Vinh Giang Outlines Mechanics to Rebuild Personal Vocal Delivery
The Diary Of A CEO
Vocal patterns are learned motor habits rather than fixed identity, allowing speakers to systematically alter how listeners perceive them through controlled physical techniques.
## Background
This video was published by Steven Bartlett on The Diary Of A CEO YouTube channel on March 10, 2025. The page description outlines a comprehensive conversation with communication expert Vinh Giang, who reveals a blueprint for mastering confidence and vocal delivery as learnable skills rather than innate gifts.
## TL;DR
Communication expert Vinh Giang argues that vocal delivery and body language function like an instrument to negotiate reality, shape perception, and clearly articulate personal value. Drawing on lessons from magic, vocal coaching, and personal adversity as a former refugee child, he shares actionable frameworks like the STAGE model, the VAKS storytelling method, and a 3-step video review audit. He also addresses practical tactics for eliminating clutter words, managing workplace interruptions, overcoming identity blocks, and balancing professional ambition with family life.
## Atmosphere & style
The episode is warm, energetic, and deeply practical, balancing insightful vocal demonstrations with vulnerable personal storytelling. Vinh Giang brings an expressive, theatrical charisma as he demonstrates pitch, volume, and body language shifts in real time, while Steven Bartlett offers reflective, engaged probing. The tone flows seamlessly between actionable communication coaching and intimate reflections on childhood bullying, fatherhood, and cultural identity.
## Key takeaways
- [00:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=0s) Confidence and communication are learnable physical skills, not innate personality traits, and can be transformed within 3 to 6 months of deliberate practice.
- [02:15](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=135s) Your voice should be treated like a dynamic musical instrument rather than a basic tool, using pitch and melody to actively guide how others feel.
- [04:01](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=241s) Success relies on the formula 'Technical Skill + Communication = Success'; excellent technical ability remains overlooked if you cannot articulate your value.
- [09:06](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=546s) Lasting communication change requires an identity shift, as returning to environments that view new behaviors as 'fake' causes people to revert to old habits.
- [15:48](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=948s) Adult 'natural voices' are merely learned motor habits locked in during early childhood; exploring new vocal ranges is like using unpracticed keys on a piano.
- [18:36](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=1116s) Perception can be altered rapidly through three core physical mechanics: volume control, vocal melody, and deliberate hand gestures.
- [20:17](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=1217s) Visual image creates initial assumptions, but vocal image converts those assumptions into firm, lasting beliefs.
- [22:49](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=1369s) Vocal melody carries emotional weight independent of words, and human brains naturally attune to and remember speakers with the richest vocal variation.
- [27:46](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=1666s) Speaking speed over 210 words per minute feels frantic, whereas strategic pauses act as highlighters for key information and amplify underlying emotions.
- [41:21](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=2481s) Effective storytelling requires reliving a experience through sensory details (using the VAKS framework) rather than simply reporting static facts.
- [50:20](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3020s) Sing-song vocal rhythms signal inauthenticity, while monotone delivery masks quality work and allows superior showmen to eclipse deeper technical talent.
- [52:48](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3168s) A 3-step 'Record and Review' self-awareness audit (Auditory, Visual, and Combined passes) helps eliminate verbal clutter and non-verbal ticks.
- [55:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3345s) Auditory clutter words like 'um' and 'uh' should be identified through video transcription and replaced with intentional pauses.
- [01:06:09](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3969s) Physical body posture directly influences vocal delivery; gestures like the Placater (open warmth) and Leveler (palms-down authority) shape listener perception.
- [01:21:07](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=4867s) Clear articulation and proper vocal mechanics are vital to overcoming systemic accent-based discrimination and breaking through professional ceilings.
- [01:42:09](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=6129s) To prevent unwanted interruptions in workplace settings, stand up during meetings to establish physical presence and explicitly prime the room for undivided attention.
- [01:55:10](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=6910s) Contextual Confidence dictates that communication skills should be decoupled from specific environments and built as intrinsic, portable habits.
- [02:04:10](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=7450s) Personal growth requires letting go of outdated self-identities and balancing relentless career ambition with life priorities and family.
## Detailed walkthrough
### [00:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=0s) Introduction: Unlocking the Voice as an Instrument
Vinh Giang opens the discussion by asserting that confidence is not an innate trait reserved for a select few, but rather a set of learnable behaviors. Everyone possesses an extraordinary instrument—their voice—and the physical tools needed to reshape how they show up in the world. He demonstrates techniques like the "siren technique" and vocal volume manipulation, showing how dropping your voice to a quiet whisper can command attention just as effectively as raising it.
Communication expert Vinh Giang notes how overwhelming it is to see millions of people silently suffering because they feel trapped by their communication limitations. Many believe that being an introvert dooms them to a life of being overlooked or unable to speak on the spot. Having lived much of his own life as an awkward kid who was repeatedly bullied and forced to change schools, Vinh broke down those barriers by deliberately adopting new behaviors—a transformation he insists anyone can replicate within three to six months.
* **Key Mindset:** Confidence in communication is a series of learned physical and vocal behaviors rather than a fixed personality trait.
* **The Siren Technique:** A vocal exercise used to stretch and warm up the range of the voice.
* **Volume Dynamics:** Using contrast—such as dropping to a lower, quiet volume—to create focus and command a room without sounding aggressive.
* **Core Promise:** A dramatic, noticeable shift in communication skills can be achieved in just 3 to 6 months through deliberate practice.
---
[02:15](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=135s) Why Do You Do What You Do?
When asked to summarize his life's work, Vinh explains that he helps people discover that they possess one of the most beautiful instruments in the world to negotiate whatever reality they desire. He traces this realization back to a pivotal moment with his very first vocal coach, Miss Stanley, in a dingy music studio in South Australia.
During their first lesson, Miss Stanley said nothing beyond "Sit down, young man." She then proceeded to strike a single key on the piano repeatedly for two solid minutes. Feeling awkward and unnerved, Vinh admitted he felt nothing good. She replied with a simple "Good," and immediately transitioned into playing *Mariage d'Amour* for two minutes. When she asked him how he felt afterward, Vinh described feeling a rush of love, lust, romance, and excitement. Miss Stanley then delivered what Vinh calls the greatest sales pitch of his life: *"Honey, most people go through life speaking like this [monotone]. I'm going to teach you how to speak like this [musical]."*
> "I haven't been thinking about my voice as an instrument. I thought it was a tool. What do you do with a hammer? You use a hammer... What do you do with a piano? You play with it. What do you do with a violin? You play with it. And she started to teach me that I have this instrument that depending on how I play it, it changes and shifts how others feel."
---
[04:01](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=241s) How Much Will This Information Change People's Lives?
Reflecting on the profound impact of communication, Vinh shares how he felt invisible throughout his childhood. He was not the cool, funny, charismatic, or good-looking kid, but learning to master communication allowed him to negotiate a completely new reality. Quoting Tim Ferriss’s principle that "reality is negotiable," Vinh emphasizes that communication is the precise skill required to negotiate that reality.
Vinh draws a parallel to his parents' belief that every child is born with an inner "diamond" or gift. Vinh found his early diamond in magic, but he initially believed technical mastery was all that mattered—spending thousands of hours practicing alone in his bedroom in front of a mirror. Just like an accountant who believes technical skill alone brings success, Vinh found himself stuck until he discovered the missing ingredient: showmanship, which is simply another word for communication.
* **The Formula for Thriving:** Technical Skill + Communication (Showmanship) = Success.
* **Perception Gap:** A person who is a 10/10 technically but a 3/10 in communication will be perceived by the world as a 3/10.
* **The "Brad" Phenomenon:** Technically gifted individuals often get passed over in the workplace by less competent colleagues ("Brad") who simply know how to articulate their value and build visibility.
---
[06:18](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=378s) The Importance of Communication in Your Life and Career
Vinh explains that it is never the audience's or employer's responsibility to search for the hidden brilliance inside you; it is your responsibility to shine your light brightly and communicate your value clearly and concisely. He reveals the personal pain behind this conviction: English was his third language, following a Chinese dialect (Teochew) and Vietnamese.
When he entered school in Australia, the language barrier made him completely invisible. Unable to communicate, he was excluded and bullied by other children. The isolation was so severe that during his early school years (ages 5, 6, and 7), he would spend his lunch breaks hiding inside toilet stalls just to escape the shame of being seen sitting alone. Even as he gradually learned English, he was taunted with terms like "FOB" (fresh off the boat) due to his thick accent, causing him to retreat further into silence.
* **Vinh's Language Background:** First language was Teochew (a Chinese dialect), second was Vietnamese, and third was English.
* **Childhood Struggle:** Spent years hiding in school restrooms during recess to avoid the public shame of having no friends to sit with.
* **The Responsibility of Visibility:** You cannot rely on others to discover your talent; you must learn to articulate your own worth.
---
[09:06](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=546s) How Easy Is It to Make a Radical Change in Your Communication Skills?
Transforming communication skills dramatically takes roughly three to six months, depending on an individual's level of desire and motivation. Citing James Clear's philosophy from *Atomic Habits*, Vinh emphasizes that lasting change happens when you stop trying to force a new habit and instead adopt a completely new identity.
During his in-person workshops, Vinh sets the stage by telling participants to treat the room as a brand-new school where nobody holds any preconceived notions about who they are. This psychological safe space allows adults to break their old molds, play with their voices, act silly, and reconnect with their inner child. Seeing the positive reactions of total strangers causes participants to fall in love with this new version of themselves.
* **Identity Shift:** Real transformation requires shedding the old identity ("I am quiet," "I am awkward") and adopting a new identity as a communicator.
* **The Post-Workshop Mistake:** The most common blunder participants make is returning home to a spouse or partner who lacks context, using their dramatic new voice, and getting shut down by comments like "That's so fake" or "That's inauthentic," causing them to instantly revert to old habits.
---
[10:46](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=646s) What's the Biggest Change People Experience?
The benefits of cracking the communication code extend far beyond corporate promotions and career advancement; it profoundly alters family dynamics and personal relationships. As a father, Vinh uses vocal variety when reading bedtime stories to his children. When he occasionally reads in a flat, monotone voice, his kids immediately catch on and demand he read it "the fun way."
By bringing playfulness and vocal variety into the home, parents can build deeper, more engaging relationships with their children. Vinh views his willingness to be playful as one of his absolute greatest superpowers, allowing him to connect with others on a human level across all areas of life.
* **Vocal Foundations in Parenting:** Using pitch, pacing, and tone turns simple storytelling into an immersive, bonding experience for children.
* **The Power of Playfulness:** Play is driven by dynamic communication, allowing adults to bridge the gap with their kids and build richer personal connections.
---
[01:11:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=4305s) How Cracking Your Communication Will Change Your Life
Another vital arena transformed by communication is the art of improvisation. Everyday conversation is essentially an unscripted game of improv where neither party knows what the other will say next. Mastering this ability to react, adapt, and build on incoming information is "the tide that lifts all boats."
Vinh points out how natural podcasting and parenting both rely on this principle. When a child says, "The cow is now an astronaut," a disengaged parent might offer a passive "That's nice, honey." An engaged communicator practicing improv responds by expanding the narrative: "And now it's fighting moon-zombies that you didn't even know existed!"
* **Conversation as Improv:** Real-world interactions require real-time adaptation rather than rigid, rehearsed responses.
* **The "Yes, And..." Mindset:** Building onto what others say creates high-energy, memorable conversations in both professional and personal settings.
---
[01:12:48](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=4368s) Why Should People Listen to You?
Having directly taught over 70,000 students through in-person and online courses—and reaching millions more across social media platforms—Vinh has analyzed thousands of messages from people seeking help.
The single most common question and insecurity people bring to his inbox is: *"Is it possible for me to change the sound of my voice?"* Vinh highlights how almost everyone experiences an initial wave of discomfort or self-loathing when hearing their own recorded voice for the first time, making vocal image one of the primary hurdles people face on their path to confident communication.
* **Reach:** Over 70,000 direct students trained worldwide online and in-person.
* **Universal Insecurity:** The vast majority of people dislike their natural recorded voice and suffer from vocal self-consciousness until they learn how to train it.
[13:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=825s) The Psychological Blocks to Changing Your Voice
Vinh Giang addresses a fundamental question about vocal transformation: *Is it actually possible to change the sound of your voice?* He points out a striking paradox in human behavior—while people readily alter their wardrobe, hairstyles, glasses, and physical appearance throughout their lives, their manner of communication and vocal delivery almost always remains static. This immobility isn't due to physical limitations, but rather deep-seated psychological blocks.
```
+-------------------------------------------------------------------+
| THE VOCAL IDENTITY TRAP |
| |
| [ Physical Appearance ] --------> Constantly Changed & Updated |
| [ Vocal Image ] ----------------> Frozen in Childhood Habits |
| |
| Objections to vocal training: |
| • "It feels fake and phony." |
| • "That's not my natural voice." |
| • "People will think I'm weird if I change." |
+-------------------------------------------------------------------+
```
Reflecting on his early training, Vinh recounts how his vocal coach pushed him out of his comfort zone by forcing him to experiment with falsetto pitch ranges and deep resonant tones. His initial reaction was visceral discomfort and self-doubt: "I'd go red because I'd go, 'Oh, that feels so weird... This feels so fake and it feels phony.'" He notes that almost every student experiences this exact resistance, dismissing expanded vocal ranges with the reflex, "That's not me." His teacher dismantled this misconception through a simple piano analogy: if you can press a key on the piano and produce that sound, it isn't fake—it is your instrument, and you are simply playing keys you are unfamiliar with.
- **The Piano Metaphor**: Most people spend their entire lives playing just one or two familiar "keys" on their internal piano, assuming any other note on the board is "phony" or unnatural.
- **The Core Barrier**: Vocal change fails not because of physical inability, but because stepping outside familiar habits triggers a perception of being inauthentic.
[15:48](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=948s) The Myth of the "Natural Voice"
The conversation shifts to the origin of our vocal habits and the widely held myth of a "natural voice." Speech pathologists confirm that what adults consider their "natural" voice is actually just a set of physical habits locked in during early childhood. Real natural vocal production is lost around age two or three. Vinh illustrates this by asking Steven what would happen if he screamed at the top of his lungs for 10 minutes—Steven confirms he would lose his voice. In contrast, Vinh shares that his 12-month-old daughter can scream for three hours straight without losing her voice because toddlers naturally use their respiratory and vocal apparatus correctly without strain.
As children grow past age three or four, they naturally begin emulating the influential figures around them—usually parents or immediate caregivers. A person's adult voice is simply a collection of learned motor patterns: how they manipulate vocal cords, direct air pressure, shape lips, place the tongue, and engage the soft palate.
- **Imitation Case Study**: Vinh shares the story of his student Tanzir, who spoke with a very soft, subdued tone. Tanzir realized he had unconsciously copied his father's gentle speaking habits as a young child until those conscious movements became automatic subconscious behavior.
- **Subconscious Automation**: Once motor habits are repeated over years, they migrate to the subconscious mind, feeling completely "automatic" and leading people to equate a mere habit with their fixed identity.
- **The Present Identity Trap**: Vinh frequently warns his students: "Don't be so attached to who you are in the present. You don't give the future version of you a chance."
[18:36](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=1116s) The Three Pillars of Perception Shift
To demonstrate how rapidly perception can be shifted, Vinh outlines three foundational mechanics that dramatically alter how a speaker is received by an audience: volume, melody, and physical hand gestures.
He shares the case of a student named Rachel, who struggled with executive presence at work because she had labeled herself as "shy." Vinh reframed her perspective by pointing out that she was simply "really good at being shy" because she had practiced shy behaviors for 25 years. Transitioning to confidence doesn't require a personality overhaul; it just requires practicing a new sequence of physical habits. By implementing larger physical gestures, turning up her vocal volume, and adding melodic pitch variation, Rachel immediately transformed how colleagues perceived her, overcoming her initial fear that experimenting with these tools felt "fake."
- **The Core Trio**: Mastering volume, vocal melody, and expansive hand gestures creates an instant, radical shift in authority and executive presence.
- **Reframing Traits as Habits**: Shy behavior is not an unchangeable identity trait—it is merely a set of physical actions refined through decades of practice.
[20:17](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=1217s) Vocal Image vs. Visual Image
Vinh introduces the concept of **Vocal Image**—the auditory equivalent of one's physical appearance. While people devote immense time and money to their visual image (clothes, grooming, posture), they almost completely neglect their voice.
When meeting someone, their visual image leads us to make immediate *assumptions* (e.g., "They look confident," "They seem friendly"). However, the moment they open their mouth, their vocal image either confirms those assumptions or shatters them, turning assumptions into concrete *beliefs*. A mismatch can instantly turn a positive impression into a negative one—making someone seem unapproachable or arrogant.
> "When people see you and you reveal your visual image, they make assumptions about you pretty quickly... And then all of a sudden, when you open your mouth and you speak, they now turn these assumptions into beliefs."
[22:49](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=1369s) How Vocal Melody Evokes Emotion: The Piano Experiment
To prove how melody carries emotional weight without relying on words, Vinh conducts a live musical experiment. He plays three distinct piano tracks for Steven and asks him to describe the feelings and visual imagery each track evokes:
- **Track 1**: Evokes immediate feelings of sadness, somberness, and nostalgia.
- **Track 2**: Shifts the energy to inspirational, motivational, and action-oriented ("running towards something").
- **Track 3**: Triggers visceral fear and tension ("horror movie, scary... ominous," like a child standing on a dark staircase).
Vinh highlights that **none of the tracks contained spoken words**, yet each instantly painted vivid emotional landscapes purely through pitch variations and melodic movement. Vocal melody works identically in human speech—the pitch variation beneath your words directly dictates whether people feel drained, inspired, uneasy, or connected in your presence. Furthermore, studies show that in a noisy room where multiple people are speaking simultaneously, the listener's brain naturally attunes to and remembers the person with the most vocal melody.
[24:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=1448s) Interactive Vocal Drill: The Siren Technique
To help Steven experience his vocal range firsthand, Vinh pulls out cue cards containing the iconic Joker monologue from *The Dark Knight* ("Want to know how I got these scars?"). After Steven reads the text in his standard, neutral speaking voice, Vinh introduces a vocal coaching drill called the **Siren Technique**.
The Siren Technique forces the speaker to dynamically slide between their lowest vocal chest tones and high falsetto pitch ranges within individual sentences, actively stretching the vocal cords like an instrument.
```
+-------------------------------------------------------------------+
| THE SIREN TECHNIQUE |
| |
| High Pitch / Falsetto /\ /\ |
| / \ / \ |
| Low Chest Voice ___/ \______________/ \____ |
| "Want to know... how I got... these scars?" |
+-------------------------------------------------------------------+
```
Steven performs the drill, pushing his voice up and down through dramatic pitch swings. Although Steven admits the exercise feels uncomfortable and "weird," Vinh stresses that the goal isn't to speak like that in daily conversation, but to expand the physical capabilities of the vocal instrument.
- **The Real Risk**: Most speakers underplay their voice rather than overplay it. The risk in communication is rarely going too far—it is staying trapped in a narrow, monotonous band that fails to engage listeners.
[27:46](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=1666s) Rate of Speech and the Art of Vocal Highlighting
Vinh Giang and Steven Bartlett delve into the vocal foundations, starting with rate of speech. Vinh demonstrates how to manipulate speed on a scale from 0 to 10—where 1 is painfully slow and 10 is as fast as possible. Most people fall into a default speaking speed around a 5, but when nerves hit, speech accelerates considerably. Varying rate of speech creates vocal variety: slowing down acts like a highlighter for crucial information, while speeding up conveys charisma, energy, and momentum.
To bring this concept to life, Steven reads a famous monologue from the movie *Taken* (the iconic "particular set of skills" scene featuring Liam Neeson). On his first attempt, Steven reads at his comfortable default pace. Vinh coaches him to dramatically slow down key phrases—especially near the menacing end—and speed up through less critical lines. When Steven re-reads the lines, deliberately stretching out *"I will find you... and I will kill you,"* the emotional weight shifts instantly from ordinary reading to chilling suspense.
Steven reflects on how common it is in boardrooms or professional settings for nervous or younger team members to rush their speech. Vinh agrees, noting that confident speakers and leaders take their time and speak with composure, moving and talking with the deliberate poise of an apex predator.
* Most people default to speaking at roughly 150 words per minute, with 150 to 180 words per minute being an ideal, engaging conversational baseline.
* Exceeding 210 words per minute causes speech to feel rushed, frantic, and difficult for listeners to process.
* The transition between fast and slow speech is what hooks an audience's attention and creates clarity.
---
[33:30](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=2010s) Volume as the Lifeblood of Voice
Moving to the third vocal foundation, Vinh emphasizes that volume carries every other vocal element—melody, pace, and pitch. Rather than remaining static at a mid-level volume, effective communicators range across a scale of 1 to 10. Volume offers a unique mechanism for creating emphasis: while slowing down highlights points through pace, bringing volume down to a quiet murmur can make a message intensely captivating or intimidating. However, if a low or high volume becomes a person's default setting, it loses its power.
Steven tests this concept by performing a dramatic reading of Rocky Balboa's famous motivational speech to his son (*"If you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth..."*). Vinh encourages Steven to project loud enough for people outside the studio to hear, while also dropping into a whisper for dramatic contrast. Steven alternates between booming authority and a focused whisper, illustrating how dynamic volume generates physical vibrations that listeners literally feel.
* Speaking consistently at the lower end of the volume scale signals shyness or a lack of confidence.
* Leaders who speak at a high volume without balancing other vocal foundations often come across as aggressive or arrogant.
* "Voice is a series of vibrations... depending on how you use your voice, you're genuinely moving people quite physically."
---
[36:35](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=2195s) Tonality, Facial Expressions, and Body Cues
The conversation turns to tonality and the emotion embedded in the voice. Vinh describes the face as the "remote control" that alters vocal tone and injects genuine feeling into speech. To demonstrate, Steven reads a line from *When Harry Met Sally* (*"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody..."*) while Vinh calls out rapid-fire facial expressions for him to adopt: disgust, surprise, anger, and happiness. As Steven changes his face, his voice naturally shapes itself around each emotion, triggering mirror neurons in the listener.
Vinh candidly admits that men often struggle with emotional expressiveness because many are conditioned from a young age to remain composed and keep emotions hidden. He shares a personal story of attending a concert with his wife; when she asked how he was feeling, he replied in a flat, monotone voice, *"This is a really exciting concert,"* leaving her convinced he was having a terrible time. Learning to emote outwardly transformed his relationships and expanded his expressive range.
The two also discuss the power of non-verbal cues during conversations and podcasts. Listening actively through facial expressions allows a person to communicate engagement without interrupting verbally. However, misusing non-verbal cues can send the wrong signal—fast nodding often unconsciously communicates a desire for the speaker to wrap up, whereas a slow, tilted-head nod signals deep curiosity and absorption.
* Mirror neurons in the brain allow listeners to feel the emotions they observe in a speaker's facial expressions and vocal tone.
* Reacting with expressive facial movements rather than vocal interruptions keeps conversations fluid while maintaining strong connection.
* A rapid nod often sub-communicates "hurry up," while a slow nod signals "tell me more."
---
[41:21](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=2481s) The Structure of Storytelling: Reporting vs. Reliving
Steven observes that Vinh's communication relies heavily on structured narrative, noting how Vinh frequently leads into concepts with personal anecdotes or lessons from his mentors. Vinh agrees, explaining that structured stories are far more memorable and "sticky" than a dry list of life hacks or tips. He breaks down the distinction between how most people share experiences versus how master storytellers operate.
Most people make the mistake of simply *reporting* a story—delivering a brief, factual summary of events in a flat, news-anchor style. To illustrate, Vinh offers a reported version of how he met his wife: *"I met my wife at a bar. I did some magic for her, she didn't like it, and I gradually was able to woo her in the end."* While the facts are accurate, the delivery lacks life, emotion, and detail, failing to engage the listener's imagination.
[41:51](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=2511s) "Reliving" a Story vs. Reporting It: The Metaphor of the Bar Story
Vinh Giang demonstrates the difference between "reporting" a memory like a matter-of-fact news broadcast and truly "reliving" it. To illustrate this, he contrasts two ways of recounting how he met his wife, Vivian. The flat, matter-of-fact reporting version simply states that in 2009, Vinh went to a bar called Distill, attempted a cheesy magic trick to pick up a girl, failed, returned four times, and eventually succeeded in taking her out for coffee.
By contrast, the "reliving" version vividly drops the listener right into the scene at Distill in 2009. Vinh describes the physical layout of the bar—two levels, with the bottom for everyone and the top reserved for "high rollers" who bought expensive drinks. On the top level, he spotted a beautiful Malaysian girl sitting at the bar. Pulling out a deck of cards, he walked up and offered a cheesy pickup line: *"Would you be impressed if I transform this king of hearts into the queen of hearts like yourself?"* Her response was immediate disgust: *"I'd be more impressed if you transformed into a real man and had a conversation with me."* Defeated, Vinh walked away with his tail between his legs as his friends teased him. Driven by her confidence, he returned to the bar four consecutive nights until she was there again, approached her, and said, *"Hey, listen, what if I transform into a real man tonight and take you out for coffee?"* That approach led to them falling in love.
- **Key Difference:** Reporting delivers static facts (who, what, where, when); reliving transports the listener into the experience through sensory details, internal dialogue, and emotional shifts.
- **Audience Connection:** Storytelling builds rapport, chemistry, and trust before introducing a lesson or takeaway.
---
[43:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=2625s) The VAKS Sensory Framework and the 4-Part Storytelling Structure
When Steven Bartlett points out that Vinh included details like the bar having two floors, Vinh explains that sensory details transform a narrative from dry information into a lived experience. He introduces the **VAKS framework**, which provides the key ingredients to build immersive stories:
* **V – Visual:** Spatial descriptions, layouts, and physical appearances (e.g., describing the two levels of the bar).
* **A – Auditory:** Dialogue, character voices, sound effects, and varying vocal delivery.
* **K – Kinesthetic:** Physical feelings, movement, tactile feedback, and emotional reactions.
* **S – Smell / Taste:** Olfactory cues and atmospheric details that evoke strong sensory memories.
Vinh links VAKS to his overall four-part storytelling formula:
1. **The Hook:** Grabbing immediate attention.
2. **The Struggle:** Introducing conflict or failure (e.g., the embarrassing rejection at the bar).
3. **The Breakthrough:** Revealing the turning point or realization.
4. **The Application:** Giving the audience a clear, actionable lesson or takeaway.
Vinh emphasizes that many storytellers neglect the **Application**, leaving audiences asking "so what?" A strong story must transition from the personal narrative into a practical piece of advice the listener can execute immediately in their own life.
- **The Cycle of Doom:** People often seek knowledge by endlessly searching Google, watching millions of YouTube videos, or asking ChatGPT for generic advice, leading to information overload without real-world application.
- **Practical Challenge:** Vinh urges listeners to pick a single technique—such as practicing tonality while reading a children's book to a child, niece, or nephew—to observe its real-world impact.
---
[48:22](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=2902s) Harnessing the Power of Pauses
Turning to the final foundation of vocal delivery, Vinh guides Steven through a dramatic exercise using the iconic monologue from *Gladiator*: *"My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius..."* On the first attempt, Steven reads the lines continuously. While accurate, it lacks dramatic weight. Vinh then instructs him to re-read the passage while intentionally inserting deliberate **pauses**.
> "Whatever emotion comes before the pause, once you pause, it intensifies that emotion. If you've got the feeling of anger and you pause, oh, that is a pause of anger. But if all of a sudden I'm sad, and then I pause, you prolong the sadness."
Vinh draws a parallel to orchestral music: after a powerful crescendo, the moment of absolute silence is often the most important "note" in the entire piece. Pausing communicates confidence, gives the audience time to process profound ideas, and signals that what was just said carries immense weight. Rushing through a message—much like a nervous employee pitching a marketing plan to executives— robs the strategy of its perceived value.
- **Emotional Amplification:** Pauses act as amplifiers for whatever emotion precedes them (anger, sadness, authority).
- **Processing Time:** Giving listeners space to digest complex or important ideas improves clarity and retention.
---
[50:20](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3020s) Vocal Habits That Make People Dislike You: The "Sing-Song" Voice
Steven asks if specific speaking styles or vocal patterns cause people to instinctively dislike or tune out a speaker. Vinh identifies the **sing-song voice**—a repetitive, predictable melodic rhythm—as one of the primary culprits.
He uses Australian real estate agents and news anchors as prime examples. When an agent answers the phone with a repetitive, singsong cadenced *"Hello, this is James from XY Real Estate,"* the listener instantly switches off because the tone feels scripted, inauthentic, and corporate. By simply shifting to a natural, varied melody—*"Hey, it's James. How can I help, mate?"*—the delivery instantly sounds sincere.
Vinh points out that many technical experts and professionals default to a flat, monotonous delivery, believing "my work speaks for itself." His counter-argument is straightforward: *"That means you do great work, but why not speak for your work, too?"* Failing to master vocal foundations does a disservice to high-quality work and allows individuals with lesser ideas but superior showmanship to eclipse superior talent.
- **Sing-Song Pattern:** A fixed, repeating melody sequence signals to the listener that the speaker is reading from a script or being inauthentic.
- **Vocal Variety:** Authenticity stems from dynamic variation in melody, pitch, and speed rather than rigid vocal formulas.
---
[52:48](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3168s) The 3-Step "Record and Review" Self-Awareness Audit
For anyone unaware of their own communication flaws, Vinh outlines his signature 3-step **Record and Review** audit, a practice he adapted from his background as a professional magician.
1. **Record a 5-minute video:** Set up a phone, stand up, and speak continuously for five minutes. Use an impromptu topic or a random conversation starter from ChatGPT or Google rather than a rehearsed pitch to tease out natural, non-functional behaviors.
2. **Leave it for a day:** Do not watch the video immediately. Immediate viewing triggers self-criticism ("I hate my voice," "I look bad"). Waiting 24 hours provides necessary emotional distance and objectivity.
3. **Review in three distinct passes:**
* **Pass 1 (Auditory Only):** Turn the phone screen-down and crank the volume up. Evaluate vocal foundations: rate of speech, volume, tonality, pitch variety, and use of pauses.
* **Pass 2 (Visual Only):** Flip the phone over and mute the audio completely. Watch physical body language to spot unconscious ticks: swiveling in a chair, putting hands behind the back, or constantly touching glasses, face, or clothes.
* **Pass 3 (Combined):** Watch and listen together to assess overall alignment between voice, face, and body language.
- **Why Video Matters:** Audio alone misses physical ticks; video captures the full picture of non-verbal communication.
- **Creator Advantage:** Content creators and podcast hosts naturally become elite communicators because they are forced to regularly review their own video and audio performance.
Here is a detailed, faithful walkthrough based on the transcript provided:
[55:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3345s) Auditory Clutter and the Power of Transcription
Vinh Giang explains that when you watch and listen to recordings of yourself, you will notice non-functional behaviors you never knew existed because you previously avoided facing them. Many people feel stuck in bad habits, but communication is simply a series of behaviors that can be shifted. The final, critical review stage requires a different perspective: do not listen or watch, but get the recording transcribed.
Reading your own words on paper reveals issues immediately, causing people to realize how much they ramble or repeat themselves. For this review to be effective, every non-word and filler word must be left in the text. Non-words are the sounds made to fill silence (like *um* and *uh*), while filler words are phrases used to stall for time (such as "you know what I mean", "and so", or "like").
Reading a transcript instantly exposes all "auditory clutter." Giang advises going through the transcript with a red highlighter. He shares an example from his own life during COVID-19, when he was teaching online. Lacking in-person feedback from his students, he developed an unconscious habit of ending almost every sentence with the word "okay?" to check if they were following along. Marking up his transcript was the only way he recognized this pattern and successfully eliminated it.
- **Non-words:** Sounds like *um* and *uh* used to bridge silence.
- **Filler words:** Phrases like "you know what I mean", "and so", and "like".
- **Red Highlighter Technique:** Highlighting every instance of clutter on a written transcript to build immediate visual awareness.
---
[57:23](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3443s) Replacing Clutter Words with Pauses
When asked why clutter words matter, Giang demonstrates speech packed with "like", "um", and "you know". Excess clutter dilutes the clarity of the core message. While some filler words make a speaker sound human and natural, speech should never be littered with them.
Replacing this bad habit is straightforward: replace the urge to fill space with a deliberate pause. The moment a speaker feels an *um* coming on, they should simply pause instead of making a sound. He humorously notes, "We're not lagging. We're just pausing." This requires becoming comfortable with silence as part of a strong vocal foundation.
- **Core Habit Shift:** Replace filler sounds with intentional silence.
- **Goal:** Aim for natural clarity rather than robotic perfection; some filler words are acceptable, but heavy clutter obscures the message.
---
[58:33](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3513s) Overcoming Overwhelm with Kaizen
After completing a visual assessment, an auditory assessment, and a transcript review, people often face intense overwhelm. Realizing there are dozens of areas to improve leads to analysis paralysis, causing students to message Giang asking where to start. His answer is simple: pick one thing.
Giang recommends creating a 12-week plan focused on one specific skill per week. For instance, Week 1 might focus entirely on rate of speech. At the end of the week, the speaker records and reviews themselves again. If the rate of speech hasn't improved, Week 2 is dedicated to rate of speech as well.
He references the Japanese concept of *kaizen*—relentless, continuous improvement—as the required mindset. Giang recalls his past work coaching CEOs, who would often get annoyed that he kept them focused solely on their rate of speech for weeks. Because their default pace was so slow it put audiences to sleep, dedicating an entire month to speeding up their delivery transformed them into far more dynamic speakers.
- **12-Week Improvement Plan:** Target a single communication metric at a time (e.g., rate of speech).
- **Evaluation Loop:** Record and review at the end of each week; only move to a new skill once real change occurs.
- **Concept of Kaizen:** Japanese philosophy of relentless, incremental improvement.
---
[01:00:04](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3604s) Using Zoom and Video Review to Spot Over-Explaining
To catch habits like over-talking or over-explaining, a speaker must record themselves during live conversations. Zoom makes this process effortless. By reviewing recorded meetings, you can observe both your own delivery and the honest reactions of others.
Most people are afraid to give candid communication feedback, especially to a boss. The only critique people usually offer is "I felt like you talked a bit too fast," because deeper critiques feel like an attack on personality. However, body language never lies. Watching video back reveals subtle signs of disinterest, such as the "silent yawn"—where someone yawns with their mouth closed—or the moment someone loses focus.
Giang shares an anecdote from his keynote speaking career. He used to duct-tape two GoPro cameras together with the red recording lights taped over—one pointed at himself and one at the audience. Reviewing the videos side-by-side was a humbling experience; he could pinpoint the exact moment he lost the room because the audience's faces would light up from their phone screens. This practice revealed that a tangent he thought was funny and kept in his speeches for six months was actually boring the audience.
- **The "Silent Yawn":** A physical indicator that an audience or meeting participant is losing engagement.
- **GoPro Dual-Recording Technique:** Recording both the speaker and the audience simultaneously to track real-time engagement and identify dead weight in a presentation.
---
[01:03:22](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3802s) Pre-Stage Rituals for Peak Performance
When asked about his pre-stage routine during the years he gave up to 80 keynote speeches annually, Giang shares his strategy for calming the mind, relaxing the body, and getting focused.
1. **Breathwork:** He begins with Wim Hof guided bubble breathing—30 deep breaths, holding the breath, inhaling deeply, holding for 15 seconds, and releasing. Doing three cycles completely relaxes his mind and body.
2. **Physical Movement:** He follows breathwork with brisk walking and 10 to 20 push-ups. This burns off excess adrenaline. Without this step, nervous energy manifests on stage as "non-functional movement," such as aimless pacing across the platform.
3. **Mindset Shift:** If nervousness persists, he shifts his focus away from himself. Self-consciousness requires cognitive bandwidth spent on self-reflection. By focusing entirely on the audience and how to deliver value, there is no mental capacity left to feel nervous.
- **Wim Hof Breathing:** Three rounds of 30 power breaths and holds to calm the nervous system.
- **Adrenaline Regulation:** Light exercise (push-ups, brisk walking) to eliminate nervous pacing on stage.
- **Audience-Centric Shift:** Transitioning from self-consciousness to audience-consciousness to eliminate anxiety.
---
[01:05:10](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3910s) Vocal Warm-Ups: Lip Trills and Sirens
To prepare the mouth, tongue, and brain for early morning meetings or big speeches, specific vocal warm-ups are essential to wake up the articulators.
- **Lip Trills:** Gently vibrating the lips while pushing air through. If someone struggles to do this naturally, they can place their index fingers on their cheeks, push them together, and hum a favorite tune (Giang's current go-to is *The Final Countdown*). Doing this for two to three minutes warms up the lips—the primary articulators used to shape words—and activates the vocal cords.
- **The Siren Technique:** Sliding the voice smoothly from a very low pitch to a high pitch and back down to fully awaken the vocal range.
---
[01:06:09](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3969s) The Power Sphere and Foundation Hand Gestures
Giang discusses body language concepts learned from body language expert Mark Bowden. Executive presence is not an abstract trait; it is simply the combination of vocal presence and physical presence. Improving hand gestures directly elevates physical presence.
- **The Power Sphere:** The space between your belly button and your eyes. Shy speakers often gesture below this zone or keep their arms pinned to their sides ("playing small" or "T-Rexing"). Effective speakers use the full boundary of their power sphere with elbows off their sides.
- **The Placater Gesture:** Originated by family therapist Virginia Satir, this foundational gesture involves holding hands palm-up and open in front of the body. It signals non-aggression ("I have no weapons") and serves as a warm greeting. However, if overused, it resembles the "I don't know" posture and lacks authority.
- **The Leveler Gesture:** Performed with palms facing down toward the floor. This gesture project authority, calm, and control.
To demonstrate the power of the Leveler, Giang has the host command an imaginary child ("Melody, stop doing that") first with palms up (Placater) and then with palms down (Leveler). Flipping the hands over to the Leveler position instantly and automatically changes the speaker's tone, volume, and posture to project natural authority.
- **Power Sphere Boundaries:** The zone from the belly button to eye level where gestures command maximum authority and presence.
- **Placater Gesture:** Palms up; conveys openness, warmth, and friendliness.
- **Leveler Gesture:** Palms down; conveys authority, boundaries, and control.
[01:09:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=4140s) The Monotone Body and the Blamer Gesture
When practicing vocal shifts, the pitch naturally drops when projecting frustration or anger. This happens without conscious instruction because it is a universal physiological response. A monotone voice ultimately stems from a monotone body; changing physical posture immediately alters the quality of the sound produced because the voice and body are fundamentally interconnected.
A common pitfall occurs at the end of presentations or keynotes. Speakers often wrap up by dropping their hands or pointing them downward, creating a closed-off impression that subtly signals they want to leave the stage and do not welcome questions. Conversely, keeping the posture open and inviting gestures completely changes how the audience receives the invitation to interact.
Another distinctive physical posture is the "blamer" gesture, which involves direct pointing. A slightly softer variation frequently used by politicians is the full-finger point, where all fingers are grouped together rather than extending a single index finger. People often fall into the blamer trap accidentally during conversations, subtly gesturing or pointing in the direction of their conversational partner when discussing a sensitive topic, which can feel confrontational or exclusionary.
* **The Voice-Body Connection:** A monotone voice is directly caused by a rigid, unchanging physical posture.
* **The Blamer Gesture:** A direct index-finger point that signals accusation; politicians soften this by using a closed, full-finger hand gesture.
* **Accidental Pointing:** Speakers frequently make the mistake of gesturing directly at their interviewer or partner when describing a negative trait or general stereotype.
---
[01:10:44](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=4244s) The Computer and the Distractor Poses
The "computer" pose—similar to a modified "thinker" pose—is a highly effective posture for podcasts or active listening scenarios. It involves placing one arm across the chest or under the opposite armpit while resting the other hand on the chin. Softening the pose with a slight head tilt indicates to the speaker that their thoughts are being actively processed. This physical alignment demonstrates deep engagement and leaning in, which is critical during moments of heightened emotion when a blank, motionless facial expression might otherwise make the speaker feel ignored or unheard.
The final gesture pattern is the "distractor," which functions as an intentional auditory and visual pattern break. If a speaker realizes they have gone down a tangent on stage and notices the audience drifting off or looking at their phones, the distractor can reset the room's attention. It combines an auditory cue, like a sudden clap, with a visual sweeping motion reminiscent of shooing away bees. Using this technique helps re-engage a distracted audience, though relying on it more than once during a single presentation indicates a need for a more coherent rehearsal and delivery process.
* **The Computer Pose:** One arm tucked across the torso with the other hand supporting the chin, used to signal active cognitive processing and deep empathy.
* **Head Tilts:** A slight tilt of the head softens a listener's expression, making them appear more approachable and receptive.
* **The Distractor Gesture:** A dramatic pattern break combining a clap with a broad hand-sweeping motion to snap an audience out of a distraction.
---
[01:12:30](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=4350s) Contextual Communication and Building a Social Media Brand
These physical and vocal adjustments are highly applicable to creators building personal brands and filming social media content. Without active vocal and visual variation, videos become flat, boring, and unengaging. People often resist these techniques by arguing that performing this way feels unnatural or artificial, but impactful communication requires adjusting one's delivery to fit the specific medium and context.
For instance, top creators like Jimmy Donaldson (MrBeast) employ a highly energetic, amplified vocal style for their videos to capture and hold attention. They do not speak with that same extreme level of intensity in their private lives or when talking to their partners at dinner, but they understand that the medium demands playing their "instrument" differently to achieve the desired outcome. Influencing an audience takes deliberate effort, and those who want to maximize their impact must accept that high-level communication requires intentional work.
* **Content Creation:** Coming to life visually and vocally prevents digital content from feeling dry and unengaging.
* **The Instrument Analogy:** Mastery means learning to play your communication style differently depending on the audience, medium, and setting.
* **The Illusion of a Single Identity:** Sticking rigidly to "one authentic self" in every single scenario limits a speaker's effectiveness in specialized environments.
---
[01:13:53](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=4433s) Mastering Virtual Communication on Zoom
The shift toward post-pandemic remote work means a vast amount of critical communication now takes place over platforms like Zoom and Google Hangouts. Maintaining excellent communication skills is even more critical online because sitting in front of a webcam naturally causes people to feel self-conscious, which often leads to a drop in their vocal foundations. To counter this, speakers must bring a deliberate mindset of generosity regarding their personal energy.
While people easily understand generosity in terms of money or time, they rarely consider energy as a resource to share. Communicating masterfully through a screen requires projecting a significantly larger, more vibrant version of oneself to bridge the digital divide. While this level of energy projection can feel exaggerated to someone sitting in the same physical room, it translates to virtual participants as genuine engagement and zest.
* **Three Forms of Generosity:** Money, time, and energy—the latter being essential for engaging virtual audiences.
* **Digital Energy Loss:** The unnatural environment of a webcam causes people to drop their vocal presence unless they consciously over-project.
* **Amplified Presence:** Teaching or presenting to large groups online requires bringing a much larger version of oneself to appear sufficiently engaging on screen.
---
[01:16:43](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=4603s) Technical Setup for Professional Video Calls
To look visually dynamic on video calls, technical setup and camera placement are vital. Many professionals make the mistake of framing only their heads, which severely limits their visual impact. Pushing the laptop back, utilizing a wider external lens, and using an external microphone allows the camera to capture the speaker's entire torso.
This framing leverages the concept of proxemics, which is the study of personal space and distance. Zooming in closely forces the speaker into the "intimate space"—a distance typically reserved for private pillow talk—which can make participants feel subconsciously uncomfortable. Expanding the frame to display the torso places the interaction comfortably within the "personal and social space," making others feel at ease while freeing up room for natural hand gestures.
* **Proxemics:** The study of distance in human interaction; virtual speakers should avoid crowding the camera to stay out of the viewer's intimate zone.
* **Visual Framing:** Displaying the full torso creates a more natural, comfortable, and expressive social space.
* **Three-Point Lighting:** A professional lighting technique consisting of a key light, a fill light, and a back or hair light to separate the subject from the background.
* **Hardware Benchmarks:** Using a high-quality external webcam running at a minimum of 1080p, paired with a reliable external microphone and fiber-optic Wi-Fi, ensures a sharp and professional presentation.
---
[01:19:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=4748s) Identity, Accents, and the Judgments of Slurring
Identity often traps individuals within rigid boundaries of how they think they should sound, yet human speech styles are highly malleable and heavily influenced by our immediate environment. For instance, people easily pick up distinct regional dialects, such as a Scouse or New York accent, simply by living in those areas. However, attempting to consciously improve articulation can draw negative pushback from peers who view the change as an abandonment of their shared identity.
Choosing to clean up pronunciation, pronounce clear "T" sounds, or replace slurred slang with precise diction can lead others to accuse a speaker of acting superior or trying to sound British. Slurring words or dropping consonants can cause people to make unfair, subconscious judgments about a speaker's intelligence. Addressing these vocal habits is not about losing authenticity, but rather about managing perceptions and ensuring that a casual speech style does not cause others to look down on the speaker.
> "Because when I speak like that, it creates the wrong perception in people's minds and then they now look down on me as a result of that."
* **Accent Contagion:** Accents demonstrate how easily human communication styles adapt to blend into a given environment.
* **Peer Resistance to Growth:** Improving personal articulation can cause friction with friends or family who interpret the change as a rejection of their identity.
* **Perceived Intelligence:** Slurring words or using excessive slang can trigger immediate, subconscious biases regarding a speaker's capability.
[01:21:07](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=4867s) Accents, Articulation, and Breaking the "Bamboo Ceiling"
```
┌─────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ THE ACCENT MYTH MATRIX │
└─────────────────────────────────────────┘
│
┌──────────────────────────┴──────────────────────────┐
▼ ▼
┌─────────────────────────────┐ ┌─────────────────────────────┐
│ COMMON MISCONCEPTION │ │ VINH'S PERSPECTIVE │
├─────────────────────────────┤ ├─────────────────────────────┤
│ • Accent is the issue │ │ • Articulation is key │
│ • Native patterns required │ │ • Wrong physical mechanics │
│ • Identity must be erased │ │ • Skill anyone can acquire │
└─────────────────────────────┘ └─────────────────────────────┘
```
The conversation shifts to the profound biases surrounding accents, citing a 2006 Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development survey showing that **76% of employers admitted to discriminating against candidates based solely on their accent**. While acknowledging that society often "judges a book by its cover," Vinh Giang pushes back on the common assumption that accents themselves are the root problem. Instead, he argues that the true barrier is a lack of **articulation and pronunciation**. People often assume individuals with British accents sound naturally intelligent or sophisticated—like James Bond—because they articulate sharply. Vinh emphasizes that anyone can radiate intelligence in any accent once they refine their mechanics. He explains that non-native speakers often struggle because they apply the physical mouth movements of their native tongue to English. Vinh shares his own journey of using Vietnamese mouth movements to speak English until he worked directly with a speech pathologist to learn the correct mechanical setups.
Steven asks Vinh how he completely shed his original accent given that English was his third language, comparing it to his own mother, who moved from Nigeria to the UK in her late teens/early 20s and retained her accent 40 years later. Vinh notes that retaining an accent is often tied to identity and maintaining a connection to one's roots, which adds character. However, Vinh underscores that when it comes to communication barriers and professional opportunities, the distinction between a strong accent with *poor* articulation versus one with *clear* articulation is massive. Steven brings up research showing that users of non-standard speech patterns—such as African-American Vernacular English (AAVE)—face harsh systemic penalties in hiring, housing, and legal outcomes, which both agree represents a profound injustice.
Vinh reflects on his early career as an Asian speaker with dyed blonde hair, recalling how peers warned him about the **"bamboo ceiling"**—an invisible barrier for Asian professionals in an industry dominated by older white men. For years, believing this narrative held him back from applying for major corporate gigs. Everything changed when he embraced Steve Martin’s famous quote: *"Be so good they can't ignore you."* Vinh decided to reject the concept of the ceiling entirely, relentless in perfecting his craft by strapping GoPros together to analyze his stage performance minute by minute. Starting from the northern suburbs of Adelaide, Australia, he transformed from a child bullied for not speaking English—forced to switch schools five times—into a world-renowned speaker earning millions to teach the art of communication.
- **Key Research Stat:** 76% of employers in a 2006 CIPD study admitted to accent-based discrimination.
- **Steve Martin Quote:** "Be so good they can't ignore you."
- **Vinh's Childhood Story:** He was bullied for his language skills, moved across 5 different schools, and grew up in the northern suburbs of Adelaide, South Australia.
---
[01:27:36](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=5256s) The BMX Bike Story and Resolving Past Pain
Vinh shares a emotional full-circle moment about a childhood bully who reached out to him 25 years later. Back in the 1990s, Vinh's parents worked tirelessly for months to save up **280 Australian dollars**—a huge sum for their family at the time—to buy him a prized BMX bike equipped with stunt pegs. Shortly after getting it, a local bully tracked down where Vinh lived and stole it, breaking his heart.
Two decades later, after Vinh had established a massive public platform sharing inspirational content, that same bully sent him a message to sincerely apologize for taking the bike. Steven jokes, "Did you ask him for a f***ing bike back?" While the bike wasn't returned, Vinh felt immense respect for the man taking accountability. The apology provided closure for a deeply painful memory tied to his parents' sacrifices, demonstrating how putting positive energy into the world can heal old wounds.
---
[01:28:38](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=5318s) Disarming Bullies with the "Yes, And" Improv Technique
Moving from childhood memories to practical tactics, Steven asks how to conversationally disarm workplace bullies, critics, or patronizing people. Vinh recommends borrowing the fundamental rule of comedic improvisation: **"Yes, and..."** Instead of defensively arguing or digging in, you humorously accept the critic's premise and build on top of it, completely deflating their attack.
```
┌─────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ THE "YES, AND..." DEFLECTION │
└─────────────────────────────────────────────────┘
│
┌───────────────────────────────┴───────────────────────────────┐
▼ ▼
┌─────────────────────────────────────┐ ┌─────────────────────────────────────┐
│ THE "YES, BUT..." │ │ THE "YES, AND..." │
│ (Defensive Friction) │ │ (Ego-Free Alignment) │
├─────────────────────────────────────┤ ├─────────────────────────────────────┤
│ Critic: "Your price is too high!" │ │ Critic: "Your price is too high!" │
│ Response: "Yes, BUT we spend more │ │ Response: "Yes, AND that's because │
│ on R&D than anyone else!" │ │ we invest heavily in R&D to give │
│ │ │ you the best product." │
│ Result: Creates conflict & friction │ │ Result: Disarms attack & builds on │
│ (Brains shut down). │ │ common ground. │
└─────────────────────────────────────┘ └─────────────────────────────────────┘
```
When an attacker hurls an insult like "You're an idiot," Vinh's response is to remove his ego and lean in: *"Yeah, I can be pretty clumsy at times, I know that."* If someone calls him stupid, he replies: *"You know what? I've done so many stupid things as an entrepreneur, I just hope you haven't seen all of them."* By agreeing and expanding, you deny the bully the friction they need to ignite an argument. Steven asks if this lets the bully win, but Vinh explains that winning simply means refusing to get hooked into unnecessary conflict. Quoting Brené Brown and Theodore Roosevelt, Vinh notes that if someone isn't in the arena with you, their hostile feedback isn't worth defending against.
Steven illustrates this through his experience as an investor on *Dragons' Den*, where entrepreneurs frequently wreck their pitches by responding with **"Yes, but..."** when challenged on pricing or business models. Saying "but" signals to the listener that their reality is being rejected, driving an antagonistic exchange. Switching to "Yes, and..." allows the speaker to validate the concern before adding context (e.g., *"Yes, and the reason our service is priced higher is because we invest heavily in R&D"*). Steven references research by neuroscientist Tali Sharot: FMRI brain scans show that when two people agree, their brain networks light up, but the moment they enter a sharp disagreement, cognitive engagement effectively shuts down. Using "Yes, and..." prevents that mental shutdown.
- **Brené Brown / Theodore Roosevelt Quote:** "If you're not in the arena with me, I'm not really that interested in your feedback."
- **Neuroscience Insight (Tali Sharot):** Brain scans reveal that open disagreement causes neural synchronization to drop and active engagement to shut down; agreement keeps brain pathways illuminated.
---
[01:32:50](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=5570s) Breaking the Ice: The "High, Low, Buffalo" Conversation Starter
Addressing the widespread awkwardness around small talk and starting conversations in a digital world, Vinh reveals his favorite high-courage icebreaker game: **High, Low, Buffalo**. Designed to quickly generate rich conversational threads without superficial pleasantries, the game breaks down into three distinct elements:
* **High:** Something positive currently going on in your life.
* **Low:** A current struggle, challenge, or vulnerability.
* **Buffalo:** A random, unique, or interesting fact about yourself.
Vinh demonstrates the game on the spot:
* **High:** Being on *The Diary Of A CEO* podcast, which he considers a massive career highlight.
* **Low:** Wrestling with the concept of "what is enough" in his current chapter of life—balancing the drive to scale his business with personal contentment.
* **Buffalo:** He lives on an acreage and owns three alpacas.
By sharing a genuine high, a real vulnerability, and a quirky personal detail, both speakers immediately unlock multiple natural avenues for deeper, engaging conversation.
[01:34:28](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=5668s) Deepening Workplace Connection with "High Low Buffalo"
```
HIGH: Something exciting
/
HIGH LOW BUFFALO ── LOW: A current struggle
\
BUFFALO: A random or quirky fact
```
To demonstrate how to move beyond superficial pleasantries, Steven Bartlett and Vinh Giang play an interactive game called "High Low Buffalo." In this exercise, each participant shares a **High** (something exciting), a **Low** (a current challenge or struggle), and a **Buffalo** (a random, unexpected, or quirky fact). Steven offers his own inputs: his high is that he is genuinely enjoying the conversation and learning a lot; his low is struggling to maintain balance between his workout routine, heavy recording schedule, working late evenings, and squeezing in personal relationships; and his buffalo is that he is training for a marathon he hasn't actually signed up for yet.
Vinh explains that this game is a powerful tool specifically designed for connecting with colleagues or acquaintances you have known for a while but never speak to beyond a casual "hi." In a typical office setting, people often take a single "shot in the dark" topic—such as asking if someone saw the latest popular video—and if the other person hasn't, the conversation instantly dies. By sharing a High, Low, and Buffalo, a speaker puts **three distinct conversational threads** on the table, while receiving three back from the other person. This creates six potential threads to explore, allowing the interaction to bypass dry small talk and immediately foster deeper rapport through vulnerability and shared interest.
- **Vinh's High Low Buffalo Example**: Vinh shares that his high is being excited to be on the podcast, his low is also struggling with health and work-life balance, and his buffalo is that he lives on an acreage with three alpacas.
- **The Power of Options**: Having multiple threads allows the other person to pick a topic they genuinely relate to—such as fitness or pets—preventing dead-end conversations.
- **Overcoming Isolation at Work**: Vinh notes that many people dislike their jobs primarily because they lack meaningful connections with their teammates, which games like this help bridge.
Steven introduces two podcast sponsors in which he is also an investor. He highlights **PerfectTed**, a brand producing ceremonial-grade Japanese matcha used globally by major coffee chains such as *Blank Street Coffee* and *Joe & the Juice*. Unlike bitter, grassy matchas, PerfectTed offers smooth, naturally sweet, flavored matcha powders for easy home preparation. Steven also highlights **Whoop**, a wearable fitness tracker that measures body recovery and strain. He shares data from Whoop's "Project PR" study, noting how recovery-based training yields dramatic performance gains while reducing the risk of injury.
- **PerfectTed Offer**: Listeners can get **40% off** their first order at `perfectted.com` using the promo code **STEVEN40**.
- **Whoop Project PR Study**: Runners who adjusted their training based on Whoop recovery scores improved their 5K times by an average of **2 minutes and 40 seconds**, reduced injury risk by **over 30%**, and achieved these results while training *less*.
- **Whoop Trial**: Available at `[join.whoop.com/ceo](https://join.whoop.com/ceo)` with a 30-day zero-commitment trial.
---
[01:39:21](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=5961s) Mastering Small Talk with the 3-2-1 Framework
```
┌── 3 STEPS (e.g., "3 steps to personal branding")
│
3 - 2 - 1 ─────┼── 2 TYPES (e.g., "2 types of personal branding")
FRAMEWORK │
└── 1 THING (e.g., "The 1 thing you must focus on")
```
Starting with compelling statistics, Steven highlights the critical role of small talk: a University of Oxford study revealed that **55% of all professional and personal relationships** are formed through casual interactions, while Harvard Business Review found that **80% of workplace conversations** involve small talk. To help navigate these brief interactions without getting bogged down or overwhelming the listener, Vinh teaches his **3-2-1 Framework**. When someone asks a broad question, the speaker mentally structures a concise response around either:
1. **3 Steps** to achieving something
2. **2 Types** of a concept
3. **1 Main Thing** that matters most
This structure keeps answers punchy, structured, and easy to exit gracefully when taking a photo or moving on to another guest. Additionally, Vinh advises keeping three or four pre-prepared, high-value questions in your "back pocket" rather than falling back on cliché weather observations. His absolute favorite go-to question is: *"What do you do in your free time?"* He prefers this over asking people what they do for a living, pointing out that asking about someone's career often feels like trying to assess their position in a social status hierarchy. In contrast, asking about free time invites genuine passion and opens doors to fascinating topics.
---
[01:42:09](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=6129s) How to Handle Being Interrupted at Work
```
NEED MORE PRESENCE?
┌─────────────────────────┐
│ Vocal Presence │ ─── Increase volume & resonance
├─────────────────────────┤
│ Physical Presence │ ─── Use larger gestures & power sphere
├─────────────────────────┤
│ Physical Posture │ ─── Stand up during meetings
└─────────────────────────┘
```
When addressing the frustration of being constantly interrupted during workplace meetings, Vinh explains that interruptions rarely happen just because people are rude; they happen primarily because the speaker lacks adequate **vocal and physical presence**. A quiet voice, hesitant delivery, and small body language signal to the room that the speaker has surrendered the floor. To solve this at a foundational level, individuals must increase their volume, use expansive hand gestures in their "power sphere," and project confidence.
For an immediate tactical fix, Vinh recommends **standing up** when delivering a point in a seated team meeting. Standing instantly commands physical presence, making a pause feel like an intentional, authoritative emphasis rather than an invitation for someone else to jump in. For the 99% of people who interrupt out of an eager desire to add value rather than malice, Vinh suggests **priming the conversation** before speaking.
> "Hey, to everyone in the team, I want to share my idea. If you give me 5 minutes, at the end of it I would love to ask for your input. But I'd love to share my idea completely and wholly. Is that okay?"
If an eager colleague still butts in after this ground rule is set, Vinh advises validating them briefly before firmly asserting boundaries: *"Thanks, Steven. I'm still sharing the idea, but I'll come back to your question in a moment."*
- **Fix the Foundation**: Elevate physical posture and vocal projection so you are naturally harder to talk over.
- **Stand to Hold the Floor**: Standing creates visual dominance that protects pauses from being hijacked.
- **Prime the Audience**: Pre-frame your presentation time to gain explicit agreement from the room before diving in.
- **Reclaim Your Land**: If interrupted, acknowledge the person politely and immediately transition back to finishing your point.
---
[01:44:21](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=6261s) Matching, Mirroring, and the F-O-R-D Framework
```
F ── Family
O ── Occupation
R ── Recreation
D ── Dreams
```
Vinh emphasizes that **matching and mirroring** is one of the fastest ways to build rapport, but notes that while most people understand this concept for body language, very few apply it to their **voice**. When timid or soft-spoken attendees approach Vinh after a high-energy keynote, matching their lower energy and quiet tone prevents them from feeling intimidated. To illustrate this, he jokes about demystifying public figures: *"When we fart, it still smells!"* Meeting people where they are vocally makes them feel safe and comfortable, after which you can gradually lead them out of their shell to a higher energy level.
To build deeper, more memorable connections that break out of standard work talk, Vinh recommends the **F-O-R-D** framework. Instead of sticking strictly to occupation—which is where most professionals default—conversations can be broadened across four rich domains:
* **F - Family**: Asking about loved ones, upbringing, or home life.
* **O - Occupation**: Discussing work, projects, and career journeys.
* **R - Recreation**: Exploring hobbies, sports, travel, and free-time passions.
* **D - Dreams**: Inquiring about future goals, bucket list items, and aspirations.
Vinh notes that expanding conversations beyond just occupation makes interactions feel uniquely personal and deeply resonant compared to standard corporate networking.
[01:46:37](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=6397s) Vulnerability, Cultural Nuance, and Why American Speakers Struggle Down Under
Vinh Giang and Steven Bartlett reflect on how being vulnerable completely shifts the energy of a conversation. Steven notes how when Vinh opened up about struggling with taking on too much, it immediately humanized him: *"There's something that changed in me... I was like, oh, he's human."* Vinh emphasizes that showing vulnerability requires genuine courage—it makes people clench their butt cheeks at first because no one likes feeling exposed, but showing that you are human and struggle with things completely changes the room.
The discussion pivots to how communication and body language techniques must be adjusted depending on cultural context. Steven brings up a previous conversation on the podcast with body language expert Vanessa Van Edwards, noting how comments highlighted cultural differences—such as the more reserved nature of British culture. Vinh 100% agrees, illustrating the culture gap with how motivational speakers perform in Australia versus the US. When hyper-enthusiastic American speakers land down under yelling, *"Get on your feet, let's start!"*, Australian and British audiences sit back, fold their arms, and think, *"Yeah, no, mate... we're not doing that just yet."*
Vinh admits he has made huge cultural missteps himself on stage. In his signature keynote, he tells a story about telling his father he wanted to leave accounting to become a magician, doing a playful impression of his dad asking, *"What the hell? You want to be the Harry Potter?"* When he performed this same bit in Asia, nobody laughed. He started sweating bullets on stage as he realized he lacked cultural sensitivity, and the audience slowly realized he was making fun of the accent, causing the room to turn against him.
- **Cultural Nuance in Speaking:** Speakers must study local norms before taking the stage abroad; high-hype American delivery fails in skeptical markets like Australia and the UK.
- **Learning Through Mistakes:** Paying the price of failure is the only way to refine communication skills, even though most people today try to avoid the pain of failing.
---
[01:49:10](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=6550s) The Science of Why You Hate Your Own Voice and Appearance
Steven recalls recording himself on cassette tapes as a kid in Plymouth and being horrified by his own voice—so much so that he thought something was wrong with the tape recorder. Vinh explains the fascinating acoustics behind this universal phenomenon: when you speak, you hear your own voice vibrating through the dense mediums of your own bones and muscle tissue, making it sound deeper, richer, and more resonant (like Barry White). However, when other people hear you—or when you listen to a recording—the medium is air, which is far less dense, making your voice sound higher-pitched and unfamiliar.
A similar distortion occurs with visual self-perception on camera. People spend their entire lives looking at themselves mirrored in a bathroom mirror. When they see un-flipped video footage, their face looks subtly asymmetrical and wrong to them, even though it is what the rest of the world sees every day. Vinh explains that the only way to overcome the cringeworthy feeling of hearing or seeing yourself is **desensitization** through continuous exposure. Steven agrees, noting that while he doesn't necessarily "love" his voice, podcasts have desensitized him to the point where he no longer cringes.
Vinh reiterates his core exercise: **Record and Review**. If you pick just three specific habits to adjust after watching yourself back—such as adding vocal melody, increasing volume, or expanding body language—it radically transforms how you come across. Most speakers function like a car locked in a single gear, bringing the exact same monotone communication style to every single interaction.
- **Bone Conduction vs. Air Conduction:** Internal voice perception relies on bone/tissue vibration (deeper sound); external listening travels through air (higher-pitched sound).
- **The Mirror Effect:** We are accustomed to mirrored images of our faces; standard camera footage flips this perspective, triggering visual discomfort.
- **The Three-Change Rule:** You are only three actionable behavioral adjustments away from completely transforming your presence.
---
[01:51:39](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=6699s) Debunking Introverts vs. Extroverts and Overcoming Social Anxiety
When Steven asks whether the binary distinction between introverts and extroverts is "bullshit," Vinh shares a lesson from his vocal teacher. She asked him how a concert pianist's performance would differ if the pianist were an introvert versus an extrovert. The answer is that the music sounds identical—the instrument is played the same way. The only real difference is that introverts drain energy from social interactions and must be highly diligent about when they expend it, whereas extroverts gain energy and can sustain playing their "instrument" for longer stretches. Being an introvert is no excuse for communicating poorly or speaking in a flat, unengaging whisper.
Addressing listeners who suffer from severe social anxiety and panic attacks, Vinh recommends gradual exposure therapy and shares his own past struggles. He admits that the sole reason he initially learned magic as a kid was because he felt he had zero intrinsic value: *"By myself I'm not amazing... But then when I had this amazing thing, then everyone thought I was amazing."* However, relying on a trick became a crutch; if he forgot his deck of cards, he felt naked, anxious, and incapable of connecting with people.
This realization led Vinh to identify what he calls **Contextual Confidence**. Everyone has specific environments or niche topics where they suddenly light up and become articulate, charismatic communicators—even if they label themselves as socially anxious. Mastering core communication tools like voice, body language, and storytelling creates universal confidence because, unlike a deck of cards or a ukulele, you can never accidentally leave your voice or body language at home.
- **The Piano Metaphor:** Communication skills are like playing an instrument; introversion dictates energy management, not the quality of the performance.
- **The Ukulele Story:** At age 13 during Year 8 camp, Vinh's shy friend Kevin played a ukulele around the campfire and suddenly was able to flirt with girls; the next morning at breakfast without the instrument, Kevin was back to sitting alone in silence.
- **Contextual Confidence defined:** Feeling confident only when supported by a specific context, topic, or crutch—versus building intrinsic communication skills that work anywhere.
---
[01:55:42](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=6942s) Energy as Currency and the "Hotel Room Wave"
Steven asks Vinh if he gets exhausted after delivering high-energy presentations. Vinh confirms he gets completely drained because he views energy as a deliberate, conscious gift. To prepare for their 4:00 p.m. interview, Vinh stayed inside his hotel room all day conserving his energy so he could offer Steven the absolute best version of himself, despite dealing with jet lag.
He shares a funny story about his videographer getting so worried about him locked in his room all day that he texted him asking for a sign of life: *"Just wave to me outside of your window so I can see you."* Vinh opened the door, waved out to the corridor, and reassured him he was fine.
Steven relates, sharing that he often wonders whether human energy is finite because he feels entirely depleted after recording podcasts. Vinh argues that energy is a finite currency and an invisible transaction. When you spend energy to make someone else's day better—like making an airline worker laugh at the check-in counter—the world responds. On his flight over, Vinh brought great energy to the counter agent just to lighten her day, and she ended up upgrading his flight.
> "I feel like I've just found this cheat code in life where I keep my energy when I need it... Like a currency."
---
[01:58:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=7088s) The Internal Tug-of-War: Entrepreneur vs. Dad
Bringing the conversation back to a personal dilemma Vinh touched on earlier, Steven asks him to unpack his internal struggle with the question: *"When is enough, enough?"* Vinh explains that a true struggle implies two powerful, opposing forces pulling in opposite directions. On one side is his fierce drive as an ambitious entrepreneur; on the other side is his upgraded identity as a father to an eight-year-old son and a one-year-old daughter.
These two roles feel mutually exclusive, and the tension between them has never been stronger. Vinh opens up about how his own father was an incredible, solid pillar throughout his childhood. Historically, Vinh spent up to 180 days a year traveling on the road for keynote speaking and workshops, but becoming a father has forced him to confront the immense cost of that lifestyle.
[01:59:24](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=7164s) Navigating Success and Sacrifice: The Recalibrate Process
Vinh Giang opens up about the painful trade-offs between professional success and family life, acknowledging that he missed out on a significant portion of his son's upbringing. Having once "drank the Kool-Aid" believing a person could have it all without compromise, he has come to realize that every upward leap in career success brings an equal measure of personal sacrifice. As his commitment to being a present father grows, so too do the scale and volume of career opportunities, creating a constant internal push and pull.
To navigate this tension without losing his way, Vinh conducts a bi-annual audit called "Recalibrate," a structured reflection process he co-developed with his close friend Ali Torabi, co-founder of Future Golf in Australia. Every six months, with their families' permission, the two spend half a week to a full week away reviewing their recent decisions, successes, and low points. By consulting their daily journals, they pinpoint the exact actions that caused distress—vowing to eliminate them in the upcoming half-year—while systematically scheduling more of the activities that brought genuine fulfillment.
- **The Recalibrate Framework:** A 3-to-7-day retreat conducted every 6 months to review journals, analyze emotional high/low points, and recalibrate commitments.
- **Key Co-Creator:** Ali Torabi, co-founder of Future Golf.
---
[02:01:30](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=7290s) Contextual Confidence and a Father's Ambition
Reflecting on his early career, Vinh admits his ambitions were initially driven by selfish, material motives—making money and accumulating status symbols. That worldview shifted dramatically following the birth of his son, Xander, in 2017. While living in the United States as isolated, first-time parents without a local support network, Vinh and his wife noticed developmental differences in Xander. During a family trip to Japan, Vinh's cousin and her husband—both professional psychologists—sat the couple down to share their observation: Xander was on the autism spectrum. At the time, facing potential challenges with eye contact and non-verbal communication, Vinh suffered deep guilt, worrying his frequent absences had caused his son to withdraw.
His wife reframed the situation with a transformative perspective, asking: "Do you think it's by chance that one of the greatest things that people who are on the spectrum struggle with, you're really great at?" Driven by this realization, Vinh dedicated his career to mastering and teaching communication, recognizing that teaching a discipline forces one to break it down into micro-steps. He applied these exact principles to gently desensitize Xander to public environments over 30 to 40 gradual visits to a theater—starting outside the doors, then standing inside, and eventually moving closer. This gradual approach culminated in a moment where Xander voluntarily walked onto a stage in front of hundreds of audience members, picked up the microphone, and naturally asked his father for a book.
- **Son's Birth Year:** 2017 in the United States.
- **Diagnosis Realization:** Identified during a trip to Japan by Vinh's cousin and her husband (both psychologists).
- **Desensitization Process:** 30–40 incremental exposures to a theater environment, leading to Xander speaking live on stage before hundreds of people.
---
[02:04:48](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=7488s) From Materialism to Monasticism: The Story of Vinh's Parents
Vinh shares the remarkable story of his parents, who arrived in Australia as refugees fleeing the Vietnam War with zero financial assets. Through sheer labor—peeling 20-kilogram bags of onions for 50 cents a bag, sewing garments in two of their house's three bedrooms, selling garden vegetables for 10 cents a bunch, and cooking traditional Vietnamese dishes to sell from their home—they gradually built up enough capital to purchase a farm, followed by a grocery store, and eventually an empire of pharmacies, restaurants, and commercial real estate across South Australia.
Despite achieving immense material wealth, Vinh watched his father fall into an "endless pursuit of more," buying luxury assets—such as a jet ski they couldn't use because no one held a boat license, or a two-story home simply because an uncle bought one—out of pure status competition. Exhausted by the status game, his parents sat Vinh down before his move to the US to announce they were relinquishing their fortune, renouncing their material possessions, and becoming Buddhist monks. Refusing to leave their children a traditional financial inheritance so as not to destroy their drive, they established a modest self-sufficient meditation center called *Nang Mai* in South Australia. There, Vinh's father uses quiet physical labor, such as gardening, to help fellow Vietnamese refugees process deep trauma and grief.
> "A king that knows the limits to his desires will rule a lifetime."
- **Refugee Labor & Early Earnings:** Peeled 20kg bags of onions for $0.50 per bag; sold garden vegetables for $0.10 a bunch.
- **Business Expansion:** Evolved from onion peeling and home food production to buying a farm, South Australia's first grocery stores, pharmacies, restaurants, and real estate.
- **Retreat Center Name:** *Nang Mai*, located on a block of land in South Australia featuring a shed-turned-meditation hall and vegetable gardens.
---
[02:11:27](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=7887s) The Endless Pursuit of More
Vinh recalls how his father's wisdom ultimately saved him from burnout during his peak years as an international keynote speaker in the United States. Caught on a grueling schedule of 80 speeches and over 200 days on the road per year, Vinh felt trapped by lucrative speaking fees and the addictive high of performance, despite feeling profoundly lonely and isolated. Every time he considered stepping back, the financial rewards tempted him to stay "just one more year."
The turning point arrived during a phone call from his father. Knowing Vinh's love for medieval history and movies, his father shared a single parable: "A king that knows the limits to his desires will rule a lifetime." Recognizing that unbridled ambition leads to destruction—just as conquering kings inevitably fall—Vinh immediately recalibrated his priorities. He stepped away from his lucrative US speaking career and moved his family back to Adelaide, South Australia, choosing long-term balance over non-stop expansion.
- **Peak Speaking Schedule:** 80 keynotes per year, spending over 200 days on the road.
- **Relocation Choice:** Returned to Adelaide, South Australia, turning down suggestions from agents to base himself in larger hubs like Sydney or Melbourne.
[02:13:16](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=7996s) Escaping the Identity Trap and Realigning Goals
Vinh Giang addresses the false narrative he used to tell himself—specifically, the belief that he had to be physically located in Southern California to build his dream business and become the person he wanted to be. Steven Bartlett notes that there is always a voice pushing a high-achiever to go bigger and move to major hubs like New York, and Vinh admits that drive is 100% present. However, he balances it with his father's grounding influence and a deep desire not to repeat his past mistake of being away from his son too much. He realized he needed to "recalibrate" because he found himself constantly achieving the goals set by a *previous* version of himself, only to feel empty and unhappy upon reaching them.
To break this cycle, Vinh regularly takes recalibration trips with his best friend Ali, allowing him to step back, sit still, and align his present actions with who he is today rather than who he used to be.
- **Vinh's Core Realization:** Achieving goals crafted by a past self leads to dissatisfaction if they aren't aligned with your present identity and priorities.
- **Key Practice:** Regular "recalibration trips" with close confidants (like his friend Ali) to evaluate current desires and disconnect from outdated ambitions.
---
[02:14:23](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=8063s) Advice to his Younger Self: Letting Go of Identity
Steven presents Vinh with a photo of his younger self and asks what that boy was like. Visibly moved, Vinh describes the child as "starving for attention," desperate, and intensely lonely after having moved through five different schools during his childhood. When asked what advice he would whisper into that young boy's ear, Vinh states he would tell him not to be so attached to the identity he had constructed. He explains that people often blame others for holding them back, when in reality, they are keeping themselves trapped inside an old identity because it feels safe, familiar, and like home.
Vinh reflects on how his definition of "home" expanded over time as he traveled—from his humble beginnings in Salisbury Downs to Adelaide, South Australia, Australia, America, and eventually the entire world. Home is simply what is familiar, and he was once too afraid to venture out of Salisbury Downs because holding onto a limited version of himself felt safe.
> "Stop being so attached to this identity that you've created... Listen, Vin. It's you. You're the one stopping you from becoming the future version of you. And the simple word would just be... just let go."
- **The Safety of Identity:** We cling to limited identities because familiarity feels safe, even when the current reality is unfulfilling.
- **The Evolution of Home:** Vinh's concept of home expanded sequentially: Salisbury Downs $\rightarrow$ Adelaide $\rightarrow$ South Australia $\rightarrow$ Australia $\rightarrow$ America $\rightarrow$ The World.
---
[02:16:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=8205s) Practicing Vocal Skills on "Neutral Ears"
When asked about the biggest unaddressed question viewers might have, Vinh highlights the practical fear of changing one's communication style around close family or partners: people worry that if they suddenly start using dynamic pitch, vocal range, or bold body language, their partner will react with confusion or judgment. To solve this, Vinh introduces the concept of **"neutral ears"**—strangers or acquaintances who have no prior expectations or preconceived notions of how you sound or act.
He encourages people to test out new vocal volumes, body language, and expressions in low-stakes environments like gas stations or grocery stores. By experimenting on neutral ears, you can try out bigger, bolder behaviors without fear of negative judgment, allowing the new habits to feel normal before bringing them home.
- **Definition of "Neutral Ears":** People who have zero preconceived notions of your personality, voice, or body language.
- **Gas Station Experiment:** Try going to a gas station further from home and using vibrant volume and enthusiasm (e.g., asking cheerfully for peanut chocolates) to practice vocal variety.
- **Partner Priming:** Before introducing new behaviors to a partner or colleague, "prime" them by explaining your goal: *"I've been quiet my whole life and want to give you and the kids more of me. If you see me playing with my volume or melody, please encourage and support me."*
---
[02:19:50](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=8390s) The Final Question: Negotiating Your Own Reality
Continuing *The Diary Of A CEO* tradition, Steven opens the secret diary to read a question left by the previous guest: *"What is one thing that you know to be true, even though you can't prove it?"* Vinh answers without hesitation that in our current world, **you can negotiate whatever reality you desire.** He acknowledges that if he meets a higher power upon dying who tells him this belief was factually incorrect, he would still have no regrets because it served as a deeply useful and empowering mindset throughout his life.
Vinh distinguishes between "useful beliefs" and "useless beliefs," choosing only to carry assumptions that support his ability to create the life he wants. He shares that while he loves teaching communication skills, he genuinely believes that if he ever gets bored of this chapter, he has the power and courage to write a new one—such as becoming a professional chef.
- **Useful vs. Useless Beliefs:** Choose mindsets that empower growth and agency over passive or limiting beliefs.
- **Future Chapter:** Vinh expresses a personal desire to eventually become a chef if he ever decides to move on from teaching communication skills.
---
[02:21:51](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=8511s) "Luminaries" and the Stages of Life
Steven expresses deep gratitude to Vinh for making complex communication skills accessible, emphasizing that thousands of people have altered their career trajectories, promotions, and personal relationships because of his work. Vinh accepts the gratitude and shares the foundational philosophy behind his programs, which are all centered around the word **STAGE**, inspired by Shakespeare's phrase *"All the world's a stage."*
He explains that every person steps onto multiple stages every day—the stage of fatherhood, husband, colleague, or teacher—and how one communicates on those stages determines their impact. Vinh calls his students **"luminaries"** because the word represents both an actor/actress and a source of light. He urges everyone to use their communication skills as an instrument to play "songs of love, kindness, and compassion" wherever they step on stage.
> "When I wake up in the morning, the first stage I step on is the stage of fatherhood. And how I show up on that stage matters. And then the second stage... is the stage of being a husband... Learn how to communicate and play your instrument as a luminary to spread more love, kindness, and compassion."
- **The STAGE Framework:** Recognizing that life consists of distinct roles (parent, spouse, leader, friend) that require intentional presence and vocal expression.
- **Luminary Concept:** Viewing communication as a way to project warmth, clarity, and positive energy to those around you.
- **Closing Promotion:** Steven wraps up the episode by showcasing the *Diary Of A CEO Conversation Cards* (51 questions across three levels: Warm-Up, Open-Up, and Deep) available at `thediary.com`, and reminds listeners that subscribing is a free way to support the show's team and production.
## Notable quotes
> [02:15](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=135s) Honey, most people go through life speaking like this [monotone]. I'm going to teach you how to speak like this [musical]. — Miss Stanley
> [02:15](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=135s) I haven't been thinking about my voice as an instrument. I thought it was a tool. What do you do with a hammer? You use a hammer... What do you do with a piano? You play with it. What do you do with a violin? You play with it. And she started to teach me that I have this instrument that depending on how I play it, it changes and shifts how others feel. — Vinh Giang
> [15:48](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=948s) Don't be so attached to who you are in the present. You don't give the future version of you a chance. — Vinh Giang
> [20:17](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=1217s) When people see you and you reveal your visual image, they make assumptions about you pretty quickly... And then all of a sudden, when you open your mouth and you speak, they now turn these assumptions into beliefs. — Vinh Giang
> [41:51](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=2511s) Would you be impressed if I transform this king of hearts into the queen of hearts like yourself? — Vinh Giang
> [41:51](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=2511s) I'd be more impressed if you transformed into a real man and had a conversation with me. — Vivian
> [48:22](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=2902s) Whatever emotion comes before the pause, once you pause, it intensifies that emotion. If you've got the feeling of anger and you pause, oh, that is a pause of anger. But if all of a sudden I'm sad, and then I pause, you prolong the sadness. — Vinh Giang
> [50:20](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3020s) That means you do great work, but why not speak for your work, too? — Vinh Giang
> [57:23](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3443s) We're not lagging. We're just pausing. — Vinh Giang
> [01:19:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=4748s) Because when I speak like that, it creates the wrong perception in people's minds and then they now look down on me as a result of that. — Vinh Giang
> [01:21:07](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=4867s) Be so good they can't ignore you. — Steve Martin
> [01:42:09](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=6129s) Hey, to everyone in the team, I want to share my idea. If you give me 5 minutes, at the end of it I would love to ask for your input. But I'd love to share my idea completely and wholly. Is that okay? — Vinh Giang
> [01:55:42](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=6942s) I feel like I've just found this cheat code in life where I keep my energy when I need it... Like a currency. — Vinh Giang
> [02:04:48](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=7488s) A king that knows the limits to his desires will rule a lifetime. — Vinh Giang's father
> [02:14:23](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=8063s) Stop being so attached to this identity that you've created... Listen, Vin. It's you. You're the one stopping you from becoming the future version of you. And the simple word would just be... just let go. — Vinh Giang
> [03:41:51](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=13311s) When I wake up in the morning, the first stage I step on is the stage of fatherhood. And how I show up on that stage matters. And then the second stage... is the stage of being a husband... Learn how to communicate and play your instrument as a luminary to spread more love, kindness, and compassion. — Vinh Giang
## Mentioned
Vinh Giang, Steven Bartlett, The Diary Of A CEO, Miss Stanley, Tim Ferriss, James Clear, Atomic Habits, Mariage d'Amour, The Dark Knight, Taken, Liam Neeson, Rocky Balboa, When Harry Met Sally, Gladiator, Distill, Tanzir, Rachel, Vivian, Shopify, PerfectTed, WHOOP, ChatGPT, Google, Zoom, GoPro, Wim Hof, Mark Bowden, Virginia Satir, Jimmy Donaldson (MrBeast), Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development (CIPD), Steve Martin, Brené Brown, Theodore Roosevelt, Dragons' Den, Tali Sharot, Blank Street Coffee, Joe & the Juice, University of Oxford, Harvard Business Review, Vanessa Van Edwards, Barry White, Ali Torabi, Future Golf, Xander, Nang Mai, Diary Of A CEO Conversation Cards, William Shakespeare
Communication expert Vinh Giang argues that confidence and vocal effectiveness are not innate personality traits, but learned physical habits that can be systematically trained within three to six months. By treating the voice and body as an instrument, individuals can replace habitual speaking patterns with dynamic range, structured narratives, and deliberate physical cues to alter how they are perceived.
The Motor Mechanics of Vocal Delivery (15:48)
According to Giang, the idea of an unchangeable "natural voice" is a misconception. Speech pathologists note that natural, strain-free vocal production is typically lost around age three, after which children internalize habits by imitating the motor patterns of parents and caregivers. An adult voice is therefore an automated sequence of learned physical behaviors controlling breath support, lip shaping, tongue placement, and cord tension. Giang highlights three mechanical pillars that govern listener perception: volume, vocal melody, and physical gestures.
Giang stresses that vocal melody carries visceral emotional cues independent of words, drawing a parallel to how distinct piano tracks evoke sadness, motivation, or fear without lyrics. Because speakers commonly default to a narrow, monotonous vocal range, Giang recommends stretching the vocal apparatus using drills like the "siren technique"—sliding the voice dynamically between low chest tones and falsetto—and performing lip trills to warm up the articulators before speaking.
Addressing Vocal Pitfalls Through Diagnostic Audits (50:20)
Giang identifies predictable cadence—specifically the "sing-song" pattern frequently heard in sales pitches—as a primary vocal flaw that signals inauthenticity and prompts listeners to tune out. Similarly, heavy use of clutter words like "um" and "like" dilutes clarity. Rather than filling conversational gaps with vocalized sound, Giang advises practicing deliberate silence, arguing that pauses project authority and control rather than cognitive lagging.
To diagnose blind spots, Giang outlines a three-step "Record and Review" audit adapted from his background in performance magic. A speaker records a five-minute impromptu video, waits 24 hours to gain emotional distance, and reviews the clip in three separate passes: audio-only to assess pacing, tonality, and pauses; video-only on mute to detect non-verbal ticks like fidgeting or pacing; and combined playback. Giang points out that initial discomfort with one's voice is universal and explained by bone conduction: people hear themselves richer and deeper through bone and muscle tissue than through the air transmission captured on recordings.
Narrative Immersion and Small-Talk Frameworks (43:45)
Effective storytelling requires transitioning from detached "reporting" to immersive "reliving." Giang structures compelling communication around the VAKS sensory framework (Visual, Auditory, Kinesthetic, and Smell or Taste details) nested within a four-part arc: the hook, the struggle, the breakthrough, and the practical application. He cautions that neglecting the final application step leaves an audience without an actionable takeaway, reducing the value of the message.
To navigate casual networking—citing Oxford data indicating that 55% of relationships form through casual interactions—Giang offers structured conversational models. The "High, Low, Buffalo" icebreaker prompts each participant to share a recent positive event, an ongoing struggle, and a quirky personal fact, instantly placing six conversational threads on the table. For impromptu discussions, his "3-2-1 Framework" mentally organizes responses around three steps, two types, or one primary concept, keeping answers punchy and structured.
Physical Command, Meeting Dynamics, and Proxemics (76:43)
Giang asserts that vocal delivery is inseparable from physical posture; a monotone voice invariably reflects a rigid, monotone body. In workplace meetings, frequent interruptions rarely stem from ill intent, but rather from weak vocal volume and collapsed posture signaling that the speaker has surrendered the floor. To establish command without aggression, he recommends standing up during key remarks to claim physical presence and priming colleagues by requesting a specific five-minute window before taking feedback.
In virtual settings like Zoom, speakers must consciously over-project their energy to bridge the digital divide created by webcams. Applying the principles of proxemics, Giang advises positioning the camera to capture the full torso rather than a tight headshot. Close crops push speakers into an unnatural "intimate space" that creates subconscious discomfort for viewers, whereas a wider frame simulates comfortable social distance and provides room for natural hand gestures.
Giang frames communication mastery as an ongoing discipline governed by kaizen—relentless, incremental improvement targeting one vocal or physical metric per week. However, he notes an unresolved challenge for learners: while these deliberate techniques reshape professional presence, introducing dramatically altered vocal mechanics into established personal relationships can initially trigger resistance and accusations of inauthenticity from partners who lack context.
## Background
本期节目由 YouTube 频道《The Diary Of A CEO》（主持人 Steven Bartlett）于 2025 年 3 月 10 日发布。视频简介指出，自信表达并非先天禀赋，而是一门可以通过后天习得的硬技能，知名沟通专家 Vinh Giang 在访谈中系统揭示了精通沟通艺术的完整实操蓝图。
## TL;DR
Vinh Giang 提出声音本质上是需要演奏的乐器而非单纯工具，大众常因沟通能力与专业能力的感知落差而被严重低估。他系统传授了通过扩展音高旋律、掌控语速与停顿、运用力量球手势与萨提亚姿态来重塑个人声场的整套方法，并给出了 VAKS 叙事公式、应对打断与挑衅的即兴技巧以及录音复盘三步法。对话进一步延伸至内心深处的身份认同突破，结合帮助自闭症儿子登台、父母散尽家财修行等震撼经历，阐明了知晓欲望边界、通过主动沟通协商出理想现实的人生哲学。
## Atmosphere & style
整场对话犹如一场兼具视听冲击力的沉浸式大师课与触及心灵的私密长谈，Vinh Giang 随时通过即兴变调、琴键比喻和现场肢体示范带动气氛，展现出极强的戏剧感染力与控场感。主持人与嘉宾在深度互动中碰撞出高密度的思维火花，情绪曲线从职场博弈的幽默机锋逐渐过渡到谈及童年创伤、自闭症爱子与父母剃度时的极致脆弱，让观众在收获硬核表达技能的同时感受到强烈的生命温情与心智觉醒。
## Bulletin
- [04:01](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=241s) 感知落差定律指出，即使专业技术达到满分 10 分，若沟通表达仅有 3 分，外界对你能力的综合感知也只会停留在 3 分，沟通是将才华转化为认可的关键筹码。
- [18:18](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=1098s) 颠覆他人对自身认知的核心生理杠杆在于调大音量、扩展音高旋律（Pitch Variety）以及将手势收束在肚脐到眼睛之间的“力量球”区域，刻意练习 3 至 6 个月即可重塑气场。
- [01:19:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=4748s) 职场中 76% 的雇主承认存在口音偏见，但沟通核心在于咬字清晰度而非消除母语口音；面对打断可通过开会站立发言与前置规则设定掌握对话主动权。
- [01:27:13](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=5233s) 面对冲突挑衅时，践行即兴戏剧法则“是的，而且……”（Yes, and）能有效化解对抗并抽走对方攻击支点，而争论词“是的，但是……”会触发大脑神经断电防御。
## Key takeaways
- [02:04](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=124s) 声音本质是需要演奏的乐器而非单调传递信息的工具，机械平直的发声会诱发听众听觉疲劳，而音调的起伏与旋律能直接操控情绪共鸣。
- [04:01](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=241s) 职场“Brad 现象”表明专业技术过硬者常因缺乏可见度被抢走机会，“让成果自己说话”是危险的被动思维，主动替成果代言是职场人的核心责任。
- [12:48](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=768s) 成年人当前的声音并非不可更改的天然本质，而是童年习得并固化的潜意识肌肉记忆，通过警报器技巧等音域训练可重新激活被锁死的生理潜能。
- [18:18](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=1098s) 练习新沟通模式时感到的“虚假感”，本质上只是大脑神经对未知行为的不熟悉，敢于打破固有身份认同才能解锁未来的成长上限。
- [28:04](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=1684s) 语速是量化为 0 到 10 度的听觉荧光笔，放慢语速能划出重点并展现如捕食者般的掌控力，而紧张本能导致的快速飙车只会给听众施加压迫感。
- [48:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=2880s) 停顿是力量强大的情绪放大器与留白工具，在察觉到想发出 um 等无意义填充词的瞬间立刻闭嘴留白，不仅不会冷场反而更能突显话语权威。
- [36:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=2205s) 面部神情是声音情感的遥控器，肌肉僵死会导致声音缺乏波澜；缓慢深层的点头与眼神锁定能激活镜像神经元，建立起深度同理心与信任。
- [43:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=2625s) 优秀叙事拒绝像新闻简报般机械罗列事实，而需运用 VAKS 感官模型（视觉、听觉、动觉、嗅觉）带领听众重温现场体验，并遵循抓手、挣扎、突破、应用的结构。
- [52:48](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3168s) 录制复盘三步法：即兴站姿录像 5 分钟并强制冷却 24 小时脱敏，随后依次进行纯听觉盲听、静音动作观察与逐字稿杂词红笔标记，每周践行 Kaizen 微精进。
- [01:03:22](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3802s) 登台前通过 Wim Hof 呼吸法深层放松，结合俯卧撑代谢多余肾上腺素，并将注意力从“自我挑剔（self-conscious）”切换为“全心服务听众（audience-conscious）”。
- [01:07:32](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=4052s) 手势与发声存在深层生理联动：掌心向下的萨提亚平抑型手势能自然引导声调降低、音量扎实，手势保持在肚脐至眼部的“力量球”区域可显著建立领袖气场。
- [01:13:24](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=4404s) 线上视频会议应拉开镜头距离展示上半身以退回社交安全空间，搭配三点布光与专业麦克风，以“精力的慷慨”主动注入充沛的互动能量。
- [01:32:50](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=5570s) 破冰与深度对话可运用“高低水牛”（High Low Buffalo）框架交流好事、抗争与趣事，或通过 FORD 模型（家庭、职业、爱好、梦想）展现脆弱并击碎人际隔阂。
- [01:55:10](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=6910s) 依赖外部道具或特定环境建立的“情境自信”极其脆弱，只有通过刻意练习沉淀于内在的声音与沟通技能，才是任何场景下均无法被剥夺的底层实力。
- [02:11:27](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=7887s) 深知欲望边界的君王方能统治一生，野心追逐必须与生命意义重新校准，沟通的终极价值在于做照亮他人的灯塔，向世界协商并传递善意与爱。
## Detailed walkthrough
### [00:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=0s) 声音的魔力与沟通的改变力量
Vinh Giang 强调，任何人都有能力在人生的各个领域建立自信，这并不取决于先天禀赋，而是在于学习一套全新的行为模式。例如，通过“警报器技巧”（siren technique）等练习可以扩展音域，而在表达时运用音量控制也极为关键：单纯拔高音量会让人显得盛气凌人、充满攻击性；相反，在需要强调某些要点时，适当地压低声音反而更具力量。唤醒人们对自身声音潜力的认知，是掌握人际影响力的开端。
作为一名屡获殊荣的演讲家和沟通专家，Vinh Giang 观察到大量人群正因沟通不畅而饱受困扰。人们常陷入“内向是否意味着注定失败”、“如何提升自信”、“如何即兴发言”的焦虑中，并误以为这些弱点无法被打破。Vinh 以亲身经历证明，他曾经也是一个笨拙、无法融入集体的边缘孩子，但通过学习一套行为方式，任何人都可以在三到六个月内实现蜕变。核心框架包括用于自我矫正的“录音与复盘”（record and review）三步法、打破冷场的“High-Low Buffalo”破冰游戏、提升气场的手势语言以及建立深度连接的沟通模型。
- **声音工具的核心价值**：声音不仅用于传递字面信息，其音量、音调与节奏能够直接左右听众的潜意识反应与情绪感受。
- **沟通改变的周期**：通过刻意练习特定的沟通行为与肢体动作，普通人在 3 至 6 个月内便能看到表达习惯与气场的显著改变。
---
### [01:32](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=92s) 主持人致辞：听众互动与订阅承诺
在正式对谈展开前，主持人 Steven Bartlett 与观众分享了一个令他惊讶的数据：在长期收听节目的固定听众中，仍有高达 53% 的人尚未点击订阅。他借此向受众发起倡议，希望喜爱节目内容的观众能够通过点击订阅这一免费且简单的方式予以支持。作为对等承诺，团队将全力以赴倾听反馈、邀请观众期待的重磅嘉宾，并持续提升每一期节目的交付质量。
---
### [02:04](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=124s) 声音是乐器而非工具：Stanley 夫人的启蒙课
当被问及自身事业的核心本质与初衷时，Vinh Giang 给出了精辟的总结：他致力于让人们意识到，自己身上拥有一件世界上最美妙的“乐器”，学会演奏它可以帮助人们在现实世界中争取并协商出自己渴望的任何结果。这套哲学的源头，来自于他在南澳大利亚一处简陋的音乐角落遇到的首位声乐老师——Stanley 夫人。
初次见面时，这位老妇人神情严肃，仅说了一句“坐下，年轻人”，随后便在钢琴上单调重复地敲击同一个琴键整整两分钟，气氛尴尬诡异如恐怖电影。停手后她发问：“你现在感觉如何？”Vinh 答道除了古怪和尴尬外毫无感觉。Stanley 夫人应道：“很好。”紧接着，她转过身流畅弹奏起保罗·德·塞内维尔的名作《梦中的婚礼》（Mariage d'Amour）。两分钟的乐曲倾泻而出，老太太再次询问他的感受。此时的 Vinh 感慨万千，直言听到了爱、渴望、浪漫与悸动。这时，老太太讲出了让 Vinh 终生难忘的一席话：“亲爱的，世上绝大多数人一辈子都在像第一个键那样说话。而我要教你的，是像第二首曲子那样去发声。”
这番演示成为了 Vinh 心中无可比拟的顶级说服范例。它彻底颠覆了 Vinh 对发声的认知：人们往往误把声音当作“工具”（tool），就如锤子用来敲钉、螺丝刀用来拧螺丝；但声音本质上是“乐器”（instrument），就像钢琴与小提琴需要被演奏。演奏方式的不同，会即刻改变听众内心的感受与现实反馈。
```mermaid
flowchart TD
accTitle: 声音认知的转变路径
accDescr: 展示从工具思维向乐器思维的转变及其对沟通结果的影响
subgraph ToolMindset["工具思维（传统视角）"]
A["单调重复敲击单一琴键"] --> B["枯燥乏味、令人尴尬"]
B --> C["被动传递字面信息"]
end
subgraph InstrumentMindset["乐器思维（艺术视角）"]
D["演奏《梦中的婚礼》旋律"] --> E["唤起爱、浪漫、兴奋等情绪"]
E --> F["重塑听众感知并协商现实"]
end
ToolMindset -.->|"认知觉醒：Stanley夫人的启示"| InstrumentMindset
```
---
### [04:01](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=241s) 现实皆可协商：技术与沟通的双轮驱动
受提姆·费里斯（Tim Ferriss）“现实皆可协商”（Reality is negotiable）理念的启发，Vinh Giang 指出，人类用来与现实讨价还价、争取理想结果的核心筹码正是沟通能力。童年时代的 Vinh 处于完全被忽视的状态——既不帅气、也不幽默，缺乏所谓的领袖魅力。正是通过攻克沟通这一技能，他才得以扭转人生轨迹。如今的他将自己的角色比作一名“钢琴调音师”，帮助他人修整发声、学会弹奏。
在寻找人生价值的过程中，Vinh 曾早早发现了自己在魔术上的天赋。深受亚洲传统家庭观念影响的他，本被父母寄予厚望成为医生或会计师；当他选择魔术后，便盲目相信了大学会计专业灌输的教条：只要技术足够过硬，就能赢得合伙人头衔、宝马车与成功。于是他在卧室内对着镜子进行了成千上万小时的魔术技巧特训，现实中却毫无起色。他意识到自己忽略了决定成败的催化剂——魔术界称之为“舞台表现力”（showmanship），而这本质上就是沟通技巧。正如他与主持人共同推崇的魔术大师达伦·布朗（Derren Brown）一样，顶尖的高手无一不是将无懈可击的技术技巧与出神入化的沟通表演融为一体。
- **感知落差定律**：若一个人专业技术达到满分 10 分，但沟通技能只有 3 分，大众对其能力的最终感知往往只会停留在 3 分，而非 10 分。
- **好创意的埋没**：在商业路演中，大量卓越的项目因为创始人无法清晰、传神地表达其价值，从而彻底滑出投资人的视野。
- **技术与沟通并重**：优秀的沟通不能掩盖基本功的匮乏（如魔术手法不过关），但光有技术却无法被看见，同样是巨大的悲剧。
---
### [06:48](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=408s) 职场中“Brad 现象”与被看见的责任
Vinh 深入剖析了职场中普遍存在的晋升困境：那些技术过硬、默默在后台付出的骨干，常常眼睁睁看着各方面业务能力不如自己的同事（比如典型的“Brad”）抢走升职加薪的机会。人们往往暗自愤懑，抱怨对方并不聪明，但现实的残酷逻辑在于：Brad 更擅长表达，在组织环境中拥有更高的能见度。
Vinh 强调，如果你无法用清晰简练的语言表达自身价值，不能苛求他人有义务去主动发掘你内在的才华；“学会让自己的光芒耀眼绽放，完全是你自己的责任”。这一领悟来自于他充满挫折的成长经历。英语其实是 Vinh 的第三语言：
1. **第一语言（潮州话/Teochew）**：幼年与母亲、祖母交流的中国方言，若学不好会招致长辈斥责；
2. **第二语言（越南语）**：家庭文化中必须熟练掌握的母语；
3. **第三语言（英语）**：进入学校后才被迫接触的语言。
初入校园时，语言的鸿沟让他彻底沦为“隐形人”，无法与同龄人交流。由于沟通成本过高，孩子们迅速从冷落演变为霸凌。而在当时，由于听不懂周围人的嘲弄与攻击词汇，幼小的 Vinh 甚至完全没有意识到自己正在经历校园霸凌。
### [08:20](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=500s) 童年阴影、口音耻感与隐形人的痛苦
Vinh Giang 敞开心扉，分享了自己童年时期令人心酸的经历。在五岁、六岁和七岁那些稚嫩的年岁里，由于语言不通，他完全听不懂周围的人在说什么，只能勉强去揣摩他人的神情与肢体意图。因为承受不了被孤立、被所有人注视的羞耻感，他童年的大部分课间时光都是在厕所隔间里度过的——只要能找到一个没人能看见的隐蔽角落，他就把自己藏起来。
随着时间推移，他开始逐渐学会英语，然而新的噩梦接踵而至。因为带有浓重的口音，同龄的孩子们开始戏谑地嘲笑他，给他起了一个极具歧视性的外号：“FOB”（Fresh Off the Boat，刚下船的新移民）。耳边充斥着“看那个 FOB，他太土了”的嘲笑声，以至于他虽然掌握了这门语言，却吓得根本不敢开口说话，生怕一张嘴就暴露自己的“移民口音”。这种刻骨铭心的经历让他深切体会到了在社交中“被当成隐形人”、被彻底漠视是多么痛苦无助的感受。
### [09:06](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=546s) 改变沟通能力的周期与重塑身份认同
面对主持人关于“一个人需要多长时间才能彻底改变沟通能力”的提问，Vinh Giang 给出了一个令人振奋的答案：**3 到 6 个月**。前提是这个人拥有足够强烈的欲望与动机。他见证过无数学生在这个时间窗口内实现脱胎换骨的蜕变。但这背后的机制并非仅仅去硬性练习某种新习惯，而是如同畅销书《原子习惯》（Atomic Habits）作者 James Clear 所倡导的哲学——必须建立全新的“身份认同”（Identity）。
```mermaid
flowchart TD
accTitle: Identity Shift in Communication
accDescr: The cycle of identity adoption, in-person breakthrough, environmental pushback, and regression.
subgraph BreakThrough["突破与重塑阶段"]
A["打破固有认知<br/>进入无预设环境"] --> B["找回内在孩童<br/>尽情尝试声音游戏"]
B --> C["获得即时正向反馈<br/>建立全新身份认同"]
end
subgraph PushBack["现实阻力阶段"]
C --> D["返回原有生活环境"]
D --> E["伴侣/熟人产生排斥<br/>'这太假了/不像你'"]
E --> F["心理防线崩塌<br/>退回原始舒适区"]
end
```
在面对面的线下集训营中，Vinh 会在一开场就分享自己当年的童年创伤，然后对全场学员发起号召：“想象一下，你们现在走进了一所全新的学校。在座的没有任何一个人对你带有预设标签。打破你的固有模板，彻底砸碎它！”在这样的安全场域下，成年人们开始卸下伪装，做出平日里绝不会做的举动：放肆玩弄声调、肆无忌惮地扮傻、重新拥抱内心那个爱玩的小孩。当他们从周围素昧平生的陌生人身上收获到惊叹与掌声时，他们会不可自拔地爱上这个崭新的自己，并在那一瞬间立下彻底改变的誓言。
然而，这也伴随着绝大多数人都会踩中的致命陷阱：当学员带着全新的自信回到家中，满心欢喜地对伴侣展示新练就的磁性嗓音或高昂语调时，毫无心理准备的伴侣往往会当头泼下一盆冷水：“天哪，你声音怎么变成这样了？你是在跟 Vinh 学的吗？太恶心了，假得要命，根本不是你！”这种来自亲密关系的否定会瞬间击碎脆弱的新习惯，迫使他们迅速缩回过去的躯壳之中。
### [10:46](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=646s) 沟通升级带来的涟漪效应：亲子关系与即兴智慧
沟通能力的提升绝不仅限于职场升职加薪或商务谈判，它对私人生活的重塑同样深远，尤其是在为人父母的场景中。作为一名父亲，Vinh Giang 经常教授一套名为“声音基石”（Vocal Foundations）的核心发声体系（包含五大基石）。许多为人父母的学员课后发来反馈，激动地表示自己回家给孩子读睡前故事时，孩子们给出的狂热反应是前所未有的。
当父母用平板干瘪、枯燥无味的语调念书时，孩子会直接抗议：“爸爸，别这么念！换那个好玩的念法！”孩子本能渴望的是丰富的语调起伏（Vocal Variety）以及那份愿意陪他们一起胡闹的童真与玩心（Playfulness）。Vinh 认为，“愿意且能够保持玩心”是他个人最强大的超能力之一。
这种能力本质上就是“即兴表演”（Improv）的艺术：
- **日常对话的本质就是即兴**：对话不是照本宣科，就像此时此刻的播客录制，双方都不知道对方下一句话会说什么，完全依赖现场的即兴接招与碰撞。
- **与孩子互动的即兴延伸**：当孩子天马行空地说“这头奶牛现在变成了宇航员”，平庸的父母只会敷衍说“真棒，宝贝”；而擅长即兴沟通的父母会瞬间接梗：“没错，而且它现在正在月球上大战僵尸，你之前根本不知道吧！”这种极具代入感的互动，就是沟通力在生活中的极致展现。
### [12:48](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=768s) 破除心理枷锁：根本不存在所谓的“天生嗓音”
迄今为止，Vinh Giang 已经在线上线下培训了超过 70,000 名学员，全网坐拥数以百万计的追随者。在他每天收到的堆积如山的私信中，最普遍的问题莫过于：“我真的能改变自己的说话声音吗？”因为现实中几乎每个人都极度讨厌自己录音里的声音——主持人 Steven Bartlett 也深有同感地回忆起自己小时候第一次用磁带录音机听到自己声音时的抓狂反应：“天呐，那鬼动静到底是谁？！”
绝大多数人一辈子都在折腾外貌：换发型、换衣服、换眼镜框架，却唯独任由自己的声音和沟通模式几十年如一日地固化不变。束缚发声的根本原因不是生理构造，而是沉重的心理阻碍（Psychological Blocks）：
- **“虚假与不自然”的认知误区**：在 Vinh 最初跟随声乐老师学习时，老师让他尝试极高亢的假音（Falsetto）或极低沉的胸腔共鸣，他整张脸都会涨得通红，内心疯狂抗拒：“这感觉太怪了，太假了，根本不是我。”这也是所有初学者的典型借口。
- **钢琴琴键隐喻**：他的声乐老师当时给出了醍醐灌顶的反驳：“如果你能发出那个声音，就像按下钢琴上的一颗琴键一样，它怎么可能是假的？能发出这个声音，证明它属于你的生理乐器。你只是在这个琴键前感到陌生罢了——你一辈子都只习惯敲击中间那两颗琴键，一旦按到其他琴键，你就惊呼这不是真实的你。”
- **天然嗓音的迷思**：许多人抗拒改变是认为自己拥有某种“天然的本音”（Natural Voice）。然而语言病理学（Speech Pathology）早已证实：**成年人目前的声音根本不是天然声音，我们在两到三岁时就已经丧失了本能的声音通道。**
为了证明这一点，Vinh 给出了一个极具说服力的生理对比：如果让一个成年人扯着嗓子用最大音量尖叫 10 分钟，声带立刻就会充血嘶哑甚至失声；但他自己 12 个月大的女儿可以毫无顾忌地连续嚎哭嘶吼 3 个小时，嗓子却依然毫发无损。这表明婴儿天然拥有对自己身体“乐器”的完美调动能力，而成年人在成长社会化的过程中，却逐渐遗忘并锁死了这些潜能。
### [16:31](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=991s) 声音是后天习得的习惯：从模仿到潜意识自动化
我们今天说话的声音与习惯并非命中注定，而是源于童年时期的模仿。小孩子在成长过程中会受身边人的启发，进而去摹仿对方的一举一动。因此，一个人的发声方式本质上只是一套习得的行为模式——它是声带的震动、气息在体内的流动、嘴唇的形状、牙齿的咬合、舌头的摆放以及软腭的运动共同作用的结果。许多人害怕改变发声方式，担心突然转变会被周围人视为“做作”或“怪异”，如果今晚回家毫无铺垫地用一套全新腔调跟伴侣说话，对方肯定会吓一跳并质问：“你怎么了？为什么学 Vinh 那套？变得这么假？”正因如此，人们往往觉得自己被原有的发声模式彻底困住了。
Vinh 分享了他的一位学员 Tanzir 的经历。Tanzir 是个温和谦逊的人，平时说话声音极其轻柔纤细。追根溯源才发现，Tanzir 小时候极其崇拜父亲，下意识地模仿父亲说话的每一个细微动作。刚开始模仿时，大脑需要进行大量意识层面的控制；然而在持续重复一两年后，这些行为彻底被内化，从显意识沉淀到了潜意识当中。一旦进入潜意识，说话方式就变得像呼吸一样自动发生，以至于 Tanzir 坚信“这本来就是我”。Vinh 提醒大家：“不要过度执着于现在的自己，以至于不给未来的自己一个机会”（"Don't be so attached to who you are in the present. You don't give the future version of you a chance."）。所谓的“真我”，很多时候仅仅是一套被千锤百炼形成肌肉记忆的行为。
```mermaid
flowchart TD
accTitle: 声音习惯形成与重塑路径
accDescr: 描述儿童期模仿行为如何从显意识沉淀为潜意识习惯，以及如何通过重构行为打破限制。
subgraph Formation["习惯固化过程"]
A["童年受启发与榜样模仿"] --> B["显意识控制发声细节<br/>（气息、舌位、唇形）"]
B --> C["常年重复形成肌肉记忆"]
C --> D["沉淀至潜意识<br/>（自动化反应，错当成天生性格）"]
end
subgraph Transformation["行为重塑突破"]
D --> E["重构核心三要素<br/>（音量、旋律、肢体手势）"]
E --> F["打破固有身份认同<br/>（接纳新行为的不熟悉感）"]
end
```
### [18:18](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=1098s) 改变他人认知的三个关键：打破“内向”与“虚假感”的枷锁
要颠覆外界对自己的既有认知，其实只需要调整三件事：更大的音量（Volume）、更丰富的旋律（Melody），以及幅度更大的手势（Hand Gestures）。这三点微调能够迅速重塑你在他人眼中的形象。Vinh 举了另一位女学员 Rachel 的例子：Rachel 长期觉得自己缺乏高管气场（Executive Presence），并将自己归类为“天生害羞内向”。Vinh 为她剖析道，她之所以擅长“害羞”，仅仅是因为她过去的二十五年里每天都在练习害羞的行为模式，自然无比熟练。获得自信并非换一个人，而是去学习一套全新的肢体和声音行为。
当 Rachel 尝试放大肢体手势、提高音量并在语音中注入旋律起伏时，内心立刻产生了强烈的抵触感，觉得这“很假、很别扭、不像自己”。Vinh 立即纠正了这种心态：那不是虚假（Fake），纯粹只是“不熟悉”（Unfamiliar）。一旦在心理上完成这个重置，人就会愿意继续探索这些新习惯；反之，若任由“虚假感”占据大脑，便会退缩回过去的舒适圈。这同时牵扯出大众在沟通中最常遇到的几大困惑：
- 如何在无准备的情况下游刃有余地即兴发言（Impromptu speaking）？
- 身为内向者，在职场和社交中是否注定处于劣势？
- 为什么生活中总是难以与人建立深层连结，永远卡在“嗨，最近怎么样？挺好的，你呢？我也很好，祝你一天愉快”这种流于表面的寒暄（Small talk）中？
### [20:29](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=1229s) 视觉形象与声音形象：如何将假设转化为真实信念
大众普遍在“视觉形象”（Visual Image）上倾注了大量心血，诸如穿衣打扮、体态站姿、面部表情等，却极少有人系统地打磨自己的“声音形象”（Vocal Image）。然而，两者在社交认知中扮演的角色截然不同：
```mermaid
flowchart LR
accTitle: 视觉形象与声音形象对他人心理的转化过程
accDescr: 视觉形象为他人建立初步假设，声音形象将其最终坐实为不可动摇的信念。
A["视觉形象<br/>（穿着、站姿、仪态）"] -->|"形成初步推测"| B["心理假设<br/>（友善？自信？强势？）"]
B --> C["开口说话<br/>（声音形象切入）"]
C -->|"坐实或推翻"| D["确立坚定信念<br/>（确实自信 / 徒有其表）"]
```
当某人出现在视野中时，视觉形象会让观察者产生一系列快速的“预设与假设”（Assumptions）——挺拔的站姿与微笑会让人猜测“他可能很自信、很友善”。但关键在于，一旦对方张嘴发声，声音形象便会瞬间将这些模糊的假设敲定为坚不可摧的“信念”（Beliefs）。如果说话声音坚定洪亮、语调富有共情力，人们会确信“他确实自信且富有亲和力”；相反，如果一开口语气油滑、傲慢或萎靡，之前的良好印象就会崩塌，让人心中暗骂对方是个差劲的家伙。人们往往误以为发声特质无法改变，因而忽视了声音形象对个人说服力和影响力的决定性作用。
### [21:41](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=1301s) 声音中的旋律：没有词语也能唤起的情绪密码
谈及声音的核心要素，Vinh 将“旋律”（Melody）定义为音高的多样性与起伏（Pitch Variety）。每个人的声音底层都流淌着一段旋律。为了直观展现旋律如何操纵情绪，Vinh 在现场做了一个实验，连续播放了三段没有一句歌词的纯钢琴配乐，让 Steven 和听众感受脑海中浮现的意象：
1. **第一段旋律（低沉忧郁）**：Steven 脑海中立刻浮现出“悲伤”（Sadness），听众也极易联想到阴郁（Somber）与怀旧（Nostalgic）。
2. **第二段旋律（激昂明快）**：唤起的是“鼓舞人心”（Inspirational）和“充满干劲”（Motivational），让人联想到迎着朝阳奔跑的画面，甚至带有一点热血商业广告的既视感。
3. **第三段旋律（不和谐低音与悬疑颤音）**：氛围瞬间骤变，Steven 直言这仿佛是“恐怖电影里即将大难临头”，脑中生动地勾勒出深夜站在楼梯口拐角处、留着黑色长发的三岁小女孩的惊悚画面。
这个测试证明，没有任何语言介入，单凭音符的高低跨度与旋律走势，就能在听众脑中绘制出具体而生动的情感画卷。我们日常说话的声音同样具备这种旋律场——某些人一走进房间开口说话，周围的气场仿佛瞬间被抽干，让人感到压抑沉重；而另一些人开口，却能如沐春风般点亮整个空间。即使普通人的发声器官不像钢琴那样拥有完整的88个琴键，但只要懂得将嗓音当成乐器来驾驭，同样能利用有限的音域创造出层次丰富的情绪共鸣。
### [24:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=1448s) 警笛练习法与小丑台词测试
为了帮助大家拓宽音域、打破单调平板的说话腔调，Vinh 提出了一项非常经典的日常发声训练——“警笛练习法”（Siren Technique）。这项技巧要求发声者像警笛鸣响一样，声音由极低的低音平滑爬升至极高的高音，随后再平稳滑落回低音区，以此拉伸声带的弹性与动态范围。
为了检验日常基线与后续训练的对比，Vinh 拿出一张台词提示卡递给 Steven。卡片上印着一段极具戏剧张力的经典电影独白——《蝙蝠侠：黑暗骑士》中希斯·莱杰（Heath Ledger）饰演的小丑（Joker）关于面部伤疤由来的自白。在正式介入技巧训练之前，Vinh 让 Steven 先以自己最自然的语调将这段台词朗读出来：
> "想知道我脸上的伤疤是怎么来的吗？我父亲是个酒鬼，还是个人渣。有一天晚上，他比平时疯得更厉害。妈妈抓起厨房的菜刀自卫，他可一点都不喜欢那样，一点都不。于是，当着我的面，他夺过刀刺向她，一边刺还一边大笑。然后他转过身看着我，说道：'干嘛这么严肃呢，儿子？'（Why so serious, son?）接着，他拿着刀朝我走了过来……"
### [24:56](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=1496s) 用“警报器技巧”唤醒声音的音域与旋律感
在念完《蝙蝠侠：黑暗骑士》（The Dark Knight）中希斯·莱杰（Heath Ledger）饰演的小丑经典台词——“Why so serious?”（何必这么认真？）之后，主持人 Steven Bartlett 展现了他一贯自然但略显平稳的中性嗓音。Vinh Giang 指出，大部分人日常说话都把自己锁死在一种固定的模式里，而人声其实是一件极具弹性的“乐器”。为了打破这种机械感，Vinh 引入了名为“警报器技巧”（The Siren Technique）的声乐练习：说话者需要在句子内部让声调剧烈起伏，从极低的胸腔低音渐变滑向假声（falsetto），像警报器一样在同一个句子内上下穿梭。
```mermaid
flowchart LR
accTitle: 警报器发声练习机制
accDescr: 展示从平淡的中性嗓音通过警报器练习拓展到广阔音域的训练路径。
subgraph S1["默认声线状态"]
A["中性默认音调<br/>（平淡无起伏）"]
end
subgraph S2["警报器发声训练"]
B["极低胸腔音"] --> C["句内起伏拉扯"]
C --> D["极高假声"]
end
subgraph S3["最终呈现效果"]
E["丰富旋律感<br/>（音域拓展 / 记忆点深刻）"]
end
A --> S2
S2 --> E
```
Steven 随后在指导下尝试重读台词，将声音强行在极高与极低之间拉扯切换：“Want to know how I got these scars?... My father was a drinker...”。尽管做完练习后 Steven 坦言感觉“极其怪异且别扭”，甚至有些声带发酸，但 Vinh 解释说，这种练习的目的绝不是要让他在播客采访中像个疯子一样讲话，而是为了打破认知天花板，让人意识到自己的发声器官蕴藏着多么广阔的潜能。Vinh 分享道，自己在人生的前段岁月里说话完全没有旋律感，如今能随时自如切换，是他刻意练习了整整 25 年的成果。
- **多声音混杂实验**：科学研究表明，当五到六个人同时讲话时，听众大脑唯一能辨别并记住的声音，永远是那个嗓音中旋律起伏（Melody）最丰富的人；若是所有人都用单一语调说话，听众的大脑会瞬间将其归为噪音而无法区分。
- **过度表现的顾虑**：面对 Steven 提出“如何知道自己有没有演得过火”的疑问，Vinh 明确指出，普通人最大的问题从来不是“走得太远”，而是“远远不够大胆”。绝大多数人终其一生都在过度收敛（underplay），必须敢于越界去试探边界，再根据外界反馈回调。
- **传递情绪的核心**：很多演讲者或选手在台上口若悬河，却像选秀节目《英国达人秀》或《美国达人秀》中评委西蒙·考威尔（Simon Cowell）常评价的那样：“唱得很好，但我完全感受不到情绪。”声音里的旋律变化，正是把干瘪的信息转化为情感共鸣的关键。
---
### [28:04](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=1684s) 语速作为听觉荧光笔：掌控说话的节奏与清晰度
紧接着，Vinh 拿出了第二段经典台词让 Steven 盲读，这是电影《飓风营救》（Taken）中连姆·尼森（Liam Neeson）在电话里警告绑匪的经典独白：“I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want... what I do have are a very particular set of skills... I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.” 读完之后，Vinh 点破了发声能力的第二块基石——**语速（Rate of Speech）**。
语速可以被量化为一个 0 到 10 的区间：1 代表极度缓慢痛苦，10 代表极限狂飙。大多数人在紧张或无意识状态下，都会陷入默认的 5 分语速。然而高段位的沟通者会把语速当作一种战略工具：
- **听觉荧光笔（Auditory Highlight）**：当你想让听众记住最核心的观点时，把语速大幅放慢，一字一顿，就像用彩色荧光笔划过文字一样；
- **展示魅力与能量**：在讲述次要情节、背景铺垫或展现热情活力时，则可以迅速提高语速一掠而过。
如果说话全程都是匀速推进，听众的大脑很快就会疲劳并“关机”（switch off）。沟通的本质不在于信息的单向输出，而在于信息在接收端是否被准确感知。正如 Vinh 现场演示的那样，一口气报出五大发声要素会让重点荡然无存，但若在说出“最核心的五大声音基石”时突然放慢并停顿，听众的注意力就会瞬间聚焦。
- **紧张与语速的生理关联**：当人感到紧张焦虑时，本能反应是显著加快语速，试图尽快把话说完。
- **语速量化标准**：正常人的平均语速大约在每分钟 150 到 180 个单词（WPM）之间；一旦语速超过 210 WPM，听众就会感到难以消化、压迫感过强；而长期低于平均区间且毫无波动的讲话则会显得单调乏味。
- **快慢转换的吸引力**：真正抓住听众注意力的并不是“单纯的快”或“单纯的慢”，而是两者之间强烈的**动态反差**。
---
### [31:31](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=1891s) 捕食者法则：从容放慢所带来的权力感
在掌握了语速技巧后，Steven 重新演绎了《飓风营救》中的后半段台词。这一次，他在关键节点进行了大刀阔斧的节奏拉伸：“over a very... long... career...”，并在最后的死亡威胁时，将每一个词如同重锤一般缓缓砸下：“And... I... will... kill... you.”
全场顿时响起了赞叹。相比初次朗读时平铺直叙、毫无威胁感的语气，经过语速重构的同一段台词瞬间充满了令人屏息的压迫感与戏剧张力。Steven 观察到，这种现象在职场的董事会或高层会议中极为普遍：年轻的新员工或自认害羞内向的人，说话往往像在赶时间一样匆忙掠过，似乎生怕浪费别人的时间；而真正拥有顶级自信和超凡魅力的人，一举一动、一言一语都如同草原上的雄狮（Lion）一般沉着缓慢。Vinh 对此高度赞同，这正是“捕食者与猎物”在沟通中的投射：自信的人从不匆忙，他们拥有从容掌控时间的从容与定力。
### [33:30](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=2010s) 音量的力量：声音的生命之血与听觉高光
在练习中，斯蒂芬·巴特利特（Steven Bartlett）即兴念起了电影《洛奇》中的经典独白：“如果你知道自己的价值，就去争取你应得的！但你必须做好承受打击的准备，而不是指责别人，说什么因为他、她或任何人你才没能达到目标。那是懦夫的行为，那不是你，你比那优秀得多。”这段充满力量的文本引出了沟通中的下一个核心基石——音量（Volume）。阮荣（Vinh Giang）激动地强调，音量极其关键，它堪称“声音的生命之血”（the lifeblood of your voice）。音量承载着之前所学的全部要素，它托举起语调的旋律（melody），承载着语速（rate of speech），是一切声音表达的载体。
阮荣将音量比作一个从 1 到 10 的刻度标尺。在日常沟通中，绝大多数人习惯性地将自己困在 3 到 4 度的微弱区间里，且几乎从不改变。音量最迷人的地方在于制造“听觉高光”（auditorily highlight）：语速是通过放慢来强调重点，而音量既可以通过突然拔高来制造震撼，也可以通过骤然降低声音、压低至耳语来营造惊悚、神秘或亲密感。然而阮荣警示道，若你为了强调某件事而压低声音，随后却一直停留在耳语状态，这种本该惊艳的高光就会彻底失效，“因为一旦你把某种技巧变成了默认模式，它就会失去所有功能（if you make something default, it becomes non-functional）”。
音量刻度直接投射出人的心理状态与领导力感知：
- **低刻度音量（1-3 度）**：向外界传递出缺乏自信与怯懦的信号，是许多害羞内向者的默认行为防御机制。
- **高刻度音量（7-10 度）**：常常出现在缺乏自我认知的管理者或领导者身上。若仅有巨大的音量而缺乏旋律与语速的调和，就会演变成令人反感的傲慢与压迫感。
为了打破惯性，阮荣鼓励斯蒂芬彻底放开束缚，大声咆哮出台词，让录音棚外的人都能听见，紧接着再切换到极尽轻柔的耳语。斯蒂芬调整后，整段话爆发出了动人心魄的情绪张力。阮荣感叹道，声音本质上是一连串物理震动（vibrations），当你变换音量与声频时，你不仅是在传递文字，更是在物理层面发射能量震波去触动听众的神经。这正是英语里“Good vibes”（良好气场/共鸣）的真正物理学来源——你是在用声音真真切切地移动他人。
---
### [36:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=2205s) 面部是遥控器：用面部表情调控声音情感
在探讨语速、音量与节拍器节奏之后，两人进入了声音的第四个维度——语调（Tonality）中所蕴含的情感。斯蒂芬先是用平直的语调读了一段经典爱情电影《当哈利遇到莎莉》的台词：“这不是因为我寂寞，也不是因为今晚是除夕夜。我今晚来到这里，是因为当你意识到你想和某人共度余生时，你会希望你的余生越快开始越好。”这段原本极其浪漫炙热的情话，在缺乏表情与情绪时显得干瘪无趣。
阮荣给出了激活语调情感的核心秘诀：“面部就是你的遥控器，它让你能随心所欲地为声音注入情感（your face is the remote control that allows you to add emotion into your voice）。”人的声音之所以毫无波澜，根源往往在于面部肌肉僵死。为了打破这种阻滞，阮荣现场对斯蒂芬进行了一场“表情情绪操控游戏”，指令他在说台词的过程中实时切换神情：
1. **厌恶（Disgust）**：皱起眉头、带着嫌弃与不屑念出“这不是因为你寂寞，也不是因为这是除夕夜……”；
2. **极度惊讶（Surprised）**：瞪大双眼、扬起眉毛继续念道“我今晚来到这里是因为当你意识到你想和某人共度余生……”；
3. **愤怒（Angry）**：咬牙切齿、眼神凌厉地吼出“你希望你的余生……”；
4. **幸福（Happy）**：绽开真诚温暖的笑容收尾“……越快开始越好！”
```mermaid
flowchart LR
accTitle: Facial Expression to Emotional Connection Flow
accDescr: Diagram showing how facial movement changes voice tonality and triggers mirror neurons in listeners.
subgraph FaceVoice["说话者的生理反应"]
A["变换面部表情<br>(Remote Control)"] --> B["改变发音通道与语调<br>(Tonality)"]
end
subgraph ListenerSync["倾听者的神经共鸣"]
B --> C["物理声波震动与视觉传递"]
C --> D["激活听众镜像神经元<br>(Mirror Neurons)"]
D --> E["引发真实深层情绪共鸣"]
end
```
这种瞬间的情绪切换带来了奇迹般的效果。人类大脑中存在着强大的“镜像神经元”（mirror neurons），哪怕明知这是一场实验性的排练，但只要斯蒂芬的面部出现愤怒、喜悦或厌恶，阮荣就能感同身受地体验到那些情绪。
阮荣进而坦言，男性在这一维度上往往表现得更差，这背后有深重的社会文化烙印。从小到大，男性常被教育要把情感深埋心底，展现脆弱、悲伤甚至狂喜都被视为不成熟的弱点，男人必须在任何时刻都显得“沉着镇定（composed）”。阮荣回忆起过去因为压抑情感而严重伤害亲密关系的经历：有一回他和妻子去看演唱会，妻子兴奋地问他感受如何，阮荣却面无表情、声音死板地平缓说道：“这是一场非常精彩刺激的演唱会。”妻子无奈地回击：“好吧，看来你讨厌透了这里。”阮荣当时百口莫辩，他内心明明深爱那场演出，却根本不知道如何调动面部去表达情感。
---
### [38:51](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=2331s) 倾听的非语言艺术与肢体反馈中的“致命细节”
面部表情的威力不仅体现在说话时，更体现在倾听的过程中。阮荣指出，很多时候当别人对你倾诉时，你不必频繁发出声音来打断对方，仅仅运用面部表情做出反应，就是向对方传达“我完全沉浸在你的叙述中”的最强信号。斯蒂芬对此深有共鸣，作为访谈节目主持人，摄像机有超过 90% 的时间在捕捉倾听者的反应，他实际上一直在用面部与嘉宾隔空“无声对话”。比如微微歪头，就是在用肢体传达“请多说一点，我很感兴趣”的信号。
然而，微表情与肢体动作如果运用不当，也会酿成巨大的误解与沟通灾难：
- **快速点头（The Fast Nod）**：行为心理专家凡妮莎·范·爱德华兹（Vanessa Van Edwards）曾指出，在别人说话时如果频繁而迅速地点头，嘴里念叨着“对对对对”，其潜台词实际上极其无礼，潜意识在叫对方“快给我闭嘴，轮到我说了”。
- **缓慢点头（The Slow Nod）**：放慢节奏的深层点头，伴随专注的眼神，则传达出“原来如此，我学到了很多，请继续说下去”的求知欲与尊重。
阮荣总结道，当你能够将语速的变化、音量的大小、旋律的起伏以及丰富的面部表情编织在一起时，你的表达就不再是单调的发言，而是一首情感层次极其丰富的交响乐。
---
### [41:14](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=2474s) 叙事逻辑的跃迁：是“汇报故事”还是“重历故事”？
在掌握了声音与表情的外在乐器之后，斯蒂芬将话题引向了说话的内在内容与结构：“你在开口时总是直奔故事而去，比如开头就抛出‘这是我从导师那里学到的最重要一课’，这是刻意设计的吗？”阮荣给出了十分坚定的肯定回答——相比于单向灌输枯燥的技巧、窍门和干货（tips, hacks, and tricks），故事具有无可比拟的“附着力”（sticky）。
在分享自己的叙事核心公式前，阮荣剖析了大多数人在讲故事时犯下的致命错误：绝大多数人不是在“讲故事”，而是在**汇报故事（reporting stories）**。
- **汇报故事的典型表现**：如同枯燥的新闻播报，平铺直叙地罗列事件节点。例如在回答“你和你妻子是怎么认识的？”这一问题时，汇报式的说法是：“哦，我们在一家酒吧认识的。我当时给她变了个魔术，她不太喜欢，不过无所谓。后来我慢慢追求她，最后成功追到了手。总之就是在酒吧认识的。”
这种流水账式的汇报不仅丧失了场景感，更剥离了一切情感温度，彻底切断了与听众产生共鸣的通道。真正的叙事高手绝非站在第三视角汇报事实，而是通过调动听觉与感官体验，带领听众重新沉浸在故事发生的那个时空之中。
### [41:51](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=2511s) 告别新闻播报：在酒吧遇见妻子的真实故事
许多人在讲述过往经历时，往往像新闻播报员一样平铺直叙，干瘪地罗列事实：“昨晚 9 点，Vinh Giang 去了一家名叫 Distill 的酒吧搭讪女生，变了个老套的魔术，失败了；他又去了四次，终于再次见到她并成功了，现在他们结婚了。下一条新闻。”这种陈述事实的方式毫无生气。为了展示故事的真正魅力，Vinh 分享了他与妻子相遇的真实版本。那是 2009 年，他去蹭了一场名叫 Vivian 的女孩的毕业派对，地点就在那家名为 Distill 的漂亮酒吧。这家酒吧分上下两层，底层对所有人开放，二层则是需要购买昂贵酒水才能进入的高消费区。
当 Vinh 挤上二楼吧台时，一眼看到了那位漂亮的马来西亚女孩。作为一名魔术师，他自信满满地对身旁的朋友说“看好了”，随即从裤兜里掏出一副扑克牌走上前去，用油腔滑调的搭讪开场：“如果我把这张红桃 K 变成像你一样的红桃 Q，你会觉得惊艳吗？”女生的反应堪称经典——她满脸厌恶，仿佛“闻到了难闻的臭屁”，冷冷地回怼道：“如果你能变成一个真正的男人，过来跟我好好聊几句，我倒会觉得更惊艳。”
这记当头棒喝让平时习惯了赞叹声的 Vinh 碰了一鼻子灰，只能夹着尾巴灰溜溜地走开，还遭到了同伴们的无情报嘲笑。但他彻底被这个女孩强大的气场与自信所折服。随后的日子里，他连续四次跑去那家酒吧碰运气，前三次都扑了空，直到第四次女孩终于再次出现。这一次，Vinh 走上前收起了套路，真诚地说道：“听着，如果今晚我变成一个真正的男人，请你去喝杯咖啡，你觉得怎么样？”正是这一次的真实相对，开启了他们的爱情长河。
- **时间地点**：2009 年，Distill 酒吧（双层结构，一层普通区，二层高消费卡座区）。
- **搭讪交锋**：“如果我把这张红桃 K 变成像你一样的红桃 Q……”与反击：“如果你能变成一个真正的男人跟我聊天，我才会觉得惊艳。”
- **坚持与结局**：连续四次去酒吧寻人，最终以不带套路的坦诚邀约赢得芳心。
### [43:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=2625s) VAKS 感官法则：从“复述”到“重温”故事
Steven Bartlett 敏锐地指出，Vinh 在讲述中加入了许多看似无关紧要的细节，例如酒吧有两层楼、上层需要昂贵消费等，但正是这些细节让整个画面在听众脑海中立刻立体鲜活起来。Vinh 解读道，传统叙事往往只停留在“人物、事件、时间、地点”（Who, What, Where, When）的基础信息层，这仅仅是在“做报告”（Reporting）；而真正打动人心的故事需要带领听众“重温体验”（Reliving）。
实现这一转变的秘诀在于 **VAKS 感官模型**——即视觉（Visual）、听觉（Auditory）、动觉（Kinesthetic）和嗅觉（Smell）。在故事中，描绘双层酒吧构建了视觉空间；模仿自己轻浮的语气以及妻子冷峻有力的反击，则提供了逼真的听觉对话与戏剧张力；甚至形容对方表情像“闻到了臭屁”，调动了嗅觉与神态联想。不需要在每次讲话中塞满全部四种元素，但只要适量融入，故事就会瞬间充满生命力。
在社交媒体盛行的当下，人们往往急于追求“三个干货技巧”，丢掉了讲故事的艺术。Vinh 强调，故事是建立信任与情感共鸣（Rapport）的终极捷径。与其一上来生硬地宣讲“搭讪时如何表现得真实”，不如先用一段生动的亲身经历拉近距离，让听众在欢笑与共鸣中放松下来，随后再递出核心观点：“下次被女孩拒绝时，她可能不是在否定你整个人，而只是在否定你糟糕的开场方式。这里有三个更真实的沟通方法……”此时听众的接受度会成倍提升。
```mermaid
flowchart TD
accTitle: VAKS故事法则与传统汇报对比
accDescr: 对比传统信息汇报与融入VAKS感官重温故事的传达效果与路径
subgraph Report["传统汇报模式 (Reporting)"]
A1["基础事实层: Who / What / Where / When"] --> B1["单向信息灌输，冷淡乏味"]
end
subgraph Relive["重温体验模式 (Reliving - VAKS)"]
A2["视觉 Visual: 环境构图与细节描写"]
B2["听觉 Auditory: 语气变换与生动对话"]
C2["动觉与嗅觉 Kinesthetic & Smell: 情绪触感与神态反应"]
A2 & B2 & C2 --> D2["建立共鸣与化学反应 (Rapport)"]
D2 --> E2["引出行动法则与应用 (Application)"]
end
```
- **VAKS 要素拆解**：
- **V (Visual)**：空间场景还原（如二楼的高级吧台）。
- **A (Auditory)**：声音色彩、语调变化及角色台词还原。
- **K (Kinesthetic)**：身体感受与动作细节（如从口袋抽出一副扑克牌、夹着尾巴溜走）。
- **S (Smell)**：感官通感联想（如对方嫌弃的表情）。
- **优秀故事的四大支柱**：抓手（Hook）、困境与抗争（Struggle）、突破（Breakthrough）、实际应用（Application）。
### [45:20](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=2720s) 打破知识获取的死循环：行动与应用是关键
谈及好故事的最后一步“应用”（Application），Steven 将其理解为提炼出的经验教训，而 Vinh 进一步补充，这更是指“听完之后你具体要做什么”。现代受众最渴望的是简单务实、能立即落地执行的行动指南。然而绝大多数人却深陷在一种“只消费、不行动”的知识获取恶性循环中。
Vinh 形象地描摹了学员们常见的“绝望之环”：当某人面临升职机会，突然意识到“我必须提升沟通能力”，他们的第一反应是打开 Google，搜索“如何提升面试与沟通技巧”，随即被 1,060 万条搜索结果吓退；接着他们转战 YouTube，面对 300 万个相关视频不知所措；最后他们求助于 ChatGPT，得到的却是一堆从网络博客抓取而来的空洞大道理。信息过载导致大脑瘫痪，最终一事无成，生活没有任何实质改变。
打破这个死循环的唯一办法是：**挑选其中一个极小的技巧，立刻投入现实世界去试验**。例如听完本期节目后，不必好高骛远，只需要抓住“语调起伏”（Tonality）这一项，回家找一本充满情感起伏的儿童绘本读给孩子听；如果没有孩子，就向亲戚借外甥或外甥女来练习。在朗读中把自己的声音当作乐器，观察孩子的笑容、咯咯的笑声与即时反馈。这种真实的互动会让人猛然警醒：原来自己的声音蕴藏着改变他人情绪的巨大能量。
- **信息过载的数据呈现**：Google 检索出现 1,060 万条结果，YouTube 检索出现 300 万条视频，最终导致行动瘫痪。
- **推荐行动练习**：挑选一本儿童读物给孩子（或亲友的孩子）大声朗读，单纯专注练习语调转换，感知声音乐器对听众情绪的即时调动。
### [48:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=2880s) 声音的终极基石：用停顿赋予语言重量与清晰度
为了演练声音工具箱中的最后一项关键基石，Vinh 让 Steven 朗读电影《角斗士》（Gladiator）中马克西姆斯（Maximus Decimus Meridius）的经典台词：“我的名字是马克西姆斯·德西穆斯·梅里迪乌斯，北方军团指挥官，费利克斯军团长官，真正皇帝马可·奥勒留的忠实仆从。被谋杀之子的父亲，被谋杀之妻的丈夫。在今世或来世，我必将复仇。”
在 Steven 初次快速通读完毕后，Vinh 点出了这项核心武器——**停顿（The Pause）**。停顿具有极强的放大效应：无论停顿前承载着怎样的情绪，一旦声音戛然而止，那种情绪就会在静止中被剧烈放大。如果是愤怒时停顿，那份愤怒便会如火山般沉重积聚；如果是悲伤时停顿，悲伤的浓度就会被无限拉长。这正如交响乐的艺术，在恢弘的渐强音（Crescendo）之后紧随的休止符，往往才是整个乐章中最有力量的音符。
在 Vinh 的引导下，Steven 重新朗读了这段台词，在每一个关键从句之间留出充足的空白：
“我的名字是马克西姆斯……德西穆斯·梅里迪乌斯。
指挥官……北方军团的统帅。
将军……费利克斯军团的长官。
忠诚的仆从……献给真正的……皇帝……马可·奥勒留。
被谋杀之子的父亲。
被谋杀之妻的丈夫。
而我必将复仇……在今世……或来世。”
第二次演练带来了截然不同的震撼感。Vinh 解释道，许多职场人在向上汇报时，因为紧张而语速飞快，即便手里握着顶级的市场营销方案，也会因为仓促赶进度而让领导感受不到其方案的深谋远虑与分量。而**当你敢于在发言中停顿，你是在给听众的大脑预留消化处理的时间**；你是在用肢体语言和静默明确地向对方宣告：“请认真在乎我刚才说的这句话，这至关重要。”所有的声音训练基石汇聚在一起，最终指向的最高境界正是“清晰度”（Clarity）。
- **停顿的心理学作用**：
- **情绪放大器**：延续并强化停顿前的情感（愤怒、悲伤、坚定）。
- **认知缓冲带**：给听众留出处理和消化重磅信息的脑力空间。
- **重要性信号**：向听众无声施压，暗示上一句话具备不可忽视的重量。
- **职场启示**：仓促汇报会稀释卓越策略的价值，敢于留白的停顿才能赋予观点应有的权威与深度。
### [50:20](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3020s) 让人心生反感的说话风格与“让作品自己说话”的误区
在日常沟通中，某些特定的语调和说话模式会瞬间让人产生疏离感。比如在澳大利亚拨打房地产中介的电话时，经常会听到一种机械而标准的调调：“您好，我是某某房产的詹姆斯（James）。”紧接着又是那句千篇一律的：“没问题，我马上帮您转接下一个人。”这种被称为“唱歌腔”（sing-song voice）的语调具有固定的旋律和节拍。一旦说话者不断重复同一种节奏，听众的大脑就会自动“断开连接”，觉得对方虚伪、没有真正投入情感，宛如在照本宣科。
解决这个问题的方法极其简单：打破原有的旋律序列，改用更接地气、更有起伏的语调。例如换成：“嘿，我是詹姆斯，有什么我能帮您的，朋友？”虽然传达的信息完全一致，但由于打破了刻板的单调节奏，整个人立刻显得真诚许多。在自媒体或新闻播报中也是同理，主播们往往拥有一套固定的起承转合（如“昨晚九点……”），长期以往就会显得僵硬。如果一个人想变得极度无趣，最有效的方式就是抹杀掉声音中所有的抑扬顿挫和变化。
许多专业人士常抱有一种执念：“我要让自己的工作成果来说话（I'll let my work speak for itself）。”做好本职工作固然无可厚非，但人为什么不能同时“替自己的工作代言”？现实往往很残酷：那些拥有半吊子想法的人，凭借两倍的舞台表现力与沟通技巧，就能轻易抢占先机。沟通技巧的本质并不是弄虚作假，而是为那些真正拥有好故事、好产品，或在专业技术领域默默耕耘了十五年的人赋能，让他们不再因为表达不力而被埋没。
---
### [52:48](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3168s) 提升沟通觉察力：魔术师的“录制与复盘”三步法
绝大多数人在沟通上存在“不知自己不知”（problem unaware）的盲区。要建立强大的自我觉察，必须掌握源自魔术训练的“录制与复盘”（Record and Review）法则。该方法通过多维度的自我剖析，能彻底重塑一个人的表达习惯与台风气场：
```mermaid
flowchart TD
accTitle: 录制与复盘三步流程图
accDescr: 展示从即兴录制到放置冷却，再到听觉、视觉、文本三维复盘的完整逻辑链条。
subgraph Prep["准备阶段"]
A["即兴录制 5 分钟站姿视频"] --> B["放置冷却 24 小时<br/>消除容貌与声音容忍偏差"]
end
subgraph Review["多维度复盘阶段"]
B --> C["听觉复盘<br/>手机反扣 / 纯听声音"]
B --> D["视觉复盘<br/>开启静音 / 纯看动作"]
B --> E["文本复盘<br/>逐字转录 / 标记杂词"]
end
C --> F["诊断语速、音量、语调及停顿"]
D --> G["捕捉转椅、摸眼镜、晃动等无效微动作"]
E --> H["用红笔高亮'um/like'等听觉杂质"]
```
1. **即兴录制 5 分钟视频**：打开手机，保持站立姿势录制一段足足 5 分钟的发言。题目可以去 Google 或 ChatGPT 搜索即兴破冰话题（Conversational Starters）。核心要求是**必须完全即兴**，绝不能使用背诵过 20 遍的讲稿，因为只有在即兴状态下，最深层的无意识缺陷与无效行为（non-functional behaviors）才会暴露无遗。
2. **强制放置冷却一天**：录完后千万不要马上回放。人在刚录完时看自己，满脑子都是挑剔：“我太胖了、太丑了、声音真难听”。冷却 24 小时后，时间与心理距离会让人建立客观的自我认同，减少过度自我批判。
3. **分三维度回放复盘**：
- **听觉复盘（Auditory Review）**：将手机声音开到最大，屏幕向下反扣，纯靠耳朵听。结合五大声音基石进行对照：自己的基准语速是几档？基准音量是不是过小？有没有语调起伏和情感？是否完全没有留白停顿？大部分人因为抗拒面对自己而从不复盘，但只要听一次，就能写满一整页以往从未注意到的诊断笔记。
- **视觉复盘（Visual Review）**：把手机翻过来，完全静音播放，只看画面中的肢体语言。这会立刻揪出平时被忽略的坏习惯——是否在转椅上不停晃动？双手是不是尴尬地背在身后？是不是有高频小动作（摸眼镜、摸脸、抓嘴巴、摆弄杂物）？创作者与优秀的播客主持人之所以敏锐，正是因为他们常年直面自己的录像。
- **文本复盘（Transcript Review）**：既不看也不听，将录像内容完整转写成文字稿。
---
### [57:24](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3444s) 消除听觉杂质：用“有意识停顿”替换废话填充词
将发言转录成文本能带来震撼的上帝视角。许多人看文本时会惊呼：“天呐，我竟然在同一件事上车轱辘话说了这么久，完全是在漫无目的地闲扯（ramble）。”文字稿必须原汁原味地保留所有的非词语言（non-words，如 um、uh 等用来填补空白的喉音）以及填充词（filler words，如 "and so"、"like"、"do you know what I mean"）。
拿出一支红色的荧光笔，把所有这类“听觉杂质”（auditory clutter）全部圈出来。演讲者常常对自己的口头禅浑然不觉。例如在疫情期间转为线上授课时，由于隔着屏幕无法获得现场学员的眼神互动，讲师在讲完每一句话后都会下意识加上一句“Okay？”：“这是声音基础，okay？这是肢体语言，okay？okay？”直到做文本复盘时，才猛然发现满篇全是无意义的“okay”。
- **信息清晰度的杀手**：如果在每讲三个词之间都要塞入 "you know"、"like"、"um"，听众接收信息的清晰度就会大打折扣。日常交流允许有少量填充词以体现人性的自然，但绝不能让话语被这些杂质完全污染。
- **改掉坏习惯的终极替代法**：消灭填充词不需要复杂的技巧，只需建立一个全新的肌肉记忆——**学会停顿**。每当察觉到自己想发出 "um" 的瞬间，立刻闭上嘴巴保持安静。此时并不是系统卡顿，而是在进行有力量的留白。学会从容面对并享受这种安静，是掌握声音掌控力的必经之路。
- **复盘后的常见陷阱**：很多人在完成听觉、视觉和文本这三页复盘清单后，往往会被找出的 26 个毛病彻底压垮，陷入无从下手的焦虑瘫痪。面对琳琅满目的问题，下一步的关键在于如何科学排序并逐一突破。
### [58:55](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3535s) 12周改善计划与改善日式哲学（Kaizen）
许多人在面对众多沟通提升技巧时，常因选择过多而陷入“分析瘫痪”（analysis paralysis），不知道该从何入手。Vinh Giang 强调，选哪一个其实并不重要，关键在于“直接选一个并开始行动”。他推荐制定一个 12 周的小计划，每周只专注于攻克一个单项技能。例如第一周专攻“语速”（rate of speech），整整一周的所有练习都只围绕语速展开。到了周末，进行录音回放评估。如果语速依然没有改善，下周就继续死磕语速，直到发生实质性改变为止。
Vinh 借用了日本著名的管理与精进哲学“改善”（Kaizen，即坚持不懈的持续改进），强调无论是个人的表达还是团队的打磨，都需要这种坚韧的承诺。他提到自己过去曾为企业 CEO 们提供私人一对一辅导（如今为了陪伴两个年幼的孩子已不再接个案）。有些 CEO 刚看到他给出的训练方案时甚至会恼火，质问：“我就只练语速吗？”Vinh 的回答非常干脆：“是的，因为你的默认语速慢到足以让所有人睡着。”如果一两周没有起色，训练就必须重复进行。最终，往往仅仅花了一个月时间提升语速，那些领导者的表达状态就变得极具活力与感染力。
```mermaid
flowchart TD
accTitle: 沟通技能12周迭代闭环
accDescr: 展示选定单项指标、执行专注练习、录音复盘到持续迭代的完整流程。
subgraph S1["第一阶段：单点聚焦"]
A["拒绝分析瘫痪<br/>挑选单一技能（如语速）"] --> B["制定12周微计划<br/>每周专注单一维度练习"]
end
subgraph S2["第二阶段：复盘与循环"]
B --> C["周末自我录音<br/>回看并评估表现"]
C --> D{"是否产生<br/>实质改善？"}
D -- "否" --> E["践行 Kaizen 精神<br/>下周继续强化同一维度"]
E --> B
D -- "是" --> F["进阶下一维度<br/>（如停顿、音量、手势）"]
end
```
---
### [01:00:04](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3604s) 录像复盘：识破肢体语言与“无声的哈欠”
针对普遍存在的“过度倾诉与过度解释”（over-talking and over-explaining），Vinh 指出，唯一能让人产生自我觉察的方法，就是在与他人真实交流时录制下自己的表现。如今的视频会议软件（如 Zoom）为这种训练提供了绝佳工具。在 Zoom 上录制会议，不仅能完整观察自己的言行，还能同步观察对方的即时反应。
当 Steven Bartlett 询问是否建议团队开会时录音并课后复盘以提升全员沟通水平时，Vinh 给予了百分之百的肯定。他解释说，现实生活里人们几乎永远不会直接给你真实有效的沟通反馈，除非是说一句无关痛痒的“我觉得你讲得稍微有点快”；因为指出更深层的沟通缺陷，在人际交往中极易被视作对个人人格的攻击，下属更绝不敢轻易对大老板提出批评。然而，人的言语可以说谎，身体语言却从不掩饰：
- 回放会议录像时，观众细微的面部表情一览无遗，甚至能捕捉到人们闭着嘴却在深层呼气的“无声哈欠”（silent yawn）。
- 这种客观反馈能像警钟一样提醒讲话者：“我刚才话太多了，这一段完全偏离重点，听众已经流失了。”
- Vinh 分享了自己早年做职业主题演讲者（keynote speaker）时的硬核做法：他用管道胶带（duct tape）将两台 GoPro 运动相机背靠背绑在一起，并贴住录制红灯以防观众分心。一台对准台上的自己，另一台对准台下的听众。
- 演讲结束后两屏对照复盘，画面极其令人警醒——每当观众面孔被手机屏幕的光亮照亮，就精确对应着台上演讲垮掉的瞬间。他曾自以为某个题外话很有趣、极具价值，并在舞台上保留了整整六个月，直到复盘观众反应才猛然惊醒：那个笑话根本毫无价值，听众早已走神。
---
### [01:02:27](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3747s) 主持人赞助口播（Shopify）
Steven Bartlett 插入了播客赞助商 Shopify 的宣传口播。他分享了自己的商业感悟：企业最大的隐形成本往往不是失败，而是在犹疑不决、过度思考与等待所谓“完美时机”中所浪费的时间。Steven 回忆自己 20 岁创立第一家公司时，身无分文且毫无经验，唯独拥有快速行动的执行力。Shopify 凭借海量可定制模板、全渠道销售整合（从独立网站到社交媒体）以及后端支付、物流和税务托管，极大降低了创业门槛。
---
### [01:03:22](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3802s) 登台前的身心重置：呼吸、排肾上腺素与心智转换
针对高频演讲（一年多达 80 场）前的准备工作，Steven 询问 Vinh 在登台前是否有固定的仪式来保证最佳状态。Vinh 分享了一套分为三步的身心调控法，目标是平复大脑、放松肉体并高度聚神：
1. **Wim Hof 呼吸法**：利用引导气泡呼吸（guided bubble breathing），先进行 30 次深长快速的呼吸，随后呼气屏息；接着吸入一大口气，憋气屏息 15 秒后再缓缓呼出。连续重复三个完整循环后，整个人从身体到精神都会进入深层放松状态。
2. **清除多余肾上腺素**：做少量快走或快速做 10 到 20 个俯卧撑。人体在上台前因紧张会分泌大量肾上腺素，若不提前代谢掉，上台后身体就会不由自主地在台上盲目来回踱步。这种“非功能性走动”（non-functional movement）没有任何演讲意图，纯粹是身体在宣泄无处安放的激素冲动。
3. **心智重心外移（Audience-conscious）**：人之所以会感到局促与紧张（self-conscious），是因为大脑的认知带宽全被“我自己”占据了（“我看起来怎么样？我讲得好不好？”）。只要将全部认知资源转移到他人身上，紧张感便无从立足。Vinh 坦言自己进演播室录制这期节目之前同样有些紧张，但他通过自我对话将心态切换为“服务模式”：“我该如何为 Steven 和他的观众创造最大的价值？”一旦心念完全扑在听众身上，大脑便再无多余容量去关注自我的得失与焦虑。
---
### [01:05:10](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3910s) 唤醒咬字器官与“力量球”（Power Sphere）手势
在探讨清晨开会、大脑与嘴巴“失联”的身体状态时，Steven 询问唤醒舌头与口腔的具体技巧。Vinh 示范了发声与发音器官的快速热身法：
- **打唇（Lip Trills / 唇颤音）**：彻底放松唇部，通过稳定呼气带动双唇快速颤动发出“嘟嘟”声。若无法自然完成，可用两根食指轻轻抵住面颊两侧推向嘴唇辅助发声。Vinh 建议选一首自己最喜欢的歌（如《The Final Countdown》），跟着旋律用打唇哼唱整首歌，持续 2 至 3 分钟。这能迅速唤醒声带与作为最核心咬字器官（articulators）的双唇。
- **警笛法（The Siren Technique）**：声音从极低音滑向极高音，再由高音滑回低音，如同警笛鸣响，能够迅速拉伸声带音域。
在肢体语言层面，Steven 提到了 Vinh 演讲体系中的“力量球”（Power Sphere）理论。Vinh 说明这一概念源自他在美国生活期间师从的肢体语言专家马克·鲍登（Mark Bowden）。所谓“力量球”，是指身体上从**肚脐到眼睛**之间的立体区域。充满自信与影响力的手势应当精准维持在这一空间内；而许多缺乏自信、感到害羞的人，其手部动作往往耷拉在肚脐下方，或是僵硬地垂在身体两侧，从而在无形中削弱了自身的权威感与气场。
### [01:06:37](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=3997s) 破解“高管气场”与力量之球手势
许多学员（尤其是女性学员）经常向 Vinh Giang 请教关于“缺乏气场”的问题，抱怨自己在工作中总被评价为“缺乏高管气场”（Executive Presence）。在 Vinh 看来，所谓神圣难测的“高管气场”其实只有两根支柱：**声音气场**与**身体气场**。大部分人之所以显得气场微弱，是因为他们下意识地在“缩手缩脚”（playing small），害怕占用空间，双手紧紧缩在身体两侧，像一只双臂蜷缩的暴龙（T-Rex）。
要建立强大的身体气场，关键是让手肘离开身体两侧。Vinh 提到了导师 Mark 传授给他的概念：想象自己周身包裹着一个无形的“力量之球”（Power Sphere），在说话和比划手势时，永远不要害怕将双臂充分伸展到这个球体的边缘。不要做缩着双臂的霸王龙，而是要落落大方、自信地占据属于你的物理空间。
```mermaid
flowchart TD
accTitle: 高管气场的构成与肢体表达
accDescr: 展示高管气场的两大部分以及肢体气场的核心练习要点
subgraph Presence["高管气场 Executive Presence"]
VP["声音气场 Vocal Presence"]
PP["身体气场 Physical Presence"]
end
subgraph Gesture["肢体气场实践"]
Sphere["力量之球 (Power Sphere)<br/>敢于探索空间边缘"]
NoTRex["摆脱霸王龙手势 (T-Rex)<br/>手肘离开躯干两侧"]
end
PP --> Sphere
PP --> NoTRex
```
### [01:07:32](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=4052s) 萨提亚四大沟通姿态与声调联结（Placater 与 Leveler）
不仅要伸展空间，还要学会结构化的基础手势。这些手势源自著名家庭治疗流派先驱维吉尼亚·萨提亚（Virginia Satir）提出的沟通姿态模型：
1. **讨好型手势（Placater）**：双手手心向上并向外摊开。这种手势在潜意识中传递“我没有武器，绝不会攻击你”的信号，非常适合用于在门口或讲台上方热情地迎接观众，表达“见到你真高兴”。然而，它的近亲动作就是摊手耸肩表示“我不知道”，因此在传递坚定权威时容易显得软弱无力。
2. **指责/平抑型手势（Leveler）**：双手手心向下平压。这个动作天然带有一种“控制感”与“定力”。
为了证明身体与声音的直接联结，Vinh 现场让 Steven 做了一个即兴实验——对一岁大、顽皮可爱的女儿 Melody 说一句话：“Melody, stop doing that.”（Melody，别做那个）：
- 当 Steven 保持手心向上的讨好手势时，说话的声音显得轻柔、犹豫且缺乏分量。
- 随后 Vinh 要求他将手掌翻转朝下、切换为 Leveler 手势再次重复。Steven 刚一翻掌下压，声音的音调（pitch）立刻明显降低，音量随之放大，威严与不悦的情绪不怒自威地流露出来。
这个实验直观地揭示出：很多人以为自己的声音过于“单调乏味”（monotone voice），拼命在喉咙上下功夫，却没意识到**声音的单调本质上来自僵硬单调的身体**。身体的变化直接操纵了声带的振动与质感。如果在演讲临近尾声时手掌朝下平压着问“大家有什么问题吗？”，肢体语言传递出的其实是“赶快结束，我不想要任何提问”的抵触信号。
### [01:09:46](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=4186s) 指责型、电脑型与打断型手势
随后两人深入探讨了萨提亚体系中的另外几种肢体姿态：
- **指责型手势（Blamer）**：最直接的形式就是伸出食指指人，攻击性极强。政客们为了削弱这种敌意，通常会演化为四指微曲握拳、大拇指轻轻按压的“全指指向”（soft full-finger point）。Steven 提到他在做播客时常会遇到一种搞笑且微妙的尴尬场景：嘉宾随口聊到“很多创业者毫无生活与工作的平衡，过得其实很悲惨”或者“有些人最近发福长胖了”，讲着讲着手指就“无意识”地顺势指向了 Steven，虽然契合谈话语境，却让人哭笑不得。
- **电脑型手势（Computer / 思考者姿势）**：一只手臂横抱于胸前或腋下，另一只手托住下巴或脸颊。这个姿势代表大脑正在飞速运转、深度处理对方输入的信息（“我在认真琢磨你说的话”）。在倾听访谈时，如果配合微微的**歪头（head tilt）**，能瞬间柔化神态，传递出强烈的同理心与专注感；而身体若僵硬直挺、面无表情，对方根本感觉不到你的倾听与存在。
- **打断型/干扰型手势（Distractor）**：一种用于击碎疲劳的“视听模式打断”（Pattern Break）。当在舞台上突然讲跑偏（went on a tangent），或者低头发现台下观众全在低头刷手机时，如果硬着头皮继续讲只会全盘溃败。此时可以通过一次清脆的“拍手”（听觉打断）加上双手在胸前像“驱赶蜜蜂”（shooing bees）一样的挥舞（视觉打断），笑着打断自己：“抱歉，我刚才扯远了，让我把大家拉回来，换个比方重新讲。”这种技巧能瞬间夺回全场注意力。但 Vinh 也警告，若一场演讲里需要用到两次以上，就说明排练根本不到位，内容结构逻辑存在严重漏洞。
### [01:12:31](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=4351s) 破除“那不是真实的我”：自媒体与场景化表达
不仅在公共演讲中，在社交媒体制作短视频打造个人 IP 时，这一套肢体与声音的唤醒技巧同样至关重要。许多人录制的视频乏味死板，就是因为他们在镜头前在视觉与听觉上都缺乏生命力。
面对这些训练，人们最常见的心理阻碍是抗拒：“但这感觉好假，这根本就不是真实的我（That's not me）。”
Vinh 用现象级 YouTuber MrBeast（Jimmy）的新节目《Beast Games》予以反驳：
- 难道 Jimmy 回到家里和伴侣说话时，也会扯着嗓门大喊“接下来我们要去吃晚餐！晚餐你将拥有三个选择——”吗？绝对不会。
- Jimmy 极其清醒地知道，在特定的平台媒介、特定的场景氛围下，为了达到预期的传播目的，他必须把自己的“人声乐器与身体乐器”调到相应的演奏模式。
- 执着于“我只有单一固定的人格/自我”（addicted to the idea of there's only one me），是对沟通与人性最大的误解。在不同场景自如切换表达模式，不是虚伪，而是对沟通效果与听众负责的专业素养。
### [01:13:24](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=4404s) 影响力的代价与精力的慷慨
很多人听到提升沟通技巧需要注意这么多细节时，本能的反应往往是退缩，觉得这一切听起来太累、太繁琐，甚至会说：“天哪，这简直太令人精疲力竭了，我实在懒得去折腾这些。”Vinh Giang 坦言自己经常听到这种抱怨，但他直截了当地指出，获取影响力就像竞技体育一样，从来没有不劳而获的捷径。这就好比有人声称“我想成为世界上最顶尖的篮球运动员，但训练实在太累了”，这种态度根本无法达成目标——想要获得掌控局面的影响力，就必须付出对等的努力。
随着后疫情时代工作方式的彻底转变，大量的沟通转移到了 Zoom、Google Meet 等线上视频会议中。许多人疑惑之前的面对面沟通法则在线上是否依然适用，Vinh Giang 明确表示，线上环境甚至比线下“更加关键”。对于非专业的内容创作者来说，坐在冰冷的网络摄像头前会感到极其不自然，人们容易在屏幕前迷失自我，原有的声音基础和肢体表现力瞬间瓦解。为了在线上唤起对方的共鸣、让对方感受到被重视，讲话者必须建立起一种“慷慨的心态”（mindset of generosity）。
谈到慷慨，人们最先联想到的是金钱，稍微深思一层会想到付出时间，但极少有人意识到第三种、也是最关键的形式——**精力的慷慨**（generosity of energy）。Vinh Giang 坦言，哪怕自己受时差困扰、身体极度疲惫，脑海里有个声音在劝他“算了吧，放松一点对付过去”，他也依然主动选择在对话中倾注全力去连结对方。特别是在面对 400 到 500 人的大型线上课程时，他会展现出一个比日常生活中庞大得多的“放大版自我”（bigger version of yourself）。虽然他的妻子在隔壁看他上课会觉得“他表现得实在太过了”，但在屏幕另一端的所有学员感受到的，却是无比充沛的热情与非凡的吸引力。
- **三种慷慨的层次**：
1. **金钱的慷慨**：最直观、最容易被理解的付出形式。
2. **时间的慷慨**：愿意为他人投入自身宝贵的时间。
3. **精力的慷慨**：在交流中主动注入饱满的情绪能量与专注力，这是克服镜头隔阂的核心。
---
### [01:16:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=4605s) 打造专业线上会议：空间距离与视听装备
线上会议之所以令人感到局促或缺乏吸引力，很大程度上是因为技术细节和物理环境的错误布置。许多人在开会时仅仅把整张大脸塞满屏幕，不仅视觉上显得死板单一，还会触发心理学上的不适感。Vinh Giang 引用了行为学专家凡妮莎·范·爱德华兹（Vanessa Van Edwards）关于空间关系学（proxemics）的研究：当镜头挨得太近、只露出头部时，实际上是把对方强行拉入了“亲密距离”（intimate space）——这种极度贴近的距离原本只属于伴侣之间夜间枕边私语的时刻。一旦在商业会议中出现这种特写，双方都会感到不自在和尴尬。
正确的做法是把笔记本电脑向后推，使用外接摄像头和广角镜头，让画面呈现出自己的完整上半身，从而退回到舒适的“个人空间与社交空间”（personal and social space）。这样的画面不仅让观看者感觉更自然得体，同时也为讲话者释放了使用手势动作的空间，使整体表达更富动态。此外，打光是拉开专业差距的另一个关键环节；如果日常工作中频繁进行重要会议，就必须学会视频制作中的“三点布光法”（Three-point lighting），让整个人从背景中脱颖而出，显得清晰而利落。
除了视觉层面，听觉与网络连接同样是不可妥协的底线。很多人花了大量时间打磨嗓音技巧，却使用着电脑自带的劣质麦克风，最终传出的声音依然干瘪刺耳；更不用说不稳定的网络连接会瞬间毁掉所有沟通成果。只要在设备和环境上做出简单而专业的升级，就能在线上交流中彻底拉开与其他参会者的差距。
```mermaid
flowchart TD
accTitle: 线上会议视听呈现升级指南
accDescr: 展示从画面景别、三点布光到音频与网络连接的完整线上呈现优化流程
subgraph Visual ["视觉构图与空间距离"]
A["避免大头贴构图<br/>亲密空间导致尴尬与压迫感"] --> B["推远镜头 / 换广角<br/>呈现上半身与躯干"]
B --> C["释放手势空间<br/>建立舒适的社交空间"]
end
subgraph Lighting ["专业三点布光"]
D["主光 (Key Light)<br/>正面主力照明"]
E["辅光 (Fill Light)<br/>侧面消除阴影"]
F["轮廓光/背光 (Back Light)<br/>勾勒边缘分离背景"]
D & E & F --> G["画面清晰锐利、富有层次"]
end
subgraph Hardware ["硬件与连接保障"]
H["外接麦克风<br/>还原嗓音饱满质感"]
I["1080p+ 独立摄像头<br/>告别模糊低画质"]
J["高速稳定光纤网络<br/>确保交流流畅无延迟"]
end
Visual --> K["高影响力线上沟通"]
Lighting --> K
Hardware --> K
```
- **线上会议硬件与环境要点**：
- **画面构图**：拒绝单一大头画面，展示出上半身完整躯干，给手势表达留出物理空间。
- **三点布光配置**：由主光（Key Light）、辅光（Fill Light）和背光/发丝光（Hair/Back Light）组成，使人物主体立体鲜明。
- **独立外接设备**：配备最低 1080p 分辨率的独立高清摄像头，搭配外接收音麦克风，避免笔记本自带设备的劣质音画。
- **网络环境**：配置优质光纤网络（Fiber optic），杜绝卡顿与掉线。
---
### [01:19:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=4748s) 身份认同的枷锁与口音偏见
在深入探讨表达方式的转变时，主持人指出沟通风格与人们的“身份认同”（identity）有着极深的羁绊。每个人常常受困于自己是谁的既定设想中，而口音则是最明显的例证——一个人无论生活在英国利物浦操着斯考斯（Scouse）口音，还是在纽约操着当地方言，都说明人类的沟通极易被环境同化并固化为自我认同的一部分。然而，当人们试图主动打破这种环境塑造的模子时，往往会遭遇周围人的阻力与质疑。
Vinh Giang 分享了自己在改善发音和咬字时遭遇的负面经历。作为一个成长于澳大利亚的越南裔，他过去讲话经常含糊不清，充斥着大量的俚语缩写，甚至会把“three”（三）念成“free”，完全忽略“T”的发音。当他意识到这种含糊的口齿会让听众在潜意识里低估他的智商与专业度时，他决定下功夫纠正自己的咬字和发音。
然而，当他开始字正腔圆地清晰吐字时，身边的朋友和熟人却纷纷嘲讽他：“你这是在装什么英国人？”“你骨子里就是个初来乍到的移民小子（FOB），装什么高高在上的英式澳洲腔？”周围的人试图用过往的身份标签将他困在原地。面对这种阻力，Vinh Giang 清楚地知道自己改变的初衷：如果任由含糊不清的口音主导表达，就会在别人心中留下错误的刻板印象，招致无端的轻视与低估；改变咬字并非背叛自我，而是为了夺回自身形象的定义权。
### [01:21:02](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=4862s) 口音并非障碍：发音与口腔动作的真相
对话从口音带来的偏见切入。英国特许人事与发展协会（CIPD）在 2006 年的一项调查显示，高达 76% 的雇主承认会仅仅依据口音来歧视求职者。尽管人们习惯“以貌取人、以音取人”，但 Vinh 提出了一个颠覆性的核心观点：**口音本身从来不是问题，真正的问题在于清晰度（Articulation）与发音标准（Pronunciation）。**
为什么大众普遍觉得英国人聪明、像詹姆斯·邦德（James Bond）一样优雅高贵？Vinh 指出，这在很大程度上是因为影视剧里呈现的英国人咬字极其清晰。无论带有什么地域口音，只要做到字正腔圆、清晰吐字，都能散发出高度的智慧与魅力。Vinh 以自己的印度学员为例：许多人长期认定“印度口音”是职场阻碍，但事实证明，一旦纠正了咬字清晰度，声音便极具美感。问题的本质在于深层的生理机制——一个人一生都在用母语的口腔肌肉动作说话；当切换到英语时，依然套用母语的口腔发音方式。由于口腔运动轨迹完全不同，才导致了含糊不清与严重口音。
为了彻底掌握英语的口腔动作，Vinh 曾亲自去向言语治疗师（Speech Pathologist）求助。观众常常误以为 Vinh 天生就有“三寸不烂之舌”（Gift of the gab），但他坦言自己天生在语言上极其匮乏，英语甚至只是他的第三语言。改变说话方式就如同把插在口袋里的手拿出来一样，只是一种可以通过后天刻意练习来重塑的“行为模式”。
```mermaid
flowchart TD
accTitle: 口音与清晰度的机制解析
accDescr: 展示母语口腔动作如何影响第二语言发音，以及言语训练的作用
subgraph Problem["发音困境的根源"]
A["母语固有口腔运动轨迹"] --> B["迁移至英语等第二语言"]
B --> C["肌肉发力与动作错位"]
C --> D["咬字模糊与沟通障碍"]
end
subgraph Solution["刻意练习与纠正"]
E["言语病理学 / 口腔动作重塑"] --> F["掌握目标语言发音部位"]
F --> G["咬字极致清晰"]
G --> H["打破偏见：口音成为个人辨识度"]
end
D -.->|"行为重塑"| E
```
---
### [01:23:13](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=4993s) 身份认同与非标准语调的现实偏见
Steven 提到，当得知英语是 Vinh 的第三语言时他感到极度震惊，因为 Vinh 的英语完全听不出任何母语残留的痕迹。Steven 联想到自己的母亲：身为尼日利亚人，二十岁左右搬到英国，如今近六十岁在英国生活了约四十年，口音中依然带着鲜明的尼日利亚特色。Vinh 解释道，口音往往与深层的**身份认同（Identity）**紧紧相连。许多人潜意识里并不想失去与故土、与根源的连接，因而终其一生都不会改变自己的音色。
然而，现实社会对非标准语调的歧视依然十分残酷。研究表明，使用非标准语言变体（例如非裔美国人白话英语 AAVE）的群体，在智力与能力评价上往往遭受负面偏见，甚至在租房机会、法律诉讼结果等现实层面承受严峻的不公待遇。Vinh 强调，正因为这种现实不公的存在，弱势群体更需要通过极致的吐字发音来打破偏见，用无懈可击的清晰表达展现自身的才华与智慧。
- **CIPD 2006 年调研数据**：76% 的雇主承认存在基于口音的雇佣偏见。
- **语言偏见的现实代价**：研究证实非标准语调使用者在职场晋升、智力评价、房屋租赁及法庭裁决上面临系统性劣势。
- **口音与文化纽带**：保留原生口音往往是出于对个人出身与文化归属的坚守。
---
### [01:24:55](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=5095s) 打破“竹子天花板”：卓越到他人无法忽视
谈及针对少数族裔的偏见，Vinh 回忆起自己刚踏入职业演讲行业时的经历。当时身边的亚裔同行纷纷劝退他，警告他这个行业是“白发白人男性的天下”，更指着当时染着一头金发的他直言：“这里有一道**竹子天花板（Bamboo Ceiling）**，那是亚裔跨不过去的玻璃顶。”在很长一段时间里，由于相信了“竹子天花板”的存在，Vinh 甚至连争取《财富》世界 500 强企业演讲机会的勇气都没有。
转折点来自著名喜剧演员史蒂夫·马丁（Steve Martin）的一句名言：“**优秀到让他们无法忽视你（Be so good they can't ignore you）**。”Vinh 彻底醒悟并决定不再理会所谓的标签与天花板。他用大力胶将几个 GoPro 运动相机绑在一起，从每一个微小的动作、每一分钟的舞台表现入手，死磕演讲技艺。当他不再自我设限，他的事业迎来了爆发式增长。
从一个在南澳大利亚阿德莱德北部郊区、曾因不会说英语而频繁遭遇霸凌、被迫转学 5 次的边缘移民男孩，到如今各大跨国企业争相支付数百万酬劳邀请他演讲、向他学习如何说话。Vinh 感慨，自我限制的标签往往比外界的阻碍更具杀伤力；当你拒绝承认天花板的存在并死磕技艺时，那些虚妄的限制便会不攻自破。
---
### [01:27:13](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=5233s) 二十五年后的道歉与即兴应对之道
随着 Vinh 的影响力与日俱增，他甚至迎来了意想不到的“救赎时刻”。童年时，曾有霸凌者尾随并偷走了他心爱的 BMX 小轮车——那辆价值 280 澳元、带有特技火箭筒的车，是他的父母在 20 世纪 90 年代辛辛苦苦打工数月才给他买下的珍贵礼物。车被偷走让他心碎不已。令人唏嘘的是，25 年后，当年的霸凌者在社交网络上看到了如今功成名就的 Vinh，主动发来私信向他郑重道歉。虽然那辆车没能要回来，但这声迟到了四分之一个世纪的道歉，抚平了 Vinh 心中积压多年的创伤。
面对职场与生活中普遍存在的恶霸、出言不逊或冷嘲热讽的人，Steven 追问应当如何利用沟通技巧进行反制与化解。Vinh 给出的破局方案来自即兴戏剧（Improv）的黄金法则——**“是的，而且……”（Yes, and...）**。
当他人施加攻击或冷嘲热讽时，绝大多数人的第一反应是正面反驳、反抗，这反而会激化冲突、落入对方的陷阱。Vinh 的做法恰恰相反：**不反驳，而是以幽默、自嘲的方式顺着对方的话往下接，甚至夸张放大对方的观点**。通过这种看似顺从实则戏谑的即兴化解方式，施暴者预期的攻击落空，紧张对抗的气氛瞬间被消解，主动权反而重新回到了自己手中。
### [01:29:15](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=5355s) “是的，而且……”技术：放下自负化解冲突与霸凌
当面对言语攻击或批评时，最有效的反击往往不是针锋相对，而是彻底抽走对方立足的支点。如果有人当面骂道：“你真是个白痴。”最好的回应反而是顺水推舟：“是啊，我有时候确实挺笨拙的，我自己也清楚。”对方瞬间就会无所适从、哑口无言。假若对方继续挑衅：“对，你真的很蠢。”你可以坦然接话：“你可算说对了，我做创业者这么多年，干过的蠢事实在太多了。要是你全看见了，我真得找个地缝钻进去。”
这种即兴戏剧中经典的“是的，而且……”（Yes, and）技术，其核心逻辑在于先承认对方所说的话，随后在对方的表述上继续添砖加瓦。比如直接回应：“是的，你说得对，我有时确实像个笨蛋。”这套方法必须建立在“放下自负”（remove your ego）的前提之上，因为人无完人，每个人都有瑕疵，唯有接纳自身的不完美才能泰然处之。Steven Bartlett 提出疑问：这样做难道不是在“让对方赢”吗？Vinh Giang 指出，这完全取决于你如何定义“赢”。对他而言，真正的胜利是不被对方的情绪鱼钩所勾住，绝不陷入无谓的自我防卫。他引用了来自 Theodore Roosevelt、并经常被 Brené Brown 提及的“竞技场名言”：“如果你没有和我一起在竞技场里奋力拼搏，我对你的评价和反馈根本不感兴趣。”
```mermaid
flowchart TD
accTitle: 沟通冲突应对路径对比
accDescr: 展示遇到挑衅或质疑时采取是的而且与采取是的但是带来的不同结果
A["遭遇批评/言语冲突"] --> B["常规防御: '是的，但是...' (Yes, but)"]
A --> C["放下自负: '是的，而且...' (Yes, and)"]
subgraph Negative["负向对抗循环"]
B --> D["全盘否定对方立场"]
D --> E["脑部神经连接关闭 / 激起对抗防御"]
end
subgraph Positive["正向协作与降温"]
C --> F["承认对方观点，在其基础上延展"]
F --> G["消除摩擦与火药味 / 建立对话新支点"]
end
```
---
### [01:30:14](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=5414s) “绝不反驳”定律：商业谈判与投资路演中的“Yes, But”陷阱
Steven 结合自身在商业真人秀《龙穴》（Dragon's Den）中的经历发问：每年 Den 都会迎来上百位创业者进行商业路演，面对五位投资人（Dragons）连珠炮式的严厉拷问与质询，他们究竟该如何应对？Vinh Giang 强调，“是的，而且”（Yes, and）的反面是极具破坏力的“是的，但是……”（Yes, but）。以销售业务为例，当潜在客户抱怨价格太高时，如果销售说：“是的，但是我们之所以昂贵，是因为我们投入了大量的研发经费（R&D），软件也在不断迭代。”这一声“但是”，瞬间就将谈话带入了负面对抗的轨道。“但是”的潜台词是：“无论你说什么，我都要予以否定，并强行向你灌输我对现实的认知。”相比之下，若换成“是的，而且”，效果截然不同：“是的，Steven，而且正是因为这个原因，我们才在研发上投入重金，确保给您带来更高的回报。”
Steven 深有共鸣地表示，在《龙穴》里他屡屡看到一些创业者在被质询时不停反驳“对，但是……但是……”，直接让投资人的抵触情绪飙升。这与神经科学家 Tali Sharot 在其播客中分享的脑科学实验如出一辙：当把两人置于脑部扫描仪中时，一旦双方达成一致，他们的大脑神经通路就会被点亮；而一旦双方出现分歧与争辩，被试者的大脑区域几乎瞬间“断电熄灯”。因此 Tali Sharot 提出了沟通的一大法则：“绝不反驳”（Never disagree）。虽然字面上看起来违背常理，但这正是“Yes, and”的精髓所在——哪怕面对极具攻击性的评价（例如“你的内容太烂了”），只要真诚地回应“是的，而且我也知道我们有些内容确实没有达到预期水平，毕竟我也是普通人”，双方对立的摩擦力便立刻消散，原本可能爆发的怒火根本无从燃起。
---
### [01:32:50](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=5570s) 高低水牛法则（High Low Buffalo）：开启深度交谈的三根绳索
随着现代社会全面数字化，与他人开展一场有意义的面对面对话变得愈发困难，甚至成了一件需要巨大勇气的事情。针对如何打破坚冰、告别索然无味的寒暄，Vinh Giang 分享了一套源自即兴表演的互动游戏——“高低水牛”（High Low Buffalo）：
- **高点（High）**：分享一件目前进展非常顺利、让自己开心的好事。
- **低点（Low）**：分享一件目前不那么顺利、正在挣扎的难处或挑战。
- **水牛（Buffalo）**：分享一个关于自己的冷门趣事或古怪事实。
为了展示这个工具的魅力，两人在现场直接进行了示范：
- **Vinh 的回合**：
- **High**：正在录制《The Diary Of A CEO》播客，这对他来说是一段极其美妙的经历。
- **Low**：在目前的人生阶段正困惑于“究竟何为足够”（what is enough），在追求事业扩张与适可而止之间苦苦挣扎。
- **Buffalo**：自己在一片农场庄园（acreage）上生活，家里养了三只羊驼（alpacas）。
- **Steven 的回合**：
- **High**：非常享受当下的对谈，从中汲取到了许多新知。
- **Low**：近期在健身房锻炼的频率远未达到预期，因为录制日程密集且晚上还要加班，平衡感被彻底打乱，还要艰难地从中挤压时间维系私人亲密关系。
- **Buffalo**：正在备战马拉松比赛，尽管自己目前连报名的手续都还没办。
Vinh 阐述道，该游戏最核心的价值在于抛出了三根“对话线索”（conversational threads）。这套方法特别适合用于那些在职场中共事了数月甚至数年、但交谈始终停留在表面“嗨”一声的同事。很多人痛恨自己的工作，本质上是因为在职场中感受不到与人的真实连接。只要拿出勇气走到同事面前，半开玩笑地介绍这套规则并邀请对方参与，就能瞬间为彼此创造出多重深入交流的切入点；这与尴尬生硬的闲聊（例如一句枯燥的“你看了 MrBeast 的最新视频吗？没看？那好吧”）有着天壤之别。
### [01:36:40](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=5800s) 创造对话的引子：从“高低野牛”到双向交流线索
许多人在社交中常陷入一种困境：在黑暗中胡乱开一枪，随口抛出单个话题，一旦对方没有接住，对话立刻陷入尴尬的死寂。Vinh Giang 解释，运用类似“高低野牛”（High Low Buffalo）的沟通框架之所以极其奏效，是因为它不是单方面的试探，而是为彼此同时创造了充足的交流契机。通过分享低谷、高峰与新奇事物，双方不仅各给出三个切入点，更在空气中织就了整整六条可以顺藤摸瓜的对话线索。
这种分享机制在心理层面上打破了隔阂。Steven Bartlett 兴奋地打趣说，自己回到伦敦办公室后一定要抓着同事们玩“高低野牛”。因为这个过程不仅需要展现适度的脆弱，促使人们坦白自己当下最兴奋的事情，还会不经意间揭示出意想不到的惊喜——例如突然发现平日严肃的同事竟然正在备战马拉松。一旦话题被点燃，交流就会自然演变成充满鼓舞的互动，彻底告别干瘪客套的无效社交。
---
### [01:37:14](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=5834s) 商业赞助：PerfectTed 抹茶与 Whoop 智能健康手环
在访谈间隙，Steven Bartlett 介绍了两款由他个人注资并深度使用的产品。首先是抹茶品牌 PerfectTed，他在该品牌投资了超过七位数。该品牌如今已进驻 Blank Street Coffee 以及 Joe & the Juice 等全球连锁咖啡馆。其选用的抹茶产自日本，达到仪式级（ceremonial grade）水准，口感顺滑且自带天然甘甜，完全褪去了传统低端抹茶苦涩草腥的质感。消费者不仅可以在英国的 Tesco、Sainsbury's、Holland & Barrett、Waitrose，荷兰的 Albert Heijn，以及美国亚马逊购买，还可通过官方网站获得居家冲泡粉末并享受首单优惠。
随后，Steven 分享了他对运动追踪品牌 Whoop 的投资与日常体验。他最近将跑步发展成了日常习惯，但真正的进步不仅在于拼命苦练，更在于更聪明地训练。Whoop 能在运动开始前依据身体的恢复评分精确告知身体负荷状态。在此前开展的 "Project PR" 研究中，根据恢复评分科学调整训练计划的跑者，其 5 公里成绩平均提升了 2 分 40 秒，同时运动损伤风险降低了 30% 以上，而他们实际的训练总量甚至有所减少。
- **PerfectTed 抹茶**：产自日本的仪式级品质，消除传统抹茶的苦涩草味，官网结账使用优惠码 `Steven 40` 可享首单六折（40% off）。
- **Whoop 科学训练**：Project PR 研究证实，依循恢复评分训练可让跑者 5 公里配速提升 2 分 40 秒，伤病率下降超 30%，提供 30 天无条件免费试用。
---
### [01:39:21](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=5961s) 掌握闲聊的艺术：3-2-1 极简框架与打破地位审视的提问
闲聊并非无足轻重的寒暄，而是人际关系的基石。牛津大学的一项研究表明，多达 55% 的职业与个人关系最初都建立在闲聊和随意互动之上；《哈佛商业评论》亦指出，职场中 80% 的沟通都包含某种形式的闲聊。然而，许多人并不擅长应对闲聊，往往要么无话可说，要么把轻松的寒暄开成沉重冗长的研讨会。为此，Vinh 向学员传授了一套便于随时调用的 "3-2-1" 结构：
```mermaid
flowchart LR
accTitle: 3-2-1 闲聊收尾框架
accDescr: 闲聊时为了避免过度深入，从三个步骤、两种类型或一个核心点中选择其一切入并顺势收尾。
A["开启闲聊与提问"] --> B{"3-2-1 极简框架"}
B --> C["3 个步骤<br>(Three steps)"]
B --> D["2 种类型<br>(Two types)"]
B --> E["1 个核心<br>(The one thing)"]
C --> F["高价值交付 + 礼貌收尾/合影离场"]
D --> F
E --> F
```
当在活动或偶遇中有人向你请教某个宏大命题时，脑海中只需调出“这件事情有 3 个步骤”、“这其实分为 2 种类型”，或者“关于它最核心的 1 件事是……”。例如面对“如何打造个人品牌”的询问，切忌长篇大论列出八条规划，只需直接回应：“如果此时我只能分享一条建议，那就是保持极度的一致性。”随后顺势合影、道别。这套认知模型让回答既干货满满，又能轻盈地全身而退。
而在主动开启闲聊时，备好几个“口袋问题”至关重要。Vinh 最推崇的开场白是：“你平时空闲时间都喜欢做些什么？”相比于烂大街的“你是做什么工作的”，业余生活的话题能立刻打开生动有趣的大门。因为询问职业往往在潜意识中带有“评估你处于社会地位阶层（status hierarchy）哪一级”的功利色彩，容易让人设防；而询问闲暇爱好，则能让对方卸下防备，展现真实的自我。
---
### [01:41:42](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=6102s) 职场总被别人打断？提升存在感、站立发言与前置设定规则
许多人在工作中常常抱怨自己总被同事无礼打断，甚至由此产生严重的挫败感。然而 Vinh 直言，被打断往往不是因为别人天性粗鲁，而是源于发言者自身极低的声音存在感（vocal presence）与身体存在感（physical presence）。如果一个人低着头、声音细若游丝、肢体蜷缩，旁人潜意识里就会觉得插话毫无阻力；相反，一个音量充沛、善用能量场手势的说话者，旁人极难插嘴。
要彻底根治被抢话的毛病，Vinh 给出了立竿见影的实操技巧：
- **开会时站立发言**：在全员坐着的会议桌上，站起身来陈述观点会瞬间拉满物理存在感。人们几乎从不打断一个站立发言的人。许多人害怕使用“停顿”是担心留白会被人插话，但只要你处于站立姿态，那段沉默就会被全场解读为“制造深思效果的有力留白”，发言权依然牢牢握在你的手中。
- **理解打断者的心理**：在打断别人的人群中，99% 的人并不是出于恶意，他们只是急于表达、渴望为团队“贡献价值”；只有 1% 的人是不懂尊重、单纯想抢夺焦点的惯犯。
- **前置设定规则（Prime the conversation）**：面对前者，最成熟的做法是在发言前做好前置铺垫：“各位，接下来我想完整分享这个方案。请给我 5 分钟时间，讲完后我非常期待听取大家的反馈。这样可以吗？”一旦获得全员点头首肯，就建立了社交契约。如果此时仍有人忍不住插话，发言者便能温和而坚定地控场：“谢谢你，但我还没讲完。”并顺理成章地拿回话语权。
### [01:44:17](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=6257s) 声音与肢体语言的镜像同步（Matching and Mirroring）
对话在探讨职场打断技巧后，转向了建立人际共鸣的核心策略。Steven Bartlett 询问，面对他人的声音与肢体特征，是否应当通过“镜像模仿（mirroring）”来拉近距离并建立共鸣。Vinh Giang 明确指出，这是快速建立亲和力（rapport）最有效的方式之一。大多数人都熟悉肢体语言层面的镜像法则——当对方动作幅度大时，你也用舒展大方的动作回应，双方会自然感到连结；然而，极少有人意识到这种镜像技巧同样适用于“声音”。
```mermaid
flowchart LR
accTitle: 声音镜像与引导流程图
accDescr: 展示从初步同频同步到引导对方情绪开放的三个沟通阶段。
subgraph Phase1 ["1. 初始同频"]
A["观察对方能量与语调<br/>（谨慎/内敛）"] --> B["声音镜像同步<br/>（放低音量与节奏）"]
end
subgraph Phase2 ["2. 建立安全感"]
B --> C["打破紧张防线<br/>（幽默自嘲/平易近人）"]
end
subgraph Phase3 ["3. 情绪引导"]
C --> D["逐步提升能量<br/>（提出深度好问题）"]
D --> E["对方走出自我防备<br/>（深入走心交流）"]
end
```
Vinh 分享了自己在演讲舞台下的真实体会。每当完成一场气势磅礴的演讲后，台下常有神情怯生生的观众走上前来夸赞演说精彩。如果此时他依然保持台上高亢激昂的演说家能量回应（例如大声喊道：“太感谢你过来了！非常感谢！”），对方往往会被吓退并感到不知所措。
因此，Vinh 会主动匹配对方的声音基调，压低音量、放慢语速，温和地回应：“嗨，太感谢你特地过来跟我打招呼。我知道有时候跑来见我们这种人会有点让人紧张，但别担心，我们放屁一样是臭的，大家都是普通人。”
关键法则在于：**在对方所在的情绪与能量层面上接纳他们，然后再逐步引导他们前往你想去的地方**（"Meet them where they are, and then take them to where you want to go"）。当对方因同频而感到放松安全后，Vinh 会慢慢加大能量并抛出问题，引导对方打开心扉，对方就会像施了魔法一样逐渐走出内向防线，展开真正的深度沟通。
---
### [01:45:44](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=6344s) 深度破冰工具：F-O-R-D 模型与脆弱的力量
为了避免闲聊陷入千篇一律的尴尬，Vinh 介绍了长效对话的经典框架——**FORD 框架**。大多数人在职场或社交活动中，习惯性地只围绕“职业/工作（O）”发问，开口就是“你是做什么的？”，这往往让人感到索然无味且防备心强。通过拓展对话维度，可以创造截然不同的交流质感：
* **F (Family)**：家庭生活与亲人关系。
* **O (Occupation)**：职业背景与工作经历。
* **R (Recreation)**：休闲爱好与生活乐趣。
* **D (Dreams)**：未来的梦想、抱负与内心渴望。
Vinh 强调，像管理思想家西蒙·斯涅克（Simon Sinek）那样探寻对方的“梦想是什么？”，具有极强的穿透力。这是一个能让对方陷入停顿并深刻思考的问题，有时会触及内心的痛苦与遗憾，有时则能开启充满共鸣的美好对话。
这种深度对话的关键在于展现“脆弱（vulnerability）”。Steven 回忆起 Vinh 刚才坦诚自己曾因杂事缠身而感到不堪重负时的情景，那一刻他深感 Vinh 的真实与接地气：“那一瞬间我内心产生了一种转变，意识到原来他也是个普通人。”Vinh 赞同道，坦承自己的无助与不顺需要极大的勇气，听众在听到这种暴露脆弱的言辞时往往会下意识地为发言者捏一把汗，但只要勇敢跨出这一步，就能彻底击碎隔阂，向对方证明自己是个有血有肉、同样会遭遇挫折的真实人类。
---
### [01:47:27](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=6447s) 跨文化沟通的雷区与演说教训
针对跨文化环境下的沟通法则，两人展开了探讨。Steven 提到英国文化普遍更为保守内敛，观众在不同文化背景下对同一套沟通方式的反馈截然不同。Vinh 对此表示绝对赞同：沟通技巧绝不能生搬硬套，必须叠加文化敏感度（cultural nuance）。
典型案例是美国风格的励志演讲家进入澳大利亚市场。澳大利亚人与英国人一样，骨子里带有极强的审视与怀疑精神（skeptical）。如果美国讲师一上台就大喊大叫：“所有人站起来！让我们燥起来！”，澳洲观众往往会双手抱胸、冷眼旁观，心想：“老兄，这才刚开场，我们可不吃这一套。”
Vinh 坦诚自己在跨文化沟通上也曾踩过惨痛的雷区：
* **自食恶果的刻板口音模仿**：在他的经典演讲桥段中，曾有一段向父亲坦白想放弃会计师专业、转行做魔术师的经历。在西方演讲时，他会夸张地模仿父亲浓重亚洲口音质问“你难道想去当哈利·波特吗？”，每次都能引得全场哄堂大笑。
* **遭遇全场冷场的滑铁卢**：当他把这套表演原封不动搬到亚洲各地的舞台时，台下一片死寂，毫无笑声。
* **冒犯观众与反噬**：当他在台上汗流浃背时，才猛然意识到亚洲本土观众不仅不觉得好笑，反而认为他在刻意丑化与讽刺亚洲口音（taking the piss）。观众的情绪瞬间反转为敌意。
Vinh 总结道，进入任何新文化环境之前，必须深入调研并理解当地的文化常模（cultural norms）。尽管犯错令人难堪，但这正是认知升级必须付出的试错代价。
---
### [01:49:10](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=6550s) 为什么我们讨厌自己的声音与镜像：骨传导与脱敏训练
许多人极其厌恶听到自己的录音或在录像镜头中看到自己。Steven 提到自己小时候在普利茅斯（Plymouth）用盒式磁带录下自己的声音，播放出来时完全无法相信那是自己，甚至以为录音机坏了；更因此误以为自己唱歌很好听，回放后才发现不堪入耳。Vinh 从声学与解剖学角度揭示了这一现象背后的物理原理：
| 传播介质 | 声波传导途径 | 声音感知特征 | 心理预期与实际反差 |
|:--- |:--- |:--- |:--- |
| **自我发声时的内听觉** | 通过头部骨骼、肌肉与软组织传导（骨传导） | 介质密度高，低频共振丰富，听起来深沉、富有磁性（“听起来像 Barry White”） | 让人盲目自信，误以为自己的声线自带浑厚低音质感 |
| **他人听到的外听觉 / 录音回放** | 声音从嘴巴喷出，通过空气介质传播（空气传导） | 空气密度远低于骨骼肌肉，高频衰减少，听起来明显偏高、偏薄且干瘪 | 播放录音时产生强烈心理落差，下意识觉得刺耳、陌生并引发尴尬反感 |
这种心理抗拒与人们“讨厌在镜头中看到自己”如出一辙：人们一生都在通过镜子观察自己的镜像面孔，而摄像机拍出的画面是未反转的真实外貌。两边脸颊的微小不对称会立刻触发大脑的违和感。
克服这种不适感唯一的科学方法就是**脱敏训练（Desensitization）**。Steven 坦言自己现在虽然谈不上热爱自己的声音，但经常录播客已经彻底听习惯了，不再感到尴尬发怵。Vinh 强调，反复“录音并复盘（record and review）”是公众表达训练中最立竿见影的动作。
在完成自我录像和审视后，只要挑选并修正其中最核心的三个维度——**丰富语调旋律（melody）、提升音量自信（volume）、放大肢体语言（larger body language）**——个人的表达气质与气场就会脱胎换骨，仿佛瞬间换了一个全新的人。
### [01:51:24](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=6684s) 沟通的档位：内向与外向的真正区别
大多数人在人际互动中往往只习惯使用“单一档位”，将同一种沟通方式机械地套用到所有场合，这种做法收效甚微。真正的沟通高手应该像驾驶汽车一样，拥有并自如切换不同的档位。针对大众常常纠结的“内向与外向”之争，Vinh 分享了自己声乐老师曾给出的深刻比喻。当时 Vinh 问老师内向者和外向者在发声与沟通上究竟有何不同，老师没有直接作答，而是反问他：“之前我带你去看音乐会，台上的钢琴家如果是外向者，他弹琴的方式会有所不同吗？如果是内向者，弹法又会不同吗？”
Vinh 回答说自己毫无头绪。老师告诉他，演奏本身是完全一样的，他们都只是在操弄自己的乐器。内向者与外向者唯一的实质差别在于能量的来源与消耗：
- **内向者在社交互动中会消耗能量**：因此在投入精力为他人演奏“声音这门乐器”时，必须格外谨慎而专注地分配精力。
- **外向者能够从社交中获得能量**：他们可以连续很长时间处于外放的表达状态。
- **核心在于主动选择**：内向绝不意味着“因为我是内向者，我就只能用微弱、无精打采的声音说话”；无论是谁，关键都在于有意识地选择何时去倾注能量、把乐器演奏得动听动人。
---
### [01:52:36](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=6756s) 社交焦虑、脱敏训练与魔法道具的“拐杖”
许多人深受严重社交焦虑的困扰，置身于社交场合时甚至会引发濒临恐慌发作（panic attack）的躯体反应，并深信自己永远无法改变。Vinh 指出，打破这种困境的核心在于“渐进式脱敏”（ exposure therapy，暴露疗法）。他坦白自己当年也是极度焦虑的一员，他之所以学习魔术，本质上是因为内心深处觉得自己毫无价值、平平无奇。
当时的他认为，只有掌握一门酷炫的绝活，自己才能拥有价值并被他人认可。当他手里拿着一副扑克牌表演时，所有人都赞叹他太棒了，这让他误以为自己真的变得很优秀。然而，一旦有天忘记带牌出门，置身于真实的社交互动中，那层虚幻的外衣瞬间剥落，他立刻被打回原形，意识到“原来我自己本身并不厉害”。魔术在很长一段时间里成了他社交的“拐杖”——在任何交谈开始前，他都必须先给别人变个魔术，否则就会彻底丧失自信，觉得自己无话可说。这也是为什么他如今极力推崇沟通技巧本身，因为依赖外在道具永远无法治愈内心的匮乏。
---
### [01:53:55](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=6835s) 尤克里里与情境自信：将沟通能力变成无法剥夺的本能
为了进一步解释这种心理机制，Vinh 讲述了自己 13 岁上八年级（初中夏令营）时的一段往事。当时他有个叫 Kevin 的挚友，两人过去之所以关系铁，是因为他们都极度羞怯、绝不敢主动跟女生搭话，并在这种共同的无能中建立起深厚的安全感。然而在夏令营的篝火晚会旁，Kevin 却打破了这一“默契”——他弹起尤克里里，如鱼得水地吸引了女生们的注意。目睹好友成为全场焦点，被抛弃感和背叛感让 13 岁的 Vinh 气愤地冲回营地木屋。
但戏剧性的是，第二天早晨在食堂，昨晚风光无限的 Kevin 却形单影只地独自坐在一张餐桌旁吃早餐，昨晚的万人迷光环荡然无存。Vinh 当时百思不得其解，直到多年后结合自己玩纸牌的经历，才恍然大悟：这就是所谓的“情境自信”（Contextual Confidence）。
```mermaid
flowchart TD
accTitle: 情境自信与底层沟通能力的对比
accDescr: 对比依赖外部工具/特定话题的情境自信与掌握内在沟通技能后的全情境自信
subgraph External["依赖外物的虚假自信"]
A["依赖外部道具或特定话题\n（如扑克牌、乐器、小众领域）"] --> B["在特定情境下展现自信"]
B --> C["一旦脱离道具或话题\n自信崩塌，重回社交焦虑"]
end
subgraph Internal["扎根于自身的底层沟通力"]
D["掌握声音韵律、肢体语言与故事力"] --> E["技能随时随地与自身融为一体\n（无法被遗忘在家中）"]
E --> F["在人生的每一个情境中\n都具备稳定持久的自信"]
end
```
许多人自认是不擅沟通的社交恐惧者，但在聊到特定嗜好或擅长领域时，整个人却会突然容光焕发、口若悬河。然而，一旦把自信建立在外部工具上，离了道具就会瘫痪。相反，如果一个人苦练自己的声音、肢体语言以及讲故事与人连接的能力，这些技能是“无法被忘在家里”的。它们会像影子一样如影随形，从而让人在人生的任何场合与情境下，都拥有随时调动的真实自信。
---
### [01:55:42](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=6942s) 社交能量管理：把精力当作珍贵的“货币”
面对 Steven 询问高能量输出是否会导致回家后极度疲倦，Vinh 毫不犹豫地承认：“百分之百会。”高能量的表达并非天性自然流露，而是一种经过计算的“主动给予”。为了在下午 4 点的这期播客中呈现最佳状态，受时差困扰的 Vinh 当天整整一天都未迈出酒店房间半步，闭门蓄能。他的随行摄影师甚至一度担心他的精神状态，特意发消息让他走到窗边挥挥手以确认平安。
Steven 对此感同身受，坦言自己经常怀疑能量是否是有限的，每次录完播客进入现实生活，都会感到彻底被掏空。Vinh 强调，能量确实是有限供给的稀缺资源：
- **无形的能量交易**：过去他总是以“付出最低限度”的心态应付社交，后来才明白，人生中当你愿意给予更多能量时，你所收获的远超过金钱与时间的交换。
- **把能量当成社交货币**：在飞往录制现场的航班上，Vinh 并没有亮出自己拥有大量粉丝的网络博主身份，而是单纯觉得地勤人员平时应对了太多枯燥疲惫的旅客，于是主动投入精力、幽默地逗对方开怀大笑。这种真诚的能量流动不仅让对方心情大好，也让他出乎意料地获得了免费升舱。
- **精准蓄力与爆发**：掌握这套“人生作弊码”的人，会在平时懂得像守财一样储蓄能量，而在关键时刻倾囊相授，给对方最完美的当下。
---
### [01:58:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=7088s) 野心与家庭的撕裂：“何时才算足够？”
对话随后切入更深沉的人生哲思。Steven 提及 Vinh 先前谈到目前正面临一个困境——“到底赚到什么时候、做到多大才算足够？”随着个人品牌的飞速攀升、播客影响力的几何级扩张，巨大的势能带来了铺天盖地的商业机会，但同时也让这艘快艇变得越来越难以掌舵。
Steven 追问这种“挣扎”背后究竟是哪两股力量在撕扯。Vinh 坦言，这是一种非此即彼的互斥拉扯：
- **野心勃勃的创业者身份**：内心始终燃烧着渴望扩张事业、追求极致成功的企业家野心。
- **全面升级的父亲身份**：如今他不仅是个创业者，更是一个即将满一岁的女儿和一个即将满八岁的儿子的父亲。
- **两种身份的激烈对决**：这两股力量在当下都极其强大且互不相让，构成了他步入当下人生阶段以来从未经历过的剧烈内心冲突。
### [01:59:13](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=7153s) 成功与牺牲的拉扯，以及每半年的“重新校准”
Vinh Giang 谈到了父亲在他生命中犹如顶梁柱般的存在，然而在过去的岁月里，他自己为了追求事业，一年有长达 180 天都在外奔波，错过了儿子成长过程中的太多时光。他感慨自己曾经“喝了迷魂汤”（"drank the Kool-Aid"），天真地以为一个人可以拥有一切，直到现实给他上了一课：他从未找到两者兼得的办法，因为越是追求成功，紧随其后的便是等量的牺牲。如今他深刻意识到必须看清自己究竟愿意付出多大的代价来换取成功。更残酷的是，当他越发珍惜作为父亲的陪伴时，外部抛来的商业机遇反而越来越诱人、越来越庞大，这种内心的拉扯与推拉（push and pull）始终挥之不去。
为了在诱惑与家庭之间守住边界，Steven 询问他是否有决策框架。Vinh 透露，他每 6 个月就会与挚友 Ali Torabi（澳大利亚 Future Golf 公司的联合创始人之一）进行一次名为“重新校准”（Recalibrate）的闭门复盘：
```mermaid
flowchart TD
accTitle: 每半年一次的“重新校准”复盘机制
accDescr: 展示 Vinh Giang 与好友 Ali Torabi 每半年离开家庭几天，通过日记复盘过去半年的得失并调整下一个半年的生活决策。
subgraph Step1["准备阶段"]
A["向家庭请假<br/>（离家 3.5 天至 1 周）"]
B["调取过去 6 个月的日常日记"]
end
subgraph Step2["反思与归纳"]
C["审查至暗低谷<br/>（找出令人痛苦的决策）"]
D["梳理高光瞬间<br/>（记录带来幸福的体验）"]
end
subgraph Step3["下一阶段行动"]
E["设立禁区：<br/>杜绝重复痛苦行为"]
F["扩充清单：<br/>增加积极体验的比重"]
end
A --> B
B --> C
B --> D
C --> E
D --> F
```
两人会向家人请假，抽出三四天到一周的时间完全抽离出来，回顾与反省过去半年的生活方式和各项抉择。因为两人都有写日记的习惯，他们可以极其精准地复盘哪些事情在过去半年里让自己感觉糟糕透顶，从而在接下来的半年里坚决避免重蹈覆辙；而对于那些带来成就与幸福的事物，则列入“加码清单”，想办法在未来多做一些。虽然这种复盘机制为他筑起了一道防线，但事业与家庭之间的张力依然时刻存在。
### [02:01:06](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=7266s) 儿子的自闭症诊断与教学背后的真正野心
谈及自己内心的终极野心，Vinh 坦承职业生涯早期自己的动力非常自私且现实——就是想赚大钱，去体验物质世界带来的一切满足。直到 2017 年他的儿子 Xander 出生，一切发生了逆转。当时他们全家身在美国，初为人父人母的他们既无经验也缺乏社交圈子，生活极度闭塞，身边几乎没有任何其他孩子可以作为参考。直到一次全家与他的表姐及其丈夫（两人皆为心理学家）前往日本旅行，旅行进行到第一周时，表姐严肃地找他们谈话，郑重地告诉他们：“我们认为 Xander 患有自闭症。”
听到这个消息时，Vinh 陷入了极度的内疚与痛苦，他一度以为是因为自己常年在外出差，儿子才不愿与他建立情感联结。专业评估指出孩子不仅缺乏眼神交流，未来甚至可能无法开口说话。在人生最艰难的时刻，妻子的一番话点醒了他：“谱系障碍（自闭症）患者一生中最艰难的挑战，恰好是你最擅长的领域。你觉得他来到我们身边真的只是巧合吗？”
当时 Vinh 还没开始系统性地教授沟通技巧。但俗话说“教学相长”，教得越多，自己对领域的认知就越深。自此，他职业生涯中最大的野心变成了：**要把沟通教学磨炼到极致，从而帮助自己的儿子克服人生最大的难关**。这项坚持结出了惊人的果实：
- 曾经被担忧可能失语的儿子如今不仅能正常说话，还能主动给予眼神交流。
- 就在去年，当 Vinh 在坐满数百人的剧场授课时，儿子竟然径直走上舞台，拿起麦克风在众人面前问他：“爸爸，我能拿这本书吗？”这让全场观众为之动容。
- 这一壮举并非偶然，而是经过了 30 到 40 次的微步脱敏训练：从最初只敢站在剧场门外听爸爸的声音；到试着推开门远远看一眼；感到负荷过重就退出去；再一步一步走近舞台。Vinh 也借此深刻体会到，只要将庞大的沟通恐惧拆解为微小的行动步骤，任何人都能完成蜕变。
### [02:04:30](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=7470s) 逃离虚荣竞赛：父母放弃家产出家为僧
随后，话题转向了 Vinh 那位充满传奇色彩的父亲。Steven 提及他在做功课时了解到 Vinh 父亲与家族兄弟历经磨难的非凡过往，而如今他的父母双双剃度出家。Vinh 回忆起搬去美国前，父母坐在厨房餐桌旁向他抛出重磅炸弹的场景。父母平静地告诉他，他们决定出家为僧，因为他们玩够了金钱游戏与地位竞赛，那种生活让他们深感痛苦，唯有修行佛法多年才体会到了内心的宁静。
Vinh 见证了父辈那种被世俗攀比裹挟的痛苦：
- “叔叔买了一辆新车，我们家也必须买一辆；叔叔买了一栋双层大别墅，我们家也跟着买。”
- 甚至荒唐到家里买了一艘摩托艇（jet ski），却发现全家根本没有人拥有游艇驾照，只能放在家里落灰。
父亲这一辈作为从越南战争中逃离的难民，抵达澳大利亚时身无分文，完全白手起家：
- 最初一家人挤在三居室的屋子里，一间用来睡觉，其余两间全部摆满缝纫机日夜赶工做衣服。
- 白天缝纫结束后，全家就在院子里剥洋葱，剥完一整袋重达 20 公斤的洋葱只能换取微薄的 50 澳分。
- 他们把后院的每一寸土地都翻开种菜，拿到当地杂货店以每捆 10 澳分的价格出售；还会制作越南传统小吃（Bánh tét），以每个 50 澳分在家里售卖。
- 积累起微薄本金后，他们买下农场；随后意识到农夫必须把菜卖给批发商，批发商再转卖给超市，于是他们省吃俭用买下杂货店，打通了从“农场到货架”的全产业链。随后业务逐步扩张至药房、餐馆、外卖店，甚至涉足商业地产和住宅地产，创立了南澳最早的华人杂货超市之一。
然而，在积累了惊人财富后，父亲眼里的光芒却逐渐熄灭，沦为跟着亲戚盲目攀比的行尸走肉。餐桌对话那天，Vinh 从父母身上感受到了积压数十年的彻底耗竭。他起初甚至一度误以为父母是要提出离婚，随后才明白，父母真正想要剥离和告别的，是那个无休止消耗生命的虚名与财富泥潭。
### [02:07:37](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=7657s) 父母散尽家财出家，以及南澳静修中心的奇迹
当发现父母找到了真正的自由时，阮文明（Vinh Giang）由衷感叹道：“天啊，你一直深陷在那个令人精疲力竭的名利游戏中，而你之所以能找到解脱，是因为你对另一件事充满了向往——那就是出家为僧。”父母放下了红尘中的一切，放弃了所有的财富与产业，真正做到了“断舍离”。这反而让阮文明成了那个需要回头为父母提供所需支持的人。在他看来，父母留给自己最伟大的礼物，恰恰是“没有留下任何遗产”。他笑着坦承，自己当年曾非常想去争取：“能不能分我20%？我们能不能稍微分一点点？”然而父母的数百万财富没有落到他头上，反而守护住了他内心的斗志与冲劲，没有抹杀他的饥饿感。
随后，阮文明全心全意去支持父母的愿景。他在南澳买下了一块土地，帮助他们建立一座名为“Nang Mai”的静修中心。父亲并没有要宏伟的寺院，只要了一个极为简陋的棚子（Shed），并说：“谁愿意来帮忙把这个棚子搭起来，这里就是静修中心，无需更多奢华之物。”阮文明雇了挖掘机平整土地，当地越南裔社区的许多人也纷纷赶来帮忙。这里逐渐变成了一处繁花似锦、蔬菜满园且自给自足的世外桃源。许多经历过越战创伤、饱受创伤后应激障碍（PTSD）折磨却不自知的越南裔老人，纷纷来到这里寻求心灵的庇护。
```mermaid
flowchart TD
accTitle: 父亲在静修中心的疗愈过程
accDescr: 父亲如何通过双手劳作帮助经历丧子之痛的母亲走出精神创伤
subgraph Mind["头脑层面的痛苦"]
A["巨大的精神创伤<br/>（如丧子之痛、战后PTSD）"]
B["陷入无休止的悲痛与眼泪"]
end
subgraph Action["身体层面的行动"]
C["牵手漫步与陪伴倾听"]
D["走向菜园：双手劳作与采摘"]
E["走进厨房：共同烹饪食物"]
end
subgraph Healing["心灵层面的释怀"]
F["为未来的陌生人种下果树"]
G["从思维的旋涡转移到双手的宁静"]
H["重获力量与内心的庇护所"]
end
A --> B
B --> C
C --> D
D --> E
E --> F
F --> G
G --> H
```
最令阮文明震撼的，是他亲眼目睹父亲如何疗愈一位痛失爱子的母亲。那位女士哭着走进来，承受着人间极至的巨痛。父亲没有长篇大论地说教，只是走上前握住她的手，陪她在园子里散步，然后带着她一起下地劳作。他们一起翻土、种下作物、采摘果实，随后去厨房生火做饭。一天结束时，父亲轻声对她说：“你今天做了一件了不起的事。你种下的果树，或许等到它结果时你已经不在了，但未来的某个人会吃上甜美的果实。你今天种下了极大的善意。”目睹这一幕的阮文明深感震撼，事后问父亲是如何做到的，父亲平静地回答：“因为我只是在那一刻，把他们从纷乱的思绪中拉了出来，放进他们双手的劳作里，给他们片刻的安静。人们自己知道该如何走出痛苦，他们有时只是需要一片可以歇脚的树荫。”
- **断舍离的境界**：父母曾坐拥数百万资产，却在看透名利后彻底放弃所有世俗财富，皈依佛门。
- **清修之地 Nang Mai**：位于南澳大利亚（South Australia），成为许多经历过战争创伤和失去亲人的越南裔移民的心灵避难所。
- **父亲的转变**：阮文明承认自己最初是个不折不扣的怀疑论者，暗自怀疑父亲是不是在走极端、这是否只是一时兴起的一阵风。但多年过去，他从未见过父亲如此快乐、如此毫无执念（detached）与彻底自由。
---
### [02:11:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=7868s) 欲望有度的君王：终结无止境的“索求更多”
父亲对“无休止索取更多”的深刻领悟，最终将阮文明从近乎崩溃的美国巡回演讲生涯中拉了回来。当时他在美国的主题演讲事业如日中天，一年有200天漂泊在路上，每年做80场演讲。那是一个极易让人上瘾的行业，报酬极其丰厚，站在舞台上表演也带来巨大的成就感。然而，他内心却感到前所未有的孤独与痛苦。但在金钱的诱惑下，他一次次对妻子妥协：“亲爱的，没事的，我们就再拼一年，就一年。”
就在他深陷其中无法自拔时，父亲打来了一通越洋电话。父亲平时寡言少语，总是默默用行动表达支持，知道阮文明从小痴迷中世纪战争题材的影视作品，父亲便用一句寓意深长的话点醒了他：
> “深知欲望边界的君王，方能统治一生。”（A king that knows the limits to his desires will rule a lifetime.）
父亲解释说，那些整天妄图征服更多土地、吞并更多版图的国王，最终的下场往往是身死国灭；而只有清楚自己欲望边界的君主，才能享有长治久安的人生。这句话如雷贯耳，彻底击碎了阮文明的盲目执念。他当即决定放弃如日中天的全美演讲巡演，举家搬回南澳的阿德莱德（Adelaide）。当时他的澳洲经纪人甚至难以理解地追问：“你难道不能退一步，搬到墨尔本或悉尼吗？你竟然要去阿德莱德？”但阮文明清楚，自己的钟摆此前荡得太极端，必须彻底回摆。他终于明白，过去以为“必须留在南加州才能做出一番大事业、成为人上人”的想法，不过是自己强加的虚妄幻象。
- **巡演代价**：每年200天离家在外、80场高强度演说，虽然换来了高昂收入，却带来了深重的孤独感，以及与年幼儿子相处时间的缺失。
- **欲望的界限**：过度的野心就如同不断对外扩张的征服者，最终反噬自身；唯有划定界限，才不会在追求“更多”的漩涡中毁掉家庭与精神生活。
---
### [02:13:36](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=8016s) 撕掉固化身份的标签，学会真正地“放手”
面对斯蒂芬·巴特利特（Steven Bartlett）出示的一张自己童年时期的旧照片，阮文明凝视着那个曾经的自己，形容那个孩子当时“极度渴望获得关注，内心深切而绝望，感到无边的孤独”。因为童年时期频繁搬家，他先后辗转读了五所学校，当同龄人结伴升入大学时，他身边几乎没有长久的朋友。
当被问及如果能穿越时空回到过去，会对那个孤独的小男孩耳语些什么时，阮文明回答道：“我会告诉他，不要对你当下的身份如此执念。不要死死守着自己塑造出来的这一层外壳。不仅外人会试图把你困在这个模子里，你自己更是那个囚禁自己的人。你总在抱怨外界，说是别人阻碍了你成为理想中的自己；但事实并非如此，真正阻碍你走向未来的，正是你自己。学会放手（Just let go），放下当下的那个自我。”
谈到人们为什么如此顽固地执着于痛苦的现状与旧身份，阮文明指出，这是因为“熟悉感”（familiarity）让人产生安全错觉。即便现实糟糕透顶，它依然让人感到习惯与安全，就像“家”一样。他进一步用自己对“家”的认知变迁作为类比：起初他觉得家只是索尔兹伯里唐斯（Salisbury Downs）那个小社区；随后扩大到阿德莱德，再到南澳、整个澳大利亚；后来住到了美国，家变成了美国；而随着视野的不断扩展与自我执念的放手，“家”的定义最终延伸成了整个世界。
- **身份执念的牢笼**：许多人陷入迷茫与不快乐，是因为他们仍在费尽心力去实现“过去的自己”所定下的目标，却从不曾停下脚步倾听“当下的自己”真正需要什么。
- **定期校准（Recalibrate）**：阮文明每年都会与好友阿里（Ali）进行定期休整与复盘旅行，目的就是从盲目的惯性动作中抽离，确保当下的每一个行动都忠于现在的自己。
### [02:16:27](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=8187s) 跨出舒适圈与观众心中的终极疑问
谈到曾经在索尔兹伯里唐斯（Salisbury Downs）的生活，Vinh Giang 感慨对过去的自己而言，“家”仅仅代表一种熟悉感，而当时那个家容纳的只是一个格局极其受限的自己，他甚至一度害怕走出去探索外面的世界。
随后，Steven Bartlett 提出了一个深层问题：在探讨了如此多的沟通技巧后，究竟还有什么是今天未曾涉及、但对观众而言最至关重要的？如果荧幕前的观众正对着屏幕呐喊，他们最迫切想要得到解答的问题会是什么？
Vinh Giang 敏锐地指出，观众心中最大的顾虑往往在于实践落地：“我分享了这么多声音的运用技巧和肢体语言的调整方法，观众在家里肯定会喊：‘如果我今晚突然对着伴侣用这套，他们肯定会吓坏并质问——你到底在搞什么鬼？’”为了避免这种因突兀改变带来的尴尬与阻力，必须建立一套循序渐进的践行流程。
```mermaid
flowchart TD
accTitle: 沟通改变落地实施流程
accDescr: 展示从使用中立耳朵进行外部练习，到对亲友同事进行沟通铺垫的落地闭环。
subgraph Practice ["第一阶段：外部低风险演练"]
A["寻找中立耳朵<br/>(加油站/超市等陌生场景)"] --> B["大胆测试新行为<br/>(调节音量/旋律/手势)"]
B --> C["磨合细节消除不自然感<br/>(如同练习萨克斯管)"]
end
subgraph Priming ["第二阶段：亲友同频铺垫"]
C --> D["提前沟通与铺垫<br/>(主动坦白改变初衷)"]
D --> E["邀请对方共同参与与鼓励<br/>(将防备转化为支持)"]
end
```
---
### [02:17:36](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=8256s) “中立耳朵”法则：如何在零评判环境中磨合新行为
针对改变带来的心理负担，Vinh 提出了“中立耳朵”（Neutral Ears）这一核心概念：
* **定义与优势**：“中立耳朵”指的是那些对你的声音特征、沟通习惯没有任何先入为主印象的陌生人。现实生活中这种对象无处不在——去加油站加油的店员、超市的收银员等。在他们面前，你完全没有过往人设的包袱，他们不知道你平时手势幅度有多大、也不清楚你说话是大声还是轻柔。
* **安全测试新习惯**：面对熟人时，对方的一个异样眼神就可能瞬间将你打回原形；而在“中立耳朵”面前尝试新习惯，由于没有既往偏见的负面审判，能够帮助这些新行为更快地内化成自然反应，给予你展现脆弱与自由探索的安全空间。
* **建立每日练习指标（KPI）**：
* 给自己定一个明确的日常小目标，比如故意去一家离家稍远的加油站，在陌生人面前演练更大的音量与更生动的语调。
* 现场示范：平时说话细声细气的人，可以精神饱满地推门走进去说：“嘿，进门前先问一下，你们这儿有带花生的巧克力吗？有啊？太棒了，我这就去拿！”
* 像初学萨克斯管一样接受最初的生硬与笨拙，反复在实践中微调，直到找到最舒服的掌控感。
对于身边的伴侣或亲近同事，则需要采取“提前铺垫”（Priming）的策略。不要毫无征兆地换上一副全新面孔吓到家人，而是真诚坦白：“亲爱的，我这辈子说话一直都很轻声细语。但我现在想把更好、更充沛的自己展现给你和孩子们。如果接下来你看到我在练习音量或语调的起伏，能不能多鼓励我、支持我？甚至我们可以一起练习。”这种真诚的沟通能将他人的困惑瞬间转变为情感支持。
---
### [02:19:50](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=8390s) 无法证实却深信不疑的真理：协商你想要的现实
进入节目的传统闭门提问环节，前一位嘉宾留下的未知提问是：“有什么事情是你无法证实，但内心深信不疑的真理？”
Steven 特别用刻意的停顿念出了这道问题，而 Vinh Giang 给出的回答极其震撼：“在这个世界上，你可以协商出任何你渴望的现实（You can negotiate whatever reality you desire）。”
Vinh 坦言，自己的脑海深处也曾闪过怀疑的声音：如果生命终结时面对造物主，对方说“你告诉别人可以协商出任何渴望的现实，这完全是错的”，那会怎样？Vinh 的态度是：“就算那是错的，我也依然庆幸自己以这种方式度过了一生。”
* **有用信念 vs 无用信念**：人的一生会充斥着无用的限制性信念，而选择相信“能够创造自己想要的现实”，是一种极具建设性、乐观且高效的生存策略。
* **多维人生的勇气**：正是依靠这种信念，Vinh 相信即使未来某一天自己厌倦了沟通教学这个篇章，他也深信自己能够推翻重来，开启一个成为优秀主厨的新人生篇章。
---
### [02:21:51](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=8511s) 人生的不同舞台与照亮他人的“引路者”
Steven 对 Vinh 表达了由衷的敬意与感谢。他动情地指出，世界上有无数人因为缺乏沟通技巧而遭遇不公的待遇，在人际关系、职场升迁和家庭交流中陷入被孤立和痛苦的境地。Vinh 将复杂的技能化繁为简，改变了成千上万人的命运轨迹，这项日复一日的工作意义非凡。
Vinh 借此分享了他对自己学员的称呼——“引路者/璀璨之星”（Luminaries），并解释了这一称号背后的深意：
* **世界即舞台**：Vinh 的培训项目名为“STAGE”，源自莎士比亚的名言“全世界是一个舞台”。清晨醒来，踏上的第一个舞台是“父亲的角色”；接下来迈上的是“丈夫的角色”，哪怕给妻子冲一杯味道普通的咖啡也是一种真诚的登台互动；随后走进演播室，踏上的是“导师的角色”。每个人一生都在不同的舞台上扮演着多元角色。
* **成为发光体（Luminary）**：这个词不仅指代舞台上的演员，其双重含义更代表“光源”。当你学会了如何演奏好自己的发声与沟通乐器，登上各个舞台时，就应该用它去演奏充满爱、友善与慈悲的乐章，成为照亮他人的存在，传递美好与善意。
### [02:24:49](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=8689s) 成为照亮他人的灯塔：用沟通传递爱与善意
Vinh Giang 在对话的尾声动情地总结道，每个人手中都掌握着自己的“乐器”——也就是我们的声音与表达方式。他真挚地祝愿每一位听众无论在生活中扮演着什么角色，都能勇敢地站上属于自己的舞台，将自身作为能够照亮他人的灯塔（luminary），用精湛的表达去传播更多的爱、友善与慈悲（"spread more love, kindness, and compassion"）。面对这一充满温度与力量的期许，主持人 Steven Bartlett 赞叹并以一句发自肺腑的“Amen（阿门）”向 Vinh 的精彩分享致以由衷的感谢。
### [02:25:04](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=8704s) 开启深度对话的工具：DOAC 提问卡牌与结语
Steven Bartlett 随后分享了关于人际交流的深刻洞察：生活中最艰难的对话往往正是人们最习惯逃避的，但如果手头恰好有一个绝佳的破冰问题，局面就会彻底改观。在《The Diary Of A CEO》节目中，每一位受邀嘉宾都会在日记本里为下一位访客留下一个精心设计的提问，旨在挑战思维、建立真实连结并深入内心世界。
为了让这种深度交流走进大众的日常生活，制作团队将这些问题整理成了精美的对话卡牌（Conversation Cards）。每张卡片正面印有提问内容与提问嘉宾的姓名，背面附有二维码，扫描后即可观看下一位嘉宾在节目现场作答的真实切片。整套卡牌分为三个层级，方便使用者自由掌控对话的深入程度：
- **51 个精选问题**：全部源自往期节目中顶级嘉宾的亲笔提问。
- **三层递进维度**：
- **热身层级（Warm-up level）**：适合轻松破冰与日常闲聊。
- **敞开层级（Open-up level）**：引导人们卸下防备，展现真实的自我。
- **深度层级（Deep level）**：直击内心最私密、最具挑战性的话题。
- **广泛的适用场景**：无论是职场会议室、深夜的私密卧室、还是初次约会的餐桌，都可以借助卡牌打破隔阂。
在节目的最后，Steven Bartlett 向观众透露了一个令他颇感意外的数据：经常收听该节目的听众中，有高达 **53%** 的人尚未点击订阅。他诚恳地呼吁大家，如果喜欢节目的内容并希望给予支持，最简单且完全免费的方式就是顺手点击订阅。作为回报，他和团队郑重承诺将全力以赴：倾听听众的反馈意见、持续邀请大家最期盼的重磅嘉宾，并在未来的每周里不断提升节目的制作水准。
## Notable quotes
> [16:31](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=991s) Don't be so attached to who you are in the present. You don't give the future version of you a chance. — Vinh Giang
> [24:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=1448s) Why so serious, son? — Steven Bartlett
> [33:30](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=2010s) if you make something default, it becomes non-functional — Vinh Giang
> [36:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=2205s) your face is the remote control that allows you to add emotion into your voice — Vinh Giang
> [01:07:32](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=4052s) Melody, stop doing that. — Steven Bartlett
> [01:24:55](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=5095s) Be so good they can't ignore you — Steve Martin
> [01:27:13](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=5233s) Yes, and... — Vinh Giang
> [01:44:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=6240s) Meet them where they are, and then take them to where you want to go — Vinh Giang
> [01:51:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=6668s) A king that knows the limits to his desires will rule a lifetime. — Vinh Giang 的父亲
> [01:59:50](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus&t=7190s) You can negotiate whatever reality you desire — Vinh Giang
## Mentioned
Vinh Giang, Steven Bartlett, Mrs. Stanley, Paul de Senneville, Mariage d'Amour, Tim Ferriss, Derren Brown, James Clear, Tanzir, Rachel, The Dark Knight, Heath Ledger, Simon Cowell, Taken, Liam Neeson, Rocky, When Harry Met Sally..., Vanessa Van Edwards, Gladiator, Maximus Decimus Meridius, Marcus Aurelius, Shopify, Wim Hof, Mark Bowden, Virginia Satir, MrBeast, Beast Games, Zoom, Google Meet, YouTube, Google, ChatGPT, GoPro, Steve Martin, Theodore Roosevelt, Brené Brown, Tali Sharot, PerfectTed, Whoop, Simon Sinek, Barry White, Ali Torabi, Future Golf, Nang Mai, The Diary Of A CEO
## Video description
Speaking with confidence isn’t a gift, it’s a skill - Vinh Giang reveals the blueprint to mastering the art of communication
00:00 Intro
02:15 Why Do You Do What You Do?
04:01 How Much Will This Information Change People's Life?
06:18 The Importance of Communication in Your Life and Career
09:06 How Easy Is It to Make a Radical Change in Your Communication Skills?
10:46 What's the Biggest Change People Experience?
11:45 How Cracking Your Communication Will Change Your Life
12:48 Why Should People Listen to You?
18:36 Three Ways to Change How You're Perceived by Others
20:17 What Is Vocal Image and How Does It Help Us?
22:49 How Melody Evokes Emotions
27:20 How to Know If You're Overdoing It
30:44 The Importance of Pauses in Your Speech
34:52 What Volume of Voice Signals Confidence?
36:35 Create Emotion With Your Voice
37:15 Gesticulating With Your Face
41:21 The Storytelling Formula
43:45 VAKS: Relive a Story, Don't Report It!
47:12 Run These Techniques in the Real World
50:20 Is There a Voice Tone That Makes People Dislike You?
52:48 Practical Steps to Know If You're Good at Speaking
57:24 Remove the Clutter Words From Your Speaking
1:02:27 Ads
1:03:22 What to Do Before You Go on Stage
1:05:10 Warm Up Your Mouth and Tongue
1:06:09 The Power of Body Language
1:13:23 If You Want to Be Influential, You Need to Do This
1:14:21 How to Interact Online
1:19:35 Our Identity Stops Us From Growing
1:21:27 Accents and How to Correct Them
1:24:55 There Are No Limits to What You Can Do
1:29:10 How to Deal With Bullies
1:33:16 How to Start a Powerful Conversation With Someone
1:37:41 Ads
1:39:47 Small Talk
1:42:09 What to Do If People Interrupt You at Work?
1:44:48 Why You Should Mimic People's Body Language
1:46:10 What Is F-O-R-D? Holding Conversations for Longer
1:52:05 Are There Real Introverts and Extroverts?
1:53:03 Social Anxiety
1:55:10 Contextual Confidence
2:01:30 I Do It All for My Son
2:04:48 My Parents Gave Up Their Money to Become Monks
2:11:27 The Endless Pursuit of More
2:20:13 What Is One Thing You Know Is True Even If You Can't Prove It?
Follow Vinh:
Instagram - https://g2ul0.app.link/gTz0zXL4xRb
YouTube - https://g2ul0.app.link/gTL4XuN4xRb
Website - https://g2ul0.app.link/owpA9uP4xRb
Vinh’s Free Communication Resources - https://gifts.vinhgiang.com/doac
My new book! 'The 33 Laws Of Business & Life' is out now - https://g2ul0.app.link/DOACBook
Get your hands on the Diary Of A CEO Conversation Cards here: https://bit.ly/conversationcards-youtube
Follow me:
https://g2ul0.app.link/gnGqL4IsKKb
Sponsors:
Shopify - https://shopify.com/bartlett
PerfectTed - https://www.perfectted.com with code STEVEN40 for 40% off
WHOOP - https://JOIN.WHOOP.COM/CEO "
[Source](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIiv_335yus)
Source quotes
[16:31] Vinh Giang: Don't be so attached to who you are in the present. You don't give the future version of you a chance.
[24:08] Steven Bartlett: Why so serious, son?
[33:30] Vinh Giang: if you make something default, it becomes non-functional
[36:45] Vinh Giang: your face is the remote control that allows you to add emotion into your voice
[67:32] Steven Bartlett: Melody, stop doing that.
[84:55] Steve Martin: Be so good they can't ignore you
[87:13] Vinh Giang: Yes, and...
[104:00] Vinh Giang: Meet them where they are, and then take them to where you want to go
[111:08] Vinh Giang 的父亲: A king that knows the limits to his desires will rule a lifetime.
[119:50] Vinh Giang: You can negotiate whatever reality you desire
Source quotes
[2:15] Miss Stanley: Honey, most people go through life speaking like this [monotone]. I'm going to teach you how to speak like this [musical].
[2:15] Vinh Giang: I haven't been thinking about my voice as an instrument. I thought it was a tool. What do you do with a hammer? You use a hammer... What do you do with a piano? You play with it. What do you do with a violin? You play with it. And she started to teach me that I have this instrument that depending on how I play it, it changes and shifts how others feel.
[15:48] Vinh Giang: Don't be so attached to who you are in the present. You don't give the future version of you a chance.
[20:17] Vinh Giang: When people see you and you reveal your visual image, they make assumptions about you pretty quickly... And then all of a sudden, when you open your mouth and you speak, they now turn these assumptions into beliefs.
[41:51] Vinh Giang: Would you be impressed if I transform this king of hearts into the queen of hearts like yourself?
[41:51] Vivian: I'd be more impressed if you transformed into a real man and had a conversation with me.
[48:22] Vinh Giang: Whatever emotion comes before the pause, once you pause, it intensifies that emotion. If you've got the feeling of anger and you pause, oh, that is a pause of anger. But if all of a sudden I'm sad, and then I pause, you prolong the sadness.
[50:20] Vinh Giang: That means you do great work, but why not speak for your work, too?
[57:23] Vinh Giang: We're not lagging. We're just pausing.
[79:08] Vinh Giang: Because when I speak like that, it creates the wrong perception in people's minds and then they now look down on me as a result of that.
[81:07] Steve Martin: Be so good they can't ignore you.
[102:09] Vinh Giang: Hey, to everyone in the team, I want to share my idea. If you give me 5 minutes, at the end of it I would love to ask for your input. But I'd love to share my idea completely and wholly. Is that okay?
[115:42] Vinh Giang: I feel like I've just found this cheat code in life where I keep my energy when I need it... Like a currency.
[124:48] Vinh Giang's father: A king that knows the limits to his desires will rule a lifetime.
[134:23] Vinh Giang: Stop being so attached to this identity that you've created... Listen, Vin. It's you. You're the one stopping you from becoming the future version of you. And the simple word would just be... just let go.
[221:51] Vinh Giang: When I wake up in the morning, the first stage I step on is the stage of fatherhood. And how I show up on that stage matters. And then the second stage... is the stage of being a husband... Learn how to communicate and play your instrument as a luminary to spread more love, kindness, and compassion.
Original transcript
[0:00] You have this ability to become
[0:02] confident in every single area of your
[0:03] life. It's about us just learning a new
[0:04] series of behaviors. For example,
[0:06] there's something called a siren
[0:07] technique. In three, two, and why not
[0:09] eat it as a crazier than usual.
[0:13] Fantastic. That's fantastic. You did a
[0:14] great job, right? And then this next one
[0:16] is volume. So critical. Because if I
[0:18] just increase my volume and I talk like
[0:19] this, I sound a little bit aggressive,
[0:21] don't I? But with volume to highlight
[0:23] something, you could go very quiet. So
[0:25] it's about waking people up to the power
[0:27] of their voice. And we all have access
[0:29] to these tools. Let's go through all
[0:30] five. Vin Jang is the award-winning
[0:32] speaker and communication expert who
[0:34] helps people harness the power of their
[0:35] voice and body language in all areas of
[0:37] their life. Just so overwhelming of how
[0:39] many people are suffering with not being
[0:41] able to communicate. They're asking,
[0:43] "I'm introverted, does that mean that
[0:44] I'm doomed? How do I become more
[0:45] confident? How do I speak on the spot?"
[0:46] And we think there's no way for me to
[0:48] ever change this. It's super sad because
[0:49] I lived a massive part of my life like
[0:51] that. I was the awkward kid. I couldn't
[0:54] communicate with anyone. I moved schools
[0:55] so many times cuz I was a bully. But
[0:57] then I broke them all. And then I just
[0:58] learned all these new behaviors. Just
[1:00] completely changed. And anyone can do
[1:02] this in three to six months. And I'm
[1:03] going to teach you. So the first thing
[1:04] that really matters is a three-step
[1:06] process. I call it record and review.
[1:07] It's going to dramatically change the
[1:08] way you talk and the way you show up.
[1:10] But how do we start a conversation with
[1:12] another human being? I've got a simple
[1:13] game called high-low buffalo. And it
[1:14] gives you three opportunities for a
[1:16] conversation to spark. We'll play it in
[1:17] a second. And then there's hand gestures
[1:19] that level up your physical presence.
[1:21] And then a simple framework that helps
[1:22] build connection. There's so many other
[1:23] things we could talk about. And we're
[1:24] going to go through them. But some
[1:25] people do have severe social anxiety.
[1:27] What do you say to those people? The
[1:28] first thing I would do is
[1:32] This has always blown my mind a little
[1:34] bit. 53% of you that listen to this show
[1:37] regularly haven't yet subscribed to this
[1:39] show. So could I ask you for a favor
[1:41] before we start? If you like this show
[1:42] and you like what we do here and you
[1:43] want to support us, the free simple way
[1:45] that you can do just that is by hitting
[1:46] the subscribe button. And my commitment
[1:48] to you is if you do that, then I'll do
[1:50] everything in my power, me and my team,
[1:52] to make sure that this show is better
[1:53] for you every single week. We'll listen
[1:55] to your feedback. We'll find the guests
[1:57] that you want me to speak to, and we'll
[1:58] continue to do what we do. Thank you so
[2:00] much.
[2:04] Then,
[2:05] if you had to summarize
[2:07] what it is you do fundamentally and why
[2:10] you do it, how would you summarize it?
[2:13] I help people learn that they have
[2:14] access to one of the most beautiful
[2:16] instruments in the world that can help
[2:18] them negotiate whatever reality they
[2:20] desire.
[2:22] And I learned this
[2:25] through
[2:26] my first ever vocal teacher, Miss
[2:27] Stanley.
[2:28] And I'll I'll never forget this
[2:30] experience.
[2:32] There's a dingy music corner um in South
[2:34] Australia, and I would go there for
[2:35] lessons. And at the first time I met
[2:36] her, I walked into the room. She's old
[2:39] lady, and she says nothing to me except
[2:41] the words, "Sit down, young man." So, I
[2:44] sit.
[2:45] It feels super awkward, it feels super
[2:47] weird.
[2:48] And then she plays one key non-stop on
[2:50] the piano for 2 minutes. It's literally
[2:52] I was like, "Oh [ __ ] this is like
[2:53] something out of a horror movie." And
[2:54] then she turns around, she goes, "How do
[2:56] you feel?"
[2:57] I said,
[2:58] "Nothing, weird, awkward, what?" And
[3:01] then she goes, "Good." Turns around,
[3:02] plays this beautiful song
[3:04] called Mariage d'Amour.
[3:07] Goes on for 2 minutes.
[3:08] And then she turns around, she goes,
[3:09] "How do you feel?"
[3:10] And I said, "Ah, weirded out from before
[3:13] still, but I feel Wow, that song had
[3:16] love, there was lust, there was romance,
[3:19] there was excitement, that" And she
[3:21] goes, "Good."
[3:23] "Honey, most people most people go
[3:24] through life speaking like this.
[3:26] I'm going to teach you how to speak like
[3:28] this."
[3:30] And that's
[3:31] to me at the time I remember thinking to
[3:32] myself, "That is the greatest sales
[3:33] pitch I've ever heard in my life."
[3:35] Because I'm now going to sign up for 12
[3:36] classes with you because you've just
[3:38] helped me realize something I've been
[3:40] struggling with my entire life. I
[3:42] haven't been thinking about my voice as
[3:43] an instrument. I thought it was a tool.
[3:46] What do you do with a hammer? You use a
[3:47] hammer. What do you do with a
[3:48] screwdriver? You use a screwdriver. What
[3:49] do you do with a piano? You play with
[3:51] it. What do you do with the violin? You
[3:52] play with it.
[3:53] And she started to teach me that I have
[3:55] this instrument that depending on how I
[3:57] play it, it changes and shifts how
[4:00] others feel. How much do you think that
[4:02] will change the trajectory of someone's
[4:03] life? Like what is the impact? If I get
[4:05] really good at communication, do- why
[4:07] does it matter?
[4:08] I was invisible my
[4:11] entire childhood.
[4:13] I was invisible. I wasn't the cool kid.
[4:15] I wasn't the good-looking kid. I wasn't
[4:17] the charismatic kid. I wasn't the funny
[4:19] kid. I wasn't the anything kid.
[4:21] And
[4:23] by learning this skill,
[4:25] I've been able to negotiate an
[4:27] incredible reality.
[4:29] And that's why I love Tim Ferriss so
[4:30] quite so much. Reality is negotiable.
[4:32] Cool. Well, what skill do we use to
[4:33] negotiate the reality we desire? It's
[4:35] our ability to communicate.
[4:38] Teaching that to others has been one of
[4:40] the most fulfilling things I've ever
[4:41] done.
[4:43] And I I genuinely believe that makes the
[4:44] world a better place.
[4:46] And I will admit sometimes feel like I'm
[4:48] just here to tune pianos.
[4:50] I'm here to help people tune and fix and
[4:52] learn how to play.
[4:54] And and and I get so much fulfillment
[4:56] from that.
[4:57] My parents have this fundamental belief.
[4:58] It's so beautiful. They They believe
[4:59] every child is born with a diamond, with
[5:01] a gift, with a with something in them.
[5:04] So, I found one of my diamonds early on.
[5:05] It was magic. Right? So, I was really
[5:07] good at magic. They hoped it was
[5:08] medicine, accounting, you know, the
[5:10] Asian prophecy. So, when I found that
[5:13] diamond being magic,
[5:15] I thought that all I had to do was get
[5:17] really good technically as a magician.
[5:19] Cuz that's what I was told at university
[5:20] being an accountant. Oh, if you become
[5:22] really technically proficient as an
[5:23] accountant, you'll become an amazing
[5:25] accountant. You'll You'll be successful.
[5:27] You get the BMW. You get everything. Get
[5:28] partner.
[5:29] So, I thought, okay, magic, same thing.
[5:31] Get really good technically. Spent
[5:32] thousands of hours in my bedroom by
[5:34] myself, in front of a mirror, practicing
[5:36] magic. Got nowhere.
[5:39] Because I was missing an ingredient.
[5:40] Magicians call it showmanship.
[5:43] Fancy word for communication skills.
[5:45] Right? One of We We're both inspired by
[5:47] the same person, I believe. One
[5:49] one of the people we're inspired by is
[5:50] Derren Brown. Impeccable showmanship.
[5:53] Impeccable technical skills.
[5:55] So, when you pair technical skills with
[5:57] great communication skills, that's when
[5:58] you thrive, I believe.
[6:00] Because let's say for example, you're
[6:01] technically brilliant, you're a 10 out
[6:02] of 10 technically, but you're three out
[6:04] of 10 with your communication skills. Do
[6:06] you think people perceive you to be a 10
[6:07] out of 10 or a three out of 10?
[6:09] And you know this hearing so many
[6:10] different pitches.
[6:12] Some of the greatest ideas have flown
[6:14] under your radar without you noticing
[6:15] because the founder didn't do it
[6:16] justice.
[6:18] It's an interesting idea to think that
[6:19] we might rise or fall to the level not
[6:21] of our technical ability, but our
[6:22] communication skills as it relates to
[6:24] how the world perceives us. And it's
[6:26] both. The importance there is both.
[6:29] Whereas I feel like we get stuck into
[6:30] this world where we think, oh, it's one
[6:31] or the other.
[6:33] And all my students always ask me this,
[6:34] which one should I focus on? And I said,
[6:35] well, the reality is both. Mhm. It's
[6:37] it's not as simple. It's it's both.
[6:40] Because if I have great showmanship and
[6:41] then when it comes to do doing slight of
[6:42] hand, I suck.
[6:44] Oh, that's not going to work either.
[6:46] The people that I've been able to help
[6:47] the most in my career so far are the
[6:49] people who are technically
[6:51] so amazing at what they do.
[6:53] And they've been hidden away in the back
[6:54] office as a technician. And then bloody
[6:57] Brad always gets the promotion. Right?
[6:59] Brad always gets it. Ah, damn it, Brad
[7:01] got it again. Brad's not smart as me.
[7:03] Brad is not as good as me. Right? And
[7:05] and it's because Brad talks better.
[7:08] He's more visible in the work
[7:09] environment. You really think it often
[7:11] comes down to just how we speak and
[7:13] communicate? Our value, yes. Because if
[7:15] you can't communicate your value in a
[7:17] way that is clear and concise,
[7:19] people it's it's not their
[7:21] responsibility to see the brilliance
[7:22] that exists within you.
[7:24] It's, I believe, your responsibility to
[7:26] learn how to shine your light brightly.
[7:29] It's super sad because I lived a massive
[7:31] part of my life like that.
[7:34] English is my third language.
[7:36] Uh first language I learned as a Chinese
[7:38] dialect. It's not that impressive. My
[7:39] wife speaks five, but thank you. The
[7:41] first language I learned was a Chinese
[7:42] dialect called Teochew.
[7:44] All right, so a bit of Teochew for you.
[7:46] You see Teochew now?
[7:47] Second language I then had to learn
[7:48] fluently is Vietnamese.
[7:53] So I had to learn all these different
[7:54] languages growing up. These are my first
[7:55] two core languages that if I wasn't
[7:57] proficient in it, grammar would be
[7:58] pissed off. Mom would be pissed off. So
[8:00] we had to study it.
[8:02] And then I went to school and had to
[8:03] learn English.
[8:04] So I went to school.
[8:07] I was completely invisible. I couldn't
[8:09] communicate with any other kid. They
[8:12] couldn't communicate with me. So what do
[8:13] kids do? Oh, it's too hard. Oh, we'll
[8:15] just ignore you then. They bully you.
[8:17] Oh, yes. I didn't even know it was
[8:18] bullying because I couldn't understand
[8:19] them.
[8:20] Right, I could kind of read what they
[8:21] they seemed to mean, but I had no idea
[8:23] what they were saying. So I spent so
[8:24] much of my childhood, especially in
[8:26] those single digit years around 5, 6,
[8:28] and 7, this is super sad, but I I just
[8:31] spent a lot of time in the toilet.
[8:33] Cuz I didn't want to deal with the shame
[8:34] of being seen by myself.
[8:36] So I just hid. I just found a corner
[8:39] somewhere no one and then gradually I
[8:40] started to learn English, but even when
[8:42] I learned English, I sounded funny.
[8:44] Because I had an accent.
[8:46] So then they'll call me fob.
[8:48] FOB, fresh off the boat.
[8:50] And they just kept calling me, "Oh,
[8:51] there's the fob. There's the fob. Oh,
[8:53] he's so fobbie. He's so And then so then
[8:55] even though I learned the English
[8:56] language now, I'm scared to speak it
[8:58] because I don't want to sound like a
[8:59] fob.
[9:00] And there were all these challenges. And
[9:02] so I know what it's like to feel
[9:03] invisible. I know what it's like to
[9:05] be ignored and
[9:07] That was a long time ago and I guess the
[9:09] question that leads me to me with this
[9:10] is how easy is it for someone to learn
[9:13] like what is the time span that it would
[9:14] take from the experience you've had with
[9:15] teaching people to to make a radical
[9:17] change in your communication skills?
[9:21] It depends on your level of desire and
[9:22] motivation. If you really want it,
[9:25] I'd say it's 3 to 6 months. You think
[9:27] you can change your communication skills
[9:29] in a radical way in 3 to 6 months? I've
[9:30] seen it. I've seen students do it. It's
[9:33] when instead of just thinking about I'm
[9:34] trying to learn a new habit. It's what
[9:36] James Clear says. You you adopt a new
[9:38] identity. Mhm. Where they adopt that new
[9:40] identity. Because one of the things I do
[9:41] is I share that story about my schooling
[9:43] experience at the beginning of my
[9:44] in-person classes and I say,
[9:46] "I want you all to imagine now you're at
[9:48] a new school.
[9:49] No one here in this room with us right
[9:51] now has any pre-conceived idea of who
[9:52] you are.
[9:53] Break the mold.
[9:55] Break it."
[9:56] And then you see grown adults
[9:59] do things they wouldn't normally do.
[10:00] Break out of their play with their
[10:02] voice. Be a little silly. Reconnect with
[10:04] their inner child. And then in that
[10:06] moment they fall so deeply in love with
[10:08] that version of them because of the
[10:10] reactions they've been able to get from
[10:11] all these strangers around them that
[10:13] they commit to it.
[10:14] It's when you experience that change in
[10:15] the moment, it usually leads to a fairly
[10:17] profound desire after that. Oh, I want
[10:19] to become this now. But then they make a
[10:20] big mistake.
[10:22] And the biggest mistake they make is
[10:23] they'll go home to their partner
[10:25] and who has no context of the experience
[10:27] they've been through
[10:28] and they've just went, "Oh, I've been
[10:29] quiet with my my voice my entire life."
[10:31] And they'll go home to their new me, new
[10:34] year, new machine. Hey, honey, I'm and
[10:35] then their their their their partner
[10:36] goes, "Oh, why are you doing that with
[10:37] your voice? Oh, you learned that from
[10:38] Vin. What That's gross. Why are you
[10:40] doing that? That's so fake. It's so
[10:41] inauthentic."
[10:42] And then they revert back to who they
[10:44] have always been their entire life.
[10:46] What areas of one's life
[10:48] have you seen in those examples change
[10:51] when someone learned communication
[10:53] skills? Cuz we we have to use the
[10:54] examples you've given so far are just
[10:56] like work. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[10:58] With their children.
[10:59] This has been the coolest part cuz I'm a
[11:01] dad.
[11:02] I I get
[11:04] I I I teach a concept called uh vocal
[11:06] foundations, which we can dive into
[11:07] later. And there's these beautiful five
[11:10] core vocal foundations that people can
[11:11] learn and I love it when parents go
[11:13] through it cuz I always see these
[11:14] comments
[11:15] where they said,
[11:17] "Oh my goodness, just read to the kids.
[11:19] They've never reacted to me in that way
[11:21] before."
[11:22] The moment the one night I go home and I
[11:24] read to my kids and I do it in a boring
[11:27] way, they'll go, "Dad,
[11:28] don't read it like that. Do it the fun
[11:30] way."
[11:31] And and what they're asking for is
[11:33] they're asking for that vocal variety.
[11:35] They're asking for that inner child for
[11:37] that playfulness.
[11:38] And I think that's one of the greatest
[11:40] I think that's one of my greatest
[11:41] superpowers is the ability to be
[11:42] playful.
[11:44] And the willingness to be playful. So
[11:45] you're going to help me in work, you're
[11:46] going to help me be a more entertaining
[11:49] engaging parent. Are there any other
[11:51] areas of one's life that improve when
[11:52] they crack communication?
[11:55] Yes, there is an area and the area is
[11:59] improv.
[12:01] Learn improvisation. People all want to
[12:03] get better at communication. Often it's
[12:05] because they want to get better at
[12:06] conversations. What is the game of
[12:08] conversation? What are we doing right
[12:09] now? What are we doing? This is game of
[12:10] improv. I don't know what you're going
[12:11] to say. You don't know what I'm going to
[12:12] say. And then based on what I say, you
[12:14] improvise and you say something. So even
[12:16] though I know you've never done improv
[12:17] before, you are amazing at improv.
[12:19] Because that's a skill you had to have
[12:21] developed to become the incredible
[12:22] podcaster that you are right now. Right?
[12:24] So that to me is such a important skill
[12:27] when you're playing with your kids, too.
[12:28] It helps you with all areas of life.
[12:30] It's the tide that lifts all boats.
[12:31] Because kids love to play. They'll say
[12:33] something like, "Oh, and then the then
[12:34] the cow now is an astronaut." And most
[12:36] parents will be like, "Ah, that's cool,
[12:37] honey. That's cool." No play. Now it's
[12:39] also fighting zombies that exist on the
[12:41] moon and you didn't know about it. And
[12:43] you play with them. And when you're
[12:45] playing, what are you using? You're
[12:46] using your ability to communicate.
[12:48] And how many people have you taught in
[12:50] person and or online? Oh, over 70,000
[12:53] now. Wow.
[12:55] Yeah. You have millions and millions and
[12:57] millions of followers online as well
[12:58] that tune in to learn communication
[13:00] skills from you from all around the
[13:01] world.
[13:02] And if And if I was to zoom in on
[13:05] the DMs that you get, Mhm. the things
[13:07] that people are struggling with when
[13:09] they message you,
[13:10] the reason why they watch your videos,
[13:13] what is it? The most common message that
[13:16] we get when people type a comment and
[13:18] leave it on our videos is, "Is it
[13:21] possible for me to change the sound of
[13:22] my voice?"
[13:23] Really? Well, because you think about
[13:25] it, right? Nobody likes the sound of
[13:27] their own voice.
[13:28] The first time you heard yourself on a
[13:29] podcast, were you like, "Oh, no." or did
[13:31] you say, "I love it. Look how sexy I
[13:32] sound."
[13:33] I was younger and I was little cassette
[13:35] recorders and I heard my voice and I was
[13:36] like, "Fucking hell, who's that?"
[13:37] Yeah, me too. Right? So, that is the
[13:39] biggest inse- one of the biggest
[13:40] insecurities for most people when they
[13:42] first become problem aware with their
[13:44] communication skills is, "Oh, is it
[13:45] possible for me to change the sound of
[13:46] my voice?
[13:48] Is it possible?
[13:49] Is it possible? And then
[13:51] And when you reflect upon this, even
[13:53] when you reflect reflect upon this, most
[13:55] people in their entire life will never
[13:57] change the way they sound. They will
[13:59] never change the way they communicate.
[14:01] They'll change the way they dress,
[14:02] they'll change their hair, they'll
[14:03] change their glasses, they'll change
[14:03] their They'll change all these things
[14:04] about themselves.
[14:06] But the way they communicate, the way
[14:07] they sound,
[14:08] stays consistent, generally.
[14:11] It's because there are a lot of
[14:12] psychological blocks that keep us
[14:14] sounding the same.
[14:16] We keep ourselves sounding the same.
[14:18] You know, there's I'll share with you a
[14:20] few of these, okay?
[14:23] With my vocal teacher, at the beginning
[14:25] of my journey, when she got me to do
[14:26] things with my voice where she said,
[14:27] "All right, let's do a really high
[14:28] voice. Have a bit of a play, Vin. And
[14:31] you know, go into falsetto." And she'd
[14:33] make me do things like this. I'd go red.
[14:36] Because I'd go, "Oh, that feels so
[14:37] weird. Oh, now I'm becoming so deep with
[14:40] my voice. This feels so fake and it
[14:42] feels phony." I immediately came up with
[14:44] those objections.
[14:45] As I'm sure you would feel that too if I
[14:46] got you to do that, right? And when I
[14:48] deal with my students, that's the
[14:49] immediate thing that comes up. They go,
[14:50] "It's fake. It's phony.
[14:52] That's not me."
[14:54] And then now, just like my vocal
[14:56] teacher, she would always challenge me.
[14:58] She goes,
[14:59] "Well, if you could make the sound and
[15:00] you played the key on your piano, you
[15:02] describe to me then, how is it fake? How
[15:04] is it fake? If you were able to make
[15:06] that sound, that is you. That is your
[15:08] instrument. That is just you playing
[15:10] with keys you're unfamiliar with."
[15:13] That's it.
[15:14] You've gone through this entire life
[15:15] being so familiar with this key that
[15:17] anytime you pressed any other key, you
[15:18] go, "Oh, it's not me." No, no, no.
[15:20] You're just familiar with this key and
[15:21] you're unfamiliar with the others.
[15:24] That alone helped me understand that, oh
[15:26] wow.
[15:28] It's not fake. Because for the longest
[15:30] time I thought it was fake. And because
[15:33] I thought it was fake, I never changed
[15:35] the way I talked. And and why is it that
[15:37] we don't want to play with those other
[15:38] keys? Is it because we've got so used to
[15:40] playing with a a particular set of keys
[15:42] and You're so familiar with it. Playing
[15:44] the other keys comes at a cost, a
[15:46] perceived cost. Well, it goes deeper
[15:48] than that. It goes even deeper than that
[15:49] because where did you get your voice
[15:50] from?
[15:51] Who did you learn it from?
[15:53] There's an idea that people have in
[15:55] their minds about this thing called a
[15:56] natural voice, okay? This is another
[15:59] objection my students give me. They go,
[16:00] oh, that's not my natural voice.
[16:02] And speech pathologists will tell you
[16:04] this. The voice you have right now is
[16:05] not your natural voice. You lost access
[16:08] to your natural voice when you were two
[16:09] or three.
[16:10] Question, if I asked you to scream at
[16:12] the top of your lungs right now
[16:13] Yeah. for about 10 minutes Yeah. what
[16:16] would happen to your voice? I would lose
[16:18] it. Yeah. My daughter, 12 months old,
[16:20] can scream for 3 hours, Steven, and she
[16:23] does not lose her voice.
[16:25] Because they have this beautiful access
[16:26] to their instrument. They can naturally
[16:28] access that instrument. Whereas as we
[16:30] grow older at the age of three or four,
[16:31] we start to be inspired by certain
[16:33] people in our circles. As a result of
[16:35] being inspired by people, what do kids
[16:36] do? They emulate, they copy.
[16:38] So the voice that you've developed,
[16:40] you've copied that based on the people
[16:41] you were inspired by when you were
[16:42] young. It's just a series of habits. The
[16:46] way you speak, the way you sound is just
[16:47] a series of behaviors. It's how you
[16:49] manipulate your vocal chords, how you
[16:52] move air through your body, how you
[16:53] shape your lips, where you place your
[16:54] teeth, how you maneuver your tongue, how
[16:56] you maneuver your soft palate. Depending
[16:57] on how you do all of that, you create a
[16:59] certain sound. But if I change now, as
[17:01] you said, people are going to think I'm
[17:02] weird.
[17:02] Well, that's right. Well, that's what
[17:04] Well, that's the thing. You have to have
[17:05] a process to go about that change. Okay.
[17:07] Cuz if you immediately just talked
[17:08] tonight with your partner with no
[17:10] context They'll go freak out. Yeah.
[17:11] They'll be like, what the hell? Why did
[17:12] you Why did you talk to Vin?
[17:14] You've had them on the podcast before.
[17:15] Yeah, why? Now you're fake, right?
[17:18] We'll get to that in a moment.
[17:19] Mhm. What I'm saying is that the reason
[17:21] why you don't move from that is because
[17:23] you genuinely feel stuck.
[17:25] I'll give you the reason behind it. When
[17:27] you're first imitating dad, I had one of
[17:29] my students, his name's Tanzir.
[17:30] Beautiful, beautiful guy.
[17:32] He had a very soft way of speaking.
[17:34] Beautiful, soft way of speaking. And
[17:38] what he didn't realize is that in the
[17:39] beginning of his life, he saw dad do it,
[17:41] really inspired by dad. So he copied
[17:42] dad. So he had to consciously think
[17:44] about all these little behaviors, all
[17:46] these nuances to copy dad's sound. And
[17:48] then after you repeat those behaviors
[17:50] for 1 year, 2 years, you no longer have
[17:52] to consciously think about it cuz you've
[17:53] mastered it. So now those behaviors move
[17:55] from your conscious mind, it moves into
[17:57] your subconscious mind. And then when
[17:58] behaviors move into your subconscious
[18:00] mind, now it feels automatic.
[18:02] So now you feel like it's you.
[18:04] So now you don't doubt it. You go, "No,
[18:05] no, that's me." He's like, "No, no, it's
[18:07] still just a series of behaviors." Yeah.
[18:10] And I often tell my students, I say it
[18:11] all the time. I say, "Don't be so
[18:12] attached to who you are in the present.
[18:14] You don't give the future version of you
[18:15] a chance."
[18:17] And the moment these things happen, it's
[18:18] incredible seeing these changes because
[18:20] all my students will do is they'll
[18:22] change three things.
[18:23] More volume,
[18:24] more melody, bigger hand gestures,
[18:26] people completely change the way they
[18:27] perceive them.
[18:29] It three simple things that they do
[18:32] creates a profound change in how others
[18:34] perceive them.
[18:36] Volume, melody,
[18:38] and hand gestures. Yeah, I was thinking
[18:40] to one example of one of my students who
[18:42] a female, Rachel, who who felt like she
[18:44] didn't have great executive presence.
[18:46] And it was because she became
[18:48] she she labeled herself as being shy.
[18:51] And I I like to break these things down
[18:53] for my students, too. I'm like, the the
[18:54] reason you're shy and the reason you're
[18:56] really good at being shy
[18:58] is because you've been repeating the shy
[18:59] behaviors for the last 25 years. So
[19:02] you're really good at it. And that's all
[19:03] right.
[19:04] It's because you've been practicing shy
[19:06] for 25 years.
[19:07] Being more confident, it's about us just
[19:09] learning a new series of behaviors.
[19:11] Let's Let's try a larger gesture. Like
[19:14] I've seen this on multiple podcasts.
[19:15] I'll just try a larger gesture.
[19:17] Try a stronger volume. Try being more
[19:19] melodic with your voice.
[19:20] And then she was practicing that and
[19:22] immediately the feelings of oh, it feels
[19:23] fake. It feels foreign. But I go, oh no,
[19:24] it's just unfamiliar.
[19:26] And the moment she makes that reset, she
[19:27] goes, oh, I'll continue to explore them.
[19:30] Whereas if she thinks it's fake, she'll
[19:31] revert back to being who she was before.
[19:34] So, how do I speak impromptu? How do I
[19:36] be in the moment and
[19:38] come up with a good answer?
[19:40] Another one is
[19:43] I'm introverted.
[19:46] Does that mean that I'm doomed?
[19:48] Okay. Yeah.
[19:50] And another really common one is I don't
[19:53] have much connection in my life.
[19:56] I wish I felt more connected to the
[19:58] people that I'm around. Why is it that I
[20:00] can't get past the
[20:02] the the good day, mate. How are you?
[20:04] Yeah, I'm good. How are you? Yeah, I'm
[20:05] good. All right, cheers, mate. Have a
[20:06] good one. Oh, the small talk. Yeah.
[20:08] Yeah, this is a big topic, right? So,
[20:09] again, it's just how do we how do we get
[20:11] to these conversations like that you get
[20:13] to have on so many of these wonderful
[20:14] podcasts that you do. So, I reckon you
[20:16] would have insights here, too.
[20:17] Cuz like I was looking earlier, there's
[20:19] almost like a billion search results on
[20:21] Google for people trying to figure out
[20:23] or trying to provide answers to how to
[20:25] communicate successfully. So, let's get
[20:27] into it. So, I you use this term vocal
[20:29] image. Yeah. What does vocal image mean?
[20:32] It came about when I realized I spend
[20:35] and I think most of us spend a lot of
[20:36] time on our visual image, right? How how
[20:38] we look, our body language, the way we
[20:39] dress. Mhm.
[20:41] But very rarely do people spend time on
[20:42] their vocal image. Yeah.
[20:44] I'll make it make sense.
[20:46] When people see you and you reveal your
[20:48] visual image, they make assumptions
[20:49] about you pretty quickly. So, they form
[20:51] assumptions. Oh, this person seems
[20:52] friendly. Maybe they're confident
[20:53] because they've got good posture. Maybe
[20:54] they're smiling, they're friendly.
[20:56] And then all of a sudden, when you open
[20:57] your mouth and you speak, they now turn
[20:59] these assumptions into beliefs.
[21:02] As in, what may be assumptions before,
[21:04] now they go, oh,
[21:06] you are friendly. You are confident.
[21:08] Right? Or they might think, "Oh, no.
[21:10] Bit of a wanker."
[21:12] Right? And And And you've had these
[21:13] experiences before. I've had them
[21:14] before. Where you assume you see
[21:15] someone, you're like, "Oh, that person's
[21:16] really Go and meet them." You're like,
[21:17] "Oh, not really nice. That's weird." So,
[21:20] it's another layer that we don't think
[21:23] about though, because we again think
[21:24] we're stuck with our voice. We think
[21:26] we're stuck with the way we communicate.
[21:27] We think there's no way for me to ever
[21:28] change this.
[21:30] So, let's let's talk about how one can
[21:31] improve their vocal image so that
[21:33] they're effective across context.
[21:35] Sure. You mentioned melody, volume, hand
[21:37] gestures. If we start with melody, what
[21:40] the hell is melody?
[21:41] The different notes you can hit with
[21:42] your voice. Okay, so is that variety?
[21:44] Yeah, variety. Yeah, pitch variety.
[21:45] Pitch and melody. Okay. Well, because
[21:47] there's a melody that lives underneath
[21:48] your voice.
[21:49] All right, let's do an experiment. I'm
[21:50] going to play you a a piano song. And I
[21:53] want you to listen to this and then
[21:55] you at home right now, I want you to
[21:56] listen to
[21:58] to the track and see what words come to
[21:59] mind. So, we'll just play it. We'll play
[22:00] this song.
[22:07] Okay, yeah. Um all right, sadness.
[22:09] Right. So, so And then if if listeners
[22:11] at home could could could have a voice
[22:12] here too, that's maybe say they'll say
[22:13] somber. Mhm. Nostalgic. Yeah. Right? All
[22:16] these words would come up. And And
[22:18] again, if we sat with this for a while,
[22:19] we'd get plenty of words. Let's try
[22:20] another one. Let's Let's change the
[22:22] mood. Let's shift to something like
[22:24] this.
[22:28] Um inspirational, motivational. Good.
[22:31] See, all of a sudden now And And I'm
[22:33] thinking running towards something.
[22:35] Yeah. Right? I And And again, there's a
[22:36] part of me that thinks, "Oh, cheesy
[22:37] commercial." Right? There's a There's
[22:38] that part of it too. So, you can hear
[22:40] all these different things. Let's try
[22:41] one more. This one We'll shift gears
[22:43] again.
[22:44] What about this one?
[22:49] Uh like a horror movie. Scary. About to
[22:52] die. Yes.
[22:53] Something bad's about to happen.
[22:54] Ominous.
[22:55] Little little three-year-old stood on
[22:57] the the landing of the staircase at
[22:58] night time.
[22:59] Yes, with long black hair.
[23:00] Yeah. Yes, correct. So, that that that
[23:02] again all of a sudden
[23:03] paints all these different vivid
[23:05] pictures in your head.
[23:07] The reason I did that experiment is
[23:10] there were no words
[23:11] in any of those tracks.
[23:14] Yet think about all of the words that
[23:16] rushed to your mind as you were
[23:17] experiencing the melody.
[23:20] The different notes.
[23:21] What people fail to realize is that you
[23:23] have a melody in your voice. Yeah. This
[23:26] is why when some people walk into our
[23:27] lives
[23:28] it
[23:29] it could drain the energy from our
[23:31] lives.
[23:32] And when they walk in you feel the
[23:33] impact of them walking in. Right? In the
[23:35] negative way or a positive way. Some
[23:37] walk in and you go, "Oh, I feel good. I
[23:38] feel great." What is that? It's the
[23:40] melody in which they come in with. Can
[23:42] you have a pretty limited range limited
[23:45] melody but still hit people with scary
[23:49] and sad and inspiring? I believe you
[23:51] can. Yeah. Yeah, again because we we
[23:53] genuinely don't have 88 keys, right? So
[23:55] again, it's one of the it's a it's a
[23:56] metaphor, but I believe that we can
[23:59] create so many different songs with our
[24:01] voice if we learn to treat it as an
[24:04] instrument.
[24:05] And we we can we can play with the
[24:06] technique to help you increase your
[24:07] vocal range if you want.
[24:08] Sure. There's something called a this is
[24:11] fun. This is a fun one. There's
[24:12] something called a siren technique.
[24:13] Okay. Okay, so a siren technique is when
[24:15] you you read something with a low voice
[24:17] and then you go towards a high voice and
[24:19] you go back down to a low voice. So now
[24:21] I don't want you to do it to start with.
[24:22] I just want you to read this as you
[24:23] would and then we'll try the siren
[24:25] technique. So just read it as you would
[24:26] naturally first. So just read that as
[24:28] you would. Okay, so for those that can't
[24:29] see, Vinnie's passed me a card.
[24:31] Yeah, cue cards.
[24:32] On the card it has a bunch of words
[24:33] which I'm just going to read.
[24:34] And then and as you're listening at
[24:35] home, have a guess of what movie this is
[24:37] from. Want to know how I got these
[24:38] scars? My father was a drinker and a
[24:40] fiend. And one night he goes off crazier
[24:43] than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife
[24:45] to defend herself. He doesn't like that,
[24:47] not one bit. So me watching, he takes
[24:49] the knife to her laughing while he does
[24:51] it.
[24:52] Turns to me and he says, "Why so
[24:54] serious, son?" Comes at me with the
[24:56] knife. "Why so serious? He sticks the
[24:58] blade in my mouth.
[25:00] Let's put a smile on that face. And why
[25:03] so serious? Beautiful. What movie is
[25:04] that from? No idea. I don't want to Oh,
[25:06] are you serious? Dark Knight, the Joker.
[25:08] Okay, well Oh, so Heath Ledger is so
[25:09] amazing. Okay, cool, great. So again,
[25:11] you read that in your neutral voice.
[25:12] Now, what we're going to do is we're
[25:13] going to play with the instrument. Okay.
[25:14] So, the siren technique is when you read
[25:16] with a really low voice and then
[25:17] gradually go to a high voice and I'm
[25:18] going to challenge you to not be afraid
[25:19] to go into the falsetto. Not be afraid
[25:21] to play. Okay. Just play. And and and
[25:24] it's not about going low at the start
[25:26] and then high at the bottom. Within each
[25:28] sentence, I want you to go up and down,
[25:30] up and down. I really want you to play
[25:31] with your voice. Okay.
[25:33] Otherwise, I'm going to push you. Okay.
[25:34] Okay. In three, two, go for it. Want to
[25:37] know how I got these scars?
[25:40] My father was a drinker. Kind of a
[25:42] fiend. Good.
[25:43] And one night he gets all crazier than
[25:46] usual.
[25:48] Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend
[25:50] herself. Okay. Wow.
[25:54] It hurts. Now, try to go in a way where
[25:56] it is a little more even. Just give it a
[25:58] go. But, normally you won't be able to
[25:59] because you won't have all of the range
[26:01] fully expanded. So, try again. Keep
[26:02] going. He doesn't like that, not one
[26:05] bit. Good.
[26:07] So, me watching
[26:09] he takes the knife to her. Yes.
[26:11] Laughing while he does it.
[26:13] Good.
[26:14] Turns to me
[26:16] and he says
[26:18] Why so serious, son?
[26:22] Fantastic. That's fantastic. You did a
[26:23] great job, right? Okay. But, you feel
[26:25] that feeling you feel right now? Yeah,
[26:26] weird.
[26:26] It Yes. And it's not so much about
[26:29] getting you to speak like that on the
[26:30] podcast, but it's more just helping you
[26:31] realize
[26:33] this instrument that you have is capable
[26:35] of so much more. Yeah. There is so much
[26:38] more that it can do as opposed to what
[26:40] we normally do with it.
[26:42] Right? Because for the longest time in
[26:43] my life, I didn't have any melody.
[26:46] Because I did I I just thought this was
[26:47] how you talk.
[26:48] And the reason I can switch to this very
[26:50] quickly, Stephen, is because I practiced
[26:51] these behaviors for about 25 years.
[26:53] What's even more interesting is that
[26:55] they've they've they've done studies
[26:56] where they had five or six people
[26:57] talking at the same time
[26:59] and the person who the person heard was
[27:01] the person who had more melody in their
[27:02] voice.
[27:04] Oh, really? The person who is more
[27:05] melodic, what they say becomes more
[27:07] memorable.
[27:08] Whereas if all of us were speaking like
[27:09] this, me, yourself, Jack, everyone, all
[27:11] of a sudden you wouldn't hear
[27:13] you wouldn't be able to hear the
[27:14] difference. Mhm. Whereas all of a sudden
[27:16] if you just start to play with your
[27:17] voice a little more.
[27:20] How do you know you've not played with
[27:21] it too far? Do you know what I'm saying?
[27:22] By playing with it too far and then
[27:23] getting feedback. Right.
[27:25] And people are so afraid of that though.
[27:27] And they don't realize that they they
[27:29] don't go too far, they underplay.
[27:33] The risk is not going too far. The risk
[27:35] is not going far enough. Again, at this
[27:36] point when people heard me Of course, of
[27:38] course, of course. squeaking like Mickey
[27:39] Mouse, they're going to say, "Fuck me,
[27:41] like I
[27:42] you're going to have to remind me again,
[27:43] Vin, why this is worth it." You'll be
[27:45] able to make people feel more connected
[27:46] to you. They'll feel what you're saying,
[27:47] not just hear what you're saying. I
[27:49] mean, do you notice this in some people?
[27:51] Of course. They'll say things, but you
[27:52] don't feel it. Yeah. It happens in
[27:54] America's Got Talent, Australia's Got
[27:56] Talent, where Simon Cowell will say,
[27:57] "Right, right, very good, but I don't
[27:58] feel it."
[28:00] What are they talking about? It's the
[28:01] emotion in their voice.
[28:04] There is emotion in your voice, too. Do
[28:05] you want to go to the next one? Please.
[28:07] I didn't know there was more. There's
[28:08] more. Yeah, there's five. Let's go
[28:09] through all five. No, no, next one. I'm
[28:11] just going to get you to read this one
[28:12] as you would and then I'll tell you what
[28:14] it is. Okay. Just so you don't get ahead
[28:15] of yourself. Okay. Okay, cool. And and
[28:17] see, tell me if you please tell me you
[28:18] know this movie. Fire out, Stephen.
[28:21] I don't know who you are.
[28:22] I don't know what you want.
[28:24] If you are looking for ransom, I can
[28:26] tell you that I don't have money. But I
[28:28] I do have but but what I do have are a
[28:30] very particular set of skills. Skills I
[28:32] have acquired over a very long career.
[28:35] Skills that make me a nightmare for
[28:36] people like you. If you let my daughter
[28:38] go now, that'll be the end of it. I will
[28:41] not look for you. I will not pursue you.
[28:43] But if you don't, I will look for you. I
[28:45] will find you and I will kill you. Yes,
[28:46] very dark movies. I love these movies.
[28:49] What movie is this? That is the movie
[28:51] called
[28:52] where he his daughter gets kidnapped.
[28:54] What's it called?
[28:55] Yes, Taken. Yes, it's called L his name.
[28:58] Lion King, I'm joking. No, what is it?
[29:01] Right, from Taken.
[29:03] But here's the thing.
[29:04] So, the next foundation is rate of
[29:06] speech. Okay. So, if you're reading that
[29:08] and I was kind of just giving you some
[29:09] coaching, again, as you're reading that,
[29:12] think of rate of speech of having a
[29:13] scale from zero to 10. Yeah. All right,
[29:15] so one being painfully slow and 10 being
[29:17] as quick as you possibly can.
[29:18] So, you were around playing around a
[29:20] five. Very comfortable, that's your
[29:21] default rate of speech. Most of us when
[29:23] we're nervous, we just have a default
[29:24] rate of speech. We fall victim to a
[29:26] default rate of speech.
[29:27] When you think about rate of speech,
[29:29] there's a way to use it.
[29:31] And the way you use rate of speech is
[29:34] if you really want to highlight a point,
[29:35] creating an auditory highlight, slow
[29:38] down.
[29:40] That creates an auditory highlight. It's
[29:42] like a highlighter with your words. And
[29:43] if you want to be able to show charisma
[29:44] and energy, you you speed up. And if
[29:46] it's not as as important, you can speed
[29:47] up and that's fine.
[29:48] This simple rule gives you vocal variety
[29:50] with your rate of speech.
[29:52] That simple rule. And what does changing
[29:54] my rate of speech then do to the message
[29:56] I'm communicating? It makes it more
[29:58] memorable.
[29:58] Clear, okay. There's more clarity in it.
[30:00] Right, so for example, if I if I was
[30:01] speaking and I said
[30:03] right now I'm going to go through the
[30:04] five core vocal foundations and I'm
[30:05] going to take you first one through is
[30:06] the rate of speech then after that I'm
[30:07] going to talk to you about pitch and
[30:08] melody and then after that I'll talk to
[30:09] you about the importance of the other
[30:10] three. Right now, you have no idea what
[30:12] is important and what is not important.
[30:13] Okay, right.
[30:14] Whereas all of a sudden now, if I said
[30:16] I'm going to take you through the core
[30:18] five vocal foundations.
[30:21] All of a sudden you now have a point of
[30:22] focus. And the big thing that people
[30:24] want with their communication is
[30:25] clarity.
[30:27] Well, if you are going to be more clear,
[30:29] the delivery needs to be clear so that
[30:31] the receiver gets what you intend.
[30:34] Okay. It's not just about the exchange
[30:35] of information because how I say
[30:37] something impacts how you receive it.
[30:38] So, I want to slow down where I want to
[30:39] hit emphasis.
[30:40] Yes. Okay.
[30:41] And this script has multiple places
[30:43] where you want to slow down. When people
[30:44] are nervous Yes. What what happens?
[30:47] up. They speed up.
[30:48] They speed up. Considerably.
[30:49] Considerably.
[30:51] And have they ever measured that?
[30:53] Oh.
[30:53] Does anybody know? If you get above 210
[30:56] words per minute, you're you'll be a
[30:57] little bit too fast. And what's the
[30:58] average person speaking at in terms of
[31:00] words per minute?
[31:00] Around 150. You want to get to around
[31:02] 150-180. That's very good. That's a good
[31:04] kind of rate of speech to be at.
[31:07] Whereas if you're slower than that, then
[31:08] again, it just gets a little bit
[31:09] monotonous at times for people. But
[31:11] again,
[31:12] here's what's fascinating.
[31:14] If I
[31:16] if all of a sudden now
[31:18] I stick to a default melody and then
[31:19] stick to a default rate of speech,
[31:21] notice what's happening in your brain.
[31:23] Right? All of a sudden, you start to
[31:24] Again, you start to switch off, right?
[31:26] Whereas all of a sudden, if I start to
[31:27] vary my rate of speech, the transition
[31:28] from slow to fast is what's hooking
[31:30] people. So if you were to try to read
[31:31] that again now,
[31:32] but I want you to slow And some bits
[31:34] painfully slow down and play with your
[31:36] voice. And then some bits go quicker.
[31:39] And then the last bit, I'm going to kill
[31:40] you, slow it all the way down. And be
[31:42] playful. It's not about
[31:45] Okay, I'm going to start from here.
[31:46] Sure.
[31:47] If you're looking for a ransom
[31:50] I can tell you that I don't have money.
[31:54] But what I do have
[31:56] are a particular set of skills.
[31:59] Skills I have acquired
[32:02] over a very
[32:04] long
[32:05] career.
[32:06] Let's skip to the end.
[32:09] If you let my daughter go
[32:12] that will be the end of it.
[32:15] I will not look for you. I will not
[32:17] pursue you. But if you don't
[32:19] I will look for you.
[32:21] I will find
[32:24] you.
[32:26] And
[32:27] I
[32:28] will
[32:30] kill
[32:32] you. Yes, give him a big round of
[32:34] applause. That was amazing, right? But
[32:36] again, you feel so strange when you do
[32:38] it.
[32:38] Yeah, I do.
[32:39] Yeah. It's so fun to listen to.
[32:42] And And And again, this is us
[32:43] practicing. This is a safe environment.
[32:45] I'm not
[32:46] Don't do your next podcast like that.
[32:48] But, again, it just goes to show the
[32:49] range that we have access to. And how it
[32:51] changes the message in such a profound
[32:52] way. It's the same words. Yeah.
[32:54] It's the same words, but when you read
[32:55] it the first time, it didn't sound scary
[32:57] at all. Now, I feel scared. There's
[33:00] something I I noticed this in like board
[33:01] meetings and stuff, especially with like
[33:03] younger team members or people that
[33:04] would class themselves as being shy,
[33:07] that they do hurry along. And there is a
[33:09] certain Someone said to me the other day
[33:10] that people that have the most
[33:12] confidence and charisma, they like move
[33:15] and talk as if a li- if they were a li-
[33:17] a lion.
[33:17] Yeah, yeah. You know, they're slow and
[33:19] they're composed.
[33:21] Predator versus predator. I remember
[33:22] listening to the episode. It was
[33:23] fantastic.
[33:24] Yeah. There is. It's people who are
[33:26] confident take their time. What's that
[33:28] third one? Okay.
[33:30] I'll just read part of it. Okay. Read
[33:32] part of it. You're You're You're more
[33:33] than happy to freestyle. Read part of
[33:34] it. Now, if you know what you are worth,
[33:36] then go out and get what you are worth.
[33:38] But, you have to be willing to take the
[33:40] hits and not pointing fingers saying you
[33:42] ain't where you want to be because of
[33:44] him or her or anybody. Cowards do that.
[33:47] And that ain't you. You're better than
[33:49] that. Now, the thing is, this next one
[33:51] is volume.
[33:52] Oh, [ __ ] Yeah. Volume so critical.
[33:55] Okay. For many different reasons. Volume
[33:58] is the lifeblood of your voice.
[34:00] Mhm.
[34:01] Volume carries all the other foundations
[34:02] you're about to learn. Volume carries
[34:04] the melody. Volume carries the rate of
[34:06] speech. It carries everything. Right?
[34:08] And again, I think of it as having a
[34:09] scale of 1 to 10.
[34:11] And a lot of the times, like what you
[34:12] just did, people are around a three,
[34:16] a four, Mhm.
[34:17] and they stay around there.
[34:19] When you use volume, there's two ways to
[34:22] auditorily highlight something with
[34:24] volume. Volume's fascinating cuz with
[34:25] rate of speech, you slow down.
[34:27] But, with volume,
[34:28] to highlight something,
[34:30] you could go very quiet.
[34:32] Okay.
[34:33] So, if all of a sudden I wanted to say
[34:34] something scary, I could lower my volume
[34:37] and say it.
[34:38] But then all of a sudden notice what
[34:39] happens if I just stay here now.
[34:41] What started as a great verbal highlight
[34:44] now just kind of seems
[34:45] doesn't seem effective anymore. Because
[34:47] if you make something default,
[34:50] it becomes non-functional.
[34:52] And what signals I'm not a confident
[34:54] person? What side of the scale?
[34:57] The lower scale. Okay.
[34:58] On volume. Okay. Because that's one of
[35:00] the
[35:00] default shy behaviors that a lot of
[35:03] people exhibit. And what about leaders?
[35:04] Where do they land on the scale?
[35:07] Depends if they're self-aware. Right.
[35:08] Sometimes if they're not self-aware,
[35:10] they can be on the higher end. And
[35:11] that's, you know,
[35:12] you just have someone come across as a
[35:13] little arrogant. Sometimes they're just
[35:15] too much volume. Because too much volume
[35:17] without the other foundations, now you
[35:18] come across arrogant. So, again, if I
[35:20] give this back to you,
[35:21] and again, just for fun, like I I want
[35:23] you to go loud. I want people to hear
[35:25] outside of this studio what we're doing.
[35:26] Yeah, [ __ ] So, just just have a go. And
[35:28] just And give me And give me a whisper,
[35:29] too. At some point you give me a
[35:31] whisper, too.
[35:34] Now, if you know what you're worth,
[35:36] go out and get it.
[35:38] Go out and get what you're worth.
[35:40] But you have to be willing
[35:41] to take the hits.
[35:45] And not point your finger saying you
[35:46] ain't where you want to be because of
[35:47] him or her or anybody.
[35:50] Cowards do that.
[35:51] And that ain't you. Yeah.
[35:53] You're better than that.
[35:55] Oh.
[35:56] It's amazing. Yeah. What you just did
[35:58] made me feel. Why did I feel? Is What is
[36:00] a voice? A voice is a series of
[36:01] vibrations.
[36:02] So, you just sent
[36:05] vibrations my way that made me feel.
[36:07] Mhm. That's why we say people have good
[36:09] vibes.
[36:10] Right? We kind of we we we understand
[36:11] it's happening, but we don't understand
[36:13] at that kind of frequency level, at the
[36:14] vibration level. But it's happening at a
[36:16] physical level. Mhm. Where depending on
[36:18] how you use your voice, you're genuinely
[36:21] moving people quite physically.
[36:25] We did rate of speech, we did volume, we
[36:27] did the metronome, yeah.
[36:29] And then there's there's two left,
[36:30] right?
[36:31] There's two left, yeah. Right. So this
[36:32] one, read it as you would, parts of it.
[36:35] And it's not because I'm lonely, and
[36:36] it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I
[36:38] came here tonight because when you
[36:39] realize you want to spend the rest of
[36:41] your life with somebody, you want the
[36:42] rest of your life to start as soon as
[36:44] possible.
[36:45] What we're moving into now is the
[36:47] emotion that exists within your voice,
[36:49] tonality. This is the emotion that
[36:50] exists, right? So the way to add more
[36:53] emotion into your voice is to move your
[36:55] face.
[36:57] Because as I eloquently put it at times,
[36:59] your face is the remote control that
[37:01] allows you to add emotion into your
[37:02] voice. Yeah. So let's play, right? So
[37:05] now I'll give you different faces to
[37:07] make, I'll tell you different faces to
[37:08] make, and you make those different
[37:09] faces, and allow those emotions to come
[37:10] through your voice. Okay. So if it's
[37:12] happy, then I want you to sound really
[37:13] happy. If it's sad, I want you to sound
[37:14] really sad. So what we'll start with and
[37:16] and try your best to play with this. I
[37:17] want you to make disgust, like just uh
[37:20] disgust, and let that come through, and
[37:21] give me a more volume. Give me disgust
[37:23] in three, two.
[37:25] And it's not because you're lonely.
[37:27] Yeah.
[37:27] And it's not because it's New Year's
[37:29] Eve.
[37:29] Surprised. Really surprised.
[37:32] I came here tonight because when you
[37:34] realize you want to spend the rest of
[37:36] your life
[37:36] Angry. Give me angry.
[37:39] You want the rest of your life to start
[37:40] as soon as possible.
[37:41] Happy. Best of your life, Stephen. You
[37:43] want the rest of your life to start as
[37:45] soon as possible. That's so beautiful.
[37:47] You know this already. In our brains,
[37:49] there's mirror neurons, right? And when
[37:50] I see you go through these different
[37:52] facial expressions, I feel what you
[37:53] feel. Even though I know this is a a a
[37:56] situation we've created here for us to
[37:57] experiment in, it's a safe environment,
[37:59] but every time you went through any of
[38:00] those emotions, I felt it. Mhm.
[38:03] Because I didn't just see it. Are men
[38:05] worse at this stuff? Yes, they are. Yes,
[38:08] because I feel well, for me, I can only
[38:10] speak personally for me, I was taught to
[38:11] keep my emotions on the inside. Right. I
[38:13] was taught that it's a sign of weakness
[38:15] to show you being sad, you being happy.
[38:18] You should just be Composed.
[38:19] Composed at all times.
[38:21] And then that's what I thought and that
[38:22] that led me to the behavior of speaking.
[38:25] Whereas I would just always speak like
[38:26] this.
[38:27] Because I'm a man.
[38:28] And I should always speak like this. And
[38:30] I still remember going to one of the
[38:31] concerts and my my my wife turns up and
[38:33] she goes, "How do you feel?" I'm like,
[38:34] "This is a really exciting concert."
[38:37] And and and and she goes, "Well, okay.
[38:39] You obviously hate it." And I'm like,
[38:40] "No, no, I I love it. I love it." And I
[38:43] just I didn't know how to emote.
[38:45] And again, I thought I was stuck like
[38:46] that. Because I was stuck like that for
[38:47] years. And that that damaged a lot of my
[38:50] relationships.
[38:51] Because here's a thing that I think
[38:54] and it might be helpful for you, too.
[38:56] When you're listening to someone talk,
[38:57] you don't have to react with sound.
[38:59] Because otherwise, you'll be seen as
[39:00] interrupting the other person, right?
[39:02] You can react with facial expressions.
[39:05] And that is one of the most powerful
[39:06] ways to show them you're listening and
[39:07] that you're following along.
[39:09] How cool is that? Cuz if someone's
[39:10] saying something really bad and you're
[39:11] like,
[39:12] Yeah. It shows them you're locked in.
[39:14] Yeah, you learn it as a podcaster.
[39:15] Yeah, you do. Because the audience
[39:17] they're looking at you
[39:19] for most of the conversation. So, 95% of
[39:21] the conversation's on you. Yes. What
[39:22] they don't know Yes.
[39:23] is that throughout that time, I'm
[39:25] basically talking to you with my face.
[39:27] You are. And you're really good at it.
[39:29] So, if I turn my head like this, it
[39:31] means tell me more. So, I'll be You'll
[39:32] be talking like that like this. And it
[39:33] means tell me more. Yes. And then it's
[39:36] it's interesting.
[39:36] And you can expand that range.
[39:38] Yeah. It doesn't just have to be
[39:39] curious. Yeah. And cuz I see you do it.
[39:41] Yeah. I see you consistently do the
[39:42] different faces to give me the cue to
[39:44] almost go, "Oh, he wants to elaborate.
[39:46] Oh, he's in. He's locked in." Do you
[39:47] know you can The thing I've learned from
[39:48] both speaking on stage and doing this is
[39:50] you can also [ __ ] it up. You can also
[39:52] communicate the wrong thing
[39:53] Yes. accidentally. One of them that
[39:55] people communicate quite often with that
[39:57] accidentally is they start talking while
[40:02] you're speaking. Do you ever know that
[40:03] like when someone's
[40:04] um listening to speak,
[40:06] they start They start going like this,
[40:07] "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."
[40:09] And it means shut the [ __ ] up. I need to
[40:11] I have something to say.
[40:13] I just did it No, like that. But there's
[40:14] that kind of
[40:16] NO, BUT IT'S THAT KIND of thing. It's
[40:17] like, you know, I think who was it I was
[40:18] talking to? It was Vanessa, she said,
[40:20] "If you do the fast nod,
[40:22] it means shut the [ __ ] up. So, if you go
[40:24] yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But,
[40:25] if you do the slow nod, it means oh, I
[40:26] love this." So, if if I go
[40:28] Oh, I learned something. That's
[40:30] curiosity. Tell me more. Versus
[40:33] Yeah.
[40:34] When do you shut the [ __ ] up?
[40:36] Yeah, yeah, and wave my hand. Yeah,
[40:37] yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay, so tonality, so
[40:39] emotion. And that was so beautiful to
[40:41] see you do that.
[40:42] Because it just again, we just have such
[40:44] great range.
[40:45] And then imagine you start to vary your
[40:46] rate of speech now.
[40:48] You vary volume. You've got different
[40:49] melody. You've also got different facial
[40:51] expressions. This is such a rich
[40:54] song that you're playing now.
[40:56] Do you think much about the actual words
[40:58] you're saying as well?
[40:59] Of course.
[40:59] You can see that you think about the
[41:01] structure of what you're saying. I mean,
[41:03] the like you're thinking about cuz when
[41:05] you start speaking, I notice that you
[41:08] often go into a story straight away.
[41:10] Something interesting. You'll say, "This
[41:11] is one of the greatest things I've
[41:12] learned from my teacher."
[41:14] Is that intentional? It is, because I
[41:16] believe stories are more sticky than me
[41:18] just throwing you a bunch of tips and
[41:20] hacks and tricks. Do you have a
[41:21] storytelling formula? I do. What is the
[41:23] storytelling formula?
[41:25] I think the way most people tell stories
[41:27] is they report stories.
[41:29] So, I'll share a story with you, okay?
[41:31] And reporting a story is let's say you
[41:33] ask me the question, "I This is one of
[41:34] my favorite stories."
[41:36] It's let's say you ask me how I met my
[41:37] wife. A reporting a story
[41:39] is just me saying, "Oh, I met my wife at
[41:41] a bar." And I did some magic to her, she
[41:42] didn't like it, and that was cool.
[41:44] And I gradually was able to woo her in
[41:46] the end, but I met her at a bar.
[41:48] That's me That's me reporting the story.
[41:50] Right? It kind of sounds like a news
[41:51] reporter. Yeah. Right? So, if you think
[41:53] about it again, let me just anchor it
[41:54] with the news reporter. It's like a news
[41:55] reporter saying,
[41:56] "Last night at a bar at 9:00 p.m., Vin
[41:59] Jang went to a bar called Distill and
[42:00] tried to pick up a girl, did a cheesy
[42:01] magic trick, it didn't work. Therefore,
[42:02] he failed. He came back four times
[42:04] again, and then he saw her, and then he
[42:05] succeeded, and now they're married. On
[42:07] to the next news." Right? So, it's it's
[42:09] kind of very reportory.
[42:11] Whereas matter-of-fact. Matter-of-fact.
[42:13] Whereas this is the story of how I met
[42:15] my wife.
[42:16] So I still remember this because
[42:18] this happened in 2009.
[42:19] I crashed a girl's graduation party
[42:22] named Vivian. It was at a bar called
[42:24] Distill, this beautiful bar called
[42:25] Distill. And there was two levels to
[42:27] this bar, on the bottom was for
[42:30] everybody and on top was the high
[42:31] rollers and you had to buy expensive
[42:33] drinks to get to the top. And I got to
[42:34] the top and I saw this beautiful
[42:35] Malaysian girl sitting by the bar.
[42:37] So I said to my friends, I said, "Watch
[42:38] this." And I take a packet of cards out
[42:40] of my pants cuz I'm a magician. So I
[42:42] walk up to her, walk up to her and I
[42:43] say,
[42:44] "Would you be impressed if I transform
[42:47] this king of hearts into the queen of
[42:48] hearts like yourself?"
[42:51] Mhm.
[42:51] Disgusted. I know, you're making the
[42:52] disgusted face. And and that's how she
[42:54] reacted. She she looked at me as if she
[42:56] smelled a bloody fart. She looks at me
[42:58] and she goes,
[42:59] "I'd be more impressed if you
[43:00] transformed into a real man and had a
[43:01] conversation with me."
[43:02] Boom!
[43:05] And I've never had that reaction before.
[43:07] Normally people say, "Wow, you're
[43:08] amazing." So I said to her, "No,
[43:09] thanks." And I left, tail between my
[43:11] legs, the boys all teased me and
[43:12] everything. But I was so drawn to her
[43:15] confidence. Just uh there was something
[43:18] there. I went back to the bar four times
[43:20] in a row. She wasn't there, she wasn't
[43:21] there, she wasn't there, then she was
[43:22] there.
[43:23] And I walked up to her the second time
[43:24] and I said, "Hey,
[43:26] listen,
[43:27] what if I transform into a real man
[43:28] tonight and take you out for a coffee?"
[43:31] And we fell in love.
[43:33] You know, and that that's that's the
[43:34] story of how I met my wife.
[43:36] Whereas the way I would normally tell
[43:38] that story is just oh I met her at a
[43:39] bar, did some tricks, she didn't like it
[43:40] and then that was fine. Yeah. But all of
[43:42] a sudden there was so much life, so much
[43:43] zest in that story. I noticed you added
[43:46] so much almost irrelevant detail.
[43:48] Uh-huh.
[43:49] But you talked about the bar having two
[43:50] floors and stuff.
[43:51] it visual. Okay, so I could picture it
[43:53] in my mind. I wanted to make it visual.
[43:55] Well, it's it's it's well okay, so
[43:56] here's the thing, when you think of the
[43:57] storytelling formula,
[43:59] if you just give the who, what, where,
[44:00] and when, that's the basics people need.
[44:03] But what turns it from reporting to
[44:05] reliving,
[44:07] because that's what you want to get to.
[44:08] You want to get to reliving a story, is
[44:10] the ingredients that you just called
[44:11] out. So intuitive of you to call them
[44:13] out.
[44:14] Vaks, V A K S, which stands for visual,
[44:17] auditory, kinesthetic, and smell.
[44:20] So, I'm just describing those few things
[44:21] for you, right? It doesn't always have
[44:22] to have all the ingredients, but you
[44:23] want to add some of those ingredients.
[44:25] All right, so the visual I described to
[44:26] you, the visual. The auditory, what I
[44:28] said. I did my voice. I did her voice. I
[44:30] gave you dialogue. Right? So, all of a
[44:32] sudden you bring those the story to
[44:33] life. Now, it goes from reporting to
[44:36] reliving.
[44:38] So, if I if I told that story, and let's
[44:40] say that now the connection ability is
[44:42] again, it's to do with improv as well,
[44:44] is instead of just going out and saying,
[44:47] "Here's three ways to show up
[44:49] authentically when you're trying to pick
[44:50] up someone." Yeah. Instead of doing
[44:52] that, I share the story first.
[44:53] I get you engaged. I build rapport. I
[44:55] build chemistry. Now, you've heard the
[44:57] story. Now, you have rapport with me.
[44:59] You feel more relaxed. You feel more
[45:01] creative, right? Then, I link that story
[45:03] to
[45:04] So, the very next time you walk into a
[45:05] girl, if she does say no, she may not be
[45:07] saying no to you. She may just be saying
[45:09] no to your approach.
[45:11] Here are the three ways you can show up
[45:12] more authentically as a man.
[45:15] I believe that is a much more powerful
[45:17] way
[45:17] to then go into the three tips.
[45:20] Whereas, I I feel that because of the
[45:22] world now with social media, we just we
[45:25] we we we we've lost the art form of
[45:27] storytelling. It's just give me the
[45:28] three tips now. I've heard you talk
[45:30] about these four elements to a great
[45:31] story, which is the hook,
[45:33] the struggle, the break through, and the
[45:36] application, which is kind of what you
[45:37] just displayed there. Well, the the
[45:39] importance of application I think is
[45:40] something that I really focus on with my
[45:42] students. The And by application you
[45:43] mean the lesson or the big takeaway from
[45:45] the story. Cuz sometimes people tell
[45:47] stories and they go nowhere. Well, it's
[45:48] also what you do after. Okay.
[45:51] Because I can I can share a story, but
[45:53] if I
[45:54] One of our videos went viral. And I
[45:56] don't claim to be an expert on social
[45:58] media, okay? So, I don't I still don't
[46:00] understand how some of these things
[46:01] work. Even though we've been able to
[46:02] grow all of our social channels quite
[46:04] quickly. I don't understand how it
[46:05] works. It to me I'm like, "Oh well, I
[46:07] can't believe that worked last time. Oh,
[46:08] it doesn't work anymore. Huh, that's
[46:09] weird."
[46:10] So, to me it's
[46:13] what people love is when you give them a
[46:14] really simple pragmatic takeaway that
[46:17] they can go and actually do.
[46:19] Like, go do it now. Mhm. Where Where is
[46:21] we we don't apply knowledge.
[46:24] We just keep
[46:26] consuming and go through knowledge
[46:27] acquisition.
[46:29] There's There's a cycle of doom that we
[46:30] go through. There's just this cycle of I
[46:32] mean, this is the cycle my students go
[46:33] through.
[46:34] Oh, job promotion.
[46:36] Oh crap, I need to work on my
[46:36] communication skills. What's the first
[46:37] thing they do? They go to Google.
[46:39] And then they Google, "How do I improve
[46:40] my interview skills, my communication
[46:41] skills?" Then they get back 10.6 million
[46:43] results. They go, "Ah, this is too
[46:44] crazy. Surely someone's created a
[46:45] YouTube video." Then they go to YouTube.
[46:47] They type in, "How to improve
[46:48] communication skills?" They get 3
[46:49] million videos. Right, and they go, "Ah,
[46:51] this is too ChatGPT. I'll go to ChatGPT
[46:53] now. How to improve communication
[46:55] skills?" And it gives you these generic
[46:56] answers from blogs that have no
[46:58] relevance to you. And then after that
[46:59] you feel so overwhelmed you do nothing
[47:01] with it.
[47:02] But it's just this cycle we all fall
[47:04] victim to over and over and over again.
[47:06] We just keep consuming knowledge and
[47:07] nothing actually changes because we're
[47:09] not applying it.
[47:11] So, the the key is to get out there
[47:14] and start running some of these
[47:15] techniques in the real world.
[47:17] And just pick one.
[47:19] Pick one and just try it. It's like
[47:21] we're going through all these different
[47:22] things. Right after this episode, go out
[47:24] and just try tonality with your kids.
[47:26] And read them a children's book because
[47:28] those books are naturally emotive. And
[47:29] if you don't have kids, borrow a niece
[47:31] or nephew. And just watch the impact on
[47:34] the other human being as you play with
[47:36] your instrument. Watch them smile. Watch
[47:38] them giggle. Watch them react to the way
[47:40] you play your instrument.
[47:42] Because then it wakes you up
[47:44] to the fact that you've got access to
[47:45] this.
[47:47] And that I can change the way someone
[47:48] feels.
[47:49] What power?
[47:51] Yet we don't use it.
[47:53] I just realized that there's one more
[47:54] left.
[47:55] There is one more left, yeah. Okay, I
[47:56] know what I know what this is.
[47:57] Yeah, yeah, of course. If you didn't, I
[47:58] would be quite deeply offended. Yeah.
[48:00] I'll get you to read this, and we'll
[48:01] play with the last one. Okay. Yeah.
[48:03] Okay.
[48:04] My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius.
[48:07] Correct. Commander of the armies of the
[48:09] north, general of the Felix legions,
[48:11] loyal servant to the true emperor,
[48:13] Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered
[48:15] son, husband to a murdered wife.
[48:18] And I will have my vengeance in this
[48:19] life or the next. Perfect.
[48:22] Now, we're going to read it again,
[48:23] except the final foundation here with
[48:25] the voice is pause.
[48:27] Whatever emotion comes before the pause,
[48:29] once you pause, it intensifies that
[48:30] emotion.
[48:32] So, if you've got the feeling of anger
[48:33] and you pause,
[48:35] oh, that is a pause of anger. But, if
[48:37] all of a sudden I'm sad and
[48:39] and then I pause,
[48:40] you prolong the sadness.
[48:41] It's a pause of sadness. And think about
[48:43] how important the pause is in music, and
[48:45] I love the world of music. I love
[48:46] listening to orchestral music. And when
[48:47] you think about it, what happens right
[48:49] after a crescendo?
[48:52] It's a pause, silence. The most
[48:54] important note that they play during
[48:56] that piece.
[48:58] Yet, we barely use it.
[49:00] And what else does the pause do? When
[49:01] you pause, you give me time to process
[49:03] what you're saying. Mhm. Yet, we are so
[49:05] afraid of the pause.
[49:07] My name is Maximus
[49:09] Decimus Meridius.
[49:11] Commander
[49:12] of the armies of the north.
[49:14] General
[49:15] of the Felix legions.
[49:18] Loyal servant
[49:20] to the true
[49:21] emperor.
[49:23] Marcus Aurelius.
[49:25] Father to the murdered son.
[49:28] Husband to a murdered wife.
[49:32] And I will have my vengeance
[49:36] in this life
[49:38] or the next. Ah.
[49:40] Beautiful.
[49:42] When you paused, you gave me time to to
[49:45] process the weight of what you're
[49:46] saying.
[49:47] Mhm. The first time you read it, you
[49:48] rushed through it. Just like that
[49:50] nervous employee in front of their
[49:51] leaders who just rushed through it. You
[49:53] may have just shared the most brilliant
[49:54] plan
[49:55] for a marketing campaign, but because
[49:57] you rushed through it, I didn't feel the
[49:58] weight of
[49:59] how profound the strategy is. It's
[50:01] something when you pause, you almost
[50:03] you tell the person, don't you, almost
[50:05] inexplicably that
[50:07] they should really give a [ __ ] about the
[50:08] thing you just said. Like it really
[50:10] mattered. It's important. Yeah, cuz
[50:12] you're like giving it space to breathe.
[50:15] And you see what all of these
[50:16] foundations do. What do they give you
[50:18] ultimately? Like what does it ultimately
[50:19] lead to? Clarity.
[50:21] Do you think there's a certain
[50:23] set of those tools that when applied or
[50:25] a certain sort of
[50:27] style of speaking that makes people
[50:29] dislike you? Is there a sound one that
[50:31] just doesn't make them warm to you? Is
[50:32] it the low pitches? Is it the fast
[50:34] speaking?
[50:36] The
[50:37] the sounds that people don't like.
[50:39] For example, have you ever called I
[50:41] don't mean to pick on real estate
[50:43] agents, but it happens a lot to me in
[50:44] Australia. When you call a real estate
[50:45] agent, it's
[50:47] Hello, this is James from XY real
[50:49] estate.
[50:50] And when you hear that sequence of
[50:51] melody,
[50:53] no worries, I'll put you on to the next
[50:54] person. And you hit you switch off. You
[50:55] just go, ah, this person just I'm just
[50:57] I'm not really connected to that person.
[50:59] And all you have to do is you just tell
[51:00] them to switch the melody and just
[51:02] don't use that sing-song voice. And they
[51:04] call that a sing-song voice in the world
[51:05] of vocal training, right? You've got a
[51:06] sing-song voice. And if you keep
[51:07] following the same rhythm, you have a
[51:09] sing-song voice.
[51:10] So instead of doing that, just go, hey,
[51:11] it's James. How can I help, mate?
[51:14] You said the same thing. You just
[51:15] switched up the melody. That sounds a
[51:16] little more sincere. Cuz it was a bit
[51:18] more varied. Exactly, right. And it's
[51:20] not what everybody uses.
[51:22] Because once everybody uses the same
[51:23] thing, all of a sudden it now sounds
[51:26] like a script. That's why people are so
[51:27] afraid when they create the content
[51:28] online, they go,
[51:30] I don't want to sound scripted.
[51:33] There's a sound to it. And it generally
[51:35] follows up That's why newscasters, they
[51:37] there's a sound to it.
[51:38] Yeah. Last night at 9:00 p.m.
[51:40] There's that there's a rhythm and then
[51:41] they keep using the same rhythm over and
[51:43] over and over and over again. The same
[51:44] melody sequence over over and over and
[51:45] over again. And am I right in thinking
[51:46] if I wanted to be really boring, I
[51:48] should just kill all variety?
[51:50] Kill all the foundations. Nothing. Give
[51:52] me nothing.
[51:53] And And it's what happens when people,
[51:55] again, the people that I serve, it's
[51:56] what happens is because they go
[51:59] I'll let my work speak for itself.
[52:02] And And I say that's great. That means
[52:03] you do great work, but why not speak for
[52:05] your work, too?
[52:06] Why can't we do both? Mhm. Why does it
[52:08] have to be one or the other?
[52:10] Yeah. It's a shame not to do your work
[52:12] justice.
[52:13] You know, cuz you can do it a disservice
[52:14] just by delivering it without the
[52:16] foundations as you've said. Yeah. And
[52:18] And then other people, as you said, they
[52:19] could have a half the idea, but double
[52:22] the
[52:23] double the showmanship.
[52:24] Yeah. And that happens, too.
[52:25] That happens, too, right? So, to me,
[52:27] it's about helping those who
[52:29] they've they've got something amazing.
[52:31] You've got a story you need to share.
[52:32] You've got an idea you need to pitch.
[52:35] You've got incredible technical skills
[52:36] that you've worked on for the last 15
[52:37] years.
[52:38] And you're thinking, why am I still
[52:40] stuck in this position?
[52:41] It's well, hey, let's let's do great
[52:43] work and let's
[52:45] let's allow ourselves to
[52:46] build the ability and grow the ability
[52:47] to shine. How does one increase their
[52:50] self-awareness as it relates to their
[52:52] communication skills? Is there a Is
[52:54] there a practice I can do to understand
[52:55] if I'm good, bad, or ugly at this?
[52:58] If you're a problem unaware of
[52:59] communication, and right now you just
[53:00] go, "Ooh, this is something I need to
[53:02] work on." Then this is the three-step
[53:04] process you have to commit to. And just
[53:06] by doing this,
[53:08] it's going to dramatically change the
[53:09] way you talk. It's going to dramatically
[53:11] change the way you show up.
[53:13] I call it record and review.
[53:14] I learned this as a magician.
[53:16] And it's so practical when it comes to
[53:18] magic and communication skills.
[53:21] First step.
[53:22] Record a video of yourself speaking for
[53:24] 5 minutes.
[53:25] A full 5 minutes. And then people always
[53:26] immediately say, "Oh, what do I say,
[53:28] though?"
[53:29] Google or ChatGPT, great conversational
[53:32] starters. And then use those for
[53:34] yourself and just talk, but it has to be
[53:35] impromptu.
[53:36] Because I'm trying to tease out core
[53:37] behaviors. I don't want you to give me a
[53:39] pitch that you've delivered 20 times
[53:40] already. I want you to just in the
[53:42] moment speak. I'm trying to tease out
[53:43] some non-functional behaviors. So, once
[53:45] you've recorded that video of yourself
[53:46] for 5 minutes,
[53:48] leave it for a day. Video or just audio?
[53:50] Video. You want video, you want to be
[53:51] standing while you're doing this. Okay?
[53:53] Once you've got that video recorded,
[53:54] leave it for a day. Because when you
[53:56] watch it straight away,
[53:57] I'm fat. I'm ugly. I don't like myself.
[54:00] I hate the way I sound. You leave it for
[54:01] a day, you're thinner, you're better
[54:02] looking, you love yourself more.
[54:04] Time and space, it's amazing. So, leave
[54:06] it for a day.
[54:07] Then when you watch it back, you review
[54:09] it in three different ways.
[54:11] The first time,
[54:12] so you record on your phone, you turn
[54:14] the sound all the way up, press play,
[54:16] turn your phone over, just listen.
[54:19] Here you're doing an auditory review.
[54:21] And just listen to your voice. And now,
[54:23] because you've listened to this podcast,
[54:24] you also have five vocal foundations you
[54:26] can think about. So, now auditorily,
[54:28] think about how's my rate of speech?
[54:30] How's my volume? Oh, my default rate is
[54:33] around a three. Oh, I speak really slow
[54:35] and I stick to that. Oh, my default
[54:36] volume is Oh my goodness, it's one.
[54:39] Oh, wow, there's no tonality. There's no
[54:40] emotion in my voice. There's no pitch
[54:42] for right Oh, I am not pausing. You'll
[54:44] be able to take so many notes and you'll
[54:46] be able to hear things you've never been
[54:48] able to hear before because most people
[54:49] avoid filming themselves.
[54:53] Because I hate the way I look and I hate
[54:54] the way I sound.
[54:55] Right? Mhm. So, to me, once you do that,
[54:57] you'll have you'll have a page of notes
[54:59] and a whole new level of awareness on
[55:02] your auditory communication skills.
[55:05] So, the next step is now you turn your
[55:07] phone back around, you turn the sound
[55:09] and put it on mute, you press play and
[55:11] you just look at yourself.
[55:13] And then as you're watching yourself,
[55:14] because most people don't do this unless
[55:15] they're creators, you don't do this.
[55:17] That's why creators are such great
[55:18] communicators is because they do this.
[55:20] That's why you're a a great listener in
[55:21] a podcast is because you watch yourself
[55:22] back. So, now as you just watch yourself
[55:24] back without the auditory feedback, all
[55:27] of a sudden now you'll see things you
[55:28] don't normally see.
[55:29] Oh, wow, I'm swiveling a lot on my
[55:31] chair.
[55:32] Oh, wow, I don't use my hands just Oh, I
[55:33] I put my hands behind my back. Oh, this
[55:36] is my big tick.
[55:37] I keep touching my glass I can't help
[55:39] it.
[55:39] I need to work on that. But you keep
[55:41] touching your glasses, right? I keep
[55:42] touching my face. I keep touching my
[55:43] mouth. I keep fiddling with things.
[55:45] You'll see a whole bunch of
[55:46] non-functional behaviors that you've
[55:48] never seen before because you've avoided
[55:50] it.
[55:51] And also because you have this idea in
[55:52] your head that you're stuck. Mhm. You're
[55:53] not. It's just a series of behaviors.
[55:57] Right? And then afterwards
[55:59] the final form of review
[56:01] don't listen to it and don't watch it.
[56:03] Get it transcribed.
[56:06] Because now you'll see the way you
[56:08] communicate from a different
[56:09] perspective. And you go, "Oh my
[56:10] goodness, I ramble."
[56:12] I talk I talked about the same thing
[56:14] over you because you see it from a
[56:15] different perspective. Sometimes you
[56:16] don't hear that. It's easier to see it.
[56:19] And then you see it and I can see you
[56:20] reacting, right? But that's that's what
[56:22] people do is they they go, "Oh, not only
[56:24] do I ramble
[56:25] because when you get it transcribed,
[56:26] leave in all of the non-words and the
[56:27] filler words. Non-words being the sounds
[56:30] we make to fill the silence. Filler
[56:31] words being the words we use to fill the
[56:32] silence. And so like, do you know what I
[56:34] mean?
[56:36] This transcription is immediately going
[56:38] to reveal to you
[56:40] all of your auditory clutter.
[56:43] The things that you say, again,
[56:44] non-words and filler words, auditory
[56:45] clutter. That's the again, the and so
[56:48] like, do you know what I mean? Um uh
[56:50] Highlight it with a red highlighter.
[56:52] Because it might not just be those.
[56:54] One of my big ones was okay.
[56:58] I taught online
[56:59] during COVID. As a result of that
[57:02] because I didn't get the in-person
[57:03] feedback from my students I would always
[57:05] say okay at the end of my sentences
[57:07] because I wasn't getting any feedback.
[57:09] So I say, "That's the vocal foundations,
[57:10] okay? All right. Now, that's body
[57:12] language, okay? Okay? Okay?" And I
[57:14] didn't even notice I was doing it.
[57:16] But that process revealed to me
[57:17] immediately, "Oh, wow. I didn't know
[57:19] that."
[57:20] I was able to remove that cuz it didn't
[57:22] serve.
[57:23] Why does it matter to remove the clutter
[57:26] words? You know, the like, as, um mhm.
[57:28] Why does it matter? I'll give you an
[57:31] example of it. You know, like um if I
[57:33] you know, was uh taking you through like
[57:36] the
[57:37] core
[57:38] you know, vocal foundations. You know,
[57:40] like
[57:41] uh
[57:42] Mhm. It decreases the clarity of the
[57:44] message.
[57:45] It's okay to have some. Be human. I get
[57:47] it. It's not about none, but it's about
[57:49] having some and not have your speech
[57:52] littered with it.
[57:53] Is it easy
[57:55] to overcome that? Yeah, it is. Because
[57:58] to get rid of that bad habit, you just
[57:59] need to learn a new habit. And the new
[58:01] habit is pause.
[58:03] So, the very moment you feel like saying
[58:04] um
[58:07] We're not lagging. We're just pausing.
[58:09] Right? You pause.
[58:11] And that's why as part of the vocal
[58:13] foundations, you have to learn to be
[58:15] comfortable with
[58:20] what we're doing right now, just
[58:21] pausing.
[58:22] And it's okay.
[58:24] So, I've got my three sheets of paper
[58:26] there. I've I've done the
[58:28] auditory assessment of the visual
[58:30] assessment. I've looked at the
[58:31] transcript and I've
[58:33] seen the words. And again, is it
[58:34] repetitions from there on after?
[58:37] To like The step before that. Okay.
[58:38] Because no normally what happens after
[58:40] you do that, and I know because my
[58:41] students have done it, and then what
[58:42] happens is overwhelm.
[58:44] Because they go
[58:46] Oh my goodness, there's like 26 things I
[58:49] have to improve.
[58:51] That's What Which one do I pick?
[58:54] And then they'll have to DM me on social
[58:55] media. Which one do I pick? And then
[58:56] analysis paralysis.
[58:58] And to me is
[58:59] it doesn't matter.
[59:01] Pick one.
[59:02] So, what you do is you create yourself a
[59:04] little 12-week plan. And you plan it one
[59:06] week at a time. So, first week, rate of
[59:07] speech. Great. So, you the whole week
[59:09] you you you you just look at rate of
[59:10] speech. Okay. Okay. At the end, what do
[59:12] you do at that week?
[59:13] Record and review again.
[59:16] Did it change? No. Guess what you're
[59:18] doing next week? Rate of speech.
[59:20] And it's that commitment. And I love
[59:22] this Japanese word called kaizen,
[59:24] relentless improvement. And you all do
[59:25] this here amazingly.
[59:27] That's what you've got to commit to. And
[59:29] you focus on rate of speech until you
[59:31] see change.
[59:32] And I used to do coaching. I don't do it
[59:33] anymore, cuz I've got two kids, and I,
[59:35] you know, they're the they're the most
[59:35] important people to me right now. But I
[59:37] used to coach CEOs.
[59:39] And they would see my plan to help them
[59:41] improve their communication skills, and
[59:42] they get pissed off.
[59:43] Cuz they go,
[59:46] "I I'm just doing rate of speech?" And
[59:48] I'm like, "Yeah."
[59:49] Because your default is so slow, you're
[59:51] putting everyone to sleep.
[59:53] And if you don't change it after week
[59:54] one or week two, I'm still going to get
[59:56] you to do the same thing.
[59:58] And just by increasing rate of speech
[60:00] alone, they became so much more dynamic.
[60:02] Took a month. We all know people that
[60:04] over talk. Mhm. And over explain. 100%.
[60:07] Like, how does one know if they're doing
[60:09] that, and how to change it? By being
[60:10] able to record yourself while you're in
[60:12] conversation with someone.
[60:14] And Zoom is amazing now.
[60:14] Okay. So, all of a sudden now, if you
[60:17] want awareness on that, record yourself.
[60:20] And and the beauty of recording yourself
[60:21] on something like Zoom, is all of a
[60:23] sudden now, you can
[60:25] you can watch yourself, and you see the
[60:27] other person, too. Do you recommend
[60:29] someone like me, if if we're trying to
[60:30] improve the communication skills of
[60:33] everybody in the company, Okay. to
[60:34] record our meetings, and to send it
[60:36] after? 100% review it.
[60:38] And and and you you may not get
[60:40] reactions when people say things,
[60:41] because most people, the only thing
[60:42] they'll give you feedback on
[60:44] with your community This is the only
[60:45] feedback anybody will ever give you on
[60:47] your communication.
[60:49] I felt like you talked a bit too fast.
[60:51] They'll never say anything else, because
[60:52] anything else is an attack on your
[60:53] personality. Right? So, people are very
[60:55] afraid to give you feedback, right?
[60:57] Especially you being the big boss, no
[60:58] one's going to give you feedback, right?
[61:00] So, all of a sudden now, or maybe they
[61:01] do.
[61:02] I feel like your team do.
[61:04] What I'm trying to get at is,
[61:06] all of a sudden now, when you watch
[61:07] yourself back on those videos,
[61:09] you now will see their facial reactions.
[61:11] People are very honest with their body
[61:12] language. You've had body language
[61:13] experts on here. People might be able to
[61:15] lie with what they say, but all of a
[61:16] sudden, they tell the truth with their
[61:17] body language. You will see people do
[61:19] the silent yawn.
[61:20] Right? You'll will people
[61:22] they they're do the silent yawn, right?
[61:23] They keep their mouth closed, but
[61:24] they're yawning. You will see these
[61:26] things if you start to reflect and
[61:27] review.
[61:29] And you go, "Ah, I shouldn't have said
[61:30] that."
[61:31] I took too long. I lost them. And you
[61:33] can see it. I do that with my classes.
[61:36] When I record When I used to do my
[61:38] keynotes, I had a whole career as a
[61:39] keynote speaker. So, when I did that, I
[61:41] used to duct tape two GoPros together,
[61:43] and I would duct tape the little red
[61:45] recording button, so the audience
[61:46] doesn't know like that I'm I'm recording
[61:47] myself, and I'm also recording the
[61:48] audience, only for my purpose, right?
[61:50] As I review my speeches. And I would
[61:53] watch back-to-back the audience faces
[61:55] and my keynote.
[61:57] And I could you you can see where you
[61:58] lose people, because at a conference
[62:00] their faces light up with their phone.
[62:02] You can literally see when you're losing
[62:04] them in the talk.
[62:06] And when you watch those back-to-back,
[62:07] it is so humbling.
[62:09] Because you go, "Wow.
[62:11] Did I go on for way I thought it was a
[62:13] fun tangent. It wasn't."
[62:16] And then I kept that tangent in for
[62:17] bloody 6 months, because I thought it
[62:19] added so much value. It did not add
[62:20] value.
[62:22] So, the only way to get that awareness
[62:23] is you have to find opportunities where
[62:25] you can record yourself.
[62:27] Do you mind if I pause this conversation
[62:28] for a moment? I want to talk about our
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[63:22] And when you went up on stage as a
[63:23] keynote speaker, was there anything that
[63:25] you did before you went on stage to make
[63:27] sure that you performed optimally? Cuz
[63:28] you were speaking what, 80 times a year
[63:30] or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah, got
[63:31] pretty full-on.
[63:32] Yes, have a way to calm your mind, calm
[63:35] your body, and get really focused.
[63:37] And the way I do it is the first thing I
[63:40] would do is
[63:42] Wim Hof.
[63:43] The guided bubble breathing.
[63:47] 30 times, and then hold your breath,
[63:50] and then a deep breath in, hold for 15,
[63:53] and then release. Three cycles of that,
[63:55] oh, Stephen, I'm my mind is relaxed, my
[63:58] body is relaxed. And then the next thing
[64:00] I do is I just do a little bit of brisk
[64:02] walking.
[64:03] Do maybe 10, 20 push-ups. Why? Because
[64:06] I'm getting rid of the adrenaline that's
[64:07] building up in my body. Because if you
[64:09] don't get rid of the adrenaline, you'll
[64:10] go on stage and you start pacing the
[64:11] stage.
[64:13] And I've seen speakers do this, where
[64:14] they pace. There's no reason for their
[64:15] movement, but they're moving because
[64:16] there's so much adrenaline in me.
[64:18] Right? Non-functional movement.
[64:21] Non-functional. So, get rid of the
[64:22] adrenaline.
[64:23] So, a little bit of brisk exercise gets
[64:25] rid of that adrenaline that you don't
[64:26] need. So, do those two things.
[64:29] And depending on how nervous I am, I
[64:30] might have to do a mindset shift.
[64:32] And the mindset shift is
[64:34] the only way you can become
[64:36] self-conscious
[64:37] and nervous is if you're thinking about
[64:39] yourself.
[64:40] So, if you're not thinking about
[64:41] yourself,
[64:43] and you have no cognitive capacity to
[64:44] think by yourself, then how can you be
[64:45] nervous? So, think of the audience.
[64:47] Right? Before coming to this, I felt a
[64:49] bit nervous. I thought, you know what?
[64:49] I'm just going to think about Stephen,
[64:50] and I'm going to think about his
[64:51] audience. How can I add the most value
[64:53] possible in this podcast as we talk? And
[64:56] the moment I thought about you and your
[64:57] audience, I I don't have any cognitive
[64:59] capacity left to think about me. Mhm.
[65:01] So, when you kind of think about this
[65:02] act of service, it it shifts where you
[65:04] are. You're not in your own body
[65:06] anymore. You're not self-conscious,
[65:07] you're audience-conscious. Helps. And is
[65:10] there anything you do with your mouth
[65:13] and your tongue? Cuz sometimes
[65:15] especially if I've woken up early in the
[65:16] morning and I'm like jumping on a Zoom
[65:17] call with some foreign time zone. Like
[65:19] it feels like my mouth isn't quite like
[65:22] there yet. And also it feels like my
[65:23] brain's not connected to my mouth. So
[65:25] first thing is lip trills. Have you ever
[65:27] done lip trills before?
[65:28] No. Okay, lip trills are this.
[65:31] Perfect. And a lot of people won't be
[65:32] able to do that. So all you do is get
[65:34] your two index fingers, push your cheeks
[65:35] together and you can go
[65:38] Do your favorite song. So you think of
[65:40] your favorite song and you you know
[65:44] Final Countdown, one of my favorites
[65:45] right now.
[65:46] Do that for an entire song. So do that
[65:48] for your favorite song. And once you've
[65:49] done that, if you do that for two to
[65:50] three minutes
[65:52] now all of a sudden your articulators
[65:53] have woken up. You've also woken up your
[65:54] vocal cords. And your lips now being the
[65:56] main articulators we use to shape the
[65:58] words that we say, it's awake.
[66:01] The siren technique is another way great
[66:02] way to wake up your voice.
[66:04] And you've done the the siren technique,
[66:06] which is a read low and then go high.
[66:07] Read low and then go high. The other
[66:09] thing that I learned from studying your
[66:10] work is this idea of the power sphere
[66:13] when you're on stage.
[66:14] Ah.
[66:15] This power sphere, I've got a picture
[66:16] here.
[66:16] You've got a picture there. I I learned
[66:17] this from Mark Bowden. Mark Bowden is an
[66:19] incredible body language expert and I
[66:21] was lucky to do some coaching with him
[66:22] when I lived in the US. And he taught me
[66:25] this concept of the area between your
[66:26] belly button and your eyes. Yeah. And
[66:28] that's the power sphere. So when you're
[66:30] gesturing to people, a lot of people who
[66:32] are shy, they gesture below the power
[66:34] sphere. Well, just like the hands to the
[66:35] side. So so again, they're doing all
[66:36] these different things but they're doing
[66:37] this like oh hey, great to see you. Oh,
[66:39] I'm so excited to be here. It's great,
[66:41] right?
[66:41] And why are they doing that? Because
[66:42] they're Because they're playing small.
[66:43] Okay. Scared to take up space. Right. So
[66:46] and again, I I get a lot of my female
[66:47] students ask me this question. They say
[66:48] oh Vin, I feel like I don't have enough
[66:50] presence and I get the feedback I don't
[66:52] get executive presence. What is this
[66:53] elusive thing called executive presence?
[66:56] It's simple, it's two things. It's vocal
[66:58] presence and physical presence. And how
[67:00] you use your hand gestures allows you to
[67:02] level up your physical presence.
[67:04] So if you've got better physical
[67:05] presence because you're using your hand
[67:06] gestures within the power sphere.
[67:08] All of a sudden, you've got that
[67:09] executive presence that they're talking
[67:11] about. So, you need to get your elbows
[67:13] off your sides.
[67:13] 100% yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Again, I think of
[67:15] myself as having this sphere around me,
[67:17] the way that I remember Mark sharing
[67:18] this with me, and not be afraid to go to
[67:20] the edges of the sphere. Don't be afraid
[67:22] to go to the edges of the sphere.
[67:23] Otherwise, we tend to A lot of people
[67:24] T-Rex it, right? They T-Rex it, right?
[67:26] Don't T-Rex it. Just have your arms nice
[67:28] out and big.
[67:29] Don't be afraid to take up the space.
[67:32] And then there are foundational gestures
[67:33] you should learn paired with this.
[67:35] The first one, which you're doing
[67:36] already, this is Virginia Satir came up
[67:38] with these, and she was a family
[67:40] therapist, and she came up with the
[67:41] foundation to hand gestures.
[67:43] This is placater. Try. So, you've got
[67:45] your hands for people that can't see,
[67:46] you've got your hands palm face up. Palm
[67:48] face up and out. Placater. Okay.
[67:50] Beautiful gesture to show that, "Hey,
[67:52] I've no weapons. I've nothing to attack
[67:53] you with, right?" So, this is placater.
[67:55] So, you're showing your your your palms.
[67:57] Wonderful way to greet people as they
[67:58] come in. HEY.
[68:00] NO, NO, IT'S LIKE THIS INSTEAD OF
[68:01] SURRENDERING. YOU'VE GOT your hands up
[68:02] like, "Hey, great to see you." Okay.
[68:04] Beautiful.
[68:05] Great. However, it's closely related to
[68:07] its cousin, I don't know. Right? I don't
[68:10] know is this. Okay.
[68:11] So, again, it does lack authority. So,
[68:13] if you want more authority, you use
[68:14] what's the second one called leveler.
[68:16] Leveler is hands facing down.
[68:18] So, hands palm face down. Yes.
[68:20] Right? Feels a bit weird doing it
[68:21] sitting down, but this is leveler,
[68:22] right?
[68:23] It's kind of there's a element of
[68:24] control.
[68:25] Yeah, well, the hands face down. Well,
[68:26] try this. Try this. Give this a go,
[68:27] right?
[68:29] I'm saying this a lot to my daughter at
[68:30] the moment. She's very 1-year-old, very
[68:33] sweet, very naughty. So, again, say
[68:35] Melody, don't do it. So, it's in
[68:36] placater, say Melody, stop doing that.
[68:38] So, just try it. So, we'll count you
[68:39] down in three,
[68:40] two.
[68:41] Melody, stop doing that. Perfect. Okay.
[68:43] You're going to do the same thing now in
[68:45] leveler. Okay, so in and give me more
[68:47] volume in three, two.
[68:49] Melody, stop doing that. I didn't tell
[68:50] you what to really even do.
[68:52] Did you notice how your voice changed?
[68:53] Yeah. What what changed?
[68:55] changed as well. And what happened What
[68:56] changed with your your body?
[68:58] Um I
[68:59] What had changed with your your vocal
[69:00] quality, sorry? It went The pitch went
[69:02] Okay, the pitch went down.
[69:04] Yes, correct.
[69:05] And I didn't tell you to do that.
[69:06] Yeah. Right. So, all of a sudden Cuz I
[69:08] was doing I was doing anger, but
[69:09] frustration.
[69:10] Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. And and no
[69:11] one told you to do that. That's a
[69:12] universal thing. What's fascinating
[69:14] about what just happened there is people
[69:15] are afraid of a monotone voice, and they
[69:17] don't realize that a monotone voice
[69:20] comes from a monotone body. So, you just
[69:22] moved your body from this to this, and
[69:23] you created a different sound. Yeah. Is
[69:25] the voice is connected to the body, the
[69:26] body's connected to the voice. And the
[69:28] biggest mistake you see here within this
[69:29] room here is
[69:31] You do a Imagine you did a great
[69:32] keynote, and at the end Imagine I did
[69:33] this. At the end of the keynote Imagine
[69:34] I did this. Right, are there any
[69:36] questions?
[69:38] Right. Versus Are there any questions? I
[69:40] was going to say with the level of one
[69:41] where you start pointing your hands
[69:42] down, I thought you wanted to get off
[69:43] stage.
[69:44] And I don't want any. You know, I don't
[69:45] don't I don't want any questions. Yeah.
[69:46] The next one is called blamer.
[69:50] Have a guess of what blamer is.
[69:52] Pointing? Yes, correct. This is blamer.
[69:54] A very strong gesture. And then a softer
[69:56] version of that is the full finger
[69:58] point. You point with all your fingers.
[69:59] Politicians do this. They do this. They
[70:00] do They soften it, soften it a bit, and
[70:01] then they they soften it with their full
[70:03] finger point. I notice this on the
[70:04] podcast sometimes. I notice that people
[70:06] accidentally do it when they say
[70:07] something. Yeah. Because they'll say
[70:09] They'll say something like um
[70:11] you know, entrepreneurs, they can be
[70:13] they can be quite sad because they they
[70:15] don't have work-life balance. And as
[70:17] they're saying it, they'll like
[70:18] accidentally POINT AT ME.
[70:20] THEY'RE POINTING AT ME.
[70:21] BUT IT IT DOES MAKE CONTEXTUAL SENSE.
[70:22] SO, they'll go, "Yeah, entrepreneurs,
[70:23] sometimes they don't have work-life
[70:24] balance." And they're like they don't
[70:26] know they're doing it, but they're like
[70:26] subtly gesturing in my direction.
[70:29] Um Yeah. Yeah. I know what you mean.
[70:32] It's like, yeah, you know, some people
[70:33] have you know, put on a bit of weight.
[70:35] OH, YOU'RE SAYING YOU'RE OH, WHAT? AM I
[70:37] I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. OH, MY WATCHES DO IT
[70:38] ALL THE TIME. YEAH.
[70:40] AGAIN, it it it's just different ways to
[70:42] vary the way you look visually.
[70:44] Um as That's blamer. You've got a softer
[70:46] version. And then you've also got this
[70:47] wonderful one they call the computer.
[70:49] And computer is a wonderful
[70:52] an extra thing you can do when you're on
[70:53] a podcast, and someone's you you you you
[70:56] experience or you hear heightened
[70:57] emotion, you can also you, you, you,
[70:59] you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you,
[70:59] you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you,
[71:00] you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you,
[71:00] you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you,
[71:00] you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you,
[71:01] you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you,
[71:01] you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you,
[71:01] you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you,
[71:02] you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you,
[71:02] you, you, you, you, you, computer.
[71:03] And computer is just one arm under the
[71:05] armpit and the other one at your chin.
[71:06] You go, "Huh."
[71:07] One arm across and one Yeah. across And
[71:08] then it's It was Some people call this
[71:11] the thinker pose, right? But you can go
[71:12] on this. You go, "Huh." Combine with a
[71:14] head tilt, soften it. Right? Straight up
[71:16] is a little bit straight. Soften it. You
[71:17] go, "Ah."
[71:18] Is that Is that what head tilt does? It
[71:19] softens
[71:20] softens it. It's like,
[71:22] Okay. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,
[71:23] I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,
[71:23] I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,
[71:24] And the reason they they call it
[71:25] computer is I'm processing what you're
[71:27] saying. I'm leaning in. I'm showing you
[71:28] that I'm processing. As opposed to
[71:30] sometimes we're unaware. We don't move
[71:31] our face and then we just sit there and
[71:32] they're talking and we're like this.
[71:33] Yeah. And they don't know if you're
[71:34] there. The sensitivity is
[71:36] when you sense heightened emotion. Mhm.
[71:39] So, if they start to get a bit
[71:40] frustrated, you go,
[71:42] You can show them with your body, too.
[71:44] Beautiful pose.
[71:45] Right? Then the the final one is
[71:47] distractor, which is a pattern break.
[71:50] It's an auditory and visual pattern
[71:51] break.
[71:52] For example, if you're on stage and
[71:53] you're talking and
[71:55] you've gone on a tangent. I've done
[71:56] this. Maybe you've done it. And you
[71:58] realize the audience, they're all on
[71:59] their phones.
[72:00] Instead of continuing, you can execute
[72:03] distractor and do distractor to get
[72:05] their attention back. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh.
[72:08] I, I've gone down that tangent. Let me
[72:10] bring you back. Let me use a different
[72:12] analogy.
[72:13] So, auditory in that there's a clap
[72:14] involved. Mhm. Visual in that I'm
[72:16] shooing bees. Imagine me shooing bees as
[72:18] I was doing that. So, clap and shooing
[72:19] bees. There's an auditory and visual
[72:21] pattern break that now allows me to get
[72:22] your attention back. Mhm. If you're
[72:24] doing this more than once in a
[72:25] presentation, you need to work on your
[72:26] rehearsal process. You need to work on
[72:28] you delivering the presentation in a way
[72:30] that's more coherent. I guess all of
[72:31] this stuff also applies to when you're
[72:33] making video clips for social media. So
[72:35] many of us are building personal brands
[72:37] and trying to make content, but we, we
[72:39] make boring, unengaging videos. Yes.
[72:42] Because you come to life.
[72:44] I'm coming to life visually. Yeah. What
[72:46] we're seeing here is I'm coming to life
[72:47] vocally and visually.
[72:49] Here's where people get stuck again.
[72:51] They go, "But that's not me." Yeah.
[72:54] Do Do you think right now I'm I'm
[72:56] watching Beast Games and I'm loving it.
[72:58] It's just I'm so addicted to it. Jimmy's
[73:00] doing great. And
[73:01] do you think Jimmy talks like that in
[73:02] his everyday life? Do you think he goes
[73:04] home and he says to his partner, "And
[73:05] next we're going to go to dinner. And
[73:07] for dinner you're going to have three
[73:09] choi- He doesn't talk like that. But he
[73:10] understands that in that context, for
[73:12] that medium, the message I'm trying to
[73:14] communicate, I have to play my
[73:15] instrument differently to achieve the
[73:17] outcome that I desire.
[73:19] And you're going to have to do the same
[73:20] thing in your life. Whereas people are
[73:21] addicted to this idea of there's only
[73:22] one me. Do you know what's interesting
[73:24] is I think there'll be a certain cohort
[73:25] of people listening that just go, "Oh
[73:27] god, this is so I know. I know. It's so
[73:30] much. It's so It sounds so exhausting,
[73:33] Vin, and I I just I just can't be I
[73:34] can't be bothered, Vin. I can't You must
[73:36] have heard this before. I've heard it
[73:38] before.
[73:39] And I share with them that
[73:41] the idea of influence, you've got to
[73:43] understand that takes work. It's like
[73:44] saying,
[73:45] "I want to become the best basketball in
[73:47] the world, but but ah it's too much
[73:48] work." So it's a deal. If you want this
[73:50] If you want this
[73:51] then this is how you This is how you get
[73:52] it.
[73:53] Yeah. The world has really changed,
[73:55] especially in the last couple of years
[73:56] post-pandemic, and much of our
[73:57] communication now takes place on video
[73:59] calls, Zoom, Google Hangouts, this kind
[74:02] of thing. Yeah. How do the rules that
[74:04] you've said and you've talked about
[74:05] today apply or not apply to a to when
[74:07] I'm doing my Zoom meetings?
[74:09] Yeah.
[74:10] It's even more important online.
[74:14] Because the moment you sit in front of a
[74:15] camera and you're not a creator,
[74:19] what happens? The moment it's unnatural,
[74:21] what happens to you? Because it's weird
[74:22] sitting in front of a webcam. What
[74:23] happens to you do you think? You lose
[74:25] yourself a little bit.
[74:26] Yes. Yeah. Everything drops.
[74:28] All of your vocal foundations disappear.
[74:30] So what do I need to be thinking about
[74:31] to be effective I want to be the most
[74:33] effective person on my Zoom calls, cuz I
[74:34] do what worry sometimes. I do worry cuz
[74:37] I have big investment meetings and stuff
[74:38] with startups or founders that I'm in
[74:40] the process of trying to do a deal with,
[74:41] and I think, "God, if we do this on
[74:43] Zoom, it might not be so good. I might
[74:45] come across worse. I feel like I'll come
[74:47] across better in person, so I often move
[74:50] the meeting to in person. And then
[74:52] sometimes it's not always convenient,
[74:53] right? It's never convenient cuz you got
[74:55] to drive somewhere and fly somewhere.
[74:57] So, I'd rather be effective on Zoom.
[74:58] Nothing will replace this. It's why I
[75:00] flew here from Australia. There's
[75:01] nothing will replace this. If we did
[75:03] this virtually, it's not the same. But
[75:04] when you have to do it virtually,
[75:07] you have to give more of yourself. If
[75:09] you want them to feel valued, you have
[75:11] to adopt a mindset of generosity.
[75:14] I'll explain.
[75:15] We often think of generosity as the
[75:17] first form of generosity, which is which
[75:18] is money, right? Easiest form of
[75:20] generosity to grasp. And then you think
[75:21] about it for a bit more. You go, "Oh,
[75:22] it's it's time."
[75:24] Okay, cool. And then then you think
[75:25] about it for more.
[75:27] Often people don't think about the third
[75:28] form of generosity, which is energy.
[75:31] That's what the third form is.
[75:33] Because right now with you,
[75:34] I'm being generous with my energy. I'm
[75:36] choosing to do this, Stephen. I'm not
[75:38] I'm not just I'm choosing to do it
[75:39] because I want to connect with you.
[75:41] Because I want to be able to to to to to
[75:43] share the knowledge, and I want to be
[75:45] able to do this.
[75:46] Whereas
[75:47] there's a part of again, there's a part
[75:48] of my brain that's like, "Oh, man,
[75:49] you're jet lagged. You're tired. Just
[75:51] Just back off a little, Vin. Who cares?
[75:52] All good."
[75:54] Whereas I'm now being generous with it.
[75:55] And online you have to be so conscious
[75:57] of that.
[75:58] You have to be so much more generous
[76:00] with your energy.
[76:01] Because naturally when you're sitting in
[76:02] front of a camera, you feel weird. And
[76:04] then all of a sudden it's like my wife.
[76:06] When she watches me run my classes, she
[76:08] goes, "I can't be in the same room
[76:10] because I feel like you're being too
[76:11] much."
[76:13] And I am.
[76:15] Because when I'm when I'm teaching my
[76:16] classes online, 400, 500 people,
[76:18] I bring a much bigger version of myself
[76:20] to that class.
[76:21] I'm bringing a much bigger version than
[76:22] this.
[76:24] And then my poor wife is sitting there.
[76:25] She goes, "Oh, he's he's overdoing it.
[76:27] He's overdoing it." But to every single
[76:29] student on that class with me virtually,
[76:30] "Oh, Vin, this is so engaging.
[76:33] It's so beautiful to see how much zest
[76:34] you have for what you do."
[76:36] And afterwards, I'm exhausted.
[76:39] But it's a choice I'm willing to make
[76:42] to be masterful with what I do in that
[76:43] moment. Now, make sure your camera
[76:45] placement is well placed. A lot of
[76:47] people when they appear on Zoom, all you
[76:49] see is their head.
[76:51] Now, that makes you less visually
[76:52] dynamic.
[76:53] Whereas this is why you need the
[76:54] external mic, push the laptop back,
[76:56] external camera, wider lens, let them
[76:58] see your whole torso.
[77:00] Yeah, I love this. This is so important
[77:03] and I learned this from Vanessa Van
[77:04] Edwards, where you you brought her on.
[77:06] Oh, yeah. Such a powerful such a
[77:08] powerful concept, where it's the idea of
[77:10] proxemics, where there's the study of
[77:12] distances. Most people when they appear
[77:14] on Zoom, they appear in the intimate
[77:16] space.
[77:17] And the intimate space is when your head
[77:18] is right next to your partner at night
[77:20] when you're doing pillow talk.
[77:21] And that's how you appear on Zoom. And
[77:23] when you appear that close, you feel
[77:25] self-conscious, everybody else goes,
[77:26] "Oh, that's a bit
[77:28] Mhm. So, if you all of a sudden now
[77:29] learn to appear in the personal and
[77:30] social space, which means they can see
[77:32] your full torso,
[77:34] that people feel more comfortable, but
[77:36] now you also have access to your hand
[77:37] gestures.
[77:38] Light yourself well.
[77:40] Okay.
[77:41] And something very similar. If you're
[77:42] doing Zoom meetings all the time and
[77:43] it's critical for you in your work, then
[77:45] learn three-point lighting.
[77:47] Right, three-point lighting. You've got
[77:48] that going on right here. Right? And if
[77:50] you don't know what it is, if you just
[77:52] searched it, you'd find it. Which is
[77:53] essentially three-point lighting.
[77:54] You've got a key light, you've got a
[77:55] fill light, and you've got a hair light
[77:56] behind you. Right? Okay, so there's a
[77:58] light behind you. Yes.
[77:59] There's one in the side here. Yes. And
[78:01] there's one in the front, is that what
[78:02] you mean? Yes.
[78:04] Three key lights, essentially.
[78:05] So, as again, they they they technically
[78:06] call My videographers teach me all of
[78:08] this, where they say, "Oh, you need a
[78:09] you need a key light, you got to have a
[78:10] fill light, and then you got to have a
[78:11] back light." At the moment I did that on
[78:13] my Zoom calls, I just looked different
[78:15] to every single other person who
[78:16] appeared on that Zoom call. Interesting.
[78:18] I'm just clearer, I'm crisper.
[78:20] Right? And this is again, if you want to
[78:21] take it to the next level. I want to
[78:23] take it to the next level.
[78:23] All right, then great. Then get a better
[78:24] quality camera, too. Don't rely on the
[78:26] laptop camera. Okay. Right? A lot of
[78:28] people do this who are creators.
[78:30] You just get a nicer webcam, minimum
[78:32] 1080p.
[78:34] So, you look sharper, you look clearer,
[78:36] and you're well
[78:37] Now you look better.
[78:39] Perfect. Get an external mic.
[78:42] Okay. Because if you spend all of your
[78:44] time working on all of these wonderful
[78:46] vocal foundations and then you've got a
[78:47] shitty microphone,
[78:49] and then you talk,
[78:50] uh you you've lost uh you're there
[78:52] again. And get [ __ ] good Wi-Fi while
[78:54] you're at Yes, please. Australia needs
[78:56] to listen to this as well. Yeah, fiber
[78:58] optic. Yeah, 100% and then all of a
[79:00] sudden now, so your visual looks good,
[79:02] auditory is looked after,
[79:04] and and don't be afraid to bring a
[79:06] bigger version of yourself.
[79:08] So much of this is about identity, isn't
[79:10] it?
[79:11] It is. We're we're like so many of us,
[79:12] including me, we're trapped in our
[79:14] identity, like who we think we are. Do
[79:15] you know what the one of the really
[79:16] remarkable things always reminds me how
[79:18] like BS our communication style and and
[79:21] our identity by way of this is is just
[79:23] different accents? Yes.
[79:25] The fact that someone can live in an
[79:26] area and they can be Scouse or they can,
[79:30] you know, live in another area and they
[79:31] sound completely different, like they're
[79:33] from New York or something. Mhm.
[79:35] It just goes to show that we're just
[79:37] like it's so contagious and easy to
[79:41] blend in Yes. with one's environment.
[79:44] I remember experiencing a negative
[79:45] experience with accent.
[79:47] When I started to improve my
[79:48] articulation,
[79:50] and I wanted to improve my
[79:51] pronunciation,
[79:53] everybody around me was saying, "You're
[79:55] trying to be British."
[79:56] Oh, really? You try so hard to be
[79:58] British. How I'm like, "No, no, I'm just
[79:59] I'm just trying to improve my
[80:00] articulation."
[80:02] Right?
[80:03] I used to slur my words all the time.
[80:06] Being an Aussie,
[80:07] we use so much slang.
[80:09] Yeah, I was going to, but I didn't want
[80:10] to.
[80:12] Right? And I could I could get that to a
[80:13] point where you won't even understand
[80:14] what I'm saying. Yeah, I was going to,
[80:15] but I didn't want to. Yeah, no.
[80:17] You don't want to do it.
[80:19] Right? Whereas I I didn't pronounce my
[80:20] Ts.
[80:21] And then when I did pronounce my Ts,
[80:23] instead of saying three, I would say
[80:25] free. Can I have three of those?
[80:28] And that's how I used to talk. And I
[80:29] didn't realize by talking like that
[80:30] people were making judgments about my
[80:31] intelligence.
[80:33] Mhm.
[80:33] And and I was like, "What? I didn't even
[80:36] know this. I didn't even know that this
[80:37] was happening." And all I was doing and
[80:39] and again, people tried to keep me the
[80:41] same because of identity. That's not how
[80:43] you should sound, Vin. That the mold you
[80:45] are is you're a fob, mate. What are you
[80:47] doing? Why are you trying to be this
[80:48] British Australian I'm And I just said
[80:51] to them, "Because when I speak like
[80:52] that,
[80:54] it creates the wrong perception in
[80:56] people's minds and then they now look
[80:57] down on me as a result of that."
[81:00] There are some accents that
[81:02] experience more discrimination than
[81:04] other other accents. They did a study in
[81:07] 2006. It was a survey of the Chartered
[81:09] Institute of Personnel and Development
[81:12] found that 76%
[81:14] of employers admitted to discriminating
[81:16] against candidates based solely on their
[81:19] accent.
[81:20] Well, we judge a book by its cover,
[81:21] don't we? We have
[81:23] we have that
[81:24] I I have a thought, though.
[81:26] My thought is and this is what I believe
[81:28] is that
[81:30] I don't believe accents are a problem.
[81:32] I believe articulation and pronunciation
[81:35] are.
[81:36] Why do you think people think people
[81:37] from the UK are smart? There's this
[81:40] perception of it. Don't don't you get
[81:41] that where you're sophisticated? James
[81:43] Bond.
[81:45] It's because you articulate extremely
[81:46] well.
[81:49] Especially the ones that make it to the
[81:50] movies.
[81:51] Right? The ones we see. It's because of
[81:52] that and and you can have that level of
[81:54] sophistication and intelligence and you
[81:55] can radiate that intelligence with any
[81:57] accent.
[81:58] I have I have students from India who
[82:00] the moment they improve their
[82:02] articulation, it's beautiful. There's
[82:04] nothing wrong with your accent. For the
[82:05] longest time, they said my accent is a
[82:06] problem. I said, "No, no, no, no. It's
[82:08] not a problem. The problem is
[82:10] and here here's where we go deep.
[82:13] Your whole life, you've learned the
[82:14] mouth movements to speak the Indian
[82:16] language. Then when you go speak the
[82:18] English language, you're now using
[82:19] Indian mouth movements to speak the
[82:21] English language,
[82:23] which are the wrong set of mouth
[82:24] movements to speak this particular
[82:25] language, but no one teaches us this.
[82:27] And I used the Vietnamese mouth
[82:29] movements to speak the English language,
[82:30] therefore accent and lack of clarity.
[82:33] So, what did I have to do? Learn the set
[82:35] of English mouth movements.
[82:37] Completely changed me.
[82:40] And how how did you do that? Speech
[82:42] pathologist.
[82:43] Oh, really? Yeah. I had to go see a
[82:45] speech pathologist, yeah.
[82:46] I struggled with this, Stephen, my whole
[82:48] life. That's why when people look at me
[82:49] now, very easy to assume, "Oh, he's born
[82:51] with the gift of the gab." And the
[82:52] reality I was born quite gabless.
[82:55] Yeah.
[82:56] And I I I share that because it is a
[82:59] skill that anybody can learn. When when
[83:02] you say to me, "You can't do this, you
[83:03] can't do that." To me, I hear, "Oh, then
[83:05] I speak with my hands in my pockets and
[83:06] I'm stuck that way for the rest of my
[83:07] life." Take them out. Take it out. It's
[83:10] just a behavior.
[83:13] Yeah, I I mean, when you told me that
[83:15] your English was your third language, I
[83:17] couldn't believe that. Yeah. Because
[83:20] there's no remnants. There's usually a
[83:22] remnants of the language you spoke
[83:23] before. There's like no evidence of it.
[83:26] Because this has become the primary
[83:28] language that I speak the majority of
[83:29] the time now. But even so, my mother she
[83:33] spoke in Ni- I guess she was she's
[83:34] Nigerian, so she spoke Nigerian. Mhm.
[83:38] For her childhood, moved to the UK when
[83:41] she was I think late teen years.
[83:43] So, tw- maybe early 20s.
[83:46] But there's always been the remnants of
[83:48] Nigerian and she's what almost 60 now.
[83:50] So, that's 40 years. Is that just
[83:52] because she hasn't tried to? Well, I
[83:53] think it's linked to identity. Right.
[83:55] That's I don't want to lose that.
[83:56] Okay. I don't want to lose that
[83:57] connection. I want to lose that sound.
[83:59] It's why again most people don't change
[84:00] the way they sound throughout the entire
[84:01] course of their life. Mhm. I'm not
[84:03] saying she should because there is
[84:05] something about your origin that gives
[84:07] you a little bit more That's what inter-
[84:09] something a little bit more interesting.
[84:10] But when I look at some of the research,
[84:11] it shows that in terms of employment
[84:13] opportunities
[84:14] I I I would love that study to be done
[84:17] in a way where the people who are
[84:19] speaking with accents have incredible
[84:21] articulation and pronunciation.
[84:23] As opposed to them speaking with poor
[84:25] articulation and pronunciation.
[84:27] There's a big difference. Research
[84:29] indicates that individuals who use
[84:30] non-standard speech patterns such as
[84:32] African-American Vernacular English
[84:35] often face negative perceptions
[84:36] regarding their intelligence,
[84:37] competence, they have worse housing
[84:39] opportunities, and they have worse legal
[84:40] outcomes.
[84:42] Right. It's a profound It is. adverse
[84:44] reaction just from how you speak. It's a
[84:47] real It's a real
[84:48] unfairness, like an injustice, isn't it?
[84:51] It is. It is. It's It's like when I was
[84:55] And then it's one of those things where
[84:56] this is
[84:57] It's super weird. I remember when I was
[84:59] becoming a professional speaker, some of
[85:00] my peers
[85:02] who who were also Asian
[85:04] I remember them saying to me, they said,
[85:05] "Hey,
[85:07] it's going to be really hard, man.
[85:08] Right? Because that's for the Caucasian
[85:10] man with white hair, the game you're
[85:12] about to play."
[85:14] And at the time I had blonde hair,
[85:15] right? As an Asian guy.
[85:17] And they're like,
[85:20] "There's this thing called a bamboo
[85:21] ceiling, Vin." And I was like, "What the
[85:23] hell is a bamboo ceiling? I've never
[85:24] heard of this before." And he goes, "Oh,
[85:25] it's a ceiling specifically for Asians
[85:27] cuz it's a bamboo ceiling. It's a
[85:28] ceiling we can't get past, so we call it
[85:29] a bamboo ceiling, right?" And And And
[85:30] again, it's it's real, right? For many.
[85:32] And I believed it to be real.
[85:34] And for as long as I believed it to be
[85:35] real,
[85:36] I didn't try.
[85:38] I didn't try to go for those gigs with
[85:40] these big Fortune 500 companies. I
[85:41] didn't cuz I was like, "Ah, there's a
[85:42] bamboo ceiling. I can't
[85:44] And I remember this quote from Steve
[85:45] Martin that truly inspired me where it's
[85:48] be so good they can't ignore you.
[85:51] And then there was a chapter while I was
[85:52] here. I said, "You know what? [ __ ] it.
[85:54] There is no bamboo ceiling for me.
[85:56] All right? I I I refuse to acknowledge
[85:58] that there is this damn thing. I'm just
[86:00] going to get so good at my damn craft.
[86:02] I'm going to get so good at being on
[86:03] stage. I'm going to duct tape bloody
[86:04] GoPros together and learn this game
[86:06] minute by minute.
[86:07] And I was able to soar in my career to a
[86:10] place where I never could go.
[86:12] And
[86:14] I had those limitations placed on me all
[86:16] my life.
[86:18] All these different labels placed on me
[86:19] all my life, Steven.
[86:21] And when I choose to believe in them,
[86:23] they had so much power over me.
[86:25] And when I
[86:26] chose not to at times,
[86:29] some of them weren't even real.
[86:31] And I was creating myself by speaking
[86:32] about them all the time.
[86:35] And I couldn't believe where I was able
[86:36] to go with my speaking career.
[86:38] The stages I was able to get on, these
[86:40] companies I was able to work I said I
[86:41] said this is this even real?
[86:43] Do they know I'm from the northern
[86:44] suburbs of South Australia, Adelaide?
[86:47] It's wild that you went from not
[86:48] speaking the language to being paid
[86:51] millions
[86:52] to speak the language and to teach the
[86:54] craft. and to teach other people how to
[86:56] speak it. Yeah, that's My best friend
[86:58] says that all the time. He goes it's the
[86:59] most hilarious thing in the world.
[87:01] And I hope that
[87:03] becomes a point of inspiration.
[87:05] That it doesn't matter if English is
[87:07] your only language, second, third,
[87:08] fourth, or fifth. These are just a
[87:10] series of behaviors that anybody can
[87:12] learn. And if this is what you want.
[87:13] Actually, it's even more extreme cuz you
[87:15] were bullied for not being able to speak
[87:17] the language. So much so that you had to
[87:19] move to five different schools. And now
[87:23] you earn millions from speaking the
[87:24] language
[87:26] and teaching others how to speak it.
[87:28] Probably some of the same people that
[87:29] would have bullied you.
[87:31] Yeah, I actually had some of them reach
[87:33] out which was crazy. It was crazy.
[87:36] What was the redemption arc? Yeah, well
[87:37] there was a there was a bully that stole
[87:39] a bike from me
[87:40] and broke my heart. My mom and dad
[87:42] worked for months to buy me that bike.
[87:44] It was 280 Australian dollars which was
[87:46] huge during the 90s. It was an
[87:47] incredible BMX bike with stunt pegs and
[87:49] everything.
[87:50] And a bully found out where I lived and
[87:51] stole it and reached out 25 years later
[87:53] to apologize.
[87:55] Did you ask him for a [ __ ] I thought
[87:56] he was going to give me that [ __ ]
[87:58] bike back, but he didn't. And what was
[87:59] crazy was it was so beautiful because
[88:03] because of
[88:04] the good vibes I've been able to put
[88:06] out. Mhm. He saw who I had become. And I
[88:08] thought it was so man of him. I
[88:10] respected him so much for that. And I
[88:12] think a part of me needed it, too. Where
[88:14] he reached out and said, "Hey, man." He
[88:16] said, "I'm I'm so sorry." And I said,
[88:17] "Hey, I'm I I can't thank you enough for
[88:19] this."
[88:20] Because there's been pain in my heart
[88:22] that I haven't been able to resolve.
[88:24] And and you've just resolved you've just
[88:25] resolved some of that for me when you
[88:27] apologized and said sorry.
[88:29] Because my mom like again, it was just
[88:30] so meaningful to me that bike.
[88:32] You know, and it was And again, I just I
[88:33] was so happy. I was so blown away that
[88:35] he apologized.
[88:38] You know, it was it was really
[88:38] beautiful. When dealing with people like
[88:41] bullies, workplace bullies, people that
[88:43] are insulting you or are patronizing
[88:46] you,
[88:47] what is the best technique
[88:48] conversationally to disarm them or to
[88:52] you know, to stop to stop them from
[88:53] doing it or to come out on top per se,
[88:55] whatever that might mean?
[88:57] The simplest version of that for me is
[88:59] to use
[89:01] improvisation. Yes, and.
[89:03] And instead of disagreeing with you,
[89:05] I will humorously agree with you. And
[89:07] again, I'm not sure if this is the best
[89:09] thing in the world people should do, but
[89:10] I I diffuse this very simply because
[89:12] I've had it happen to me all my life.
[89:14] Where they they say to me and then it
[89:15] just it doesn't give them a leg to stand
[89:16] on. They go, "Oh, you're an idiot." I'm
[89:17] like,
[89:18] "Yeah, I'm I'm I'm a bit clumsy at
[89:20] times. I know that."
[89:22] And they don't know where to go with
[89:23] that after that.
[89:24] Or they go, "Oh, yeah, and and and
[89:25] you're stupid." You get You know what? I
[89:26] I I've done so many stupid things in my
[89:28] time as an entrepreneur. I I If you've
[89:30] seen some of it Oh, I hope you haven't
[89:32] seen all of it.
[89:33] What's the yes, and technique? The yes,
[89:35] and is just when you acknowledge what
[89:37] they're saying and you're just building
[89:38] on top of it, right? It's like, "Yes,
[89:40] and you're right. Sometimes I can be a
[89:42] bit bit of an idiot." It It requires you
[89:44] to remove your ego, though.
[89:45] Because
[89:46] again, and you have to be okay with that
[89:48] because we're all flawed human beings.
[89:50] Aren't you letting them win, though, in
[89:52] that situation? It depends on how you
[89:55] define win. To me, I'm just not going to
[89:57] be hooked into this. Whereas before, I
[89:58] would defend myself.
[90:00] I'm like, "Oh,
[90:01] what have I done that made you think
[90:02] that?" But I'm not interested.
[90:04] If you're not in the I love this quote
[90:06] from Brené Brown where she says, if you
[90:08] it's I think from Theodore Roosevelt, if
[90:09] you're not in the arena with me,
[90:11] I'm not really that interested in your
[90:13] feedback.
[90:14] What if you I'm in Dragon's Den.
[90:16] Okay. I'm in Dragon's Den,
[90:18] there's 100 pitches a year. They come
[90:20] into the Den, five of us dragons here.
[90:23] We're interrogating them. We're asking
[90:25] them difficult questions.
[90:27] Based on what you know about
[90:28] communication, how should they handle
[90:31] our
[90:32] critiques and our challenges? Is it that
[90:35] yes and thing? Because what's the
[90:37] opposite of yes and? The opposite of yes
[90:38] and is yes but.
[90:40] Right? And and the classic scenario is
[90:43] if you said something to them simple as
[90:45] and I remember sharing this with one of
[90:46] my clients where I saw in their calls
[90:48] when people were
[90:50] arguing with them about their prices,
[90:52] they would say, yes but the reason we're
[90:53] more expensive is because we spend a lot
[90:55] more in R&D and we update our software
[90:57] all the time. So all of a sudden when
[90:59] you say yes but, you're taking your
[91:00] conversation to a negative direction.
[91:03] But means whatever you say, I'm going to
[91:05] negate that and I'm going to give you my
[91:06] version of reality. Whereas when you say
[91:08] yes and, the same thing can you could
[91:10] you could critique them and say, oh I
[91:11] think your services are too expensive.
[91:13] Yes and Steven, the reason for that is
[91:14] because we invest heavily
[91:16] in research and development. So all of a
[91:18] sudden when you say yes and, you're
[91:19] taking it in a positive direction. You
[91:20] say yes but, you're taking it in a
[91:22] negative direction.
[91:24] One, we're going to build upon this and
[91:25] we'll work through this.
[91:26] One, I'm negating what you're saying.
[91:28] And I'm just going to share and force my
[91:30] version of my reality.
[91:32] So it's a simple technique in the world
[91:34] of It's effective though. I see it in
[91:36] the Den all the time. I see when my
[91:38] fellow dragons will be like
[91:39] interrogating someone and I'm watching
[91:41] and I watch some of them. They go, yeah
[91:42] but but but and they just get the
[91:44] person's back up. Like they just it's
[91:46] like it becomes this real antagonistic
[91:48] exchange and it reminds me of Tali
[91:49] Sharot who's a neuroscientist that was
[91:51] on my podcast who told me they did
[91:53] studies where they put two people in
[91:54] these like brain scanners and they got
[91:56] them to agree and agree and agree and
[91:57] scan their brains. And when they agreed,
[91:59] their brains were illuminated. Then in
[92:00] the next round, they got them to
[92:01] disagree at a certain moment. And when
[92:03] they disagreed with each other in these
[92:05] brain scanners, their brains basically
[92:06] shut down because they'd gone into They
[92:09] It's almost like you could When I say
[92:11] shut down, it's like the lights went
[92:12] out.
[92:14] Um and so she taught me this law that I
[92:16] wrote about, which is called never
[92:18] disagree. When you say that, people go,
[92:20] "Never disagree?"
[92:21] make sense.
[92:21] It doesn't make sense.
[92:23] That's what yes and is so good for.
[92:24] Is even if you say something negative,
[92:26] it's all right. Even if you say that
[92:28] your content sucks.
[92:29] Yes, and I know sometimes we put out
[92:31] content that just misses the mark. I'm
[92:33] human.
[92:34] And then there's no fire now because
[92:36] we're not creating the friction to
[92:37] create a fire.
[92:38] And I I I I again
[92:40] take that path because
[92:44] I'm just not interested in
[92:46] just arguing for blatant argue. I'm just
[92:48] not interested in that.
[92:50] The other thing that people struggle
[92:51] with a lot, and we talked about it a
[92:52] tiny little bit earlier on, is starting
[92:55] conversations and small talk.
[92:58] It's difficult. I think it's becoming
[92:59] increasingly more difficult as we become
[93:01] more sort of digitalized in our lives.
[93:03] It requires so much courage.
[93:05] I feel that starting a meaningful
[93:07] conversation requires a lot of courage.
[93:09] How do This sounds like a crazy [ __ ]
[93:11] thing to say on a podcast in 2025. How
[93:13] do we start a conversation with another
[93:14] human being? Is there like a I've got a
[93:16] favorite I've got a favorite technique
[93:18] that I use.
[93:18] Okay.
[93:19] And it requires courage. So you have
[93:20] been warned. It requires courage.
[93:22] And it's a game simple game called high
[93:24] low buffalo.
[93:26] High low buffalo. I love this game. Oh,
[93:27] you're not aware of this. Again, because
[93:29] you haven't played in the world of
[93:30] improv.
[93:31] High low buffalo. High is something
[93:32] that's going great for you. Low,
[93:34] something that's not so great for you.
[93:35] Buffalo, something interesting about
[93:36] you.
[93:37] Now, there's a reason why this game is
[93:39] so great.
[93:40] It's great because if I play high low
[93:42] buffalo and you play high low buffalo,
[93:43] and we'll play it in a second. Are you
[93:44] game to play? Yeah. Okay. Then what
[93:46] we're doing is we're creating something
[93:48] called conversational threads.
[93:50] Let's play first. So do you want to go
[93:51] first or do you want me to go first? You
[93:53] go first. Okay, sure. High.
[93:55] I'm doing the Diary of a CEO podcast.
[93:57] This is pretty awesome. So, I love that
[93:59] about this is like this is amazing for
[94:01] me. This is a big high for me. Low?
[94:04] I'm really struggling with what is
[94:06] enough in this chapter of my life and
[94:08] how much I should pursue building my
[94:10] business, how much I should grow it. I'm
[94:12] really struggling with that enough
[94:13] component. And something interesting
[94:15] about me
[94:16] is I have three alpacas.
[94:19] And I live on an acreage.
[94:21] Gosh, that's crazy.
[94:23] I've got to be alpacas.
[94:26] So, that's got to be alpacas.
[94:28] Whatever you like. I've got a dog called
[94:29] Pablo. Yeah, there you go.
[94:31] You're overthinking it. Don't overthink
[94:33] it. Give it a go.
[94:34] Hi, I'm really enjoying this
[94:35] conversation and I'm learning a lot,
[94:37] which is amazing. Low, I haven't been
[94:41] working out in the gym
[94:42] as much as I want and I'm concerned that
[94:44] my like balance is off because I'm
[94:46] recording a lot and things are out of
[94:47] whack and I'm trying to work in the
[94:49] evenings and that's a struggle trying to
[94:51] squeeze my relationships in there as
[94:52] well.
[94:53] Um random interesting thing, uh
[94:56] I'm training for a marathon that I
[94:59] haven't signed up to yet. That's
[95:00] incredible. I didn't know you were going
[95:01] to do that. That's incredible. That's
[95:03] not as good as alpacas.
[95:04] And and definitely wasn't as good as
[95:05] alpacas.
[95:07] However, that's great. Okay. When you
[95:09] have the courage to do this do this with
[95:10] someone now, I've given you three
[95:12] conversational threads that you can pull
[95:13] on. Do you say it to them that we're
[95:15] going to do high low buffalo?
[95:16] I play this game with people I meet that
[95:18] I want to connect with.
[95:19] Okay. This is not if I'm on the bus and
[95:20] I'm talking to someone. No, because
[95:22] that's generally small talk and if you
[95:23] don't want to connect with the person,
[95:25] doesn't make sense.
[95:25] But what if I'm in an elevator? I'm in a
[95:27] social setting. I'm at a networking
[95:29] event. Well, the game I just gave you is
[95:30] different. The game I gave you is a game
[95:32] that you play with a colleague you've
[95:33] been working with for the last 4 years,
[95:35] but you barely go beyond high. Okay.
[95:37] Right? Because and we'll stick to that
[95:39] and then I can share with you the other
[95:40] one. But to me, what's powerful about
[95:41] that game we just played is we all have
[95:42] people The reason people hate their work
[95:44] so much is because they don't feel
[95:45] connected.
[95:46] And it's because they're not having
[95:47] conversations at work. It's because they
[95:49] don't feel a sense of connection with
[95:50] their team members. So, to me, when you
[95:52] are courageous enough to play this game,
[95:54] say you've been with working with Susan
[95:55] for 12 months,
[95:57] and you you always see each other in the
[95:58] lunch room, but you never you just just
[96:00] sit down with Susan and go, "Susan, I
[96:01] know this is a bit crazy. Listen to a
[96:04] guy named
[96:05] Vin on Diary of a CEO. He said, "If you
[96:07] want to connect with someone and you
[96:08] care about the connection, play a game
[96:09] called High Low Buffalo. Are you game?"
[96:11] Play. And just do what we just did.
[96:12] Because all of a sudden now, I've given
[96:14] you three threads,
[96:15] right? Excited to be here. Also,
[96:18] struggling with enough. And then also
[96:20] share with you I've got three alpaca as
[96:20] I live on an acreage. There are three
[96:22] things that you could choose from what
[96:23] you're interested in asking me about.
[96:25] You just gave me three things. I'm also
[96:27] very conscious about health and I
[96:28] haven't been that great with it, too.
[96:29] So, all of a sudden we can I've got
[96:31] three threads to choose from. What's the
[96:32] opposite of that? Did you watch the Mr.
[96:35] Beast? Oh, I I haven't. Who's Mr. Beast?
[96:37] Oh, that that's cool.
[96:39] All right. I'll see I'll see you in the
[96:40] meeting at 2:00. I'll catch you then. No
[96:41] worries. Because you've taken your shot
[96:43] in the dark and you've given one thread
[96:46] and it just didn't hit. Whereas I'm I'm
[96:48] giving myself three chances here.
[96:50] I'm giving three opportunities for a
[96:51] conversation to spark, but in actuality,
[96:53] there are six threads here.
[96:55] Because there's three from me, there's
[96:56] three from you.
[96:57] I'm going to roll around the office when
[96:58] I get back to London and I'm going to
[96:59] ask people for some High Low Buffalo.
[97:00] And just and because all of a sudden,
[97:02] that requires vulnerability. Yeah. That
[97:04] requires something you're excited about.
[97:05] And it's also something interesting. You
[97:06] didn't even know I didn't know you were
[97:07] going for a marathon, man. That's
[97:08] awesome.
[97:09] Right? You should sign up for it.
[97:11] Yeah. Yeah. You should sign up. What's
[97:12] stopping you?
[97:14] No matter where I am in the world, it
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[99:21] Small talk is so critical. I was reading
[99:23] a study that said 55% of relationships,
[99:25] both professional and personal, are
[99:27] formed through small talk and casual
[99:29] interactions. A study done by the
[99:31] University of Oxford.
[99:33] And it says that 80% of conversations in
[99:35] the workplace involve some form of small
[99:37] talk. That's Harvard Business Review. If
[99:39] I want to be a master at small talk, is
[99:40] there anything else that I need to know?
[99:43] I really struggle with small talk.
[99:45] 3 2 1, I tell my students, 3 2 1, which
[99:48] is three steps,
[99:50] two types, or the one thing.
[99:52] So, just have that in the back of your
[99:53] head. There are three steps to
[99:54] something, there are two types of
[99:56] something, or the one thing is. So, when
[99:58] someone's talking to you, you want to
[99:59] keep it fairly brief, and you want to
[100:00] kind of minimize that small talk, and
[100:02] you know, you don't want to turn it into
[100:03] big talk. They'll talk to you about
[100:04] something, and you go, "The one thing
[100:06] about building a personal brand is X Y
[100:08] Z." Or just X. Right? So, you go, "The
[100:10] one thing about personal branding, if I
[100:12] could share with you now, is the
[100:13] importance of being consistent."
[100:15] Hey, so good to meet you. Let's take a
[100:17] quick selfie. And then you go,
[100:19] So, again, you have that framework in
[100:20] your head. Whereas before, when people
[100:22] ask me, "Evan, what's What should I do
[100:23] with my communication skills?" I got
[100:24] stuck in the trap of, "Oh, man,
[100:27] I've just heard you talk. There are so
[100:29] many things that I can tell you. I can
[100:30] tell you immediately now, there are
[100:31] eight things you probably should start
[100:32] focus on in this sequence."
[100:34] But then now it turns into something I
[100:35] don't want it to be.
[100:36] So, now I have that framework, I just
[100:38] think, "All right, so, in response to
[100:40] this, can I go down the three steps to
[100:42] what they're saying? The two types of
[100:44] what they're saying, or the one thing
[100:45] about what they're saying is this." And
[100:47] do you think I should have some
[100:49] nuggets? Nuggets. Some questions in my
[100:51] back pocket that I roll out frequently.
[100:53] Some pre-prepared small talk things that
[100:55] aren't Have you seen the weather? Yeah,
[100:57] yeah, yeah, yeah. You should.
[101:00] And and these are important, and and you
[101:01] can create your own. I mean, I love the
[101:03] what do you do in your free time. I
[101:04] really enjoy that question, cuz it opens
[101:06] up so many doors to so many interesting
[101:08] things that people do.
[101:09] As opposed to them telling me what they
[101:10] do for a job. Because we've heard this
[101:12] many times before. When someone asks you
[101:13] what they do for a living, I'm trying to
[101:15] understand where you are in the status
[101:17] hierarchy.
[101:18] Right? So, I love what do you do in your
[101:19] free time. I I I genuinely love that
[101:21] question. And have a list of three or
[101:23] four questions.
[101:25] Mhm. Just have them in your back pocket.
[101:27] That framework of 3 2 1 though, that
[101:28] allows you to get out of that small talk
[101:30] in a brief manner.
[101:31] They'll ask you a question about
[101:32] personal branding. Oh, there's there's
[101:33] two types of personal branding. Oh, hey,
[101:35] the three steps to personal branding are
[101:36] Oh, hey, the one thing about personal
[101:37] branding is
[101:38] Hey, good luck. So good to see you.
[101:40] Let's take a quick selfie.
[101:42] Is there an art to having a difficult
[101:44] conversation? So, say someone has been
[101:48] always interrupts me at work.
[101:52] And I and I I need to
[101:53] why it happens though? Why?
[101:55] Because of low levels of physical and
[101:57] low levels of vocal presence.
[102:00] If
[102:02] you know, if I talked to you like this
[102:03] and I've got to show really good try to
[102:05] deal with you and um
[102:06] it's so easy to
[102:08] interrupt this person. So, you have to
[102:10] you have to fix that at a foundational
[102:12] level. You have to increase your vocal
[102:14] presence. You have to increase your
[102:16] physical presence because it's
[102:17] infinitely harder to interrupt this
[102:19] version of Vin as opposed to the version
[102:21] of Vin you just experienced before.
[102:23] That's the first thing I would say. At a
[102:24] foundational level, that's what you want
[102:26] to fix.
[102:27] And again, that's to do with volume,
[102:28] that's to do with hand gestures, power
[102:30] sphere, all the things we've spoken
[102:31] about. And by leveling that up it's much
[102:34] harder to interrupt this person.
[102:36] interrupt this guy. It's harder.
[102:38] Yeah. Yeah.
[102:39] Whereas all of a sudden people aren't
[102:41] aware of that and they think, oh, people
[102:42] interrupt me just because people are
[102:43] rude. No, no, it's because you haven't
[102:45] indicated that you are you're taking the
[102:48] floor right now. This is why I say to
[102:49] people who get interrupted all the time.
[102:51] All right, here's a simple another
[102:52] simple strategy. If everyone's sitting
[102:54] around a team meeting stand when you're
[102:56] about to deliver your point.
[102:58] Because when you stand, you now have
[102:59] more physical presence.
[103:01] So, all of a sudden people won't
[103:02] interrupt you as long as you're standing
[103:03] because I'm still talking.
[103:06] The biggest objection people have to the
[103:07] pause is they say, oh, but if I pause,
[103:09] people interrupt me. Not if you're
[103:10] standing.
[103:12] If you're standing and you pause, it's
[103:13] clearly a pause for effect. I'm still
[103:15] taking the floor.
[103:17] Right? So, so there are so many other
[103:18] things you could do to prevent it from
[103:20] happening. You can even prime the
[103:21] conversation. If you know there's a
[103:23] serial interrupter
[103:25] Sorry. I do this sometimes.
[103:27] If there's a serial interrupter in your
[103:29] environment and I was I'm at myself
[103:30] there
[103:32] I don't interrupt because I want to be a
[103:34] a jerk. Sometimes I feel like, "Oh, I
[103:36] want to add value." And and that's I I
[103:37] want to give them the benefit of the
[103:38] doubt. That's what most of them want to
[103:39] do. But then there's the 1% that are
[103:41] just serial interrupters. I just always
[103:43] I always I want to take the floor. They
[103:44] don't respect you. They don't respect
[103:46] you. Yeah, I want that floor.
[103:49] That
[103:50] very difficult. You have to have a
[103:52] private conversation with them outside.
[103:53] But to the 99% of people who are
[103:55] interrupting because they want to add
[103:56] value, you just need to prime the
[103:57] conversation. You just need to say,
[103:59] "Hey, look, to to everyone in the team,
[104:01] I want to share my idea. If you give me
[104:03] 5 minutes, at the end of it, I would
[104:04] love to ask for your input. But I'd love
[104:06] to share my idea completely and wholly.
[104:08] Is that okay?"
[104:09] And I just get them all to agree.
[104:11] And if they do
[104:12] butt in after I've said that, I can let
[104:14] them say the thing and I'll go, "Thanks,
[104:15] Stephen. I'm still sharing the idea.
[104:17] I'll come back to your question in a
[104:18] moment." And then you have to reclaim
[104:20] your land. Do you think you have to
[104:22] mirror someone's You know, you talked
[104:23] about these five foundations. Am I meant
[104:25] to mirror yours to relate and resonate
[104:27] with you?
[104:28] It's one of the fastest ways to build
[104:29] rapport with someone.
[104:31] We We learn about it through body
[104:32] language. I think a lot of people
[104:34] understand the concept of matching and
[104:35] mirroring when it comes to body
[104:36] language, right? If you come to someone
[104:37] and you want to build rapport quickly
[104:39] and they've got big body language, if
[104:40] you do the same, then it will help them
[104:41] feel more connected to you, right?
[104:43] People rarely think about it with their
[104:44] voice.
[104:46] And that's the same thing. The years of
[104:47] going on stage and speaking, I've had so
[104:49] many people come up to me where if
[104:50] Imagine someone comes up to me, they're
[104:51] like, "Oh, hey, Vin. That was an amazing
[104:53] keynote." And I took that same energy of
[104:55] Vin on stage to go, "Oh, thank you so
[104:56] much for coming up. Hey, thank you. I
[104:57] appreciate it." You freaked the hell out
[104:59] of them, right? So, instead of that, I
[105:01] match and mirror their vocal
[105:02] foundations. I'm like, "Oh, hey, thank
[105:04] you so much for coming up. I know it's a
[105:05] bit scary to sometimes meet us, but you
[105:07] know, when we fart, it still smells.
[105:09] Hey, thank you so much for coming up and
[105:10] connecting with me."
[105:12] The idea is you don't stay there,
[105:13] though. Mhm. You meet them where they
[105:15] are, and then you take them to where you
[105:17] want to go. So, I'm meeting them where
[105:19] they are, so they're comfortable and we
[105:20] build rapport and connections. I'm like,
[105:21] "Oh, hey, so good to have you come up.
[105:22] Thank you so much." And And hey, if you
[105:24] if you took a moment for a second,
[105:26] what was your favorite part?
[105:28] What did you really connect with when
[105:29] you were talking to me?
[105:30] So I met them where they are and then I
[105:32] slowly bring them to where I want to go.
[105:35] And it happens like magic.
[105:38] Where you will see them slowly come out
[105:40] of their shell a little more.
[105:42] You've got to meet them where they are
[105:43] first. To build that rapport, I've heard
[105:44] you talk about this thing called FORD.
[105:47] Yes, F O R D. We're talking about
[105:49] family, occupation, recreation, and
[105:51] dreams. And what's the context there?
[105:53] Well, it's these are the points of
[105:54] conversation that I could talk about if
[105:56] I wanted to engage with that person for
[105:57] a longer period of time. Instead of just
[105:59] thinking about what they do, that's what
[106:01] I always used to do. I always used to
[106:02] think about career, occupation. Oh, what
[106:04] do you do? I tend to default to that
[106:06] when I was in the keynote speaking
[106:07] career. But then FORD is just a
[106:08] wonderful acronym to go, well, there's
[106:09] so many other things we could talk
[106:10] about.
[106:11] There's so many other things we could
[106:12] talk about, right? I could talk about
[106:14] family, recreation, occupation, and your
[106:16] dreams.
[106:17] And why does having a a broader set of
[106:20] things to talk about cause more
[106:22] resonance and connection?
[106:23] Because that interaction feels different
[106:25] to every other one. Okay. Otherwise, it
[106:27] always feels like occupation. It's
[106:28] always about occupation.
[106:30] I I I just love having extra things to
[106:32] be able to go to. Like the dreams,
[106:33] again, I I love asking people that
[106:35] question. I love watching there's a
[106:37] gentleman named Simon Sinek who who's
[106:39] been able to own the brand of what is
[106:40] your dream, right? It's such a powerful
[106:42] question.
[106:43] And it causes people to pause and think,
[106:45] and what is my dream?
[106:47] And sometimes can lead to pain,
[106:48] sometimes leads to wonderful
[106:49] conversations.
[106:51] There's something about the depth of the
[106:52] question, I think, as well. They're just
[106:53] like It hits people. Yeah. It hits
[106:55] people.
[106:56] Especially the vulnerable thing. When
[106:57] you start saying that you were
[106:58] struggling with too much. Yeah.
[107:01] There's something that changed in me. I
[107:03] was like, oh. Yeah.
[107:05] He's human.
[107:07] That's why how I love buffalo so
[107:08] powerful.
[107:09] Is because and that's why I say it
[107:10] requires courage.
[107:12] Because I know that the moment people
[107:14] heard me say that, they they they clench
[107:15] their butt cheeks. They're like, uh no,
[107:17] I don't really want to do that.
[107:19] But the moment you do it,
[107:21] it changes everything.
[107:23] It shows I'm human, shows I struggle,
[107:24] shows I've got things that aren't going
[107:25] that well.
[107:27] You know, when we um had the
[107:28] conversation on the podcast with Vanessa
[107:30] about body language, one of the things
[107:31] that I saw in the comment section was
[107:33] people pointing out that in different
[107:35] cultures Yes. different rules apply.
[107:37] Yes. It's kind of what I was saying
[107:38] earlier about being British. We're a bit
[107:40] more conserved.
[107:41] Yeah. Do you need to sort of overlay all
[107:42] this advice with cultural nuance? 100%.
[107:46] A motivational speaker from America
[107:47] coming to Australia doesn't work well.
[107:50] Cuz if they they come to Australia like,
[107:51] "Oh, get on your feet. Let's start" Like
[107:53] Australians are very skeptical like
[107:54] those in the UK and we kind of sit back.
[107:56] We're like, "Yeah, no, mate. We just
[107:57] started.
[107:58] We're not doing that just yet." And
[107:59] that's why when American speakers come
[108:00] to Australia they're like, "Oh, they're
[108:01] so
[108:03] It takes them a long time to get into
[108:04] it." Cuz we're so skeptical in Australia
[108:06] too, right? I think we we kept that as
[108:07] we went to Australia from the UK. And
[108:10] there's still that So so you've got to
[108:11] be sensitive to that.
[108:13] And before you go and speak in a certain
[108:14] country, I think it's very important to
[108:16] go, "Right, what are the cultural
[108:17] norms?" And expose yourself to the I've
[108:19] made mistakes before.
[108:20] And I've I I I've done the ultimate
[108:22] mistake.
[108:23] I went
[108:25] There's a bit in my keynote where I say
[108:26] I told my dad I wanted to leave
[108:28] accounting and become a magician. And my
[108:29] dad said, "What the hell? You want to be
[108:31] the Harry Potter?" Right? So I so I
[108:33] So I play, right? I play a little bit
[108:34] with the voice.
[108:36] And then I went to I went to Asia
[108:38] and I did the same accent. No one
[108:39] laughed.
[108:41] And I went
[108:42] right.
[108:43] No sensitivity there. I I I didn't
[108:46] realize it that well A, they didn't find
[108:48] it funny cuz I was like, "Oh,
[108:50] Yeah. I was sweating bullets and then
[108:55] they start to slowly realize, "Oh, he's
[108:56] taking the piss."
[108:58] Oh, and then the audience turns against
[109:00] you.
[109:01] I've done it wrong many times before.
[109:02] I've done it wrong as many And again,
[109:03] that's how you learn, but people don't
[109:05] want to learn that way anymore. They
[109:06] don't want to pay the price of failure.
[109:07] But it's the only way you learn.
[109:10] And and so many people
[109:12] hate hearing their own voice. They do. I
[109:15] remember the first time I heard my own
[109:16] voice I couldn't believe it. When I was
[109:17] recording those little cassettes back in
[109:19] Plymouth when I was a kid. Do you know
[109:20] why? No.
[109:22] It's because
[109:23] when you hear your own voice, you're
[109:25] hearing the vibrations through bone and
[109:28] muscle muscle tissue.
[109:29] You're hearing those vibrations. So,
[109:32] they sound deeper, more resonant to you.
[109:33] So, when you hear your voice, you're
[109:34] like, "Ooh, I sound like Barry White."
[109:36] So, you think you have this deep, rich
[109:38] voice because you're hearing it through
[109:39] a different medium.
[109:41] Whereas, when you open your mouth and
[109:42] you speak to another person,
[109:43] the medium is not muscle or bone, it's
[109:45] through air.
[109:47] So, it's less dense. So, it sounds
[109:49] high-pitched. So, one of the main
[109:51] reasons people hate it immediately is
[109:52] they go, "Ah, what Why do I SOUND WHY DO
[109:54] I SOUND like this?" Whereas, in actual
[109:56] reality, it's because it's going through
[109:57] a different medium. One's going through
[109:59] bone and one's going through muscle. The
[110:01] other one's going through the air. So,
[110:02] this is why I thought I could sing. And
[110:03] then when I recorded myself singing and
[110:05] I played it back, I was dreadful.
[110:06] Made the same error.
[110:07] I couldn't believe it. I thought
[110:08] something was wrong with the recorder.
[110:09] Yes. And that's what happens to
[110:10] everybody.
[110:11] And it's also the same thing with why
[110:13] why people hate themselves on camera.
[110:14] It's because you see yourself in the
[110:15] mirror.
[110:16] And you see yourself the way you see
[110:19] yourself in the mirror. Then you see
[110:19] yourself on camera and it's flipped the
[110:20] other way and you go, "Whoa. What I
[110:22] don't look like that. Why is this part
[110:23] of my face look different?" Well, it's
[110:25] because
[110:26] that's what everybody else sees, but
[110:27] you've been looking at yourself in the
[110:28] mirror your entire life. You've been
[110:29] listening to yourself through bone
[110:30] tissue and muscle your entire life. So,
[110:32] how do I overcome that? Huh.
[110:34] Desensitization.
[110:36] You have to listen to yourself Do you
[110:37] still care about your voice? Do you
[110:38] still listen to it? Yeah, you don't care
[110:40] anymore. You love the sound of your
[110:41] voice now, don't you?
[110:42] I wouldn't say I love it, but I'm I'm so
[110:44] used to it. It doesn't make me cringe
[110:45] anymore. Because you've desensitized.
[110:47] Yeah. Because you're now hearing what
[110:48] other people hear. And you And again,
[110:50] that's why you should record videos of
[110:52] yourself.
[110:53] And I still think that record and review
[110:55] thing, if that's the one thing you do
[110:56] after this,
[110:58] it's going to If you pick three things
[110:59] to change after you do that process,
[111:01] it's going to radically shift the way
[111:02] you come across when you speak.
[111:05] You Imagine you are only three changes
[111:07] away from completely transforming.
[111:10] That's all that it takes. I've seen my
[111:12] students do this time and time and time
[111:13] again and and I I I wish I was able to
[111:15] show you in these video examples when
[111:17] all of a sudden they just shift more
[111:19] melody, more volume, larger body
[111:20] language. It's a different human being.
[111:24] It's crazy. And again, I'm not saying be
[111:26] that all the time.
[111:28] It's now you having gears, right? It's
[111:30] like a car.
[111:31] Most people just one gear. And I'll
[111:33] bring that one gear, that one
[111:34] communication style to every
[111:36] interaction.
[111:37] Why is that not effective? Do you think
[111:39] this whole introvert extrovert thing is
[111:41] [ __ ]
[111:42] I asked my vocal teacher this and I said
[111:46] like what's the what what's what's the
[111:47] difference? And and she asked me this
[111:48] question in return where she said
[111:50] that pianist you saw at the concert I
[111:52] took you to
[111:54] if they're an extrovert, how would it be
[111:56] different when they play the piano?
[111:58] And if they're an introvert, how would
[111:59] it be different?
[112:00] As a I've no idea. She goes, it's the
[112:01] same thing.
[112:03] Just you're playing your instrument. The
[112:04] only difference between introvert and
[112:05] extrovert is an introvert, they lose
[112:07] energy from social interaction. So you
[112:09] should have to be highly diligent. Uh
[112:10] you have to be highly diligent when
[112:13] you're expending that energy and you're
[112:14] playing the music for people. You have
[112:16] to be extremely diligent. Whereas those
[112:17] who are extroverts, they can play it for
[112:19] a longer
[112:20] extended period of time.
[112:22] So again, for an extrovert, it's just
[112:23] about choosing when you do that.
[112:24] Choosing when you play beautifully.
[112:27] As opposed to oh, I'm an I'm an
[112:28] introvert. I I I I should just talk like
[112:30] this then because I'm an introvert. He's
[112:31] like, what?
[112:32] Really?
[112:36] Social anxiety.
[112:38] Some people do have like severe social
[112:40] anxiety.
[112:41] Um so many of the thing they might have
[112:42] clicked on this conversation because
[112:45] they're interested, but they have no
[112:46] belief in themselves that they could
[112:48] ever change because they literally their
[112:49] body
[112:50] goes through almost like a panic attack
[112:52] when they're in these social situations.
[112:53] What do you say to those people?
[112:55] It's
[112:57] the slow process of desensitization.
[113:00] It really is. I I I I find it. Exposure
[113:02] therapy, yes. I find it I and I was
[113:05] that.
[113:06] I mean, the whole reason the only reason
[113:07] I learned magic in my life was because I
[113:09] felt like I had no value.
[113:11] And I had to go learn a whole craft to
[113:14] have value so that I could be amazing
[113:15] because by myself I'm not amazing.
[113:18] That's why I learned magic because I
[113:20] felt like I wasn't amazing. And then
[113:21] when I had this amazing thing, then
[113:22] everyone thought I was amazing. I was
[113:23] like, "Oh, I'm amazing now." But then
[113:25] one day I forgot my cards at school and
[113:26] then
[113:27] all of a sudden I went home and and I
[113:28] had some social interactions. I went,
[113:29] "Oh,
[113:30] I'm not amazing."
[113:33] What I'm trying to say here is
[113:34] instead of
[113:36] picking something like magic and then
[113:37] using that as a crutch because I did.
[113:40] And then in every conversation with you,
[113:41] I would have to do magic with you first
[113:43] before I do anything else.
[113:45] Because if I didn't, I I don't feel
[113:47] confident. Now I feel like I'm I have
[113:49] nothing to give.
[113:50] So to me
[113:52] this is why I push communication skills
[113:53] so much.
[113:55] Let me share with you a story. Let me
[113:56] let me give you a little bit of context.
[113:58] When I was 13, I went to year eight
[114:00] camp, freshman camp.
[114:02] I had a really good friend at the time
[114:04] named Kevin.
[114:05] I saw him playing ukulele around the
[114:07] fire camp.
[114:08] And for the first time I saw Kevin talk
[114:10] to girls. Me and Kevin bonded over the
[114:12] fact we would never talk to girls
[114:13] because I couldn't do it, he couldn't do
[114:14] it and we bonded over that. That night
[114:16] he broke that
[114:17] that trust cuz he was talking to girls
[114:19] and he was playing his ukulele and he
[114:20] was amazing. And I felt so pissed off at
[114:22] him. I ran back to the cabin.
[114:24] And the next morning I went, "Oh,
[114:26] the only friend I have here is now
[114:27] talking to girls." And And then the next
[114:29] morning I see him
[114:30] at the breakfast table by himself. I was
[114:32] like, "What?
[114:33] This guy was the bee's knees last night
[114:35] and now he's by himself. What the
[114:36] freak?"
[114:38] And I didn't understand that for the
[114:39] life of me.
[114:40] And then I experienced it in my life
[114:42] with cards.
[114:43] When I have a pack of cards, I could
[114:44] talk to anyone.
[114:45] But then when I didn't have my cards, I
[114:46] couldn't talk to anyone. I had crippling
[114:47] social anxiety.
[114:49] And I went,
[114:50] "Oh,
[114:51] this is what we call contextual
[114:52] confidence."
[114:54] Oh, interesting. So in certain contexts,
[114:57] I'm more confident. Even the people
[114:58] you're talking about who are anxious,
[115:00] there are certain contexts where they
[115:02] are contextually confident
[115:04] and they light up. There's a certain
[115:05] topic that if someone talks about it,
[115:07] that they might think of themselves as
[115:08] being a bad communicator, but because
[115:09] that topic comes up, they now are a
[115:10] great communicator.
[115:12] Right? So, then the idea of contextual
[115:13] confidence led me to really working out
[115:16] that communication skills is such a
[115:17] critical skill set. Why?
[115:19] Because if I master the use of my voice,
[115:21] if I master the use of my body language,
[115:23] I master the ability to storytell, can I
[115:25] leave my voice at home?
[115:27] Can I leave my body language at Can I
[115:28] leave my ability to storytelling and
[115:30] connect with other people at home?
[115:32] You can't.
[115:34] Now you have this ability that follows
[115:36] you everywhere you go, meaning you
[115:38] become contextually confident in every
[115:39] single area of your life.
[115:42] Do you get tired when you go home? Yes,
[115:44] 100%.
[115:47] I can imagine cuz you are high energy.
[115:48] Because I choose to give. Yeah.
[115:51] I I I'm I'm consciously choosing to do
[115:52] that.
[115:55] And there are times when I choose not
[115:56] to.
[115:56] So that in the times where I do give, I
[115:58] can give you the best version of me.
[116:00] I didn't leave my
[116:02] Our interview today was 4:00 p.m.,
[116:03] right? Mhm. I didn't leave the hotel
[116:05] room at all all day.
[116:07] Why? Because I'm conserving that energy
[116:09] for you. Okay, thank you. Yeah, you're
[116:11] welcome. And to the point where my
[116:12] videographer was asking me, he said,
[116:13] "Hey, dude, are you all right?" Mhm. And
[116:16] then he goes, "Look, just just He was I
[116:18] love him. He gets so concerned about me.
[116:19] He goes, "Just Just wave to me outside
[116:21] of your windows so I can see you."
[116:23] And then I OPEN THE DOOR AND I GO, "OH,
[116:24] THIS door opens." And I wave. I was
[116:25] like, "Hey, dude." AND HE'S LIKE, "OH,
[116:26] COOL. COOL. COOL." What were you saying?
[116:28] Cuz I didn't I didn't leave my hotel
[116:29] room, right? Because I was conscious of
[116:30] that.
[116:31] I was just conscious of that.
[116:32] it. Thank you. Yeah, that's all right.
[116:33] That's all right. I was already
[116:34] jet-lagged. I didn't want to I didn't
[116:35] want to be [ __ ] No, but I can relate as
[116:37] well cuz I I I sometimes wonder if
[116:39] energy is finite or if
[116:41] I do this podcast and then I you know,
[116:42] I'll go and
[116:44] go into the real world and I just I
[116:45] don't want to have I'm so I'm depleted.
[116:48] Yeah.
[116:49] And I want I always wondered if that's
[116:50] something I could do something about if
[116:51] I just need to buck up and just, you
[116:53] know, try and be
[116:54] There's only so much of that you can do.
[116:55] And it is a limited It it a limited
[116:57] supply. That's why it's so beautiful
[116:58] when someone is willing to sit and be
[116:59] present and play their instrument with
[117:01] you. Mhm.
[117:02] Because it's it's it's a conscious
[117:04] thing.
[117:06] Whereas I used to approach every
[117:07] interaction with Oh, I'll bring the bare
[117:09] minimum.
[117:11] And I I didn't value I didn't understand
[117:13] that that exchange of energy
[117:15] you get so much more out of life when
[117:17] you give more.
[117:18] Not just with money and time, but with
[117:19] your energy. Yes. There's a transaction
[117:21] here that's happening that's invisible.
[117:24] And and I treat like
[117:27] I I It's so weird and it doesn't happen
[117:29] because I have a lot of followers. Lots
[117:30] of people don't know who I am.
[117:32] On the way here
[117:33] I got upgraded
[117:35] on my flight because I just built
[117:37] connection with the person and I
[117:38] thought, you know what? I'm just This
[117:39] person's probably had a lot of boring
[117:40] conversations. I'm just going to make
[117:41] them laugh.
[117:42] So, I just spoke make them laugh and
[117:43] they're like, "Oh, ho, ho." And
[117:46] And it and it happens. I feel like I've
[117:47] just found this cheat code in life where
[117:49] I keep my energy when I need it and when
[117:51] there are times I need it I'll I'll use
[117:52] the energy. Like a currency. Yeah, it
[117:54] is. And I'm I'm not I wasn't I didn't
[117:56] think they were going to give me an
[117:57] upgrade, but they didn't they did, which
[117:58] was so so cool, right?
[118:00] And they felt good, too.
[118:02] You probably hypnotized them or
[118:03] something.
[118:03] Yeah, I kind of know my magic tricks.
[118:04] Yeah. Mhm. It's it's
[118:06] It's an energy bribe.
[118:08] I You going back to what you said
[118:10] earlier, you said that you're at a phase
[118:11] in your life where you're struggling
[118:13] with the
[118:16] thought that when is enough enough?
[118:18] Yeah, it's been really hard.
[118:20] Yeah.
[118:23] I mean, are you feeling this? Because as
[118:25] you build your personal brand, as this
[118:26] podcast reaches more people as it is
[118:28] already, as it gets bigger and bigger
[118:30] and bigger, more and more and more
[118:31] opportunities come along. The momentum
[118:33] gets faster and faster and faster.
[118:36] It becomes harder now
[118:38] to steer. What is that struggle though?
[118:42] So, struggle implies that there's two
[118:44] forces pulling in two different
[118:45] directions. So, describe both forces to
[118:47] me.
[118:49] There's There's of me that is very
[118:52] ambitious.
[118:54] But my identity now has been upgraded.
[118:57] I'm not just entrepreneur, I'm dad.
[118:59] And there's a pull between the
[119:00] entrepreneur in me and the dad in me.
[119:02] And it's mutually exclusive. Yes.
[119:04] And they're both so strong and I've
[119:06] never felt it this strong. My daughter's
[119:08] about to turn one. My son's seven
[119:10] turning eight.
[119:11] And these forces now, Stephen, are so
[119:13] strong because my father was so good
[119:16] in my life.
[119:17] Such a pillar in my life that
[119:21] I used to be away 180 days a year.
[119:24] Right, I missed out on so much of my
[119:25] son's upbringing.
[119:27] And I I don't want to make that same
[119:29] mistake. And I again, I didn't realize
[119:31] there was this I didn't see the
[119:32] correlation between success and
[119:34] sacrifice. I I I drank the Kool-Aid. I
[119:36] thought you can have everything.
[119:38] You can have everything.
[119:40] And and I I haven't found a way to do
[119:41] that because the the more success I
[119:43] have, the sacrifice that comes right
[119:45] behind it.
[119:47] You know, and and I've just
[119:49] am learning what is the amount of
[119:50] sacrifice that I'm willing to
[119:52] to to have.
[119:54] And it is it's it's so hard because as
[119:57] as I value being like I the more I value
[119:59] being a father, the the bigger these
[120:01] opportunities that come along as well.
[120:03] And then you're like, ah.
[120:05] So, it's this constant push and pull,
[120:06] this
[120:08] And how are you navigating that?
[120:10] In terms of have you got a framework for
[120:12] the decision or
[120:14] a framework to know what you should say
[120:15] yes to and what you shouldn't?
[120:17] Every 6 months I do a process called
[120:19] recalibrate. And recalibrate is a
[120:21] process I came up with one of my best
[120:22] friends and myself, Ali Torabi. He's one
[120:24] of the founders of a company called
[120:25] Future Golf in Australia.
[120:27] And we go away for about half a week to
[120:31] a week and we get permission from our
[120:32] families
[120:33] and we review and reflect on the last 6
[120:35] months and how we've lived and the
[120:36] decisions we've made.
[120:37] And we go through memorable moments and
[120:39] we go through down moments. And because
[120:42] we both journal, we can reflect back
[120:43] quite accurately on oh, what made us
[120:45] feel [ __ ] in the last 6 months?
[120:46] And then we save ourselves from doing
[120:48] those same actions in the next 6 months.
[120:49] And then the things that made us feel
[120:50] good, we go, all right, those go in the
[120:51] more of category. So now how can we do
[120:53] more of those things that made us feel
[120:54] good? So the way I protect myself from
[120:56] that is by doing this process. But even
[120:59] then, the push and pull is it's always
[121:01] ever present. That struggle is always
[121:03] there. What is your ambition?
[121:06] I told you about my two kids.
[121:11] I I had very selfish ambitions early on
[121:14] in my career.
[121:15] Very ambitious.
[121:16] My own.
[121:17] Which was to make a lot of money.
[121:20] You know, to to be able to do all these
[121:22] different things that I wanted to do in
[121:23] the material world and all of that.
[121:25] And then my son was born.
[121:27] And he was born in
[121:29] 2017.
[121:30] And we were in America and
[121:33] we were first-time parents and we
[121:36] we didn't know what to expect. We didn't
[121:37] have many friends while we were here and
[121:39] we were super isolated. So we didn't we
[121:40] didn't have other kids around my son and
[121:43] and I still remember this trip I went on
[121:45] to Japan with my cousin and her husband.
[121:47] They're both psychologists.
[121:49] And we were 1 week into that trip.
[121:52] And I remember them saying, "Hey, we we
[121:54] have something really important we need
[121:55] to talk to you about."
[121:56] And
[121:58] I was like, "What the hell, guys? Why
[121:59] are you being all serious? What what's
[122:00] going on?" And and and they sat my wife
[122:02] and I down and they said,
[122:06] "We we we we think Xander is autistic."
[122:09] My son.
[122:11] And at that point,
[122:12] cuz I I thought it was because of me
[122:14] being away. I thought it was because all
[122:15] because I'm away so much that
[122:17] that you you didn't want to connect with
[122:18] me and
[122:22] and they confirmed that they said all
[122:23] these things. Eye contact, um
[122:25] maybe he won't be verbal, maybe
[122:30] it was one of the most difficult periods
[122:31] of my life.
[122:33] And then my wife leaned over and she
[122:34] said,
[122:35] "Do you think it's by chance that one of
[122:38] the greatest things that
[122:40] people who are on the spectrum struggle
[122:41] with
[122:43] you're really great at.
[122:45] Do you think it's by chance that
[122:47] he came to us?
[122:49] And at that point I was not teaching
[122:51] communication skills really yet.
[122:53] And
[122:57] it's almost a very selfish goal.
[122:59] But the reason I teach it is because I
[123:01] think you know that one of the main
[123:02] things that happens when you teach
[123:04] something Steven is that you become
[123:05] better at it.
[123:06] You deepen your knowledge in that arena.
[123:08] You get better at teaching it. You get
[123:09] better and better and better at teaching
[123:10] it.
[123:12] A big part of my ambition in this
[123:13] chapter of life is to get so good at
[123:14] teaching this that I can help my son.
[123:17] You know, now my son
[123:19] talks.
[123:21] My son
[123:22] gives me eye contact. Just last year my
[123:24] son
[123:26] did the most amazing thing where I was
[123:27] teaching a class filled with hundreds of
[123:29] people.
[123:30] And he just walks up on stage, grabs the
[123:34] mic, and talks.
[123:36] And asks me if I can I can I have this
[123:37] book dad? I'm like, yes, of course you
[123:38] can. He did something that scared every
[123:41] single person in that room. And we
[123:42] didn't push him to do it.
[123:44] And how do we make that happen? He came
[123:46] to that theater with me 30 40 times.
[123:49] First times you stand outside the
[123:50] theater, you just listen to dad's voice.
[123:52] Then you step you stand you open the
[123:54] door, you stand in there and you can
[123:55] kind of see dad from afar. Too much,
[123:57] okay, that's all right, you got
[123:58] overwhelmed just step back out. And just
[124:00] step by step by step by step my son was
[124:01] able to gradually walk on stage and do
[124:03] the thing he did. And I just went, wow,
[124:04] this is so cool. Because me teaching
[124:06] this I've understood now, wow,
[124:08] I can break it down to micro steps for
[124:10] you.
[124:12] And
[124:15] selfishly that's
[124:17] that's such a big part of my ambition
[124:18] right now is how can I get so good at
[124:20] teaching this
[124:21] that I can help my son overcome one of
[124:22] his most challenging difficulties that
[124:24] we'll experience in this life.
[124:29] Incredibly beautiful.
[124:30] Your father as well Yeah. was and is
[124:35] an incredible Mhm. person.
[124:37] Yeah.
[124:38] You were telling me a little bit about
[124:39] him before, but I also did some research
[124:40] on
[124:41] the life he lived and what he went
[124:43] through and his brothers and his family
[124:45] and it was
[124:46] incredible. And he is now a monk. And my
[124:48] mom.
[124:50] Tell me about that conversation.
[124:53] Yeah, my mom and dad, before I moved to
[124:55] the US, they
[124:58] Yeah, they we sat around a kitchen table
[125:00] like this and
[125:01] and they said, "Hey, we've got a big
[125:01] bombshell to drop on you and and and and
[125:04] we want to become monks, right? We've
[125:05] been We've been playing the money game,
[125:07] we've been playing the status game and
[125:10] and we've we're suffering. We're
[125:11] suffering and we've been following
[125:12] Buddhism for years and we find so much
[125:14] peace in in this pathway." He said,
[125:17] "We're suffering." Yeah.
[125:19] So, how?
[125:20] We would buy a new car because one of my
[125:22] uncles bought a new car.
[125:24] We'd buy a new house and a two-story
[125:26] house because one of my uncles bought a
[125:27] two-story house.
[125:28] And I watched my dad play this and I saw
[125:30] it and it got to the point where we got
[125:32] a jet ski and
[125:33] we didn't have a boat license.
[125:36] So, what are we doing with the jet ski?
[125:38] And it became this weird moment where I
[125:40] was like, "Oh, Dad, like
[125:41] can we take it out?" Oh, no, we can't
[125:42] because none of us have a boat license.
[125:45] So, Dad had his own suffering in his
[125:46] life. He went from nothing in Australia
[125:48] to building incredible businesses with
[125:50] his brothers, right? They started South
[125:52] Australia one of South Australia's first
[125:54] grocery stores and then they went to buy
[125:55] pharmacies and restaurants and takeaway
[125:58] stores. They did they commercial
[125:59] property, real estate, residential
[126:00] property. So, they they built all this
[126:01] up. And they'd fled from
[126:03] They fled from war. From war in Vietnam.
[126:04] They started from nothing in Australia.
[126:07] And I watched them do that.
[126:09] Right? The most memorable thing that led
[126:10] me to this path of entrepreneurship that
[126:12] I am in now is
[126:14] I saw them
[126:16] we would have three bedrooms in the
[126:17] house. One was for sleeping, the other
[126:19] two were sewing rooms.
[126:20] And then after you finish sewing all
[126:22] day, you go outside and you peel onions
[126:23] and you get paid 50 cents per bag of 20
[126:25] kilo bag of onion that you peel. You get
[126:27] 50 cents for the whole bag peeled. And
[126:29] then after that, every part of our
[126:30] garden was dug up to grow vegetables
[126:32] that we would sell for 10 cents a bunch
[126:33] at the local grocery store. And then
[126:35] after that as well, they would also cook
[126:37] these delicious things in Vietnamese
[126:38] called one deck and then we would cook
[126:40] them and sell them for 50 cents each
[126:42] inside the house, right? That's what we
[126:43] would do. So I watched them do that to
[126:45] then buying a farm to then realizing
[126:47] that oh, the farmer sell to an agent,
[126:48] the agent sells it to grocery stores.
[126:50] Oh, we should save up money. Saved up
[126:51] for years, bought a grocery store. So
[126:53] then we became the farm, we became the
[126:55] grocery store. All right. And I just
[126:56] watched them do all of these different
[126:58] things.
[126:59] And
[127:00] And there were years where dad was was
[127:01] really happy.
[127:03] But then there were years that started
[127:04] to come where he find I saw him
[127:06] really empty.
[127:09] And you're just going through the
[127:10] motions of doing things because I'm you
[127:12] know, what uncle did it so I guess I'll
[127:14] do it too.
[127:15] And I And that's what he meant by
[127:16] suffering is that they were playing that
[127:17] money game and they were playing that
[127:18] status game.
[127:20] And they felt
[127:22] there was an exhaustion to it. When they
[127:24] were when we had that conversation,
[127:25] there was such exhaustion there.
[127:29] And I remember feeling it with what made
[127:30] me think cuz the guy in my head I was
[127:32] thinking oh, you just want to get a
[127:33] divorce. But but then when I when I felt
[127:34] the exhaustion of it, I went oh, wait,
[127:35] are you exhausted of each other or I
[127:37] went wow, wow, this there's a game
[127:39] you're playing and you're so exhausted
[127:40] and you found freedom
[127:42] because you're so excited for this other
[127:43] thing.
[127:44] And this other thing was becoming a
[127:45] monk.
[127:46] Becoming a monk, renouncing
[127:48] They renounced everything. Renounced
[127:49] everything. Yeah. And then I became the
[127:52] person that then had to give some of the
[127:53] things that they needed.
[127:56] I think I think one of the greatest
[127:57] gifts that my parents have given me
[127:59] is not giving me an inheritance.
[128:02] It's one of the greatest things that at
[128:03] the time I wanted to negotiate that so
[128:05] bad. I was like 20%? Can we just Can we
[128:07] just split it a little bit? But one of
[128:09] the greatest things they did cuz they
[128:10] didn't kill my drive. Was it a lot of
[128:11] stuff they had? Yeah, they had money.
[128:14] Millions? Yeah.
[128:15] And then I
[128:17] And then then almost had it. Then up
[128:19] there's a part where And again to be
[128:20] completely truthful with the journey,
[128:21] then I was like oh,
[128:23] But then now
[128:24] now I need to help you.
[128:26] And I I had to, because
[128:28] they had a vision, and I wanted to help
[128:30] them. So, I bought them a block of land
[128:32] to help them build a meditation center.
[128:34] And my dad was like, "No, no, no, I just
[128:35] want the little like just land."
[128:37] And then he had a shed there.
[128:38] And then he said, "Just whoever comes to
[128:40] help us put the shed together, that will
[128:42] be the meditation center. It doesn't
[128:44] need to be anything more than that."
[128:46] And then he had all these people in the
[128:47] Vietnamese community come along, and
[128:48] which you paid around the back. No, I
[128:50] didn't. I didn't pay them. I didn't pay
[128:51] them. I didn't pay them. I had to pay
[128:52] some diggers to come in to actually, you
[128:54] know, move the land in some places, but
[128:55] I was happy to do that.
[128:57] And then I saw them build this beautiful
[128:59] little spot where it was filled with the
[129:01] gardens, with vegetables, and
[129:02] self-sufficient now.
[129:04] And people in the Vietnamese culture
[129:05] come to them, because a lot of them are
[129:07] suffering from PTSD, but they don't
[129:08] acknowledge it. Where is this place? In
[129:10] South Australia. We got a little block
[129:11] of land, and
[129:13] um
[129:14] yeah, it's called Nang Mai.
[129:16] And then they they they just have people
[129:17] go there. Vietnamese Because my dad
[129:19] doesn't speak English that well. So,
[129:21] he's got a bunch of people from the
[129:22] Vietnamese culture coming to him who are
[129:23] suffering
[129:25] from the war.
[129:26] And some of them have had children pass
[129:28] away. And I've all these And then I see
[129:29] my dad
[129:31] bring someone who's The The craziest
[129:32] situation was when I saw him have
[129:34] someone
[129:36] lose a child,
[129:37] one of the greatest pains I think a
[129:39] human could ever know, and then walk in
[129:41] in tears. Dad speak to them, hold their
[129:44] hand, went for a walk. And then just
[129:45] took their hands. They started
[129:47] gardening. And I watched this ridiculous
[129:48] thing happen in front of me, where then
[129:50] he took them gardening. They planted a
[129:51] few things. They picked some fruit. They
[129:52] went to the kitchen. They cooked. And
[129:54] then he just said to them at the end of
[129:54] the day, "You did something amazing
[129:55] today.
[129:57] You planted some fruit for those
[129:59] who you may not be around for, but when
[130:01] this tree grows, you you've planted some
[130:02] beautiful fruit for someone to eat.
[130:04] You've done something really good
[130:05] today."
[130:06] And I watched him almost
[130:08] heal someone without saying much at all.
[130:10] Because And I said, "Dad, how did you do
[130:11] that?" He goes,
[130:13] "Because I just took them out of their
[130:14] head just for a moment into their hands
[130:16] to give them a moment of quiet."
[130:18] People People know how to get out of
[130:20] their own troubles. Sometimes they just
[130:21] need a place to
[130:24] need some shade.
[130:25] Is he Is he happy? He I've never seen
[130:27] him happier.
[130:28] Well, I and I was the biggest skeptic.
[130:31] Cuz I thought surely there's going to be
[130:33] a crack. And I was playing that skeptic.
[130:35] I think I feel kind of bad playing that
[130:36] skeptic.
[130:37] Because for a period of my life I was
[130:39] like
[130:40] is this real?
[130:42] Like is it real?
[130:44] Or is this a phase?
[130:46] And
[130:47] as far as I can see it's
[130:49] it's real. Good on him. And and he's so
[130:51] free though.
[130:53] It's cuz he wakes up every morning.
[130:56] There's he has this incredible he's no
[130:58] attachments. He's he's he's detached
[131:00] from everything. What has he told you
[131:02] about
[131:03] the endless pursuit of more?
[131:08] Has he given you any cautionary sort of
[131:10] warnings about Yeah.
[131:12] Yeah, it's it's it's it's what brought
[131:14] me back home from the US.
[131:16] It's what brought me back. You told me a
[131:18] quote which I loved before we started
[131:19] recording. What was that quote?
[131:20] While I was in the US, he
[131:23] he doesn't say much my dad.
[131:25] Right? Growing up he he
[131:27] he supported through action a lot.
[131:29] And I remember when my mom called me and
[131:31] said hey I
[131:32] your dad wants to talk to you.
[131:34] And this is when I was in the US and I
[131:35] was ah man
[131:37] I was so knee deep in the keynote
[131:38] speaking career. I was on the road 200
[131:40] days a year and I was doing 80 speeches.
[131:42] It was it was such a addictive career
[131:44] because so financially rewarding, so
[131:46] fulfilling as well. And I love
[131:47] performing.
[131:49] And it was so amazing and
[131:51] I couldn't get out of that world, but I
[131:52] was so lonely here in the US. I was so
[131:55] miserable. But then again because you
[131:56] get paid more you go oh you one more
[131:58] year, one more year. Oh honey it's okay,
[132:00] we'll just do one more year.
[132:02] And my dad called and he just said a
[132:04] sentence that brought me home. And the
[132:05] sentence was
[132:07] and and and I'll I'll preface this
[132:09] because he knows I love medieval movies.
[132:11] I love
[132:12] I love these kind of movies and he said
[132:14] a king that knows the limits to his
[132:15] desires
[132:17] will rule a lifetime.
[132:22] And I'd lost track
[132:24] of my desires at that point. What does
[132:26] he mean by that?
[132:28] You'll notice kings that want to
[132:29] continually conquer. I want to conquer
[132:32] more. I want to conquer more land. And
[132:33] And gradually what happens to them is
[132:35] they die.
[132:36] They get killed.
[132:38] Whereas the kings that know the limits
[132:39] to their desires, they rule an entire
[132:41] lifetime.
[132:45] And that's what I really connected with.
[132:46] And that's what brought me back in
[132:49] I walked away from a speaking career to
[132:51] go back to South Australia, Adelaide.
[132:54] I remember my agents in Australia said,
[132:55] "Can't you at least come back to
[132:56] Melbourne and Sydney?
[132:58] You're going to Adelaide?" And And to me
[133:00] because I wanted to
[133:04] the pendulum had swung so far one way
[133:07] that I reacted in that way and swung so
[133:09] back far the other way.
[133:11] And
[133:12] I learned a lot going back.
[133:15] Because a lot of the beliefs that I had
[133:16] weren't real. I believed that I had to
[133:18] be here in Southern California
[133:21] to have this business that I wanted to
[133:22] build, to become the person you to
[133:24] become I I had that belief. And that
[133:26] belief wasn't real.
[133:28] Is there a voice inside you that goes
[133:31] God, you could do it bigger. 100%. You
[133:33] could do it. Go to New York.
[133:34] Yeah, 100% it's there. But my dad's
[133:36] voice is there though.
[133:37] My dad's voice is also there.
[133:39] Which I'm grateful for.
[133:41] Because I made the mistake with my son
[133:42] already. Steven, I was away so much.
[133:45] I was away so much.
[133:47] I don't want to make the same mistake
[133:49] with him ongoing.
[133:51] I wanted to recalibrate.
[133:53] Because here's what would normally
[133:55] happen to me.
[133:57] I would always achieve the goals of a
[133:59] previous version of me and then go, "Oh,
[134:01] I'm unhappy." Oh, it's because you
[134:02] achieved the goals of a previous version
[134:04] of you.
[134:06] I wasn't aligning the things that I was
[134:08] doing with the present version of me.
[134:10] Because I never took the time to sit
[134:12] still.
[134:13] That's why the recalibrate trips that I
[134:14] go on with my best mate Ali are so vital
[134:17] to me because I'm learning how to take
[134:19] action that's more aligned with the
[134:20] present version of me.
[134:23] I've got a previous version of you here.
[134:27] What was um what was what was that kid
[134:29] like at that age?
[134:31] Starving for attention.
[134:34] Starving for attention.
[134:37] And
[134:39] desperate.
[134:40] Felt really lonely.
[134:42] Because I moved schools so many times.
[134:45] Most people go to university with a
[134:46] group of strong friends. I went to five
[134:47] schools. What did he need to hear? If
[134:50] you could teleport back and you could
[134:51] have a whisper in his ear and just give
[134:53] him a couple of sentences at that moment
[134:55] in time, what would you say to him?
[134:58] I'd tell him not to be so attached to
[135:00] who you currently are.
[135:04] Stop being so attached to this identity
[135:06] that you've created.
[135:10] Not only are other people going to try
[135:12] to keep you inside this. You're the one
[135:14] that's keeping you inside this.
[135:16] You keep blaming other people saying
[135:18] that oh, everyone's stopping me from
[135:19] becoming the person I am. No, no, no.
[135:22] Listen, Vin. It's you.
[135:26] You're the one stopping you from
[135:27] becoming the future version of you.
[135:34] And the simple word would just be
[135:38] just let go.
[135:40] Let go of that present version of you.
[135:43] I held on to it.
[135:46] Why do we hang on to
[135:49] it?
[135:51] As much as my reality sucked in that
[135:53] moment, I felt safe.
[135:56] Familiar. Familiar. And and and and it
[135:58] felt like home.
[136:00] Because what is home? Home is just a
[136:01] familiar.
[136:02] And the coolest thing about traveling is
[136:04] that even is is as I traveled more
[136:06] before home, I would tell you, "Oh, home
[136:09] to me is Salisbury Downs."
[136:11] And then as I started to travel around
[136:12] my own city, I went, "Oh, no, home is
[136:13] Adelaide." Then I started to go camping,
[136:15] "Oh, home is South Australia." As I
[136:17] traveled, "Oh, home is Australia." Then
[136:19] I started to live in America, "Oh, home
[136:20] is America." And then home gradually
[136:22] becomes the world.
[136:25] There's this beautiful concept where
[136:27] again, I just kind of home to me is just
[136:28] a familiar and at that point,
[136:31] my home was Salisbury Downs.
[136:34] My home with this such limited version
[136:35] of Vin.
[136:37] And I was too afraid to venture out of
[136:39] Salisbury.
[136:45] Vin, what's the most important thing
[136:48] that we haven't spoken about
[136:51] that we should have spoken about today
[136:53] as it relates to the work that you do?
[136:57] And if you had to guess what the person
[136:58] at home
[137:00] that question that they have that I
[137:01] didn't ask that they're screaming at the
[137:03] screen what it might be that we didn't
[137:04] cover, what do you think it would be?
[137:08] One big thing is
[137:11] So, I've told you all these different
[137:12] things you can do with your voice. All
[137:13] these different things you can play with
[137:14] your body language.
[137:16] And the big thing they're screaming at
[137:17] home is they're they're they're
[137:18] screaming out, "Yeah, but if I did that
[137:20] tonight with my partner, they're going
[137:22] to freak out. They're going to go, 'What
[137:23] the hell is that? What what are you What
[137:25] What are you doing?'" right? So, all of
[137:26] a sudden now, there needs to be a
[137:27] process for that.
[137:28] So, Vin, what is the process for that?
[137:30] Thank you for asking. And the process
[137:32] for that is you have to understand first
[137:35] of all,
[137:36] I love this concept of neutral ears. And
[137:38] a neutral ear is someone who has no
[137:40] preconceived idea of how you sound or
[137:42] how you communicate. And there are
[137:43] neutral ears everywhere.
[137:44] Before I met you, well, you watch my
[137:45] content. But if I go out today and I go
[137:48] to get some gas or I go to the grocery
[137:50] store, there are neutral ears there.
[137:52] They don't have any preconceived ideas
[137:53] of how I sound, how I talk with my
[137:54] hands, whether or not I'm aware of the
[137:56] power sphere or not.
[137:58] You could go out in those instances and
[137:59] try out these new behaviors. Uh, run it
[138:01] on some neutral ears. I like that. Run
[138:03] it on some neutral ears. And you can
[138:04] play. So, if normally you speak very
[138:05] quietly, tonight when you go to the gas
[138:07] station, go in there with vibrant volume
[138:09] and go, "Hey, quick question before I go
[138:11] in. Do you have any chocolates with the
[138:12] peanuts?" Yeah, yeah, you do. I'm going
[138:14] to come in. I'm coming in for them.
[138:16] Play. Just do it, right? And just do it.
[138:18] Sometimes one look can put you back in
[138:20] your mold.
[138:22] Whereas when you do it neutral ears, and
[138:23] when you try new behaviors with no
[138:24] negative judgment, you know what it
[138:26] does? It helps those behaviors stick a
[138:27] little bit more. Yeah. Because it helps
[138:29] you feel normal doing it. And then you
[138:31] have a chance now to play and be
[138:33] vulnerable. Look for neutral ears. I'd
[138:35] set people KPIs.
[138:37] Every single day
[138:38] and
[138:40] every single day set yourself a KPI.
[138:42] Maybe go to a gas station a little
[138:43] further from your house and play with
[138:45] your voice. Play with your body
[138:46] language. Be a bigger version of you.
[138:48] And as you do this more and more and
[138:50] more, you iron out the kinks.
[138:52] You'll do it. You'll feel wrong. You get
[138:53] That's okay. I'm going to try it again.
[138:55] Oh, that felt right.
[138:57] And then you start to finesse. Because
[138:59] the first time someone plays the
[139:00] saxophone, it sounds terrible.
[139:04] But as they play it more and more and
[139:05] more and more, oh, they get better and
[139:06] better and better and better.
[139:07] So, neutral ear is very important. Okay,
[139:09] so that's a process. Then, if you want
[139:11] your partner to be supportive, then you
[139:12] have to prime the conversation when you
[139:14] go home.
[139:15] So, don't immediately come home as this
[139:16] other version of you. Come home and and
[139:17] prime it by saying,
[139:19] "Look, honey,
[139:20] I've been very quiet with my voice my
[139:21] entire life.
[139:23] And I just feel inspired to give you and
[139:25] the kids more of me. So, if you see me
[139:27] play with my volume, if you see me play
[139:29] with my melody,
[139:31] could you please encourage me and
[139:32] support me on this journey?
[139:34] Because I want to be better.
[139:35] And do it with me? Yeah. Oh, that's
[139:38] beautiful. I love that. Yes. And maybe
[139:39] we can do it together."
[139:41] All of a sudden now, this shifts the way
[139:43] they see the change.
[139:44] You can do this with your colleagues as
[139:46] well.
[139:47] I love that.
[139:48] Yeah, neutral ears. Then we have a
[139:50] closing tradition on this podcast where
[139:51] the last guest leaves a question for the
[139:53] next guest not knowing who they're
[139:54] leaving it for. Mhm.
[139:56] And the question that's been left for
[139:58] you.
[140:02] What is one thing
[140:04] that you know to be true
[140:07] I'm doing pauses. Did you see that?
[140:09] Even though
[140:11] you can't prove it?
[140:15] That in the world we live right now, you
[140:17] can negotiate whatever reality you
[140:19] desire.
[140:21] Right now
[140:22] in my own mind
[140:25] I just have that belief and that belief
[140:27] has served me
[140:29] my entire life. And I have this voice in
[140:30] my head where it says, "Oh, when you die
[140:32] and there's a greater being, they're
[140:33] going to go, 'Oh, you're wrong. You're
[140:35] wrong in telling people that you can
[140:37] negotiate whatever reality you desire.
[140:38] It's not true.'" And let's say that
[140:40] happens and then I meet the creator and
[140:41] he says that to me.
[140:43] I'd still be glad I lived my life in
[140:45] that way.
[140:50] I'd still be glad I lived my life in
[140:52] that exact way.
[140:55] I mean, gosh, yeah. It's
[140:57] a much more productive
[140:59] optimistic
[141:01] effective way to live. Even if you're
[141:04] wrong. Even if I'm wrong. Yeah. Because
[141:06] I believe there are useful beliefs and
[141:07] then there are useless beliefs. I used
[141:09] to carry so many useless beliefs,
[141:11] Stephen. So many.
[141:13] And now I just choose to believe in
[141:15] beliefs that support me in being able to
[141:18] create the reality that I desire. So
[141:19] that even if I'm wrong, I still am glad
[141:21] I lived my life in this way.
[141:23] Because there's a part of my brain right
[141:24] now that genuinely believes this.
[141:27] That there'll be a day when I will be
[141:29] bored with this chapter of life and no
[141:30] longer want to teach communication
[141:31] skills.
[141:34] I just hope that I have the courage.
[141:37] But I know that I'll be able to live a
[141:39] chapter where I become a chef.
[141:41] I love cooking.
[141:43] And I know it to be true that if I
[141:44] wanted that and I'm ready for that
[141:45] chapter, I can write a chapter where I
[141:46] become a great chef.
[141:51] Finn, thank you.
[141:53] Thank you for coming away from Australia
[141:54] and thank you so much for the work that
[141:55] you do. It's so You're so remarkably
[141:57] good at um
[141:58] making the complex simple. And I think I
[142:01] really really deeply believe and this is
[142:02] why I wanted to speak to you. I really
[142:04] really believe that there's so many
[142:05] people, this is interesting language I'm
[142:07] about to use, that are basically
[142:10] being unfairly treated by the world
[142:12] because for whatever reason they didn't
[142:13] come across the skills, the skills that
[142:15] you've spent many many many years
[142:18] giving to people. And I just really hope
[142:21] that there's someone listening now who
[142:23] has had that and I know there will be
[142:24] cuz there's so many people in your
[142:25] audience and I've seen the feedback that
[142:26] you get who's had the trajectory of
[142:29] their life altered in relationships,
[142:31] professions, the job, the promotion, uh
[142:34] family communication, whate- whatever it
[142:37] might be because of you. And I know cuz
[142:40] I've seen the comments, I know that
[142:41] there are many many many many many many
[142:43] thousands and thousands and thousands of
[142:45] people who've said exactly that. So on
[142:47] behalf of all of them, but also on
[142:48] behalf of the people that even one tool
[142:51] out of what you've said today.
[142:52] One place to start on that journey
[142:54] towards a different tomorrow trajectory,
[142:57] life.
[142:58] Thank you. Thank you for the work that
[142:59] you do. I know it must get [ __ ]
[143:01] boring after a while doing the same
[143:03] thing, saying the same same stuff, being
[143:05] asked the same questions, getting the
[143:07] same DMs. But it is
[143:09] so important.
[143:11] It really is.
[143:12] You know, cuz
[143:13] as you experienced as a young man, the
[143:15] way that you can feel
[143:17] the the isolation, the loneliness, the
[143:19] disconnect, the
[143:21] the feelings that you're different and
[143:22] that you're missing something can really
[143:24] drive you down a very miserable,
[143:27] despairing path in life and someone like
[143:29] you helps people turn the lights on and
[143:31] shows them a better way. So thank you on
[143:33] behalf of all those people. Thank you,
[143:35] Stephen, and
[143:36] there's a word that I call my students.
[143:38] Uh maybe we can end on this.
[143:40] And the word I call them is luminaries.
[143:43] Because I I I I call all of my programs
[143:45] stage. All right, stage. And they go,
[143:46] "Why do you call it stage?" And I go,
[143:47] "Well, it's stage because of
[143:49] Shakespeare's quote, all of life is a
[143:50] stage. All the world's a stage."
[143:53] And to me, it's true because when I wake
[143:54] up in the morning, the first stage I
[143:56] step on is the stage of fatherhood.
[143:59] And how I show up on that stage matters.
[144:02] And then the second stage I work on step
[144:03] onto is the stage of being a husband.
[144:05] Like my wife loves it when I make her
[144:07] the coffee, even though it's terrible,
[144:08] she likes it when I make it, right?
[144:10] And then
[144:12] there's something there. But then this
[144:13] then the next stage I walk into is I
[144:15] walk into the studio and I'll step onto
[144:16] the stage as a teacher. I'm teaching
[144:18] people now.
[144:19] And in this life, you'll step onto many
[144:20] different stages playing many different
[144:22] roles.
[144:23] And if you learn how to communicate and
[144:24] play your instrument, you can show up as
[144:25] your best. And then I call them
[144:26] luminary. Why? Double-meaning word. Part
[144:29] of it means actor or actress, but it's
[144:30] not about that. It's about you're a
[144:32] source of light.
[144:33] So, when you learn how to use your
[144:34] instrument and you show up on stage on
[144:36] the with the role that you're playing,
[144:38] play songs of love, kindness, and
[144:40] compassion.
[144:42] Play songs that spread goodness.
[144:46] Right? If you feel good while you're
[144:47] listening to this, because of the way
[144:49] potentially I played my instrument. And
[144:50] I hope that you'll
[144:52] step onto your stage in the role that
[144:54] you're currently playing and play with
[144:55] your instrument as a luminary to spread
[144:57] more love, kindness, and compassion.
[145:00] Amen. Yeah.
[145:02] Thank you. Thank you.
[145:04] The hardest conversations are often the
[145:06] ones we avoid. But what if you had the
[145:08] right question to start them with? Every
[145:11] single guest on the Diary of a CEO has
[145:12] left behind a question in this diary.
[145:15] And it's a question designed to
[145:16] challenge, to connect, and to go deeper
[145:19] with the next guest. And these are all
[145:20] the questions that I have here in my
[145:22] hand.
[145:23] On one side, you've got the question
[145:25] that was asked, the name of the person
[145:27] who wrote it. And on the other side, if
[145:29] you scan that, you can watch the person
[145:32] who came after who answered it. 51
[145:34] questions split across three different
[145:36] levels, the warm-up level, the open-up
[145:38] level, and the deep level. So, you
[145:40] decide how deep the conversation goes.
[145:42] And people play these conversation cards
[145:44] in boardrooms at work, in bedrooms,
[145:46] alone at night, and on first dates, and
[145:49] everywhere in between. I'll put a link
[145:51] to the conversation cards in the
[145:52] description below, and you can get yours
[145:54] at thediary.com.
[145:56] This has always blown my mind a little
[145:58] bit. 53% of you that listen to this show
[146:00] regularly haven't yet subscribed to this
[146:02] show. So, could I ask you for a favor?
[146:04] If you like this show and you like what
[146:05] we do here and you want to support us,
[146:07] the free, simple way that you can do
[146:08] just that is by hitting the subscribe
[146:10] button. And my commitment to you is if
[146:12] you do that, then I'll do everything in
[146:13] my power, me and my team, to make sure
[146:15] that this show is better for you every
[146:17] single week. We'll listen to your
[146:18] feedback, we'll find the guests that you
[146:20] want me to speak to, and we'll continue
[146:22] to do what we do. Thank you so much.
