、专业领域以及执业医院（例如："Hi, my name is Dr. Edwards. I specialize in oncology, and I work at Children's Presbyterian Hospital."）。 - 随后，研究人员将音频进行了音变滤镜处理（warbled the words），刻意抹去具体字词的发音细节，只保留音量、语速、节奏和语调起伏。 - 研究人员让受试者仅凭这些模糊的声音特征，对医生的“亲和力”（Warmth）与“专业能力”（Competence）进行打分。 - 惊人的统计结果显示：那些在亲和力与能力两项得分最低的医生，遭遇医疗过失诉讼（malpractice lawsuits）的概率最高。这项研究揭示了一个残酷的真相：人们往往并不是根据医生的实际医术来决定是否起诉，而是根据几秒钟内对其能力与态度的“主观认知”来做判断。如果医生在介绍自己的名字、专业或单位时使用向上挑起的疑问语调，听者的潜意识就会产生怀疑：“为什么他们自己在发问？他们自己都不确定吗？那我也不确定他们是否靠谱。”这种语调直接投射出对自我身份与能力的动摇。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 语调对能力感知与医疗诉讼的影响链路 accDescr: 展示医生自我介绍语调如何影响听众感知，并最终导致医疗过失诉讼的因果路径 subgraph Tone["声音语调表现 (10秒片段)"] A["升调 / 疑问语调 (Upward Inflection)"] B["降调 / 坚定陈述 (Downward Inflection)"] end subgraph Perception["听众与患者认知评估"] C["判定为低亲和力、低专业能力 产生不信任感与怀疑"] D["判定为高亲和力、高专业能力 展现确定性与自信"] end subgraph Outcome["行为后果"] E["高医疗过失诉讼率 (Malpractice Lawsuits)"] F["医患信任度高、诉讼风险显著降低"] end A --> C --> E B --> D --> F ``` 随后，Steven 进行了现场练习。他第一次说自己的名字时，尾音不由自主地上扬，立刻被 Vanessa 敏锐指出：“那是往上的，在寻求确认。”Steven 恍然大悟地笑着承认，自己当时脑子里确实在想“我读得对不对”，不自觉地把陈述句变成了问句。紧接着他用坚定的降调完成了第二次尝试，效果立刻变得截然不同。Vanessa 补充道，Steven 平时之所以能展现出极高的专业能力感，正是因为他在非提问的陈述句中大量使用了降调。 --- ### [01:13:29](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=4409s) 信号放大偏差与化解尴尬的“三大神奇句式” Steven 顺着这个话题分享了内心的真实活动：在对谈过程中，他打心底里觉得 Vanessa 非常专业、是一个绝佳的播客嘉宾；但他此前一直默认“她肯定知道我很认可她，从我脸上的表情就能看出来”。直到读了 Vanessa 的著作，他才意识到这完全是人类普遍存在的错觉——我们严重高估了他人读懂自己心声的能力。 Vanessa 证实了这一点，在心理学上该现象被称为**信号放大偏差**（Signal Amplification Bias）： - 我们总是以为自己发射出的信号足够明显，只要心里喜欢某人或谈话进展愉快，对方就理所当然能感知到。 - 事实却完全相反：如果你不说出来，对方根本无从得知。Vanessa 直言，在 Steven 亲口说出那句话之前，她完全无法确定 Steven 是否真的认可这场访谈或喜欢她的研究。为了打破这种心理隔阂，Vanessa 提出了三句能够建立深度连接、消除信号放大偏差的“神奇句式”： - **“我刚才刚好想到了你……”（"I was just thinking of you..."）**：前提必须是真实的。这句话能让对方明确感知到，他们在你的脑海中占据着一席之地。 - **“你总是这么……”（"You're always so..."）**：当对方做出让你赞赏或有趣的事情时，给他们贴上一个积极正面的标签，例如“你总是能把我逗乐”、“你的访谈总是这么精彩”。赋予他人真诚的正面标签，是对抗信号放大偏差的最佳礼物。 - **“上次我们聊天时，你提到了……”（"Last time we talked, you mentioned..."）**：唤起对方上次交流中聊到并为之眼前一亮（lit up）的具体细节。能够为他人分配宝贵的大脑记忆空间，并主动跟进对方热爱的事物，是一种极高的礼遇。 --- ### [01:15:23](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=4523s) 提升亲和力的两大肢体线索：三重微点头与歪头倾听对话转向了播客主持人的实际应用。Steven 坦言，很多嘉宾来到录影棚时会感到紧张，而他自知不是那种天生极具外向热情（High Warmth）的人，如果刻意装出热烈欢迎的样子反而会显得虚伪违和。对此，Vanessa 表示，前面分享的“高权威/力量线索”适合那些过于亲切、容易被忽视的人；而对于常被评价为“气场太强令人畏惧”（intimidating）、“冷漠难以接近”，或者发现别人对自己有所保留的人，则需要通过**亲和力线索**（Warmth Cues）来调高自己的“温度”。她首先分享了前两个极其实用的亲和力肢体技巧： - **慢速三重点头（Slow Triple Nod）**： - 研究表明，当你缓慢地连续点三次头时，对方的说话时长会**增加 67%**。这在非语言层面上相当于一个动态的“省略号（……）”，向对方传达“请继续说，我很想听”的鼓励。 - 需要严格注意两点误区：一是切忌像“摇头娃娃”（bobblehead）一样疯狂连续点头，那会显得亲和力过剩且缺乏主见；二是点头速度不能太快，飞快的三重点头传递出的其实是不耐烦与催促，无声的潜台词变成了“赶紧说重点/闭嘴吧”。这种快速点头可以用在需要礼貌催促对方收尾发言的场景中。 - **倾头/歪头（Head Tilt）**： - 从跨文化和生物学的角度来看，当人类或动物（如狗）试图专注倾听某个声音时，都会本能地歪起脑袋、露出耳朵，潜意识表达“我正在全神贯注地听”。 - 研究发现，如果在传达坏消息时微微歪头，说话者的亲和力和讨人喜欢程度会显著提升，听众对坏消息的接受度也会更高。 - 对于那些习惯性像摇头娃娃一样频繁点头的人，歪头是极佳的纠正工具，因为在生理力学上，歪着头的同时是很难上下疯狂点头的。 - Steven 补充感受道，歪头确实带有一种强烈的同理心与关怀感。如果一个老板在解雇员工时直挺挺地坐着，会显得冷酷残忍；但如果他微微歪头，那种“我真的在乎你、对此感到难过”的共情气场便油然而生。在段落结尾处，两人聊起了经典畅销书《把妹达人》（*The Game*），Vanessa 顺势提及了在神经语言规划（NLP）和搭讪圈子中常见的一种操纵性肢体语言：通过某种隐蔽的手势节奏来诱导对方不自主地点头，从而在心理上诱发“我认同你”的潜意识服从。她提醒大家必须看穿这种心理技巧，防止被人暗中操控。 ### [01:19:33](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=4773s) 操控性的“手部点头”手势与高亲和力线索主持人与 Vanessa 深入探讨了一种隐秘却极其危险的肢体操控技巧。Vanessa 演示了用手掌在胸前做轻微的前后滚动、上下点头般的动作，仿佛在引导节奏并伴随提问：“你难道不明白我的意思吗？你懂了吧？”极具操控性的人往往在讲话时配合这种手势，促使听众甚至整片现场观众无意识地跟着点头。当人们开始跟着点头时，潜意识便会自我合理化——“既然我在点头，那我肯定同意他的观点”。主持人忍不住惊呼，这手势看起来就像是手在往前卷动，神奇到仿佛有根无形的线在牵扯着自己的脑袋，让人根本无法克制不点头。Vanessa 严肃告诫：千万别让别人对自己使出这招，自己也绝对不要去用；她甚至在自己的书里特意隐去这一手势不教，正是因为它的心理操控力过于强大。在回顾增加亲和力（Warmth）的肢体线索时，两人梳理了前几项关键动作，并展开了风趣的互动： 1. **三连点头（Triple Nod）**：表达深度倾听与鼓励； 2. **头部微侧（Head Tilt）**：展现同理心与专注； 3. **真实微笑（Authentic Smile）**：那种能够蔓延并挤压出眼角纹路的杜氏微笑。高亲和力的人通常更频繁地展现真实笑容。Vanessa 特别强调自己极其反感虚伪假笑，只有在真情流露时才该笑。此时主持人尝试挤出一个“真诚微笑”，却引来 Vanessa 的当场笑场，主持人委屈地打趣道：“看吧，这就是为什么我平时不笑，这也是为什么大家都觉得我吓人，因为每次我一笑大家就嘲笑我！” 4. **身体前倾（The Lean）**：在人际空间距离（Proxemics）的四个区域中，前倾代表一个人正在非常微妙地跨入对方的空间。富有魅力的人在交流时往往会前倾靠近对方并说：“快跟我多讲讲，把细节都告诉我！”这种贴近会让对方心理上也产生亲近感。无论作为演讲者在强调重点时前倾（“听好了，这段非常精彩”），还是作为倾听者在对方讲到精彩处时前倾（“什么？真的吗？”），前倾都能瞬间将谈话的亲和力与感染力拉满。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 高亲和力肢体沟通模型 accDescr: 展示四种传递高亲和力的核心肢体语言线索及其具体表现形式 subgraph WarmthCues["高亲和力核心线索"] C1["三连点头 (鼓励继续倾听)"] C2["头部微倾 (展现同理与关注)"] C3["真实微笑 (眼神联动而非机械假笑)"] C4["身体前倾 (微探空间拉近心理距离)"] end C4 --> ModeA["讲话者模式: 划出要点与热情"] C4 --> ModeB["倾听者模式: 表现好奇与深度卷入"] ``` --- ### [01:21:44](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=4904s) 肢体防御反应与“皮格马利翁效应”的恶性循环话题转入主持人的一个切身体验与困惑：他生命中存在极个别相识多年的老熟人，哪怕身处一个原本能让他无比放松舒适的聚会，只要那个人一踏进房间，主持人的状态就会瞬间走样。他会不受控制地过度审视自己的肢体语言，思索双腿该怎么放、身体该怎么摆，甚至下意识地做出抱臂掩护、身体阻挡（Blocking）的防御动作。主持人困惑地发问：这种莫名的生理警报到底代表什么？是身体在提示自己彻底断绝与这个人的关系，还是彼此之间存在悬而未决的心结？ Vanessa 给出专业剖析，建议不要草率绝交，而是进行深入的“背景调研”： - **潜意识是最高效的线索解码器**：人类的直觉和身体感受极其灵敏，潜意识常常先于意识捕获到微妙的危险信号（例如无形中嗅到对方散发的肾上腺素味道）。这种本能反应值得重视，需要去观察对方是否真诚为你高兴、是否真的支持你，还是暗中藏着嫉妒与敌意。 - **皮格马利翁效应（Pygmalion Effect）与互动闭环**：反过来，这种紧张也可能是自己一手造成的循环。心理学研究证实，当你预期自己会讨厌某个人时，你的潜意识就会向外释放不友善、排斥的冷漠线索；对方敏锐接收到被排斥的信号后，自然也会收起善意并讨厌你。双方由此深陷“预期产生现实”的恶性反馈回路中。如果这是一段不想放弃的重要关系，就必须主动打破死结，通过精准的高质量提问将关系由表层的“第一层级（Level 1）”拉升至更具深度与同理心的“第二层级（Level 2）”。 --- ### [01:24:06](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5046s) 戒除“你是做什么的”：通往深度联结的高情商提问法为了打破人际冰封并建立真诚共鸣，Vanessa 提出了正在研发的三层级沟通框架（每个层级包含四个深度提问）。她强烈抨击了当代社交中最泛滥、最无聊的三大废话：“你是做什么的？（What do you do?）”、“你好吗？（How are you?）”、“最近怎么样？（How's it going?）”，指出这些问题正是让人对社交产生厌恶与疲惫的罪魁祸首。为此，她向所有听众发起一项“30天戒除‘你是做什么的’挑战（What Do You Do Diet）”。 - **为什么必须戒掉“你是做什么的”**： - 这句话直接触发大脑的“自动驾驶模式”，让对话沦为背诵简历式的机械问答。 - 潜意识里，这道问题等同于在刺探“你这个人价值几何”。对于那些不愿将自我认同绑定在职业上的人而言，这甚至带有冒犯与评判意味。 - 主持人对此感同身受并分享了前一天在纽约活动上的尴尬教训：他在与一位优秀同行热聊中途，因自身感到自愧不如而略显窘迫，脱口问了句“那你是做什么的？”，对方愣住直接回了句“就是做眼下这个啊”。主持人坦言昨晚躺在床上反复懊恼，感觉自己那一问无意中贬低了对方眼前的工作，显得极不专业。 - **替代方案一：“你最近在忙什么有趣/令人兴奋的事吗？”（Working on anything exciting recently / these days?）** 这是一种“给予权限式”的联结提问（Permission Connection）。它不设框架，赋予对方完全的主动权：如果对方热爱自己的职业，他们会借机大谈工作；如果他们不想聊工作，则能自豪地分享业余爱好或新鲜见闻。这不仅点燃谈话热情，更为日后的再次交流埋下了绝佳的切入点（例如下次见面可以自然跟进：“上次你说在忙的那件趣事进展如何了？”）。 - **替代方案二：“你目前最大的目标是什么？”（What's your biggest goal right now?）** Vanessa 习惯在每年的 12 月、1 月与 2 月向身边所有人抛出这个问题（如询问对方“2025 年最大的宏图”）。这类提问如同精准的“三观试金石”，立刻会产生两种截然不同的反馈： 1. **冷漠抵触型**：直接回击“我不相信什么目标”。Vanessa 直言这种人绝非自己的同路人，因为成长型思维（Growth-minded）者很难与缺乏目标感的人深交。 2. **热情分享型**：眼中放光并滔滔不绝地阐述构想。不仅能让双方瞬间建立深度链接，还能在数周或数月后成为极好的跟进话资。主持人也当即赞同，认为这完全可以作为面试高潜人才的核心考察题，因为一个连自我目标都无法清晰阐述的人，大概率不属于积极进取的优秀伙伴。 ### [01:27:13](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5233s) 核心自我叙事问题：“哪部影视或文学作品的角色最像你？” 在探讨如何筛选志同道合者时，凡妮莎·范·爱德华兹提到了所谓的“过敏性问题”（Allergy Questions）——通过特定提问迅速探测出彼此是否存在“社交过敏反应”，迅速筛除那些三观不合的人。然而，若想跨越浅层寒暄、真正走入一个人的精神世界，就必须触及更底层的“自我叙事”（Self-narrative）。凡妮莎抛出了一个看似漫不经心、常用于晚宴派对破冰，实则极具心理穿透力的问题：“哪本书、哪部电影或电视剧里的角色最像你？为什么？” 一个人如何将自己与虚构角色的价值观、性格或遭遇联系起来，直接映射出他们内心深处对自我的真实认知。凡妮莎分享了一个令她震撼的切身经历：她有一位相识六年的挚友，两人每个周末都在一起，甚至结伴度假，彼此熟稔无比。这位朋友是三个孩子的母亲，聪明幽默又精明能干。在凡妮莎构思新书的研究阶段，她询问了对方这个问题，原本以为好友会挑一个风趣机敏的荧幕“精英辣妈”，不料对方仅思索了一秒钟便脱口而出：“《饥饿游戏》（*The Hunger Games*）里的凯特尼斯·伊娃丁（Katniss Everdeen）。” 凡妮莎当时震惊地追问：“那个整天在生死边缘搏命的角色？”对方答道：“是的，那就是我每天的真实感受。”这是六年来，她们第一次触及朋友内心深处被隐藏的脆弱——在光鲜精明的表象之下，她每天都深陷在恐惧、孤独与为生存搏斗的紧绷感中。凡妮莎感慨，这个问题的答案彻底颠覆并加深了她与身旁许多人的关系，因为它呈现的不是外人眼中的标签，而是当事人审视自己内心的真实投射。 --- ### [01:29:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5385s) 斯蒂芬的答案与《当幸福来敲门》：成功的“可疑感”与永无止境的追逐听到这个问题，斯蒂芬·巴特利特立刻在脑海中进行了自我代入。在排除了单纯因为外貌被调侃相像的因素后，斯蒂芬坦言，最契合他自我叙事的是威尔·史密斯在电影《当幸福来敲门》（*The Pursuit of Happyness*）中饰演的克里斯·加德纳（Chris Gardner）：从一无所有、身处绝境中拼死挣扎，最终打破宿命完成蜕变，完美契合了他心底“自身命运的英雄旅程”的叙事模型。凡妮莎随即追问了一个直击灵魂的问题：“那你觉得你找到幸福了吗？你现在走到这部电影的结尾了吗？”斯蒂芬陷入了明显的迟疑与纠结： * **害怕“到达终点”的心理防御**：斯蒂芬坦承，如果承认自己“成功了”或“走到了电影结尾”，在潜意识里就像剥夺了未来的可能性，让自己失去继续探索的意义。 * **令人起疑的幸运感（Suspicious Privilege）**：回顾过往，斯蒂芬曾在深夜的呼叫中心做电话销售，卖过酒店房间、汽车保险和人造草皮，而如今却能坐在这里与顶级学者对谈，坐拥千万听众。他直言这种生活好到“令人起疑”（feels suspicious），甚至有一种不敢置信的不真实感。 * **永远在奔跑的宿命**：凡妮莎指出，《当幸福来敲门》中的主角即便到了最后也几乎没有显露出安逸的快乐，而是一直处于奔跑追逐的状态。斯蒂芬承认，他总觉得自己仍在追赶着某种东西；在主持每一期访谈时，他本质上都是在公众面前毫无保留地剖析自己，试图寻找属于自己的困惑答案。两人探讨了人类是否注定要永远处于追逐状态。斯蒂芬热爱探险与追寻，凡妮莎也认同人类天生具备追逐的天性，但她同时表达了对另一种生命阶段的渴望——希望有朝一日能彻底停止职场上的消耗与内卷（stop the grind），不再追逐冷冰冰的数字或榜单排名，而是步入一个纯粹传道受业、分享智慧与公众教育的人生阶段。 --- ### [01:34:14](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5654s) 身体语言陷阱：过度前倾与“鞠躬屈从”心理机制在讨论身体语言线索时，斯蒂芬打断了节奏，特别提出要重新审视“身体前倾”（Leaning）这一动作。他提到自己18岁时阅读PUA（搭讪艺术）书籍与观看视频时接触过的一个经典概念：在酒吧或约会等社交场合中，如果一个人身体过度前倾，往往会瞬间释放出“低价值”和“过度投入”的负面信号。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 社交互动中身体倾斜角度的心理机制 accDescr: 展示适度前倾与过度前倾在社交互动中所引发的潜意识心理反馈对比 A["身体倾斜幅度 (Lean)"] --> B["适度微前倾 (Attuned Lean)"] A --> C["过度前倾 (Over-leaning)"] subgraph 平等与吸引力 B --> D["传递专注、倾听与同理心"] D --> E["确立平等地位 (Status of Equals)"] end subgraph 屈从与吸引力丧失 C --> F["大脑潜意识判定为'鞠躬' (Bowing)"] F --> G["传递讨好与下位臣服 (Subservient Behavior)"] G --> H["破坏吸引力与社交平衡"] end ``` 斯蒂芬回忆起年轻时与朋友阿什（Ash）、迪曼（Dman）在马贝拉（Marbella）度假的经历。当时酒吧里有一位极具魅力的年轻女士，周围的许多男性像“摇尾乞怜的拉布拉多犬”一样拼命将身体凑过去前倾攀谈，结果毫无悬念地遭到无视或拒绝。相反，另一位懂得身体语言的朋友在与该女士交谈时，即便周围环境极其吵闹，也始终保持胸部与颈部平稳后撤，绝不轻易前倾失态，反而掌握了互动的主动权。凡妮莎从演化与神经心理学角度证实了这种直觉判断的科学性： - **过度前倾在潜意识中等同于“鞠躬”（Bowing）**：一旦前倾幅度超出自然聆听的界限，大脑会瞬间将其解码为鞠躬臣服的低地位姿态。 - **顺从行为会扼杀吸引力**：人类在潜意识中排斥对方向自己展现顺从与讨好（Submissive Behavior），健康的吸引力和社交认同永远建立在“地位对等”（Equals）的基础之上。过度前倾会向对方释放出“我是下位者、我在仰视你”的神经信号，从而迅速打破心理平衡。 ### [01:35:44](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5744s) 倾斜身体的限度：把非语言线索当作“荧光笔” 谈到身体前倾（Lean in），Vanessa 强调过犹不及。如果倾斜得太夸张、太频繁，不仅会显得像是在向对方鞠躬屈服，还会让不想处于控制关系或不对等关系中的人感到极度不适。长此以往，一直前倾着聊天还会让人看起来像个“驼背”（hunchback），从而贬低自身的价值。身体前倾必须像读书时用的荧光笔或加粗字体一样——如果把整页书都涂上荧光笔，高亮就失去了任何意义。只有当对方说出关键内容时前倾一下表示“真的吗？”，随后再自然地靠回去，这种对比才具有力量。所有的非语言线索都应遵循这个原则：克制、适度、只用作重点强调。 ```mermaid flowchart LR accTitle: 身体前倾的正确使用节奏 accDescr: 展示倾斜身体时作为强调与复位的循环流程 subgraph Conversation ["对话节奏"] A["常态坐姿"] --> B["对方分享关键内容"] B --> C["适度身体前倾 （高亮重点）"] C --> D["退回正常坐姿 （释放张力）"] end ``` ### [01:36:35](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5795s) 非语言桥梁：缩短心理与物理距离的艺术 Vanessa 介绍了她在实验室研究中发现的核心概念——“非语言桥梁”（Non-verbal Bridge）。她的团队曾对 500 名参与快速社交（Speed Networking）的人进行实验，记录并编码了他们的对话过程。结果显示，那些在 5 分制评价中拿到满分 5 分（“聊得太棒了，一定要在 LinkedIn 上互关”）的优质对话，双方都大量使用了非语言桥梁。所谓的“非语言桥梁”，就是主动去缩短两人之间的物理与空间距离。这不仅包括倾斜身体，还包括手势互动、点头、脚步移动、递送饮品，以及在距离足够近时，轻触对方的手臂或肩膀。在日常约会中也可以观察到这种现象。Vanessa 提到她和丈夫在餐厅里经常玩一个游戏，通过观察情侣的互动来判断他们是刚交往还是老夫老妻。在高质量的约会中，双方总是在寻找任何可以触碰的机会。即便只是说“快听我说”时，手指关节轻轻碰一下对方的手臂，也是一种短暂侵入对方亲密距离后再退回的信号。极其擅长社交、温暖的人总是不断搭建微小的非语言桥梁——路过时拍拍肩膀打招呼、端茶送水。对于不适应身体接触的人，Vanessa 指出甚至可以“隔空触碰”（Touch without touching），用手掌悬空朝向对方的手臂做靠近动作，同样能传递拉近距离的亲切感。 - **破除社交脚本的招待方式**：在得克萨斯州奥斯汀的办公室里，Vanessa 会给来访者提供热巧克力甚至炸玉米饼（Tacos）。她认为用出人意料的食物服务对方，能打破死板的社交套路，迅速拉近关系。 ### [01:39:03](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5943s) 告别尴尬问候：提前 10 英尺释放明确信号关于见面打招呼时常出现的“拥抱还是握手”尴尬场面，Vanessa 指出问题的核心在于没有及早发出信号。为了避免灾难性的错位问候，必须从 10 英尺（约 3 米）外就用肢体语言清晰示意自己的意图： ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 见面问候的身体语言信号选择 accDescr: 根据期望的问候方式在10英尺外展示不同的肢体语言 Start["相距 10 英尺远"] --> Choice{"期望的问候方式"} Choice -->|"想要握手"| Handshake["身体侧转微倾（Blading） 单手提前前伸"] Choice -->|"想要拥抱"| Hug["双臂完全张开 正面迎上"] Choice -->|"想要碰拳"| FistBump["提前举拳示意"] Choice -->|"模棱两可（反面教材）"| Awkward["单手半举不前 导致尴尬侧抱或错位"] ``` - **握手信号（Blading）**：身体微微侧身向前，单手提前坚定伸出，对方大脑会立刻接收到“只能握手，不要拥抱或侧抱”的清晰信号。 - **拥抱信号**：如果是拥抱型人格，必须双臂大方张开迎上前去，这样也能防止对方陷入尴尬的“侧身半抱”（Side hug）。最糟糕的动作是单臂抬起半悬在空中，让人无所适从。 ### [01:40:20](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=6020s) 好莱坞试镜的拥抱惨剧与热情过载 Vanessa 分享了自己的一次惨痛教训。早期她在洛杉矶向一家大型电视网提案一部关于“笨拙星人康复”（Recovering awkward people）的节目。由于洛杉矶流行拥抱和贴面礼，她一进会议室就对高管热情宣布：“见到你太高兴了，我是个喜欢拥抱的人（I'm a hugger）！”结果对方冷冰冰地回了一句：“我不是。”当场让她尴尬得“内心死了一次”。最终提案惨败，节目也没有做成。这一教训让她深刻意识到，主动宣称“我是个喜欢拥抱的人”属于严重的热情过载（High warmth）而能力感不足（Low competence）。在社交感知中，一个开口就说自己热爱拥抱的人往往会被归类为：讨好型人格、过于急切、迫切渴望建立连接、甚至内心孤独且带有不安全感。自那之后，Vanessa 在正式商务场合一律率先伸出手握手；只有当粉丝或学员因为看过她的视频而感到亲切想拥抱时，她才会欣然接受。 ### [01:42:23](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=6143s) 正确的拥抱与握手标准围绕如何正确拥抱与握手，Steven 和 Vanessa 拆解了具体动作规范与禁忌： - **拒绝拍背**：拥抱时切忌拍打对方后背或头顶。拍背是一种居高临下的顺从性信号（Submissive cue），常被政客用来贬低或展示长辈姿态（“嘿，小伙子”）。 - **对称式躯干对贴**：走向对方时应保持身体对称，避免扭捏的侧身。身材较高者手臂向上抬，身材较矮者手臂从下方环绕，实现“躯干对躯干”（Torso to torso）的贴合，时长以 2 秒左右为佳。 - **握手的黄金法则**：握手通常持续 1 至 3 秒，上下晃动 1 到 3 次。实验表明，初次见面的陌生人握手通常持续足 3 秒，而熟人之间再次见面时，握手会更短促有力。 ### [01:43:53](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=6233s) 握手的掌控力与“拇指朝上”原则眼神接触的时间把握至关重要：如果已经认识对方，仅需一秒钟的快速对视扫视；如果是不认识的陌生人，大约维持三秒钟最为适宜。一旦凝视时间拉长到四秒，对方就会觉得被冒犯，甚至在心底用眼神狠狠问候你，整个人瞬间感到极不自在。关于握手，Vanessa 指出伸出手时务必保持“拇指朝上”（thumb up）。这代表一种平等、健康的互动姿态。在政界，不少强势人物喜欢在握手时耍花招，比如唐纳德·特朗普（Donald Trump）。他会握住对方的手后突然翻转，让对方手心朝上，并猛力向自己的方向拉扯，使对方瞬间失去身体重心。Vanessa 强调，手腕内侧有重要动脉，手心朝上是一种极其暴露、脆弱的生物学姿态。特朗普这种“翻转并拉扯”的握手方式，传递的根本不是真正的胜任力（competence）或力量，而是一种危险信号（danger cue）。它通过蓄意破坏对方平衡来建立不平等的支配地位。Vanessa 表示自己教授的所有肢体语言都不包含这种操纵性技巧，健康的关系应当建立在平等的握手之上——不要手背朝上试图压制，也不要手心完全朝上显得顺从。另外，关于“双手包裹式握手”（cupping，即另一只手包住对方手背）： - 这种握手方式能释放双倍的温暖与双倍的催产素，就像给手来了一个拥抱。 - 它在政治上被称为“政客握手”（politician's handshake）。 - 只有在真正、由衷地想要表达高度温情时才能使用，否则会显得极其虚伪做作。Steven 笑着打趣说，自己刚才本来也想用双手握手，但手里抱满了 Vanessa 的书，实在腾不出手来。 --- ### [01:45:49](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=6349s) 男性之间的点头暗号：上扬还是下倾？关于男性之间的特殊肢体信号，Vanessa 抛出了一个流传甚广的观察并询问 Steven 是否属实： 1. **向上扬头（Nod Up）**：当走在走廊上遇到熟人或朋友时，通常会抬起下巴向上扬头打招呼（“Hey”）。 2. **向下轻点（Nod Down）**：如果遇到不认识的陌生人，通常会低一下下巴向下点头（“Morning”）。这背后的演化心理学解释在于：面对熟悉、信任的人，你愿意短暂露出喉咙和颈部这一致命脆弱部位；而面对陌生人，你需要收紧下巴保护要害，但依然要向对方传递致意。Steven 听后深有共鸣，并补充了一个文化与群体层面的直观感受：在街头或任何场合，即使完全不认识对方，如果两个黑人男性视线相对，往往也会自然地做“向上扬头”的动作。这是一种强烈的“内群体认同”（in-group cue），无声地表达“我看到你了，我和你是一起的，我信任你”。Vanessa 则感叹，这种点头模式在女性之间几乎完全不存在。 --- ### [01:47:05](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=6425s) 演讲者的舞台走位与空间心理学作为企业 CEO 兼公众演讲者，Steven 请教 Vanessa：商业领袖或演讲者在舞台上应该如何利用肢体动作来传递最佳信号？Vanessa 强调的核心法则是**有目的的移动（Purposeful Movement）**。在舞台上，演讲者最常犯的两大极端错误是：要么漫无目的地来回踱步（Pacing back and forth），要么像木桩一样钉死在原地动弹不得，显得僵硬拘谨。聪明的演讲者需要像戏剧演员一样为自己的演讲进行“舞台调度”（blocking）： ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 演讲舞台走位设计 accDescr: 展示演讲者从登台到核心内容输出的舞台空间分配逻辑 subgraph Entry ["登台第一印象"] A["被主持人介绍登台"] --> B["坚定走向舞台正中央 （拒绝漫无目的游移）"] B --> C["在中央定点交付开场白与核心故事"] end subgraph SpaceLogic ["内容与情绪分区（高级技巧）"] D["舞台左侧（演讲者视角） 分享科学、数据、硬核研究"] E["舞台右侧（演讲者视角） 分享个人故事、趣事、情感共鸣"] end C --> SpaceLogic ``` - **登台瞬间决定成败**：演讲最初的几秒钟最为关键。主持人报幕后，演讲者必须坚定、有目标地径直走向预设点（通常是舞台正中央），在中心点稳稳扎下，讲出第一句开场白。这种笃定的步伐能瞬间树立自信、有掌控力的专业形象。 - **左理智、右感性（高级演讲技巧）**：在展开 60 分钟的主题演讲时，Vanessa 会把舞台空间作为帮助听众分类信息的认知工具。当站在舞台左侧时，她讲解科学、硬数据和学术研究，这会让台下那些“胜任力导向”的高冷理智型听众精神一振；而当她走到舞台右侧时，她会切换至个人糗事、动图、幽默轶事，这让“温情导向”的听众立刻获得共鸣。这种舞台习惯会潜移默化地训练听众的注意力。 - **时间轴走位（针对 TED 式叙事演讲）**：由于西方文化习惯从左向右阅读，在讲述个人成长历程等时间跨度故事时，可以从观众视角的左侧开始讲述童年挫折，随着心路历程推进慢慢走向舞台中央，最后在观众视角的右侧迎来个人顿悟和事业蜕变的高潮。 --- ### [01:49:38](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=6578s) 屏幕沟通的核心：痛点、目标情绪与机制 Steven 提出，现代人大部分沟通都发生在屏幕上（如电子邮件、WhatsApp、社交动态等），应该如何构思语言和文本结构来影响受众？Vanessa 给出的沟通公式是：**先定义你希望对方看到你的名字时产生何种情绪**。无论是在 LinkedIn、邮件收件箱还是舞台上，卓越沟通的逻辑是一致的三步法： 1. **唤醒痛点，达成共情（Pain Points）**：精准说出对方未被言说的委屈与困境。例如 Vanessa 常常开篇直击：“你是否曾感到被忽视、被误解、被低估？你是否常常感到社交尴尬、手足无措、焦虑不堪？我完全懂你，你并不孤单，因为我也曾经历过。”这让受众立刻感到自己“被看见、被理解”。 2. **交付目标情绪与解法（Goal Emotion & Solution）**：从痛苦过渡到充满希望的终点——自信、从容、具有存在感与记忆度。 3. **提供实现机制（Mechanism）**：给予具体的行动蓝图、操作公式和硬核技能，让解法落到实处。 --- ### [01:51:09](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=6669s) “打翻奶昔”实验与瑕疵效应（Pratfall Effect） Steven 提到 Vanessa 十年前在一段视频里聊到的电视购物案例：一位女士在推销破壁机时，不小心把奶昔洒到了桌子上，结果销售额反而暴增。Vanessa 证实了这一发现，该实验由著名心理学家理查德·怀斯曼博士（Dr. Richard Wiseman）主持，专门研究“人是否必须表现得完美无缺”。 - **怀斯曼的破壁机实验**：在商场推销破壁机时，实验设置了两个对照组。第一组是“完美展示”：模特毫无差错地把草莓和香蕉放进机器，按下按钮，倒出完美的冰沙；第二组则保持完全相同的演讲词和步骤，唯一的变数是模特在倒冰沙时不小心把它洒在了桌面上。最终统计显示，**打翻奶昔那一组卖出了更多的破壁机**。 - **不完美的力量**：长久以来许多人都深陷完美主义的泥潭，但真实世界中并不存在完美。适度展现人类真实的脆弱与不完美，反而能拉近与受众的距离，极大地增加亲和力与可信度。 - **警惕刻意伪造缺陷**：Vanessa 澄清，这并不意味着人们应该故意把咖啡泼在身上或故意出丑（她自嘲录制前牙齿里甚至卡了一片羽衣甘蓝叶，还真闪过要不要留着它出镜的念头，但最终还是清理了）。同类实验在求职面试中以打翻咖啡的音频做测试，同样验证了这一心理机制：拥抱真实的脆弱，而非刻意做作地伪装完美。 ### [01:52:34](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=6754s) 摔落另一只鞋效应：适度暴露缺点的力量在面试和人际互动实验中，研究人员曾让招聘官评估求职者的表现。在其中一段测试录音里，求职者不小心打翻了咖啡，一边连连道歉“哎呀，抱歉抱歉，我把咖啡弄洒了，赶紧清理一下”，一边随后若无其事地回到面试节奏中。令人惊讶的是，即便打翻了咖啡，招聘官对这名求职者的评价反而高于那些表现得毫无瑕疵的候选人。这在心理学和行为研究中被称为“另一只鞋效应”（The Other Shoe Effect，源于等待另一只鞋子落地的谚语）。人类天生知道没有谁是完美无缺的，因此当面对一个看似无懈可击的人时，大脑会本能地保持警惕与怀疑，不断在心里琢磨：“这个人到底有什么毛病？他的缺陷究竟隐藏在哪里？” 这种隐秘的戒备会分散面试官的注意力。研究发现，互动时间拖得越久而对方没有暴露任何缺点（即“另一只鞋始终没有掉下来”），面试官就越会疑神疑鬼，甚至故意抛出更多刁钻的问题试图揪出你的瑕疵。因此，无论是在求职面试还是初次约会中，主动“摔落自己的另一只鞋”反而是极高明的策略。及早坦承某种脆弱或不完美，不仅能让对方更快了解真实的你，还能彻底打消对方担心被蒙蔽的戒心。 Vanessa 分享了自己撰写畅销书《Captivate》（中文版常译为《掌控交际》）的真实经历。在最初交稿时，她写的前言枯燥乏味至极。她的编辑兼出版人 Nikki 看完后直言不讳地指出：“Vanessa，这段前言听起来根本不像你，倒像是在硬装成你不是的人。”当时 Vanessa 试图让自己显得像一位严肃的学院派学术研究员，但正如编辑所指出的，她本质上是一个行为研究者、大众科普作者，以及一个“正在康复中的社交笨拙者”（Recovering Awkward Person）。编辑建议她直接以此开篇，于是《Captivate》的第一句话便定为：“嗨，我是 Vanessa，一个正在康复中的社交笨拙者。” 正是这一句主动“摔落鞋子”的自白，让该书迅速登上了畅销榜。Vanessa 坦言：“没错，我讲授魅力学，我讲授肢体语言，但我自己仍处于康复期。我依然会时常担心别人讨厌我，除了极少数挚友，人际交往依然会让我感到紧张。”正视并展示真实的不完美，反而能建立起深厚的情感共鸣。 ### [01:54:40](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=6880s) 个人品牌的两极：思想推广与缺陷推广的光谱随着社交媒体与 LinkedIn 的普及，每个人都在某种程度上参与“个人品牌”（Personal Branding）的竞争，这直接关乎工作机会、演讲邀约与商业合作。主持人 Steven 指出，在展示完美与展示缺陷之间存在着一个微妙的光谱： - 一端是**思想推广（Ideas Promotion）**：博主全盘展现“看我多聪明、多有洞察力，这些全是我卓越的思考”。 - 另一端则是**缺陷推广（Deficiency Promotion）**：博主通过展示“看我受了多少创伤、我有多破碎、我病得多重”来建立整个品牌 IP。 ```mermaid flowchart LR accTitle: 个人品牌光谱示意图 accDescr: 展示从过度缺陷推广到平衡的英雄蜕变再到过度思想推广的定位光谱 subgraph Spectrum["个人品牌定位光谱"] A["缺陷推广 (Deficiency Promotion) '看我多破碎、多病态'"] B["真实与英雄蜕变 (True Hero Arc) 坦承困境并展现走出的过程"] C["思想推广 (Ideas Promotion) '看我多聪明、思想多完美'"] end A <-->|自我强化与受众期望| B B <-->|平衡专业度与真实感| C ``` 对于走入“缺陷推广”极端的现象，Vanessa 指出个人品牌具有强大的自我强化效应（Self-reinforcing）。许多创作者起初只是分享日常糟糕的瞬间，但当发现发泄痛苦、展示破碎能换来成千上万的点赞与“我们就爱你这么破碎”的拥趸时，便会被困在“持续破碎、一团乱麻”的受害者人设里，甚至粉丝都不希望看到他们好起来。 Vanessa 与 Steven 强调，真实（Truth）才是底线： - 可以展露身处低谷与支离破碎的状态，但更健康的做法是向观众展现“如何从烂泥中走出来成为自己的英雄”，从而激励他人。 - 社交媒体的发展经历了从早期人人发布“海滩玛格丽塔酒”的虚假完美，逐渐转向人们乐于在沙滩照中大方展现“妊娠纹与肥胖纹”的真实坦诚。 - 关键在于找到适合自己真实状态的位置，既不能为了博眼球故意把果汁倒在身上假装笨拙，也不该长年陷在怨天尤人的负能量漩涡中。 ### [01:57:16](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=7036s) 视觉线索与恋爱生活中的神经回路激发 Vanessa 在其著作《Cues》的末尾深入剖析了“视觉线索”（Visual Cues）的神经科学机制。她指出，我们在个人品牌、社交照片中所穿的颜色、背景陈设、手中拿的道具，都会在观看者的大脑中自动触发特定的**神经网络（Neural Networks）**与自由联想。这种机制在约会择偶场景中尤为关键。好的个人形象不仅要成为某些人的“吸引器”（Attractor），更要成为非目标人群的“过敏原”（Allergen）——通过精准筛选，省去糟糕无效的约会： - **滑雪道具示例**：如果一张约会照片里你手握雪板站在雪坡上，对于不爱运动的人（如 Vanessa 本人）来说，大脑会立刻激活恐惧与痛苦的神经网络联想：“寒冷、害怕、孤零零、膝盖痛”，从而自动避开；但对于同样热爱户外的人而言，激发的则是“冒险、家庭欢聚、度假”的快乐回路。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 约会照片线索的神经网络双向筛选 accDescr: 展现不同视觉线索如何在理想伴侣与非理想伴侣脑中激发出截然相反的神经网络联想 Photo["约会照片中的视觉道具/场景"] --> Cues1["场景 A：高频手持酒精鸡尾酒"] Photo --> Cues2["场景 B：户外运动/生活细节"] Cues1 --> N1["激活联想：'派对女孩、玩咖、不适合组建家庭'"] N1 --> R1["对追求稳定家庭的男性形成过敏原 (Allergen)"] Cues2 --> N2["激活联想：'健康、自律、热爱生活、伙伴'"] N2 --> R2["吸引志同道合的长期伴侣 (Attractor)"] ``` Steven 随即分享了一个身边女性好友的真实案例：这位朋友年近 40 岁，极度渴望组建家庭并找到一位能分担生活开销的踏实伴侣。但当 Steven 帮她诊断 Instagram 时，发现她高达 80% 的照片手中都端着鸡尾酒或含酒精饮料。这种强烈的视觉线索在异性脑中瞬间激活了“派对女孩、适合玩乐而非贤妻良母”的联想，恰恰将她最想吸引的稳重男士阻绝在外。 Vanessa 针对这一案例给出了具体的视觉线索重塑建议，并顺带引出了肢体语言收缩的问题： - **匹配目标伴侣的愿望**：如果想要一个勤勉、热爱户外的丈夫，照片应该呈现出自己的多元真实面貌——例如在行业峰会上专注投入工作的职业状态、在布鲁克林大桥上奔跑、徒步、骑行、与猫狗互动，或是在周末大快朵颐松饼与薄煎饼的生活切片。 - **肢体语言的舒展度**：Steven 观察到该女性在拍照时总是习惯性地“试图让自己占据更小的空间”，身体显得极其收缩内敛（Contracted）。Vanessa 指出，除了此前探讨过的“耳垂与肩膀的纵向距离”外，另一个展现自信与开放的核心肢体指标，便是**双臂与躯干之间的横向间隙**。 ### [02:00:49](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=7249s) 企鹅体态与身体空间的展现在日常交谈中，人与人之间的物理空间以及肢体与躯干的距离一直在动态变化。凡妮莎（Vanessa Van Edwards）一边说话一边比划，展示手臂向外伸展时，躯干与手臂之间会自然形成宽阔的空间。然而，极度焦虑的人往往会像铅笔或企鹅一样蜷缩起来——凡妮莎形象地称之为“企鹅姿态”（penguin）。处于这种状态的人手臂紧紧贴着躯干从不松开，体态极度收缩收敛，手势少之又少，甚至双手常紧扣在胸前。如果整场访谈都以这种封闭僵硬的姿态进行，观众立刻就会觉得她紧张、害怕或焦虑。一旦打破这种紧绷、将手臂从身体两侧释放开来，整个人瞬间就会流露出自信与从容。手势在这方面发挥着巨大作用。丰富的手势不仅能自然拉开身体空间，还能带出语调抑扬顿挫的语音多样性（vocal variety），并极大提升对方的理解效率。这也正是凡妮莎反复强调手势重要性的核心原因。 ```mermaid flowchart LR accTitle: 肢体空间与感知状态的对比 accDescr: 对比企鹅姿态的收缩封闭与开放手势的自信从容。 subgraph S1["封闭体态（企鹅姿态）"] A["手臂紧贴躯干"] --> B["手势极少 / 紧抱胸口"] B --> C["传递焦虑、紧张与不安全感"] end subgraph S2["开放体态（自信展示）"] D["手臂自然外展"] --> E["生动手势与空间延展"] E --> F["增强语调多样性与自信魅力"] end ``` ### [02:01:32](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=7292s) 脱单建议：相亲照黄金法则与声带炸音矫正史蒂文（Steven Bartlett）借机请教凡妮莎，希望能帮自己相识近十年的老友物色伴侣。作为一路见证她情感起伏的好友，他急切想知道：如果要从线索、肢体语言和说话句式上提供脱单指导，应该从何处着手？凡妮莎给出的第一步是彻底改造约会软件上的个人主页照片。相片的核心目标不仅是吸引对的人，更是让不合适的人直接“过敏筛除”。主照片必须同时释放出“热情”（warmth）与“能力”（competence）的身体语言：呈现真实的杜氏微笑，可以配合轻微的歪头（head tilt）展现亲和力，或者加入自然的手势；但热情也不能过度，必须确保耳垂与肩膀之间留有充足的距离，以此展现挺拔与舒展。同时，笑容必须对称，严禁出现轻蔑的单侧撇嘴，也不要流露惊恐式的过度假笑。针对社交相处时的肢体语言，凡妮莎询问这位朋友是否有“声带炸音”（vocal fry，又称低音爆破音）。习惯于蜷缩、把自己缩得很小的人，通常在声音上也缺乏力量。他们说话时往往有气无力，尾音像在平底锅里煎东西一样滋滋作响（“我周末就只是……浇了浇花……”），而且句末语调常常习惯性往上扬，显得极不确定。声带炸音的根源在于呼吸不足。由于缺乏足够的气流支撑，声带无法完全闭合震动，只能彼此松散地咔哒撞击，发出沙哑干瘪的摩擦声。凡妮莎给出了根除声带炸音最快的方法：**提高音量，大声说话**。当一个人感到不自信或身体紧绷时，呼吸会变浅；而只要主动提升讲话音量，气流瞬间冲开声带，炸音便会立刻消失。 ### [02:03:38](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=7418s) 破解肢体收缩的秘诀：告别静坐，选择“活动型约会” 光靠口头提醒一个人“站得舒展一点”往往收效甚微，因为如果对方打心底里感到不自在，这种强行舒展只会让他们倍感别扭。为此，凡妮莎极力推荐“活动型约会”（activity dates）。在传统的约会场景中——无论是坐在餐厅吃正餐、吃早午餐，还是在酒吧或咖啡馆对坐——人们往往会本能地陷入熟悉的拘谨模式：整个人缩在椅子里，双手紧紧攥着饮品杯，局促地问对方“你是做什么工作的？”。这种静态的社交环境极易激活人们过去的自卑与防卫机制。相反，如果改去徒步、打匹克球（pickleball）、学打乒乓球或参与任何需要身体动起来的体育项目，身体在运动中必须自然展开。借由环境与行动的物理牵引，整个人不自觉就会摆脱紧缩体态，展现出宽广且充满活力的气场。 ### [02:04:27](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=7467s) 大脑机制差异：男性与女性如何解读肢体语言史蒂文提到凡妮莎著作中引用的一项脑部核磁共振（MRI）实验：当让男性和女性受试者仅凭照片解读他人的肢体语言时，男女的大脑激活区域呈现出巨大差异。 - **女性的大脑反应**：在识读身体语言图片时，女性大脑会激活 14 到 16 个功能区域。女性大脑中激发出大量的神经联结，她们会迅速发散思维，不仅捕捉动作，还会自动分析对方的面部骨骼、着装搭配，进而推测其情绪、性格以及过往经历。 - **男性的大脑反应**：男性激活的脑区数量大约只有女性的一半。男性更倾向于聚焦在孤立、明确的技术性线索上（例如：肩膀是否宽阔、双脚是否分开站稳、双手是否清晰可见）。凡妮莎指出，这两种处理机制各有千秋，并无优劣之分。在她的学员群体中男女比例各占一半，男性的这种特质有时反而让他们更容易接受技能培训：他们能迅速锁定凡妮莎讲解的某一个特定线索，解码并精准掌握执行要领。而女性往往会借由一个细节脑补出整套长篇故事。在课堂测试中，当给出“这名男子留着莫霍克发型（Mohawk）”的信息时： - 男性通常只作客观陈述：“他留莫霍克头，是个男的，他没秃头。” - 女性则会展开丰富脑补：“他是个坏男孩，耳朵上肯定有耳洞，我敢打赌他骑重型机车，约会时肯定特别刺激好玩，但他多半是个酒鬼。” 这种思维模式同样是一把双刃剑。女性有时会把单个线索“全局化”（globalize），仅因对方做出了一个不恰当的动作，就断定“他是个坏人/他很危险/他很恶毒（toxic）”，从而彻底拉黑对方；而男性则更容易把失误归咎为“他可能今天心情不好”，愿意给予第二次机会。 ### [02:06:33](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=7593s) 社交技巧与内在自信的良性循环史蒂文由此展开了更深层次的探讨。他回忆起自己短暂的大学时光，只去听了一堂讲座就离开了，但期间结识了好友乔（Joe）。当时史蒂文把著名的把妹指南《游戏》（*The Game*）借给乔看，认为书中关于人际互动的理论极具启发性。没想到当晚去夜店，乔生搬硬套书里的套路，到处“打压”（negging）甚至当面羞辱别人，把局面搞得一团糟。与此同时，史蒂文又想起了中学同学丹·卡彭（Dan Capon）——丹在异性面前永远游刃有余、幽默自如，带着一种与生俱来的“自负又风趣”（cocky funny）的魅力，根本不需要任何人传授。这让史蒂文产生困惑：对于那些体态蜷缩、笨拙内向的人来说，学习这些表面的微习惯、肢体动作和说话技巧，究竟能不能触及骨子里的改变？魅力到底是天生的，还是后天可教的？凡妮莎坚定地驳斥了“不可教”的观点。她坚信**任何人都可以通过后天学习掌握社交技能**。在她多年的教学中，曾见过无数原本极度笨拙、浑身不自在甚至彻底自我封闭的人慢慢实现蜕变。凡妮莎强调，一个人并不需要彻底脱胎换骨才能拥有朋友或遇见灵魂伴侣。像乔那样的人，根本不需要变成社交万人迷： - 只要掌握一两个核心策略——例如不再机械式地问枯燥的“你是做什么工作的”； - 在讲话结束时保持 60% 至 70% 的坚定眼神接触，就能让对方瞬间感到被倾听与被重视； - 学会提出更高质量的问题去关心朋友。谈及技巧与真正内在自信的关系，史蒂文询问：这些行为技巧是否会与自信心形成一种“自我强化的良性循环”？凡妮莎对此强烈赞同，坦言这就是自己走出自闭笨拙的唯一解药。过去她深受孤独折磨，而她打破死循环的方法极其务实：每次出门前给自己设定一个微小的行动目标——“我今晚只要对一个人提问：‘你最近遇到的最兴奋的事情是什么？’”正是这样一个具体的微小技巧，赋予了她推开大门、迈向聚会的全部勇气。 ### [02:09:30](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=7770s) 改变沟通模式：打破僵局的微小工具凡妮莎·范·爱德华兹（Vanessa Van Edwards）回顾了当自己提出一个好问题并收到对方热情回应时的体验。例如问对方“你最近在忙什么令人兴奋的事吗？”，对方眼前一亮回答：“天哪，我确实在做一件特别棒的事！”这种互动让彼此都感到振奋。只要掌握这样一个沟通小工具，就能赋予人走出舒适区的底气。无论任何人，一旦觉得自己卡在某种社交或人际关系的死胡同里，就必须主动打破惯性。凡妮莎强调：“如果你一成不变地做同样的事，就只会不断得到同样的结果。”这意味着必须尝试提出不同类型的问题，使用截然不同的肢体语言线索。即使只做出极其微小的调整，周围的反馈也会立刻发生改变。当被问及这些肢体语言线索对某一特定性别是否更为关键时，凡妮莎指出，根据现有的科学研究，这些规律在两性之间并无显著差异，对男性和女性同样行之有效。 --- ### [02:10:14](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=7814s) 吸引力的秘密：释放“随时可接近”的信号谈及在社交与约会场合中究竟什么最具吸引力——是展现出能力、强大还是其他品质——凡妮莎引用了研究学者莫妮卡·摩尔（Monica Moore）的经典实验。研究发现，在酒吧或俱乐部等社交场合中最容易被人搭讪的，既不是外表最英俊的男性，也不是长相最美艳的女性，而是那些**释放出最强烈“可接近信号”（Signals of Availability）**的人。实验显示，哪怕是全场颜值最高的女性，如果她的肢体语言闭塞防御，依然无人敢上前搭讪，根本拿不到联系方式；反而是那些明确传递出“欢迎来聊”信号的人最受欢迎。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 社交场合中吸引他人接近的行为信号链 accDescr: 展示从开放躯干、牛角包式站姿、眼神扫视到手势引导的四步可接近性信号。 subgraph Signals ["释放可接近性信号 (Signals of Availability)"] A["开放躯干 (无遮挡/无交叉)"] --> B["牛角包式站姿 (双脚朝向开阔区域)"] B --> C["快速扫视 (反复约8次轻巧眼神互动)"] C --> D["定向手势引导 (肢体动态朝向目标)"] end Signals --> E["对方接收安全感与邀请 主动上前搭讪破冰"] ``` 在多人社交或快速人际网络（Speed Networking）中，释放可接近信号的具体策略包括： - **躯干完全开放（Open Body, No Blocking）**：胸部与腹部前方绝对不要有任何障碍物。不要双臂环抱胸前，不要将水杯高高护在胸口，更不要紧抱笔记本电脑、iPad或手机。保持躯干展露并朝向人群。 - **“牛角包脚位”（Croissant Feet）**：日常交谈中两人的脚通常呈平行相对状态，但在开放社交环境中，凡妮莎建议站成“牛角包”造型——双脚微微外八并朝向室内最宽敞、最核心的人流方向。这种站姿在潜意识中宣告“我是开放的，欢迎随时切入谈话”。 - **多次快速扫视（Darting Glances）**：向心仪的对象投去轻快的眼神。莫妮卡·摩尔的研究显示，一个人通常平均需要捕捉到大约 **8 次**眼神扫视才会有勇气走过来搭讪。凡妮莎起初也以为只需两三次，这个数字高得令人吃惊。这些眼神不是死盯不放的凝视，而是侧目一瞥、伴随微笑的眼神交汇，或是撩一下头发同时投去的余光。 - **顺着视线方向比手势（Gesturing in Their Direction）**：凡妮莎分享了自己的私藏秘诀——在与同伴交谈时，手势自然地朝着远处心仪对象所在的方向比画，仿佛在无形的空间线条中用肢体语言向对方发出“请往这边走”的召唤。如果对方对你哪怕有一丝好感，就会顺着这种肢体引力走过来；若毫无反应，则说明对方缺乏兴趣，可以迅速转移目标。凡妮莎补充道，男性同样可以利用这些线索。虽然受文化习俗影响，女性在拥挤场所主动上前搭讪男性的概率相对较低，但男性运用短促目光、开放手势和牛角包脚位，能够提前为女性营造心理预热，测试对方的水温。如果对方迎上目光并调整身体朝向，便是绿灯信号；如果对方转过身或将脚尖扭开，则说明不宜强行接近。面对史蒂文提到现代人流行“装酷”且害怕被视为越界冒犯的普遍焦虑，凡妮莎依然乐观地认为，现代人内心其实极其孤独，大家都渴望遇见对的人，若真能在现实中勇敢表达“嗨，我在人群中看到了你，觉得你很棒”，这本身就是一份极其美好的礼物。 --- ### [02:15:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=8108s) 成年人交友指南：像谈恋爱一样去“约会朋友” 史蒂文分享了自己在伦敦金丝雀码头（Canary Wharf）面对上千名金融界年轻职场人演讲时的感人一幕：前排一个西装革履的年轻小伙勇敢站起来，在全场注视下公开提问：“我想问，我到底该怎么交到朋友？”史蒂文当时被打动并回答：“你刚才展现出的这种极致脆弱与勇气，就是交朋友的真正方法——因为等我走下讲台，肯定会有一堆人主动走到你身边。” 凡妮莎随即提出了自己系统的**成年人交友方法论**。她指出，社会往往鼓励人们在爱情中投入心力，却忽视了寻找知己的同等价值；事实上，找到两三个同频共振的至交好友，对一个人的健康、幸福和成功具有不可估量的意义。凡妮莎坦言，企业家科迪·桑切斯（Codie Sanchez）是她最好的闺蜜之一，两人不仅思维同频，还能携手拓展商业；但在奥斯汀找到科迪之前，自己经历了一段漫长的“朋友版单身女郎（Bachelorette for friends）”时期，像相亲一样“约会”了无数女生才筛选出真正的灵魂挚友。凡妮莎总结的成年人交友原则与筛选机制包括： - **转变思维认知（Mindset Shift）**：寻找挚友本质上就是“寻找朋友界的灵魂伴侣（Friend Soulmate）”。必须抱持与寻找伴侣相同的严肃态度与标准去筛选——追求价值观契合、大脑神经回路共鸣、兴趣活动重合的人。 - **循序渐进，切忌过度亲近（Pacing）**：就像刚约会不能马上同居一样，面对新朋友也绝不能进展太快，需要通过多次不同场景的互动进行全方位考验。 - **开展“友情约会”与“耐受度压力测试”（Friendship Dates & Allergy Tests）**：每次约会选择不同场所，并且故意带对方去一些具有排他性、不可定制的个性化地点，测试对方的性格底色。例如，凡妮莎极喜欢带新认识的朋友去奥斯汀一家名为 Casa De Luz 的老牌嬉皮风纯素餐厅。该餐厅风格如同大学食堂，当天只提供唯一定制套餐，完全不接受任何个性化修改或挑剔。凡妮莎笑称，如果对方表现出极度挑剔、非要提出各种刁难要求的做派，她立刻就能断定彼此不合适做朋友，从而高效筛选出真正随和、同频的人生伙伴。 ### [02:17:42](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=8262s) 如何在成年后结交朋友：共同活动与深度提问 Vanessa Van Edwards 谈到自己对友情的看法：她常常会把朋友带入一些特定甚至看似古怪的场景，以此观察对方在面对特殊状况时的反应。她发现自己最亲密的朋友都会欣然接受并配合——这正是看清一个人性格底色的极好方式。她自嘲道：“别人听了这段肯定会觉得这人太怪了，难怪她没朋友。”她坦言自己的朋友确实不多，但每一个都极其交心。她建议大家多去思考那些能够检验双方共同价值观或品质的活动与场所。针对 Steven Bartlett 提出的疑问——如果一个人根本没有朋友该怎么办，尤其是成年男性在社交上更容易感到尴尬和受挫（甚至连 Vanessa 自己也常不得不帮丈夫安排“交友约会”）——Vanessa 指出，最好的切入点是“共同活动”。无论你喜欢的是投掷飞斧、看足球赛、极限长跑、徒步俱乐部还是近来风靡的匹克球（pickleball），只要置身于自己热爱的圈子里，就可以像在约会中一样自然地破冰。她推荐了几个无论在约会还是结交朋友时都屡试不爽的高质量提问：例如“最近手头在忙什么让你兴奋的事吗？”或者“你 2025 年最大的目标是什么？”只要在同一项活动中坚持沉浸足够长的时间，就必然能找到志同道合的同类。 --- ### [02:18:57](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=8337s) AirPods 正在摧毁友谊与“微弱连接” 回顾自己投身人际关系研究的 18 年历程，Vanessa 敏锐地指出社会层面发生的最剧烈变化：“AirPods 正在杀死友谊，它正在摧毁人际互动。”在 18 年前，即使有人带着随身听（Walkman）穿行在校园、街道或地铁里，耳朵基本上也是对外开放的。那时在走廊相遇或地铁偶遇，很容易产生自然的问候：“嗨，Steven，最近怎么样？”“还行，这周忙疯了。”“真的吗？在忙什么？”正是这些微小的互动瞬间促成了深度关系的萌芽。Vanessa 提到了此前引用的 Van Sloan 儿童受欢迎程度研究——最受欢迎的孩子往往拥有最长的“自己喜欢的人”的名单。那些孩子总是在走廊打招呼、在储物柜旁闲聊五秒钟、课后多聊两句、午餐时凑过去搭话。真正的友谊并非诞生于宏大的长篇大论，而是构建在这些“微连接瞬间”（micro moments of connection）之上。然而如今，AirPods 完全切断了这种机会，年轻人尤其如此——无论通勤、散步、慢跑还是泡在健身房，双耳始终塞着耳机。Vanessa 回忆起自己 17 岁短暂单身时的场景，那时的健身房是极佳的社交场所，几乎没有人戴耳机，人与人之间充满微小互动的契机；而现在如果有人在健身房不戴耳机，大家反而会觉得“这个人是不是疯了、怎么还不回家”。缺乏这些微互动，我们便失去了社会学上所说的“弱连接”（weak ties）。弱连接是指每周在健身房打照面、混个脸熟的点头之交；当周末在餐馆偶遇时，就能自然聊起“你也去那家健身房吗，周末打算干嘛”。弱连接对于人类的幸福感、建立深厚友谊、寻找伴侣以及拓展商业人脉至关重要。加上混合办公（hybrid work）模式的普及，人们少了开会前五分钟与同事和主管闲聊的契机，而研究早已表明，讨人喜欢的人薪资更高、晋升更快、职场伙伴更多——当展示亲和力的微时刻骤减，职场与人生的上升通道也随之收窄。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 现代科技与生活模式对人际弱连接的削弱流程 accDescr: 展示 AirPods 与远程办公如何切断微连接瞬间并影响人际幸福与职场成功 subgraph Causes["隔离因素"] A["AirPods 普及 （通勤/健身房全天佩戴）"] B["混合办公模式 （缺少走廊与会前 5 分钟闲聊）"] end subgraph Impact["直接影响"] C["微连接瞬间丧失 （Micro Moments of Connection 骤减）"] D["弱连接网络瓦解 （缺少日常点头之交与熟悉面孔）"] end subgraph Consequences["长期后果"] E["社交圈萎缩与孤独感加剧"] F["职业发展受限 （错失展现亲和力、升职加薪的机会）"] end A --> C B --> C C --> D D --> E D --> F ``` --- ### [02:22:16](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=8536s) 播客赞助：Shopify 与 LinkedIn - **Shopify 赞助信息**：Steven Bartlett 分享了旗下 Flight Studio（隶属于 Flight Group）如何致力于与受众建立深层连接（如推出“对话卡牌”产品）。他表示从过去到未来的新品发布均依赖 Shopify，其在全球范围内搭建在线网店极其简便，完全消除电商上线的痛点。节目听众可享受首月仅需 1 美元的试用优惠（访问 `shopify.com/bartlett`）。 - **LinkedIn Jobs 赞助信息**：Steven Bartlett 谈及作为企业家的心路历程，强调创办公司最核心的事就是“招聘”（Company 的本义即一群人）。他团队中约 80% 的员工均通过 LinkedIn 招募，该平台拥有庞大且多维度的人才库档案。收听节目的创业者可通过专属链接 `linkedin.com/doac` 免费发布职位招聘广告。 --- ### [02:24:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=8648s) 识别谎言的真相：不存在“匹诺曹的长鼻子” 节目话题转向大众最着迷的领域之一——如何识破谎言。Steven 打趣道，前半段两人聊的许多沟通技巧听上去简直像在教人“如何撒谎”，因此人们更想知道该如何防止自己被套路。Vanessa 直言不讳地打破了大众的幻想：科学研究证明，普通人识别谎言的准确率仅仅只有 54%，几乎与抛硬币猜测无异。她强调，人们绝不能高估自己识破谎言的能力，在缺乏确凿证据时，给予他人“善意推定”（benefit of the doubt）非常重要。 Vanessa 解释道，世界上根本不存在“匹诺曹的长鼻子”，没有任何单一肢体动作能百分之百证明某人在说谎。不过，行为学研究归纳出了一系列反复出现的“欺骗统计线索”（statistical cues to deceit）。当这些线索出现时，它不是定罪的铁证，而是一个促使你“双击展开探究”（double click）的警示红旗： - **反常的句末升调（Question Inflection）**：当一个人在陈述客观事实、交代具体数字、明确边界或时间节点时，语调却突然向上扬起变成疑问语气，这往往暴露了其内心的心虚或不确定。例如对方提出“预算是 50 万？”，此时应当立即深入追问：“关于这 50 万预算，我们细聊一下，这个数字是怎么计算出来的？”以此观察对方在后续解释中是否会再次出现语调异常。 - **音量骤降与气息不足（Volume Drop）**：人在感到焦虑、紧张或心虚时，肺部气息和声带张力会发生改变，导致说话的声音突然变小、底气不足。这也是极其典型的听觉欺瞒线索之一。 ### [02:26:07](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=8767s) 察言观色：音量骤降与言行不一的谎言线索在销售提案与日常对话中，声音的变化往往能直接出卖一个人的心理状态。Vanessa 指出，在辅导创业者进行路演时，她总能一眼看穿对方在讲到哪个环节时最紧张——因为他们在那个特定部分会明显“丢失音量”，仿佛瞬间泄了气、没了底气。比如在介绍核心团队时，创业者原本洪亮的声音突然变得微弱含糊：“接下来介绍团队……创始人有我、Joe 和 Jimmy，我们是在纽约大学认识的……”这种音量上的断崖式下跌，表明演讲者在该领域缺乏信心或存在隐情。作为敏锐的投资人或观察者，这就是最该深挖追问的地方：“你对合伙人感觉如何？”“你们认识多久了？”“你们日常如何沟通与处理分歧？” ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 识别不一致与谎言信号的线索分析 accDescr: 展示声音与非语言层面中暴露出的不一致信号及应对机制。 subgraph Vocal ["声音线索"] V1["音量骤降"] --> V2["底气不足 / 内心焦虑"] V2 --> V3["追问探究核心症结"] end subgraph NonVerbal ["肢体与表情线索"] N1["言行不一致 口说'Yes'却摇头"] --> N3["潜意识否定 / 掩盖事实"] N2["厌恶微表情 皱鼻、露上齿、轻嗅"] --> N4["自责'肮脏感' / 本能排斥"] end ``` 在非语言行为层面，最核心的观察法则是寻找“言行不一”（Incongruence）。最典型的例子就是嘴上说着“对、是的”，脖子却在左右摇头；或是嘴上说“不”，脑袋却在上下点头。比如问孩子“房间收拾好了吗？”，孩子一边回答“收拾了”一边下意识地摇头。尽管在印度、保加利亚和巴基斯坦等国家，点头与摇头的文化习惯有所不同，但在绝大多数文化背景下，当我们发自内心认同或陈述实情时，身体通常会协同点头；反之则会下意识摇头。如果在职场中询问“你觉得新来的女同事怎么样？”，对方嘴上说着“她挺好的”，身体却在微微摇头，那毫无疑问，他内心其实根本不喜欢那个人。 ### [02:28:17](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=8897s) 厌恶微表情：说谎者潜意识的“肮脏感” 跨文化研究表明，“厌恶”（Disgust）是说谎者最常无意间流露的微表情之一。人类在闻到刺鼻气味或极度反感某事时，面部会本能地起反应：鼻翼扩张并向上皱起，微微露出上排牙齿，甚至伴随轻微吸鼻子的动作。Vanessa 解释道，吸鼻子其实是鼻腔试图收缩、减少吸入有害异味的生理保护本能。即便没有实际气味，说谎者在撒谎时潜意识里会觉得自己“很脏”、在做龌龊的事情，因此往往会对自己产生生理层面的嫌恶感，这种情绪会瞬间浮现在面部。 - **鼻翼抽动与吸鼻**：当询问下属“你觉得这个方案如何？”，对方回答“挺好的”，同时却伴随皱鼻和吸鼻动作，说明他心底对方案充满排斥。 - **团队共识检测**：领导在公布新一年的规划时，应密切观察团队成员是否出现这种下意识的面部收缩，一旦捕捉到嫌恶神态，就要立即停下来追问：“Stephen，你觉得这个点子怎么样？有什么顾虑吗？” - **肢体语言的不可控性**：这种表情极度不自然且难以长时间刻意维持，绝大多数人在做出来时自己毫无察觉，但它能精准反映最深层的抵触情绪。 ### [02:30:05](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9005s) 最具杀伤力的人际关系：模糊摇摆的“半吊子关系” 在探讨人际关系的危害时，Vanessa 纠正了一个常见误区：消耗我们最多心力的往往不是公认的“有毒关系”（Toxic relationships），而是“模糊摇摆关系”（Ambivalent relationships）。对于纯粹有毒的人，我们的态度是明确坚决的——设立界限、拒绝邀约、不发短信、果断远离。然而，面对模糊摇摆的关系，人会陷入持续的精神内耗：“她到底喜不喜欢我？”“我真的想去吃这顿饭吗？”“真希望对方能临时取消邀约……”这种既没有彻底决裂、又无法获得支持的不确定感，会带来极其沉重的心理负担。一项针对警务人员的心理研究揭示了令人震惊的结论： - 研究人员让警察对辖区内的同事关系进行评级，结果发现，那些职场中拥有最多“摇摆关系”的警察，工作幸福感最低、工作生活失衡最严重、承受的职业压力也最大。 - 相比之下，那些明确认定身边某些同事“就是有毒”的警察，由于界限分明，心理状态反而更加快乐和稳定。 - **30天清理法则**：梳理自己的人际网络，如果对某个人处于“半生不熟且内心纠结”的状态，先将其移至清单底部；在接下来的30天里主动抛出有深度的问题进行沟通，观察对方的反馈——要么升级为真诚好友（Move them up），要么彻底淡出生活圈（Move them out），绝不要允许模糊内耗的关系长期拖垮自己。 ### [02:32:34](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9154s) 如何轻松开启一段对话：切忌过度构思关于大众最关心的“如何与陌生人搭讪破冰”，Vanessa 强调首要原则就是：**千万不要过度构思开场白（Don't overthink your opener）**。最自然的开场往往极其朴素，甚至只需要简简单单一句话：“嗨，我是 Vanessa”或是“你好，很高兴认识你”。她曾给小妹妹提出的人生建议就是“只要大方上前打个招呼就好”。因为在初次接触的几秒内，对方的大脑正在飞速处理大量的非语言信息——从你的面部表情、眼神接触、声音语调到你的手势动作（例如伸手示意友好的信号）。如果你一上来就丢出一个沉重的大问题（比如“你人生最大的目标是什么？”），对方大脑会瞬间超载并产生警惕。 | 社交时间节点 | 推荐的破冰话术 | 心理机制与沟通目的 | |:--- |:--- |:--- | | **周一（复盘模式）** | “你刚过去的周末过得怎么样？有什么好玩的事吗？” | 引导对方回忆轻松愉悦的休闲时光，快速打破职场压抑感 | | **周五（期待模式）** | “这周末有什么让人期待的精彩计划吗？” | 借着即将到来的周末激发兴奋感，顺畅切入个人兴趣话题 | | **周二至周四** | 幽默调侃：“周二到周四我基本上不跟任何人讲话” | 避开俗套且机械的“你是做什么工作的？”（Autopilot 问题） | 在平淡而真诚的自我介绍之后，接下来提出的第一个问题才是深化交流的关键。避开按部就班的查户口式提问，转而探寻对方当下感到兴奋的事情，能瞬间点燃对话的热情。 ### [02:34:20](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9260s) 杜鲁门总统的内向者启示对话转入一个发人深省的历史案例——美国前总统哈里·S·杜鲁门（Harry S. Truman）。在大多数公众的固有认知中，美国总统通常都是气场强大、能言善辩的外向型演讲家。然而杜鲁门却极其罕见：他性格极度内向，且深知自己在公开演讲方面并不擅长。正因如此，他在1944年民主党全国代表大会上的表现尤为耐人寻味。即便身处必须面对公众与政客的残酷舞台，这位严重的内向者依然以自己独特的非语言沟通和行为方式，在政坛中找到了立足之地，为所有天生腼腆、不擅高谈阔论的人树立了极具启发性的典范。 ### [02:34:56](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9296s) 不在别人的主场竞争：创造属于自己的优势空间凡妮莎·范·爱德华兹（Vanessa Van Edwards）讲述了一个生动的政治历史案例：有一位候选人在民调中大幅落后，并不是大会看好的热门人选。在公开舞台上，他无法与那些极具领袖魅力的雄辩演说家抗衡。于是他果断放弃了在舞台上大放厥词、或者在会场四处穿梭握手寒暄的常规策略——因为那不是他的长处。他的真正杀手锏是“一对一的高质量对话”，能够通过严谨的逻辑与论据把人说服。当年在盛夏的芝加哥举行民主党全国代表大会，场馆内酷热难耐。这位候选人租下了会展中心地下室里唯一一间配备空调的房间。他的竞选团队将代表们一位接一位邀请进这个凉爽的地下室。在这里，代表们不仅因为有冷气而乐意长时间停留，候选人更有充裕的时间倾听对方的具体顾虑：“你为什么不想投我？”随后逐条解释为什么他们应当支持自己。随着一张张选票的统计推进，他几乎完全没有在主舞台上做过几场演讲，便通过一间地下空调房里的一对一谈话赢得了大会的胜利。凡妮莎借此强调：“停止在无法展现最佳自我的舞台上盲目竞争，开始创造能让你发挥所长的房间。”每个人都拥有属于自己的社交优势：可能是讲故事、幽默风趣、善于倾听、极富同理心，亦或是善于破译非语言线索或逻辑说服。没人希望你伪装成外向者或假装擅长自己并不擅长的事；发挥真实强项反而能吸引真正同频的人。而且，社交优势并不局限于“面对面”： - 有些人擅长文字短信沟通，文字表达细腻得体。 - 有些人擅长通过发送语音留言建立深度信任。 - 还有些人通过“公开广播”（Broadcasting）来吸引朋友。凡妮莎特别提到主持人史蒂芬·巴特利特（Steven Bartlett）与女友的相识——正是史蒂芬在节目中公开表达观点，女友产生深度共鸣后主动联系，两人最终相爱走到一起。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 扬长避短的社交场景策略 accDescr: 展示从识别自身核心优势到选择适配载体并达成高效社交连接的完整流程。 subgraph Identify["第一步：识别核心社交优势"] A["评估个人特质 （非盲目模仿外向者）"] --> B{"优势类型"} B -->|一对一说服 / 倾听| C1["深度交流型"] B -->|故事 / 幽默| C2["情绪感染型"] B -->|文字 / 声音 / 播客| C3["多媒介传播型"] end subgraph CreateRoom["第二步：构建适配场景（打造自己的空调房）"] C1 --> D1["私密对谈 / 一对一会议"] C2 --> D2["小组聚会 / 社交沙龙"] C3 --> D3["文字消息 / 语音留言 / 内容广播"] end subgraph Attract["第三步：高效建立真实连接"] D1 & D2 & D3 --> E["吸引同频人群并建立高信任关系"] end ``` ### [02:37:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9420s) 告别“自动驾驶”：重塑沟通习惯的行动指南史蒂芬表示自己已经彻底被这套社交科学说服，迫不及待想要上手实践，并当场询问凡妮莎：对于一个下定决心从“社交笨拙者”蜕变的人来说，第一步到底该做什么？凡妮莎给出了两个核心挑战和一个进阶挑战： 1. **挑战一：打破对话中的“自动驾驶”模式（Break Autopilot）** 立下一项为期30天的承诺：在接下来的一个月里，绝不在社交中触发自动驾驶套话。全面戒除诸如“你是做什么工作的？”（What do you do?）、“最近怎么样？”（How are you?）、“你是哪里人？”（Where are you from?）这种让人不假思索敷衍作答的烂俗寒暄。换用能激发思考与情绪的提问，例如：“你最近最大的目标是什么？”、“周末有什么让你兴奋的事吗？”。 2. **挑战二：明确自身在“热情”与“能力”象限中的定位** 了解自己到底属于偏向高热情（Highly Warm）还是偏向高能力（Highly Competent）。如果亲和有余但常被低估专业度，就需要调高“能力”信号以获得严肃对待；如果能力极强但显得冷酷疏离，就必须拉高“热情”信号以建立信任与亲和感。具体方法包括完成其科学测试并对日常发送的电子邮件进行用词与标点审查（Email Audit）。 3. **加分挑战：获取真实的镜像反馈** 将“魅力测试”（Charisma Quiz）发送给真正了解你的人——工作搭档、好友或伴侣，让他们“以你的名义”代入作答并截图反馈。凡妮莎指出，自我认知往往存在巨大盲区：你可能自认为热情与能力完美平衡（“五分满分”），但在他人眼里你可能严重偏向热情而缺乏气场。这种第三方视角的客观反馈对个人的成长至关重要。 ### [02:38:21](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9501s) 最后一问：直面痛苦的至暗时刻与救赎播客进入保留的压轴环节：上一位匿名嘉宾为凡妮莎留下了深刻的灵魂拷问——“在你的人生中，你何时曾试图逃避痛苦，带来了什么后果？你又在何时选择转身直面痛苦，结果又是如何？” 凡妮莎深有感触地分享了她职业生涯中最艰难的一段转折：在经历多年默默无闻的挣扎后，她在2011年出版了一本由传统出版社发行的书。满心以为这本书会彻底改变人生轨迹，现实却给了她当头一棒：图书销量惨淡，恶评如潮，甚至有业内人士当面对她说：“你这辈子再也写不出一本书了。”这让她陷入了彻底的幻灭与崩溃。在丈夫的坚定鼓励下，她重新敲打键盘，正式创立了“Science of People”网站。随着视频爆红、网站每月迎来数百万访问量，她极度渴望通过数字来向世界证明自己，以此抹去当年失败的屈辱创伤。然而，当出版人尼基（Nikki）找上门，邀请她撰写《吸引力》（Captivate）时，凡妮莎的第一反应是极力逃避与拒绝：“我不写书，我只是个 YouTuber 和博主，我不能写书。这太痛苦了，如果这次再失败，我根本承受不住。” 尼基花了数月时间开导她，告诉她“这不是一本你觉得‘应该写’的书，而是一本写出你内心真正想对读者说的话的书”。最终，凡妮莎决定不再逃避，转身直面那种随时可能再次失败的巨大恐惧。她告诉自己：“即便真的再次一败涂地，至少证明我真正拼尽全力去试过了，这种痛苦是值得承受的。” 幸运的是，《Captivate》获得了巨大成功。凡妮莎动情地表示，直到今天，每当有人购买一本她的书，她都感觉自己“离当年那场可怕的彻底失败又远了一步”。 ### [02:40:47](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9647s) 孤独时代的深度连接与终极选择在节目尾声，史蒂芬向凡妮莎表达了由衷的敬意与感谢。他指出，凡妮莎所传播的知识在当前时代比以往任何时候都更加紧迫。在这个宏观社会环境中，人类正经历前所未有的孤独与社交断连，人与人之间的深度连接不再自然发生。做播客的这几年里，他收到了海量听众的困惑，几乎全是如何结交朋友、如何在社交场合展现自我这类最基本却困扰现代人的问题。凡妮莎所影响的数十万学员与数百万读者证明了这套方法的价值。史蒂芬坦言，即便是常年面对镜头的自己，也从凡妮莎的研究中获益匪浅，甚至意识到许多自己下意识做出却从未留意的微小动作。他强调，学习社交技巧绝不是为了搭建虚伪的面具或假象，而是通过自我审视与主动选择，决定自己究竟想成为怎样的朋友、怎样的伴侣、以及在对话中带来怎样的能量。本期播客赞助商信息： - 节目赞助商为肠道健康与个性化营养科学平台 Zoe（史蒂芬亦为该企业投资人）。 - 针对市场上充斥着“低糖”、“纯天然”等虚假“健康光环”食品标签的乱象，Zoe 基于全球大型微生物组数据库与先进的居家肠道测试，提供严谨的营养指导。 - 听众可访问 zoe.com 并使用专属优惠码 STEVEN10 享受会员九折优惠。 ## Notable quotes > [26:14](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1574s) 你讨厌所有人，很可能是因为你问了完全错误的问题，并且讲了完全错误的故事。 — Vanessa Van Edwards > [33:16](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1996s) 别数了，这份报纸里一共有 42 张图片。 > [01:21:44](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=4904s) 快跟我多讲讲，把细节都告诉我！ — Vanessa Van Edwards > [01:21:44](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=4904s) 看吧，这就是为什么我平时不笑，这也是为什么大家都觉得我吓人，因为每次我一笑大家就嘲笑我！ — Steven Bartlett > [01:27:13](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5233s) 那个整天在生死边缘搏命的角色？ — Vanessa Van Edwards > [01:27:13](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5233s) 是的，那就是我每天的真实感受。 > [01:40:20](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=6020s) 那我见到你太高兴了，我是个喜欢拥抱的人！ — Vanessa Van Edwards > [01:52:34](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=6754s) 嗨，我是 Vanessa，一个正在康复中的社交笨拙者。 — Vanessa Van Edwards > [02:09:30](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=7770s) 如果你一成不变地做同样的事，就只会不断得到同样的结果。 — Vanessa Van Edwards > [02:18:57](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=8337s) AirPods 正在杀死友谊，它正在摧毁人际互动。 — Vanessa Van Edwards > [02:34:56](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9296s) 停止在无法展现最佳自我的舞台上盲目竞争，开始创造能让你发挥所长的房间。 — Vanessa Van Edwards > [02:38:21](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9501s) 你这辈子再也写不出一本书了。 ## Mentioned Vanessa Van Edwards, Steven Bartlett, Dale Carnegie, Jamie Siminoff, Shark Tank, Ring, Dr. Barbara Wild, Dr. Van Sloan, Richard Wiseman, Matthew Lieberman, Donald Trump, Neil Strauss, Susan Fiske, Barack Obama, Maggie Kirkland, Katniss Everdeen, The Hunger Games, Chris Gardner, The Pursuit of Happyness, Will Smith, Ash, Dman, Nikki, Captivate, Cues, The Game, Dan Capon, Monica Moore, Codie Sanchez, Casa De Luz, Shopify, Flight Studio, Flight Group, LinkedIn, LinkedIn Jobs, Harry S. Truman, Science of People, Zoe ## Video description Vanessa Van Edwards is the founder of ‘Science of People’, which gives people science-backed skills to improve communication and leadership. She is also the bestselling author of ‘Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People’ and ‘Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication'. 00:00 Intro 02:13 The Crucial Role of Cues for Success 03:45 I'm a Recovered Awkward Person 05:36 What's an Ambivert 07:28 One Word Can Change the Way People Think 09:39 The Most Fundamental Skill to Invest In 12:41 The Resting B*tch Face Effect 16:01 Do Not Fake Smile! 18:29 The 97 Cues to Be Warm & Competent 21:44 The Formula to a Perfect Conversation 24:37 Science Reveals Why Some People Are Extremely Popular 28:34 Message People Telling Them This... 33:22 The Luck Experiment 35:05 Being Around Successful People Is Contagious 41:55 The Importance of Hand Gestures 43:38 Hand Tricks to Be Liked 54:15 The Scientific Formula to Be More Charismatic 56:47 The Danger Zone of Being Too Warm or Competent 58:45 The Power Cues 1:07:55 How to Spot a Liar 1:15:23 If You've Been Told You're Intimidating, Do This 1:18:37 Don't Let Anyone Use This With You 1:21:45 The 6 Questions to Connect With Someone 1:34:20 Leaning Too Much Towards Someone... 1:39:03 How to Greet Someone 1:49:42 How to Master Messaging 1:54:40 Personal Branding 1:59:01 Improve Your Dating Life With These Tips 2:04:27 Body Language and Brain Connection 2:06:33 Are You Awkward? Watch This 2:10:14 How to Get Someone to Approach You 2:15:08 How to Make Friends as an Adult 2:18:57 AirPods Are Killing Friendships 2:22:16 Ads 2:24:08 How to Spot a Liar 2:30:05 Toxic Relationships 2:32:34 How to Start a Conversation With a Stranger 2:37:00 How to Get Started With All This Knowledge Follow Vanessa: Instagram - https://g2ul0.app.link/cm3A7r1O6Ob Twitter - https://g2ul0.app.link/IVgMiQ3O6Ob Science of People - https://g2ul0.app.link/5LJ8mO5O6Ob You can access the images mentioned, here: https://linktr.ee/diaryofaceostudies You can purchase Vanessa’s book, ‘Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication’, here: https://amzn.to/3ZFzkcT You can purchase the The Diary Of A CEO Conversation Cards: Second Edition, here: https://g2ul0.app.link/f31dsUttKKb Get access to exclusive Diary of a CEO content: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGq-a57w-aPwyi3pW7XLiHw/join Sponsors: Shopify - https://shopify.com/bartlett Linkedin Jobs - https://www.linkedin.com/doac ZOE - http://joinzoe.com with code STEVEN10 for 10% off [Source](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw)

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[26:14] Vanessa Van Edwards: 你讨厌所有人，很可能是因为你问了完全错误的问题，并且讲了完全错误的故事。 [33:16] 别数了，这份报纸里一共有 42 张图片。 [81:44] Vanessa Van Edwards: 快跟我多讲讲，把细节都告诉我！ [81:44] Steven Bartlett: 看吧，这就是为什么我平时不笑，这也是为什么大家都觉得我吓人，因为每次我一笑大家就嘲笑我！ [87:13] Vanessa Van Edwards: 那个整天在生死边缘搏命的角色？ [87:13] 是的，那就是我每天的真实感受。 [100:20] Vanessa Van Edwards: 那我见到你太高兴了，我是个喜欢拥抱的人！ [112:34] Vanessa Van Edwards: 嗨，我是 Vanessa，一个正在康复中的社交笨拙者。 [129:30] Vanessa Van Edwards: 如果你一成不变地做同样的事，就只会不断得到同样的结果。 [138:57] Vanessa Van Edwards: AirPods 正在杀死友谊，它正在摧毁人际互动。 [154:56] Vanessa Van Edwards: 停止在无法展现最佳自我的舞台上盲目竞争，开始创造能让你发挥所长的房间。 [158:21] 你这辈子再也写不出一本书了。

Source quotes

[23:23] Dr. Van Sloan: The most popular kids had the longest list of people they liked. [27:22] Vanessa Van Edwards: I was just thinking of you [35:05] Vanessa Van Edwards: If you sit within 25 feet of a high performer, your own performance improves by 15%. Here's the kicker: if you sit within 25 feet of a low performer, your own performance decreases by 30%. [74:01] Vanessa Van Edwards: You're always so [positive label] [74:01] Vanessa Van Edwards: Last time we talked, you mentioned [specific detail] [84:08] Vanessa Van Edwards: Are you working on anything exciting recently? [84:08] Vanessa Van Edwards: What's your biggest goal right now? [87:17] Vanessa Van Edwards: How someone relates to characters, their values or personality, is how they see themselves, and people's answers will shock you. [89:29] Steven Bartlett: I used to work in call centers at nighttime selling hotel rooms and car insurance and artificial grass, and now I get to sit here and have conversations with people like you... To be here feels... suspicious. [94:20] Vanessa Van Edwards: If you lean too far over, you get very quickly into bowing or submissive behavior... If I were to be reading a book and highlight the entire page, the highlight means nothing. If you lean in when someone's like 'What, really?' and then I lean back, then it's powerful. [96:35] Vanessa Van Edwards: Really good relationships, really warm people... are bridging all the time. They walk by you, they touch your shoulder, they say 'How's it going?'... They're constantly doing these very small bridges. [99:03] Vanessa Van Edwards: You can stop awkward greetings from happening with simple non-verbal cues... You want a handshake? 'So good to see you!' I want you to be doing this from 10 feet away... This immediately signals their brain: don't try to give me an awkward hug. [109:42] Vanessa Van Edwards: No one's perfect... The longer the interview goes on without the other shoe to drop, the more the interviewer is like, 'Hmm, what's going on here?' You are better off dropping your shoe closer to the start. [109:42] Vanessa Van Edwards: Hi, I'm Vanessa, and I'm a recovering awkward person. [150:05] Vanessa Van Edwards: Ambivalent relationships are the relationships in your life that are the most damaging... they are so energetically draining because a toxic person, you know they're toxic... where an ambivalent person, you're like, 'I should check in with that person, I really should go to the dinner'—it is so mentally draining.

Original transcript

[0:00] your brain is 12.5 times more likely to [0:02] believe my gesture over my words and [0:04] that's because it is very hard to lie [0:06] with our gestures for example you want [0:07] to do little experiment with me sure [0:08] okay I want you to say five but hold up [0:10] the number three five hard right yeah I [0:14] had to think about them separately this [0:15] is why Liars use less gestures but no [0:18] tool like that is critical if you're [0:19] trying to set yourself up for success [0:21] and we're going to go through all of [0:22] them oh yeah Vanessa van Edwards is a [0:24] behavioral investigator who science back [0:26] research from body language and micro [0:28] Expressions to vocal tones and first [0:30] Impressions has revolutionized the way [0:31] we build confidence and create more [0:32] authentic relationships in every social [0:34] and professional interaction I'm a [0:35] recovering awkward person and I thought [0:37] that Charisma was genetic and I didn't [0:38] know how to have conversations I didn't [0:40] even know how to have friends then I [0:42] discovered that highly successful people [0:44] speak a hidden language and that is the [0:46] language of cu's this directly from the [0:47] research they know that blueprints will [0:49] talk to anyone they know that if you sit [0:51] within 25 ft of a high performer your [0:54] own performance improves by 15% and that [0:56] there's a direct correlation between [0:58] confidence and anxiety and the distance [0:59] p shoulder and our ear Lo so interesting [1:02] they also know that 82% of our [1:03] impressions of people are based on [1:05] warmth and competence so if you worry [1:07] that people don't take you seriously you [1:08] have trouble getting raises you feel [1:10] anxious and overwhelmed I have five [1:12] power cues for competence but if you [1:14] have ever been told you're intimidated [1:15] hard to talk to I want you to use these [1:17] five warmth cues [1:19] first what about how to get a partner in [1:21] terms of cues and body language let's [1:23] start with a study that blew my mind [1:24] it's impossible to be attracted to [1:26] someone who that's so crazy just such a [1:29] small little [1:31] thing this has always blown my mind a [1:33] little bit 53% of you that listen to the [1:36] show regularly haven't yet subscribe to [1:38] the show so could I ask you for a favor [1:40] before we start if you like the show and [1:41] you like what we do here and you want to [1:42] support us the free simple way that you [1:44] can do just that is by hitting the [1:46] Subscribe button and my commitment to [1:48] you is if you do that then I'll do [1:49] everything in my power me and my team to [1:51] make sure that this show is better for [1:52] you every single week we'll listen to [1:54] your feedback we'll find the guest that [1:56] you want me to speak to and we'll [1:58] continue to do what we do thank you so [1:59] much [2:00] [Music] [2:02] much Vanessa van [2:05] Edwards for someone that's just clicked [2:07] on this conversation now and they're [2:09] wondering why they should stay and [2:11] listen to what we're going to talk about [2:12] what would you say to [2:14] them very highly successful people speak [2:17] a hidden language and that is the [2:19] language of cu's if you don't know how [2:22] to read the cues people are sending to [2:23] you if you don't know how to control the [2:25] cues you're sending to others you are [2:27] missing a crucial element of success [2:30] how do you quantify that in a way that I [2:33] know that it's true are there studies or [2:35] stats that reinforce what you've just [2:36] said 82% of our impressions of people [2:39] are based on warmth and [2:42] competence that means that if we can [2:44] control our warmth cues and our [2:46] competence cues we know we are taking [2:48] care of 82% of our impression and that [2:52] is critical to being more memorable to [2:53] being more confident having clearer [2:55] communication and taking that a bit [2:57] further what areas of my life will that [2:59] as impact so if I'm warm and I'm [3:01] competent which you're telling me are [3:02] things that I can control what are the [3:05] downstream consequences of that so I [3:07] think my mission is to tackle a big lie [3:10] and that is that smart people will [3:13] translate their book smarts into people [3:15] smarts but actually you're no matter how [3:19] smart you are if you do not know how to [3:21] communicate with people you can't [3:23] connect with people you can't have good [3:24] relationships you can't have supportive [3:26] friendships you get looped into [3:28] difficult people or toxic people you [3:30] have trouble getting raises or [3:31] promotions when you are able to control [3:34] your communication it helps you not be [3:36] overlooked not be misunderstood and that [3:38] affects your friendships your partner [3:40] your career and also helps you feel more [3:42] confident walking into a room and what [3:45] is your research based on are you a [3:47] researcher have you done sort of [3:48] first-party research yourself where were [3:51] you drawing from so I'm a recovering [3:52] awkward person so I used to believe that [3:56] you were either born with Charisma or [3:58] you weren't that Charisma was genetic [4:00] and in 2002 I discovered a study that [4:02] changed my life which said that Charisma [4:04] can be [4:05] learned this is when I started to tackle [4:09] to figure out okay if Charisma can be [4:10] learned how do we learn it how can we [4:12] learn blueprints for conversation how [4:14] can we learn Frameworks for how we [4:16] connect and how we socialize that's when [4:18] I started doing my own research so I'm a [4:20] behavioral researcher and a bestselling [4:21] author on communication and I specialize [4:24] and helping very brilliant very smart [4:26] awkward folks not be overlooked and give [4:30] me some sort of depth as to the amount [4:31] of research and the quantity of research [4:33] that you've done how many people you [4:34] studied how many hours of footage Etc [4:36] yep so I uh developed my first framework [4:39] about 12 years ago and we've helped [4:40] 400,000 students learn that framework [4:43] Master it and Conquer awkwardness or [4:45] feel more confident some of those folks [4:47] had very professional goals like getting [4:48] raised or promotion other folks were so [4:51] socially an anxious and so awkward they [4:52] couldn't make friends other people were [4:54] looking for their soulmate or their [4:55] partner and so 400,000 students have [4:58] told me that this framework Works nobody [5:01] teaches us this stuff [5:03] today or actually extroverts tend to [5:06] teach it so I read the quintessential [5:08] How to Win Friends and Influence People [5:09] back in the day and that's a wonderful [5:11] book but it's a book written by an [5:12] extrovert if you are not naturally [5:14] extroverted I'm not naturally [5:16] extroverted I'm more Amber verted it is [5:18] very hard to learn how to communicate if [5:20] you don't naturally gravitate towards [5:22] people I was like there has to be a way [5:24] to teach introverts and Everts to be [5:26] able to feel confident without having to [5:28] fake it till you make it [5:30] without having to pretend to be [5:31] extroverted or outgoing to be taken [5:33] seriously or to be [5:34] charismatic what's an Ambert so Amber [5:37] verts get energy from the right people [5:40] in the right places so for example in [5:42] this interview I love one-on-one [5:43] conversations I feel myself but if we [5:45] were to go to a loud bar or a nightclub [5:48] I would completely shut down and want to [5:49] be alone Amber verts can dial up [5:52] extroversion to hit their goals so if [5:53] they know they have to be friendly and [5:56] meet people for an interview or a [5:57] position they can do it but they need [5:59] lots of recharge time the reason why [6:01] it's important to know if you're an [6:02] Amber vert is because you should know [6:05] what are the people and places that [6:07] drain you there are certain people when [6:09] you open your calendar and you look at [6:10] it and you're like oh I have to be with [6:13] that person that is someone that drains [6:15] you they do not bring out your [6:17] extroversion or your natural love of [6:19] people there are also certain people who [6:20] you feel you could talk to for hours [6:23] they give you social energy they charge [6:25] your social battery so the very first [6:26] thing I have students do is sit and make [6:28] a list who are the people who give you [6:30] energy who charge you up who are the [6:32] people who take from you those are [6:34] people that we want to put boundaries [6:36] around we want to say no to we want to [6:37] limit as much as possible and then also [6:39] the places where do you thrive is it [6:41] conferences one-on-one business or is it [6:43] friends socializing parties knowing [6:45] those places helps you optimize your [6:47] social battery and when you say cues [6:49] which you said at the start of this [6:50] conversation people think of just body [6:52] language is that the sort of full extent [6:54] of areas that you focus on yes so there [6:56] so there cues come into four different [6:59] channels there is body language that's [7:01] facial expressions gestures posture but [7:03] there's also vocal so vocal cues are the [7:06] tone of our voice our Pace our volume [7:08] our Cadence there's also the words we [7:10] use obviously verbal cues the types of [7:12] words that I'm choosing to use are [7:13] signaling my warmth and competence to [7:15] you and the last the smallest channel is [7:17] our ornaments the colors we wear the [7:19] jewelry we wear the way we wear our hair [7:21] way we wear your facial hair those are [7:23] also signaling different things or [7:25] queuing people to feel a certain way [7:27] about you and what about what we say mhm [7:30] because I know you're writing a book [7:31] about I don't know if I can leak this [7:32] but here we go yeah can you're writing a [7:35] book about conversation so what we say [7:38] so I did not realize how powerful our [7:41] words are and here's a study that really [7:43] changed the way I think about this very [7:45] simple study they brought people into [7:46] the lab and they sold them up into two [7:48] different groups in one group they said [7:50] today you're going to play the community [7:52] game and they played kind of a prisoners [7:54] dilemma type of game the second group [7:56] they came into the same room the same [7:58] researcher they said good morning today [8:00] you're going to play the Wall Street [8:02] game the trick was the games were [8:04] exactly the same there was no difference [8:05] between the two games what they found [8:07] was everyone who was told they were [8:09] playing the Wall Street game shared an [8:11] average of one-third of their profits [8:14] everyone who was told they were playing [8:15] the community game shared an average of [8:17] two-thirds of their profits this means [8:20] that that one word Community game [8:22] Community made people think and feel [8:25] more about community and made them act [8:27] more collaboratively this means means [8:29] that the words we're using in our emails [8:31] our subjects our texts our LinkedIn [8:33] profile headlines are queuing people for [8:35] how they should treat us one really [8:38] simple way to think about this is your [8:39] calendar I send out calendar invites [8:42] multiple times a week to clients to [8:44] friends when we have meeting one-on-one [8:47] call video interview I'm being queed for [8:51] nothing those words are so overused [8:53] they're sterile if you add cues that [8:56] Prime people to feel or think a certain [8:58] way you're actually setting them up for [9:00] Success so 2025 wins collaborative [9:03] session strategy meeting goal meeting [9:06] goal overview teamwork collab session [9:09] those words are actually queuing that [9:11] person's brain every single time they [9:12] open their calendar that when we read [9:14] the a word like collaborate we are [9:16] literally more likely to be [9:18] collaborative so the words that we use [9:20] even one single word can actually change [9:22] the way people [9:23] think it's funny because our entire [9:25] lives are people like the difference [9:27] between me being a president prime [9:30] minister superb salesperson exceptional [9:33] entrepreneur is probably just my [9:35] understanding of other people and how I [9:36] show up in my words and my cues and so [9:39] when you think about it like that this [9:41] could be for many people the most [9:44] important subject for them to improve [9:47] upon I would even go further and say if [9:50] you don't have people skills you cannot [9:52] succeed you cannot succeed in life you [9:54] cannot succeed in love you cannot [9:56] succeed in business it doesn't matter [9:57] how smart you are you need people to [10:00] have success so this is I think the most [10:03] fundamental skill that people can invest [10:04] in and how many people did you say [10:06] you've taught people skills to 400,000 [10:08] students and is there a particular case [10:10] study that you stands out to you as [10:12] being the most extreme in terms of case [10:16] studying the fact that someone can go [10:17] from zero to a wonderful place yes and [10:21] it's my very brilliant but stoic [10:25] students so I've noticed especially over [10:28] the last 10 years I've been been doing [10:29] this for about 17 years in the last 10 [10:31] years especially my most extreme [10:34] students are the students who are very [10:35] very smart very talented and good at [10:37] what they do but they don't know what [10:39] cues to send and so they completely shut [10:41] down they try to become stoic unreadable [10:44] they try to have no facial expressions [10:46] they literally try to poke her face all [10:48] the time and as they try to make [10:51] connections made a partner make friends [10:53] people don't like them people don't [10:55] trust them they can't get bu to their [10:57] ideas and those are the students where I [10:59] see the biggest transformation they [11:01] don't realize that muting muting your [11:03] cu's is a danger zone que if you try to [11:07] be stoic and unreadable people literally [11:09] cannot get a read on you and so my [11:11] biggest Transformations have happened [11:12] when I can say you don't need to hide [11:15] your true feelings it's about amplifying [11:17] them with the right cues there's a [11:19] famous example of this uh Jamie simonoff [11:21] founder of ring so I don't know if you [11:23] ever watch Shark Tank yeah so in this [11:25] episode for those who haven't seen it [11:27] Jamie simoff entered the tank and [11:29] pitched a billion doll idea literally a [11:32] billion dollar idea because it went on [11:33] to raise funding from Sha and Richard [11:35] Branson but in the tank he pitches the [11:37] idea and he gets so much push back and [11:40] so much negotiation and he walks out of [11:41] the tank without a deal in fact the [11:43] Sharks did not like him what happened he [11:46] had the billion billion dollar idea but [11:48] he did not know how to share it this is [11:50] the biggest transformation I see is [11:52] people who have brilliant ideas they're [11:53] good people they're hardworking people [11:55] and they cannot get byy in they cannot [11:57] make friends they cannot find partners [11:59] how do they feel so if you had to say [12:01] words that make them feel seen right now [12:04] how are they feeling as they're [12:05] listening to this [12:07] overwhelmed getting into interaction [12:09] just social overthinking not knowing [12:11] what to do not knowing what to feel [12:13] underestimated like people don't see you [12:15] or the real potential that you have a [12:17] lack of confidence and fear afraid that [12:22] if you are your true self or you try any [12:24] of the things we're talking about people [12:25] won't like you and I want to teach you [12:28] that you can be yourself and you can be [12:30] liked and you can find your people and [12:32] that doesn't mean everyone's going to [12:33] like you but it means if you signal the [12:35] right things cues tell others how to [12:37] treat you if you signal the right cues [12:39] you will find your people one of the [12:41] things that I was sort of inferring from [12:43] what you said is the importance of [12:45] understanding your resting face [12:47] that's like the term we use in the UK [12:49] resting face which is like when [12:50] you're just listening or doing nothing [12:52] like how does your face look yes and [12:54] you're telling me that's really really [12:55] important it's real so I call it resting [12:58] bothered face [13:00] resting father face RBF same thing okay [13:03] this is a real phenomenon which is that [13:05] all of us have different faces at rest [13:08] now I want you to look at my face for a [13:09] second my face at rest I'm I'm going to [13:12] rest it for a second my mouth angles [13:14] down and sort of an upside on you so it [13:15] looks like this you see how these are [13:18] going down [13:19] yeah are you laughing at my you a little [13:22] bit okay so at rest I look a little sad [13:26] yeah that is just my mouth at rest yours [13:28] goes pretty straight across I just I [13:30] just you have a lot of hood that's what [13:32] that's called a lot of hood this is Hood [13:34] yes yes so that probably makes you do [13:36] people think you're angry or tired both [13:38] both okay people never call me angry [13:40] they call me sad you need to look in the [13:41] mirror and figure out what is the [13:43] default of your face if you're mouth [13:45] angles down into a frown people are [13:46] going to think you're sad you're going [13:47] to have to be counteracting that with [13:49] your cues if you have a lot of hood [13:51] above your eyes or you have these two [13:52] vertical lines that appear between your [13:54] eyebrows you actually don't have them [13:55] but if some of people at rest even had [13:56] those two lines people are going to [13:58] think you're angry or frustrated if you [14:00] have down eyes so I don't know if you [14:02] noticed but my I have cat I've added Cat [14:04] makeup to my eye ah yes yes that [14:05] actually makes me look less less sad [14:08] because also my eyes slope a little bit [14:09] down at the end which makes me look sad [14:12] okay so people often are like are you [14:14] okay are you tired I'm like no that's [14:16] just my face so I have ways that I [14:19] counteract it one I get to use makeup [14:21] which is a a great thing but second I [14:23] know that I need to make my face a [14:26] little bit more up right so when I am in [14:29] ING with someone when I'm on video when [14:30] I'm interview I typically rest my face [14:32] in an upward position I've activated [14:33] these muscles so don't I look happier [14:35] you do but you have have you got to [14:37] consciously tell yourself to do that or [14:38] do you just always remember no I have to [14:40] consciously tell myself to do that now I [14:42] only need to do that with people with a [14:43] first impression or when I'm trying to [14:45] make a good impression my team knows [14:47] that I'm not sad right like my team they [14:49] see me all the time they see without [14:50] makeup they know that I'm not sad they [14:51] know that's just my face so here's [14:52] what's critical one you should know what [14:54] is your resting default are you looking [14:57] sad angry or afraid I afraid I didn't do [15:00] so if you have um you actually have some [15:02] I'm so sorry oh you're I'm so sorry I'm [15:04] so sorry you have these lines some in [15:06] the one of my team just left in the back [15:08] so you have them just right here these [15:10] light lines here so um when we're afraid [15:13] we go and we raise our eyebrows up and [15:15] our you can't see it because I have [15:17] Botox on my forehead but um if you yeah [15:19] there you go there you go that's no no [15:20] open your eyes and go that's afraid so [15:23] the more you have those lines and the [15:25] whites of your eyes appear like have you [15:26] ever seen someone kind of walk around [15:27] like a deer in the headlights yeah they [15:29] make you feel anxious like if I were to [15:30] do my entire interview a little bit [15:32] wide-eyed you would not only feel [15:33] anxious but you wouldn't believe what I [15:34] was saying so you all should see if you [15:36] have this default lines or if the whites [15:37] of your eyes show look at your profile [15:39] pictures in your profile pictures here [15:41] are the three biggest mistakes you will [15:42] make one they're showing for your eyes [15:46] yeah yeah so people you are signaling [15:50] accidentally anxiety so try to make sure [15:52] you're not showing the upper whites [15:54] second mistake you will do is they make [15:55] a contempt micro expression so that's [15:59] one-sided mouth raise so just do a [16:00] one-sided mouth raise for me does it [16:02] make you kind of feel like better don't [16:04] do it for too long so if you do it at [16:05] home you'll there's a facial feedback [16:07] hypothesis when you make these faces it [16:09] actually triggers the emotion just like [16:10] when you have the emotion it triggers [16:12] the face there's a loop that happens so [16:14] if people make the contempt expression [16:17] one said in mouth rais not only do they [16:19] look scornful kind of disdained they [16:21] actually begin to feel better then and [16:23] scornful so do not do an asymmetrical [16:25] smile in your profile picture you are [16:27] accidentally signaling NE negativity the [16:30] third biggest mistake you will make is [16:32] they uh you do an inauthentic smile in [16:34] their picture the only true indicator of [16:37] Happiness is when these cheek muscles [16:39] are activated anyone can fake smile this [16:41] is what mine looks [16:43] like but you see people do it right yeah [16:47] I do it yeah and people know I would [16:49] rather you not no CU I I just don't have [16:51] a good smile what look like what I am I [16:55] going to say no it's it's horrible is do [16:58] you know I don't have your smile I [16:59] literally have to do this when I take [17:02] facez that's my smile I can't do the te [17:05] thing I try to what am I going to do [17:07] well you can smile without your teeth as [17:08] long as it hits your upper cheek muscle [17:09] so try just try this for me put your uh [17:11] pen or your finger in between your mouth [17:12] like this and smile as high as you can [17:15] go oh that's better that reaches all the [17:17] way up into your eyes do you see oh no [17:19] not that looks so much better okay if [17:22] you can activate these muscles in your [17:24] profile picture you don't have to walk [17:25] around like that but if you can act not [17:27] the fear not the fear just here just [17:30] here if you can activate these muscles [17:32] in your profile picture it shows [17:33] authentic happiness or don't smile at [17:35] all I hate the [17:37] advice just smile more fake Smiles do [17:41] not work Dr Barbara wild studied this [17:43] she took pictures of people thinking of [17:45] something they were authentically happy [17:47] about took a picture of them smiling [17:48] then she told them to fake smile and [17:50] took a picture of them on the surface [17:51] you really couldn't tell the difference [17:52] between the two smiles they looked very [17:54] similar but she had participants take [17:56] mood tests then look at the picture look [17:59] at one picture or the other group a [18:00] group b people who saw the positive [18:03] picture had an improved mood they caught [18:06] the happiness from the photo people who [18:08] looked at the fake smile had no mood [18:10] change this means I would rather you [18:12] have no smile at all or be neutral than [18:14] fake smile but if you can smile in your [18:16] picture it is so great for authentic [18:19] happiness it sounds like it might be [18:22] quite exhausting for some people because [18:24] I think some people although they [18:26] they're happy they feel good they're [18:28] nice people [18:29] they do have that resting bothered face [18:31] I think you called it and there's other [18:33] people that I know that just kind of [18:34] walk through life with this like resting [18:36] smile yeah like we can all think of that [18:38] person that's just like always happy [18:39] yeah and then there's these other people [18:41] who are like objectively happy too but [18:42] they just have that resting bed face so [18:44] it feels like life is going to be more [18:45] exhausting for those people you know I [18:47] think it's about choosing your heart [18:49] right it is hard it is exhausting for me [18:52] to show up to a meeting when I'm in a [18:53] good mood and have someone be like are [18:55] you sad and tired are you okay I'm like [18:58] I'm fine I find that exhausting is it [19:01] also a little exhausting to make sure [19:02] that in my first impression I'm being a [19:05] little bit more up with my face open [19:06] eyes wide and open mouth a little less [19:09] exhausting than that so I think you have [19:10] to choose what are the cues you're going [19:12] to purposefully add there are 97 cues [19:14] I've narrow down 97 that I think are the [19:16] most important you get to make your own [19:18] recipe you don't have to do all the cues [19:20] if smiling is not your thing smiling is [19:23] not essential for being charismatic when [19:25] we talk about being charismatic it's [19:27] about being warm and competent [19:29] and you have 97 cues to choose from to [19:31] make that warmth and competence recipe [19:33] and so you don't have to be a bubbly [19:35] extrovert to be charismatic you can be a [19:37] quiet powerful introvert you can be a [19:39] compassionate empathetic healer those [19:42] look different and so I think it's less [19:44] exhausting to find your recipe and to [19:47] use those cues a lot like there are [19:48] certain cues in my book that I teach [19:49] that I don't use they just don't feel [19:50] natural to me but there are other cues [19:52] where I'm like I really like this has [19:55] anyone ever done any really compelling [19:56] studies on this idea of resting [19:58] face or resting bothered face as you [19:59] call it there is research on resting [20:01] bothered face and there are certain [20:03] people who when people see pictures of [20:06] their face at rest they assume a mood [20:08] change in other words when there are [20:10] certain people at rest where you look at [20:11] them they look neutral but there are [20:12] certain a certain percent of the [20:13] population when you look at them they [20:14] look angry sad or afraid so it's real [20:18] people you look at and they look happy [20:19] and make you happy very few people have [20:21] happy resting face though you either [20:23] look neutral or bothered so you said you [20:25] were a recovering awkward person yes [20:28] take me into what you were like oh and [20:30] what do you mean when you say awkward [20:31] person I really wanted to go it alone I [20:34] was really overwhelmed by people and [20:36] interactions I didn't know what to do [20:37] with my hands I didn't know what to say [20:39] I felt like I missed a memo that [20:42] everyone got on [20:43] conversation I always felt like I was [20:45] saying the wrong things I had all these [20:46] awkward silences and then what would [20:48] happen is I would try to overcompensate [20:50] by sharing a ridiculous story or talking [20:52] too much or completely shutting down and [20:54] I kind of like wavered between [20:56] completely shutting down and being [20:58] overwhelmed and talking too much and [21:00] saying too much and just verbal vomiting [21:02] all over everyone and so I shut down and [21:05] in college especially I just felt so [21:07] left out I just felt so lonely and I [21:10] don't know if anyone watching is feeling [21:12] lonely I thought it was all my fault I [21:15] was like I miss the memo I don't know [21:17] how to have conversations I don't even [21:19] know how to have friends that's what it [21:22] felt like that I desperately wanted to [21:25] make connections but I had no idea how [21:28] to level up a new person to a [21:31] friendship I had no idea how that path [21:33] happened I had no idea how to have a [21:35] conversation with someone share [21:37] something real and then have a real [21:39] interaction back and so it was really [21:41] lonely and [21:42] overwhelming and what was the cist for [21:44] you to go on this journey I was in [21:47] college and there was a group paper [21:50] assigned and you had like five people [21:52] and everyone had to do five pages and I [21:54] went to the professor and I said I will [21:56] write double the amount of pages if I [21:58] can work by [22:00] myself and he was like Vanessa the point [22:03] of the paper is not the paper it's [22:05] working with the people and I was like [22:08] and I started to cry in his office I was [22:10] like that student I was like I I don't [22:12] know how and he was like Vanessa you're [22:14] very good at science you're very good at [22:17] breaking things down what if you studied [22:19] for people like you study for [22:22] chemistry that was like an aam for me he [22:25] said why don't you study good [22:27] conversation why don't you study the [22:29] popular kids why don't you look at what [22:30] are they doing in conversation that's [22:32] working study it like it's a science [22:35] hence my brand was called science of [22:37] people that's when I realized okay it [22:39] didn't come naturally to me but maybe [22:41] there's research on actual things I can [22:43] do with my body things I can do I can [22:45] say verbally questions that work that [22:47] will help me learn this the other way [22:49] turning soft skills into hard skills [22:51] that's when I started creating my first [22:53] conversational blueprints that's when I [22:54] started creating my conversation formula [22:57] it and it started to work IED started to [22:58] try out these kind of tiny experiments [23:01] and I actually started to feel like [23:03] myself make more friends it was tools I [23:06] had to use tools to be able to connect [23:08] because it did not come naturally to me [23:11] was it fixed from day one no so it was a [23:14] journey it was a real journey yeah I [23:16] think that's important because often [23:17] people think you know read the book get [23:19] the tips and tricks and you're you're [23:21] changed and you're fixed you talk about [23:23] I think later in your life where you [23:25] enter a dinner party and your husband uh [23:28] was there with you and you went home and [23:29] told him that you thought everyone was [23:30] angry at you yeah when was that that was [23:34] probably maybe four or five years later [23:36] okay so I started mostly with [23:38] conversation that was sort of my my [23:40] first tool I needed was questions I [23:42] wanted to ask first impressions and how [23:44] to close conversation very practically I [23:46] also realized about five years later my [23:49] I married my college sweetheart so I've [23:50] been with my husband for a long time and [23:52] he said to me you always think [23:54] everyone's angry at you I was like isn't [23:57] everyone angry at me [23:59] and I realized there are certain people [24:01] who misinterpret neutral facial [24:03] expressions as negative I have this [24:06] problem so I will see a neutral [24:08] expression on someone and assume they [24:10] are angry or afraid or stressed or don't [24:12] like me and that was creating this [24:14] really bad Loop because when you think [24:16] someone doesn't like you you shut down [24:18] and become more unlikable there was a [24:20] study I discovered right around this [24:21] time um this is done by uh Dr Van Sloan [24:25] he wanted to know what makes popular [24:27] kids popular very clever study he [24:30] studied thousands of high school [24:31] students across a variety of high [24:32] schools looking for patterns why is it [24:35] that some kids across these grades and [24:37] ages are really popular he had all the [24:39] kids ranked across all these schools he [24:41] had them looked at traits and then he [24:42] guessed what made the popular kids [24:44] popular were they more athletic were [24:46] they more attractive were they funnier [24:47] were they smarter what was it can you [24:50] guess what it [24:55] was uh I'm so I'm just basing this on [24:58] the kids that were popular in my school [25:01] um they were funnier they were [25:03] self-deprecating to some degree they [25:05] were good at they were remotely good at [25:09] some sports maybe um they were funny [25:13] happy I don't know what so he found that [25:16] the most popular kids AC the one single [25:19] variable that was hold held true across [25:21] all the different students was the most [25:23] popular kids had the longest list of [25:25] people they liked so when he asked one [25:28] of the the questions of the survey was [25:29] who do you like they had the longest [25:32] lists and when he looked at their [25:34] day-to-day they had micro moments of [25:37] liking they would go down the hallway [25:39] and be like hey Chad hey Chelsea hey [25:43] Sarah they liked so many people and that [25:46] in turn made them more likable this [25:49] showed me that being likable isn't AR [25:52] control being likable means you have to [25:55] be first Liker if you set out to like [25:57] more people you become more [26:00] likable and that was a really big shift [26:02] for me because for so long I thought it [26:04] was all about me it's a very selfish way [26:06] to be right I was like I better be [26:07] impressive I better be funny but [26:09] actually what makes us likable is just [26:11] liking as many people as possible I was [26:14] laughing as you're speaking because I [26:15] was just playing out all the different [26:16] sort of personas of people listening [26:18] right now yeah and I just had this one [26:19] Persona of the person sat at home who [26:21] just like slumped over because they [26:22] realized they hate [26:24] everybody when you said that they were [26:25] like I hate everybody look I get it [26:28] I get it I get it and I also think that [26:30] if you hate everyone if that's you let [26:32] me try to convince you for a second it [26:34] could be because you're asking the wrong [26:36] questions okay I think I fell into that [26:38] camp I don't need people I don't like [26:41] people I was very much in that camp for [26:43] the first couple of years why because I [26:45] had terrible interactions and terrible [26:47] conversations and it was awkward of [26:48] course I didn't like people but I was [26:49] also asking the wrong questions and I [26:51] was telling the wrong stories I was [26:52] trying to be impressive the best way to [26:55] be impressive to be likable is to help [26:57] people impress you is to make them feel [27:00] so liked that they begin to like you [27:02] back it's aggressively liking so that [27:06] means that when you're with someone you [27:07] should be constantly giving them verbal [27:09] and non-verbal assurances of how much [27:11] you want to like them watch them change [27:14] watch your relationships transform so I [27:17] make it a policy of aggressively liking [27:19] people so I have um three phrase Magic [27:22] phrases for like ability can I teach [27:24] them to you please okay so I want you to [27:25] use these as many times as you can three [27:27] magic phrases for like ability one I was [27:29] just thinking of you okay so here's how [27:32] you use this authentically right you [27:34] think of a lot of people in your life [27:36] all the time yeah if you are thinking of [27:38] someone and you can text them text them [27:40] I was just thinking of you how are you I [27:42] was just thinking of you how'd that [27:43] project go I was just thinking of you it [27:45] has been a while since we talked or and [27:47] better you see a movie you see a [27:49] documentary you see a Macha latte you [27:51] see a mug you see a ceramic candle and [27:53] you're like oh this made me think of you [27:56] so my text messages my convers are full [27:59] of actual moments where I was triggered [28:01] to think of that person actually that [28:03] this thing made me think of you or I was [28:05] just thinking of you I wanted to ask you [28:07] about if you don't think of someone [28:09] they're not a person you need to have in [28:11] your life okay so that's number one [28:13] that's number I want to pause on number [28:14] one because I've got some sort of [28:15] questions to ask here yes it sounds [28:17] exhausting it sounds like it's going to [28:19] cost me a lot of time that I don't [28:20] necessarily have and this is just my [28:22] like my Surface level reaction was oh [28:24] God another [28:26] job you know what I mean I just I like [28:29] if I've got to set aside an hour to like [28:30] text everyone I know and go I'm just [28:32] thinking of you it's gonna be exhausting [28:34] I've got like six friends and I've got [28:35] my my partner I got my family and my [28:38] team it's a lot it's a lot then just [28:40] them and also it doesn't take an hour [28:42] when you're like oh stainless steel mug [28:44] this made me think of you right like [28:46] you're only doing it when it's actually [28:48] naturally occurring to you I don't want [28:50] you to sit at your desk and be like I'm [28:52] due for some I was just thinking of yous [28:54] no this happens in the wild okay you're [28:56] watching a documentary you're at a [28:58] restaurant you're on the bus you're like [29:00] oh that reminds me of this person quick [29:02] text that is less work than missing an [29:06] old friend and not knowing what to say [29:09] it is less work to see something in real [29:11] life or have a thought of like I wonder [29:12] how Sarah is and reaching out to them [29:15] then I Miss Sarah but I'm not going to [29:17] reach out to [29:18] her it's also less work when you see [29:20] someone and you haven't seen them in a [29:21] while or they're a friend of a friend or [29:23] they're that casual coworker [29:25] relationship and you're like what do I [29:26] say I think it's a lot of work to go up [29:28] to that person and be like how was your [29:31] weekend I think that's a lot of work I [29:33] think boring small talk is a lot of work [29:35] if you actually thought of them to say [29:37] you know I know you love Dolphins I saw [29:39] this dolphin documentary on Netflix have [29:40] you seen it I was just thinking of you [29:42] made me think of you I got another [29:43] concern so if I if I start firing out [29:46] these WhatsApp messages telling people [29:48] when I'm thinking of them it's just [29:49] going to be it's going to be opening up [29:50] loads of conversations that I then have [29:52] to deal with do you know what I mean [29:53] like it's going to be like hey I was [29:54] just thinking of you and then they reply [29:55] they go oh how how are you and I go I'm [29:57] good thanks and then they go I go how [29:59] are you they go I'm good thanks and then [30:01] do you know what I mean and then they [30:02] ask me I don't believe in asking how are [30:05] you that's a whole another thing this is [30:07] a good test if you are worried that [30:10] they're going to start a conversation [30:11] that's going to bore you and feel like [30:12] work they're not a close friend so don't [30:15] text them okay it's a very good test if [30:18] there's someone where you're like I [30:20] don't really want to hear how they are [30:21] yeah them okay this is for the people [30:24] who you want to level up with there are [30:26] three levels of intim [30:29] people who you kind of know you know [30:30] their personal you know their General [30:32] traits where they work where they live [30:33] what they do that's it you don't want to [30:35] go any different with them level two [30:37] people are people where they know your [30:38] personal concerns you know their goals [30:40] their motivations their personality [30:41] traits their worries those are people [30:43] who you want to invest in then there's a [30:45] last level which is the most deep level [30:47] which is called self-narrative which is [30:48] the story We Tell ourselves about [30:50] ourselves if you categorize your [30:52] relationships another activity I love [30:53] for my students to do is make those [30:55] three levels on a piece of paper write [30:57] down the 20 people you can think of the [30:59] top 20 people you spend the most time [31:01] with where they fall so we have [31:03] acquaintances we have acquaintances who [31:05] just kind of know where you're from what [31:06] do you do the B people yeah right and by [31:09] the way some of the people who you're [31:10] close with might you might not be deep [31:12] with yeah true right level two personal [31:15] concerns could they tell you what is [31:17] your Steven biggest goal right now okay [31:19] and then the middle layer I didn't [31:21] understand that's the middle layer that [31:22] that's the miday so it's General traits [31:24] personal concerns self-narrative what's [31:26] self-narrative so this is what my my [31:28] next book is about I'm doing research on [31:29] it right now self-narrative is story you [31:31] tell yourself about yourself so is this [31:33] a group of people it's the levels of [31:36] intimacy you are with someone so would [31:37] your partner okay [31:40] know the story you tell yourself about [31:42] yourself I'll give you an example 100% [31:44] she would I think so so I think that [31:47] there are basically three main types of [31:49] narratives and you should know what [31:51] these are for the closest people in your [31:52] life maybe only two or three and you [31:53] should also know what it is for yourself [31:55] the best one is a hero narrative this is [31:58] I've worked really hard I've had some [32:01] challenges and mistakes but I've [32:02] overcome with hard work and smarts and [32:04] now I am where I am every version of [32:06] their story their career their life [32:08] their relationships is that same [32:10] narrative over and over again then [32:13] there's what I think is called the [32:14] Healer narrative again I'm doing [32:15] research on this from an next book the [32:16] Healer narrative their story is all [32:18] about helping others they typically are [32:20] in careers of service of helping others [32:24] physical therapists nurses Healthcare [32:27] their story is how can I be more helpful [32:29] they tend to have a problem though if [32:30] you're in a relationship with a with a [32:31] Healer is they always put other people's [32:33] needs before them themselves they're do [32:36] they have some kind of historic trauma [32:38] they can and a lot of the times they [32:40] were put in a position of caretaking too [32:42] early like they were told that you're of [32:45] value if you can caretake you're of [32:47] value if you put your needs last so they [32:49] tend to be people Pleasers they tend to [32:51] say yes to everything you have to be [32:52] careful if you work with a Healer [32:54] because they're great to work with they [32:55] help help help but they say yes to too [32:57] much so uh healer is the middle one the [32:59] last one is victim narrative victim [33:02] narrative no matter what personal [33:04] professional love life taxes they have [33:06] the same narrative I experienced [33:09] challenges and mistakes and I didn't [33:11] overcome no matter how hard I work no [33:13] matter how smart I am the world is [33:14] against me so question I ask people to [33:17] begin to uncover their self- narrative [33:19] is do you feel lucky do you feel lucky I [33:22] feel very lucky I also feel very lucky [33:25] people who have a resounding yes to I [33:27] feel lucky are more likely heroes or or [33:30] healers people who say I don't feel [33:32] lucky I feel very unlucky are typically [33:34] victims Dr Richard wisman did a study he [33:37] asked people to perceive their own luck [33:39] how lucky do you feel then he gave them [33:42] a challenge he gave them a newspaper and [33:43] he said I want you to count the amount [33:45] of images in this [33:46] newspaper they sat with the newspaper [33:48] and they counted all the images but [33:49] there was a trick there's always a trick [33:51] in these studies on the second page of [33:53] the newspaper in big print it said stop [33:56] counting there are 42 Imes in this [33:58] newspaper almost all of the people who [34:01] perceived themselves as lucky saw the ad [34:03] closed the paper and gave it back so [34:05] there are 42 images almost none of the [34:07] Unlucky people did The Unlucky people [34:11] missed the ad and kept counting spent a [34:13] lot of time and made more mistakes this [34:15] means that if you think of yourself as [34:17] lucky you literally see more [34:20] opportunities if you think of yourself [34:23] as unlucky you miss them is it possible [34:25] to change how you see yourself I do [34:28] believe in a growth mindset so I do [34:30] believe that if you if this is [34:32] resonating with you and like you're like [34:33] uh oh I feel unlucky I might have this [34:36] victim self-narrative I do believe it's [34:38] possible to change your perception of [34:41] yourself and that's starting with small [34:43] moments of heroism I think that changing [34:46] your people skills saying I don't like [34:48] people and saying I'm going to find a [34:50] way to like people saying I'm bad at [34:52] conversation I'm going to find a way to [34:53] be good at conversation to say I'm an [34:54] awkward person no I'm a recovering [34:56] awkward person if we can begin to take [34:58] those tiny experiments and change them [35:00] one by one we begin to have small [35:02] moments of heroism and that's how we [35:03] change our self narrative as Employer I [35:06] think about this a lot these sort of [35:07] verbal and non-verbal cues I actually I [35:09] had an interview some time ago and I [35:11] think I came out of the interview and I [35:13] think objectively the person might have [35:15] been qualified but there was something [35:17] about their energy or cues or something [35:21] that signaled something else to me that [35:22] they were an unhappy person or they were [35:26] tired or they didn't really want to be [35:27] here or something like that are there [35:29] any studies that confirm that our hidden [35:33] communication is driving our success in [35:36] the working environment yes so this [35:39] study blew my mind it's 58,000 working [35:42] hours over 11 different companies so a [35:45] huge am amount of data they wanted to [35:48] know if low performers infect the people [35:51] around them and if High performers [35:53] infect people around them what they [35:55] found was if you sit within 25 F feet of [35:58] a high performer your own performance [36:01] improves by [36:03] 15% here's the kicker if you sit within [36:06] 25 ft of a low performer your own [36:09] performance decreases by [36:12] 30% this means that our negative [36:14] emotions are more contagious that if [36:16] you're around people who are low [36:18] performers whatever that means to you [36:20] who have negative cues who are feeling [36:22] anxious or tired or low confident you [36:24] could catch those cues and that affects [36:26] your own performance [36:28] this is why it is incredibly critical to [36:31] invest in the five people who you spend [36:32] the most time with you want to make sure [36:34] those five people are the cues you want [36:36] to catch do you like the cues they're [36:38] sending do they give you the right [36:40] motivation feelings do they make you [36:42] feel like do they make you a better [36:43] version of [36:44] yourself there's there's just one more [36:47] chemical aspect of this which we have to [36:49] do more research [36:50] on this is a very gross study but it's [36:53] one of my favorites it's a little gross [36:55] you ready okay so they brought people [36:58] into their lab they so them up into two [36:59] different groups and they made the first [37:01] group wear a sweat suit where they catch [37:03] your sweat and run on the treadmill so [37:05] they sweat a lot on the treadmill the [37:06] second group they wore sweatsuits and [37:07] they took them skydiving for the first [37:09] time both groups sweat a lot treadmill [37:12] sweat and skydiving sweat they took [37:15] these sweat samples and they had [37:17] unsuspecting participants go into fmri [37:19] machines and scan their brains then they [37:21] gave them both sweat samples to smell [37:24] poor these poor people did not didn't [37:26] know what they were smelling they went [37:26] it [37:28] everyone who smelled the skydiving sweat [37:31] had an activation in their own amydala [37:33] their own fear response triggered [37:35] another words when they smelled fear [37:37] sweat they didn't know why they began to [37:39] feel afraid everyone who smelled the [37:41] treadmill sweat had no change at all [37:44] this means that yes we can talk about [37:46] facial expressions and body language and [37:47] vocal cues and words but there's also [37:49] something chemically happening with the [37:52] people around us that we can literally [37:53] smell fear and we catch it and that is [37:56] also why it's really important to follow [37:58] our gut oh dear I was going to say well [38:01] then we're all screwed aren't we we [38:02] can't we can't do anything because [38:04] there's if we're giving off these [38:05] chemicals which are impacting those [38:07] around us it doesn't matter if I smile [38:09] and do the whole like no because I think [38:12] intention is the back door into [38:14] confidence it's very hard to fake [38:16] confidence I don't believe in fake it [38:17] till you make it I don't really but if I [38:19] say I have a conversational tool for you [38:21] that's going to make your conversations [38:22] better you become less nervous you [38:25] become more excited you ask a better [38:27] question they give you a really good [38:28] answer you feel super charismatic they [38:30] feel really liked you feel real likable [38:32] oh we have a good little cycle so I [38:35] think that intention going in with [38:37] really purposeful cues helps you feel [38:39] more confident and triggers these [38:41] beautiful Cycles the cycle is this the [38:43] cycle you're talking about the Q cycle [38:45] the Q cycle yes I'll put it on the [38:47] screen and in the description for anyone [38:48] that wants to see it but when I saw this [38:50] the reason I printed this off is because [38:52] it really hit close to home because I'm [38:54] someone that meets a lot of people and [38:56] um when I meet people people there on [38:58] the very rare occasion something about [39:00] someone will just kind of throw my [39:01] energy and it throws my energy to the [39:03] point that I realize I'm then acting a [39:05] little bit in terms of my interaction [39:07] with them and it's almost like I can't [39:08] control it like something about the [39:10] person has unnerved me or just made and [39:13] it's nothing that I could consciously [39:14] tell you like say it was the way they [39:16] shook my hand just something about them [39:18] yeah throws me into this different state [39:20] yeah um and when I saw this I I I almost [39:23] figured out why because the first step [39:25] in this Q you you explain it I mean it's [39:27] your Q cycle yes okay so we often [39:31] mistakenly think that we send a signal [39:34] to someone else they send a signal back [39:35] to us and that's it we don't realize as [39:38] there's a cycle happening within us [39:39] which is that if you send me a negative [39:41] q i internalize it and that changes the [39:44] cues I'm sending back to you here's a [39:46] very simple experiment that showed this [39:48] they put a participant in a room and [39:50] they had an actor in the room flashed [39:53] them a fe a social rejection cue that [39:56] could be [39:58] an eye roll a scoff a distancing and [40:01] blocking Behavior so the participants in [40:03] the room and this person across from [40:05] them they don't know as an actor sends [40:06] them a social rejection cue what they [40:09] found was the moment that participant [40:11] saw the social rejection queue their own [40:14] pupils dilated and their field of vision [40:17] increased this means that somebody saw [40:20] uhoh that person doesn't like me and [40:23] their body reacted to fight ORF flight [40:25] do does anyone else feel this way about [40:27] me [40:28] are there any Escape Routes for me and [40:30] that then changed what cues they sent [40:31] back to that person they were more [40:33] anxious they were more nervous if you [40:35] walk into a room with someone and you're [40:36] feeling bad you probably caught a queue [40:39] here's the good news you can stop the Q [40:42] cycle from being negative there's also [40:43] positive cues right we can catch [40:45] positive cues that can be good for us [40:46] but we can stop the negative cycle if we [40:48] label the queue we see Dr Matthew [40:51] liberman at UCLA studied this very [40:52] clearly he put people in fmri machines [40:54] and he flashed them a fear micro [40:56] expression the one that you showed us [40:57] earlier with your eyes really wide when [41:00] people saw the fear micro expression [41:01] they caught the fear they began to feel [41:03] afraid and their amdal it up but when he [41:05] taught them say fear or think fear he [41:09] taught them the micro expression it [41:11] stopped activating their amydala meaning [41:14] if you know how to read the 97 cues and [41:16] you see contempt or social rejection or [41:18] a mouth shrug or a lip purse all not [41:21] great cues you can in your head say lip [41:23] purse I'm good or clocked noted that [41:27] Intel is actually empowering so that [41:29] back door into confidence is also you [41:31] can label it name it tame it and you're [41:33] in control of it that is a much better [41:36] way to interact and also can help you [41:37] like people for all my people who don't [41:39] like people okay so in those moments I [41:41] should in my head just say what lab [41:44] clocked yeah that's what I say to myself [41:46] or like red flag or noted you're in [41:50] you're particularly famous for a TED [41:52] Talk that you did yeah which did very [41:53] very well um it was called you are [41:56] contagious and it really opened my eyes [41:59] to the importance of hand gestures yes [42:02] which I didn't really think were that [42:03] important before but it's funny because [42:05] going through this election cycle [42:07] obviously Trump has now been elected as [42:08] the next president of the United States [42:10] He is someone in particular that uses a [42:12] lot of hand gestures and in your Ted [42:14] Talk you make the case that hand [42:15] gestures matter oh so much I think the [42:19] hands of the windows into the soul I [42:22] think what we underestimate is the power [42:24] of our gestures love it just love it [42:26] just those jazz just jazz hands so [42:28] here's I want to do a little experiment [42:29] with you so I'm going to put my hands in [42:31] my lap I've been very careful to leave [42:32] my hands on the table for the entire [42:34] interview that's on purpose now [42:37] something funny happens in your brain [42:38] when you can't see my hands and the [42:40] longer my hands are underneath the table [42:41] the more your amydala will begin to Fire [42:43] and the more distracted you become with [42:45] where are her hands why are her hands [42:47] under the table and the moment I bring [42:49] my hands back out again your brain [42:51] goes and that is because hands show [42:54] intention and this makes sense from an [42:55] evolutionary perspective so if we go [42:57] back to caveman days if we were [42:58] approached by a stranger caveman and [43:00] they went friend friend friend friend [43:02] friend friend we saw they weren't [43:03] carrying a rock or a spear and they were [43:05] probably a friend in fact when we go so [43:07] nice to meet you we can see someone's [43:08] hand we know that they're literally not [43:10] going to harm us so our brain still [43:12] keeps this mechanism that if we're on [43:14] video and we can't see someone's hands [43:15] or they walk into an office with their [43:17] hands in their pockets or behind their [43:18] back we feel a little bit uneasy so [43:21] there's two things for this first is the [43:23] moment someone first sees you you want [43:25] to be friend friend friend good to see [43:27] see you oh so nice to meet you what put [43:28] your hand up for people that can't see [43:30] the moment I walk into a room hey nice [43:31] to see you even before I handshake even [43:33] an old friend I'll be like oh my gosh so [43:35] good to see you on Zoom morning for [43:38] people for people that can't see she's [43:39] basically putting her hand in the air [43:41] which like a little wave W Little Wave [43:43] we love a palm as humans we love seeing [43:46] someone's Palm there's something about [43:47] it that makes us feel like ah they are [43:48] literally open palmed so that's the [43:50] first in the first few seconds of [43:51] someone seeing you in person on video [43:54] try to flash your palm very very simply [43:57] second we understand competence in two [44:01] ways very highly competent people know [44:04] their content so well they can speak to [44:06] you on two tracks they can speak to you [44:08] verbally but they also can speak to you [44:10] with their hands this is why we loved [44:12] picture books as kids and so when [44:14] someone is speaking we're listening to [44:15] their words but second we're looking are [44:17] their hands outlining their words so for [44:20] example all the best TED Talks start the [44:22] same way and this is what got me my TED [44:24] Talk is we studied all the TED talks [44:27] from 2010 looking for patterns and my [44:30] team and I coded every Ted Talk we can [44:33] find looking for differences between the [44:35] most viral TED talks and the least viral [44:37] viral TED Talks we found the most viral [44:40] Ted speakers used an average an average [44:43] of 465 hand gestures in 18 minutes [44:47] whereas the least popular Ted talkers [44:49] use an average of 271 gestures so not [44:53] quite half meaning if someone walks on [44:56] stage here's a a really good Ted Talk [44:57] they all start this way you [44:59] ready today I want to talk to you about [45:02] a big idea we're going to share three [45:05] different things that are going to [45:06] change your life so for people listening [45:09] I was outlining with my hands along with [45:12] my words if I were to get on stage and [45:14] say today I have a really big idea it's [45:17] huge and hold up my hands in a really [45:18] small way your brain is 12.5 times more [45:21] likely to believe my gesture over my [45:23] words and so what we can do as speakers [45:26] as very highly charismatic speakers is [45:28] think about how can I outline very [45:31] basically not modern dance what I'm [45:33] saying or how can I emphasize things [45:35] with my gestures if something is Big [45:36] Show me is it beach ball big is it what [45:40] is this big donkey big is this a donkey [45:42] I don't even know yeah big a goat a goat [45:45] this is a goat Pig if you have something [45:47] that's really small and no big deal [45:49] doing this actually helps you think that [45:51] it's not a big deal I'm making a little [45:52] kind of dismissive gesture with my hand [45:54] this also works with emphasizing points [45:57] you want people to remember if you have [45:58] three ideas tell someone you have three [46:00] ideas it is very hard to lie with our [46:02] gestures for example you want to do [46:03] experiment with me sure okay I want you [46:05] to say five but hold up the number [46:08] three five hard right yeah so it's [46:12] really hard I have to think about them [46:14] separately yeah it's really hard our [46:16] brain is not meant to lie with gesture [46:18] which is why humans pay so close [46:20] attention to gestures because we're [46:22] looking to see are they congruent it is [46:24] so hard to be in congruent with gestures [46:26] Liars typically use less gestures so [46:29] we're also drawn to people who are using [46:31] gestures who are congruent with their [46:33] gestures because it makes us feel like [46:34] oh they know their stuff and they're [46:35] being honest so it made me reflect it [46:38] how do we establish causation here in [46:39] terms of these hand gestures could it be [46:41] the case that the more confident Ted [46:43] speakers are doing more gestures because [46:47] they're less [46:48] nervous so is it about nerves um and the [46:51] less um confident more nervous Ted [46:55] speakers are doing less gestes just [46:56] because they self soothing a lot and [46:58] they're they're kind of closing off [46:59] their body is confidence the thing here [47:01] is it nerves I don't think so I think [47:04] it's about engagement so I think most [47:07] Ted speakers I watch these TED Talks [47:09] they're all good all of them are good [47:11] and some of them are experts in their [47:12] field the difference is do I want to [47:15] watch their good it is hard for me as a [47:18] viewer to pay attention for 18 minutes [47:21] with someone who didn't use enough [47:22] gestures it was like physically hard for [47:24] my brain to pay attention I think those [47:26] speakers what good or not had over [47:28] rehearsed and rehearsed out their hand [47:29] gestures or were holding a Podium or [47:32] we're holding a clicker too hard so I [47:34] actually think that it's less to do with [47:37] the speaker's nerves or confidence and [47:38] it's more to do with are they going to [47:40] let themselves use their hands to [47:42] explain their points and that becomes [47:43] more engaging one of the things I've [47:45] noticed on this podcast is people who [47:46] are using their hands are more [47:48] expressive and if they're more [47:49] expressive there's likely to be more [47:50] sort of intonations in their voice and [47:52] if there's more intonations it's more [47:53] engaging and if it's more engaging then [47:55] it's more retentive for the algorithm if [47:56] it's more retentive the algorithm it's [47:58] suggested more if it's suggested more [47:59] there's more [48:00] views so I would like to tell my guests [48:02] all the past particularly future guests [48:06] that if you're if you have more [48:08] expression in what you're saying and [48:10] more intonations in your voice then our [48:12] show will grow okay let's talk about two [48:15] things here one is we did a test on my [48:17] YouTube channel and found that if we [48:18] used a thumbnail of me doing any hand [48:21] gesture it didn't even matter what it [48:22] was it could be this it could be this [48:24] any hand gesture that got more clicks [48:27] people even in the thumbnail like to see [48:29] the hand gesture even more than my crazy [48:31] facial expressions we tried both so yes [48:33] we are because if you see a thumbnail of [48:36] me you know holding up two you're like [48:38] what two things is she talking about [48:39] what is it so it's we we like it it [48:42] shows competence and the second thing is [48:44] that vocal variety is an incredibly [48:47] important aspect of Charisma we're [48:50] talking about gestures but there is a [48:51] feedback loop here that the more like if [48:54] you if I were try if I were G going to [48:55] sit on my hands for this interview you [48:56] would notice my facial expression would [48:58] get less charismatic my vocal tone would [49:00] be less charismatic it's really hard to [49:02] be charismatic without movement vocal [49:04] variety is a critical aspect of both [49:06] warmth and competence that is because [49:08] when we hear someone who's able to for [49:11] example give us the Ted Talk voice so [49:12] I'm going give you the Ted Talk voice [49:13] you [49:14] ready this point is going to change the [49:18] way that we think about the world and if [49:21] we don't analyze this point we will be [49:23] in huge trouble like that is a voice [49:26] that is telling you o this is important [49:29] you also hear that really good speakers [49:30] will use like a numbers voice so a [49:32] numbers voice sounds like this did you [49:34] know that 43% of humans all believe in [49:38] the same thing [49:39] 43% like there's and if you're telling a [49:42] story it changes again so a story tone [49:44] would go like this you're never going to [49:46] believe what happened to me so last week [49:48] I'm walking down the street and I saw [49:49] this guy it's a totally different vocal [49:52] variety that is a gift to your listener [49:55] that makes you more engaging because [49:57] they're able to clock H we're doing a [49:59] number now oh we have a story now oh [50:02] this is an important point I better [50:03] write it down really good Ted speakers [50:05] are outlining their talk for you in me [50:07] in many different ways and that's the [50:08] best speakers I see on stage it's so [50:10] interesting because in this podcast we [50:13] um had quite a long conversation a [50:14] couple of months ago about arms on the [50:16] chair the chair that you're in now and [50:18] it was just this observation we had when [50:19] we first flew out here to New York the [50:21] chairs that we ordered were pretty [50:22] similar to this but they just happen to [50:24] have arms on them and what I noticed was [50:27] that guests would lean oh and and it [50:29] would take out their arms yes so it took [50:32] out their arms and they became less [50:33] expressive and the conversations were [50:34] less interesting yes so we removed the [50:37] arms again okay so let's talk about this [50:38] just very briefly yeah I actually do [50:41] recommend chairs with arms not in this [50:43] setup because look at the difference so [50:46] actually right before this interview you [50:47] asked me to scoot my chair in right your [50:50] amazing team ask me to good my turn [50:51] thank you for that because it makes it [50:52] so that I want to put my hands up if I [50:55] were to be sitting farther back I'm just [50:56] going to lean back for a second I would [50:58] be tempted to put my hands in my lap yes [51:00] so the critical piece of this is you're [51:01] having me scoot up to the table it would [51:03] be really hard if I had arms because [51:06] then I would want to go like this and it [51:07] would make me look like a duck yes right [51:09] so you want to use a chair with arms to [51:11] be broader it actually does broaden your [51:13] arms out unless you're really close to [51:15] the table then you can put your hands on [51:16] the table but I I it's amazing how the [51:18] physical environment can change how we [51:21] are perceived and how we move but even [51:23] that we're very intentional about the [51:25] sort of mirroring our body language and [51:27] just making sure that we're head on [51:28] because this conversation is entirely [51:29] different if we're side on very much [51:31] it's not going to be the same very much [51:33] and there's not going to be the same [51:34] level of intimacy we also thought a lot [51:36] about the how big the table was this is [51:37] quite a big table what's the distance uh [51:40] I'm going to say it's about Just sh two [51:42] Mets wait can you hold your arm out okay [51:44] so this perfect distence the perfect [51:46] distance between two people having a [51:47] good conversation is that we could shake [51:49] hands if we wanted to okay and that is [51:51] because there are four different [51:53] proxemic zones so the fancy word for [51:55] space is proxemics I don't know if you [51:57] have the beautiful graphic I print out [51:59] this oh yes that's it yes so there are [52:01] four different space zones and these are [52:03] really good to know if you're trying to [52:04] set yourself up for Success the public [52:06] zone is about 5 to eight feet away I [52:09] don't know uh not feet but 5 to8 feet [52:11] away then you have the social Zone which [52:13] is where we like to socialize with [52:14] people that is depending on who you ask [52:16] three to 5 feet away then there's the [52:18] personal Zone that's our favorite Zone [52:19] that is about uh arms distance apart [52:22] right so we could shake hands if we [52:23] wanted to that's where our best [52:24] conversations happen and then there's [52:26] the in inate Zone a big mistake people [52:28] make is they Place their video camera [52:30] too close to their face which means they [52:33] are accidentally signaling intimacy cues [52:35] with their colleagues and their [52:36] co-workers have you ever been on a zoom [52:38] with someone where their FA is the [52:40] entire camera yeah I was on one earlier [52:42] on and you're like please back up and [52:43] that is because your brain is going too [52:45] close even though they're across a [52:46] camera so what I would really recommend [52:48] measure the distance between your nose [52:50] and your camera it should be one arm [52:52] length so it should be the tip of your [52:53] nose to the tip of your fingers or a [52:56] foot and a half to three feet away that [52:58] is the ideal zone for having good [53:00] conversation over Zoom that's really [53:01] interesting as well because I was [53:02] thinking about the conversation I had [53:03] actually on the way here in the car with [53:05] a colleague of mine and they had called [53:07] me on FaceTime now the thing with [53:09] FaceTime is it's going to be close it's [53:11] going to be close and it it did feel a [53:12] little bit intimate it does um because [53:14] they call me on FaceTime yes and [53:16] obviously if I was on my laptop they [53:18] would call me on Zoom or something else [53:19] and you there would be a so I think that [53:22] that's why we can sometimes at least [53:24] introverts feel like don't FaceTime me [53:26] it's way too personal it's because [53:28] there's a setup there that it's actually [53:29] accidentally tricking you into being in [53:31] the intimate Zone with someone this is [53:33] also why uh loud bars and nightclubs [53:35] work so well for facilitating romantic [53:37] relationships what happens in a loud bar [53:40] or a loud nightclub is you can't hear [53:42] someone so you go what and then you get [53:43] a little bit closer and all of a sudden [53:45] you're accidentally standing in [53:46] someone's intimate Zone which then that [53:49] Q cycle begins to kick in where you're [53:50] like well if I'm standing within a foot [53:52] and a half from this person maybe I [53:53] should feel intimate with them which [53:55] then makes you lean more makes you want [53:56] to touch more that is why people go to [53:59] bars and nightclubs to facilitate these [54:00] romantic relationships it's accidentally [54:02] going into the intimate Zone when I was [54:04] younger I've said this a few times on [54:06] the podcast before but it's feels very [54:08] relevant my brother my older brother [54:10] Jason he ordered this book called The [54:11] Game uh by Neil Strauss yes and it um he [54:14] ordered it to University but he [54:15] accidentally put the wrong address and [54:16] so it came to home this sounds like an [54:18] elaborate story for me like buying a [54:19] pickup artist book but it came to home [54:21] and I read the book and it was my first [54:22] time understanding that body language [54:24] was a important but even some you could [54:27] learn and and you know when I say body [54:29] language I mean everything um and it's [54:32] it's interesting because now after [54:34] reading your work I actually think maybe [54:35] what I should have been aiming at was [54:37] how to be more [54:38] charismatic and you talk about these [54:40] five science-based habits for being more [54:44] charismatic yeah I guess the first [54:46] question is what is charisma yes and [54:49] then what are these five science-based [54:51] habits that can make me more charismatic [54:53] as a person like how do I know if I'm [54:55] charismatic you are charismatic but you [54:57] lean higher on competence so so let's [55:00] break it down okay so this is not my [55:02] work this is the work of Dr Susan Fisk [55:04] this is a instrumental study it's been [55:06] repeated many times back in 2002 that [55:08] found that to be charismatic you have to [55:10] be both highly warm and highly competent [55:13] or more importantly if to Signal High [55:15] warmth and high competence and that this [55:17] is makes up 82% of impressions of people [55:19] warmth trust likeability friendliness [55:22] competence power reliability capability [55:25] so very highly charismatic people you [55:28] meet them you see them and they are [55:29] signaling you can trust me you like me [55:32] and boy am I reliable and competent at [55:34] the very same time so when I say you are [55:38] charismatic but you lean very high in [55:40] competence which means that people can [55:41] see you as cold or stoic if you're not [55:44] showing enough warmth cues have you been [55:47] told that intimidating [55:50] indirectly people are do scared to say [55:51] it me I'm joking but no I do get that I [55:53] do I do I think I have like some degree [55:55] of self as to how I come across and I [55:57] think how you described it is exactly [55:59] how I come across and that's not a bad [56:01] thing right like you get to pick your [56:03] own recipe like I lean a little higher [56:04] on the warm side I'm also female there [56:06] are differences between men and women so [56:08] typically not always men default to [56:11] higher incompetence women are defaulted [56:13] to hire in warmth typically not always [56:16] this isn't a bad thing but you should [56:17] know that if you are trying to come [56:20] across as warmer on your team you're [56:21] trying to inspire more collaboration [56:23] you're trying to make more friends you [56:24] want to dial up your warmth cues [56:26] if you're someone who's interrupted a [56:28] lot not taken seriously people forget [56:31] meeting you you need to dial up [56:33] confidence this is like a thermostat you [56:36] can dial up warmth cues and dial up [56:37] competence cues and this changes the way [56:39] people treat you so I have five power [56:41] cues for competence and I have five warm [56:44] cues for warmth we're going to go [56:46] through all of those I saw this [56:47] wonderful graph which kind of explains [56:48] it which I'll put on the screen for [56:49] anyone that's watching um and this was [56:53] really really interesting there's a [56:54] danger zone the danger zone I'm guess is [56:56] when you're low warmth and low [56:57] competence that's it that those are [56:59] those folks that are stoic if you don't [57:02] send enough warmth cues if you don't [57:04] send enough competence cues people [57:06] cannot trust you they have trouble [57:08] working with you they have trouble [57:10] talking to you this is the curse of very [57:12] smart people very smart people think my [57:15] ideas will stand alone my book smarts [57:17] are great I don't need to communicate [57:20] these cues my ideas are enough that's [57:22] what happened to Jamie Simmon off in the [57:23] tank he did not show enough warmth or [57:25] comp cues he relied solely on his ideas [57:28] and his numbers and he could not get a [57:30] deal so people who want to be taken [57:32] seriously you have to show warmth and [57:33] competence the other problem with highly [57:35] competent folks and you lean higher in [57:37] competence so this is for you too which [57:38] is it's directly from the [57:40] research too much competence without [57:43] enough warmth leaves people feeling [57:46] suspicious so no matter how competent [57:48] you are no matter how good your ideas [57:49] are if you are not showcasing that with [57:52] warmth people are skeptical of you and [57:55] this is what happens with a lot of my [57:56] students is they're like people don't [57:58] trust me they don't believe my ideas [58:01] they're skeptical I get push back or [58:02] they I do sales trainings they can't [58:05] close you'll push back on their numbers [58:08] and that is because some part of them is [58:09] saying I hear your competence but you're [58:11] not giving me enough warmth can you be [58:13] too warm you can be absolutely too warm [58:15] you can be too warm and too competent [58:16] too warm you know what that looks [58:18] like yes that's too [58:21] warm okay okay too warm is so we'll talk [58:25] about the five warmth cues too much of [58:27] any Q is dangerous right so too much [58:30] nodding too much laughing too much uh [58:33] vocalizations those are all too warm and [58:36] they make us think this person is a [58:37] bimbo or a dits or not competent that's [58:41] what happens we have too much warmth it [58:42] takes away from our competence where [58:44] should we start let's start with the [58:46] power Keys okay the power keys so this [58:48] is competence yes power keys let me get [58:50] some my power cues M okay so we talked [58:53] about the importance of hand gestures [58:55] there is a very good competent hand [58:57] gesture which everyone should know if [58:58] you want to be perceived as higher in [58:59] competence it's called the steeple oh [59:01] this the oh yes it's on the cover of my [59:03] book if you want to see it yes this [59:05] looks when your hands look like a little [59:06] steeple they're kind of relaxed open [59:07] it's a triangle for anyone that com kind [59:09] of like a triangle y a triangle it's a [59:10] power pose for the hands why if you are [59:12] doing this pose you're showing I'm not [59:14] hiding anything from you you can still [59:15] see my Palms but I am [59:18] very relaxed and poised enough so that [59:21] I'm keeping my hands together now be [59:22] careful don't drum this is evil fingers [59:25] yeah this is Mr Burns those of you who [59:27] know right so it's a nice still steeple [59:30] uh they have found they raided hand [59:31] gestures in a study and they found that [59:33] this was the single most the highest [59:36] rated hand gesture that leaders made was [59:38] when they made this gesture now [59:39] personally I don't use this a lot in my [59:41] interpersonal interactions because it [59:43] doesn't feel Supernatural to me it's [59:45] funny because we took one picture for my [59:47] cover tit cover photos and my all every [59:51] single picture of me from my cover [59:52] photos I was smiling and my wonderful [59:54] photographer Maggie Kirkland said [59:56] Vanessa can we just do one of you [59:57] serious and I was like but I'm not [59:58] serious she's like just just one just do [60:00] your most powerful power que and this is [60:03] the only picture and that was the one [60:06] that we chose for it so it's just funny [60:09] because it's a very high competence cue [60:10] so you can try the steeple just be [60:12] careful not to do evil finger evil [60:14] fingers with it that's a high confidence [60:15] CU that picture of you on the front what [60:17] is that signaling so it's a it's a [60:19] perfect balance right so one I have the [60:21] steeple Q competence gesture two I'm [60:23] angled towards you my body is angled [60:24] towards you which is a warmth you that's [60:26] fronting my toes are angled towards you [60:28] which is warmth I also have a smoldering [60:30] eye contact look which is high [60:31] competence which we can talk about and I [60:33] have an up face right I'm not in my [60:34] resting bothered face so that's a slight [60:36] warmth queue that is actually how it [60:38] makes me feel there's a there's an [60:39] element of power but it's not an [60:41] intimidating level of power because I [60:43] balanced it with that warmth yeah it's [60:44] like a [60:46] welcoming woo we did it now I got to do [60:48] it with the next one Ste okay SE SE yeah [60:52] second this is a weird one the most [60:54] important measurement on your entire [60:56] body is the distance between your [60:58] earlobe and your shoulder this distance [61:01] right here watch if I were to do this in [61:05] the interview the entire time if I were [61:06] to have a very small distance between my [61:08] Earl and my shoulder I would look [61:10] anxious I would also have a really hard [61:12] time giving you vocal power you would [61:13] have a hard do you trust me no you look [61:15] nervous right I look nervous there's a [61:18] direct correlation between confidence [61:19] and anxiety and the distance between our [61:21] shoulder and our Earl and very quickly [61:23] we're trying to just assess someone the [61:24] first few seconds of seeing them we're [61:26] trying to assess how confident are you [61:28] can I catch it we don't like people who [61:31] are anxious we don't want to talk to [61:33] someone like this because we don't want [61:34] to catch that anxiety but we do want to [61:35] talk to someone who has the max distance [61:37] between their earlobes and their [61:38] shoulder so when you're in a first [61:40] impression also in your profile [61:42] pictures I want a relaxed distance [61:45] shoulders down Earls out which is [61:47] another reason why I like that this is [61:48] how your table is set up because it [61:50] pushes my shoulders down so I have a max [61:52] distance that makes me look more [61:54] confident but it also makes me feel more [61:56] confident there's a look here so when [61:58] you do the steeple and then you roll [61:59] your shoulders down and back you will [62:01] begin to feel more [62:03] confident don't you feel good don't what [62:06] if you like raise your head though like [62:08] because if I'm trying to get my ears [62:09] away from my shoulders I might go like [62:10] this actually they're the same distance [62:11] so you want to actually keep your yeah [62:13] you want to keep your chin level and you [62:15] if you can help it you don't want to [62:16] actually look down at someone down your [62:18] nose at someone it's quite a um scornful [62:20] judgmental exactly so you just noticed [62:22] it even when I did it so it's not this [62:24] it's just this so maximizing this [62:27] difference third one I love eye contact [62:30] we all know good eye contact is [62:32] important but here's what you might not [62:33] know about good eye contacts eye contact [62:35] is a power move when you look at someone [62:37] at the end of your [62:38] sentence so we're very used to if [62:41] someone's thinking about something and [62:42] they're processing something in their [62:43] head and I'm telling you that there are [62:45] 465 gestures in a TED Talk that is the [62:48] most important way that I want to [62:49] showcase something to you that we like [62:52] it when someone is actually accessing [62:54] different memories or areas of their [62:55] brain but then when I end my sentence [62:57] looking right at you you're [62:59] like so highly competent people make eye [63:03] contact specifically at the end of their [63:05] sentences to drill a point and ideally [63:08] when the other person is saying [63:09] something [63:10] important okay interesting I just did it [63:13] then but I do that when I'm when I'm [63:14] doing interviews because I kind of like [63:15] look off into the distance to think a [63:17] little bit and then I come back to ask [63:18] the worst advice I hear people give body [63:21] language experts give make more eye [63:23] contact make 100% eye contact [63:27] actually in Western culture as they've [63:28] studied this the ideal amount of eye [63:30] contact is between 60 and 70% of the [63:32] conversation if you make over 70% eye [63:35] contact it's actually considered a [63:36] territorial gesture so if I were be [63:38] making 100% eye contact with you it feel [63:40] very invasive very awkward we like it [63:43] when someone is processing or gathering [63:45] information from around like if I'm [63:46] processing something or I'm thinking [63:47] about something or I'm accessing all [63:49] that matters is at the end of my point [63:51] I'm looking right at you and that feels [63:53] so much more powerful Okay so that's [63:55] number three yeah that's number three [63:57] yeah okay fourth one one of my favorites [64:00] it's called a lower lid Flex lower lid [64:04] Flex is one of the least utilized but [64:06] one of my favorite cues so biologically [64:09] speaking when we are trying to see [64:11] something far away we Harden our lower [64:13] Lids like I'm trying to read the titles [64:15] on your bookshelf I Harden my lower Lids [64:18] that is because when our eye is trying [64:20] to see far it Squints to block out the [64:22] light so you'll see more details in my [64:24] face when you harden your lower lid at [64:26] me so Harden your lower lid if you look [64:28] at People's sexiest men alive almost [64:31] every man in that magazine [64:33] is it's Zoolander right blue steel blue [64:36] steel is actually just a lower lid Flex [64:39] that is because when someone is trying [64:41] to really focus on something and really [64:43] understand something their lower lid is [64:44] flexed as as you're doing right now and [64:46] boy oh boy do we like it when someone is [64:48] lower lid flexing at us because it means [64:50] you are really trying to understand and [64:52] see me so a lower lid Flex is a great [64:55] power Q to use in moderation right [64:57] nothing too much that when someone is [64:59] saying something on a date or in a [65:01] meeting or a colleague is saying [65:02] something really important and you want [65:04] to show them I am really listening that [65:07] lower lid Flex shows them I am super [65:09] focused and intense on you that is why [65:11] women find men who do the lower lid Flex [65:14] very sexy because they feel like he's [65:17] really focusing on me now there's a [65:20] little side note the lower lid Flex [65:22] lower lid Flex is not it's inherently in [65:25] a POS postive Q it's a CU of Focus right [65:28] if you are in a presentation or a [65:30] meeting and you say something and [65:32] someone suddenly Li flexes at [65:35] you you might have just said something [65:37] in there like really yeah so for me this [65:41] was a game-changing moment as I was [65:42] giving a presentation to a bunch of [65:44] Executives and I said something about [65:46] oxytocin which is the the hormone of um [65:49] love and cuddle and connection and he [65:52] goes I saw him lower lid Flex at me but [65:54] he's also turned his head though I don't [65:56] know if he I don't remember if he turned [65:57] his head but all I noticed is that [65:59] distinctly he went from mhm mhm to ah [66:02] yes and I went does that make sense any [66:05] questions so if you see a lower lid flex [66:07] your best choice is to try to gather [66:10] more information that make sense all [66:12] good any questions for me how we feel [66:13] about this so I said any questions for [66:15] me and he goes and I looked right at him [66:17] I said any questions for me he said you [66:19] know I think they gave my wife oxytocin [66:22] and labor is that the same thing and [66:25] it's true that they give a form of [66:26] oxytocin to induce women in labor That's [66:28] How Strong oxytocin is it in high doses [66:31] it will put women into labor it's a form [66:33] it's called pcin I said you're [66:34] absolutely right in medical settings [66:37] they can give synthetic forms of [66:38] oxytocin to push women into labor that [66:40] was a moment for me because one is I [66:42] realized I was able to stop the [66:44] skepticism and the confusion right there [66:46] before we moved on to anyone else [66:48] anything else and now when I teach [66:49] oxytocin I say in Social settings [66:53] oxytocin means this because in medical [66:56] settings that means something different [66:57] so noticing that lower lid Flex is [66:59] incredibly important for you to [67:01] understand where you might have a hint [67:03] of skepticism or a hint of confusion if [67:06] you're in a sales meeting or a [67:07] presentation you want to make sure you [67:09] have addressed whatever that person is [67:11] flexing about before you move on super [67:15] interesting in that example you give [67:16] there as well had you not investigated [67:19] that lower lid Flex you might have also [67:21] thought something you said was wrong and [67:23] lost your confidence and that can spiral [67:25] into you know closing off and becoming a [67:28] worse presenter this is why I thought [67:30] people hated me and I hated people so [67:32] for my folks that are listening who are [67:34] like I hate people and I get it I was [67:37] misreading cu's as skeptical or negative [67:40] of me when it could have been neutral or [67:42] curiosity or trying to understand [67:43] something better if you can give these a [67:46] try it will help you more deeply [67:48] understand people which might help you [67:50] like them [67:52] more ready for the fifth one I'm ready [67:54] for the fifth okay the fifth one this is [67:56] a vocal cue so we talked a lot about [67:58] body language cues but vocal cues are [68:00] incredibly [68:01] important vocal [68:03] cues tell someone how you are feeling [68:06] about them and how you feel about [68:08] yourself one of the biggest ones is an [68:11] accidental question inflection a [68:13] question inflection is when we go up at [68:15] the end of our sentence so it sounds [68:16] like we're asking a question even if [68:18] we're actually using a [68:20] statement the brain research has [68:23] actually looked at what the brain does [68:25] when it here is an accidental question [68:26] reflection if we are listening to [68:28] someone and we hear them accidentally [68:30] use the question reflection our brain [68:31] goes from listening to scrutinizing why [68:35] our brain wonders why did you ask me [68:37] that Liars typically accidentally use [68:40] the question in flection if I say to my [68:43] daughter did you take the cookie from [68:45] the cookie jar and she goes [68:47] no I Liars are asking do you believe [68:51] this so we have noticed we did a massive [68:54] experiment in our lab where we had [68:56] people play two truths and a lie with us [68:58] so share two truths about themselves and [68:59] a lie and we found overwhelmingly one of [69:02] the biggest patterns there's a couple of [69:03] different patterns one of the biggest [69:04] ones was that Liars asked their lie [69:07] statement so like it would sound like [69:09] this here you can play with me and I'll [69:10] I'll add the question reflection to one [69:13] I love dogs I live in Austin Texas and I [69:16] love [69:17] cilantro oh yeah you don't like cilant [69:19] no it's like a crime against humanity [69:22] like why do people cantro on anything so [69:25] notice people ask the lie because they [69:26] were asking do you believe this so our [69:28] brain is very Adept at this if we hear [69:31] The Accidental question reflection used [69:32] we go wait a minute is someone lying to [69:34] me the biggest mistake that salespeople [69:37] make is they get through their entire [69:38] pitch and they ask their number so [69:41] sounds like [69:42] this hi we'd love to do business with [69:45] you we'd love to have your project and [69:47] the cost of this service is [69:51] $5,000 if you ask your number you are [69:53] begging people to negotiate with you if [69:56] you are asking for a raise or you are [69:58] asking for a certain salary and you ask [70:00] it you are signaling to the other person [70:02] I don't really believe this number and [70:03] you shouldn't either so the power CU [70:05] number five power CU is using the [70:07] downward inflection highly competent [70:10] people they do not mistakenly use the [70:12] question reflection they actually go [70:14] down at the end of their sentences [70:16] President Obama was very good at is very [70:19] good at slinging down his words which [70:21] makes you want to listen so it sounds [70:22] like this I'm going to say nothing so [70:24] you can hear it the problem in this [70:26] country is that we don't take seriously [70:28] enough the issues of our people and if [70:31] we don't take those issues seriously we [70:33] will be in grave trouble so he tends to [70:37] go down at the end of his sentences he [70:38] also has a lot of space in the bottom of [70:40] his mouth that makes us gives us him [70:42] more resonance but it also makes us [70:43] think oh he really believes his word [70:46] because it's the opposite of the [70:47] question reflection if you have a [70:48] boundary if you're setting a limit if [70:50] you're telling something someone [70:52] something really important about you say [70:54] it don't ask ask it that is the biggest [70:57] thing you can do to get people to take [70:58] you seriously interesting and don't ask [71:00] your name most often I hear people ask [71:04] their own name and it destroys their [71:06] vocal Charisma so that would be my name [71:08] is Vanessa van [71:10] Edwards that my name is Vanessa van [71:13] Edwards your perceptions of my [71:15] confidence in those two introductions [71:17] are radically different there's a study [71:19] that looked at this and they looked at [71:21] the vocal statements of Surgeons they [71:24] had surgeons come into their lab and [71:27] record 10-second voice tone Clips the [71:29] clips that are most important when [71:30] they're meeting patients their name [71:32] their specialty and where they worked [71:33] sounded like this hi my name is Dr [71:36] Edwards I specialize in oncology and I [71:38] work at Children's Presbyterian hospital [71:40] they took these clips and they warbled [71:42] the words so you could hear the volume [71:44] the pace the Cadence but not the actual [71:45] words being said so sounded like [71:51] this I worked very hard on practicing [71:53] that by the way that's amazing because [71:55] it has testes sound like me but nothing [71:57] they took these clips and they had [71:58] people rate these surgeons on warmth and [72:01] competence the two things that we know [72:03] are most important for Charisma the [72:05] doctors who had the lowest ratings of [72:07] warmth and competence had the highest [72:10] rate of malpractice [72:12] lawsuits in other words we don't Sue [72:15] doctors based on their skills we Sue [72:17] doctors based on our perception of their [72:19] skills and that happens within the first [72:21] few seconds of hearing them so if you [72:25] give the question reflection on your [72:27] name on your specialty on what you do [72:29] people begin to doubt you so the bad [72:31] doctors sounded like this hi my name is [72:33] Dr Edwards I specialize in oncology and [72:36] I work at Children's petarian [72:39] Hospital those doctors got raided as low [72:41] in both warmth and competence because [72:44] their brains were going why are they [72:46] asking are they not sure I'm not sure [72:48] either so it's really signaling [72:50] conviction in who you are yeah what [72:53] you're about and what you do [72:55] interesting so practice your name your [72:58] price my name is Steven no that was up [73:01] that was a little hi my name is Steven [73:03] that's it okay yeah okay I literally [73:06] asked that like a question didn't I the [73:08] first one I was like hello my name is [73:09] Stephen I was I was actually asking I [73:11] was trying to ask you if it was a good [73:12] pronunciation that's so funny that was [73:14] the upward inflection and didn't it feel [73:15] different totally different the second [73:16] one was me uh so the first one was like [73:18] seeking validation and you use a lot of [73:20] downward inflection except when you're [73:21] asking questions which we like okay [73:23] right that's why you lean higher in comp [73:25] competence is you use already a lot of [73:26] downward inflection it's so interesting [73:29] because as you were speaking something [73:30] came to mind which I was reading about [73:32] in your work um which is you're really [73:34] good at what you do you're like very [73:36] good as a guest on a podcast and just as [73:39] a professional generally and as I was [73:40] thinking this I was saying to myself I'm [73:43] sure she knows and I'm sure she can tell [73:45] from my face that I think she's good but [73:47] it's funny because in your work you say [73:48] that we're actually we over assume [73:50] people can read us yes so like when I [73:52] was thinking oh she's so good and in [73:54] your work it says like it says that I'm [73:56] I was doing it I was assuming you knew [73:58] how I felt about you but in your work [74:01] you also make the case that I've [74:02] actually I should say it yes yes we [74:04] there's an effect where we think that [74:07] people know how we feel specifically [74:09] it's called signal amplification bias [74:11] there's a name for this study which is [74:13] that we think our signals are obvious [74:15] that if we like someone or if we're [74:16] having a good time we think oh they for [74:18] sure know it they don't oh the three [74:20] magic phrases we never finish them [74:23] that's why you say I was just thinking [74:24] of you [74:25] that's a way of assuring someone I do [74:27] think of you only if it's true the [74:29] second one is you're always [74:32] so so if you're with someone and you're [74:34] impressed by them or they're interesting [74:36] or they're funny saying you always make [74:38] me laugh you're always so interesting [74:40] you're always so great to interview [74:42] you're always so great at interviews [74:44] giving them a label that is a positive [74:46] label is the best gift you can give [74:47] someone because it's fighting that [74:49] signal amplification bias and the last [74:51] one is last time we talked you mentioned [74:55] yeah we are so honored when we get brain [74:58] space that you remembered and you're [75:00] going to bring it up and you [75:01] specifically bring up something that [75:02] they lit up with so they were like ah it [75:05] was great it was exciting it was [75:06] wonderful those are my three magic [75:08] phrases and it's because they are [75:10] fighting that signal implication bias I [75:12] have no idea if you like this interview [75:13] I have no idea if you like my work I [75:15] have no idea and the more that you can [75:17] broadcast those symbols those signals [75:20] that more people actually like you m so [75:23] what do you what advice would you give [75:24] me then as an interview I guess I'm an [75:26] interview host of the show what is cuz [75:30] people come here sometimes they're [75:31] nervous you know we have people come and [75:33] they they um some people come in their [75:35] nervous a little bit and I always try I [75:38] always want to make them feel [75:38] comfortable but I you know as you said I [75:41] probably don't rank that high on warmth [75:42] so it doesn't come that natural to me [75:44] I'm not the kind of person that comes [75:45] out and it's like hi welcome and like [75:47] hey and that would be off brand you yeah [75:49] and it wouldn't be authentic no no would [75:51] it would be off brand for you right it's [75:52] too much okay so five warmth cues so for [75:55] those of you who are listening the five [75:56] power cues I just shared those are if [75:59] you think you are really high in warmth [76:01] but you worry that people don't take you [76:03] seriously you're worried that people [76:05] ignore you you get interrupted in [76:06] meetings I want you to use those five [76:09] power cues if that's you now I'm going [76:11] to teach you five warmth cues if you [76:13] have ever been told you're intimidating [76:15] hard to talk to cold if you often feel [76:18] like people are holding back or not [76:19] opening up to you I want you to use [76:21] these five warmth cues this ISS dialing [76:23] up your thermostat okay these are for [76:24] you you too mhm first we love a triple [76:28] nod research has found that if we do a [76:31] slow triple nod the other person speaks [76:33] 67% [76:35] longer so as an interview this is a [76:38] great cue watch so here's my my triple [76:40] not [76:42] is we love it it's like a non-verbal dot [76:45] dot dot it's like tell me more tell me [76:48] more now be careful don't bobblehead so [76:50] you don't want to do it too much right [76:52] that's too high and warm and second you [76:54] don't want to do it too fast too fast of [76:56] a triple nod is impatience it means shut [76:59] up yeah so if you want someone to wrap [77:01] if you want someone to wrap a question [77:03] yeah that that yeah that's that's [77:05] exactly right so here's for everyone [77:07] watching here's [77:09] good here's please hurry [77:12] up yeah that shut the up I've seen [77:14] that before and it works it's a really [77:17] nice way of saying Please rap please end [77:20] so I love a warm triple nod you have to [77:22] be careful with it okay so that's cue [77:23] number one second a head tilt so [77:27] universally if we're trying to hear [77:29] something we tilt our head up and we [77:30] expose our ear right we're we're as if [77:32] we're like What was that like dogs do [77:34] this when they're like you know they [77:36] expose their ear humans also do this [77:38] across cultures because it's a it's kind [77:41] of a way that we're like oh I I'm [77:42] listening to this research has found [77:43] that if you deliver bad news with a head [77:46] tilt you are more likable so people take [77:49] the news better if you deliver bad news [77:51] with a SL head tilt because it literally [77:52] makes you look more warm it literally [77:54] makes you look like like you're [77:55] listening no I only want you to do this [77:56] when you're actually listening but a [77:58] head tilt is also a way that you can [77:59] slightly add warmth to your conversation [78:01] or to your interview or to your date not [78:03] too okay so we're going to go back to so [78:05] we don't want to go too far that looks [78:06] weird a little weird right not too much [78:10] and um I also like to teach a head tilt [78:12] to my highly warm folks who are Bobble [78:14] headers so if anyone if you're like oh I [78:16] do this a lot yeah I I'm a bobble header [78:19] I'm a recovering Bobble header because I [78:21] like to people like me right so I'll [78:23] I'll nod too much if you are a bobble [78:25] header you can train yourself to replace [78:27] it with the head tilt because it's [78:29] physically impossible to head tilt while [78:30] you nod so if you're a bobble header [78:34] just head tilt okay head tilt there's [78:37] something about the head tilt which [78:38] makes me it signals they care yeah and [78:42] they they're empathetic yeah there's [78:45] some I don't know what it is about [78:46] someone's head head tilt that cuz if [78:49] someone was firing me and they were [78:51] doing it like this I feel like they [78:53] don't care there's something Bress but [78:54] if they do it like this it's like you [78:56] really care about me that's so crazy [78:57] just such a small that one little thing [78:59] you know that you mentioned the book The [79:00] Game yes I know a lot about that world [79:04] and there's a there's a funny trick they [79:07] teach which I'll teach you it's not part [79:08] of my warmth cues but I'm going to teach [79:10] it to you because I think it's [79:10] interesting don't let don't let anyone [79:13] use this on you okay and nobody at home [79:15] used this on anyone else don't use this [79:17] on anyone else but so there's this thing [79:19] that NLP people will do or uh pickup [79:21] artists will do where they move their [79:23] hand like this and it Begins the other [79:25] person will begin to nod because our [79:27] typically when we do this with our hand [79:28] the other person starts to nod which [79:29] makes you think I agree I agree I agree [79:31] what are you doing for anyone that it's [79:33] I'm moving my hand up and down in a [79:35] nodding yes motion and so what what I've [79:38] noticed very manipulative people will do [79:40] is they'll be doing this as they speak [79:41] like don't you understand what I'm [79:43] saying do you get this and the other [79:44] person will start to nod and I've seen [79:45] audiences entire audience will start [79:47] nodding and then you think to yourself [79:48] well I'm nodding so I must agree with [79:49] this person it's a secret way to get [79:51] someone to secretly agree with you so [79:53] just be careful make sure no one uses [79:54] that on [79:55] you and you're doing it in a bit of a [79:57] circular motion it looks like it's not [79:59] straight up and down you're just kind of [80:01] like anyone that can't see she's like [80:03] we're rolling something forward and then [80:04] you're like I want to it's really hard [80:06] to not Nodge your head when someone's [80:07] doing this which then makes you feel [80:08] like you agree with them that's so crazy [80:10] it's like you you've got like a string [80:11] on my head a string on your it's very [80:13] weird so don't let anyone do that to you [80:15] and don't use it don't use it on anyone [80:16] I don't teach it in my books because [80:17] it's like I'm worried that you it's too [80:19] powerful it's too powerful okay triple [80:21] nod head tilt one and two okay third we [80:23] already talked about this one a [80:24] authentic smile right a smile that [80:26] reaches all the way up into your eyes [80:27] highly warm people typically do do that [80:29] authentic smile more now I don't like a [80:31] fake smile so I only want you to do it [80:33] when you're [80:34] authentic about that was my authentic [80:36] you laughed this is why I don't smile [80:39] this is why people think I'm [80:39] intimidating because people laugh at my [80:42] spet that's good that was better that [80:44] was better I can tell you're lying Mrs [80:47] body language I can tell you're lying [80:49] that was better that was better than the [80:50] first one better than the first one that [80:51] does mean it's good I'm looking for good [80:54] anyway number four is uh so authentic [80:57] smells number three authentic smells [80:58] number three number four we love a lean [81:03] oh we love a lean when in the proxic [81:06] zones right we're in those four zones if [81:08] someone's leaning into you it shows [81:10] they're literally trying to cross into [81:12] that zone very very subtly and so you'll [81:14] notice very highly charismatic people [81:15] who you want to be friends with they'll [81:16] be like tell me more tell me everything [81:19] and they lean in really close to you and [81:21] that makes you also feel closer so if [81:23] you want to be seen as high and warmth [81:25] you can do this as a speaker so you can [81:27] lean in as you bold an important Point [81:29] like when I'm making an important point [81:31] for you I lean into it I'm like listen [81:33] to this this is good but if I'm [81:36] listening to you and you say something [81:37] good I'll be like what really MH so you [81:40] can do it as a speaker and as a listener [81:42] and it immediately adds more warmth it's [81:44] funny okay this might be a little bit of [81:45] a tangent but it just came to mind as [81:47] you were speaking there are like the odd [81:49] person in my life who I've known for [81:51] many many years but whenever I'm around [81:53] them it kind of goes back to what I was [81:53] saying earlier [81:56] my body is just off and like I just [82:00] don't know what it is like I'm thinking [82:01] of one particular person I sh name where [82:04] I could be in a room full of people and [82:06] I'm relaxed I'm calm whatever and this [82:08] person who I've known for many many [82:09] years the minute they arrived in the [82:12] room I wouldn't be able to be the same [82:14] person and I don't know what it is like [82:16] my I'd suddenly start think overthinking [82:18] my body language and I'd start start [82:19] thinking it's how as my legs and it's my [82:20] body and I'd start covering blocking a [82:22] little bit what is what is that trying [82:25] to tell me do I need to cut this person [82:27] out my life is there is there like Words [82:28] unspoken what is it I would say it means [82:32] do more research I I think that gut [82:34] feelings are incredibly important [82:35] because you know the best queue reading [82:37] machine we have is our subconscious [82:39] right our our subconscious or [82:40] unconscious picking up on lots of cues [82:42] that we can't consciously know we can't [82:43] consciously know that we're smelling [82:45] adrenaline but we are smelling it so I [82:47] think that's a very important thing to [82:48] pay attention to it doesn't mean you [82:49] should cut them out but I think it's [82:51] time to do more research are they truly [82:53] happy for you are they truly rooting for [82:55] you are they secretly angry or jealous [82:58] maybe I'm doing it to them it's possible [83:00] that you're in a loop with them right [83:02] like you're expecting that bad thing and [83:04] that expectation becomes reality like [83:05] they've studied this that the pigan [83:07] effect is real if you expect not to like [83:09] someone you send off more unlikable cues [83:12] they feel unliked and so they don't like [83:14] you either and so it could be that [83:16] you're in a loop with this person that [83:17] maybe you make them feel the same way [83:18] what do I have to do then when next time [83:19] I see them cuz I want to dial up I don't [83:23] know some warmth with this person or [83:24] something or break that cycle okay if I [83:27] were you they're they're important to [83:29] you yeah they're important to me okay so [83:31] I would recommend asking questions that [83:34] will level you up with them to level two [83:37] so my guess is you might be stuck in [83:38] level one with them because you're [83:40] obviously uncomfortable with them [83:41] research shows that the more [83:43] commonalities we have someone the more [83:44] that we understand them the more [83:45] compassion we have with them the more [83:46] that we like someone so I wonder if we [83:48] could level up your Rel relationship [83:50] with them so you get to know them better [83:51] which means you'll like them more and if [83:54] you you make it through these six or [83:55] seven questions and you still don't like [83:57] them then maybe they're not your person [83:59] okay okay can I give you some questions [84:01] for them please okay please so here my [84:04] favorite um I call these level one level [84:06] two level three questions in the [84:07] framework that I'm researching right now [84:09] it's not done yet I have four questions [84:11] for each level and I'm working through [84:12] these questions but here are the [84:13] questions that I think are the the [84:15] shortcut to connection okay that if you [84:17] ask these questions with your partner [84:18] your friend colleagues you're going to [84:20] level up with them okay [84:21] first are you working on anything [84:23] exciting recently [84:25] so stop asking what do you do stop [84:27] asking how are you stop asking how's it [84:29] going that's why you hate people if [84:31] you're asking those questions of course [84:33] you're going to hate people those are [84:34] the most boring questions anyone's ever [84:36] asked can I give you a challenge a [84:38] challenge here's one Challenge from this [84:41] podcast stop asking what do you do for [84:44] 30 days I want you to go on a what do [84:45] you do diet asking what do you do is [84:47] telling the person's brain stay on [84:49] autopilot d i a last night no no more [84:52] we're on a diet okay also asking someone [84:55] what do you do is asking what are you [84:57] worth and if someone's not defined by [85:00] what they do it's actually a rude [85:01] question do you know what you're so [85:03] right I it's so funny you say this [85:05] because yesterday I went to this thing [85:06] in New York right and I was introducing [85:09] myself to some people and there was one [85:10] particular person who I went over to and [85:12] we were having a conversation and [85:13] halfway through the conversation I went [85:16] so what' you do and do you know what [85:17] they replied they went this and I just I [85:21] went home thinking about it like I was [85:22] like I was like of course we're [85:25] at work like I bet what I've done there [85:27] is I've just belittled what we're doing [85:29] right now as if it couldn't possibly [85:31] have been what they do right and I just [85:33] I I honestly I got in bed last night [85:35] thinking about I thought oh God I do you [85:37] know what it was I think I was so [85:38] impressed by them that I was a bit [85:41] awkward yeah and then that just came out [85:43] mid sentence what you do yeah God okay [85:46] so we're going on a diet everyone from [85:48] the next 30 days we're going on a diet [85:49] no more what do you do you're going to [85:50] replace it with working on anything [85:52] exciting these days or working on [85:53] anything exciting recent [85:54] this is permission connection you ask [85:57] someone that question you are giving [85:58] them permission if they want to tell you [85:59] about what they do oh they will M if [86:01] they are not Define about what they do [86:03] they'll tell you something better and [86:05] that also gives you really good nuggets [86:07] for the next time you see them when you [86:08] can say hey how was that thing you were [86:11] working on that was really exciting [86:12] going so start with working on anything [86:14] exciting these days working on anything [86:15] exciting right now second what's your [86:18] biggest goal right now so if you can [86:21] especially as we go into the new year or [86:22] in the new year right being part of year [86:24] I love I ask this question in December [86:26] January and February I ask everyone [86:29] what's your biggest goal right now [86:30] what's your big goal for [86:31] 2025 when you ask this question you're [86:34] going to get one of two responses one [86:35] someone shuts you down I don't believe [86:37] in goals not my person not my person I'm [86:41] a growth-minded person if someone says [86:43] that I'm like cool peace we're not going [86:45] to get along very well because I have a [86:47] lot of goals or they're going to be like [86:48] oh let me tell you and they're going to [86:50] tell you all about goals that's also a [86:52] great thing you can follow up on because [86:53] then when you see see them a month later [86:54] or a week later or a year later you can [86:55] be like hey how did that how did that go [86:59] it's a great interview question it's a [87:00] great I was just thinking that I should [87:02] ask people that in the interview because [87:03] Trad yeah because you're right someone [87:06] that can't articulate some kind of goal [87:09] is probably not my kind of person those [87:11] kind of people that go this actually [87:12] those kind of people don't listen to [87:13] this podcast anyway they just leave [87:15] comments and up like yeah exactly [87:17] so like it's a very um I call those [87:18] allergy questions interesting it's a way [87:21] to see are we going to have an allergic [87:23] reaction each other it creates an [87:25] allergy like I know there's a type of [87:27] person it susses them out really quickly [87:28] and that's not my kind of person okay so [87:31] working anything exciting what's your [87:33] goal right now and then this is harder [87:36] this is a self-narrative question do we [87:37] want to go deeper for a self-narrative [87:39] question of course we want to go [87:43] that so if we're getting into self- [87:46] narrative and you're trying to figure [87:47] out yourself or someone else's narrative [87:50] you want to ask the question it sounds [87:52] innocuous but it's not what book movie [87:55] or TV character is most like you and why [87:59] it's kind of a silly like dinner party [88:01] question it's like sort of sounds casual [88:03] but the answer to this question is so [88:04] incredibly important and here's an [88:06] example how someone relates to [88:08] characters their values or personality [88:10] is how they see themselves and people's [88:13] answers will shock you I'll give you one [88:14] example I was friends with someone for [88:17] six years one of my closest friends saw [88:19] them all the time weekends we went on ad [88:21] together we went on weekend trips [88:23] together I thought I knew her so well I [88:24] was like I know her I asked her this [88:26] question and I hypothesize this is all [88:27] my research for my next book I was like [88:29] I hypothesize she's a mom of three super [88:32] funny super Savvy I was like she's going [88:33] to pick a great like TV mom character [88:35] you know that that that's super Savvy [88:37] and funny asked her she thinks about it [88:40] for maybe one second and goes catniss [88:43] everines from the from the Hunger [88:45] Games I was like the one who's like [88:48] fighting for her life she's like yeah [88:51] that's how I feel every day and we for [88:54] the first time in six years had a [88:57] conversation about how she feels about [88:59] her day that was totally different than [89:01] anything I had ever known that she feels [89:03] scared and lonely and that she is [89:05] fighting for survival and it was the [89:08] first time that I truly connected with [89:10] her I cannot tell you how many times the [89:13] answer to this question has changed for [89:14] people in my life and I'm like careful [89:16] which examples to use because I'm [89:17] worried that they're going to be [89:18] watching but has changed my relationship [89:21] with people in my life based on how they [89:22] see themselves not how I see them but [89:25] how they see themselves it's really [89:27] interesting [89:29] because there's so many people listening [89:31] right now that now doing [89:33] that and they're discovering maybe for [89:36] the first time even how they see [89:37] themselves because it's funny because [89:38] when you said that obviously I did it in [89:40] my head and I was like [89:43] well now I want to know what it is [89:45] you like stereotypically no I'll tell [89:47] you now I was thinking it's funny cuz [89:49] the first person I thought of was Will [89:51] Smith because people say I look like him [89:52] sometimes right like people you have to [89:54] correct someone if someone says who they [89:55] look like you say no no look like Valu [89:57] personality but then when I thought [89:59] about TV characters I actually thought [90:01] about Will Smith in the P of happiness [90:03] and if you think about his journey he [90:05] was broke and he was fighting really [90:07] hard to get out of that situation and he [90:09] got out of that situation so it goes [90:10] back to the personality type you [90:12] described at the beginning where like [90:13] you hero of your own Journey like where [90:15] you've overcome something and you that's [90:17] kind of yeah and do you feel you found [90:19] it found um found it happiness [90:24] are you at the end of the movie I'm at [90:26] the end of the [90:27] movie [90:29] um I don't know if you can ever get to [90:31] the end of the movie that's the [90:32] struggling with that question because [90:35] there's like I think I found it but I've [90:38] always I don't know like not the end of [90:41] your movie it's not the end of your life [90:42] movie but like in that example we could [90:45] have a long discussion about like what [90:47] what is have you made it so the reason [90:51] why I think I'm hesitating is because I [90:52] think I think to myself if if I say I've [90:54] made it or I'm at the end of the movie [90:56] then I'm like it kind of robs me of the [90:57] future in a weird way in my head it's [90:59] like robbing me of like doing anything [91:00] else with my future no because what I [91:03] mean yeah yes yes if you feel like the [91:05] end of the movie I'm like oh God like [91:08] yes no that's true you're never at the [91:09] end of the movie but like if you feel [91:10] that you've made it it means you have [91:12] freedom to pursue things and do work for [91:16] meaning as opposed to hitting it yeah of [91:20] course yeah like I used to work in call [91:22] centers at nighttime selling hotel rooms [91:26] and car insurance and artificial grass [91:28] and now I get to sit here and have [91:29] conversations with people like you and [91:30] like people tune in and stuff it's like [91:32] if I don't realize at this moment how [91:34] much um how much privilege I have I [91:37] think I'd be I'd be pretty up so [91:39] yeah I do feel like disproportion like [91:41] unbelievably fortunate in a way that I [91:43] actually don't think I can understand I [91:44] think maybe I dreamed of this but to to [91:48] be here feels [91:49] um feels suspicious [91:54] suspicious yeah there a strange word [91:56] that came to mind yes it feels [91:57] suspicious because [92:00] it I don't know you just think you just [92:03] think sometimes you think are you worri [92:06] it's maybe it is worri but it's also [92:08] just [92:09] like surely not like it's so so [92:12] interesting because I had the dream of [92:13] like being successful in business but I [92:15] didn't have a dream of or ever imagine [92:18] that my life would be like this where [92:21] like people know who you are I never had [92:23] that dream never imagined it being [92:24] possible that was other people for sure [92:27] and so also I I that's a very [92:30] accurate like that's how I think of Will [92:32] Smith in the pursuit of happiness a [92:33] little bit is like you never really see [92:35] him truly happy in that movie no he's [92:37] always just yeah running like that's [92:38] something that I that's why I asked like [92:41] did you get it you know you've pursued [92:43] it you're here of course I'm so chasing [92:45] off to something on that's what I think [92:46] I can H I don't know what I'm chasing I [92:48] wonder what you're chasing after I don't [92:49] know actually don't know but I think [92:50] that you're interviewing for something [92:52] like when I watch your interviews which [92:53] are amazing I'm like he's trying to find [92:55] the answer to something what is it [92:56] always like with every person is a [92:58] different thing and actually most of the [93:00] answers I'm looking for my own answers [93:01] and my general belief is that if I like [93:04] authentically go in search of my own [93:05] answers which requires some level of [93:07] like being open and willing to be uh [93:10] open even though there's a lot of people [93:12] watching then there'll be lots of other [93:13] people out there that are struggling [93:14] with the same things or searching for [93:16] the same answers as well yes this [93:17] interesting I do ask myself a lot what [93:19] am I like what's the point like what am [93:20] I like what am I but is it not the this [93:23] is a bit of a tangent obviously is it [93:24] not the case that we should all be [93:25] searching [93:27] forever like we should all be p in [93:29] pursuit of something forever I do love a [93:32] quest and I love pursuing and I think [93:34] humans are built to pursue things but I [93:36] also think I hope I'm not here yet I'm [93:39] getting there that there's a point in [93:40] our life where we can stop the grind [93:43] like I think I'm grinding a little bit [93:44] in my career I don't know if you feel [93:46] like that like I've made it I feel like [93:47] I've made it i' luckier than I ever I [93:50] can't believe I get paid to do what I do [93:52] but I'm still pursuing uing I hope [93:54] there's a point in my life where I can [93:55] just be sharing wisdom where I'm not [93:58] pursuing anything it's not a number or a [94:01] list or it's just like all I'm doing is [94:03] sharing wi wisdom and giving out public [94:06] education like I think that I'm hopeful [94:09] there's a stage of our life where it's [94:11] just that it's number five on the one [94:14] did Lean which was number four number [94:16] five is actually I have to pause on lean [94:18] because I wanted to ask you about [94:19] something I read in a book um about [94:21] peacocking yes so I read read in this [94:24] pickup artist book that I read when I [94:25] was 18 and some of the videos that I [94:27] watched thereafter and some of the other [94:28] books that I read thereafter and some of [94:29] the other videos I watched thereafter um [94:31] about this concept of peacocking where [94:33] you can if you're like on a date or [94:35] you're interested in a girl or a guy in [94:37] a bar if you lean in too much you [94:39] signaling low value and like overin and [94:42] ever since I learned that I've I've seen [94:44] it everywhere and I've seen it in my [94:46] friends me and my friends went to like [94:47] Mar or somewhere I can't remember it was [94:48] many many years ago and there was this [94:50] beautiful girl there and we were all [94:52] pursuing her yes like that like a [94:54] labrador yeah um and I was saying to my [94:58] boys there's actually a photo of it on [94:59] my phone there me dman and my friend Ash [95:02] sat there and we're looking over our [95:04] some of our other friends and we're [95:06] saying they're peacocking they got no [95:07] chance and that's how the story [95:08] transpired and then when this beautiful [95:10] girl came over to my other friend he was [95:12] aware of this peacocking thing he kept [95:14] his his neck back he kept his chest back [95:16] all these kinds of things he didn't lean [95:17] in even though it was loud and closed [95:21] closed okay here's why [95:24] too much of a lean is bad thing it's [95:26] called a bow right if you lean too far [95:29] over you get very quickly into bowing or [95:31] submissive Behavior we don't like people [95:34] who are submissive to us we want equals [95:36] and so you're absolutely right what it's [95:38] what triggers in the brain if you're [95:39] leaning too much is literally I am [95:41] subservient to you and that makes [95:44] someone who does not want to be in [95:46] control or in an unequal relationship [95:48] feel very uneasy so that is why too much [95:51] of a lean always with these non-verbal [95:52] accusers too much of a a good thing you [95:54] lean too much it's a considerer a bow [95:57] you also don't want to lean the entire [95:58] time CU then you look like a hunchback [96:00] right I'm laring my value by leaning in [96:02] too much and it's distracting like I [96:05] want to lean in as a bold or a highlight [96:07] if I were to be reading a book and [96:08] highlight the entire page the Highlight [96:10] means nothing MH if you lean in when [96:12] someone's like what really and then I [96:15] lean back then it's powerful every [96:18] single one of these cues we are using as [96:19] a bold or an emphasis or a highlight [96:22] just enough of a good thing [96:25] okay not too much leaning just use it as [96:27] a party trick like a no no I mean no I [96:31] mean just use it like as a highlighter [96:33] as a highlighter you're highlighting yes [96:35] yes yes number five okay five non-verbal [96:38] Bridge so this is a concept that I [96:40] learned um on the road so I I saw this [96:42] in action in a lot of our experiments we [96:44] did a big big speed networking [96:45] experiment in our lab where we had 500 [96:47] speed networkers try out different [96:48] conversation starters we've recorded [96:50] them we coded their conversations and we [96:52] looked for patterns of good and bad [96:54] conversations and we found there were [96:56] certain questions that worked better [96:58] than others and there were certain [96:58] questions did terribly and one thing we [97:01] found is that when people rated a [97:02] conversation on a five scale like five [97:04] amazing best conversation I had we're [97:06] going to connect on LinkedIn I think I [97:07] like them the best ones they used a lot [97:10] of non-verbal Bridges non-verbal bridges [97:13] are when someone is trying to bridge the [97:15] distance between you so that could be a [97:17] lean lean is one of them but it also [97:19] could be a reach out we noticed that in [97:21] the good conversations people people [97:23] were trying to physically close the [97:25] distance between them with hand gestures [97:27] with leans with nods with foot movement [97:29] with drinks and when they were close [97:31] enough they would often do very light [97:33] touches on the arms on the shoulder so [97:36] have you seen this like on a really good [97:38] date have you ever been in a restaurant [97:39] like my husband and I like to play this [97:40] game where we look and we try to guess [97:41] if a couple is very like new couple old [97:44] couple how they're doing in a very good [97:46] day they are looking for as many [97:48] opportunities to touch as they possibly [97:50] can that's non-verbal Bridge even if I [97:51] were to be like oh let me tell you [97:52] something like that slight Reach Out tap [97:55] of the knuckles to of the arm that's a [97:56] quick saying I'm going to reach into [97:58] your intimate Zone but I'm not going [97:59] into your intimate Zone and really good [98:01] relationships really warm people are [98:04] those they are bridging all the time [98:06] they walk by you they touch your [98:07] shoulder they say how's it going hey I [98:09] want to thinking about you like they're [98:10] constantly doing these very small [98:12] Bridges and that couldn't might not be [98:14] actual a physical touch it could even be [98:15] the the look of a touch like one thing [98:18] that I teach my students who are [98:19] uncomfortable with touch is you can even [98:21] touch without touching that sounds [98:23] really weird but like put your arm [98:24] closer to me so I can demo it for you so [98:25] like pretend that we're a dinner I could [98:27] be like oh my gosh really okay so you [98:30] didn't touch me my hand but it did the [98:32] same thing yeah not quite oxy did yeah [98:35] but kind you like I get it yeah she's [98:37] trying to close the intimacy of the [98:39] distance so non-verbal Bridges trying to [98:42] reach out reach into someone's space [98:43] very briefly and come back trying to [98:45] lean into someone's face very briefly [98:46] this is why giving people things or [98:48] serving people is such a warm thing you [98:50] hand someone a drink like you come to my [98:52] office I offer you hot hot chocolate I [98:54] offer you tacos I want to break the [98:56] social scripts I want to give you [98:57] something different and I'm looking for [98:58] reasons to serve you you give people [99:00] tacos at your office yeah I'm in Austin [99:03] Texas [99:05] strange you would like it you would like [99:07] it if you were hungry you'd be like give [99:09] me that taco give me that taco it's what [99:12] I don't know if that's office food but [99:14] each to their own um so hugging and [99:17] stuff like that you know there's this [99:19] thing that people talk a lot about which [99:20] is awkward hugging and sometimes you hug [99:22] someone and you just feel like oh they [99:23] didn't like that I didn't like that that [99:24] was bad for both of us yeah horrible can [99:26] we address the hug issue please okay you [99:29] need to Signal what kind of greeting you [99:31] want from the moment someone first sees [99:33] you you can stop awkward greetings from [99:36] happening with simple non-verbal cues [99:38] here's what they are you want a [99:39] handshake so good to see you I want you [99:42] to be doing this from 10 feet away so [99:44] good to see you I'll come in with it [99:46] yeah you're literally signaling to [99:47] someone up so good to see you right this [99:49] immediately signals their brain don't [99:50] try to give me an awkward hug don't side [99:52] hug me don't hug me we're hand shaking [99:54] it is a very clear way to be like it's [99:56] called blading so we angle our body a [99:57] little bit forward and we put one hand [99:59] out you know I'm coming in for a [100:00] handshake if you want a hug and you're a [100:02] hugger it's so good to see you it's so [100:04] good to see you okay arms out arms out [100:07] and that's also going to prevent [100:09] the awkward side hug the worst thing you [100:11] can do is like this which is a kind of [100:14] but what but one arm up people are like [100:17] do I shake it do I side hug are we going [100:18] to are we going to hug are we going to [100:19] high five are we going to fist bump if [100:20] you want a fist bump you're coming in [100:22] with a fist bump from very hugger cuz I [100:25] don't always it context dependent I do [100:28] not like hugging people when I first [100:30] meet meet them I was pitching a TV show [100:32] about recovering awkward people at a [100:35] very big Network and I walk into the [100:37] pitch room and at that point I was a [100:39] hugger or I was I thought I should hug [100:41] because that was one of thing it's in la [100:43] la people are Huggers and cheat kissers [100:44] a lot and so I was like I walk into say [100:47] oh it's so nice to meet you I'm a hugger [100:50] oh yeah and then Z goes I'm not oh [100:54] just cringe oh God just I died inside I [101:00] died inside and you know what that pitch [101:01] went terribly do I have a TV show called [101:04] recovering awkward person no I don't [101:06] that's cuz I think I hugged him and I [101:08] went forward with it too much warmth too [101:11] much warmth not enough [101:13] competence and so I will never do that [101:15] again so now I never ever say I'm a [101:18] hugger and I always offer my hand now if [101:20] someone says to me oh but I'm a hugger [101:22] and they wave my hand away no problem no [101:25] problem that's interesting if we take [101:26] that back to the Charisma framework of [101:28] warmth and competence it is signaling a [101:30] little bit too much a lot of warmth it's [101:32] a lot of warmth and I know a lot about a [101:34] person when they tell me I'm a hugger [101:36] what you know go high warm High warmth [101:39] probably a people pleaser overeager [101:42] really want to connect probably feel [101:44] lonely a little bit afraid and I want to [101:46] make them feel as liked as [101:48] possible gosh that's a lot just from [101:50] that one sentence I've hugged a lot of [101:53] people no it is also I you know I have [101:56] amazing students you know we have [101:58] millions of views on our YouTube channel [102:00] and they feel like they know me and so [102:01] if they want to hug me I'm totally okay [102:03] with it because I've been in their bed [102:05] I've been in their living room I've been [102:06] in their kitchen TV on their phone I've [102:08] shared my stories with them and I [102:11] understand why they want to hug me [102:12] because we feel like friends and that [102:14] actually is a compliment and you like it [102:16] I do like it like when a student says oh [102:17] my gosh I love you I love Captivate I'm [102:19] like come [102:21] here it feels like a friend so on the [102:23] hugging point then as well is there like [102:25] is there a great way to hug someone I [102:27] mean yeah how how is that have you been [102:30] told you're a good hugger because then [102:32] you might not be I've tried to work on [102:34] it so I think I think I am now okay I [102:36] actually have been told I am okay but [102:38] it's it's part of the reason why is [102:39] because I've learned a lot from doing [102:40] this podcast and someone told me don't [102:42] tap on the back don't tap on the back [102:44] and they told me to like we don't like [102:45] being tapped on the head we don't like [102:47] being tapped on the back it's a [102:48] submissive cue right it's like you [102:49] you'll notice um Power Players in [102:51] politics Will sometimes deme someone by [102:53] going hey bud yeah yeah yeah it's so we [102:57] yeah definitely don't hug um so you're [102:58] going to want to approach equally you [103:00] don't want any kind of asymmetry in your [103:02] hug right so that's why you want to [103:03] approach someone like this like no [103:04] asymmetry none of this straight on um [103:07] you so this is hard if you are taller [103:09] than the person you typically want to go [103:10] up like you want to avoid like the who's [103:12] going up right so the taller person [103:14] should always try to go up and you want [103:16] to like literally angle up the lower [103:17] person is going to angle down and you're [103:19] going to try to go torso to [103:21] torso okay [103:23] and I like a two second hug by the way [103:25] there is research on the length of [103:26] handshakes I haven't seen research on [103:28] the length of hugs but a handshake [103:30] should be between one and three pumps [103:33] and one and three or one and three [103:35] seconds so for example we're saying at [103:37] one two three that's good and typically [103:39] they found that if we do a 3se second [103:41] Shake it's with a new person so our [103:43] first Shake was about 3 seconds because [103:45] we didn't know each other but if I were [103:46] to see you again like oh it's so good to [103:48] see [103:50] you okay you do okay so typically if you [103:53] already know someone you're just like [103:54] doing a quick reading it's a 1 second [103:55] and if you don't know someone it's a 3 [103:56] second what if [103:59] I your face as I got to four seconds [104:02] you're like offended you're like not my [104:05] person you like you like cussed me out [104:07] of your eyes yeah was like horrible [104:08] that's how I feel getting my arm back [104:11] you also want to make sure that when [104:12] you're doing a handshake you're offering [104:14] um thumb up thumb up is really important [104:17] um you'll notice certain political power [104:20] players will um hear if yeah that so [104:23] they'll flip you oh Donald Trump yes you [104:26] and he like really pulls and he'll pull [104:28] you he'll pull you off I never shaking [104:30] hands with him so I don't know but um [104:32] I've watched many many a video and he'll [104:34] shake your hand turn you up this is a [104:36] very vulnerable place to be we don't [104:37] like it as humans to have this these [104:39] arteries up so we'll he'll flip so he'll [104:41] he'll flip and he'll pull you off there [104:44] it doesn't feel good does it but what [104:46] does that signal does that signal [104:48] competence and strength no I don't think [104:51] it's either I actually think it's a [104:52] danger C okay CU it's purposely I don't [104:56] none of the cues I teach are [104:57] manipulative in that way like that is [104:59] purposely trying to get someone off [105:01] balance like to give them dis [105:02] equilibrium I like relationships to be [105:04] equal that's why I want you to offer [105:05] thumb up I want I also don't want you to [105:07] open you know offer your hand like you [105:09] know up where you're saying I'm going to [105:10] be submissive to you we don't like that [105:12] right so thumb up I think I can't [105:14] remember where I learned it but I [105:15] learned that if you cut then it's [105:18] signaling warmth so abely I was going to [105:20] cup earlier on but I was holding some [105:21] stuff I remember thinking I sat there [105:23] and on cup why did I get my cup because [105:25] I was holding all your books so I I was [105:27] holding your books I was like I can't [105:28] imagine if I TR to cup with your books I [105:30] was just thr so strange no so cupping is [105:33] really warm it's double the warmth it's [105:35] double the oxytocin it's like a hand hug [105:37] so it's super high in warmth it's also [105:39] called the politician's handshake so you [105:41] only want to do it if you are truly and [105:43] genuinely trying to show warmth [105:44] otherwise it can come across as forced [105:46] okay I also speaking of like weird [105:49] signals I've heard this about men that [105:52] men to men have two different kinds of [105:54] nods tell me if you think this is true [105:57] so if you walk down the hallway and you [105:59] see a man you know you go hey nod up if [106:04] you see a man you don't know you go [106:06] morning and you no down oh that's [106:08] interesting and supposedly it's because [106:10] a person you know you're willing to [106:11] expose this part of your neck but if you [106:14] don't know someone you want to keep your [106:15] chin down and your but you're still [106:16] acknowledging them is that true well do [106:18] you know what's funny is um the way that [106:21] I think about it is if I see a black guy [106:23] guy okay out and about okay pretty much [106:26] anywhere and they they know me whatever [106:29] they'll typically do that up there's [106:31] something about I don't I don't know if [106:33] I'm just making this up but there's [106:35] something about like being part of they [106:37] I can see them from across the room have [106:39] no idea who they are and in group it's [106:42] like a I see you me and you are and I [106:44] trust you it's a way of being like I'm [106:46] willing to expose this I trust you oh [106:48] okay so interesting interesting so I've [106:52] noticed that women don't do that okay so [106:57] that's oh yes KN down is I see you [106:59] stranger okay morning so interesting got [107:02] noted so interesting so so [107:05] interesting I'm a a CEO um I do speaking [107:09] on stage you you speak on stage as well [107:12] you're very very good at it is there [107:13] anything that I should know if I'm a [107:14] leader in a business or I'm a public [107:16] speaker that I should be thinking most [107:17] about when I'm up on stage to signal I [107:20] don't know whatever I want to signal to [107:21] get whatever I want yes purposeful [107:24] movement a big mistake I see CEOs make [107:27] on stage is they either don't have [107:29] purposeful movement so they Pace the [107:31] stage back and forth or they're stuck in [107:34] one point and they don't move from that [107:36] point and it makes them look very stiff [107:38] I believe you should block your speeches [107:40] just very subtly so for example I always [107:43] when I deliver I start in the middle of [107:45] the stage always always so when I'm [107:47] being introduced right your first few [107:49] seconds on stage is the most important [107:50] for your entire talk so as you're being [107:52] introduced you walk on stage pick a [107:54] point and walk purposefully to it don't [107:56] Meander on the stage you're walking [107:59] right to the middle of the stage or the [108:01] left of the stage however you pick and [108:02] you're delivering your first opening [108:04] lines opening story in that Middle Point [108:06] that's where I like it and that [108:07] intention walking on stage is going to [108:09] make you look so much more confident and [108:11] not disorganized or um ambiguous then if [108:16] you can this is for the advanced speaker [108:18] and this is you I think you want to help [108:20] your audience with your stage movement [108:22] so in my presentations when I'm sharing [108:25] science or fact or research I'm on the [108:28] left hand side of the stage when I'm [108:30] moving to personal story gifts anecdotes [108:32] or a funny video I'm on the right side [108:34] of the stage that is a way I'm helping [108:36] my audience organize and categorize my [108:38] talks I've also noticed in the audience [108:40] there are highly warm people and there [108:42] are highly competent people I've noticed [108:44] if I train them that way I'm doing a [108:46] 60-minute keynote they they begin to [108:48] subconsciously recognize it my highly [108:50] competent folks perk right up I get to [108:53] the left side of stage oh this is for me [108:55] and my highly warm folks are like ha my [108:57] turn and it really helps them know when [108:59] to pay the most attention so you should [109:01] think about for your talks you also can [109:03] do this chronologically so some of my [109:05] students are like Ted speakers and [109:06] they're telling more of a chronological [109:08] story as opposed to like making points I [109:11] will often teach them to start like we [109:13] like to you know in in Western cultures [109:14] we read from left to right I like them [109:17] to actually start on the left hand side [109:18] of the stage or the audience's left [109:21] because the beginning of their story [109:22] starts here and they share their [109:23] childhood there's pictur of their [109:24] childhood on the slide and they slowly [109:26] begin to move over to the middle when [109:27] the middle part of their Journey happens [109:29] and they finally get to their Arc their [109:31] knowledge their ah they finally they [109:33] made it over to the far side of the [109:34] stage the far right side of the stage [109:36] and in terms of what I'm saying we [109:38] talked a little bit about the actual [109:39] content of what I'm saying because this [109:41] applies not just to when I'm on stage [109:42] but also to emails and whatsapps and I [109:45] think most of our communication these [109:46] days is on a screen so if I'm trying to [109:49] be a master of structuring a sentence on [109:52] a screen to set people up for Success [109:56] okay what what like what is what have I [109:58] got to be thinking [110:00] about what emotion do you want your [110:02] person to feel when they see your name [110:05] in their inbox on stage in LinkedIn MH [110:10] that is the emotion that you want to [110:12] label [110:13] yourself so for example in your talks [110:16] like for example in my talks I am trying [110:19] to acknowledge the pain of awkwardness I [110:22] don't want people to feel like they are [110:24] unseen so when I say you're overlooked [110:26] you're misunderstood you're [110:27] underestimated you feel awkward and out [110:30] of control and anxious and overwhelmed I [110:32] hear you you're not alone I've been [110:34] there and then the solution to that [110:36] feeling the where it gets better is [110:38] confidence and presence and memorability [110:41] and the mechanism is Blueprints and [110:43] formula and hard skills that helps me [110:48] gift to the audience a solution emotion [110:51] so for you I would say what are the pain [110:53] points you want your audience to [110:54] resonate with so they feel heard by you [110:56] seen by you understood by you what's the [110:59] goal emotion that you want to give them [111:01] from your talk from your podcast from [111:02] the email that they're subscribing to [111:05] and then what's your mechanism what's [111:06] your way that you do that [111:09] imperfection so imperfection I was I was [111:12] watching a video of yours I think from [111:13] 10 years ago where you were sat with two [111:15] lovely people talking about Charisma and [111:18] one of the things you said earlier in [111:19] the video is that I think it was like TV [111:22] shop or something like that where like a [111:23] lady made a mistake she like spilled a [111:25] milkshake or something and she did more [111:27] sales because she spilled a milkshake [111:30] yes that's it explain this to me yes [111:31] another study by Dr Richard wisman who [111:34] wanted to know do you have to be perfect [111:37] which for many years I wanted to be [111:39] perfect and then I realized oh there is [111:41] no such thing as perfect and I don't [111:42] want to be that way very simple he had a [111:45] model selling a blender in a mall and in [111:48] one version she had the perfect pitch [111:50] and now take your strawberries and your [111:51] bananas and just the button and here you [111:53] have perfect smoothies and the second [111:55] one she he had same smoothie same pitch [111:58] same verbal but she spills the Smoothie [112:00] on the table as she's pouring it people [112:03] bought more of the blender when she [112:04] spilled the [112:06] Smoothie now does this mean I want you [112:08] to perfectely spill your smoothies no I [112:10] did have a piece of kale in my teeth [112:11] earlier and I really considered coming [112:13] in with it just to see what would happen [112:15] I did I did I did think about it but I [112:17] didn't do it but I do think there's like [112:21] stop trying to be perfect own your [112:23] authentic vulnerabilities don't [112:24] purposely smell a smoothie don't [112:26] purposely smell your coffee by the way [112:27] that that experiment was repeated with [112:28] coffee and job interviews if I remember [112:30] correctly they had an audio clip um and [112:34] hirers were raing job candidates on [112:36] performance and in one of the audio [112:38] clips they had him spill his coffee oh [112:40] whoops o oops oops sorry about that [112:41] spill my coffee let's get that and then [112:43] go back to the interview and they raided [112:45] that candidate as a better candidate [112:47] even though he spilled his coffee why [112:50] it's called the other shoe effect [112:53] we know that every no one's perfect we [112:54] know this it's impossible and so when [112:56] we're interacting with someone even on a [112:58] commercial even interview we're like [113:00] what's wrong with [113:01] you what is your [113:04] imperfection and it kind of distracts us [113:06] that this research the other shoe effect [113:08] found the longer the interview goes on [113:10] without something dropped like without [113:11] the other shoe to drop the more the [113:13] interviewer is like H what's going on [113:17] here and the more they'll try to ask [113:18] questions to try to find it you are [113:20] better off in an interviewer on a date [113:22] dropping your [113:23] shoe so sharing whatever that [113:26] vulnerability or imperfection is closer [113:28] to the start of the interview or the [113:29] date because it helps the other person a [113:31] get to know you better but also not be [113:33] so worried that they're not seeing your [113:34] true [113:35] imperfection Captivate when I first [113:37] wrote it my intro was really really [113:41] boring and my publisher I love her Nikki [113:45] my editor wrote back and she's like [113:46] Vanessa your intro doesn't sound like [113:48] you it sounds like you're trying to be [113:50] something you're not and she was right I [113:52] was trying to sound like an academic [113:54] researcher I'm not an academic [113:55] researcher I'm a behavior researcher I'm [113:57] a pop scientist I'm a recovering awkward [113:59] person she's like start with that so the [114:02] opening line of captivate is hi I'm [114:04] Vanessa I'm a recovering awkward person [114:06] that is why that book hit the bestseller [114:08] list I dropped the shoe yes I teach [114:11] Charisma yes I teach body language I am [114:13] still in recovery I am still constantly [114:15] worried that people hate me I have a [114:17] small and wonderful group of friends but [114:18] otherwise people make me still nervous I [114:20] know how to deal with it I how to make [114:22] convers [114:23] but I want you to know there's still [114:25] awkwardness here no matter how many of [114:27] these you learn you're probably still [114:29] going to face awkwardness and overwhelm [114:30] but at least it will be a little bit [114:31] easier so I think it's really important [114:34] that we plan to share our Perfections [114:37] and not try to hide it weal branding [114:41] uhuh is a big thing now because we have [114:43] social media we have LinkedIn it's a big [114:44] part of what gets you a job and gets you [114:46] opportunities and gets you speaking [114:47] appointments and book deals Etc so [114:49] everybody is uh well most people are [114:51] playing the game of personal branding to [114:52] some degree yeah so as you were saying [114:55] about um being perfect and showing [114:57] imperfections again it feels like [114:59] there's a there's like a uh like a is [115:03] gradient the right word like a spectrum [115:05] that's a nice word for sure you can go [115:07] too far with imperfection oh yeah me and [115:09] my friends call this deficiency [115:10] promotion what and then on the other end [115:12] of the spectrum you've got ideas [115:13] promotion which is like when you're all [115:15] about like look how smart I am and these [115:16] are my ideas and deficiency promotion is [115:19] look how traumatized broken sick ill I [115:23] am and you build a whole brand around [115:26] that yeah and you can like you know so [115:30] you're probably still going to get [115:31] speaking appointments either side [115:33] because you know they're going to want [115:34] people to speak about this stuff but [115:35] also this stuff but I think you have to [115:37] be quite intentional about how you show [115:38] up on this spectrum well first of all [115:40] what's true right like the very first [115:42] question is like don't purposely s spill [115:44] the Smoothie but you know what's [115:45] interesting is when you build a brand it [115:47] becomes self-reinforcing so I see people [115:50] on both sides of the spectrum maybe they [115:52] started in the middle and then they got [115:54] likes and followers that are like get go [115:57] further like what else is wrong with you [115:59] that's why we love you you're so Bren [116:01] toally totally I think that there are [116:03] people who are locked into being broken [116:05] and being messy and people don't want to [116:07] see them Triumph however I think it is [116:10] important to show people if you are very [116:12] broken and in a bad point in a bad stage [116:14] in your life like show it and then show [116:16] them how you're a hero out of it that [116:17] can Inspire other Heroes I agree but is [116:20] there such a thing as spending too long [116:22] in either Camp do you know what I mean [116:24] cuz we like a little bit of oh you had a [116:26] bad day great but you have a bad life is [116:29] Different Strokes for different folks I [116:31] think there are people who would stay [116:32] all over there forever yeah but if [116:34] you're there for 10 years where you're [116:35] just every day you're showing up like [116:36] another day for me for 10 years [116:39] think they would still get likes I think [116:41] would they would course they would [116:43] Conant I mean it would be Mis miserable [116:44] for you as a person but if that's your [116:46] brand that's your brand I guess I guess [116:48] you said that the most important thing [116:49] which is like who are you yeah like if [116:51] that's the truth if you're you're having [116:52] a decade of then be honest you got a [116:55] decade of you got a decade of [116:57] it it's interesting with social media [116:59] that I think social media started in a [117:01] place where it was you know the marger [117:03] on the beach and that that was in such [117:05] high Supply that something else became [117:08] in Greater Supply which was being a bit [117:10] more honest and stretch marks on the [117:11] beach yeah exactly stretch marks on the [117:12] beach that's exactly what happened and [117:13] those are people who' have gone viral [117:14] from those kind of posts I would I do [117:16] want to say something about personal [117:17] branding I think about it a little bit [117:18] differently um so in the very last [117:20] section of cues I talk about visual [117:23] um we have to remember that the cues in [117:25] our brand the colors we wear what's [117:28] behind you in your background the props [117:30] you're holding in your picture what's [117:32] back behind you in your videos they are [117:34] triggering neural networks so for [117:37] example they've research this if I say [117:39] free associate to fire Tru you might say [117:43] red engine dog and you might start to [117:46] associate different words there are [117:48] really common neural networks so what [117:50] you want to think about is what what [117:52] neural networks are you triggering in [117:54] your personal brand so for example I [117:58] like you to create strong neural [118:00] networks all my single students my [118:01] students who are dating I say your [118:03] profile picture should be triggering all [118:06] kinds of neural networks that you like [118:08] so if you love skiing you should be on a [118:11] slope holding skis because for some [118:14] people that will trigger a fierce fear [118:16] neural network right like I'm not a [118:17] skier I see skis I'm like cold scared [118:21] alone [118:22] right like knees hurting like that's [118:24] what I think when I see skis I would not [118:26] be a good partner for them but someone [118:28] else is going to be like Adventure [118:30] family fun vacations that's your person [118:33] every picture on your profile should be [118:35] creating allergies and attractors should [118:38] be activating neural networks for your [118:40] person you want them to have similar [118:41] neural networks to you my husband and I [118:44] I think if you were to show us both [118:45] pictures of the same things we would [118:46] have very similar neural networks for [118:48] different vacations different props [118:50] different foods different activities and [118:53] that's because we have similar ways of [118:54] thinking we are very different but we [118:56] activate the same similar neural [118:58] networks for pain and pleasure okay I [119:00] had a conversation with a really good [119:01] friend of mine about this okay um they [119:03] are looking for a partner okay and they [119:05] are approaching their 40s and they were [119:08] asking me about their Instagram and the [119:10] first thing I noticed about their [119:11] Instagram is I would say 80% of pictures [119:15] they're holding a cocktail or a drink of [119:18] alcohol now as I looked at the Instagram [119:21] I go oh party go I don't think like [119:24] settle down and let's have a family [119:26] absolutely does she want to have a [119:27] family yes okay wrong pictures okay she [119:29] is activating the wrong neural networks [119:31] for men she's dating men yeah she's [119:33] dating the wrong you're men are going to [119:35] look at that and be like party girl fun [119:37] out not the mother of my children so [119:39] those are creating allergies for the [119:41] ideal man so what does she need to [119:43] change she needs okay so what kind of [119:46] husband and father does she want does [119:48] she want an outdoor lover a good one [119:50] that can she she said to me I want a [119:51] good one that that can help me with some [119:52] of these overheads overheads [119:57] bills she doesn't want him to pay all [119:59] the bills she just wants some help with [120:00] the bills okay so okay so a hard [120:02] worker she ears a lot of money okay so [120:03] that's pictures of her you know working [120:05] hard at a conference what kind of way [120:07] does she spend to her weekend she's [120:08] hiking or she's biking or she's running [120:10] across the Brooklyn Bridge or she's [120:11] running a marathon or she's loves with [120:13] dogs or she loves cats or she's eating [120:15] big waffles and pancakes like she should [120:17] be taking pictures of what she wants to [120:19] do with her partner so that they look at [120:21] that and they're like I want to join her [120:22] for that and you also want to create [120:26] allergies you don't want to appeal to [120:27] everyone cuz you're going to go on bad [120:28] dates the other thing I know about this [120:30] person is is something you said about [120:32] earlier it's just their their body [120:33] language as I think about it is just so [120:35] it's like trying to take up less space [120:37] is any way I can describe it contracted [120:39] exactly like that right so so when we [120:40] talk about distance between like so ear [120:42] ear ear L and shoulder distance number [120:44] one second distance is important between [120:47] your arm and your torso in a good [120:49] conversation we have distance that's [120:50] fluctuating a lot like right I'm talking [120:52] my arms are going out you're seeing [120:53] distance between my torso and my arm [120:55] people who are very anxious yeah like in [120:58] like just like a pencil or like penguin [121:00] I call it penguin where they like don't [121:02] ever release their arms from their torso [121:05] and they're very contracted they have [121:06] very minimal hand gestures and they'll [121:08] often clutch something to their chest [121:09] now if I were to give the entire [121:10] interview like this you would think oh [121:12] man she is nervous or she's um you know [121:16] afraid or she's anxious because I don't [121:18] have that space the moment I release [121:20] that space it makes me look more [121:21] confident so [121:22] that's the other distance you can play [121:23] with hand gestures really help with that [121:26] handes help with space with vocal [121:28] variety with comprehension that's why I [121:30] like them so much so if I'm trying to [121:32] get her a husband I'd like to we've been [121:34] friends for a long time almost a decade [121:36] and I have sat in the passenger seat of [121:39] her life and tried to be a supportive [121:41] friend in any way but if I tried to give [121:42] her advice in terms of cues and body [121:44] language and sentences on how to get a [121:47] partner where do we start okay so one [121:49] let's get her some pictures that are [121:51] going to attract the right person and [121:52] create allergies for the wrong person [121:54] okay two her main profile pictures [121:56] should be showing warm and competent [121:59] body language yeah authentic smile maybe [122:02] a head tilt maybe you have a hand [122:04] gesture maybe that's too much warmth I [122:05] want to see a lot of space between your [122:07] earlobe and your shoulder make sure it's [122:09] a symmetrical smile make sure we're not [122:11] contempt make sure we're not [122:13] accidentally fear smiling right so the [122:15] profile picture is number one most [122:17] important yes [122:19] okay you're laugh it's a lot okay oh we [122:23] we it's going to be hard we got to find [122:24] her her husband we haven't got much time [122:25] yet that okay we got we got to find her [122:29] husband the interpersonal body language [122:32] is really hard as a friend to correct on [122:34] someone may I ask you does she use vocal [122:36] fry what's that does she ever talk like [122:39] this where it's kind of like a frying [122:40] pan where she's not using her full voice [122:43] typically people who use contracted [122:45] small body language often have that kind [122:47] of a vocal power and so they go into a [122:50] pattern like this and then and like oh [122:52] like I mean I just like watered the [122:54] plants this weekend and like also the [122:57] inton the um the end of this sentence [122:59] goes up right so that's the first thing [123:02] I would actually try to help her with is [123:04] um making sure that she does not [123:06] accidentally use vocal fry it's usually [123:08] an accident here's the fastest way to [123:09] get vocal fry rid of vocal fry if you [123:11] are using it you hear yourself using it [123:13] or someone else is using it just speak [123:16] louder vocal fry happens from a lack of [123:18] breath what actually is happening is [123:20] you're speaking in your vocal cords are [123:22] rattling it's a terrible noise but [123:24] that's it's my vocal cords rattling [123:26] together and the moment that I speak [123:27] louder it goes away it goes away so [123:30] often times when we're lacking [123:31] confidence or we have tight body we have [123:33] less breath and we create vocal fry so [123:34] just ask her to speak up a little bit [123:38] okay it's hard to get someone to stand [123:41] more broadly because if they're [123:43] uncomfortable with it they don't like it [123:45] so what I would recommend is she should [123:46] do activity dates when you're at dinner [123:49] with someone or at brunch or at coffee [123:51] at a bar you're like this so what do you [123:54] do and you're like shriveled and you're [123:56] like clutching your drink and you're in [123:58] your patterns you're in those patterns [124:00] go on Hikes go play pickle ball go learn [124:03] pickle ball go play ping pong like do [124:05] something physical because then it's [124:06] much easier to be [124:10] broad interesting okay that makes a lot [124:12] of sense actually yeah because you're [124:13] going to if it's in a context you're [124:15] super familiar with you the old patterns [124:16] are going to be triggered in you yes and [124:18] I've tried to get people to stand more [124:19] broadly just by telling them and it can [124:21] it helps the awareness helps but it's [124:23] much easier when you're actually in a [124:25] context that helps you be that way I [124:27] read a study um from your work that said [124:30] in a study to see how men and women look [124:32] at body language differently they put [124:34] people in an MRI machine and had them [124:36] try and read body language um from just [124:38] pictures alone what happened what did [124:41] they find out so I believe women [124:43] activated 14 to 16 areas of their brain [124:45] activated while trying to read those [124:47] body language pictures and Men I believe [124:49] it was half of that in other words when [124:52] women were looking at pictures of body [124:53] language lots of connections were [124:56] happening they were making predictions [124:58] they were thinking about personality [124:59] they were thinking about emotions they [125:00] were looking at their clothes they were [125:02] looking at their facial structure women [125:04] were taking a much broader picture of [125:06] the body language whereas men were I [125:07] think much more Q focused ah broad [125:11] shoulders feet apart hands visible [125:15] neither of these are right or wrong [125:17] actually in fact men can sometimes be [125:19] easier to teach like my students are 50 [125:22] men and women but sometimes men can they [125:23] can focus in on the cue that I'm trying [125:25] to teach them they can understand it [125:26] they can comprehend it got it it's [125:28] decoded women tend to create a whole [125:30] narrative so I play game sometimes with [125:31] my students where I say okay tell me [125:34] about someone he has a [125:36] mohawk and men will often say I don't [125:39] let them hear the women first men will [125:40] often be like he has a [125:43] mohawk he's a man he's not bald women [125:47] will be like okay he's a bad boy and he [125:51] probably has has earrings and I bet you [125:52] he drives a motorcycle and I bet he'd be [125:54] really fun on a date but probably a [125:56] drinker and they will just go [125:59] interesting so this is it's good and bad [126:01] right like that also can hinder women [126:03] and by the way I'm making a big [126:05] generalizations on this this is not the [126:07] the generalization part we have to make [126:09] sure we're careful on women tend to [126:12] globalize a queue like they'll see a [126:14] queue and be like oh that means he's bad [126:16] or that means he's dangerous I'm never [126:18] he's toxic never gonna talk to him yeah [126:22] um whereas men will sometimes you know [126:24] oh it's probably a bad day or I'll I'll [126:26] give her or him a second chance so we [126:29] just have to be a little bit aware of [126:30] our own interpr our own lenses we'll say [126:33] is there anything else that I should say [126:34] to my friend in in order to help them [126:37] because sometimes I wonder you know [126:38] there's tips tricks tactics they can [126:39] lean they can do this whatever but is [126:41] there something deeper that is easier [126:43] and you know why I say this that book [126:45] the game I went off to University I [126:46] lasted for one lecture but while I was [126:48] there I met this guy called Joe my [126:50] friend I won't say his second name cuz [126:51] will identify him but I met my friend [126:53] Joe and I said to Joe listen my friend I [126:55] said this book The Game really useful [126:57] Tau me a lot about like you know [126:59] interpersonal um Dynamics you should [127:01] read it gave the book to him he read it [127:03] we went out to the club that day he [127:05] it up like he went out there he [127:07] he started negging people insulting [127:09] people whatever and I just thought God [127:10] you know you just can't teach it that's [127:12] what I thought I thought there's so many [127:14] and actually when I reflect on the [127:15] people in my life this guy called Dan [127:16] I'll say his name Dan Capon Dan Capon in [127:19] school was always just so so good with [127:23] the opposite sex he was just always he's [127:24] one of those people he's charismatic he [127:27] was funny he's like that cocky funny [127:29] yeah yeah just a natural no one taught [127:32] him that yeah and so I look at my friend [127:34] Joe I look at my friend Dan I go you it [127:38] doesn't matter if you read the book [127:39] because I'm not saying your book your [127:40] book's amazing everyone needs to go read [127:41] your books no they really do it's a [127:42] great book but I'm saying is there [127:44] something deeper within us like for my [127:46] friend that has the shriveled posture [127:48] yeah is it just like tactics and tips I [127:53] think anyone can learn it okay I I [127:56] really truly believe that I have seen [127:59] the most awkward uncomfortable people [128:02] totally shut [128:03] down slowly transform or completely [128:06] transform and remember they don't who is [128:09] your uncharismatic friend what was the [128:10] fake first name you used he's not he's [128:12] not uncharismatic he just I just gave [128:14] him the book and he just like who is Joe [128:16] Joe Joe doesn't need to have a complete [128:19] transformation to find his soulmate Joe [128:21] does not need to have a complete [128:22] transformation to have friends you're [128:24] his friend so even if he has a couple of [128:27] tactics like stop asking what do you do [128:30] it's boring M like start making eye [128:32] contact especially the end of sentences [128:34] for 60 70% of the time oh people [128:36] suddenly feel listen to hey ask better [128:39] questions to your friends you'll get to [128:40] know them better those tactics will get [128:43] him friendships hopefully a girlfriend [128:46] hopefully a job so I think that everyone [128:49] can make small or big changes I don't [128:53] think there's anyone who's unteachable [128:55] do you think there's a relationship [128:57] between these tactics and tips and your [129:00] actual confidence I.E does it become [129:02] like a [129:03] self-reinforcing yes so much so like [129:06] that is the only way I found confidence [129:09] the only way that I was able to conquer [129:11] my awkwardness and actually begin to go [129:12] out and try to make friends and be less [129:14] lonely I mean I was so lonely was that I [129:18] was like okay I have a goal I'm going to [129:20] ask someone one what have you been doing [129:23] that's been exciting recently I'm going [129:24] to ask that question that gave me just [129:26] enough confidence to get out the door [129:28] and to get to that party and then when I [129:30] got a good answer someone's like oh yeah [129:32] you know I am working on something [129:33] exciting I was like oh and then they [129:35] felt excited I felt excited and so like [129:37] that one tool gave me enough confidence [129:39] to go out so these tools give you [129:40] confidence to try something new and to [129:43] break your pattern if you feel stuck and [129:45] this is for anyone if you feel stuck [129:48] then you have to try something different [129:50] if you keep doing the same thing you're [129:52] going to keep getting the same thing so [129:53] that means you have to ask different [129:54] kinds of questions you have to use [129:56] different kind of body language cues and [129:57] if you're willing to try just something [129:59] different something will change for [130:02] you is are these cues this body language [130:05] more important for one gender typically [130:07] than the other not that I've seen not [130:09] the research has not found that good for [130:12] both and what's in terms of [130:15] Attraction is what is do you think the [130:17] most important thing is it competent is [130:20] it strong is it okay so this is not this [130:23] is research so I believe it was Monica [130:24] Moore who did this research she found [130:27] that the people who got approached the [130:29] most at clubs the people who got [130:30] approached the most were just had the [130:33] biggest signal of [130:35] availability so they weren't the most [130:37] attractive men and women she did this [130:38] for both men and women they were not the [130:39] most attractive men and women in fact [130:40] the most attractive women in the in the [130:42] room if they had closed body language [130:43] closed off Body Language they were not [130:45] approach they did not get dates they did [130:46] not get out their number it was the men [130:48] and women who signaled I'm available [130:51] how' you signal one available okay so uh [130:53] this is really important for dating in [130:55] the sense of wanting to be approach [130:57] dating one to one is a little bit [130:58] different right you don't need to Signal [130:59] this if you're one to one but if you're [131:00] in a big room or you're speed networking [131:02] one is open body no blocking I never [131:05] want anything in front of your torso I [131:08] don't want this I don't so I don't want [131:10] arms crossed I don't want Cup in front [131:11] of you I don't want you clutching your [131:13] computer or your iPad or your phone I [131:16] want you to make sure that your torso is [131:17] open and angled out towards the room I [131:19] like croissant feet you know [131:21] parallel feet are like what we're doing [131:23] right now in a dating situation I want [131:25] you to have croissant feet which is your [131:26] your feet are angled toward the biggest [131:28] part of the room saying I'm open come [131:31] and approach me okay that signals to [131:33] both men and women oh maybe that person [131:35] is literally physically open to someone [131:37] coming in and breaking this conversation [131:39] it also means small darting glances to [131:42] everyone around the room everyone [131:44] everyone you want to approach you oh [131:45] everyone you want to approach you yeah [131:47] how many times do someone got to do a [131:48] glance to get someone to come over so [131:49] mon Moore actually studied this I [131:51] believe it took eight glances to get [131:53] someone to approach don't quote me on [131:55] that it was it was way higher than I [131:57] thought like I was like two maybe three [132:00] I think it was something insane like [132:01] eight could you imagine being in a bar [132:03] and looking at someone eight times [132:05] that's how many times it took to get [132:07] that person to come over and these are [132:08] quick glances not like you know cat like [132:10] it's a it's a side glance it's a side [132:12] glance and a smile it's a flip of the [132:14] hair and a look over right those are the [132:16] kind of glances that we're talking about [132:18] and there it takes eight sometimes so [132:20] croissant feet open body quick short [132:23] glances I would also try one of my [132:25] secret tricks for daters is um generally [132:29] gesturing in their Direction so like [132:31] let's see like like there's a hot guy [132:33] right over there that I can see i' I've [132:35] been married for 18 years just to be [132:37] okay yeah um if you want you okay drop [132:41] something you called him hot you called [132:43] him hot he's freaking [132:45] out okay so there's a hot guy right over [132:47] there that I want to see and I'm talking [132:49] to you I might make some quick [132:51] glances over but I also might like when [132:53] I'm gesturing I'm sort of gesturing [132:55] towards them so I'm on their line of [132:57] gesturing so like if I'm gesturing out [132:59] I'm I'm making a gesture for them to [133:01] literally come over like I'm like [133:02] gesturing and then I'm like I want them [133:04] to like literally come over I'm sort of [133:05] gesturing but I'm talking but I'm open [133:07] gesturing ah interes it work if they are [133:11] attracted to you at all they will come [133:12] over if they don't come over they're [133:14] probably not attracted do you try [133:15] someone else what about men how do men [133:18] signal in this oh sorry same same so [133:20] like a man can the same thing now women [133:22] are less likely to approach men in a [133:24] crowded environment culturally that's [133:26] not as accepted so it's going to be [133:28] harder to for a man to get a woman to [133:30] come over but it does work very well for [133:32] men to warm a woman up that you she is [133:34] about to be approached with those things [133:37] quick glances open gestures croissant [133:39] feet towards her that way when you do [133:41] approach she knows that your attention [133:44] has been on her and look at her [133:46] responses to your gestures and your [133:47] glances if she meets your glance great [133:51] if she turns away from you turns her [133:53] feet away from you she's not probably [133:56] very receptive to your approach so it's [133:58] a good way to kind of test the waters [133:59] before you actually approach it's [134:01] difficult in this day and age isn't it [134:02] to know if you can roll up on someone [134:04] because there's a lot of like you know [134:06] too cool for school that's what I see [134:07] and also there's like a big culture now [134:10] of inappropriate [134:12] advances yes but I'm going to be [134:14] optimistic and say look I'm not single [134:16] so I I know that's different but I think [134:19] people are lonely and I think people so [134:23] want to meet their person so if you are [134:26] actually in person and you were [134:28] interested in [134:29] someone it is such a gift to go up to [134:31] someone and be like hey I like you I saw [134:34] you across the [134:35] room J I think I said this on one or two [134:38] podcasts before but I didn't really get [134:40] a answer from anybody I had this kid at [134:42] this event that I spoke at okay and he [134:44] was in the front R it just it really [134:45] moved me because it made me realize that [134:47] there's so many people out there [134:49] especially in the world we live in now [134:50] in 2024 for 2025 or whatever who want [134:54] friends you just said loneliness right [134:57] they want to make her friend and it's so [134:58] weird this kid stood up bless him in [135:01] this talk I was doing and he put his [135:03] hands up in the air and there's a [135:04] thousand people um around him it was [135:06] this talk I did in Canary wolf in London [135:07] which is like it's like New York of [135:09] London it's like really really busy [135:11] they're all wearing suits these kids [135:12] because they work in the city and he [135:13] stood up and he went my question is how [135:16] do I make friends oh and you can imagine [135:18] the guts it takes to say that in front [135:19] of a room of a thousand people [135:21] he went how do I make friends what' you [135:23] say do you have any friends do I have [135:26] any friends I have a couple not many but [135:29] it's funny because what I actually said [135:31] it took me off took me off guard but [135:32] what I ended up saying was what you just [135:35] did is how you make friends you know [135:37] what I'm saying so like that that [135:38] willingness to be vulnerable in that way [135:40] because I said I know what's going to [135:41] happen after I finish on stage here and [135:42] walk off people are going to come up to [135:44] you yeah yeah okay so I have a framework [135:46] for how to make friends as adults okay I [135:48] think it's really important I think it's [135:50] somehow acceptable in our society to [135:52] approach friendship like dating but [135:53] that's how we should think about it is [135:55] meeting two or three amazing people is [135:59] so important for your health for your [136:01] happiness for your success it is so [136:04] important to date your friends like that [136:06] is incredibly important one of my best [136:07] friends is Cody Sanchez because she is [136:09] incredibly inspiring incredibly smart [136:12] incredibly funny but I dated a lot of [136:14] people in Austin a lot of girls in [136:15] Austin to find her I know she did too it [136:18] was my bachelorette for friends era [136:20] where I was looking for girlfriends and [136:22] we just like hit it off and like we've [136:24] been able to grow our businesses [136:25] together so one is you should change [136:27] your mindset finding friends is like [136:29] dating you are looking for your friend [136:31] soulmate and then you should approach [136:33] those friends just like you would a [136:35] potential partner you want someone with [136:36] similar values you want Sim someone who [136:39] activates the same neural networks as [136:40] you they like the same activities and [136:41] you want someone who you test it out you [136:44] would never move in with a friend or [136:46] never move with someone who just started [136:47] dating same thing with a friend you [136:49] don't want to get too close too fast [136:51] so I highly recommend go on friendship [136:54] dates and you want them to be different [136:55] every time take them to places that you [136:58] love and try to make them a little bit [137:01] allergic so for example there's a place [137:03] this is going to sound crazy but it [137:04] works so there's a place in Austin [137:06] called uh Casa Delo if anyone's been [137:08] there in Austin and it's a vegan hippie [137:11] spot it's been there forever and you go [137:13] in and it's one meal You Can't customize [137:15] it and they plop it down on your tray [137:17] and you eat it like a cafeteria food and [137:19] I love it and I love taking really high [137:21] maintenance women there just to see what [137:23] they're going to do because the the [137:24] women who are like can I please get a [137:28] not a I'm like we're not going to be [137:30] friends we cannot be friends you don't [137:32] like those people nope that modified [137:34] them that's why I left La mm I mean you [137:36] can modify a little bit but like there's [137:37] a way that you kind do it and here you [137:39] can't you literally cannot modify and so [137:42] it's interesting to see how people deal [137:43] with that circumstance and I found my [137:46] best closest friends are like cool let's [137:48] go with it like that's a way that that I [137:51] see very into their personality that's [137:52] like a very weird story people are going [137:53] to be like she's so weird no wonder she [137:54] doesn't have any friends true I don't [137:56] have a lot of friends but the friends I [137:57] have I love we go to C all the time so [137:59] you should think about activities or [138:01] places with your friends where you're [138:03] going to be able to test out a value or [138:05] something that you really appreciate in [138:07] friends what if you don't have friends [138:09] I'm thinking about this kid like and [138:11] especially if you're a man because men [138:13] just struggle more it's it's it's it [138:15] actually feels awkward sometimes [138:18] when I make dates for my hband I I have [138:21] to get make dates friend dates for my [138:23] husband as well no I totally get I see [138:25] it um activities so like where's the [138:27] place you like to hang out what's the [138:29] thing that you do is it you know axe [138:31] throwing is it going to soccer games is [138:34] it crazy mileage runs is it hiking group [138:37] is it pickle ball like find the activity [138:39] you love and then just slowly just like [138:42] we're talking about dating slowly hit [138:43] them up work on anything exciting these [138:45] days what's your big goal for 2025 like [138:48] those are the questions the reason I [138:49] have these questions is they're dating [138:51] questions but they're also friendship [138:53] questions if you live in that activity [138:54] for long enough you'll find your people [138:56] what are you seeing in terms of [138:58] interpersonal relationship shifts in the [139:00] sort of 15 years has it been since [139:02] you've been 18 years you you must have [139:04] seen societal level shifts in our [139:07] interpersonal skills our friendships Etc [139:09] what are you saying airpods are killing [139:14] friendship airpods are going to ruin our [139:17] interpersonal interactions and here's [139:19] the difference I've seen that biggest [139:20] difference the last 18 years 18 years [139:23] ago you could maybe wear a Walkman [139:25] around campus or around the city or on a [139:28] subway but really your ears were open [139:31] and so what would happen is you get on [139:32] the subway or you'd walk across campus [139:34] or you'd walk down the hallway and [139:35] someone would be like Hey Stephen how's [139:37] it going you know pretty good crazy week [139:40] oh really what you working on like it [139:42] was so much easier to have those tiny [139:45] micro moments of connection that van [139:46] Sloan study was done before airpods and [139:48] I wonder if you were to redo it now it [139:49] would happen which one that the the one [139:51] where he found the most likable kids had [139:53] the longest list of people they liked [139:56] and in the study the most likable kids [139:57] when he observed them they were walking [139:59] down the hallway saying hello chatting [140:00] next to someone for 5 seconds at a [140:02] locker saying after class and sort of [140:04] talking sitting with a lunch table [140:05] leaning over someone asking about that [140:07] so much micro connection very small [140:10] conversations our friendships don't [140:12] often happen in these big deep [140:13] conversations they happen in these micro [140:15] moments airpods destroy it and I see [140:18] this especially with younger folks [140:21] because they always have their airpods [140:22] in when they're commuting when they're [140:24] walking when they're jogging when [140:25] they're at the gym I don't know about [140:27] when I was single for 5 seconds when I [140:29] was like you know 17 the gym was like [140:31] the place like at the gym no one really [140:35] was listening to anything at the gym at [140:36] least I can remember like the rare [140:38] person would have their Walkman in but [140:39] everyone was airpod free and so there [140:42] was a lot of micro moments of connection [140:44] happening it was so much easier to talk [140:46] to people now if someone's working out [140:49] with their out their airpods they [140:50] they're insane I'm like what are they [140:53] doing they should go home it's weird [140:57] it's weird or they're with a friend [140:59] working out together and that's [141:00] intimidating so I'm [141:03] worried about this because we need weak [141:07] ties week ties are in the research these [141:10] very casual connections of someone you [141:12] see at the gym once a week and you kind [141:13] of know them oh yeah you know Stephen [141:16] nice to see you you recognize their face [141:18] that when you were if you were to see [141:19] them at a restaurant later in the week [141:20] You' be like hey don't you go to that [141:22] gym oh yeah yeah we do so what are you [141:24] doing this weekend like those week ties [141:27] are incredibly important for our [141:28] happiness that's how we build big [141:30] friends that's how we can find a [141:32] soulmate that's how we can make good [141:33] business contacts and I'm seeing less [141:36] and less of that because of airpods and [141:38] because of hybrid work so we're just not [141:40] in the office that much so we're having [141:41] less of those little micro moments in a [141:43] hallway that five minutes before a [141:45] meeting starts the five minutes before a [141:47] meeting start is really critical to your [141:49] Career Success how you talk to your boss [141:51] the small talk you make are you asking [141:53] boring questions it's telling your [141:55] colleagues and your boss a lot about who [141:57] you are and it's proven likable people [142:00] make more money likable people get more [142:03] promotions likable people have more [142:05] friends and more friends at work and so [142:08] when we have less moments to show how [142:10] likable we are it's really hard to get [142:12] those [142:13] things at my company flight Studio which [142:16] is part of my bigger company flight [142:17] group we're constantly looking for ways [142:19] to build deeper connections with our [142:20] audiences whether that's a new show a [142:22] product or a project it's why I launched [142:25] the conversation cards I've relied on [142:27] Shopify before who's a sponsor of [142:28] today's podcast and I'll be using them [142:30] again for the next big launch which [142:32] we'll hear about soon and I use them [142:34] because of how easy it is to set up an [142:35] online store that reaches all of you no [142:37] matter where you are in the world with [142:39] Shopify the usual pain points of [142:41] launching products online Disappear [142:43] Completely no matter the size of your [142:45] business Shopify has everything you need [142:47] to make your business go to the next [142:49] level and better with your customers all [142:51] over the world to say thank you to all [142:53] of you for listening to my show we're [142:54] giving you a trial which is just $1 a [142:57] month you can sign up by going to [142:59] shopify.com [143:01] Bartlet that's shopify.com Bartlet or [143:05] find the link in the description below [143:08] if you're an entrepreneur you're [143:09] probably going to want to listen to this [143:10] it's a message from one of our sponsors [143:12] on this podcast which is LinkedIn if [143:14] you've listened to me on this podcast [143:15] for a while now you'll know that I've [143:17] been on a bit of an evolution as a [143:18] business owner and entrepreneur and one [143:20] of those Evolutions that has become [143:21] clearer and clearer as I've matured is [143:24] that the single most important thing in [143:26] building a business in building a [143:28] company is hiring the definition of the [143:31] word company is actually group of people [143:33] and that is the first responsibility and [143:36] job that any entrepreneur has and should [143:38] focus on but surprisingly most don't [143:41] about 80% of my team have been hired [143:43] from LinkedIn and I think there's very [143:45] few platforms if any in the world that [143:47] could give you that diversity of [143:48] candidate with that much information and [143:51] data on their profiles it usually costs [143:53] money but for the entrepreneurs that are [143:54] listening to me I've got you a free job [143:56] ad post for your company on LinkedIn [143:58] just go to linkedin.com [144:00] doac to post your free job ad today [144:03] that's linkedin.com doac terms and [144:06] conditions [144:07] apply what about lying this is one of [144:11] the most um things people are most [144:13] interested in is how to everyone wants [144:15] to spot a liar it's funny cuz like the [144:19] the rest of our conversation one could [144:20] infer that as how to like be a liar I'm [144:22] joking on no but it is it's like how to [144:25] show up in a certain way to get success [144:28] in a certain context whether it's dating [144:30] or work whatever yeah but then we want [144:31] to figure out if someone's playing us is [144:34] there is it possible to spot a liar most [144:36] people can only spot a lie with 54% [144:38] accuracy they've actually studied the [144:40] average person is very bad better you're [144:43] better off tossing a coin 54% accuracy [144:45] we are very bad at spotting lers and [144:48] this is important to know about yourself [144:50] is we should not overestimate our [144:52] ability to spot Lies We are usually not [144:55] good at it so it is very important to [144:58] give someone the benefit of the doubt [144:59] because you don't know it's very hard to [145:01] spot it is possible there are certain [145:03] statistical cues to deceit there are [145:06] cues that over and over again research [145:08] find Liars typically do but not always [145:11] like there's no Pinocchio's nose there's [145:12] no one cue that means someone is lying [145:14] but there are a couple cues that come up [145:15] over and over again one we already [145:17] talked about the question inflection [145:19] it's very suspicious if someone someone [145:20] is speaking and all of a sudden they ask [145:21] a [145:23] question if they're not actually asking [145:25] a question right like if all of a sudden [145:26] you hear the question inflection use on [145:28] a statement or a number or a boundary or [145:30] a timeline that's when I'm like let's [145:33] double click on that for a second and [145:35] talk about that budget so you mentioned [145:37] the number was 500,000 where does that [145:40] number come from let's talk about more [145:41] and I want to hear if I'm going to hear [145:42] it again interesting so that's a double [145:44] click for me that's like let's make sure [145:47] that I heard that right let's make sure [145:48] that you feel confident about it let [145:50] where does that come from so that's just [145:52] a little red flag that says dive deeper [145:55] nothing is a sign of lying it's just a [145:56] sign that you should dig deeper so uh [145:59] question reflection a volume drop is [146:01] another vocal cue of deception so when [146:03] we're anxious or nervous we will lose [146:05] volume and we lose breath so if you hear [146:07] someone who's speaking I I hear this a [146:09] lot in sales calls so someone will um I [146:11] always know what part of a sales [146:13] presentation makes my entrepreneurs the [146:15] most nervous because they lose volume [146:17] during that part of their presentation [146:18] so it sounds like this so let's move on [146:21] to our team so our founding partners are [146:24] um me myself uh Joe Jimmy and we all met [146:29] at [146:31] NYU and we're going to now talk about [146:34] like I'm obvious I'm making it obvious [146:36] for you but if you're listening for it [146:37] you'll hear where someone is like they [146:39] literally lost fuel they literally lost [146:41] breath so a sudden drop in volume it's a [146:44] very interesting CU to like double click [146:46] like what just happened there how do you [146:48] feel about your co- under how long have [146:50] you known each other anything we should [146:52] know about that how's the relationship [146:54] how do you fight how do you communicate [146:56] right like that's when I would that's [146:57] where I would aim most of my investor [146:59] questions if I was hearing that volume [147:01] drop on that specific [147:02] area the other the now that's fcal [147:06] non-verbal so non-verbal what you're [147:08] looking for is in congruencies where the [147:11] verbal does not match the body the [147:13] biggest and most obvious one is when [147:16] someone says yes but shakes their head [147:18] no or says no but shakes their head yes [147:22] so I might say to my daughter did you [147:24] clean your room um yeah I did she's [147:29] shaking her head no in Western cultur so [147:31] the there's a cultural exception to this [147:33] one India Bulgaria and Pakistan they [147:36] knot a little bit differently the [147:37] research actually shows that but in [147:40] countries outside of India Bulgaria and [147:41] Pakistan when we agree with someone say [147:44] yes or telling the truth we typically [147:45] agree with ourselves and Shake our heads [147:47] yes when we don't agree or don't like [147:49] something we often Shake our heads no we [147:51] can sometimes also do this in disbelief [147:52] like wow I cannot believe that just [147:54] happened so I'm always looking for in [147:56] congruent nods this happens a lot if you [147:58] ask someone do you like the new [148:01] girl yeah you know she's um [148:06] great right you see that 100% yeah all [148:09] the time and people they don't realize [148:11] they're doing it but they're shaking [148:13] their head no they do not like that [148:15] person you'll also see this with [148:17] mismatched facial expressions and the [148:19] biggest one for liars the research finds [148:21] is disgust so disgust is a expression [148:24] that people make without even realizing [148:25] it and this is across cultures when we [148:27] don't like something or we smell [148:29] something bad we crinkle our nose up and [148:31] we Flash the upper whites of our teeth [148:32] and we go uh that so I you'll notice [148:36] that Liars typically feel dirty when [148:38] they lie so oftentimes they'll show [148:41] disgust with themselves for lying so [148:43] you'll ask someone so what do you think [148:46] of the proposal yeah um [148:50] it's really [148:52] good and they might even sniff really [148:55] yeah what's a [148:56] sniff um what do it signal oh it's it's [149:00] a it's a it's a disgust activator like [149:02] when we are disgusted our nasal cavities [149:04] want to close because we want to take in [149:05] less of it and so even though it's not [149:06] about food it's about a preference Liars [149:08] will often show a little bit of disgust [149:10] when they are lying because they are [149:13] like a little bit disgusted with [149:14] themselves and so you'll see this [149:16] activation here by the way no one does [149:17] that naturally like right this is a very [149:19] unnatural to hold my face but we do it [149:21] when we feel disgusted it's a the nasal [149:23] cavities when we we nasal dilate our [149:25] nasal Wings dilate that's what it's [149:26] called like these nasal Wings dilate and [149:29] we begin to scrunch them up it's like [149:31] we're don't like what we're seeing [149:33] smelling hearing so what I will do is I [149:35] will share a proposal to someone I will [149:37] talk about something and I watch for any [149:40] disgust so I'll say you know here's the [149:43] plan for 2025 here's what we're going to [149:44] do and if I see [149:45] [Music] [149:47] a I know that that team member or that [149:50] person is like not that into it and [149:52] that's why I double click any questions [149:54] how do you feel Stephen do you like this [149:57] idea yeah I love it yeah no horrible [150:01] horrible you look like you're about to [150:03] throw up by the way I heard you I heard [150:05] you say that the most toxic [150:06] relationships are the ambivalent [150:07] relationships the word ambivalent means [150:10] to what does it mean okay so ambivalent [150:12] is actually not toxic so toxic is like [150:15] we know it's bad we don't want it we're [150:17] creating boundaries around it ambivalent [150:19] means [150:20] we're not sure ambivalent relationships [150:23] are the relationships in your life that [150:25] are the most damaging they're the [150:26] relationships where you wonder does she [150:28] like me do I like her g i I wish she [150:32] would cancel this dinner we have am I [150:35] tired after that I'm dreading it do I [150:38] have to go gosh I wish I was home those [150:42] are ambivalent relationships where [150:44] you're not sure and they are so [150:46] energetically draining because a toxic [150:49] person you know they're toxic you're [150:51] like I don't like that person they're [150:52] not serving me I'm not going out dinner [150:54] I'm going home no thanks not going to [150:56] text you not going to tell you I'm [150:57] thinking about you where an ambivalent [150:59] person you're like I should check in [151:00] with that person I really should go to [151:03] the dinner oh it's been five months [151:05] since I've gone din with oh man do I [151:07] even know what they're up to these days [151:08] do I even care and then most importantly [151:10] do they like me do they support me [151:13] that's why I asked about that friend [151:14] that you were like unsure about I was [151:15] like are they jealous do they have a [151:17] problem with you because you might be [151:19] picking up on they are ambivalent [151:21] towards you and that is you're picking [151:23] up on that there's a research study that [151:25] was done with police officers and they [151:27] wanted to know what makes for a thriving [151:30] workplace so they asked police officers [151:32] to rank the people in their Precinct and [151:34] they found that the police officers who [151:36] had the most ambivalent ties were more [151:40] unhappy in their job had less work life [151:42] balance had more workplace dress more [151:45] than the people who had toxic [151:47] relationships in other words the police [151:49] officers who said all 10 of those people [151:51] are toxic we're happier at work and the [151:54] police officer who said I don't know if [151:56] I like that person and that person I [151:58] don't know if that person likes me I [152:00] don't know if I want to go out to lunch [152:01] with that person again I kind of would [152:02] rather be alone because it is so [152:04] mentally draining to have ambivalent [152:06] relationships so it's really important [152:09] if you're making that list of people [152:10] going back to the very beginning you [152:12] know the people you're really close not [152:13] very close with kind of close with [152:15] really close with if you're not sure put [152:17] them at the bottom and in the next 30 [152:20] days try to ask them the questions that [152:22] we shared working on anything exciting [152:25] what's your biggest goal right now and [152:27] see if you like their answers it's [152:29] important to either move them up or move [152:31] them out don't let them be ambivalent [152:34] one of the things that is highly [152:36] searched on Google I was looking at [152:37] Google to figure out um what the most [152:40] search questions are there's some tools [152:42] that I use to to figure out what those [152:43] what people want to know and one of them [152:45] was just Fally how do I start a [152:47] conversation so what my next book is [152:49] about out so I'm happy to hear that okay [152:52] one is don't overthink your opener [152:54] starting a conversation is like hey I'm [152:56] Vanessa like literally your opener can [152:59] just be that my sister my youngest [153:01] sister I was she was like the best [153:03] advice I ever gave her ever and I was [153:05] like what is it she was like is you just [153:06] told me to say hello to people and that [153:08] is it your opener is just hey I'm [153:10] Vanessa hey nice to meet you so don't [153:12] overthink the opener because that opener [153:14] your body is actually doing a lot of [153:15] things your brain and body are like [153:17] competence warmth facial expression [153:20] voice Tone If you're like what's your [153:22] biggest goal in [153:24] life it's it's way too much and so one [153:27] is your opener should actually be basic [153:29] so the other person's brain is like [153:31] gives them a chance to like safe okay [153:33] friend we're friend hey how are you [153:34] doing right I I my friend Q I held up my [153:36] hand so don't overthink your opener hey [153:38] nice to meet you hey I'm Vanessa your [153:41] first question is where things get more [153:43] interesting okay so if you don't know [153:45] their name you want to say like oh [153:46] what's your name great I'm Vanessa then [153:48] you have a choice [153:50] and I like to take the better route you [153:52] can say so what do you do but I really [153:55] don't like that path it's autopilot so [153:57] what I like to do instead is ask a [153:59] version of the excitement question do [154:02] anything fun and exciting this past [154:03] weekend if it's a Monday so Mondays I [154:06] always ask you do anything fun this past [154:08] weekend Fridays I always ask have any [154:11] exciting plans coming up this weekend [154:12] and then Tuesday Wednesday Thursday I [154:14] don't talk to [154:17] anyone what is the most important thing [154:20] we haven't talked about that we should [154:21] have talked about for the person side at [154:22] home the typical question most prolific [154:24] question that you get there's one story [154:27] that I love that I try to keep front of [154:29] mind which is about Harry S Truman [154:31] former US president most people don't [154:33] know about him is that he was actually [154:34] severely introverted and when most [154:37] people think about US presidents they do [154:38] not think about introverts in fact most [154:40] presidents have to be kind of a booming [154:42] extrovert personality and he was very [154:44] introverted and he did something very [154:46] interesting at the Democratic National [154:47] Convention back in I believe 1944 [154:50] um he knew he was not a good public [154:52] speaker which also is very rare for US [154:54] president to become president without [154:55] being a good public speaker he knew he [154:56] could not cut it on stage with the very [154:58] charismatic people and he was not he was [155:00] behind in the polls he was not the [155:02] preferred candidate so he was like I'm [155:04] not going to compete on stage I'm not [155:06] going to try to outspeak them I'm not [155:08] going to try to go work the floor and [155:09] shake hands it's not my way what I am [155:12] going to do is try to find a way to do [155:14] what I'm best at which is one-on-one [155:16] conversations where I can win people [155:18] over with an argument [155:20] so in the Democratic National Convention [155:22] it was really hot in Chicago in the [155:24] middle of summer he rented the one air [155:27] conditioned room in the bottom in the [155:28] basement of the convention center and [155:30] one by one his team would invite person [155:33] by person down into that air condition [155:35] room and he would tell them his story he [155:37] would tell them his points and vote by [155:39] vote and as the votes were being tallied [155:41] he would win over every single person [155:43] that went to that room one it was air [155:44] conditioned so they wanted to stay there [155:45] as long as possible two he would hear [155:48] what are your concerns why do you not [155:49] want to vote for me and he would explain [155:51] to them why they should vote for him and [155:53] vote by vote he ended up winning the [155:55] National Convention without having to [155:57] speak on stage barely at all I share [155:59] this because stop competing on stages [156:02] where you can't be your best start [156:04] creating rooms where you can think about [156:07] what are your social strengths you have [156:10] one what is it is it storytelling is it [156:12] being funny is it listening is it being [156:14] empathetic is it being a decoder is it [156:17] being persuasive what is your social [156:19] strength create spaces and rooms where [156:22] you can exercise that strength because [156:24] no one wants you to pretend to be an [156:26] extrovert or pretend to be something [156:27] that you're good at that you're not it's [156:29] much better to be do what you're [156:30] actually good at and attract the right [156:31] people and your social strength might [156:33] not be in person might not be and that's [156:36] okay like there are some people who are [156:37] great at texting there are some people [156:39] who are great at sending voice notes [156:41] there are some people who make their [156:42] friends by broadcasting and then picking [156:43] out a couple people that's how you met [156:45] your girlfriend is you broadcasted she [156:47] resonated with something that you said [156:49] and you gave her the way to find you she [156:51] did and then you met so maybe it's [156:53] broadcasting I think we have to think [156:55] outside the box it's not only in person [156:57] there's so many ways you can have social [156:58] strengths I've heard it all now yeah I [157:01] get it I believe it I'm into it yeah [157:03] what is step one I'm going to buy your [157:04] books there's two of them here so I'm [157:06] going to buy both of these books both of [157:07] them will be linked below what else can [157:09] I do to start on my journey of becoming [157:11] you you were a recovering awkward person [157:13] you before now you're not yes what's [157:15] step one okay step number one is begin [157:17] to break autopilot so make a commitment [157:19] for the next 30 days you are not going [157:21] to trigger autopilot in your [157:22] conversation no more what do you do no [157:24] more how are you no more where are you [157:26] from no more okay right ask better [157:29] questions okay what's your biggest goal [157:31] we can anything exciting you're [157:33] disgusting me no I'm thinking I'm just I [157:35] was tell you look [157:37] good okay so that's challenge number one [157:39] Challenge number two find out where you [157:41] fall in the warmth and competence scale [157:43] are you highly warmed do you need to [157:44] dial up competence to be taken more [157:46] seriously are you highly confident you [157:47] need dial up warm to be seen as more [157:49] like a and friendly and trustworthy do [157:51] that email audit so take the quiz then [157:53] do the email audit and then if you can [157:55] here's the bonus challenge send the [157:57] Charisma quiz to someone who knows you [157:58] well someone at work maybe a partner ask [158:02] them to take it as you and screenshot [158:04] their results sometimes how we perceive [158:07] our warmth and competence is not how [158:09] others perceive our warmth and [158:10] competence so if you take it and you say [158:12] I'm perfect I'm a I'm a five of five but [158:15] they take it and they see you as really [158:17] high on the warmth scale that is going [158:19] to be critical feedback for you we have [158:21] a closing tradition on this podcast [158:22] where the last guest leaves a question [158:23] for the next guest not knowing who [158:24] they're going to be leaving it for and [158:26] the question that's been left for [158:29] you I always love [158:32] these when in your life did you try to [158:36] outrun your pain and what was the [158:40] consequence when in your life did you [158:43] turn and face your pain and what was the [158:47] consequence [158:49] there was a really weird moment in my [158:51] career where everything was taking off I [158:54] had a lot of years of not of a lot of [158:55] hard struggle and being a writer I had a [158:58] a published book traditionally published [158:59] book that completely failed 2011 we [159:02] won't name it put it out there thought [159:03] my world would change and it did [159:05] terribly I got terrible reviews it [159:07] didn't sell and I was literally told [159:09] you'll never write a book again and I [159:11] was just [159:13] devastated [159:15] devastated and my husband was like you [159:17] got to you got to keep writing you're a [159:18] writer you got to keep writing and so I [159:21] went back to it I started science of [159:23] people that was officially when I [159:24] started like the actual website science [159:26] people kept writing and then it started [159:29] taking off I had video videos that went [159:30] viral we started having millions of [159:32] visitors on the website and I wanted to [159:35] prove myself very badly and I wanted to [159:38] erase that painful memory and so when I [159:41] got approached to write [159:42] Captivate I was like [159:45] no I can't write books I'm I'm a [159:49] YouTuber and a blogger but I can't write [159:51] books and she was like this will be a [159:53] different kind of book this will be a [159:54] book about really what you want to say [159:56] to people not the book you think you [159:57] should write and I was like no I was [160:01] like I cannot do it it's too painful I [160:03] will not survive if that fails I will [160:06] not survive if that fails and it took [160:08] Nikki months of telling me this will be [160:12] different this will be a different kind [160:13] of book you can write the real book that [160:14] you really want to write and so I said [160:17] yes I started writing it and that was [160:20] when I think I I don't know how end the [160:21] question was but decided it would be [160:24] worth the pain if that failed it would [160:26] be worth the pain of at least saying [160:28] that I tried that was a very hard Choice [160:31] thank goodness it did not fail he did [160:33] really well um and I'm eternally [160:36] grateful for that when everyone when [160:38] anyone buys a copy I'm like one click [160:41] further from that [160:44] failure horrible failure Vanessa thank [160:47] you thank you so much [160:49] um what you write about and what you [160:51] educate people on is a subject that's [160:54] probably more important now than ever [160:56] and I say that because of the sort of [160:57] macro climate of society where we're [160:59] more lonely than ever we're struggling [161:00] with connection it's not coming [161:02] naturally to us as it once probably did [161:05] or at least more natural than it than it [161:07] does now and so many the it's crazy I've [161:10] only been a podcaster really I think for [161:11] about four years like I think I started [161:12] in 2017 but really it's been four years [161:14] since I've been uploading and it's crazy [161:16] just in that time alone how many more of [161:18] the questions I'm getting are about all [161:20] the things you write about they're about [161:21] like how to make a friend and how to [161:23] show up in a certain way and all these [161:25] kinds of things so what the work you're [161:27] doing is so unbelievably important [161:29] there's so much more that needs to be [161:30] done as well but but the contribution [161:33] you've had to the 400,000 people that [161:34] you've taught and the millions of people [161:35] that have bought these books and [161:36] consumed your videos and everything is a [161:38] really really important one than so [161:40] thank you it's so funny because even me [161:44] like like people I people see me on [161:45] camera and stuff but I learned so much [161:48] so much from your work so much thank you [161:51] so much so many things as well that that [161:53] I that I think a lot about and you know [161:55] things you can take or Leave You got to [161:56] say like who do I want to be and like [161:57] who am I you know truly to then apply [162:01] these things because there's no point [162:02] like I just have no interest in building [162:04] a facade or anything but there's things [162:06] about me which I H I didn't even [162:07] know I was doing that you know yeah and [162:09] like what kind of friend do I want to be [162:11] what kind of partner do I want to be [162:13] what kind of way do I want to be in [162:14] conversation like you get to choose [162:16] Thank you Vanessa thanks for having me [162:20] when it comes to food I trust my gut and [162:22] I trust Zoe a business I'm an investor [162:25] in and today's sponsor of this podcast [162:27] all the nutritionists I've spoken to [162:28] have highlighted just how misleading [162:30] information is out there when it comes [162:31] to food take healthy Halos the claims [162:33] you see on packaging that say things [162:35] like low sugar and nothing artificial [162:38] are often a sign of foods to avoid have [162:40] you ever noticed a health claim on fresh [162:41] fruit you probably get my point [162:43] understandably there's loads of distrust [162:45] out there who should you turn to for [162:47] accurate information I U Zoey which is [162:50] backed by one of the world's largest [162:52] microbiome databases and most [162:54] scientifically Advanced atome gut health [162:56] tests Zoe gives you proven science [162:58] whenever you need it as a Zoe member [163:00] you'll get an atome test kit and [163:02] personalized nutrition program to help [163:04] you make smarter food choices that [163:05] support your gut to sign up visit [163:07] zoe.com and use my code stepen 10 for [163:11] 10% off your membership that's zoe.com [163:13] code Steven 10 trust your gut trust Zoe [163:19] a [163:21] [Music]

Van Edwards Outlines Non-Verbal Cues Driving Workplace Performance

Detailed notes

[00:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=0s) The Power of Gestures and The Hidden Language of Cues

[03:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=225s) Recovering Awkwardness and the Ambivert Advantage

[07:28](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=448s) How a Single Word Changes Human Behavior

[09:39](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=579s) Overcoming the Stoic "Poker Face" Trap

[12:41](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=761s) The "Resting Bothered Face" Effect

[14:50](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=890s) The Resting Default and the Hidden Signals in Facial Micro-Expressions

[18:29](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1109s) The Warmth and Competence Recipe (Choosing Your Cues)

[20:25](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1225s) Vanessa’s Journey as a "Recovering Awkward Person"

[23:23](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1403s) Decoding Popularity: The "First Liker" Mindset

[27:22](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1642s) The Magic Phrase: "I Was Just Thinking of You"

[29:53](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=1793s) The Three Levels of Relationship Intimacy and Self-Narrative

[33:22](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=2002s) The Luck Experiment and Shifting Your Self-Narrative

[35:05](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=2105s) The Contagion of Performance and Fear

[38:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=2325s) The Cue Cycle and "Name It to Tame It"

[41:55](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=2515s) The Importance of Hand Gestures and the "Palm Flash"

[45:02](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=2702s) Hand-Word Congruence and the Difficulty of Lying with Gestures

[47:02](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=2822s) Engagement, Vocal Variety, and the "Ted Talk Voice"

[50:10](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=3010s) Chair Ergonomics, Proxemics, and Zoom Distances

[54:04](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=3244s) The Charisma Formula: Balancing Warmth and Competence

[58:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=3525s) Competence Power Cues: Mastering the Steeple

[59:36](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=3576s) Balancing Power and Warmth in Visual Cues

[01:00:52](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=3652s) Maximizing Ear-to-Shoulder Distance for Instant Confidence

[01:02:27](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=3747s) The Power of Strategic Eye Contact at Sentence Ends

[01:03:57](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=3837s) Decoding and Utilizing the Lower Lid Flex

[01:07:52](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=4072s) Eliminating the Accidental Question Inflection

[01:14:01](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=4441s) Signal Amplification Bias and the Three Magic Phrases

[01:15:23](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=4523s) Five Warmth Cues for Intimidating or Cold Communicators

[01:18:37](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=4717s) The Manipulative "Hand Nod" Trick

[01:21:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=4905s) Overcoming Social Discomfort and the Pygmalion Effect

[01:24:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5048s) The "What Do You Do?" Diet & Connection-Building Questions

[01:27:17](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5237s) Self-Narrative Questions and the Character Test

[01:29:29](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5369s) Steven Bartlett’s Self-Reflection: *The Pursuit of Happyness*

[01:34:20](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5660s) Non-Verbal Cues: Leaning and the Danger of Submissive Signals

[01:36:35](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5795s) Non-Verbal Bridges and Social Proximity

[01:39:03](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5943s) Greeting Protocols and Preventing Awkward Hugs

[01:41:15](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=6075s) Navigating Hugs vs. Handshakes: Warmth, Dynamics, and Duration

[01:45:49](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=6349s) Decoding Male Nods and Stage Presence for Leaders

[01:49:42](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=6582s) Messaging Psychology and The Pratfall Effect

Elicitations Group

[01:55:30](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=6930s) Personal Branding and Transmitting Neural Signals

[01:59:01](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=7141s) Visual Cues, Body Space, and Vocal Fry in Dating

[02:04:27](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=7467s) Gender Differences in Processing Body Language

[02:06:33](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=7593s) Internal Transformation vs. Behavioral Tactics

[02:09:35](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=7775s) Signalling Availability: How to Get Approached

[02:15:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=8108s) The Adult Friendship Framework

[02:18:57](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=8337s) How AirPods and Hybrid Work Are Killing Friendships

[02:23:21](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=8601s) The Truth About Deception: How to Spot a Liar

[02:27:06](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=8826s) Non-Verbal Mismatches and the Disgust Indicator

[02:30:05](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9005s) The Hidden Danger of Ambivalent Relationships

[02:32:34](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9154s) Mastering the Art of Starting a Conversation

[02:34:20](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9260s) The Introverted President: Finding Your Social Strengths

[02:37:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9420s) Breaking Autopilot: The 30-Day Challenge

[02:37:43](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9463s) Taking Action with the Charisma Audit

[02:38:21](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9501s) Facing Pain: The Book Failure and Overcoming Fear

[02:40:46](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9646s) Why Communication Science Matters Today

[02:42:20](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=9740s) Sponsor Message: Zoe Gut Health

中文简报

Reading summary

精炼阅读摘要

Detailed notes — zh

Source quotes

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Original transcript

[01:29:29](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHUrdELKjDw&t=5369s) Steven Bartlett’s Self-Reflection: The Pursuit of Happyness