## Detailed walkthrough
### [00:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHTKoNtY0LE&t=0s) Defining Poverty: Beyond Lack of Money to Structural Deprivation
The conversation opens with a sobering reflection on the scale of hardship in modern China. In 2015, data indicated that over 50 million people were still living below the poverty line. Dou Wentao invokes Buddhist cosmology, remarking that the six realms of reincarnation—ranging from the heavenly beings of heaven down to the torments of hell—seem to exist simultaneously within modern society. While some residents in major tier-one metropolises like Beijing and Shanghai enjoy luxurious lives akin to deities, there are still rural or marginalized individuals who eat poorly year-round, tasting rice only on rare occasions.
The discussion quickly turns to what makes poverty genuinely terrifying. The panel observes that genuine destitution is not simply an acute shortage of cash; its real horror lies in structural deprivation. In sociological terms, poverty traps an individual by systematically shutting off channels of opportunity and preventing personal potential from ever being realized. When generations of a family are kept in deprivation through systemic unfairness, structural barriers—not mere liquidity deficits—are what truly demand social empathy and reform.
> “Is being poor just about the terrifying lack of money? It's about when, structurally speaking—for us in sociology—poverty goes beyond just a lack of money; it restricts your opportunities and prevents your abilities from being realized; that is what is truly terrifying.”
---
[01:10](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHTKoNtY0LE&t=70s) Monetization of Life, Well-being, and the Red Alert in Beijing
Leung Man-tao broadens the analytical scope by noting that poverty cannot be measured exclusively through raw numbers. In various societies, people whose income falls below the official United Nations poverty threshold do not necessarily endure the intense misery witnessed in other parts of the world. This disparity highlights a modern dilemma: society increasingly treats money as the sole vehicle for resolving problems. Crucial components of a good life—interpersonal warmth, human dignity, robust health, strong family ties, and vibrant neighborhood connections—used to exist independently of cash.
The speakers agree that contemporary definitions of development must move beyond raw economic metrics to incorporate quality-of-life considerations, such as the happiness index. They point out the irony of modern metropolitan life: while urbanites earn higher nominal wages, they often live in degraded environments. For instance, on the very day of filming in Beijing, the city was under a pollution "red alert." To secure clean air indoors, an urban family must invest heavily in expensive air purifiers, whereas people living in lower-income rural regions often enjoy fresh air and pristine environments without spending a single cent.
> “In the past, when we talked about development—like China’s past reform and opening up—we focused heavily on economic indicators. But now more and more people are realizing that is not necessarily the case.”
---
[03:10](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHTKoNtY0LE&t=190s) The Reality of Young Hustlers: Earning Faster Than Parents Age
A nuanced debate emerges over whether intellectual detachment from money is an elitist privilege. While recognizing that the most precious things in life cannot be bought with money, one speaker notes that adopting a middle ground can feel like an unattainable luxury to struggling youth. While public figures like Gao Xiaosong romanticize existence by singing that "life is not just the drudgery before us; there is also poetry and distant fields," surveys among young people reveal a much harsher reality:
> “Just staying alive has already exhausted all my strength.”
For students from impoverished families, financial constraints taint every educational decision. When universities offer exchange programs to countries like Germany or the United States, disadvantaged students do not even dare apply because they cannot shoulder overseas living expenses. Instead of traveling abroad, students in places like Hong Kong often work five tutoring jobs a day just to pay tuition and send remittances back to their parents.
Ma Ka-fai shares the striking story of an art school student known among his peers as a "god of wealth." Driven by the exhausting sacrifices his parents made to put him through school, the student declared:
> “From the first day of college, I decided my speed of earning money had to catch up with and surpass the speed of my parents aging.”
Treating his coursework merely as a side gig, the student aggressively launched commercial off-campus training classes, hiring his own university professors as lecturers. By his first year, he bought his parents a car; in his second year, he bought one for himself; and by his junior year, he had moved into a luxury high-rise apartment. Reflecting on this drive, the speakers argue that rather than asking how to make money when broke—which ultimately comes down to individual grit, sacrifice, and luck—the more important ethical question is what someone chooses to do once they finally achieve wealth.
---
[06:48](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHTKoNtY0LE&t=408s) The Wealthy Professor's Beetle and the Institutional Roadblocks of Philanthropy
```mermaid
flowchart TD
accTitle: The Institutional Dilemma of Wealth and Philanthropy
accDescr: A flow diagram showing how personal wealth faces hurdles when transitioning into charitable foundations in China.
subgraph PrivateAction["Personal Wealth and Morality"]
A["Accumulate Wealth"] --> B{"Ethical Choice"}
B -->|"Consumption"| C["Mansions, Wine & Conspicuous Luxury"]
B -->|"Civic Duty"| D["Fund Community & Youth Scholarships"]
end
subgraph InstitutionalHurdles["Systemic Bottlenecks in China"]
D --> E["Civil Affairs Department Approvals"]
E --> F["Bureaucratic Red Tape & Alignment with Official Charities"]
F --> G["Public Skepticism & Scandals (e.g., Guo Meimei)"]
G --> H["Disillusionment: Donors Opt Out"]
end
```
The discussion contrasts Eastern and Western attitudes toward wealth and consumption. Speakers recall their shock upon arriving in the United States, witnessing everyday American habits of perceived wastefulness—such as running electric clothes dryers rather than hanging laundry outside, or buying single-serving cartons of milk and small sodas instead of bulk containers. Yet alongside this consumerism was a distinct tradition of civic philanthropy. Professor Ding Xueliang fondly remembers a prominent, wealthy American professor who led an unassuming lifestyle, driving a modest 1958 Volkswagen Beetle that he had kept since the late 1950s. Rather than indulging in luxury, the professor quietly channeled substantial personal funds into paying college tuition for the poorest children in his local neighborhood.
This anecdote sparks an inquiry into why a comparable culture of private philanthropy struggles to take root in China, where the newly affluent often squander their fortunes because they lack the civic imagination to spend money meaningfully.
> “Being poor is pathetic, but if you have a lot of money and don't know how to use it, I think that's even more pathetic.”
The panel analyzes why wealthy Chinese individuals frequently abandon philanthropic ambitions. In China, establishing an independent charitable foundation requires navigating an arduous administrative labyrinth:
- Navigating cumbersome approval procedures through civil affairs departments.
- Attaching charitable accounts directly to state-backed entities like the Red Cross Society of China.
- Surviving exhaustive scrutiny and bureaucratic inertia, only to face widespread public distrust bred by controversies such as the Guo Meimei scandal.
Confronted with these institutional hurdles, prospective donors ultimately conclude that the paperwork and reputational risks are simply not worth the hassle. Dou Wentao wraps up this reflection by acknowledging his own materialist mindset, noting with self-deprecating humor that he wishes he had the luxury of suffering from the dilemma of having too much money and not knowing how to spend it.
- 李玫瑾强调教育的时机不可逆转：“Since the foundation wasn't laid earlier, getting anxious now is simply the wrong timing.”
- 幼年期缺乏针对负面情绪与不顺心境遇的日常脱敏，是导致孩子在升学阶段心理脆弱的根源。
> “In the grand scheme of an adult's world, it's nothing, so I think there’s a cognitive dissonance—adults think, 'You're making a scene over this?' but to the child, that is their entire world.”
[27:29](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHTKoNtY0LE&t=1649s) Childhood Discipline and the Absence of Trauma
The conversation opens with a vivid recollection of old-school parental discipline. One of the speakers describes being lashed with a feather duster, leaving his backside so sore that he could not sit on a chair for an entire week. Yet, despite the severity of the physical punishment, he emphasizes that he harbors absolutely no hatred toward his parents. He attributes this lack of resentment to the culture of that era, noting that parents back then were constantly present, even following their children to work. Furthermore, as he grew older, his parents relaxed their grip entirely, never meddling in his dating life, marriage, or personal choices.
He shares a poignant childhood memory of his mother slapping him in front of an auntie. This auntie, who had only daughters and deeply loved him because he was a boy, held him and wept. He reflects that if the auntie hadn't cried, he wouldn't even remember the slap today. He does not view the incident as trauma, explaining his mindset at the time: “Because she wouldn’t hit me for no reason.” While his father had a reputation for having a "strict hand," he actually never laid a finger on him; it was his mother who handled the physical discipline. He humorously recalls a time when they lived in a bungalow and his mother chased him halfway down the street, drawing out curious neighbors, only to not hit him at all once they finally got back inside.
[29:30](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHTKoNtY0LE&t=1770s) Cultural Differences, Reverence, and "Loud Thunder, Small Raindrops"
The speakers contrast these traditional experiences with modern Western attitudes, particularly in the United States, where corporal punishment is legally prohibited and children are encouraged to call the police. In that framework, many adults attribute their personal dysfunctions to childhood parental abuse. However, the speakers argue that culture serves as a powerful barrier that shapes how discipline is perceived. The host recalls hosting a CCTV show called "Flow" about 15 to 20 years ago, where he asked a group of middle schoolers if they had ever been hit by their parents. While many raised their hands, almost none admitted to hating their parents, illustrating that the discipline was ultimately understood as an expression of familial love.
The discussion delves into how healthy personal values are formed, emphasizing that respect must be built on a foundation of awe and fear. As one speaker explains, “One must be afraid first in order to have respect. If they are not afraid, they will not have respect.” To cultivate this necessary boundary without causing harm, the speakers advocate for a disciplinary strategy of making the "thunder loud and the raindrops small"—creating a highly intimidating atmosphere but delivering a very light final punishment so the child genuinely regrets their actions without being injured. This concept is illustrated by an anecdote of an office director whose grandmother kept a bamboo stick behind the door; the mere act of her retrieving the stick would make him drop to his knees, crying and promising never to misbehave again.
```mermaid
flowchart TD
accTitle: Parental Communication Value by Age
accDescr: A flowchart showing how the value of a parent's words changes from gold to trash as a child grows, and the recommended communication strategy for each phase.
A["Child's Age"] --> B["Before Age 6"]
A --> C["After Age 12 (Adolescence)"]
subgraph Early["Early Childhood"]
B --> B1["Words are like 'Gold'"]
B1 --> B2["Parental guidance & nagging are highly effective"]
end
subgraph Teen["Teenage Years"]
C --> C1["Words are like 'Trash'"]
C1 --> C2["Teenagers view advice as outdated & repetitive"]
C2 --> C3["Recommended Strategy: Speak less, say 3-5 sentences, and walk away"]
end
```
[32:22](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHTKoNtY0LE&t=1942s) The Art of Discipline and the Nezha Ultimatum
The speakers agree that physical discipline cannot be mindless. One speaker recalls how his father would build up intense psychological tension, using his fingers to target specific pressure points. The "thunder" was quiet but highly intense, yet it did not actually hurt very much. He notes that “disciplining a child requires limits and technique,” suggesting that creative psychological boundaries are often far more effective than physical force.
To illustrate this, he shares a story of how his mother cured him of his childhood habit of trying to run away from home. When he threatened to run away at age 12, his mother did not beat him. Instead, she calmly told him, "Those clothes are ours, take them off, leave them here. Those pants are ours, take them off, leave them here. Even your skin belongs to this family, leave it." Stripped of his options, the young boy couldn't even bring himself to step past the apartment complex. He ended up hiding by the front door and never dared to threaten running away again. A guest jokingly compares this extreme rebellious standoff to the mythological figure Nezha, who famously returned his flesh to his mother and his bones to his father.
[33:38](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHTKoNtY0LE&t=2018s) Parenting Teenagers: From Gold to Trash
As children transition into adolescence, the dynamics of parenting must shift dramatically. The speakers strongly advise parents to speak less once their children reach puberty. One speaker shares a core lesson from her parenting lectures: “Before the age of six, a parent's nagging and words are like gold. After 12, a parent's words are like trash.” At this stage, teenagers naturally believe they are grown up, claim they already know everything their parents are going to say, and dismiss parental advice as outdated and repetitive.
When conflicts arise, parents are urged to stop lecturing and avoid calling their children stupid, which only deepens their resentment. Instead, the recommended approach is to ask what happened, offer a brief perspective—such as "If it were me, this is what I would do"—and then immediately walk away after three to five sentences. This patient approach gives teenagers the space to internalize the advice on their own terms, without the pressure of having to admit defeat or back down in front of their parents.
```mermaid
flowchart TD
accTitle: 青春期叛逆冲突应对策略
accDescr: 面对青春期孩子的冲动与叛逆，父母应采取先共情接纳、再延时引导的沟通逻辑，防止孩子关上心门。
subgraph S1["第一阶段：共情与同盟"]
A["孩子产生叛逆/早恋苗头"] --> B["父母克制说教冲动"]
B --> C["无条件站在孩子阵营<br/>表达理解与幽默共情"]
end
subgraph S2["第二阶段：延时引导与定向"]
C --> D["保持沟通渠道畅通无阻"]
D --> E["缓和数日后<br/>以过来人身份探讨利弊"]
E --> F["引导长远人生规划与理性抉择"]
end
```
[01:00:28](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHTKoNtY0LE&t=3628s) The Fallacy of Control and the "Parents Are a Disaster" Phenomenon
The discussion opens with an indictment of two flawed parenting archetypes: the parent who spoils a child without boundaries, and the parent who fails to model good behavior yet incessantly lectures and moralizes. The panel observes that children subjected to hypocritical scolding inevitably grow rebellious because all these behavioral problems ultimately trace back to the parents. This prompts a reflection on an online community from a few years back named "Parents are a Disaster" (a reference to the infamous forum group that was eventually hidden and blocked).
The group gained traction because many parents reduce child-rearing purely to financial provision, operating under the mindset of: "I earned the money to raise you, I gave you everything you spend, so whenever you disobey, I have the right to lecture you." Children naturally push back against this transactional authority, questioning why having money should entitle a parent to dictate their entire life trajectory. The speaker emphasizes that parents need to cultivate self-awareness rather than blindly assuming their intentions are noble: “Parents must first realize this: before you interfere in a child's life choices, you should have an alarm bell in your heart, asking, 'Am I being a disaster?'” Only by entertaining the possibility that their interference might be destructive can parents act with genuine restraint.
- Parental hypocrisy and overindulgence directly fuel adolescent rebellion.
- The banned online community "Parents are a Disaster" highlighted the trauma of children whose parents weaponize financial support to micro-manage their lives.
- Parents must proactively evaluate whether their behavior constitutes a disaster before intervening in their children's decisions.
---
[01:01:44](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHTKoNtY0LE&t=3704s) Mindful Parenting: Letter-Writing, Puppy Love, and Emotional Control
Sharing personal parenting practices, the speaker (Teacher Li) explains how she deliberately avoided confrontation when her daughter was in middle school. Instead of cornering her at home for heavy, formal sit-downs, she reserved important discussions for casual walks or trips to the supermarket. When sensitive situations arose—such as discovering her daughter was dating or spending time with a boy, raising safety concerns—she completely refrained from nagging or scolding. Instead, she sat down and wrote her daughter a heartfelt letter.
```mermaid
flowchart TD
accTitle: Mindful Adolescent Communication Strategy
accDescr: Three-step empathetic approach to handling adolescent dating without confrontation.
subgraph S1["1. Affirmation"]
A["Praise child's loveliness"]
end
subgraph S2["2. Perspective on Love"]
B["Discuss commitment & stability"]
C["Test affection over time"]
end
subgraph S3["3. Gentle Resolution"]
D["Receptivity & mutual warmth"]
end
A --> B
B --> C
C --> D
```
In the letter, she opened with praise rather than judgment, reassuring her daughter that having an admirer simply proves how lovable she is: “The fact that someone loves you shows that my daughter is lovely.” From there, she gently explained what genuine love entails—questioning whether someone is capable of providing lifelong support and emphasizing that genuine love requires patience and time. She suggested that if a suitor is still waiting after three years, his feelings are far more likely to be lasting. The daughter received the letter warmly, sending back a reply addressed "To my lovely mom." The panel contrasts this delicate, humorous approach with the blundering interrogation favored by many parents, who immediately demand to know what the other child's parents do for a living. Ultimately, maintaining lightheartedness, humor, and emotional stability is paramount, with the speaker concluding: “If you lose control with your child, you've already lost.”
> [33:38](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHTKoNtY0LE&t=2018s) Before the age of six, a parent's nagging and words are like gold. After 12, a parent's words are like trash.
> [01:01:44](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHTKoNtY0LE&t=3704s) If you lose control with your child, you've already lost. — 李玫瑾
> [29:30](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHTKoNtY0LE&t=1770s) One must be afraid first in order to have respect. If they are not afraid, they will not have respect.
[43:12] 李玫瑾: 孩子所有的行为表现，基本上就是他父母的一个水平的投射。
[48:01] 李玫瑾: 你最辛苦的时候，就是你在积累资本的时候。资本是钱生钱，什么意思？就是你后面要想教育他，他能听你的、服你的管，是因为你有这个资本在。
[54:55] 李玫瑾: 在这个时候，事情已经根本说不清了，所以千万不要试图去争输赢；如果你非要争赢，就必然是在火上浇油。
[58:44] 李玫瑾: 真正的教育不在于说多少话，而在于父母内心的良善与行事的尺度；父母有底线，孩子自然差不到哪里去。
[51:48] 父母是你唯一能指望理解你的人，如果他们也站在外人的立场来批评你，对孩子来说是巨大的羞辱。
[33:38] Before the age of six, a parent's nagging and words are like gold. After 12, a parent's words are like trash.
[61:44] 李玫瑾: If you lose control with your child, you've already lost.
[29:30] One must be afraid first in order to have respect. If they are not afraid, they will not have respect.
Original transcript
[0:00] In 2015, the population living below
[0:02] the poverty line in China, based on the
[0:04] figures I saw, was still over 50
[0:06] million.
[0:07] >> That means those 50-plus million people
[0:09] ...for example, my own childhood
[0:11] memories of poverty. I often talk about
[0:13] why I say the six realms of
[0:15] reincarnation in Buddhism, from heaven
[0:17] to hell, all exist in today's world.
[0:20] >> In Beijing and Shanghai, some people
[0:22] live lives like heavenly beings, right?
[0:24] But in reality, there are people even
[0:26] today who only eat three times a year,
[0:28] or maybe just eat rice once in a long
[0:30] while. Do you think that doesn't exist
[0:32] in China today?
[0:33] >> What is more terrifying than being poor
[0:35] ?
[0:36] >> Is being poor just about the terrifying
[0:38] lack of money? It's about when,
[0:40] structurally speaking—for us in
[0:42] sociology—poverty goes beyond just a
[0:44] lack of money; it restricts your
[0:46] opportunities and prevents your
[0:48] abilities
[0:50] >> from being realized; that is what is
[0:52] truly terrifying. Because everyone,
[0:56] even your family, may have been poor
[0:58] for a long time, but if there is a
[1:00] structural limitation that treats you
[1:01] unfairly, that is what really needs to
[1:03] be cared about and improved.
[1:10] >> Sometimes we cannot just look at
[1:12] numbers to determine poverty, because
[1:14] nowadays we find that in some societies
[1:16] or regions, you might think their
[1:18] income is below the UN-defined
[1:20] threshold and they are impoverished,
[1:22] but you find that in their lives
[1:27] >> there doesn't seem to be as much misery
[1:29] as in other countries. Why is that?
[1:31] This involves a question. What is that
[1:34] question?
[1:35] >> It's that in a society, if we feel that
[1:37] a lack of money is a big problem,
[1:39] sometimes it's because we feel that
[1:41] many things must be bought with money
[1:43] >> to be solved.
[1:44] >> To be resolved. In other words, our
[1:47] society today has a special situation
[1:49] where more problems can be solved by
[1:51] money than before, yet some things
[1:53] didn't used to require money to be
[1:55] resolved, such as relationships between
[1:58] people. For example, your dignity, your
[2:02] healthy life, your family life, your
[2:04] neighborly life—sometimes other
[2:06] elements that define a good life cannot
[2:09] be bought with money. Things that can
[2:13] be obtained even without money. OK, I
[2:15] think when we define what development
[2:17] is today, this is also what many
[2:19] scholars have been discussing in recent
[2:21] years: what exactly is development?
[2:23] >> In the past, when we talked about
[2:24] development—like China’s past
[2:26] reform and opening up—we focused
[2:28] heavily on economic indicators. But now
[2:30] more and more people are realizing that
[2:31] is not necessarily the case. Yes.
[2:33] >> For instance, our definition of
[2:35] development needs to be diversified,
[2:36] because even human dignity should be
[2:38] included. What is happiness? For
[2:40] example, in recent years, we often talk
[2:42] about the happiness index, right?
[2:44] >> You have to weigh many things
[2:45] comprehensively. You'll find that in
[2:48] some places, perhaps income is low, but
[2:51] the environment they enjoy is far
[2:53] better than Beijing's. Take Beijing,
[2:56] for instance; we have a red alert today
[2:58] while filming. What do you do when
[3:00] you're in Beijing and there's a red
[3:02] alert? You have to spend a lot of money
[3:05] on air purifiers at home, but in many
[3:07] places, this is something you don't
[3:08] even need money to attain.
[3:10] >> Sir, let me tell you, on this point, I
[3:12] belong to the middle ground between the
[3:14] two of you.
[3:15] >> Mm.
[3:17] >> Whether it's for a society, an
[3:19] individual, or a group. You cannot
[3:21] simply reduce the matter of money to a
[3:23] point of total indifference; that's
[3:25] impossible.
[3:26] >> Mm, of course.
[3:27] >> Mm.
[3:28] >> But this statement cannot be swapped
[3:29] for another.
[3:30] >> Mm.
[3:30] >> The things you value most in life can
[3:32] all be bought with money.
[3:33] >> Mm.
[3:34] >> I believe there needs to be a middle
[3:36] ground.
[3:37] >> Mm. Wait, but I think...
[3:39] >> I think the middle ground you're
[3:41] talking about is seen as a luxury by
[3:42] some people. Why do you say that? Isn't
[3:46] that what Gao Xiaosong loves to sing
[3:48] about? "Life is not just the drudgery
[3:50] before us; there is also poetry and
[3:52] distant fields." I've been looking at
[3:54] some surveys, and there are some young
[3:56] people, you know?
[3:57] >> They say something quite profound, they
[3:59] say: "Just staying alive has already
[4:01] exhausted all my strength." Mm.
[4:05] >> For me, even while I'm at school...
[4:08] >> Paying tuition, or like when there's an
[4:10] exchange program to Germany in
[4:12] university, you know?
[4:14] >> Whether or not other students sign up,
[4:16] I don't dare to speak up.
[4:17] >> Because for me, everything involves a
[4:19] cost of living.
[4:21] >> Even just picking a simple elective
[4:23] course or taking a class outside, there
[4:25] is this feeling of "I don't want to add
[4:27] to my family's burden." You know, there
[4:31] was a student at an art school, a real
[4:33] "god of wealth," and his classmates
[4:35] were in awe of him. In his first year
[4:38] of college, he bought his parents a car
[4:40] . The second year he bought himself a
[4:43] car, and the third year he bought every
[4:45] one of his classmates a car.
[4:47] >> It wasn't quite that dramatic for
[4:49] everyone else, but in his third year,
[4:51] he moved out into a high-rise,
[4:52] high-rent apartment. Later, his
[4:54] classmates asked how he got rich, and I
[4:57] have no idea. We currently think people
[4:59] only start businesses or work hard
[5:01] after graduation, but he said, "My
[5:03] parents have suffered too much, they
[5:04] worked hard to put me through school."
[5:07] He said, "From the first day of college
[5:09] , I decided my speed of earning money
[5:11] had to catch up with and surpass the
[5:13] speed of my parents aging." Of course,
[5:15] he was entirely running his own
[5:17] extracurricular training classes
[5:19] outside, pulling in his own school
[5:21] teachers to lecture; he wasn't really
[5:23] attending school, he was just making
[5:25] money from the moment he entered
[5:27] university.
[5:27] >> Entering university, he started chasing
[5:29] money.
[5:30] >> Yeah, studying was his side job, and
[5:32] money-making was his main job. I asked
[5:34] him, and what I cared more about was
[5:36] when he suffered those hardships back
[5:38] then—when I had no money, classmates
[5:40] could go to Germany as exchange
[5:41] students for a year, but I couldn't.
[5:44] I've met many students in Hong Kong who
[5:46] said that.
[5:46] >> The school encouraged them to go on
[5:48] exchange to the U.S. They said, "
[5:50] Teacher, who is going to provide my
[5:51] monthly living expenses and everything
[5:53] else in the U.S.?" If I didn't go, I
[5:55] was tutoring five jobs a day in Hong
[5:57] Kong; I had to earn money and still
[5:59] bring money home. If I went to the U.S.
[6:02] , I'd have to stop all that. What would
[6:04] I do? I just couldn't go, that's it.
[6:05] You say that young person, after
[6:07] experiencing all that, earned money.
[6:09] I'm thinking, now that you're short on
[6:11] money, what should you do? Instead of
[6:13] asking others to teach you what to do
[6:14] when you're short on money, there's no
[6:16] way to teach that. It depends on how
[6:18] much you're willing to sacrifice, your
[6:20] opportunities, and your intelligence.
[6:22] It's better for someone to remind you:
[6:23] when you one day aren't short on money,
[6:25] what should you do? Don't just earn
[6:28] money for yourself and move up, right?
[6:30] Living in a huge mansion, drinking five
[6:32] bottles of red wine a day—can you
[6:34] take some of that money to start a
[6:36] scholarship or grant to help your
[6:38] juniors? Can you help those who are as
[6:39] poor as you were, who can't afford to
[6:41] go abroad as exchange students? I feel
[6:43] I can't teach the latter part of what
[6:45] young people should do when they're
[6:46] short on money. Go rob someone, maybe.
[6:50] When we went to the United States, we
[6:52] were shocked by some of the Americans '
[6:54] ways of life at the time; they didn't
[6:56] have...well, I'm sure you all
[6:57] understand what I'm talking about.
[7:01] >> They wouldn't hang clothes outside to
[7:03] dry; they had to use a dryer and waste
[7:05] electricity.
[7:06] >> When buying milk, they'd buy it by the
[7:08] single serving.
[7:09] >> Buying soda, they wouldn't buy the big
[7:11] bottles, the large ones. We've all been
[7:13] through this. I'm talking about another
[7:15] very important detail. At the time, I
[7:18] was very moved by one of our professors
[7:21] —he has passed away now—he was very
[7:23] wealthy.
[7:24] >> Mm.
[7:25] >> And he was a...
[7:27] >> Mm.
[7:29] >> When we were studying, he drove two
[7:31] cars. In the mid-80s, the car he drove
[7:34] was a VW he bought in '58.
[7:36] >> And it was the smallest VW, what we
[7:38] called a "Beetle."
[7:39] >> That was a VW; it wasn't a fancy brand.
[7:41] >> Mm. But later we heard he took out a
[7:44] lot of money, just like you said, what
[7:46] did he do with it? He used it to help
[7:49] the poorest kids in his community at
[7:51] that time go to college.
[7:53] >> Mhm.
[7:54] >> This opens up another big topic. I hope
[7:57] you can cover this in the future—why
[7:59] in Chinese society......
[8:01] >> there are two issues intertwined. One
[8:03] is that young people feel it's a "
[8:04] dramatic plot." Mhm.
[8:06] >> On the other hand, I see another
[8:08] phenomenon in Chinese society that I
[8:09] think deserves more of our attention.
[8:11] >> Mhm.
[8:12] >> Even though some people in Chinese
[8:13] society already have a lot of money,
[8:15] >> Uh-huh. ...
[8:16] >> they don't know how to use it.
[8:17] >> Uh-huh.
[8:18] >> Mhm.
[8:20] >> Being poor is pathetic, but if you have
[8:22] a lot of money and don't know how to
[8:24] use it, I think that's even more
[8:25] pathetic. Professor Ding, there's a
[8:29] third issue: why is there no one to
[8:31] help those in need, and no system set
[8:33] up to support them?
[8:35] >> That third issue.
[8:36] >> Actually, it's quite simple. I think
[8:38] these two problems are easy to explain.
[8:40] The reason is, if you are a wealthy
[8:42] person in China today and want to start
[8:44] a foundation to help people, you first
[8:46] have to go to the civil affairs
[8:47] department.
[8:48] >> Go through a ton of paperwork.
[8:49] >> Attach your account to the Red Cross
[8:51] Society, and then go through a whole
[8:53] bunch of procedures in between.
[8:55] >> Mess around with a mountain of things.
[8:56] >> Then, after going through all those
[8:58] layers of red tape, you occasionally
[8:59] hear about incidents like the Guo
[9:01] Meimei scandal. Just think about it,
[9:02] forget it, I'd rather not.
[9:04] >> Regarding what you mentioned, Professor
[9:06] Ding, about having money but not
[9:08] knowing how to spend it, right? That
[9:10] kind of pathetic state—I wish I had
[9:12] that problem, but I can't. But what I
[9:14] want to say is something else.
[9:16] >> For instance, I dare to say that I am a
[9:18] materialist right now. Mhm.
[9:20] >> So why do you criticize children for
[9:22] being materialistic? Because I feel
[9:24] that regarding my perception of
[9:25] everything in this society—you can
[9:27] call me vulgar if you want—I have my
[9:29] own hobbies, I have my own inner world,
[9:32] but I still believe that making money
[9:34] comes first. I truly place money in a
[9:36] very important position. See, that’s
[9:39] why I want to ask you a question.
[9:42] >> We all once treated money as dirt; I
[9:44] did too.
[9:46] >> But there is always a moment
[9:48] >> that makes you feel
[9:49] >> that money...
[9:50] >> Mhm. ...
[9:50] >> is damn important.
[9:51] >> It’s not anger. Money isn't dirt,
[9:53] right? Money isn't dirt.
[9:55] >> We ourselves are the ones who are dirt.
[9:57] >> We Chinese people say that Jewish
[9:58] people are good at making money, and
[10:00] some people view money as higher than
[10:02] everything else—we all know that
[10:03] globally.
[10:04] >> Wealthy Jews are essentially Jewish
[10:06] financiers. Eventually, there was a
[10:09] time when my best friend from when I
[10:10] was studying in the U.S., who is Jewish
[10:12] ...
[10:13] >> His neighbor was Brother Jixing.
[10:15] >> Hmm.
[10:15] >> Oh, right. He said, "You Asians always
[10:19] think we Jewish people love money." He
[10:23] said he used to be ashamed of that.
[10:26] >> Hmm.
[10:27] >> Because he belongs to our generation,
[10:29] just nine years younger. Later, after
[10:32] my father said something to me, from
[10:34] then on I understood why we say that.
[10:37] Historically, in Europe—he's had
[10:39] experiences in Asia and America—but
[10:41] in Europe, whenever Jewish people faced
[10:43] persecution,
[10:46] >> no matter the reason, the only thing
[10:48] that could save a family's life was
[10:50] money.
[10:51] >> Hmm.
[10:54] >> But Jewish people don't just love money
[10:56] ; what some love is the fact that money
[10:58] can buy a family's life, so they have
[11:00] to accumulate enough of it.
[11:03] >> Because in Europe, we couldn't rely on
[11:05] anyone or any law.
[11:08] >> Hmm.
[11:08] >> What you're describing is exactly how I
[11:10] feel in China. I feel that if I don't
[11:12] have a bit more money, I can't rely on
[11:14] anyone, and many young people feel the
[11:16] same. You see, it's because in our
[11:19] society, whether public or private, you
[11:21] eventually realize that all services
[11:23] are just there to make money off you.
[11:26] Schools want your money, teachers want
[11:29] your money, exchange programs cost
[11:31] money; whatever you do, you need money.
[11:33] More importantly, and even more
[11:35] significantly, hospitals also want your
[11:37] money.
[11:37] >> Hospitals want your money. So, Wentao,
[11:39] going back to what you were saying, I'd
[11:41] like to add a third point. We
[11:45] previously discussed young people
[11:47] lacking money, and I'm saying there's a
[11:49] third issue: why is no one willing to
[11:51] help? Giving money to help involves
[11:55] being scrutinized, complex procedures,
[11:57] and all sorts of reasons. When there is
[12:01] no relatively sound public or private
[12:03] assistance system, everyone is...so,
[12:04] behind the love of money, the need for
[12:06] money, and the worship of money, is
[12:08] actually a fear of poverty, because
[12:10] once you are poor, you have nowhere to
[12:12] turn.
[12:14] >> Nowhere to turn.
[12:15] >> If you want to apply for public aid,
[12:16] the government doesn't have it, or the
[12:18] process is humiliating—getting it is
[12:20] shameful, and it's very painful to have
[12:22] to beg for money without dignity. So, "
[12:24] loving money" is a very broad statement
[12:26] . Why do they love money? Yes, I love
[12:28] money too. But the underlying
[12:30] motivation—everyone probably has
[12:31] their own story. Just like that Jewish
[12:33] friend you mentioned, or like why I
[12:35] went to the bank—it should have been
[12:37] perfectly normal to borrow 3,000 U.S.
[12:38] dollars from the bank for his history.
[12:40] I’ve never been able to forget that
[12:42] feeling of humiliation because I was in
[12:43] elementary school.
[12:44] >> Wait, sorry, around what year?
[12:46] >> 1993, when my child was born. My mother
[12:49] loved to gamble when I was a kid;
[12:51] gambling was hereditary for us, like
[12:53] alcoholism, a family trait.
[12:55] >> Your whole family?
[12:56] >> Your father cried over the closure of "
[12:58] Tiantang Renjian," and your mother
[13:00] loved to gamble. Basically, the four
[13:03] vices: gambling, drug abuse,
[13:06] prostitution, and theft.
[13:10] >> My family was like that. Since my mom
[13:14] loved to gamble, we were broke and poor
[13:16] . I remember, you know those pawnshops,
[13:20] right? Pawnshops.
[13:22] >> Yes, she took me—
[13:24] >> She held my sister’s hand with her
[13:26] left and mine with her right, taking us
[13:28] to the pawnshop to pawn a watch. When
[13:30] you go into a pawnshop, the counter is
[13:32] very high; you have to look up.
[13:33] >> The person sits very high up, looking
[13:35] down on you—partly for security
[13:37] against robbery, but also to give you
[13:39] that feeling of having no dignity.
[13:41] >> Psychological pressure, exactly.
[13:43] >> They took the watch and looked at my
[13:45] mother.
[13:46] >> Then they said, "The watch is worth 25
[13:48] yuan.""
[13:50] >> Do you want to pawn it or not?" Their
[13:53] eyes were squinting at my mother, and
[13:55] my mother was squinting back—that
[13:57] feeling of confrontation. But whether
[14:01] or not my mother squinted back is
[14:03] beside the point; the main thing is
[14:04] that I felt deeply humiliated. Why
[14:07] would you have to beg people? This was
[14:09] back in the 60s, the 60s.
[14:11] >> Late 60s, early 70s. I was about eight
[14:14] or nine. I was born in 1963.
[14:17] >> And maybe the root of it is that later
[14:18] on, I developed a weakness—
[14:20] >> I really hate asking people for favors.
[14:22] I hate it. If I ask for help and they
[14:24] don't, I think, "I'd rather just die,"
[14:26] it’s so embarrassing. If they do help
[14:28] , I feel like I owe them for a lifetime
[14:30] , a feeling that no matter how I pay it
[14:32] back, it’s never enough. So, there
[14:33] are actually different reasons behind
[14:35] why people love money. You just
[14:37] mentioned a mother’s illness; there
[14:39] are Jewish families who are happy and
[14:41] have never lacked money.
[14:42] >> But when you're poor and people won't
[14:44] lend you money—
[14:44] >> So you see, if I could, I would, but
[14:46] when I have to borrow—
[14:47] >> Why do we say we "lack money"? What is
[14:49] it that we’re really lacking? Because
[14:51] nowadays, money is dignity, money is
[14:53] love, right? Money is justice.
[14:55] >> Money is freedom.
[14:56] >> Money is freedom.
[14:57] >> Right? If we equate all of these with
[15:00] money, I don’t think you can blame
[15:02] anyone for being materialistic. It’s
[15:04] no different from God. Karl Marx said
[15:06] this. Karl Marx anticipated that in
[15:08] modern society—
[15:11] >> Everything truly human would eventually
[15:13] be exchanged for money; that is the
[15:15] judgment of Marxism.
[15:17] >> Society today is not really ours,
[15:20] >> So, regarding this matter, I want to
[15:22] say one last thing. Why do I feel that
[15:25] when you first spoke, you said you were
[15:27] single and didn't have children? Why is
[15:32] it that in several major religious
[15:33] traditions of civilization, it is said
[15:35] that if you want to achieve something
[15:37] extraordinary, you should not start a
[15:38] family or have children?
[15:42] >> Some children have asked, "Why have my
[15:43] mom and dad always belittled me since I
[15:45] was little?" Especially when it's just
[15:48] casual talk, saying things like, "Look
[15:50] how fat he is, look how dark he is,
[15:52] like a charcoal ball, saying you're as
[15:54] fat as a...pig." I have indeed heard
[15:56] that some Chinese parents like to poke
[15:58] fun at their children. You might say
[16:00] parents love their children, but what
[16:02] does this kind of language really
[16:03] express?
[16:05] >> I think this might be a generational
[16:07] issue. When I was young, this happened
[16:09] a lot, but I didn't feel it was bad.
[16:12] >> It’s just our generation; for
[16:13] instance, when we first started working
[16:16] , many bosses were extremely harsh and
[16:18] used very heavy words. Then, with the
[16:20] third generation—I shouldn't say my
[16:22] father's third generation, but my own
[16:24] child—my father would also speak very
[16:26] harshly to him. One time at home, he
[16:29] suddenly shouted, and I said he’s so
[16:31] young, you’re scaring him. My father,
[16:33] of course, said that after going
[16:35] through things like this, no one will
[16:37] be able to scare him when he enters
[16:39] society later on.
[16:41] >> That is his educational logic.
[16:42] >> It’s an education of resilience.
[16:44] Right, so, when they belittle you, if
[16:46] you know yourself that it’s just a
[16:48] joke, that is also a kind of maturity.
[16:50] If you can’t handle even a little bit
[16:52] of criticism, how will you handle
[16:53] things when you enter society? What
[16:54] won't you face then?
[16:55] >> If you can't even stand a few words.
[16:57] Social belittling comes in two forms.
[16:59] The kind I couldn't stand as a child
[17:01] was when my parents did it in front of
[17:03] outsiders. Because I felt that at home,
[17:05] you could say whatever you wanted, we
[17:07] could talk it out, but when you—I had
[17:09] a childhood trauma, around age 12 when
[17:11] I started developing, my mom would have
[17:13] guests over and show me off, saying, "
[17:15] Look, he's started developing," and so
[17:17] on. This was actually something very,
[17:19] very shameful to me, but my mom would
[17:21] just casually bring it up. So I feel, I
[17:24] feel that saying things in front of
[17:26] outsiders is another kind of greater
[17:28] psychological impact.
[17:29] >> What kind of trauma did it cause you?
[17:31] >> I just didn't dare to talk about my own
[17:33] development.
[17:33] >> These are two separate issues. The
[17:35] first is the exposure of your privacy,
[17:37] and another is the traditional Chinese
[17:39] cultural belief that disciplining a
[17:40] child in public is a form of upbringing
[17:42] . "
[17:42] >> Discipline your child in public, but
[17:44] advise your spouse in private"—that's
[17:46] the logic of tradition. The belief is
[17:47] that I must speak in front of others
[17:49] for it to be effective on the child. If
[17:50] you just talk behind closed doors at
[17:52] home, it’s considered useless.
[17:53] >> So, how exactly should we parents
[17:55] criticize our children? Should we even
[17:57] consider their self-esteem?
[17:59] >> I think a major problem is that kids
[18:01] today are too sensitive; they really
[18:03] need to develop a "thick skin." We all
[18:05] have this problem now—we can't handle
[18:07] what others say about us. I feel I'm
[18:09] becoming more and more resilient. In
[18:11] the past, if someone slandered me
[18:13] online, I would be furious. Now, if
[18:15] someone slanders me, I just laugh it
[18:18] off. This is the kind of "thick skin"
[18:20] you need to practice.
[18:22] >> Do you know...are you aware of that
[18:24] incident? A high school sophomore girl.
[18:27] >> Her homeroom teacher caught her dating
[18:28] or something.
[18:30] >> The teacher said some harsh words—
[18:32] although whether those exact words were
[18:34] said is still debated. But the girl
[18:37] just sat on the ledge for a while and
[18:39] then jumped. Given this loss of life,
[18:42] is it fair to just say, "You're too
[18:44] soft and can't handle setbacks"? Isn't
[18:46] that a bit heartless?
[18:48] >> Actually, regarding the issues you just
[18:51] raised, from my professional
[18:52] perspective, I believe human
[18:54] psychological development is a process.
[18:58] In this process, to prevent future
[19:00] issues, you must handle things
[19:02] beforehand. We have a concept called "
[19:06] desensitization."
[19:08] >> Mm.
[19:08] >> What is desensitization? It’s about
[19:11] gradually adapting to certain types of
[19:12] negative things, rather than
[19:13] encountering them all at once.
[19:15] Generally, desensitization refers to
[19:17] things that are unpleasant. So, smart
[19:19] parents will actually tease their
[19:20] children a bit when they are young or
[19:22] often joke around at home. If they get
[19:25] annoyed, they just talk it out. If the
[19:28] child gets used to it, there won't be
[19:30] any problems later. The key is what?
[19:33] When the child is young, parents are
[19:35] overly doting, obeying their every whim
[19:37] . And when do they finally start to get
[19:39] strict? When academic pressure hits in
[19:41] middle or high school. If you don't
[19:43] study, they feel you won't get into
[19:44] college or find a good job, and that's
[19:46] when they start getting anxious with
[19:48] you. You see, since the foundation
[19:49] wasn't laid earlier, getting anxious
[19:51] now is simply the wrong timing.
[19:52] >> And there was no desensitization.
[19:54] >> It's all about missing the right timing
[19:56] . The best time for education has
[19:58] passed. I actually saw an example of
[20:00] this, many years ago. A parent was
[20:02] arguing with their daughter. The
[20:04] daughter was probably around thirteen
[20:05] or fourteen, right in her rebellious
[20:07] phase. Since most parents are helpless
[20:09] during this stage, they got into a
[20:11] heated argument, and the girl opened
[20:12] the window on the tenth floor and
[20:14] jumped.
[20:14] >> This really happened. Back in our day,
[20:17] we were beaten too, but nobody jumped.
[20:21] I certainly wouldn't have.
[20:23] >> Parents back then loved hitting their
[20:25] kids. I remember we would even swap
[20:27] stories about how to handle getting hit
[20:29] . So I’d share a tip: when your
[20:31] parents hit you—since they usually
[20:33] followed some "rules"—they’d mostly
[20:35] go for your backside. When they strike,
[20:37] you must lift your backside up, and as
[20:40] the hand descends, you pull back in
[20:42] rhythm; it makes the hit much lighter
[20:44] and less painful.
[20:45] >> Right? Like Tai Chi.
[20:46] >> Exactly, and you’d call out.
[20:48] >> Drawing them in, then letting them miss
[20:50] . In our building, you could hear
[20:51] screaming every day. There were
[20:53] eighteen households, three per floor
[20:55] over six floors.
[20:55] >> It was awful.
[20:58] >> When a child screamed for help, the
[21:00] parents wouldn't stop, so someone would
[21:01] knock on the door, and the neighbors
[21:03] would step in to intervene.
[21:07] >> It just goes to show, only when the
[21:09] neighbors come to help does the ordeal
[21:11] stop; parents themselves won't stop,
[21:13] even when it hurts. However, I think
[21:16] judging how a child "should" be from an
[21:18] adult's perspective is slightly
[21:20] problematic. I've gradually come to
[21:23] realize that the scale of the adult
[21:24] world is different from the world of a
[21:26] child. What do I mean by that? For
[21:29] example, when I was in elementary
[21:31] school, I had a job as a student leader
[21:33] . My duty was to stand at the school
[21:35] gate and check if classmates were
[21:37] wearing their red scarves. It was a
[21:39] tiny thing; if they didn't have one,
[21:41] they'd lose two points. It was trivial,
[21:43] but you’d see kids start making a
[21:45] scene the moment they didn't have
[21:47] theirs, crying, "But I bought it, what
[21:48] do I do?" Adults would think, "What's
[21:51] the big deal?" But you could see the
[21:53] child wailing because losing two points
[21:55] felt like the end of the world to them.
[21:57] In the grand scheme of an adult's world
[21:59] , it's nothing, so I think there’s a
[22:01] cognitive dissonance—adults think, "
[22:03] You're making a scene over this?" but
[22:05] to the child, that is their entire
[22:07] world. "If I lose this, I'm ruined."
[22:09] Isn't that very real?
[22:10] >> So I think it’s very real.
[22:12] >> My point is, you can't just say
[22:14] children are spoiled or can't handle
[22:16] setbacks, because sometimes what drives
[22:18] an adult to jump off a building is
[22:20] owing millions in stocks that they
[22:22] can't pay back.
[22:24] >> But for a child, in their world, this
[22:26] is equivalent to that event. Because
[22:28] they don't have bigger things like
[22:29] stocks.
[22:29] >> So losing two points is equivalent, or
[22:31] being humiliated in front of classmates
[22:33] —like if I had a puppy love
[22:34] relationship and the teacher asked, "
[22:36] What are you two doing?"—to them,
[22:37] that feels bigger than anything. Yes, I
[22:39] think there is another aspect. Because
[22:41] I had an experience when I was young
[22:43] where my parents almost drove me to
[22:44] jump off a building, but I didn't. A
[22:46] big reason was that I felt my mom was
[22:48] on my side; in that environment, I
[22:50] wasn't completely hopeless. But, for
[22:52] example, if you're in a car, a confined
[22:54] space, living with someone who is
[22:55] constantly berating you, and I have no
[22:57] hope and no support, I think it would
[22:59] be hard for me to just break free; you
[23:01] wouldn't be able to get past that.
[23:04] You've often talked to us about "crimes
[23:06] of passion," where people just snap in
[23:08] the moment—are children more prone to
[23:10] that? That is true, especially
[23:13] regarding the timing; you see that many
[23:15] of these conflicts happen during
[23:16] adolescence.
[23:18] >> What is adolescence? Human puberty
[23:20] typically begins around age 12 for
[23:22] girls and 14 for boys. Once development
[23:24] starts, the endocrine system becomes
[23:26] imbalanced because these hormones were
[23:28] previously absent. After this secretion
[23:30] begins, what happens to a person? They
[23:32] become emotionally unstable. They might
[23:34] be very happy, but overall, it’s a
[23:36] process of rapid change. For instance,
[23:38] they turn unhappy immediately, or happy
[23:40] the next second. It’s not like us
[23:42] adults, where the process is much
[23:44] slower. You see this all the time.
[23:46] >> I’ll tell you, I’ve realized
[23:47] something recently—my perspective is
[23:49] still superficial, of course—but I
[23:51] see how people say life really is a
[23:53] circle.
[23:53] >> I feel like menopause and puberty share
[23:56] many similar symptoms. Especially, they
[23:58] say for women, sometimes their faces
[24:01] flush suddenly, they get agitated, and
[24:03] their eyes suddenly look cold. It’s
[24:05] just...
[24:06] >> It’s a problem of physiological
[24:08] origin. And here is what’s most
[24:11] critical. It coincides with puberty,
[24:13] right before the college entrance exam
[24:15] —the most stressful period that
[24:17] determines one's destiny. So in this
[24:19] phase, as I mentioned about Chinese
[24:21] families, you have a very happy
[24:23] childhood early on. Because so many
[24:24] elders and adults spoil you, you are
[24:26] very happy, right up until the end of
[24:28] primary school at age 12.
[24:29] >> Mmh.
[24:30] >> But once you reach middle school, once
[24:31] you reach the high school entrance exam
[24:32] ,
[24:32] >> The happiness is gone.
[24:34] >> From middle school to the college
[24:35] entrance exam, those are the six years
[24:37] of your life. It means these six years
[24:38] carry the weight of your entire life.
[24:40] So for many kids, if their studies go
[24:42] smoothly, it’s fine, but when they
[24:43] don’t, they have no alternative path.
[24:45] There is no alternative path, and
[24:46] parents push them, saying you must work
[24:48] harder, why have your scores dropped
[24:49] now? That’s when conflict arises. Of
[24:51] course, in this case, I see it wasn’t
[24:53] just about studies; there was also
[24:55] conflict with classmates.
[24:56] >> Mmh.
[24:57] >> And the mother, I suspect, probably
[24:58] didn’t take his side.
[25:00] >> Mmh.
[25:00] >> That’s also an issue. Sometimes I
[25:02] feel like maybe things should have gone
[25:04] differently here. But should a parent
[25:05] really side with their child if they
[25:07] get into a fight with a classmate?
[25:08] >> Actually, how should I put this? For
[25:10] example, I remember when I was learning
[25:12] to drive, every time I got on the road,
[25:14] I would get hot-headed. I’d be
[25:16] annoyed at people cutting in or driving
[25:18] slowly, and I’d be venting constantly
[25:20] . My daughter just said to me at the
[25:21] time, "I'll get you a megaphone.""You
[25:23] can just shout it outside." You make me
[25:24] listen to this every day, it's so
[25:26] annoying.
[25:26] >> Like a police siren. And then, every
[25:28] time I'm really upset, he criticizes me
[25:30] . He says, "Look, why are you nagging
[25:32] again? Why are you so unable to keep
[25:34] your cool?" I tell him, "You never take
[25:36] my side; you always take the other
[25:38] person's side." It’s just that he’s
[25:39] being normal, because from his
[25:41] perspective, it’s not worth getting
[25:42] worked up over.
[25:43] >> But you, you're looking at it and
[25:45] you're furious. So I think this is what
[25:47] we call a social role issue—everyone
[25:49] is in a different position.
[25:51] >> For parents, there is indeed a problem;
[25:53] for instance, when they see this news,
[25:55] they get scared. Like, should I scold
[25:57] my child? Because they are
[25:59] unpredictable, what should I do? But
[26:02] you can't just not criticize them, or
[26:04] ignore them; will they turn out alright
[26:05] ? It's like this guy is about to jump
[26:08] off, isn't it? The problem now is just
[26:10] this: all our social education has
[26:12] turned into indulgent education, and in
[26:14] this situation, everyone just backs
[26:16] away. Actually, what Teacher Meijing
[26:19] said at the beginning was very accurate
[26:21] : we should cultivate a habit from a
[26:23] young age—simply put, to toughen up
[26:25] and accept some criticism.
[26:28] >> Frustration education. In our daily
[26:30] lives, we don't do this kind of
[26:32] physical frustration training. For
[26:35] example, look at those Japanese kids
[26:37] running in the snow in shorts; none of
[26:38] our parents would ever do that.
[26:40] >> Parents would go to the school and
[26:41] cause a scene, saying, "My child caught
[26:43] a cold, how are you going to handle
[26:44] this?"
[26:45] >> Right, I would too. I think that's
[26:47] understandable, but I think Chinese
[26:49] parents have a problem—or many
[26:50] parents do—and that is that their
[26:52] hitting is moody and unpredictable. My
[26:55] parents hit me when I was little, but
[26:57] they set rules first: if you do such
[26:59] and such, I might hit you. So you're
[27:01] very clear on the boundaries, rather
[27:03] than...just hitting whenever you feel
[27:05] like it. You need the rule of law,
[27:07] right? Exactly, how can parents just
[27:09] hit their children randomly? There must
[27:10] be a reason for it. Right, I think
[27:12] whether or not to hit isn't the
[27:13] important part, actually. It really
[27:15] isn't about the hitting itself. Take
[27:16] myself, for example. Both my parents
[27:19] hit me when I was young. My mom hit me,
[27:21] and my mom hitting me left a deeper
[27:23] impression than my dad hitting me; my
[27:25] dad hitting me was special. It’s
[27:27] harsh. They don’t just hit you with
[27:29] their hand; they grab something like a
[27:31] feather duster and lash you, and your
[27:32] butt will be so sore you won’t dare
[27:34] sit on a chair for a week.
[27:35] >> Oh my.
[27:36] >> And yet, I don’t hate my parents at
[27:38] all, not even a little bit.
[27:39] >> Why is that?
[27:40] >> It’s just that kind of culture; no
[27:41] one ever really felt hatred. Because
[27:43] back then, parents never really left
[27:44] their children’s side.
[27:45] >> They’d follow you everywhere, even to
[27:47] work.
[27:47] >> And the second thing is, as I got older
[27:49] , my parents became more relaxed with
[27:51] me. They basically left me alone.
[27:52] >> That’s when you truly understand your
[27:54] parents.
[27:54] >> My parents never interfered with me,
[27:56] including my dating life, my marriage,
[27:58] or anything else; not a single thing.
[28:00] Even after, say when you were getting
[28:02] married, you’d tell them, and
[28:03] they’d think it was all great. They
[28:06] never meddled, they never once
[28:08] interfered, right? So, I feel that if
[28:10] Teacher Mei hadn't mentioned it, I
[28:12] never would have thought about it.
[28:13] Because, you know, when I was a kid,
[28:15] there was this one thing that left a
[28:17] deep impression on me. My mom hit me,
[28:19] though I can't remember why anymore.
[28:24] She slapped me right in front of an
[28:26] auntie, and that auntie held me and
[28:28] cried, which is why it stuck with me.
[28:31] My mom...
[28:32] >> The auntie was moved to tears? Yes,
[28:34] that auntie had daughters, and she and
[28:36] I were very close. She had daughters
[28:38] but no sons, so she really loved me
[28:40] because I was a boy. My mom slapped me
[28:42] for no particular reason, and then the
[28:44] auntie just held me and cried. If she
[28:46] hadn't held me and cried, I wouldn't
[28:48] remember this at all.
[28:49] >> Because she held me and cried, it stuck
[28:51] in my memory, so whenever I think about
[28:53] my mom hitting me......
[28:54] >> this is the only thing I can recall. Do
[28:55] you see that as trauma? Is it trauma? I
[28:57] still remember it, but I don’t have
[28:59] any complaints or anything. I just
[29:01] figured I must have been in the wrong.
[29:02] Why?
[29:03] >> Because she wouldn’t hit me for no
[29:04] reason.
[29:04] >> Because I had been taught that much. My
[29:05] father had a heavy hand, what you might
[29:07] call a "strict hand."
[29:08] >> I had a rule back then, which was that
[29:09] my father was never allowed to lay a
[29:11] finger on me. But whenever I did
[29:12] something wrong, my mom definitely
[29:13] would. I remember once when we lived in
[29:14] a bungalow, I ran outside and my mom
[29:15] chased me for half the street.
[29:16] >> So many neighbors rushed out, wondering
[29:18] what was going on, thinking something
[29:19] had happened. But after we got home,
[29:21] she didn't hit me at all. And then...
[29:30] >> Is this related to some kind of social
[29:32] consensus or tradition? Yes, exactly.
[29:35] >> For instance, when you talk like that,
[29:37] especially your generation, look at the
[29:39] US, for example. People feel that if a
[29:42] child calls the police, countless
[29:44] adults will later recount that their
[29:46] shadows stem from parental abuse or
[29:48] corporal punishment in childhood, which
[29:50] caused the dysfunctions they face today
[29:52] . In that society, this is considered a
[29:55] massive, intolerable issue. Anyone who
[29:57] dares to lay a hand on a child is not
[29:59] permitted by the state. So, as the
[30:02] saying goes, culture is the final and
[30:04] most powerful barrier. Because of our
[30:07] cultural reasons, it leads us to see
[30:09] that hitting children isn't necessarily
[30:11] always a bad outcome. Many years ago,
[30:13] about 15 or 20 years ago, I did a show
[30:16] on CCTV called "Flow." Parents were on
[30:18] one side, children on the other, and I
[30:20] asked a question: "Who has been hit?" A
[30:22] whole bunch of people raised their
[30:24] hands. Back then, kids were still being
[30:25] hit—middle schoolers 20 years ago.
[30:27] Then I asked, "How many people hate
[30:28] their parents?" Almost no one raised
[30:30] their hand. No one, because there is
[30:32] familial love there.
[30:33] >> Actually, I mean that in the process of
[30:35] growing up, one must form certain
[30:37] values. Among them, besides love, there
[30:39] is also respect and awe.
[30:41] >> Oh.
[30:41] >> This is very important.
[30:42] >> Do you know? Where does this respect
[30:44] come from?
[30:44] >> Where does it come from?
[30:45] >> I believe it must first come from awe.
[30:47] One must be afraid first in order to
[30:48] have respect. If they are not afraid,
[30:50] they will not have respect.
[30:51] >> Yes, these two words combined form "
[30:53] reverence." Right, only when reaching
[30:55] adulthood, for example, I deeply admire
[30:57] scholars or cultural figures like this,
[30:59] and I respect them. But in reality,
[31:01] when young, much of that respect for
[31:03] mentors and elders is mixed with a bit
[31:05] of fear. For instance, seeing a teacher
[31:07] , they feel fear. Because they are
[31:09] afraid, they are respectful.
[31:10] >> So, how is this fear formed? I think
[31:12] many families today haven't studied
[31:14] this issue, but why did we do it that
[31:15] way in the past? You said the US
[31:17] doesn't allow it, but they have other
[31:19] ways to solve problems. Of course, I
[31:20] haven't specifically studied American
[31:22] families, but I personally think we
[31:24] sometimes say that if a child breaks
[31:26] the law, punishment is actually a form
[31:27] of protection.
[31:28] >> Oh.
[31:29] >> Let them know fear, but we can make the
[31:30] thunder loud and the raindrops small.
[31:32] In other words, make the situation look
[31:33] very scary, but when it comes to the
[31:35] final punishment, treat it lightly so
[31:36] they truly regret it and never dare to
[31:38] do it again. Only when you make them
[31:39] truly afraid to do it again are you
[31:41] actually protecting them, rather than
[31:42] saying it's okay. Some people talk
[31:44] about clearing a criminal record, but
[31:45] honestly, many crimes are still crimes.
[31:47] What do you mean by clearing a record?
[31:48] >> It means that after you commit a crime,
[31:50] there's no record left behind, like
[31:52] before age 18 or some other cutoff. I
[31:55] don't advocate for beating a child when
[31:56] they're small, but you must make them
[31:58] understand they shouldn't reach that
[32:00] point.
[32:01] >> For example, I once met a colleague of
[32:03] mine who was an office director, and he
[32:05] told me about his grandmother raising
[32:06] him. He said what he feared most was
[32:08] that bamboo stick she kept behind the
[32:10] door. Exactly, exactly.
[32:11] >> He said the moment she closed the door
[32:13] and took out that stick, he’d drop to
[32:15] his knees and cry, "Grandma, I’ll
[32:16] never do it again! Never again!"
[32:18] >> So,
[32:19] >> You have to have something you fear.
[32:20] >> You have to have a fear.
[32:22] >> You mentioned thunderous noise, but I
[32:24] found that when my dad did it—even
[32:26] now, it's still fresh in my mind—he
[32:28] knew exactly how to hit me, targeting
[32:30] those pressure points, you know? He
[32:34] used his fingers, but why was his "
[32:36] thunderous noise" so small? It was just
[32:39] ,
[32:39] >> Oh.
[32:40] >> He would build up all this tension, you
[32:42] know? That kind of intensity, but in
[32:44] reality, he didn't actually hurt you
[32:46] that badly. We just talked for a while
[32:49] and I have to add this: disciplining a
[32:51] child requires limits and technique.
[32:54] And I really think there are other ways
[32:55] to handle it. For instance, do you know
[32:57] how my mom stopped me from running away
[32:58] from home? I was always trying to run
[33:00] away when I was a kid. Usually, in
[33:01] those situations, parents would resort
[33:03] to hitting, especially with all that
[33:04] drama and attempted running away. My
[33:06] mom said, "Those clothes are ours, take
[33:07] them off, leave them here." She said, "
[33:09] Those pants are ours, take them off,
[33:10] leave them here." She said, "Even your
[33:12] skin belongs to this family, leave it."
[33:13] So, at 12 years old, I ran out of the
[33:15] house, but I couldn't even make it past
[33:17] our apartment complex. I just didn't
[33:19] know what to do, so I ended up hiding
[33:21] by our front door, and from then on, I
[33:23] never dared to mention running away
[33:24] again.
[33:26] >> You were like little Nezha; back then,
[33:28] didn't he return his flesh to his
[33:30] parents and his bones to his father?
[33:34] >> Right, it's that kind of extreme
[33:36] rebellious mentality.
[33:38] >> This period is the biggest headache for
[33:40] all parents. Yes, but when it comes to
[33:43] adolescence, I specifically urge many
[33:45] parents that when they reach puberty,
[33:47] or as I said just now, as they approach
[33:49] adulthood, you must speak less to them.
[33:53] >> Mhm.
[33:54] >> In some of my lectures, I’ve said
[33:56] that before the age of six, a parent's
[33:57] nagging and words are like gold. After
[33:59] 12, a parent's words are like trash.
[34:02] >> Reasoning doesn't work.
[34:03] >> They won't listen.
[34:04] >> Can't they understand reason?
[34:05] >> No, they don't need to. They feel, "I'm
[34:07] grown up now; I already know everything
[34:09] you're saying." And they think what you
[34:10] say is outdated.
[34:11] >> Right, exactly.
[34:14] >> They find it too backward the moment
[34:15] they hear it.
[34:16] >> Besides, it's the same stuff you've
[34:17] been saying for over a decade, right?
[34:19] You've been telling them these things
[34:20] from the start—do you even have
[34:22] anything new to say? You don't. So if
[34:23] you keep saying it, it becomes trash.
[34:25] >> Mhm.
[34:26] >> So what should you do at this point?
[34:27] Stop right there.
[34:28] >> Mhm.
[34:29] >> For example, if they have a conflict
[34:30] with a classmate, just ask, "Hey, what
[34:31] happened?" Then say a couple of
[34:33] sentences and turn to walk away.
[34:34] >> Mhm.
[34:35] >> But many parents might say they aren't
[34:36] capable of handling it that way. So,
[34:39] what should they do? Sometimes, you
[34:41] must first respect them and discuss
[34:43] things with them more. You can say, "If
[34:46] it were me, this is what I would do."
[34:48] >> You can say it like that, instead of
[34:49] accusing them, "You're so stupid, how
[34:51] could you do that?"—which is what
[34:52] many of our parents say.
[34:53] >> They’re already feeling aggrieved,
[34:55] and you’re still calling them stupid.
[34:56] >> There's no way out.
[34:57] >> Mhm.
[34:58] >> So, I often think that when we parents
[35:00] deal with teenage children—I’ve met
[35:02] parents who say, "My child is
[35:03] impossible"—just let it pass, let it
[35:05] pass, just let it pass.
[35:06] >> You have to be patient. So in this
[35:08] phase, don't get anxious with them. As
[35:10] I said, when you have a conflict, say
[35:12] three to five sentences and turn to
[35:14] walk away.
[35:14] >> Mhm.
[35:15] >> They will adjust. They might not accept
[35:17] it at the time, but they will take your
[35:18] words to heart. But if you insist they
[35:20] admit it right then, they absolutely
[35:22] won't. It's like if your mother said, "
[35:23] Don't leave, don't leave, I was just
[35:25] teasing you," you would certainly feel
[35:27] very warm inside.
[35:28] >> Because with that one sentence from
[35:29] your mother, you wouldn't actually
[35:30] leave anymore, right? So for parents at
[35:32] this age, or rather this age range of
[35:34] the child, you should first be strict.
[35:36] >> And eventually, things will become very
[35:37] minor. Then with a bit of humor, things
[35:39] will get back on track. I think parents
[35:41] should also establish this kind of
[35:42] communication mechanism from an early
[35:43] age. For instance, I asked my mom the
[35:45] other day, because she keeps nagging
[35:47] and repeating the same things, I asked
[35:49] why she keeps repeating herself. She
[35:51] said it's because she felt I didn't
[35:52] understand her, and I didn't provide a
[35:54] feedback loop to show I had received
[35:56] her message, so she felt ignored and
[35:57] kept on talking. I believe if parents
[35:59] establish this communication mechanism
[36:01] early, a child can say, "Okay, I
[36:03] understand." Or say, "That sentence
[36:04] made me unhappy." Or "That sentence
[36:06] made me feel comfortable." If you
[36:08] establish this communication mechanism
[36:09] well, everyone will talk much less; you
[36:11] see, it won't devolve into that
[36:12] repetitive state of linguistic
[36:13] pollution and verbal abuse.
[36:15] >> I think the most important thing right
[36:16] now is for parents to be aware that
[36:17] when children are young, you need to
[36:19] speak up when you have to.
[36:20] >> Mhm.
[36:20] >> You need to set rules when rules are
[36:22] needed, and be serious when you need to
[36:24] be; don't just let them run wild when
[36:25] they are little.
[36:26] >> I saw the few tips you taught the other
[36:28] day, and I think they really target
[36:30] specific issues.
[36:31] >> You mentioned that by around three
[36:32] years old, you have to say no.
[36:34] >> Why around three years old? The younger
[36:36] , the better. If you refuse them when
[36:38] they are small, the worst they'll do is
[36:39] roll on the floor; you shouldn't wait
[36:41] until they are twelve to refuse them.
[36:42] >> You know, many parents today are truly
[36:44] helpless, for example, regarding
[36:46] playing games on an iPad. If you find
[36:48] that children who play games often
[36:50] won't do their homework and insist on
[36:52] playing instead, what do you do? You
[36:53] end up having to snatch it away.
[36:55] >> Mhm.
[36:56] >> Once you snatch it, they might even
[36:57] lash out and hit you.
[36:58] >> You must do this while they are young.
[37:00] For example, my grandchild was once at
[37:02] home playing on the iPad, watching
[37:04] cartoons. I saw they had been watching
[37:06] for half an hour, so I said it's bad
[37:07] for their eyes and took it away. They
[37:09] immediately raised their hand and
[37:11] slapped me, so I stood up and said, "
[37:12] Apologize to me." Then I walked away.
[37:14] After I walked away, they were just
[37:16] there, angry and ignoring me. After
[37:18] some time, they took the initiative;
[37:19] when I went to the kitchen, they
[37:20] followed me to the kitchen, when I went
[37:22] to the study, they followed, and I said
[37:23] , "You must apologize, because you hit
[37:25] me just now." Meaning I didn't get
[37:26] physical, but I did take it away, so
[37:28] after everything was over, I explained
[37:30] to him why I had taken it away.
[37:32] Actually, I know you were enjoying it,
[37:34] but it’s bad for your eyes. I told
[37:35] him, if your eyes get ruined, you'll be
[37:37] in trouble; imagine what life would be
[37:39] like if you couldn't see. So, I’m
[37:41] doing this for your own good. I said,
[37:43] from now on, Grandma...When it's time
[37:45] to stop watching, you stop. He became
[37:47] very disciplined. Sometimes when he was
[37:48] watching, he knew not to move, and when
[37:50] he saw me, he’d ask, "Can you stop
[37:51] watching and play with me for a while?"
[37:53] I’d say, "Alright," and put it away
[37:54] immediately. This is how you set
[37:56] boundaries.
[37:57] >> If you don't set these rules when
[37:58] they're young—like when to stop, for
[37:59] example, letting them watch for half an
[38:01] hour but no more—if you don't set
[38:02] them when they're little, you'll
[38:04] struggle when they're older. That’s
[38:05] why I say many of our parents are...
[38:07] what’s the word? They don't
[38:08] discipline when they should, and they
[38:09] try to control when they shouldn't,
[38:11] especially as the child nears adulthood
[38:12] , during puberty, which we also call
[38:13] the approach to adulthood. What do we
[38:15] mean by approaching adulthood? It means
[38:17] they’re starting to break free from
[38:18] their reliance on you, and at this
[38:19] stage, they feel they should be in
[38:20] charge of their own decisions. If you
[38:22] didn’t discipline them early on and
[38:24] start now—when they are trying to
[38:25] take charge—the conflict will
[38:27] inevitably be huge.
[38:28] >> For instance, if you have a rebellious
[38:30] child. If they refuse to back down or
[38:32] apologize to you, do you lock them in a
[38:34] dark room or a closet?
[38:35] >> No, I'm talking about children under
[38:37] six.
[38:38] >> Oh, before age six. You absolutely
[38:40] cannot do that after age 12. After 12,
[38:42] parents must learn to show
[38:43] vulnerability.
[38:43] >> Then what should be done?
[38:45] >> Parents showing vulnerability, for
[38:46] example.
[38:47] >> No.
[38:47] >> I am telling you.
[38:48] >> Right, there's no need to apologize.
[38:50] For example, in this situation, you
[38:51] tell them, "You are wrong, you should
[38:53] do such and such," right? You say, "For
[38:54] example, at this critical stage, you
[38:56] can't go astray; if you go astray for
[38:57] these few years, your whole future will
[38:59] be..." you know? If they don't listen,
[39:01] what then?
[39:01] >> Then you can just look at them calmly.
[39:03] And stop talking. Then, at this point,
[39:05] they will feel very uncomfortable.
[39:07] >> You have to outwit them; at this stage,
[39:09] it’s a battle of wits, whereas when
[39:10] they're young, it's a battle of
[39:11] willpower.
[39:12] >> You can even tell them, "My work
[39:13] pressure is immense, and I can't really
[39:15] help you much. You’re nearly an adult
[39:17] now, and I think you should be able to
[39:19] manage yourself.""Look at all these
[39:21] things I'm dealing with; I'm scratching
[39:22] my head over them. And there are other
[39:24] things, too—I just don't have the
[39:26] physical strength for it.""I don't have
[39:27] that much time and energy for you
[39:29] anymore." You need to learn to be
[39:30] vulnerable, and you can even bring up
[39:32] your own problems: "Let me discuss a
[39:34] problem with you—if this happened to
[39:36] you, how would you handle it?" At this
[39:37] point, the child will think, "Oh, let
[39:39] me offer some advice," and they will
[39:40] actually become more mature.
[39:42] >> What was it that I remember you saying?
[39:43] You said we shouldn't scold them,
[39:44] because that makes it seem like you're
[39:46] being unreasonable.
[39:46] >> Exactly, don't scold, and don't hit
[39:48] them.
[39:48] >> You can't hit them—that would be a
[39:50] grown-up bullying a child.
[39:51] >> Right, and don't walk away either.
[39:52] >> Also, don't lecture them at that moment
[39:54] ; just sit there and watch them with a
[39:56] smile.
[39:56] >> That means don't compromise.
[39:57] >> For example, if you ask me to buy
[39:59] something for you...
[39:59] >> I just won't buy it for you, but I
[40:01] won't leave you either, no matter how
[40:02] much you throw a tantrum.
[40:03] >> Exactly.
[40:04] >> I'll just stay there with you.
[40:05] >> Right, and I think we also need to be
[40:06] clear about it.
[40:07] >> Just saying it once is enough.
[40:08] >> Yes, and I think saying "no" once is
[40:10] enough.
[40:10] >> No, wait—another point is that adults
[40:12] must teach children to keep their word.
[40:14] For example...
[40:16] >> Back then, when my son was little, I
[40:18] know I was very strict with him. For
[40:21] instance, when we went out, he wanted
[40:23] to buy a toy. He wanted it, but I said,
[40:26] "No, we can't buy it today." And we
[40:28] were even at a special children's
[40:30] department store at Wangfujing to buy
[40:32] toys. Seeing him looking through the
[40:34] glass with such longing, he suddenly
[40:36] had this—my son had this way with
[40:38] words when he was little—he said, "
[40:40] Dad, if you were me, you’d know how
[40:43] much I really want this." That really
[40:46] moved me deeply.
[40:47] >> But I had already said I wouldn't buy
[40:49] it for him today. I was almost ready to
[40:51] surrender, but I said, "That still
[40:52] won't work; we're not buying it today."
[40:54] Then he started crying.
[40:55] >> When he cried, it meant he had reached
[40:57] his limit of vulnerability. I felt
[40:58] uneasy because, in a public place, his
[41:00] crying made me lose face, so I said, "
[41:02] If you're going to cry, go home and cry
[41:04] ." He stopped crying. After he stopped,
[41:07] we just smiled and went home. Once we
[41:09] got home, he moved a little stool into
[41:11] the corner of the room and just sobbed
[41:13] —he cried his heart out. Then I asked
[41:15] why I was crying, because I felt there
[41:17] was no need to cry anymore; that
[41:19] feeling of sadness had already passed.
[41:22] And while he was crying, he said, "When
[41:24] I grow up, I will never let my son
[41:26] suffer like this." His words were
[41:28] powerful.
[41:29] >> He exceeded my expectations.
[41:32] >> I felt at the time that I couldn't
[41:33] handle the situation, but keeping one's
[41:35] word is, I believe, the most important
[41:37] thing for any young person.
[41:39] >> Yes, and
[41:40] >> if you compromise once, you'll
[41:42] compromise countless times.
[41:43] >> But I think you can add a negotiation
[41:45] here, meaning you leave him an exit.
[41:47] For example, "We didn't plan for this
[41:49] today, so we can't buy it now. Let's go
[41:51] home, figure out how to save up for it,
[41:54] and then we'll see." By giving him hope
[41:56] , you can revisit the request later.
[41:59] That's why, in child education, there
[42:00] needs to be a balance of give and take.
[42:03] But you are absolutely right about
[42:04] keeping your word; for instance, if I
[42:06] promise to take you out on Saturday. If
[42:08] I can't make it on Saturday, I must
[42:10] tell the child, "I can't go today, but
[42:12] I will make it up to you." Yes, meaning
[42:14] if you promise something, you must
[42:16] follow through. Many parents lack
[42:18] patience and just trick them, saying, "
[42:20] Fine, if you get this score, I'll buy
[42:22] it for you." But children actually take
[42:24] this very seriously, and it becomes
[42:26] something of huge importance in their
[42:28] world. Then when you get the score,
[42:29] they say, "Well, I never actually
[42:31] planned to buy it for you." And that
[42:32] thing that was so important to them is
[42:34] shattered. When I was a child, my
[42:35] parents, especially my mom, treated me
[42:37] like an adult. When I wanted to buy
[42:39] toys as a kid, I didn't get them, okay?
[42:40] >> Right, none at all. Around five or six,
[42:42] I wanted a toy, and my mom said no. I
[42:44] asked why. She said, "Because our
[42:45] family is poor." I asked, "Why are we
[42:47] so poor?" She said, "Because your mom
[42:49] and dad aren't very capable at work."
[42:50] And I understood it right then and
[42:51] there. So, I think you shouldn't
[42:53] underestimate a child's understanding.
[42:55] Don't treat them like a toddler, lie to
[42:57] them, and break your promises, and then
[42:58] one day suddenly expect them to be
[43:00] mature, reasonable, and rational like
[43:02] an adult. I think that expectation from
[43:04] adults is quite...
[43:05] >> I don't know about your childhood,
[43:07] because I was just as poor, and you
[43:09] were likely just as poor, but for
[43:11] children today, I...
[43:12] >> We were all poor growing up.
[43:13] >> Children today are different. I've
[43:15] realized there's an issue where they
[43:17] talk about whose house is bigger than
[43:19] theirs, or who has what kind of car.
[43:21] >> These aren't the child's own words;
[43:23] they must have heard them from the
[43:24] adults.
[43:25] >> It had to be their mother.
[43:26] >> Because when I talk about children's
[43:28] psychological issues, including our own
[43:30] as adults, you can basically see that
[43:32] all their behavior is a reflection.
[43:34] >> Oh,
[43:34] >> What does "reflection" mean? It means
[43:36] that every single behavior of the child
[43:38] is basically a reflection of their
[43:39] parents' level. If you say a child is
[43:41] well-mannered, their parents must be
[43:43] well-mannered. If parents are very wise
[43:45] people, their children will be very
[43:47] wise. If parents are always chatting
[43:49] about the things you just mentioned,
[43:51] like whose house is bigger—especially
[43:53] women, moms who love talking about this
[43:54] —the child hears it and becomes just
[43:56] like that.
[43:57] >> Aren't children aware of the
[43:58] differences? Some kids have toys I
[44:00] can't afford, because there is already
[44:02] a wealth gap in society today. That
[44:04] problem is easy to solve. For example,
[44:05] how my daughter handles it with her
[44:07] child: every time she takes him
[44:09] downstairs, she says, "Take two or
[44:10] three toys with you." Why? Downstairs,
[44:13] >> Then exchange them with other kids.
[44:14] They like them regardless of cost.
[44:16] >> It's just swapping to play; when it's
[44:18] time to go home, they each take their
[44:20] own back.
[44:20] >> So, in this process, the child feels, "
[44:22] I don't need to buy it. I can play with
[44:24] theirs when I go downstairs, and they
[44:25] can play with mine." Ah, so the rich
[44:27] kid's toys are also our toys.
[44:28] >> Yes. I think there are many methods in
[44:31] education, rather than simply
[44:32] satisfying whatever they want. It’s
[44:35] true that if you give them this,
[44:36] they’ll just want that. Are you going
[44:38] to buy everything for them? It’s
[44:39] impossible. So what is the best method?
[44:41] In this process, you take them to
[44:43] interact with other children, teach
[44:44] them to swap, and then realize: they
[44:46] have things you don't, and you have
[44:48] things they don't. Regarding this "
[44:49] reflection" you mentioned, and what
[44:51] Fang Zhou said, I think it’s actually
[44:52] a bigger issue. Why did that TV series
[44:54] starring Ni Dahong recently—what was
[44:56] it called?—*All Is Well*?*
[44:57] >> All Is Well*, right. Why did it get
[45:00] such a huge reaction? Well, there is a
[45:02] key issue here, which is that adults
[45:04] all have some kind of mental problem,
[45:06] don't they? If you as an adult haven't
[45:08] completed the process of humanization,
[45:10] if you are a person with an incomplete
[45:12] personality, or even filled with
[45:13] grievances, injustice, and darkness,
[45:15] >> then...
[45:16] >> Well, this thing is truly—I think
[45:17] it’s the biggest problem of all.
[45:19] >> In many of our families, as soon as a
[45:21] divorce happens—or even before it’s
[45:22] finalized—they start telling you, "
[45:24] Your dad is this and that," or "Your
[45:25] mom is such and such."
[45:26] >> So, this issue of teaching children to
[45:28] hate is especially common in these
[45:30] single-parent households. And so,
[45:32] regarding the point you just raised,
[45:34] they really don't realize that, for the
[45:36] child, they carry the blood of both
[45:38] parents within them. Making them do
[45:40] this, making them hate someone, is
[45:42] equivalent to tearing them apart.
[45:43] That’s why these children often have
[45:45] serious psychological problems when
[45:46] they grow up. Hmm.
[45:48] >> Why do I say that some children feel
[45:49] their parents are hurting them? Like
[45:52] you said, it’s not really about
[45:54] setting rules or discipline; they are
[45:56] just using the child as a punching bag.
[45:59] >> They are releasing their own
[46:00] frustrations from life, including the
[46:02] disparities they feel in society and
[46:04] their own sense of imbalance. They push
[46:06] their kids, saying, "You need to make
[46:08] something of yourself in the future,
[46:10] right? You have to earn big money, you
[46:12] have to be a high achiever; you're our
[46:14] only hope." Then it's all about whose
[46:16] kid is earning how much money, or whose
[46:18] kid got into what school. It’s all
[46:21] about fame and fortune, and that’s
[46:23] how they evaluate people.
[46:24] >> Take prying, for instance; right after
[46:25] the college entrance exams, I remember
[46:27] walking by a gate and heard someone ask
[46:28] , "Hey, how many points did your kid
[46:30] get, and what school did they apply to?
[46:31] " I thought to myself, you shouldn't
[46:33] ask that, because if they did well,
[46:35] they’d tell you naturally; if they
[46:37] didn't, asking just makes it so awkward
[46:38] , right? So, just like you said about
[46:41] prying, after they pry, they go off and
[46:43] gossip. I feel that children raised in
[46:46] this kind of gossipy environment are
[46:48] often...
[46:49] >> The way they show their concern feels
[46:51] very strange. Do you think that’s
[46:53] actually concern?
[46:54] >> It’s definitely not concern, but they
[46:56] justify it by saying, "What’s wrong
[46:57] with me being concerned?"
[46:59] >> The whole so-called community culture
[47:00] is just a gossip culture; it’s all
[47:02] about prying, and mothers feel
[47:04] pressured, too. For example, if my
[47:05] child didn't pass, why does the mother
[47:07] put so much pressure on the child,
[47:09] especially during the high school years
[47:11] ? It’s not just a personal issue;
[47:12] it’s a matter of "face." Exactly, and
[47:14] behind this "face" lies a social
[47:16] stratification mechanism; for instance,
[47:18] when you meet someone and they ask, "
[47:20] Did your kid get into college?" Which
[47:22] school did you get into, and have you
[47:23] found a job yet? How much money are you
[47:26] making? And then is it time to find a
[47:27] girlfriend? Are you married yet? If
[47:29] you're married, have you had kids yet?
[47:32] You see, if you’re part of this
[47:34] circle of parents, they’ll feel like
[47:36] if a link is missing, their family gets
[47:38] a lower score. I don’t think a
[47:42] scoring system is a problem, as you
[47:43] can’t prevent it since society also
[47:45] runs on one. However, I believe it’s
[47:50] a huge mistake for parents to
[47:51] constantly compare their kids to others
[47:53] from a young age, because other kids
[47:55] have their own problems, and they only
[47:56] ever show their good side.
[48:01] >> I especially want to talk to parents of
[48:03] teenagers—those with kids in middle
[48:05] school or high school—because I think
[48:07] this is when parents should talk to
[48:08] their children the most about the
[48:10] different ways to live a life.
[48:13] >> Hmm.
[48:14] >> This way of living is very important.
[48:17] For example, when I talk to my child,
[48:19] I’ll say, "I think your memory is
[48:21] excellent, so you could do this kind of
[48:23] work," or "You're good at hands-on
[48:24] tasks, so you could try that." Then,
[48:28] before their college entrance exam, I
[48:29] can suggest about five future career
[48:31] paths for them. Many parents today
[48:33] don't talk about that. They call me and
[48:35] say, "My child scored over 600 points,
[48:37] Mr. Li, which school should they apply
[48:39] to?" I’m like, they scored over 600
[48:41] and don't even know which school to
[48:42] pick? Many parents today only care
[48:44] about scores—getting a high score and
[48:46] getting into a prestigious university.
[48:48] >> They never let the child make their own
[48:50] choices, so I think respect is
[48:52] especially important during adolescence
[48:54] . Many parents today spoil their kids
[48:56] when they're small and are strict later
[48:59] on; they leave no room for discussion.
[49:01] That’s why I emphasize raising them
[49:03] yourself. You must raise them yourself.
[49:06] The time you work the hardest is the
[49:08] time you accumulate your capital.
[49:10] Capital is money making money. What
[49:12] does that mean? It means if you want to
[49:14] educate them later and have them listen
[49:16] to and obey you, it’s because you
[49:18] have that capital built up. You raising
[49:20] this
[49:21] >> And another thing is to keep the
[49:23] channels of communication open. I
[49:24] believe that most parents don't know
[49:26] how to handle the earlier stages. Not
[49:28] all parents are psychologists like
[49:30] Professor Li, so they don't really
[49:32] understand. But there is one point
[49:34] where conflict arises, and that's
[49:35] during puberty—age 12 for girls and
[49:37] 14 for boys—the so-called rebellious
[49:40] phase. When there’s conflict, my only
[49:42] method back then was to restrain myself
[49:44] . Because every time there’s a clash,
[49:46] you know they are being unreasonable—
[49:49] or at the very least, we certainly
[49:50] perceive them as being unreasonable,
[49:52] right? That’s accurate, isn't it? In
[49:55] that situation, I would firmly stand on
[49:57] their side first. I knew there was a
[49:59] danger: during their rebellious phase,
[50:01] once a child shuts the door on you, you
[50:03] have no idea what they’re thinking,
[50:05] and then you've lost them. So, no
[50:07] matter what they say, I always tell
[50:09] them, "You’re right."
[50:10] >> Mm-hmm. And let me tell you, take a 14-
[50:14] year-old boy falling in love, for
[50:16] example. Any parent hearing this would
[50:19] immediately get a headache. They would
[50:21] just say, "I don't..."
[50:23] >> How could you...
[50:24] >> If he says, "I like a girl," I'd say, "
[50:27] You're so annoying."
[50:29] >> Always kidding, "Mm, you're so annoying
[50:31] . I liked girls when I was even younger
[50:33] than you." He immediately feels close
[50:35] to you. "Oh really? Things like that
[50:37] happened?""I was even later than you."
[50:39] Then you're right there on the same
[50:41] page with him. Then you tell him—
[50:43] gradually, don't do it that same day,
[50:45] wait a few days—that what he’s
[50:46] doing might not be the right path. I
[50:48] tell you, the first time is never right
[50:50] . I've heard a similar story; you first
[50:53] act like an experienced veteran.
[50:55] >> Right, right. You must, regardless of
[50:58] what the child says, not discuss right
[51:00] or wrong in the first step. You stand
[51:02] with them first.
[51:03] >> Yes, and then you discuss right or
[51:05] wrong later.
[51:05] >> If you talk about right or wrong from
[51:07] the start, they’ll just shut the door
[51:08] . They won't talk to you, and you'll be
[51:10] left in the dark.
[51:10] >> What you're saying reminds me of one: a
[51:12] son told his dad, "I've set my sights
[51:14] on a girl." And his dad said, "Hey, my
[51:15] son has good taste. She's a nice girl."
[51:18] Mm, exactly.
[51:19] >> Then the follow-up was, "If you plan to
[51:21] stay in this city to work and live,
[51:23] then I think you can go ahead and
[51:25] decide.""But if you want to go to
[51:26] Beijing, I suggest waiting a bit. Don't
[51:28] commit to this just yet." Yes, that
[51:30] father was very smart. You are,
[51:32] especially, you...
[51:33] >> Since you put it that way, it reminds
[51:36] me of a wealthy man I spoke to the
[51:37] other day; I think he's actually quite
[51:40] smart. He said, "I definitely do not
[51:42] allow my child to engage in high
[51:44] consumption." He said, "When my child
[51:46] got to high school or something,
[51:48] knowing his dad had money, he said he
[51:50] wanted to buy a Ferrari." He said, "I
[51:53] could have bought him that Ferrari."
[51:57] But he said, "I told him that there is
[51:59] a big difference between driving a
[52:01] budget car and a Ferrari." He said, "If
[52:04] I buy you that Ferrari now,""
[52:06] >> I would be depriving you of a certain
[52:08] joy.""The joy of starting with a basic
[52:10] car and eventually driving a Ferrari
[52:12] that you earned with your own money."
[52:14] He said, "You know what kind of beat-up
[52:16] car your dad used to drive, and the
[52:18] happiness I felt when I finally
[52:20] upgraded; if I buy it for you now,
[52:22] it’s unfair to you—I’d be robbing
[52:24] you of that joy." Surprisingly, his
[52:26] child listened. Right, exactly, so I
[52:28] think you have to acknowledge them
[52:30] first.
[52:30] >> Acknowledge them first. This isn't just
[52:32] something I'm saying here; I tell
[52:34] everyone who works for me because every
[52:35] family faces these issues: the first
[52:37] thing is, you cannot close the door. If
[52:39] you shut the door on them, they’ll
[52:40] shut it faster than you. If you accuse
[52:42] them, they’ll just slam the door shut
[52:44] . Then, besides closing the door
[52:45] physically, they’ll shut you out
[52:47] mentally; they won't talk to you, and
[52:48] you won't know what’s going on later
[52:50] —you might not even know if they’re
[52:52] pregnant, right? You should talk to
[52:53] them first. When they trust you,
[52:55] they’ll confide in you. Standing by
[52:57] their side is always a good thing;
[52:58] guide them slowly and don't be in a
[53:00] rush. Believe me, when I was young,
[53:06] back in middle school—during that
[53:08] innocent, naive time—I think I was
[53:10] with a girl; it wasn't even puppy love,
[53:12] maybe we just held hands or something,
[53:14] but you know what? Back then, to what
[53:21] extent did our sex education keep
[53:23] children in the dark? That girl...
[53:26] >> Yes, she wrote me a letter saying, "Oh
[53:29] no, I'm afraid I might be pregnant,
[53:30] what should I do?" I ended up hiding it
[53:33] under my bed, but my parents found it.
[53:35] Good grief, my parents lectured me all
[53:37] night, and I told them, "I honestly
[53:39] have no idea how one gets pregnant, you
[53:41] know?" I said it, I said it, but I said
[53:44] I didn't say it. But in the end, my mom
[53:46] and dad finished talking with me. They
[53:48] were still worried and came back saying
[53:50] , "Hey, you can't lie to us; if you're
[53:52] really pregnant, we have ways to handle
[53:54] it."
[53:55] >> That was back then. So I think that
[53:57] kind of thing is really great. I really
[53:59] dislike seeing those screenshots often
[54:00] shared online, you know, in class
[54:02] WeChat groups, where the teacher posts,
[54:04] "Hey, here's what your kid did at
[54:06] school today," and then the kid replies
[54:08] , "Report to teacher, I've already
[54:10] punished them," or "Report to teacher,
[54:11] I've already educated them." I am
[54:14] terrified of those kinds of messages,
[54:16] because for a child, their parent is
[54:17] truly the only person who might
[54:19] understand them, but because a teacher
[54:21] has so many kids in the class, it's
[54:23] hard for them to understand you
[54:24] individually. Your parent is the one
[54:27] who understands you best, but then they
[54:28] stand from an outsider's perspective to
[54:30] criticize you; that's a huge
[54:32] humiliation for a child. Also, there's
[54:34] the point that children have no
[54:36] standing to talk to adults; they need
[54:38] an adult to speak to other adults on
[54:40] their behalf because they aren't
[54:41] considered equal, but most adults, I
[54:43] feel, in these situations, will side
[54:45] with the other adults, leaving the
[54:47] child in a very isolated and hopeless
[54:49] position.
[54:50] >> So, this is quite crucial: you have to
[54:53] stand with them first. Right, exactly.
[54:55] >> Yes, I think like this mother, if a
[54:57] child gets into a conflict with someone
[54:59] else, you need to first ask what it was
[55:01] about. And then, if the other party is
[55:03] being very unfair and your child feels
[55:05] wronged, you can be a bit humorous with
[55:06] them, like, "Do you want me to step in
[55:08] and fight them for you?""
[55:09] >> Oh, they bullied you like that? Let me
[55:11] help you! Don't look down on your mom,
[55:13] I can take them on no problem," just to
[55:15] make them laugh first. Right? Get them
[55:17] cheered up, then talk about what
[55:18] actually happened, and then discuss
[55:20] what to do if it happens again next
[55:22] time.
[55:22] >> That is too hard for ordinary people; I
[55:24] think a simple method is to just put
[55:26] everything aside for a moment, and just
[55:28] be angry by yourself. For example, sulk
[55:31] , and just don't say anything. But this
[55:33] anger usually doesn't last very long;
[55:36] it will pass. So, not in the most
[55:38] urgent of situations, it's...
[55:40] >> It's about slowing down. Actually, it's
[55:42] the same for adults, some things are
[55:44] better shelved for a moment because
[55:46] people’s anger in the heat of the
[55:48] moment...Hey, Teacher Mei, how do you
[55:50] think extreme psychological states are
[55:52] formed?
[55:53] >> No, I talked about this emotion a long
[55:55] time ago. Speaking of emotions, I have
[55:57] a piece of advice: no matter who you're
[55:59] in conflict with, just remember, it’s
[56:01] usually three to five sentences. If
[56:03] it’s a conflict, just speak normally;
[56:05] we can take it slow, right? For
[56:06] instance, if I get into an argument
[56:07] with you, I say something, you snap
[56:09] back, I say more, you snap back again,
[56:10] and once I say another, you get a bit
[56:12] agitated.
[56:12] >> That’s when you should just turn and
[56:13] walk away.
[56:14] >> Exactly, exactly.
[56:15] >> That’s called three to five sentences
[56:17] ; knowing when to stop, that’s what a
[56:19] wise person does.
[56:19] >> Why? It means you’re a rational
[56:21] person. And why is that? At that point,
[56:23] it’s impossible to clarify the matter
[56:25] , so stop trying to win. If you try to
[56:27] win, you’re inevitably just fanning
[56:28] the flames. When they fan the flames—
[56:30] I’ve talked about emotional issues
[56:31] before—each sentence triggers a
[56:33] specific area of the brain to become
[56:34] excited. If you add another sentence
[56:36] before it calms down, another area
[56:38] lights up, the whole thing buzzes, and
[56:40] the person just loses it.
[56:41] >> Just like you said, when I was young,
[56:43] everyone in the building had parents
[56:45] who hit their kids. I always say that
[56:47] my understanding of foreign countries
[56:49] comes from foreign movies. In foreign
[56:51] movies, I get the sense that their
[56:53] family atmosphere is relatively
[56:54] restrained. Take our TV dramas, for
[56:56] instance; don't I always get that
[56:58] feeling? Whenever my neighbors are
[57:00] watching Chinese dramas, even the best
[57:02] and most excellent ones. Right.
[57:04] >> Wailing and crying, yes.
[57:06] >> Yelling and screaming, so I feel that,
[57:08] even though it's very realistic. When
[57:11] you were young, you’d ask why our
[57:13] families have to be so loud. I’ve
[57:18] seen foreign movies where, even when a
[57:20] couple is unhappy, they might make a
[57:22] big gesture, but...Go to your room. We
[57:26] won't go into that, right? So you see,
[57:28] even in foreign TV shows, when they are
[57:31] incredibly angry, their tone of voice
[57:33] remains steady.
[57:34] >> I think this is related to their
[57:36] society and living conditions. In many
[57:38] European countries, for example, people
[57:40] live in separate, individual homes. So
[57:42] if you yell, nobody cares. Why do
[57:44] Americans have guns? Is it for us to
[57:46] see? It's because if someone breaks
[57:48] into your home and you don't have a gun
[57:50] , you won't get any help.
[57:52] >> It’s just to let them hear.
[57:53] >> We were like that growing up, and it's
[57:55] the same now. Look at the countryside,
[57:57] or our factory housing; it's all in
[57:59] rows, right? So you can hear the
[58:01] business of every household, which
[58:03] makes you wonder, why do some people go
[58:04] online to talk about it? They want to
[58:06] attract people's attention. I thought
[58:08] they just couldn't help it; how could
[58:09] they think "the crying child gets the
[58:11] milk" outside the home? We’ve said
[58:13] since we were young, I believe our
[58:14] whole situation, including our living
[58:16] conditions and objective environment,
[58:18] has forged this—what you call our
[58:20] national character. Another thing is
[58:21] our relationship between father and son
[58:23] , where cultural factors are especially
[58:25] heavy, like our "Three Fundamental
[58:27] Bonds and Five Constant Virtues," with
[58:29] the father-son bond as the primary one.
[58:31] Right? Meaning your father is always
[58:33] right, or at least he’s supposed to
[58:34] be—especially in modern education,
[58:36] that’s not necessarily true—but our
[58:38] culture is like that, so a father is a
[58:40] father, especially while the child is
[58:42] still a minor. Now, of course, our
[58:44] society is highly polarized, so what
[58:46] we’re saying is hard to apply to
[58:48] every family; some families are
[58:49] completely indulgent, they don't care
[58:51] about anything, you can do whatever you
[58:53] want.
[58:53] >> Whatever trouble you get into has
[58:55] nothing to do with me, but other
[58:56] families squeeze them so tight that if
[58:58] something goes slightly wrong, they
[59:00] feel the sky is falling; so they’re
[59:01] all different.
[59:02] >> Yes, but every kind of parenting method
[59:04] can also produce good children.
[59:06] >> Right. You say that—I’ve also seen
[59:08] children of indulgent parents who
[59:10] didn’t turn into thugs.
[59:11] >> Right, that’s what our culture calls
[59:13] "a tree grows straight on its own";
[59:14] that’s one way of putting it. Then
[59:16] there’s another—it’s the same
[59:18] culture—which says "spare the rod and
[59:20] spoil the child," right? Neither is
[59:22] without merit, I’m saying which one
[59:24] makes sense.
[59:24] >> I’d like to share a different
[59:26] perspective.
[59:27] >> It’s like this: there are several
[59:29] ways to raise a child. One is what I
[59:32] call good parents; the parents raise
[59:34] the child themselves the whole time.
[59:37] Essentially, the child knows the
[59:38] parents can't bring themselves to
[59:40] actually hurt them; they're just trying
[59:41] to scare them, so no matter how you hit
[59:43] me, I won't hate you because I know
[59:45] you're just bluffing. So, the
[59:46] foundation of this family bond is very
[59:48] strong, and because of this affection,
[59:50] even if you are hit—back in our day
[59:52] who wasn't hit? I said my own daughters
[59:54] were hit, so it's normal—you never
[59:56] resent your parents.
[59:58] >> Another type of indulgence is like that
[60:00] too; it’s not really called
[60:01] indulgence, it’s more like knowing
[60:03] how to handle things themselves.
[60:05] Meaning they know when to stop, and the
[60:07] child sees this and knows that at this
[60:09] point, they can’t go any further. So
[60:11] it looks like they are indulgent, but
[60:13] actually, it’s what we call "teaching
[60:15] without speaking." What does that mean?
[60:18] It means they must have inner goodness,
[60:20] so such children won't have problems,
[60:22] but what’s the worst thing? It’s
[60:24] when parents themselves have poor
[60:26] character, no sense of moderation in
[60:28] anything, and then spoil the child
[60:30] unscrupulously; that's the real problem
[60:32] . There is another type of parent, one
[60:34] who isn't good themselves, yet they
[60:36] keep lecturing. Such children will
[60:37] definitely become rebellious. So, I
[60:40] think all these problems actually come
[60:42] down to the parents.
[60:44] >> Hey, what you said is interesting. You
[60:46] know, a few years ago, there was a
[60:48] small group online. They called it "
[60:49] Parents are a Disaster."
[60:50] >> Parents are a disaster.
[60:52] >> Parents are a disaster.
[60:53] >> It got banned for a while.
[60:54] >> It was blocked, right, it was hidden
[60:56] away.
[60:56] >> Do you know why?
[60:57] >> How can these parents become a disaster
[60:59] ? It's that some parents raise their
[61:01] children like this. "I earned the money
[61:03] to raise you." To them, "raising" just
[61:05] means, "I ensure you have the money,
[61:06] everything you want to spend, I've
[61:08] given it to you." So now, whenever you
[61:10] don't listen, I use money as a reason
[61:12] to lecture you first.
[61:13] >> Yeah.
[61:14] >> Hmm. Where is the disaster? It’s
[61:16] saying, just because parents have some
[61:17] money, should they dictate my entire
[61:19] life?
[61:19] >> These, these are truly helpless cases.
[61:21] >> I’m saying "parents are a disaster,"
[61:23] they were saying all parents are
[61:24] disasters. Parents must first realize
[61:26] this: before you interfere in a child's
[61:28] life choices, you should have an alarm
[61:30] bell in your heart, asking, "Am I being
[61:32] a disaster?" Right, but most parents
[61:34] won't introduce this concept into their
[61:36] own minds; you know, they won't assume
[61:38] they could be a disaster. But I say,
[61:40] first assume you might be a disaster,
[61:42] then decide whether you should act.
[61:44] When my child was in middle school,
[61:46] first of all, when I talked to her
[61:48] about things, it was basically while
[61:49] going to the supermarket.
[61:51] >> Or during a walk, I wouldn't sit her
[61:53] down at home and have a formal, serious
[61:55] talk with her.
[61:56] >> Secondly, when it came to sensitive
[61:58] topics, like I said, if I found out she
[62:00] was making friends, dating a boy, but I
[62:02] felt there was danger, what should I do
[62:04] ?
[62:04] >> Why are you so late?
[62:06] >> Well, in a situation like this,
[62:08] >> I immediately felt inferior.
[62:10] >> In such a situation, I wouldn't go and
[62:12] nag her at all. I would very seriously
[62:15] write her a simple letter—a letter,
[62:17] exactly like I said.
[62:18] >> In this letter, I would start by
[62:19] praising her, like saying, "The fact
[62:21] that someone loves you shows that my
[62:23] daughter is lovely."
[62:24] >> I would praise her first.
[62:25] >> Then I told him what love actually is;
[62:27] I said if someone loves you, they like
[62:29] you, but the premise is whether they
[62:30] can provide for you for a lifetime.
[62:32] >> Mm-hmm.
[62:33] >> I wrote these words very clearly in the
[62:35] letter, because
[62:36] >> Alright, I'll find you a rich guy
[62:38] tomorrow. No, but you also have to like
[62:40] them. In this letter, I told him what
[62:42] love relates to, what it involves, and
[62:43] how to know if someone loves you. You,
[62:45] you have to look at it through the lens
[62:47] of time. If they are still waiting for
[62:48] you after three years, then this person
[62:50] won't change their mind so quickly
[62:51] after marrying you, so I wrote that
[62:52] down.
[62:53] >> Let's talk about it after we graduate
[62:54] from senior year of high school.
[62:55] >> Exactly, so later on, my child wrote me
[62:57] a letter back, and on the envelope, it
[62:59] said "To my lovely mom," which I
[63:01] thought was wonderful. This just goes
[63:04] to show that when you communicate with
[63:06] your child, don't just nag them all day
[63:07] ; some parents even call the other
[63:09] person over and ask, "Tell me about who
[63:11] you're seeing, what do their parents do
[63:12] ?"
[63:13] >> Right, the first thing they ask is what
[63:15] their parents do.
[63:16] >> Exactly, children...
[63:17] >> Start by snooping around, right?
[63:20] >> I also think that parents should be
[63:21] wiser when communicating with their
[63:23] children; for example, some things
[63:25] should be said with a bit of humor,
[63:26] >> keep it lighthearted. Well said! So
[63:29] what is the prerequisite for this? You
[63:31] first must not lose control,
[63:33] >> you can't be impatient; if you lose
[63:35] control with your child, you've already
[63:37] lost. First, we have to handle things
[63:40] properly. Thank you, Teacher Li. Yeah.
