Galloway, Ury Detail Economic and Social Forces Isolating Young Men

The Diary Of A CEO

The economic stagnation of young men and digital isolation are fueling widespread romantic rejection, demographic collapse, and mental health crises.

AI-assisted summary of Young Men Are (Quietly) Giving Up...Here’s Why! — original source. Check the original for full context.

Source published: 2025-03-31

Detailed notes

## Background Published on YouTube on March 31, 2025, by The Diary Of A CEO, host Steven Bartlett sits down with expert guests Scott Galloway and Logan Ury for an emergency discussion on the recently published 'Lost Boys Report'. The episode explores whether society is failing young boys and why young men are quietly giving up, addressing themes of masculinity, dating dynamics, mental health, and social disengagement.

## TL;DR The panel examines the multi-faceted crisis facing young men today, spanning economic disengagement, loneliness, and changing dating expectations. Scott Galloway and Logan Ury break down how modern technology, porn overconsumption, hypergamy on dating apps, and the absence of clear male role models contribute to widespread social withdrawal and mental health struggles. They discuss the critical need to redefine modern masculinity through the core pillars of provider, protector, and procreator while proposing actionable solutions like men's peer groups, physical fitness, and real-world exposure to rejection. Ultimately, the conversation offers practical advice for parents, young men, and society to help restore purpose, connection, and emotional resilience in the next generation.

## Atmosphere & style The discussion carries an urgent, deeply empathetic, and serious tone appropriate for an emergency episode, balancing stark statistical realities with highly personal vulnerability. Steven Bartlett creates a grounded, conversational space where Scott Galloway's candid, pragmatic grit complements Logan Ury's insightful, compassionate behavioral analysis. Listeners experience a poignant emotional arc that moves from alarming cultural diagnoses and raw disclosures of male isolation to grounded, hopeful blueprints for self-improvement and genuine human connection.

## Key takeaways - [31:42](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=1902s) Women's preference for hypergamy and high standards on dating apps (such as 50% filtering for men 6'0" or taller) creates a severe dating bottleneck for average men. - [34:32](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=2072s) One in seven young men in the UK is currently classed as NEET (Not in Employment, Education, or Training), leading to increased disengagement, loneliness, and vulnerability to extremist echo chambers. - [41:12](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=2472s) Young women expect high emotional intelligence from partners, yet young men are rarely socialized with the vocabulary required to meet these expectations. - [50:10](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=3010s) Logan Ury and Scott Galloway advocate for an evolved definition of masculinity that balances decisive leadership and providing with deep emotional communication and peer support groups. - [01:13:01](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=4381s) Over 50% of young men aged 18 to 24 have never asked a woman out in person due to severe social anxiety and fear of public humiliation or online exposure. - [01:02:47](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=3767s) Modern single men increasingly turn to low-friction substitutes like unlimited pornography and AI companion apps, which robs them of real-world drive and resilience. - [01:07:51](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=4071s) Galloway outlines a structured framework for young men to audit excessive screen time and reallocate effort toward physical fitness, financial agency, and real-world social integration. - [01:37:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=5828s) Young men's sense of self-worth remains deeply tied to financial status, making financial failure a primary factor behind young male suicide rates. - [01:43:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6188s) Traditional expectations of masculinity require young men to excel across three core domains: Provider (financial drive), Protector (defending others), and Procreator (taking romantic risks). - [01:47:09](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6429s) Collapsing birth rates and declining marriage rates present major demographic and economic challenges across Western nations and East Asia. - [01:49:03](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6543s) Young men feel politically alienated, as modern political and cultural movements often frame traditional male traits negatively while neglecting male-specific issues. - [01:56:11](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6971s) Men account for three-quarters of suicides globally, often converting suppressed emotional vulnerability into anger or severe internal feelings of inadequacy. - [02:11:01](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=7861s) Life happiness typically follows a U-shaped curve, dropping significantly between ages 18 and 45 due to severe career, financial, and personal pressures.

## Detailed walkthrough ### [00:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=0s) Intro: The Crisis of the "Lost Boys"

Steven Bartlett opens the discussion by introducing a startling emergency conversation about the rising tide of lonely, addicted, and economically disengaged young men. Joined by behavioural scientist and Hinge dating coach Logan Ury alongside marketing professor Scott Galloway, the trio delves into recent data—specifically pointing to the March 2025 "Lost Boys Report" published by the Center for Social Justice (CSJ). The report outlines a sharp decline in male educational achievement, employment, and mental health, highlighting a staggering 40% increase in young men aged 16–24 who are not in education, employment, or training (NEET).

The panelists frame this decline not merely as an issue of online influencers like Andrew Tate, but as a deep structural crisis rooted in fatherlessness, changing workplace dynamics, and systemic educational mismatches. The episode sets out to explore why young men are struggling to find a clear path to adulthood and how society can address the widening gap between the modern dating market, economic demands, and male identity.

- The number of young men aged 16–24 who are not in education, employment, or training (NEET) has surged by **40%**. - Women who out-earn their male partners become **twice as likely to divorce**, driven by traditional dating preferences where women seek equal or higher economic status. - A listener named Jeffrey submitted a letter expressing a pervasive, life-long sentiment: "My entire life I have never felt like I was good enough, like I could never earn my place in society."

---

[02:03](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=123s) The Lost Boys Report & Guest Backgrounds

The conversation turns to the CSJ report's findings, which detail how young boys are falling behind across every major metric—from school performance to suicide rates and criminal justice involvement. Bartlett shares that the report’s dismal findings left the CEO of his own company in tears after reading the data. The panel introduces their backgrounds and why they are personally and professionally invested in addressing the issue. Logan Ury explains her role applying behavioral and relationship science to modern dating, highlighting the growing "mating gap" where available men no longer match the financial or emotional expectations of women. Scott Galloway details his transition from analyzing data for shareholder value to focusing on societal trends, pointing out that while the advancement of women is a massive victory, young men in Western markets have fallen further and faster than almost any other demographic.

- Andy Cook, CEO of the Center for Social Justice, emphasized that frontline workers (teachers, youth workers, parents) consistently report that "something is going on with our boys." - Galloway notes that his interest is personal as well: as a young man with few economic or romantic prospects, he believes that under today's technological and economic pressures, he easily could have become one of these negative statistics.

---

[06:02](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=362s) How Did This Happen? The Loss of Male Role Models

When discussing the root cause of young men’s decline, Scott Galloway points directly to the absence of male role models as the primary point of failure. Citing research by Richard Reeves of the American Institute for Boys and Men, Galloway notes that when boys lose a male presence at home or in school, their outcomes plummet far more dramatically than those of young girls. Boys without male role models face significantly higher rates of incarceration, criminal activity, and self-harm.

The discussion highlights the declining presence of male figures in everyday environments. In the education system, the proportion of male teachers has dropped steadily—down to roughly **24%** today compared to higher levels in past decades. Galloway argues that this creates an environment with fewer mentors and after-school sports coaches, as well as an implicit bias against typical male behavior in the classroom.

- The U.S. has the second highest rate of single-parent households globally, behind Sweden. - Boys are **twice as likely** as girls to be suspended from school on a behavior-adjusted basis for the exact same infraction; for Black boys, they are **five times as likely**. - Traditional vocational pathways—such as wood, auto, or metal shop—have largely been phased out of secondary schools in favor of computer science, leaving few middle-class pathways for the two-thirds of males who will not obtain a traditional liberal arts degree.

---

[09:58](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=598s) Educational Disparities & The "Dandelion vs. Orchid" Theory

Logan Ury and Scott Galloway compare the differing developmental timelines and resilience levels of young boys and girls. Girls consistently perform better in formal academic settings, representing **70% of high school valedictorians** in the U.S. and occupying a disproportionate share of the top 10% of graduating classes. Despite these differences in GPA and classroom outcomes, young men and women score identically on standardized tests like the SAT, suggesting that traditional school environments reward female-coded behaviors—such as sitting still, remaining organized, and being eager to please.

To explain why young men react more severely to adversity, Logan Ury brings up the psychological framework of "orchid vs. dandelion" children. While girls tend to act like dandelions—capable of surviving and adapting across various harsh conditions—boys act more like delicate orchids, requiring very specific environments, consistent guidance, and stability to thrive. As a result, structural disruption in childhood hits young boys disproportionately hard.

- In the UK, research shows that **70% of five-year-old girls** are developmentally ready to start school, whereas significantly fewer boys at that age possess the necessary readiness. - Biologically, girls' prefrontal cortex development runs approximately **18 months ahead** of boys', meaning an 18-year-old female high school student is effectively competing against the brain maturity of a 16.5-year-old male peer. - The panel discusses policy proposals like "red-shirting" boys—holding them back one year so they begin kindergarten at age six instead of five to allow their emotional and cognitive maturity to catch up with girls.

---

[10:27](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=627s) The Impact of Fatherless Homes

The group looks closer at the data surrounding father absence, emphasizing that the modern home environment has undergone a massive demographic shift over the last half-century. In the United States, **25% of children** now live without a biological, step, or adoptive father present—the highest rate of single-parent child-rearing in the world, with **92%** of those single-parent homes headed by mothers alone.

Galloway reflects on how split families often deprive fathers of what he calls "garbage time"—the unscheduled, mundane everyday moments like car rides or casual backyard play where spontaneous connection, mentorship, and deep emotional bonding naturally happen. Without this ongoing daily presence, young men lose access to organic male guidance, leaving them far more susceptible to mental health challenges and risk-taking behaviors.

- In 1968, only **11% of children** lived in mother-only households, compared to **21% in 2020** (and 25% overall living without a father present today). - Children raised in father-absent homes are **300% (3x) more likely** to carry guns, deal drugs, or carry illegal drugs compared to those from two-parent households. - Studies demonstrate that the complete absence of a father directly increases depressive symptoms in young boys, whereas young girls in the same situation show far higher emotional resilience and significantly lower rates of depressive symptoms.

[015:42] Are Boys Mentally Weaker and Less Resilient?

The discussion opens with a stark and distressing statistic: a boy who is sexually molested is six to ten times more likely to take his own life later in life compared to non-abused peers. Scott Galloway notes that, emotionally and mentally, young boys often prove less resilient than girls when facing extreme trauma. Reflecting on why this subject remains so heavily veiled in stigma, Steven Bartlett shares a poignant personal memory from his appearance on Lewis Howes' podcast. Howes casually and openly revealed that he had been sexually abused as a child—a revelation that deeply stunned Steven. Decades ago, social incentives forced male victims to suffer in silence, as society routinely blamed the victim or viewed the abuse as a stroke against their manhood. It was only after experiencing severe dysfunctions in his personal relationships later in life that Howes felt ready to speak publicly, exemplifying how long men carry unaddressed childhood trauma.

``` ┌─────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ MALE CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE TRAUMA │ └────────────────────┬────────────────────┘ │ ┌─────────────┴─────────────┐ ▼ ▼ ┌─────────────────────────┐ ┌─────────────────────────┐ │ 6x to 10x Higher Rate │ │ Historical Stigma & │ │ of Suicide in Life │ │ Suppressed Disclosures │ └─────────────────────────┘ └─────────────────────────┘ ```

Steven then shares an email from an anonymous primary and preschool teacher in Germany, who describes a alarming trend she observes every single year: an increasing number of young boys—and almost exclusively boys—entering the classroom with an aggressive energy that disrupts and destroys classroom dynamics. According to her experience, these troubled boys almost always share two distinct traits: a complete lack of firm boundaries at home, and unsupervised, unlimited access to internet content, including hardcore pornography. This combination utterly warps their perception of acceptable behavior, making early education an escalating battlefield for educators.

- A boy who experiences childhood sexual abuse is 6x to 10x more likely to commit suicide later in life. - Male victims historically hid abuse due to severe social stigma, fear of being blamed, and threats to their perceived masculinity. - German early-childhood educators report a growing cohort of young boys exhibiting disruptive, aggressive behavior driven by absent home boundaries and early exposure to online pornography.

---

[017:29] Is the Education System Built Against Boys?

Addressing the classroom crisis, the group debates whether standard schooling environments are fundamentally misaligned with male biology. Scott compares young boys directly to energetic dogs, remarking that "a happy dog is a tired dog." If a boy is not physically exhausted through active exercise, he will inevitably cause trouble. In single-sex male schools, administrators frequently combat this by doubling recess time, integrating roughhousing, and encouraging high-energy physical play. By contrast, co-educational and traditional modern classrooms demand that young children sit still for hours listening to lectures—a structure that deprives boys of required physical outlets and penalizes their natural energy.

``` ┌─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ BOYS IN MODERN SCHOOLING │ ├────────────────────────────────┬────────────────────────────────┤ │ Traditional / Co-Ed Model │ Single-Sex / Adapted Model │ ├────────────────────────────────┼────────────────────────────────┤ │ • Sedentary lecture format │ • Doubled recess & physical play│ │ • Zero physical outlets │ • Energy burned through motion │ │ • High risk of outbursts │ • Reduced behavioral friction │ └────────────────────────────────┴────────────────────────────────┘ ```

Beyond physical outlets, the panel highlights the critical necessity of a father figure or strong male authority in a boy's upbringing. Scott explains that while mothers provide foundational nurturing, young boys naturally test boundaries continuously and eventually "tune out" their mothers over time. There are moments when a mother needs a male presence to step in—whether due to physical size, tone of voice, or a distinct relational dynamic—to maintain structure. When boys lack this male boundary and simultaneously indulge in constant screen time—squeezing a "dopamine bag a hundred times a day"—removing the device triggers severe emotional meltdowns that mothers single-handedly struggle to contain.

- Single-sex male schools often provide double the recess time of standard co-ed schools to channel male physical energy. - Constant digital stimulation creates heavy dopamine dependence; abruptly removing screens triggers severe emotional outbursts in boys lacking behavioral boundaries. - Young boys naturally test boundaries repeatedly and often tune out female authority figures if no physical or firm male presence reinforces limits.

---

[020:09] Where Have All the Male Role Models Gone?

The panel confronts the societal hesitation surrounding male mentorship, noting how modern cultural shifts have alienated men from stepping into mentor roles. Years ago, suggesting that fathers or male role models play a unique, irreplaceable role in a boy's life was dismissed by critics as inherently sexist toward single mothers. Scott recalls his own childhood, raised by a single immigrant mother who worked as a secretary. When his father moved away for work, his mother proactively involved other trustworthy men in his life—including a stockbroker neighbor who took him horseback riding and community leaders who led camping trips. In today's climate, however, many men feel immense reticence and hesitation to mentor or interact with young boys who are not their own children, terrified of being falsely viewed with suspicion or accused of inappropriate motives.

``` TRADITIONAL COMMUNITY MENTORSHIP MODERN RETICENCE & ABSENCE ┌─────────────────────────────────────┐ ┌─────────────────────────────────────┐ │ • Neighborly support & guidance │ │ • Fear of suspicion or false claims │ │ • Active Scouting & youth groups │ │ • Co-ed restructuring of male spaces│ │ • Male teachers across K-12 │ │ • 72% female middle school teachers │ └─────────────────────────────────────┘ └─────────────────────────────────────┘ │ ▼ ┌─────────────────────────────────────┐ │ First male authority figure for │ │ millions of boys: A PRISON GUARD │ └─────────────────────────────────────┘ ```

This loss of male guidance is heavily compounded inside the school system. Statistics reveal that **72% of middle school teachers are women**, and there are currently more female fighter pilots per capita in the United States than male kindergarten teachers. Male-focused institutions have also shifted; Boy Scouts was restructured into Scouts BSA to include girls, while Girl Scouts remained an exclusively single-sex organization for young women. As after-school programs are shuttered and fathers remain absent, the consequences are stark: for millions of young boys in under-resourced American communities, the very first adult male role model they ever encounter in person is a prison guard.

- 72% of middle school teachers in the United States are female. - There are more female fighter pilots per capita in the U.S. than there are male kindergarten teachers. - Boy Scouts converted to Scouts BSA (co-ed), whereas Girl Scouts maintained its single-sex status for girls. - Millions of American boys grow up without any consistent male role models at home or in school until interacting with law enforcement or prison guards.

---

[022:39] Winner-Take-All Economics and the Abandoned 90%

Expanding beyond social dynamics, Scott connects the male crisis to structural shifts in modern economics, where globalization and technological outsourcing have dismantled traditional blue-collar pathways to the middle class. Economic and educational policies in the U.S. and UK have increasingly morphed into a "winner-take-all" framework designed entirely to reward the top 1% or 10% of "remarkable" individuals while ignoring the remaining 90%. Scott illustrates this shift using UCLA's admissions history: when he applied decades ago as an "unremarkable" student from a single-parent home, the university had an **acceptance rate of 76%**. Today, UCLA's acceptance rate has plummeted to just **9%**, reflecting a system that prioritizes elite super-classes over average kids who need an engine for upward mobility.

``` UCLA ACCEPTANCE RATE SHIFT

76% ┌─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ │ │ (Historical: Engine for middle-class mobility) │ └─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ 9% ████ (Modern: Highly elite, winner-take-all selection) ```

This systemic inequality spills over into health and marital outcomes. While the top 10% of income earners enjoy the best healthcare and strongest marriages in human history, the bottom tiers face declining health standards and collapsing marriage rates. Marriage has effectively transformed into a luxury good reserved for the affluent: * In the **top quintile** of household income, **75% of adults get married**. * In the **bottom quintile**, that figure drops precipitously to **25%**. * For men in the lowest income quintile, there is only a **1 in 4 chance** of ever marrying.

Because married individuals consistently demonstrate higher wealth accumulation, better physical health, longer life expectancies, and lower rates of child poverty, the collapse of marriage among lower-earning men creates severe, compounding societal instability.

- UCLA acceptance rates fell from **76%** in Scott Galloway's youth to **9%** today. - 75% of adults in the top income quintile get married, compared to just 25% in the bottom income quintile. - Men in the lowest income bracket have only a 25% chance of ever getting married. - Declining marriage rates amongst low earners amplify societal wealth gaps, health disparities, and child poverty rates.

---

[026:21] The Reverse Gender Pay Gap and the Dating Crisis

Steven brings out a striking chart detailing the "reverse gender pay gap," pointing out that young women aged 16 to 24 in full-time employment now out-earn young men by roughly **10%**, while young men face nearly **double the unemployment rate** of young women. Logan Ury acknowledges the shift but clarifies that this dynamic typically fractures around age 30, when women bear children and hit a systemic "career meteorite" due to inadequate corporate support. However, this economic flip creates immediate structural friction in modern dating due to the persistence of *hypergamy*—the historical evolutionary tendency for women to seek partners of equal or higher economic and social status.

``` THE MODERN MATING GAP

HIGH-PERFORMING WOMEN AVAILABLE MALE PARTNERS ┌───────────────────────────┐ ┌───────────────────────────┐ │ • Higher higher-ed rates │ │ • Falling behind in school│ │ • Rising urban earnings │ MISMATCH │ • Lower labor participation│ │ • Higher EQ & self-work │ ───────────► │ • Raised solely to provide│ └───────────────────────────┘ └───────────────────────────┘ ```

This divide creates what Logan terms a massive "mating gap." Higher-earning, educated, and emotionally attuned women find a rapidly shrinking pool of viable male partners. Higher education trends accentuate the problem: **60% of current college enrollment is female**, and projections indicate that soon, for every two women who graduate college, only one man will. Consequently, half of college-educated women will not find a college-educated male partner. As Logan emphasizes, women are now demanding high emotional intelligence (EQ)—the new currency in dating—from men who were historically socialized strictly to be economic providers. Unprepared to deliver on emotional attunement and struggling economically, men are left behind.

- Young women aged 16 to 24 in full-time employment make 10% more than their male peers, while young men face nearly double the unemployment rate. - Women represent 60% of current college enrollments; projections indicate a 2:1 female-to-male graduation ratio in the near future. - Two-thirds of divorces can be reverse-engineered to a man making less money or losing his job; when a wife out-earns her husband, the couple becomes twice as likely to divorce and the husband is three times as likely to use erectile dysfunction medication. - 75% of women cite economic viability as a mandatory criteria in a long-term partner, compared to only 25% of men. - The "high heels effect" (popularized by Chris Williamson) shows that over 50% of women explicitly refuse to date a man shorter than themselves, with real-world behavioral figures likely closer to 80%.

---

[31:42](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=1902s) Hypergamy, Height Filters, and the Modern Dating Bottleneck

Scott Galloway and Logan Ury address the growing structural disconnect in modern dating, examining how evolutionary dynamics interact with digital platforms. Galloway points out that women naturally seek partners who offer physical or metaphorical protection—a metric where "women metaphorically are getting taller every year." Because women traditionally date horizontally or upward socially and economically, while men date horizontally or downward, a shrinking pool of high-status men creates a sharp bottleneck. This dynamics leads to a phenomenon where top-tier men engage in "Porsched polygamy"—enjoying endless casual options without incentive to settle down—while the bottom half of men are effectively shut out of the mating market altogether.

Steven Bartlett outlines a prevalent dynamic on dating apps: a woman might have casual encounters with a high-status man, leading her to calibrate her relationship expectations to that tier. When that man declines a long-term commitment, lower-tier suitors are dismissed as outside her "weight class." Ury contextualizes this with real-world economic data: while young women out-earn young men in specific urban centers like New York and Washington, D.C., broader projections show a shrinking pool of traditional hypergamous mates across the board. The result is intense competition among women for a handful of top-tier men, while large numbers of men are completely overlooked.

``` +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | THE MODERN DATING DISCONNECT | +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | Top 10% Men --> Engage in "Porsched polygamy"; disincentivized from | | long-term commitment due to abundant options. | | | | High-Status Women --> Compete for a shrinking pool of hypergamous mates; | | unwilling to adjust expectations downward. | | | | Bottom 50% Men --> Shut out of the mating pool; increasingly retreat | | to online echo chambers and red-pill content. | +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------+ ```

- **Hypergamy vs. Assortative Mating:** While assortative mating drives people toward partners of similar self-perceived attractiveness, hypergamy leads women to prioritize men who match or exceed their social and educational status. - **The Height Barrier:** On apps like Hinge, strict user filters exacerbate the issue. Over 50% of U.S. women set their height filter to 6'0" or taller, yet only 14% of American men meet that threshold, filtering out 86% of the dating pool automatically. - **The "Short King" Advantage:** Ury notes from her personal life and coaching practice that rigid height parameters cause women to miss out on exceptional long-term partners, sharing that she is happily married to a "short king."

---

[34:32](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=2072s) The Rise of Disengaged Men and Online Extremism

When young men are repeatedly excluded from traditional romantic and social milestones, they retreat into digital spaces—ranging from pornography to red-pill online forums. Ury notes that this disengagement aligns with broader economic dropouts, referencing data showing that 1 in 7 young men in the UK is currently classed as NEET (Not in Employment, Education, or Training). Without healthy real-world outlets, these young men gravitate toward polarizing online figures like Andrew Tate to find surrogate father figures and validation.

``` THE DISENGAGEMENT CYCLE

[ Exclusion from ] [ Digital Retreat ] [ Radicalization ] [ Dating/Economy ] ---> [ Porn, Reddit, ] ---> [ Red-Pill Echo ] [ Online Forums ] [ Chambers/Tate ] ```

Galloway highlights the harsh realities faced by average men on dating apps like Tinder, where an average-looking man must swipe right roughly 200 times to secure a single coffee date—only for four out of five of those dates to flake or ghost. This translates to an exhausting 1,000 right swipes just to land a single face-to-face meeting. This constant friction fosters deep feelings of rejection, making young men vulnerable to misogynistic and nationalistic narratives that blame outside forces for their lack of romantic and economic opportunity.

- **The Risk of Isolation:** Galloway warns of an emerging class of "asexual, asocial males." Men who have not lived with a partner or married by age 30 face a 1-in-3 chance of developing a substance abuse problem. - **Historical Social Anchors:** Historically, institutions like churches, temples, local workplaces, and higher education provided structured environments where men could demonstrate excellence, character, and humor over time. - **The Winner-Take-Most Market:** Online dating has digitized romance into a friction-free market, creating an environment that heavily favors top-tier, wealthy, or tall men while worsening outcomes for average men and complicating dating for women.

---

[41:12](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=2472s) Political Divergence and the Emotional Paradox

The divide between young men and women extends beyond dating app mechanics into political and ideological polarization. Research demonstrates that young women are now, on average, 30% more liberal than their male peers. Additionally, for the first time in history, young men are attending church at higher rates than young women. Despite both genders feeling misunderstood, a survey on relationship dynamics revealed that while 42% of respondents believe power is shared equally, 46% of men feel women hold more power, and 46% of women feel men hold more power.

Ury outlines key paradoxes shaping modern relationships, particularly around emotional expression and societal expectations:

1. **The Skill Deficit Paradox:** As women achieve financial independence, they expect partners to provide high-level emotional support. However, men are rarely raised with the emotional vocabulary or skills to meet this demand. As dating coach David noted to Ury, "women are in graduate school when it comes to emotional conversations and guys are in third grade." 2. **The Vulnerability Trap:** Women frequently ask men to open up, but may struggle when faced with raw male vulnerability. Quoting Brené Brown, Ury notes: "We beg guys to open up... and then when they do, we can't stomach it." Galloway reinforces this with a poignant quote from his research: "A woman would rather see me die on the White Horse than fall off of it." 3. **Double Standards in Emotional Labor:** While women expect empathy for their own journeys, they are sometimes unprepared to process a partner's deep emotional trauma, leading to mixed signals for men trying to navigate modern masculinity.

> "A woman would rather see me die on the White Horse than fall off of it."

- **Consumer Dissonance in Dating:** Galloway draws a parallel to marketing principles, distinguishing between stated preferences and actual purchasing behavior. While women state a desire for sensitive, emotionally attuned partners, physical attraction often remains tied to traditional masculine traits like facial hair and physical presence. - **Unrealistic Screening Metrics:** Popular social media trends capture women demanding partners who earn over $100,000 and stand over 6 feet tall—a combination representing just 2.2% of the total U.S. male population.

---

[46:06](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=2766s) Pragmatic Dating Advice: The "Second Coffee" Rule

Addressing the practical side of romantic relationships, Galloway and Ury debate how men and women can navigate these structural hurdles. When coaching young men, Galloway focuses on self-improvement and actionable value, asking them directly: "Would you want to have sex with you?" He pushes men to assess their physical fitness, their long-term career plans, their personal confidence, and their ability to show kindness and excellence.

For women navigating the dating world, Galloway's primary piece of advice is simple: always go on a "second coffee." Unless a first date displays clear red flags, initial encounters rarely reveal a person's true depth or long-term potential.

``` THE "SECOND COFFEE" FRAMEWORK

Ury echoes this philosophy, pointing to a dedicated chapter in her book titled *"Make the Second Date the Default."* Drawing from her own marriage, she shares how her husband was a "slow burn"—someone who took time to open up and whom she might have overlooked had they only met on a single, high-pressure first date. By forcing a shift away from immediate spark-chasing, daters give deeper, high-value traits time to surface.

- **Stated vs. Revealed Preferences:** In Ury's research, both men and women cite "kindness and compassion" as the single most important trait they seek in a long-term partner, yet real-world dating app habits often prioritize superficial filters. - **The Expectation Gap:** Women frequently worry that dating an earner making less than them will result in carrying an unfair burden of house and child care without financial offset, keeping their status expectations high.

[47:43](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=2863s) What Women Want and the "Secret Weapon" for Men

Scott Galloway breaks down the core criteria women look for in a male partner, drawing on evolutionary psychology and personal observations. First and foremost, men must **signal resources**. While this does not require immediate luxury items like a Range Rover, it means showing a clear plan, discipline, ambition, and financial stability—such as being in school, holding down a good job, working out, or choosing to leave a party early to prepare for work the next morning. Second, women look for **intellect**, as smart decision-making historically ensured the survival of the tribe's offspring. Galloway notes that "the fastest way to communicate intellect is humor," jokingly offering his impression of a woman laughing hysterically before becoming intimate.

The third element—which Galloway calls a man's ultimate "secret weapon"—is **kindness**. Women want to observe how a man treats service staff, his parents, and strangers when there is no expectation of a reciprocal reward. This signals that he will remain supportive and compassionate when a partner is vulnerable or facing hardship.

- **Key Criteria Women Seek in Men:** 1. *Resource Signaling:* Demonstrating discipline, ambition, and financial trajectory. 2. *Intellect & Humor:* Showing smart decision-making through quick wit and comedic timing. 3. *Kindness:* Displaying basic manners, empathy, and respect without expecting anything in return.

---

[50:10](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=3010s) Redefining Masculinity and the Power of Peer Groups

Logan Ury argues that modern society desperately needs an "evolved" or "modern" definition of masculinity, as women do not want a feminine man, but rather a decisive provider who is also capable of deep emotional communication. To bridge this gap, Ury advocates for **men's groups**. She shares a personal example of a monthly group formed by her friend, world-class magician David Claven, alongside her husband and four or five other men. In their structured monthly meetings, each participant writes their two most pressing life struggles on Post-it notes. The group then forms a "council of peers" to listen, offer perspective, and hold members accountable.

Ury points out that men's groups offer a realistic alternative to individual therapy, which is often prohibitively expensive or gated behind long insurance waitlists. She highlights how these peer councils allow men to safely process hidden emotions—such as her friend David working through unconscious anger regarding his mother's debilitating illness, or her husband discussing work egos and the overwhelming transition to parenthood. Galloway agrees, highlighting initiatives like *ManTalks*, though he notes that society historically held reservations about men-only spaces due to fear of extremist gatherings or toxic male echo chambers.

- **Structure of a Peer Men's Group:** * Monthly meetings with 6 to 7 trusted male peers. * Writing down top concerns on Post-it notes to force self-reflection. * Structured rotation to focus on whoever has the most urgent issue. * Consistent accountability checks on progress month after month.

---

[54:46](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=3286s) Commercial Break: Shopify

Steven Bartlett pauses the conversation for a sponsor message from **Shopify**. He emphasizes that the biggest cost in business is not failure, but the time lost to indecision and overthinking. Reflecting on starting his first company at age 20 with no money or experience, Bartlett explains how Shopify streamlines the process for new entrepreneurs by managing customizable website templates, multi-channel sales, payment processing, shipping, and taxes.

---

[55:40](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=3340s) Emotional Openness vs. Banter in Male Friendships

Steven Bartlett reflects on how young men typically communicate within their social circles. In most male friend groups, interaction defaults to aggressive banter, roasting, and "trying to kill each other in the most funny way," which serves as a covert mechanism for showing affection. However, Bartlett notes that in his own WhatsApp group chat, the tone instantly shifts to deep emotional support whenever a friend faces genuine hardship—such as a recent complication in a friend's pregnancy.

Ury observes that while Bartlett's group is unusually emotionally mature, most men struggle to balance humor with vulnerability. She reveals that in her husband's men's group, the members explicitly had to practice being *less* funny because quick jokes were being used as a defense mechanism to deflect away from deep emotional topics.

``` [Banter / Roasting] <---> [Humor Deflection] <---> [Deep Emotional Vulnerability] (Default male love language) (Prevents deep conversations) (Requires intentional effort) ```

From an evolutionary standpoint, Ury notes that men historically held conversations side-by-side—such as sitting around a campfire or hunting on the savannah—which explains why men often feel more comfortable talking in the car or during shared activities rather than in eye-to-eye setups. Furthermore, traditional community structures like church groups, veterans' associations, or civic clubs (like The Elks) have rapidly declined, leaving young men isolated on platforms like TikTok, Twitch, and video games instead of spending face-to-face time with friends.

---

[58:33](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=3513s) Romantic Partners as "Guardrails" and the Dating Deficit

Scott Galloway admits that while male friend groups show empathy when tragedy strikes (such as a death or divorce), men rarely proactively confess feelings of loneliness, clinical depression, anger, or erectile dysfunction due to an innate fear of showing weakness. Instead, Galloway argues that for a young man in his 20s, a **girlfriend** often acts as his primary "board of directors" and essential life guardrail. He shares a candid story from his own youth: when he was 24, his girlfriend told him that if he didn't stop getting high every night, she would stop having sex with him—a wake-up call that radically altered his motivation and lifestyle choices.

Galloway highlights a stark demographic anomaly: only **1 in 3 men** in America under the age of 30 currently has a girlfriend, whereas **2 in 3 women** under 30 have a boyfriend. This mismatch occurs because young women are increasingly dating older, more economically and emotionally stable men. Without the stabilizing influence or prospect of a romantic partner, men tend to suffer far worse behavioral, social, and psychological outcomes than single women, often retreating into pornography, Reddit, and video games.

Ury echoes this concern, adding that historical data shows three-quarters of Baby Boomers and Gen X men were in relationships during their teenage years, compared to **under 50%** today. Missing out on early romantic experience prevents young men from developing key relational skills, creating a widening structural gap that turns into a major red flag by age 30.

- **Key Statistics on Young Relationships:** * **1 in 3** American men under 30 has a romantic partner, compared to **2 in 3** women under 30. * **<50%** of current teenagers engage in romantic relationships, down from **75%** in previous generations (Baby Boomers & Gen X). * Men lacking romantic guardrails are significantly more prone to social withdrawal, gaming addiction, and pornography overconsumption.

[01:02:47](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=3767s) The Dangers of Porn and the Replacement of Human Connection

The discussion turns toward pornography and how algorithmically driven technology is altering human behavior. Scott Galloway reflects on his college days at UCLA, where he graduated with a 2.27 GPA. He notes that a massive driver for him to physically go onto campus, socialize, and care about his appearance was the genuine desire to meet potential romantic partners. He warns that unlimited, frictionless, on-demand pornography robs young men of this fundamental "mojo"—the driving fire to build perseverance, endure rejection, dress well, and excel in the real world. Instead, giant technology companies are convincing youth that a digital facsimile of life is a sufficient substitute for real-world risks and rewards.

``` ┌─────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ Frictionless, On-Demand Porn & AI Tech │ └────────────────────┬────────────────────┘ │ ┌──────────────────────────┴──────────────────────────┐ ▼ ▼ ┌───────────────────────┐ ┌───────────────────────┐ │ Erodes "Mojo" & Drive │ │ Replaces Human Bonds │ │ Reduces willingness │ │ Perfect AI companions │ │ to endure rejection │ │ avoid real-world friction │ └───────────────────────┘ └───────────────────────┘ ```

Logan Ury shares a personal perspective, revealing that her very first job out of Harvard was managing the "porn pod" at Google, selling advertising to porn companies—a team that no longer exists. Reflecting on that role, she questions what kind of societal disconnection she was inadvertently helping to perpetuate. She cautions that as artificial intelligence advances, the problem will intensify. Apps like Replika are already marketing "perfect AI boyfriends" that offer endless validation without any of the messiness or friction of real-life relationships. When combined with emerging sex robotics and high-definition pornography, young people may opt out of real-world relationships entirely, triggering severe consequences for future birth rates, social cohesion, and the broader economy.

* "We're taking young men's mojo away with frictionless, open-access, on-demand porn." — Scott Galloway * "Show me a guy who's good in a bar, I'll show you a guy who'll probably be good in a boardroom." — Scott Galloway

---

[01:06:41](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=4001s) Rejection Resilience and Risk-Taking

The conversation shifts to a broader cultural deficit among Gen Z: a critical lack of rejection resilience. Scott points out that the social and communication skills required to navigate the dating market—reading the room, keeping a sense of humor, and handling non-selection—are identical to the foundational skills needed to succeed in business and life. Logan reinforces this based on her extensive research with post-pandemic Gen Z daters in both the UK and the US. She recounts a conversation with a former dean and professor at Brown University who observed that while his office hours used to be empty, students now flood in demanding exact instructions on what will be tested because they are terrified of failing.

Logan also mentions feedback from managers at Google, who report young employees breaking down in tears over standard constructive feedback in Google Docs. Because young adults are not building up the emotional tolerance to fail in low-stakes environments, they refuse to take risks in high-stakes ones—whether in their careers or in love. She stresses that nothing in life worth having comes without taking risks, and finding love is not about passively waiting for a perfect partner, but becoming a great person who actively pursues what they want.

* **Viewer Submission:** Steven reads a message from a viewer who spent over $1,000 hiring women online just to talk to him out of crippling loneliness, followed by several thousand dollars more on other services, yet still felt entirely unfulfilled. * **Pornography Metrics:** Roughly 30% of total internet traffic is porn-related, with approximately 80% consumed by men and 20% by women. High pornography consumption directly correlates with elevated rates of depression.

---

[01:07:51](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=4071s) How Scott Helps Men Reclaim Their Lives

When Steven asks how an individual can realistically overcome loneliness and porn addiction when simply preaching "restraint" fails, Scott outlines the practical framework he uses when coaching young men. Recognizing that young men often have far more time than financial capital, he sits down with them, has them unlock their phones, and audits their screen time. They regularly find 8 to 12 hours (and sometimes up to 15 hours) spent aimlessly on platforms like TikTok each week. Scott then works with them to reallocate that time into three high-return investments:

``` ┌──────────────────────────────┐ │ Reallocated Screen Time │ │ (8–12 Hours/Week Audited) │ └──────────────┬───────────────┘ │ ┌───────────────────────────┼───────────────────────────┐ ▼ ▼ ▼ ┌─────────────────┐ ┌─────────────────┐ ┌─────────────────┐ │ 1. Physical │ │ 2. Financial │ │ 3. Social │ │ Fitness │ │ Drive │ │ Integration │ │ Lift weights 3x │ │ Start making │ │ Join group in │ │ a week, build │ │ money anywhere │ │ person 2x a │ │ strength/health │ │ to ignite drive │ │ week (church, │ └─────────────────┘ └─────────────────┘ │ sports, etc.) │ └─────────────────┘ ```

1. **Physical Fitness:** Working out with weights three times a week. Scott argues that young men under 30 should cultivate their physical strength, which boosts testosterone, mental health, confidence, and kindness. 2. **Financial Drive:** Earning money, no matter how small the starting point (gig work, TaskRabbit, trade certifications). Making a little money ignites the drive to figure out the economy and achieve financial autonomy. 3. **Social Integration:** Placing oneself in the company of strangers twice a week—whether through a church group, softball league, volunteer organization, or club.

As an additional tactical exercise (which Scott labels "3A"), he assigns young men the deliberate task of asking someone out for a coffee or a drink with the primary goal of receiving a "no." Celebrating rejection reframes failure, teaching them that being turned down is completely survivable and stripping away the fear that prevents them from trying.

* "No is the way to success. Show me someone who's successful, I'm going to show you a ton of 'no's." — Scott Galloway

---

[01:13:01](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=4381s) Approaching Women in a Post-#MeToo Era

Addressing the contemporary dating climate, Steven notes that young men face an intimidating barrier: fear of public humiliation. Videos frequently go viral on TikTok and X showing women secretly filming men who approach them in settings like the gym, framing simple interactions as creepy or inappropriate. Logan calls this the second major dating paradox: society still overwhelmingly expects men to take the initiative and approach, yet in a post-#MeToo environment, men feel deeply confused about where and how to do so safely.

Logan notes that while people frequently claim they want to meet organically in real life rather than on dating apps, fear of being labeled a creep or becoming content for "datertainment" holds them back. Scott quips that the line between "creepy" and "romantic" often comes down to the perceived physical attractiveness of the person making the approach. Despite popular trends like urban run clubs being touted as the new dating scene, Logan reveals that when she surveys people, almost no one is actually meeting their partners there; as of 2017, online platforms remain the dominant driver of new relationships.

* **App Market Dynamics:** Hinge sets up a date every two seconds globally, highlighting how heavily dating has migrated online.

---

[01:15:17](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=4517s) Teens and the Struggle to Ask Girls Out In Person

The panel addresses a startling statistic regarding young men's social development. According to data from the Pew Research Center, over 50% of young men between the ages of 18 and 24 have never asked a woman out in person. Scott expresses deep concern over this trend, noting that asking people out online deprives young men of the ability to showcase their real-life charm, humor, and presence.

To solve this, Scott advocates for two structural changes: creating more physical "third spaces" for organic social interaction, and introducing a mandatory high school senior class called "Adulting." Beyond teaching practical financial skills like credit card interest rates, this course would teach young men how to express romantic interest respectfully while ensuring the other person feels entirely safe and comfortable.

Closing out the discussion, Logan shares an story about a 16-year-old girl who built an AI chatbot called *Ask Ayla*—trained on relationship science research—to give teenagers safe dating advice. When Logan asked her what the single most common question from users was, the teenager revealed it was simply: *"How do I ask someone out?"*

* "More than 50% of men between the ages of 18 and 24 have never asked a woman out in person." — Scott Galloway * "It's not that teens in all of human history had the secret; it's that they were willing to do it and fail. Now we're just not seeing that." — Logan Ury

[01:17:18](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=4638s) Social Anxiety, Alcohol, and Risk-Taking in Gen Z

Logan Ury explains that young people who came of age during the pandemic suffered severe disruptions to their social development. Having missed critical milestones of becoming fully functional social beings, they now exhibit weakened interpersonal skills—a deficit visible both in modern workplaces and in personal relationships. Without the ability or confidence to approach potential partners in person, fewer relationships are forming.

Adding fuel to the conversation, Steven Bartlett proposes a provocative take: the decline of drinking among Gen Z is a major barrier to dating. Pointing to consumer spending data, he notes that while Millennials spent $30 billion on alcohol, Gen Z's spending has plunged to just $2 billion. He critiques public figures like Peter Attia and Andrew Huberman for "declaring war on drinking," arguing that going out and making a few bad decisions serves as a crucial social lubricant that breaks down initial awkwardness.

``` Millennial Alcohol Spending: $30 Billion Gen Z Alcohol Spending: $2 Billion ```

Logan counters that Gen Z's shift toward sobriety and "sober curiosity" stems from health concerns, fear of post-drinking anxiety, and financial caution. However, she acknowledges a broader trend of risk aversion in Gen Z. Young adults are delaying driving licenses, postponing sexual activity, and avoiding mistakes. She attributes this caution to a pervasive "surveillance culture," where omnipresent smartphone cameras create fear that any misstep will be permanently recorded and broadcast online.

* Gen Z is getting driver's licenses significantly later or skipping them entirely. * Virginity loss occurs at a much later average age compared to previous generations. * High-definition smartphone recording creates a chilling effect on spontaneous social behavior. * "Part of dating, part of mating, is making mistakes, taking risks, and failing." — Logan Ury

---

[01:20:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=4800s) Practical Advice for Men and the Clothing Closet Exercise

When Steven asks what concrete steps young men can take to enhance their dating appeal, Logan stresses that success requires simple but disciplined execution. Citing her friend Sam Parr (founder of *The Hustle* and co-host of *My First Million*), she explains how cultivating genuine passions—like deep-dive interests in raw denim or personal development—makes a person vastly more compelling. When Sam met his future wife, Sarah, he earned significantly less than she did, but she was drawn to his growth mindset and clear trajectory.

Logan dispels the belief held by many men that they must be six feet tall or wealthy to be attractive. Most women simply look for effort and consistency: remembering details like a best friend's name, sending a supportive text before a stressful meeting, or planning a thoughtful date. By failing to offer these fundamentals, men miss easy opportunities to stand out.

> "Women are not expecting you to fly them to the moon. They want effort... You can get much farther than you think and be better than 90% of men by doing some of these bare-minimum things."

To highlight self-awareness, Logan shares a diagnostic exercise from her book *How to Not Die Alone*:

1. **The Partner Test:** Imagine your partner as an item in your wardrobe. Scott Galloway describes his partner as a *Brunello Cucinelli cashmere V-neck sweater*—luxurious, flattering, and comforting. Logan envisions her husband as a *bright orange house robe*, representing warmth and family life. 2. **The Mirror Test:** Ask yourself, *"If you were a piece of clothing in your closet, what would you be?"*

Logan warns against "relation-shopping"—treating potential partners like disposable consumer electronics—and encourages individuals to focus on self-improvement rather than maintaining rigid checklists.

---

[01:25:11](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=5111s) Successful Women, Emasculation, and the Pitfalls of Choice

Transitioning to high-achieving demographics, Logan addresses the challenges faced by successful, high-earning women. Many of her female clients and newsletter readers (over 85,000 subscribers) report that men feel intimidated or emasculated by their financial independence. This dynamic has driven a rise in women choosing solo motherhood ("single mother by choice") after struggling to find suitable partners.

``` Logan Ury's Newsletter Reach: 85,000+ readers ```

Logan also notes the prevalence of polyamory, particularly in the San Francisco Bay Area. While open to non-traditional relationship structures—given that 50% of traditional marriages end in divorce—she observes an imbalance at dating events, where multiple high-value single women compete for a small pool of non-monogamous men.

Scott and Logan analyze how this dynamic affects high-status men. Although attractive, successful men enjoy abundant choices, this abundance often leads to "decision paralysis." These men frequently defer commitment into their 40s, failing to realize the opportunity costs of delaying marriage and family—namely, fewer years spent with their future children. However, Logan points out that after age 40, men face diminishing returns on dating apps, where women frequently set age filters, treating a history of long-term non-commitment as a red flag.

---

[01:28:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=5280s) Sponsor Break: Intuit & Perfect Ted

Steven introduces sponsor messages, highlighting career opportunities and lifestyle products:

* **Intuit:** Spotlighting their AI-driven platform (including TurboTax, CreditKarma, QuickBooks, and MailChimp) and hiring initiatives across global tech hubs like San Diego, the Bay Area, New York, Atlanta, and Toronto (`[intuit.com/careers](https://intuit.com/careers)`). * **Perfect Ted:** Discussing his 7-figure investment in ceremonial-grade Japanese matcha used by chains like Blank Street Coffee and Joe & The Juice. Listeners receive a 40% discount at `perfectted.com` using code **STEVEN40**.

---

[01:30:13](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=5413s) Modern Feminism and the Reality of "Having It All"

Steven brings up a controversial discussion from a previous podcast episode featuring a veteran child psychologist who argued that modern feminism has created unintended trade-offs for both men and women. The guest claimed that maternal physical presence during a child's first two years triggers key hormonal and developmental bonds, followed by distinct paternal play dynamics, and argued that society misleads women into believing they can seamlessly pursue an intense career and early motherhood simultaneously.

Scott addresses this tension by contrasting theoretical ideals with practical realities. Quoting his own maxim—"You can have it all, just not at the same time"—he shares a personal story about his partner working at Goldman Sachs while managing two infants. Waking up at 5:00 AM every day to balance corporate demands with mothering was intensely grueling. While supportive of career advancement and equality, he notes that double standards and biological timelines impose real-world constraints that abstract ideology cannot remove.

Here is a detailed, faithful walkthrough of the provided transcript section:

[01:31:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=5505s) Money, Identity, and Economic Reality for Men

Steven and Scott reflect on how tightly their sense of identity as men is bound to financial success. Steven shares an internal struggle while staying in Austin: although he is comfortable in a normal hotel, the moment his girlfriend of seven years prepares to join him, his immediate instinct is to upgrade to a luxury hotel or Airbnb. He notes that despite her being a yogi who works with breathwork and cares nothing for material items or designer brands, he still harbors an irrational, deeply ingrained fear that he must constantly demonstrate wealth and strength to keep her. Scott contends that Steven's feeling is actually grounded in common sense rather than irrationality. In a capitalist society, a family's healthcare, opportunities, and overall well-being are directly linked to money. Scott asserts that masculinity fundamentally boils down to three pillars: **provider, protector, and procreator**. Every young man should operate on the assumption that he has a responsibility to be economically viable—even if being supportive of a partner who makes more money becomes part of that equation.

Scott reminisces about growing up in the 1970s, remembering his grade school principal as a cool, handsome guy who taught karate, wore cool jackets, smelled of Aqua Velva, and drove a Datsun 240Z. In that era, a man could hold high social and sexual currency through character, style, and charisma on a modest salary. Today, however, Scott feels society has shifted entirely to being "all about the Benjamins." He argues that regardless of media articles claiming men just need to be emotionally available, a man's romantic options and standing in society remain almost perfectly correlated with his financial standing.

- Scott argues that while men are primarily turned on visually, women are turned on "with their ears," making economic independence essential. - Steven notes that growing up poor with his mother was far more traumatizing and humiliating than the absence of his father. - Scott points out the cultural cynicism of modern wealth: a high-character middle school principal used to have social status, but today, someone who made $10 million selling Dogecoin can secure sexual currency instantly. - Both agree that the pressure to be economically viable pushes young men toward get-rich-quick schemes out of fear of feeling worthless.

---

[01:37:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=5828s) The Impact of Financial Stigma on Male Mental Health

Logan weighs in on whether women tie their self-worth to money in the same way. She suggests that while women view money as security, the strict equation of money to personal identity and self-worth is vastly stronger in men. Steven illustrates this by sharing how his male group chats are constantly consumed with work and financial success. He recounts a friend who faced bankruptcy prior to starting a family; while his partner remained supportive, the friend became inconsolably depressed, explicitly telling Steven, "I've never felt more worthless."

Logan connects this personal story to research by Richard Reeves on young men. Reeves highlights that suicide is the leading cause of death for young men under 15, and the specific words most frequently found in male suicide notes are "worthless" and "useless." When men feel incapable of fulfilling the provider role, they feel cast to the margins of society and can end up opting out of life entirely.

- Financial hardship triggers intense existential crisis in men because societal utility is heavily measured by economic contribution. - Words like "worthless" and "useless" dominate the suicide notes of men who feel they have failed to achieve financial viability.

---

[01:39:41](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=5981s) A "Human Boot Camp": Posture, Manners, and Emotional Listening

Steven asks Logan and Scott what core skills they would teach in a "dating or human boot camp" for young men. Steven outlines his own curriculum: 1. **Comedy:** "The only thing that got me laid when I was broke was I was like slightly funny sometimes." 2. **Posture and Confidence:** Standing up straight, taking up space, and avoiding a shriveled posture (which going to the gym naturally helps correct). 3. **Male Manners:** Chivalrous behaviors like opening car doors, guiding a partner away from the street edge on pavements, or putting a protective hand out near traffic. Steven admits he enjoys these acts because they make him feel strong and masculine. 4. **Entrepreneurship & Fitness:** Building financial discipline and staying physically fit. 5. **Conflict Resolution & Deep Listening:** Learning how to process emotional conversations with a partner without becoming defensive.

Steven candidly admits that active listening during conflicts is entirely alien and uncomfortable for him. He shares a recent example where his girlfriend requested a dedicated 60-minute calendar block while he was traveling for work in Sweden. She spoke for 45 minutes about her feelings and subtle ways things could improve; Steven sat in silence, took notes, and repeated her points back to her. He explains that while male friendships function comfortably on shared silence, Pringles, and watching sports, romantic relationships require men to sit through uncomfortable, lengthy emotional check-ins.

- Steven emphasizes that posture directly correlates with dating success and self-confidence. - Practicing basic manners provides men with a tangible, positive reinforcement of their strength and protective role. - Active emotional listening—such as taking notes and reflecting back a partner's feelings during a 60-minute discussion—is a crucial, learned skill for men.

---

[01:43:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6188s) The Three Pillars: Provider, Protector, and Procreator

Scott expands on his model for young men, breaking down the expectations across three core domains:

* **Provider:** Men do not necessarily need to be ultra-wealthy, but they must demonstrate financial discipline, have a concrete plan, earn certifications, and avoid reckless behaviors like "ordering a bottle of Grey Goose at 2 in the morning." * **Protector:** A man’s default operational setting should be protection. This means speaking well of people behind their backs, defending those who are criticized, and protecting anyone smaller, younger, or more vulnerable. Scott notes how heartbreaking it is that women feel unsafe when walking past groups of men on the street, stressing that men must be taught to adopt the protective mindset of soldiers, firefighters, or police officers. * **Procreator:** Men should embrace their natural romantic drive and actively take risks to initiate contact. Scott shares a exercise he used with his own sons: they were not allowed back into the house after being out unless they initiated a conversation with a stranger or patted someone's dog.

Scott recounts the story of how he met the mother of his children at the Raleigh Hotel pool. Without the aid of alcohol, he took a risk in the middle of the day, walked up to her and her friends, and asked, "Where are you guys from?" Eighteen months later, their first son was born—given the middle name Raleigh after the hotel. He stresses that wanting a romantic partner and having the guts to introduce yourself in person is a healthy, purposeful drive that men should cultivate.

Logan concludes the discussion with a sobering reflection on society's current state. She finds it tragic that biological instincts like procreation now have to be actively taught to young men, attributing this decline to terrible diets, over-medication, excessive pornography, and technological isolation.

- Men must treat protection as their default setting toward vulnerable individuals and special interest groups. - Practical social drills, such as forcing young men to speak to strangers before returning home, build necessary social skills for real-world dating. - The breakdown of basic evolutionary drives is being accelerated by modern lifestyle factors like screen addiction, bad diets, and pornography.

[01:47:09](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6429s) The Demographic Collapse and Economic Risks

The conversation shifts toward the alarming global decline in birth rates, using South Korea as a stark warning sign. Based on a 0.7 total fertility rate, a cohort of 100 South Koreans of childbearing age will eventually produce just 12 grandchildren. Forty years ago, 60% of 30-year-olds in North America and Western nations had children, whereas today that figure has dropped to 27%. Logan Ury recounts sitting next to a woman on her flight to the recording who initially dismissed these concerns, asking why society should care when women are finally outperforming men for the first time in history. However, once Logan shared the stark statistics—such as marriage rates nearing historical lows and birth rates dropping 20% over the last two years—the passenger was stunned. People often mistakenly treat gender dynamics as a zero-sum game where a loss for men is a win for women, but the economic reality is that society as a whole is losing.

The structural impact of these demographic shifts threatens economic stability and national defense. Historically, 12 working-age individuals supported every senior citizen; today, that ratio has plummeted to three to one. South Korea is already replacing nursery schools with nursing homes, serving as the ultimate cautionary tale. By 2050, roughly 40% of South Korea's population will be senior citizens, and its labor force could shrink by half over the next 40 years. The Bank of Korea warns that the nation's economy could begin contracting within a decade. Furthermore, this demographic crash creates a severe national security crisis for countries relying on military conscription: South Korea's conscripted military strength could fall from 250,000 troops to just 125,000 by 2025.

* In South Korea, 100 people of childbearing age are on track to produce only 12 grandchildren. * Only 27% of 30-year-olds have a child today, down from 60% four decades ago. * The worker-to-retiree support ratio has fallen from 12:1 down to 3:1. * By 2050, approximately 40% of South Korea's population will consist of senior citizens. * South Korea's conscripted military is projected to drop from 250,000 troops to 125,000.

[01:49:03](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6543s) How the Political Left Is Alienating Young Men

Steven Bartlett raises the political dimension of the crisis, noting that young men have become increasingly right-leaning and conservative. Donald Trump's political resurgence highlighted how the political left has failed to offer a compelling or constructive vision of masculinity. On the right, masculinity is often conflated with "coarseness and cruelty," pointing to figures like Trump—who displays a lack of grace, empathy, and kindness—or Elon Musk, who at the time was being sued by two women for sole custody over claims of not seeing his children. Yet, on the left, the primary prescription for masculinity appears to be telling men to "act more like a woman," which fails to resonate with men's natural desires for agency, strength, and economic viability.

Scott Galloway criticizes the Democratic Party's heavy reliance on identity politics, recalling his experience at the Democratic National Convention where a parade of special interest groups were represented—except for young men. The DNC website explicitly highlights 16 special interest groups it serves, including Asian Pacific Islanders, seniors, the disabled, immigrants, and Black Americans, which collectively make up roughly 74% of the U.S. population. Scott argues that when a political apparatus explicitly claims to advocate for 74% of the country, it effectively discriminates against the remaining 26%—which consists primarily of young men. While historical redress was necessary (pointing out that 60 years ago, Princeton, Harvard, and Yale combined had only 12 Black students, whereas over 60% of Harvard's freshman class now identifies as non-white), pushing diversity initiatives to such extremes has alienated young men.

Scott rejects the popular progressive term "toxic masculinity," asserting that traits like violence or criminality represent a complete absence of masculinity rather than a form of it. True masculinity is about being a protector, provider, and procreator. By labeling physical strength, romantic initiation, or male ambition as inherently threat-oriented, the left created a cultural void that was promptly filled by thinly veiled misogyny. In the 2024 election, while Latinos shifted significantly toward the right, the next largest groups pivoting from blue to red were males under 30 and women aged 45 to 64. Scott notes that these women are the mothers of struggling young men—mothers who care far more about their sons' lost futures than international territorial disputes or identity politics.

[01:53:15](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6795s) Advice for Parents of Young Boys

For parents listening who feel helpless in the face of broader societal trends, Scott offers practical guidance on raising young boys. His first piece of advice to parents, particularly single mothers, is to "forgive yourself." During a boy's senior year of high school, a natural separation dynamic often causes friction between teens and their parents, but this does not mean the child has stopped loving them or will not figure things out. Beyond self-compassion, the most critical step parents can take is ensuring that active, positive adult men are involved in their sons' lives, whether through sports, community groups, or extended family.

Scott shares personal anecdotes about his own upbringing, recalling how his mother enrolled him in Boy Scouts and, when he was cut from his high school basketball and football teams, made sure to sign him up for the city league so he could keep playing sports alongside male role models. He recounts a recent lunch with a famous news anchor and her teenage son who were arguing heatedly. After asking the mother to step away, Scott looked the young man in the eye and reminded him that his mother was the only person in his life who wanted him to be more successful than she was, telling him directly: "You just got to cut this out. This woman is not your enemy." Reflecting on how he was an "asshole" to his own mother at that age, Scott emphasizes that young men need other men who can hold them accountable and offer firm direction, as research shows the primary point of failure for a young boy occurs when he loses male mentorship.

[01:56:11](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6971s) Redefining Masculinity: Surplus Value and Emotional Vulnerability

Logan asks Scott and Steven what lessons about manhood they learned growing up that they had to unlearn, and how those lessons shape how they raise their own children. Scott references scholar Richard Reeves, defining the core metric of manhood as achieving "surplus value." Manhood is not defined by a religious ceremony or sexual active status, but by reaching a point where an individual creates more value than they absorb—generating more tax revenue, registering more complaints from others than they express themselves, and protecting those around them. Scott admits that until about age 40, he approached relationships transactionally, reacting aggressively to minor slights (like speeding up when someone honked at him in traffic) and constantly evaluating whether he was getting more out of a situation than he was giving. True maturity meant realizing that a real man takes hits, extends grace, and leaves the world slightly in his debt by giving more kindness and support than he demands back.

Steven strongly resonates with the concept of surplus value, adding that being called "generous" was one of the greatest compliments he ever received. For Steven, the hardest thing to unlearn was the belief that expressing emotional struggle was a sign of weakness or emasculation. Because society expects men to be strong providers, many men feel unable to turn to their romantic partners or male friends when they are floundering. Steven vividly remembers the fear he felt at age 30 when he ran the "experiment" of telling his girlfriend he was struggling, doing so only because he felt he had reached a breaking point.

Steven reads aloud deeply moving letters sent into the show by young listeners illustrating this acute mental health crisis:

> "For me the biggest challenge that young men face today is I feel like I'm striving for meaning but I can't find it anywhere. I struggle to even sleep at night with some form of substance because my brain is constantly firing different scenarios at me that I'm failing in my life. When I am alone with my thoughts it's like having never-ending lesson about how useless I am and how I need to change everything in my life. And the hardest part is I can't even tell anybody this because I would feel weak." > — **Liam**

> "My entire life I've never felt like I was good enough, like I could never earn my place in society. And even though I think I've achieved some things by the age of 18, I still feel like deep inside I will never be enough and I'm still not enough and I can't tell anybody." > — **Jeffrey**

This profound isolation fuels catastrophic mental health outcomes, with men accounting for 75% of all suicides in the UK and worldwide, making suicide the leading cause of death for young men in 50 countries. To lighten the discussion while reinforcing the point, Logan mentions a recent stand-up special by comedian Kumail Nanjiani. In the final 20 minutes, Nanjiani addressed how the media mocked him for entering therapy after receiving bad movie reviews, using his platform to dismantle toxic internet criticism and advocate for men taking charge of their mental well-being.

* Men account for 75% of all suicides in the UK and worldwide. * Suicide remains the leading cause of death among young men in 50 countries.

[02:02:40](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=7360s) Emotional Expression and Emasculation in Therapy

Logan Ury shares a story about a friend who realized through therapy that he rarely allowed himself to feel sadness; instead, suppressed emotion translated directly into anger. He recalled managing a crisis over his father’s car accident with complete composure, only to lose his temper hours later over a missing Ninja Turtles T-shirt. For men, learning to recognize these underlying emotions is crucial not just for romantic relationships, but for personal well-being and basic survival.

Steven Bartlett reflects on his first therapy experience around age 31, noting how long he delayed it because seeking help felt emasculating. As a man, his default setting was to act as the self-reliant protector—putting a hand in front of his partner at a crosswalk or holding company operations together under intense pressure. Having run businesses since age 18, Steven developed an automatic mechanism of emotional numbness to handle extreme stress, like figuring out how to cover payroll for 170 employees on a Friday with zero funds in the account. When there are no healthy pressure valves for that stress, men often drift toward destructive coping outlets like gambling or pornography addictions.

---

* Men frequently convert unexpressed sadness into immediate anger because emotional vulnerability feels unsafe. * Entrepreneurs and corporate leaders condition themselves into extreme numbness to manage high-stakes crisis situations. * Alternative vices like gambling and porn often step in as default outlets when healthy emotional release valves are absent.

[02:05:02](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=7502s) The Crisis of Young Men, Economics, and the Empathy Deficit

Scott Galloway admits that reading the influx of emails from desperate young men has become emotionally overwhelming. He describes letters detailing grief over lost parents, isolation, opioid dependencies, and a profound inability to find purpose despite wanting to add value to society. Scott emphasizes that much of this crisis stems from economic and structural decay rather than purely personal failure.

To address this systemic decline, Scott advocates for tangible structural interventions: expanding vocational training programs, establishing national service to foster identity and connection, and creating more college seats and physical "third places." He points out that Israel records some of the lowest depression rates among young adults despite severe existential threats, largely due to the shared purpose and community forged during mandatory service in the Israel Defense Forces (IDF). Meanwhile, in the United States, male suicides account for roughly 77% to 80% of the total—a 4-to-1 ratio against women. Scott argues that if four out of five victims in any other demographic were dying by suicide, society would intervene with emergency policy measures. However, because historical economic prosperity was heavily concentrated among white males, today's 19-year-old men face a profound lack of social empathy and pay the price for past advantages.

``` +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | U.S. Male Suicide Crisis Metrics | +------------------------------------------------------+----------------------------+ | Share of Total U.S. Suicides | 77% to 80% | | Male-to-Female Suicide Ratio | 4 to 1 | | Primary Structural Causes Cited | Economic strain, lack of | | | purpose, absent third | | | places, policy oversight | +------------------------------------------------------+----------------------------+ ```

Fortunately, public dialogue is shifting. Leaders across political lines are beginning to recognize that society as a whole cannot thrive if young men are flailing. Scott notes that Wes Moore, the Democratic Governor of Maryland, explicitly declared supporting young men as a core priority of his administration—a bold position that was warmly received by the public. When Scott first brought up these issues four to five years ago, he faced intense pushback and accusations of misogyny, but the cultural conversation has transformed dramatically since then.

[02:07:51](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=7671s) Building Resources and a Positive Script for Modern Men

The speakers discuss the practical challenge of where to direct the thousands of distressed young men reaching out online. Distinguishing between standard adolescent angst and acute suicidal crisis is difficult, and Scott mentions occasionally sending struggling young men $500 out of pocket to cover their initial BetterHelp therapy sessions. He notes that podcasts have effectively replaced traditional institutions like church, serving as modern sermons delivered directly into listeners' airpods.

Steven, Scott, and Logan stress the necessity of curating healthy messages of modern masculinity to occupy the space currently dominated by toxic influencers. Men need a actionable "script" that integrates strength with constructive behavior—going to the gym, building financial stability, practicing kindness, and looking out for others.

---

* Podcasts currently function as the primary channel for moral and life guidance among young men in the absence of traditional institutions. * Building positive frameworks around physical fitness, financial agency, and community care prevents predatory online actors from filling the leadership vacuum.

[02:11:01](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=7861s) The Arc of Happiness, the Reality of Struggle, and the "SCAFA" Protocol

Scott Galloway shares his perspective on the broader arc of human happiness, describing it as a smile curve: life tends to be joyful from ages 0 to 18, hits its lowest and most stressful point between 18 and 45 due to economic strain, career pressure, and loss, and then climbs back up in later years. He urges young men not to equate baseline career struggles with total personal failure.

To illustrate this, Scott recalls the birth of his first child when he was 42 years old. Instead of feeling pure joy, he was overcome with intense shame and nausea in the delivery room because his tech business had failed during the Great Recession, leaving him with a net worth of negative $2 million. He felt he had completely failed as a provider before his son's life had even begun. Sharing that story publicly revealed that countless men experience similar crushing feelings of inadequacy during major life milestones.

To pull himself out of depressive spirals, Scott relies on an actionable recovery framework he calls **SCAFA**:

<Sequence> <Step subtitle="Physical OS Reset" title="Sweat"> Engage in intense physical exercise to clear stress hormones and reset the nervous system. </Step> <Step subtitle="Nutritional Stability" title="Clean Eating"> Focus on eating clean, whole foods at home to restore gut health and energy levels. </Step> <Step subtitle="Removing Chemical Interference" title="Abstinence"> Completely cut out substances like marijuana and alcohol to clear mental sensors and stabilize mood. </Step> <Step subtitle="Grounding Connections" title="Family"> Intentionally spend time around close family and children to restore a sense of core purpose. </Step> <Step subtitle="Non-Sexual Physical Touch" title="Affection"> Seek out simple physical closeness, whether cuddling with pets, sitting on the couch with family, or holding a partner. </Step> </Sequence>

[02:15:21](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=8121s) Fiction as a Tool for Empathy and Closing Remarks

Logan Ury introduces an underappreciated tool for men's emotional development: reading fiction. While most men gravitate strictly toward non-fiction business books to increase earning potential, reading fiction builds deep interpersonal empathy by forcing the reader inside another person's internal world for hundreds of pages. She suggests that men struggling to connect with women read novels written by women to gain genuine perspective on their experiences.

Scott agrees, recalling how reading John Irving novels like *The World According to Garp* and *The Cider House Rules* as a young man relieved his personal insecurities by showing him that everyone carries internal quirks and eccentricities.

Closing the discussion, Scott highlights his book, *Work in Progress: Notes on Becoming a Man*, which framing masculinity as an honorable personal code focused on responsibility and care. The panel ends with a shared call to uplift both men and women, rejecting zero-sum views of gender progress.

---

* Fiction acts as an empathy generator by allowing readers to experience the subjective life of another person for hundreds of pages. * Framing masculinity as an intentional personal code provides young men with purpose, discipline, and accountability.

[02:18:19](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=8299s) Book Releases and the Final Tradition

Scott Galloway mentions his upcoming book, which is not intended to strictly define masculinity for young men, but rather serves as a series of personal stories covering his failures, what he learned about trying to become a man, being a good father, and being a good partner. He notes it will be published in the fall. Steven Bartlett then highlights Logan Ury's book, *How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love*, asking what readers will discover in it. Logan explains that the book focuses on understanding the hidden blind spots that hold people back from finding love and creating an actionable plan to overcome them. Steven promises to link both of their books in the description and extends a huge thank you to the Centre for Social Justice for publishing the *Lost Boys Report*, which sparked a massive conversation across the UK and globally.

Steven then transitions into the podcast's signature closing tradition: asking the secret question left behind by the previous guest. He presents the prompt to both guests: "What are you most scared of?"

* **Scott Galloway's Upcoming Book**: A collection of stories detailing his failures and lessons on manhood, fatherhood, and partnership (releasing in the fall). * **Logan Ury's Book**: *How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love*. * **Research Citation**: The Centre for Social Justice (*Lost Boys Report*).

[02:19:23](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=8363s) Confronting Deepest Fears

Answering the tradition's question, Logan reveals that her single greatest fear is losing her husband. She shares that he recently survived a brush with death after battling very serious bone cancer. Reflecting on that trauma while he is out climbing while they have a one-year-old daughter, she admits that although the obvious answer might be something happening to her child, her primary terror is losing her husband.

Scott approaches the question from both a societal and personal lens. Societally, he fears an epidemic of loneliness where people believe they can fully disengage from life, driving anxiety, depression, and political polarization. Personally, Scott reveals a lifelong fear that his own selfish instincts will manifest in an ugly way, leaving him old and alone. He recounts how his 95-year-old father ended up essentially alone, and seeing some of those lower-character attributes in himself makes him terrified of "dying under bright lights, surrounded by strangers."

Steven resonates deeply with both answers. He shares that his immediate thought is something happening to his partner, whom he views as an angelic, perfect human being he could never replace. He also mirrors Scott’s personal fear—worrying that the temptations of life will lead him to make bad decisions, ultimate leading him to be an absent father, ending up "old, rich, and miserable."

[02:22:03](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=8523s) Expressing Gratitude and Impact

Steven takes a moment to express profound gratitude to Scott, calling him one of the leading voices in the fight for young men. Steven highlights how Scott stuck his neck out to address the topic long before it was socially acceptable, using eloquence, wisdom, and humor to engage both sides of the political spectrum. Steven credits Scott's massive reach—spanning hundreds of millions of views—with providing "cover" for others to speak out and enabling reports like the Centre for Social Justice's to exist in the first place. Although Scott modestly replies, "I think you're wrong, but I'll take it," Steven insists he is right.

Steven then turns to Logan, thanking her for lending her research-backed perspective and lived experience to a topic that often feels filled with societal "landmines." Logan steps in to echo the praise for Scott, sharing that whenever she discusses her interest in male advocacy, people immediately bring up Scott Galloway. Scott humbly attributes his best data to Richard Reeves, but Logan and Steven emphasize that Scott is uniquely gifted at translating data into persuasive narrative art that bridges political divides.

* **Data Attribution**: Scott credits researcher Richard Reeves for the foundational data regarding male dynamics and disparities.

[02:24:28](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=8668s) Conversation Cards and Closing Appeal

Steven wraps up the episode by introducing the *Diary Of A CEO Conversation Cards*, explaining that previous batches quickly sold out due to high demand from people using them with colleagues, friends, and family, or as journaling prompts. He details how he personally curated and ranked the questions left by past iconic guests into three levels of depth—level three being the deepest questions designed to build meaningful connections. The cards feature QR codes on the back that allow users to watch the video of the guest answering that exact question in real time.

Finally, Steven delivers a direct appeal to the audience, noting that 53% of regular listeners have not yet subscribed to the channel. He asks viewers for a simple, free favor: hit the subscribe button. In return, he commits that he and his team will work tirelessly to improve the show every week, listen to audience feedback, and continue booking requested guests.

## Notable quotes > [41:12](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=2472s) women are in graduate school when it comes to emotional conversations and guys are in third grade. — David

> [41:12](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=2472s) We beg guys to open up... and then when they do, we can't stomach it. — Brené Brown

> [41:12](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=2472s) A woman would rather see me die on the White Horse than fall off of it. — Scott Galloway

> [01:02:47](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=3767s) We're taking young men's mojo away with frictionless, open-access, on-demand porn. — Scott Galloway

> [01:07:51](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=4071s) No is the way to success. Show me someone who's successful, I'm going to show you a ton of 'no's. — Scott Galloway

> [01:15:17](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=4517s) More than 50% of men between the ages of 18 and 24 have never asked a woman out in person. — Scott Galloway

> [01:20:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=4800s) Women are not expecting you to fly them to the moon. They want effort... You can get much farther than you think and be better than 90% of men by doing some of these bare-minimum things. — Logan Ury

> [01:30:13](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=5413s) You can have it all, just not at the same time — Scott Galloway

> [01:37:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=5828s) I've never felt more worthless.

> [01:43:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6188s) The only thing that got me laid when I was broke was I was like slightly funny sometimes. — Steven Bartlett

> [01:56:11](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6971s) For me the biggest challenge that young men face today is I feel like I'm striving for meaning but I can't find it anywhere. I struggle to even sleep at night with some form of substance because my brain is constantly firing different scenarios at me that I'm failing in my life. When I am alone with my thoughts it's like having never-ending lesson about how useless I am and how I need to change everything in my life. And the hardest part is I can't even tell anybody this because I would feel weak. — Liam

> [01:56:11](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6971s) My entire life I've never felt like I was good enough, like I could never earn my place in society. And even though I think I've achieved some things by the age of 18, I still feel like deep inside I will never be enough and I'm still not enough and I can't tell anybody. — Jeffrey

## Mentioned Scott Galloway, Logan Ury, Steven Bartlett, Andrew Tate, David, Brené Brown, Hinge, Tinder, David Claven, ManTalks, Shopify, Sam Parr, Intuit, Perfect Ted, Richard Reeves, Ask Ayla, Replika, Google, Brown University, Pew Research Center, TikTok, X, The Hustle, My First Million, Blank Street Coffee, Joe & The Juice, Goldman Sachs, American Institute for Boys and Men, New York Stern School of Business, Centre for Social Justice, Lost Boys Report, Grey Goose, Raleigh Hotel, Bank of Korea, Donald Trump, Elon Musk, Democratic National Convention, Democratic Party, Princeton University, Harvard University, Yale University, Liam, Jeffrey, Kumail Nanjiani, Israel Defense Forces, Wes Moore, BetterHelp, John Irving, The World According to Garp, The Cider House Rules, Work in Progress: Notes on Becoming a Man, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love, Diary Of A CEO Conversation Cards

[Source](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY)

中文简报

Galloway与Ury深入解析孤立年轻男性的经济与社会力量年轻男性的经济停滞与数字化孤立正在加剧普遍的情感拒绝、人口崩溃以及心理健康危机。该专家小组探讨了当今年轻男性面临的多重危机，涵盖经济脱节、孤独感以及不断变化的约会期望。Scott Galloway和Logan Ury深入剖析了现代科技、色情内容过度消费、约会软件上的向上择偶倾向以及明确男性榜样的缺失，是如何共同导致普遍的社交退缩与心理健康困境的。他们探讨了通过供养者、保护者和繁衍者三大核心支柱来重新定义现代男性气质的迫切需求，同时提出了切实可行的解决方案，例如男性同伴支持小组、体育锻炼以及在现实生活中经历拒绝。最终，这场对话为父母、年轻男性及全社会提供了实用建议，以帮助下一代重塑人生目标、人际联结与情绪韧性。女性对向上择偶的偏好以及在约会软件上的高标准（例如50%的用户筛选身高6英尺或以上的男性），给普通男性带来了严峻的择偶瓶颈。 (31:42) 目前英国每七名年轻男性中就有一人被归类为NEET（未就业、未接受教育或培训），这导致脱离社会与孤独感加剧，且更容易受到极端主义信息茧房的影响。 (34:32) 年轻女性期望伴侣具备高情商，但年轻男性在社会化过程中却很少习得满足这些期望所需的表达语汇。 (41:12) Logan Ury和Scott Galloway倡导一种与时俱进的男性气质定义，在果断的领导力和供养能力与深度的情感沟通及同伴支持小组之间实现平衡。 (50:10) 由于严重的社交焦虑以及对当众受辱或被网络曝光的恐惧，18至24岁的年轻男性中有超过50%从未在现实中当面邀请过女性约会。 (73:01)

Reading summary

On The Diary Of A CEO, marketing professor Scott Galloway and behavioral scientist Logan Ury argue that young men face a structural crisis driven by educational misalignment, winner-take-all economics, and a shifting dating landscape. They warn that without actionable mentorship and systemic reforms, growing male disengagement threatens both individual well-being and broader societal stability. Educational Disadvantage and Male Role Model Deficits (6:02) Findings from the March 2025 Lost Boys Report by the Centre for Social Justice reveal a 40% surge in young men aged 16–24 not in education, employment, or training (NEET). Galloway attributes this deterioration in male outcomes to fatherlessness and the depletion of male authority figures in schools, where the proportion of male teachers has dropped to roughly 24%. Citing research by Richard Reeves, Galloway notes that absent male role models impact young boys far more negatively than girls, correlating with higher rates of school suspension and incarceration. Furthermore, secondary schools have largely dismantled vocational pathways such as auto and metal shops, leaving non-academic young men with few viable middle-class routes. Logan Ury and Galloway argue that traditional educational formats favor female developmental biology. In the United States, young women represent 70% of high school valedictorians despite matching boys on standardized tests, indicating that classroom environments primarily reward sedentary discipline and organizational skills. Framing this discrepancy around the 'orchid versus dandelion' model, Ury notes that while girls adapt flexibly to changing environments, young boys mature approximately 18 months behind in prefrontal cortex development and require consistent male mentorship, stability, and high-energy physical outlets to succeed. Economic Dislocation and the Mating Bottleneck Modern economic incentives have increasingly adopted a winner-take-all model that disproportionately rewards elite achievers while abandoning the bottom 90%. In urban areas, full-time working women aged 16 to 24 now out-earn young men by approximately 10%, while young male unemployment is nearly double that of women. Additionally, female students account for roughly 60% of higher education enrollment. This economic inversion creates severe friction in romantic relationships due to hypergamy—the evolutionary preference among women for partners of equal or higher economic standing. Ury and Galloway cite data showing that marriages where wives out-earn husbands are twice as likely to end in divorce. On digital dating apps, this imbalance concentrates female interest on a narrow bracket of high-status men, while shutting out lower-earning men. Consequently, a stark demographic divergence has emerged: only one in three men under 30 in the United States currently has a girlfriend, compared to two in three women under 30 having a boyfriend. Social Isolation and Compounding Mental Health Crises (66:41) The erosion of romantic partnerships removes a critical behavioral guardrail for young men, pushing many into chronic isolation, pornography, and screen dependency. Citing Pew Research Center data, Galloway highlights that over 50% of young men aged 18 to 24 have never asked a woman out in person. Ury connects this passivity to a collapse in rejection resilience among post-pandemic Gen Z youth, who increasingly avoid social and workplace risks. Host Steven Bartlett adds that a collapse in Gen Z alcohol spending—down from $30 billion among Millennials to $2 billion—has removed a historical social lubricant, exacerbating social anxiety. This disconnection manifests in catastrophic psychological outcomes. Males account for 77% to 80% of all suicides in the United States. Drawing from Reeves's data, Ury notes that suicide has become the leading cause of death for boys under 15, with suicide notes routinely featuring the words 'worthless' and 'useless' when provider expectations go unmet. Galloway underscores this fragility by noting that boys who experience sexual abuse are six to ten times more likely to die by suicide later in life, yet societal stigma often forces male victims into prolonged silence. Reclaiming Agency Through Mentorship and Practical Habits (67:51) To counteract disengagement, Galloway rejects vague preaching in favor of disciplined daily protocols. He advises auditing young men's 8 to 12 weekly hours of aimless screen time and reallocating those hours into three pillars: lifting weights three times a week to improve physical strength and mental health, pursuing paid work to cultivate financial agency, and participating in in-person group activities twice weekly. Ury advocates for peer men's groups as accessible alternatives to therapy, providing structured spaces where men can work through hidden emotional friction without relying on deflection through humor. On a philosophical level, Galloway and Bartlett champion Richard Reeves's definition of mature manhood as generating 'surplus value'—giving more to family and society than one consumes. Galloway breaks this mandate into three roles: provider (maintaining financial trajectory and discipline), protector (actively defending the vulnerable), and procreator (taking respectful romantic risks). Systemically, Galloway calls for concrete policy interventions, including expanding vocational education, establishing mandatory national service to rebuild social cohesion, and introducing high school courses on practical life skills and respectful courtship. The participants conclude that the decline of young men cannot be viewed as a zero-sum gain for women, pointing to collapsing birth rates and future workforce contractions as evidence of shared societal peril. However, the discussion leaves open how policymakers and cultural institutions can realistically fund and scale targeted male mentorship and third spaces within an ideologically divided public landscape.

精炼阅读摘要

本期节目由 Steven Bartlett 主持，与行为科学家 Logan Ury 及营销学教授 Scott Galloway 深入探讨当代年轻男性在教育、经济、心理和婚恋领域面临的系统性困境。对谈指出，这一群体悄然退缩并陷入孤立并非单纯由个别网络博主诱发，而是家庭结构变化、教育模式不匹配、经济结构变迁以及现代约会市场断层共同催生的深层社会危机。教育失调与男性榜样匮乏的早期困境 (6:02) 社会正义中心（CSJ）于 2025 年 3 月发布的《迷惘男孩报告》（Lost Boys Report）显示，16 至 24 岁处于不升学、不高就且不进修状态（NEET）的年轻男性人数大幅上升 40%，男孩在学业成绩、自杀率和涉入司法系统等各项指标上普遍滑落。Scott Galloway 引用美国男孩与男性研究所 Richard Reeves 的研究指出，男性成长环境中父职及成年男性榜样的缺失是最核心的系统性短板；当家庭或校园缺乏男性存在时，男孩的表现下滑程度远比女孩剧烈，目前教育系统中的男性教师比例已降至约 24%，直接削弱了校园对典型男孩行为的包容度。在相同违纪行为下，男孩被停学的概率是女孩的两倍，非裔男孩更是高达五倍，传统职业教育路径的萎缩也阻断了大量非大学导向男性的上升通道。 Logan Ury 引入“兰花与蒲公英”心理学模型解释性别发育与适应力差异：女孩如同蒲公英般在多变环境中具有高度适应力，全美约 70% 的高中毕业生致词代表为女性；而男孩则更像娇贵的兰花，极度依赖稳定规范与针对性引导。英国数据显示 70% 的五岁女童已具备入园心理生理成熟度，而女童前额叶皮层的发育生物学上通常比男童超前约 18 个月。现代学校久坐听讲的静态授课模式严重压制了男孩本能的充沛体力与探索欲，缺乏体育宣泄渠道使得男孩更易表现出违规与情绪失控；加之童年期遭受严重创伤（如性侵）的男童日后自杀风险暴增 6 至 10 倍，长期背负污名化与缺乏情感宣泄机制，使得许多年轻男性从学龄期便开始全面落后。赢家通吃经济与男性经济认同的瓦解 Galloway 强调，英美经济政策与全球化已逐步演变成奖励前 1% 至 10% 顶尖精英的“赢家通吃”模型，抛弃了其余 90% 的普通人群。以加州大学洛杉矶分校（UCLA）为例，数十年前作为中产阶层跃迁引擎时录取率高达 76%，如今已骤降至 9%，使得普通家庭背景的年轻男性更难通过传统教育实现阶层跨越。在 16 至 24 岁的全职劳动群体中，年轻女性收入已比年轻男性高出约 10%，而年轻男性的失业率接近年轻女性的两倍。女性大学入学比例已攀升至 60%，传统蓝领高薪工作流失严重打击了普通男性赖以确立社会地位的经济支柱。男性自我价值高度绑定于经济能力，这种社会认同构成了巨大的精神重压。Steven Bartlett 与 Galloway 谈到，社会普遍以“提供者、保护者、繁衍者”来衡量男性价值，一旦失去财务支撑，往往带来致命的心理危机。Richard Reeves 的研究显示，自杀是 15 岁以下年轻男性的首要死因，而在男性自杀遗书中出现频率最高的核心词汇正是“毫无价值”（worthless）与“无用”（useless）。在美国，男性自杀人数占自杀总人数的 77% 至 80%，男女比例高达 4 比 1；然而由于历史上财富主要集中于白人男性，社会对当代遭遇结构性边缘化的 19 岁年轻男性缺乏同理心与政策救济，加剧了该群体的绝望感。择偶断层、技能赤字与两性心理隔阂 (31:42) 经济天平倾斜与进化心理学的交互作用在婚恋市场引发了严重的错配。数据表明，全美 30 岁以下男性中仅有三分之一拥有女友，而同年龄段女性有三分之二拥有男友，年轻女性正日益流向更年长、经济更稳定且情绪更成熟的男性。传统上女性倾向于同等或向上择偶（hypergamy），当高学历、高收入且高情商的女性数量增加时，合格的男性伴侣池急剧萎缩。这导致极少数头部男性获得大量非排他性约会选择，而底层男性则几乎被完全排除在择偶市场之外；若女性收入高于男性伴侣，其离婚概率往往会翻倍。此外，Z 世代对酒精消费从千禧一代的 300 亿美元骤降至 20 亿美元，伴随强烈的社交恐惧、对失败的极度厌恶以及对线上曝光的担忧，皮尤研究中心数据显示，18 至 24 岁年轻男性中有超过 50% 从未在现实中当面约过女性。两性在情感沟通与意识形态上也呈现深度撕裂。年轻女性平均比年轻男性更偏自由派 30%，年轻男性去教堂的比例历史上首次反超年轻女性。Ury 指出，现代两性关系存在两大矛盾：其一是“技能赤字悖论”，经济独立的女性渴望高水平情绪共鸣，但男性成长过程中从未被传授情感表达词汇，形成“女性情感在研究生水平，男性在三年级水平”的差距；其二是“脆弱性陷阱”，女性鼓励男性展现内心脆弱，但当男性真正卸下防备时，伴侣却往往感到不适甚至反感。许多年轻男性因而转向色情内容、网络论坛与电子游戏，彻底放弃现实生活中的尝试与联结。重塑现代男性气质与重建支持系统的实践方案 (67:51) 针对年轻男性的重建，Galloway 提出了“剩余价值”（surplus value）的现代男性标准：即成熟男性应当向社会与家庭输出多于索取的价值，承担保护弱者与稳定环境的职责。在个人执行层面，他主张年轻男性必须找回抗挫力，针对每周在社交媒体上空转 8 至 12 小时的现象，将时间重新分配至三大支柱：每周进行三次力量训练以提振睾酮、体魄与自信；保持职业专注与自食其力的赚钱动力；每周两次参与线下实体社群（如体育或教会组织）。在约会层面，Galloway 强调展现资源轨迹、幽默感与善良本性（如体面对待服务人员）；Ury 则建议女性践行“二次咖啡原则”，给慢热但可靠的男性展现深层品质的机会，并呼吁男性做好记住细节、主动规划等基础行动。在组织与政策层面，对谈嘉宾倡导建立去污名化的男性同行互助小组（Men's Groups）。Ury 以其丈夫参与的 6 至 7 人月度互助会为例，指出这种由同侪组成的信任网络为男性提供了低门槛且安全的情感泄洪阀，能够有效疏解工作重压与家庭焦虑，弥补个体心理咨询高昂的门槛。Galloway 进一步呼吁政府实施宏观干预：大规模扩建职业技术培训计划、增设大学名额、增加现实公共物理空间（第三方空间），并在高中开设教授基础财务管理与尊重性社交技能的必修课程；甚至通过国家服务或役期机制强化年轻人的社会联结，填补目前由极端网络红人占据的思想真空。本场对话最终指出，解决年轻男性的危机绝非回到旧式父权制，也不应将男女发展视作零和博弈。然而，若社会持续忽视男性在成长引导、职业准入与情感健康上的系统性塌陷，最终将引发结婚率与生育率崩塌、抚养比失衡等波及全社会的灾难性经济与文明后果。如何在肯定女性进步的同时，为现代男性建立正向、有担当且兼具情感支持力的行为脚本，仍是当前亟待公共政策与家庭社区合力应对的严峻议题。

Detailed notes — zh

## Background 本期视频由 YouTube 知名播客频道 The Diary Of A CEO 于 2025 年 3 月 31 日发布。主持人 Steven Bartlett 邀请了纽约大学斯特恩商学院营销学教授 Scott Galloway 以及 Hinge 关系科学总监、行为科学家 Logan Ury，围绕当时发布的《迷茫的男孩》（Lost Boys Report）深入剖析当代年轻男性在教育、就业与婚恋领域正面临的系统性退缩与生存危机。 ## TL;DR 节目围绕西方年轻男性在现实生活与婚恋市场中悄然退缩的严峻现状展开，揭示了缺父家庭、教育体系偏颇及蓝领通道萎缩给男孩成长带来的沉重挤压。随着女性经济社会地位的显著提升，择偶通货已从单一的物质供养急剧转向情商（EQ）与细腻沟通，而数字色情、社交媒体的严苛过滤与抗挫力匮乏，促使大量普通男性因择偶错配和身份认同丧失而走向边缘化。针对这一危机，嘉宾们重构了以“提供者、保护者、繁衍者”为核心的健康男性气质，强调男性必须在直面现实被拒、提升共情倾听、建立线下兄弟情谊与承担社会盈余价值中重拾尊严与人生方向。 ## Atmosphere & style 整场对话凝重深沉却又极具建设性与穿透力，既有冰冷残酷的统计数据与进化心理学剖析，又充满三位对谈者剥开自我脆弱面时的真情流露。Scott Galloway 的发言犀利如刀、饱含沧桑的父性关怀，Steven Bartlett 坦诚分享自己深陷“唯金钱论”与难以示弱的心路历程，而 Logan Ury 则从女性视角与行为科学切入，提供了理性温和的平衡视角。听感上犹如一场深夜的紧急围炉夜话，在揭示年轻男性高自杀率与无价值感的绝望深渊之余，给出了切实重塑心智与重返现实世界的温暖指南。 ## Bulletin - [02:03](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=123s) 英国社会正义中心发布《迷茫的男孩》报告，指出16至24岁处于NEET（未就业、未受教育、未受训）状态的年轻男性激增40%，男性已占全球自杀总数的75%，在多达50个国家成为50岁以下男性的首要死因。 - [32:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=1928s) 择偶市场出现严重的婚配断层（Mating Gap）与“保时捷式一夫多妻”现象：大学在校生中女性已占60%，交友软件苛刻门槛导致顶层10%男性拥有溢出选择并陷入决策瘫痪，而底层男性平均右滑1000次才能促成一次线下会面。 - [10:27](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=627s) 少子化与单亲家庭形成复合危机：韩国总和生育率跌破0.7，全美25%儿童在无父家庭中成长，男孩因缺乏男性榜样与导师引导，卷入涉枪涉毒和犯罪的概率飙升300%。 - [01:49:03](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6543s) 政治与文化失衡推波助澜：政治左翼将传统男性特质过度污名化为“有毒男子气概”，导致占人口26%的年轻男性感到被边缘化与道德规训，促使其群体立场加速向右翼保守派转向。 - [01:43:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6188s) 专家呼吁确立“提供者、保护者、繁衍者”的健康男性气质三脚支架，推行男孩推迟入学（红衫化）、重振职业教育并建立国家服役制度，以挽救失序的年轻男性群体。 ## Key takeaways - [00:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=0s) 现代社会择偶通货已从传统物质供养全面转向情商（EQ），但男性的社会化路径严重滞后，导致年轻男性在教育、就业与亲密关系中陷入全方位退缩。 - [06:02](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=362s) 教育体系正系统性挤压男孩成长：公立学校男教师比例锐减至24%，过早取消动手实操课程，加上男孩前额叶发育比女孩晚18个月，导致同龄入学下男孩被处分与学业落后的比例断崖式上升。 - [10:27](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=627s) 缺父家庭危机削弱男孩的人生护栏，日常“垃圾时间”的碎片化相处是建立父子纽带的关键，成年男性导师机制的断裂让许多男孩失去确立行为边界的榜样。 - [14:29](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=869s) 心理学“兰花与蒲公英模型”表明男孩对逆境微环境更加敏感脆弱，遭受创伤后的自杀风险远高于女孩，但社会强加的硬汉形象使其习惯压抑创伤而无法求助。 - [25:10](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=1510s) 婚姻正逐渐异化为高收入群体的“奢侈品”：顶层人群结婚率达75%，而底层仅25%；随着年轻女性收入逐步反超同龄男性，女性的“高攀择偶”本能造成合格伴侣供给严重脱节。 - [32:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=1928s) 数字化约会软件造就极端赢家通吃：顶层10%男性通过算法获得前所未有的选择权却拖延承诺，中底层男性在海量拒绝中退缩至网络论坛，导致两性长期关系全面失序。 - [41:09](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=2469s) 亲密关系面临“第一重约会悖论”：女性普遍要求深度的情绪价值共鸣，但当男性真正展露脆弱与失意时，反而极易遭遇女性潜意识里的吸引力幻灭和排斥。 - [01:02:32](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=3752s) 无摩擦色情与AI虚拟伴侣构筑了致命的避难所：零门槛的即时多巴胺反馈抽空了年轻男性走出家门、忍受现实社交挫折以及提升自身竞争力的动力。 - [01:13:01](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=4381s) 后MeToo时代与全景监控文化催生深刻的搭讪恐惧：现实社交边界的模糊与约会娱乐化让年轻男性极度恐惧被贴上变态标签，超半数Z世代男性从未当面邀约过异性。 - [01:31:42](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=5502s) 唯金钱论的资本主义筛选将男性存在价值与经济能力死锁：男性将金钱视作核心身份尊严，失去经济能力直接诱发深层自我否定，成为年轻男性绝笔信中高频出现“毫无价值”的心理根源。 - [01:43:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6188s) 重构健康男性气质的三大支柱：做具备财务纪律与长远规划的“提供者”、本能护卫弱小的“保护者”，以及勇于直面被拒、坦荡追求爱与后代的“繁衍者”。 - [01:46:33](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6393s) 全球少子化危机表明男性困境绝非零和博弈：男性的全面溃败并未换来女性的长期幸福，结婚率暴跌与人口老龄化正将整体经济推向断崖式衰退。 - [01:49:03](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6543s) 年轻男性加速右倾的核心动因是左翼叙事的文化真空：左派长期将男性特质简单归类为“有毒”并要求男性像女性一样行事，从而将大量受挫的年轻男性推向右翼阵营。 - [01:56:11](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6971s) 成年的真正标准是创造“盈余价值”：一个健康成熟的男人对家庭与社会的实际奉献应大于索取，并且敢于打破情感麻木，学会倾听伴侣并诚恳表达求助。 - [02:04:55](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=7495s) 救赎迷茫男孩需要宏观政策介入：包括恢复职业技能培训通道、建设线下第三空间实体，以及设立类似两到三年的国家服役机制，为青年重塑身份认同与使命感。 - [02:11:01](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=7861s) 人生幸福是一条“微笑曲线”：年轻时期在事业与情感底部的挣扎是成长必经阶段，通过SCAFA法则（高强度运动、健康饮食、戒除成瘾、回归家庭与肢体温情）可有效摆脱抑郁低谷。 ## Detailed walkthrough ### [00:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=0s) 危机序幕与节目开场：沉默中崩溃的年轻一代在当今社会，一场关乎人类未来的危机正在悄然蔓延，却极少被公开探讨。统计数据显示，年轻男性的生存与心理状态正陷入前所未有的泥潭，数以百万计的年轻男性深陷孤独与成瘾问题。年轻女性的收入已经开始超越同龄男性，而在 16 至 24 岁的年轻群体中，不升学、不就业且不接受培训（NEET）的男性比例惊人地激增了 40%。当一段亲密关系中女性的收入反超男性时，双方离婚的概率会直接翻倍——因为传统择偶观念中女性倾向于寻找经济或社会地位更高的伴侣。然而当下，情商已成为现代择偶市场的“硬通货”，但绝大多数男性在成长过程中接受的教育并非如何培养情商，而是如何成为一名单纯的经济供养者。童年时期缺乏成年男性的陪伴与引导，是导致这一恶性循环的导火索。一旦失去身边的男性榜样，男孩走向违法犯罪的概率将大幅攀升，进而催生出大批充满愤怒、孤立无援的单身年轻男性。一位名为 Jeffrey 的观众来信道出了无数人的心声："我这一生从未觉得自己足够好，仿佛我永远无法在这个社会中挣得一席之地。" 面对这一严峻现实，主持人 Steven Bartlett 与两位长期关注社会议题的知名学者展开深入对谈，试图抽丝剥茧寻找解决之道。在正式讨论前，Steven 也坦言频道有 53% 的常态观众尚未点击订阅，并承诺将以持续输出优质内容和对谈作为对订阅者的回报。 - **年轻男性未就业/未受教育比例**：16 至 24 岁处于未受教育、未就业状态的男性比例激增了 40%。 - **收入倒挂与婚姻危机**：当伴侣中女性收入高于男性时，离婚风险翻倍。 - **择偶货币的转变**：择偶核心价值已转向情绪智力（EQ），但男性的社会化过程仍停留在“物质供养者”（Provider）模式。 --- ### [02:03](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=123s) 《迷茫的男孩》报告发布：被忽视的男性困境与择偶断层 2025 年 3 月，英国社会正义中心（Centre for Social Justice, CSJ）发布了名为《迷茫的男孩》（The Lost Boys）的震撼报告，在英国媒体与公众舆论中掀起轩然大波。该机构首席执行官 Andy Cook 在报告序言中直言，长期奔波在一线的教师、青少年社工、慈善机构及家长都在传递同一个沉重的事实：“我们的男孩出问题了。”男孩们在教育体系中节节败退，自杀率居高不下，难以谋得稳定的工作，且极易卷入违法犯罪。报告尖锐指出，像 Andrew Tate 这类网络红人的兴起仅仅是表象而非病因，真正的问题在于有太多男孩在成长中被剥夺了生存所必需的指引、纪律与人生意义感。Steven 提及，连自己公司的女性 CEO Georgie 在审阅报告中的惨淡图表时，都忍不住发信息表示自己痛心落泪。对谈嘉宾之一的 Logan Ury 是知名行为科学家、择偶教练兼交友软件 Hinge 的关系科学总监。她结合行为决策学与长期实证研究指出，当下整个社会正处于严重的“择偶危机”（dating crisis）与“婚配断层”（mating gap）之中——各处都有大量优秀的单身女性在寻找伴侣，但符合基本预期的合适男性却严重匮乏。结婚率的连年暴跌直接拖累了全球生育率，演变成关乎人类繁衍的大问题。另一位嘉宾是纽约大学斯特恩商学院营销学教授、美国男孩与男性研究所（AIBM）顾问委员会成员 Scott Galloway。Scott 强调，女性在全球范围内的迅速崛起是一项应当庆祝的集体胜利，但与此同时，西方市场的年轻男性正在以前所未有的速度跌落谷底。他坦言自己年轻时也曾缺乏经济前景与情感出路，若非当年社会环境与教育扶持政策兜底，身处今天的诱惑与算法网络中，自己极可能沦为同样失败的统计数据。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 择偶断层与社会连带危机示意图 accDescr: 展示男性困境如何通过择偶断层传导并引发更广泛的社会人口危机 subgraph MaleDecline["男性社会化困境"] A["教育体系落后与失业 (NEET+40%)"] B["缺乏情绪智商与人生目标"] end subgraph MatingGap["择偶与家庭断层"] C["女性经济与教育地位迅速提升"] D["优质单身男性严重短缺 (Mating Gap)"] E["结婚率暴跌与离婚率倍增"] end subgraph SocietalImpact["宏观社会危机"] F["全球生育率急剧下滑"] G["年轻男性群体愤怒与边缘化"] end A --> D B --> D C --> D D --> E E --> F A --> G ``` --- ### [06:02](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=362s) 第一块倒下的多米诺骨牌：男性榜样的缺失与教育体系的失衡在探讨男性群体困境的根本诱因时，Scott Galloway 援引了学者理查德·里夫斯（Richard Reeves）的研究成果，指出逆向工程排查问题后，“男性榜样的缺失”是男孩人生中倒下的第一块多米诺骨牌。目前美国的单亲家庭比例高居全球第二（仅次于瑞典）。在单亲家庭环境中，女孩的高中出勤率、收入潜力和自残率受到的影响并不明显；然而男孩一旦失去父亲或成年男性榜样的陪伴，其被监禁率、卷入暴力犯罪以及自残的概率会出现断崖式恶化。Scott 强调，虽然男孩在生理力量上更强，但在心理和情感韧性上其实远比女孩脆弱。如果缺乏成熟男性的引导，他们很难建立起自律和责任感。与家庭男性缺位互为表里的是学校教育体系中男性角色的锐减。例如在明尼苏达州州长 Tim Walz 早期从教时，学校里大约每三名教师中就有一名男性，而如今这一比例已骤降至 24% 左右。更关键的是，目前的教育机制天然契合女孩的行为特质，在规则上奖励“安静坐好”、“顺从迎合”、“条理清晰”以及“主动举手”，而男孩爱动、竞争和爱冒险的天性则被视作异类。数据证明，在相同违纪行为的评估基准下，男孩被处以停学处罚的几率是女孩的 2 倍（黑人男孩更高达 5 倍），而一旦在校被停学两次，学生基本就丧失了升入大学的可能。与此同时，学校系统全面取缔了过去能够通往稳定中产阶级蓝领职位的木工课、汽修课和金工课，取而代之的是纯学术化的计算机等理论学科，切断了那三分之二无法通过传统文理大学途径立足的普通男生的出路。Logan 补充指出，尽管美国 70% 的优秀毕业生代表（Valedictorian）都是女性，班级前 10% 绝大多数也是女生，但男女在标准化的 SAT 考试中得分并无差距，这强有力地说明当下的学校考评体系严重偏向顺从型的女性学习风格，无形中系统性边缘化了男孩。 - **单亲家庭比例**：美国的单亲家庭发生率在全球排名第二，仅次于瑞典。 - **男性榜样缺失的影响**：男孩对单亲环境的敏感度显著高于女孩，失去男性榜样会直接导致自残率、辍学率与监禁率激增。 - **教师性别比例失衡**：公立学校中的男性教师比例已从早年的三分之一降至约 24%。 - **停学惩罚的不平等**：同等违纪行为下，男孩被学校停学的概率是女孩的 2 倍，黑人男孩是被停学概率的 5 倍。 - **学术与应试表现差异**：女性占到全美高中毕业生代表（Valedictorian）的 70%，且更易进入年级前 10%；但双方在 SAT 标化测试中表现平分秋色。 - **传统技能课程流失**：学校取消了木工（wood shop）、汽修（auto shop）、金工（metal shop）等蓝领通道课程，全面转向计算机科学与升学教育。 ### [09:15](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=555s) 父权制的窄化定义与男性的困境 Logan Ury 回顾了过去 50 年女性地位的巨大进步，认为自己和一岁大的女儿都是这一历史进程的受益者。女儿出生时收到的礼物全都是关于历史上杰出女性的绘本，传递着“有志者事竟成、勇敢追梦”的激励口号。然而，社会在赋能女性的同时，男孩却在悄然掉队。Logan 坦言自己参与这期节目前十分忐忑，担心被贴上“男性辩护者”（male apologist）或忽视女性困境的标签；但她强调这绝不是零和博弈（zero-sum game），当今每个人都在挣扎，男孩群体迫切需要被同理与托举。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 狭隘男性定义对两性的双重负面影响 accDescr: 展示狭隘的男性角色定义如何同时造成女性择偶困难与男性心理压力 A["狭隘的男性定义与期望"] --> B["男性承受矛盾压力"] A --> C["女性择偶标尺错位"] B --> D["被要求兼具传统阳刚与现代阴柔"] C --> E["普遍感叹没有合格优质伴侣"] D --> F["两性关系普遍脱节受挫"] E --> F ``` Logan 指出，父权制不仅伤害女性，对男性同样是一种伤害。很多人误以为父权制独尊男性，但当社会对“何为真正的男人”给出极其狭隘苛刻的定义时，所有人都将沦为受害者。在她的大量情感与关系研究中，女性普遍感到在婚恋市场上找不到足够优秀的男性交往，而男性则疲于奔命，陷入必须兼顾“强悍阳刚”与“细腻阴柔”两极的荒谬标准之中。 - 过去 50 年女性权益大幅提升，社会提供了充分的向上通道与心理赋能，但男孩的教育与成长支持出现脱节。 - 狭隘的性别期待将男性逼入两难：既要承担传统的经济支柱角色，又要满足当代情感细腻的沟通要求。 --- ### [10:27](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=627s) 缺父家庭暴增与“无用时间”的陪伴缺失 Steven Bartlett 引用美国国家父职倡议组织（National Fatherhood Initiative）的数据指出，无父家庭正在成为普遍危机：约 25% 的男孩在没有亲生父亲、继父或养父的环境下生活。美国是全世界单亲家庭比例最高的国家，且单亲抚养中有 92% 为单身母亲独力承担。1968 年仅有 11% 的儿童与母亲单住，到 2020 年这一数字翻倍至 21%。更严重的是后果：来自缺父家庭的孩子，携带枪支、卷入毒品交易的概率高出整整 300%，并伴随严重的心理健康隐患。 Scott Galloway 直言父亲缺位成因复杂，除了单纯的男性遗弃责任外，家庭法院的判决偏向与经济压力也让离异父亲难以深度参与孩子生活。Scott 举例自己一位离异朋友育有 13 岁和 15 岁的女儿，周末探视时女儿往往忙于自己的社交圈，父亲很难成为重心。Scott 提出了“垃圾时间”（garbage time）理论： > “我和儿子们最深厚的情感连接，往往发生在送他们上学的路上、在后院胡乱踢球打闹的日常琐碎中——也就是那些看似毫无意义的‘垃圾时间’。一旦你不住在同一屋檐下，这种自发的偶遇和连接机会就荡然无存，父亲与孩子的纽带便会不可避免地慢慢淡去。” - 全美约四分之一的儿童处于无父状态，且 92% 由单亲母亲独自抚养。 - 1968 年至 2020 年间，仅与母亲生活的儿童比例从 11% 飙升至 21%。 - 缺父家庭长大的青少年，涉枪涉毒的概率高出普通家庭 300%。 - 日常碎片化相处的“垃圾时间”是建立父子信任与深度连接的关键纽带。 --- ### [12:34](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=754s) 生理成熟差异与男孩推迟一年入学的提议 Scott Galloway 分享了他带 14 岁儿子参加万圣节派对时的鲜明对比：同龄的 14 岁男孩举止呆萌甚至显得有些笨拙（"cute, dopes"），而 14 岁的女孩身高达到五英尺十一英寸，举止优雅得体，“看起来甚至可以直接去竞选宾夕法尼亚州的联邦参议员”。从脑科学角度来看，女孩的前额叶皮层发育比男孩提前整整 18 个月。这意味着在同一年级竞争时，一名 18 岁的女生实际上是在和一个心智仅相当于 16 岁半的男生竞争。更令人担忧的是，环境雌激素或农药污染可能导致女孩初潮更早，而男孩睾丸下降与生理成熟更晚，两者的生理差距正在进一步拉大。鉴于这种显著的发育代差，学者 Richard Reeves 等人提出了“红衫化”（Redshirting，即保留入学资格延期一年）策略：让男孩 6 岁入读幼儿园，女孩 5 岁入学。Logan 补充说明，英国的研究显示 70% 的 5 岁女童已完全具备入读小学的认知与自控能力，而达标的男童比例极低。若让男孩晚入学一年，不仅可以在 4 到 5 岁及 13 到 14 岁这两个大脑发育关键期缩小代差，还能让男孩在同一跑道上免受挫败感摧残。 - 男生与女生的前额叶皮层成熟度存在约 18 个月的天然发育滞后。 - 英国数据显示 70% 的 5 岁女童已具备入学准备度，男童则普遍显著滞后。 - “红衫化”提议主张男孩 6 岁入学、女孩 5 岁入学，以在生理心智平齐的基础上展开良性竞争。 --- ### [14:29](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=869s) 脆弱的“兰花”：男孩更低的心理抗挫韧性 Steven Bartlett 拿出一组统计图表展示了一个惊人事实：父亲的缺位会导致男孩出现极其显著的抑郁症状，但对女孩心理健康造成的负面冲击却远没有那么剧烈。Logan 用发展心理学中著名的“兰花与蒲公英”（Orchid and Dandelion）模型来解释这种性别抗压差异：女童更像“蒲公英”，生存韧性更强，即使在寄养家庭等恶劣逆境中也能维持相对健康的状态；而男童则是娇贵的“兰花”，对阳光、水分和微气候的要求极其苛刻，一旦缺乏适宜且稳固的环境，便极易夭折枯萎。 ```mermaid flowchart LR accTitle: 兰花与蒲公英儿童抗逆力模型 accDescr: 对比男童兰花模型与女童蒲公英模型在恶劣家庭环境下的不同抗压结果 subgraph Dandelion["女童：蒲公英特质"] D1["环境适应阈值宽"] --> D2["缺父/寄养逆境"] --> D3["更强的心理韧性与抗压性"] end subgraph Orchid["男童：兰花特质"] O1["对微环境极其苛求"] --> O2["缺父/家庭失能"] --> O3["抑郁症状剧增/恶性越轨概率飙升"] end ``` 这种抗压脆弱性在极端创伤后表现得尤为明显。Scott 引用数据指出：在同为 15 岁遭受性侵犯的样本中，男孩日后自杀的概率是女孩的 6 到 10 倍。尽管罪行同样不可饶恕，但男童在情感与心理层面表现得更为脆弱。Steven 提到著名播客主播 Lewis Howes 直到人到中年、亲密关系屡屡碰壁后，才在播客中坦承童年曾遭性侵。长期以来，男性受害者面临着更深重的社会污名——社会认为这会有损其阳刚气质（"made him less of a man"），迫使受害者选择常年压抑失声，最终酿成悲剧。 - 父亲缺位对男童的抑郁诱发效应显著高于女童。 - 兰花与蒲公英模型：女孩在童年期抗逆性更强，男孩心理更敏感易碎，需高度精确的滋养环境。 - 遭遇性侵创伤后，受害男童成年后的自杀风险比受害女童高出 6 至 10 倍。 --- ### [16:41](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=1001s) 课堂环境失衡、多动天性与父亲的定海神针作用 Steven 宣读了一位来自德国的匿名幼儿园/学前班教师的听众来信。该教师反映，班上每年都有越来越多的男孩表现出破坏课堂秩序的极端攻击性精力，而这些男孩通常具有两个共同特征：家庭缺乏清晰的行为边界，以及能够无监督、无限制地在互联网上接触包括色情内容在内的各种极端信息，导致他们对是非对错的认知产生严重扭曲。针对传统久坐式课堂是否违背男孩天性的讨论，Scott 将男孩的生理需求比作精力充沛的猎犬：“快乐的狗是跑累了的狗”（"a happy dog is a tired dog"）。在实行纯男校体制的学校里，课间休息（recess）和户外活动的时间往往比普通男女混校多出一倍，男孩需要通过激烈的运动、自由玩耍乃至合规的“摔跤打闹”（rough housing）来消耗过剩的精力与荷尔蒙。 Scott 还指出，在很长一段时间里，强调“男孩需要父亲”甚至会被批评为性别歧视、贬低单身母亲。然而根据他抚养男孩的切身经验，父亲所具备的低沉音色、体格气场及独特的威严，往往在纠偏男孩越界行为时具有母亲无可替代的作用。男孩虽在情感依恋与寻求安慰时会无条件奔向母亲，但随着年龄增长，他们会逐渐在心理上“屏蔽”（tune out）母亲的说教，不断试探行为边界，此时父亲作为“定海神针”式的界限确立者至关重要。 ### [19:03](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=1143s) 单亲家庭与缺位的男性榜样：当小男孩失去边界与指引讨论深入到男孩日常行为与情绪控制的根源问题。许多单亲母亲在独自抚养儿子时，往往难以应对男孩不断试探边界的本能，缺乏一种能够“压住阵脚”的物理性威慑与男性气场。当这种引导缺失，再叠加现代智能设备这类“多巴胺制造机”——男孩们习惯于每天按需上百次地刺激多巴胺释放，而一旦被剥夺设备，就更容易爆发强烈的情绪失控。面对这一困境，单亲母亲往往感到无助：在学校见不到男老师，传统的男童军（Boy Scouts）名存实亡或不再保持纯男性空间，诸如“大哥哥大姐姐”（Big Brothers Big Sisters）等志愿项目也难以覆盖所有人，母亲们究竟该向何处求助？在组织形态上，美国的童军组织如今已改为男女兼收的“Scouts BSA”，而女童军（Girl Scouts）却依然保留着专属的单性别空间，这使得男孩失去了专属的成长阵地。Scott Galloway 指出，社会舆论必须形成一种新的共识：一旦家庭中缺少父亲的角色，就必须主动引入其他成年男性介入男孩的生活，且这种举措绝不能被贴上“性别歧视”的标签。Scott 分享了切身经历：他成长于单亲家庭，由一位做秘书的单亲移民母亲抚养长大，父亲因工作搬走后，母亲积极为他寻找身边的男性榜样。当时同楼的一位股票经纪人邻居会带着女友主动邀请他去骑马，还有各类课外露营活动让他身边环绕着优秀的成年男性。然而在当今时代，许多男性极度害怕与非亲生男孩建立接触，生怕被扣上动机不良或恋童癖的怀疑，这种普遍的戒备心彻底切断了健康男性 mentorship（导师机制）的传承。男孩在家庭与学校两头遭遇了彻底的“男性真空”。如今初中教师中女性占比高达 72%，基础教育体系中几乎看不到男性身影。这种结构性失衡带来了一系列沉重后果： - **极度失衡的职业比例**：在美国，人均女性战斗机飞行员的比例甚至高于男性幼儿园教师。 - **扭曲的男性榜样**：在全美数以百万计的男孩生活中，从 K-12 基础教育到社区均无成年男性在场，许多人生命中见到的第一个男性权威榜样竟然是监狱看守。 - **课后与社区支持萎缩**：大量社区课后项目因资金或监管被砍，在诸多边缘社区中，成年男性几乎整体性消失。 --- ### [22:39](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=1359s) 赢家通吃与淘汰底层：教育神话与中产阶级路径的断裂当人们追问“年轻男性究竟去了哪里”时，答案往往令人沮丧：他们既不在大学校园，也不在就业岗位上，而是整日蜷缩在虚拟网络中。除了男性陪伴的缺失，更深层的动因在于宏观经济结构与教育体系对普通人的抛弃。在英国，经济增长停滞直接挤压了未受高等教育男性的收入空间；而在美国，蓝领中产阶级依托的职业培训被削减，大量保障男性体面生活的制造业岗位被外包。整套经济与选拔体系正在向极少数精英倾斜。当前的大学与经济政策走向了极端的“精英狂欢”。如果一名学生位列全校前 10% 甚至 1%，他能享受前所未有的时代红利——三十岁前进入 Google 成为顶尖计算机人才，便能轻松积累数百万美元身家。然而，数学逻辑证明 99% 的孩子根本不在那前 1% 之列。现实是教育系统已经退化为“为 1% 的超级阶层加冕、将其打造成亿万富翁”的筛选机器，彻底放弃了帮助底层的 90% 跃升至前 10% 的社会基建。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 经济与教育体制走向赢家通吃的筛选逻辑 accDescr: 展示选拔体制从普惠大众向服务顶层少数倾斜的演变路径 subgraph Past ["过去：包容平凡的阶梯"] A["高录取率公立大学 (如 UCLA 达 76%)"] --> B["吸纳资质普通但有潜力的青年"] B --> C["职业培训与制造业就业托底"] C --> D["广泛跃入中产阶级的阶梯"] end subgraph Present ["现在：极端残酷的赢家通吃"] E["大学录取率雪崩 (如 UCLA 跌至 9%)"] --> F["倾注资源选拔前 1% 精英与未来富豪"] F --> G["底层 90% 面临制造业外包与培训断档"] G --> H["大量普通青年彻底滑落与躺平"] end ``` 这种制度变迁在大学录取率上体现得淋漓尽致。Scott Galloway 坦言自己年轻时资质平平，受制于单亲家庭和未发育成熟的前额叶皮层，但他申请加州大学洛杉矶分校（UCLA）时，该校录取率高达 76%，其使命正是接纳普通资质的孩子；而如今 UCLA 的录取率已经暴跌至 9%。美国全社会沉浸在一种盲目的乐观主义之中，家长们总误以为自己的孩子注定是那前 1%，或者幻想自己有朝一日也能成为亿万富翁，因而心甘情愿地支持这种剥夺大众资源、向顶层疯狂输送繁荣的体制，最终亲手缔造了一个零和的“赢家通吃”社会。 --- ### [25:10](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=1510s) 婚姻沦为奢侈品与“反向性别薪酬差距”的现实冲突这种“赢家通吃”的法则正在全方位侵蚀美国的社会生活。在身体健康方面，前 10% 的富裕人群享受着全球最顶级的医疗服务、身心健康达到历史巅峰，其余民众的健康状况却跌入谷底。在情感关系领域，婚姻同样蜕变成了一种昂贵的“奢侈品”。虽然今天高学历、高收入精英夫妻的结合质量和黏性甚至高于以往任何时代，但全美整体结婚率已逼近历史最低点。收入阶层与婚姻缔结率之间出现了断崖式的分化： - **收入前 20%（顶层五分之一）家庭**：成年人结婚率高达 **75%**。 - **收入后 20%（底层五分之一）家庭**：成年人结婚率骤降至仅 **25%**。 - **底层低收入男性**：步入婚姻的概率仅仅只有 **四分之一（1/4）**。这种家庭结构的坍塌引发了系统性危机：已婚群体在健康、财富积累和寿命上均显著优于未婚群体，且双亲家庭的儿童贫困率极低；婚姻崩塌直接导致新生儿出生率断崖式下滑。 ```mermaid flowchart LR accTitle: 择偶市场中的超配错配与断层 accDescr: 说明女性学历收入上升与传统向上择偶文化碰撞后导致的断层 subgraph Female ["女性现状"] W1["高等教育与早期薪资领先"] W2["传统高攀择偶观念 (Hypergamy)"] W1 --> W2 end subgraph Male ["男性现状"] M1["年轻群体失业率激增 (女性的近2倍)"] M2["收入落后 10% (16-24岁全职)"] M1 --> M2 end W2 -. 寻找更高阶伴侣失败.-> Deadlock["择偶断层：合格伴侣匮乏"] M2 -. 经济地位丧失导致被边缘化.-> Deadlock ``` 面对 Steven 拿出的“反向性别薪酬差距”图表，现场探讨了年轻一代面临的全新男女经济对调格局。数据显示，在 16 至 24 岁全职就业人群中，年轻男性的收入比年轻女性整整低了 10%，且年轻男性的失业率几乎是女性的两倍。然而 Logan Ury 强调，这一短暂的收入领先通常在女性 30 岁前后被打破——一旦步入育儿阶段，如同遭遇“陨石撞击”，女性依然承担着大部分育儿与家务琐事，同时还要承受全职打工的经济压力。更严峻的冲突发生在婚恋择偶市场。人类演化史上长久存在的“高攀择偶”（Hypergamy）心理，让女性本能地倾向于寻找经济与社会地位高于自己的伴侣。过去几千年由男性掌控资源的格局在近五十年内被彻底颠覆，如今大批优秀、高收入的现代女性完成学业打拼事业后，却在相亲市场中绝望地发现“根本没有足够多合格的好男人可选”。这种女性能力的全面跃升与传统择偶偏好的交织，直接构成了当下年轻男女之间难以逾越的“择偶断层”（Mating Gap）。 ### [28:35](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=1715s) 择偶新通货：从“养家者”到“情商捕手”的脱节 Logan Ury 指出，如今大量步入三十岁的女性完成了个人成长：她们积极接受心理咨询、坚持健身、全方位提升自我，并满怀信心地准备好迎接一位优秀的伴侣，却在市场上找不到足够与之匹配的男性。如果当下的单身女性已深陷这种择偶荒漠，那么十年到十五年后的危机将更为严峻。当前美国大学在校生中已有 60% 是女性，未来每产生两位女性大学毕业生，对应的男毕业生可能仅有一位，这意味着届时将有一半的受过高等教育的女性无法找到同样拥有大学文凭的男性。这一学历倒挂引发了一场深层的文化与角色危机。既然男性无法在传统的经济提供者（Provider）角色上占据绝对优势，女性对男性的核心诉求便发生了剧烈转变——“情商成了婚恋市场上的新通货”。然而，这一代年轻男性从小接受的规训是压抑情绪、承担经济支柱责任，而非培养高共情力与情感支持能力。Logan 打了一个生动的比喻：男人们一直在荒野中苦苦追捕名为“经济提供者”的狮子，突然有一天社会却宣称打狮子已经过时，要求他们去抓捕名为“情商”的老虎，而他们根本没有掌握打虎的工具。女性对男性的综合要求在不断抬高，而男性却在各个维度上持续掉队。 ```mermaid flowchart LR accTitle: 择偶期待错配模型 accDescr: 展示男性传统培养模式与现代女性核心需求之间的结构性断裂 subgraph Male["男性传统培育轨迹"] A["传统社会规训 专注于打猎养家"] --> B["追求经济支撑力 （捕杀狮子）"] B --> C["缺乏情绪表达 与共情技巧"] end subgraph Female["现代女性核心诉求"] D["受教育程度反超 具备独立经济能力"] --> E["重新定义伴侣价值 （寻找老虎）"] E --> F["情商成为新通货 要求深度情绪价值"] end C -.->|"技能无法满足需求"| F ``` ### [29:44](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=1784s) 经济地位逆转与“高跟鞋效应”：男女择偶标准的错配 Scott Galloway 对此补充了现实维度的复杂性。在纽约、华盛顿特区等主要都市圈中，30 岁以下全职女性的平均收入已经超越了同龄男性。然而企业制度层面仍存在巨大缺陷：一旦女性决定动用卵巢、生育子女，职场体系便无法有效维持她们的事业发展轨迹。更残酷的数据在于家庭内部的权力平衡——三分之二的离婚案在根源上都可以回溯到男方收入的相对下滑；当妻子的收入反超丈夫时，夫妻离婚的概率会飙升至两倍，男性服用勃起功能障碍（ED）药物的几率甚至猛增至三倍，因为男性传统的价值感与自尊心在经济失衡中被彻底击碎。Scott 直言，如果女性在经济上填补了空缺、承担了更多家庭开支，男性理应在后勤与生活琐事上全方位补位，但现实中很多女性感到极度挫败，因为丈夫既不再是唯一的经济支柱，又未能在家庭运作中补齐这一落差。女性展现出更强的自律性、在信息经济主导的大学体系中如鱼得水并赚取更高薪水，这无可厚非。但随之而来的次生效应却十分棘手： - **经济门槛的双重标准**：75% 的女性在择偶时将对方的经济生存能力（Economic viability）视作极其重要的指标，而只有 25% 的男性会在意伴侣的赚钱能力；对男性而言经济不是择偶硬门槛，对女性而言却是先决条件。 - **高跟鞋效应（High heels effect）**：播客主播 Chris Williamson 提出的这一概念表明，约 50% 的女性明确表示绝不接受比自己矮的男性，而 Scott 认为现实中的实际比例很可能高达 80%。这种偏好植根于古老的进化本能——女性在孕育期处于极其脆弱的状态，天生渴望体格上足以提供庇护的伴侣。 - **身高的隐喻**：女性在受教育程度、收入与社会地位上“一年比一年长得更高”。而在进化心理学中，女性倾向于“平视或仰视择偶”（水平及向上择偶），男性则倾向于“平视或俯视择偶”。当向上仰视的备选池以惊人速度萎缩时，女性发出“好男人都去哪了”的悲叹，本质上并不是世间没有男性，而是没有她们愿意屈就的目标。 ### [32:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=1928s) “保时捷式一夫多妻”与婚恋市场的阶层割裂婚恋市场的头部失衡在移动互联网时代被无限放大。处于顶层 10% 的高阶男性正在享受 Scott 所谓的“保时捷式一夫多妻制”（Porsche polygamy）——他们每天晚上都能毫不费力地约到不同的优质女性。这种近乎无限的性选择权根本无法促成他们建立长久稳定的承诺，反而严重助长了短期博弈与随意态度；而与之相对的底层 50% 男性，则在繁衍市场上被彻底踢出局。 Scott 抛出了一个尖锐的观察假说让 Logan 评判：当一位女性在约会软件上与一名处于金字塔尖的高价值男性约会甚至发生性关系后，身体层面的亲密接触会给她一种极其强烈的心理暗示，误以为该层级的男性就是自己在长期伴侣市场中的“真实量级”（Weight class）。然而这些顶尖男性往往只把她当成短暂的欢愉对象，根本无意缔结婚姻。当关系无疾而终后，该女性却在心理机制上将底层 90% 的普通男性全盘划出择偶范围，认定他们配不上自己。尽管社会道德不允许他人对女性说“降低你的择偶标准”，但约会软件后台的残酷数据揭示的客观事实是：所有女性都在疯狂竞逐极少数顶端男性，将绝大多数普通男性彻底视作空气。 ### [34:27](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=2067s) 被边缘化的年轻男性、网络代父与“6英尺”身高过滤器针对 Scott 的假说，Logan 从约会软件科学总监与实战教练的视角进行了深度剖析。在实际咨询中，她一方面接触到大量精心改造资料、认真参与培训却依然感叹“无好男人可选”的优质女性；另一方面，她指导的顶尖男性客户（如初创公司 CEO）却深陷严重的选择过载与决策瘫痪（Choice paralysis），在蜂拥而至的选择中根本无法下定决心。这种高度极化的竞争让无数处于中底层的普通男性彻底被忽视，而他们的最终归宿便是遁入网络世界——沉溺于色情内容，或涌入 Reddit 等论坛，在充斥仇怨的红药丸（Red-pilled）社区中抱团取暖。社会的边缘正在大量滋生自我放逐的年轻人。英国目前已有七分之一的年轻男性处于“啃老隐居”（NEET，未就业、未就学、未受训）状态。正如 Scott 一再警示的，“世界上没有什么比年轻、贫穷、单身的男性群体更危险的了”。当数以百万计的年轻男性深感整个社会的规则被全方位操纵、自己毫无翻盘希望时，Andrew Tate 等网络极端男权代表便顺理成章地填补了精神空白。年轻男孩们在现实中寻觅不到父亲与领路人，于是在算法投喂的互联网角落认领了这些充满破坏性的“网络代父”，导致极端思潮迅速泛滥。在物理维度的筛选上，交友软件的功能设计进一步激化了这种脱节。Logan 坦承，软件的身高过滤器实际上充当了俱乐部门口的粗暴保安： - **悬殊的身高现实**：美国大量女性在软件上直接将最低身高卡死在 6 英尺（约 183 厘米）。然而在全美成年男性中，达到或超过 6 英尺的比例仅仅只有 14%。 - **自我设限的盲区**：这意味着 86% 的男性在算法的第一道关卡中就被无情屏蔽。女性一边划着屏幕绝望地抱怨“我的真命天子究竟在何方”，一边却亲手用严苛的过滤器把他们挡在视线之外。 - **教练的反向倡导**：Logan 强调没有任何实证数据表明伴侣的身高与长期婚姻幸福度存在正相关，她在辅导中极力推动女性关闭身高硬性筛选，并分享自己嫁给了一位“矮个子国王”（Short King），感叹如果当初被数字所限，就会与生命中真正的珍宝擦肩而过。 ### [36:31](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=2191s) 向上择偶与“80分男人”：社交媒体催生的完美主义陷阱在回应 Scott 提出的“性经历调整择偶认知”假说时，Logan 解释道，学术界通常更关注“同质婚配”（Assortative mating）现象，即个体内心大多对自己有相对清醒的吸引力定位，倾向于寻找与自己综合条件对等的伴侣。然而同质婚配正被深层的“向上择偶”（Hypergamy）本能彻底冲垮。当三分之二的大学毕业生为女性，而三分之一的男性大学毕业生中还有一部分会向下兼容没有大学学位的女性时，受过高等教育的女性无论在数学概率上还是现实中，都面临着向上择偶可能性的断崖式下跌。更致命的是两性在“妥协”意愿上的巨大鸿沟。调查显示： - 如果摆在面前的伴侣能满足自己 80% 的择偶设想，75% 的男性会非常爽快地接受并推进关系。 - 面对同样符合 80% 预期但有 20% 瑕疵的男性，75% 的女性会断然拒绝，认为这根本不达标。 Scott 与 Steven 随即抨击了主流媒体与社交平台长期以来的文化规训。现代流行叙事无时无刻不在给女性灌输极度苛刻的单向准则：约会时男方如果没主动帮你拉开车门、如果对父母说话的语气不够柔和，社交媒体便会异口同声地呼吁“赶紧甩了他”、“拉动弹射拉索立刻逃离”。整个舆论场充斥着“你是一位强大独立的独立女性，你根本不需要一个不完美的男人”的说辞。这种将独立自主与对伴侣微小缺陷零容忍深度捆绑的话语体系，不仅没有带来真正的亲密关系自由，反而将无数女性推向了无尽的孤立与幻灭。 ### [38:12](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=2292s) 约会软件上的数字残酷：普通男性的边缘化与疏离 Scott Galloway 指出，现代男女在情感连接上正面临严重断裂。以 Tinder 为例，一个长相处于平均水平的普通男性，通常需要右滑 200 次才能换来一次喝咖啡的约会机会；而在这类喝咖啡的邀约中，又有五分之四会被对方直接放鸽子（ghost）或临时反悔。这意味着一个普通男性平均要右滑 1000 次，才有可能真正和一个女性坐下来喝上一杯咖啡。这种极度严苛的筛选机制不断向男性传递负面信号——“女性根本不在乎我”、“女性只会让我感到被羞辱和拒绝”。在现实中备受冷落的男性转而投向网络，极易受到厌女言论或激进民族主义内容的蛊惑。这类内容告诉他们“这不是你的错”，为他们找到了归咎他人和经济环境的借口，促使他们进一步从现实社会中隐退。Scott 担忧，社会正在演变出一批全新的“无性、非社交（asexual, asocial）男性”群体；数据显示，如果一个男性到 30 岁时既没有与伴侣同居也没有结婚，他陷入药物或酒精滥用（substance abuse）的概率高达三分之一。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 约会软件中普通男性的边缘化路径 accDescr: 展示普通男性在约会软件中遭遇高频拒绝，进而演变为社会退缩与网络激进化的链条。 subgraph SWIPE["约会筛选"] A["普通男性右滑 1000 次"] --> B["仅换来 1 次实际线下咖啡见面"] end subgraph PSYCH["心理反应"] B --> C["强烈的被拒感与自我价值归零"] C --> D["在网络上接触厌女/激进民族主义言论"] end subgraph OUTCOME["社会后果"] D --> E["自我封闭、脱离现实社会"] E --> F["演化为无性/非社交群体及成瘾高风险"] end ``` - **约会软件筛选成本**：平均外貌水平的男性需右滑 1000 次才能实现一次线下喝咖啡见面。 - **健康与社会风险**：男性年满 30 岁若仍无同居伴侣或未婚，出现药物滥用问题的几率约为三分之一（1/3）。 - **长期婚姻中的初始兴趣**：在婚龄超过 30 年的夫妇中，75% 表示在刚认识时有一方的热情远高于另一方，而这个人几乎总是男方。 --- ### [39:48](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=2388s) 传统求偶场所的消失与“赢家通吃”的残酷市场长久以来，两性择偶的进化本能是女性扮演挑剔的筛选者，而男性需要特定场景来展示自己的“卓越品质”（例如幽默、体贴、工作能力、甚至体味等细节）。在过去，人们可以在大学校园、实体办公室、教堂或犹太会堂（Temple）等线下社群中自然结识并配对。然而，随着大学男性入学率下降、远程办公普及以及宗教场所参与度走低，男性展示人格魅力的物理场景荡然无存。当择偶被彻底数字化，所有标准都被压缩成了冰冷的硬指标。例如在 TikTok 上广泛流传的择偶要求：“年薪 10 万美元以上且身高 6 英尺（约 183cm）以上”，而这在全美成年男性中仅占约 2.2%。数字化择偶模式演变成了一种典型的“赢家通吃”（winner-take-most）格局：它极大偏向了极少数既英俊、高大又富有的男性，对普通男性而言是一场彻底的灾难，同时也让所有女性的择偶体验变得更差。 --- ### [41:09](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=2469s) 两性分化、权力错觉与第一重约会悖论两性在价值观与社会生活中的裂痕日益加深。在政治立场上，女性平均比男性偏自由派（liberal）30%；同时历史上首次出现了男性去教堂的比例反超女性的现象。Logan Ury 的调研显示，两性在关系中均感到被对方严重误解。当被问及“谁在亲密关系中拥有更多权力”时，42% 的人认为势均力敌，但剩下的受访者中，恰好有 46% 的男性认为“女性掌控更多权力”，同时也有 46% 的女性认为“男性掌控更多权力”——双方都觉得自己是弱势的一方。 Logan 提出了当代约会文化中的三大悖论，首先是男性面临的**情感支持悖论**：随着女性在经济上自立自强，不再需要依赖男性提供物质供养，她们对男性在“情感支持”和“情绪价值”上的要求大幅提高。然而，绝大多数男性在成长过程中从未接受过这方面的训练。女性从小在家庭中就会接受母亲更多情感词汇的熏陶，与同伴的沟通频率也远高于男性。正如 Logan 的朋友 David 所形象比喻的那样：“在情感沟通领域，女性已经读到了研究生水平，而男性才刚上小学三年级。” --- ### [42:52](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=2572s) “宁见骑士战死，不愿见其落马”：男性展露脆弱的风险伴随情感悖论而来的，是男性流露脆弱时遭遇的社会惩罚。尽管社会和女性不断呼吁男性卸下防备、展现内心，但当他们真正袒露心声时，往往会引发伴侣的排斥与恐惧。Logan 引用了知名学者 Brené Brown 的名言：“我们哀求男人敞开心扉、接纳我们走入他们的内心；可一旦他们照做了，我们又根本无法承受。”调研中甚至有男性坦言：“女人宁愿看到我死在白马之上，也不愿看到我从马上跌落下来摔得狼狈。” Logan 分享了一个真实案例：一位男士在与一位女性约会数次后，敞开心扉提及自己母亲曾尝试自杀的创伤过往，结果次日该女性便发短信提出分手，直言“我无法替你消化这些情绪创伤”。这种前后矛盾的信号让男性无所适从——女性既要求男性具备阴柔细腻的情感支持能力，又在他们显露伤口时落荒而逃。事实上，许多女性期待的是男性能够“托住自身的情绪之旅”，却并未准备好去分担男性的脆弱。 --- ### [44:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=2648s) 消费失调理论与第二杯咖啡法则针对这种现象，Scott Galloway 借用营销学中的“消费认知失调”（consumer dissonance）理论来阐释：人们“口头声称想要的”与“实际掏钱购买的”往往截然不同。在亲密关系中，女性嘴上宣称需要一个细腻、懂情绪的体贴伴侣，但在潜意识与性吸引力层面，她们依然本能地被传统男子气概所吸引。Scott 观察到，许多 50 多岁、受过高等教育的自由派单身女性，私下里依然会悄声承认“我其实还是喜欢纯爷们（manly man）”。 Logan 补充指出，当下的困局在于两性角色期待的错位与焦虑：女性承担了更多传统男性的经济角色，但因为预期自己未来依然要包揽大部分家务和育儿工作，因此拒绝降低对伴侣经济能力的要求。面对混乱的约会环境，Scott 与 Logan 分别给出了务实建议： - **Scott 对年轻男性的建议**：先审视自身是否具备吸引力——“你会想和自己做爱吗？”保持健康体魄，裸体时要有线条；即便当下不富有，也要有明确的人生规划；在生活和工作中培养自信，展现卓越与友善。 - **对女性的建议（第二杯咖啡法则 / 默认给第二次机会）**：Scott 建议女性如果初次约会感觉只是“还行”（okay），只要不令人反感，就多给对方一次喝第二杯咖啡的机会。 - **慢热型伴侣的价值**：Logan 透露自己在其著作中专门写过一章《将第二次约会设为默认选项》（Make the second date the default）。她以自己与丈夫的经历为例：两人在大学相识，七年后重逢，做了整整一年朋友后才走到一起；对方是一个极佳的伴侣和父亲，但如果仅仅依靠第一眼的感觉，他在初次约会中完全可能被直接淘汰。人们需要学会辨识并接纳那些需要时间释放魅力的“慢热型”（slow burn）伴侣。 ### [47:43](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=2863s) 女性真正看重的三大特质与男性的“秘密武器” 谈及择偶标准时，嘉宾们探讨了男性与女性在寻找伴侣时内心真正的渴望。虽然许多人嘴上表达诉求时略显迟疑，但调查显示，男女双方在被问及最看重什么以及“排在首位的特质”时，“善良与同理心”（kindness and compassion）在两边的清单上都高居第一。然而，Scott Galloway 指出，现实中女性对男性的核心吸引力标准有着非常深刻的演化根基，主要可归结为三点： 1. **传递资源信号（Signaling Resources）：** 虽然大家不愿明说，但这并不意味着年轻男性此刻就必须开着路虎（Range Rover）拥有顶配豪宅。它更关乎你是否“有清晰的人生规划”、是否把生活打理得井井有条——比如在大家通宵狂欢时，因为第二天要早起上班而选择在午夜按时回家；坚持健身以展现出高度的自律与长久承诺的能力；或者正在认真读书深造、手头有一份踏实的工作。这些都在向潜在伴侣释放一个关键信号：这个人未来一定能创造并掌握资源。Scott 认为，当下年轻男性传递“未来资源”的能力普遍下降了，但这一演化标准从未改变。 2. **智力（Intellect）：** 从本能层面看，挑选一个聪明的伴侣意味着在部落中能做出更明智的生存决策，后代存活的概率也更高。Scott 风趣地指出，展示智商最快的方式其实是“幽默感”。他开玩笑说自己对女性心理的模仿是：“哈哈大笑，哈哈大笑，然后脱掉衣服。”只要一个男人能把女人逗笑，女人往往就会愿意与他约会。 3. **善良（Kindness）——男性的秘密武器：** 这是许多男性经常搞砸或忽视的核心底牌。女性希望看到一个男人本质上是个好人：对餐厅服务员彬彬有礼、孝顺体贴父母、有教养、在没有任何利益回报预期的情况下依然善待他人。女性深知，未来当自己处于脆弱期、需要帮助、甚至在人生某些阶段无法为家庭贡献同等价值时，一个真正善良的男人才会给予依靠。男人的智力可能受限，短期内积累财富也有难度，但保持善良与教养是完全可以通过后天练习获得的“杠杆”。 --- ### [50:10](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=3010s) 重塑现代男性气质：男性互助小组（Men’s Groups）的力量面对两性关系的现状，Logan Ury 强调当前时代之所以让男性感到如此迷茫和痛苦，是因为社会缺乏对“成熟男性气质”（mature masculinity）或“进化型男性气质”的清晰定义。女性并不是想要一个毫无主见的女性化男性，而是想要一个既有担当、能够做出决断并提供生活保障，同时又具备情感沟通能力的现代成熟男性。为了培养这种能力，Logan 强烈提倡建立“男性互助小组”（Men's Groups）。她以自己的丈夫和好友 David Kwong（世界级魔术师）为例分享了一个落地样本：大约一年前，David 发起组织了一个 6 到 7 人的同辈男性小组，每月定期碰面深度沟通。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 男性互助小组运作机制 accDescr: 展示男性互助小组从问题澄清、排序分享到互助问责的闭环流程 subgraph Phase1 ["1. 独处与反思"] A["安静独处时光"] --> B["每人在便签纸写下 当前最紧迫的2个难题"] end subgraph Phase2 ["2. 倾听与探讨"] B --> C["围坐成圈轮流发言"] C --> D{"评估紧迫程度"} D -- "非紧急问题" --> E["主动让渡时间给他人"] D -- "最核心痛点" --> F["深入展开剖析与倾听"] end subgraph Phase3 ["3. 问责与成长"] F --> G["建立同辈理事会问责机制 （跟踪上月行动进展）"] G --> H["安全宣泄负面情绪 实现情感与心理突破"] end ``` 这种机制为男性创造了一个无需隐藏自我的安全空间： - **反思自省机制：** 许多男人在日常生活中从不停下来思考自己究竟在为什么挣扎。便签纸的环节迫使他们正视内心。 - **同辈问责支持：** 到了第三个月，同伴会直接指出：“你这件事已经翻来覆去说了三个月了，你到底打不打算采取行动？” - **比昂贵心理咨询更普及：** 很多人动辄建议“大家都该去做心理治疗”，但高昂的治疗费用、医保覆盖缺失以及长达数月的排队名单让大多数普通男性望而却步。男性同辈小组提供了一个自组织、低成本且极具凝聚力的“同辈理事会”（Council of Peers）。 - **真实案例转化：** 发起人 David 曾因母亲患上严重的慢性疾病而内心积压了巨大的愤怒，此前他在潜意识中甚至把这股火气撒在母亲身上；通过在男性小组这一唯一的安全港湾彻底宣泄愤怒，他最终释怀并学会了用同理心面对母亲。Logan 的丈夫也在此剖析过职场上的自负心理，以及初为人父过程中的剧烈震荡与不适。 Scott 对此深表赞同，并指出如今纽约大学斯特恩商学院（NYU Stern）的走廊里贴满了各类女性扶持团体（如 Golden Seeds 风投俱乐部、女性风投协会、黑人女性咨询俱乐部等），却几乎看不到任何专门为男性设立的支持组织。虽然历史上人们对“男性聚会”（如帮派、火把集会等极端场景）存在天然戒备，但在当今时代，像 ManTalks 这类强调互相支撑的同辈网络，正是男性自我重塑的重要基石。 - Logan 强调每个人都该建立自己的“私人董事会”（Board of Directors），正如她在面临换工作或搬家等重大人生决策时，都会召集这一智囊团来直言不讳地指出自己的认知盲区。 --- ### [54:46](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=3286s) 商业赞助环节：Shopify Steven Bartlett 在对话中插入了赞助商 Shopify 的介绍。他回顾自己 20 岁初次创业时既无经验也无资金，唯一的优势就是拥有想法并敢于迅速行动。商业中最沉重的成本从来不是失败，而是在犹豫、过度内耗以及等待完美时机中浪费掉的宝贵光阴。Shopify 为创业者提供数千个现成模版，免去了代码与设计门槛，并打通全渠道销售、物流结算与税务后台，让创业者能专心拓展业务。 --- ### [55:40](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=3340s) 男友群的“互损战壕”与幽默对深层情感的防御回到男性社交的现实话题，Steven 分享了年轻男性在表达情感时的巨大阻碍：哪怕面对最要好的哥们，直接袒露脆弱也是极其困难的，大家往往下意识地退回彼此“互损”（roast each other）的舒适区。 Steven 坦言，自己的男生群聊在情绪开放度上已经算相对超前的，但日常状态依然像个“火线战场”——充斥着彼此挖苦、攻击和开玩笑，而这其实是男性之间一种笨拙的表达爱意的方式。只有在每隔几周发生重大变故时（例如某位朋友的伴侣在怀孕检查中发现了并发症），整个群的画风才会瞬间转变，所有人立刻切换成毫无保留的情感后盾。Steven 的女友曾感慨这种能够在“嘴贱互黑”与“深度情感支持”之间无缝切换的男性小圈子有多么罕见，因为绝大多数年轻男性根本没有这样的宣泄口。 Logan 补充道，这种现象在男性聚会中极其普遍。在她丈夫的互助小组里，由于好几位成员天生极具幽默感，大家后来不得不把“克制开玩笑”作为一项严肃议题提上台面。幽默往往会成为一种逃避深刻体验的心理防御机制：当大家刚准备触碰某个内心极其沉重的脆弱话题时，冷不丁有人甩出一个非常精彩的段子，全场哄堂大笑之后，原本要深挖的严肃情绪就被彻底打断，再也无法深入下去了。学会放下段子、忍受沉默与脆弱，是男性真正迈向情感成熟的关键功课。 ### [56:46](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=3406s) 男性社交的历史演变与现代孤独危机 Logan Ury 指出，Steven 能够拥有一个支持性的同伴小群体来探讨深度问题、反思自我，这绝非偶然，因为他每周投入大量时间深度思考并与人交流；然而对于普通男性来说，拥有这样的群体简直是奢望。许多女性看到这一幕时也会感叹：“我真希望我丈夫也能有这样的圈子。”这引发了一个关于进化生物学与社会史的深刻探讨：人类过去是否一直拥有“男性小组”，而如今这项社会职能又是何时缺失的？从演化角度来看，男性更习惯于“并肩协作”（side-by-side）而非面对面（face-to-face）交流，就像祖先在稀树草原上一同守望，或者现代男性更自在地在开车时敞开心扉。在过去的社会架构中，男性拥有各种实体社会组织——教会社团、麋鹿会（The Elks Club）等兄弟会性质俱乐部、退伍军人协会等。然而现代社会中，男性线下面对面的聚合急剧萎缩。关于孤独感的各项研究证实，年轻男性每周与同伴面对面相处的时间大幅锐减。尽管许多人认为在网络游戏中联机聊天就是社交，但这与真实的人际连接相去甚远；如今无数年轻人整日沉溺于 TikTok 或 Twitch 平台，仅仅在屏幕后“围观”别人的生活。 --- ### [58:33](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=3513s) 男性友谊中的脆弱障碍与伴侣的“护栏”作用 Scott Galloway 分享了自己的经历：他至今仍与大学一年级在 UCLA 宿舍同住的 8 名老友保持紧密联系，这段友谊跨越了三四十年，如今大家每天都在 WhatsApp 群组中热烈互动。但他指出，传统男性友谊存在一个普遍短板——当朋友遭遇母亲去世或离婚等变故时，同伴们会展现同理心与支持，但几乎从未有人会主动坦白：“我很抑郁”、“我极度孤独”、“我深受愤怒困扰”或是“我突然患上了勃起功能障碍”。男性往往不愿主动袒露脆弱，因为演化本能让他们隐隐担忧：一旦展露软弱，可能会招致竞争对手的取代与掠夺，或者失去女性的性吸引力。对于二十多岁的年轻男性而言，一位伴侣往往承担了人生中最重要的“董事会”（Board of Directors）角色。Scott 坦承自己在 24 岁时拥有一个出色的女友，对方曾严肃通牒：“如果你不戒掉每天晚上吸大麻的习惯，我就不再跟你做爱。”这成了他改过自新的最大动力。没有恋爱关系的护栏与约束，年轻男性很容易在生活中彻底失控迷失。女性通常更擅长在恋爱之外建立丰富的社会支持网络，单身时往往能将精力投入到友情与职业追求中；相反，失去亲密关系的男性更容易彻底滑向电子游戏、Reddit 论坛和色情内容的深渊。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 伴侣对男性行为的护栏机制对比 accDescr: 对比男性在有伴侣约束和无伴侣状态下的行为演变路径 subgraph WithPartner ["有亲密伴侣的男性"] A["伴侣设立生活底线与期望"] --> B["生活获得清晰'护栏'约束"] B --> C["提升抱负、规律作息与社交"] end subgraph WithoutPartner ["缺乏伴侣护栏的年轻男性"] D["缺乏外部现实反馈与约束"] --> E["现实社交动力减退"] E --> F["沉溺于色情、游戏与网络论坛"] end ``` - **恋爱与单身数据落差**：在美国，30岁以下男性中仅有约三分之一（1/3）拥有女友；而同龄女性中却有约三分之二（2/3）拥有男友。这并非统计学错误，而是因为更多年轻女性选择向上寻找经济条件与情感心智更为成熟的年长男性。 - **发展后果差异**：研究和现实表明，失去恋爱关系前景与经历的男性，其综合生活水准与心理状态的恶化程度远甚于单身女性。 --- ### [01:01:01](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=3661s) 亲密关系技能断层与两性“共同抚育” 针对 Scott 的观点，Logan Ury 坦言第一反应是这听起来像在要求女性承担“抚养并重塑成年男性”的情感劳动。但从自身婚姻经验来看，长达十年的伴侣关系确实是一种深刻的互相塑造与“共同抚育”。例如其丈夫会发短信感谢她教会了他如何成为精明的旅行者，彼此的磨合让双方的生活变得更好（即“一加一等于三”）。然而，当前整个社会的亲密关系正在形成巨大的断层，年轻人建立伴侣关系的比例急剧萎缩： - **青少年恋爱比例腰斩**：在婴儿潮一代（Baby Boomers）与 X 世代（Gen X）时期，大约四分之三（75%）的男性在青少年时期谈过恋爱；而在当下的年轻世代中，这一比例已跌破 50%。 - **交往经验与“红旗”标签**：亲密关系技能如同肌肉，需要从早年开始历练打磨。如果一个人到了 30 岁从未经历过一段正式恋爱，在当今婚恋市场上往往会被许多人直接视作重大警示信号（Red Flag）。 --- ### [01:02:32](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=3752s) 色情与 AI 虚拟伴侣如何剥夺男性的现实动力 Scott 引用斯坦福大学成瘾问题专家 Anna Lembke 博士的研究，指出无处不在的网络色情正在毁灭年轻一代的婚恋动机。回想大学时期，Scott 虽然仅以 2.27 的 GPA 勉强毕业（低于 1.97 就会被退学），但驱使他坚持每天去 UCLA 校园的最大动力，就是渴望结交朋友以及邂逅潜在的恋爱伴侣。正是这种对爱情和性吸引力的渴求，逼迫着男性走出家门、去克服恐惧、忍受拒绝、好好洗澡收拾仪表、努力提升自我展现卓越。而全球资金最雄厚、技术最顶尖的科技巨头，如今却通过算法与屏幕向年轻一代贩卖高度逼真的现实替代品。“无摩擦、零门槛、即时满足”的网络色情正在彻底抽空年轻男性的精气神（Mojo）与生命斗志。 Logan 提到了以戒除自慰为核心的“NoFap”（戒色社群），并回忆起自己大学毕业后的第一份工作恰恰是在 Google 的色情广告部门（Porn Pod，现已取缔）负责向色情网站销售广告业务，当时甚至被父母调侃“送你去哈佛念书，结果毕业去卖色情广告”。展望未来，技术对真实人际关系的侵蚀将变得更为致命： - **算法与虚拟伴侣的无摩擦陷阱**：在现实生活中，夫妻关系充满摩擦与妥协（例如 Logan 每周都会因为丈夫随手乱扔隐形眼镜而争论）；但在 Replika 等宣称能提供“完美 AI 男友/女友”的产品中，虚拟伴侣永远温顺顺从、全天候秒回、极尽吹捧夸赞。 - **性爱机器人与情感投射的结合**：当高度逼真的 AI 伴侣满足了男性的精神需求，性爱机器人与网络色情彻底承包了生理需求，年轻男性将彻底失去忍受真实社交挫败与拒绝的勇气，社会的真实繁衍与连接机制将面临前所未有的瓦解危机。 ### [01:06:01](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=3961s) 择偶能力即生存能力与 Z 世代的抗挫力危机 Scott Galloway 警告称，如果当前的趋势继续蔓延，全社会将面临极为严峻的生育率骤降危机，并直接危及未来数代人。这种危机不仅会冲击宏观经济，更关乎个人一生的成败——因为一个人在择偶婚恋市场（mating market）中所需磨砺的能力，本质上全都是至关重要的生存技能。要找到伴侣，你必须学会忍受被拒绝的痛苦、培养幽默感，并敏锐地察言观色、读懂空气。正如他所言："show me a guy who's good in a bar, I'll show you a guy who will probably be good in a boardroom"（如果一个男人能在酒吧里游刃有余，他在董事会会议室里大概率也能如鱼得水）。年轻时期为了追求浪漫与性关系而磨砺出的这些能力，将在后半生持续带来红利；若未能在年轻时习得，人生的诸多维度都将受到损害。 Logan Ury 紧接着指出，这种心理韧性的匮乏已成为 Z 世代（Gen Z）的普遍特征。她在疫情后对英美两国年轻男女约会群体进行了大量调查，发现年轻一代最为突出的盲区就是完全丧失了“抗拒挫败的韧性”（rejection resilience）。这种现象已不仅局限于约会，而是渗透到了生活与职场的各个角落。布朗大学（Brown University）的前任院长兼教授曾向她分享，过去教授的答疑时间（office hours）几乎无人问津，老师可以安静看书或玩单人纸牌；但现在的学生成群结队而来，直白地要求：“请精准告诉我期末考会考什么、论文到底该写哪几个字”，因为他们完全承受不了失败的风险。Logan 在 Google 担任管理者的朋友也提到，主管只是在 Google Doc 里留了几条工作批注，下属员工就忍不住当场崩溃痛哭，将客观反馈直接等同于毁灭性的打击与否定。 Logan 强调，如果一个人在成长过程中没有建立起承受失败的心理防护盾，他就永远不敢冒险，然而“生活中所有值得拥有的东西，都必须冒着风险去争取”。她以自身经历举例，她现在虽然拥有梦寐以求的研究工作，但 LinkedIn 上从未有人凭空发私信邀请她研究恋爱行为学，这完全是她自己开辟出来的职业道路。亲密关系亦是如此：幸福从来不是消极等待一个完美无瑕的人降临，而是努力让自己蜕变成一个富有吸引力、值得被选择的优秀个体，并鼓起勇气主动出击，争取自己想要的生活。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 择偶技能转化为核心社会能力的演进逻辑 accDescr: 展示在约会与社交中培养的抗挫力、幽默感与察言观色能力，如何最终外化为职场胜任力与个人成长。 subgraph MatingArena["择偶与社交训练场"] A["直面被拒风险 (Rejection)"] B["磨练幽默感与同理心"] C["阅读空气与社交感知 (Read the Room)"] end subgraph CoreResilience["心理与行为资产转化"] D["抗挫韧性 (Rejection Resilience)"] E["主动出击与敢于冒险的心态"] end subgraph RealWorldSuccess["全方位人生红利"] F["职场竞争力与领导力 (Boardroom Ready)"] G["健康的亲密关系与高情商生活"] end MatingArena --> CoreResilience CoreResilience --> RealWorldSuccess ``` --- ### [01:07:51](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=4071s) 色情泛滥、孤独困境与 Scott 的“时间资本重构法” Steven Bartlett 引入了一位年轻男性听众的来信：该青年深陷极度孤独之中，为此不惜花费逾 1,000 美元在线付费雇佣女性仅为了陪自己聊天作伴，随后又额外花去数千美元购买后续线上服务；然而持续一年后，内心仍感到难以言喻的空虚与痛苦。与此同时，全网流量约有 30% 与色情内容相关，其中男性用户占 80%，女性用户占 20%（Steven 补充说，此前节目讨论该话题时，获赞最高的评论是一位女性指出很多女性同样深受色情成瘾困扰）。研究表明，色情片消费量的大幅上升与抑郁症发病率呈高度正相关。但 Steven 质疑，对那些既孤独、没有伴侣又无法获得正常性生活的底层年轻男性而言，简单地劝诫“克制欲望、戒除色情”无异于杯水车薪，这种道德说教本身就是极度低劣的解决方案。面对这一死结，Scott Galloway 分享了他长期一对一指导迷茫年轻人的实操体系。他同时辅导两到三名年轻人，开宗明义地告诉对方：“成熟男性的优势在于金钱资本，而年轻人的最大资本就是时间”。他从不站在道德高地上空洞指责——他坦率承认自己至今依然会违背常理去买高风险看涨期权赌博，偶尔也会看色情片（但在努力调控用量，以确保把绝大部分性能量倾注在现实伴侣身上）。他让这些迷茫青年当场解锁手机，调出“屏幕使用时间”（Screen Time）界面。几乎每一次，仅在 TikTok 或各类无休止的信息流中，就能轻而易举地找出 8 到 12 个小时、甚至 15 个小时纯粹虚度的垃圾时间。Scott 将这些时间定性为亟待盘活的“核心资本”，并强制要求他们将这笔时间重新配置到三个高 ROI（投资回报率）的维度： 1. **重塑体魄与力量（每周 3 次举重）**：三十岁以下的年轻男性应当把身体练得足够强壮，能够昂首挺胸走入任何房间，拥有保护自己和掌控局面的力量。强壮的体格会带来更高的睾酮水平、更健康的骨骼肌肉与精神状态，真正健壮的男人往往更和善，并在现实中挺身而出制止纷争、保卫家园。 2. **启动现实赚钱机制（哪怕从微薄收入做起）**：许多被他指导的 23 岁年轻人整日与母亲同住且冲突不断，毫无方向。Scott 严厉要求他们只要有一部手机就必须去赚钱，不管是跑 Lyft 还是做 TaskRabbit。因为“赚大钱的第一步是先体验到赚小钱的滋味”，一旦尝到靠双手换取报酬的甜头，贪图物质与美好生活的原动力（greed gland）就会被激活，进而才会主动思考如何学门手艺（如水管工认证）、贷款买车组建车队等进阶路径，从而自食其力去买一张演唱会门票、去真正消费社交。 3. **将肉体置于超越自我的陌生人圈子中（每周 2 次线下暴露）**：强制要求他们每周两次去参加教会、垒球联盟或慈善义工组织，把自己置身于陌生人群体与宏大集体中。在此基础上，Scott 设计了关键的 **“3A 练习”——刻意追求被拒绝的脱敏脱壳训练**。Scott 回顾自己的一生就是一部被拒绝的血泪史：大学连续三年竞选班长全部落选；找工作海投 38 家公司只拿到 1 份 Offer；申请 9 所研究生院被 7 所无情拒之门外。他之所以成功，正是因为被拒绝了成百上千次依然屹立不倒。因此，他命令学员在线下活动中必须主动走向一位陌生人发出线下邀约——找男性就约喝咖啡或去酒吧看利物浦足球赛；找女性就试着聊两句并邀约喝杯咖啡。这项任务的唯一核心指标不是成功，而是“拿到一个体面的拒绝（NO）”： - 学员完成搭讪后必须给 Scott 打电话汇报； - 对方八成会礼貌婉拒，Scott 此时只问一句：“你现在人还好吗？” - 当学员回答“我还好”的那一瞬间，脱敏训练就达成了真正的胜利。 --- ### [01:13:01](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=4381s) 后 #MeToo 时代的搭讪困境与“约会娱乐化”的羞辱陷阱 Steven 对此提出了极具现实痛点的反思：在当下的社交网络生态中，男性的现实搭讪正面临巨大的舆论绞杀。在 TikTok 或 X（原 Twitter）上，经常能刷到大量健身房女性拍摄的短视频：镜头对准自己练臀或举铁，一旦有男性走上前询问是否需要辅助或礼貌搭话，该画面就会被直接截取上传到社交网络，冠以“下头猥琐男搭讪骚扰”之名进行全网公开处刑与人肉网暴。在人人随时架着手机拍摄、稍有不慎就会被扣上“变态（creepy）”帽子 viral 传播的恐慌氛围下，年轻男性在现实中根本无法确知究竟该在何时、何地、以何种尺度与异性开启交流。 Logan 深入剖析了当下的“第二重约会悖论”（The Second Dating Paradox）： - 第一重悖论是女性因经济独立而对男性在情感价值与精神层面上提出了前所未有的高要求，但男性从未接受过这方面的系统教育； - 第二重悖论则是，社会在文化上依旧期盼男性展现男子气概、扮演主动发起进攻与邀约的一方，但置身于后 #MeToo 时代（Post-MeToo Era），现实社交的潜规则变得极其混乱而危险。 Logan 直言，当代年轻男女普遍厌烦了冷冰冰的交友软件，渴望“在现实生活中（IRL）邂逅真爱”；但现实中几乎无人迈出第一步。男性普遍陷入双重恐惧：一是害怕被直接扣上骚扰猥琐的道德枷锁；二是被当成了社交媒体上的“约会娱乐化”（dater-tainment）素材工具人。大量年轻女性一方面在社交媒体上公开抱怨“为什么现实中没有男人敢来搭讪我”，另一方面却在男性鼓起勇气走上前时，将其行为拍成视频发网公开羞辱。Logan 认为要打破这一僵局，整个社会必须重新建立宽容的边界——允许并鼓励年轻人以得体、真诚的方式在现实生活中勇敢表达好感（shoot their shot）。 ### [01:14:27](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=4467s) 线下搭讪的消失与年轻男性的社交退缩讨论从一个微妙的社会现实切入：搭讪时被视作“搭讪”还是“性骚扰／令人毛骨悚然”（creepy），在很大程度上取决于搭讪者的外貌吸引力。Scott Galloway 直言不讳地指出，如果一个身高 6 英尺 4 英寸（约 193 厘米）且相貌英俊的男人主动上前，大多数人会觉得这很浪漫，因此“令人反感”与“浪漫邂逅”之间的界线，往往取决于主动方外在吸引力的高低。Logan Ury 承认外形出众确实能降低被视为冒犯的概率，但更严峻的问题在于：大量女性在社交媒体上呼吁“希望在现实中被男人搭讪”，而在真实世界中这种互动却几乎彻底绝迹。去年夏天所谓的“跑团热潮”（Run Clubs）被广泛吹捧为取代约会软件的新型社交阵地，但 Logan 调查了几乎所有参加者，得到的回答都是“没有人真的在那里脱单”。现实是，自 2017 年以来，线上交友已经稳居人们相遇方式的榜首，Hinge 每两秒钟就能促成一场约会。如果年轻人渴望重返线下，就必须有人迈出走向对方的第一步。然而绝大多数女性依然根深蒂固地期待男方采取主动。此时 Scott 抛出了一组来自皮尤研究中心（Pew Research）令人脊背发凉的数据：在 18 至 24 岁的年轻男性中，超过 50% 的人“从未在现实生活中约过女生”。这个数字让 Scott 感到震动与沮丧，这意味着半数年轻男性要么完全退出了约会市场，要么只能将所有尝试压缩到扁平的线上平台——而在屏幕背后，他们独特的个人魅力、幽默感、甚至是体味和眼神接触等人类吸引力的核心要素，都根本无法得到展现。为了改变这种局面，Scott 呼吁社会建立更多的“第三空间”，甚至建议在高中毕业年开设一门名为“成人之道”（Adulting）的必修课：不仅要教信用卡利率等基本财务常识，更要教会年轻男孩如何在确保对方感到安全的前提下体面地表达好感。他们必须明白，礼貌地邀请女孩喝杯咖啡即使被拒绝，也不是什么“反人类罪”，只要保持尊重，双方都不会受到任何实质性伤害。 - **搭讪方式的线上垄断**：自 2017 年起，线上约会已成为情侣相识的头号途径，Hinge 平台平均每两秒撮合一次约会。 - **皮尤数据警钟**：18 至 24 岁的男性中，有超过 50% 从未在现实中当面向女性发出过约会邀请。 - **“第三空间”与成年教育匮乏**：缺乏现实交流场景和基本社交技巧培训，导致年轻男性对表达浪漫兴趣充满过度恐惧。 --- ### [01:16:43](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=4603s) 风险厌恶时代：社交退化、戒酒风潮与全景监控 Logan 接着分享了一个极具代表性的案例：一位 16 岁的女孩利用各类关系科学的研究成果，开发了一款名为“Ask Elle”的 AI 聊天机器人，旨在为青少年提供安全可靠的情感指导。当 Logan 询问该产品上用户提出最多的问题是什么时，女孩给出的答案令人心酸——“到底该怎么向别人发出约会邀请”。Logan 指出，历史上各个时代的年轻人从来没有掌握什么天赐的求爱秘诀，他们只是敢于去尝试并承担失败的代价；而如今的 Z 世代和 Alpha 世代不仅丧失了这种勇气，还在成长过程中经历了巨大的社交断层。新冠疫情期间的线上封控让这代人失去了学习“如何成为一个社会人”的关键窗口，这种社交技能的退化已全面蔓延至职场与日常生活。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 现代年轻人社交风险厌恶的形成因素 accDescr: 解释社交媒体监控、健康风潮、疫情隔离与数字依赖如何共同推高社交门槛并抑制冒险行为 subgraph SocietalShifts["社会环境剧变"] A["智能手机与全景式监控文化 （害怕犯错被曝光发网）"] B["疫情隔离与数字生活成瘾 （错失核心社交训练窗口）"] end subgraph BehavioralChanges["行为模式退缩"] C["饮酒量暴跌与无酒精文化 （失去润滑剂与犯错冲动）"] D["延迟考驾照、晚破处、极度厌恶风险"] end subgraph DatingConsequences["择偶生态恶化"] E["线下搭讪与邀约能力全面归零"] F["现实情侣数量持续断崖式下跌"] end A --> D B --> E C --> D D --> E E --> F ``` 随后，Scott 抛出了一个更具争议性的观察：年轻人交往机会减少的一个幕后推手，是“年轻人喝的酒太少了”。千禧一代每年在酒精上的花费曾高达 300 亿美元，而 Z 世代已大幅跳水至仅 20 亿美元。在 Peter Attia 和 Andrew Huberman 等健康博主对酒精宣战的大环境下，社会过于追求绝对清醒。Scott 直言年轻时代的大多数挚友和浪漫契机，背后都有适度饮酒作为“社交润滑剂”打破尴尬和防备。Logan 对此补充道，Z 世代对酒精冷淡固然出于对次日焦虑（hangxiety）和健康的担忧，但更广泛的本质是“整体风险厌恶”：他们更晚甚至不再考驾照，推迟发生初次性行为，并且生活在高清手机镜头无处不在的“全景监控文化”中。年轻人时刻担心自己的失态被拍下传上 Instagram，于是选择极度自保与谨慎——然而约会与求偶的核心本质，恰恰就是冒险、犯错与接纳失败。 - **酒精消费暴跌**：年轻人饮酒总支出从千禧一代的 300 亿美元暴跌至 Z 世代的 20 亿美元，削弱了传统打破社交隔阂的催化剂。 - **风险行为全面延后**：考取驾照年龄推迟、初体验推迟，对不确定性的容忍度降至历史低点。 - **社交监控压力**：随时可能被拍摄并上传社交网络的外部审视，让年轻人彻底放弃了在线下“大胆一试”的意愿。 --- ### [01:19:57](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=4797s) 男性的择偶突围之道与“衣橱伴侣测试” 面对大批自怨自艾的年轻男性，Steven 询问 Logan 应该如何有效提升自身的“择偶价值”。Logan 指出，幸福或成功的秘诀往往“原理极其简单，但执行异常艰难”。她以播客《My First Million》主播、Hustle 创始人 Sam Parr 为例：Sam 在年轻时通过深挖独特的热情（比如对顶级牛仔裤的痴迷并参加圈内线下交流会）并在约会时充满激情地分享，成功展现出极强的个人吸引力；更重要的是他展现出强大的“成长型思维”，这让当时收入远超他的妻子 Sarah 看到了他未来的无限潜能。Logan 强调，男性群体往往陷入了一种认知误区，认为自己必须“身高超过 6 英尺且完美无瑕”才配进入约会市场。事实上，绝大多数女性并不需要男方提供登月般的浪漫宏图，她们真正渴求的是“持续的用心”（effort）——记住她闺蜜的名字、在她经历了一场艰难的会议后发短信问一句“一切还顺利吗”，或是精心策划一次约会。男性只要做到这些基本的人性化细节，就能瞬间击败 90% 毫无作为的竞争对手。为了帮助人们评估伴侣在自己生命中的真实意涵，Logan 现场分享了自己书中设计的一个直觉心理测试：“如果你现在的伴侣是你衣橱里的一件衣服，他们会是什么？”Scott 脱口而出两个答案：一件是在盛装打扮约会时穿的“黑色丝绸衬衫”，让他感觉自己处在最佳状态；另一件则是用来形容他妻子的“Brunello Cucinelli 羊绒 V 领毛衣”，象征着极致的美感、品质与让他变得更加出色。Logan 则分享了她对丈夫的定义——一件明亮舒适的“橙色睡袍”，象征着温馨的家庭时光。这番温馨的对比引得现场一阵欢笑，Scott 自嘲自己的答案显得太“肤浅奢华”，而 Logan 的橙色睡袍则充满了家庭的踏实与温情，但二者都生动印证了一个真理：优质的关系，始终是让人在其中感到被托举、被温暖与安心。 - **热情与成长型思维**：培养深度的个人爱好并保持自我迭代，是向伴侣传递未来潜力的核心信号。 - **付诸努力胜于追求完美**：比起身高与财富等硬性门槛，及时的情感回应、细节关注与精心策划能为男性带来巨大的竞争优势。 - **“衣橱伴侣测试”**： - **Scott Galloway 的视角**：黑色丝绸衬衫（约会仪式感、自身最好状态）与 Brunello Cucinelli 羊绒毛衣（伴侣带来的提升与质感）。 - **Logan Ury 的视角**：温暖鲜艳的橙色居家睡袍（代表家庭时光的安心与归属感）。 ### [01:23:11](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=4991s) 衣橱隐喻与“关系选购”心态洛根·乌里（Logan Ury）延续了对约会心态的剖析，并以一件具体的日常物品作为隐喻。她指出，当询问人们“如果你是衣橱里的一件衣服，你会是什么”时，回答“外套”的人往往状态极佳，因为这象征着你感到温暖、展现出最自信体面的自己——“我觉得自己棒极了”。相反，真正令她担忧的回答是“一件摸起来很舒服的羊毛衫，但太扎人了所以我把它脱掉了”，或者“去健身房穿的破烂旧 T 恤”；这些都是她在咨询中听到的真实答案。多年来她常问人们“你希望伴侣是怎样的衣服”，而现在她更想反问每个人：“如果你是自己衣橱里的一件衣服，你到底是什么？” 很多人在相亲择偶时列出了长长的清单，抱怨找不到符合期望的对象，但洛根直言，大家应该照照镜子问问自己：“你身上具备这些品质吗？”如果一个人觉得自己只是一件破破烂烂、甚至连自己都不想穿的旧运动衫，那就该先把精力放在自我提升上。现代人常常把找伴侣当成在电商网站上买蓝牙耳机一样进行“关系选购”（relation shop），把活生生的人拆解成各项冰冷的功能参数；与其花费大把时间去苛求伴侣的清单，不如多花心思审视自我——“我究竟是谁？我是一个值得被选择的人吗？” --- ### [01:24:14](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=5054s) 成功女性的择偶困境与非单偶制现象当史蒂文·巴特利特（Steven Bartlett）问及在当下的婚恋市场中，究竟哪一类女性群体挣扎得最痛苦时，洛根根据她的高端咨询客群以及拥有 85,000 名读者的时事通讯反馈给出了答案：处于金字塔顶端的高薪、成功女性群体面临着巨大的择偶壁垒。大量女性反馈称，男性嘴上说不在乎，但现实中极易被女方的高收入所吓退；女方越优秀、越成功，男性的自尊心受到的威胁感就越强。洛根身边的朋友甚至邻居中，越来越多女性选择成为“主动选择的单身母亲”（Single Mother by Choice）——因为实在找不到合适的伴侣，又渴望拥有孩子，最终决定独自生育抚养。史蒂文询问这是否意味着女性越成功，就越难找到不被其成就击垮男子气概的伴侣。洛根认为这并不存在绝对正相关，有些男性乐意结成强强联合的“权力夫妇”（power couple），但优秀男性的稀缺感确实普遍存在。她以自己居住的旧金山湾区为例，观察到多边恋/非独占性多边关系（polyamory）正在激增。虽然洛根对探索新型关系结构持开放包容态度（鉴于 50% 的传统婚姻以离婚收场，一刀切的婚姻模式确实千疮百孔），但这种趋势也折射出极端的供需失衡：在一次约会活动中，现场有 5 位极为优秀的单身女性在朋友的助威下亮相，而现场仅有的 2 位男性却全都是多边恋实践者——当优质男性意识到自己奇货可居时，他们便开始反问：“我为什么非得从一而终只选一个？” ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 成功女性在现代婚恋市场面临的现实困境与路径选择 accDescr: 流程图展示了优秀高薪女性在择偶时遇到的男性心理威胁与资源错配，进而催生出非传统生育与关系模式。 A["高薪、高成就女性"] --> B{"传统约会市场阻力"} B -->|"男性产生心理威胁"| C["难以匹配势均力敌且不自卑的伴侣"] B -->|"优质单身男性极度稀缺"| D["湾区等高知群体中多边恋（Polyamory）盛行"] C --> E["路径分化"] D --> E E --> F["主动选择的单身母亲（SMBC） 独立生育抚养"] E --> G["陷入长期等待与妥协博弈"] ``` --- ### [01:26:17](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=5177s) 顶层男性的选择瘫痪与年龄博弈洛根直言，对于极具吸引力的顶级男性而言，现在或许是前所未有的黄金时代，但海量的选择并不利于培养良好行为或建立长期稳定关系。许多坐拥大量性资源与关注度的顶尖男性表面上令人羡慕，背地里却饱受“决策瘫痪”（decision paralysis）的折磨。他们一路拖延到 40 岁甚至 42 岁，依然未婚未育，秉持着“既然不用定下来，我为何要收心”的心态；然而他们忽视了沉重的时间机会成本——与伴侣共同构筑人生的岁月流逝了，每推迟一年要孩子，意味着孩子未来生命中失去父母陪伴的时间就多了一年。斯科特·加洛韦（Scott Galloway）从残酷的现实竞争角度补充道，高社会地位男性的底气在于“时间站在他们这一边”，因为生物学与数学逻辑对女性是极为不公平的：一个 30 岁、高收入且相貌尚可的男性，到了 40 岁时其性资本与吸引力往往不仅不减，反而水涨船高。但洛根提出了不同维度的观察：根据她在约会软件与咨询实务中的数据，40 岁其实是一道分水岭；当有魅力的女性将匹配年龄上限死死卡在 40 岁时，大龄男性的算法收益会断崖式下跌，特别是如果一个男性年过四十却从未有过长期的认真恋爱史，这在女性眼中往往会被视作一个极大的“危险警号”（clear red flag）。 - **多边恋现象的反思**：优质单身资源极度向少数高吸引力男性倾斜，导致部分男性放弃专一承诺，转向同时维系多段关系。 - **选择瘫痪的代价**：过多的可选项让顶级男性产生“永远能选到更好”的幻觉，从而错失组建家庭与陪伴子女成长的黄金年龄。 - **年龄与性资本的边界**：虽然高地位男性能在 30 多岁维持吸引力溢价，但一旦跨过 40 岁门槛且缺乏长期情感记录，在严肃择偶端将面临显著的边际递减效应。 --- ### [01:28:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=5280s) 中场赞助：Intuit 与 Perfect Ted 节目进入中场，史蒂文依次插入了两段商业赞助口播： - **Intuit 招聘倡议**：史蒂文强调，想要做出卓越成就必须置身于顶尖环境。赞助商 Intuit 正在打造由数据与 AI 驱动的专家平台，旗下拥有 TurboTax、Credit Karma、QuickBooks 和 Mailchimp 等知名产品，帮助全球约 1 亿消费者与小微企业优化财务状况。公司注重以快速实验解决复杂问题的使命驱动型文化，并在亚特兰大、纽约、圣地亚哥、旧金山湾区、多伦多等地提供混合办公岗位，技术人才可通过访问 `intuit.com/careers` 了解空缺职位。 - **Perfect Ted 抹茶**：史蒂文分享了全球范围内掀起的抹茶风潮，并提到自己向赞助品牌 Perfect Ted 投资了超过七位数（百万英镑级别）。该品牌不仅向 Blank Street Coffee、Joe & The Juice 等全球知名连锁咖啡店供货，还推出了可在家数秒内冲饮的风味抹茶粉。其选用源自日本的仪式级（ceremonial grade）抹茶，口感顺滑、自然回甘，彻底打破了传统抹茶苦涩发涩的刻板印象。产品已进驻英国各大商超（Tesco、Sainsbury's、Holland & Barrett、Waitrose）、荷兰 Albert Heijn 以及美国亚马逊平台，官方商城下单使用代码“STEVEN40”可享首单六折。 --- ### [01:30:13](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=5413s) 女权主义的兴起与“兼顾一切”的神话回到讨论，史蒂文将话题引向深层社会结构：女权主义的崛起在这一系列婚恋与家庭变局中扮演了什么角色？他提到上一期播客请到的一位拥有三十年从业经验的儿童心理学家，对方抛出了一套引发深思的观点——女权主义运动在赋予女性前所未有自主权的同时，也在某些层面辜负了男性与女性。这位专家坚信婴儿生命的前两年母亲必须在场陪伴，史蒂文最初对此深表怀疑并进行了事实核查，但研究表明：在此期间母亲分泌的特定激素对婴儿构筑安全感至关重要，而父亲的角色则会激发婴儿体内的另一套与冒险、探索相关的激素机制。心理学家指出，现代社会对女性撒下了一个巨大的谎言——声称女性可以“兼顾一切”（have it all），既能拥有光芒四射的巅峰事业，又能成为面面俱到的完美母亲；结果导致许多女性到了 39 岁坐在心理咨询室里，疲于尝试试管婴儿（IVF），在心力交瘁中感到自己被时代画下的大饼彻底欺骗。史蒂文借用斯科特的名言反问：“你可以拥有一切，只是无法在同一时间全部拥有。”斯科特对此苦涩赞同，他指出撇开激素平衡的理想理论不谈，现实世界异常残酷：他的伴侣当年在双胞胎幼子尚小的时候供职于高盛（Goldman Sachs），每天清晨 5 点就得挣扎起床赶去高压工作，那种被事业与母职反复拉扯的生活，对她而言不折不扣就是一场“人间地狱”。 ### [01:31:42](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=5502s) 金钱与男性身份的绑定：提供者角色的现代焦虑讨论切入到男性内心深处最隐秘也最普遍的焦虑——金钱与自我价值的深度捆绑。Scott Galloway 直言，自己年轻时在经济上举步维艰，而他作为男人的全部身份认同几乎完全被金钱所定义，尽管他并不为此感到骄傲。Steven Bartlett 极为认同这一观点，并坦言男性极少公开承认这一点。Steven 分享了一个刚刚发生在奥斯汀（Austin）的真实细节：团队为他预订了一间非常普通标准的酒店，他自己住时完全不在意；但得知相恋七年的女友当晚要飞来相聚时，他的第一反应竟是恐慌，立刻觉得必须升级去更好的豪华酒店或高档 Airbnb。他的女友是一名瑜伽与呼吸法导师，平日连一件 Louis Vuitton 都没有，对物质毫无追求，而且两人感情极为稳固。然而，Steven 内心深处依然有一个挥之不去的声音在不断敲打他：“我必须成功、必须有钱、必须展现力量，否则她就不会喜欢我。” 这种非理性的冲动在理智上虽然荒谬，但在现实中却根深蒂固。Scott Galloway 直言不讳地指出，这种感觉“绝大部分是真实的”。在资本主义社会中，子女的医疗保健、受教育机会、赡养父母的能力，无一不与金钱紧密挂钩。从生物学与社会学角度来看，传统男性气质的核心始终逃不开“提供者（Provider）、保护者（Protector）与繁育者（Procreator）”这三大支柱。Scott 认为，每个年轻男性都应该首先树立起承担家庭经济提供者的意识；哪怕伴侣在赚钱上比自己更出色，男人的责任也可以转变为全力支持对方、做好坚实后盾，但这并不意味着可以放弃自身的经济立足能力。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 男性传统角色与资本主义现实的关系 accDescr: 阐述男性三大传统支柱在资本主义金钱至上社会中的演变与压力来源 subgraph CoreRole ["传统男性气质支柱"] direction TB P1["提供者 (Provider)"] P2["保护者 (Protector)"] P3["繁育者 (Procreator)"] end subgraph RealityShift ["资本主义现实的异化"] direction TB M1["金钱挂钩医疗、教育与赡养"] M2["'一切向钱看' (All about the Benjamins)"] M3["品格与个性魅力被经济资本挤压"] end subgraph PsychologicalOutcome ["心理与择偶后果"] direction TB R1["择偶货币与社会地位高度绑定"] R2["财务受挫触发'毫无价值'感"] R3["迷茫青年涌入赚快钱骗局"] end CoreRole --> RealityShift RealityShift --> PsychologicalOutcome ``` ### [01:34:45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=5685s) 资本主义的现实筛选：从品格魅力到“唯金钱论” Scott 动情地对比了当今社会与上世纪 70 年代的气氛。在他读小学时，学校的校长是一个极其迷人、品格高尚的酷男人：留着帅气的发型，喷着经典的 Aqua Velva 古龙水，开着一辆 Datsun 240Z 跑车，平时练空手道。在那个时代，一个善良、正直、有生活情趣的中学男教师或校长就拥有极高的“性吸引力货币”（Sexual Currency）。然而在当今社会，一切都变成了“唯金钱论”（It's all about the Benjamins）。Scott 讽刺道，媒体上可以连篇累牍地写“女性只想要情绪价值到位的男人”，但残酷的现实是，哪怕一个男人人品恶劣，只要他通过炒狗狗币（Dogecoin）赚了 1000 万美元，他就能在择偶市场上如鱼得水。资本主义系统将所有的社会优势与特权都倾斜给了金钱，导致男性的经济能力与社会认可度呈现出“相关系数几乎为 1（an R of 1）”的紧密绑定。面对 Logan Ury 追问“是否也会对女性提出同样的经济要求，抑或只要求女性漂亮”，Scott 给出了坦率的剖析： - 从进化心理学角度看，男性往往“因视觉而心动”，而女性往往“因听觉与感受而动心”，外貌吸引力对女性而言依旧承受着严苛的社会目光。 - 但女性实现经济独立与财富积累，是现代社会的重大胜利。Scott 回忆自己童年经历的最大创伤并非单亲缺乏父爱，而是他和母亲穷困潦倒的屈辱感，贫穷曾让母亲日复一日承受着“自己是个失败母亲”的心理折磨。 - 尽管女性地位大幅提升，年轻男性面临的硬性现实却更为残酷：如果你毫无经济生存能力，在社会各层面都可能沦为边缘人。这正是大量年轻男性陷入各类“快速致富骗局”（Get-rich-quick schemes）的心理根源——一旦赚不到钱，他们就会在内心里认定自己是彻底的失败者。 ### [01:37:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=5828s) “一文不值”的心理重压与自杀危机 Steven 向 Logan 提问，作为女性是否也曾将自我价值与金钱数字画等号。Logan 表示，对大多数人而言，金钱更多代表着“安全感”，大家都在为安全感奔波，但她并未体会到金钱等于男性那样的“存在尊严与核心身份”。Steven 透露，在他与男性好友的核心聊天群里，周末最常见的话题就是“周六周日还要加班拼命工作多久才能赚更多钱”。当这种经济支柱的责任崩塌时，后果往往是毁灭性的。Steven 提到自己圈子里的一个朋友，在筹备组建家庭、即将迎来新生儿的关键节点突遭严重财务危机，濒临个人破产。尽管伴侣一直在安慰他“没关系，我们会一起挺过去”，这个男人依然陷入了极度崩溃的重度抑郁，亲口对 Steven 倾诉：“我这辈子从没觉得自己这么一文不值（I've never felt more worthless）。” 这种体验呼应了学者 Richard Reeves 在《迷茫少年报告》（Lost Boys Report）中揭示的严峻数据： - 自杀已成为 50 岁以下年轻男性最主要的死亡原因之一。 - 在男性的绝笔信中，出现频率最高的两个悲剧性词汇正是“毫无价值”（worthless）与“毫无用处”（useless）。 - 当社会与男性自身都将男人的价值唯一绑定在“经济提供者”角色上时，一旦失去收入或被经济边缘化，许多人便会在心理层面判定自己已被社会彻底抛弃，甚至走向以死退场的极端。 ### [01:38:58](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=5938s) 男性“做人训练营”：幽默、体态与重拾绅士风度 Logan 坦言，这正是她未来五年最想攻克的课题——缩小男女之间的“择偶鸿沟”（Mating Gap），帮助这群迷失的年轻男性。但她深知，作为一个女性约会专家，许多年轻男孩可能更愿意倾听像 Scott 和 Steven 这样被视为现代男性榜样的意见。于是 Logan 提问：“如果让你们为全天下所有年轻男孩开办一所约会训练营，教他们如何重新做人，你们的第一课会是什么？” Steven 立即建议将这门课程命名为“做人训练营”（Human Boot Camp），并率先列出了三个立竿见影的模块： 1. **第一模块：幽默感（Comedy）** Steven 笑称，自己当年身无分文、一穷二白时，唯一能帮他赢得异性青睐的武器就是“偶尔能表现得稍微幽默一点”。幽默感不仅化解尴尬，更是高智商与沟通魅力的直接体现。 2. **第二模块：体态与自信（Posture & Confidence）** 长期的约会与社交观察表明，身体姿态与择偶成功率有着惊人的正相关。Steven 强调，年轻男人必须学会抬头挺胸、舒展肩背，勇敢地在空间中“占据属于自己的位置”（take up space），而不是畏缩佝偻成一团。去健身房锻炼身体不仅是为了增肌，更重要的是重塑由内而外的挺拔身姿。 3. **第三模块：被时代遗忘的男性礼仪与绅士风度（Male Manners）** Steven 提到，虽然某些现代观念曾将传统绅士礼仪视为陈腐甚至多余，但他至今坚持每天为女友开车门。这种举动不仅尊重对方，更从心理上赋予男性自身一种“强大而可靠”的正向自我确认。诸如过马路时自觉走在靠车流的一侧、公交车疾驰而过时下意识用手臂护住伴侣等日常举止，正是男性展现守护力量与体贴责任的最直接载体。 ### [01:40:50](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6050s) 男性的冲突解决课：学会“承受不适”去倾听伴侣史蒂文·巴特利特（Steven Bartlett）继续完善他心目中“男性约会训练营”的课程架构。除了健身、走在人行道外侧等礼仪，以及斯科特·加洛韦（Scott Galloway）提到的创业与赚钱能力外，史蒂文特别强调了“冲突解决”与情绪共情能力。他坦白承认，在受到女友悉心指导和长期主持播客反思之前，处理与女性伴侣的冲突曾是他的一大软肋。男性在同性冲突中往往有一套截然不同的互动模式，而在两性关系中，静下心来“倾听并真正理解”伴侣是一项极其困难却至关重要的技能。史蒂文坦言：“这可能只是我个人的体会，但我确实觉得，坐下来听伴侣拐弯抹角地列举我做错的所有事情，连听90分钟，是件极其煎熬的事。” 曾有一位心理学家告诉史蒂文：作为男人，必须学会在每周抽出90分钟，静静坐着让伴侣倾诉她所经历和感受到的一切。史蒂文对比了男性朋友之间的相处模式——他和哥们儿一起度假时，房间里甚至可以保持数小时完全沉默，大家只是默默吃着品客薯片（Pringles）看球赛；但在亲密关系中，女性渴望的是沟通。为了克服这种本能的不适，史蒂文强迫自己培养这种能力：坐下、倾听、记笔记，甚至复述对方的话以确认自己理解到位。他坦率直言：“这对我来说完全是反直觉的，做这些的时候我心里甚至觉得难受和刺痛，极度不自在，但它是可以通过刻意练习习得的。” 他分享了一个三天前的真实经历：当时他正在瑞典演出，刚走下舞台，女友发消息说有事情想聊，询问能否在日程表上预约60分钟。史蒂文立刻在日程中锁定了时间并拨通视频电话。在接下来的45分钟里，女友平心静气地倾诉，字里行间传达着他在哪些方面可以做得更好，没有责备，只有表达。史蒂文全程安静倾听，没有插话反驳。他感叹道，哥们儿之间绝不可能建立这种沟通契约，但一段高质量的亲密关系恰恰取决于男人能否容忍这种“反本能”的脆弱与耐心。 --- ### [01:43:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6188s) 男性的三脚支架：提供者、保护者与繁衍者斯科特·加洛韦对史蒂文的观点深表赞同，并阐述了自己培养两个儿子时始终遵循的“男性气质三脚支架”（Three Legs of the Stool）理念： ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 斯科特·加洛韦的健康男性气质三脚支架 accDescr: 展示成为健康男性的三大核心支柱：提供者、保护者与繁衍者，以及各自的具体行为标准。 subgraph Stool["健康男性气质的三大支柱"] direction LR P1["提供者 (Provider) 经济自律、掌握技能、具备人生规划"] P2["保护者 (Protector) 护卫弱小、捍卫他人名誉、给予安全感"] P3["繁衍者 (Procreator) 直面社交风险、追求亲密关系、提升自我魅力"] end P1 --> Goal["健全人格与幸福家庭"] P2 --> Goal P3 --> Goal ``` - **提供者（Provider）**：斯科特承认自己在经济维度上格外严苛，但这并不等同于必须大富大贵，而是要有财务纪律和责任感。男性必须掌握专业技能、考取资质认证并拥有清晰的规划。“不要成为那种凌晨两点在夜店开一瓶灰雁伏特加（Grey Goose）的轻浮之徒，”斯科特强调，真正的男人应该有底气说“我得回家了，因为我明天有事要办，我有人生规划”。 - **保护者（Protector）**：男性的默认出厂设置必须是“保护”。这种特质体现在日常礼貌，也体现在背后为他人说好话；当听到有人非议第三方时，本能反应应是站出来辩护，而不是落井下石或妖魔化边缘群体。斯科特心痛地指出，民调显示女性在街上看到迎面走来一群年轻男人时，往往出于恐惧选择穿过马路避开。“男性必须从小被教育：面对任何比你弱小、比你脆弱的人，你的第一反应必须是保护他们。就像军人、警察和消防员，男性气质的核心终究是护卫他人。” - **繁衍者（Procreator）**：男人应该坦荡地渴望性爱与浪漫关系，并具备承担被拒绝风险的勇气。为了锻炼儿子们，斯科特曾立下一个规矩：出门后如果没和陌生人打过招呼，就不能进家门。大儿子生性外向毫无压力，小儿子较为内向，哪怕去抚摸别人的狗也算完成任务。他直言，如今太多年轻男性缺乏开启对话的勇气和能力。男人需要克制色情沉迷，审视自己“如果是别人，愿意和现在的自己做爱吗？”，从而倒逼自己去健身、梳洗修容、穿搭得体，并勇敢走向现实中的异性。斯科特动情地分享了自己的人生转折点：他人生中最有成就感、最有意义的事，就是将两个儿子抚养成了爱国、正直的体面男子汉。而这一切的起点，是当年在罗利酒店（The Raleigh Hotel）泳池边，他一眼被一位女士深深吸引。“我知道这听起来可能有点俗气，但我当时对自己说，我真的为这个女人心动，所以我决定冒险——大白天，在完全没有酒精壮胆的情况下，走上前去跟她和同伴打招呼：‘嗨，你们从哪儿来？’”18个月后，他们的长子诞生，中间名便取自那家定情的罗利酒店。斯科特直言：“敢于冒险、渴望建立连接，想要成为一个繁衍者，是毫无可耻的纯粹追求。” --- ### [01:46:33](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6393s) 生育危机与少子化陷阱：非零和博弈的全盘皆输洛根·乌里（Logan Ury）对斯科特的发言深感震撼，但随即表达了强烈的忧虑。她指出，繁衍本应刻在人类漫长进化的底层代码中，如今社会却沦落到需要父母耳提面命去教导儿子“成为一个繁衍者”，这本身就是一种病态现象。高糖加工食品、滥用药物、泛滥的色情内容以及无处不在的技术屏幕，正在系统性地剥夺年轻人的生命力与交配意愿。洛根援引了一系列触目惊心的人口与社会学数据： - **韩国的“代际断崖”**：在0.7的总和生育率下，韩国每100名育龄人口，最终将只繁衍出12名孙辈。 - **美国生育年龄骤降**：40年前，60%的30岁年轻人已经育有子女；如今这一比例已腰斩至27%。 - **初婚率逼近历史低谷**：全美结婚率正跌向美国有统计以来的历史最低点，出生率在过去20年间暴跌了20%。 - **抚养比急剧恶化**：过去由12名适龄劳动力共同供养1名老年人，如今这一供养比例已缩减至惊人的3:1。如果不生育后代，全社会将无可逆转地滑向经济大衰退。洛根分享了前来录制播客途中的一次机舱谈话。邻座的女士得知讨论主题是“拯救年轻男性”后，第一反应居然是冷嘲热讽：“我们为什么要为男人操心？女性有史以来第一次全面压倒男性，不是挺好的吗？就让男的落后去吧。”洛根对此感到悲哀：大众总是狭隘地把两性议题视为“零和博弈”，误以为男性的溃败就等于女性的胜利。现实是，出生率暴跌、婚姻制度解体导致全人类陷入满盘皆输的境地。以韩国为例，该国正在大规模拆除幼儿园并将其改建为养老院，沦为全球少子化危机的反面教材。韩国央行（Bank of Korea）警告称，若按当前趋势发展，韩国经济将在10年内陷入萎缩；到2050年，老年人口将占全国总人口的40%，劳动力队伍将在未来40年内直接腰斩。更严峻的是，韩国依赖强制兵役制的国防体系正面临瓦解，现役兵力预计将从25万人骤降至12.5万人。 --- ### [01:49:03](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6543s) 政治极化与男性危机：右翼的粗暴与左翼的失语在对话后半段，史蒂文将议题引向了政治生态对年轻男性的塑造。他指出，随着唐纳德·特朗普（Donald Trump）重返权力巅峰，各项数据均显示年轻男性的政治立场正以前所未有的速度右转并走向保守化。而长期以来，政治左翼从未向年轻男性描绘过一个具有吸引力且积极健康的男性气质愿景。史蒂文提出疑问：鉴于左翼所宣扬的价值观与男性直觉中对经济实力、强健体魄和传统阳刚的渴望存在严重脱节，“左翼未来究竟还有可能把年轻男性争取回来吗？” 斯科特·加洛韦对此给出了犀利的剖析。他指出，右翼虽然成功捕获了失落男性的选票，但其做法极其危险——他们偷换了概念，“将男性气质与粗俗粗鄙、残酷无情混为一谈”（conflated masculinity with coarseness and cruelty）。斯科特以当下保守派男性推崇的两位标志性代表人物展开批判： - **唐纳德·特朗普**：在斯科特看来，特朗普在言行举止中公然践踏体面，展现出极度的刻薄、缺乏同理心与善良，完全背离了保护弱者的真正男性美德。 - **埃隆·马斯克（Elon Musk）**：被无数年轻技术极客视为男性楷模，但彼时正同时被两位女性起诉，争夺各自孩子的单独监护权（sole custody），在家庭责任与人伦关怀上面临严重争议。斯科特认为，年轻男性之所以向右翼投奔，并非因为右翼树立了多么崇高健康的榜样，而是因为左翼长期的道德规训让年轻人无所适从，而右翼用攻击性和粗鄙感伪装成了力量，让这群迷茫的年轻人误以为找到了归宿。 ### [01:50:20](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6620s) 政治身份认同与被忽视的 26%：左派如何弄丢了年轻男性 Scott Galloway 尖锐地批评了美国左派和民主党在男性议题上的认知偏差。他直言，左派眼中的所谓“健康男子气概”，本质上就是要求男性“表现得更像女性”，而这种引导对年轻男孩毫无建设性。Scott 回忆自己参加民主党全国代表大会（DNC）的经历，现场充斥着各种特定利益群体的游行展示，几乎每个人群都有代表，唯独缺少了眼下最需要支持的年轻男性群体。在 DNC 官方网站上，明确列出了他们所服务的 16 个特定群体，涵盖亚裔及太平洋岛民、老年人、残障人士、移民以及非裔美国人等。Scott 粗略算了一笔账：这些被专门点名的群体加起来占到了美国总人口的 74%。 Scott 指出，当一个政党高调宣称自己只代表这 74% 的人口并为之积极争取权益时，实际效果并不是在扶持多数人，而是在公开边缘化和歧视剩下的 26%——也就是年轻男性。当主持人 Steven Bartlett 询问这是否是 DEI（多元、平等与包容）政策过度推进的后果时，Scott 坦承这确实是重要诱因。民主党往往出发点是好的，却总是习惯性地将理念推向极端。过去女性受到不公正对待、性少数群体遭受迫害、少数族裔被名校拒之门外（60年前哈佛、普林斯顿和耶鲁三校加起来总共只有 12 名黑人学生；而如今哈佛大一新生中超过 60% 属于非白人群体），纠正历史不公固然重要，但现在是时候走出这种身份政治的怪圈了。更严重的问题在于左派过度渲染的“有毒男子气概（toxic masculinity）”观念。Scott 认为真正的男子气概根本不存在所谓“有毒”一说：暴力、犯罪和残忍只能说明一个人不是个真正的男人；真正的男子气概代表着保护者（protector）、供养者（provider）和繁衍者（procreator）。然而，现在的舆论环境让年轻男性觉得，展现自身的力量、善意、繁衍后代的渴望，甚至主动发起浪漫追求，都会被视作某种威胁和道德污点。这种文化真空直接催生了互联网上赤裸裸、充满厌女色彩的极端言论，而特朗普（Donald Trump）则精准地填补了这一政治与情感真空。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 选民转向背后的驱动逻辑 accDescr: 解释民主党忽视年轻男性如何导致年轻男性群体和中年母亲选民大幅倒向共和党。 subgraph LeftMistake["左翼身份政治的盲区"] A["宣称服务 74% 的群体 （DEI 利益细分）"] --> B["边缘化 26% 的年轻男性"] B --> C["给传统男性特质贴上 '有毒男子气概'标签"] end subgraph VoidAndPivot["政治真空与选民流向"] C --> D["出现文化真空 被激进厌女言论或右翼叙事填补"] D --> E["2024大选关键转变群体"] E --> F["30岁以下男性 （感到受挫与被理解）"] E --> G["45至64岁母亲 （担忧儿子未来，渴望改变现状）"] end ``` - **选民倒戈数据**：在 2020 年至 2024 年的大选中，从蓝阵营转向红阵营最剧烈的三类人群分别是：厌倦了被身份标签归类的拉丁裔、30 岁以下处境艰难的年轻男性，以及 45 至 64 岁的女性。 - **母亲群体的无声焦虑**：Scott 分析，45 至 64 岁的女性很大一部分正是这群迷茫男孩的母亲。当一个母亲看着自己的儿子萎靡不振、陷入困境时，她根本不会关心遥远的乌克兰主权领土或跨性别权利议题，她心里唯一的念头就是“我的儿子过得很不好，必须改变”。在街头私下找 Scott 倾诉的，往往就是这些 40 到 55 岁、不敢公开表态却忧心忡忡的母亲。 --- ### [01:53:15](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6795s) 给男孩家长的建议：接纳自我与引入男性榜样面对成千上万在迷茫中不知所措的父母，Steven 分享了播客收到的大量匿名母亲来信：她们的儿子十六七岁或十八岁，整日眼神迷茫、闭门不出，完全没有像同龄女儿那样主动走出家门独立生活的迹象。对于这些无力改变宏观社会环境、却急切想挽救孩子的父母，Scott 给出的第一个建议是：“原谅你自己（forgive yourself）。” Scott 解释说，在青少年尤其是男孩高三离家前夕，孩子与父母之间产生摩擦、关系紧张，往往是生命发展过程中实现心理分离的一种本能防御机制——为了让离开家庭变得不那么痛苦，男孩往往会无意识地挑起争吵。这绝不意味着儿子不爱母亲，也不代表他未来无法走上正轨。单亲母亲独自抚养儿子本就是一件极其艰难的事情，父母不必将所有责任揽在自己身上。在具体实操层面，Scott 强调必须尽全力让成年男性进入男孩的生活。他回忆起自己的成长历程：当自己在高中被校篮球队和橄榄球队淘汰时，单亲母亲立刻为他报名了城市业余运动联赛，让他能继续在运动场上挥洒汗水，并且坚持让他加入童子军。母亲所做的最核心的事，就是确保他的成长路径上始终有成年男性的身影。 Scott 动情地分享了一个生动的亲历故事：有一次他与一位知名新闻女主播及其儿子共进午餐，席间母子二人爆发了激烈的口角。Scott 见状请这位母亲暂时离席，随后他直视着男孩的双眼，严厉地当头棒喝：“你知不知道，她是这个世界上唯一一个发自内心希望你比她自己更成功的人？你必须马上收起这套浑蛋态度，这个女人绝不是你的敌人！”Scott 坦言，自己当年对母亲也曾是个不知天高地厚的浑蛋，但正因同为男性，他才能用这种近乎当头棒喝的硬核沟通方式打破男孩的防线。研究明确表明，男孩人生走向脱轨的关键断裂点，往往就在于失去了身边的男性榜样。 --- ### [01:56:11](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6971s) 重新定义男子气概：从索取到创造“盈余价值”，以及面对脆弱行为科学家 Logan Ury 随后向 Scott 和 Steven 抛出了一个核心问题：“在你们的成长过程中，学到的关于‘如何做男人’的观念中，有哪些是你们后来不得不去反思、打破并彻底摒弃（unlearn）的？” Scott 借用了学者理查德·里夫斯（Richard Reeves）的概念，提出男子气概和成年最核心的标准是**“盈余价值（surplus value）”**。成为一个真正的男人，既不是靠一场宗教仪式，也不是靠发生性关系，更不是简单地熬到某个法定年龄，而是看你何时能为周围创造盈余。Scott 平时会半开玩笑地对自己的儿子们说：“你们现在完全是负价值——看看倾注在你们身上的资源，老师花费的心血，我们对你们的爱远超过你们对我们的爱，而你们目前没有任何回馈。在未来的某个时刻，这个天平必须反转。”真正的成年男性，应当是纳税多于领救济、倾听别人的烦恼多于向别人抱怨、保护他人多于寻求庇护的人。 Scott 坦承，在四十岁之前，他在人际关系中是个极其自私且好斗的人。如果开车被别人按喇叭，他会猛踩油门狂按回去以“恢复宇宙秩序”；如果航司柜台地勤态度冷淡，他非要冲上去针锋相对，因为当时他觉得自己是个不可一世的“成功人物（baller）”。无论在商业合作还是恋爱关系中，他只要觉得自己得到的没有付出的多，就会立刻抽身走人。直到人到中年他才彻底顿悟：做男人意味着偶尔甘愿承受打击，意味着看到别人生活的不易（也许那个违规变道的司机家里有个生病的孩子，或者正经历离婚痛苦），意味着你在合作中为合伙人提供同等甚至更多的价值。衡量人生成败的标志，是离开这个世界时，让整个世界倒欠你一点点，而不是你欠着世界离开。 ```mermaid flowchart LR accTitle: 男性心智模型的演变 accDescr: 展示从不成熟的零和索取心态向成熟男性的盈余价值心态的转变。 subgraph Immature["不成熟的心智模式"] A["计较得失 （只索取不愿吃亏）"] --> B["报复性反击 （路怒、柜台争吵）"] B --> C["随时准备离场 （无盈余即退出）"] end subgraph Mature["成熟男子气概：盈余价值"] D["创造盈余价值 （纳税、给予、保护）"] --> E["情绪包容与退让 （理解他人生活之苦）"] E --> F["让世界略欠于我 （慷慨回馈他人与社会）"] end Immature -.->|"反思与重塑 (Unlearn)"| Mature ``` Steven 深刻认同这种对“慷慨”的追求，但他指出自己不得不艰难修正的另一面：**学会向他人表达脆弱与挣扎**。由于长期被灌输要做强大供养者的信念，在人生陷入低谷和挫败时，他过去完全缺乏向外界求助的能力，总觉得承认自己撑不住是一种被“去男性化（emasculated）”的羞耻。更残酷的现实在于，当代许多男性的社交圈极度萎缩，伴侣几乎成了他们生命中唯一可以倾诉的对象；但讽刺的是，伴侣往往又是男人最不愿在其面前暴露软弱和无助的那个人。 ### [01:59:49](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=7189s) 男性无法言说的绝望与自我怀疑 Steven 回忆起自己在 30 岁时第一次向女友承认自己内心陷入困境的经历。对他而言，承认软弱就像是被“剥夺了男子气概”（emasculated），而他之所以鼓起勇气做这个“实验”，仅仅是因为痛苦已经到了崩溃的边缘，感到别无选择。即便在今天，他也坦言自己无法对男性朋友全盘托出所有脆弱。年轻男性普遍面临着严重的心理危机与虚无感，节目收到的听众来信生动反映了这一现实。一位名叫 Liam 的观众写道，年轻男性面临的最大困境是“渴望寻找意义，却无处可寻”；由于大脑总在不断向自己灌输失败的场景，他甚至需要依赖药物才能入睡，独处时脑海中更是一场关于自己如何一无是处的无休止说教，但因为害怕显出软弱，他无法向任何人倾诉。另一位名叫 Jeffrey 的 18 岁青年也倾诉称，他终其一生都觉得“自己不够好、无法在社会中赢得一席之地”，即使取得了一些成就，内心深处依旧认为自己不配存在，却无人可以倾诉。如果一个人感到生活毫无意义、自己毫无价值，且缺乏任何倾诉渠道去获得开导，悲剧便极易发生。 - **英国男性自杀比例**：占全英国自杀总人数的 75%。 - **全球男性自杀比例**：占全球自杀总人数的 75%。 - **年轻男性死因统计**：在多达 50 个国家中，自杀已成为年轻男性的首要死亡原因。 --- ### [02:01:52](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=7312s) 情绪压抑转化为愤怒：库梅尔·南贾尼的启示针对 Scott Galloway 此前提到“并非所有女性都在寻找高情商伴侣”的观点，讨论转向了男性为何更应为自己而非伴侣去培养情绪感知能力。嘉宾谈到了演员兼喜剧脱口秀演员库梅尔·南贾尼（Kumail Nanjiani）近期专场演出的最后 20 分钟——南贾尼将其变成了一场深刻的心灵反思。此前南贾尼因电影恶评陷入心理治疗，媒体借机大肆炒作“差评将富豪影星送进诊所”，并在网络上引发冷嘲热讽。南贾尼在演出中一一拆解外界的苛责，直面自己的治疗历程。南贾尼透露，在接受治疗前，他以为自己是个“天生不会体会到负面情绪或悲伤”的人；通过心理咨询他才明白，自己其实时时刻刻都在感受悲伤，只是从未允许自己去体验悲伤，导致这些被压抑的痛苦最终全部转化为了愤怒。他举例说，当得知父亲遭遇车祸（幸好无大碍）并陪父亲处理完危机后，短短几个小时后，他就因为“找不到自己的忍者神龟 T 恤”而在家里大发雷霆。他直到成年并接受心理咨询后才明白，自己真正崩溃的原因是父亲的车祸，而不是找不到衣服。对于男性而言，学会表达情绪、学会哭泣并不只是为了在相亲市场上更具吸引力，而是最基本的自救与生存法则。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 男性情绪压抑与心理危机路径图 accDescr: 展示男性从压抑负面情绪到演变成愤怒、成瘾或自杀危机的传导机制。 subgraph Suppression ["情绪压抑机制"] A["遭受挫折与生活重压"] --> B["压抑脆弱与悲伤 （害怕被视为软弱/失去男子气概）"] end subgraph Manifestation ["破坏性外化表现"] B --> C["情绪失控转化为暴怒 （如小事发飙）"] B --> D["不健康代偿与成瘾 （色情、赌博、滥用药物）"] end subgraph Outcome ["最终危机"] C --> E["精神内耗与极端绝望"] D --> E E --> F["心理崩溃与高自杀风险"] end ``` --- ### [02:03:46](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=7426s) “保护者”角色的枷锁与麻木的恶果 Steven 坦言自己直到 30 岁或 31 岁左右才第一次去看心理医生，此前拖延了多年，核心原因就是觉得寻求心理帮助有损男子气概。男性从小被灌输“我可以独自解决一切”的硬汉观念，在现实中习惯扮演“保护者”——比如当公交车靠近时本能地护住身旁的女友。对于自 18 岁起就担任首席执行官（CEO）的 Steven 来说，这种心理包袱更为沉重。作为企业的领导者，哪怕面对“公司着火、账上没钱发 170 名员工周五工资”的绝境，他也必须在下属面前维持冷静、若无其事。这种被迫训练出来的“情感麻木”（numbness）在职场生存中或许管用，但在个人面对困境时却极具破坏性。由于缺乏健康的情绪泄压阀，许多男性只能转向色情片或赌博等成瘾行为，以此作为逃避精神高压的出口。 --- ### [02:04:55](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=7495s) 绝望求助信与结构性危机：兵役、职业培训与自杀率 Scott Galloway 沉重地指出，他现在甚至有些不敢再打开自己的电子邮箱，因为收到了太多来自年轻男性的绝望来信。这些信件充斥着丧父之痛、独居孤立、阿片类药物成瘾以及空有一身抱负却找不到出路的痛苦。Scott 强调，男性的危机不仅是心理层面的，更是深层的经济与社会政策危机。为了解决这一问题，Scott 提出了一系列宏观干预措施： - **职业技能培训**：强化职业教育，让未走传统大学道路的青年获得安身立命的技能。 - **国家服役制度（National Service）**：效仿以色列通过 2 至 3 年的国防军（IDF）服役建立身份认同、社会连接与崇高目标感，使以色列年轻人的抑郁率即便在面对外部生存威胁时依然保持在较低水平。 - **扩招大学名额与建设第三空间**：增加大学新生录取名额，并为年轻人建设更多脱离家庭和职场的实体公共社交空间（Third Places）。 Scott 指出，在美国，自杀身亡者中男性的比例高达 77% 并正在向 80% 逼近，男女自杀比例已达 4:1。如果换作任何其他特定群体在太平间里占据五分之四的自杀名额，政府必然早已启动大规模专项援助政策。然而，由于过去美国的大部分繁荣和特权主要集中在占人口 30% 的白人男性群体中，如今 19 岁的年轻男性不仅未能享受到往日的红利，反而在为前辈的优势买单，整个社会对他们普遍缺乏共情。 --- ### [02:06:49](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=7609s) 叙事转变与寻找出路：从政治关注到现代“播客布道” 尽管处境艰难，Scott Galloway 认为社会观念终于迎来了积极的转折点。女性和整个社会开始清醒地认识到：如果男性群体陷入泥潭（flailing），整个国家与女性群体也绝不可能持续繁荣。例如，马里兰州民主党籍州长韦斯·摩尔（Wes Moore）公开宣布，其执政重点将放在援助该州的年轻男性身上；在当前的政治语境下，这一表态极具政治勇气，并得到了底层民众的积极支持。这与四五年前形成了鲜明对比，当时任何试图讨论男性困境的言论都会立刻遭到强烈的应激抵触，甚至被扣上“厌女”的帽子。当 Steven 询问“我们究竟该把这些陷入挣扎的年轻人引向何处”时，Scott 坦承目前依然极度缺乏系统性的救助资源。他在面对邮件求助时往往难以甄别日常青春期烦恼与真正的自杀前兆，有时只能自掏腰包 500 美元帮求助者支付 BetterHelp 在线心理咨询的前四次费用。随着传统教会生活的衰落，播客在很大程度上扮演了现代智慧与精神指引的载体——年轻人不再去教堂听道，而是通过 AirPods 聆听播客。像 Chris Williamson、Steven Bartlett 这样的播客创作者，正在成为向年轻男性传递健康价值观、填补精神空虚的重要力量。 ### [02:08:50](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=7730s) 为迷茫的一代谱写新的“人生剧本” 随着关于健康男性气质的讨论进一步深入，洛根·乌里（Logan Ury）指出，如果能够用健康的男性价值观去占据年轻人的耳朵，就能彻底挤占那些靠宣扬负面和极端信息谋利之人的生存空间。她建议应该为那些在困境中发邮件求助的年轻人设立一个指引清单，针对他们的不同挣扎提供切实可行的资源与思考方式。史蒂芬·巴特利特（Steven Bartlett）此前讨论的“男士训练营”建议其实并不脱离实际——去健身房强健体魄、努力赚钱独立、为人善良、懂得照看关怀他人，这些完全可以浓缩成现代年轻男性急需的指南。在宗教和传统组织日渐式微的当下，社会失去了引导人们“该做什么”的剧本，现在必须重写一套全新的指引。斯科特·加洛韦（Scott Galloway）随即打趣地将这一责任推给史蒂芬，调侃他年轻有活力、面对着演播室这么多镜头，更适合扛起大旗。但洛根强调，不论形式如何，这一套健康观念必须尽快传播开来；因为如果在青年男性心理形成的真空期里不去主动占领阵地，某些居心叵测之人早已乘虚而入。洛根总结道，一年前社会可能还对这个话题避而不谈，但如今风向正在转变。《迷失的男孩报告》（Lost Boys Report）唤醒了大众，更重要的是必须认清：男性变得更好绝不意味着女性就会变差，两者从来不是零和博弈，社会的共同目标应该是让所有人共同繁荣。 ```mermaid flowchart TD accTitle: 现代男性成长脚本重构图 accDescr: 展示如何用健康的行动指引填补传统信仰与制度退场后留下的真空 subgraph Problem["现实真空与负面侵蚀"] A["传统信仰与机构指引缺失"] --> B["年轻人缺乏生活行为剧本"] B --> C["极端博主与有害信息乘虚而入"] end subgraph Solution["健康男性核心支柱"] D["强健体魄 (进健身房)"] E["自立自强 (创造财富)"] F["心怀善意 (关怀弱小与他人)"] end subgraph Outcome["重塑健康生态"] G["构建积极支持系统与行为框架"] H["男女共同繁荣 (非零和博弈)"] end Problem --> Solution Solution --> G G --> H ``` ### [02:11:01](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=7861s) 幸福的“微笑曲线”与为人父时的巨大羞耻感当被问及对那些被称为“迷失男孩”的年轻群体有何最终寄语时，斯科特·加洛韦提出了“幸福是一条微笑曲线”的理论。在0到18岁之间，生活充满了舞会、橄榄球和初恋，通常是人生中无忧无虑且相对快乐的阶段；然而在18岁至45岁之间，曲线跌入谷底，这是绝大多数人一生中最痛苦艰难的岁月——必须面对经济压力、感情破碎，亲近之人可能重病甚至离世。他呼吁年轻人，如果你在这段岁月中挣扎，千万不要羞于寻求帮助；如果没有当上国会议员，没有以自己名字命名的专属香水，绝对不代表你是一个失败者，要学会原谅自己。斯科特毫无保留地分享了自己人生中最脆弱的一刻：当他的第一个儿子出生时，常规叙事里理应是天使歌唱、圣光降临的时刻，但他内心充斥的却唯有深深的耻辱感。当时他已经42岁，恰逢金融危机，他把所有心血倾注的科技公司遭遇重创，会计打电话告知他的负债高达200万美元。就在那个人生最低谷的节点，儿子在产房降生了，他当时的第一反应是窒息与恶心：“我不仅让自己失败了，还在一个全新的维度上——作为一个养家者和父亲——彻底失败了。”在产房里，医护人员甚至以为他是被生产的血腥画面吓坏了，而实际上他是被沉重的羞耻感压得喘不过气。事后他将这段心路历程写成文字，收到了无数男性的共鸣来信，许多父亲坦言在初为人父时感受到的不是喜悦，而是无力供养家庭的巨大难堪与失败感。 ### [02:13:35](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=8015s) 摆脱至暗时刻的“SCAFA”法则是怎样的？面对人生极度的低落与难堪，斯科特强调接纳与自我宽恕的重要性——要提醒自己依然能为企业创造价值、能让某个人感到幸福，并踏踏实实迈出小步来重建生活。为此，他总结了一套被称为“SCAFA”的自救法则，专门用来重置自己濒临抑郁的系统： - **S（Sweat，出汗运动）**：通过高强度流汗重置身体神经系统与精神状态。 - **C（Clean Eating，健康洁净饮食）**：在低谷期拒绝垃圾食品，坚持在家吃健康干净的饭菜。 - **A（Abstinence，节制与禁绝）**：暂时戒除大麻与酒精；斯科特坦言自己平时非常享受且擅长大麻与酒精，但当精神状态变糟时必须立刻停用，避免干扰脆弱的神经递质。 - **F（Family，家庭陪伴）**：主动花时间与家人待在一起，尤其是陪伴自己的两个儿子。 - **A（Affection，肢体依恋与温情）**：不需要是性行为，可以是宠物狗趴在身上、和孩子们挤在沙发上看电视时自然的肢体触碰，或是来自伴侣温暖的拥抱。斯科特指出，网络世界整天在向年轻人灌输虚幻的泡沫，让人误以为二十多岁就该坐着湾流私人飞机在圣巴斯岛开派对，但这根本不是现实世界。当被问及是否做过心理咨询时，斯科特风趣地透露，他在第一段婚姻中曾去过一次婚姻咨询，结果仅在那次咨询结束后，双方就当场决定离婚；他笑称那次经历虽然让他对心理咨询有点心理阴影，但也“帮他省下了真金白银”。 ### [02:15:21](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=8121s) 阅读虚构小说：被男性忽视的共情力训练洛根·乌里向在场男性提出了一个极具建设性且被严重低估的建议：通过阅读虚构小说（Fiction）来培养共情能力。她指出，当下男性几乎从来不读小说，史蒂芬和身边的朋友也承认，男性阅读清一色集中在商业思维、如何赚钱或是增肌健美等工具书上，网络上充斥着诸如“考取MBA必读的100本非虚构书籍”的书单。洛根反驳道，人们每天在手机上阅读的非虚构碎片信息已经足够多了，但阅读一本两三百页的虚构小说，能强迫你完全沉浸在另一个人的大脑中，甚至直接进入一个女性角色的内心世界。在当地图书馆花零元成本阅读一本女性作者写的小说，是理解异性心理最好的方式；她甚至打趣地说，如果把说辞改成“读这本小说能帮你搞定约会”，男人们也许才会愿意尝试。斯科特对此深表认同，并回忆起自己高三和大学一年级时常常感到自我怀疑，觉得自己在心理上是个异类；直到他读了约翰·欧文（John Irving）的《盖普眼中的世界》（*The World According to Garp*）和《总有骄阳》（*The Cider House Rules*），发现书里的人物全都是怪胎，才终于释怀并感到自己被接纳。短视频平台TikTok永远无法替代花上整整300页篇幅沉浸在他人思维中所建立的深度共情。在访谈尾声，史蒂芬提及斯科特即将出版的新书。斯科特调侃出版商往往前期什么都不做，最后只顾死磕书名。他坦言这本书最初想以“男性气质”为题，但他意识到自己并没有资格总结整个男性气质的定义，因此最终将书名定为《未完成状态：成为男人的笔记》（*Work in Progress: Notes on Becoming a Man*）。他希望借由自己跌跌撞撞的亲身经历，将健康的男性气质转化为一套所有男性在混乱迷茫时都可以遵循的行为准则（Code）。 ### [02:18:12](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=8292s) 嘉宾力作与社会对话的开启 Scott Galloway 谈到了自己即将于秋季出版的新书。他指出，无论是军队、宗教还是家庭价值观，如果定义得当，男子气概同样可以为年轻男性提供一套人生的行为准则（code）。这本书收录了他在人生历程中经历的一系列故事、屡次遭遇的失败教训，以及他在努力成长为一个合格的男人、父亲与伴侣过程中所学到的一切。随后，Steven 提及了 Logan Ury 的代表作《如何避免孤独终老》（*How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love*）。Logan 解释道，这本书的核心在于帮助人们看清阻碍自己找到真爱的盲点，并制定出切实可行的计划来克服这些障碍。 Steven 接着向社会正义中心（Center for Social Justice, CSJ）致谢，感谢他们发布了这份关于“迷茫男孩”（Lost Boys）的重磅报告，正是这份报告在英国乃至全球范围内引发了关于年轻男性困境的深切探讨。随后，Steven 引入了《CEO日记》（The Diary Of A CEO）的闭幕传统：由上一位不知名的嘉宾为下一位访客留下一道灵魂拷问。本期留下的问题是：“你最害怕的是什么？” --- ### [02:19:19](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=8359s) 闭幕拷问：内心深处最大的恐惧面对这个问题，三位对话者给出了极其真诚且带有个人脆弱感的回答。Logan 坦言，她最害怕的是失去丈夫。她的丈夫曾与死神擦肩而过，患过极为严重的骨癌，两人一同熬过了极其残酷的医疗阶段；就在节目录制当天，丈夫正在外攀岩，尽管家里还有一个刚满一岁的小女儿，大家可能会以为她最担心的是孩子，但对她而言，最深层的恐惧始终是丈夫发生意外。 Scott Galloway 则从社会宏观与个人微观两个层面作答。在社会层面上，他最担忧的是“孤独流行病”（epidemic of loneliness）的蔓延——当人们逐渐认为自己可以从现实生活中彻底脱节抽离，就会滋生严重的焦虑、抑郁与社会极化，使世界变得更不安全；而在个人层面上，他的恐惧始终如一：“我最大的恐惧，就是自己那些自私的本能以一种丑陋的方式显现，最终落得孤身一人、孤独终老的下场……在刺眼的强光下，在陌生人的围观中死去。”Scott 透露，自己的父亲现年 95 岁，晚年几乎是孑然一身，而他时常在自己身上看到父亲那些并不光彩的性格特质，这让他深感警惕与恐惧。轮到 Steven 作答时，他首先想到的是害怕伴侣出事。他将伴侣视为如同天使般完美的存在，甚至无法想象若有一天她身患重病或遭遇意外该如何面对。同时，他也深有同感地共鸣了 Scott 的担忧：他害怕自己在现实的种种“诱惑”（temptation）面前做出错误抉择，导致自己无法陪伴孩子成长，成为一个失职的父亲，最终落得“衰老、富有却孤独凄凉”的结局。 --- ### [02:22:03](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=8523s) 破局者的担当与致谢 Steven 向 Scott 和 Logan 表达了由衷的敬意与谢意。他对 Scott 表示，在全社会普遍避讳、甚至视讨论男性困境为禁区的时候，Scott 便顶住舆论压力挺身而出，用极其幽默、雄辩且充满智慧的方式公开发声，打动了光谱两端的人群。Scott 触达了数以亿计的受众，不仅为后来者（包括 Steven 自己）提供了保护伞，更直接推动了此类社会调查报告得以诞生与被正视。同时，Steven 也感谢 Logan 在这个布满“地雷”的复杂议题上倾注了行为科学的专业洞见与极大的同理心。面对赞美，Scott 谦逊地将功劳归于学者 Richard Reeves（《男孩与男人》作者），自嘲自己只是引用了对方扎实的研究数据。Logan 随即打断了 Scott 的自我贬损，诚恳地强调道：“关键在于，你是当今世界上最具说服力的沟通者。”她指出，Richard 提供了数据，但唯有 Scott 能将这些枯燥的事实与鲜活的人生阅历融合，化为穿透政治分歧、触动人心的强大力量。 --- ### [02:24:28](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=8668s) 节目尾声与呼吁在节目末尾，Steven 介绍了《CEO日记》官方推出的对话卡牌。这套卡牌依据交流的深度划分为一到三级，卡牌背面附有 QR 码，扫描后可以直接观看往期嘉宾在面对相应问题时的即时作答视频，既可用于朋友聚会、职场团队建设，也能作为深度的日常思考手账。最后，Steven 分享了一组后台数据：长期收听节目的听众中竟有 53% 尚未点击订阅。他真诚地请求大家点击关注，并代表团队做出承诺：将倾听受众的每一次反馈，邀请大家渴望倾听的重磅嘉宾，持续打磨每一期节目的深度与品质。 ## Notable quotes > [00:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=0s) 我这一生从未觉得自己足够好，仿佛我永远无法在这个社会中挣得一席之地。 — Jeffrey > [02:03](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=123s) 我们的男孩出问题了。 — Andy Cook > [10:27](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=627s) 我和儿子们最深厚的情感连接，往往发生在送他们上学的路上、在后院胡乱踢球打闹的日常琐碎中——也就是那些看似毫无意义的‘垃圾时间’。一旦你不住在同一屋檐下，这种自发的偶遇和连接机会就荡然无存，父亲与孩子的纽带便会不可避免地慢慢淡去。 — Scott Galloway > [41:09](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=2469s) 在情感沟通领域，女性已经读到了研究生水平，而男性才刚上小学三年级。 — David > [42:52](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=2572s) 我们哀求男人敞开心扉、接纳我们走入他们的内心；可一旦他们照做了，我们又根本无法承受。 — Brené Brown > [42:52](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=2572s) 女人宁愿看到我死在白马之上，也不愿看到我从马上跌落下来摔得狼狈。 > [01:06:01](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=3961s) show me a guy who's good in a bar, I'll show you a guy who will probably be good in a boardroom — Scott Galloway > [01:23:11](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=4991s) 如果你是自己衣橱里的一件衣服，你到底是什么？ — Logan Ury > [01:30:13](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=5413s) 你可以拥有一切，只是无法在同一时间全部拥有。 — Scott Galloway > [01:37:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=5828s) 我这辈子从没觉得自己这么一文不值（I've never felt more worthless）。 — Steven Bartlett > [01:43:08](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6188s) 男性必须从小被教育：面对任何比你弱小、比你脆弱的人，你的第一反应必须是保护他们。就像军人、警察和消防员，男性气质的核心终究是护卫他人。 — Scott Galloway > [01:53:15](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=6795s) 原谅你自己（forgive yourself）。 — Scott Galloway > [02:18:12](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY&t=8292s) 我最大的恐惧，就是自己那些自私的本能以一种丑陋的方式显现，最终落得孤身一人、孤独终老的下场……在刺眼的强光下，在陌生人的围观中死去。 — Scott Galloway ## Mentioned Steven Bartlett, Scott Galloway, Logan Ury, Andy Cook, Richard Reeves, Tim Walz, Lewis Howes, Brené Brown, David Kwong, Kumail Nanjiani, Wes Moore, Donald Trump, Elon Musk, John Irving, Peter Attia, Andrew Huberman, Sam Parr, Centre for Social Justice (CSJ), Hinge, American Institute for Boys and Men (AIBM), National Fatherhood Initiative, Scouts BSA, Girl Scouts, Big Brothers Big Sisters, University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA), Google, Tinder, TikTok, Shopify, Intuit, TurboTax, Credit Karma, QuickBooks, Mailchimp, Perfect Ted, Blank Street Coffee, Joe & The Juice, Goldman Sachs, Pew Research, Bank of Korea, Democratic National Committee (DNC), Israel Defense Forces (IDF), The Lost Boys Report, The World According to Garp, The Cider House Rules, How to Not Die Alone, Work in Progress: Notes on Becoming a Man ## Video description Are we raising a lost generation of men? Is society failing young boys? In this emergency discussion, Steven sits down with expert guests to explore the recently published ‘Lost Boys Report’. The Diary Of A CEO’s masculinity discussion is joined by Scott Galloway and Logan Ury. Scott Galloway is a member of the advisory council for the American Institute for Boys and Men and Professor of Marketing at the New York Stern School of Business. Logan Ury is a behavioural scientist turned dating coach and Director of Relationship Science at Hinge. 00:00 Intro 02:03 The Lost Boys Report 06:02 How Did This Happen? 10:27 Fatherless Homes 14:29 Are Boys Mentally Weaker? 16:41 Is the Education System the Problem? 22:39 Where Are Male Role Models? 29:58 What the Stats Say About Dating 34:32 Dating Standards 44:13 Do Women Really Want Emotionally Attuned Men? 46:06 If They're Okay, Always Go on a Second Date 47:56 Men's Groups: Should We Have Them and What Are the Benefits? 54:46 Ads 55:40 Steve's Supportive Group of Friends 01:02:32 The Dangers of Porn for Young Boys 01:07:51 How Scott Helps Men With Porn Addiction 01:13:01 Men Approaching Women in a Post-MeToo Era 01:15:17 Teens Don’t Know How to Ask Girls Out in Person 01:25:11 Do Successful Women Struggle to Find a Partner? 01:28:00 Ads 01:30:13 The Rise of Feminism 01:31:53 Money Equals Identity for Men 01:37:08 Does Money Give Self-Worth to Women? 01:39:41 The Human Dating Boot Camp 01:48:32 How Is the Left Going to Get Men Back? 01:53:15 Advice for Parents of Young Boys 01:56:11 What Scott and Steve Had to Unlearn About Being a Man 02:11:01 Closing Message for the Lost Boys You can learn more about the March 2025 CSJ Report, here: https://g2ul0.app.link/2kI16MnW6Rb Follow Scott: Instagram - https://g2ul0.app.link/iY8VsRwW6Rb Twitter - https://g2ul0.app.link/mtdT5dzW6Rb Website - https://g2ul0.app.link/V8ukmVDW6Rb Follow Logan: Instagram - https://g2ul0.app.link/z6h5BeGW6Rb Twitter - https://g2ul0.app.link/jzjDZkIW6Rb Website - https://g2ul0.app.link/5SIP1FOW6Rb You can purchase Scott’s book, ‘The Algebra of Happiness: The Pursuit of Success, Love and What It All Means’, here: https://g2ul0.app.link/gNRRlBCU6Rb You can purchase Logan’s book, ‘How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love’, here: https://g2ul0.app.link/4aQGk5EU6Rb Get your hands on the Diary Of A CEO Conversation Cards here: https://bit.ly/conversationcards-mp Research document: https://stevenbartlett.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/DOAC-Lost-Boys-Independent-Research-and-Further-Reading.pdf Sign up to receive email updates about Diary Of A CEO here: https://bit.ly/diary-of-a-ceo-yt Ready to think like a CEO? Gain access to the 100 CEOs newsletter here: https://bit.ly/100-ceos-newsletter Follow me: https://g2ul0.app.link/gnGqL4IsKKb Sponsors: Shopify - https://shopify.com/bartlett Intuit - https://www.intuit.com/careers/ Perfect Ted - https://www.perfectted.com with code STEVEN40 for 40% off [Source](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li70iz1NaDY)

Source quotes

[0:00] Jeffrey: 我这一生从未觉得自己足够好，仿佛我永远无法在这个社会中挣得一席之地。 [2:03] Andy Cook: 我们的男孩出问题了。 [10:27] Scott Galloway: 我和儿子们最深厚的情感连接，往往发生在送他们上学的路上、在后院胡乱踢球打闹的日常琐碎中——也就是那些看似毫无意义的‘垃圾时间’。一旦你不住在同一屋檐下，这种自发的偶遇和连接机会就荡然无存，父亲与孩子的纽带便会不可避免地慢慢淡去。 [41:09] David: 在情感沟通领域，女性已经读到了研究生水平，而男性才刚上小学三年级。 [42:52] Brené Brown: 我们哀求男人敞开心扉、接纳我们走入他们的内心；可一旦他们照做了，我们又根本无法承受。 [42:52] 女人宁愿看到我死在白马之上，也不愿看到我从马上跌落下来摔得狼狈。 [66:01] Scott Galloway: show me a guy who's good in a bar, I'll show you a guy who will probably be good in a boardroom [83:11] Logan Ury: 如果你是自己衣橱里的一件衣服，你到底是什么？ [90:13] Scott Galloway: 你可以拥有一切，只是无法在同一时间全部拥有。 [97:08] Steven Bartlett: 我这辈子从没觉得自己这么一文不值（I've never felt more worthless）。 [103:08] Scott Galloway: 男性必须从小被教育：面对任何比你弱小、比你脆弱的人，你的第一反应必须是保护他们。就像军人、警察和消防员，男性气质的核心终究是护卫他人。 [113:15] Scott Galloway: 原谅你自己（forgive yourself）。 [138:12] Scott Galloway: 我最大的恐惧，就是自己那些自私的本能以一种丑陋的方式显现，最终落得孤身一人、孤独终老的下场……在刺眼的强光下，在陌生人的围观中死去。

Source quotes

[41:12] David: women are in graduate school when it comes to emotional conversations and guys are in third grade. [41:12] Brené Brown: We beg guys to open up... and then when they do, we can't stomach it. [41:12] Scott Galloway: A woman would rather see me die on the White Horse than fall off of it. [62:47] Scott Galloway: We're taking young men's mojo away with frictionless, open-access, on-demand porn. [67:51] Scott Galloway: No is the way to success. Show me someone who's successful, I'm going to show you a ton of 'no's. [75:17] Scott Galloway: More than 50% of men between the ages of 18 and 24 have never asked a woman out in person. [80:00] Logan Ury: Women are not expecting you to fly them to the moon. They want effort... You can get much farther than you think and be better than 90% of men by doing some of these bare-minimum things. [90:13] Scott Galloway: You can have it all, just not at the same time [97:08] I've never felt more worthless. [103:08] Steven Bartlett: The only thing that got me laid when I was broke was I was like slightly funny sometimes. [116:11] Liam: For me the biggest challenge that young men face today is I feel like I'm striving for meaning but I can't find it anywhere. I struggle to even sleep at night with some form of substance because my brain is constantly firing different scenarios at me that I'm failing in my life. When I am alone with my thoughts it's like having never-ending lesson about how useless I am and how I need to change everything in my life. And the hardest part is I can't even tell anybody this because I would feel weak. [116:11] Jeffrey: My entire life I've never felt like I was good enough, like I could never earn my place in society. And even though I think I've achieved some things by the age of 18, I still feel like deep inside I will never be enough and I'm still not enough and I can't tell anybody.

Original transcript

[0:00] this is a critical conversation around [0:02] truly the future of humanity but we [0:04] don't like to talk about this this [0:06] report is absolutely shocking this is a [0:08] crisis and young men are struggling so I [0:11] sat down with two leading voices on [0:12] societal issues to discuss the rise of [0:14] millions of lonely addicted men and the [0:17] most important question is how do we fix [0:19] this so let's start with this graph it [0:21] shows that young women are now out [0:22] earning young men it is true we have [0:25] given women so many tools to achieve but [0:27] now boys are being left behind and the [0:30] number of males aged 16 to 24 who are [0:32] not in education employment has [0:33] increased by staggering 40% and the data [0:36] I've seen is that when the woman in the [0:38] relationship starts making more money [0:39] they become twice as likely to get [0:41] divorced because traditionally women [0:43] seek Partners who have more economic or [0:45] social status than they do and emotional [0:47] intelligence is the new currency in [0:49] dating but these guys were raised not to [0:52] be emotionally intelligent but to be a [0:54] provider that a lack of male involvement [0:56] in kids lives is a big factor leading to [0:58] this and once they lose a male role [1:00] model they become much more likely to [1:01] engage in criminal activity and so we [1:03] are just creating a lot of these angry [1:05] young single men who are saying well [1:07] this is rigged against me we actually [1:09] asked some of audience to write in and [1:10] this guy Jeffrey wrote in and said my [1:12] entire life I have never felt like I was [1:14] good enough like I could never earn my [1:15] place in society it's devastating but [1:18] something that's controversial I got [1:19] push back on I think the secret weapon [1:21] for men that they don't Leverage is to I [1:24] want to hear a woman's perspective on it [1:26] honestly what I would do is [1:31] this has always blown my mind a little [1:32] bit 53% of you that listen to the show [1:35] regularly haven't yet subscribed to the [1:37] show so could I ask you for a favor [1:39] before we start if you like the show and [1:40] you like what we do here and you want to [1:42] support us the free simple way that you [1:43] can do just that is by hitting the [1:45] Subscribe button and my commitment to [1:47] you is if you do that then I'll do [1:48] everything in my power me and my team to [1:50] make sure that this show is better for [1:52] you every single week we'll listen to [1:53] your feedback we'll find the guest that [1:55] you want me to speak to and we'll [1:57] continue to do what we do thank you so [1:59] much [2:00] [Music] [2:03] Lost [2:04] Boys in March 2025 the center of social [2:08] justice released this report which is [2:10] sent a couple of shock waves across the [2:12] UK especially across the media and just [2:14] to give you a little bit of a sort of [2:16] preface and some context on what this [2:18] report says at the start of the report [2:20] Andy cook who's the CEO of the report [2:22] says we listen to those working on the [2:24] front line the teachers the youth [2:26] workers the Charities and the parents [2:28] who day in day out see the of young [2:30] people and in recent years they've been [2:32] telling us the same thing something is [2:35] going on with our boys and because of [2:38] this they wrote this report called The [2:39] Lost Boys which looks at all of the the [2:41] different facets of why young men are [2:42] struggling and in this report they say [2:44] boys are struggling in education they're [2:46] more likely to take their own lives [2:49] they're finding it more difficult to [2:51] find stable work and far too often [2:53] they're cour in crime the numbers don't [2:55] lie something has shifted and we cannot [2:57] ignore it any longer it's not just about [2:59] about and youate or online influences [3:02] these are symptoms not the cause the [3:04] deeper truth is that too many boys are [3:06] growing up without the guidance [3:07] discipline and purpose they need to [3:09] survive and there's some frankly [3:11] horrific graphs which actually sent the [3:13] CEO of my company A lady called Georgie [3:16] um into quite an emotional state she she [3:18] texted me and told me she was crying [3:19] look looking at some of these graphs [3:21] which we'll talk about today but this is [3:23] a subject that I know both of you know [3:25] very very well so I'm Keen to get into [3:27] exactly why this is happening and what [3:28] we can do about it but the preface this [3:30] discussion to understand where you both [3:32] come from and the perspective you have [3:35] Logan who are you yes and what do you do [3:38] I'm a behavioral scientist term dating [3:40] coach so that means that I take all the [3:42] lessons from the field of Behavioral [3:43] Science how we make decisions and then I [3:46] apply them to the field of relationship [3:48] science which is how love works and so [3:50] I'm really passionate about this topic [3:52] because for a long time I've found that [3:55] wherever I go people say oh I know all [3:58] these great single women do you know any [4:00] great single guys and I just thought oh [4:02] okay maybe that's always been happening [4:04] but when I actually dug into the data I [4:06] saw that we are truly in a dating crisis [4:09] right now and there is a huge mating gap [4:11] between the type of men that women are [4:13] looking for and the type of men that are [4:15] available this is a critical [4:17] conversation around truly the future of [4:19] humanity because marriage rates are down [4:21] that means birth rates are down and so [4:24] this conversation is extremely [4:27] important and what sort of reference [4:29] points do you Drew up on because you've [4:30] got some sort of unique access to data [4:32] right right so I work at hinge for the [4:34] last five years and so I accessed to [4:36] tons of data there around how daters are [4:38] dating now how daters are dating [4:40] differently what sets successful daters [4:42] apart and then I also have conducted my [4:44] own research for this conversation so I [4:47] sent out a survey to thousands of my [4:49] newsletter subscribers and people were [4:51] very excited to talk about this and I've [4:53] conducted a lot of new research that [4:55] I'll be sharing for the first time on [4:56] this topic um so I make my living at [5:00] data and trying to come up with insights [5:02] I spent most of my career looking at [5:04] data to try and make add shareholder [5:06] value and then I have the luxury now [5:07] focusing on things I'm really interested [5:08] in and I just sort of stumbled upon data [5:12] about it reflects that the cohort that [5:14] is ascended fastest globally is women [5:17] and this is a wonderful thing and a huge [5:19] Collective Victory and the group that [5:21] has fallen furthest fastest is men in [5:23] Western markets and the data was just so [5:26] overwhelming and also I was close to [5:30] being one of these men I didn't have a [5:32] lot of economic or romantic um prospects [5:35] when I was a young man but there were [5:38] programs and an environment where I [5:40] could be successful and I worry that [5:43] some of the Temptations of Technology [5:45] the economic [5:47] Trends uh had they [5:49] been where they are now then I could [5:52] have very easily ended up as statistic [5:54] so I just sort of relate to these [5:56] problems I'm Keen to understand from [5:58] your perspectives [6:00] what do you think like the first Domino [6:02] that falls in a young man's life or a [6:03] young boy's life that causes the [6:06] outcomes we're talking about today like [6:07] what is where is the first place to [6:09] start so the research I've looked at in [6:13] Richard Reeves from the American insute [6:14] of boys in medicine good research here [6:16] the the point of [6:17] failure if you reverse engineered issues [6:20] to is when a boy loses a male role model [6:23] and that is in the US we have the second [6:25] most single family uh parent homes [6:28] behind Sweden and what's interesting is [6:30] that in single parent homes girls [6:32] actually have similar outcomes similar [6:34] rates of High School attendance income [6:36] rates of self harm boys once they lose a [6:39] male role model become much more likely [6:41] to be incarcerated engage in criminal [6:43] activity harm themselves it ends up that [6:45] while being physically stronger boys are [6:48] emotionally and mentally much weaker so [6:51] the loss of a male role model is I would [6:54] argue kind of the first point of failure [6:57] that predicts that a kid aort is going [6:59] to struggle and that has impacts on [7:02] Family Court economic policy and just [7:05] general in our general zeis in our [7:07] society [7:08] where men need to step up if we want [7:11] better men we need to be better men we [7:13] need to step into that void another one [7:15] that Richard Reeves talks about is that [7:16] there's not enough men in the education [7:18] system so I believe when Tim Waltz was a [7:20] teacher one out of three teachers in his [7:22] school was a man but now it's like 24% [7:25] and so where do kids spend most of their [7:27] time in school and who's teaching them [7:30] mostly not men and it's and you think [7:33] well women can be fantastic teachers and [7:35] it's true but after school programs not [7:37] as many coaches that t typically are M [7:39] male not as much compensation so they [7:41] don't get rewarded for being coaches and [7:44] if you just think about it logically who [7:45] ises a teacher Champion a teacher [7:47] Champion is someone that reminds them of [7:48] themselves when they were a kid so and [7:52] also just look at the there's incredible [7:54] bias I would argue against males in [7:56] school a boy is twice as likely to be [7:59] suspended on a behavior adjusted basis [8:01] twice as likely to be suspended for the [8:02] exact same infraction is a girl five [8:05] times as likely if it's a black boy and [8:07] so and once you're suspended twice it [8:09] probably means you're not going to [8:10] college in addition look at the [8:11] behaviors we promote in school sit still [8:15] be a pleaser be organized raise your [8:17] hand you basically just described a girl [8:20] and so and also quite frankly a lot of [8:22] the jobs that require tertiary education [8:25] attainment there's more women now in law [8:27] school and medical school and quite [8:28] frankly good for them they're just [8:30] better at that they're better students [8:31] they deserve to make more money they [8:33] deserve it but the reality is it has [8:35] huge ramifications when we no longer [8:37] have wood Auto or metal shop they've [8:39] gone away right so those used to be a [8:41] past to do some middle- class jobs [8:42] they've been replaced by computer [8:44] science and so what are the paths for [8:47] the two-thirds of males that aren't [8:49] going to end up with a traditional [8:50] liberal arts college degree right and [8:52] just to add a few more stats to that so [8:54] we know that 70% of valid tans in the US [8:56] are female and women are much more [8:58] likely to be in the top 10% of their [9:00] class but then on the SAT men and women [9:04] or young men and women earn the same [9:05] scores so there's definitely something [9:07] happening in schools that is [9:09] prioritizing the female experience or [9:11] that women are better at that we [9:13] definitely want to celebrate the success [9:15] of women I think the changes that have [9:16] happened over the last 50 years are [9:18] incredible and I feel like I'm a [9:20] beneficiary of that and so is my [9:21] daughter if you look at all of the books [9:23] that my daughter was given when she was [9:25] born they're about great women in [9:27] history you can be anything dream big [9:30] little one and so I feel like we have [9:32] given women so many tools to achieve and [9:34] in many ways those have been manifested [9:37] but now boys are being left behind and [9:39] so this isn't a zero some game I was [9:41] nervous about coming on here because I [9:43] thought people would say she's a male [9:45] apologist she doesn't see how much women [9:47] are still struggling I think everyone is [9:49] struggling I think life is hard but [9:51] what's happening right now is we need to [9:53] have empathy for young men and we need [9:55] to bring them up because this isn't just [9:58] a problem about young men men and [10:00] patriarchy doesn't just hurt women a lot [10:03] of people think about the patriarchy as [10:04] something that prizes men and hurts [10:06] women but when there's a very narrow [10:08] definition of men everyone is hurt by [10:11] that and that's all the research that [10:12] I've done is over and over seeing women [10:15] feel like they are not enough good men [10:18] to date and men feel like they're being [10:20] held to a ridiculous standard of holding [10:23] both sides of the coin being feminine [10:25] and [10:26] masculine it turns out as you were [10:28] speaking I was looking at the stats [10:29] around fatherless homes and it turns out [10:31] that there has been a significant [10:32] increase in the amount of young boys [10:34] being raised without a father present [10:36] about 25% live without a biological step [10:39] or adoptive father according to the [10:41] National Fatherhood Initiative in the US [10:44] has the world's highest rate of children [10:46] living in a single parent household and [10:48] 92% of the time that's with the mother [10:50] alone and in 1968 only 11% of children [10:54] lived without lived with only their [10:56] mother compared to 21% in 2020 so that's [11:00] doubled in the last 50 odd [11:03] years which is pretty pretty staggering [11:06] and then obviously the consequence of [11:07] that as Scott described is that [11:09] individuals from farther absent homes [11:12] were 300% more likely to carry drugs to [11:15] carry guns to deal drugs um and all of [11:18] and there's this huge plethora of mental [11:19] health consequences if you don't have a [11:21] father in the home I mean what do we do [11:23] about that and like where are the [11:24] fathers yeah where are the role where [11:25] are they [11:26] going well it's it's complicated [11:30] there's there's male abandonment there's [11:32] just no getting around it but also going [11:34] back to Family Court sometimes the [11:36] courts in the finan you know our economy [11:38] make it difficult for a man to stay [11:41] involved in the kids's lives and [11:43] also um you know family courts getting [11:46] better at saying all right the kids I [11:48] mean just a personal anecdote I uh have [11:51] a friend who recently has gone through [11:52] divorce two daughters very much wants to [11:55] be involved in their lives they're 13 [11:58] and 15 year old girl and quite frankly [12:00] dad's there on the weekends and they got [12:01] their own thing going on and they don't [12:04] necessarily make dad a priority and [12:07] dad's not around for what I call the [12:08] garbage time and that is what I found [12:11] with my boys is the moments of [12:13] serendipity and connection happen [12:15] randomly when you're taking them to [12:16] school when you're out in the back you [12:19] know jumping around or playing whatever [12:21] it is these garbage moments and when [12:23] you're not in the household for whatever [12:25] reason there's just there isn't that [12:27] much garbage time and I think slowly but [12:30] surely they lose sometimes connection [12:33] with their kid there's also there's [12:34] something weird going on I'm curious [12:36] Logan if youve got date on this but you [12:39] have a one-year-old daughter right [12:41] you're G to be amazed when my 14y old [12:45] boy had a Halloween party and the boys [12:48] are like cute they're dopes they're boys [12:51] there's some 14-y old girls who look [12:52] like they could be the junior senator [12:54] from Pennsylvania they're 5'1 they're [12:56] articulate hello Mr Galloway how are you [12:58] with a love home the boys are like I [13:00] don't know and and biologically girls [13:04] mature faster their prefrontal cortex is [13:06] 18 months ahead of a boys an [13:08] 18-year-old girl or woman is competing [13:11] against a 16 and a half year old when [13:12] she's competing against an 18yearold and [13:15] they're even finding that it's getting [13:17] worse that women or girls are starting [13:19] to menstruate earlier and boys testicles [13:22] are descending later so the Gap in [13:25] maturity biological Gap they think might [13:27] even be growing and they don't know if [13:28] it's p [13:29] pesticides but when I meet my uh eighth [13:34] graders colleagues there's a huge [13:36] difference between yeah between us [13:39] between the boys and the girls and [13:41] Richard's one of Richard's suggestions [13:43] is that we red shirt boys that we hold [13:45] them a year back that boys start [13:47] kindergarten at 6 whereas girls start at [13:50] five so the research in the UK shows [13:52] that 70% of girls are ready to start [13:56] school at age five but many fewer boys [13:59] boys are capable of starting at that age [14:01] in terms of Readiness and so if you were [14:03] to hold boys back then they might be on [14:06] more equal playing field for those [14:08] critical moments of four to five of 13 [14:10] to 14 where the brains really develop at [14:12] a different [14:14] stage I want to talk about that sort of [14:16] Early Education experience and how it [14:17] can be adapted but also just like if the [14:19] environment of the classroom is right [14:20] for boys as we were talking about the [14:22] point about fathers at listeners as well [14:23] I found this graph which is also pretty [14:25] shocking and it it goes into what you [14:27] something you said Scott it basically [14:28] shows that the absence of a father on a [14:32] boy causes depressive symptoms but the [14:35] absence of a father on a young girl [14:38] doesn't cause the same depressive [14:39] symptoms which means that the absence of [14:42] a father for a boy drastically increases [14:45] their chance of being depressed whereas [14:46] if for a girl it doesn't there's a lot [14:49] of other graphs that look like that in [14:51] terms of women and young girls are just [14:53] actually a lot more resilient in [14:54] childhood so if you are in foster care [14:57] as a young woman you have less negative [14:59] outcomes than young men and so there's [15:01] this theory in parenting of is your a [15:03] child an orchid or a dandelion and so [15:05] the Orchid really needs very particular [15:08] situations to grow they need a certain [15:09] amount of light they need to be watered [15:11] in a particular way and they'll thrive [15:12] in some situations and they will not [15:15] thrive in others whereas a dandelion can [15:17] really survive in many situations and so [15:19] women young girls tend to be more [15:22] dandelion in childhood and so that's why [15:24] when you have a boy and a girl both in [15:27] negative situations the boy is more [15:29] negatively impacted boys are just weaker [15:32] there's a crazy stat I read that two uh [15:37] 15-year-olds a boy and a girl both [15:38] sexually molested and to be clear [15:40] they're equally heinous crimes but the [15:42] boy who's sexually molested is six to 10 [15:44] times more likely to kill himself later [15:46] in life it ends up that boys are just [15:48] less [15:50] resilient do you think there's somehow [15:52] more of a stigma there like I wonder why [15:55] that's talk about it uncomfortable feel [15:59] there's inia there's a lack I mean I [16:01] think just until a few years ago the [16:04] social incentives were to never speak [16:05] about it right I was on lwis house [16:07] podcast and he just openly said I was [16:10] sexually abused as a child and it was so [16:12] shocking for me wow to hear this big [16:14] handsome guy yeah I don't think he would [16:16] have said it 10 or 20 years ago I think [16:18] people would have assumed that it was [16:19] his fault it made him less of a man so I [16:23] I think a lot of that has hopefully [16:24] gotten better but we just have to [16:27] acknowledge boys [16:29] mentally and emotionally are weaker than [16:32] girls Lewis H didn't admit that until a [16:36] couple of years ago is that right so [16:38] he's lived with that his whole life and [16:39] wow it wasn't until he was I think [16:41] having dysfunction his relationships and [16:43] a few other things had happened that he [16:44] decided he wanted to say it publicly for [16:46] the first time which again feeds into [16:48] your point we actually um asked some of [16:50] our audience to write in and one of the [16:52] people that wrote in was a teacher in a [16:55] primary SL preschool and she said to me [16:57] she was an Anon teacher in Germany she [17:00] says every year it seems like more and [17:02] more children always boys have this new [17:05] energy to destroy the classroom dynamics [17:08] these boys almost always have two things [17:10] in common a lack of boundaries at home [17:12] an unsupervised unlimited access to all [17:14] kinds of content on the internet EG porn [17:17] their perception of what is okay and [17:19] what is Right becomes completely [17:20] distorted I have tried so many things [17:22] and every year it's becoming an even [17:24] bigger challenge [17:29] young boys in school so one proposal is [17:32] to delay education for boys put them in [17:35] education later is the classroom itself [17:37] a problem like they're sitting in school [17:40] listening to someone speak at you [17:42] someone proposed to me on this podcast [17:43] before that boys need more sort of [17:45] practical play and the classroom isn't [17:47] designed for that I wasn't sure if that [17:48] was well in in single sex boy school [17:52] they end up with double the amount of [17:53] recess ton and that is they they have I [17:57] I equate boys to dogs a happy dog is a [17:59] tired dog and if it's not tired if it [18:01] doesn't get to run it's going to cause [18:03] trouble and I feel the same way about [18:06] boys so in these schools where they [18:08] decide what's best for the boys there's [18:10] usually more exercise and more free play [18:12] and more rough housing co-ed schools and [18:15] you're also seeing I think with boys I [18:18] mean there's just [18:20] we by even acknowledging that men play a [18:24] critical Ro role in boys' lives a few [18:26] years ago that was seen as sexist what [18:29] you mean what you're saying moms can't [18:31] do this and I can just tell you there [18:33] are certain moments when my partner [18:36] needs me to weigh in I don't know if [18:38] it's the depth of my voice my physical [18:40] size the way they relate to me the fact [18:42] that I'm not you need [18:45] Dad or that's what I found especially [18:48] with boys they need almost like that [18:50] that that not physical [18:52] intimidation but it's almost like they [18:54] begin tuning out their mom over time I [18:56] mean they're incredibly close to their [18:57] mother that looked to her for n ing when [18:59] they really have a problem I find the go [19:00] to Mom but they will constantly test the [19:03] boundaries constantly and I think a lot [19:07] of a lot of single mothers quite frankly [19:09] with boys just can't keep a lid on that [19:12] kid they can't control the kid so and I [19:15] think you're finding at schools when [19:17] there's no male kind of I don't know [19:20] involvement or that that I don't know [19:23] what I'll call physical presence and [19:26] then you add on this dopa [19:29] uh machine that they get used to [19:30] squeezing a dopa bag a hundred times a [19:33] day as they need it and then you take [19:34] the dopa bag away they're just more [19:36] prone to emotional outbursts I'm curious [19:39] if you've done any research around why [19:42] that is that emotional Outburst more [19:44] common among boys than girls I haven't [19:48] done that research but I am imagining [19:50] that there's moms out there that are [19:51] raising Boys on their own and they might [19:53] be like yes it is hard but what do I do [19:56] right and so for that boy who isn't [19:58] taught a lot of guys in school and isn't [20:00] in the Boy Scouts which doesn't exist [20:02] anymore or doesn't have Big Brothers Big [20:06] Sisters like what does that Mom do so [20:09] with that you talk brought a Boy Scouts [20:10] in America there's there's Scouts for [20:12] America and it can be boys and girls [20:14] right but Girl Scouts have their own [20:15] single sex but boy scouts aren't allowed [20:17] to have their own single sex so the [20:19] question is all right you know what do [20:21] you do and I think that we need a [20:23] societal zeist that says immediately if [20:26] there's no longer a male involved we [20:27] have to get other men involved and [20:29] acknowledge that that's not being sexist [20:31] that that's you know that that's [20:33] important that you get men involved and [20:35] I think so I came from a single parent [20:37] household raised in by a single [20:39] immigrant mother who lived and died a [20:41] secretary light of my life as soon as my [20:43] dad was gone and then he had to move [20:44] away for work she got other men involved [20:47] in my life and I had wonderful men [20:50] involved in my life I had a stock Brer [20:52] neighbor down the hall came in with his [20:55] girlfriend and said you want to go hor [20:56] horseback riding you take me horseback [20:57] riding I don't don't know if men would [20:59] be comfortable doing that uh in today's [21:01] age so getting men involved in their [21:04] lives after school programs Boy Scouts I [21:07] had a lot of wonderful men I used to go [21:09] camping you know and there were men [21:12] everywhere involved in my life and I I [21:14] worri that a lot of those institutions [21:16] yeah and also there's a reticence and a [21:19] hesitance for men to get involved in a [21:21] boy's life that isn't theirs for fear [21:23] they're going to be perceived as [21:25] something's wrong with them I was [21:27] thinking that so if we have less men in [21:29] the home raising the children and then [21:31] we go to school and the stat says that [21:33] 72% of teachers in middle school are [21:34] women as well there's no men at school [21:37] either it's no wonder that boys are [21:39] struggling so severely at such a young [21:42] early early age for so many reasons [21:43] because one would assume that they're [21:46] being [21:47] socialized in the same way as [21:49] girls I'm seeing I've got a mother at [21:52] home don't have a father I've got women [21:55] at school don't have male teachers I [21:58] mean that's a controversial thing to say [21:59] I'm sure it used to be but I think [22:01] people are waking up a little bit now we [22:03] need more male teachers there's more [22:04] there's more female fighter pilots per [22:07] capita the male kindergarten teachers [22:09] there's just there's an absence there [22:11] are some boys not some there are [22:13] millions of boys in America whose first [22:15] male role model is a prison guard and [22:17] there just no men in their lives after [22:19] school programs being cancelled no women [22:22] very very few men K through 12 dad's not [22:25] around there are there are Community [22:28] there are literally communities you read [22:30] articles about it where it's like where [22:32] are the men yeah that's so I'm trying to [22:34] figure out where are [22:35] they online doesn't look like they're in [22:39] work they're not in college the reality [22:42] is they're just AR for a lot of reasons [22:45] a host of reasons male a lack of male [22:48] involvement in kids lives is a big big [22:50] factor leading this there are other [22:52] factors there's socioeconomic factors [22:53] there's biological factors there's a [22:56] lack of vocational training there's [22:59] Outsourcing of many of the jobs that [23:00] made a a man's path to the middle class [23:03] viable you want to talk about the UK a [23:06] big problem is a lack of growth yeah [23:08] there's just not there's not a lot of [23:09] income opportunities for a young man [23:12] who's not exceptional and what we've [23:13] seen in the US is essentially if you [23:15] look at our economic policies and [23:17] college it's never been better to be [23:20] remarkable like if you're in the top 10% [23:22] if you're high school class you're going [23:25] to make more money than the top 10% did [23:27] 102 30 if you end up at Google you're [23:31] you're going to make a kid at Google [23:32] who's amazing computer science the can [23:34] make millions of dollars by the time the [23:35] 30 but I can prove to every one of us [23:38] mathematically that 99% of our children [23:39] are not in the top 1% and our economic [23:42] policies have basically said that school [23:45] and college is meant to identify a super [23:49] class of 1centers that we're going to [23:50] try and turn into billionaires instead [23:52] of figuring out the infrastructure in [23:54] the programs to ensure the bottom 90 [23:55] have a shot of being at the top 10 and [23:57] one of the staff is just [23:59] around uh College acceptance when I [24:01] applied to UCLA the acceptance rate was [24:03] 76% now it's 9% I was unremarkable for [24:07] whatever reason prefrontal cortex single [24:09] mother whatever you want to call it but [24:11] back then they had the mission and the [24:13] charge to let in unremarkable kids and [24:16] that's no longer the case because [24:18] America's superpowers are optimism and [24:21] we all believe our kids in that top 1% [24:24] and the reality is they're not or people [24:27] think I like an economy where you can [24:29] make a billion dollars because that's [24:30] going to be me one day so they have [24:33] ignored the fact that we are crowding [24:35] more and more prosperity and opportunity [24:38] into the remarkable and I for me it [24:40] comes down to what is what do we want in [24:42] America in UK do we want a super class [24:44] of billionaires or do we want a society [24:45] in an operating system that gives [24:47] unremarkable people a shot of being in [24:49] the top [24:51] 10% uh it's become win or take all and [24:54] we have purposely created a set of [24:57] Economic and education policies that [24:59] Crow a massive amount of prosperity into [25:02] the top 1% and we have opted for it [25:05] because we believe we have a shot at [25:07] being in that top 1% I love that because [25:10] I think the winner takes all applies to [25:12] a lot of different things so I bet the [25:13] top 10% of Americans now are healthier [25:15] than they've ever been while the rest of [25:17] the country has never been healthy best [25:19] healthare in the world if you're in the [25:20] top 10% yeah or in marriages the top [25:22] marriages today are the best marriages [25:24] of all time yet we have declining [25:27] marriage rates so we're nearing the [25:29] lowest rate of marriage that we've ever [25:30] had in American history so most people [25:33] are or fewer people are getting married [25:35] but if you're you know two college [25:36] graduates who get married in your 30s [25:39] you might have an even stronger Bond [25:40] than people in the past but that is a [25:43] small group at the top marriages become [25:46] a luxury item yeah if you're in the top [25:48] Quintel of income earning households [25:50] you're you're 75% get married if you're [25:53] in the bottom quintile only 25 if you're [25:56] in the lower quintile of income in men [25:58] only one in four chance of getting [26:00] married and this has huge impact on our [26:02] society because we know that married [26:04] people are healthier they're wealthier [26:06] they live longer when couples are [26:09] married they actually have lower rates [26:10] of child poverty and so this has huge [26:13] implications for our society if we're [26:15] having fewer marriages especially when [26:16] you think about having fewer [26:18] babies I am I want to get into dating [26:21] and and marriage and love on all those [26:22] things I one of the things that really [26:24] shocked me as I Was preparing for this [26:25] conversation was this graph MH because [26:28] this isn't the narrative that we hear [26:29] can you both see this one this is the [26:31] reverse gender gap oh yeah gender pay [26:34] Gap graph and it shows that young women [26:36] and out out earning young men that's not [26:39] what I heard in terms of like if I log [26:42] onto social media we've been trying to [26:43] fight the gender pay Gap but to see that [26:45] young men are now falling behind both in [26:47] education both in unemployment young men [26:50] face higher unemployment nearly twice [26:51] the rate of women looking at the early [26:54] developmental stats this graph was [26:55] horrifying I like actually couldn't [26:57] believe that was true [26:58] that young young boys are struggling so [27:00] much in education but then to see also [27:02] that it's reflected in so that graph [27:04] shows that boys age 16 to 24 are making [27:08] 10% Less in full-time employment than [27:10] women and so it is true that we're [27:12] seeing a reverse income graph but what [27:15] we do need to talk about is even when [27:17] women make more in their 20s that [27:18] changes around age 30 they have kids [27:21] when they have kids right it's like this [27:23] meteorite hits and there's this huge [27:26] burden placed on women and I think [27:27] that's a big part of the conversation [27:29] that we'll talk about when we talk about [27:30] dating is women still feel like they [27:32] have to have you know do all the [27:34] household chores and raise the kids but [27:36] suddenly they have to earn a full-time [27:38] income too and so so many of the gender [27:41] roles are changing and so yes that graph [27:43] is true we have seen since 2020 that [27:45] there's a shift but I don't want to just [27:47] say oh women are making more in [27:49] perpetuity because as soon as there's [27:51] kids involved they pay the price you [27:53] know you said that women feel the need [27:55] to then also earn a career and those [27:58] things where did that come from well [28:00] there's this idea of hypergamy so [28:02] traditionally women seek Partners who [28:05] have more economic or social status than [28:08] they do and for most of human history [28:10] this worked because men had the [28:11] resources and so there was sort of this [28:13] Arrangement where women could often [28:15] marry someone who is more educated or [28:17] earned more but over the last 50 years [28:20] that's really changed and so what I'm [28:22] seeing in my work working one-on-one [28:24] with women is that when they say that [28:26] there aren't enough good guys to go [28:27] around that's actually true so we now [28:30] have this huge mating Gap where we have [28:32] these high- performing High earning [28:34] women that have done the work and gone [28:35] to therapy and work out and they're [28:37] ready for their great partner but [28:40] they're not able to find enough guys who [28:43] are available and If this is a problem [28:46] now with the women I work with in their [28:47] 30s we are going to be facing a much [28:50] more severe crisis 10 15 years from now [28:53] so currently 60% of college enrollment [28:56] is women but soon it's going to be for [28:59] every two women that graduate it'll be [29:01] one man so that means half of those [29:03] women will not have a guy who graduated [29:05] from college and so this is a crisis [29:08] because these women are saying okay if [29:11] you cannot be the provider then you need [29:14] to be offering more emotional [29:17] intelligence is the new currency in [29:18] dating but these guys were raised not to [29:21] be emotionally intelligent not to give [29:24] emotional support but to be a provider [29:26] and so they've been chasing this lion [29:28] I'm going to hunt for this Lion of being [29:30] a provider but suddenly they're told you [29:32] need to hunt for a tiger which is [29:33] emotional intelligence they don't have [29:36] the skills to do that and so women have [29:38] raised the bar in terms of what they [29:40] need from men while men are continuously [29:43] falling [29:44] behind yeah there's there's a lot there [29:46] there's some Nuance around the pay thing [29:48] so the data I've seen is that women [29:49] under the age of 30 in urban areas are [29:51] now making more money but to your point [29:54] the moment they have kids where [29:55] Corporate America has really failed is [29:57] it hasn't figured out out a way to [29:58] maintain a woman's professional [29:59] trajectory once she decides to deploy [30:01] her ovaries and have kits and there's [30:03] some data saying okay two-thirds of [30:05] divorce can be reverse engineered to the [30:07] man starting to make less money if if [30:10] when the woman in the relationship [30:12] starts making more money they become [30:13] twice as likely to get divorced three [30:15] times as likely to use ED drugs because [30:17] the guy loses a sense of purpose and [30:19] self-esteem what gets lost in that data [30:22] is the reality is if a woman is stepping [30:25] up and stepping into the economic void [30:27] and being more econom [30:28] ially uh being a greater economic [30:31] contributor then logically it would make [30:33] sense that men need to step up [30:35] logistically and I think what a lot of [30:36] women are saying is like okay I'm not [30:39] getting anything I'm not you're no [30:41] longer a provider and by the way you [30:42] haven't filled that void you hadn't made [30:44] up the Delta so there's some there's [30:47] some nuan around it what what also I [30:49] think is important to say is that if [30:50] women are better students and showing [30:54] the discipline and the skills to go to [30:55] college in an information economy and [30:57] making more money [30:58] then okay good on them just as for [31:02] whatever reason men made more money [31:03] maybe it wasn't fair but you know it's [31:05] not a crime against humanity if women [31:08] have the skills to make more money what [31:10] happens though is the second order [31:12] effects that you're talking about and [31:13] that is we don't like to talk about this [31:15] 75% of women say that economic viability [31:19] is hugely important in a may only 25% of [31:22] men for men it's not a criteria for [31:24] women it is and Chris Williamson of the [31:26] modern wisdom podcast he has has this [31:28] great Stat or it calls out the high [31:29] heels effect and that is 50% of women [31:32] say they won't date a man shorter than [31:33] them I'm curious what you think but I [31:35] think it's more like 80% I think it's [31:37] embarrassing thing to say because just [31:39] instinctively women feel like they'll be [31:41] vulnerable during gestation and they [31:42] want someone they think physically could [31:44] protect them I just think it's hardwired [31:45] into them even if they don't know it [31:48] women metaphorically are getting taller [31:50] every year and women made horizontally [31:52] and up and Men horizontally and down and [31:55] when the pool of horizontal and up keep [31:58] shrinking they just have so this notion [32:01] a ton of great women where are the men [32:04] or there's no men there's a lot of men [32:06] just not men they'd want to date right [32:08] and then you speedball it with the guys [32:11] who are in the top 10% can engage in [32:13] Porsche polygamy they can get a date [32:16] every goddamn night which does not [32:17] encourage long-term or very good [32:19] behavior so the guys they all want are [32:23] not incented to enter into long-term [32:25] relationships and the bottom half of men [32:28] are literally shut out of the mating [32:30] market and we always kind of we always [32:33] kind of and this goes to your bwick kind [32:35] of portray men as the Predators and the [32:37] idiots and the they just got their act [32:39] together there's something strange going [32:41] on in that is online dating when a woman [32:44] a woman can go out with a guy a high [32:46] status male and I'll put forward this [32:48] thesis and I want you to respond to it [32:50] she can have sex with him which gives [32:52] her the impression that's her weight [32:54] class for a relationship but he's not [32:56] interested in a relation ship and then [32:59] she basically decides the bottom 90 are [33:02] no longer in her weight class and you [33:04] can't tell a woman to lower expectations [33:07] but the reality is and what the data [33:10] I've seen on dating apps is that all of [33:13] the women want the same few guys and [33:15] they shut out the rest yeah okay so [33:18] there's a few things I'll respond to [33:19] there so one going back to the income [33:22] graph I want to just call out that yes [33:25] right now in a few Urban markets women [33:27] are making more than men so women in DC [33:30] in New York under 30 are making more [33:32] than men on average but in most [33:34] situations men are still making more [33:36] than women but we're talking about a [33:37] projection going back to the dating [33:40] research so yes it's exactly as you [33:42] described what we have right now is [33:44] there's fewer and fewer men that are [33:46] hypergamous mates for women so if [33:49] there's a much smaller pool of guys then [33:52] what you have is you have a bunch of [33:53] women competing for the same men and [33:56] then a bunch of guys getting ignored but [33:58] what I also see is that those top guys [34:01] are having a hard time deciding so I [34:03] feel like in my coaching practice as a [34:05] dating coach I'm working with a lot of [34:06] women who say what do I do I've changed [34:08] my profile the way you said I should I [34:10] took your class but I still feel like [34:12] there's just not enough great guys and [34:14] then I work with these CEO men who are [34:17] having such a hard time choosing and so [34:19] I think we really have this exacerbated [34:21] problem where so many women are [34:24] competing for the same men and then a [34:26] bunch of guys are getting ignored and [34:27] then what ends up happening is where do [34:29] those guys go and they go online that's [34:32] what you see they go to porn they go to [34:34] porn or they go to Reddit I mean I love [34:36] Reddit but they're really going to some [34:38] of these redpilled communities and so [34:40] what you're seeing now is just men [34:41] really opting out of society so when you [34:44] go back to that Stat one in seven young [34:46] men in the UK is neat not an employment [34:49] education or training they have just [34:51] opted out and as Scott says there's [34:53] nothing scarier than a single man a [34:57] young single man and so we are just [34:59] creating a lot of these angry young [35:01] single men who are saying well this is [35:04] rigged against me and so that's why I am [35:06] worried about the rise of people like [35:08] Andrew Tate and if we wonder where are [35:10] the dads where are the men well men are [35:12] finding these father figures but they're [35:14] finding them online and they're not the [35:16] father figures that I would choose for [35:18] the majority of men and so I'm really [35:21] worried about this because I feel like [35:23] women are saying guys you need to step [35:25] up because I can provide and I don't [35:27] need from you and guys are not prepared [35:30] to rise to the occasion what what are [35:32] women looking for he Scott talked about [35:34] height yeah so I would say you know I [35:36] work at hinge but I do think that apps [35:38] have perpetuated this issue around [35:40] height because if you can set your [35:42] height filter to something then you [35:44] might set it higher and then it's as if [35:46] you have the dating app is a club and [35:48] you're literally having bouncers that [35:50] prevent a bunch of guys from even [35:52] getting into the club so many women in [35:55] the US set their height filters at 6 [35:57] feet but but only 14% of men in the US [35:59] are six feet or taller so what happens [36:02] to the other 86% of men and women are [36:05] saying where's my guy it's like well you [36:07] he's not even showing up on your app and [36:09] so a huge thing that I push women to do [36:12] is to change their height filters and [36:14] just say there is nothing that proves [36:16] that you're going to have a successful [36:17] long-term relationship if the guy is [36:19] higher I'm married to a short King I [36:22] love it I feel like I really found this [36:25] Gem and I think that so many women are [36:27] missing out on great potential partners [36:29] because of things like height Scott's [36:31] Point as well about they will date one [36:33] of the men in the top 10% yeah sleep [36:36] with him potentially and then that kind [36:38] of adjusts their standards and they [36:39] expect all other men to meet that [36:41] standard but there isn't just there [36:42] isn't enough men to meet that standard [36:43] is that I haven't specifically heard [36:45] that I mean there is a lot of evidence [36:46] around a sort of mating that people sort [36:49] of have an internal sense of how [36:50] attractive they are and that they end up [36:52] with someone similar to that but aort of [36:54] mating is different than hypergamy which [36:57] is really this idea as Scott said that [36:59] women tend to date horizontally and up [37:02] and men date horizontally and down so if [37:04] you have two-thirds of women who are [37:06] college grads and onethird of college [37:09] grads who are men and some of them are [37:10] going to date women without college [37:12] degrees you truly do have this dating [37:14] crisis where there's just not enough men [37:17] to meet this hypergamous mating again [37:20] you can't tell women to lower their [37:21] expectations but this is the reality [37:23] when you ask a man if you could have a [37:26] woman who had 80% of everything you [37:27] wanted 75% say yeah I'm on board when [37:31] you say to a woman a man has 80% of what [37:33] you want 75% say that's that's not [37:36] enough but if you but but even look at [37:39] the media right right right what does [37:40] the media tell a woman to do he's out [37:43] but he didn't open your door he's not [37:44] nice to his parent you walk walk right [37:47] out on that man like it's literally [37:50] every piece of media is you don't need [37:52] him you're a strong independent woman [37:54] pull the rip cord you're out and [37:58] it is the the the basic kind of [38:02] communication around this is you are a [38:04] strong independent powerful woman that [38:05] is wonderful and quite frankly you don't [38:08] need the imperfect man and uh they're [38:12] just not they're just not connecting I [38:14] read that on Tinder a man of average [38:18] attractiveness has to swipe right 200 [38:21] times to get one coffee and then four of [38:24] those five coffees will ghost him [38:28] they will they will decide they don't [38:30] want to meet him or they won't show up [38:33] that means a guy of average [38:34] attractiveness has to swipe right a [38:36] thousand times to get one coffee now [38:39] what does that tell that guy women don't [38:41] value me women make me feel rejected and [38:44] then they go online and they meet they [38:46] see these misogynists telling them it's [38:48] not your fault and these men become much [38:51] more prone to misogynistic content much [38:53] more prone to nationalistic content [38:56] blaming other people for the lack of [38:58] Economic Opportunity they start [39:00] sequestering from society I worry that [39:02] we are literally evolving a new species [39:04] of asexual asocial male and if a man by [39:08] the age of 30 hasn't either lived with [39:10] someone or married someone there's a one [39:12] in three chance he's going to have a [39:14] substance abuse problem wow in addition [39:16] it goes so much deeper than that [39:18] because if they don't develop the [39:21] skills you know the reason romantic [39:23] comedies are 2 hours and not 15 minutes [39:25] is this is hard like finding an [39:27] attractive intelligent woman generally [39:29] speaking 75% of people who've been [39:30] married longer than 30 years say in the [39:32] beginning one was much more interested [39:34] than the other and it was almost always [39:35] the man women are women are much [39:37] choosier the basic the basis of [39:39] evolution is seed trying to get [39:41] everywhere men and women to playing a [39:43] much finer filter to to select the [39:46] strongest smartest and fastest speed so [39:48] men need an environment to demonstrate [39:50] excellence and you hear these woman talk [39:51] about he was kind he was good at work I [39:54] like the way he smelled he was funny [39:56] where do men demonstrate Excellence when [40:00] they're not going to college they're not [40:02] going into an office because of remote [40:04] work where do they have they're not [40:06] going to church they're not going to [40:07] Temple where does a woman have the [40:10] opportunity to fall in love other than [40:13] these Baseline metrics and you were [40:15] talking [40:16] about women say you've seen these Tik [40:19] toks over $100,000 that's not [40:21] unreasonable and over 6 feet that's 2.2% [40:24] of the male [40:25] population so where where do they fall [40:28] in love where can a man demonstrate [40:30] Excellence it used to be go to Temple [40:32] seven single women seven single men and [40:34] they kind of pair it off and worked it [40:36] out and online dating similar to online [40:39] e-commerce online rentals it's created a [40:43] winner take most if not all environment [40:46] and it's it's basically been amazing for [40:50] attractive guys attractive wealthy guys [40:52] tall wealthy guys it's been amazing for [40:54] them for all the other guys it's been a [40:56] disaster and it's been made it mildly [40:58] shittier for every woman it it is the [41:02] digitization of mating I believe has [41:04] been a disaster it's been bad for women [41:07] it's been disastrous for [41:09] men I want to talk about how the genders [41:12] seem to be separating in a lot of [41:13] important ways we know from research [41:15] around political affiliation that women [41:17] are now on average 30% more liberal than [41:19] men so they are definitely experiencing [41:21] political polarization then for the [41:23] first time in history more men are [41:26] attending church than and women and when [41:28] I started this research I really came at [41:30] it from this point of is it just me or [41:33] there not as many eligible guys but when [41:35] I dug into this I found that both [41:38] genders really feel misunderstood and so [41:41] I asked men and women who has more power [41:43] in relationships so equal amounts men [41:46] and women said oh we have the same [41:48] amount of power 42% of that but then [41:50] what was so interesting is that 46% of [41:53] men said women have more power and 46% [41:56] of women said men have more power so [41:58] there's this huge feeling of oh the [42:00] other gender has all of this power and [42:03] when I spoke to people I want to tell [42:04] you about three dating paradoxes that I [42:07] saw so the first dating Paradox for men [42:10] is this idea that now that women are [42:13] providers and do not need a man to take [42:15] care of them financially they really [42:17] want guys to step up with emotional [42:19] support but here's the Paradox they were [42:21] not raised and they don't know how to [42:23] give that emotional support or emotional [42:25] availability so we know women even if [42:28] they have the same number of friends as [42:29] guys the women are talking to their [42:31] friends much more often women speak to [42:34] their kids even starting at a very young [42:36] age they use more emotional language [42:38] with their daughters and their sons so [42:40] constantly we have this feeling where [42:41] we're asking men to do something when [42:43] they don't have the skills I was talking [42:45] to my friend David and he said women are [42:47] in graduate school when it comes to [42:49] emotional conversations and guys are in [42:50] third grade the other part of the [42:52] Paradox is that women are asking men to [42:55] be more emotionally open [42:57] but then they get shamed when they do [42:59] that so we have this great quote from [43:01] ber Brown where she says we beg guys to [43:03] open up we beg them to let us in and [43:05] then when they do we can't stomach it [43:08] and I heard that over and over in my [43:10] research there's this quote where a guy [43:11] says a woman would rather see me die on [43:14] the White Horse than fall off of it and [43:16] so there's this sense that I have to be [43:18] perfect I have to be the masculine and [43:21] The Feminine but I don't have the skills [43:23] to do that and women say that they want [43:26] these guys to be Emo but as soon as they [43:28] show emotionality it can freak those [43:30] women out so one guy that I spoke to for [43:33] this said I went on a few dates with [43:35] this woman at some point I told her that [43:37] my mom had had a suicide attempt and the [43:39] next day she texted me and said I'm [43:41] sorry I can't see you I cannot process [43:44] your emotional trauma for you and so [43:46] guys are getting a lot of mixed messages [43:48] we want you to be feminine we want you [43:49] to support us but when you do it freaks [43:52] us out and so we don't want that and [43:54] digging into the research and I want to [43:56] look into this more I think it's that a [43:58] lot of women want emotional support they [44:00] want you to support them in their [44:01] emotional Journeys but they're not as [44:04] ready to have you open up in your [44:06] emotional Journey can I put forward a [44:08] thesis and I want you to respond to it [44:10] because I haven't done the [44:13] research in marketing we call it [44:15] consumer dissonance what people say they [44:17] want yeah and then what they actually [44:18] buy and what women say they want is an [44:21] emotionally in touch man and what they [44:24] want is a masculine man and that they [44:27] will articulate what they want in a man [44:28] and includes being more emotionally [44:31] available and then they want to have sex [44:33] with a traditional masculine man and [44:36] what I hear from a lot of and this is [44:37] anecdotal evidence and it's pulse [44:39] marketing and you tell me what the data [44:41] says but there's just so many single [44:44] women in my age group and there's L it [44:46] feels like there's literally no men in [44:47] my age group as bad as it is for people [44:49] in their 20s and 30s trying being a [44:51] woman in your 50s trying to date right [44:53] and they tell me the same thing these [44:56] are liberal Progressive educated women [44:58] they say by the way I like a manly man [45:00] yeah and they say it under their breath [45:03] so there's what [45:05] supposedly is stated around I need more [45:07] emotional availability someone's touch [45:08] with their [45:09] feelings but what the research shows is [45:12] they want a guy with facial hair who's [45:14] the who's still women are still very [45:16] attracted to traditional masculine [45:19] attributes yeah I mean I think we're [45:21] just in such a hard moment because you [45:23] have women who are saying I don't want [45:25] to date a guy who earns less than me and [45:28] you might think okay well the data [45:30] hasn't caught up with the dating if more [45:32] women are in higher education and more [45:34] women are earning more then maybe you're [45:36] going to be the one who earns more in [45:38] your relationship but what they feel [45:40] like is projecting out I'm going to end [45:42] up doing most of the housework most of [45:44] the child care I might as well get a guy [45:46] that can contribute financially so they [45:48] don't want to change their expectations [45:50] around that and so I think we truly are [45:52] in a moment where women are being asked [45:54] to do more masculine things and men are [45:57] being asked to do more feminine things [45:59] and I think a lot of that is progress [46:01] but it also seems to be creating a lot [46:03] of confusion in the dating [46:05] world yeah it's sort of was just [46:07] thinking I coach a lot of young men and [46:10] occasionally women ask me for dating [46:11] advice and you coach it sounds like a [46:13] lot of both and what I first thing I say [46:16] to men is I asked them like would you [46:17] want to have sex with [46:18] you all right are you in shape what do [46:21] you look like naked are you do you have [46:23] a plan you don't have to be rich now but [46:25] do you have a plan right uh have you do [46:28] you have you found means of being [46:29] confident can you demonstrate kindness [46:32] and Excellence across anything and the [46:34] the only advice I give women is second [46:36] coffee and that is maybe it wasn't great [46:39] I mean if you don't like the guy and [46:41] you're just like turned off fine but if [46:43] it was just okay maybe give it a second [46:46] coffee I have a chapter in my book [46:48] called make the second date the default [46:50] yeah and it's really because I feel like [46:52] I won the lottery with my husband but he [46:54] is somebody that takes longer to open up [46:56] and he's this lowb bur we met in college [46:58] we met again s years later then we were [47:00] friends for a year and I feel like he's [47:02] this incredible partner husband father [47:05] but I don't know that if we'd met just [47:07] randomly on the first date that I would [47:08] have gone on the second date and so I [47:10] think people really do need to train [47:11] themselves to look for these slow burs [47:13] Logan Scott said something there about [47:15] what he thinks women want which is these [47:17] sort of traditional masculine features [47:19] is this what you see in the data what's [47:21] hard is I think Scott's right about what [47:23] people say they want versus like so [47:26] stated versus preferences so according [47:29] to the research that I did women are [47:31] saying the number one thing that they're [47:32] looking for is kindness and compassion [47:34] that's also what men are saying that [47:36] they're looking for so in many ways this [47:38] is great people are looking for the same [47:40] things but I just feel like there's [47:41] these huge disconnects now where people [47:43] don't feel like they can get what they [47:45] want men are saying they want kindness [47:47] and compassion that was I made them say [47:49] what are all the things that you care [47:50] about and then what is the number one [47:51] thing that you care about and kindness [47:53] and compassion was first for both of [47:55] them the stuff I've seen or the stuff [47:57] I've read is that for women and I talked [48:00] to men about this number one is they [48:04] have to Signal resources and we don't [48:06] like to say it out loud and by the way [48:07] it doesn't necessarily mean you have to [48:08] have a Range Rover and a panel right now [48:10] but you have a plan right you you have [48:13] your together you go home at [48:16] midnight when everyone's partying [48:17] because you have to be up for work you [48:19] work out which shows a level of [48:21] discipline and that you can commit to [48:22] something you're in school you've got a [48:24] good job this person is going to have [48:26] resour resources and I don't think [48:28] that's changed a whole lot I think a [48:31] man's ability to to Signal future [48:32] resources has gone down I'm not sure [48:34] it's become any less of a criteria [48:36] number two is intellect and it's very [48:39] instinctual because if you make good [48:40] decisions for the tribe your kids are [48:43] more likely to survive someone who's [48:45] smart is more likely to take care of [48:47] your Offspring than someone who's stupid [48:49] what's interesting and I love this is [48:51] the fastest way to communicate intellect [48:54] is humor and I joke I joke this is bad [48:57] but I say this is my impression of a [48:58] woman I'm laughing I'm laughing I'm [49:00] naked and that is I've always thought if [49:03] a guy can make a woman laugh she will [49:05] she will date him and then the third [49:07] thing and this is where guys screw up [49:09] this is what I tell a guy's secret [49:12] weapon is it's kindness women want to [49:16] see that you are a good person you you [49:19] treat service staff well you're good to [49:21] your parents you have manners you treat [49:23] people well even with no reciprocal [49:25] expectation because they know that a [49:27] kind person if and when she's vulnerable [49:31] and needs help and maybe isn't bringing [49:33] as much to the table for certain periods [49:34] of time that that this is a kind man and [49:39] you know sure you want to do your best [49:40] to Signal resources and have a plan sure [49:43] maybe you're smart maybe you aren't [49:44] there's not a lot you can do there but [49:46] the secret weapon I think for men that [49:48] they don't leverage and I do think it's [49:50] a practice is to demonstrate kindness [49:53] and we don't talk about that enough as [49:55] men it's like well okay and it's little [49:57] things have good manners be thoughtful [50:01] follow up with people and I I think that [50:04] anyways those are the three things that [50:05] I have read women want uh in men okay [50:10] there's so much there so one one is I do [50:13] think we need a new definition for [50:15] modern masculinity or mature masculinity [50:18] or evolved masculinity and I think that [50:20] that's why this moment feels so painful [50:22] is that we don't have it because I agree [50:24] with you I don't think women are saying [50:26] I want a feminine man I think they want [50:28] a modern masculine man and so that means [50:31] somebody who is decisive and can provide [50:35] but also somebody who's able to [50:37] communicate with them emotionally and so [50:39] one of the suggestions that I came here [50:41] today to talk about is this idea of [50:43] men's groups so about a year ago my [50:45] friend David claven who happens to be a [50:48] world-class magician came to my husband [50:50] and said I'm going to form this men's [50:52] group and so it's about six or seven men [50:54] and they meet together monthly and and [50:56] they have served they they have formed [50:58] this Council of peers so every month [51:01] that they get together every guy sits [51:03] down with Post-it notes and says the two [51:04] issues that are most pressing for him so [51:06] first of all I think that that's a great [51:08] way of doing it because it's actually [51:09] that time to say what am I struggling [51:12] with I think many people in their lives [51:14] maybe especially men don't sit there and [51:16] saying what's top of mine for me so guys [51:18] get the quiet time to do that then they [51:20] go around in a circle and whoever has [51:22] the most pressing issue they get to take [51:24] their time and some men might say know [51:26] these are top of mind for me but it's [51:28] not a priority I'll give the time to [51:29] someone else and each month they talk [51:32] about what's going on for them they hold [51:34] each other accountable so month three [51:36] they might say hey David you've been [51:37] talking about that for the last three [51:39] months are you going to actually do [51:40] anything about it and I love that these [51:42] men have a masculine space to actually [51:45] go through what's going on for them [51:47] because maybe they have wives and [51:49] girlfriends they can go to maybe they [51:51] don't but I think it's a different type [51:52] of advice that you get from a council of [51:55] trusted peers and I really do think that [51:58] men's groups could change a lot of these [52:00] issues because I can sit here and say [52:02] everybody should be in therapy guess [52:04] what therapy is really expensive and [52:06] many insurance companies will not [52:08] provide it or there's a huge waiting [52:09] list and so if we just sit around for [52:11] all these guys to go to therapy that's [52:13] not going to happen but men's groups are [52:15] a way that men can lead each other they [52:18] can provide this tribe of peers and I [52:21] have just seen so many changes in this [52:23] group so David told me his story where [52:25] he had a lot of anger about his mom's [52:27] debilitating illness and he wasn't [52:30] really experiencing it and it was coming [52:32] out as anger at his mom but he wasn't [52:33] conscious of that but by getting the [52:35] anger out in a safe place with men the [52:38] only place where he felt like he could [52:40] truly be angry he was able to get over [52:42] it and to actually treat his mom with a [52:44] lot more empathy or my husband has gone [52:47] to the group and talked about ego stuff [52:49] at work or how hard the transition to [52:51] becoming a parent has been and I feel [52:54] like the men in this group have grown so [52:56] much over the 12 months that it's been [52:58] happening that I just paid for my [53:00] brother-in-law to be in a men's group [53:02] and I want there to be tons of men's [53:03] groups because I really feel like this [53:05] isn't an issue that a therapist or a mom [53:08] or I can really solve I think men need [53:10] to be solving this problem within [53:12] themselves where you said is really [53:13] powerful because if you walk down the [53:15] hallway at Stern there's golden seeds [53:17] Venture cap women and Venture Capital [53:20] black women's Consulting Club there [53:22] there are women's [53:24] supporters there's nothing for men and [53:27] these groups are really wonderful man [53:30] talks is one that I've been looking at [53:32] where they've said let's get together [53:33] and just be supportive of each other and [53:36] it's and it's a fairly new phenomenon I [53:39] think people are afraid of men Gathering [53:41] because traditionally bad things have [53:42] happened in that right there I mean [53:45] gangs I'm just thinking of like many [53:47] situations in which like if once there's [53:49] a TIY torch I want there to be some [53:51] women there right like so there's a [53:53] reason why people have been fearful of [53:54] this or it's like when the whole world [53:56] was was a men's group a men's club you [53:59] didn't need to have Men's Clubs but I [54:00] think in this moment this is a really [54:03] powerful organic Grassroots way for men [54:06] to change so I imagine that you have [54:08] group chats with men that are your peers [54:11] that you go to for advice and I feel [54:13] like there's men out there that don't [54:14] have that and we are meant to make [54:17] decisions by getting advice from other [54:20] people I personally have a board of [54:22] directors that in my life when I'm going [54:24] to make a big decision I meet with them [54:26] so when I took my last job when I [54:28] decided to move all these different [54:30] things I meet with my board of directors [54:32] and I say what am I not seeing what are [54:34] my blind spots and they've given me a [54:37] lot of good and hard advice and I think [54:39] we all need to be building our own board [54:41] of directors and for men that might be [54:43] this men's group do you mind if I pause [54:46] this conversation for a moment I want to [54:47] talk about our show sponsor today which [54:49] is Shopify I've always believed that the [54:51] biggest cost in business isn't failure [54:53] it's the time you waste 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[55:38] Bartlet it is hard as a as a young man [55:41] to um share how you feel with other [55:44] young men even if they like your best [55:45] friends it's so much easier just to [55:46] roast each other yeah like my my group [55:49] chat with my guys yeah is probably a [55:51] little bit more advanced in in terms of [55:53] emotional openness but most of it is [55:55] just like a war zone well like izing [55:56] each other attacking each other but [55:58] that's kind of our way of showing love [55:59] and then you'll have once every two [56:02] weeks someone will be going through [56:03] something so like one of my friends now [56:06] he they' just found out that there's a [56:08] complication with the pregnancy and the [56:10] tone shifts and we all become supportive [56:12] but my girlfriend tells me how rare that [56:14] is that we have this space where we'll [56:15] we'll talk about our emotions and how [56:17] we're feeling and we'll swi switch from [56:19] like trying to kill each other in the [56:20] most like funny way to being really [56:22] really emotionally supportive a lot of [56:24] men don't have that well so funny you [56:26] said that because my husband's really [56:27] funny and so are some of the other guys [56:29] in the group and they actually had to [56:30] talk about how they needed to be less [56:32] funny because the F the humor was [56:34] becoming a distraction and somebody [56:36] brought up you know in their own male [56:38] way like I think that sometimes we're [56:40] about to go deep and then someone makes [56:41] a joke and even though that joke was [56:43] really good we don't go back to where we [56:45] were and we don't go as deep so they [56:46] actually work on being less funny in [56:48] that group but look at the work that you [56:50] do you sit for hours a week and you [56:52] learn and you ask people questions and [56:53] you're working on yourself I'm not [56:55] surprised that you have a group of peers [56:57] that you can go to for that but I would [56:59] wager that the average man doesn't have [57:01] that and I feel like there are going to [57:03] be so many women who are listening and [57:05] watching this and they're like I want [57:06] that for my husband what is the [57:08] evolutionary basis for this this is what [57:10] I was thinking the whole time I was like [57:11] did we lose the man's group at some [57:13] point in our past and is that why we're [57:15] adding it back into our lives like what [57:17] was what used to do this job before so [57:19] what I've heard and I think evolutionary [57:22] biology you always have to take certain [57:23] things with a grain of salt because [57:24] people can kind of explain away any with [57:26] it but it's that a lot of times men were [57:29] sitting next to each other and they were [57:31] having these conversations on the [57:33] Savannah and that's often why like guys [57:34] prefer to do activities side by side and [57:37] not facing each other and so you had men [57:40] who were in conversation with their [57:42] peers or you know and outside and [57:46] outside hey heard you getting divorced [57:49] right right or it's like you know why [57:50] it's so good to have conversations in [57:52] the car I feel like you had a lot of men [57:55] that were in groups at church you had [57:57] men who were in The Elks Club you had [57:59] veterans that were meeting we actually [58:01] feel like this is a time where much [58:03] fewer men are getting together and this [58:04] is all of the amazing research that's [58:06] happening now around loneliness is that [58:08] the average young guy is spending many [58:11] fewer hours a week with their peers face [58:14] to face so even though a guy might be [58:15] catching up with his friend playing [58:17] video games I just don't think that [58:19] that's the same thing and so I feel like [58:21] we need this in-person time with our [58:24] friends to develop these relationships [58:26] and instead we have people on Tik Tok [58:28] people on Twitch watching other people [58:30] live their lives you brought up two [58:33] interesting thing you when is your your [58:35] your friend group I have a similar group [58:37] same eight gu eight guys I live with my [58:39] freshman here at UCLA for 30 or 40 years [58:42] we've been kind of Constant Contact [58:44] email now on [58:45] WhatsApp when your friend had something [58:48] bad happen to him I think for a long [58:50] time men have waited and show empathy [58:52] for each other what none of my male [58:54] friends have ever done their friend [58:56] group would say is I I've never heard [58:58] one of my male friends go I'm depressed [59:01] I'm I'm just super lonely and [59:04] depressed you just don't hear that from [59:06] Men I'm struggling with anger I'm I have [59:09] I'm all of a sudden I have a rectile [59:11] dysfunction you would just I've never [59:13] heard one of my male friends when their [59:15] mom dies or they get divorced we weigh [59:17] in with a lot of empathy but you never [59:19] hear them really open up because men are [59:22] worried that if we display weakness [59:24] another man might kill us [59:26] and take our from us or the women [59:28] aren't going to want to have sex with us [59:31] so there's still I think a huge [59:33] inability for men to proactively talk [59:36] about how they're really feeling and [59:38] then you talked about a board of [59:40] directors a great Board of Directors for [59:42] a man in his 20s unfortunately not [59:44] unfortunately is a girlfriend yeah and [59:47] I'll just use personal [59:49] experience I had a great girlfriend when [59:51] I was 24 and she basically said to me if [59:53] you don't stop getting high every night [59:55] I'm going Toop stop having sex with you [59:57] that was very motivating for me I really [60:00] liked being with a [60:02] partner without the guardrails of a [60:05] romantic relationship I think men are [60:07] just I want to say lost but women create [60:11] more social connections outside of a [60:13] romantic relationship and sometimes that [60:15] absence of a romantic relationship they [60:16] pour that energy into friendships and [60:19] their professional life whereas Men [60:21] start pouring it into video games and [60:23] rdit in porn so the fact that only one [60:27] in three men in America under the age of [60:28] 30 has a girlfriend and two and three [60:30] women has a boyfriend you think well [60:31] that's mathematically impossible it's [60:33] not because women are dating older [60:35] because they want more economically and [60:36] emotionally viable men if I hadn't been [60:38] in relationships that were great [60:40] guardrails for me in terms of my own [60:42] behavior my own [60:45] ambition I men need without the prospect [60:49] or the existence of a romantic [60:50] relationship men have worse outcomes [60:53] than women who don't have and it it is [60:57] what I'm do you agree with what I'm [60:59] saying does the research bear that [61:01] out you know it's interesting because [61:03] part of me where my head goes is like [61:05] are you asking women to do the emotional [61:06] labor of raising men and when you phrase [61:09] it like that it sounds really negative [61:11] but from anecdotal experience from my [61:13] own life you know I've been with my [61:14] husband for 10 years I think we both [61:16] really shaped each other but like even [61:18] yesterday he texted me and he's like I'm [61:20] going to get an Uber instead of renting [61:21] a car at the airport you've taught me [61:22] how to be such a Savvy traveler like [61:24] that's a small example but but it's like [61:26] you really do influence each other and I [61:28] think that I think sometimes about my [61:31] single friends and how they go to bed at [61:33] night and they don't have a person next [61:36] to them to give them advice and to [61:37] listen to them talk about their day and [61:39] I think that when we're in long-term [61:41] relationships there's an element of [61:43] raising each other and building memories [61:45] together and making each other better [61:47] and having that investment equals three [61:49] right and that's why I just all these [61:51] women that come to me and all these men [61:53] that are looking for love that want [61:54] relationships and something is happening [61:56] right now where the Gap just seems to be [61:59] widening and these relationships aren't [62:01] happening and this is even true in [62:03] teenage relationship so it used to be [62:05] that for Baby Boomers and Gen X three4 [62:08] of men had had a relationship in their [62:10] teen years and now it's under 50% and so [62:14] if you start building your relational [62:16] skills at an early age then you get [62:18] better and better at dating over time [62:20] but if as you said by the time you're 30 [62:22] you haven't been in a relationship [62:23] that's seen as a red flag to a lot of [62:25] people [62:26] and so I think we have a problem now but [62:28] I'm really projecting that we're going [62:29] to have a much greater problem in the [62:31] future I think a real enemy of [62:35] relationships and mating for people in [62:37] their 20s that we haven't talked a lot [62:39] about I had Dr Anna lmy from Stanford on [62:42] my pod talking about addiction and [62:45] something we're just starting to come to [62:47] grips with and as I read more about it I [62:49] think porn is really let's talk about [62:51] porn well personal experience I used to [62:55] to go on Camp the only reason I [62:57] graduated from UCLA I graduated with a [62:59] 2.27 GPA if I graduated with a 1.97 I [63:02] wouldn't [63:03] graduated not an not the only motivator [63:06] but a real motivator for me was the [63:08] prospect of meeting someone I I could go [63:11] on to campus and there might be a chance [63:13] I'd meet friends be social and possibly [63:15] meet a potential romantic partner it was [63:18] very motivating and if I'd had porn on [63:21] this right and on my screen always [63:24] available I'm not sure I would gone on [63:26] campus I I just would have spent a lot [63:27] more time at home and unfortunately the [63:31] deepest pocketed most talented companies [63:33] in the world are trying to convince [63:35] young people that they can have a [63:37] reasonable fact simile of life on a [63:38] screen with an algorithm and what I say [63:41] to young men I coaches it I'm not going [63:43] to tell you not to consume porn but try [63:45] to modulate it because I think that fire [63:48] of wanting to meet someone and wanting [63:50] to demonstrate excellence and being [63:53] having perseverance and enduring [63:55] rejection getting your together and [63:57] dressing well and smelling nice and [63:58] showering for God's sakes that Mojo that [64:01] desire is incredibly important for [64:05] society and we're taking young men's [64:07] Mojo Away With frictionless Open Access [64:12] ond demand porn have you seen these noof [64:15] fap communities yeah have you seen this [64:18] yes okay so I was listening to this [64:20] episode of Modern William with Chris [64:21] Williamson and he was interviewing Hamza [64:23] who was self-identifying as a former [64:25] redpilled person and he was talking [64:27] about how much it changed his life to [64:29] try to enter the noof fap Community [64:31] which means no masturbation and so I do [64:35] think that porn is a huge problem my [64:37] first job out of college was running the [64:41] porn pod for Google so what this meant [64:43] was that we would sell ads for the porn [64:46] advertisers this team does not exist [64:48] anymore this was a long time ago um my [64:51] parents were like I sent you to Harvard [64:53] and now you're selling ads for [64:55] pornography [64:56] but when I look back I'm like what was I [64:59] perpetuating because I feel like there's [65:01] just so many problems with what [65:03] technology is doing in terms of [65:05] replacing human connection so let's just [65:07] project out chat PT is already amazing [65:10] I'm currently in my Google feed getting [65:12] ads for replica and the ads say get your [65:15] perfect AI boyfriend always there for [65:17] you yeah so you think about the fact [65:19] that real life relationships are messy I [65:23] tell my husband on a weekly basis please [65:25] throw contact lens in the garbage and [65:28] every week we have a disagreement about [65:30] that well guess what your online [65:31] girlfriend she doesn't nag you she [65:34] doesn't tell you to pick up your socks [65:36] she only tells you how great you are and [65:39] always tells you you know that you're [65:40] doing the right thing and how was your [65:42] day then you insert sex robots Okay so [65:45] you have your emotional needs met you [65:47] have your sexual needs met maybe you're [65:48] watching porn while engaging with your [65:52] sex robots why would you want to go [65:54] through the very challenging potential [65:56] rejection of real life relationships and [65:59] I feel like if all these things come to [66:01] pass which it seems very likely that [66:02] they will we are truly in a crisis [66:05] moment when it comes to birth rate and [66:07] future generations and it impacts them [66:11] it'll impact the economy because the [66:14] skills you have to develop to be [66:16] successful in The Mating Market are life [66:18] skills you have to be able to endure [66:21] rejection you have to have a sense of [66:22] humor you have to be able to read the [66:24] room show me a guy who's good in a bar [66:26] I'll show you a guy who probably be good [66:27] in a boardroom and the skills you have [66:30] to develop as a young man if you want a [66:32] romantic and a sexual relationship pay [66:33] dividends the rest of your life and if [66:36] you don't develop those skills I think [66:37] it impacts your life across a bunch of [66:40] Dimensions this is something I'm worried [66:41] about for genz in general so I did a ton [66:43] of research with post-pandemic genz [66:45] daters men and women in the UK and [66:47] United States and such a big theme that [66:50] came out of it was that they don't have [66:51] rejection resilience and I think that we [66:53] hear this in many aspects of life so [66:56] someone that I'm close to he's the [66:57] former dean of brown he's a professor [66:59] there and he was talking about how it [67:02] used to be that his office hours were [67:03] empty and that's when he could do his [67:04] reading or play solitire but now [67:06] students come basically saying tell me [67:08] exactly what's going to be on the test [67:09] tell me exactly what to write in my [67:11] paper because they are not willing to [67:13] fail I have friends who are managers at [67:15] Google and they give somebody feedback [67:17] in a Google doc and the person is crying [67:19] because they take that as extreme [67:21] rejection and so if you don't have the [67:23] resilience built up fail then you are [67:26] not going to take risks and everything [67:28] in life worth having is worth taking a [67:31] risk for and so I feel that I have my [67:33] dream job nobody messaged me on LinkedIn [67:35] and said hey Logan do you want to study [67:37] dating and relationships no I invented [67:40] this job and now I get to have it and [67:42] same thing is true with relationships [67:43] it's not about waiting for the perfect [67:45] person to show up it's about becoming a [67:47] great person who somebody else chooses [67:49] and going after what you want I want to [67:51] talk about all of this and it [67:53] specifically offer some solutions to the [67:54] young to the parents to the boys to the [67:57] teens to the men that are listening we [67:59] had a young man actually write in on [68:01] this subject and he said I've suffered [68:03] with crippling loneliness and so I've [68:04] spent over $1,000 hiring women online [68:07] just to talk to me and to keep me [68:09] company on top of that I've spent [68:11] several ,000 more engaging in other [68:13] business with them after doing this for [68:15] nearly a year now I still feel [68:17] incredibly unfulfilled and on the [68:19] subject of porn 30% of internet traffic [68:22] is now related to porn with about 80% of [68:25] that porn traffic coming from men and [68:27] 20% coming from women I actually had a [68:29] conversation on this podcast before [68:30] about porn and funly enough the top [68:32] comment was by the way us women what get [68:35] porn addicted to because it was a bit of [68:37] a blind spot to me but I think that's [68:39] something that's worth [68:40] acknowledging and the stats are [68:42] staggering in terms of how higher porn [68:45] consumption correlates to higher [68:47] probabilities of [68:48] depression what you do about it like on [68:51] an individual level I get it try not to [68:52] watch porn but I mean that doesn't seem [68:54] like incredibly great advice because if [68:57] you're lonely you're not getting laid no [68:59] one wants to date you for all the [69:00] reasons we've talked about today [69:02] restraint seems to be a pretty [69:06] shitty solution give this one to okay so [69:09] I coach young men I take two to three on [69:11] at any time and I don't know if this is [69:13] the right way but it's my way I'm like [69:15] you got to lean into your advantage when [69:17] you're our age you have more you have [69:19] Capital you have more money than time [69:21] they have Capital they have a lot of [69:22] time and I asked them to unlock their [69:24] screen and I say to them I gamble with [69:28] options I gamble at my age I still [69:30] gamble I I preach about lowcost index [69:33] funds and I buy call options that makes [69:35] no sense it's gambling but I [69:37] know it I watch porn I try and modulate [69:40] my use so I can put the majority of my [69:43] sexual energy into my partner but I [69:45] watch porn because I want them to not [69:46] feel like I'm going to judge them they [69:47] unlock their phone and I say we're going [69:49] to find 8 to 12 hours a week of time of [69:52] capital and we're going to reinvest that [69:54] capital and higher Roi Investments it is [69:58] so easy to find 8 to 12 hours it can [70:00] sometimes find seven hours or 15 hours [70:02] just in tick talk you look at screen [70:04] time I look at screen time and I say all [70:06] right come with through with me we're [70:08] going to find eight to 12 hours and then [70:11] we're going to reinvest that capital in [70:12] three Investments one we're going to [70:15] start working out and getting fit you're [70:17] going to work out three times a week [70:18] with weights you should be able the the [70:21] human mail form is spectacular you [70:24] should be able to walk in in any room [70:25] under the age of 30 if you're a man and [70:27] know that if got real you could [70:29] kill and eat everybody or outrun them I [70:31] need you to be strong you're going to be [70:33] more mentally healthy you're going to be [70:35] kinder look at the people who break up [70:37] fights at bars they're big strong men [70:39] look at the people who defend their [70:42] country you want to be strong as a man [70:44] it feels amazing testosterone [70:46] your your bone structure your muscle [70:48] mass it's amazing lean into that we're [70:51] going to get strong two you got to start [70:54] making [70:55] money and the kids are you know to be [70:57] honest the kids I'm coaching are really [70:59] struggling these are kids at home at the [71:01] age of 23 with their mom not getting [71:03] along with their mom nothing going on if [71:07] you have a phone you can make money I [71:09] don't care if it's lift Tas ret because [71:11] you get a taste for the Flesh and the [71:13] the way to start making a lot of money [71:15] is to start making a little bit of money [71:17] because you start to figure out the [71:18] economy how could I make more money [71:20] maybe at some point could I buy a car [71:21] and hire a driver to be an Uber you know [71:24] what what is the way [71:25] you know could I get a certification in [71:28] in Plum you start figuring out and you [71:30] start getting your GRE gland get going [71:32] oh my God it's a have money I can go out [71:34] I can go to a concert it gets those [71:36] greed Gins going and then the third [71:38] thing we're going to do is we're going [71:39] to put ourselves in a company of [71:41] strangers in the agency of something [71:42] bigger than ourselves twice a week [71:44] church group softball league [71:46] nonprofit chair whatever it is and then [71:50] 3A and this is I've just started doing [71:53] this I've believe done it two times and [71:55] it's an exercise and I say and it goes [71:57] to your I think no is the way to success [72:01] show me someone who's successful I'm [72:02] going to show you a ton of NOS I've [72:04] been re I ran for sophomore junior [72:06] senior class president lost all three [72:08] times decided to run for senior class [72:09] president lost I applied to 38 jobs I [72:12] got one offer nine schools rejected by [72:15] seven I mean I just my whole life has [72:17] been about no and that's why I'm [72:19] successful is I was always able to [72:21] endure it so I say to them this is what [72:22] I want you to do I need you to go up to [72:24] a stranger at wherever we're doing [72:26] church group Rider Club Riders club [72:29] whatever it might be online educa not [72:30] online excuse me education continuing [72:32] education and you're gonna ask them out [72:34] for coffee it's a friend hey what are [72:37] you doing you want to watch the game do [72:38] you want to watch the Liverpool game [72:39] this weekend let's go to a bar if it's a [72:42] woman you might have new trctor to Hey [72:44] try and get a wrap going would you like [72:45] to have coffee and here's the goal the [72:48] goal is no and we're going to celebrate [72:50] now CU you're going to call me and I'm [72:51] going to say did you ask someone out for [72:53] coffee or to a bar and most likely [72:54] they'll said no it'll be polite but'll [72:56] come excuse and then I'm going to ask [72:58] you if you're okay and you're going to [72:59] say yes and that's the victory it's [73:01] interesting because if you go on Tik Tok [73:03] or if you go on X you'll find a lot of [73:06] videos of women filming themselves as a [73:09] guy inappropriately came and made a [73:11] gesture to them and then like publicly [73:13] shaming them on the Internet it's very [73:14] popular to do in the gym yeah they set [73:16] up a phone they're working out a guy [73:17] comes over and asks if they need help [73:19] with the weights it then goes viral [73:20] online because that guy was being [73:22] inappropriate like you shouldn't so like [73:25] as a guy it's quite complicated to know [73:27] how and where you can roll up without [73:30] being filmed and going viral I know so [73:32] we we talked about the first dating [73:34] Paradox which is just the idea that [73:36] women now need more from men and are [73:37] raising the bar because they can be [73:38] providers on their own but men weren't [73:40] taught how to do that and they're [73:41] sometimes shame for it so I think the [73:43] second big dating Paradox is that men [73:45] are expected to lead and to approach but [73:48] I truly feel like in a post me too era [73:50] it's much more confusing and so so many [73:53] people say to me I don't want to meet on [73:54] an app not romantic I want to meet in [73:56] real life but I'm not finding that [73:58] people are meeting in real life because [74:00] people are afraid to approach each other [74:02] I think one is being afraid of being [74:05] called creepy but the other one which is [74:07] what you're talking about is that this [74:09] culture of making tick toks or going [74:11] online with this dater attainment to [74:13] talk about how this person approached [74:15] you or how inappropriate that was and so [74:18] I feel like there's a lot of women [74:19] waiting for men to approach them but [74:21] then shaming The Men Who do I think one [74:23] of the solutions there is we should [74:25] allow people to shoot their shot in a [74:27] non- creepy way can I just say something [74:29] to that if the guy rolls up and he's 6'4 [74:32] and he's you know gorgeous it's fine it [74:35] seems the difference between creepy and [74:37] romantic is the perceived attractiveness [74:39] of the person making the Overture I [74:40] think that that is true if you are super [74:43] hot it's less lik to be perceived as [74:44] creepy but you have all these people [74:46] that are saying I want to be approached [74:48] and they're not being approached and so [74:50] there was this rise of run clubs last [74:52] summer right everyone said the new [74:54] dating app is the Run Club I ask [74:56] everywhere I go have you met someone at [74:58] a run Club no people are not really [75:00] meeting there so since 2017 the number [75:03] one way that people are meeting is [75:05] online Hing just setting up a date every [75:07] two seconds this is where the dating is [75:08] happening if people want more things to [75:10] happen offline they actually have to [75:12] approach each other and I'm just not [75:14] seeing that happen but my understanding [75:17] is the majority of women still expect [75:18] the man to take the initiative [75:19] absolutely [75:21] and this is one of the most frightening [75:23] stats I've seen [75:25] according to Pew more than 50% of men [75:28] between the ages of 18 and 24 have never [75:31] asked a woman out in [75:32] person [75:34] and I just find that [75:36] so just upsetting and rattling because [75:40] that means they're either not asking [75:41] people out or they're asking them out [75:42] online where quite frankly they can't [75:44] demonstrate any sense of excellence and [75:46] I think the beautiful thing about human [75:47] sexuality is sometimes you don't even [75:49] know why you're attracted to someone you [75:50] like the way they smell you find out [75:51] they're funny and that happens in person [75:55] but we need one more third spaces more [75:58] places people can meet and also I I [76:01] actually think it would be helpful to [76:03] have in the senior of high school a [76:05] class called adulting where amongst [76:06] other things you teach them about the [76:09] interest rate on a credit card you know [76:10] little things my my kid can do integers [76:12] and he doesn't understand the interest [76:13] rate on his credit card and also quite [76:16] frankly I think young men need guidance [76:18] around how to express romantic interest [76:21] while making the other person feel safe [76:24] and also that if you express romantic [76:26] interest and ask someone out for coffee [76:28] and they say no you're both going to be [76:31] fine you haven't committed a crime [76:33] against humanity as long as you're [76:36] respectful and you don't make the person [76:38] feel uncomfortable but men aren't even [76:40] asking women out everything you're [76:43] saying is what I'm seeing so I was [76:44] talking to this incredible 16-year-old [76:46] girl who built this AI chat bot called [76:49] ask L and she's taken all the [76:51] relationship science research that she's [76:52] seen and she's trained this chatbot and [76:55] she's trying to help teens get safe and [76:57] empowered dating advice and I asked her [76:59] what is the number one question that [77:00] you're getting and it's how to ask [77:01] someone out and so I think people are [77:04] really struggling it's not that teens in [77:06] all of human history had the secret it's [77:08] that they were willing to do it and fail [77:10] and now we're just not seeing that and [77:12] so I think that we have glossed over the [77:14] pandemic it was this really traumatic [77:16] time really scary stuff happened and we [77:18] don't want to talk about it but people [77:19] that came of age during the pandemic [77:22] their social skills are worse they [77:24] missed out on critical moments of [77:26] becoming a human and we are seeing that [77:28] in the workplace all these things about [77:30] gen Z gen Alpha that came from something [77:33] it came from parenting it came from [77:35] digital addiction it came from the [77:37] pandemic and online learning and I think [77:39] that if you do not have the social [77:41] skills to approach someone and ask them [77:43] out there just will be literally fewer [77:45] couples I want to throw a Molotov [77:47] cocktail into this and something that's [77:49] controversial I've got push back on I [77:51] think one of the enemies of mating is [77:53] that there's to little drinking [77:56] if you look at um Millennials they spent [77:59] $30 billion on alcohol genz it's crashed [78:01] to two billion Peter ATA and Andrew [78:03] huberman have declared war on drinking I [78:05] think young people need to drink more go [78:07] out and make a series of bad decisions [78:08] and might pay off I don't see [78:10] drunkenness I see togetherness and I [78:13] don't know how it was for you and your [78:14] relationship when I think of the [78:15] majority of great friendships I have and [78:17] the Romantic opportunities I've had not [78:20] always but often alcohol played a role [78:23] and I worry that with a lack of going [78:24] out being out of the house and also a [78:27] lack of drinking that we've taken away a [78:29] social lubricant that breaks down some [78:31] of the walls and some of the initial [78:33] awkwardness and entry into a potential [78:35] romantic relationship I think some of [78:37] the increase in Being Sober Sober [78:39] curious comes from interest in being [78:41] healthy so we hear from Jen Z I don't [78:43] want to have anxiety the next day they [78:46] are much less expensive yeah they are [78:48] much less like leita Millennials to feel [78:49] like there's a two drink drink minimum [78:51] for dates but in general we seeing less [78:54] risk- taking behavior from gen Z they [78:56] are getting their licenses far later if [78:59] at all they are losing their virginity [79:02] much later if at all and so I feel like [79:05] there's this rise of or there's this [79:08] decrease in risk-taking Behavior which [79:10] in some ways is great you know fewer [79:12] kids dying in car crashes and people [79:14] being responsible but I just feel like [79:16] people are having people are missing out [79:19] on the experience to make mistakes as a [79:21] young person and I think when I think [79:23] back to my college experience if there [79:25] had been cameras that have high quality [79:29] video on them at all times I would have [79:31] lived a very different college [79:32] experience I am so grateful that [79:35] Instagram was not there when I was in [79:38] college and so if you live in a [79:40] surveillance culture where at any moment [79:42] somebody is snapping the room and they [79:45] could see what you're doing you're going [79:46] to take fewer risks and I just feel like [79:49] there's this entire culture of people [79:51] being very safe and part of dating part [79:53] of mating is making mistakes taking [79:56] risks and failing so what do we do about [79:57] it Logan speaking Scott gave a really [80:01] good um sort of advice for the young man [80:04] or the young person who's trying to [80:06] increase their mating value their dating [80:08] value if I'm a what advice would you [80:10] give to a young man about how to be [80:12] attractive because there's going to be a [80:13] lot of young men listening right now I [80:15] imagine from the stats all I love what [80:16] Scott said in terms of his advice and I [80:18] feel like it's one of those things where [80:20] the secret to happiness or the secret to [80:22] success is simple but hard so it's not [80:26] like there's infinite things you need to [80:28] do it's actually quite a simple plan but [80:30] it's quite hard to execute on it a few [80:32] things that I would add so one is I have [80:34] this friend Sam par he started the [80:36] hustle he started the podcast my first [80:38] million one thing that he did to make [80:40] himself more attractive as a mate was he [80:42] would develop these passions and really [80:45] talk about them on dates because he [80:46] found that women were really drawn to [80:48] the fact that he was pursuing other [80:50] activities so he got really into Denim [80:52] and he would talk about these denim [80:54] meets that that he would go to and he [80:55] found that women were really drawn to [80:57] that he's very into the growth mindset [80:59] and working on himself he felt like that [81:02] was something that women were so drawn [81:04] to how he was growing because if you [81:06] think about the projections well when he [81:08] met my friend Sarah he wasn't making any [81:10] money she was making a lot more than him [81:12] but she could see that he had a great [81:15] path ahead of him because he was [81:17] constantly working and improving himself [81:19] the other thing I would tell men is [81:21] through my research I found that men [81:23] think I need to be perfect I need to be [81:25] six feet tall look women are not [81:27] expecting you to fly them to the Moon [81:30] they want effort remember the name of [81:33] their best friend text them when they [81:35] had a hard meeting and say how did it go [81:38] plan a thoughtful date and so I think [81:40] that you have men over here saying if [81:42] I'm not six feet tall I don't have a [81:44] chance so why participate anyway and [81:46] then you have women saying in some ways [81:49] I just want you to be an effortful nice [81:51] person and I'm not even getting that and [81:53] so I think that for men they can [81:55] actually get much farther than they [81:58] think and be better than 90% of men by [82:00] doing some of these bare minimum things [82:02] that other men aren't doing so I have [82:05] this question that I ask in my book [82:07] which is when you're deciding if you [82:08] should break up with someone if your [82:10] partner were a piece of clothing in your [82:12] closet what would they be in my is it my [82:15] clothes or her clothes my clothes oh [82:18] okay and it really has to be gut [82:19] reaction so Scott if you thought of one [82:21] I want to hear [82:22] it I thought of like a black silk shirt [82:25] and that's probably because that's where [82:28] we spend quality time together is when [82:29] I'm wearing a black silk shirt special [82:31] occasions date night restaurant um make [82:34] an effort um do you feel good in it yeah [82:38] of course I feel my best in it yeah and [82:40] do you have one for your wife brunella [82:42] Cinelli Kashmir v-x sweater makes me [82:43] look fantastic makes me better and it's [82:46] beautiful yes and mine for my husband [82:48] would be this awesome orange robe that I [82:50] have that represents being at home I [82:52] love the orange color that's really [82:54] bright and it represents our family time [82:57] so I've asked this question to I feel [82:58] shamed I feel like mine was so [83:00] superficial no yours was great cashmir V [83:04] I think your answer family orange I feel [83:07] so shamed no no no I think your answer [83:09] is wonderful and I actually in general [83:11] find that outer wear answers are very [83:13] strong because it means that you feel [83:14] warm around them it's you at your best [83:16] this your I feel fabulous I [83:18] don't that's all that matters your [83:20] answer was great the answers that worry [83:21] me are something like a wool sweater [83:23] that feels good but then it's so I take [83:25] it off the ratty shirt that I wear to [83:26] the gym these are real answers I've [83:28] gotten point is for years I've been [83:30] asking people this question well now I [83:32] want to ask people the question of if [83:34] you were a piece of clothing in your [83:36] closet what would you be and I feel like [83:38] we spend so much time saying I'm looking [83:41] for this in a partner this is the [83:42] checklist well look in the mirror do you [83:45] have those traits and so for somebody [83:47] who says I'm a ratty sweatshirt and it's [83:51] not the thing that I would choose to [83:52] wear well then work on yourself and so I [83:54] feel like there's a lot of feelings of [83:57] I'm going to relation shop I'm going to [84:00] look for a partner the way I look for [84:01] Bluetooth headphones well a lot of that [84:04] is about breaking people down into these [84:06] parts and I feel like we should spend [84:08] less time thinking about the checklist [84:09] for our partner and more time thinking [84:11] about who am I and am I somebody who [84:13] would be [84:14] chosen we've talked a lot about how [84:16] young men are struggling which [84:18] demographic of women do you find [84:19] struggle the most as it relates to [84:21] mating and dating so I work with a lot [84:23] of very successful women and that's also [84:26] because I'm expensive to work with and [84:27] that's who my clients are but I have a [84:30] newsletter where I hear from 85,000 [84:33] people and so what I'm hearing is that a [84:36] lot of women are saying men are [84:37] intimidated by the amount of money that [84:41] I make they say that they're not going [84:42] to be but the more successful I become [84:45] the more threatened they are I'm just [84:46] talking to tons of women personal [84:48] friends I I feel like at my house on one [84:51] side of me and then two sides over are [84:53] women who are having babies they call it [84:56] like single mother by choice where they [84:58] literally were just like I can't find a [85:00] man and I want to become a mom so I'm [85:02] going to do it by myself and so I feel [85:04] like there are just all these great [85:05] women who are saying Logan I'm following [85:07] your advice I'm putting myself out there [85:09] I do all these things but they're just [85:10] not finding Partners do you find that [85:12] the more successful a woman becomes the [85:14] more difficult it becomes for her to [85:16] find a man that will not feel [85:18] emasculated by her success I don't think [85:21] that there's an exact correlation [85:23] because it really depends who the guy is [85:25] there are guys out there who are like [85:27] let's be a power couple but I feel like [85:30] there are women who just feel like [85:31] there's not enough good guys for them [85:34] and I'm curious what you think about [85:35] this but I live in the Bay Area I'm [85:37] seeing so much polyamory and I think [85:40] polyamory is interesting I'm Pro polyam [85:42] I like the fact that people are thinking [85:44] about relationship structures in a new [85:45] way 50% of marriag is end in divorce [85:48] obviously our one size fits all [85:50] approached marriage isn't working but [85:52] I'm also wondering [85:54] well let me tell you the story I went to [85:56] this dating event and the dating event [85:58] had five single women who were great and [86:01] their friends were hyping them up and [86:04] then there was two guys and they were [86:05] both polyamorous and so I wonder if [86:07] you're a guy who feels like there's not [86:10] that many good guys why should I have to [86:12] choose I feel like that's a trend that [86:14] I'm worried about pors of polygamy if [86:17] it's never been better to be a very [86:19] attractive male but you have so much [86:22] opportunity it does not and sent good [86:24] behavior or long-term relationships and [86:27] I work with these guys and you might [86:28] think that they're the happiest people [86:29] in the world they are having sex they [86:31] are getting a lot of attention but [86:32] they're suffering from decision [86:35] paralysis and these are some of the guys [86:36] that hit 40 42 and they haven't gotten [86:40] married they don't have kids and they [86:42] sort of are like why would I ever settle [86:43] down if I don't have to or I'm going to [86:47] wait as long as possible but they don't [86:48] understand the opportunity cost which is [86:50] building a life with someone having kids [86:53] every year year that you wait to have [86:55] kids is a year that your kids will be [86:57] alive without you and so I really feel [87:00] like these people in the top percentage [87:02] yes they're having a much easier time [87:03] but they also have problems because [87:05] they're having decision paralysis and [87:07] they're not settling down but I I would [87:09] just I think the reality though on the [87:11] ground is that if you're a [87:15] High um status male you think age is on [87:19] your side and it is and because the [87:21] reality is the bi the math is just [87:23] unfair to women it is because if you're [87:26] a 30-year-old male making really good [87:28] money and it you know relative like just [87:32] not [87:33] unattractive at [87:35] 40 you're going to be even sexier your [87:38] sexual currency goes up I do think that [87:40] there's a point where it starts to go [87:42] down and I've seen that with my coaching [87:43] clients and part of that is just how the [87:45] dating apps work that if you are an [87:48] attractive woman and you set your age [87:51] maximum at 40 I do see that those men [87:53] see diminishing returns after that age [87:55] well especially if they haven't ever [87:57] been in a long-term relationship seen as [87:59] a clear red [88:00] flag if you're looking to take the next 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we published [90:21] was a lady who's a child psychologist [90:22] she's been that way for three decad ades [90:24] and she came on and said that the [90:26] feminist movement has let men and women [90:29] down in some ways there's been great [90:30] upsides but there's also been a cost and [90:32] one of the things she was really big on [90:34] which I thought would be extremely [90:35] controversial it turns out it wasn't in [90:37] the comment section is that she believes [90:39] women should be there for the first two [90:41] years of a child's life and I was like I [90:44] questioned her on that I was like and [90:46] then I looked at the stats and I looked [90:47] at the research and she basically makes [90:48] the case that because the the mother is [90:50] producing certain hormones so I searched [90:52] and it was true we fact checked that [90:53] episode [90:54] and then beyond there the the the man [90:56] her father brings out another set of [90:58] hormones in the in the young child which [91:00] are about play and adventure and all [91:01] these kinds of things so she makes the [91:03] case that we've kind of lied to women [91:05] and we've told them that they can have [91:07] it all they can have an incredible [91:08] career they can also be incredible [91:10] mothers and um she says that in her [91:12] office she often sees mothers coming in [91:14] saying that they're 39 years old they're [91:16] struggling they're trying to do IVF they [91:18] feel like they were lied to throwing all [91:20] of that out there I'm going to quote [91:22] Scott to Scott which is you can have it [91:24] all just not at the same time yeah I [91:26] don't you know it's we can talk about [91:29] what is the best hormone balance and [91:31] brings out the best in kids and then [91:33] there's the real world and my partner [91:36] was working at Goldman Sachs with two [91:38] babies and getting up at 5: in the [91:39] morning and it was hell for her and at [91:42] the same time and I you know at the same [91:45] time I was struggling with trying to get [91:47] economic traction because my whole [91:49] identity as a man I'm not proud of this [91:51] has been defined by money so is mine I [91:54] don't think men say this enough like [91:56] yeah of I I thought this was really [91:59] weird cuz I'm we're we're in Austin [92:00] right now and my team put me up in a [92:04] hotel and it's just like a normal Hotel [92:05] I'm like so I don't give a my [92:07] girlfriend comes to town tonight [92:09] immediately my brain goes oh my God we [92:10] need to move into a better Hotel Airbnb [92:12] because my girlfriend I've been with her [92:13] for seven years she doesn't give off H [92:15] yeah she doesn't care about material [92:16] things she doesn't have a Louis Vuitton [92:17] anything she's a breath work she's a [92:19] yogi right but there's still this part [92:22] of me even at this stage where I'm like [92:23] convinced she's not going anywhere where [92:26] I constantly think [92:27] about I need to be successful I need to [92:30] have money I need to demonstrate [92:32] strength or she won't like me it's so [92:36] it's so weird because it's not true like [92:38] objectively I know it's not true but [92:39] it's in me I don't know I think it's [92:41] mostly true what do you mean I think in [92:45] a capitalist Society the health care of [92:48] your children the opportunities your [92:49] children have your ability to provide [92:53] your ability to take care of your [92:55] parents unfortunately in our society is [92:58] so tightly correlated to money yeah that [93:02] I I think at the end of the day [93:03] masculinity kind of comes down to [93:05] provider protector and procreator and I [93:08] think every young man should take at [93:10] least start with the notion they're [93:11] going to be the economic provider and by [93:14] the way that might mean getting out of [93:16] the way and being more supportive of [93:18] your partner who happens to be better at [93:19] the whole money thing than you that's [93:20] part of masculinity too but a good place [93:22] to start is to assume in a capital [93:26] society that you're just you have a [93:28] responsibility to be economically viable [93:31] and every piece of incentive in our [93:34] society I remember in the 70s when I was [93:37] in grade school our principal was a cool [93:40] guy he wore cool jackets and he had [93:41] great hair and he smelled Aqua Velva and [93:43] he drove a 240Z you could be a High [93:46] character handsome interesting cool guy [93:47] into karate or whatever now I just think [93:50] it's all about the [93:51] Benjamins I just it is so our society [93:55] democracy your rights your sexual [93:58] attractiveness as a man I don't care [94:00] what yeah write me an article about how [94:02] men just need to be emotionally [94:03] available it's it's so [94:08] disappointingly about money in my view [94:10] all the incentives telling young men and [94:12] so they go to these get-rich quick [94:14] schemes if they can make money they feel [94:17] they feel like losers but what you're [94:19] feeling quite frankly is common sense [94:22] from every signal that if for some [94:23] reason it doesn't work out with your [94:25] mate your selection set of mates how [94:27] interesting you are to other men your [94:29] opportunities your rights your democracy [94:32] is going to be based on your ability to [94:35] be economically powerful it's not the [94:36] way the world should be but it is the [94:38] way the world is and when I say to young [94:40] men is there's just no getting around it [94:42] you have to be economically viable would [94:45] you say the same thing to women or would [94:47] you say there's no getting around it you [94:49] have to be hot no I think women I think [94:52] women [94:54] unfortunately so this is base analysis [94:58] women men get turned on with their eyes [95:00] it's more important for a woman to be [95:02] aesthetically attractive than a man we [95:05] men women get turned on with their ears [95:07] that's the way I would describe it I [95:09] think women economic Liberation and [95:11] Independence is Paramount you know the [95:14] thing that was the hardest thing in my [95:16] life growing up you know whatever trauma [95:18] I had was not having wasn't not having a [95:21] dad in my life it was that me and my mom [95:23] didn't any money and it was [95:25] humiliating for us it was very hard on [95:27] her it was emotionally very trying on [95:29] her because she felt like she was [95:30] failing as a mother so I think women [95:34] Absolut women making a lot of money is a [95:38] collective victory of our society it is [95:41] hugely important and wonderful we should [95:44] do nothing to get in the way of that [95:45] that doesn't in any way though obviate [95:48] the fact that a man's opportunity sexual [95:51] currency and place in our society [95:54] is almost going to have an R of one [95:56] regardless of how many subscriptions to [95:58] the Atlantic or the New York Times you [96:00] have if his economic viability and I [96:03] just don't I think it's gotten worse I I [96:06] don't think it's got you used to be able [96:07] to if you were a High character kind of [96:09] cool interesting nice guy who was a [96:11] principal at a junior high school you [96:13] had sexual currency now I think you can [96:15] be a but if you've sold [96:17] $10 million in DOA coin you can get laid [96:21] and and it's just getting worse because [96:24] our capitalist economy is providing so [96:27] many advantages solely based on money [96:30] and it sends the wrong signal but I just [96:32] tell I just tell dudes you have to be [96:35] economically viable and some of that is [96:37] just having discipline around saving [96:38] money and showing that you have your [96:40] active maybe you don't make a lot of [96:42] money but I'm responsible I'll be a good [96:44] mate I'll be a good partner maybe you're [96:46] making more money to me but I'll bring [96:48] discipline you know I I I know how to [96:51] fix I I can be a good [96:54] but one of the things I really am [96:55] worried about in America is just [96:58] everything has become About the [96:59] Benjamins character is being squeezed [97:03] out by [97:05] money God that sounded [97:07] awful I want to ask you have you ever [97:10] felt what Scott describes have you ever [97:11] felt that your sort of sense of [97:13] selfworth equates to how much money you [97:15] have because I felt that I don't think I [97:18] as much have money equals identity and [97:22] selfworth but I do think for many people [97:25] there's a sense that money equals [97:26] security and so we're all chasing that [97:28] dollar which is security but I think for [97:31] men it's much stronger I don't relate to [97:33] what you're talking about yeah so this [97:35] is I've never actually asked a woman [97:37] this before but um it's the number one [97:40] topic of conversation in my group chat [97:42] with my boys is how much are we working [97:45] Saturday and Sunday to make more money [97:47] make ourselves more successful and then [97:48] one of my friends who's not in my group [97:50] chat but one of my extended friends went [97:51] through financial hard hardship [97:54] and um he's in the leadup to starting a [97:57] family Etc and he went through a moment [97:59] where he was going to be declared [98:00] bankrupt and he was [98:03] inconsolably um depressed his partner [98:06] was fine she was kind of like you know [98:07] we'll get through this but he as it was [98:08] like his he actually said to me he goes [98:10] I've never quote I've never felt more [98:12] worthless and that's something that I've [98:14] heard echoed by many men who go you know [98:17] go through sort of economic uh Financial [98:19] roller coasters and that was actually [98:21] one of the stats in that report the boys [98:23] reporter Richard Reeves talks about this [98:25] I think that's actually where it comes [98:27] from so Richard Reeves says that the [98:29] number one cause of death for young men [98:32] under 15 is suicide and that men in [98:34] general the things that they describe in [98:36] their notes when they commit suicide are [98:39] these [98:39] words worthless and useless and so if [98:44] men feel like their identity and their [98:46] value and their worth comes from money [98:48] when they don't have money or they can't [98:50] be a provider and they're sort of on the [98:52] edge of Society then they're literally [98:55] opting out sometimes with their [98:57] lives okay I want to take the [98:59] metaphorical iPad and ask you guys some [99:01] questions because I feel like I've kind [99:03] of said what I want to say about this [99:04] topic but I'm sure there are just [99:07] millions of people that look up to both [99:09] of you as symbols of masculinity Scott [99:11] this is true right moms talk to you all [99:13] the time and say how can I help my son [99:15] and so like there's things that I want [99:17] to know because this topic is the thing [99:19] I'm most passionate about I want to [99:20] spend the next five years really helping [99:22] with this problem and the mating Gap but [99:25] I don't know that men will listen to me [99:27] but they will listen to you so I want to [99:29] learn from you so if you could teach a [99:32] dating boot camp to all guys and even [99:36] talk about what you would have them [99:37] unlearn what are some of those [99:40] messages I would dating boot camp yeah [99:44] um or being a human boot camp let's just [99:46] extend we have module one comedy oo [99:50] because the only thing that got me laid [99:51] when I was broke was I was like slightly [99:52] funny sometimes yeah I could be broken [99:56] impr this could be just this yeah keep [99:59] going um something around confidence [100:00] which is just standing I noticed that [100:02] posture correlates to dating success so [100:05] I'd have men learn to to stand up [100:07] straight and to control their posture [100:09] and take up more space and I mean that [100:10] in the nicest possible way which is [100:12] don't be shriveled so like stand up [100:14] standing up straight which is obviously [100:15] one of the things that going to the gym [100:16] does it kind of pulls you out a little [100:18] bit as well typical um but going out of [100:21] fashion male manners [100:24] open up the door I still open up the [100:26] door for my girlfriend every single day [100:27] even though apparently they went through [100:29] a phase where that was seen as like not [100:31] okay to do but I've always taken great [100:33] pride in it and funnily enough opening [100:34] up the door for my partner makes me feel [100:36] good I'm like doing it for selfish [100:38] reasons it makes me feel like a man it [100:39] makes me feel strong also like when a [100:41] bus comes I love the fact that I put my [100:43] hand across my girlfriend that for me [100:45] makes me feel like a man I love that [100:47] when we cross a road I'm the one that's [100:48] looking out I love that I stand on the [100:50] the roads side of the pavement Etc so I [100:52] teach men these kind of behaviors and [100:55] definitely going to the gym and then as [100:57] Scott said like entrepreneurship or [100:59] making some money that would be Central [101:00] to my boot C I'll give you one [101:02] more it would be conflict resolution and [101:07] this goes to like the emotional empathy [101:08] point one thing that I struggle with or [101:10] at least I struggled with until my [101:11] girlfriend coached me and I did this [101:14] podcast so many times that I learned [101:15] some lessons is just how to deal with [101:17] conflict um when when the spiring [101:19] partner is a woman because men in [101:21] Conflict we have a certain way typically [101:23] but learning the skill of hearing and [101:25] understanding your partner and which is [101:28] very difficult and like listen this [101:30] might just be me I find it incredibly [101:32] difficult to sit and to listen to my [101:36] partner for 90 minutes when she tells me [101:39] indirectly all the things I did wrong [101:41] I've had to learn the skill of doing [101:43] that and I I sat here with someone who's [101:44] a psychologist and said um she they they [101:47] said to me if you're a man you have to [101:48] learn the skill of sitting down for n 90 [101:51] minutes a week and letting your partner [101:53] tell you everything that they're feeling [101:54] and going through with my boys we don't [101:56] do that when we go on holiday it is [101:58] total silence we what we're eating [102:00] Pringles and watching the game [102:02] when but when I'm with my partner and [102:04] I'm sure when she's with her friends [102:06] it's talking so I I always I I've [102:08] developed the skill now of just like [102:10] sitting and listening and then sometimes [102:12] I take notes and then sometimes I repeat [102:14] back to her what she just said to me and [102:16] this is totally alien to me and it hurts [102:18] when I do it it like hurts and I find it [102:21] so uncomfortable [102:23] like I find it really really [102:24] uncomfortable to do that even though [102:26] this is something you spend hours a week [102:28] doing for 100% it's so unnatural to me [102:31] but you've worked on it I've worked on [102:32] it yeah I did it like three days ago my [102:34] girlfriend said I was traveling around [102:36] the world we were in I don't even know [102:37] what country we're in she goes I I've [102:39] got some things I want to talk about um [102:41] can we put some time in the calendar do [102:42] you have 60 minutes I'm I've gone off [102:44] stage in Sweden I put in 60 minutes into [102:46] my calendar she video calls me and she [102:48] talks to me for about 45 minutes I don't [102:51] have anything to say I'm so and I just [102:53] sit there and listen and in between the [102:55] lines it's like things I could do better [102:56] she's she's not blaming me or anything [102:58] but it's it's hard for me my boys would [103:00] never do that our friendship isn't [103:02] contingent on those things so that's [103:05] what I would say I love that like I [103:07] don't know if that you relate to that [103:08] but I think about this a lot with my [103:10] boys and I think kind of the three legs [103:12] of the stool are provider I'm probably [103:15] over focused on the economics that [103:17] doesn't necess mean making a lot of [103:18] money but at least being disciplined and [103:20] responsible about it developing skills [103:22] certific having a plan right be don't be [103:25] the guy ordering a bottle of Grey Goose [103:27] at 2 in the morning like I'm going home [103:28] because I got to get up you know I have [103:30] I have a [103:31] plan [103:33] and you know I have a vision for how I'm [103:35] going to be a good provider a protector [103:39] good manners your default system is [103:42] protection you you constantly talk speak [103:45] well of people behind their backs you [103:48] hear someone being critical of someone [103:50] else your [103:51] inclination is to defend them you don't [103:54] demonize special interest groups your [103:57] default setting if somebody needs help [103:59] anywhere or is being threatened it just [104:03] it's so heartbreaking to me that women [104:05] feel unsafe when they see men when they [104:08] see a group of men coming down the [104:09] street survey show women are inclined to [104:12] cross the street and it just feels like [104:14] from an early age men need to be taught [104:17] anyone smaller anyone more vulnerable [104:19] than you anyone in a special interest [104:21] group you're def fault is protection [104:24] that's what men do think about [104:26] masculinity a soldier a cop a fireman [104:29] what do they do at the end of the day [104:31] they protect that is your default [104:33] operating system as a move to protection [104:36] and then [104:37] procreator I think you should want to [104:39] have sex I think you should be willing [104:41] to take risks I tell my boys I did this [104:43] for a while they can't get back in the [104:46] house unless they talk to a [104:49] stranger and my oldest no problem hey [104:52] what's going on what my youngest not as [104:55] easy just go up and pet their dog I [104:59] think there are so many men out there [105:00] that have no willingness or ability to [105:03] open [105:05] to you know to just say hi where are you [105:08] from to just open and to want a romantic [105:14] relationship is a wonderful thing [105:16] there's nothing wrong with that modulate [105:18] your porn [105:21] decide ask yourself would you want to [105:23] have sex with you get strong get fit get [105:27] get your act together smell nice groom [105:32] if you can't dress well find someone who [105:33] can dress you and initiate contact and [105:37] want to have a relationship with someone [105:41] that's a wonderful thing that Mojo is [105:43] the the most purposeful wonderful thing [105:46] in my life is that I'm raising two [105:49] patriotic decent men and it started with [105:53] me really wanting to have sex with this [105:54] woman I saw at the pool at the Raleigh [105:56] Hotel right and I know that sounds crass [105:59] it's like I looked at her and thought I [106:00] am really attracted to this woman so I'm [106:02] going to take a risk in the middle of [106:05] the day without the benefit of alcohol [106:06] I'm going to walk up and introduce [106:08] myself to her and another guy and woman [106:10] she was with hey where are you guys from [106:12] and then 18 months later our first son [106:14] was born middle named Raleigh after the [106:16] hotel take risks be want to have meeting [106:22] opportunity [106:24] you're a provider your default system is [106:27] a protector and there's nothing wrong [106:29] with wanting to be a [106:31] procreator I love everything you said [106:33] and then one thing was going through my [106:35] head as you said it was it feels really [106:37] sad that in this moment at time we have [106:39] to tell people to become procreators [106:41] don't you feel like there's something [106:43] sick in our society if that has to be [106:46] taught evolutionarily all of our [106:49] software is towards procreation like [106:52] that is we are wired yet people are so [106:54] sick from the food that they eat from [106:56] all the medications that people are on [106:59] from all the pornography from all the [107:01] technology that you literally have to [107:02] teach your sons the importance of [107:04] procreation and that's why I'm here and [107:06] that's why I'm really freaked out by all [107:07] of this stuff because we are at a point [107:09] in society where in South Korea of a [107:13] hundred people of childbearing age they [107:16] are going to produce 12 grandchildren [107:19] based on a seven birth rate and the fact [107:24] that you talk about the PE of [107:25] procreation like I'm so worried about [107:28] our society it's 60% of 4 of 30y olds 40 [107:33] years ago used to have a kid now it's [107:35] 27% so when I was on the plane on the [107:37] way here I told this woman who was [107:39] sitting next to me what I was going to [107:40] be talking about and her gut reaction [107:42] was oh why do we have to worry about [107:44] that women are doing better than men [107:45] like great let us do that for the first [107:47] time in history like her gut reaction [107:49] was why is this a problem I then I [107:50] started telling her these stats around [107:53] lowest um marriage rate near we're [107:56] approaching the lowest marriage rate in [107:59] US history the birth rate has gone down [108:01] 20% in 20 years and she didn't know [108:03] these numbers and I feel like people are [108:05] afraid to talk about this topic because [108:07] they think it's a zero sum game where [108:09] when men lose women win and vice versa [108:12] but right now we're all losing there's [108:15] huge economic impact too because it used [108:17] to be 12 people working age to support [108:19] every senior now it's 3 to one if we [108:21] don't have kids we're going to go into [108:23] economic decline yeah South Korea is [108:25] replacing its Nursery schools with its [108:27] nursing homes like they are the anti- [108:29] example for us and I think people need [108:31] to be paying attention by 2050 about 40% [108:34] of the population will be senior [108:35] citizens in the labor force could have [108:36] hared within the next 40 years the bank [108:39] of Korea warns that if current trends [108:41] persist the Korean economy could begin [108:43] Contracting in 10 years [108:45] time and this presents a national [108:48] service risk as the country relies on [108:50] its conscripted military this will fall [108:53] by hundreds and hundreds of thousands of [108:55] people by 2025 the half oh my gosh could [108:58] fall from 250,000 troops to 125,000 [109:03] troops politics is the last thing I [109:05] wanted to talk about and how this sort [109:08] of intertwines with um everything we've [109:09] talked about today obviously Trump is [109:11] now in power and um as we saw in the [109:14] data and it was touched on earlier on [109:16] young men have become more right leing [109:17] and more conservative than ever [109:19] before the left hasn't necessarily [109:22] offered the best Best vision of [109:23] masculinity the young men is something [109:25] Scots talked about previously I was [109:27] wondering I think this morning in the [109:28] hotel I was wondering I was like how are [109:31] how is the left going to get men [109:33] back is that possible because the vision [109:37] of masculinity this is something Scotts [109:38] talked about that the left portrays is [109:40] not doesn't seem to be in line with all [109:42] the things we've just described that we [109:44] feel intuitively as men the things we [109:46] think are important like economic [109:47] viability being strong you know all [109:51] that's SK goovers [109:53] well on the right they've [109:55] conflated masculinity with coarseness [109:58] and cruelty the two kind of Role [110:02] Models you know president Trump who in [110:06] my opinion [110:07] demonstrates a lack of Grace and a lack [110:10] of empathy and a lack of kindness and [110:12] Elon Musk is concurrently being sued by [110:15] two women for sole [110:17] custody of their their kid because he [110:20] hasn't seen the kid I mean is that those [110:22] are the role models we want for young [110:24] men and on the left their vision of [110:27] masculinity is act more like a woman I [110:30] don't think that's helpful either I went [110:32] to the Democratic National [110:33] Convention and there was a parade of [110:35] special interest groups everyone was [110:38] represented except for the group that [110:40] needs the most representation right now [110:41] in my view and that is young men if you [110:42] go to the DNC website they list 16 [110:45] special interest groups and they say who [110:46] we serve they call it out who we [110:49] serve Asian Pacific Islanders seniors [110:52] the disabled [110:53] immigrants black Americans and I added [110:56] it up it's 74% of the US population and [111:00] when you say you're actively advocating [111:01] for [111:02] 74% you're not advocating for the 74% [111:05] you're discriminating against the 26% [111:07] and who are the 26% young men is this a [111:10] consequence of Dei I think that's part [111:13] of it I think there's been so many [111:14] groups that have been discriminated [111:17] against and the the way I would just [111:19] Loosely describe the Democratic party is [111:21] we have the right ideas and then we just [111:22] take it to too far you know there were [111:25] women have gotten a raw deal so they [111:28] need Advantage you know gays have been [111:30] persecuted people non-whites have had [111:32] there were 12 black people in 60 years [111:36] ago in Princeton Harvard and Yale [111:37] combined that was a problem this year [111:40] more than 60% of Harvard's Freshman [111:42] Class identify as non-white so I think [111:45] we got to get out of identity politics [111:47] but the notion I I this this it largely [111:53] came from the left this notion of toxic [111:55] masculinity there's no such thing [111:58] because there's violence there's people [112:00] are criminals there's people who are [112:01] unkind that means they're not masculine [112:04] masculinity is being a protector a [112:06] provider a procreator and the Democratic [112:10] party seems to believe that leaning into [112:12] anything around your advantage of being [112:14] male in terms of your strength your [112:17] kindness you're wanting to procreate [112:19] you're initiating sexual contact or sex [112:21] romantic interest [112:23] is somehow a threat and somehow toxic I [112:27] just think they've sent absolutely the [112:28] right wrong signal and into that void [112:32] has stepped basically thinly veiled [112:34] misogyny that is just so ugly you know [112:38] the the the and and he Trump flew right [112:42] into it the reason Trump won this [112:44] election in my view is the groups that [112:47] pivoted hardest from Blue to Red 2020 to [112:50] 2024 were Latinos were sick of being [112:53] categorized by their identity but [112:55] numbers two and three were people under [112:56] the age of 30 especially males who are [112:58] not doing very well and feel like Donald [113:00] Trump feels their pain and women age 45 [113:04] to 64 and my thesis is that's their [113:06] mothers because if your son isn't doing [113:08] well you don't care about territorial [113:10] sovereignty and Ukraine or transgender [113:12] rights you just want to change my son [113:14] isn't doing well those are the people [113:15] that whisper to me in the streets about [113:17] these conversations it's the 40 to 55y [113:22] old mother who has a son who doesn't [113:24] feel like she can speak up but says to [113:26] me privately that she's worried about [113:29] her her kids and actually we had some y [113:30] some mothers right in all of which [113:32] wanted to stay Anonymous saying this [113:34] exact same thing they've got an [113:36] 18-year-old son they're super concerned [113:37] they've got a 16-year-old son the son [113:39] looks lost um as the stats show from the [113:42] report they're not leaving home in the [113:44] same way that women their daughters [113:46] leave home but they don't know what to [113:48] do about it so for those parents that [113:49] are listening now we can't change [113:51] society [113:53] um what would you recommend a parent of [113:55] a young [113:57] boy does first thing is forgive yourself [114:00] there's this [114:02] natural part of a separation where and I [114:06] think this is true of girls but [114:08] especially boys where to make the [114:11] separation easier we don't get along [114:13] with our parents in our senior year in [114:15] high school [114:16] and that doesn't mean your son doesn't [114:18] love you that doesn't mean your son's [114:19] not going to figure it out but to [114:21] forgive yourself [114:23] there's but going back to more [114:25] actionable things try and get male uh [114:29] try and get men involved in his [114:31] life um and then you know dumb stuff [114:34] like my mom made sure I was in Boy [114:36] Scouts my mom when I got caught from the [114:39] high school basketball and football team [114:40] she enrolled me in City League so I [114:43] could continue to play sports but it was [114:45] mostly she was ensured that I had men in [114:47] my life and I think that was really [114:50] really important for me but I you know I [114:53] would just say that I feel like I need [114:56] to coach men more like what I say to boy [114:59] one of the first thing I say to boys I [115:01] had lunch with and was never I had lunch [115:03] with someone who's a fairly famous news [115:05] anchor and her son and I asked the mom [115:07] to EXC they started going at it and I [115:09] asked the mom to excuse herself and I [115:11] said to the mom I'm like you realize [115:13] this is the only person in your life [115:15] ever that wants you to be more [115:17] successful than you you just got to cut [115:19] this out this woman is not your [115:21] enemy [115:22] because and I heard that and I was sh I [115:26] was a bit ashamed because I remember [115:27] like being such an to my mother [115:30] you know so I think but I think I could [115:34] say that to him because I could look him [115:35] in the eyes and say what the you [115:37] doing so I just think that male [115:40] involvement for single [115:43] mothers and I think men are really [115:45] willing to get involved whether it's [115:46] someone down the street a coach your you [115:49] know a sibling your brother whatever it [115:51] is but I do think again the research [115:54] shows that the the the point of failure [115:58] is when a boy loses a male role model [116:01] and also to forgive yourself being a [116:03] single parent with a son I think that's [116:06] hard I just think it's hard Logan you've [116:09] got some questions I can see right pce [116:10] of paper I do have some questions for [116:12] Scott but I would love for you to answer [116:13] them too so one of them is what is [116:16] something about being a man that you [116:18] learned growing up that you have had to [116:21] unlearn [116:23] and I'm wondering specifically and how [116:24] you're raising your sons to avoid some [116:26] of those [116:27] things I think a [116:30] great proxy for masculinity and manhood [116:33] is and Richard reev introduced me to [116:34] this I think it's so powerful and that a [116:36] surplus [116:37] value it's not about a religious [116:39] ceremony it's not about having sex it's [116:41] not about an age it's about getting to [116:44] the point of surplus [116:45] value you create more tax revenue than [116:49] you absorb I say to my boys your [116:50] negative value look at all the resources [116:53] going into look at all the love we love [116:56] you so much more than you love us your [116:58] teachers are spending all this time in [117:00] energy and you're giving you aren't [117:01] giving anything back at some point that [117:03] needs to Pivot so creating more tax [117:08] revenue noticing people's life [117:11] registering more complaints from other [117:12] people than you are complaining [117:14] protecting people you know adding [117:17] Surplus value so you know these Notions [117:22] that [117:23] and and I wasn't that guy I wanted more [117:26] from everyone else than I was giving I [117:28] was the guy that's when someone honked [117:30] to me I was a guy that sped up and honk [117:31] back to restore the universe to its [117:34] place if a Delta if a if a ticket [117:37] counter agent at the airline counter was [117:39] rude to me I needed to get back in their [117:41] face to restore Harmony to the universe [117:43] because I'm a baller and what [117:44] you realize is being a man is [117:46] occasionally taking a hit right it's [117:49] having Surplus value it's noticing [117:51] people's lives it's listening to [117:53] complaints it's occasionally thinking [117:55] well maybe this person who com me off in [117:56] traffic I don't know what's going on [117:57] with them maybe their kid has diabetes [117:59] maybe they're going through divorce it's [118:01] adding more value than you're taking and [118:04] until the age of like 40 I looked at [118:07] every relationship am I getting more out [118:09] of this than I'm giving and if I'm not [118:10] I'm out and what you realize is good [118:13] business Partnerships you add as much or [118:16] more value than your partners good [118:18] relationships you witness the person's [118:20] life you make them feel awesome [118:21] if you leave this world a little bit in [118:24] debt that's the whole point that's the [118:28] whole point or a little bit the world's [118:30] in debt to you that's the win and I used [118:33] to think as a young man that meant I [118:36] needed to exit the relationship I'm not [118:37] getting more money or Services than I'm [118:40] giving I'm not getting more kindness [118:42] than I'm not giving I'm not getting more [118:43] hot experiences with this romantic [118:45] partner than they're giving me I'm out [118:47] no it's the other way around being a man [118:50] is Surplus value yeah I've never thought [118:52] about that before but it's so true that [118:55] like as a man you should aspire to be [118:57] considered [119:00] generous and actually the first time [119:01] someone called me generous was like such [119:03] an unbelievably wonderful compliment to [119:04] me because it means that people see you [119:06] as someone that's giving things but to [119:09] answer your question for me it was just [119:11] um a willingness to express my emotions [119:14] when I'm struggling that's like the [119:16] that's always been the difficult thing [119:17] for me especially because of everything [119:19] I've said earlier about wanting to be [119:20] strong wanting to be a provider there [119:22] are going to be moments where regardless [119:23] of how well you play the the game of [119:25] life you're going to struggle and I did [119:27] not have the tools I still really don't [119:28] have great tools for this but to turn to [119:30] someone and say I'm really struggling [119:32] with this and not to feel [119:34] emasculated um and I would say that [119:37] because as a [119:39] man pretty much the only person you have [119:42] in your life typically that you can turn [119:43] to is your your your your romantic [119:46] partner that's also the last person you [119:48] want to turn to and say you're [119:49] struggling because again for me that [119:51] felt like I was being emasculated so I [119:53] remember the day very vividly when I was [119:54] like 30 years old turning to my [119:58] girlfriend and like running the [120:00] experiment of letting her know that I [120:02] was struggling with [120:03] something and how difficult that was but [120:06] the only reason I did it was because I [120:08] almost felt like I had no choice [120:10] I I'd like gotten to the point I was [120:11] like I need to tell someone this and she [120:13] was the the only person and I still [120:16] don't think I'd tell my my guy friends [120:19] everything I would tell them some things [120:21] but I don't think I'd tell them [120:22] everything and when I look at the stats [120:23] around mental health and depression [120:25] which are absolutely horrific and some [120:26] of these quotes that we had from some of [120:27] the guys that wrote Into the show this [120:29] guy Liam said for me the biggest [120:31] challenge that young men face today is I [120:33] feel like I'm striving for meaning but I [120:35] can't find it anywhere I struggle to [120:37] even sleep at night with some form of [120:39] substance because my brain is constantly [120:41] firing different scenarios at me that [120:42] I'm failing in my life when I am alone [120:44] with my thoughts it's like having [120:46] never-ending lesson about how useless I [120:48] am and how I need to change everything [120:50] in my life and the hardest part is I [120:51] can't even tell anybody this because I [120:53] would feel weak and then this guy [120:55] Jeffrey wrote in and said my entire life [120:57] I've never felt like I was good enough [121:00] like I could never earn my place in [121:02] society and even though I think I've [121:04] achieved some things by the age of 18 I [121:07] still feel like deep inside I will never [121:09] be enough and I'm still not enough and I [121:10] can't tell [121:12] anybody and I think that's a problem [121:14] that's quite unique to men it might be a [121:16] problem unique to my upbringing but I [121:17] just don't have the tools so when I look [121:20] at the stats around depression and Men [121:22] killing themselves 75% of suicides in [121:25] the UK are men and 75% of the worldwide [121:28] are men and suicide as you said I think [121:29] earlier as the leading cause of death [121:31] amongst young men in 50 countries yeah [121:33] if you feel that meaningless and you [121:34] feel that worthless and you don't have [121:36] anyone to console about it to maybe tell [121:38] you that you're wrong you know that's [121:41] why when Scott said that you don't [121:42] necessarily buy the research that women [121:44] are looking for someone who's [121:45] emotionally intelligent fine then don't [121:47] do it for your partner do it for [121:49] yourself yeah I just saw the stand up [121:52] special by kumel nanani it's it'll I'm [121:54] sure it'll like come out on streaming [121:56] soon but the last 20 minutes was pretty [121:58] incredible basically turned from like [122:00] sort of silly standup into kind of like [122:03] his Ted talk so he told this amazing [122:05] story about how one day he was speaking [122:08] to the press and he said I started to go [122:10] to therapy when there were a bunch of [122:12] bad reviews about my movie because I [122:14] realized so much of my identity was tied [122:16] up in external factors and this turned [122:19] into headlines around the world that [122:21] said bad review land Kum nanian therapy [122:24] and he was really frustrated by this so [122:26] in the standup special he took the five [122:29] most popular things that people said [122:31] criticizing him and he broke down each [122:33] one so for example one of them was oh [122:35] boohoo poor you know super rich movie [122:38] star feels sad about bad reviews we [122:40] should all feel sad for him and he's [122:42] like no you don't have to feel sad for [122:44] me but I can feel sad for me and he went [122:46] through all these things and he talked [122:47] about his therapy journey and how before [122:49] therapy he thought I just don't [122:50] experience negative emotions I don't [122:53] experience sadness and through therapy [122:55] he understood oh I experience sadness [122:57] all the time but I don't allow myself to [122:59] feel it so it just comes out as anger so [123:02] he told a story about talking to his dad [123:03] on the phone his dad had just been in a [123:05] car accident but was fine and then he [123:07] helped his dad through that experience [123:08] and then a few hours later he's like [123:10] where the is my Ninja Turtle [123:12] t-shirt and it's like he needed therapy [123:15] to explain to him he's not upset about [123:17] the T-shirt he's upset about his dad but [123:20] I think that the fact that he you know [123:22] in his 40s or however old he is had to [123:25] learn that it makes me feel like [123:27] everyone needs to learn that if it's not [123:29] for a romantic partner then it's for [123:31] yourself because a life sucks if you [123:33] can't cry you can't express emotions you [123:35] don't have people to talk to and so [123:37] forget about attracting a mate just not [123:39] killing yourself just being a happier [123:41] person I think we just need more room [123:43] for men to express [123:46] emotions the first time I went to a [123:48] therapist was when I was about about 30 [123:51] 30 1 and I put it off for so [123:55] long for this reason because every part [123:57] of it made me feel like emasculated and [124:00] as a man you're like I know I can deal [124:02] with everything myself and I've got this [124:03] like like I said when the bus comes I [124:05] put my hand in front of my girlfriend [124:06] I'm always the protector so when you [124:08] find yourself in a position like these [124:09] men who've written into the show where [124:11] you feel meaningless or you feel [124:12] hopeless or there's some other challenge [124:14] in your life you think it's your job to [124:17] fix well I I thought it was like my job [124:19] to fix and also like maybe because I've [124:21] been a CEO since the age of of 18 I'm [124:24] always like holding for for everybody so [124:27] you learn to like keep a [124:28] straight face the business is on fire we [124:30] have no money to pay 170 people's wages [124:33] and it's Friday and they're expecting [124:35] like you learn this skill of like [124:36] numbness and that doesn't serve you when [124:38] you're trying to resolve something and [124:40] this is why I think corn uh gambling [124:43] addiction become the Avenue because [124:45] there's not another Avenue to to sort of [124:48] take pressure off the pressure valve [124:50] so yeah difficult it's difficult the way [124:55] you the email you just read from that [124:57] young man I I've stopped and it sounds [125:02] crash I can't handle the emails I get [125:03] anymore I'm getting so many emails from [125:06] young men who are [125:08] just I mean you like you read an email [125:12] like that and you just like it's [125:15] devastating you know I haven't gotten [125:18] over the death of my father I'm living [125:20] alone I've become addicted to op I mean [125:23] you just hear this like I know I [125:25] have value to add I just can't figure it [125:27] out or I mean just there's just so many [125:31] of these men out there and I think a lot [125:33] of it is I always looked to economics [125:35] I'm like we've got to figure out [125:37] vocational programming I think we should [125:39] have national service so people feel a [125:41] sense of identity and connection and [125:43] purpose some of the lowest levels of [125:46] young adult depression are in Israel [125:47] despite all the existential threats [125:49] because they all serve in the IDF for [125:51] two to three years I think we need more [125:55] freshman seats at colleges I think we [125:57] need more third places where people uh I [126:00] think a lot of it comes down to [126:01] economics and policy programs I think [126:02] there's a lot we can do to help young [126:06] men but in the US it's now 77% moving to [126:10] 80% suicides it's 4 to one if there was [126:13] any special interest group you go into a [126:14] Morgan America and five people di by [126:16] Suicide four men if that was any other [126:19] special interest group versus the [126:20] control group they'd weigh in with [126:22] programs but because of the enormous [126:25] Advantage I registered and let's be [126:26] honest it was enormous basically all [126:29] Prosperity In America which was [126:30] unprecedented was crammed into 30% of [126:33] the population basically white males so [126:36] we just had we had staggering [126:39] advantage and now 19-year-old males are [126:42] paying the price for my advantage [126:44] there's really a lack of empathy for [126:46] them and what I do think is hopeful is [126:49] that [126:51] s and women in society now realize that [126:53] the [126:54] country and women are not going to [126:57] continue to flourish if men are flailing [127:00] and it finally feels like we're having a [127:02] real program the governor Marilyn [127:03] Westmore has said that his Focus for his [127:06] administration this is a governor of a [127:08] state a liberal state is going to be on [127:11] helping the state's young men I mean [127:13] that took such balls for him to [127:16] say that and you know what the populists [127:19] received it well because on the ground [127:23] people are feeling it they're really [127:25] feeling how much young men are [127:26] struggling so I'm actually quite hopeful [127:30] that we've turned a corner in terms of [127:32] the dialogue because when I started [127:34] talking about this four or five years [127:36] ago and right away oh you're massage [127:38] your hair wasn't on fire when women were [127:40] I mean just oh it was such there was [127:44] such a gag reflex it has changed so [127:46] dramatically in the last four or five [127:48] years where do we send these guys [127:52] that's a great question and I wish I had [127:56] a list of resources I'm trying to [127:58] assemble it around all [128:00] right I mean I'm I'm involved with it [128:03] because it's difficult to discern [128:05] between ordinary young adult or [128:07] adolescent problems and when a kid's [128:09] suicidal I wish I had some sort of AI [128:11] filter that would go this kid needs help [128:13] right away like there here are some [128:15] resources here are some men's groups you [128:17] know and I do a shitty job I can't talk [128:19] to all of them a couple of them I take [128:21] the laser I say here's 500 bucks do [128:22] better help online therapy I'll pay for [128:24] your first four sessions yeah just be [128:26] but I got to be honest I don't know I [128:29] mean I think we should put together this [128:30] list of resources and I feel like there [128:32] are good guys out there I put Chris [128:34] Williamson in this group I put both of [128:35] you out there podcasts are how a lot of [128:39] modern wisdom is being expressed right [128:41] now right you don't go to church you get [128:43] your sermon through your airpods so like [128:46] who are the guys that are saying healthy [128:47] things and I feel like if we can fill [128:50] their ears with the healthy messages of [128:52] masculinity we are taking away the space [128:54] and the attention from the people that [128:56] are really profiting from these negative [129:01] messages I think you need a place to [129:03] send the people who email you and I I I [129:05] appreciate the offer and we should do [129:06] this but we should have a list that says [129:08] all right what what are you struggling [129:11] with and here are some here are some [129:14] resources or things you should think [129:15] about but even what you both said to my [129:17] answer or to my question around like [129:19] what's the Boot Camp or what would you [129:21] tell guys like that's not a crazy list I [129:25] think it's like for a lot of these guys [129:28] to have you as sort of a ra male role [129:30] model of like go to the gym make money [129:34] be kind look out for others like I just [129:38] feel like that can be condensed into and [129:40] maybe that's what your new book is but [129:42] like truly I think people are looking [129:44] for a script with the lack of religion [129:46] lack of institution we've lost all these [129:48] scripts that tell people what to do [129:51] let's write a new [129:52] script it's on you brother you're [129:54] younger you got more tread on your you [129:56] you've got you look at all these cameras [130:00] I'm I mean somebody's gonna watch this [130:03] and pull it together into all of your [130:05] advice but I'm just saying I like the [130:06] idea of a collective it needs to get out [130:08] there because if you don't fill the [130:10] space somebody else will and they [130:13] already are and it's not the messages [130:15] that you want to have the next [130:17] population the Next Generation having I [130:20] agree we'll talk about this camera [130:24] two man anything else you wanted to ask [130:27] us I know you see you're SC to her views [130:29] if you've got any other questions you [130:30] wanted to ask no I'm just really glad [130:32] that we're having this conversation I [130:33] feel like maybe I wouldn't have had this [130:35] conversation a year ago I do think the [130:37] tide is turning I think the title of the [130:38] report as Lost Boys is very helpful and [130:41] I just want to end with the message that [130:44] women don't have to do worse when men do [130:47] better and vice versa and let's raise up [130:51] everyone so that we're all thriving [130:55] and yeah let's help these Lost Boys And [130:58] also help women any closing points when [131:00] it's smad Scott oh well just a message [131:02] to young people in general The Arc of [131:06] Happiness is a smile and that is kind of [131:09] zero to 18 is prom football you know [131:14] making [131:15] out it's generally pretty happy the [131:18] least happy years for people are usually [131:20] kind of 18 to [131:23] 45 economic stress relationships are [131:25] hard you probably are someone you love a [131:28] great deal gets sick and dies and if [131:30] you're struggling what I what I would [131:32] just say [131:34] is you know don't be afraid to reach out [131:36] for help but also realize that if you're [131:39] not a member of Parliament and you don't [131:40] have a fragrance named after you it [131:42] doesn't mean you're failing and to [131:44] forgive yourself and to recognize that [131:47] those are tough years I you know when my [131:51] first kid was born I tell this story a [131:53] lot it's supposed to be Angel singing [131:55] and bright lights I felt nothing but [131:57] shame I was 42 and I was broke I had put [132:00] everything into my tech company great [132:03] financial recession came along I think I [132:05] my account called me and said you're [132:06] worth a negative $2 million if we look [132:08] at your debts you're worth negative2 [132:11] million and about that time my oldest [132:13] son had the poor judgment to come [132:14] rotating out of my girlfriend and all I [132:16] felt with this kid was shame like I have [132:20] failed I failed myself and now I failed [132:23] on an entirely new dimension as a [132:26] provider and a father that was the first [132:28] thing I felt when my son was born and I [132:32] wrote about it and I can't tell you how [132:34] many men I heard from that all I felt [132:37] when I had my first kid or kids was a [132:40] sense of embarrassment and that I was [132:42] already failing that energy that you [132:45] felt at that moment did you Channel it [132:47] into something or were you tempted [132:49] nausea nausea I was in the delivery room [132:52] and they were more worried about me and [132:54] they thought it was because I was [132:54] grossed out by birthing it was because I [132:56] was so ashamed I would just immediately [132:58] felt like oh my God how did I put myself [133:01] in a position where I'm a terrible [133:03] provider on day one I just felt a [133:06] tremendous amount of Shame and I think [133:08] most people when you talk to them at [133:10] some point have felt really down and [133:14] really like [133:15] embarrassed and I just don't think [133:17] that's anything unusual and you you you [133:20] want to you want to forgive give [133:21] yourself you want to say to yourself I [133:24] can add value to a company I can make [133:27] someone very happy you know and try and [133:30] surround yourself with people that make [133:32] you feel good about yourself and every [133:35] day just little baby steps write some [133:37] things down trying to exercise trying to [133:40] eat well I can tell when I'm getting [133:41] depressed and I have this method of [133:43] getting out of it I call it scaffa scafa [133:46] sweat it's like resets my operating [133:48] system clean try and eat really well at [133:52] home abstinence and when I say absence [133:55] abstinence from pot and alcohol both of [133:57] which I love and I'm really good at them [133:59] they add value to my life but when I'm [134:01] not feeling good I take them out of my [134:03] life because whatever's going on with my [134:04] sensors I just don't want to mess with [134:06] them f is um family I find being around [134:10] my boys is really important and then a [134:12] is affection I find affection being [134:16] around even if it's my dogs laying on me [134:18] or my boys I'll say to my boys let's [134:20] watch TV and my instinctively throw [134:21] their legs on mine not necessarily sex [134:24] but affection with my partner those are [134:26] the things that get me out of a dark [134:27] place so try and figure out if you can [134:30] what things help you get out of a dark [134:32] place but [134:33] recognize everyone struggles and I'm not [134:36] saying that you shouldn't reach out and [134:38] find help but everything online is [134:41] telling you you should be in a Gulf [134:42] Stream in parting in St Barts no that [134:47] that's just not that's not the real [134:49] world and try and build a support system [134:53] and also forgive yourself life is [134:55] happiness is a smile kind of 20 20 to 45 [134:58] is usually you know it's full of a lot [135:00] of Joy but it's also full of a lot of [135:03] you know oftentimes a lot of anxiety do [135:06] you go to therapy no have you ever been [135:09] I did my first marriage we went to [135:10] marriage counseling and after the first [135:12] session we decided to get divorced so [135:13] I'm a little traumatized by therapy yeah [135:17] he got right to it saved me real money [135:19] yeah oh Stephen I wanted to add one more [135:21] thing I think an underappreciated [135:23] resource for men for building empathy is [135:26] reading fiction books so I'm in a book [135:29] club I read fiction all the time fiction [135:31] builds a lot of empathy because you are [135:33] truly Inside the Mind of somebody else [135:35] for two or 300 pages when I talk to guys [135:39] they so rarely read fiction do you read [135:41] any fiction none at all a lot of guys [135:43] that I talk to they say oh I read [135:45] non-fiction and there's so many lists [135:47] online of like the hundred non-fiction [135:49] books to get your MBA and it's like [135:51] we're all reading so much non-fiction on [135:53] our phone at all times read a book of [135:56] fiction get inside the head of somebody [135:58] else get inside the head of a woman I [136:00] think that for zero dollars at the local [136:02] library you can actually become a better [136:04] person do you know what's interesting [136:05] there there's a reason why men read [136:07] books about how to make money yeah [136:09] because it goes back to everything we've [136:10] said if I said to my boys boys we're [136:11] gonna start reading fiction that that my [136:13] my friends read stuff that's going to [136:15] help them build a business make money or [136:17] gain muscle mass yeah but can I convince [136:19] what what if what if you're single and [136:21] I'm going to say read this fiction and [136:23] you're going to get laid like why can't [136:25] we just reframe and change the narrative [136:28] on fiction we I mean I just feel like [136:31] there's so many examples of times that I [136:33] haven't really known what's going on [136:34] with the group and then I read a book [136:36] about that group and I'm not an expert [136:38] in them but I can think about them more [136:40] and I just feel like look if you are not [136:42] having success with women and you don't [136:44] have any women in your life read a [136:46] book by a woman just a quick [136:48] anecdote when I was a senior in high [136:50] school and a freshman in college I [136:52] remember thinking I'm strange I I'm I'm [136:56] I remember feeling very insecure about [136:57] my own psychological makeup and that [136:59] didn't help and then I read a bunch of [137:02] John Irving novels the world according [137:04] to GARP Cider House roles and the people [137:06] in it were just so strange it [137:08] made me feel better about myself I'm [137:10] like oh there's other weirdos out there [137:12] so what you say really resonates it made [137:14] me feel less self-conscious about how [137:16] unusual I thought I was um so I it just [137:21] dawned on me that that was a big help [137:23] for me wow Tik Tok is not going to give [137:26] you the empathy that spending 300 Pages [137:29] Inside the Mind of a person different [137:31] from yourself will thank you both um for [137:34] so many reasons Scott you're actually [137:36] writing a book at the moment which is [137:38] going to be published shortly we've [137:39] talked about it a few times what is the [137:40] title of that book and what is it [137:42] about well I I've determined I don't [137:44] know how it is for you with books but [137:46] basically your publisher does nothing [137:47] and then and then obsesses over the [137:49] title that's the value [137:51] that is very true so I had it work it [137:55] was supposed to be originally about [137:56] masculinity then I realized that I don't [137:57] have the skills of the domain expertise [137:59] to summarize masculinity so I change it [138:01] to work in progress notes on becoming a [138:03] man and I just talk about stories that [138:06] I've written about about some of the [138:07] things we've talked about today and [138:08] trying to use masculinity as a code I [138:10] think everyone needs a code whether it's [138:12] the military the religion their family [138:14] values and I think [138:16] masculinity can serve as a code if [138:19] defined correctly for young men but it's [138:21] just a series of like stories about [138:23] things I've gone through some of my many [138:25] ways I failed and what I learned about [138:28] trying to become a man trying to be a [138:29] good dad trying to be a good partner [138:31] when is it published when is it gonna be [138:33] published it'll be on the fall on the [138:34] fall okay and Logan you have an [138:37] incredible book which is I mean one of [138:39] the I think the book on this subject [138:41] matter called how to not dial alone the [138:44] surprising science that will help you [138:45] find love and what does someone discover [138:48] in that book well it's really about [138:50] understanding the blind spots that hold [138:52] people back from Finding Love and then [138:54] making a plan to overcome them I'm going [138:57] to link all of Scott's books and all of [138:58] Logan's book in the comments below for [139:01] anybody to read I also wanted to say a [139:02] huge thank you to the center of social [139:04] justice for making this report because [139:05] it's again it's caused a huge [139:07] conversation in the UK and now around [139:09] the world around Lost Boys um we have a [139:11] closing tradition on this podcast where [139:13] the last guest leaves a question for the [139:14] next guest not knowing who they're [139:15] leaving it for and the question I'm [139:17] going to ask both of you [139:19] is Logan what are you most scared [139:23] of I'm most scared of losing my [139:27] husband because he has had a brush with [139:30] death he had very serious bone cancer I [139:33] feel like we've just been through such [139:35] hard stuff with him medically that right [139:37] now I'm here today with you he's [139:40] climbing I was just thinking you know [139:43] what happens if something happens to him [139:44] with climbing and we have a one-year-old [139:46] daughter and so maybe the most obvious [139:48] answer is something that happened to my [139:50] daughter but for me is really something [139:51] to happen to my [139:53] husband SC what do you may SC of the way [139:57] I took that was what of my most worried [139:59] about I'm really worried about an [140:01] epidemic of [140:02] loneliness um from a societal standpoint [140:06] that people are starting to believe they [140:08] can disengage from [140:09] life and that leads to anxiety and [140:12] depression and polarization that makes [140:13] the world a less safe place personally [140:16] my fear has always been the same I'm [140:17] always worried that my kind of selfish [140:19] instincts [140:22] manifest in an ugly way and I end up [140:24] alone and old you know that's [140:27] my that's my biggest fear that I end up [140:30] dying under Bright Lights you know [140:32] surrounded by strangers that's my [140:35] biggest fear because your selfish [140:36] instincts manifest you do something [140:38] wrong in your relationship or you [140:40] up your yeah just so my dad is not a [140:42] very my dad ended up my dad's basically [140:45] alone at 95 and some of his less some of [140:48] his lower character quality attributes I [140:52] see in myself and that's a fear my fear [140:54] is that you know end up dying surrounded [140:58] by strangers Steve do [141:02] yours the first thing that comes to mind [141:04] is my something happening to my partner [141:06] I just can't imagine I just see her as [141:08] this like perfect human being that was [141:11] like this Angel so thinking I just can't [141:14] imagine ever finding anybody comparable [141:17] so something happening to her finding [141:18] out she was sick I think is the first [141:20] thing that comes to mind it comes to [141:20] mind actually but above any anything in [141:22] my life and then I do have a little bit [141:24] of Scott's fear which he expressed there [141:28] which is that I will make bad decisions [141:34] based on I'm going to just say it just [141:37] like the Temptation Of Life and that'll [141:40] Lead Me Up lead me to be a bad father [141:43] not be around for my kids not be able to [141:45] be around for my kids and be [141:47] lonely and uh old and Rich [141:51] and [141:52] miserable it's like kind of a fear I've [141:55] always had it's interesting I said the [141:57] word temptation yeah because in the [141:58] world you know there's a lot of [141:59] Temptation there is people don't talk [142:02] about a [142:03] lot thank you skull thank you I want to [142:06] say thank you to you in particular [142:07] because you've been one of the leading [142:08] voices in this fight that's a generous [142:10] thing to say I appreciate that it's [142:12] absolutely not generous because it's [142:13] absolutely true when people think of [142:14] this subject matter they think of you [142:16] now and um you also stuck your neck out [142:18] and started speaking about this subject [142:20] long before it was okay to speak about [142:22] the subject and you spoke about it in [142:24] such an eloquent hilarious Wise Way that [142:28] both sides listened and I think you're [142:30] one of the key people on this subject [142:32] matter who's even allowed these kind of [142:34] reports to exist because I'm actually [142:36] not sure that if it wasn't for you um [142:39] reports like this would exist I think [142:41] you're wrong but I'll take it I think [142:43] I'm absolutely right like I actually [142:44] think I'm right because the reach you've [142:46] had on the subject matter is hundreds [142:48] and hundreds of millions of people [142:49] across the e clipse across the podcasts [142:51] you've done and like I said listen there [142:53] wasn't a lot of people saying it before [142:55] you could say you've actually given [142:56] cover to a lot of people you've even [142:57] given cover to me and it's because of [143:00] the the the wonderful science and art [143:02] that you um you deploy as it relates to [143:05] communication and [143:06] Logan thank you as well because you've [143:09] made the decision as well to lend your [143:11] voice to this subject matter which is [143:12] complicated and it's like problematic [143:14] and it's full of like landmines it feels [143:15] like but you're adding an incredibly [143:18] important perspective when that comes [143:19] from tremendous resear [143:21] live the experience and um you're a very [143:23] important I think individual in this in [143:26] this fight to to speak to speak and to [143:29] to sort of create a better world for our [143:32] young and Lost Boys thank you can I [143:34] thank Scott too knock yourself out you [143:36] know just to make you uncomfortable go [143:38] on okay yeah so as I've been talking to [143:41] people about my interest in this the [143:42] first thing they always say is oh the [143:44] stuff that Scott Galloway is talking [143:46] about and if you weren't talking about [143:47] it I don't think they would have anyone [143:49] to point to I but I just just need to I [143:51] feel like a plagiarist because the [143:53] majority of my good data comes from [143:54] Richard Reed I know that that's true but [143:57] the point is you are the most effective [143:59] Communicator in the world right now your [144:02] ability to turn stories and facts into [144:05] persuasion is something that no one else [144:07] is doing so you're taking Richard's data [144:10] and combining your lived experience and [144:13] you're getting this message out there in [144:14] a way that no one else is doing thank [144:16] you that's generous thank you and no one [144:19] else could reach both sides [144:21] in such an effective way which I think [144:22] is really important so again thank you [144:25] Scott thank you thank you for being so [144:26] generous of your time really appreciate [144:28] it we launched these conversation cards [144:30] and they sold out and we launched them [144:31] again and they sold out again we [144:32] launched them again and they sold out [144:33] again because people love playing these [144:35] with colleagues at work with friends at [144:37] home and also with family and we've also [144:39] got a big audience that Ed them as [144:41] Journal prompts every single time a [144:43] guest comes on the dire of a CEO they [144:45] leave a question to the next guest in [144:47] the diary and I've sat here with some of [144:48] the most incredible people in the world [144:50] and they've left all of these questions [144:52] in the diary and I've ranked them from [144:55] one to three in terms of the depth one [144:57] being a starter question and level three [145:00] if you look on the back here this is a [145:01] level three becomes a much deeper [145:04] question that builds even more [145:05] connection if you turn the cards over [145:08] and you scan that QR code you can see [145:11] who answered the card and watch the [145:13] video of them answering it in real time [145:15] so if you would like to get your hands [145:17] on some of these conversation cards go [145:18] to the diary.com or look at the link in [145:20] the description below this has always [145:23] blown my mind a little bit 53% of you [145:25] that listen to the show regularly [145:27] haven't yet subscribe to the show so [145:29] could I ask you for a favor if you like [145:31] the show and you like what we do here [145:32] and you want to support us the free [145:33] simple way that you can do just that is [145:35] by hitting the Subscribe button and my [145:37] commitment to you is if you do that then [145:39] I'll do everything in my power me and my [145:40] team to make sure that this show is [145:42] better for you every single week we'll [145:44] listen to your feedback we'll find the [145:45] guest that you want me to speak to and [145:47] we'll continue to do what we do thank [145:49] you so much oh [145:53] [Music] [146:10] [Music]