Huberman Links Grief Remapping to Inferior Parietal Lobule

Huberman将哀伤重构与顶下小叶联系起来 适应性哀伤需要将真实的情感依恋与空间和时间的物理维度解耦，同时稳定皮质醇的昼夜节律。 本期节目探讨了人类大脑如何利用由顶下小叶管理的三维认知地图来追踪亲密关系，而该地图在经历亲友丧失后必须进行全面重组。Andrew Huberman解释了不同个体在体验哀伤中的渴望感时所存在的生物学差异，将强烈的渴望与催产素受体密度以及紊乱的皮质醇昼夜节律联系在一起。为预防复杂性哀伤，他介绍了一套“理性哀伤”工具，旨在将依恋的情感感受与已过时的时空情景记忆解耦。最后，讨论强调通过光照、睡眠和迷走神经张力练习来调节基础生理状态，能够使个体安全地体会依恋的躯体感受，并以适应性的方式处理丧失。 人类大脑在三个不同维度上映射人际关系：空间（对方身在何处）、时间（何时存在）以及亲密程度。 (0:00) 哀伤是一种有别于抑郁症的生理和心理过程，尽管两者具有食欲不振、睡眠障碍和哭泣等共同症状。 (0:00) 现代fMRI神经影像学表明，哀伤主要激活负责动机、渴望和追寻的大脑回路，而非被动的悲伤，这挑战了传统库伯勒-罗丝阶段理论中关于被动进展的观点。 (1:53) 顶下小叶在所有三个关系维度（空间距离、时间跨度和情感亲密程度）上都会被特异性激活。 (4:00) 哀伤是一个艰难的神经调节过程，需要将深层的情感依恋与其在空间和时间上既定的物理预期解耦并理顺。 (7:36)

Andrew Huberman explains that grief is a biological process driven by the brain's predictive map of space, time, and attachment, requiring mourners to decouple their emotional bond from physical expectations while stabilizing their autonomic physiology. The Neural Triad of Space, Time, and Closeness (4:00) Huberman highlights neuroimaging research demonstrating that the inferior parietal lobule uniquely processes three core metrics: spatial distance between objects, temporal spacing between auditory tones, and emotional closeness to people. Rather than operating purely as an emotional state, attachment is neurologically braided with spatial and temporal expectations of when and where an individual will be encountered. This shared circuitry contradicts the traditional Kübler-Ross five-stage model; functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) reveals that grief predominantly activates brain regions tied to motivation, craving, and pursuit rather than passive sadness. Because relationships are cataloged through rich episodic memories, the nervous system continually generates unconscious predictions that a lost person will appear or call. Grief represents the painful cognitive disorientation caused by these reverberatory predictions failing against the physical reality of permanent absence. Oxytocin and Biological Variations in Yearning (17:20) Individual differences in the intensity and duration of grief are heavily regulated by neurochemistry, specifically oxytocin. In animal studies involving prairie voles—a species noted for forming lifelong pair bonds—monogamous voles exert significant effort to overcome barriers and reach their partners, whereas non-monogamous voles do not. This drive correlates directly with a higher concentration of oxytocin receptors in the nucleus accumbens, the brain region governing reward and motivated pursuit. Translational human imaging shows that bereaved individuals experiencing severe, prolonged yearning similarly display elevated oxytocin receptor density within craving pathways. Huberman notes that these receptor variations explain why people process the same loss at vastly different rates, clarifying that prolonged grief stems from distinct biological wiring rather than a deeper capacity for love. Autonomic Tone and Cortisol Disruption in Complicated Grief (26:20) Navigating grief effectively depends on a regulated autonomic nervous system and stable hormonal rhythms. In healthy physiology, cortisol reaches its 24-hour peak roughly 45 minutes after waking and steadily declines, becoming very low by 4:00 p.m. and remaining minimal through the night. Research evaluating complicated grief demonstrates that individuals struggling with prolonged dysfunction exhibit significantly elevated cortisol levels at 4:00 p.m. and 9:00 p.m., signifying autonomic dysregulation that disrupts restorative sleep. Huberman recommends viewing morning sunlight immediately after waking to help anchor this diurnal rhythm. Additionally, a study published in Biological Psychology examining 35 participants found that structured emotional writing exercises assisted only those with high baseline vagal tone. Individuals capable of modulating their physiological state through respiratory sinus arrhythmia—slowing heart rate via prolonged exhalations—are better equipped to confront the somatic pain of loss without experiencing destabilizing autonomic distress. Rational Grieving Protocols and Neural Plasticity (30:30) To prevent complicated grief, Huberman outlines a practice termed "rational grieving," executed in dedicated blocks of 5 to 45 minutes. The protocol requires an individual to summon the felt intensity of emotional closeness while maintaining strict cognitive awareness that the person or animal no longer exists in physical space and time. Practitioners must actively suppress counterfactual "what-if" thinking—such as imagining alternative travel routes or phone calls—which triggers guilt and reinforces traumatic neural loops. Rather than indulging episodic memories that generate false predictive expectations, individuals focus purely on the internal attachment. This focused waking state triggers neuroplasticity, while the actual physical rewiring of neural circuits occurs during subsequent deep sleep or 10-to-30-minute Non-Sleep Deep Rest (NSDR) protocols. Huberman emphasizes that physiological tools and autonomic practices are designed to complement, not replace, clinical mental health support from psychiatrists, psychologists, and bereavement groups. While deep emotional attachments inevitably carry the vulnerability of grief, he maintains that continuing to forge new episodic memories remains vital for a meaningful life.

斯坦福大学医学院神经生物学教授Andrew Huberman指出，哀伤并非被动的消极情绪或固定的阶段性过程，而是一种需要对空间、时间和依恋关系进行神经生物学重塑的认知过程；其愈合的核心在于解开大脑在物理时空层面对逝者的预测期待，同时在内心完整保留深层的情感依恋。 空间时间与依恋关系的大脑三维表征 (4:00) Huberman指出，传统伊丽莎白·库伯勒-罗斯（Elisabeth Kübler-Ross）提出的否认、愤怒、讨价还价、抑郁和接受五阶段模型，已无法完全对应现代神经科学的发现。功能性磁共振成像（fMRI）显示，哀伤主要激活大脑中与动机、渴望及主动追求相关的神经回路，而非单纯的被动悲伤。在非偏向性脑成像实验中，当下顶小叶（inferior parietal lobule）在处理物体间的物理距离、声音的时间间隔以及现实亲密人际关系时，均被特异性激活，证明人类大脑将人际依恋与空间（在何处）和时间（在何时）交织在同一张神经认知地图中。 大脑的核心功能之一是作出预测，深层依恋建立在丰富的情景记忆（episodic memories）之上，持续追踪上次见面时间并预测未来的互动。当丧失发生时，大脑的记忆库并不会瞬间被清空，其神经回路仍会产生持续的回响活动，促使个体反复预期逝者会推门而入或照常来电。这种无法兑现的预测冲动解释了哀伤中强烈的思念与渴求；因此，哀伤的本质就是解开并解离大脑中物理时空维度与情感依恋之间的紧密交织。 催产素受体差异与个体思念渴求程度 (13:33) 对于相同程度的重大丧失，不同个体的痛苦程度与平复时间存在显著差异。Huberman指出，这种差异在很大程度上受神经肽与激素催产素（oxytocin）的调节。在神经科学经典动物模型中，严格实行一夫一妻制的草原田鼠（prairie voles）在与伴侣被物理屏障隔开后，会表现出极其强烈的重新靠近动机，而非单配制的田鼠则不会付出同等努力。神经机制表明，单配制田鼠伏隔核（nucleus accumbens，主导动机、渴求与奖赏追求的关键脑区）中的催产素受体密度明显更高，将依恋分子与动机通路深度绑定。 人类脑成像与受体表达研究与田鼠实验高度吻合。在丧亲后陷入长期持久的强烈渴求、频繁产生冲动联系逝者或沉溺于反事实“愿望性思维”的个体，其动机脑区通常具备更高密度的催产素受体或更高水平的催产素。Huberman强调，受体密度差异属于神经化学和生物学层面的客观机制，反映了个体处理依恋渴求的不同节奏，并不意味着某些人在心理上比其他人更具爱意或更具备依恋能力。 迷走神经张力与复杂性哀伤的皮质醇失调 (21:00) 哀伤的适应性转化与个体的自主神经系统状态紧密相关。《生物心理学》（Biological Psychology）发表的一项针对35名丧亲者的对照研究显示，连续数周进行深层情感书写表达（包括直接给逝者写信），并未对所有参与者带来普遍益处，但基线迷走神经张力（vagal tone）较高的个体却从中获得了极大的心理缓解。迷走神经通过呼气调控横膈膜运动来减缓心率（即呼吸性窦性心律不齐），拥有良好自主神经调节能力的人，能够在不陷入失控的前提下，直面并激活脱离了时空维度的躯体依恋感受。 相比之下，陷入长期丧失生活功能的“复杂性哀伤”（complicated grief）患者往往伴随严重的自主神经失调。健康人群的皮质醇水平通常在醒后约45分钟达到全天峰值，随后逐步下降，至下午4点及晚间9点降至低水平；而临床研究图表显示，复杂性哀伤患者在下午4点和晚间9点仍维持异常偏高的皮质醇，导致身心无法进入放松与修复状态。Huberman建议，晨起尽早接触自然阳光或强人工光线以锚定早晨皮质醇峰值，是调节自主神经、改善夜间睡眠并建立哀伤适应生理基础的关键干预途径。 理性哀伤练习与神经可塑性修复工具 (30:30) 为防止哀伤恶化为复杂性功能障碍，Huberman提出了名为“理性哀伤”（rational grieving）的认知练习工具。该方法要求个体每天或隔天设置5至45分钟的专注时段，深切体会对逝者的内在亲密感与情感联结，同时在认知上完全承认并接受其已在物理时空中彻底消亡的事实。在此期间，必须有意识地从具象的情景记忆中抽离，坚决遏制反事实思维（counterfactual thinking，例如“如果当初早一天打电话或走另一条路”等无限内疚与假设），因为反事实思维会强化创伤性神经联结，严重阻碍正常的适应过程。 神经可塑性（neuroplasticity）的规律表明，大脑神经通路的重新布线在清醒时通过高强度的专注或书写被激活，但其物理结构的实质性重构必须在深度睡眠或10至30分钟的非睡眠深度休息（NSDR）中完成。此外，通过延长呼气以强化呼吸性窦性心律不齐，能帮助调节体内儿茶酚胺水平并平抑过度应激，从而为大脑完成认知重塑提供必要的生理支持。 Huberman总结认为，哀伤的痛苦与依恋的深度成正比，但健康的应对绝不是通过麻木或情感逃避来减轻痛苦，而是在保留深厚情感羁绊的同时，将时空预测与依恋彻底解绑。他强调，这些基于神经生物学的生理调节工具旨在辅助而非取代传统的临床心理治疗、精神医学干预或丧亲互助小组。最终，个体应当在认知重塑后主动投入生活，勇敢建立新的情景记忆与人际联结，这正是赋予生命深层意义的基石。

[9:20] Andrew Huberman: Grief is the process of uncoupling, unbraiding, and untangling that relationship between where people are in space, in time, and our attachment to them.

[0:00] Welcome to Huberman Lab Essentials, [0:01] [music] where we revisit past episodes [0:04] for the most potent and actionable [0:06] science-based tools for mental health, [0:08] physical health, and performance. [0:11] I'm Andrew Huberman and I'm a professor [0:13] of neurobiology and ophthalmology at [0:16] Stanford School of Medicine. Today we [0:18] are going to discuss how we [0:19] conceptualize grief both at an emotional [0:22] and at a logical level. [0:24] I'm going to teach you about the [0:25] neuroscience and the psychology of grief [0:28] and incredible findings that have been [0:30] made in just a few key laboratories that [0:33] point to the fact that we essentially [0:36] map our experience of people in three [0:38] dimensions. Let me just give you a [0:40] little hint of what those dimensions [0:42] are. They relate to space, where people [0:45] are, time, when people are, I'll explain [0:48] what that means, and a dimension called [0:50] closeness. [0:52] And how those three dimensions of space, [0:54] time, and closeness [0:56] are what establish very close bonds with [0:58] people and are what require remapping, [1:01] reorganization within our emotional [1:03] framework and our logical framework when [1:05] we lose somebody for whatever reason. [1:08] The important thing to point out is that [1:09] grief is a process. [1:11] Like any biological or psychological [1:13] event, it has a beginning, a middle, and [1:15] an end. [1:16] And I do believe that being able to [1:17] orient in terms of where you are in that [1:19] process can be immensely beneficial. [1:22] Not just for predicting how long it's [1:24] going to last, but in order to [1:26] conceptualize the person or animal that [1:28] you lost in a way that allows you to [1:30] best preserve their memory while [1:31] maintaining your own functional capacity [1:33] in life. Along those lines, I want to [1:35] point out that grief and depression, [1:38] while they can feel quite similar in [1:40] certain ways [1:42] and have overlapping symptomology, loss [1:44] of appetite, challenges sleeping, [1:47] crying in the middle of the day for no [1:48] apparent reason, etc., they are [1:50] distinctly different processes. As we [1:53] wade into this important topic, [1:55] I'd like to emphasize some of the common [1:56] myths and misunderstandings about grief. [1:59] Some of the myths and misunderstanding [2:01] arrive from the beautiful work of [2:03] Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a psychologist [2:05] who wrote the famous book on death and [2:06] dying. The different stages of grief, [2:09] very quickly, are denial, anger, [2:10] bargaining, depression, and acceptance. [2:13] But unfortunately, those five stages [2:15] were sort of taken to be gospel for a [2:16] long time, and we now know, based on [2:19] neuroimaging, based on more in-depth [2:21] psychological evaluation, and frankly, [2:23] more researchers and clinicians moving [2:26] into this area and observing that while [2:28] much of what Kubler-Ross described does [2:30] hold true, it's not always the case. How [2:33] do I know this? Well, I know this [2:35] because brain imaging studies involving [2:38] what's called functional magnetic [2:39] resonance imaging, fMRI, in which you [2:42] can evaluate which brain areas are more [2:44] active than others, according to blood [2:46] flow, which correlates with neural [2:47] activity, and so forth, [2:49] teaches us that the brain areas that are [2:51] associated with motivation and craving [2:54] and pursuit are some of the primary [2:57] brain areas and circuits that are [2:58] activated in states of grief. We [3:01] understand also on the basis of [3:04] brain imaging studies that, in order to [3:06] understand grief, we have to understand [3:08] how attachments are represented in our [3:10] brain. And it turns out that both [3:12] attachments and the breaking of [3:14] attachments in healthy ways are governed [3:17] by three important what we call [3:19] dimensions. The three dimensions of [3:22] relating to someone or an animal or a [3:25] thing are space, time, and closeness. [3:29] And in order to illustrate each one and [3:32] how they work together [3:33] to support relationships and their [3:35] involvement in the grieving process, I'm [3:38] going to tell you about an experiment. [3:40] The experiment involves putting people [3:41] into a brain scanner that allows the [3:43] researcher to evaluate brain activity in [3:46] different areas. In fact, can look in a [3:49] very non-biased way, not make any [3:51] predictions about which brain areas are [3:52] going to be involved. [3:54] The experiment is the following. [3:56] The person, [3:58] we should say the research subject, [4:00] first sees images of things that reside [4:03] at different distances from one another. [4:04] So, in one case, it's a beach or a [4:07] parking lot with bowling balls set at [4:10] different distances from one another. [4:13] Their brain is imaged, and as their [4:15] brain is imaged, [4:17] they see different pictures of different [4:19] scenes, the beach, the parking lot, [4:21] etc., bowling balls spaced in different [4:24] ways, close together, far apart, [4:26] regularly spaced, non-regularly spaced. [4:29] When one does this sort of experiment, [4:30] you see a lot of brain areas activated. [4:32] Not surprisingly, the visual cortex, the [4:34] area of the brain that is responsible [4:36] for creating visual perceptions, [4:39] but also a brain area that seems [4:41] uniquely tuned to the distance between [4:45] you and the objects. We'll refer to that [4:48] measure, that dimension, as we call it [4:50] as proximity. Then, subjects listen to [4:53] tones. [4:55] Those tones also are spaced from one [4:57] another. So, it could be something as [4:59] simple as my hand uh meeting the table [5:02] top that I'm happening to be sitting in [5:04] front of, so it's [5:08] They image the brain. Of course, areas [5:10] of the brain that are associated with [5:12] auditory perception are active, not [5:14] surprisingly, [5:15] but as they evaluate different types of [5:17] sounds and patterns of sounds, for [5:19] instance, [5:24] they can start to parse brain areas that [5:26] seem uniquely tuned to the spacing of [5:29] sounds independent of what sounds are [5:32] coming in. That is, it becomes active [5:34] specifically in response to changes in [5:37] the spacing between sounds, much in the [5:39] same way as they could identify brain [5:40] regions that were only activated when [5:43] there were changes in the distance [5:44] between objects, such as the bowling [5:46] balls that I used in the previous [5:47] example. And then the subjects saw a [5:50] different set of images. The images that [5:52] they saw were of people and of faces. [5:56] And some of the images that they saw [5:57] were of people's faces right up close. [6:00] And other images were [6:02] of people at a distance where you could [6:04] see the whole body of the person. [6:06] Now, they also varied the emotional [6:08] relationship to those people. That is, [6:11] they were able to get photographs from [6:13] these research subjects' lives so they [6:15] could show them pictures of, for [6:16] instance, their sister or some random [6:19] person off the street. They could show [6:22] them pictures of [6:23] a parent or of a neighbor or of a [6:27] celebrity that's well-known or of [6:29] somebody that they didn't know at all. [6:31] So, they were able to vary both the [6:34] position of the person, close or far, [6:37] and they were able to vary the emotional [6:39] distance to the person, which is this [6:41] dimension that I'm referring to as [6:43] closeness, which is not physical [6:44] closeness, but how attached or how well [6:47] you know somebody. [6:48] Now, this is maybe sounding like a [6:50] somewhat complicated experiment, but the [6:52] takeaway from this experiment is [6:54] exquisitely simple and exquisitely [6:57] important. [6:58] The result was that in all three [7:02] conditions, [7:05] changes in the physical spacing of these [7:07] objects, changes in the [7:10] temporal, that is, the time spacing of [7:12] these sounds, and changes in the [7:14] emotional distance between the subject [7:16] and different people, the same brain [7:19] area was uniquely activated. And that [7:22] brain area, it turns out, is a brain [7:25] area called the inferior parietal [7:27] lobule. The inferior parietal lobule. [7:29] Now, you don't need to know where the [7:31] inferior parietal lobule is. In fact, [7:34] you don't even need to know the name of [7:35] this brain area. [7:36] What you do need to know, however, if [7:38] you want to understand grief and how to [7:39] move through grief, is that your map of [7:42] people [7:43] is not a map of emotional closeness per [7:47] se. [7:48] It is a map of emotional closeness what [7:50] we call attachment [7:52] that is interwoven, that is braided in [7:56] in a very intimate way with your map of [7:58] where they are in physical space [8:01] and where they are in time. When you saw [8:04] them last, when you're likely to see [8:05] them again, and if you were to want to [8:09] see them, how much time it would take to [8:11] reach them or for them to reach you. [8:14] Now, earlier I said that one of the key [8:16] functions of our nervous system is to be [8:17] able to make predictions. [8:19] And so it's somewhat obvious, but [8:22] nonetheless important to state and [8:24] restate [8:25] that one of the most powerful aspects of [8:27] our attachments to people animals, and [8:30] things [8:31] is our ability to predict what it would [8:33] take to see them again and when we are [8:35] going to see them again. Now, if all of [8:37] this sounds like a bunch of neuro psycho [8:42] babble parsing of the obvious [8:44] I'd encourage you to suspend that belief [8:46] for the moment because if you understand [8:49] that all relationships are mapped in the [8:50] brain and body through these three [8:52] dimensions, space, time, and closeness [8:55] or proximity [8:56] of space, proximity in time, and [8:59] proximity of attachment, how close or [9:03] rich or [9:04] bonded you are to someone [9:07] well, if you can understand that [9:09] then it almost becomes obvious or at [9:12] least it becomes intuitive [9:14] as to why after the loss of somebody in [9:17] particular a death or the loss of an [9:19] animal [9:20] this map has to be reordered. [9:23] Why? Because [9:24] if we are attached to someone or an [9:27] animal at a deep level [9:29] it is almost always on the basis of a [9:32] lot of what we call episodic experience, [9:34] a lot of episodic memories, memories of [9:37] things that happened. Episodic memories [9:40] are literally the conscious recollection [9:42] of your experience of somebody or an [9:45] animal or a thing. [9:47] And within that memory, [9:49] you have an understanding of what has [9:52] happened with them [9:53] in association to you, what's going on [9:56] with them, where it happened, when it [9:58] happened. When somebody is taken away [10:00] from us for whatever reason, [10:03] episodic memories persist for some [10:05] period of time and they are still linked [10:08] to our feelings of attachment. [10:10] Grief is the process of uncoupling, [10:13] unbraiding, and untangling that [10:16] relationship between where people are in [10:18] space, in time, and our attachment to [10:20] them. This is very, very hard to do and [10:23] for some people it's almost impossible [10:26] to do at least at the outset of grief. [10:28] When we have a rich catalog of [10:31] experiences with somebody or of them, [10:33] that memory bank is not just flushed out [10:36] the moment that [10:38] we learn that they're no longer with us. [10:40] What happens is the brain continues to [10:42] make these predictions that they will be [10:44] in a certain place [10:46] or a certain time, right? That they'll [10:47] be in a certain time zone or they'll [10:49] walk in the door any moment. All of [10:51] those predictions still hold. The neural [10:52] activity continues. We call this [10:54] reverberatory activity. That explains [10:56] the yearning for and the desire to [10:58] interact and yet it's just beyond our [11:00] reach because once they're gone, [11:02] our brain still functions in a way, [11:05] these neural circuits still function in [11:07] a way [11:08] that put us into an action state of [11:10] seeking them, looking for them in the [11:11] same location, expecting them to contact [11:14] us at whatever frequency that we were [11:16] used to hearing from them or that we [11:17] could reach out to them and reliably get [11:19] a response. [11:22] It is immensely disorienting, in other [11:24] words, [11:25] to maintain a close attachment [11:28] and at the same time to not be able to [11:30] make predictions about where that [11:33] person, animal, or thing is in space and [11:36] time. [11:37] So, with this current understanding in [11:39] mind, [11:40] a few things start to become obvious and [11:43] entirely normal to us in the best and [11:46] most healthy sense of the word normal. [11:48] For instance, if you've lost somebody, [11:51] or an animal, or even a thing that was [11:53] vitally important to you, it should make [11:55] perfect sense to you as to why you keep [11:57] looking for that person. Those [11:59] expectations, those [12:01] predictions that the brain is making are [12:04] entirely normal [12:06] because they are based on that deep [12:08] catalog of episodic memory that you [12:10] maintain about that person. Again, it's [12:12] simply an activation of this map that [12:15] involves closeness, space, and time. Not [12:17] surprisingly then, [12:19] the [12:20] reordering of that map that's required [12:23] in order to move through the grieving [12:24] process is going to involve some [12:28] remapping. Psychologists and [12:29] neuroscientists generally agree that the [12:31] best way to approach moving through [12:32] grief [12:34] is actually to remap these dimensions [12:37] while maintaining the close sense of [12:39] attachment to the person. [12:41] By not in any way trying to undermine [12:44] the intensity of the attachment or how [12:46] important it was to you. So, we'll now [12:48] talk about how that process works and [12:52] the different entry points, as they're [12:54] called, [12:55] to engaging in that process. These are [12:57] tools gleaned from the research [12:58] psychology, the clinical psychology, and [13:00] the neuroscience literature. The first [13:02] one [13:03] involves the acknowledgement and really [13:05] the understanding that [13:07] you don't want to disengage or dismantle [13:10] your real attachment to someone, an [13:12] animal, or a thing. That's a real thing [13:14] and there is actually no adaptive reason [13:17] to try and persuade yourself or numb [13:19] yourself, [13:21] or somehow avoid the thinking of just [13:22] how much they meant to you. [13:25] What is important, however, is that you [13:26] make some effort [13:28] to shift your mindset and your [13:30] understanding of that person [13:32] in a way that holds in mind that yes, [13:34] indeed, the attachment is very real and [13:37] in some cases is very, very intense, [13:40] but [13:41] is now going to be uncoupled from the [13:44] other two dimensions of the map, namely [13:46] space and time. So, it's a complicated [13:49] process, you can imagine, but you really [13:51] want to hold and register two things at [13:53] once. One way to do this is to set aside [13:55] a dedicated period of time of maybe five [13:59] or 10, maybe even as much as 30 minutes, [14:02] in which you are going to feel deeply [14:03] into your closeness and your attachment [14:06] to that person, animal, or thing. [14:08] But, you are consciously going to try [14:10] and [14:11] prevent yourself from thinking about [14:14] a couple of categories of things. First [14:16] of all, you want to actively try and [14:20] disengage from any attempt to engage in [14:22] what's called counterfactual thinking, [14:25] the what-ifs. What if I called them a [14:27] day earlier? What if [14:29] they had taken a different route home? [14:31] What if I had taken a different route [14:33] home? [14:34] These counterfactual modes of thinking [14:37] are an infinite landscape of [14:39] possibility, and they are very closely [14:41] tied to guilt. So, as an infinite space, [14:43] it's a very precarious one, and it will [14:46] not allow you to uncouple that intense [14:49] emotional attachment that I'm telling [14:50] you is actually vital to hold on to from [14:53] that catalog of episodic memory that [14:55] you've established. In fact, it's going [14:57] to strengthen those bonds. So, in this [15:00] dedicated five or 10 or 30, whatever [15:03] period of time you can tolerate and [15:05] maintain focus, the idea is to think [15:07] about your attachment in a rich way and [15:10] to perhaps even experience that in your [15:11] brain and body. This tool, if you will, [15:13] of dedicated blocks of time for really [15:16] spending some effort, and it is indeed [15:18] effort to access the emotional [15:20] connection while starting to uncouple [15:21] the other nodes of the map, as it were, [15:24] is something that is hard, but in terms [15:26] of the options one has in order to deal [15:29] with grief, it is indeed the most [15:31] adaptive way to go about it. Now, I'd [15:33] like to consider why two people, both [15:36] who [15:37] are intensely attached to [15:40] a person that is no longer there, [15:42] can experience the grief of the loss of [15:45] that person in such different ways. We [15:47] don't really know how other people feel. [15:49] There's no clear way of knowing that [15:52] the expression someone else has, or [15:54] whether or not they're crying or not, or [15:55] their body language, really represents [15:57] how they feel inside. So, that is [15:59] important to keep in mind. [16:01] Nonetheless, there does seem to be a [16:04] sort of a split among people, and indeed [16:07] among animals as well, even within a [16:10] species, in terms of how intensely they [16:13] feel the yearning aspect of grief. [16:16] And it appears, based on a number of [16:19] different lines of evidence, that that [16:20] relates to this molecule that some of [16:22] you have probably heard of, which is [16:23] oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone {slash} [16:27] peptide. A peptide just means a protein, [16:30] generally a small protein. [16:32] And a hormone is generally something [16:34] that functions at numerous locations in [16:36] the body to impact numerous organs and [16:38] areas of the brain. Oxytocin [16:41] has a variety of roles in the brain and [16:43] body. It's involved in milk let-down [16:45] during lactation. It's involved in pair [16:47] bonding both in males and females. It's [16:49] involved in bonding of parent to child, [16:52] and indeed between romantic partners, et [16:55] cetera, et cetera. Let's talk about some [16:57] of the animal models that inform us [16:59] about the potential roles of oxytocin in [17:01] the grieving process. [17:03] There's a species of animal called the [17:05] prairie vole, and believe it or not, the [17:07] prairie vole has been studied fairly [17:08] extensively by neuroscience and [17:11] psychology researchers. Prairie voles [17:13] are one species of animal, but depending [17:15] on where they live, you find that some [17:17] prairie voles are monogamous. That is, [17:20] they mate with the same prairie vole for [17:22] life. [17:23] They raise litters of little prairie [17:25] voles, and other prairie voles, [17:27] generally that live in different [17:29] locations in the wild, are [17:31] non-monogamous, sometimes called [17:33] polygamous. [17:35] The neurochemical and circuit basis for [17:37] this monogamy versus non-monogamy are [17:40] quite interesting. However, in the [17:42] context of grief and attachment, the [17:44] prairie voles have taught us a lot. [17:46] And they've taught us a lot through the [17:47] following experiment. [17:48] You take two prairie voles that are [17:50] coupled up, so these would be monogamous [17:52] prairie voles that have established a [17:55] coupledom. [17:57] I guess you would call that a prairie [17:58] voledom. Anyway, [18:01] put them in a cage together, they mate [18:02] together, they raise young together, [18:05] and then [18:06] you separate them. [18:08] You literally put a physical barrier [18:09] between the two of them, and you can [18:11] evaluate how strongly [18:14] one prairie vole will work to get access [18:17] to the other prairie vole. [18:18] And what you observe is that the [18:20] monogamous prairie voles will work very [18:23] hard to get back to their mate, but the [18:25] non-monogamous prairie voles will not [18:28] work as hard to access a prairie vole [18:31] partner. [18:32] This turns out to be interesting when [18:34] you start to explore the patterns of [18:37] so-called oxytocin receptors in the [18:39] brain. [18:40] To make a long story short, and to also [18:41] bridge to the human literature, [18:45] it turns out that the monogamous prairie [18:47] voles [18:48] have far more oxytocin receptors in this [18:51] brain area that I mentioned earlier, the [18:53] nucleus accumbens. And again, to remind [18:55] you, the nucleus accumbens is the brain [18:57] area associated with motivation, [18:59] craving, and pursuit. So, it's as if the [19:02] monogamous prairie voles [19:04] have a capacity to link the attachment [19:08] circuitry and the molecules of [19:10] attachment, in this case oxytocin, to [19:13] reward pathways and to motivational [19:15] pathways. So, in other words, [19:17] non-monogamous prairie voles seem to [19:20] have less yearning for attachment [19:22] overall, [19:23] at least to a single individual prairie [19:25] vole. And when we look at the human [19:27] literature in terms of oxytocin receptor [19:29] expression [19:31] and brain imaging experiments and so on, [19:34] what you find is the same. The people [19:35] that experience intense grief [19:37] and a [19:38] deep yearning and a motivation to [19:41] reconnect with the person, animal, or [19:43] thing that is lost, [19:45] in many cases, [19:47] have heightened levels of oxytocin [19:49] specifically, [19:50] or I should say oxytocin receptors, to [19:52] be exact, specifically within the brain [19:54] regions associated with craving and [19:57] pursuit. So, for those of you that find [19:59] yourself in this kind of stuck mode, [20:02] this [20:03] persistence of trying to reach into the [20:05] past or [20:07] wishful thinking, this um counterfactual [20:09] thinking, the yearning, the desire, and [20:11] the impulsivity, [20:13] the kind of leaning in and at a almost [20:16] reflexive [20:17] way to try and access that person again, [20:19] to text them, to want to hear from them, [20:22] could, and I have to highlight could, [20:24] reflect the fact that you just so happen [20:26] to have more oxytocin receptors or maybe [20:28] more oxytocin overall [20:30] in this brain area that's associated [20:32] with motivation and pursuit. [20:34] It does not necessarily mean that you [20:36] are more capable of attachment than [20:38] people who move through grief more [20:40] quickly. And I should say that [20:43] people move through grief at different [20:44] rates, even if two people lost the same [20:47] person or same animal, people move [20:49] through this at different rates, and [20:50] some of that is no doubt psychological, [20:53] but some of it no doubt is also [20:56] neurochemical and biological. I'd like [20:58] to take a moment and explore this idea [21:01] that allowing ourselves to really feel [21:03] the attachment to somebody can [21:05] accelerate or at least support adaptive [21:08] transitioning through grief. [21:10] There's a really wonderful study that on [21:13] the face of it appears to be a what we [21:15] call negative result. A negative result [21:17] is when a hypothesis is posed and then [21:20] turns out the hypothesis is not true. [21:22] But as is the case with so many [21:24] interesting scientific findings, often [21:26] when there's a negative result, there's [21:28] a more interesting result nested in that [21:30] negative outcome. And this is the case [21:32] in a particular paper I'll share with [21:34] you now. This is a paper published in [21:35] the journal Biological Psychology and [21:38] again the title is posed as a question, [21:40] which is emotional disclosure for whom? [21:43] A study of vagal tone in bereavement. [21:45] What this study explored was [21:47] whether or not written disclosure of the [21:50] emotional connection to somebody that [21:52] was lost would be effective as a way for [21:55] people to [21:56] move through the grieving process. [22:00] The study also explored the so-called [22:01] vagus nerve. The vagus nerve is an [22:03] extensive nerve pathway that is [22:05] bidirectional between brain and body. So [22:07] brain to body and body to brain. The way [22:09] to think about it in terms of what we're [22:11] going to talk about now [22:13] is heart rate and heart rate [22:14] variability. The vagus nerve is [22:17] generally associated with [22:18] parasympathetic functions and has the [22:21] capacity to slow down our heart rate, in [22:24] particular by exhales and just simply [22:27] because of the movement of the diaphragm [22:28] and its relationship to the heart and [22:30] the thoracic cavity, exhales result in [22:33] slowing down of the heart rate. This is [22:36] what we call an increased vagal tone. [22:39] Now, in this study what they did is they [22:41] had people [22:43] and I should say it was 35 participants [22:45] go through a writing exercise for a [22:47] period of weeks. And there were two [22:49] different groups. One group was in the [22:52] so-called written disclosure group. What [22:53] they did is they on day one, they would [22:56] write about what happened when a loved [22:59] one died. And indeed they used people [23:01] who had experienced real loss. And so, [23:04] they were asked to talk about and write [23:06] about their deepest emotions and [23:08] thoughts about it, memories of their [23:10] loved one, very intense stuff if you [23:11] think about it, if they're in the [23:13] immediate period of having lost someone. [23:15] Then they actually were asked to write a [23:16] letter to the person that they lost. The [23:18] other group was a so-called control [23:20] group where they were simply told to [23:21] write about how they use their time. So, [23:23] an emotionally kind of empty writing [23:25] exercise, if you will. They described [23:27] what they would do today after they woke [23:28] up, etc. No no heavy emotional content [23:31] and so on. What I didn't tell you thus [23:32] far is why they had them do this [23:34] exercise at all. They had them do this [23:36] exercise because many of the effective [23:38] practices for moving through grief [23:40] involve, as I mentioned earlier, getting [23:43] close to and actually deliberately [23:46] experiencing the attachment that one has [23:49] to that person that was lost, not [23:50] distracting oneself, not getting into [23:52] this counterfactual thinking, the what [23:54] if what if what if, but rather thinking [23:57] about or in this case writing about the [23:58] real attachment. And so, the the initial [24:01] idea was if people write about this [24:03] attachment that they're going to [24:04] experience this attachment and that will [24:06] serve them in some or many ways in terms [24:08] of moving through grief. And that wasn't [24:11] what they found. They found no [24:12] difference between the two groups until [24:14] they explored who had higher vagal tone. [24:18] Who had a greater degree of so-called [24:21] respiratory sinus arrhythmia. In other [24:23] words, who was able to modulate their [24:25] state using their breathing and their [24:28] body. And what they discovered was that [24:31] a subset of individuals who had a high [24:33] degree of vagal tone [24:34] seemed to get more benefit from this [24:37] writing type exercise. Now, this is one [24:39] study and I would consider it fairly [24:41] preliminary with 35 subjects, although, [24:45] you know, it's a study unto itself and I [24:46] think a quite nice one. [24:48] And it really set the stage for a number [24:50] of other studies that followed from this [24:52] group and other groups that really point [24:54] to the fact that yes, indeed, accessing [24:56] these states of emotionality by writing [24:59] or thinking about somebody is quite [25:01] powerful in terms of engaging [25:03] the bodily states and the mind states [25:05] associated with the attachment, and that [25:07] is very beneficial for moving through [25:09] grief. [25:10] That is very beneficial for sensing the [25:12] attachment. [25:14] And now it makes perfect sense as to why [25:16] some people would benefit from that sort [25:18] of practice more than others, because [25:19] some people are able to access more real [25:22] somatic feelings of attachment by [25:25] writing about the attachment or by [25:26] thinking about it than others. Because [25:28] again, what this paper really points to [25:30] and set off a number of other [25:31] investigations related to is that for [25:34] those that can really feel the [25:36] relationship between breathing, heart [25:38] rate, what we call vagal tone, [25:40] well, those people are going to be in a [25:43] better position to move through grief, [25:44] not because they are disengaging from [25:47] the feelings of attachment, but because [25:49] they are better able to access those [25:51] feelings of attachment. So, what this [25:53] relates to, of course, is that [25:55] tripartite map, that three-part map that [25:57] we talked about earlier. [25:59] That representation of space, where [26:01] things are, where the person is, where [26:03] their belongings are, where their car [26:04] is, where their bicycle is. [26:06] Time, when you were expecting to see [26:08] them on a regular basis, when they would [26:10] call, when they would come home from [26:12] work, etc. And that third node or that [26:16] third dimension of attachment, which is [26:17] literally attachment and closeness. Now, [26:20] I'd like to take a moment and consider [26:21] some of the tools that you can access [26:24] that support healthy transitioning [26:25] through grief. And these are tools [26:27] distinct from that neural map, that [26:29] space-time-closeness-attachment [26:31] map that we're talking about before. [26:33] Rather, it's important to remind [26:35] ourselves that [26:37] everything exists in a context of our [26:39] baseline physiology. And I'm certainly [26:42] not going to be the first or the last to [26:44] tell you that everything in life, [26:46] learning, relationships with people that [26:48] are still around, [26:51] our health in every way, immune system, [26:52] etc., function far better when we're [26:54] sleeping really well and when we are [26:57] generally awake during the daytime and [26:59] asleep at night. There's a particular [27:01] feature to our diurnal, and diurnal [27:04] meaning the opposite of nocturnal, our [27:05] diurnal pattern of the release of a [27:09] hormone called cortisol. It's linked to [27:11] our increase in temperature rhythms and [27:13] can further increase our temperature, [27:16] which leads to waking and so on. [27:18] The typical pattern of cortisol in a [27:20] healthy individual, and we really can [27:22] say physically and emotionally healthy [27:24] individual, is that cortisol is going to [27:27] be somewhat high right around waking and [27:30] then is going to be highest [27:32] as it ever will be in the 24-hour period [27:34] about 45 minutes post waking. Not [27:37] exactly 45 minutes, but about 45 [27:39] minutes. [27:40] And then it will drop gradually such [27:43] that by about 4:00 p.m. in the [27:44] afternoon, which is actually when body [27:46] temperature tends to start to drop as [27:48] well, [27:49] cortisol tends to be very low and then [27:51] remains low in a healthy individual such [27:54] that at 9:00 p.m. it's very low and [27:57] throughout the night as we sleep it's [27:58] very low. There's a very interesting [28:00] paper exploring the relationship between [28:03] cortisol rhythms and grieving, in [28:06] particular complicated versus [28:08] non-complicated grieving. Again, [28:09] complicated grieving being the form of [28:10] grieving that reflects a [28:13] immense challenge of people moving [28:14] through the grieving process such that [28:16] it really needs to be dealt with, right? [28:19] Again, grieving is healthy, but [28:20] complicated grieving is a prolonged [28:22] grieving and has other dimensions as [28:24] well, hence the name complicated. The [28:25] title of this paper is diurnal cortisol [28:28] in complicated and non-complicated [28:30] grief, slope differences across the day. [28:33] And the figure to orient to in this [28:36] paper, if you do decide to check it out, [28:38] is [28:39] figure one, which beautifully shows, or [28:41] I should say very clearly shows that [28:44] when you compare the cortisol levels [28:46] between people experiencing complicated [28:49] grieving versus non-complicated [28:50] grieving, what you find is the 4:00 p.m. [28:53] and 9:00 p.m. cortisol levels are [28:55] significantly higher than they are in [28:58] the non-complicated grieving group. [29:00] This raises a very interesting idea. We [29:03] arrive at a scenario where it makes very [29:06] good sense to think about modulating, [29:09] that is controlling the foundation of [29:11] your life in a way that establishes [29:13] cortisol rhythms and sleep patterns and [29:16] patterns of autonomic arousal and [29:18] catecholamine release that position you [29:20] to navigate the grief process in the [29:23] best possible way. If you are somebody [29:25] who is heading into grief or is [29:28] challenged with grief, getting adequate [29:29] sleep at night [29:31] and establishing as normal a pattern of [29:35] cortisol as possible is going to be very [29:37] important. And there's a very simple, [29:39] straightforward way to do this, and I [29:40] apologize to the listeners of this [29:42] podcast in advance if I sound like a [29:43] repeating record, but the most powerful [29:46] way to do this is to view sunlight [29:50] very close to waking. It does not have [29:51] to be right at sunrise, but [29:53] when you get up in the morning, if the [29:55] sun isn't out, [29:56] please turn on as many bright lights [29:59] as possible in your environment. Why do [30:01] I say this thing about sunlight over and [30:03] over and over again? Well, having an [30:04] early day cortisol peak and a very low [30:07] cortisol level late in the day, 4:00 [30:10] p.m. and 9:00 p.m., is immensely [30:12] beneficial. [30:13] It's reflects a properly regulated [30:16] autonomic nervous system. It means being [30:17] alert during the day and your ability to [30:19] sleep at night is quite tightly [30:21] correlated to this viewing of sunlight [30:22] in the morning. [30:23] If you're have additional questions [30:25] about this or these protocols, [30:27] please see our mastering sleep episode [30:29] also at hubermanlab.com. So, what are [30:31] the tools that we can think about using [30:33] in terms of healthy adaptive moving [30:35] through grief, trying to avoid [30:37] complicated grief and prolonged [30:40] grief disorders. Clearly, it's a value [30:43] to dedicate some period of time, perhaps [30:45] every day, perhaps every other day, [30:47] depending on your capacity and schedule. [30:51] These could be periods of time ranging [30:52] anywhere from 5 to 45 minutes, maybe [30:54] longer. These blocks of time would be [30:58] appropriately described as [31:00] rational grieving. Rational grieving is [31:03] a clear acceptance of the new reality [31:05] that the person, animal, or thing no [31:07] longer exists in the same space-time [31:09] dimensionality that we knew them before, [31:11] and yet holding on to an anchoring to [31:14] the attachment that we had. [31:15] This is really anchoring to the depth [31:17] and the intensity of the attachment that [31:19] existed as a way to [31:22] for lack of a better way to put it, push [31:24] off from those episodic memories, to [31:26] distance ourselves from them because [31:28] those episodic memories are the ones [31:30] that lead us to look for the person in [31:32] our current reality. And assuming this [31:35] is a real and complete loss, [31:37] those sorts of expectations are [31:39] maladaptive, and they do not serve us [31:41] well. [31:42] The second aspect of this is to [31:44] understand [31:45] that the node of the map, the component [31:48] of the neural map that you're anchoring [31:49] to, is a very real component of you. [31:52] These are literally cells that represent [31:53] the depth of attachment. We talked a [31:55] moment ago about the importance of [31:57] accessing quality sleep on a regular [31:59] basis. There again, a rich array of [32:01] tools to do that in the mastering sleep [32:03] episode, and again, highlighting the [32:05] importance of sleep for not just emotion [32:08] regulation and autonomic control, which [32:11] is so vital, but also for making sure [32:12] that neuroplasticity takes place because [32:14] again, neuroplasticity is a two-part [32:16] process. There's the triggering of the [32:17] plasticity, which [32:19] in the case of the things we're talking [32:20] about today, will be naturally activated [32:22] by the practice of a dedicated focusing [32:25] on the attachment, feeling the [32:26] attachment to the person, maybe even [32:28] writing about the attachment to the [32:29] person as was described in that previous [32:31] study. But also just [32:33] the plasticity is triggered by the mere [32:36] loss of that person, the intensity of [32:38] that experience, but neuroplasticity, [32:40] the literal re-wiring of connections, [32:42] occurs during deep sleep and in what I [32:45] call non-sleep deep rest or NSDR. And [32:47] you can find NSDR scripts, these are [32:49] short behavioral protocols that you do [32:51] for 10 to 30 minutes at some point [32:53] throughout the day, maybe even multiple [32:54] times through day, that have been shown [32:56] to accelerate neuroplasticity. So, [32:58] having a such a practice can be very [33:00] useful. And understand that it involves [33:02] some cognitive work. We have to hold on [33:04] to the attachment and imagine and feel [33:06] as much as we can the attachment, while [33:08] also being extremely rationally grounded [33:12] and trying to not try to hold on to the [33:15] past. [33:16] Trying to not anticipate the person [33:18] walking in the room. This is very hard [33:20] because when we think about the [33:22] attachment, the attachment tends to drag [33:23] with it [33:25] those episodic memories, that rich [33:27] catalog of experiences. And we talked [33:29] about preparing ourselves for grief. We [33:32] can prepare ourselves to grieve more [33:34] adaptively by regulating the level of [33:37] catecholamines, in particular [33:38] epinephrine. And tools such as the one [33:41] found in our mastering stress episode [33:43] and tools of the sort that we talked [33:44] about today, [33:46] increasing that vagal tone by [33:49] actively building up the relationship [33:50] between exhales and slowing down of the [33:53] heart rate, so-called respiratory sinus [33:55] arrhythmia. Those things can be very [33:56] useful tools. And of course, [33:58] I want to restate again, it is often [34:00] important to access a trained [34:02] professional psychologist or [34:03] psychiatrist or both or bereavement [34:05] group or all of the above in order to [34:09] get the proper support for grieving. I [34:11] like to think that the tools that we've [34:12] talked about today would be not only [34:14] compatible, [34:15] but would be complementary to the sorts [34:17] of approaches that they take. And I [34:19] would encourage you to not lean away [34:22] from, but rather to lean into the [34:24] building of those episodic memories, to [34:26] build up a richer and richer [34:28] set of experiences and emotional [34:30] attachments, because while the process [34:32] of grieving [34:33] is in direct relation to how close we [34:35] are attached to people, there are ways [34:37] to move through it. And of course, it is [34:39] the depth of our attachments and the [34:41] number and the depth of meaning of [34:43] experiences that we share with others [34:44] and with animals that makes life so rich [34:47] and worth living. So, I just want to [34:49] take a moment and say thank you for [34:51] being willing to explore this rather [34:53] complicated and sometimes extremely [34:56] challenging thing that we call grief [34:58] from the perspective or through the lens [35:00] of neuroscience and psychology. And last [35:02] but certainly not least, thank you for [35:04] your interest in science. [35:07] >> [music]